#Is there anything more pure than having meaning put into seemingly meaningless text?

[enby-who-likes-a-lot-of-stuff]

one of my favorite accounts on here is the haiku bot. They’re so sweet, just absolutely adorable and they make my day better when I see them.

[thefantasygirl3]

The fearsom five's christmas hijynx

Genre/warnings: Comedy, Slice of life.

Word count: 7 792

Summary: The other fearsome five are hiding in fear, scared over what Quackerjack might have gotten them for christmas. When he offers them their gifts, they get nervous and make up the excuse of christmas shopping to keep him distracted. Meanwhile they find ways to protect themselves from the dastardly gifts.

Notes: This one really came out later than I’d expect and became far longer than expected! But here it is and I hope it satisfies someone.

The city of st. Canard. It was covered in a white sheet of cold frozen flakes. The day of christmas was quickly approaching and the citizens were all running about in their holiday craze. Many were preparing their houses for the cheerful holiday, others were doing some last minute christmas shopping and some others were preparing traps so they could finally see santa in the feathers. Many active people out and about. 

In fact, even some of the villains were preparing for their christmas plans. 

Negaduck was walking through the dark alleyways, stealthily making his way towards the hideout of his evil team. The villain was scoffing to himself and making disgusted sounds as he stomped his way through. "BLEGH! Christmas junk all over the place! It makes me sick to my stomach seeing all the lights and colorful decorations and APPALLING GLITTER! Makes me want to burn everything to the ground" he complained to no one as he kept heading towards his hideout, making sure he moved undetected through the more populated areas before he finally reached the nest.

Entering the building, he kept talking out loud and started to laugh menacingly to himself. “But it doesn’t matter! All this meaningless malarkey is at least going to be a good distraction for my next heist! Mwua ha ha ha ha! Yes! They will be too busy ripping up presents and stuffing themselves full, no one will be around to stop me from robbing the bank! It's the… perfect… crime…" as Negaduck kept monologuing to himself, his steps started to slow to a stop as he reached the middle of the hideout. The duck immediately took note of the fact that the place was pretty much empty. There should be people here already, he had told them to be there early! "Damn ditzy dopes! I should be getting the chainsaw ready for them when they arrive!" he grumbled angrily as he rounded the corner, heading towards the workspace. 

As soon as he did so, something caught his eye. Out of one of the boxes, a violet petal was peeking out. It was quite obvious and it made Negaduck rub his temples in exasperation. Walking over towards the box, the duck reached out and grabbed the petal in his fingers, immediately plucking it harshly. And with that, Bushroot shot out of the box with a loud "YOUCH!" and landed on his butt, outside the box while rubbing his hair in pain. "Hello, vegetable. Mind telling me WHAT YOU WERE DOING HIDING IN A BOX!?!" Negaduck yelled at the plant scientist on the floor, tapping his foot as he awaited an answer. "N-Negaduck!” Bushroot yelped as he jolted up and crawled back, bumping into a big wooden panel that fell over and revealed Megavolt, curled up on the ground. "Negaduck?!" he exclaimed surprised as he shot up from his place on the floor. "Negaduck! Y-you're here early!" Liquidator added on as his head materialized out of the puddle underneath the fridge.

"Yes I am! And you'll be seeing an early grave if you don't tell me what you're doing!" the duck who's name was repeated earlier demanded as he grabbed a hold of Megavolt and pulled him off of the ground. "Don't you realize! It's christmas! HE might be here soon! We'll be doomed" the plug-head explained in fear as he was shaking on his knees and in the other's hand. "BHA! You idiots gave away our HIDEOUT!?!" the yellow clothed duck shouted in rage, launching Megavolt back into the mutant plant. "Which one of you gave it away?! It's probably that stupid clown! Still hiding from me like a coward" he growled in a low, very aggressive voice while looking around the room and punching a box or two. "No, boss! It's him were talking about! Quackerjack!" Liquidator tried to explain as he crawled out from under the fridge, cowardly moving closer to the other teammates. 

"What? You're afraid of that dope? You've gotta be kidding me" Negaduck started to laugh at the quivering trio, waving his hand dismissively at them before walking over to the work table. "Don't you understand!? Quackerjack makes toys! You give away toys on christmas! And we got a text before, saying he got some very special gifts for us!" Bushroot sputtered out as he ran behind the others and kept shaking in terror. "Yeah! And we have no idea what's in store! WE NEED TO PREPARE FOR HIS ASSAULT!!!" the rat panicked rather quickly as he waved his arms in the air. "He could be here any sec-" as the water man began his part of the explanation, the loud sound of a door being smashed open was heard, followed with a shout of "I'M HEEEERE~!". 

The team flew together into a big, fearful hug and shivered hard enough for the sound of their shuddering to be painfully clear. The boss of the team just shook his head and looked at them annoyed, but in slight amusement. From around the corner, Quackerjack emerged with the biggest grin on his face, two small gift boxes and one larger one. "Geez you guys! If you were all so cold, why didn't you wear a jacket or something? WOOH HA HA!" he laughed at them all and walked over to the table, placing the gifts on it while ignoring the angry duck's protests. "O-oh! You know! It's cooler without them!" Liquidator tried to act casual while pushing the other two aside, not wanting to embarrass himself more than necessary. "Anyways! … W-what'cha got there?" he then asked as he kept a distance between himself and the most likely very deadly gifts. 

