#It's OK its only 2.5 years of my life spent thinking about them

[ruthiesrambles2]

☕ melruth. Take your time, bestie

Oh no the literature graduate saw two characters of the same sex share a meaningful and emotional connection and declared it homoerotic again

It's me I'm the lit grad

[synnthamonsugar]

Savathun's Trip to the Last City

Now that we have a clearer picture of what’s going on with Savathun I decided to compile the last year’s worth of her POV lore pieces together.

This is super long, and has spoilers for Path of the Splicer VI / Beneath the Endless Night VII, so I’m putting it under a cut.

Credit to @xivuuarath for reading through this and adding some of their ideas! We talked about more beyond what’s posted here, but this is getting long, so maybe that would be better saved for a part two.

1. Traveler's Chosen (Season of Arrivals)

This piece is told from the POV of a narrator viewing the events through an "ossific den". Based on later lore pieces, I'm certain the narrator is Savathun. Given that ahamkara bones have been compromised by her, and that Shaxx has an ahamkara skull slung up in his station, it’s safe to assume this is Sav’s vantage point.

That said, I don't believe Savathun is observing Shaxx, but rather Zavala, struggling in the wake of the Darkness' encroachment on the system and his colleagues' refusals to evacuate to safety. She seems pleased to find Zavala in a desperate state, and watches as he has a silent conversation with the Traveler. Of note is that she's waiting for it to respond.

He waits for a response and I do as well, tense, curious. [ . . . ] It is no time at all for me, but for him, the hours creep by in silence.

I am ready to choke the voice of his Traveler if it answers him, but there is nothing.

2. Harbinger Mission (Season of the Hunt)

Thank you to @xivuuarath​ for pointing this out since I didn’t include it the first time around. During the Harbinger mission Savathun’s forces are attempting to secure a Shard of the Traveler in the EDZ. Of note is that they aren’t trying to destroy it, but rather siphon the Light from it.

Given that the Shard of the Traveler is what allowed our Guardian to jumpstart their Light when they lost it during the Red War, and is what allowed Uldren Sov to break into the Dreaming City during the events of Forsaken, we can assume it’s useful to lightbearers and mortals alike. Make note of this, because it becomes potentially relevant later on.

2.5. Hawkmoon (Season of the Hunt)

From an unknown vantage point, Savathun watches The Guardian and Crow celebrate their defeat of her Taken at the Shard of the Traveler. Unlike Zavala, she can find no weak points in Crow or the Guardian, only happiness. This awakens something in her.

What is this feeling? I did not ask for it. I do not understand it. I do not want it.

Which gets repeated throughout the lore piece. This is our first glimpse of Savathun having feelings that don't fall into the range of "malevolence" or "plotting". She yearns for her youth with her siblings and the warmth of her old life, and feels burgeoning regret for the people she betrayed.

There is a growing kinship here. Against better judgment.

This is ambiguous enough to be a comment on Crow’s and The Guardian’s relationship, or herself and The Guardian and/or Crow. She's called us her friend before but this might be the first time she's actually had friendly feelings for us.

3. Books of Sorrow: New Verse (Season of the Hunt)

This hasn't actually been posted on Ishtar Collective and I'm too lazy to track down a transcript online, so pardon the source. There's a lot to unpack here.

I walk in a city made of delicate hopes.

Savathun has moved beyond occupying ahamkara bones and is actually physically present.

I hear my name everywhere. [. . .] The sound is nourishment.

Imbaru machine on-line?

I am more than I ever was, and less than I will ever be.

Make note of this line.

I am many and none. I'm a man who sits alone in a cavernous office counting my failures. I'm a woman looking at a silent god. I'm a lost soul on a cold moon. I'm a broken mirror of a man who tries to steer the ship.

Comparing (?) herself to Zavala, Ikora, Eris, and back to Zavala again?

I'm a familiar stranger, flitting between them all, hiding my face.

Again, I think she's speaking literally here.

The people here are small krill dwarfed by the enormity of oblivion.

A neat little comparison of humanity with the krill, who we established in her last appearance she's beginning to feel regret for.

4. Retrofuturist (Season of the Chosen)

Savathun watches a Crucible match, and judges Guardians for being reckless with the gift of immortality. The tone of this piece reinforces the idea she is actually out and about in a corporeal form.

I'm mostly interested in her perspective on Ghosts here. She calls them "A perfect being", and describes their ability to revive the dead as miraculous. She isn't happy that the spectators don't appreciate the gravity of this. Weird sentiment for a hive but ok.

I look up into the blank white face. I feel its Light on my cheeks. It no longer burns me.

The Hive are repelled by the Light. Savathun has grown to tolerate it. Something has changed in her metaphysical composition.

@xivuuarath​ made the excellent observation that she might have been at least partially successful in the Harbinger mission - that she may have secured enough Light to build up an immunity, allowing her to be physically present in the City without being hurt by the Traveler.

Each revival is a choice. I know what to do.

Tuck this away for a moment.

5. Beneath the Endless Night: VII - Ripe (Season of the Splicer)

Okay this whole page is insane so excuse the massive infodump here.

I walk through the City on broken legs. I am conspicuous, but the people here grant me many affordances. I chose this form well.

Confirmation that our girl is actually bumping about in a human-form.

I open my eyes and search the faces of the people around me for familiarity. I did not mean to. I twist inwardly with disgust.

She's sympathizing with the humans of the City. She does not like this, but she is!

When they first reached for me, I reached back in acid mockery, and they opened themselves to me in stupid, naked innocence. I was giddy. My fingers raked their minds. I forced my will through them using only words and met no resistance.

Now I reach as often as they do, and when they reach back, I am thankful. I speak with them. I seek their company. Their companionship.

In case it wasn’t obvious already, Savathun has been running a psy-op on the residents of the Last City, which may explain some of the particularly erratic and troubling behavior from individuals / groups this season.

However the interesting thing is, while Sav used her powers of suggestion to manipulate, the humans unknowingly manipulated her in return. Not through any magic - simply through their kindness.

Savathun is doing more than observing the people of the Last City, she is living with them, getting to know them. Savathun is making friends and it’s literally changing her.

This is not pity, for I know pity. What is this—

A call back to the Hawkmoon lore with her trying to make sense of budding positive feelings.

I clench the gangling black mass that threatens to unspool recklessly from within this shell of flesh. My new arms are too thin, too weak. My new shell still bound with thick mucus. Not yet, I say.

I suspect that the “new shell” she talks about here is not her human-form, but rather something else growing inside it.

A man places his hands on me, on my shoulders, on my back. He asks if I am ill, and he sees my flat eyes, my teeth black with ripeness, and he prepares to scream. I let him keep his mind. I push breath up and through my ruined mouth and speak a simple lie. He stops, smiles, laughs. Shakes his head. He points a finger at me in mocking admonishment before walking away.

A few things to unpack here.

Savathun is physically deteriorating... badly. @xivuuarath pointed out that the body horror of this particular scene mirrors the Emissary’s description of a world with no darkness and creatures that are incapable of death even as they physically fall apart, and if you follow that line of thinking you may infer that she’s forcing herself to live through light alone.

She's approachable enough that some rando would see her in trouble and want to help her, reinforcing the point that she's been wandering about the City and vibing with its residents.

She could have done worse to the good samaritan but chooses not to. She does her mind trick and lets him go about his business. She’s showing mercy... which is something we know the hive absolutely must not do at the risk of being consumed by their worm.

Even here, basted in deception both ample and rich, the Worm cries ravenously. It has grown grotesque, skin taut, overfed, and still it howls for more. It commands me to keep it alive.

I look up, beyond the flickering net of darkness, and see what rests just beyond. Waiting for me. The Worm roars.

NOT DISCONCERTINGLY AMBIGUOUS AT ALL that we don't know if the worm is roaring in terror, pleading or triumph.

TL;DR of what I think is going on.

Savathun came to the City to destabilize it through manipulation, but could not be physically present until she hardened herself to the Light. Camouflaging herself in a human form, she spent time with the residents of the City, and found herself manipulated in return by their kindness. She's resisting the positive emotions, but they're there, which is something we've never seen between hive and humans before. You can't have a crisis of conscience if you don't have a conscience, and Savathun does.

I think Savathun is trying to shed her current form and be reborn in some capacity. I think she's going to try to use the Light to rid herself of the Worm and bootstrap herself into something new. If you'd asked me before reading this lore, I would have insisted that she wanted to become a thought-entity, but the cocoon-like imagery makes me second-guess this assumption.

There are outstanding questions at this point.

Why did she want to prevent Eris and/or The Guardian from communicating with the Darkness in Season of Arrivals? Is there a purpose to the Endless Night beyond eroding willpower and sowing division? Is she trying to save only herself, or attempt to undo the millennia-old injustice she inflicted on her people?

[irelise]

Fic “Behind the Scenes” - Alex Rider

Trying to dip my toes back into writing, so I thought I’d ramble about some fics I’ve already written! This started off as ranting about my title choice and how they’re usually Final Fantasy XIV songs I butcher in order to forcibly fit the fic, but it expanded into musings about things that didn’t make the cut into the final fic, and potential sequels/things that happen down the line.

Just doing Alex Rider fics for now since that’s my current active fandom, but drop me an ask if there are any fics you’re especially interested in from any fandom!

Starting off with: Time (2368 words, gen, Alex & Yassen focused) aka my untagged Inception-flavoured AU where the plot twist was that it was a dream all along That said, this title was probably one of the easiest to come up with and was obviously from the main theme of Inception, Time! Which is fantastic like the whole movie aaaa i love Inception AUs and this fic is probably the one I’m most likely to expand into longfic if I dredge up the motivation from somewhere. It would be a mission style fic, possibly a heist, where Alex and Yassen are seemingly working together in order to steal some valuable intel from another group. Of course, it’s all a dream! Through copious dream symbolism and mind fuckery the real mission was set up by MI6 for Alex to extract intel from Yassen, who by this point is steadily losing his grip on dreams and reality after months, possibly years, spent under sedation.

Yassen has a few tricks up his sleeve, though. He’s aware that he’s (probably) dreaming and he can see the fractures in Alex’s resolve after such a long time of being used and manipulated by MI6. It would only take a little nudge to get Alex to defect -- or, at the very least, to escape.

So while Alex is busy trying to extract information from Yassen, Yassen is trying to do the opposite: inception.

The rest below cut for length and also because they’re nsfw since most of my writing was for the kink meme! Warning for general fucked-upness and unhealthy relationships

at the end, on a dusty road  (8154 words, Yassen/Alex) aka the reputation sabotage fic, aka where’s part 3b?!

Title from Origa’s Polyushka Polye:

The wind scatters your brave songs Across the green field. Songs of the past, Leaving them alone with your glory, And right at the end, on a dusty road…

i just wanted something wistful and Russian about past soldiers and fading glory ok....... I came pretty close to titling the fic leaving them alone with your past glory but decided it didn’t make much sense out of context.

ANYWAY my first Yalex fic! Very much inspired by a hodgepodge of comments on Discord about how MI6 would react if they ever saw Yassen paying Alex visits in the middle of the night - “Could they be exchanging information?” “The whole night? Maybe the answer is something more obvious...”

ANYWAY the ending at the moment is pretty open - there’s two main ways I see it going:

1) Yassen comes back shortly afterwards, realises he had fucked up colossally, stays and helps Alex rebuild even though Alex (very justifiably) no longer trusts him. Very slow reconciliation and healing but ultimately happy ending.

2) aka the one where I broke Nanibun’s shipper heart over Discord: Alex and Yassen eventually reunite, but it isn’t until years later, when Alex is nearing middle age and Yassen has faded into obscurity. Alex managed to pick up the pieces of his life and even moved on properly from MI6, and now lives a fulfilling life. Married, 2.5 kids, white picket fence, the whole lot. So what if his marriage is more for partnership than for love? He’s content with the direction his life had taken and has strong ties to his community. He even managed to forgive Yassen, even though it took him a long time.

He and Yassen meet for the last time in a sunlit cafe in spring. Alex looks at Yassen and sees only a stranger with lines crinkling under his eyes.Yassen is getting old, he realizes. He thinks he should be happy that Yassen even had the chance to get old, but all he feels is relief that their paths had diverged. Alex is done with that life and he can never trust Yassen again. All that old passion had burned away to nothing, not even a flickering flame. Even though the initial parting had been painful, Alex had managed to find peace long ago, and he hopes Yassen will be able to do the same. But it's a distant, unemotional hope, the sort of hope you'd have for a distant acquaintance you haven't seen in years. The type of well wishes that are etiquette more than actual sentiment.

He's glad when their drinks are finished and Yassen melts away into the chattering springtime crowd, one final dangling chapter of his life closed at last.

.

...............or, 3) Alex throws himself into increasingly dangerous situations in an attempt to feel something and dies young.

(part 3b is coming someday i swear! it’s the alternate path where Yassen has second thoughts, tells Alex the truth, and doesn’t send the sex tape to MI6)

---

Lemniscate  (3562 words, Julia Rothman/Yassen) Not a whole lot to say about this one, except after I finished I realised it was really similar to another fic I previously wrote which also involved a young man desperate to reinvent himself completely being taken advantage of by his superior............ i have a Type

Title - I was jamming out to Locus while writing this which is a song all about an inability to escape from cycles - When fighting back right out of this system/Means falling back right into this space ; When falling back is better than simply/Falling back into pieces again  - but it was long and unwieldy so I thought about shortening it to Moebius but that was a bit overdone... In the end I settled with Lemniscate which is also an infinity symbol, Moebius-like shape. Mostly it’s a reference to how Yassen never quite breaks free of his “cycle” even though he’s with Scorpia now - he was Sharkovsky’s slave and bedwarmer and...now he plays basically the same role for Julia Rothman. (Just with a bit more murder and moral erosion!)

---

This probably needs a special content warning - major character death (gun suicide from the second Russian roulette scene), gore, necrophilia

closing the circle (3650 words, John Rider & Yassen) aka is it still a gen fic if there’s offscreen necrophilia?

This was originally written for a kink meme prompt for corpse mutilation + necrophilia but then the John and Yassen plot thread kind of took over and I never actually ended up writing the gory stuff oops since it was too out of place compared to the rest. So everything below can be considered not “canon” since the fic diverged so heavily from its original plan (which is why the section numbers skip around - I cut out Yassen’s bits). But if you’re curious, here’s the details for what I originally planned to happen to Yassen (well, his corpse) and the Sharkovsky family, copy-pasted straight from my notes and full of as much karma as I could stuff in:

Yassen’s death, Sharkovsky shoves his fingers in the bullet hole and spits on the body in disgust. Yassen regains consciousness halfway through this; he can feel what Sharkovsky is doing

Ivan comes running in, attracted by the sound of the gunshot. Sharkovsky tells him to do what he likes with the body as long as it’s disposed of in the end. Necrophilia scene? Afterwards Ivan disposes of the body by locking it in the cellar alone with the Dalmatian for a few days

Yassen starts getting his revenge. Ivan is the first to go when he comes to let the Dalmatian out – the Dalmatian savages him and tears out his throat before it’s finally shot. Yassen’s bones get buried along with the Dalmatian. Ivan’s body is kept in the cold storage room in the basement where they kept the old food taster’s body while they decide what to do with him.

Maya, Sharkovsky’s wife, is next. She passes away in the middle of the night. Sharkovsky wakes up next to a cooling corpse.

There are whispers that there is some sort of curse. One of the maids talk about finding blood on the carpet of Sharkovsky’s study. She’s the next to disappear. Some other workers stop turning up.

Finally it’s Sharkovsky’s turn. He dies of poison. The dacha burns down that same night.

A Scorpia agent was sent to tie up loose ends (Scorpia didn’t know Sharkovsky is already dead); Yassen kills him too. He has no loyalty to Scorpia and just wants to be left alone.

Hunter is sent to investigate. He and Yassen talk, in the end, Hunter invites Yassen to come with him, Yassen agrees. But when they leave the dacha and Hunter looks back, he finds that Yassen is gone.

And an excerpt:

Yassen is dead. He does not remember dying. There are some things the human mind tries to shield itself from, and the memory of a bullet traveling through bone and brain to erupt on the other side in a shower of gore is one of those things.

Yassen is dead. He had hoped death would mean oblivion. At his most naïve and optimistic, he had hoped death would mean reunion. Happiness. A return to simpler days.

He discovers, instead, that death is not so different from life, except he is even more powerless now than before.

There is a body on the floor of Sharkovsky’s study. Its hair had once been pale white-blond, but now it is matted with coagulating blood. That same blood spreads in a dark pool against the carpet, clotting the fibres together into ugly clumps, stiff and flaking. The fire in the hearth is still burning sullenly. Its light glistens against the grotesque strands of viscera splattered against the ground, the furniture, the wall. A round hole had been punched into the side of the corpse’s head, piercing bone and brain. That was how the man who had once been Yassen Gregorovich had killed himself. The fingers of the corpse remain loosely curled around the old-fashioned revolver that had been the instrument of death.

The only living person in the room rises slowly from his wheelchair. Sharkovsky’s skeletal face is twisted into an ugly grimace of anger. He totters over to the corpse, nudging it with the tip of one polished leather shoe. “Waste of time,” he says coldly. ��Ruining a perfectly good carpet, and for what?”

In a sudden fit of temper, he lashes out with a kick. Once, it would have been strong enough to break several ribs (Yassen knows from intimate experience). Now, the corpse merely flops limply to one side. It incenses Sharkovsky further. He drops heavily to his knees, breathing harshly, and backhands the corpse across the face with one shaking hand.

[soaringsearingphoenix]

Top 5 bugs!

Bugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Uhhhhhhgdhagfkfh ALL of them? I really love bugs but, okay, gotta say most of my favorites are gonna be hymenoptera, so like, bees, wasps, ants. Here's a handful that I like

1. Blue carpenter bee, xylocopa caerulea. I mean, it's my icon on this account right now. Honestly there is not a lot of research on this guy, or not that's available, but it's native to southeast Asia and its BLUE. So cool.

