#It's just hard with my specific physical and mental issues since it's like.. I couldn't really handle most jobs. I can't handle school. I'm

[tickled-p1nk]

Burdens Shared are Lighter ⋆˙⟡

: ̗̀➛ XYX x Singer! Family issues! Reader : ̗̀➛ contents: fem!reader, established relationship, fluff to medium angst to comfort, wrote this with a specific person in mind, character has a mentally ill mom and absent dad, Xyx and you are bad at being vulnerable, probably grammar mistakes (English is my first language but I still suck at it), reader has a larger chest, uhhhh yeah enjoy y'all : ̗̀➛: ~1.3k words

It's been a year since you and Xyx had opened your hearts to each other. First it was a long distance relationship, each of you travelling back and forth between Australia and where you lived. Eventually you got a job in Australia with a recording studio, and a day job as a 9-5 office worker - at least until your singing career takes off in the next year or so.

You were his queen, his everything, and he took it upon himself to take care of you. You went on dates at least once a week, and Xyx showered you with gifts and affection, making sure you never felt a single ounce of discontentment. He did anything and everything to make you happy and comfort you and make you laugh. It was his job after all.

But of course no person is without demons. Your family back in the states, despite the physical distance, had an unshakeable hold on you. The words they spoke and the horrors you endured haunted your dreams at night and whispered during the day. But you being you did not confide in Xyx, you knew how hard his job is so you opted to not be a “burden”, as you saw yourself. Xyx had much the same problem, with such a stressful job and demons of his own he was burdened day and night with thoughts and feelings of how he was worthless and how he was nothing if he couldn't make you happy. Yes you had gotten through to him but things like healing are not linear and they get worse before they can get better.

Sure you both took care of each other the best you could, but you can only take care of someone without taking care of yourself for so long. Eventually the weight of both your pains formed an invisible wall between the both of you. The tension was palpable.

Whenever he brought you to your favorite restaurant and he didn't see the little twinkles of happiness in your eyes his heart broke just a little bit more. You had a harder time getting out of bed sometimes not even waking up till past noon. You both talked less and Xyx threw himself into his work and started taking more risks. He had near crashes almost every day, he didn't tell you of course but you noticed. The dirt and gravel on his jeans and his motorcycle getting beat up was evidence enough.

It all came to a head on one of many peaceful nights spent at home cuddling, his head on your chest. He noticed your grim expression as you looked at your phone.

“Hey doll are you doing okay? My darling sun seems to be dimming, can't have that now can we.” he flashed his signature smirk-smile, his snake bite piercings pinching his lips.

“Yeah no I'm fine! I could never be down with you here,” your expression betrayed your cheery tone as another text from your mother came through, “hm.”

Xyx grabbed your phone, “Give me back my phone!” you reached for it but he held it out of your grasp and began reading your exchange with your mother

“Tch, your mom's…” he held his tongue and decided it wouldn't help if he insulted your mom, “You know you can rely on me. Why don't you? I want to make you happy! It isn't right that you deal with all of this alone.”

His eyes held the flames of unbridled fury, not for you, but for those who do you wrong. Maybe some of that fury was for him too, for not helping you more, for not being there for you, for allowing such sorrow to make its way into your life.

“It's fine, it's not worth your time and it's not a big deal, I'm fine. I am happy!” You weren't sure if you were trying to convince him or yourself more

You snatched your phone back from your very concerned partner and looked at the newly sent texts from your mom. She was rambling about some sort of evil scheme the world had conspired against the two of you. She was going on and on about how she couldn't believe you would turn against her, after all she did for you you abandoned her and how useless you are. Your eyes welled with tears not having the ability to respond besides a simple heart on her last message. You didn't know how to deal with this. You left your chat with your mom to the one with your dad, the last message was you wishing him a happy birthday a week ago with a sad little thumbs up.

Xyx saw your distress and gently but firmly placed his large hand on your cheek and wiped away your tears. He leaned in slowly and kissed your forehead and with the other hand removed your phone from your grasp, turning it off, placing it elsewhere. He moved down to your lips wiping a few more tears away from your beautiful face. He touched his forehead to yours, now laying in-between your legs once more, this time caging you in with his arms.

“Why don't you tell me these things, doll?” He had a smirk painted across his face but his eyes showcased the sincerity from which his question came.

“Why don't you tell me these things, doll?” you spat back, not out of malice but out of concern. It wasn't fair that the love of your life was so caring but accepted no help for himself.

Xyx sighed and lowered his eyes not being able to muster the courage to meet your gaze. He rubbed your cheek with his hand again and began to retreat.

You looked at him, your gaze could've bore a hole in his head if you had the ability. This time you held his head in your hands bringing him closer to you. You forced him to look at you as tears welled in both of your eyes.

“I notice the dirt and gravel on your jeans, my love. I notice the late nights at work. I notice your solemn expressions when you think no one's looking.” You told him, forcing him to look at you too.

Xyx was speechless with only a few stray tears making their way onto his tan face. Your eyes burned with tears once again looking into your lover's eyes and seeing the pain that simmered within.

You reached forward and wrapped your arms around him, holding his head to your chest (his favorite part 😏), and letting him come undone in your grasp. His sobs racked through his whole body, shaky and heavy breaths going through his lungs. His tears soaked through your thin worn shirt, not that you cared. Honestly some part of you was happy about this, or at least grateful, focusing on him took the spotlight off of you. You can't possibly burden him with your sorrow if this was the state he's in. It was only right.

He grasped your shirt tightly, almost ripping it off, his eyes red with tears shed, finally the shaky breaths turned into calm huffs. He looked up at you with tired eyes, bags heavy and prominent.

“Don't think this means you're off the hook now, doll.” He looked up at you with a tired mischievous smile making its way across his face.

You blushed slightly avoiding his eyeline, now finding your fingers very interesting. You wanted comfort and support but you didn't know how to accept it or ask for it. You've never been cared for like this before. You had always been on the giving end, silently discontent with your existence, until now. You didn't know how to react to such a supporting lover especially since he struggled with much the same things that you do.

This time you were the speechless one, until Xyx turned your beautiful face to turn to his.

“Please.” He begged you, his eyes pleading.

You took a deep breath and asked him, “Are you sure?”

He nodded with only assurance in his eyes now.

You took a deep breath and decided to divulge the details of all your burdens to him, finally.

He listened intently, never leaving your side, carefully comforting you as you sobbed in between sentences, holding you when you got too nervous. He wiped the tears that spilled from your eyes and held you to his page body making sure you were at maximum safety and comfort.

The night was long and filled with many, many years but you both came out of it stronger. Your mother's messages were left unread until late the next day, and when confronted with her delusions once more you knew now that you could rely on your lover completely and totally. Xyx was still stressed out from work and struggled with his own demons and of course he still saw himself as nothing if not useful, but you pushed through to him and made sure he knew he could and should rely on you as well.

a/n: dedicated to @heeseungsserenity banner and art credit goes to @cafekitsune and @popsinekoart

[koscheicore]

Ranting abt driving, disability, ableism. Use of general "you".

I'm so sick and tired of being "encouraged" everytime the topic of getting a driver's license comes up. Because, I can't drive because of my autism and dissociation... or maybe I could, but the process of learning it is genuinely debilitating both to my mental health and in turn physical health, and to my parents' wallet, since I can't pay it myself. It'd been over 60 practical classes, every single one full of anxiety, every single one in which I dissociated, in which I couldn't pay attention to all the overwhelming stimuli. I gave up, it was too much. Maybe, if it were cheaper, and I had all the time in the world, I could indeed learn it and manage. Or maybe, just maybe, I just can't drive because I am disabled. Not that they test for dissociation or sensory processing and overstimulation issues when you're driving for more than half an hour.

"But nowadays you need a car to work!"

That means the job isn't for people who can't drive.

"What about GETTING to work?"

If you can't get to work in public transport, that means the workplace isn't accessible. If public transport takes significantly longer than a car ride, enough to inconvenience you terribly, which is the usual anyways, that means that the city isn't accessible enough.

Why must people insist on encouraging me every time I say "I can't drive"? Why do they think it's just me not trying hard enough? I tried my hardest every time. I certainly did. It had terrible repercussions on my day to day life to attend those classes. Not to mention, driving IS dangerous, and if I'm impaired to drive, then I just can't. It's not all about "managing my symptoms", even if I could do that, which I'm not sure I can manage them ENOUGH for driving specifically, is it worth it? Is it worth it to invest that much money, to go through genuinely debilitating shit, just to get to work? Yeah, public transport is also debilitating to me, but it's less taxing in the end.

What, is it because I look abled enough? Because I perform well in many other areas? Do you know how much energy it takes to perform well in many of them, that you're not seeing because you don't have my experience? This *insistence* on encouragement doesn't make me feel encouraged, but like a failure, broken, because I am disabled enough to terribly struggle with driving. You are communicating to me that I am not trying hard enough, not that it's understandable that I struggle.

And worst of all is, this isn't even just abled people insisting, it's disabled people too. Yeah I know other autistic people can drive. Yeah I know other people with dissociation can drive. That doesn't mean every single person is disabled in the same way, or same area, or has the same distress tolerance levels.

...So let me decide if I try again at my own pace. I know myself better than you. Disabled people know their disability better than an outsider. If we say we can't why is it so hard to just believe us, why do you act as if we owe you a full length explanation. If you're disabled yourself in any way you should be able to understand this, too.

I want to do an experiment. I'm going to start saying "I want to take care of the environment". See what that does. See how much the reaction changes. It is part of my reason anyways, albeit not the most pressing one, but let's see if people are more sympathetic towards this reason, than towards disabled people taking care of themselves (+ other drivers and pedestrians), or being literally unable to drive. Let's see if in their eyes this is a noble cause, if I'm "trying hard" now. If I'm correct that'll be very telling.

[yakult-noir]

Long Rant about Baldur's Gate 3

Content warning: intrusive thoughts mention, body image, very mild spoilers of act 3 (does not mention characters or specific events, only implies)

-

Honestly, playing Baldur's Gate 3 has helped me with a lot of issues that therapy failed to do. I'm playing two runs at the same time, one of which is the Dark Urge.

I am having so much fun playing the Dark Urge. Its helped me with my intrusive thoughts without me noticing. Whenever I struggled with intrusive thoughts, I couldn't push them away no matter how hard I tried, and it would always make them worse.

I sometimes felt horrible because of it even though I knew that wasn't my fault and doesn't say anything about what sort of person I am.

The Dark Urge struggles in trying to repress violent thoughts lest they act on them and commit atrocities. Intrusive thoughts aren't as dire in that you won't actually commit the atrocities in real life, but playing the Dark Urge helps cement that fact further.

And I'm not even getting to the companions yet. I struggle with the fear of what other people see me as. I try to appear as someone a bit different (personality wise) but struggle a lot when I make even a singular mistake or do something that makes me feel like an idiot.

The companions are still loved and still retain their image even though they sometimes make dumbass mistakes.

They've also helped me deal with the fear of getting older. I've never played games much where the main character/s are canonically in their late 30s to 50s. And the fact they're still made out as attractive is very reassuring.

I don't see that happen a lot, not without them trying to look as young as they can to be seen as attractive.

Overall, the companions feel so much more real and lifelike than a lot of other video game characters.

I don't exactly know why or even how to explain it, but I've never liked the idea of having a physical body.

I've always had a complicated relationship with how others view me and my own body image. I also struggle with trying to wrap my head around what's considered socially normal and feel completely detached from other people's experiences.

I can't actually 'feel' out my feelings without intellectualising them or comparing them to feelings of other people. I usually use the concept of other people as a rough template of how to do things and how to react. Things always feel complicated and 'too-real'.

If that makes sense. Like a realisation of "holy shit there are consequences? Do I have control? Is there a control? How do I avoid Bad Consequences? How do I react?"

Lowkey kinda feels like a child just testing out just doing things for the first time. Mind you, I do have a mental illness and have been kinda repressed for a bit of my life.

Any experience I have with doing daily life stuff or with relationships has been from reading about other people's experiences and noting down what to do and what not to do to become the Ultimate Perfect human being.

And that means I always feel uncomfortable with my body, talking about private things, even talking about supposedly 'risky' things that aren't even risky or shouldn't be seen as such (like menstruation, lingerie, clothing, weight fluctuation), wondering if I just did something socially taboo even if it's like an unspoken rule I've never heard of, and then wondering if I'm unpleasant company or a little too strange to hang around a lot.