"OH! You mean your awesome christmas presents?! Yeah! That's what I got!" the jester told his friend cheerfully as he bounced from foot to foot, jingling his bells about with the bouncing of his hat. "Oh wow! Quacks! Th-that's… so nice of you! C-can't wait for tomorrow!" Bushroot said with a very nervous laugh, rubbing his hands together in some sort of attempt to keep himself calm and away from running out of the room immediately. 

"AAAAAW! But I can't wait for TOMORROW! Can't you open them now?! I hear that some countries celebrate christmas eve" Quackerjack said in his usual ever-changing tone, going from a whine to a more smug sounding voice. "Yeah. Go ahead! Why don't we see what you all got?" Negaduck said in his fake nice voice, curling his finger around the present ribbon. "Oh! Um… that sounds… really nice! B-but… but… um…" now the man was at a loss of words, trying to think of an excuse to not be made into a duck salad. "W-well… we… don't have a gift for you yet! How can we open your… probably great gifts when we don't have anything to give you?" Megavolt chimed in as he ran over to their friend and put an arm around him, trying his very best to convince him that they really did want to open it and not rather be on the other side of the earth.

"Oh. No no no! It's ok! I'd much rather just get the gift of seeing someone finally smile when I give them something! If the kids won't appreciate my toys, at least you guys can enjoy my gifts!" The toymaker said in a rather happy voice, seemingly just out for his teammates' appreciation. This just made the electric man start to sweat and become very flustered, stuttering out an incoherent excuse. Quackerjack just stared at him in pure excitement. 

"Aaaaah… I guess the cat's out of the bag. We couldn't keep it secret for long" Liquidator sighed disappointed as he moved over to his two buddies, putting a hand on each of their shoulders and giving them a wink each. "Wh-what? What secret? Are you guys keeping something from me?!" The now curious jester asked as he looked at the three, getting himself worked up about what this thing could possibly be. "You see, Quacks, we got a great deal on a collective gift we wanted to give you tomorrow, at the mall. But if you want to do the gift giving today, we have no other choice but to pay for the express shipping!" the previous business man said in his usual "trying to sell you something" way, putting his hands on the other's shoulders. "Oh please" the yellow suited villain groaned and rubbed his beak, unable to believe they thought this ridiculous lie would work.

"REALLY?! Oh goodie! I'm sorry I made you spoil it, but I'm so curious now! Can we go immediately?". Of course, when the lie was told to the bluntest shovel in the cutlery drawer, then it wasn't as unbelievable. "Yeah! Of course we can! It will let us do some last minute christmas shopping!" Bushroot said with a grin, putting his vine arm around the oblivious toymaker and leading him outside, the rat and dog following close after them. "HEY! WHERE DO YOU FOOLS THINK YOU'RE GOING?! WE HAVE A HEIST TO PLAN!!!" the ever angry Negaduck screamed after his four subordinates, waving his arms around as he ran after them, only to be buried under a big pile of snow as soon as he walked outside.

Walking through the mall, Quackerjack was following his friends while doing cartwheels and handstands. "Oh boy, oh boy! I just love surprises! Can't we walk faster?!" he giggled as he pushed himself off the ground and landed right back on his feet. "Um… Liquidator? Do we even have a surprise? Please tell me we do! I don't wanna become toy stuffing!" Megavolt was still panicking and sparking while he grabbed a hold of the dripping dog, shaking him around before getting smacked in the face with a frying pan made out of water. "Not to fear, my friends! I have a deal prepared for our cooky friend to keep him busy and with satisfaction 100% guaranteed!" he told the two beside him before he leaned in and started whispering his idea to them.

As they walked around the corner, the team stopped their purple and red friend, to his surprise. "OH! Are we here now?!" he asked them as he jumped up and down, clapping his hands in excitement. "My friend! Are you feeling bored during christmas eve? Feeling the need for some fun? Try… The ARCADE!" Liquidator announced as he moved out of the way, gesturing towards the huge paradise of video games. As soon as Quackerjack saw it, his smile immediately dropped and his face morphed into anger. "THE ARCADE!?! Are you kidding me?! Video games are mindless dribble! They are destroying the toy industry! And you're saying my gift is playing some GAMES at the ARCADE?!" he started yelling at the three while pulling his hat down in rage and frustration. 

"Oh of course not! We know that you hate this type of stuff! Which is why we brought you here!" Bushroot told the angry, jingling jester while he was throwing a temper tantrum. The duck then looked confused about that response, not sure how that made any sort of sense. "Don't tell me you didn't bring any toys with you! How were you planning to wreck the place without them?" Megavolt asked with a smug sounding voice, raising his eyebrows at him and smirking like a proud bastard. Quackerjack looked a little confused still for a moment until he connected the dots, getting a huge, eager grin on his beak. He quickly pulled out his wind up teeth and ran over towards the other guys, giving them a big hug before letting them go and saying "Oh thank you guys! This is such a wonderful gift! I'll be a couple of hours! It's PLAYTIME!!!". Then he was off to cause chaos.

