#It's after 4am so hopefully I got this across well - and if I didn't you should get what I meant tho I hope

[buckgasms]

Let's talk about Bucharest Bucky 😍

So last night I couldn't sleep again so I thought about this and then I kept thinking too much and was awake till 4am but sometimes life is like that....

I've written some of the text like this so you can know what's being said but only the bold is what the reader understands. Hopefully that makes sense!

Running

You have escaped from the Hydra base, running blindly through forests, across railway tracks and through deserted city streets.

Your body is aching and burning from your running, but you can't stop, can't listen to it until you know they can't find you any more.

You've been frozen and unfrozen so many times you have no idea how old you are. You were taken and used and made to be some sort of baby making machine for Hydra. But it never seemed to work.

All you had now was broken Russian, scars, fear and twisted memories that you couldn't make sense of.

Finally you reached an abandoned building and squeezed through the holes in the window, you might have even nicked yourself on the glass but you didn't care. Your blood pumps through your ears and all you can hear is your own heartbeat thudding.

You sneak through the building until you come across a small room. It's got a beat up mattress and a blanket, a little radio and a table and chairs. It looks abandoned so you sink down to the mattress and let your exhaustion take you.

Meeting

You awake suddenly, aware of faint music being played in the background. Your body freezes as you hear soft shuffling.

"Are you awake?" A man's voice asks in the quiet of the room and you manage to turn over, putting your back to the wall and clutching your knees to your chest. He looks almost as nervous as you feel.

"You must be hungry? Come and eat" he places a bag of something on the table and it smells divine. Your stomach betrays you and growls so you tentatively hobble over to the table and take the food. You look inside and grab a fry, it's salty and warm and delicious, but you nibble slowly. Still watching him.

"Do you have a name?" He asked

You nod and manage to whisper it out. You point at him and he takes off the chain around his neck and slides it over to you.

The words "James Barnes.... 1917.... Brooklyn" stand out to you.

"My name is James" he says, almost as if he's telling himself as well. You rub the metal between your fingers as you nibble on the food.

"Brooklyn?" You say eyeing him. "Where?" He smiles and tells you it's America and your head nods because you think you might be from there too! You point at yourself and say "America!" Which makes him smile, which you like a lot.

"You're hurt" he says after a moment and he points to your feet which are quite bloody and dirty. You also have cuts on your limbs from your nighttime adventures. He moves and rustles around the room until he returns with bandages, water and other things from a makeshift first aid kit.

You start to shake when he approaches but you continue eating and stick your left foot out for him to help you. You think maybe he would have done something by now if he was going to hurt you. You can be brave. You can.

"What happened to you?" He asks but you don't understand him. Eventually he points at your injuries and says, "How..." He sets to work and you rack your brain for the words in Russian for your ordeal.

"In the lab. Unfrozen.... Lights go off... Very dark. Noises, very loud. I ran... Got away" your shaking intensifies as you talk so he gently squeezes your ankle as he wraps your foot in a bandage.

"Why?" He asks and you shrug. You had been asking yourself that over and over for the last, who knows how long. He finishes tending to your feet when he asks, "Who?"

Your fingers grip his tag and your hands shake when you whisper, "Hydra."

His hands let go of your foot and he stands up, backing away until he hits the wall. His face is pale as a sheet and he looks like he's going to be sick.

"Hydra had you? Did they follow you?" He shakes and it scares you because he had been so calm before but you don't understand everything he says as he rants, his brow covered in sweat.

You begin to cry, you don't understand and it's not your fault. As tears track down your cheeks he seems to calm down and comes back to you, kneeling and taking your hand in his.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I know.... I know Hydra.... We just have to be safe...." He says and squeezes your hand in his. "It's ok, let me think. Eat and I'll think... Just let me think..."

Eventually he removes his jacket and glove from his arm and you are shocked to see his arm is made completely of metal. "They hurt me too" he says softly. You nod and wipe your tears away as he returns to mend your wounds.

Learning

After a few days you settle into a little routine with James. You don't ever leave the room you just stay put and potter about. You listen intently to the radio, trying to pick up more words to improve your Russian when James goes out. He sometimes leaves his little book behind and you study the pages, running your fingers over his neat writing.