2. Hunt's bumblebee, bombus huntii. I met some of these friends when i was in Arizona, very pretty, very opinionated. One of the first bees i learned about and THEN identified in the wild. I walked up to a flowering tree, fragrant in the warm sunlight of early evening, where they and some other bumblebees were landing and just observed them for a while. They would occasionally decide i was getting too close (and i mean, i was right up against the tree) and zip past my face, wavering there sometimes, clearly telling me to back off. So i did... and then gently approached again, slower. I got some good pictures but i've gotten a new phone since then and didn't transfer them all over.

2.5 Side note, just assume all bees are up here. And also that i appreciate honeybees in a different way than I appreciate native and generally solitary bees.

3. Ants that grow fungus, and really any ants with a sense of agriculture, like the ones that herd aphids. Also ants that create "Devil's Gardens" in the Amazon, those little monoculture patches of forest that are like the ants' version of a big city. I don't know all their names by heart but i get so excited about ant technology and culture, the sort of ideal demonstration of emergent behaviors that they represent. I could spend a whole hours-long road trip just talking about ants, mostly parroting from youtube videos (and i have spent parts of drives talking about them but my mom's attention span for a fascinating-topic-but-not-her-field-of-interest is about the length of a ted talk or podcast episode, which is to say, significantly less than an hour.) I am just so proud of ants. They've accomplished so much.

4. Wasps have really grown on me in the past year. I don't know what species it is that I have been pulling out of my birdbath, but they have really helped me get over my fear and prejudice for wasps. I've only ever been stung by a wasp once in my life and it was because i'd accidentally carried it on my shirt into a math classroom where i was going to talk to the teacher because i thought i had failed the class so that was neither of our best moment. Anyways, specifically the two most prevalent species in my backyard take this slot, but like the ants this is as much a category as a specification. I also have a soft spot for tiny specialized parisitic wasps, as their recent discovery is part of the reason scientists now think hymenoptera species may rival or even outnumber beetle species so like. Go team?

5. Orchid mantises. Mantises are such chill dudes a lot of the time. Everyone wants to talk about the cannibalism, and it's like, calm down, a lot of species do that. Octopodes, lots of species of spiders, it's pretty common for more solitary species. I mean if you want someone to carry your kids the least you can do is give them a meal, it takes a lot of energy to bring new life into being. Anyways I love orchid mantises specifically because they are bright pink and they stand like they mean business. They're like the ballerinas of the insect world. They're poised, they're ornate, and they WILL kick your ass without breaking a sweat. Which is honestly goals. If i am observed and considered beautiful, I want it to be in an intimidating and vaguely unsettling way.

Honorable mentions:

-hoverflies. These little guys look like bees kind of if you don't know what you're looking for, and they tend to hang out in the same spots, and i respect their contribution to pollinating. Underappreciated friends.

-dragonflies also. Y'all test my patience, being fast and hard to photograph. Like your friend who brags about being hard to take candid photos of. Their flight control is a marvel of physics. I know little else about dragonflies

-butterflies and specifically painted lady butterflies because they migrate through here, so the first butterfly migration i ever saw was right over my elementary school

-ladybugs. There are so many kinds. We had a book on them when i was little, which had these transparent pages that would like overlay the pictures on the pages on either side, it was really cool. I used to catch them on the playground, just to hold them. They have a really distinct smell and when i tell people that it feels like no one knows what im talking about. Their larvae kept crawling on me in the park recently i do not know why but they were incredibly persistent about it

-crickets and grasshoppers. There were a lot of these guys in arizona too. Sorry i was such a menace. I didnt mean to startle you i swear

-stick bugs. Once again, saw these in Arizona, for the first time in the wild in person. I held one and it was absolutely magical.

Ok now i am just listing bugs i know. But i love them all!!! Anyways this list is constantly changing but that's it for now!

[popliar]

Ateez in Seoul, 8 and 9 February 2020

Olympic Hall at Olympic Park

No one will believe this but I actually had my holiday with @flywithturtles planned before I knew the dates coincided with Ateez's Seoul concert dates. But it's true! I have the WhatsApp conversations to prove it!! Anyway I secured the tickets and all was well.

This is the first concert I've been to where they were handing out masks, making sure everyone had hand sanitizer and checking temperatures as you entered. Haha. Well they also checked our temperature going into the Line Friends store that day so, that's corona virus life. I was actually really worried the concerts would be cancelled, given so many other events have been, so it was a relief that it went ahead.

Structurally this is the same as the show I saw in August last year, after Wave/Illusion: starting hard with pirates, a lighter middle section, and a mythology-heavy last third. And then the encore which went for ages.

What's great to see is that the gaps and pacing downsides of the previous year have been corrected and improved. The pacing has been tightened up, the banter and ments flow much more smoothly and the show just feels very professional and well run.

Here's my post about last year's show: https://popliar.tumblr.com/post/187095347758/ateez-in-sydney-11-aug-2019

It's a shock to realise they've only been around one year four months but they were able to fill out a full 2.5 hour set, every song solid. And KQ spent proper money on this, the production was good - it's not like LAVISH but there were good stages and fancy screens and new VCRs and plenty of back up dancers, and it all worked well. There were maybe too many fireworks on the first night (I hate it when it obstructs the choreo) but they'd adjusted well on the second night.

Surprising but welcome - they had English subs for some of the ments. I don't think they were "live" subs because sometimes they'd get ahead of what the members were saying. But it was helpful. Even without them, body language and tone says a lot. Though I'm regretful that I don't understand Seonghwa's acrostic poems or all of their stupid jokes lol.

The show is called Fellowship and they leaned into it hard, asking Atiny to be part of their shared journey and to stick with them forever. It's a familiar refrain from other shows, but each time I find it both surprising and effective - this very overt, explicitly stated entreaty to be a fan, to enter into this imagined relationship, the appeal to reciprocity. "We've made you happy, make us happy too, be with us and we'll be with you."

But you can know a thing and it can still be effective. I did love the shows. I want them to be happy too!

A list of observations and random things:

Spoilers follow, I'd put it behind a cut but I can't figure out how on mobile haha

OK REALLY SPOILERS NOW

-first VCR to open the show expanded on the Treasure theme.

-Desire opens with blindfold choreo. Was this a gift for me? THANK U.

-for Lights, they had cute moments where they held up little speech bubbles over each others heads. They paired up with Hongjoong and Mingi, San and Wooyoung, Seonghwa and Yunho, and Yeosang and Jongho. Both nights, Woosan held hands. On the second night Yunho held Seonghwa's hand and Seonghwa was like a shy maiden. Mingi and Hongjoong had very strong flirty energy. Yeosang and Jongho are cute.

-the VCR in between part 1 pirates and part 2 fun boys showed what felt like a series of different dimensions? An ocean, a mountain, fields of flowers, cosmic surrealism, etc. As though each of them was alone somewhere in time and space.

-During If without you, they threw out balls to the crowd as gifts (mini riots ensued). Mingi put the empty basket on his head both nights, what a beautiful fool.

-Night 1 was the first time with the light stick! Hongjoong announced its official name: Lightiny (light of destiny) but also Tinybong lololol. The light stick is super pretty. I was tempted but didn't have time the first night. The second night it was sold out when I arrived!!!

-The VCR in between parts 2 and 3 is the really intriguing one. It paired them up into the Lights pairs again. Yeosang and Jongho searched for each other in a hall of billowing drapes. Mingi and Hongjoong were rockstars (with great lipstick). San and Wooyoung were mirrorverse versions of each other. Yunho and Seonghwa put together the pieces of a puzzle in a set that reminded me of both Treasure and Wonderland.

-In the intro to Say My Name on the first night, Hongjoong went halfway down the stairs then turned around, went back and grabbed his mic, then went down again lol. The second night he very firmly took his mic before descending the stairs lol.

-The final VCR before the encore showed them uncovering items on pedestals as though in a museum: a camera, a gramophone, a painting, a book of poetry by Yeats... Then they all created a painting together. When viewed through a red screen (like the puzzles in their albums) the pattern revealed a compass. They then all showed their wrists to reveal each had a compass tattoo.... WHAT IS THIS OT8 SOULMARK FIC!!!!!

-They said they had planned for every audience member to have this compass stamp (the Fellowship again) but it was cancelled due to health concerns. But we could see it with our true eyes, right???? On the second night, the 99s swarmed Seonghwa at this point to try to look down his shirt. I see. I see. (Later on Hongjoong also tried to peek into Mingi's shirt also fine just fine.)

-Early in the show Hongjoong said there would be clues through the show about the next steps in their concept/narrative. The hourglass and compass were very recurrent but these are not new. Hmm. I wonder.

-In one ment on night 1, Jongho spoke to all his hyungs informally and it was HILARIOUS. He did something similar on the second night, patting Yunho on the head and pinching Wooyoung's chin etc.

-During Star 1117 on the first night, Hongjoong and San started crying. Then in the following ment, they and Yunho and Wooyoung were crying, and Seonghwa and Jongho were teary. Yunho cried so hard (missing his grandfather!) that during Hongjoong's ment, Mingi quietly went over and gave him a towel. There were like five members in between that he passed to give him the towel, it was so sweet I'll cry. Night 2 felt more joyful and upbeat.

-Some ppl really left way too early like before the encore. The encore is half an hour long omg! You missed out on so many songs!!!!!

-On night 1 between main set and encore the crowd didn't quite know what to do. Huge kudos to the fans who led some cheers otherwise it would have been so quiet. Second night was better and also they kept the light sticks on while we were waiting which added to the atmosphere.

-They didn't sell a couple of sections in the hall at all, they were curtained off. It's interesting to think BTS had their first Muster here at around the same point in their careers. Like BTS, Ateez too are more popular globally than at home. They were beaten quite handily in voting on music shows by SF9 this comeback, who are more popular at home than internationally.

-It is great being in a huge fandom like BTS but also you know this is actually a great time to stan a group like Ateez. They're big enough to be exciting and have good shows, they are interesting and still developing, they're still playing intimate venues... They're good!!!!!

-A few of them had fake neck tattoos. San helpfully labeled himself "San" on the second night lol.

-Hongjoong briefly went off stage during sunrise On night 2. Hopefully just a technical issue.

-Treasure and Precious choreo start and end in the same place, echoing their musical connection.

-They had different encore outfits for Answer each night, before changing into hoodies. On night 2, Yeosang saw some of the others had scarves/banners tucked into their back pockets and was like "where's mine????" Instead of a banner, Yunho had a baseball cap. Seonghwa took his off and Hongjoong tied it around Seonghwa's wrist.

-For Star 1117, everyone held up their mobile phone lights. On night 2, San repeated the request in English too. Very pretty to see all the lights.

-On second night, Seonghwa and San got their mics and necklace tangled up during a ment lol.

Setlist:

(Intro)

Win

Horizon

Pirate King

(Introduction ment)

Medley: Twilight, Stay, My Way

Light

Mist

Desire

(VCR)

Illusion

Crescent

Wave

Sunrise

(Ment, lightstick announcement)

If without you

Aurora

Utopia

(VCR)

Say My Name

Dazzling Light

Hala Hala

Treasure

Precious

Wonderland

--

Encore:

(VCR)

Answer

(Ment)

Thank u

Star 1117

(Ment)

Promise

Dancing like butterfly wings

Setlist from: https://twitter.com/updateez/status/1226112679728812032?s=19

[iatheia]

Der Tod Comparison, part 2

Continuation from the Part 1

These are just my own personal initial impressions of each actor playing this role and their interpretation.

At this point, it is almost all of them, no matter how obscure. Counting together with part 1, there are 48 in total. There are a few others that are missing from this list, but try as I might, I was unable find any recordings of them. If anyone knows of any footage with any other Tods, and would be willing to help me find it, I would be forever in your debt. Also, Toho, please release recording with Furukawa, this is killing me.

Masaaki Uchino - an eldritch abomination, somehow masquerading in a human form. Lots of poorly hidden tentacles. The angels are not merely creatures under his control, they are part of him.

Takeda Shinji - He is a pan who is just down to fuck. A magnificent and fabulous diva, and don’t you forget it. Life? Death? He doesn’t care about anything like that. He only cares about his (massive) dick. (Ok, no, he is very good, just, seriously, his posture in every scene he is in)

Tamaki Ryo - took me a while to get a hang of this Tod or to warm up to him, because the portrayal is fairly stoic (and the wig looks like like someone tripped and spilled radioactive paint on it, several times), but this is a collector of souls. Someone who may not necessarily care all that much about the person he is collecting in principle, but the need to have them is paramount, and for that precious second that is spent wanting and trying to acquire them, they are the most precious thing in the universe.

Thomas Borchert - video is of terrible quality, but I guess the closest thing would be a vampire. Mostly indifferent, but occasionally rather campy, with a peculiar oral fixation.

Paul Kribbe - The single least romantinc portrayal, not even a pretense of care, not even as a means to an end. This is a malicious scepter that is hanging over the imperial family specifically and nothing but.

Felix Martin - Another one of the more of the less personal Tods. Very few emotions, either positive or negative, just a minor annoyance. Nor is he quite as ephemeral as Uwe, for example. Keeps modulating the key, not sure I like that.

Jesper Tyden - So very gentle. Sincere in his offers of peace, of absolution to those who are his kindred souls, they are his precious companions and he wants only the best for them. So gentle.

Steven Seale - has rather angelic voice. Wants to be kind (to those that are worth his time), but because he is like a spring under tension, it is rather difficult for him to do.

Olegg Vynnyk - Manipulative bastard. He is pulling strings behind the scenes, every once in a while content with toying around with them in person, but this world is of his own design, everything unfolding exactly as he wishes.

Oliver Arno - He is tired, so very very tired. He loves humans, almost desperately, but how many times has he been through this? Unable to break this vicious cycle, he is in the hell of his own making, yearning, begging, but fundamentally knowing that all his efforts would be for naught.

Martin Markert - Master manipulator. Doesn’t care about anyone, moreso, holds them in contempt, they bore him, they are all just pawns to him. How overjoyed he is at setting them on the path of ruin that they cannot see yet - he is there only for the entertainment factor and nothing else.

Christoph Aphelbeck - Edward from Twilight, there watching you sleep. (Need to find a full version of this)

Mester Tamas - A natural showman. He is used to everyone hanging on his every word, on his every whim being satisfied by hordes of excited followers. Doesn’t quite get it why anyone wouldn’t want to be with him. Utterly uninvolved in anyone’s life, just passing by, but happy to get the credit and the blame. Constantly drunk.

Nemeth Attila - Um. Within 0.2 seconds of meeting Sisi, he imagined to himself an idyllic future with exactly 2.5 kids and a dog, and the moment reality started deviating from that perfect plan, he vowed vengeance onto her, setting out to systematically ruin her life and kill her kids. Creepiness factor is off the chart, and really makes me feel for Elisabeth in a way I haven’t really before. The most amazing thing about it is that somehow this portrayal is not more common.

Dolhai Attila - Terrifying. Grim reaper in the truest sense - just give him a scythe and a hood, and he is pretty much all the way there. Overdoing it a bit, though, there is nothing even remotely subtle about him.

Stanley Burleson - very tactile, the number of times he initiated physical contacts is rather on the high end for other Tods. Very quick to alternate between gentle and caring, and a controlling bastard. Kind of bad at his job.

Addo Kruinzinga - A spirit of death? No, this is a spirit of a cat. You are comfortable to lie on, so you’d best accept the full weight of this animal on your solar plexus, causing you excruciating pain. He’d bring you dead mice and dead leaves, looking at you incomprehensibly when you scold him, and pushes that vase on the floor without breaking the eye contact. 

Ryu Jung Han - Very terrible quality of the recording, so hard to say, but he didn’t seem to be particularly romantic or gentle to anyone. More like he wanted to use Elisabeth and Rudolf, but not sure for what.

Jeon Dong-seok - A lonely ghost that was was chained to the empire to do its bidding, and grows more and more vengeful over time. He gains strength to start breaking the chains, even though in order to do so, he has to do some things he wishes he didn’t have to. Unnecessarily pretty.

Aran Kei - One of a horde, one of many. She speaks for the angels, and acts on their behalf, their will, their connection to the world personified. 

Yumeki Noa - Gentle and caring, almost doting on those she set her sights upon. Very invested in their demise, but wants to make sure they are comfortable in the process, like smothering them with a pillow.

Ranju Tomu - he has Seen Things. Empires come and go, he had a personal hand in destroying many of them, and getting into gear to crumble another one. Sometimes he wishes he didn’t have to, but that’s his job, after all. The best he can do is to destroy it for Sisi, condemning everyone’s soul but hers.

Aoki Izumi - Some people just want to watch the world burn, assuming there are matches you can find to play with (I know the full video of this production exists somewhere, but it’s been years since anyone who has it that I came across has been active - send help)

Yuzuka Rei - A sadistic bastard who thinks he is owned the world. Not quite as completely self absorbed as a few others, but pretty high up there.

Rukaze Hikaru - A gentle giant, lurking in the shadows, afraid of everything, barely aware of his own strength. Wants to find someone to share his toys with, gets a big boost in self confidence once he realizes that he is not the most messed up person in this play.

Alexandra Mikhaylovskaya - A powerful, vengeful god. Fate incarnate. Not a very charismatic or seductive portrayal, but certainly one of the more breathtaking ones.

Elena Sivkova - The tiniest angel of the night who just inherited the keys to the underworld. Quite lovely, and could certainly grow to rule it with the iron fist later on, but so far she is just learning the ropes.

Shanghai Institute of Visual Arts student (cannot find her name) - A very benevolent entity, a perfect gentleman. Distantly reminds me of Saeko, just not quite as dramatic, more self-composed.

Chuhun drama club student (ditto) - Less of a supernatural entity and more of a pop idol. Not particularly interested in the affairs of those around them, but involved in everything primarily because it’d look good for their image, and out of misplaced sense of ownership.

[nyruratchet]

Time...

“...Why you punish me?”

So, I explained last time the situation regarding the creation of my music...monetarily. But let me explain and expand on how my time is utilized on a monthly basis.