So playing as the Dark Urge and romancing Astarion has actually helped a lot with discomfort in talking about random things in friendships and just feeling more comfortable being in my own body and having human experiences.

Especially since the companions just say whatever, and are even straight up rude and say things that wouldn't be socially acceptable in real life, but they're still liked.

I mentioned mental illness before, but Baldur's Gate 3 has some of the best representation about having ordinary experiences and consequences of being alive. I love how in the game, you have the option to help the companions the best you can, and no matter what, there is no closure. I haven't completed the game yet, so this is stuff I spoiled for myself.

Even if you get out of a difficult situation and learn there's a better way to live and do things, it's still horrible and painful and you're still not sure if you've done the right thing or not. You don't get any awards (that are obvious at least) for dealing with the problem you've faced most of your life.

You've still got to deal with your own emotional issues that are there as a result of the problem and that you will probably spend the rest of your life trying to deal with.

[mysteriouslypalecollective]

I found a really old fanfiction I wrote about the dream SMP more specifically C!Tommy. And I wrote one chapter so here it is

===============================

Found family

This story starts off with a boy named Tommy. He is a blonde boy with curly hair and a white streak. His hair was long and put in two small spiky pigtails in the back. He wore a big comfy blue sewn sweater with a ruined red and white shirt peeking underneath it. He had long baggy tan pants. He had a devil tail peeking beneath his sweater. He had small red horns. His face was covered in scars and on his cheek was a smile.

“ELLLO?” He called out his tone was a bit weak and scared. The voice that answered was not recognized by the young boy. The voice shouted “hello” . It almost sounded like a young adult. The boy was startled and jumped. He then looked at the person "Who are you?” said the blonde boy.

“Hi, my name is Wren. What's your name.”

The person now known as Wren was a young adult presumably female but it was hard to tell they were reasonably tall they had a bandana over their hair and it looks like little goat horns poking out from underneath they had go to ears and hoofs which were nicely paired with a with cargo shorts and a cardigan a yellow cardigan with a black t-shirt underneath.

The blonde haired boy quickly tries to think of a fake name “My name is…Uhh…Umm. My name is…Uhh, Jack.”

“It's a pleasure to meet you Jack,” Wren said with a smile.

Tell me was cautious he has to be cautious he gone through so much already he couldn't risk it after dream killing him bringing him back to life having people portray him in going through wars and going through so much he couldn't risk meeting a stranger in them taking advantage of him he was just so tired and so sick of it and didn't know what to do. He missed his parents but his parents had been nothing but garbage to him ever since he was born. Philza had treated him well but those are now distant. Having to kill his own son was brutal and traumatic for the entire “family”. But now he couldn't go to phil, he couldn't go to anyone they were either dead or were betraying him or had replaced him entirely, he was just alone and he didn't know what to do and he didn't want to open up to a random stranger at least not immediately, he didn't know them yet.

“Are you planning to kill me?” the kid bulleted out

Wren immediately steps back very surprised by the sudden question

“Why on bloody Earth would I do that!” they responded in shock and also slight fear.

“My bad…I have just had some…not so great experiences with people and I am a bit…um…you know.” He shrugs and looks away. “I've been through shit.”

“Are you going to therapy like, at all?” Wren asked, quite worried about this kid's mental health and physical health at that matter.

Tommy nodded, explaining how he goes to Puffy's for therapy whenever she is free. But most of the time he bottles of his emotions and doesn't burden them on anyone else unless they pri.

“I'm glad you're going to therapy but please “Jack” don't bottle up your emotions. It's a stupid way of coping and it doesn't work. It just leads you to a bad mental state where you fall apart, not a fun time.”

Wren does this whole little speech on how bottling up your emotions is bad and you should talk to people you trust and she just they just kind of get into the zone on talking about this mental health issue and Tommy's just there watching it listening and realizing that this person is genuine and probably isn't a piece of shit.

Tommy sighs, takes deep breath in and decides to tell them about all of the not very fun things that he's done and he's had to go through and just tell someone because if someone's going to go throw this trouble until you why you shouldn't follow up your feelings you have to make them regret it by trauma dumping.

“Well…um…you see….”

The boy sighs and mumbles.

“I’m a child soldier.

“Oh honey, “Jack” I'm so sorry”

“No need to apologize…” He says quietly. “The worst has already happened to me…nothing worse can happen…”

“That’s what I tell myself at least…”

“It still means you went to shit that's not good like that's rough and really sorry you had to go through that and are still going through that” Wren looks over at the boy with empathy and compassion, desperately wanting him to have a good childhood and wanting to give him a good life.

He shrugs and smiles awkwardly.

“Well…it’s my life.” He mumbles and sighs.

“Not much I can do about it…I just…it is how it is I guess.”

“Can't you just leave?” Wren asks

He laughs and says. “Where am I going to go? I have no money, no education and no way out of where I am.” He chuckles and shrugs. “You think people would just let an orphan child soldier just get away that easily?”

“You could pick a direction and just keep going, find a nice spot where you have access to fresh water and Good soil and start making a home. I guess I don't know. You just shouldn't need to go through that shit, just leave that to the adults you shouldn't have had to go through that. You shouldn't be going through that when you're a kid it's not okay” Wren tries to convince him to just leave this behind and get a good life free of pain.

“So you want me to make a home alone in the woods? And what? Eat berries?” He laughs nervously and shakes his head. “First of all, I don’t have the survival skills to live off of what I can find around me and second of all, I am still wanted by the army. I was not supposed to get out and they are looking for me.”

Wren looked at the blonde haired boy with so much desperation and love and just wanting him to be okay Wren had barely known the kid and they'd already got an emotional attachment to him.

As Wren stared at Tommy, Tommy stared back. Tommy didn't take Wrens staring as a threatening thing more as a vague interest. Tommy was starting to feel a little bit uncomfortable with the staring thing, he felt like Wren was looking at him and trying to pick apart his trauma and how his brain worked. Almost like a science project that no one bothered to finish.

“Umm are you ok with hugs? It's fine if you're not. I don't want to set off a trigger or anything. I just thought that you might have wanted one.” Wren explained

The boy shrugs. He doesn’t mind not getting hugged.

“I appreciate it anyway…uh…can you promise me one thing?”

“Sure, what do you need me to promise?”

“Can you please not tell anyone where I am?” He is serious and seems to be begging.

“Of course, I'm not going to tell any of the information you tell me to a third party. I know I sound like a government official or something but like I swear I won't tell us all unless you want me to because I don't want to make your life worse.” Wren explained.

The boy smiles. “Thank you.”

Then he seems to be thinking of something.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure what is"jack”?”

“How old are you?” The way Tommy said it was very abrupt and to the point it was not jumping around the topic it was very direct and immediate in the way he said it it was slightly drawing to Wren but they did appreciate the forward nes.

“Oh, umm 20-21 ish. I kind of stopped keeping track a while ago." Wren says this with a smile and a shrug.

“Hmm…” The boy thinks.

Then he asks with a serious tone.

“Did you have a normal childhood?”

“Well damn straight to the important questions it is then my gosh. Not that I mind it just shocking how forward you are. But all in all yeah I would say I had a pretty good childhood compared to yours. Because what you went through is horrible and I'm really sorry.”

“Can you…can you explain what it was like?” He asks. “I don’t understand what a normal childhood is supposed to be like….” Tommy looks sheepishly to the ground trying not to make eye contact and more interested in my feet now because hooves.

“…I can't… I don't it's hard to describe what a good childhood is like it's complicated all childhoods are different and what you may see is good can also it's everything's a mix that and no matter if you have good or bad there will always be ups and downs of the best I guess the best way to have a good childhood is least what my childhood at least I had to parents loved me and it was nice then there was other things that can't control like non-family people and illnesses and there's always things that will make something shity and will endorse trauma or a bad memory at least there's never a perfect child there's better ones but yeah at least kind of want my childhood was like if that made any sense.”

As Wren says this they start to tear up a bit just thinking about all of the shit that the kid in front of me had to go through for his childhood damn he's still in his childhood the things he's going through just broke wren's heart.

The blonde haired boy just nods kind of taking in what Wrens saying and also kind of not his family is chaotic and messy and not necessarily blood and it's just hard to relate for him so he's just kind of sitting there for it standing there trying to take in what he can and understanding what they're saying. He thinks back to Phil and what it was like when they were all together with Wilbur, Phil and techno. It was nice and his eyes but nice it was comfortable not necessarily perfect but comfortable he missed those days he missed when everything was comfortable not necessarily perfect but he didn't always fear for his safety and scared as he could shot in the heart with an arrow or blown up or beaten to death again. he missed those days. Then he thought about mothers. He had never known a mother, at least not a mother who cared about him enough or one that stuck around long enough.

He sighs and smiles and says.

“thank you for the insights….. Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure!”

He seems a bit nervous and whispers.

“What’s…um…a normal relationship between a mom and a child is supposed to be like…?”

It's it's kind of like you look up to them and they look up to you and it's kind of this weird sense of loving both ways of and you can get upset at them but they stop and talk you through what's happening and you have each other I am sorry about the bad explanations”

Wren starts to tear up a bit again.

The boy seems a little shocked by their answer and stares down at the ground.

“I never…I never had that. My parents were…not the best to say the least. I probably should be more specific I do mean my birth parents not my family”

The boy sighs and asks. “Do you think my parents loved me…”

Wren was cut off guard by the sudden question. they were more trying to process the thing that they said before about not having great birth parents but then this kid hit them with that bombshell! When the two were shocked to speak for a second just trying to compute all of the information that they had just been given.

“I-i don't know your parents so I can't make a good judgment on their character. all I can say is did you feel loved?”

Tommy shakes his head looking at the ground.

“From the little bit I know about your birth parents I don't think they may have loved you but it didn't show through and so and if you're not in touch anyway you should give them any time of day it's your childhood was shity and I'm sorry that you had to go through tons of trauma and are still going through more things. I'm so sorry because it's shity and you don't deserve that.”

The boy looks down and mumbles.

“Thanks…”

“Do you want a hug?” Wren offered

The boy pauses and then looks up at you.

“Yes…please…if that’s okay.”

Wren open star arms in an embrace with a warm smile on their face.

The boy walks into the hug.

He was shaking a little bit.

“Thank you…”

“You're welcome kid.”

He starts to sob a bit.

“I…I thank you…this is…really comforting…”

“You can stand my arms as long as you need. Can I ask you a question?”

Tommy teary eyed Wren's shoulder muttering something along the lines of “yes” through his tears.

“Is Jack your real name? Or is that just the name that you picked so you wouldn't have to tell me your real one?”

The boy goes silent. After two quiet seconds he says.

“No…Jack is not my real name….”

“Can I know your real name or is that too much?” Wren asked.

The boy looks at them with a bit of fear before quickly shaking his head “No…I…I can’t tell you.”

Wren sighs and then and then says “that's okay I'm here for you.”

His shaking slows and he mumbles.

“Can we not talk about my past anymore?”

Wren just nods not wanting to pry into the child's trauma.

The boy sighs and says.

“Thank you…uh…and thank you for letting me hug you…you are very comforting.”

Wren starts to sway while holding on to him trying to lull him into sleep.

The boy closes his eyes.

In a soft voice he mumbles.

“I like this, I've never had this before not for my parents or anyone really”

Wren just continued to sway, basically rocking him into sleep like a baby. thinking over things whether to say stuff or not eventually they decided to ask something.

“Hey kid, do you want a new parent?”

______________________________________________________________________

Tommy stops. There was a long break after that

[theradicalscrivener]

I’m an aspiring writer who really wants to improve how much finished work they actually write, but I struggle so much with either my ideas being too large to write (too much planning ahead, too much time spent on it, too much preliminary research before I get to writing, general scope creep) and with not feeling able to return to a WIP if I don’t finish it in one go. Do you have any tips for dealing with those?

And do you do any regular writing exercises to keep yourself limber and avoid feeling “blocked up”?

Any advice is appreciated! And thanks for sharing so much of your great work for us to read 🙏

Everyone has a different process so it's not like I can just give a blanket set of advice for anyone who wants to write, but I do have some things that I have found helps me.