He brings food, he seems to like fruit and he shares soft peaches, crunchy apples and juicy plums which you both smile at as you eat.

You managed to learn enough Russian to insist he gets a mattress for himself after spending a week sleeping on the cold floor. When he was out you arranged them so your heads were next to each other in a little L shape.

Whatever Hydra had done to him it must have been awful. He wakes often at night sometimes shouting at a mystery spectre. It scares you at first, and you would lie dead still until his breathing returns to normal.

But as time goes on you feel braver and reach a hand out to him, pressing on his shoulder and whispering "I'm here". Words he taught you when you woke him up with your cries in the night. It seems to soothe him quicker and it makes your stomach ease when he relaxes at your touch.

Tonight he takes longer, shakes harder and you notice little tears slipping down his cheeks. Feeling brave you crawl off your mattress and perch on the side of his. Your hand rests on his tags and you rub them between your fingers.

"James Barnes.... 1917.... Brooklyn"

You whisper it over and over again, his hand grips yours and his breath finally evens out. You shiver in the cold and he pulls you down keeping you close and your eyes slip closed as your body warms up in his arms and your body relaxes.

Moving

James decides one morning it's time to find somewhere else to stay. "Never linger too long" he says as you help him pack up a few little things and you smile at him.

"Never linger" you say in a gruff voice at an attempt to mock him and he smiles, walking over and nudging you with his hip. It makes you giggle and he smiles more.

He brings you to a little apartment block and walks up to the fifth floor. It's a dingy little place and you don't feel very safe but you know being with James it'll be ok.

You help him cover up the windows and clean the room. He moves the bed into the kitchen as you scrub the sink clean, noticing there's only one now. It makes you feel....something.

He goes out again and returns with some essentials. A few more clothes, some fresh bedding and some food. He also pulls out a pot plant out of his rucksack and he turns almost beetroot red as he slides it across the table towards you.

"I can't buy you flowers. But I can buy you this..."

You smile and shuffle round the table sliding your arms around his waist. He presses his lips to your head and you both stay there for a moment, before going back to your chores.

Summer

As the heat builds in the city you feel braver about being outside. Sometimes you don't go out together so he has sorted out a plan in case anything goes wrong.

While he does his thing, you do yours. You spend time at the nearby library and take books home to read with James. You sit in his lap and run your finger along the page, following the words. He holds you close and rubs circles in your skin, soothed by your soft, determined voice as you learn more and improve everyday.

"That was great" he says softly as you close the book and lean back, his lips just inches from yours. You hesitate for a moment before leaning forward and brushing your lips against his. It's electric and then he's pressing his lips against yours, sucking and wrapping you up closer as you whine in his mouth.

You shuffle around a bit in his lap before you are straddling his hips. His metal hand grips at your waist as his flesh hand strokes your cheek. Your fingers grip his face and you lean in for more.

It's suddenly boiling and you pull off your dress and tug at his red shirt until he drags it over his head. Your hands skim without hesitation across his skin, loving everything you see, wanting him against you and closer than you've ever been.

"Beautiful" he whispers as he dips his head down to take your nipple in his mouth, sucking harshly as you tug at his hair and moan. He lavishes attention to you until you become impatient and needy.

"James please" you whine and he finally relents pushing you backwards and laying you down in front of him. He takes a moment removing his jeans and underwear as you lay there, unable to move. You feel scared all of a sudden as he climbs over you.

"Talk to me" he whispers softly as his nose runs over your face and he presses kisses to your cheeks.

"M'scared" you mumble as he gently presses his body down and covers you in his warmth. He soothes you, reassures you and relaxes you until you need him all over again. He chuckles as you kick off your underwear and drag him back on top of you, his thick length pressing against your stomach as you kiss each other with abandon.

"I love you" you whisper as he sinks into you and he exhales a smile. "I love you too"

When your bodies are worn out you lay, wrapped in his arms, a cool breeze dancing over your skin as he kisses your forehead. Suddenly into he dark he mutters,

"Bucky... I'm Bucky"

Loss

One day everything goes wrong. You come back from the library and see the apartment block surrounded by police and army types in tactical gear and guns. Some men are being carried out on stretchers while others head inside.

You almost drop your stack of books but manage to keep walking as you feel panic set in.