The three looked as he ran off, waving and smiling while wishing him a merry christmas until he was out of view. They then let out a big sigh and sank down on the floor, as if melting from the release of tension. "Ok. So! Now that he's distracted and happy, we can finally get something ready for the assault" Megavolt sighed and moved his glance over towards Liquidator. "By the way, couldn't he just come here and destroy the place himself?" he then asked as they all had the moment to just collect themselves and come back to their senses. "Of course, but he doesn't need to know that" the dog muttered as he got up from his little puddle and helped clean off some dust from bushroot, who spoke up soon thereafter. "Alright. Here is the idea. We will all need to find a way to prevent these toys from attacking us! They will most likely be very advanced or dangerous! So we will need the best of the best stuff to stop them!".

"Yes! And I know exactly what I'll get for this!" the rat proclaimed confidently as he walked to the front of the group, pointing towards a map of the shopping center. "I will be going over to the appliance department and find the best CPU disruptor a man can buy!" he said confidently and put his hands on his hips in a matching demeanor. Bushroot walked over and took a glance of the map, extending his arm and pointing at the only plant store in the mall. "I'll go and see if I can find a good plant that I can mutate". "Well then, I guess I will have to… hmm… I guess going to the pet store to find some vicious fish could be of help" Liquidator pointed at the pet store and left a big water droplet to run down the display. "Alright! We got a plan!" The sparking man exclaimed as he put his hand up, then pointed towards the rest of the mall and shouted "Now GO GO GO!". And with that, they scatter.

The plant scientist was glancing around in the gardening shop, browsing through the different flowers and plants. He deeply enjoyed all of the greenery inside the store. In particular, he was taken aback by a beautiful orchid, making a double take before taking a stop beside the purple seductress. “Why hello there, you gorgeous flora. Ah~ If only my hands weren't tied, i'd buy you in a heartbeat” he sighed and gently rubbed it's petals in a very flirty manner.

As Bushroot was having this rather intimate moment, an old duck was clearing his throat behind him, scaring the ever living crap out of him. "Excuse me, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you are a plant lover, just like myself. Are you looking for something specific?" he asked the now shaking plant man, correcting his glasses that were sliding down his beak.

"Oh! Yes! I'm looking for something… oh wow! Who is that?!" Bushroot interrupted himself as he saw this gorgeous tall blossom, right behind the old florist. "Ah! You mean ms. Antirrhinum! Or more commonly known, the snapdragon flower. She is a beauty, isn't she?" He perked up a bit as the green duck was gawking over this big red cute belle. "Ms? So she's single?" Bushroot sighed as he circled the snapdragon and was practically drooling all over it. "Ah… ha ha ha! As single as they get, I suppose" the florist chuckled before heading over and putting a hand on his shoulder. "Now, what was it that you needed?".

"Huh? Oh! Yes! Sorry! I… I need something more…" as the scientist got back on task, he leaned in towards the other duck, scanning the shop quickly before whispering "... vicious". The florist looked up at him with a rather confused look, seeming shocked about the request. "... oh! You meant something exotic, right! I have many fierce ladies in this store!" He laughed softly at him as he started wandering past him towards the exotic area of the store. "I'm sure we can find a gal to suit your needs!" He added on as he motioned towards the countless colorful plants.

"What? No! No I mean- like literally! Do you have a plant that could, completely theoretically, rip a robotic teddy bear with built in flamethrowers limb for limb? Or chew a killer fairy with a big chainsaw to bits?" Bushroot interrupted him as he tried to explain himself, without giving out too much information about his plan. Clearly doing well! The duck looked over at him and just stared for a few seconds, his face scrunching up into a nervous frown. "Well… we technically aren't allowed to have any sort of plants like that" he told him while starting to roll his fingers and sweat slightly, wiping it off as soon as he felt it roll down his forehead. "Please! You've got to have something even slightly… wait… technically?" the plant mutant then pointed out as he realized the strange wording. As he said that, the florist carefully glanced around the room, as if making sure no one else was in there at that very moment. "I might have someone you would like to meet… if you can keep a secret, that is" he whispered to Bushroot, who was quick to perk up and say "Oh of course. I am far from a narc, sir".

The duck looked around still as he approached a shelf full of seeds, making sure the coast was clear as he started pushing it out off the way to reveal a tough looking door. He quietly unlocked it and pulled his customer inside. As the villain was pulled into the dimly lit room, he was greeted with a bunch of very ravenous looking carnivorous plants. "Oh my goodness! A venus flytrap! Yellow pitcher plant! Cobra lily! AH, a Butterworth!" the awestruck scientist started ogling all the exotic, dangerous, man-eating plant life as he ran around the room like an excited kid on… well, christmas. "Yes. They aren't very legal to sell, but I can tell you are a lover of all plants, just like myself. But enough delaying! Let me introduce you to my precious Monica" the florist told the man, who was still adoring all the big scary vegetation, before walking over towards a large cup shaped flower with a big leaf over it's red, spiked rim. Bushroot gave away a gasp as he saw said plant and ran over to get a better look of it, gushing out "Is that… a tropical pitcher plant?! Oh wow, she's such a beauty! I'll take her! How much does $10 000 sound?! I can get you that if it means I can take such a sweet doll home with me~". He looked shocked at him, not able to believe the amazing offer given. He was practically seeing dollar bills as he reached his hand out and shook the other's hand in an immediate agreement. "Of course, sir! You got a deal! Let me write you down on a payment plan!" he told him as the plant man was still drooling over this beauty of a flower.