If I haven’t made it clear, I hate my job. But here’s the thing, it’s flexible (for the most part), has benefits: (insurance, free-ish air travel, scheduled pay increases). Cons: passengers are allowed to treat crew like shit, always working with new people (that you may not mesh well with), anyone you try establishing a relationship with has pre-conceived notions/little to no faith you will ever be around, pay SUCKS until you get REALLY senior (7+), and...more, but I digress. But that flexible schedule, albeit limited, has afforded me the ability to work on music; until it doesn't. 

See, I was getting “comfortable” in my work situation a few years ago until certain a situation beyond my control forced me into deep debt, bad credit, and deeper depression. In order to fix all of this, money is needed. How do u get money? Work more. More work leads to more depression and sometimes health issues. So, I’ve been stuck in this seamlessly endless cycle of paycheck to paycheck living. And my desire and NEED to work on my music has not helped it (as explained in the previous blog post). Every time I get a bit more money, it goes to my craft. 

See, after you put all that money into creating art, you have to then put it OUT there. And in the case of a performer, you need to do live performances. That is a whole other situation in itself. There are lots avenues to get live performance experience. Open mics, concert showcases, live cabaret/karaoke bars, etc. Guess what THEY ALL COST MONEY. But not only money, LOTS of excess time is involved. 

This past spring, I was dragged into a showcase by my producer friend (who I’m partially in love with but he’s straight...but that’s another story). In order to do a showcase, you have to apply for acceptance. Applications involve you submitting current work and having a worthy social media following (which you have had to spend constant time building). Once you fill out the application, send the files and info, PAY your entry fee ($25) and receive your acceptance, you then have to sell tickets. Yes, how do they get people to come to the showcase? By having YOU bring them. And if you cannot find people to buy your tickets, all of those tickets come out of YOUR pocket. So, I was given 25 tickets to sell (last minute mind you); 25 tickets to sell at $20 bucks each. So, if I don't sell them, I owe the company $500 dollars. Yup, that’s correct. In order for me to perform my original content on their stage, I needed to make sure they got their $525 and help them get people in the venue so that they buy drinks at the bar (which we were given ZERO drink tickets for). Now before stepping on stage, you don’t get a sound check. So, you show up early before everyone to check in and simply check they have your correct music file(s) then wait...and wait...and wait. But your music has to be edited within their restrictions (this means more studio time. Remember, studio time =more $$...just making sure ur following me. Too many times you’ll hear big recording artists talking about how they have just sat in studios for hours creating a song from scratch. Yeah, only if you are signed to major label is this a thing! But anyway...back to the showcase.) 

Needless to say, I did everything I needed to. But I had some help since I asked to do this last minute and told them UP FRONT they would have had to get that unsold ticket money from me in blood. I landed from working a redeye the day before, got a nap in, did my vocal exercises in my car on my way to New Jersey, checked in and sat there. Since some people didn't show up on TIME, I was abruptly grabbed from drinking my whiskey at the bar and told “YOU’RE ON NEXT!”  Being the seasoned professional that I am, took that shot to the head, said “Actually, that’s not my slot...but ok, I’m ready.” NO SOUND CHECK, NEVER given TIME on the stage beforehand...I went on. Sung my ass off with a standing ovation from the judges. Then, went back to drinking with my friends who were in shock because they had never heard me really sing live. Then I had sit for HOURS while mediocre “rappers” and “singers” rapped over pre-recordings of their own vocals. Finally, they were ready to announce the winners. I won that sucker.

But what did I win? ...A promise to be put into another show... *DICK FACE*  No money to recoup what I just spent getting to this moment. No free promotion on social media to help me and my art. NO, some bullshit. So, I took the experience fore what it was and cut my losses. I got some exposure and was able to test out an unreleased song...but besides that. Nothing but wasted time and effort. I left there feeling somewhere between elation and disappointment. Not to mention, I was exhausted; I had done all this after working my full time job, and had to work again the next day. So all I had time to do was drive home and sleep. 

“Like a wave bashing into the shore...

Since this, I have had some money issues and mental health issues, so I have just barely been able to work on music. On my days off, I have to sleep and get back in the groove of being a real person instead of a redeye zombie. Then when I’m feeling slightly normal, I’m back to work...it is a vicious, irritating, restraining cycle. I’ve tried working shorter flights so I’m home more; nope, the pairings (schedules) for those flights work you in a way that leaves you feeling raped. My company will build a pairing with a duty time of 27hrs and only pay you for 15-17 of those hours. DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. Then on top of that, your rest time at the hotel is set to 11hrs...WTF?? 

Let me explain this for those of you with normal jobs. On these pairings, you are schedule to work a number of flights each day. So, 3 day pairing means you work 3-4 flights each day and have 2 layovers. Now lets say FLIGHT time is 1.5-2.5 hrs each (8-12hrs). Then you land from your final flight for day one. We’re usually delayed at our carrier...honestly, rarely on time. So, you have minimum rest at 11hrs. BUT, before you can leave the aircraft we have to get all passengers off the plane, CLEAN the seats, wait on our shuttle which is probably late if your pilots are sucky human beings and haven’t called ahead to make sure they’re there (Pilots aren’t required to clean; just us lowly peasants). So, by the time you get to the hotel, down to 10hrs. If you get there and rooms are ready, great. IF NOT, another 20-30 min or longer. But, lets say you’re down to 9.5hrs now. Get to your room. Hopefully your key works, air/heat works, no one is already in you room (yes...it happens all the time), room already cleaned, no bed bugs, and you aren’t by a noisy ice machine/elevator. You then have to shower and eat. Let’s say you get all that done in an hour. You now have 8.5 hrs to sleep...BUT WAIT, the van is scheduled to pick you up from the hotel 45 min to an hour before you are supposed to report at the airport and you need to be dressed and ready to make that van. So instead of 8.5hrs, you actually have 7hrs at best to sleep and pop outta bed, get dressed and properly ready to do the shit show all over again; all the while, knowing they are really only paying you for the time you spend on the aircraft, AFTER THE DOOR IS CLOSED AND THE BRAKE IS RELEASED. Time before like boarding, checks, delays? nope...no pay. Just us waisting our fucking time. Literally.

Why, is this? cuz everyone does it is the answer. That is how all airlines do it, so you have no leg to stand on. Got a union, the company retaliates like a reprimanded toddler. Now as I said before, once you get to be a super senior in your company and can choose what you want to work, when you want to work, in the position you want to work, getting $40/hr at base hours and a crazy amount for premium (overtime) hour, etc. the job is GOLDEN. (Unless that company gets purchased/merged.) But for a young person/flight attendant in debt, living in NYC, with a high cost of living, life ain’t fun. I tried living in New Jersey for a lower cost; that came with its own issues. I’ve taken out loans, became a hermit to save money, worked holidays, etc. Dug my hole deeper is what I did. And I’m pretty good at setting goals and managing my time and getting things DONE. But for some fucking reason, life is not working in my favor. This job is not working for me. I see younger people coming up behind me doing LITTLE to no work, getting musical accolades with trash “music” (I know, matter of opinion...but really. C’mon now), young white/latino/asian twinks shaking their ass for anything that breathes and getting rich men to pay their bills or marry them, all the while telling me they just want my BBC or other racist BS like that (Yes, I have receipts) and I’m just like WTF AM I DOING WRONG?! Have I spent my time stupidly? 

And the most recent shit that really hurt my feelings: If any of you remember (to the three of you reading this lol), a few months ago I posted about help getting into bartending. Well, I had actually asked a friend in person before that about bartending and if he knew any directors who could do a music video. This “friend” told me “no, not really”. Didn’t know anything about that, he just does movies and short films (which I’ve donated to his kickstarters for btw...) but no one who he thinks does music videos. THEN, I asked this same “FRIEND” how much he would charge to be IN a music video, as I had a song (the one I won the showcase with) that he would be perfect for as it deals with subject matter he rallies for. I wanted to help his career out in turn by help my video out, because I’m ugly and having beautiful actors in my video would be a better sell (as again, I need this song to make money. He then tells me me, he’s not sure how much he would charge for that. SEVERAL MONTHS LATER...this bitch releases a music VIDEO to his NEW SINGLE about a SIMILAR SUBJECT!! Without promotion, he gets instant 2.2k hits on the video on youtube. MIND YOU, he would always be shy to sing around me and I told him, “you need to give yourself more credit. You have a beautiful voice.” Meanwhile, I’m asking for some knowledge from him, and he wouldn’t help me with ANYTHING. I have NEVER asked for a hand out. Just tell me where the door is, I will get in even if I have to pick the lock. But he not only pretended he didn’t know where the door was, he was holding the keys, had lock picks on the side and duplicates to share; But, for whatever reason...didn’t want to share that with me. Even though, I was going to include him in MY art without any thought and was willing to pay. Now, I have some thoughts on why he did this. But seeing as I’m on the verge of tears, I’ll end on that note.

...You wash away my dreams.”

[dvrkhclme-blog]

✕ — wasn’t that raven darkholme wandering the streets of new york, 1973? civilians know them as mystique and see them as a villain. as far as i know, the one hundred and fifty+ year old stands with the x-men (sometimes), and are rumoured to be pretty deceptive & misanthropic. ( julianne moore / gender-fluid / typically she/her ) 

{ trigger warnings : mental illness, suicide, sexual abuse, drugs, terrorism, murder  }

hey everyone, i’m sophia!! i’m trash and neglected the intros for all my babies soooo i’m finally getting to them now!! anyways, i’m super excited to be here at 1973hq & i hope we can all be good friends!! <3 sooo. more about my first baby aka my murder!baby under the cut  

LEVEL 1: INTRODUCTORY INFORMATION ABOUT MY MYSTIQUE //

im not even gonna touch the mceu version of mystique ok thx therefore shes gonna be combination of comics mystique and a bunch of my own headcanons — soooo

LEVEL 2: SURFACE LEVEL MYSTIQUE — THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE UGLY // 

( skip this part if youre familiar with the mcu its basically a shortened version of her bio )

the binch is oLD ok??/ old af. probably several centuries old. i’d say 200 years old at minimum but its never really been disclosed

don’t even get me started on wtf i think happened to her to fight just to survive at age 12 when her mutation kicked in bcus,,, yike

her entire life has been characterized by betrayals. whether it be mystique betraying someone else (most likely) or her being betrayed by someone else (in the case of destiny)

her n destiny met in the early 20th century. destiny asked her to help decode her prophecies and to stop the terrifying ones from being fulfilled. they fell in Luv. they are partners. gay ass partners. (the original idea for mystique n destiny was for nightcrawler to be their canon kid. via mystique in a males body. but this was retconned bcus of homophobia thx but i’d personally love this hc if we get a kurt & it’s ok w/ them anyway )

anyway after ww2 she met sabertooth n had her first (canonically recorded) kid, graydon. who. lo n behold, she abandoned.

that’ll be a trend, fyi, better watch out for that

but graydon turned out to be a mutant hating human so thats fun

then mystique from our time went back in time in attempt to assassinate graydon (which doesnt, in the end, work),,,, also fun

then she gets married to a wealthy german count,,, uses her power to start seducing other people, when she meets azael who  manipulates and seduces her. has nightcrawler via azael ,, its cool

raven murdered her husband and was then regarded by her townsfolk n as a demon. she escaped but abandoned kurt,,, also cool

she adopts raven then. and actually genuinely loves her. (more on this in the next section)

she founds the 3rd version of the brotherhood n they do more terrorist shit good job mystique #magnetowasright

sike mystique betrayed  magneto and turned him into the government, turned the brotherhood into the freedom force, n started working for the gov. working for freedom force is when destiny died and that triggered one of mystiques many breakdowns (also more on this below)

she was v depressed at this time and taken advantage of by the shadow king. raven let herself be brainwashed by the government into thinking she was her own government handler to take down the shadow king. didnt work. he torments her the rest of her life. yike.  

she had nanotech put into her head so the government could force her to work for x-factor, while with them she finds out destiny during their partnership had other partners and kids she didnt know about and one was a mutant

graydon has this mutant savagely beaten. before mystique can kill graydon for this, hs followers kill him n turn him into a martyr. super fun. cue operation zero tolerance.

mystique went undercover as the senators wife for a while n used her connections to the fbi to do shadier shit

she then ran away and took some random chicks form and became a model and made a ton of cash — u go girl

except this kinda sucked for her because she moved into a penthouse suite which in the neighbouring building had skulls plotting to take down mankind. they framed her for a murder, her powers stopped working, n she was arrested

the government eased all her alternate identities and froze all her assets and access to the money she and destiny saved up for decades. cue another mental breakdown

then she finds out destiny was responsible for founding the anti-mutant conspiracy mystique spent her whole life trying to stop, and that destiny also didnt give medical attention to mutant kids who were deformed from their mutations

long story short she has an even worse breakdown n goes completely nihilistic, realizing she cant change the world for the better, she remakes the brotherhood and impersonates moira mctaggert to get her research on the legacy virus  

a bunch more shit happens with raven ending up in the care of homeland security. xavier makes a deal with her and breaks her out. everyont thought she tried to kill xavier,,, when she didnt actually,,, because xaviers a shady fuck,,, but oh well. rogue disowns her for it. leads to another mental breakdown.

because of this she decides fuq u xavier and creates a mutant kid identity for herself known as foxx and joins the xmen to stop rogue and remy’s relationship

she helped the x-men during this time n also helped save rogue’s life via the messiah baby. but once again her intentions are misconstrued

she snaps again and impersonates bobby drake’s girlfriend & gets the poor boy hospitalized

norman osborn then recruited her to the dark x-men, injected her with nanites, then helped logans soul to hell, but then changed her mind and helped get him back. when he got back tho he uh. well. killed her. her and sabretooth were both resurrected by the hand (more on this later)

mystique then rejoined the brotherhood, impersonated alison, and took her place as mutant liaison for shield, harvesting her DNA to make MGH (mutant growth hormone)

LEVEL 2.5: MYSTIQUE’S PLACE IN THIS VERSE

i imagine she went back in time to 1973 under the guise of helping people & being “reformed” but in reality she was also doing shady mystique shit on the side and probably trying to tie up some loose ends, whether it be with graydon, the shadow king, destiny, or someone else. or probably a combination

anyways now shes staying w/ the x-men part time and playing Good Girl for now. she wants to show everyone that shes reformed n better n just wants to do things for the betterment of mutant kind. wants 2 get their trust too

shes pretty. level headed right now i’d say. betsy braddock helped her during one of her mental breakdowns by telepathically realigning her fragmented psyche — she’s still mystique n still awful but not as chaotic anymore. and less prone to attack rogue or other people aimlessly. it’s much more goal oriented now.

LEVEL 3: MYSTIQUES PSYCHE //

ok so she identifies as gender fluid bcus she shape shifts forms but also because i imagine shes so sick of having sexualized herself all these decades to get what she wants that shes just fed up with gender norms and thinks theyre bullshit. she’s fine to go by she/her pronouns but she doesnt really identify as a specific gender in my head

she drinks but mostly absinthe and only w/ people she trusts. along those lines it’s similar for drugs but she loves a good high and a good hallucination

she has bouts of psychosis that her wiki defines as schizophrenia. it manifests in much more anger and aggression. hallucinations. delusions — especially presecutory and grandiose delusions — lack of pleasure (hence the nihilism), social withdrawal, and poverty of speech. her sense of identity becomes so fractured that she cant keep herself consistently in one body without it taking all of her concentration — and sometimes that isn’t even enough. she gets lots of mood and cognitive changes during these episodes — and completely loses her sense of self

despite her grandiose ego she’s actually very self conscious and refuses to look in a mirror. actually she’s scared of her appearance. she cant look at herself normally in fear of seeing a monster look back

this is also the reason she was so easily deceived by azael. he looked like a monster, too, and embraced her for how she is. he didnt make her change to fit another appearance that couldve been “more beautiful”

lastly, her motives for doing things??? are always for the betterment of mutantkind. over time this got very skewed and her belief became that the only way for mutants to actually live is for all humans to die. shes a terrorist through and through, but she loves mutants. she just has a personal vendetta against the x-men that’s grown over the years — her constantly being betrayed by people during her episodes of psychosis and the x-men never actually believing the real story (but also like. why would they??? shes often so awful too)

shes attempted suicide canonically in the past. she loses control of herself. it’s also heavily implied she’s been assaulted in the past. anyways shes a sad baby too

— so thats about it for my murder baby! yike this got a lot longer than i expected it to but anyways i cant wait to write her with all of you!! <3

[chrysaliseuro2019]