Like you've practiced, you walk for 20 minutes towards the local park and you sit in the bandstand for an hour. Then, leaving the books behind you walk for another half and hour and go to the train station and buy a ticket. After the train departs you walk to a coffee shop 10 minutes from your apartment and wait there.

You were hoping Bucky would be there. That was always the plan. You kill time and regroup together later. But as you sat there and waited it was clear he wasn't coming.

Was it hydra? But you had been so careful not to be found.

When the cafe was closing you didn't know what to do so you did the thing you shouldn't do. You headed back to the apartment. It was totally deserted from military activity so you snuck in.

As you climbed the stairs you noticed broken bars on the staircase. Neighbours were attempting to fix their broken doors and dust and the smell of gunpowder was everywhere.

Finally you reached your door. Well what was left of it. The room was in chaos. Bullet holes everywhere, the bed ripped to shreds and a telling hole in the floor where Bucky kept his getaway backpack.

You managed to reach the bed and collapsed into it, sobs wracking though your body. He was gone. Someone had hurt him and taken him from you. And now you were all alone again.

Steve

A few days later you heard footsteps coming up the stairs. You ran into another room but you were spotted and heard a voice say, "Hey!"

You hid behind a wardrobe and a tall blonde man walked into the room. He looked a bit worse for wear and desperate as he looked at you.

"I'm Steve. Rogers. I'm a friend of Bucky."

You had definitely heard that name before. Bucky talked about Steve all the time, and now you looked at him, it was definitely Steve Rogers. Bucky had pictures in his little red book.

"Bucky told me to find you. He's safe, he's with me. He told me he wouldn't go any further without you, so please, please come with me..."

Throwing caution to the wind you removed yourself from your terrible hiding place and nodded. He gave you a moment to grab some belongings and change then you were on the move.

He led you on a short walk until you reached a little blue VW. Another longer drive until you reached a miserable looking warehouse. But you didn't care because then you saw him and you ran as fast as you could to Bucky, jumping into his arms and sobbing.

"Dudes on the run and he still finds a girlfriend?"

That was Sam, you learned later and apparently he and Bucky had met before, but the less said about that meeting the better.

Parting

Your heart hurt as you said goodbye to Bucky to leave with Sharon Carter. You didn't want to be away from him, or for him to be in danger. This all felt wrong and unsafe. What if you were found by the wrong people?

He pressed a kiss to your lips and took off his tags, placing them around your neck. "I'm coming back for these, and I'm coming back for you. I can make a difference and knock out Hydra just that little bit more. It's for us."

You smiled stiffly as tears clung to your eyelashes. He kisses you again and holds you tight. "I won't be long doll, I promise."

Endings

After the fight that left Bucky without his arm and damage to egos and friendships, Bucky and you were hidden in Wakanda. It was a paradise for both of you.

You were left to your own devices for a good while and you'd never felt so at peace. Mornings were spent lazily kissing each other as the sun warmed the little house you occupied. You had a small garden to tend to and Bucky herded goats. Children often came by to gawk at you, but eventually they got more involved in feeding the goats and helping you with your planting. The evenings were a mix of good food, warm fires and making love.

Eventually he was prodded to try and remove the trigger words which you added your own encouragement to. It took a lot of work and pain, but one night he was finally free. In fact you were both finally free....

(and then endgame never happens and they all live happily ever after 😫)

[ugh154628]

Bro....

...you WHAT

Are you actually ADMITTING to cheating on him finally.. after YEARS of saying you never did right now??

Questionable as fuck though because I know that person and I doubt it.

But WHAT??

Aside from you lying and saying you treated him well the whole you dated all those years... what the hell IS this NOW? Literally DAYS after posting so many statuses about how horrible I was for cheating on him when I really didn't?? Like, you're trying to be "honest" FINALLY? Is it because I admitted some of my mistakes and you're just trying to look good now? Or are you really just thought swinging without even realizing it?? Are you being strategic or are you actually delusional and doing some DID splitting or something?? Because this just makes you look even more insane in so many fucking ways. And now I'm having a really hard time believing you're doing this purposely.

#1: You lied about being loyal to him and "never" cheating, the whole 3.5 years I was dating him, while smearing us across social media.