Inside the electrical appliance store, the rat was pushing a cart along and looking around at the boring SD cards and other computer parts that would be of no help to him when being run over by a life-sized toy train. Anxiety was starting to settle in on him as he scanned over the stuffed shelves, unable to focus on finding the disruptor he oh so needed when the constant thought of himself being tortured by adorable, crazed murder toys kept popping up in his mind. His eyes darted around, trying his very best to stay focused on finding the life-saving christmas miracle.

"Hello sir! How can I help you?" a nasally voice spoke up suddenly, earning a surprised scream from Megavolt who jumped back into a defensive position, doing some fake karate before he saw the nerdy looking teenage girl. Judging by her lanyard, he could tell she worked there. Giving her an annoyed grumble, he just grabbed ahold of his cart once more and muttered "I know more than YOU". The girl just watched him walk by and frowned a little bit, earning another annoyed comment from the rodent of "Stupid kids. Probably don't even realize what a genius they are undermining". 

"Dude! Are you that big, dangerous, evil supervillain, Megavolt?" another teen with long blond hair covering his face asked in a funky way, sounding like some sort of surfer-dude. Caught of guard, Megavolt only looked around in confusion, not sure whether he should confirm or deny that question. Unsure, he answered with a short and simple "... Yes?", wondering if he'd get thrown out or something. "Oh great! That means you must be smart!" the now relieved boy sighed as he grabbed a hold of the rat man and pulled him along towards the customer service counter. "W-Wait! Yes I am, but what do you need my intellect for?!" he asked baffled as he was dragged along towards a rather angry looking woman, standing beside a toaster that stood on the counter. 

"Well this lady just came in, yelling about how her toaster isn't toasting properly. I was wondering if you would be able to find the problem, dude" the teen asked as he looked at him in desperation, seemingly somewhat lost and frightened by the peeved of lady staring daggers at the two of them. Megavolt wasn't sure how he had gotten himself into this mess, so he just gave the boy a baffled raise of his eyebrow. He was about to say something to him, until the lady cut him off sharply. "Listen! I don't have time for this! I want my toaster fixed YESTERDAY! It doesn't even TOAST! It barely warms my bread to room temperature! I have to wait an hour for warm bread!" she complained to him, completely ignoring the employee that was supposed to help her. The man groaned in annoyance, not wanting to deal with this when he was meer hours away from his childish DOOM! "Ma'am. I truly and  genuinely do not care about your-" before he could explain how much her technical issue didn't matter to him, she snapped at him once more. "Why are you here anyways?! I asked for a MA-NA-GER! Not some whacky, dirty, off-his-rockers criminal! I want to speak with the manager right now so he can call the police to arrest that villain and so HE can be fired!" she started demanding to whichever one of them that would oblige her, practically frothing at the mouth as she was also hitting the counter. 

Alright. That's it. He was ticked. This was now personal.

"... How about we just fix that toaster right up for you instead. And let me do it for free, since you asked sooooo nicely!" Megavolt said through gritted teeth, sounding very condescending to her while he was grabbing her toaster and taking it to a table that was already full of stuff, like paperwork and small tech parts. Shoving it all off the table, he slammed the toaster down and started disassembling it right away, grabbing a few parts around him to add into this household appliance. The woman gave a smug smile at the villain, who was now doing as she had demanded, meanwhile the employee looked on in surprise and awe as he was skillfully fixing this thing like it was nothing. After a few moments of tinkering, the toaster was reassembled once again and Megavolt walked over to the service counter, placing it down in front of the self-satisfied customer. "Now, let's test it out, shall we?" he suggested with a smarmy grin as he pulled out a piece of toast he had, for totally logical reasons, and put it into the toaster. Only a few seconds after the rat had started it, smoke started to seep out of the two openings on the top. And only a moment after that, flames erupted in two ginormous streams of fire. This made the woman start to scream and hurriedly scurry away out of the store. "I hope you like your bread like your coffee! HAHAHA!" Megavolt laughed and held his stomach as the fire started to calm down a bit, letting two burnt pieces of toast pop up with a delightful PING. 

"Whoa… that was awesome!" the nerdy girl from before shouted out astonished as she watched the customer bump into people on her way out of the shopping center. "Yeah, dude! She's been bothering us with complaints and threats to fire us all for months! Thanks for getting rid of her!" the dopey boy said as he grabbed a hold of the villain's hand and shook it harshly, making him get red in the face and chuckle from the flattery. "Well… it is what we criminals do best!" he admitted and rubbed his neck. The girl walked over to the two and joined in in the hand shaking, crossing his arms over each other. "If there is anything we can do to thank you, you just let us know!" she offered him. This made him light up a bit, realizing that this might work perfectly in his favor. "Actually… I am looking for something rather hard to come by. If you happen to have a CPU disruptor anywhere in the store, I would be more than happy to take it off your hands!". "Well… we do have some more high-tech stuff in the back, but we aren't supposed to sell that stuff" the teen said as he looked back towards the backdoor, considering if it would be a good idea or not. "Well you're not selling it if you just give it to me for the favor, now are you?" Megavolt tried to explain to the employees, giving them a "Hmm?" and wiggle of his eyebrows. The two looked at each other, thought about it for a moment, then said in unison "That makes sense!" as they both then raced to the backdoor to get his present. Maybe this christmas wouldn't turn out so horrible after all!