Lapping it All Up

It's Sunday morning and time to part company with Sue and Peter. It was a fun 5 days. We are heading to Helsinki and they will drive the car back to Riga where it all commenced. They are stopping the night at Parnau. Rainy day again as we said our farewells and they dropped us at the ferry terminal. Saw an amusing sign at the terminal which pointed to the very short term car park (15 mins). It said " Kiss and Sail" which was very apt. We had laughed our way through Latvia and Estonia with them and had covered a bit of ground in those 5 days. Despite it bucketing down Liz did a quick sortie after they left to take a photo of the sign. This led to one of those amusing moments. Something you very rarely see Liz do - "run". If I said a sort of Donald Duck style of running I might be close to the mark. Possibly even being flattering. There is a lot of action, arms flapping, feet akimbo, head rolling from side to side and forward momentum is not speedy. The ferry ride from Tallin to Helsinki takes about 2.5 hours. We had basic tickets so it was first in best dressed for seats. A number of bars and cafes on board and as soon as boarding started the regulars made for prime positions. We had to stow our luggage and were given a bit of a bum steer, in terms of where to store them, by one of the staff so a lot of seats had gone by the time we were free to look. Anyway we snagged a couple of uninspiring but fine seats in a a cafe and settled back for an uneventful trip. Despite the rain it was petty calm and we had a snack, read and blogged. Interestingly they had a couple of stages with musos performing. I might expect that on a cruise ship in the Bahamas but not somehow on a couple of hours ferry in the Baltics. One stage was on the upper deck where quite a raucous bar was in full swing. The wind and rain were coming down on the uncovered end though plenty of cover. Singer was flat as a tack and slaughtered Ed Sheerin's " A Girl Like You" (a bit of a holiday anthem as you hear it a lot in beach bars etc over here). The audience didn't care. They were all getting tanked. Another singer was close to us in a neighbouring area and he was playing the guitar and performing solo with some electronic instrumental help. Not too bad, middle of the road - Eric Clapton, Jonny Cash etc but more importantly his voice I was better. I strolled around looking at the duty free shop where the Finns on board were fairly determinedly stocking up on booze which is much cheaper in Estonia than Finland. This included people with several slabs of beer. Liz noticed that many of those slabs were being consumed on board. It was certainly a lively ship. Trip was easy and we worked out we could get a tram into the city and quite close to our hotel from the ferry terminal. A bit of a scramble getting off but we were in no rush so took our time. Slight problem though, it was raining quite steadily. We headed for the tram stop which was close by but in a master stroke of planning the ticket machine was exposed to the elements and quite a queue. This included the guy who had no idea what to do, did not appear to have the right money (possibly any money), whose credit card would not work and who consequently held us all up in the hissing rain for 5/6 minutes - could have been longer. This on top of the 7/8 mins we had already been waiting. In the end the couple behind paid for him. Liz was now huddled under the tram shelter while I stood out there in the pak-a-mac. No point in two of us getting wet(ter). By the time I got to the front of the queue the wind had set in and rain was horizontal so jeans and shoes pretty soaked. Guys behind (equally wet) who seemed local provided some guidance on the payment process but even they stuffed it up a bit so another minute or two of soaking. Anyway at last I had two tickets in my hand but the various delays meant we just missed a tram by about a minute so had a 6/7 minute wait for the next one. Still, under some shelter, though I was drenched. We duly trundled off for the 10 minute ride and I couldn't wait to get out of my jeans and shoes. I made the mistake of sitting down which was even more uncomfortable so quickly sprang up. Anyway the Hotel Helka was only about a 10 minute walk from the tram stop. Liz did a good job of getting us off at the closest stop and guiding us home. At last, out of that gear and into the shower. All was well and Hey! We were in Finland. Time to explore and we headed off into town. Basically heading for the main square and market square. First impressions were that it was more modern than Riga or Tallinn and a little less atmospheric. Plenty of shopping malls, cafes etc. and even the older buildings which were often quite attractive, of the the six storey terrace variety, did not seem that old. Made our way to market square where there were a number of stalls selling local "products". Very soft hats, wood carvings, paintings, the usual fridge magnet memorabilia stuff but also fox, wolf and reindeer pelts and extremely sharp hunting type knives in scabbards - not sure exactly what the purpose of them was. The market was starting to close but quite a few stalls selling food were in full flight. Now around 4.00pm and we had only snacked post breakfast so were hungry. The offerings were often local delicacies and we couldn't resist sharing a plate of fried Vendace (very similar to sardines) with garlic sauce. Just on a paper plate, pretty decent serve (30 or so smallish fish) you eat the lot, heads and all, and we wandered around happily chomping on them. Very delicious and sauce not too garlicky at all but tasty and needed. It was sun over the yard arm time and we looked for a decent pub/ venue to have a drink. Plenty of craft beer here though we had heard horror stories about the price of alcohol. We couldn't quite find what we were looking for in terms of character but settled on a cafe/bar and sat outside. Rain had stopped but not exactly balmy. After that we continued to wander through the back streets though being Sunday a lot of places closed. Did find a good looking Pho joint which was a possibility if all else failed. Liz loves her Pho. We headed back for the hotel. The Helka is a little boutique hotel and quite quirky. They had a little Swiss style bird house (no birds) that you could deposit your keys in when you left. The coffee mugs in the room had an inscription inside the rim which read " Stolen from Hotel Helka" Staff very friendly and a range of nice touches. We determined that dinner would be in their relaxed little bar/cafe area downstairs. Some good craft beer on tap and bottled and rose OK too. I had the salmon on bread with salad. Big chunks of salmon served cold - excellent. Liz had the coconut and sweet potato soup which was also very good. A local porter and IPA for me (both good especially the porter) rose for Liz. All very laid back and sat very happily not feeling we had to traipse about town. Not too late a night headed up around 10.30 for the usual blogging, reading and planning next phase. Greece definitely on. Thessaloniki as a kick off point looking the goods. Also need to ensure we have a flight out of there to London about a week after arriving in Greece as flying home from London. All pretty tortuous evaluating alternatives but in the end have to bite the bullet and its Turkish airlines to Thessaloniki and BA from there to London though the poms charging usuriously. Liz doing sterling work with bookins Next morning at 11.00 we were going on a free tour of Helsinki. After a great breakfast at the Helka (we expected nothing else given its form to date) we headed for the meeting point a 20 minute fast walk away, back at market square. Our guide was a young and vivacious lady who had spent time in Canada hence a slight North American accent. Super smart and despite a crowd of around 35-40 with a microphone headpiece and a resonant voice she was easy to hear. We covered a lot of ground both literally and metaphorically. Some aspects were: Lutheran religion is the main one for Finns. Apparently a not unusual fall away in those following a structured religious approach in Finland though you have to attend a religious camp for a week when in your late teens if you want to be married in church. A lot of the design of the buildings in the older parts of Helsinki was under the auspices of the German architect Engels in the 19th century. He had spent time in St Petersburg and hence there are similarities between the cities (though not the flamboyant stuff). Education is subsidised in fact you are paid to attend for your first 5 years at Uni. Food is also subsidised for uni students and is free at kindergarten. Start school at 7 pre that it's kindergarten where formal lessons are minimal. At junior school the first 5 years are pretty hands on - sewing, woodwork etc. no homework in that period. Health care free for all though dental must be paid for unless impacts health more generally. We were starting to understand why prices were so high with all those taxes. The guide (Maria I think) quipped that they all live a good life but it's hard to get rich. They were ruled for hundreds of years by the Swedes and then from early 19th century by the Russians. They gained independence in 1917 and in that period also had a bloody civil war. Fought against the Soviet Union in 1939 and collaborated with the Germans to fight against the Soviet Union 1941-44. They did not persecute minorities however. Then they also had to fight against the Germans to remove them from Finland as the tide turned at the end of the war. They are proud to have maintained their independence throughout despite some land losses to the Soviet Union. In winter the harbour freezes over so all boats must be lifted out and stored in dry dock including some pretty large fishing boats. Ice breakers were also visible in the harbour. It was a wide ranging, interesting tour with plenty of fun thrown in. Amazing coincidence of a couple from Melbourne, Meredith and David, being on the tour more especially because Meredith taught the preps at Camberwell primary around the time our kids went there. She didn't teach them as it turned out. Liz and Meredith swopped school and other local stories ++. David was an interesting character. He had worked for the CSIRO and was a resin expert. He had for the last umpteen years supported businesses making wood paneling and other resin involved products around the world. This included a 5 year stint for the whole family living in Italy while he worked there. He had most recently been working in China and had come straight to Finland from there. Yet again there's a lot of different stuff makes the world go around. Nice guy to chat to. Pommie origins though born in Australia and we had a good time dissecting Brexit. He has the same problem as us may lose his European passport. We were interested in the big issues! We did that nattering over a coffee and tea that stretched for about an hour and a half post the free tour. After that Liz and I headed for the market square again and needed something to eat. Beside the square was a pretty attractive and ornate indoor market building. Really it was a tasteful food hall with a range of tidbits you could buy to eat immediately or take away including exotics like reindeer jerky. We plumped for a couple of open sandwiches which we consumed at a little eating area outside by the docks. One was cured salmon and the other was prawns in a sweet chilli sauce. We shared the first two but so tasty we went again. Me for the prawns and Liz for the salmon. Just very nice sitting there with this scrumptious food. Back to the market square and as opposed to yesterday evening all stalls were in full swing so we had a good look around at the knick knacks but did not purchase. Time to go our own ways. We both went looking through shops though Liz also found a strange square which looked like a lunar landscape. People were skateboarding and sitting around the square and it all seemed a bit unexpected in what seems like quite a conservative city. I stumbled across the City Museum. This was a very quirky place which essentially probed some alternative aspects of Helsinki and Finland. One of the highlights was an exhibition by 5 Finnish artists. It was titled "Objection". Essentially it was about disagreement and the role that it plays in our society (particularly Finnish society). Each artist illustrated a different story. One was about Hjalmar Linder the wealthiest man in Finland who fled to Sweden during the 1918 civil war. On his return he found that members of the losing side were still being persecuted (killed) so he wrote a letter to the newspaper saying "enough of this bloodbath" which broke ranks with his peer group. He was then hounded out of the county and eventually died penniless, slashing his own wrists. Another was about left wing activism in the 1930s and 40s. It was being suppressed and so a password " Have you seen a running dog" was used to identify sympathisers. Essentially how people find a way to "object" Yet another was about a book "the Price of Our Freedom" still found in many Finnish homes. It contained a photograph and short description of each of 26000+ people who were killed in the Winter War 1939-1940. The artist had taken the photographs of key people in the book and turned them into ghost like portraits using hundreds of layers of pictures - "the Price of Freedom". Separately there were also general narratives about what Helsinki was like in the past. Pretty rough and ready in the 1920s apparently. Also a photograph gallery with some fantastic photos of Helsinki in the past including one which captured the docks area including market square. I couldn't see a date but perhaps 100+ years ago. All these photos were available for purchase. I kept wandering post the museum. Just walking lost really. Took in a few shops and generally soaked up the city. Liz did much the same. No acquisitions. Liz grabbed a bit of shuteye and we met up again around 7.00 in the hotel bar/restaurant. We decided not to move. The restaurant which the guy in "Radio" restaurant in Tallin recommended was closed ,being Monday night, and the informal dinner they served at the Helka had been pretty good the night before. We both had the open sandwich salmon. Thick chunks of salmon. Liz not the greatest salmon fan (she prefers her fish to be white) but enjoyed it, and I certainly did including polishing a few remnants of salmon from her plate. Of course a couple of craft beers also supped. Liz took it easy as a bit tired and slightly heady. It was relaxing and we headed up around 10.00. I took a quick stroll to walk off dinner but boy had it got cold. I think you can probably keep the Finnish summer. Here we were 12th August and it might have been about 16 degrees out but with a healthy wind that felt around 12-14. I was wishing I had a scarf. This reaffirmed our decision to head back to some warmth in Greece.

[randomscenariosandwritings]

Icarus and the Sea

~Icarus and the Sea~NCT!Soulmate Au Part 3: Final Part

Parts out: Part 1// Part 1.5// Thanksgiving Special// Part 2// Part 2.5// Part 3 (You are here, congratulations you made it!!)

A/N so here we are last part of the series. Sorry it took so long finals were hell and I had zero motivation, but luckily my slump did not last for a whole year or two this time! Please comment and talk to me!! It really helps keep me motivated to know people actually read this crap and like it. I’m more likely to write if you talk to me in comments or asks. Plus, I may just have zero ideas sometimes and you requesting something could be the only way I’ll write for a while. So if you want imagines and crap then talk to me. I know this sounds like I’m just being a jerk but it’s not fun to write things that no one will read...or write things and feel like no one’s reading them. Anyways part 3 the final part!!

Description: He was the sun and she was the moon and they were soulmates. Which was both a blessing and a curse. She needed his light and warmth and he needed her to reflect it back to him, but they were ever so distant, both unable to truly reach each other. He reached out for her every way he could, but only in his darkest moments could she ever be found.

Genre: Fluff, this one is pretty much entirely fluff

Warnings: Cursing minor but like it’s there, mentions of suicide again, but I think that’s it unless you have something against coffee or sunflowers or something

Word count: 8054 words

(Y/c/N) means your choice of names I was too lazy to give Taeil’s sister an actual name so you get this instead 

Also I tried to put in a read more button tag thing but if it didn’t work I’m not gonna try and fix it because I’ve tried before and it’s never worked and I’m lazy af. 

(Not my gif again!!! Do I need to keep telling you this??)

Despite everything that had happened that night nothing changed the next day, nothing changed for a while...

When she woke up again, after he got her to go back to sleep, she had two messages one on her skin from him and the other a text from Chenle. The message on her arm was written in red ink and read "Hey, cinnamon, just gonna be totally honest with you, because all the best relationships are built on trust and communication, I know Chenle and I heard your thoughts about him the other night and I may have told him that he knew you and he totally figured it out, no I didn't ask him to help me meet you or anything because I know you're not quite ready for that but if you ever did want to meet up or get my number Chenle has it, or you can ask me yourself, I'll wait for you as long as I need to," She smiled at his thoughtfulness and his honesty before checking the text from Chenle though she now had an idea of what it may be about.

After reading through the text and talking with Chenle a bit she responded to her soulmate with ink on her arm and then went out to find Taeyong, today they needed each other. "Tae," She said as she lightly knocked on his door. "Yeah?" He responded from inside his room in a soft broken voice and she sighed knowing whatever sleep he had gotten had been sparse and unfulfilling. He'd likely spent most of the night crying and she knew exactly what it was about, or at least she thought she did. Then again he had thought he'd understood the issue before last night as well. "Can I come in?" She asked softly leaning against the door with her shoulder. She wasn't about to just barge in no matter how much she knew he needed someone. She still had to respect his privacy and choices no matter how much she may want to just go in and sit with him. "Yeah, it's unlocked," he responded causing her to sigh in relief before pushing open the door. She found him sitting on the floor beside his bed staring sadly at the phone in his hand a few pictures scattered on the floor around him, sticky notes and cards thrown into the mix forming a semicircle of memories around him, but there was just enough room beside him for one more person. "I heard you crying last night, do you want to talk about it?" She asked softly as she sat beside him on the ground keeping her eyes on her dear older brother instead of the items on the ground although her curiosity was piqued. He picked a photo up off the ground and frowned at it before answering her. "Not really, not right now," He responded simply and she nodded in understanding and decided for now she'd just give him company and maybe a little bit of distraction. "So, it turns out my soulmate knows Chenle," She said starting to talk about her night instead, choosing to start with the happy before informing him of the panic attack she'd had last night. It would only stress him out if she didn't cushion the blow. "How'd you find that out," He asked and she showed him her arm and the red ink with the blue response below it. "What were you thinking of?" Taeyong asked gently curious as to what her soulmate meant when he said I heard your thoughts and how that had possibly led to the knowledge of having a mutual friend.   "Well, I had a panic attack last night and woke him up on accident, we started talking and he told me he'd stop talking with me, stop writing to me if it was hurting me, I told him not to stop and started to think about how I just needed more people in my life who honestly love me and care, like you, Renjun, Jeno, and Chenle," She answered simply and he nodded well aware of his little sister's panic attacks. "I got a snapchat from my roommate," Taeyong answered suddenly opening up to her, now that she had shared he decided it was his turn. "He was asking me where I was and if I was coming back," Taeyong continued and set his phone down between the two of them. "Was she in it?" She questioned softly and he shook his head creating an immense confusion within her. He'd been upset about her, about losing her too his roommate, hadn't he? "Nope, I'm starting to think it might not be her I was upset about," Taeyong replied noticing her very obvious confusion, it was after all written all over her face, "I think I've been lying to myself about a lot of things for a long time," He added not able to look up at his younger sister or meet her eyes instead of looking at another photo and then another. "Honestly, it makes more sense the longer I think about it this way, the longer I look at these photos, notes, and cards, I always got way to upset when he had company over, he was the kind to sleep around while waiting/looking for his soulmate and I was always so upset about it, I hated seeing the black handprint on his arm. Don't get me wrong, I loved her but more like I grew to love things about her and grew to see her as a wonderful person and a dear friend but I didn't ever love her, I think I was just dating her because I knew he wasn't my soulmate and I loved him anyway and now that he's found her...I don't think I can ever go back to that room. My life has effectively turned into that one MV you know for the K.Will song, please don't I think," Taeyong continued sadly and she nodded, "But I can't keep staying in this house, not with auntie getting drunk every day and cursing everyone and everything. There's a reason I moved out in the first place..." "What if you and I moved out, we could leave today, move in with Jeno or Chenle for a bit until we found a new place to stay?" She suggested suddenly thinking back to her thoughts the other night about her aunt and the endless desire for at least a little more normalcy. She needed out of this house as much as her brother did, maybe even more. This house was weighing down on them both in more ways than one. She didn't think she'd ever be willing to meet her soulmate if she stayed in this house...   "You should probably ask Jeno or Chenle if they're ok with that first," Taeyong replied, "but otherwise, I'm down with that idea." "I think it might help me feel more comfortable about having a soulmate too, without hearing her cursing hers every 20 seconds," She added after a moment of silence between them, "I really do want to meet him, I'm just not ready yet and this will help." "You love him don't you?" Taeyong asked smiling gently at the young girl, it was refreshing to see her opening up a bit more, it was like watching a caterpillar crawl from its cocoon and become this beautiful butterfly. "No, not yet, I'm still too scared to love him, I don't think I can love him like really love him until he's no longer the sun in my eyes, cause if I keep believing he's the sun, I'll always be too afraid to burn," She replied looking up at the morning sun shining over them. "I agree, I think you need to stop putting him on the same level as the sun, but not because of that, I don't think you need to be afraid to burn, our whole family is and so they won't ever love again, I think they and the world would tell you that failure is ugly and painful that loss and falling and burning are horrid and despicable things, but I think they're wrong, I think there's something almost triumphant in falling instead of flying knowing you had the courage when everyone screamed no and there's something beautiful about fire even when you're in the middle of it," Taeyong replied shaking his head, he'd never told her this but he'd always believed it, it was why he wanted her to love, why he wanted to love, because he knew now even with how his heart ached at his handsome roommate who had met his soulmate in a beautiful girl. Even with how tears slipped down his cheeks at the sight of his pouting face asking him when he'd come back the black mark on his arm now a rainbow of color against his pale skin. "You're right though, he's not the sun, because from what I know he would never burn you, never be so distant and harsh, but don't be afraid to love him even if he was," Taeyong concluded finally looking her in the eyes. If anyone was the sun it was his roommate, or ex-roommate now. She nodded in understanding she knew if he really was the sun and she was the one flying towards him there was more beauty about that than just the sun and more than just the tragedy of falling and even that wasn't always a tragedy if you looked at it just right. She knew he was right that she should just give love a chance because even if she did fall and burn and tumbled from the heavens as an ungraceful ball of fire at least she flew at least she had the courage to leap and she'll leave her mark on the boy, literally, she won't ever be forgotten, maybe she'll be able to smile as she falls or laugh as she drowns in the oceans below. It was a lesson her soulmate had always been trying to teach her with the endless drawings on her skin that there is beauty in everything even intense pain. "Well that was a great heart to heart, but I'm hungry and it's your turn to make breakfast," She said pulling him up with her gently and thinking of the game of Uno she'd won last night before she'd gone to sleep and before the panic and before she told him she'd buy him coffee. A smile drew itself on her face at the thought of Uno and the words she'd written. It was the closest she'd gotten to telling him she loved him until the reply she wrote on her arm this morning. Unbeknownst to her, he would argue that both of those had said I love you, even if they didn't use the words.