#2: You lied UP until THIS point about being loyal to him when you first dated, while LYING about me cheating on him for almost 2 years straight now after you got back together.

#3: You posted HUNDREDS of statuses about me being a cheater to discredit me... the most recent being days ago... when I never actually cheated:

But now THIS? Either really admitting to cheating or making up a story to fake admission but not the tikes you ACTUALLY cheated? I don't fucking know anymore. What the fuck is going on??

Every time I think you can't get any more insane, you do. At this point I really am starting to believe that you HAVE cut off from reality and have some level of untreated schizophrenia or something. Or split personality...dissociative idenitity maybe? I don't know but something is really, really wrong here.

Which mind you, it IS dangerous when the schizophrenic is targetting one person every day for years and mental illness is no excuse for that, but at the same time, like... wow... I actually think I feel bad for you for once. I am genuinely and not in a sarcastic way, feeling really worried for you...not just myself. I still prioritize my own well being and safety here obviously, but holy shit dude. It actually makes me feel extremely sad that people can be this far gone and not see it for themselves. That is such a horrible and misunderstood life to live, living with untreated mental illness that severe. I'm more scared of you now too, considering all of this, but I also feel like I'm actually sympathizing..? Or moreso empathizing, like putting myself in your shoes and thinking about living with delusion like this unintentionally. Although you have been and still are so fucking awful to me, I actually feel my heart hurting for you to some degree.

I think you really need a chance at genuine inpatient psychiatric help and hopefully medicine that can control whatever is going in your head, and I really hope you do, for yourself and not just for me / to get you stop doing what you do to me. I don't think I have ever seen anyone in my life, let alone in a movie or documentary mentally swing like this, and regardless of the sympathy, it's still a scary problem for both me AND you at this point.

Don't get me wrong - I'm still angry, I'm still going to talk about it, I'm still going to tell my story, I still have to do the damage control because what you did/do has caused so many serious problems for me, and at the end of the day, no one's even severe mental illness and the harm that results toward me is my responsibility to stand by and deal with, and I am going to put my feelings first here; but with that said, I hurt for you and I really do hope you get help and have a chance at living a normal life one day if you really aren't knowingly doing this. Being that far gone has to be horrible for a person, like even if they don't notice how bad it is or that it's bad at all. Absolutely horrible.

A person unknowingly being harmful to so many people around them, targetting people extremely and seeing nothing wrong with that, living in a whole other realm than everyone around them and just being totally unaware of reality is so fucking sad to think about. It seriously is awful to think about from a first person perspective. Shit actually makes me want to cry putting myself in your shoes imagining that as a possibly.

Either way, not my problem to worry about, I need to stop. You hurt me, you genuinely traumatized me, you did and continue to do awful things to me, I need to get it out of my system, I need to defend my name, and I determined to make it stop. And maybe, talking about it will make it stop eventually. Maybe talking about it will result in you getting help one day. I really hope it does if it's really is unintentional delusion making you act out how you do. Hell, I hope you get help and sort your shit out if you're doing it on purpose too, but I ultimately won't empathize as much if that ended up being the conclusion. Being totally blind to illness and being knowingly unwell are two different things. I have a hard time empathizing with the latter.

But I guess blindness or not, I hope if this ever stops and after all the anger and hurt, that I can heal, that you can get help and heal too, and that we can live remotely normal lives one day.

But the present is still ugly with no hope.

And, until that changes, fuck you.

[into-the-center-of-things]

Day 2

July 17, 2024

"violent flush of light—

a bullet ricocheting

from gunmetal clouds"

We hit four states today; in the early AM we hit Arizona, then in the morning/afternoon it was New Mexico, most of the late afternoon and evening was Colorado, and tonight we entered Kansas in midst of a crazy lightning storm.

I will admit, I didn't get more than maybe 2 or 3 hours of sleep. I'm making a mental note to find a better position to sleep in, or to purchase the airplane head pillow thing if I intend to take the train again. I was very uncomfortable and mostly stayed up as late as possible watching the desert unfold until I couldn't keep my eyes open, and by the time I laid across both seats and started drifting off they woke me up and told me that someone was going to be sitting with me at Flagstaff (around 4am).