First off, writing is very much a mental thing. It's a mix between imagination and the actual physical process of writing. As such, I have found that I need to take steps to keep my brain happy or else I cannot write. Sometimes, if I go through a dry spell and can't write, I take a step back and do like a checklist. Often times, if I can't write it's because I am stressed about something (often stressed by my inability to write which makes a feedback loop of even more stress). I've had times where I realized that a lot of my problems were I hadn't been sleeping much, so I'll like take something to help me sleep and then pass out for 12+ hrs. (really shouldn't have let myself get that bad in the first place, but sometimes I have to do a hard reset for my brain.) Sleep deprivation is definitely one of the biggest issues I face on the reg.

As far as your first question about how to get into larger projects. Honestly, just start writing something. It doesn't have to be the beginning. It could just be a specific scene that you wanted to try. It sounds like you're getting so overwhelmed with your own prep that you're getting paralyzed. When you actually start to write a bit, you might realize that things don't go the way you originally expected. Like, some of the world building you created doesn't quite jive with what you are trying to write or things to that effect. This is not a bad thing. I don't think I've ever had a situation where the story I write ends up exactly like what I had planned in the outline phase. The more you write, the more you get a feel for how much prep works for you. Some people do really well having lots of intense prep and then when they get to the writing phase, they can just burn through it. Some people do better with a loose framework and then just feel it out as they go. I kind of shift a bit each time. I definitely do a bit more fast and loose on short stories and one-shots, but on longer projects like novels, I will try to keep things close to the original idea.

Again, however, it's hard to predict exactly how things will play out. I used to get really upset when the scenes wouldn't work like I had hoped or I couldn't get the characters to play by the rules I had laid out for them, but I've kind of eased off the reins. Part of why I like longer form serials is because once I get a feel for who a character is, I can kind of just turn them loose and see how they react to Situations. Like, with Troy and the twins, I have written them enough that I can just set them loose. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I have characters like Devon and Ashton who I try to put in situations and then they refuse. Like, what was supposed to be a short interaction spiraled into it's own full-length novel nestled within short stories featuring other characters in the series.

It's definitely different doing a short story (even ones that are directly linked) vs a novel. Like, when I am writing a short story or a standalone chapter, I rarely know what I want to do for the next chapter. Just using Trevor and Acorn since they have been the two main projects these past few months. The end of each Trevor chapter is technically an ending. The current scene is over, and there's room for more afterwards, but if the whole story ended there, things are more or less in a position that I could leave it and be satisfied.

Acorn, however, I have plot beats already laid out. I know how I want it to end, and I have ideas for the finale that I want to do. The end of each chapter is a bit of a cliffhanger. Not in a doom and gloom and there's no telling if everyone is OK sense, but there's just enough of a hook at the end to sort of tease what comes next since I already know what the main plot beats are. Although, it's more of a loose framework and not a rigid outline. There's still plenty of room to explore the space. Like, the original story I thought would be four or so chapters. It was a novella at best, and a lot of the extra substance came from characters not behaving like I had envisioned when I had the rough framework down. The original base story was just Travis gets a new job and it's him adjusting. Curtis wasn't a major player. He was just the guy that Travis kind of knew that gave him a job req. You might notice if you read the earlier chapters, it's kind of vague if Curtis and Travis are really good friends or just classmates which was kind of retconned/explained as Travis being such a skittish anxiety case that he couldn't realize/accept that a hot guy was hitting on him.

This is just a recent example to give you an idea of what I was saying when I mentioned to start writing and don't worry if things start to veer in a different direction. It's great to have larger plot points and like world meta-lore, but also accept that all that stuff is malleable. I'm in a bit of an odd position since I post everything (mostly) as I go, but I do A Lot of writing that I never post. I've got some sfw stories kicking around that maybe someday I'll get published, but that will require me to spend less time on my normal stuff, so we'll see when that happens.

Some other tips and tricks. As mentioned, a lot of it is learning what works for you. I sometimes find that I get frustrated and am hitting a wall. Sometimes, I need to power through. Sometimes, I need to work on a different story. Sometimes, I need to do something else entirely.

I like video games. Depending on how I am feeling, I'll do different styles. Puzzles, soulslikes, JRPGs, etc. There's different degrees of mentally engaging. Sometimes I need something mellow to just turn my brain off. Sometimes I need something with a story to engage with on a mental level. Sometimes I need something with a bit more of a blank slate to let my mind fill in the gaps. If done in healthy doses, hobbies outside of writing can actually help.

Imagination doesn't just exist in a vaccuum. Everything you think is derived from something else. It's hard to say what or where you will get inspiration, and trying to constantly drum up new ideas when the well has run dry will just lead to burnout. TV shows, movies, games, book. I find that when I read something, I'll often sort of play out the scenes in my mind, and then when I take a break, I will replay the scenes and start to fill in some of the blanks. It could be stuff like imagining these characters during the downtime or putting other characters in similar scenarios. It's all using your imagination, and that's a skill that you can play around with. Imagination/brainstorming/plotting/outlining are all different facets of the same skillset.

Again, this is all just me rambling on about various things that I have discovered work for me. Everyone's process is different. Everyone's needs are different. The main advice I can give is just try to write. Like, I've shown screenshots in the past of my open WIPs. I'll often have 5-10 open word documents of different stories that I am bouncing around. I'll try to do a little bit every day or so. If I don't have a specific story in mind, I'll open one of my WIPs and reread the last page or so and try to add another paragraph or two. Sometimes I spend an hour or two and only have a few lines to show for it. Sometimes, I manage to break through the part that is giving me trouble and smash through it.

The source of the writer's block itself is often difficult to pin down. Sometimes, I feel like I am fighting my characters, and I have forced a character too far out of there own personality. In that case, I'll often realize this when rereading what I wrote. It's a "he wouldn't do that" scenario, but often I can find out under what circumstances would he do that? In those cases, adding a few lines leading up to that moment will make the rest flow smoother because suddenly, the character is in a situation that makes sense for them. Sometimes, the scene gets scrapped completely. Sometimes, I have to put it on hold and add a lot of stuff to get the character into a position where they are ready to do that scene.

Sometimes, I just needed a breather. Taking a break helps a lot. Sometimes, I just needed to think on it more. So like, I'll lay in bed and scroll twitter or something and let my mind wander. I also let my mind wander a bit when working out or doing other low mental impact tasks.

I feel like I've kind of danced around your main questions without addresssing them directly, but a lot of that is because it's hard to give specific advice for how someone should handle these situations because it's different for everyone. The best I can do is sort of give examples of what I would do in that scenario. The only real actionable advice I can give is just to write some. Don't think of it as making a finished product. I don't really think of any of the stuff I do as "finished" because it will never be 100% what I think it's capable of being, but I do reach a point where I have to tell myself that this is a good stopping point.

But yeah. Just have fun with it. Play in the space. Even if you don't end up showing off the finished project, just having some fun with it will help you understand what works for you. If you're not ready to commit to your big novel/if you don't think that your pre-prep is done enough for you to actually work on the big project that you want to do, treat it like fanfiction of your own world. Just write something to see how it feels to be in that space.

[limeade-l3sbian]

I remember a while back you spoke vaguely about some health issues you were having and the effect it was having on your mental health. I have recently been found to have something genetic that will slowly make a specific organ of mine function less and less as time goes on and I’m just trying to ask, assuming that yours was also a chronic issue(though I apologize if I’m wrong! and in that case this ask looks very stupid ;-;)how did you cope with this reality? I know nowadays that my stuff isn’t a death sentence in and of itself, due to the age i was born in thankfully, but it could still lead to potential death from complications. I’m trying to obviously stay positive, but It’s also hard to know this in my mid twenties.

Yes, so I had been talking about a deteriorating issue with my vision. I had, or I guess have, something called keratoconus. It's an eye disease that was steadily making my vision blurrier and blurrier. And I caught it kind of late but not too late to get a procedure done that has slowed it down significantly. Unfortunately, the sight that I lost can't be restored so I require special contact lenses to see well.

Prior to the procedure, I wasn't sure if I had the means to afford it. I had some life issues that didn't allow me to freely move around so there was a chance that even if I could afford it, I couldn't physically reach the place that would do it. So, for a steady year and a half, while my vision was getting worse, I really believed that it would just get worse. I love to write and make collage art, so the thought of losing my vision more was very scary to me.

Plainly put, I tended to distract myself and already had some dirt nap plans that made it pretty useless to try and find ways to cope since I figured I wouldn't have to deal with it soon. But for me, I can always take hope in the facts. Like you said, we live in an age where medicine is pretty damn amazing. We're literally curing HIV. Fearing complications is, I feel, valid but within reason.

It's hard for me to give perfect advice without knowing your actual medical problem (not urging you to tell me!). But I would say where the unknown fails you, lean towards the known. You know there is treatment, you know there are competent doctors who likely handle this every day, and you know that your chances are high as far as treatment. And humans are pretty damn good at adapting. So I would say that even if this organ of yours starts to alter the way you do things, it might be gradual enough that it'll become as mundane as someone with asthma using their inhaler.

[starry-blue-echoes]

Hehe Joot in Italy + Early Bird Crossover go brrrrr

Specifically for some de-aging shenanigans. Because it’s one of my favorite tropes to mess around with and it going to be a BLAST with this AU mash up

So it’s been a few months since Diavlo was defeated. The gang’s all moved into a giant house a bit away from the city, Giorno and Bucciarati split Boss Duties, Fugo’s working through his stuff, and all seems pretty great

And then Jotaro ends up coming back to Italy in order to deal with a Stand User who’s been giving the Foundation and Passione some issues, because he’s The Go To Stand Guy for when shit’s going sideways. They don’t know a whole lot about the User, just that they’ve been responsible for MANY disappearances and deaths in which no one’s been able to find the bodies. There have been an increase in unidentifiable children's bodies though.....

As the group eventually learns the hard way, his ability is to physically de-age his targets. The exact age varies from person to person, but at the oldest it’s before they hit age 10, and since the target only has memories up to that point of their life, it leaves them essentially completely vulnerable to attack. Think Set but without the ability to turn people into fetuses and more effective in the memory department

so of course when they go to confront the User, Jotaro gets hit and is sent back to good old age 6 a month-ish into his kidnapping

And the Bucci Gang…… weren’t expecting this. They weren’t quite sure what they were expecting a child Jotaro to look like, even imagining the man smiling was enough of a mental stretch, but this small, pale boy covered in bruises and filthy bandages wasn’t it

Jotaro doesn’t know where he is. He was in Dio’s mansion in his dark room without windows and filled with dust and cobwebs by himself trying to sleep, and now he’s suddenly outside which is already bad, he’s not allowed to be outside, but to make things even worse he doesn’t recognize where he is

But Jotaro still remembers the Rules he’d learned. He learned that while Mr.Dio said he was above all the minions, he still had to do what they said because they were doing what Mr.Dio said, and he had to obey Mr.Dio or else he and his friends would get hurt. He learned that Mr.Dio only had Stand Users interact with him. He learned that Mr.Dio would take away the minions thoughts if he thought they were disobedient by putting something in their head and that the thing in their head was painful and scary. He learned that Mr.Dio wasn't kind to those who failed, even if it wasn't their fault or it was an accident, and that it almost always resulted in too much blood and bodies going still and a smell Jotaro couldn't forget no matter how hard he tried

So when the Bucci Gang try to get him to go with them, Jotaro obeys without question. When they ask him questions, he gives quick, concise answers and refuses to meet their eyes. And when they offer to treat his injuries....... he's confused. Why? It's just a waste of their resources. He isn't a part of their team and they don't have any incentive to fix him. It doesn't make sense.

And this....... absolutely horrifies the team. Of course it does, they're having to watch a 6 year old rationalize not treating him

I think given his past as a cop, Abbaccio would be the best equipped to deal with this. Bucciarati is good at showing kindness, but right now Jotaro is going to see anything other than strict rules as either a) a trap or b) dangerous. Maybe Abbaccio says something along the lines of "if we treat your wounds now, it's less trouble for us later. It saves us time and makes you not as weak," which under normal circumstances would've sounded cruel and cold, to Jotaro sound Perfectly Logical And Make Total Sense

and from there just. everyone slowly learning more and more about this aspect of Jotaro's past. Of splitting their time between trying to help Jotaro and do whatever they can to make him happy and safe and tracking down the User to fix this because they learn about Jotaro's illness and realize Oh Fuck We're On A Time Limit. Maybe at some point they end up calling Polnareff, Sherry and Kakyoin. Maybe at another point Jotaro finds Giorno's picture of Dio and Giorno finally gets to learn why exactly Jotaro hated talking about his father

[evelhak]

30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2023

April 2

When were you diagnosed and when did you know that you're autistic? If you're self-diagnosed, when did you first suspect that you're autistic and when were you sure?