He had a heart attack when he read the words she'd written him in blue ink. He fell off the couch he was lounging on and squealed and flailed around after reading the words because oh god his soulmate was just so adorable and oh my god look what she wrote. His heart was pounding in excitement and his cheeks were heating up with a blush at how adorable and sweet his soulmate really was. Taeil came rushing from the kitchen in panic at the noises and his sister ran in with Chenle close on her heels having just opened the door to let him in when the commotion had begun. "Are you ok?" Taeil questioned but as soon as he saw the young man rolling on the floor in absolute delight utterly overwhelmed by how cute his soulmate is Taeil sighed left the room and returned to cooking breakfast for the now five of them. "Was it her? What did she write?" Chenle asked excitedly he'd been secretly shipping these two for years now, despite the fact they'd never met, and he was so thrilled by any news of his 2nd otp which followed closely behind his true otp, him and his soulmate. Chenle watched in anticipation as his older friend sat up and smiled at him with the dorkiest grin he'd ever seen. "She's so cute," His older friend muttered softly a rosy tint on his cheeks and his eyes alight with joy. "She wrote, 'Hey sugar, thanks for your honesty, Chenle informed me of this interesting situation, thank you for being so understanding, I'll try not to make you wait too long,' and then there's a winky face, she called me sugar I'm dead, I'm so dead, funeral is at 3 o'clock," His older friend said with this wacky smile spread out on his face. "You two are such cheesy dorks," Taeil's sister said shaking her head as she chuckled softly sitting on a nearby armchair and smiling softly. "Has she been texting you then?" He asked looking up intently at Chenle who nodded and showed him the texts from earlier this morning. "Aww, she wanted to know if I was cute, she's adorable, wait what do you mean number four I am so cute!" He said as he read along with the texts looking up at Chenle perplexed and momentarily distracted. "Yeah, but my soulmate is the cutest, I'm the second cutest, and Jisung is the third cutest, Jeno would have had four but he's not funny so I knocked him down a peg," Chenle responded with a shrug and his soulmate blushed slightly at his words though she pretended she wasn't listening by scrolling through her phone looking at photos of her and Chenle. "Where's my soulmate on that list?" He asked looking up at the younger boy slightly offended because his soulmate was adorable and he had evidence. "Not on it, cause it'd be weird she's like an older sister to me," Chenle responded shaking his head at the older boy who was now crouched on the ground holding the phone like Gollum holding the ring, "A really dorky older sister who has like 5% of her life together on a good day," Chenle added thinking about the older girl who was quite a wreck, but still very kind. "Breakfast is ready," Taeil called from the kitchen and so they quickly went over and joined him in the kitchen. A while later they were gathered in the living room watching movies together when Chenle let out a soft, "Oh my god, what?" as he stared down at his phone. His soulmate leaned over and read the texts from his shoulder before letting out a little gasp and a slight smirk too. "Boy, you might actually have a really good chance of getting to meet her," Chenle said looking over towards the other non-moon sibling in the room. "Wait, what? What's happening?" He said his head shooting up from staring at his arm and the message from earlier excited by the potential news about his lovely soulmate. "She's moving out of her aunt's house," Chenle responded calmly a little too calmly for his liking, but he said nothing of the issue. "Really?" He asked in shock remembering back to the panic attack just last night and the conversation they'd had. "Yeah, she and Taeyong are gonna live with Jeno for a bit until they find a place," Chenle replied still calm and invested in the conversation on his phone. "This is good news for you though cause Taeyong will encourage her to meet you and the absence of her aunt will let her fall in love with you easier," Chenle explained slightly. He just nodded and grabbed a pen and began writing on his arm in black ink. "Hey, cinnamon, I heard you're moving out of your aunt's house, are you going to be ok what with the panic attacks and all?" He wrote trying not to let his complete worry for her seep through too much. "Yeah, Taeyong and I need out, our aunts a mess and totally brings us down, don't worry though, sugar, I'll be fine even with the panic attacks since I won't be surrounded by strangers and Taeyong will be there," She wrote back in black ink of her own. "How do you know all the boys, Chenle, Jeno, Renjun, and Taeyong?" He wrote again in response, he was extremely curious. "Right I forgot I'd never told you, Taeyong's my older brother the only sibling still around after my two older ones, Jinki and Soonkyu, left, I tutor Chenle since he came from China he still occasionally struggles with class here, I met Renjun and Jeno in class we all went to the same high school, I met Jeno first Freshman year and Renjun when he transferred in during sophomore year, then we decided to attend University here together and I met Chenle and Jisung, I'm not very close to Jisung though cause I only met him through Chenle," She wrote in response, her handwriting showing up neatly on his skin. "I'm glad you have all of them to watch over you and love you while I can't," He wrote gently a soft smile on his face. He was truly grateful, she was extremely important to him even if they'd never met.

She couldn't help but smile when he told her he was glad she had the boys in her life and they spent the rest of the night covering their skin in messages to each other and when they ran out of room on their skin they started to talk to each other through their minds and that was how they spent the rest of their day and into the night. A few days later she and Taeyong moved in with Jeno. Chenle and his soulmate, Renjun, and Jisung joined in to help them move. This was the first time she'd met Chenle's soulmate. "Hi, I'm Moon (Y/c/N)," Chenle's soulmate said as she approached with the boys. She extended her hand with a smile and then continued, "You must be Y/n and Taeyong, or as my neighbor likes to call you, Cinnamon and her brother." "Oh my god, my soulmate is your neighbor?" She, the youngest Lee sibling, questioned in shock. Chenle's soulmate smiled in response. "Yeah, he's good friends with my older brother and was actually hanging out at our house when Chenle came over to pick me up. Chenle tried to drag him here, but your soulmate wouldn't let him cause he wanted to make sure you were ready first," The young Moon girl said smiling at the memory of Chenle trying to physically drag the other male out of the house and said other male just sitting on the ground with a stubborn look on his face. "God, this jerk makes me fall in love with him more every day," Spoke the female Lee with a soft smile on her face, the young Moon girl only smiled softly in return. Happy for the two who she had officially deemed perfect for each other in just those few seconds. After that, the moving process began and the two girls became fast friends. Once they were officially moved in they had a mini welcoming party in which those already there laid about in the living room drinking sodas, eating snacks, and chatting happily or in Taeyong's case napping on the floor. "My neighbor told me you're amazing and successfully moved into Jeno's apartment, I already knew you're amazing but I'm glad your moved in, stay safe and happy, I love you," Was the last thing she saw in pink on her arm before she fell asleep that night in her new room. A few weeks later the Lee siblings moved once more, but with a lot more stuff to carefully box and move across the city, this time into a flat that was entirely their own and much closer to the University they attended and coincidentally her soulmates house, though that wasn't known until much later. There was a farewell party and her soulmate was once again invited, but only by Chenle who was desperate for the two to meet. He didn't come, once again respecting her wishes. The Lee siblings smiled and laughed, but were both sad to leave Jeno's flat behind, even in that short time it had become a home, full of laughter and games, gone were the two-way battles for kitchen duty now replaced by much louder three-way games and Jeno was quickly adopted into the family by Taeyong, she had always loved him like a twin brother. Instead of late night talks about where their elder siblings were, hearing their aunt scream about the pains of love, or trying hard to stay awake so they wouldn't see the image of a beautiful but broken woman falling backward off a roof, they laughed and chatted late into the night about anything and everything and sometimes nothing understandable or coherent all of them too tired to truly understand, but nonetheless happier than they'd ever been. For once the two siblings were truly happy. So happy in fact that they debated never leaving Jeno's flat but Jeno had shaken his head while taking a sip of root beer as they laid on the couch all bundled up together, toy story playing in the background and said they needed to find a better place more suited to them, closer to a cafe for the caffeine addict Taeyong and the ever increasingly aesthetic girl who loved the atmosphere, with a different layout and style both inside and out he could tell the plain white walls in every room were driving them insane, and a place they could truly call their own, they'd never truly had somewhere they could do that and he knew they needed it. Nonetheless, they surprised him the night of the farewell party and told him they had another room they wanted him to have, he was after all their brother and no home would be complete without the whole family. The family they had created for themselves. With that two became three and a plain flat turned into a home for a trio that loved each other dearly. For the first few weeks, the flat was changing every day new decorations here and there, decorations moved or gone altogether but it wasn't the only thing changing every day. The only female in their trio, their beloved sister was changing with it. She was becoming happier and more hopeful, she wrote to her soulmate daily and if she didn't write to him she spoke to him in her mind, some days she even initiated the conversations, though he almost always beat her to it. Each and every day they watched her become more herself and more in tune with who she was, she changed her major from math to art history, the clothes she bought herself changed too as she fell into her own style. Day by day she just became more herself, no change she made ever confused her two brothers, if anything they recognized her more with each change, and whenever they saw her these days there was a silent resounding 'ah yes, here is my sister, beautiful as always, there she is' that echoed in their heads and heart. She was now almost exactly who she was meant to be, they all knew there was still one piece missing, one piece that drew on his arms and asked her questions long into the night, that shared odd stories and little delights. Day by day she became more and more ready to meet him and they all knew it. However, it was still months before the pair finally met. When they did meet it was at the youngest Moon sibling's birthday party, both of them friends with the young girl. She, the female Lee, had known for a while now that she was finally ready to meet her soulmate and knew this party would be the perfect opportunity. Even so, she didn't tell Chenle that she was coming, only the young Moon girl, Taeyong, Jeno, and herself knew she would be attending the party. The four of them had kept it a careful secret though Taeyong didn't have much to worry about as he only interacted with Chenle occasionally and had never met Taeil. No, the meeting of the two eldest siblings was a day that would go down in history and certainly not this day. When the day of the party finally came she was a nervous wreck, the three Lee's had spent almost the entire day trying to choose an outfit for her and had only decided 20 minutes before Taeil and his sister were scheduled to arrive to pick her and Jeno up for the party. "God, I think I'm more nervous for you than you are," Taeyong muttered softly as he continued working on her hair, fixing it because everything had to be perfect for his baby sister. "I feel like I'm getting my daughter ready for prom..." he added as he put the last touch on her hair finally happy with it. "Believe me Tae I am just as nervous if not more, he's my soulmate remember," She replied while Jeno just smiled in the background, he loved this dorky family of nervous wrecks, who as Chenle often reminded all of them only had 5% of their lives together on a good day, but today was a great day, so they had 10% or maybe 3%, they couldn't quite figure it out. "Her being nervous is the entire reason I'm going, Taeyong, pretty sure she's more nervous," Jeno added laughing at his adoptive siblings and going back to texting Renjun about how this was going to turn into him standing in the corner alone because he knew no one but people with soulmates and would likely be fifth wheeling the entire time. Though he did remind Renjun that he was ultimately ok with it cause this was his sister's big day and if he was anything he was a supportive brother. "Yeah, you're right, you're right," Taeyong said before spinning her around to make sure everything was perfect. "You know what you always look wonderful, I don't know why I'm so worried," Taeyong said shrugging and letting go of her. "She'll be just fine, Taeyong and if she's not I'll call Renjun and he can beat the jerk up," Jeno said way too nonchalantly, not telling them that Renjun had already offered should anything go wrong. "Perfect," Taeyong said right as a knock sounded on their door. "That's your sign, go get him, girl," Taeyong said shoving her towards the door before dragging Jeno over as well. Soon the youngest Lee's were out the door and in a car where they found a very confused Chenle and Taeil. "Who is this girl I thought we were picking up Jeno and Jeno only?" Taeil asked while Chenle's face slowly morphed into an evil grin fit for a mad scientist. "I'm Y/N, your neighbor's soulmate," She said with a smile introducing herself to the oldest Moon. "Oh my god, really?" Taeil asked and she nodded with a wide smile. "Wow, okay this is shocking." "I can't wait to introduce you two!" Chenle said happily rubbing his hands together in excitement. "Ah ah ah! Not so fast! You are doing no such thing, we already have a plan," Y/N said shaking her head at the young boy. "What kind of plan?" Chenle asked quirking an eyebrow up in curiosity. Y/n and his soulmate quickly explained the plan to a now increasingly offended Chenle. "That's a dumb plan," Chenle said with a shake of his head. "How do you know he's not already sitting in the living room of their house or that he won't show up earlier, the boy practically lives with them," Chenle continued groaning at their lack of planning little did he know they actually had all that sorted. "See that would be an issue if, I hadn't told him the wrong party time so his early will actually be on time, and if that wasn't enough I purposely forgot to buy drinks and snacks so that I could blindside Taeil so that he would ask our friendly neighbor to go with another friend to buy snacks and drinks," Spoke Chenle's soulmate with a smirk on her face. "That's actually pretty clever," Chenle muttered in response before smiling at his soulmate. "I knew you wouldn't have actually forgotten to buy the drinks and snacks!" Taeil said proudly, suddenly validated by this explanation. "You have to swear you won't introduce us though, ok Chenle?" Y/N said making the younger boy pinky promise with her that he wouldn't force them together. All the while him grumbling. Her soulmate did indeed show up late just as planned, she didn't even see him walk in even though his arrival was loudly proclaimed by several friends within the crowd when he showed up with the missing snacks and sodas. After all, she still didn't know his name, so other than being slightly confused it meant nothing to her when shouts of "Donghyuck! Jaemin! Haechan!" rang throughout the home, especially when there were only two people walking in. She shrugged it off and continued walking through the party. She didn't know he was there until she saw him out of the corner of her eye, or more accurately she saw the massive sunflower on his forearm as she walked out of the kitchen. The very tip of the flower was covered by his rolled-up sleeves but it was unmistakably the same as the one on her own forearm, carefully hidden by her long sleeve shirt. She searched the crowd for him, her eyes gazing over everyone until she spotted him again and her heart leaped into her throat, he was gorgeous and with that thought and her eyes grazing over his appearance fear crept into her heart, what if she wasn't really ready to meet him. She started to walk quickly towards the front door her head hanging down as she texted Chenle informing him she was leaving for some fresh air, right after she sent it she ran straight into someone nearly knocking them both over. "Sorry," She muttered softly not bothering to look up and then skirted around the mystery person and out the door. She only made it a few feet down the street before an arm grabbed her wrist and a familiar voice asked her gently to stop and as she turned back the first thing she noticed was the sunflower on his very exposed arm. He had been very upset that Taeil had asked him to run this last minute errand, he hated being late to his friend's party, but he'd been asked so he did. They'd called his name once he entered but all he'd really registered was the beautiful and unfamiliar girl in the back corner talking happily with Chenle, the birthday girl, and someone else he didn't know. He wondered for a moment if it could be her, his soulmate, but he shook his head and told him not to get his hopes up, besides Chenle would've been introducing them as fast as possible if it was. Either way that mysterious girl lingered in his mind throughout the rest of the party, especially because she just kept popping up, he just kept seeing her. His heart had stopped when he'd heard her voice, quiet amidst the crowd but no less recognizable as the voice that had stayed up with him until 3 am talking about their hopes and dreams, the same voice that had told him about how they'd changed their major and then gushed about art history and art for the next hour, the voice he had said I love you to so many times. He'd heard it the soft word, "sorry" from nearby when the mystery girl ran into Taeil as she headed towards the front door. He was frozen staring at the back of her head for a good minute before finally bolting out of the house, causing quite the scene he was sure, but his soulmate was more important than whether or not he caused a scene or not, he'd apologize to Taeil and his sister later. He looked down the street carefully trying to gauge where she'd gone when he saw her in the distance and immediately started running to catch up. Luckily for him, she hadn't made it far and so it was quite easy to catch up to her and grasp her wrist whispering the quite words "Please, wait," his heart stopped again when she turned to look at him and her eyes latched onto the sunflower on his exposed wrist, he knew then he'd been right, she was his soulmate. "You're beautiful," suddenly tumbled out of his mouth surprising both of them back into reality, at least for a moment, before she was sucked back in by the original sunflower. "I really like sunflowers," She blurted out just as quickly, just as randomly a few moments later when she slipped back into the stupor of having her soulmate, her incredibly attractive soulmate, right in front of her holding her wrist, she was just as lost as he was. "You wrote..." she began and her eyes fell to look at the ink still on his skin, he realized he was still holding her wrist at that moment and let it go quickly afraid of hurting her afraid of forcing her to do anything she didn't want to. He was surprised when her hand moved and her fingers ran over the skin of his forearm painted yellow and brown and orange and green with golden writing around it, golden but tragic words "But I'm a sunflower, a little funny, If I was a rose, maybe you'd want me," she read softly tracing each letter delicately. "I like sunflowers, I like a little funny, a little funny is better than the pricking of thorns against your fingers," She said softly before meeting his gaze again. A familiar feeling of weightlessness filled his chest, the same one that had filled his chest when she'd told him she'd buy him coffee and called him sugar for the first time. This was the third time she'd told him she loved him and how it made him want to fly to hear her say the same three words in such a beautiful way, more beautiful than he would ever be able to say them. "Why'd you leave early?" He questioned softly still far too caught up in her beauty and being told she loved him. "I saw the sunflower on your arm and got scared, it's one thing to believe you're ready and entirely another to be faced with the sudden reality of everything you've ever been afraid of and everything you've ever hoped for," She answered truthfully, she'd never lie to him. At that moment as they stared at each other they both realized a few fundamental truths, one she was not an Icarus fated to burn and fall and drown from flying too close to the sun, two he was not the sun he was not harsh and unreachable and overwhelming, three she was not the moon. No, she was the stars in the sky, she had so many sides and levels and hidden depths, she was a universe waiting to be explored and understood and loved, she was beautiful and wondrous and so expansive he would never know all of her and he, oh god he was the sky the delicate and ever-changing sky who shifted and changed to suit her better, bright and blue when she wished to be hidden, dark and velvety and warm when she needed to be seen. He highlighted her and made her shine and held her close and protected her. He filled in the cracks was the lines between her constellations and as they realized this she knew there was nothing to fear from him. He would not leave her with only broken reminders and beer bottles and the desire to fall off of tall buildings or disappear, he couldn't, he was so deeply intertwined with everything about her that he was stuck. He was so in love with her, so wrapped up in every wondrous detail he had and hadn't seen yet that there was no possible way he'd ever leave her. He was so uniquely himself and yet so wonderfully part of her and she was so uniquely herself and yet so wonderfully part of him. "How about we go for a walk, I'll buy you that bouquet and you can buy me that coffee," He suggested as he realized just how much he truly loved her. The surprise and shock and awe melted into a soft warmth that filled his chest, a warmth he could only compare to that first sip of coffee in the morning. "How about we get you a jacket first, you must be freezing," She said with a gentle laugh and a worried expression as she stared down at his exposed and goosebump-covered arms, though he'd claim from then on that half of the goosebumps were just from her touching him and the other half were from seeing her for the first time. "Who needs a jacket I have you," He replied with a gentle smirk and she bumped him slightly with a shy smile. "Would you go get a jacket if I told you I was cold?" She questioned already very aware of how he worked and thought and ticked, you got that way when you talked with someone every day and every night even when you hadn't met them. "Mmm, anything for my lovely cinnamon," He answered and smiled at her, "Come on then, let's go get you a jacket," He said and then gently grabbed her hand, intertwining his fingers with hers without a second thought and dragging her along towards his house. He led her quietly through the house towards his room and sat her on the bed before shuffling through his closet to find a jacket. It wasn't long before he did and he walked back over to her with it. "Nope, you should wear it," She said shaking her head as he tried to hand it to her. "I'll get warm just by you wearing it," She said softly and he tilted his head to the side in confusion, "Sugar, we're connected through our skin," She said tapping her nose lightly giving him a subtle hint. He grinned and chuckled softly before sliding the jacket on around himself before leading her back through the house and towards the closest flower shop. All the while smiling softly at how clever and caring his dear soulmate was. He bought her the very bouquet he'd told her about earlier and then they walked to a cafe nearby and she bought him and herself some coffee. Then they sat together at a table by the window and talked. "Why'd you stop writing on your arm for those weeks?" She asked after taking a sip of her coffee. "My Dad left my mom when I was 10, she was never the same after and hated it when I drew on my arm, that night when it stopped I got caught with ink on my arms and she was very drunk," He answered softly with a gentle shrug. "Why'd you suggest a tramp stamp for the tattoo?" He questioned gently with a slight smirk and the coffee mug resting in front of his face. "It would look nice there and it'd be something only we shared, plus I wanted to see how you'd react," She answered nonchalantly a gentle shrug of her arms and a light dancing in her eyes. It went on like this for quite some time they would talk and chat and ask questions. She told him about her aunt and her older siblings, about the recent adoption of Jeno, her new apartment, and so much more. He told her about his conversations with the moon, about the fun times with his neighbors, and that he really loved her scarf. He told her words of poetry that would've fit in on her skin, talked about stardust and how he could see it in her eyes. She answered him in her own poetic way told him that she used to think he'd look like everything she loved and everything she hated, but now meeting him he looked like all her dreams, he looked like her home, and like everything she'd ever missed had come back to her. A few hours later they finally stood to leave, they swapped numbers and then they began the journey to her flat. They walked hand in hand comfortable and silent the whole way as she leaned gently on him and he tried to stay focused on walking so as to not trip over his own feet because of her beauty. "I still don't know your name," He said as they stopped in front of her front door both of their hands clasped together, they chuckled softly at the realization, having stuck to the now familiar pet names instead. "Y/N," She answered softly with a smile dancing on her lips. "I'm Jaemin," He replied and they both chuckled slightly before silence fell over them. His right hand gently dropped her's and rose towards her cheek before landing gently his hand warm against her cold cheek, "Can I?" He questioned softly and she knew what he was asking, so instead of answering she rose slightly and let her lips meet his and nothing had ever been so perfect in their lives. Every fear or worry about love and soulmates they'd had melted away as they melted together. "It was wonderful to meet you cinnamon," He said when he pulled away, his words were soft and his gaze even softer. "Officially that is," He added with a wink. "We should do this again," She responded softly. "The date or the kissing because both can be arranged," He said with a smirk and she sighed a blush rising to her cheeks at the thought of that magical kiss they'd just shared and the ones waiting for her in the future. "Both would be good," She answered with a gentle smile before kissing him on the cheek and bidding him farewell before entering her flat. Immediately she slid down against the door a soft smile and rosy cheeks adorning her face. Oh god, what was this control he had over her, she thought softly to herself and was surprised to find similar words echoing back to her, just as he was surprised to hear her thoughts. They both smiled softly though. In the end, though that wasn't really farewell for them. No, that night they stayed up talking to each other once again. In fact, very little changed in their relationship from that night on other than that they saw each other in person quite often and they knew each other's names. Dates at the nearby cafe in the morning became an almost daily routine, some days he came with flowers other days with pens and other days with just himself. On the days he came with pens he drew images on her skin so that she could choose when to get rid of it and have the originals on her own skin every now and then. These were always her favorite drawings. The only reason they weren't daily was that once a week they brought the rest of their friends and built families to the cafe with them. It was one of those such days when the historic meeting of the eldest siblings occurred.   It was a few weeks later when it happened and they realized who the real Icarus of this story was and who the Moon really was. It was a few weeks later when the story truly came to a close everyone with their happiness in hand. She, Jaemin, Chenle, his soulmate, and Jeno were gathered at the nearby cafe that Taeil just so happened to work at and were waiting on Taeyong to spend some time with each other, their regular weekly family get together though Taeil and Taeyong were regularly absent for whatever reason, constantly missing each other. Nothing big happened until they were just about to leave and Taeyong took a good long look at the handwriting on the cup and then the barista behind the counter and then the handwriting and then the barista who happened to be a very confused Moon Taeil. Taeil looked between Taeyong and the party standing beside him, he was perplexed until all of that turned into a white pale surprise. "Where have I seen your handwriting before?" Taeyong said suddenly staring at Taeil who was now blank and frozen only broken out of his trance by his sister. "Holy shit," His younger sister muttered slightly looking between the two older brothers one a Lee and the other a Moon. Everyone waited the air frozen until Taeil spoke. "We might have a class together alternatively do the words tramp stamp mean anything to you?" Taeil said unable to stop the words slipping out of his mouth. Taeyong dropped the cup of coffee he was holding, thankfully it was empty so coffee didn't go splattering everywhere. "This is definitely not the context I thought this would have when it was finally said," Taeyong said looking from his wrist to the friendly barista he'd definitely thought was cute upon walking in here. "Wait are you her older brother?" Taeyong asked pointing to Chenle's soulmate the young Moon girl realizing that the only way any of this made sense was if there was a connection between the very cute barista and the young girl who was his sister's soulmate's neighbor. Taeil nodded and then asked a very similar question "Is she your younger sister?" pointing towards Jaemin's soulmate who was watching with a wide smile. Taeyong nodded in response. "So, let me get this straight, that one time I wrote on Jaemin cause he asked me to and I jokingly said sure because it might help me meet my soulmate, I was right?" Taeil questioned looking at the large group of frozen people all of them now nodding vigorously with dorky grins on their faces really happy for the two older males. "Xiumin I am taking the day off, I have just found my soulmate," Taeil said suddenly turning towards his manager who had been watching with growing confusion and interest. Xiumin nodded and gave one stipulation, an explanation the next time Taeil came to work, and then watched as his employee ran to the back changed as fast as possible and ran out to meet Taeyong. When they were standing next to each other Jaemin and Y/n both had a major revelation. Taeyong had always been the Icarus and Moon Taeil had always been the Moon and the Sea. Taeyong's roommate with the rainbow handprint on his arm had been the sun and when Taeyong had gotten too close he had fallen, right into Taeil, right into the kind and loving Sea guided by the moon a two-sided being often forgotten and hidden on the sidelines but no less beautiful. Someone Jaemin had trusted and told everything. Taeyong had fallen like Icarus but he would live on loved and cared for by the Sea and the Moon, who had caught him as he descended in fiery glory. "How do you feel about going to see a movie, right now?" Taeil asked after a moment of just staring at his extremely attractive soulmate. Taeyong could only nod in response, before leading Taeil out of the cafe and in the direction of the movie theater. "Looks like everyone gets a happy ending," Jaemin said with a soft smile before looking at his soulmate and giving her a quick kiss on the forehead. "You missed jerk," She replied and quickly kissed him on the lips. "I'm glad I found you." "I'm glad you let me," He responded softly smiling at her, both of them very ready for whatever came their way, for nothing could pull them apart.