I was worried at first that it would be with someone I didn't like, or a man. To my delight it was another woman my age. I helped her adjust her seat and said we would chat more in the morning. She fell asleep pretty quickly, I took a bit longer. I woke up around 6:30am, the New Mexico overcast meant the sun didn't wake me up immediately.

My seatmate awoke too and I excused myself to get hot water for my coffee. The cafe attendant was more than happy to give me some, and a lady in the cafe car pointed out to me a very faint rainbow.

You can barely see the rainbow but it's there, I swear!

. . .

We had a brief stop at Gallup NM (sounds like gallop...like the thing horses do...) around 6:40am. It was a good stretch break and there was a mildly comical moment where someone got locked in the bathroom and was knocking quite furiously and shouting "Hey! Hello! Can someone let me out of here? I'm locked in the bathroom...I don't really wanna be stuck in here ))): " in a sad Texan drawl and I fetched one of the conductors to free him.

After that we were headed to Albuquerque, which was where my seatmate was heading. After I shared a yam with her and we made jokes about our shitty instant coffees (where she revealed she and her boyfriend used an expresso machine—very classy) she said she was visiting her family, she lived in Kington for college, she studied psych in undergrad at Northern Arizona University and felt very critical of contemporary usage of outdated psychological concepts and ideas (a lá Freud). Currently she is pursuing social work (also at NAU). It was a wonderful couple of hours of shooting the shit, I felt very comfortable prattling on and on with her, the conversations we had were very funny and I really enjoyed hearing about her perspectives on college and the psychological world. We exchanged Instagrams in the end so hopefully we can stay in touch!

We stopped in Albuquerque around 10:30am and were going to stay there for an hour, which meant it was a perfect time to clean up. After saying good bye to my seatmate I finally washed my face, brushes my teeth, put on deodorant before heading into the sun. I also took advantage of the lull and made a move to pull my luggage from that top shelf and place it somewhere lower and less tight. A lady had to assist me because I was struggling so much. I called her Wonder Woman and she thought it was funny.

When I stepped outside the train I was greeted with a blast of heat cuz man, I forgot how hot and dry it was in the Southwest. I have only been in Nevada and Arizona for a few hours but this reminded me of such. I paced around for about 30 minutes before I got too sweaty and went back in the train. I tried to say hello to a lady sitting at the station but after I declined her offer for a cigarette she (very politely, mind you) asked if I could please leave her alone and not talk to her, so I did.

A lot of people got on and off the train here, I noticed. There were many new faces. A girl close to my age was sitting across the row from me (more on her later) who had a cool jacket and black nail polish like me. A man sat behind me as well. Both discussed their destination being Kansas City because their Chicago train got cancelled, which lead to some confusion from me worrying if it meant I would be stuck in Missouri for two hours but apparently it does not, so whatever.

Anyways, I was approached by a lady who noticed my Pittsburgh Contemporary Poetry collection and asked if I liked Robert Kipling and Li Bai, and started talking about her interest in translations and classic chinese poetry. She (who I will dub Z) left me alone for an hour or so, which I read and wrote and kind of zoned out because New Mexico kind of all looks the same at a certain point and there wasn't really a lot of interesting things to look at. We got to Lamy NM and I barely recall anything about the stop.

Z came back later and talked at me very passionately about poetic translation—she knew how to read Classical Chinese and Cantonese, as well as Esperanto (which is a constructed international auxiliary language—it appeared to be her native language, and she had been attending an Esperanto conference in California, so she's been on the same train as me, and was going to get off at Kansas City). I was really intimidated by her immense knowledge and zeal of poetic language form beyond just meter and stressed syllables—she was interested in the syntax and word-level breakdown of sound and rhythm between translations of different poems in different forms across different languages. How can a poem's original meter be retained across languages? How can a poem's original form be retained across language, especially if that form was tailored to a specific language's sonic conventions? She produced for me some poems she had transcribed, one in Chinese and one in Esperanto, and read them to me with her own translation. She was also able to read the Chinese in some different dialects.