Man. The pet store really wasn't anything to write home about. Liquidator couldn't believe how boring and unappealing it was. More like appalling. It was a wonder they even sold a simple little goldfish with such an unmarketable image. He almost felt like turning right around and head straight out to accept his doom. But he decided against it and just sucked it up, heading inside and looking around at the animals. The dog decided that he didn't have time to wander around aimlessly and try to find a fish that would be dangerous enough, so he headed up to the cash register to find someone who could help him. "Excuse me, ma'am! I require your assistance to find a most exotic, threatening pet that I could adopt!" he spoke up in his usual, classy salesman tone, trying to get the attention of the bored looking lady by the register. "Yeah, Yeah. Sure. Brittney can take care of you. BRITTNEY! A CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP!" she yelled towards the backdoor, prompting a pretty, tall lady to walk out and say "Ok. I'm on it" in a valley girl accent while chewing some gum.

"... Now I see the selling point" liquidator muttered under his nonexistent breath, scanning the employee as she walked over to him and greeted him. "Hiya. So what kind of pet are you looking for, sir?. "Well I'm glad you asked! Because what I am looking for is none other than a predator of the aquatiq variety!" he told the pet shop worker as he moved over to her, extending his body to be on her left, as well as her right. But she didn't seem to care at all, blowing a bubble with her gum as she just said "yeah, sure" and started leading him towards the aquarium section. As she was walking along with him, another customer walked up beside them and tapped her on the shoulder. "Excuse me! But I was wondering about this hamster. I already own a male hamster, will it be ok to have another in the same cage?" the young man asked as he pointed towards a couple of hamster cages. She just looked over at him confused, chewing her gum and grumbling a nonchalant "uuuh… I don't know" before turning to walk away again. She just left Liquidator stunned as he watched her walk away, not giving a single care about the customer. Like, yeah, he didn't care about his customers when he sold water, but you need to at least pretend to care or have a captivating and appealing attitude so you can make more sales. Groaning, he decided to pick up the ball she had just dropped. "Hello sir! Sorry about the laziness of the staff! But let me tell you that no! It is not a good idea to put two male hamsters in the same cage. BUT! It is very rewarding to take care of more than one hamster, as it is stated by professionals that it helps with restlessness! So I'd suggest you buy a second cage for the hamster you want! There are a few high quality ones over there across from the hamsters!" he informed the surprised man, who seemed to be eating up everything he was told, just nodding and saying "Oh! Ok!" before walking off. "Remember! The more it costs, the better it is!" he added on before leaving to find the useless employee again.

As Liquidator found the clueless girl again, she had once again been stopped by another customer, a little girl who had a puppy following close after her. "Excuse me miss. I don't know what food I should give Jasper. What do you think I should buy?" she asked in a sugary sweet voice, making the lady just glance down at her and blow another bubble with her gum. "I dunno. Dog food?" she just huffed before continuing to leave another customer behind. Facepalming himself, Liquidator quickly moves over and taps the girl on her shoulder. "Hi there, little lady! Ignore that big unhelpful lady! She doesn't know anything! If you are looking for good dog food, you should buy the ones with the big "approved" seal on it! If it has that, it means it will be good for him!" the villain said in an overly friendly way as he pointed towards the pet food section. The little girl smiled brightly and started pulling at her dog's leash, running off to find that good quality food.

This kept happening as he was attempting to keep up with the employee, person wants help buying stuff, lady blows them off, Liquidator has to take over and use his sales pitches to make a good sale.

"What is the best toy for my cat?"

"It will love the bell and feather on a string! The stick is made to not snap!"

"Are these vitamins good for my dog?"

"That's a no go! Four out of five specialists would suggest these higher quality vitamins with loads more vitamins in it for your pet!"

"My bird won't stop freaking out!"

"Yikes! Sounds like it is time to expand her cage! Trust me, bigger cage means less panic from your bird!"

After a few more quick sales, the man was tilting against a few aquariums and panting lightly, feeling exhausted from all the talking and pitching. It was amazing that this place was not burned to the ground by the sheer laziness of the staff. He was probably the only help anyone had ever gotten at this crappy store. The employee finally stopped in front of a tank of fish, motioning towards the clownfish swimming inside. This made Liquidator fall silent and just stare at her with a blank gaze. "... So how many fishes did you want?" she asked in a totally clueless voice, just staring back at him. "THIS ISN'T A PREDATOR!!!" he yelled in her face and started boiling from the immeasurable amount of rage this brought him. The employee just looked at him, asking "what's a predator?" cluelessly. The two just stared for a quiet second before the lady just takes out a ring of keys and throws them into Liquidators body. "Here. I gotta leave early today, so please lock up for me" she said dismissively as she just walked towards the front of the store to leave.

He just looked at her shocked as she, just like every other customer, left him alone and confused. Did she really mistake him for someone who worked there because he did her work better than her? 