(again not my gif!)

A/N so this is officially the end of the series! I hope you liked it! If not oh well sorry I tried! If y’all want to see the exact text conversation between Chenle and Y/N go ahead and ask and I’ll post it. Send any requests for new ideas I’ll do pretty much any group you want, but it’ll take longer and be crappier if it’s a group I don’t know. 

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10 things about my WIP

I got tagged by @daisytje , an awesome writer and a great friend, to write 10 things about my WIP. Thank you for the tag, my dear <3

I will talk about WIP of Ruthless Calculus. Its main focus is on the relationship between Terra Shepard and Steven Hackett.

1. 2.5 years. I’ve been writing this story on and off for two and a half years already and perhaps it will take me just as long to finish it.

2. I started it in er-form. After 20 pages, I finally admitted I am not able to write in nothing else but ich-form (first person POV) and had to rewrite it. 

3. Rare pair hell. Do I need to say more? I wish there was just one option to flirt with Hackett, but alas. 

4. Kickass lady engineer. When I was a teenager, my mother sent me and my sister to girl scouts. Even voicing out loud I fancy math and physics gave side glances at best. Since that time (more than 20 years later), I am still looking for more portrayal of women in engineering, because I still feel like I am on my own most of the time. And therefore, Terra Shepard is the kickass engineer I always wanted to read about.

5. Terra Shepard is both War Hero and Sole Survivor. Terra always had a hard time making friends -- it was in basics when she finally found friends she could trust. Together, they spent their shore leave on Elysium -- and together they successfully defend it against batarians. When Terra was thrown in the spotlight afterwards, she thought they were the only ones she could turn to. Losing them on Akuze crushed her.  Which brings me to another point...

6. It’s a story about loneliness. Being on top of one’s game, together with the burden of command is a lonely life. During the events of ME2, she is surrounded by crew she cannot trust. In ME3 she is seen as the only one who can defeat the Reapers. Terra feels isolated, surrounded only by people who follow and admire her. She misses a person who would be her equal. In my story, she found her equal in Hackett.

7. Admiral Hackett is underrated. It’s easy to dismiss his role in ME3 as a “mission-giver”, yet think about what he accomplishes -- he oversees the building of the Crucible (just the level of security the project needs must be staggering) and is head of the Alliance Navy. After Udina’s death, I HC the Council sees him as Udina’s replacement, even if no official announcement was released.

8. I am not fond of Liara. Not a very popular opinion, I know. But I feel like BioWare forced her in my face in every game of the trilogy. And talking to her in ME1 is so cringeworthy -- Terra could not say one word without Liara hanging on her every word. And romanced Liara in ME2 on Illium is the epitome of “I could not let you go”. 

9. And I am not fond of Tali either. I have a love-hate relationship with Tali. On one hand, I love her for her engineering skills and her backstory -- especially her strained relationship with her father. On the other ... she often comes as whiny and immature to me. When she was made Admiral, she admitted accepted did it because “it was the kind of thing Commander Shepard would do.” Girl, you are an Admiral now, you have to think for yourself. 

10. Not everybody’s happily ever after involve children. I get it, majority of love stories portray couples in love who want to get married and have children. But Terra doesn’t want to have children and is annoyed as hell by all the so-called reporters who ask her when will she become a mother.

I am tagging @ainzaphir, @ripley95things , @ripley95things , @starsandskies , @cullenstairshenanigans and @blustersquall . No obligation, OK?

[douxreviews]

Arrow - ‘Past Sins’ Review

“You can’t stop the past from haunting you.”

Three cases of Daddy Issues and one huge dollop of moral ambiguity. One of these things is not like the other.

Family relationships, particularly parental relationships, have been a recurring theme for this show. So revisiting Oliver and now Emiko’s complicated relationship with their father should come as no surprise. I’m all for it. Robert Queen’s love for Oliver and Thea was obvious despite his other failings. His feelings towards Emiko were more convoluted. His obligations towards Emiko are undisputed regardless of his actions. However, this did not stop him from abandoning her or her mother in the face of what we assume were Moira’s demands. The fallout from Robert’s decision and its effect on both Oliver and Emiko certainly warrants a deeper dive.

I am less impressed with the execution. Robert Queen’s legacy has seesawed between hero and villain throughout the years due to either the poor memory or deliberate retconning of the writers. In the first season, we learned Robert accidentally killed a councilman. His guilt over that death was the domino that allowed Malcolm to rope first Robert and then Moira into the Undertaking. In season five Adrian Chase delivers the councilman’s cement encased body to Oliver. He is reluctant to believe Robert is capable of such a thing, conveniently forgetting he watched his father shoot Dave Hackett in cold blood. After recovering footage of the councilman’s death, Oliver called a press conference and publicly admitted it. So explain to me why the journalist referred to Robert Queen as a hero? And why would Oliver not at least acknowledge what he announced two years before?

Emiko’s conflicting opinions regarding both her father and her half-brother are understandable though no less problematic. Emiko’s claim that the Queen family destroys everything it touches is borne out by fact. The series is littered with victims of the Queen family’s love, from those that survived such as McKenna Hall, Roy, Slade, and even William, to those that didn’t like Tommy, Shado, Laurel, Billy Malone, and Samantha Clayton. Yet if Emiko resents her father so much why return to his gravestone time and time again? And if she believes Oliver is a spoiled Trust Fund Brat why go through so much trouble to emulate him? We still have no answers but since Emiko’s agreed to talk to Oliver, we may get some soon.

Laurel’s Daddy issues are two-fold. First, we see how the guilt over her real father’s death led to her descent into villainy, discovering that the drunk driver who killed Earth-2’s Quentin was Black Siren’s first victim. Finding him walking and talking on Earth-1 dredges up her anger for the man who stole her father away and the guilt she feels for sending her Dad out to meet his fate. On the other hand, the desire to live up to the Earth-1 version of her father gave her the aspiration to be better. She may still lean toward the more expedient methods instead of the legal ones but at least she’s trying. It also doesn’t hurt that Felicity has her back.

Laurel and Felicity’s relationship is becoming one of my favorites. What started as a matter of convenience has developed into a legitimate friendship in spite of either Felicity’s or Laurel’s intentions. It’s as if Laurel’s road to redemption has met up with Felicity’s path to pragmatism. I won’t go fully out on a limb and say Felicity is no longer a hero but the version of her presented in the flash forwards no longer seems quite so farfetched. Regardless, at the moment it is the most nuanced relationship on the show and I’m loving it.

Like Laurel, the death of Sam Hackett’s father has left him in a dark place. It appears Sam spent years refusing to accept his father’s death. It’s not an outrageous belief considering both Oliver and Sara made it off the boat alive. Why not hold out hope? Then he hacked Oliver’s Slabside transcripts and discovered his father’s murder and Oliver covered it up. Sam’s reaction, indefensible though it may be, gives even more credence to Emiko’s belief in the destructiveness of the Queen family. It never occurred to Oliver that Sam might need closure let alone that he had an obligation to provide it. It is a failing that Oliver never thinks of the consequences until they land forcibly on his doorstep.

Speaking of consequences, is there any way that the story of Diaz and Dante ends well? I thought not. The fact Curtis is preaching the moral gospel to Diggle is the first clue. And for all Lyla’s bluster last week, she fell in line pretty quickly. I must admit this version of the Suicide Squad, I’m sorry, Ghost Initiative is far more intimidating than the previous incarnation. It’s one reason I fell for Curtis’ untimely demise. All things considered, I should not have been fooled, especially after Diaz’s dig about Curtis being some kind of genius. Unfortunately, the inconsistency with which they’ve written Curtis over the last two years gave them enough wiggle room that the virtual version of events seemed plausible. I was still happy to be wrong and I look forward to learning what Curtis “calling his own shots” means.

This episode focused far more on character than plot. The means to catch Dante and the introduction of a new and mysterious threat being the only forward progression. Normally the focus on character would thrill me. However, the inconsistencies gave me pause.

2.5 out 5 virtual realities

Parting Thoughts:

This episode marks David Ramsey’s directorial debut. Congrats!

The journalist was on the phone when he was attacked and he never made it to dinner with his wife yet didn’t look for him till the next morning?

Glad to see Nick back on his feet again. I bet Curtis is too.

Will Felicity’s security system lead to something specific in the present or is just the first step towards future Felicity’s Smoak Enterprises?

If Oliver is really on the side of the law, he should stop entering through windows and destroying private property.

There’s also something called warrants he, and Dinah for that matter, need to become acquainted with.