She shared with me work by a renowned Esperanto poet (there appears to be little translated work in that language) and expressed her interest in memorizing poetry as well. Z introduced me to linebyline.app as well as a method for memorizing poems by writing out the first letter of every word in the line. She demonstrated this method with this poem:

She practiced with the method over and over again and I quizzed her a bit until she got it in about 15 or so minutes. The only downside was that a lady yelled at her (and by extension me) for "offensive annoying gibberish" or whatever. I guess hearing the same poem over and over again is kind of annoying, but it wasn't the volume of the conversation but the contents—I guess this lady was a hardcore Christian or something. Hilarious when you consider how many unbothered Amish people we were sharing the car with!

Anyways. Z and I exchanged email and phone numbers so I am going to try to email her some things when I arrive in Chicago. It was raining when we pulled up to Las Vegas (which is not the same as the Las Vegas in Nevada), with some brief flashes of lightning. We got a few flood warnings or two.

This entire time I am observing the Amish couple sitting catty corner with me, because they have been using the flip phone an awful lot. I also noticed that the lady pieced together a salad on a paper plate with different components and a bag of Fritos. I wonder why the Amish are allowed the modern conveniences of plastic ziploc bags and crocs but not glass tupperware? Wouldn't that be more convenient for holding a salad? Just a stray thought.

Wasn't paying too much attention to the outdoors (saw so many cows and horses and deer frolicking in the fields though), was mostly reading and Googling random shit about Amish people. I started another poem which felt pretty good. I refilled my water bottle with the same stupid method.

. . . [To be continued in next post]

[fizzysound]

Sasuke is in a way, the hero of the series. Just maybe not from the ninja point of view. See, I was thinking and I realised, throughout the series we almost only ever see opinions about Sasuke from a ninja perspective.

For the regular people out there, Sasuke is a hero. By killing Orochimaru, he saved the lives of thousands of people across the continent. Slaves and prisoners, human experimentation victims, brainwashed child soldiers, all the kids who were kidnapped for their interesting abilities, and all the ninja working under him as the Sound Village. Orochimaru, in the anime at least, had essentially overthrown the leader of a small country and placed himself in charge. By killing him, Sasuke freed thousands from death, experimentation or simply a life lived in fear.

With Orochimaru's death all these people were free to return to their homes and communities or travel somewhere new. And as they moved on from all the different bases scattered around the elemental nations, these people would be spreading the story of how Uchiha Sasuke, who's still only a child, was the one to kill Orochimaru. That Sasuke, at only sixteen, was the one to save them from the madman terrorising their communities and country for years. While Konoha, who should have been responsible, did nothing. We even see Suigetsu encouraging the freed prisoners to spread the word “I have one favour to ask” “The one who defeated Orochimaru and gave us our freedom is Sasuke. When you're out, spread the word to everyone... A man has appeared who will bring peace and tranquility to this world”

Time and again, shinobi villages and their wars have destroyed the lives and homes of the civilians living in those areas, like we see in Rain. To these people Sasuke isn't a traitor or evil or lost to the darkness or whatever it is that the leaf people believe. He's a fellow victim of a shinobi system that does not care about the people who it hurts. His entire clan was massacred within the walls of the village and yet Konoha does not even bother to bring their killer to justice. Once he was outside their walls he was someone else's problem. Konoha failed Sasuke and the Uchiha and so Sasuke, despite still being a child, stepped up to do it himself.

And he did. Sasuke went above and beyond and as a teenager did what Konoha were seemingly incapable of (or just couldn't be bothered to do). Sasuke went against the ninja rules, left his fascist village, killed Orochimaru, got justice for his clan, killed the war hawk Danzo. He helped save the entire world. And throughout the entire thing he didn't kill a single civilian or child.

He's consistently shown that he values the lives of people above following the shinobi system. From most civilians point of view, Sasuke fights for the regular people of the world. And he's been doing so all along. Throughout his time with Orochimaru, Sasuke goes out of his way to avoid killing. The only person he is known to have killed in that entire time is Orochimaru himself. That sort of thing is going to be remembered.

Danzo, while few know the true extent of his crimes, is a known warmonger. He has a reputation as a heavily militaristic man and has been on Konoha's Council since the second shinobi war. He clearly spells bad news for the people who would be hit the worst by the effects of war. And again, Sasuke goes against the system and kills a man who has not only ruined thousands of lives already, but had just been put in a position to do even more damage.

Sasuke is literally known as one of the two people to have essentially saved the world! Naruto may be the hero of the shinobi world but Sasuke's the hero of everyone else.