…

Well at least he didn't have to pay for what he needed anymore.

After a few hours in the mall, the four villains were walking home together, with the jester laughing giddily after his little bit of complete chaos. "Hoohoohehehee! I haven't had this much fun in a while! This is the best christmas yet!" he cheered as he was bouncin in front the trio that were carrying their wrapped presents. He then moved to put an arm around Megavolt, who gave him a nervous grin and moved the bag with the gift box in to carry it with one hand. The air around them, despite the expectation of impending doom, was actually rather cheerful. It was mostly due to the unrestrained joy of Quackerjack, who was just radiating christmas cheer with his excited laughter and singing. "Really? Christmas carols? I thought you were above that?" the rat poked at him with his elbow, snickering as he teased the one walking beside him. "Eh, shut up, Sparky! Can't a man feel the christmas spirit for one?" he snapped back while trying to hold back a happy giggle, wanting to appear somewhat tough. Liquidator and Bushroot looked at each other and gave an amused smile.

And soon enough, they arrive at the hideout. They all strolled inside and placed down their gift boxes under a christmas tree disguise that they had for the heist that was planned for the evening after. It was close enough to a regular tree, so why not? This made the colorful duck jump around even more and squeal excitedly. He was tapping his feet restlessly as he looked over towards his own gifts, wanting so bad to give them to his friends already. This did not go unnoticed, as Bushroot watched his eyes stare longingly in the direction of his own christmas gifts, feeling that nervousness return as he remembered why they even got the "gifts" to begin with. Looking over at the other two, they both took notice of his questioning look and gave a nod, indicating that they were ready for the chaos. "Hey… Quacks. Didn't you have something for us?" he asked with a forced grin, trying his best to not ruin the jester's joy. 

Quackerjack gasped in excitement, not even answering the plant before he rushed off towards the work table to grab the gifts. Bushroot moved over to the others and they all formed a huddle. "Alright! Get ready for the onslaught! Keep close to the tree and hold the box at a distance!" Liquidator whispered to his fellow villains, earning a determined nod from them both. "Alright! Get ready!" the cheery voice of their four team member yelle, causing the huddle to break and the three of them stand innocently beside each other. 

Quackerjack walked over, presenting the biggest present first. Everyone prayed that they wouldn't be the one to recieve the gift. "Bushroot! This one is for you!". Curses. That's just his luck. But still, the plant duck took a deep breath and accepted the rather heavy box, getting even more scared when holding the potential "pandora's box" in his hands. Swallowing harshly, he reached out and pulled the ribbon off, causing the other two to immediately hide behind whatever was the closest. He recoiled back away from the box, expecting to be jumped as soon as that lid was lifted. 

But… nothing happened. That almost shocked him more than anything. So he curiously peeked inside and saw… a bag… a bag of fertilizer. It felt almost disappointing to get something so dull, instead of immeadiate death. But lifting the bag out of the box, he got a better look at it and realized something. "Wait a second! This is-!". "That's right! I got this fertilizer from a lab with some real knuckleheads for scientists working there! It's not even released to the public yet! And now it never will be! It's all yours!" the jester explained as he was hovering really close the the stunned man.

The fertilizer… it was HIS fertilizer! His project that he thought was lost after… the incident that made him into his mutant self. "Wow… wait, knucklehead scientists?" he then questioned, recognizing the description as his old labmates. "Oh yeah! Those two! I took care of them, don't worry! They seemed to really like throwing that football around! So I thought it'd be fun to try and be the ball for a change!" Quackerjack laughed amused as he seemed rather proud of himself. Bushroot just stared at him, tears starting to well up in his eyes before he hugged tightly onto the fertilizer and started wailing like a baby. "WAAAAAAH! THANK YOU! THIS IS THE BEST CHRISTMAS I'VE EVER HAAAAAAD!!!" he cried out and sat down on the floor with his precious bag.

Quackerjack looked shocked for a short moment before looking genuinely happy about the over emotional reaction he got. "Heeheehee… glad you like it" he muttered before grabbing the next box and walking over to Megavolt, who had come out of hiding and was just staring in baffled surprise. His gawking was interrupted as there was a rather small gift box shoved into his face. Accepting it without a word, he just looked back at Liquidator unsure, as if asking if it was safe. He just gave the rat a shrug and looked equally puzzled. 

Megavolt just sighed and decided to go for it, ripping off the ribbon and opening the box. Inside was a USB stick, a normal old USB stick. He picked it up and held it up to the duck. "Ok… I'll bite. What is this?". Quackerjack looked rather smug as he leaned into his face and explained "Well, Sparky. This USB contains countless of blueprints from an inventor, who works for none other than S.H.U.S.H. You don't realize how surprisingly easy it was to get! I bet she doesn't even realize it's gone!". The rat's eyes widened as he heard that. A USB… with S.H.U.S.H level blueprints?! There had got to be some really advanced stuff in that tiny little stick! All the knowledge he could ever desire! He even forgot to yell at the duck for calling him Sparky.