I was diagnosed about three years ago, and I started to suspect in my early twenties. (I'm 29 now.) I saw a YouTube video from an autistic woman diagnosed in her twenties where I first heard that people can mask their social difficulties. I was like "Yeah right, that's what social skills are, everyone does that and everyone hates socializing." That was what I had been taught throughout my life after all, to suck it up, because everything I have difficulty with others have too, they just happen to be better at hiding it. At that time I was highly identified with Elaine Aron's concept of The Highly Sensitive Person instead (which now is often regarded as a subtype of autism which makes a lot of sense to me.) I forgot about the whole thing for a couple more years but clearly there was something that was left tickling at the back of my brain, because I eventually found my way back to the topic, which was when I read and watched every video, article and book I could find about autism, particularly the personal stories of people who were diagnosed in adulthood. Eventually I was like... well, shit, I'm autistic.

And it's almost mindboggling no one saw it before, or that I didn't see it before. I even had a playmate in childhood who was diagnosed with level 2 autism and was mostly non-speaking. I highly related to him as a child. The main difference between us was that he couldn't hide his autism but I could. I still had an urge to do all the things he did freely that were external cues for others that he was autistic, like stimming and echolalia, but I knew I would be punished for it, and I could stop myself. So in that sense of course, it makes perfect sense why I would assume that the ability to stop myself from looking autistic (too much) was what makes someone allistic. It makes perfect sense that I thought the high consequences to my mental and physical health that I suffered from masking were just me being weaker than other people.

The sad thing is it was right there all the time. When I failed to mask, I was told I acted like I was autistic, that I was too weird and people were going to think I wasn't "normal" if I didn't step up my social skills, that I should probably be put in special education if I didn't do better. It's just that each time I did "better". I was suspected to have ADD at some point in my early childhood but that was dropped because my symptoms were all attributed to my hypothyroidism, (and my sensory issues got attributed to my bad atopic skin and allergies) which made sense, sure, but it's just ironic that no one ever thought to assess me for autism, since I had been suspected to be some kind of neurodivergent in the past and people routinely joked about me being weird in specifically autism related ways.

For myself, I think the reason it was so hard for me to accept and admit to being autistic was because I was so proud of "overcoming my weirdness" (=learning to mask). The more neurotypical and socially skilled I appeared, the more I was rewarded and the less I was ostracized. Also I didn't conceptualize myself as someone who had a difficulty of reading people. Not at all. On the contrary, that was like, my whole thing! (Ahem, if you have a whole thing to the level I had, that alone should make you consider autism...) I had put so much effort into learning about people! Yeah... guess what, most people didn't need to learn to read people in the first place, because they picked that up as a natural side-effect of living, and the reason I became so good at certain types of reading people was because I had a special interest in people, particularly their minds. And I was always highly empathetic but I did need to learn to read neurotypical social cues, and I did need to learn how other people's brains worked, and I especially needed to learn to communicate in a way that most people understand. And I learned this from obsessively reading fiction and non-fiction books, and by observing people and drawing comics about them, and writing a shit ton in my diary about everyone else, rather than me. In early childhood I learned by decoding social interaction by playing scenarios I had seen in real life, with dolls.

I couldn't have seen all this for what it was, because allistic people regarded me as "good at reading people". If I was known for anything, it was that. My friends came to me for relationship advice, I was accurately able to predict breakups, I was routinely right at guessing the reasons behind people's mysterious behaviour, and some people thought I was intimidating because I saw too much about them. How could someone like me be autistic? Yeah, lol, someone like me is exactly autistic, it was just weirdly masked by my special interest being people, because that didn't fit the autism stereotypes. Of course, I failed to understand that I was good at reading people in completely different ways than allistic people are. That's why they thought I was good. Because it was different from what they could do. And their everyday normal interaction was what I could never get quite right no matter how skilled I got at reading people and masking my differences.

If as an adult, after all the years of obsessively studying people and learning to mask, you still don't know how to intuitively make friends, if you're still effectively invisible to people most of the time, if you still don't know how to present yourself in a way that people would gravitate towards you, if you still need to rely on scripted ideas of polite interaction and have no clue when to switch to a more casual way because that's something you need to do by intuition you don't have, then YES dumbass, you HAVE social difficulties. No matter how much that doesn't appeal to your ego.

I think I had reached the firm conclusion I was autistic by 25 or 26? At first I was just happy understanding myself better and being able to allow myself new coping techniques I had refused myself in the past because they "weren't for people like me who didn't have real struggles". Prior to this I didn't even wear earplugs because of the internalized shame of it. I decided to pursue diagnosis soon after anyway, because I was unemployed and burned out from every job I had done, and to keep my unemployment benefit I would have to accept any work that was offered to me. So, I needed the diagnosis to have a legit reason to refuse work that was detrimental to me because of autism. I knew the process would likely be difficult, and I would most likely not even be taken seriously, because I'm a traditionally attractive enough, fem-presenting person who is mostly highly verbal in one-to-one interaction (and they wouldn't see how I am in groups, especially new ones or when the group isn't centered around a predictable activity) and typically get labelled as highly intelligent within the first few minutes of any interview type situation.

So, I prepared in the most autistic way I possibly could have. I had a big office binder that included an essay the length of a master's degree thesis, on why I thought I was autistic, self-assessments I had done online, all the articles on autism I had found that I related to, studies and articles that supported the newer understanding of autism and specifically how lack of empathy or social skills wasn't the core of autism. In the end it took me only four months to get a sort of "light" diagnosis, not enough if I needed support services or something because it wasn't an extensive assessment of my traits, it was just a few lines on paper saying I'm on the spectrum and it should be taken into account in the unemployment services. But that was enough for me because that's what my goal was, so I could get the bare minimum of my needs met to stay sane enough to function. I'm pretty sure it would not have happened if I hadn't made the effort to do most of the work myself to reduce the time and effort the mental health services had to spend on me.

I know this was a lot to read, but personal stories like this helped me the most in my process, they were absolutely invaluable, so I want to do that for the next person discovering themselves, and for autism awareness and acceptance in general.

[somebody-909]

Yeong-gi was arrested as a kid [I Love Yoo Theory]

In celebration of the return of my favourite webtoon, I thought I'd share the theory I shared on reddit a while ago about our favourite red head (revamped with pictures and extra discussion). This theory was eventually pretty much proven correct in Episode 112.

TLDR: Allusions to violent behaviour, a bad period of time where Yeong-gi was away, and stigmatized treatment resembling how you treat a criminal, lead me to believe that Yeong-gi, having been deeply affected by the events with his mother, developed violent behaviour, that resulted in legal trouble of some sort. He was then sent "away" somewhere for some time, likely either juvie or a rehabilitation centre of sorts for juvenile delinquents.

1. "How long has it been since you got out?"

In episode 16, when Kousuke visits Yeong-gi at Mrs. Lochlainn's (Yeong-gi's granny) place, he asks:

"How long has it been since you got out? Four years, maybe five? I'll stop for today. I know you don't like being reminded of what happened back then."

This suggests that Yeong-gi "got out" of some place/institution. The words "got out" are also quite ominous... (I would even argue that it implies being "locked" away). I find it hard to believe he would be using this for something that wasn't incredibly unpleasant/hard for Yeong-gi to get through. Kousuke proceeds to say, "Four years, maybe five? I'll stop for today. I know you don't like being reminded of what happened back then," confirming this implication.

I have seen a few possible interpretations of where Yeong-gi might've been "away" for a while. I personally think it's most likely something legal (juvie or juvenile delinquent related rehab), although others believe it might've been a mental institution, and others think it was a boarding school.

I see how "got out" could be used for the first two options easily, but the last one is a bit more shaky. "... since you left boarding school" might be a more natural way of referring to that, since it would have to be a really bad boarding school to refer to it in the way Kousuke does.

The following clues lean more towards Yeong-gi being away due to criminal reasons, however.

2. Treated like a delinquent.

The next clue and the biggest is how everyone treats Yeong-gi. His family treats him like a delinquent (I choose this word specifically because of its connotations... not just a troubled, hopeless kid... but more a kid you can't trust because he will be irresponsible and bad).

In episode 19, the students talk about how Yeong-gi hangs out with Soushi (who they think is a delinquent as seen in episode 20 probably bc he's a brown guy with a scar tbh TT)

"His family's got some great connections, that's the only reason I'm being friendly with the dude."

"But what's the point in doing that? He only hangs out with this delinquent from another school."

"You're joking..."

"I'm not! I saw him! Got a scar too... probably got it from a fight..."

"So it's true what they say then... Him being..."

"Shh! Don't say it out loud!"

They think Yeong-gi is hanging out with and is friends with a delinquent who they associate with having been violent. They immediately ask, "So is it true what they say then … Him being …"

What kind of rumour would they think is true if they saw Yeong-gi hanging out with a "thug"?

It would make sense to finish that question with "So is it true what they say then … Him being a criminal" or "a delinquent".

If we were to go with the mental hospital theory, it might work if they said "him being violent" but that doesn't really work as well here in relation to Soushi being a "delinquent."

There is a bit of nuance between what they would associate with someone with a criminal history, in comparison to someone who had been admitted to an institution for mental health issues, even if both possibilities were linked to violent outbursts.

As for his family, they treat him terribly. Like he's a screw up, a troublemaker. Not so much like someone with mental illness. I think by this point its clear that Yeong-gi made a big mistake, but what would be so bad that they treat him like this?

3. Hints of being "away" and having a criminal past.

There are several subtle hints that indicate Yeong-gi did have a criminal past of sorts. Or at least spent some time away.

Episode 79 - significant criminal past

When Yeong-gi and his father meet the lawyer about the assault and drug case in episode 79, the lawyer says:

"Your son does not have a significant criminal past."

Why not just say that he doesn't have "a criminal past" at all, period? Now this seems negligible, but Quimchee has used very subtle hints like this in the past so I wouldn't put it past her (eg. Yui calling Yeong-gi, "kid," and Kousuke "son," to indicate she is related to Kousuke and not Yeong-gi).

Episode 79 - Hansuke couldn't get to know Yeong-gi

Kousuke's cousin, Hansuke, states that he never got to know Yeong-gi back in their college days because:

"I was busy with my residency and [Yeong-gi] was… you know… "

This alludes to Yeong-gi having been unable to hang out because he had something going on...

Kousuke's Corner 2 and Episode 72 - a year behind

Yeong-gi is also a year older than Shin-Ae and his twelfth grade peers... Having any sort of legal trouble could cause a kid to flunk a year.

References to violent behaviour

In Episode 51, Kousuke mocks Yeong-gi, stating that he can have his assistant bring his punching bag if he needed an outlet for his frustrations.

Not being in "control" of his emotions is a recurring motif, with Yeong-gi's family members and even with himself.

Affinity for physical fitness (boxing) as a coping mechanism

I think it's significant that after being alluded to having had violent behaviour, his coping mechanism is something very physical. Boxing, interestingly, imitates violence.

Thematically fits with the end of the Black and White Formal arc

This is more my personal opinion... But I think Yeong-gi punching that pos Sangchul after constantly being passive aggressively criticized for violent behaviour is... cruelly fitting. Him being arrested and possibly repeating what had once happened, and after he had constantly been told not to repeat it, would be a sad parallel to what he once had to deal with.

Possible alternative explanations

TW: mentions of poor mental health and suicide attempts

I think it's most certain that Yeong-gi had legal trouble of some sort, likely due to a violent altercation, and that he was sent somewhere as a result of this incident.

Where he was actually sent to as a result, however, is a bit more shaky.

Since it was a minor criminal past, it's possible could've been simply arrested and not been sent to juvie at all. If his father was heavily involved in his life, he would likely have intervened if juvie became a possibility.

There are some who speculate Yeong-gi had very poor mental health, likely due to what happened with his mother and may have even attempted suicide. While this is possible, there isn't a lot to indicate past depressive or suicidal tendencies. For sure, his violent behaviour was coupled with poor mental health... but not necessarily poor mental health of this nature. I also feel that there is some nuance in how people would talk to Yeong-gi if his time away was precipitated by a suicide attempt. Someone who had self-harming tendencies isn't treated like a thug. Someone who beat up a kid might be though. (depressive tendencies could've been coupled with violence that caused his time "away," but once again, there is not a lot to really hint at severe depressive behaviours).