Quotes:

Felicity: “You were amazing. You were genuine and heartfelt and amazing, and for a second there, I almost believed that you liked Laurel." Oliver: “I almost do.”

Lyla: “Tell us about a challenge that you’ve worked to overcome.” Cupid: “Well, the love of my life rejected me... For a blonde."

Curtis: “What the hell is going on? China White, Spawn of Slade, and now Cupid? It’s like the Ghost of Villains Past in here.”

Laurel: “Oh, please. I don’t have a problem with alcohol, maybe the first thing I managed to one-up your Laurel on.”

Curtis: “There has to be a better way.” Diggle: “I wish there was.”

Laurel: “Hypothetically-" Felicity: “Ok. Let me stop you right there because we both know that ‘hypothetically’ means this is definitely happening.”

Diaz: “Mr. Terrific. It’s been a while, my friend. You look a little nervous. Is that because the last time we met I had my knife in your gut?”

Felicity: “You should be flattered. I only stop people that I like.”

Cupid: “I love it when a plan comes together.” (She is way too young for the A-Team)

Curtis: “A.R.G.U.S thanks you for your cooperation.”

Dinah: “You think you’re gonna do one interview and all of the sudden, your problems go away overnight?”

Curtis: “Well, I’m happy to make Diaz’s life miserable anytime anywhere.”

Dinah: “A stalker from a different Earth. Of course. Why wouldn't there be?”

Shari loves sci-fi, fantasy, supernatural, and anything with a cape

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

Notes on SPN 14.02

So! I saw 14.01 yesterday, which was for the most part, surprisingly, a blast, and since I have a bit of free time today I thought I’d keep a hold of the momentum and watch and liveblog 14.02 as well. I’ve heard it’s one of those Buckleming plot-a-paloozas, but I’ll try my best to provide semi-reasonable commentary instead of incoherent ranting.

Right. As always, typing this post up as I watch. SPOILERS for the episode ahead.

1. We start with a recap of last season’s finale, and Show, do you really want to remind us this many times about that wire-fight?

1.25. Show’s lore regarding possession has been dizzyingly inconsistent, but the more I think about it, the less sense it makes to me that Nick is alive? Because Nick couldn’t actually house Lucifer for very long in s5—he was deteriorating, which was why Lucifer needed Sam so urgently. The last we saw of Nick, he was dead/dying in a dingy room in Detroit, when Lucifer jumped ship to Sam. Even if Lucifer assumed Nick’s visage in the Cage and afterwards when he was brought back, Nick-the-person with Nick-memories and Nick-feelings isn’t there anymore.

1.255. So what does this mean? Like, if this was explained away sometime over the last two seasons--I’m very sorry, I really wasn’t paying a lot of attention to large chunks of them—please let me know. If there’s no explanation, then has Lucifer disappeared inside a Nick-construct? Did he use a loophole to escape the worst of the Archangel Blade right at the moment Dean plunged it into his side? Lucifer was “human” for a while in s13, iirc. Did he have enough “human” to hide behind and recover? And has he filled that human with the memories/personality of one of the humans he knew best? Is it because he spent centuries assuming Nick’s body in the Cage that he’s most comfortable being him here?

… I don’t know. Maybe I’m missing something obvious, but, hey, it’s fun to speculate.

2. We start off with people artfully tied up in an artfully derelict church illuminated artfully by artful lightning.

… *groans* I hope we aren’t getting a torture scene already.

2.25. Well, Michael’s certainly chirpier than he was last episode.

2.5. Is he trying to make new angel minions, is that it, by feeding them blood and his grace? Leaving aside the lack of creativity in the mechanism, the whole thing kind of makes a weird sense. Michael is looking for those with purity of purpose—among religious leaders (and refugees, apparently), angels, and then finally monsters—and rejecting those ‘poisoned’ by nuance and experience and supposed sin. After all, no being whose wants are even slightly more complex than ‘food’ is going to be a perfect follower.

It also plays into his assholey, self-righteous personality and, well, god-complex.

(Dean would’ve appreciated this quest for pure purpose.)

3. There’s a kind of sitcom-y vibe to this little expository scene: Bobby talks shit about angels only for Castiel to walk in with a quirked eyebrow; the group talks about Jack and Lucifer only for Jack to walk in and go, “hey, you talkin bout my father again?”

(these are the tiny ways I feel SPN is at cross-purposes with its own theme of ‘found family’. Everybody’s obsessed with blood relations, to the point that Lucifer and Jack are constantly referred to as ‘father and son’ when there is no need to bring that relationship up. Last year, even Castiel referred to Jack while talking to Lucifer as ‘your son’ without any prompting from Satan. Words are so powerful, and so revealing.)

3.45. Castiel “as you know, Bob”-ing is hilarious. Oh, Buckleming.

3.5. Um, not to dismiss or compare Castiel’s considerable trauma at the hands of Lucifer, but is anybody going to acknowledge even once that Sam, who appears to have taken the brunt of caring for Nick so far, is also going to have trouble looking into his abuser’s face??

4. Nick continues to make no sense to me.

(I like little touches like Castiel telling him that he needs to remind himself to eat.)

4.5. I kinda like this scene, sue me. It makes sense to me that Nick would obsess over and over again about how he could’ve let himself say yes to Lucifer, although Lucifer is as old as time and had all the power in that situation. The ‘monster’ bit is a little too on-the-nose for me, but I like it. Really drives home what an intimate, horrifying violation possession is and how scarred and twisted it can leave the survivor who spirals down a well of undeserved guilt and self-loathing.

I wish Sam was the one talking to him now, or was at least present. He’d talked in the previous scene about how Nick was only ‘housing’ and deserved a chance to rebuild his life, and that hard-earned generosity of spirit would’ve been a balm to all three of them, I think.

5. ETA on the TOD, Bobby? *sporfle* Seriously though, I love this role-reversal: usually it’s Bobby who’s rolling his eyes at SamnDean’s eff-bee-eye shenanigans.

5.25. Ah, but where this Bobby has become an expert now is in telling the difference between smiting patterns!

5.5. I wonder if trying to appear non-threatening is just Sam’s default whenever he meets with, uh, ‘civilians’.

6. I really, honestly hate that the Bunker just happens to have ‘lore books’ on whatever the hell random question they’re having that day. I just kinda hate the Bunker in general, now that I think about it.

6.25. But doesn’t that ‘human component’ (lol) make a Nephilim strong enough to take down even archangels?

6.5. As pep talks go, that wasn’t bad. A few notes:

a) there’s an earnestness to the words that I’m sure that Castiel learned from Sam.

b) I think this is the first time that Castiel—or anybody—has referred to the events of 8.23 as “The Great Fall”. It’s interesting that it’s already gotten a name among angelkind and that Castiel would call it that, given how close he was to the events that led to it.

c) I want to both laugh and cry at Castiel’s assertion that Sam and Dean were there for him after he lost his grace. He was mostly left to fend for himself, obviously, but there’s no space for that in a pep talk.

d) Sometimes it’s easy to forget that Jack is actually just only a year old. Asking him not to dwell on something so… immediate is a tall ask.

7. Ok, so that was a nice snappy little counterpart to Lucifer-talking-to-Sam-in-the-mirror from the s5 finale. I like how Michael is blunt and matter-of-fact while Lucifer relished in the moment, bragged about how he’d had Sam’s number all his life, and seduced him with violent revenge. This is nice.

I don’t know, guys, I’m really enjoying this episode so far!

8. Sooooo Lucifer is residing in some subconscious layer of Nick’s mind? Is this PTSD shaped by his possession? Is Lucifer bleeding through his own construct? Are we going to find that it was actually Nick who killed his own family? (I think we are.)

8.2. Castiel looking for residual Lucifer in Nick reminds me of when he was doing the same for Sam re: Gadreel, and that reminds me of Dean’s ‘teen mom’ joke from that episode and now I’m pissed off.

8.5. Nick is fascinating, but is he fascinating enough that I care about his little revenge sub-plot? Eh. Jury’s out. Plus I just can’t stand the actor anymore

9. Sam’s just kinda there to move the plot along. Give him some more character moments, episode!

10. Michael reminded me of Dean in the scene with the werewolf. I’m really not getting a capital P personality from Michael, though that may be due to a personal choice. Or maybe because Michael was never a distinct character to begin with, and this is far more noticeable when Ackles plays it and ‘Dean’ threatens to take over any minute.

Or going meta for a second—maybe Michael’s deliberately infusing some Dean into his persona. Possession isn’t simply putting a thing inside a box: both entities are influenced and informed by the other, but only one has all the power.

11. … ok, so my interest in this Nick subplot is rapidly decaying. Nick did it. He killed his family. It’s not a mystery.

11.5. The emotional dynamics of this scene… checks out, actually. Of course Nick is projecting all his rage on Castiel. And of course Castiel regrets destroying Jimmy Novak’s life the most. More than toeing the party line and being instrumental in almost bringing the Apocalypse about in s4; more than releasing the Leviathan; more than trusting Metatron in s8; more than killing his brethren, who’ve tortured him back and tried to kill him on more than one occasion. But Castiel has been both angel and human—both possessing and being possessed—long enough that he’s intimately aware of the devastation it leaves both within and without. And there are no excuses for the way he and other angels have done that damage—so carelessly, so casually. Even the most well-intentioned angels are deceptive and manipulative and give not a second thought about their hapless vessels. It’s a sign of Castiel’s growth and compassion that he recognises his responsibility in this and that he invokes Jimmy’s name with both reverence and regret. In all this shouting and crying that Show doesn’t acknowledge the deep-seated trauma of possession survivors, this is actually a great moment.

12. That werewolf leader looks familiar. Has the actor been on SPN before? He kinda reminds me of one of the leads on Suits.

12.5. That’s a lot of clunky dialogue, but Michael is basically confirming what I speculated in point 2. Cool.

13. How Jack managed to get away and find his grandparents is never explained, but that’s a familiar Buckleming trope—characters are put together in a scene without any regard to how it might connect to other scenes or how/why those characters might’ve gotten there.

13.2. That said, it’s kinda poignant that Jack, having lost his angelic powers, is now trying to understand the human side of his heritage. He’s trying his best to adapt to his situation; this one year old kid is more well-adjusted than most of the adults on this show.

13.5. Well, holy shit, Jack talking about Kelly to his grandparents is just… making me feel emotional in a way this show hasn’t made me feel in a long, long time. This Calvert kid is good.

13.6. It is bizarre that Kelly’s parents are mostly ok with not knowing Kelly’s whereabouts for over a year—I don’t think we ever found out what position exactly Kelly held in the President’s office, and I can picture them in a bit of denial by telling themselves the reason they haven’t heard from Kelly is because she is in the middle of super-secret government work. I don’t know! But it’s just about handwave-able though, and their scene with Jack is worth it.

14. Honestly, Castiel, how did he travel so far and for so long without you noticing? So much for “Don’t worry, Sam, I will babysit this defenceless creature.”

(Speaking of Sam, wheeeerrreee’s Saaaaammmm)

“I suppose there are worse ways to be human than to be kind.”

“Have you heard from Sam?”

I LOVE YOU, JACK.

14.5. No, actually, Dean wouldn’t want it any other way. He said as much when Gadreel took over Sam completely back in s9.

15. Shoo, Nick.

16. FINALLY MORE SAM. With only like 4 minutes of episode left. What, Show, did you think you spoiled us too much last episode with all that glorious, glorious Sam content?

16.25. And finally a bit of action! The rapid-fire editing is making my head hurt, though.

16.5. Soooooooooooooo Dean’s back? Obviously Michael is playing a long game here, but it says something about the show that they can’t keep Dean away for more than two episodes without getting the shakes. I honestly miss Sera Gamble and her desire to rattle the status quo: in s6, she kept the so-called ‘real’ Sam away for half the season, which gave us imo some of the best storytelling, characterisation and acting from both Padalecki and Ackles in the entire show. In s7 she took away all the Winchester markers: the Impala, weird motel rooms, Bobby’s house. Of course, after she left the show settled back into a familiar rut (substituting Bobby’s house with that thrice-damned Bunker). I wish the show would take risks with these two again. s9 and the beginning of s10 were so very promising but there was no follow-through.

I guess they want to MotW fillers for a few episodes and that would be weird without SamnDean SamnDeaning it in the Impala, but Show, why don’t you just say ‘fuck it’ and try weird on for size? What do you have to lose? I mean, seriously?

17. Nick’s the murderer—called it!

18. This wasn’t terrible, you guys. 95% of the episode was just people sitting around having conversations, the dialogue was clunky, ideas derivative, scenes progressed without any rational links between them, the pacing was wonky, and there was too much exposition. But the emotional beats were solid and the set up is reasonably intriguing. I’ve seen far, far worse BuckLeming episodes.

Pacing is a real issue in this season, though. And Michael is not remotely intimidating as a threat.

[overbakedone]

1

this is the first time i've ever started writing my thoughts and feelings anywhere before. this is not easy.

instead of writing things and then deleting it all because its not good enough or it sounds stupid i'm just going to write it now and stop backspacing. i guess i should start with where i am in life right now so there is some perspective.

im 25, im a bakers apprentice, i live with my parents, i have a girlfriend, lets call her ‘C’ who for the first time feels right to me despite everything, i barely have any friends, they don't ever want to see me, i don't have much time in my life right now, i work all night and struggle to fit sleep into my schedule. but things are really the best they have ever been for me. i just started an AFL 9′s competition, weird i usually have no confidence going into these things and will either quit after the first practice or not even show up, i really kinda enjoyed it and am excited for next week.

i've wanted to start writing anything for a few months now, i guess now i have some time. time is so fucked up, i wish there was more of it, i wish i could sleep without wasting my day, i wish i didn't have to compromise sleep for everything but i do, i guess its part of being a baker, its a job i am loving and i think i've found my life passion but it has its ups and downs. my partner C expects a lot of my time i guess, she can be very needy at times, demanding almost, sometimes i feel pressured by her to sacrifice my sleep, personal plans and hobbies and interests for her, but i know what she feels, she wants the same thing i do. she has problems making friends, or keeping friends, she feels isolated and alone, and she wants my companionship, and i want that too and despite anything i feel in the moment i always feel happy about her at the end of the day.

i should be grateful for the relationship i am in right now, i really should be grateful for a lot of stuff, my parents for allowing me to stay here still, being so supportive and also allowing and accepting of me and really tolerant of the shit i do. ok so i do smoke week every day right so that's already something to do at home that's difficult, i'm pretty sure they know and don't care or even agree that my life has been better since i started smoking, fuck i used to be on antidepressants, i took one every day at a certain time, it made me feel a bit better, ok sounds just like smoking right, expect when i didn't take this pill i got nausea, headaches, severe episodes of depression, i couldn't eat my appetite was so fucked up i was eating one meal a day and it was like a piece of bread or takeaway food. since the smoking started i've found some actual passion in life, i don't feel like a useless number anymore i guess.

one of the things on my mind always is my friends, since i was in highschool i havent really had a group of friends, i feel like i am a social person but then when it comes to it i feel like i just get burned. a lot of my old friends turned out to be secretly hating me and not wanting me around, some sort of pity friendship, i was an asshole in my time and honestly was not a good friend myself, do you pay for the dumb shit you do as a teenager, the people you fuck over go from your life completely yet new people you meet do the same things to you like they know. i had/have a long term best friend, J, we had been mates for years, we worked at my old job dominoes together for a bit, and kinda hung out a few times, but not until we got into PC gaming together did we form a bond. after that we would chat every day, play games together, watch the footy together, go places even though he lived across the city from me. one thing that changed massively in my life was i quit drinking alcohol, and then i felt like all my friends both disagree with my choice and resent me for it, like for some reason i have to take the same drugs they are taking at that time to be their friends. so J has just grown more and more distant, i get that we are older now, we both have partners, jobs that take a lot of our time, but then when we hang out or talk he seems disinterested, more interested with his friends that i introduced him to (from our discord server) and has seemingly replaced me, none of these guys i really like at all, in fact the only one of the new group i like is the one girl in it because she actually has interesting things to say.

fuck that was a paragraph, i guess i should talk about alcohol.

alcohol has fucked up my life, i cant repair the mistakes and stupid things i did while drinking alcohol, so they are there, i guess its just talking about it left. to start off, when i drink alcohol i have a hard time finding my limit, i feel like i swing from nothing to completely blacked out, puking, sobbing and basically hating myself very quick, i feel sick for days after drinking, barely able to eat, leave bed, move, i feel so nauseous and tired, its so fucked up what it does to your body, but oh your mind is even worse. i've broken off relationships, cheated, threatened people, gotten into fights, brawls, got my arm broken, hurt myself repeatedly, gotten arrested and a criminal record that may prevent me from going to canada next year, and is currently delaying booking flights, ive missed work, shown up drunk same clothes no shower to work, but the main thing that alcohol does to me is makes me sad. alcohol makes me so fucking sad, it makes me reach into the deepest pits i can think of and brings out all the emotions that are in there, my ex being the main one. every time i used to drink id think of her, call her, text her, go on her facebook, look up her instagram her twitter, fuck it drive my car to her house to see if her cars there like that does anything or means anything just fucking alcohol is so stupid. i never want to feel like that again, i never want to sabotage my life, sabotage and self destruct my relationships, but i guess losing my friends is the thing i have to take in consideration. australia is a fucked up place, where drinking heavily is the social norm and if you don't get fucked up or even have a beer with mates you're a loser.