All he could do was sputter random sounds while trying to find any sort of words to say. Megavolt ended up just pulling Quackerjack into a hug and spinning around in a moment of bliss, rambling "ohmygodthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!". The duck gained a bright blush to his cheeks as he was held in the air by his friend, just allowing it to happen as this was just the type of reaction he had hoped for. Didn't expect it at all, but he had hoped. "Oh geez! Sparky! Be cool, pal! You're embarrassing me!" he laughed in a flustered manner, trying to hide how much he's enjoying the appreciation and failing immensely. 

He managed to get loose after a minute or so and took the last, tiny present and started making his way over to Liquidator. The dog looked very sceptical, as suppose to the previous expression of fear. "So… seems you really made a great sale to those two, huh?" he commented to the clown, who didn't say anything back and just wiggled his eyebrows at him. "... Well they are nerds, they get all excited over their… nerdy interests. But I'm a customer that isn't easily impressed. So don't expect any hugs or tears" he then said in a defensive tone and crossed his arms. Quackerjack only grinned wider and held out the present to him, inching it closer and closer to his face while letting out a quiet squeak. 

The water man just sighed and snatched the gift out of his hands, starting to unwrap it so he could just get it over with. And inside was just a piece of paper. That was it. His face dropped and he looked up at the duck. But he just kept grinning and darted his eyes between Liquidator and the paper. Rolling his eyes, Liquidator just picked it up and read over it. As he did, he realized it was a receipt from the local grocery store. "St. Canard convenience store. Wow! You really went above and beyond. Look at all that Sparkling Crystal Pure Flud Water you purcha- w… WAIT WHAT?!" he had to do a double take as he read over the receipt, not sure he read that right. But it was right there, in black and white, over $10 000 worth of his own brand of water.

"I know you better than you think" Quackerjack giggled smugly as he bounced over towards the leaking fridge and threw it open, revealing it to be filled to the brim with water bottles. Liquidator just stared in awe and with his jaw laying in the floor. Quacks picked it back up as he put an arm around his shoulder. "I know that you do love a good sale. But what do you like better? MAKING a good sale, of course! So what better christmas present for THE liquidator than to steal money from the bank and buy every last one of your water with it? That way, the ENTIRE CITY OF ST. CANARD has bought your stuff!" he informed the shocked man that he was hanging on while staring at his face, awaiting to see a reaction from him. 

He just stared at all of his bottled water, processing everything his teammate just told him. That was probably the only thing he could have ever wished for, success for his company. A singular tear fell from his eye, though it could have just been more water, and gave away a small, happy smile. "Wow… thank you, man" he just muttered.

Quackerjack let out a happy laugh as he started jumping around his friends with so much excitement. "Ho ho ho ha haa! I knew it! I knew you'd like my presents! Now, let's check what's inside yours!" he cheered curiously as he then pranced over to the other's presents under the fake tree. "Wait" Liquidator muttered surprised. "Our… presents?!" Megavolt gulped and started sweating, realizing what a mistake they had made with their assumption. "W-WAIT! Quacks! Don't open them!" Bushroot yelled as he started running over towards the duck to stop him. But it was too late as they got to watch him suddenly get shot with a laser that sent a current of electricity through his body. They then got to witness him being attacked by a dozen piranha before he was grabbed by the big pitcher plant that tried to eat him whole. 

The three, after watching this while grimacing and cringing, then proceeded to run over and save him from any further pain. It took a few minutes, but they got him free from the fish and plant, sitting him down on the floor with a blanket and a cup of hot chocolate. "...Not to be rude, since I got such a nice present earlier today, but you guys aren't the best gift givers, are ya?" Quacks asked the others with an awkward grin, trying to not ruin the happy mood he had achieved earlier. But they just gave him an embarrassed look and rubbed their necks, feeling equally as awkward as him. "Listen… We're sorry about all that. We didn't mean to cause you so much pain" Bushroot explained as he sat down beside him and put a hand on his shoulder. "We didn't expect your presents to be… actually really really nice. We thought you'd get us one of your demented toys that would try to kill us!" Megavolt told him as he also plonked himself down on the floor on his other side, rolling his fingers nervously. Liquidator didn't say anything, he just sat himself down and looked at him somewhat apologetically. 

"Waitwaitwait! Are you telling me that you expected me to basically prank you by giving you deadly toys that would rip you to shreds?" the clown asked in surprise as he looked between all of the Fearsome Four with a confused expression on his face. The three just looked away from him and tried to find some sort of justification. But they just felt kinda bad about how they had been acting during the day when the gifts they were given ended up being really good and considerate. What justification could they have that didn't ruin the mood further?

As the jester kept darting his eyes between everyone, his eyes started to water and he began sniffing softly. Bushroot took notice and quickly tried to console him. "H-hey now! W-w-we didn't mean anything by-". Before he could finish his sentence, Quackerjack stretched his arms out and embraced all of his team with a tearful sob. "YOU GUYS! IT'S SO SWEET OF YOU TO THINK I COULD SOMETHING SO CRULE AND EVIL ON CHRIIIIIIIISTMAAAAAAS!!!" he wailed while crushing the three grown men in his colorful arms. 

They all looked down at him pained as their chests were caving in from the force of the love they were given. But they smiled anyways and chuckled at the silly duck. "Geez, Quackers! I never thought any of us would ever have an actually good christmas, let alone us having one together! But you did it! You gave us a truly merry christmas!" Megavolt sighed happily and reached a hand out to rub the crying man's jangling head. It made him giggle through his tears and let go of them all, just grinning thankfully at the lot.