There are also theories of foster care, if his mother died (which seems to be the most likely scenario with her). I don't think this is the case because we have seen a young Yeong-gi interact with a young Kousuke. The two brothers (and their parents) were aware of each other. There is also his nana.

I think the most likely scenario is that Yeong-gi, having been deeply affected by the events with his mother, developed violent behaviour, that resulted in legal trouble of some sort.

He was then sent somewhere as a result: either juvie or a rehabilitation centre of sorts for juvenile delinquents, or an asylum (due to aggression issues). Regardless, it must have been tied to a violent incident, resulting in legal action and detention and possibly a follow up mental health related thing (rehab/asylum).

Episode 112's confirmation:

There is a vague flashback alluding to a period of time where Yeong-gi was in trouble, specifically stating

"Poor kid. No one is going to want him."

"Why not?"

"...Behavioural and aggression issues".

This alludes both to Yeong-gi getting into trouble for hurting someone, AND for being guardian-less for a period of time (no one "wanting him" seems to reference foster care or adoption).

Later in the episode, Yeong-gi's classmates gossip and say:

"Wasn't he at a detention centre for a bit?"

"I thought he was in an asylum?"

"He was sent somewhere for sure..."

[transmalewife]

i had lyme (had the rash, got antibiotics) but i don’t really seem to have any resulting issues (about 3 years from when i was bit). can i ask, what’s your experience been with long term symptoms?

hey! you might be safe in that case, when caught early, the traditional method of one antibiotic for a few weeks works.

For me it's a bit complicated, since I have a bunch of other things wrong with me, and since lyme can cause pretty much everything in your body to break, it's hard deciding which is which. each time i get a new diagnosis part of me thinks it might have been caused by lyme

But basically, ok. I had a tick when I was three. I reportedly didn't have the rash, but since I've been allergic to milk since I was born, I was always covered in rashes, so who knows, maybe it just blended it. I've always had a terrible immune system, getting sick often, missing school, many, many allergies. I've had a mild cold every day for a decade and a half now. When I was six I got a weird rash that no one could explain, that was treated like psoriasis, despite biopsies showing it wasn't psoriasis. in retrospect that was probably lyme.

Between 8-10 I started getting really, really bad migraines, like to the point of wailing in pain. Got addicted to ibuprofen with pseudoephedrine and we all kinda moved on. a few years after that I started getting joint pains, I think, this is where my memory starts to get fuzzy too. for a few years that was waved off as growing pains. I've also had insomnia for as long as I can remember but it got really bad around 13, I would sleep like 15 hours total in a week. unsurprisingly, that's when the chronic fatigue set in, and the brain fog. I got diagnosed with gluten intolerance, and that helped for a bit, I would have trouble breathing sometimes, like suddenly i just couldn't take a full breath. my memory got worse. around 14 is when my depression started, and I was also having panic attacks, but this was different, like i could tell it was purely physical. I also had hallucinations sometimes, but your guess is as good as mine as to whether this was lyme, purely mental, or sleep deprivation.

The pain was getting worse, I couldn't do sports anymore. First year of highschool, so when I was 16, I started having really bad memory loss. I'd been forgetting more and more for years, but that's when it changed to something clearly neurologically wrong. Like i'd be standing somewhere, speaking, and then suddenly mid sentence I'd blank. And I'd try to remember what I was saying, then why I was there, then how I'd got there, then what i'd done that morning, etc etc, and I'd just get nothing. I'd recognize the place i was in if i'd seen it before, but all short term memories were just gone in an instant. That's when my mother finally took this seriously and took me to get tested (she'd just finished her first treatment for lyme at that point) and to a specialist that gave me antibiotics. many, many antibiotics, some every day, some one week one one off, some every 3 days. many supplements and medications and probiotics and herbs.

The first month was a nightmare (turns out i'm allergic to doxycicline, I was constantly nauseous and lost 10kg in a month) but after that it got better. I lasted 9 months, and the sudden memory loss stopped, my joint pain got better, as did my migraines, and my immune system, a bit. I should have stayed longer, but I was a dumb teenager who wanted to get drunk with my friends which you cant do on antibiotics and was tired of having to keep track of a chart of of like 30 pills in a day at 8 very specific times.

a bit less than a year later the chronic fatigue came back, as did being constantly sick, and really bad joint pain, mostly in my wrists, arms, and hips. like so bad you can't sleep. I remember when I was living with my friend one night i was crying and asking her to pull on my arm as hard as she could for hours at night because it was the only way i could be in less pain. I was missing school due to sleeping all day, but I was also severely depressed, and very badly medicated for it at the time, so that might be why.

I started taking some herbal supplements after that? I think? those few years are a bit of a blur tbh. but they're really effective, only we can't get them in poland, so i ran out at some point. late 2019 was my last really bad relapse. I was working during the week and studying on weekends, and that was it. I didn't leave the house, I barely left the bed after coming home. sometimes i was too tired to get up and eat. I bought a cane, because I started randomly falling over, and I was in so much pain sometimes i couldn't walk to the bathroom without holding on to every piece of furniture on the way. I started taking disulfiram after that, and it really did help. I think i only stopped because i finally got my adhd diagnosis and you can't mix those meds.

so to recap the breathing, weird neurological shit, rashes went away after the antibiotics, the migraines got better but I still get them, though much less often. My digestive issues got worse, because antibiotics absolutely wreck your gut microbiome. joint pain and chronic fatigue came back with a vengance, then got better while treated by disulfiram or herbs.

These days it's like that: in the summer I'm good. I mean my joints still crack obscenely loud, I need to take many, many vitamins and minerals every day, and drink unreasonable ammounts of water or i get dehydrated really fast, and if i eat things i'm allergic too, or am on my period, or just under the weather I get joint pain. The winter is a nightmare. The cold hurts like someone is putting needles into every joint, and after that they ache constantly. an hour long errand in the winter means 4 hours of recovering in bed. I don't need to use my cane as often as a few years back, but sometimes i do.

my plan is to move to a warmer country. my adhd is now medicated, and I've been diagnosed with like 5 new chronic illnesses this year, so we'll see how this winter goes after that. I'll try to buy my herbs when im in the us next month, so maybe that will help. weed helps with the pain and mental stuff. mild exercise and physical therapy too, though im often too tired for the first.

idk if this is at all helpful, sorry you essentially got a trauma dump, but I don't know how else to put this. there's probably a bunch of stuff i missed too, like unexplained eye problems, weird like spasms i get sometimes that might be tics

[fenristheorem]

Lance finding out that Gardienne killed herself? After a while of her being in the HQ again, he has fallen in love with her. She just couldn't bear those seven years, having lost that many people and being here just to save this world by suffering.

He wanted to tell her he loved her, he knocked her door, he worried bc no one answered, and he finds her hanged up.

I know this is really specific, it's just kind of my OC ending😅😅 anyway, I'd understand if you weren't comfortable with this.

So I’m going to talk about the boundaries of what I write for a moment, starting by saying that I will write this BUT I won’t write detailed suicide scenes due to the sensitive nature of it.

This ask isn’t asking for a detailed scene, it’s asking for the effects the decision has on Lance, and because it’s asking for the long-term effects and not a scenario I’m just fine with writing this. 

Thank you for asking this, Anon, genuinely. Being this specific was probably what gave me the push to write this in the end because I know you were looking for the reaction and not the actual scene. This is a good example of a post that walks along the lines of what I will and won’t write so anyone requesting future asks with a similar subject gets a better idea of what to ask.

Also, I apologize for how long this took to write. This ask was, unfortunately, the one that spent the most time eaten in my drafts folder so I couldn’t work on it until about a week ago. Fortunately that gave me a lot of time to think over how to best write this, so I think this’ll be appropriately written considering the subject.

*Warning / Note: This post contains heavy depressive themes and suicidal mentions, as evident by the ask and what I wrote above. I’m aware that this is a very sensitive subject and I intend to treat it with appropriate seriousness. This is not a happy post, please only read this if you know this won’t lead you down a dark path. To me, writing is another form of art, meant to express and draw out emotions from the audience, so I won’t subside the intensity of my writing even with this being a sensitive subject. I don’t intend to drive anyone to harm themselves, but I do intend to write with the intensity that I always do because this is my artform; so please prepare for heavy themes or don’t read if you’re not comfortable with this. On a side note: I care about everyone, I really do, so please take care of yourselves. If you’re feeling depressive or suicidal, talk to someone, please. There is always someone who cares about you.

Technically Guardienne's death may have a major adverse effect on Eldarya due to her link with the crystal, but for the sake of this ask I'll ignore any possible effects like that.

~Under the cut~

Lance’s reaction to Guardienne’s suicide:

Lance had seen a lot of terrible things in life and had done many terrible things in his life, but this reached a new type of fucked up for him. Not because it's truly disturbing - although it is deeply disturbing - but because it fucked him up even more in a way that he neither thought could be possible nor that he could bear.

He’s convinced that he’s cursed; everything that’s happened to him has been his fault. He started the war within Eldarya, destroyed so many faeries’ lives, killed his own brother, and now the woman he loved is dead because of him as well. Sure, he wasn’t the one to tie the rope around her neck, but there are signs for these sorts of things. Was he truly that blind that he couldn’t see that she was in pain? Did he ever truly love her if he couldn’t see the pain? Would she have done anything differently if he wasn’t there to constantly remind her of everything that was lost?

Lance believes he deserves this. He’s caused so much pain and agony for everyone, it only makes sense that he should be the one in pain now. Lance won’t try to fight the agony he’s in, he’ll let himself drown in it for nights on end to wake up - or not even sleep to begin with - feeling exhausted, reckless, irritated and - overall - worthless. He’s sure to emerge from his room in the morning without the slightest hint that he’s been sobbing quietly with the feeling of a dagger twisting itself over and over within his chest all night, and he’ll refuse to answer any questions about if he’s alright after the recent events. He was the one to find her after all; it would make sense that he was hit the hardest...

In the daytime he’ll be rough and withholding, keeping the Obsidian guard in a tight hold to reflect how he needs to hold himself tightly to keep from falling apart. It’s one thing for him feel and express emotions, but this feeling is an entirely different thing; this is something that should not be released into Eldarya. He realizes it and knows that this feeling - something that he recognizes all too well from his past - threatens to destroy everything that he worked so hard to gain in the past seven years.

Mathieu will notice Lance’s change in temperament immediately, and being the kind man he is he’ll want to be there for the dragon, but Lance won’t be looking for comfort; he’ll be looking for something that will change the past and take back everything that happened. But that’s impossible - he knows that - and so he’ll be stuck in a state of limbo, deemed to mourn for his unknown, unrealized love until... something happens to change him.

Ice cold fear will wash over him some days as he recognizes the familiar feeling that haunted him in the past, and while he’ll be aching to reach out to lean on someone for support - afraid of this feeling overwhelming him again - he’ll feel that he can’t lean on anyone. He doesn’t deserve that support at this point after all he’s done, and there’s so many others who are busy grieving; the guard needs him to be strong now. However, on occasion - when he has a clear mind - he’ll grieve gently with someone who’s somewhat close to him, sharing kind memories of Guardienne and gently advising them to spend time around friends if his co-worker feels it’s needed. He’ll never completely break in front of anyone though, he can’t bring himself to. 

However, Lance falls apart immediately when he’s alone, sometimes even lingering in the conference room for a few minutes after a meeting to allow himself the private time alone to recollect himself. Grief will randomly hit him throughout the day, constricting his throat, burning his chest, and glassing over his eyes - and every time he’ll excuse himself from his company to isolate himself until he regains control again. This, of course, is taken into notice by a few others around the guard, and slowly there’ll be people who realize that Lance is not fine.

This becomes a further issue over time as his grief slowly turns into anger and disgust, and this is when that familiar, ominous feeling from his past really rears it’s ugly face. He should have seen something. Was he really that terrible to her that she felt she couldn’t trust him? Was everyone really that blind to not see her hurting?

Lance finds that he begins to choose to isolate himself, mentally and physically. He’ll leave the guards members alone that have stated they need time off, but he won’t be very forgiving with those who have chosen to continue their work but seem to be slacking. His mentality is that if you can’t handle continuing on, then don’t offer your service as it’ll become a hindrance, and this quickly becomes a major issue.