i just want a deep connection with my friends. when i was in newcastle with my partner, i  met her friends there that she had been living with, despite the fucked up things that happened to her there, she lost a lot of friends herself and a long time friend, had trouble finding new ones, trouble fitting in, the friends she had there were the most honest and truly welcoming, connecting people ive met, and i miss that. i miss having a friend you can just, go over to their place, sit around for 3-4 hours talking shit, laughing, listening to music, relaxing and sharing stories and shit. weird that people can have such an effect on you in a short time. the life i live here is full of making plans, only for them to be cancelled, inviting friends over, for nobody to show up, cancelled plans all the fucking time, i've never been asked to just come over and chill, never its always some group thing that i'm invited to as well. i even try talking to them about this, i told a group of girl friends i have, i miss you all and haven't seen you in so long, we need to have a casual hangout, and the message was almost completely ignored, i asked them all to come to mind to watch the grand final, the house was free, i got a big projector screen, big comfy couch, live central right in the middle of everyone, nobody even replied or brought it up again, yet the second someone else that lives in the far corners of perth brought it up everyone started chatting about their plan to go. so if that's not my friends making it obvious they don't want to see me, they only include me then thats fucked up. i don't know what to say, this happens all the time, my 21st birthday i invited 65 people, and less than 15 people showed up. its hard to keep trying, always trying, i always try to make social events, i always ask friends what they are doing, when they can see me, make plans, they get cancelled, they are busy, they say they're coming then don't show up, most of the time i never hear a word too, they just dont show and don't even apologize, is that a fair thing to do, yeah sometimes i dont go to my friends events, i'm too fucking tired or just don't feel like going, somethings come up, i tell them straight away i cant make it i'm sorry this has come up, yet i don't get the same courtesy.

am i an unlikable person

the guys at work seem to like me, so i started a baking apprenticeship, basically i started watching great british bake off and picked it up as a hobby, making cakes and stuff, actually i should go back. so i used to work in some shitty small software company in the city, 9-5, peak hour traffic, office drama, workplace bullies, understaffed, overworked, red tape and bullshit everywhere, i quit after 2.5 years for mental health reasons, i made a lot of money but had to move on, so i spent a year off , it was only supposed to be a few months, go on a holiday road trip with my then partner, S, she broke up with me via a text message right after eagles lost to melbourne at home, basically the footy game was more disappointing, we had a shit relationship, i think i resented her, i cheated on her, yeah i'm an awful person and deserve everything, she was an emotionally manipulative person, terrified of her own body and sex, tried to dominate my life and change me, im glad we broke up. so i stayed unemployed for a long time, over a year, barely looking, until i found this baking apprenticeship, not only did i apply for the job and write a completely custom cover letter (im so fucking lazy i usually close a job application the second it requires anything more than an apply button) AND i called back a few weeks later when i heard nothing, well turns out that call landed me the job, the apprentice they hired instead of me was useless, had no passion and was a slow worker. so i got the job, and basically have been killing it ever since, i get a lot of praise at work (lots of criticism too) baking is one of those things that takes time, its all about time, so i got a lot to learn but i am actually confident once in my life, holy shit i have a job i like and am good at. is this the dream?> lol 

so today i started writing my feelings down, and its kinda felt good, but i'm exhausted now, and my fingers hurt, so this is the end of my first post, i hope nobody reads it, its really just for me but i don't know. 

thanks for listening   i guess 

[stormsbourne]

uhhhh with spoilers tho why was infinity war bad?

spoils + long post under cut

so I think the single scene that caps off how bad infinity war is is that thanos has captured gamora and forced her to tell him where the last infinity stone is. thanos, if you’ve forgotten, took gamora from her home – there’s an earlier scene that shows him grooming her as he kills half her planet – and spent her entire life pitting her and nebula against each other for his amusement and to “make them strong” in pretty much textbook abusive ways. but for some goddamn reason, the movie then shows thanos being a fucking whiny baby about gamora’s hatred of him.

gamora: [referring to thanos’ throne] I always hated this chairthanos: yes, I’ve heard that beforegamora: and I hated this roomthanos: you have said as muchgamora: and I hated youthanos: *sad baby face* :’(

anyway thanos and gamora are going after this stone. it’s about halfway through the movie at this point

double hitler red skull shows up as the guardian of the stone and also a weird dementor and tells thanos that in order to get the stone he has to sacrifice something that he loves more than anything. gamora starts laughing. she tells him that this is his just deserts, that the universe has put up a wall here to thwart him because he is incapable of loving anyone or anything so the stone will never be his. he turns around to face her and he’s crying. “tears, really?” she demands. “they’re not for him” doublenazi red skull says

there’s a very long sequence of thanos grabbing gamora by the wrist in a deliberate parallel to the earlier scene where he took baby gamora by the hand. he yanks her over to this cliff edge and throws her off, crying the whole time. poor sad abuse man. has to kill his victim. it must be hard. we see her fall. then we get a loving fucking 30 second money shot of her dead body at the bottom of this chasm just to really drive home how tragic it is. 

(baby gamora is later used at the end of the movie once thanos wins to reassure him it was worth it)

I knew this movie was gonna be a problem before then but this was The Scene where I knew it was the second worst movie marvel had made. 

in addition to all of this here are some other points

Thanos’ “sympathetic motivation” is stupid. if you haven’t been spoiled on this yet his motivation is that he wants everything to be “in balance” and he’s motivated by overpopulation, which is a racist + classist myth perpetuated by those in power to promote xenophobia. thanos’ goal is to eliminate half of every sentient species in the universe to ensure nobody is ever poor or suffering again, somehow, and also to ensure that the universe doesn’t run out of resources 

oh but it’s ok! the genocide is random! no racial or class overtones here we just flip a coin for everybody! random genocides are the best genocides!

I don’t want to sound like one of those people who soapboxes about how narratives have to tell us the badguy is bad but I honestly don’t think the movie does enough to communicate that thanos is wrong and also fucking crazy. there’s a few people like “oh thanos how can you be sure” and “thanos we make these choices and that’s what matters” but almost no one ever hears his plan and tells him “you are crazy and that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever fucking heard, you delusional fucking weirdo” 

he wins btw which wouldn’t be bad taken on its own but like, why does he not use his magical glove macguffin to make resources infinite and the universe an actual utopia instead of killing half of everybody

two significant, named characters die in the first 10 minutes before the opening screen even shows up, without any sort of buildup 

the soul gem plot even without all the ooh sad abuser shit is such a fucking nothing burger, you have all these weird and intricate things that involved entire plots of movies and weird shit that’s only barely a gem at all like the aether from thor 2 and then you have Fantasy Trope 101 oh you gotta kill somebody to get the rock! you gotta do it! but it’s sad and this strange dementor not-hitler is here to make sure it’s sad!

the black panther cast is in it for approximately 20 minutes total out of the like, 3 hour runtime. (aside: I actually saw BP and IF on the same day and holy balls was that a high to low sliding scale)

the movie ends with roughly 2/3 of the main cast being turned to dust by thanos winning but because we know none of it is going to stick because they have sequel movies and this is comics-based, it just feels pointless. it feels like a waste of time. it feels like they dragged out into 2.5 hours what could have been done in 20 minutes 

speaking of thanos winning it is exhausting to watch. it feels like the movie is kicking you over and over and every time it starts to let you get up a bigger dude comes in and kicks you instead. nobody likes to watch a movie where the villain wins over and over and over without so much as a setback. thanos starts OUT too powerful for anybody to stop so the entire movie just becomes him stomping all over everybody over and over and over again. we start out the movie with him doing it. we end the movie with him literally undoing an emotional climax moment in order to make sure he wins. oh you destroyed the mind gem? no big deal I’ll just rewind time zoooooop ok we good! I win! *little kid voice* you can’t kill me I rewound time and actually I won 10 minutes ago!

ok this one is kind of petty but someone pointed out valkyrie isn’t even in this movie and now it’s consuming me, you give ant-man and hawkeye one-off lines about why they’re not here but you can’t even be like “oh yeah valkyrie took some of our people and escaped” (we’re gonna come back to this in like 2 seconds keep it iin mind)

random annoyance: peter quill peacocking over gamora because thor is hot and he feels threatened, I hate peter quill

other random annoyance: thor your ship got fucking blown up, how did thanos only kill half your people, are the other half on his ship now?

I honestly just like, cannot fucking stress how bad the thanos and gamora shit is, how fucking horrifying it is, how we’re expected to feel sympathy for this man who literally fucking disassembled nebula to torture her to get gamora to do what he wants. oh it’s ok though. he loves gamora in his way you see. it’s fine. it’s fine! it’s fine. it’s fine. i t s f i n e : )

does the rest of the world just not realize how horrifying that is?!?!?!?!?!?!?

the vision/scarlet witch ship is like an emotional crux of the whole movie and it just. it just doesn’t work. it just doesn’t.

the plot thread with the hulk is probably going to be resolved in avengers 2019 since iirc bruce survived but as it is it feels unfinished and dangling

speaking of survivors we gotta have that man angst, we’ll turn a 17 year old boy to dust but tony’s gotta look sad about it

like fam I love tony angst but he has had ENOUGH jesus CHRIST rdj only barely wants to be involved with this franchise anymore anyway let him be free. maybe he’ll actually die in avengers 2019

it feels like it undoes a bunch of things from the previous movies which on one hand who cares! it’s all gonna be rewound anyway! but on the other hand FUCK you. the asgardian refugees are all fucking dead now. black panther’s cast exists for like 20 minutes and its setting is there pretty much just so the aliens can fuck up someplace that isn’t new york for once. rocket’s epiphany at the end of gotg2? who cares we’ve got snark to dispense! can’t have him act like he learned anything, that’d take away from his ability to be a dick to peter! 

uh I think I’m out of steam for now but that’s my list of why I hated the movie. it had some good moments and a lot of the character interactions were great, especially literally every scene involving spiderman, but you could have fucking jewels and if you bury them in shit they are still going to stink

[natsbigfight]

One step forward, two steps back.

Today seemed to be the best day to sit down and write, its cold and rainy outside so I am tucked up in front of the fire with my laptop. Where to start…

On the 5th July I arrived at the hospital around lunchtime feeling quite nervous for some reason. It seemed silly at the time but maybe I was just sensing the long journey I had ahead of me. As I was taken into theatre my nerves increased until it was clear to the nurses and doctors that I wasn’t doing too well so they gave me a dose of IV Lorazepam to calm me down. As I drifted off to sleep I thought to myself – it’s ok, this is a quick and fairly simple procedure, you won’t be under for too long and they will look after your pain in recovery. Little did I know I wouldn’t wake up in recovery until three hours later. Turns out it took two surgeons 2.5 hours to clear the adhesions in my abdomen enough to be able to even reach my uterus. They were not expecting how severe the adhesions would be and during the process of clearing them my gynae surgeon make an accidental 6cm cut in my bladder. I was really upset when originally I was told that he “nicked” my bladder but then upon further questioning we found out how badly he actually had cut it. They repaired the cut and filled my bladder with saline, it sprung several leaks and so they did more repairing and then refilled and it appeared to be water-tight. My bowel surgeon found that I did not have another hernia (yay no more mesh) but where I was experiencing pain there was a section of my bowel stuck to the abdomen wall with adhesions so he has freed that in the hopes that will sort my pain out. Once all the adhesions were cleared the actual ventral suspension only took them 15 mins and went really well.

When I woke up in recovery they had my pain pretty well managed and this continued through the rest of my hospital stay – so pleased to be able to say I had a great experience with pain management this time! They didn’t do the spinal block as planned because of my sleep apnea – they use morphine in the spinal block but morphine can cause your respiratory system to become lazy which would not match well with sleep apnea. For those that don’t know what sleep apnea is – it’s basically when I have periods during sleep where I appear to stop breathing (the docs call these breathing pauses) and I developed this condition when I let my weight get out of control. But I had my PCA which kept me really comfortable.

The morning after my surgery my gynae surgeon came to see me. We talked about my bladder and how I would have to wear a catheter for at least 2 weeks to give my bladder time to start healing. He talked about this in such a blasé way that I was quite upset. In fact he actually said “look I’m a gynae surgeon, I don’t do bladders so this can happen” all while shrugging and holding his hands up in a “what are you gonna do” way. Well it’s all well and good for you to be so casual about the whole thing but you are not the one walking around with a tube shoved up your pee hole and a bag of piss strapped to your ankle! Yes I was annoyed that my bladder had been cut which completely screwed up my recovery time but I understand that the adhesions were really bad so I can’t be too annoyed at the surgeon – but it was his attitude about the situation that really pissed me off. Not to mention he fist bumped me before leaving after one visit – it really filled me with confidence in how serious he takes my health. There was an ACC form filled in which they never gave me a copy off so we are in the process of trying to track down a copy of it now. After he glossed over my bladder he then went on to tell me that the adhesions had almost completely swallowed up my left ovary to the point where he couldn’t find it and only caught a quick glimpse of it during surgery and so this combined with endometriosis and the amount of abdominal surgery I have had he doesn’t think I have a great chance of conceiving naturally now. At this point the sounds of the hospital around me seemed to stopped, I could see my surgeon looking at me waiting for my response, my heart felt like it was in my throat as hot tears poured down my face. My fertility is the one thing I have held onto and tried to protect this whole time. Any one of my doctors will tell you that when discussing anything to do with treatment or surgery my fertility is the first topic I want to cover. How could this be happening? I slowly drifted back to the present and focused on what he was saying, he was in the process of telling me that my right ovary looked great and he had tucked it up out of the way of the worst of the adhesions. I asked if there was a chance that this ovary could also be covered in adhesions before I was ready to have another baby and he said that there was no way of knowing but for now it was healthy. He said that because this ovary is still healthy there is still the chance to conceive naturally but it was very low and so I needed to prepare myself for the IVF process. I know IVF isn’t the end of the world. I know a lot of people who have done it. But it’s a long physical and emotional battle that I just don’t think I have in me. I have fought so many battles over the past three years that I really didn’t need another one. Pregnancy itself was going to be hard on its own with coming off some of my medication which controls nerve damage pain, potential issues with my j pouch and the uterine prolapse. But now I also have to have deal with the painful rollercoaster of IVF before I even get to the pregnancy battle? It’s just not bloody fair! Then of course there is the chance that the three free rounds we get are not successful and we then have to look at other options. Part of me feels like maybe it’s too much. Maybe we need to just admit that our family is complete at 3. But the pull on my heart when I think about not holding another baby in my arms is too much. I want to see Isobel’s beautiful face as she looks at her younger sibling for the first time. After all the crap we have dealt with surely we deserve this? I called Pete after the surgeon left me alone and asked him to come in and see me. I needed him to sit next to me and calm me down. To help me see straight again and get a hold of my grief. After a couple of hours of me crying on and off we decided we would give ourselves today to feel sorry for ourselves and then tomorrow I would pull up my big girl undies and get on with it. This was easier said than done and I still struggled for a couple of days to get a hold of my emotions. I am shelving this issue for now while I deal with recovering from this surgery. I will take it back down off the shelf and process it when I feel stronger.

I managed to come off my IV pain killers on day 3 in hospital and we were all planning on me getting home the next day. Unfortunately that night I spiked a temp and we couldn’t get it under control the next day. They examined me and initially diagnosed an upper- respiratory infection so they sent me down for a chest x-ray. The x-ray came back clear so they did further investigations and found that I actually had a kidney infection from the catheter. I was placed on antibiotics and I ended up spending another 6 days in hospital fighting the infection. I also developed a really bad case of oral thrush from the steroids they had me on to clear up my chest infection before the surgery. If you haven’t had oral thrush then you should count yourself lucky. It is one of the most unpleasant things I have ever dealt with. 

At first your tongue and throat become covered in a thick white layer and it feels like you have something stuck in your throat which means your gag reflex is almost always triggered. Once this passes your tongue and throat lose the top layer of skin and it feels like your mouth is full of razor blades. Eating and drinking is excruciating and I spent almost a week on a liquid diet. The liquid diet was actually a life saver due to the horrible state of the food in that place. In the 9 days I was there I only managed to eat 2 meals, the rest were totally inedible. 

These pictures show some of them, the ‘omelet’ in the middle was solid and rubbery, there was also solid/rubbery egg in the potato thing on the right and the pasta ‘carbonara’ on the left was just downright disgusting.

I was lucky to have some great roommates during my stay. We all kept each other’s spirits up and shared stories, I was thankful for the distraction. I was finally released on 14th July and I couldn’t wait to get home. It had been really hard on Isobel, Mum and Pete running around after me and bringing me in food etc. I am so lucky to have Mum and Pete; I would never be able to get through all of this without their support and help.

I spent 5 days at home with the catheter and I was miserable. I had almost a permanent feeling of needing to pee, the tube kept pulling when I moved the wrong way and I could only wear PJ bottoms because of the pee bag strapped to my leg. It wasn’t until two days before I got it out that I realized that not wearing underwear was better because it didn’t press the tube into strange places and let it sit where it was comfortable. I also had a bath at Mum’s which went a long way towards relieving the discomfort. On Wednesday morning they did a contrast x-ray to make sure the bladder was water-tight and on the mend. This was so horrible. They used an IV drip connected to the catheter to slowly fill my bladder up with saline and then they took a series of images. The relief when they let the saline drain back out was amazing! I went back later that day once the report was written up to have it removed. I felt like a new woman! I am in the process of re-training my bladder and I am holding onto my urine for as long as I can in order to stretch the bladder back out. They assure me there shouldn’t be any long term issues thank god.

So right now I am taking it easy and working on dropping my pain meds. The worse part of my recovery is I have really severe nerve damage again. They made 5 key-hole incisions and 2 larger incisions during the surgery. The two larger ones are low down and where they attached the uterus to my muscle. It’s those two points that have resulted in nerve damage. The pain feels like a hot poker is being jammed into my tummy each time I move. This usually takes a couple of months to settle down to a point where it doesn’t cause me too much trouble. Obviously this causes me to be really restricted in what I can do which is so frustrating. I want to try and get back to work next week as the bills keep stacking up and we just can’t survive on only Pete’s income. Although I am trying to get back to work I am going to be careful with how I go and be aware of what I am capable of. There is only 2.5 weeks until Pete’s surgery so I need to be as recovered as possible to ensure I can take over the house duties from him.

So that’s the most recent chapter in my story. I look back at all we have been through and just shake my head in wonder. How can the shit still keep coming? Is there some higher power that is messing around with our lives just to have a laugh? It’s bloody ridiculous. But nonetheless it’s the card we have been dealt and so we will continue the good fight. We just need to remind ourselves of the positives. We have each other and a roof over our heads – that’s all that really matters. 

Who needs their sanity and all their organs as well?