Huang Hua - knowing how important Guardienne was to Eldarya, and the guard especially - has let it be known that if anyone needs a break from their responsibilities, then it’ll be allowed, but she will stress that those who feel they can continue to function please try to do so, and be lenient and take on a few responsibilities that aren’t usually asked of them if they feel they can. She can read other’s auras and sense intentions and emotions of sorts, so she can generally get a good read on how someone is doing, but she can’t consistently do that with everyone, so while she’ll use this ability when necessary to enforce that someone take a break so they don’t fall apart, not every unstable case is known to her. This is the main reason why she slightly overlooks Lance for a while. When he first found Guardienne, he panicked immediately, rushing her to Ewelein and not even truly believing her death until many days after the event. Huang Hua - having sensed his shock and panic blocking out any other emotions - let it go for a few days; everyone goes through their own grieving process, some immediately and some not until many years afterwards. There was nothing that anyone could do for him until Guardienne’s death hit him fully. However, she also knew from her abilities that Lance was in love with her, or at very least had a deep liking for Guardienne, so the instant a few members of the guard come to her expressing serious concerns regarding Lance’s recent aggression and distance, Huang Hua knows immediately that it needs to be dealt with. This grief was an unknown factor in Lance’s new life - but his past with this type of grief shows clearly that this can really fuck him up - so it needed to be discussed, otherwise he risks spiraling back into the same place he was seven years ago.

She’ll approach him when he’s alone, or if they’re in a relatively public space she’ll take him somewhere private, sensing all the while the breathtakingly painful feeling of agony, anger and distress that’s clouding his mentality. It was just the same as when he was Ashkore, how did he not yet break? He’ll refuse to follow her if he knows she wants to talk about his emotions - ironic since he’s always been open to sharing his perspective and thoughts - so she’ll just tell him that she needs to talk to him in private regarding a few anonymous tips from some guards members if he happens to ask why.

Being alone with an unstable, emotionally distraught dragon with a history of violence while under heavy states of grief does unsettle her a bit, but she knows the outcome of this will be much worse if he truly feels isolated. He’s not going to reach out for help by himself - he doesn’t know how to, nor does he probably want to - so she needs to be the one to reach out to him and help him stabilize himself before another situation like Valkyon’s death occurrs.

She’ll consider first talking alone with him in his room - where he’d likely feel most comfortable - but considering he’d likely be defensive, that could then translate into aggression in his own territory, and that may lead her to being forced out of his room for her own safety. Lance has certainly changed in temperament, but heavy grieving emotions can blind someone, so there’s really no promising that nothing... destructive may happen, no matter how much he’s changed in patience.

She then considers talking with him in the conference room, but there isn’t a whole lot of privacy there. The conference room is more for business, rather than personal, private, emotional conversations. The last thing Lance needed in this moment was for his emotions to be treated even slightly like a business confrontation and not as an important part of his being. Frankly, even on a day where he’s feeling just fine he would never accept anyone’s emotions to be treated like a business issue, so the last thing she wanted was to imply that by bringing him into a room that could do just that.

Huang Hua then thinks over the idea of talking to him in her room; it would likely be safer, after all. He probably won’t become territorial or aggressive as it’s not his territory, and it’ll be a gentle reminder that she’s happy to welcome him into her personal life to help comfort him (therefore defeating the concern that it could seem like a business confrontation), but since it’s her territory he might emotionally shut himself down. It can be uncomfortable to fall apart in someone else’s room, especially knowing they’re higher ranking and could be interrupted at any moment to deal with something else...

Then she wonders if she should bring him outside of the guard to speak with him - somewhere that’s private and on neutral ground. That way they’d both be in strange territory and may not be interrupted, and if they are they’d receive prior warning by noticing that someone was walking their way.

Of course, Huang Hua then realizes that - no matter how much she’d like to think that she understands what would make Lance most comfortable - she truly doesn’t know what would help him best, but she can be there to provide support at very least, regardless of where they are. At the end of the day, Lance would probably know where he’d feel most comfortable, so when she approaches him to talk, saying that it’s an important but private conversation, she’ll ask him where he would rather talk. He’ll be slightly hostile, especially when he picks up on the fact that she’s going out of her way to word things carefully and prioritize his comfort, but he’ll decide to talk somewhere private outside the guard, where no one is around.

And that’s how Huang Hua finds herself in the middle of the open plains, far away from the guard to talk to a dragon who might as well be stabbing himself with his own dagger with how he’s been allowing himself to feel as of late. She’ll start off gently, telling him the recent concerns of a few anonymous guard’s members and Lance will stand a few feet away and listen coldly with a blank expression until she suggests that he take a few days off. He’ll debate things with her then, and it’ll escalate slowly until Lance is clearly distressed but still unmoving in his decision to remain active, and Huang Hua will know then that she can’t be gentle anymore...

“Lance, take a few days off, for your sake.”

“No.” His tone is harsh and cold as he snaps at her. “The guard needs me, there’s so much I need to do - so much I need to repay-” He didn’t mean to let that last statement slip - after all, his actions certainly couldn’t be made up for, right? - but emotions can be a powerful thing, can’t they?

“You won’t be able to do any of that if you’re destroying everything you’ve helped rebuild in the process.” Lance is pacing, keeping his eyes trained to the ground. Huang Hua - despite her anxiousness at the dragon being so stubborn on decisions made under heavy negative emotions - tries to keep a comforting, open atmosphere to avoid furthering any issues. “You know the pain you’ve cast upon on others, you’ve felt that same sort of pain now and you need to take time to be able to recover from that.”

“I can’t take time, it’s not something I can just accept! Everyone I’ve hurt before never had time to accept the situation before I made it worse, but they still pushed forward! There’s no reason for me to have it any easier!”

“And where would we be if we treated you the same way you used to treat the world? Would we be any better than how you used to be?”

Lance stops pacing but his eyes remain on the ground, his throat constricting as his thoughts run rampant. Would they be the same as how he used to be if they allowed him to keep running himself this way? He’s done terrible things, but he’s spent many years trying to keep that from happening again. Certainly he’s an asset to the guard now, so would it be cruel of them to ignore his distress? Or would it be justified payback for everything he’s done?

“Lance, you’ve done wonderful things the past seven years, and we want you to continue that and I know you want to continue that as well. Take some time off so you can do that without destroying yourself or your environment. Don’t ignore your pain like it’s nothing - it’s not nothing, and you have the resources to deal with it in a better way now. Use those resources, Lance, it’ll help you work your way through this.” Huang Hua’s tone is gentle and soft as she pleads with him, hoping that her blunt words will reach his common sense.

He tries to argue this, stuttering the beginning of sentences to try and disprove her point, grasping for any reason as to why his pain is invalid. However, Lance finds that there’s no sound argument against Huang Hua’s words, and constricting panic, horror, and then heavy tides of grief will hit him as he realizes that he is, in fact, dragging himself into his own downfall. He is his own worst enemy, once again.

In any manner, this is all his fault - his past actions, Guardienne’s distress of what’s changed that lead to her death, his emotional isolation, and disruption of the guard is all because he doesn’t know how to deal with himself and his abyss of emotions. How did this happen to him? He was never the type of person to deny and hide away his emotions, so how is it he ended up caging himself like this when under personal grief? Is it because the situation is so personal to him that he has a hard time allowing himself to seek comfort in others who likely couldn’t understand?

Lance will fall apart at this, closing his eyes and turning towards the ground to keep himself together, but falling apart all the same as grief overwhelms him one final time in a push that throws him over the edge. He’ll clench his fist and bow his head, bringing it over his mouth as he desperately tries to steady his breathing, to no avail as tears find their way from his eyes and his chest heaves in quieted sobs. 

Huang Hua will lurch forward to comfort him, but stops as Lance whirls around to step back and snap at her - he didn’t want comfort, he wanted her back!

“Where were you for her!? Why didn’t anyone else see her pain!?” His eyes are tragedy and desperation underneath the weakened cold anger of ice blue, a faint few tears streaking down his face as his voice - thunderous and howling - cracks and breaks alongside his crumbling rage. If he couldn’t have fixed this, then someone else could have - why didn’t anyone fix this!?

“You know it’s not morally correct to monitor everyone’s private emotions all the time. What kind of leader would I be if I didn’t allow my people their privacy?” Huang Hua stills and clasps her hands together at her waist, understanding Lance’s outward anger. However, she realized his statement signaled something else as well; Lance could no longer fight why he should allow himself to grieve, so he was desperately clinging onto some semblance of needing to be distant by turning it to be someone’s fault - someone that he could hate.  “You are right in a way; of the many people who knew her, someone might have been able to catch how torn up she felt, but people who wish to hide their pain, or spend so long hiding their pain that it becomes a part of who they are, learn how to hide their pain in ways too complex for others to realize. And, Lance, if she didn’t want anyone to know about her grief, there wouldn’t have been much that I could have done anyways.”

“You could have helped her!” The dragon’s voice was weakening as he spoke, distant anger being replaced by a cold, hollow emptiness as he realized the truth in Huang Hua’s words.

“Only if she was ready for that help. You can’t force someone to accept help, you can only wait for them to allow themselves to be helped.”

“She wouldn’t want me to find relief during this time...” He looked away toward the ground and hung his head, blinking rapidly as he began to heave for breath. There must be a reason why he shouldn’t be allowed to feel this way .

“Do you think she would have wanted everything good you did - whether she knows what you did or not - to be destroyed because of your grief for her?” Lance’s eyes squinted closed and he tilted his head a bit further away from the phoenix. It seemed as though every reminder of everything good he’s done continues to leave him with a hollow chest. “I think if she witnessed firsthand everything you’ve done the past seven years she would have thought very differently about you now than what she did when first having woken up from the crystal.”

Lance turns to face his back towards her, resting a palm on his forehead before brushing his fingers back through his hair as a tremble rolls through him. He could feel pressure rising from his throat as he bared his teeth in an agonized snarl before parting his mouth to silently gasp for air. His head tilted back to look at the sky, only for a few tears to fall from his eyes when he releases a shaky breath.

“Lance, your situation with her was very unique - no one else could begin to understand exactly what you’re feeling from your history with her. Take some time so you can understand it - and fix, or do, or feel whatever you need to - so you can carry forward knowing yourself better.”

He wanted to fight her statement, but his moral compass argued with his resistance on this as well. If anything, of whatever terrible things came as a result of her death, there should be some good sought from it as well. What’s the point of accepting a tragedy if not to learn something from it as well, even if it’s something quiet that no one else knows you learned?

For the first time in a long while - if not ever - Lance allows himself to break and be comforted. He lets himself embrace the burning, stinging pain that rises in his chest as he turns his head back to the ground and collapses on his knees. Huang Hua immediately reacts and is by his side in moments, on her knees and laying a gentle hand on his shoulder as she leans against him slightly. Sobs escape his throat as his body tenses and curls forward slightly, bracing a hand on the ground to steady himself as tremulous waves of emotions - any and all emotions that could possibly be named - wash over him and leave him gasping for air.

“I miss her, too.” Huang Hua’s voice shakes now as she leans further against the dragon, bringing her arms as far around him as she can while her head rests against his shoulder, away from the spines on his pauldrons. Lance brings his other hand up and tightly grasps the forearm reaching across his chest.

Huang Hua had spent so much time trying to help others through this that she had completely forgotten to make sure she was alright as well, and seeing Lance - the man she least expected to be torn apart by this situation - completely break and fall apart before her eyes reminded her of the true depth of their loss. They didn’t just lose Eldarya’s savior, they had lost a friend, a great warrior, one of the last angels, someone who was pure at heart and wasn’t afraid to face the darkness of life without so much as a blink of hesitation. They had lost someone who gave everything for the world, and suffered because of it.

Minutes merged until they were unsure of how long they spent in the fields, but in time both of them calmed down. Lance - now able to think clearer on the subject - began to reflect on the situation.

“This wasn’t her fault... the blame is on all of us, for not having seen anything... but she must have known that someone would have been there for her if they knew how much she was hurting...” He murmured this quietly, waves of shame washing over him again as he realized he was perhaps pinning some of the blame on Guardienne. Was there really anyone to blame here? She must have known that someone would have been there for her if she sought help, but it’s not right for others to pry into the personal life of another if the intrusion is unwelcomed, and who was to say she wanted help in the first place? Had she given up? Would anyone have been able to stop her to begin with? Who was to blame, if there was anyone?

“There’s nothing we can do now except honor her and move forward.” Huang Hua whispered back with a shaky voice and Lance faintly nodded his head. There were many things that worked together to lead to this happening, and in between there also were moments where something could have helped deter it, both by her doing and by others. At the root core, everyone and anyone could have helped stop this in some way, even if it was by giving her a small passing smile that could have helped remind her that there is good and hope in the world, but there’s also no guarantee that anyone could have stopped it. Regardless, this is how things happened. They can’t change the past, but they can move forward with her in mind and learn from this.

Lance - despite his heavy grief and complex emotions on everything - begins to soften himself to the situation. He’s not the only one grieving. His situation may have been the most complicated, but he’s still in the same boat as everyone else. He doesn’t feel the need to sob alongside the others anymore, but he does find that whenever the group he’s in begins to fall apart into wailing, he’ll bow his head and won’t hide the obvious pain that he’s in at the reminder of his lost love. His feelings for Guardienne will be kept quiet, and he won’t openly say how he felt about her - it could still be seen as wrong in the opinion of some people for him to have fallen in love with the same woman he hurt so much, especially knowing her pain is what led to her death - but he won’t deny the truth of his feelings to those who caught on somehow. Lance will find that he’ll slowly begin to mend after this death, many months after of course, but it’ll happen, and in some ways this will help him move past his brother’s death as well. After all, in the end both Guardienne and Valkyon came to accept their final moments in life before allowing Lance’s past actions to bring about their end, and although one chose to die to help mend him and the other chose to die to help relieve herself, the root issue of the situation that led to their death was still very similar. He’ll have a hard time allowing himself to move past the fact that his actions played a major part in both deaths, but he realizes in time that that’s what happens when someone has a violent past. It’ll haunt for many years, and the effects of it can never be reversed, but in the end this only inspires him to work harder to provide a better world. Maybe he can’t erase what he did, but he can make sure it doesn’t happen again and work to provide Eldarya with as much good as he can provide now.

Without a doubt Guardienne’s death hits him hard, but he’ll be sure to come back twice as strong from this.

I hope you like this, Anon! I feel Guardienne’s suicide would definitely hit Lance hard and remind him subtly of Valkyon’s death, but I don’t see Lance being held down by this for too long. He’d heavily grieve for her for a good while before he eventually finds himself standing on two feet again and powering his way through life, if not for his own sake then for the sake of others, both alive and dead. 

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[coochiequeens]

Victoria Cooper thought her drinking habits in college were just like everyone else's. Shots at parties. Beers while bowling. Sure, she got more refills than some and missed classes while nursing hangovers, but she couldn't have a problem, she thought.

"Because of what my picture of alcoholism was — old men who brown-bagged it in a parking lot — I thought I was fine," says Cooper, now sober and living in Chapel Hill, N.C.

That common image of who is affected by alcohol disorders, echoed throughout pop culture, was misleading over a decade ago when Cooper was in college. And it's even less representative today.

For nearly a century, women have been closing the gender gap in alcohol consumption, binge-drinking and alcohol use disorder. What was previously a 3-1 ratio for risky drinking habits in men versus women is closer to 1-to-1 globally, a 2016 analysis of several dozen studies suggested.

And the latest U.S. data from 2019 shows that women in their teens and early 20s reported drinking and getting drunk at higher rates than their male peers — in some cases for the first time since researchers began measuring such behavior.

This trend parallels the rise in mental health concerns among young women, and researchers worry that the long-term effects of the COVID-19 pandemic could amplify both patterns.

"It's not only that we're seeing women drinking more, but that they're really being affected by this physically and mental health-wise," says Dawn Sugarman, a research psychologist at McLean Hospital in Massachusetts, who has studied addiction in women.

Research shows women suffer health consequences of alcohol — liver disease, heart disease and cancer — more quickly than men and even with lower levels of consumption.

Perhaps most concerning is that the rising gender equality in alcohol use doesn't extend to the recognition or treatment of alcohol disorders, Sugarman says. So even as some women drink more, they're often less likely to get the help they need.

In Cooper's case, drinking eventually led her to drop out of college at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. She moved back home and was soon taking a shot or two of vodka each morning before heading to the office for her finance job, followed by two more drinks at lunch.

When she tried to quit on her own, she was quickly pulled back by the disease.

"That's when I got scared, when I tried to not drink and only made it two days," says Cooper, now 30. "I was drinking for survival, basically."

Drinking to cope

Although the gender gap in alcohol consumption is narrowing among all ages, the reasons differ. For people over 26, women are increasing their alcohol consumption faster than men. Among teens and young adults, however, there's an overall decline in drinking. The decline is simply slower for women.

That may sound like progress, says Aaron White, a senior scientific adviser at the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. But it may indicate larger underlying issues.

"We have a real concern that while there might be fewer people drinking, many of those who are drinking might be doing so specifically to try to cope," White says. "And that is problematic."

Research suggests that people who drink to cope — as opposed to drinking for pleasure — have a higher risk of developing alcohol use disorder. And while every individual's reasons for drinking are different, studies have found that women are more likely to drink to cope than men.

In Cooper's teenage years, alcohol helped her overcome social anxiety, she says. Then she was sexually assaulted, and a new pattern emerged. Drink to deal with trauma. Experience new trauma while drinking. Repeat. "It's hard to get out of that cycle of shame, drinking and abuse," Cooper says.

Women are statistically more likely to experience childhood abuse or sexual assault than men. In recent years, studies have found rates of depression, anxiety, eating disorders and suicideare climbing among teenage and young adult women. That could be driving their alcohol use, White says

And the layers of stress, isolation and trauma from COVID-19 could make things worse.

One study that looked at alcohol's effects on college students early in the pandemic found increased alcohol use among those who reported higher levels of stress and anxiety. And several studies found women were more likely to report rises in drinking during the pandemic, especially if they experienced increased stress.

"For us to address issues with alcohol, we also need to address these pervasive issues with mental health," White says. "They are all related."

What's more, despite alcohol's temporary calming properties, it can actuallyincrease anxiety and depression, research suggests; some studies show it may lead to depression more quickly in women than in men.

When Gillian Tietz began drinking in graduate school, she found a glass of wine helped ease her stress. But as soon as the glass emptied, her concerns worsened. Within a year, she began drinking daily and couldn't sleep. Anxiety kept her up at night, she says, and she started having suicidal thoughts.

It was only when Tietz took a brief reprieve from alcohol that she noticed the connection. Suddenly, the suicidal thoughts stopped.

"That made the decision to quit really powerful," says Tietz, 30, who now hosts a podcast called Sober Powered. "I knew exactly what alcohol did to me."

Rising risks: From hangovers to cancer

Until the 1990s, most research on alcohol focused on men. Now, as women approach parity in drinking habits, scientists are uncovering more about the unequal damage that alcohol causes to their bodies.

Women generally have less body water, which dissolves alcohol, than men of the same weight. That means the same number of drinks leads them to have higher concentrations of alcohol in the blood, and their body tissues are exposed to more alcohol per drink.

The result? "From less years of alcohol use, women are getting sicker faster," says Sugarman, of McLean Hospital.

They're at greater risk for hangovers, blackouts, liver disease, alcohol-induced cardiovascular diseases and certain cancers. One study found alcohol-related visits to the emergency room from 2006 to 2014 increased 70% for women, compared with 58% for men. Another paper reported that the rate of alcohol-related cirrhosis from 2009 to 2015 rose 50% for women, compared with 30% for men.

Yet when it comes to prevention and treatment of alcohol-related health issues, "that message is not really getting out there," Sugarman says.

As part of a research study, Sugarman and her colleagues gave women struggling with alcohol use information on how alcohol affects women differently from men. Some participants had been in detox 20 times yet had never heard this information, Sugarman says.

Research from Sugarman's colleagues found that women with alcohol use disorder had better outcomes when they were in women-only treatment groups, which included a focus on mental health and trauma, as well as education about gender-specific elements of addiction.

Cooper says enrolling in a 90-day residential treatment program in 2018 drastically changed her own perception of who is affected by addiction. She found herself surrounded by other women in their 20s who also struggled with alcohol and other drugs. "It was the first time in a very long time that I had not felt alone," she says.

In 2019, she returned to UNC-Chapel Hill and finished her degree in women's and gender studies, even completing a capstone project on the links among sexual violence, trauma and addiction.

Although Cooper says 12-step programs have helped her stay sober for 3 1/2 years now, a downside to those efforts is that they are often male dominated: educational materials written by men, advice geared toward men, examples about men.

Cooper plans to return to school this fall for a master's degree in social work, with the goal of working to change those gender disparities in the field.

Kaiser Health News is a national, editorially independent newsroom and program of the Kaiser Family Foundation. KHN is not affiliated with Kaiser Permanente.

This why I hate when men make jokes about women and wine.

And if NPR is going to talk about how women consume alcohol differently than men and women have trouble finding programs that address their issues maybe they can admit that women deserve their own spaces.

[maladaptive-dreamer]

I've been daydreaming for about 5 years as a way to cope with stress, but I didn't realize it was a problem until about a year later when i couldn't focus on anything. Any time anyone spoke to me, I zoned out and everyone mocked me for daydreaming for hours on end. Recently I've found myself reenacting my daydreams. Pulling faces, posing, saying what a character in my head is saying. I don't realise I'm doing it until after I finish daydreaming. Do you have any advise to help control the reenacting?

Oh my gosh, I struggle with this SO much. I know a lot of other maladaptive daydreamers do, too. (To any of my followers reading this, please drop advice in the replies and reblogs!!)

Also, I just say this. You are NOT strange for doing this, you are NOT weird, and NOBODY should be mocking you for...well...anything. (Please send me their full names and addresses and I will resolve this for you. I’m just kidding, violence isn’t the answer.)

One key step to controlling this aspect of your daydreams is to just be more aware of when you might start daydreaming. Learning your triggers and either avoiding or controlling them is key. Also, taking care of your mental health overall is so, so important!! Show yourself some love today. And tomorrow. And every day after that. I promise it’ll help so much.

PHYSICALLY ACTING OUT: Hold things!! I don’t know if this will help much, but if I’m holding something my paras couldn’t/wouldn’t be holding, then I don’t move my arms as much. For example, I have a stress ball from my dad’s work. The company doesn’t exist in my paracosm, so therefore my para wouldn’t be holding the stress ball and I can’t move that arm or I will be reminded of this discrepancy.

If I’m in public and don’t have something personalized like that, I’ll pose like I’m doing something and just happen to be zoning out, such as reading a book or preparing to write in a journal when I feel a daydreaming surge coming. Then I will start daydreaming and usually just freeze in that very deliberate pose. If I was standing in a more casual pose or hadn’t thought so hard about how I was posing, I would move around without realizing it. However, since I specifically chose that pose, I tend not to move. That doesn’t always work, but it’s saved me a few times now :)

As for pulling faces, this is still something I really struggle with. Wearing a mask in public has helped a lot, but I’ve developed a lot of anxiety over people seeing me pull faces that don’t make sense, given the circumstances. I’m sorry to say I don’t have a ton of advice for that particular issue.

TALKING OUT LOUD: One thing that helps me is being very aware of my mouth. If I’m repeating the words of my paras too much, I’ll stick in a piece of gum. Otherwise, I’ll bite my lower lip (gently!), run my tongue over the backs of my teeth, or press my tongue firmly to the roof of my mouth.

[f0reverchanging]

Composing my thoughts

Alright. I've been gone for a long while. I'm sorry. I've been through a lot of ups and downs over the last... However many months it's been since I last posted here. The short version is that I'm still transitioning. The long version is that things are still hard and I'm kind of desperate for an out; just to live my life without fear of rejection, loss, fear, anxiety, depression, and everything else a transwoman would need to feel safe, secure, happy, and sure of herself. Laser hair removal has been hard. Not only does it cost a fuckload ($2400 for my beard/neck alone!), but it also hurts like a goddamned bitch every time. I think I've cried at four of my six sessions so far, both because of the physical pain I am subjecting myself to, but also the emotional and mental pain of "What the fuck did I do to deserve this small hell I'm dealing with? Why couldn't I just be happy as a man instead?"

Injections have been hard, even with my auto-injector (which, friends, I HIGHLY recommend getting), because I'm just not seeing the results you'd expect from being on hormones for 18 months (12 on pills, 6 on injections), and because I'm just exhausted of the needles every week.

It has definitely gotten easier since the first few injections, but it's still so disheartening. Pronouns are hard, too, and they seem to get harder every day. I'm still officially going by he/him/sir/dude/guy/etc. but every time someone refers to me that way I cringe. It feels wrong. It feels so fucking wrong, but so does she/her/ma'am/lady/etc. because I still look, feel, and act like a man. At one point, my best friend called me a transwoman and I damn near had a panic attack. I felt like I was stealing something from women in that moment, and like I didn't deserve to be called any form of woman, like I was some sort of imposter, and I'm terrified that that feeling will never go away. Maybe it'll get better when I start presenting more femme, but who knows because... Presenting as femme is fucking hard, too. I care so much about my presentation and how the world around me views me. I cannot handle being judged, or laughed and gawked at. My god, it's even fucking rough dealing with some of the stares I've already gotten. Hell, at one point, an older, male coworker just could not look me in the eyes while we talked, instead spending the whole conversation staring at my, admittedly, grossly under-developed chest. I was, and still am, in full boymode 100% of the time, so what the fuck? Is this weirdly affirming, or..? What??

Or the few times I've gone into the bathroom and had people do a double-take on me. I mean, something is happening there, right? But.. Is that okay? Am I making people uncomfortable by existing? Should I do something else, somewhere else? I couldn't even bring myself to go to the Halloween party I was invited to and wear my costume (a lovely goth dress with an awesome pair of boots!) because I was terrified of how the people around me would react. Ugh. The future is terrifying. The media, and republicans, are making transwomen *the* issue of 2022, and by extension the 2024 election. There was a fucking mass shooting at an LGBTQIA+ bar just the other day where a transwoman and transman were among the victims, and people were actually okay with it. Imagine being okay with murder because someone dresses differently than you. Holy fuck. This is horrifying. Ugh. I'm going to smoke and then write a second post, specifically about Thanksgiving and how I should, or will be, coming out to my Mother, Step-father, and Grandmother, and how fucking terrifying that is.

[kichaelming-blog]

kevinthefinkpanther vs the UTA100

It’s been ages since I last posted so the comeback had to be something special. And I think it is. Earlier this year I got wind that an old mate from New Zealand, Kevin Fink, was competing in an event I’d never heard of before – The UTA100. I was intrigued by the name alone and, knowing that Kevin was a keen runner, my interest was piqued well and truly. The UTA100 is a 100klm ultra-marathon through the ranges of the Blue Mountains outside of Sydney, Australia. It’s an intense endurance event which tests every aspect of the runner – physical, mental, spiritual – and the chance to speak to someone I know personally who had completed it was too good an opportunity to turn down.

Kevin very graciously gave me his time a week or so after completing the UTA100 and I thank him dearly for it. I will be eagerly watching Kevin’s future achievements.

Follow Kevin and his running adventures on Instagram: @kevinthefinkpanther

 NB: Some of the place names and/or events mentioned have been linked to for further information.

 MKMT - Has the enormity of what you've achieved sunk in by now? 

KF - Honestly at the time it felt like a big deal, like something that I had been working on for a long time, was clearly nervous about and was in the balance for the majority of the event, but now looking back it feels like no big thing. Like its time to set my new goal and start another adventure

 MKMT - How long have you had your eye on this event?

KF - My mate and I used to watch a TV show that aired on ESPN called "Search4Hurt". They would go to different high-profile sports teams and try and train with them. We would then take those techniques and use them in our workout regime. It was something that kept me sane and focused during a difficult personal situation. Anyway back in 2015 they did a highlight in what was then called the North Face 100 in the Blue Mountains (Aus). It just blew me away that people, ordinary fit people, could run 100k in the mountains. A seed was sown, and I started running more and lifting less

 MKMT - How long have you been running long distance events for?

KF - That’s a really good question. I ran a series of half marathon road races without really pushing my limits. When I advised my partner that I was planning on running an ultra at some stage she laughed and said I hadn’t even run a marathon before so it was a silly goal.  Next day I got up and ran 42k….It took five and a half hours and I felt stuffed at the end of it. That was late 2015. In March 2016 I ran with a group of guys around the Karapoti Classic course which is around 48k and has 2000m of elevation gain. I was really nervous about that one, was worried that I would hold everyone up but, although it was hard, I needn’t have worried. That was probably my first proper big run

 MKMT - Were you able to - or was there a need to - work training for this event in with other events you were running in? For example - were there any other races which you competed in and used as part of your over-all training for the UTA?

KF - I was supposed to, yeah, that was the plan. I was to attend the Shotover moonlight marathon which takes place in February in Queenstown (NZ). Unfortunately, late last year I managed to injure myself completing a north- south traverse of the Tararuas (NZ) so was unable to attend. It also meant that I couldn't start running until mid-February.

  MKMT - How did you develop a training plan for a run of this size? Did you work on upping your total miles each week or did you work on more of a length of time training schedule?

KF - Until I healed my training was really dictated by my injury. Lots of time at the gym on the spin cycle and lots of time building strength (single leg deadlifts, pistol squats, core strength work etc). When I could finally run I aimed for distance over the week - my goal being 100k. In reality I only ever hit this a handful of times. My other focus was obviously plenty of hill work and stair repeats, lots of high intensity style workouts to bring my overall fitness up. The idea being not only could I cover the distance, but the constant elevation changes wouldn’t affect me and when the track became runnable again I could run as fast as possible

 MKMT - Onto the race itself.

Can you talk me through your pre-race preparation?

KF - Mental or physical? Honestly this felt like any other big run I had been on. It was a little daunting not knowing the course at all but I knew that there would be good on course support if something went wrong.

Because the Blue Mountains is a good few hours out of Sydney I stayed in bunk beds at a cheap hostel the night before. Made sure I had all my mandatory kit laid out the night before and ate my usual breakfast of porridge and yoghurt the morning of. I didn’t get much sleep but again because of the nature and location of the big runs I often attend staying in DOC huts etc is pretty standard.

 MKMT - Did you have a support crew during the race? If so, can you say who they were and what their roles were?

KF - I did not. Unbelievably despite paying for my fiancé to come and support me she decided that a day shopping in Sydney was more fun than standing around in the middle of nowhere to give me food.  They had 3 drop bag locations which I used and my partner came out to cheer me through the finish line chute and bring me chocolate milk which was pretty awesome.

 MKMT - Were there any essential items you HAD to pack for during the race - either as instructed in the race rules or simply from your own requirements?

KF - Yeah the UTA rules are hardout. Thermal top and leggings, waterproof jacket, beanie, two headlamps, mobile phone, compass, whistle, emergency space blanket, dry sack, first aid kit, minimum water carrying capacity of two litres, waterproof map case, food portions, gloves, map of course. All these things were included and are pretty standard on long runs but we also needed a compression bandage, firelighter block, windproof matches, waterproof pants, polar fleece top, High viz top which had to be worn after four-thirty PM.

 MKMT - Can you talk me through the race itself. What were the other competitors like? Is there a sense of camaraderie during the event?

KF - Yes! Everyone is in it together, there is no place for massive egos. I find in trail races especially people have a really good understanding of letting faster people through until you are naturally running with people at a similar pace as yourself. It’s going to be a long day so naturally you get chatting, "Where are you from? Have you been here before? Target times? What do you do for a job?" etc. Then at about the 60 odd k mark you run through the Katoomba township again and people come out of their houses and line the streets. Pretty awesome vibe! You get high fives from all the kids and the old boys sit there with their box of Fosters cheering you on. Great work from volunteers in the aid stations too 

 MKMT - Would you consider massage to be an effective/complimentary training and recovery tool for someone considering a run of this distance and/or ANY long-distance events?

KF - I always thought it was a little bit silly until one day at the end of the first day of a 3 day race. One of the participants partners who was staying with us gave me a massage. From that day on I’ve been a convert. I think it’s easy to get caught up in a training regime mentality without thinking of the larger picture which is we want out tendons, muscles and joints moving as efficiently as possible. I also find having an expert look over your body for issues or tightness that you should work on very beneficial. I often find things that I’m concerned about are non-issues and things I didn’t know about are a much bigger deal overall.

 MKMT - Have you used massage specifically for running before? 

KF - Yes

 MKMT - What’s next on the agenda? Do you now go even bigger or do you aim to wind it back a little?

KF - Next is getting married, that’s the greatest adventure of them all right?  Running related goals though I’m probably looking at Taupo 50k later this year. Going into summer I really like to get some big adventures knocked off - run the Northern circuit, that’s the sort of stuff that really gets my adrenal glands flowing, self-supported missions. Next year I want to complete the Shotover moonlight marathon. I’ve got unfinished business there. Long term though I really want to get into a long European mountain race. I’ve got enough points for CCC now so it’s a case of getting through the lottery stages. If I can’t do that then maybe Laverado Ultra or similar.

[protruth-prochoice]

The wording of the attempted 22-week LMP ban could have been made Constitutional and I would have supported it. The Constitutional version would have required "serious health or mental health condition" be the line at which the doctor could do their first alternative -- labor induction/another method of getting the baby that could potentially survive out alive, then giving ones who survive the labor induction medical care. If such an arrangement was impossible because of immediate threat to mother's life making the delay involved to try to save both placing her at further risk, then do whatever has to be done to save the mother.

That would have been Constitutional, even if it would result in a lot of NICU spending -- not *that* much because of how rare the are, but still. There'd be some kids born alive that comfort care was the only ethical medical treatment for -- if my friends had chosen abortion with their son with no kidneys, under such a law it'd go under "mental health" because I'd have gone insane if I had to carry a child that couldn't live -- but morphine and being held wouldn't hurt them. The nurses, yeah. That'd be a hard ward, but so is the NICU anyway.

But it'd also allow someone using a "mental health" exemption whose child only had Down Syndrome to both not be an incubator, not be a parent, and let a survivable medical/developmental disability in the child be treated and the child adopted. The old warehousing of Down Syndrome patients has contributed probably to why women feel it'd be more ethical to abort than institutionalize their child, but DS kids actually have better chances in adoptions now than other developmental disabilities. It's easier to predict the prognosis than in disabilities caused by substance abuse, etc.

As it was written, though, the law was laughable. They were saying even the first -- live premature birth -- was only justified for life-threatening physical conditions. If it's already to the point of being life-threatening vs "serious health/complications can happen/we have an opportunity to prevent sickness", how likely is it they're going to be able to get a neonatal team together fast enough to save the baby? Not damn likely. To be successful, they'd need time -- preferably, time enough to give baby steroids if in the right timeframe where they'd be beneficial.

Since there's a continuum that isn't easily defined between "serious health issues" and "actively dying", and things can go from the first to the second rapidly, the ONLY ethical law must make health the line. With proper Roe and Doe health/mental health exemptions, making a plan to try to save the child if it can be done is rational. It's what most parents would do anyway after 22 weeks. When in the physician's view the attempt to save both would endanger her life from a life-threatening physical condition, focusing on the mom as the primary patient makes complete sense. Only with health being the line for their idea of trying to save the kids that could potentially live does the second make any sense.

The other issue was that it defined "abortion" by saying any birth induction performed for any other intent than "to produce a live birth and preserve the life and health of the child born alive" was an abortion. In other words, even if the baby can survive but the early delivery isn't for its sake, the mom must wait until her life is threatened to have an induction. Not just her health, her life. Specifically, even after viability is confirmed and the kid will live fine, no need for NICU at all, but just hasn't wanted to move out yet.

So the induction of my friend's 35 week, 6 day, 7+ lb son because she had a history of pre-eclampsia and her blood pressure was going up would have been an illegal abortion. Illegal because it was done to preserve her health, not his or her life.

That's what happens when people who aren't scientists try to legislate medical care. More than half the live healthy births in the US, including all elective Cesareans, become illegal abortions!

Oh, and it was fine with abortions because of rape, if she'd gotten counseling for the rape. I'm all for encouraging survivors of rape to get counseling, so even though I hate to add more burdens to the pregnant rape victim's plate, as long as it was the counselor of her choice... counseling is good. Only halfway sane part of the legislation, even if it proved the reason people judge abortion is sexual morality and not preservation of life/health.

abortion should always be accessible, affordable, and available at any point during a pregnancy. 

no two pregnancies are alike; there is always a chance that people will suddenly need access to an abortion, even late into their pregnancy. laws that ban abortion after a certain milestone seriously endanger the lives of people in these circumstances and ignore the reasons why people seek late-term abortion (i.e. serious medical emergencies). people do not get abortions “for fun” and the myth that they do is anti-choice propaganda that is highly manipulative and very misleading. people do not get late-term abortions for the hell of it; they get them because it is a necessity.

and besides all that, other people’s reproductive choices are NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. keep your nose and your opinions out of it.