"GET THESE LITTLE MONSTERS AWAY FROM ME!!!" Negaduck yelled as he ran past his team, being pursued by a group of rather scary looking toys as he's chased out of the hide out. Quackerjack just looked confused as they disappeared out the door. "Weird… I thought he'd love a bit of violence!" he said, seemingly surprised by the turn of events. The other guys just looked at each other quietly for a second, before bursting out in laughter at the brief scene. That years christmas turned from wonderful to fantastic.

[shitpostingfromthebarricade]

The People want a masterpost of fics you enjoyed!!

Okay, I’m trying this again, because yesterday my computer shut down just as I was about to post this and I needed some time to recover.

Most of the fics I enjoy fall into one of four categories: it made me laugh a lot, it made me feel empty inside, it made me think (it might be the writing style, the concept, or the formatting style they used), or Iconic.  I did have to add a fluff category for all three of those that I apparently had bookmarked.

The order here is meaningless, I just went down my bookmarks tab on AO3.  A lot of these authors also have other really excellent works, so I highly recommend exploring their other works!

If your work or username are not here, that doesn’t mean I don’t like it or think you’re a good author!  As I said, I just took these from my bookmarks–I literally have some of my favorite authors listed at the bottom whose works I have never bookmarked.  Similarly, we just have a lot of good authors in this fandom, and I forget many of them.  

I laughed:

Press One for Revolution by LoveKhaleesi (@arcoiriseglitter) & Zimriya (@zimriya)

ExR texting fic.  It had me in tears.  

Note: discontinued, but near enough to closure that it’s still worth the read.

Hit Me With Your Best Shot by TellThemStories (@tell-themstories)

ExR assassin AU fic, Grantaire’s perspective.  R is an assassin, Enjolras is his target.  It doesn’t quite work out the way he planned.

We’re All Stories, In The End by TheGlitterati (@kyrstin)

ExR crackfic, Jehan’s perspective (Enjolras’s perspective for a scene at the end)

Les Amours de Marius by Elenchus (@aporeticelenchus​)

Marisette crackfic (kind of fake dating, but not how you’re thinking of it), Marius’s perspective.  Marius recruits Bahorel and Grantaire (or rather, they recruit themselves) to make Marius’s grandfather more amenable to his engagement to Cosette.  

#Roommate Chronicles by IAmSlytherlocked & ImpulseRun

Marius & Courfeyrac friendship tumblr fic, Courfeyrac’s perspective.  Courfeyrac catalogs his roommate’s misadventures and the art of Pontmercying.

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner by sigh_no_more (@babesatthebarricade)

ExR holiday fic, Enjolras’s perspective.  Cosette has asked him to attend their asshole bio-dad’s Thanksgiving dinner, but one Craigslist ad makes Enjolras slightly less begrudging in his attending.

Texting ‘Verse by Ladililn (@ladililn)

ExR texting fic.  Joly sends a text to the wrong chat.

How I Seduced Enjolras by Gwynplaine

ExR crackfic, Grantaire’s perspective.  My Immortal’s younger, smart Les Mis brother.

Note: this fic is rated explicit and contains explicit content throughout.  It is essential to the plot.  

I cried:

Just accept that all of these have a trigger warning attached, either for total whiplash or possible death/suicidal ideation.

Stereoscopic by TellThemStories (@tell-themstories​)

ExR?, Enjolras’s perspective.  Enjolras is working overseas for a year with only one-way video messages from his friends as communication.  He has a gradual revelation about his feelings for a certain cynic.

Orpheus, Play Yourself a Path From Hades by Sovin (@sovinly​)

ExR, Grantaire’s perspective.  Grantaire’s cancer returns, and he doesn’t tell anyone.  No dialogue.

If You Ever Come Back by MissAndrogyny (@missandrogyny​)

ExR break-up/make-up fic, alternating perspectives from work to work.

World War II AU by LoveKhaleesi (@arcoiriseglitter​)

ExR WWII AU fic, Enjolras’s perspective.  Enjolras and Eponine are harboring a Jewish fugitive.

The only fic I will ever accept the fix-it ending for.

Situational Irony by Ryssabeth

ExR fic, mostly Enjolras’s perspective (I’m not a masochist, I’m not rereading this on a lovely Sunday morning to check).  Coping with Grantaire’s death.

Barricade Dawn by Opium_du_Peuple (@just-french-me-up)

Jehanparnasse fic, Jehan’s perspective.  Jehan is trying to write a good-bye letter to Montparnasse in case he doesn’t return from the barricade.

Note: this has an explicit content rating.  The explicit content is most of the middle and nonessential to the plot, you can read just the beginning and the end.

I think this is also the only canon period fic.  Whatever that’s worth.

Life is Only Moments by Raeldaza (@raeldaza)

ExR fic, Enjolras’s perspective.  Enjolras reflects over the years of his and Grantaire’s friendship.

This has a fix-it ending, and that’s all well and good, but I prefer the suffering.

Serenata by IbbyLiv

ExR post-breakup fic, Enjolras’s perspective.  Enjolras writes notes to Grantaire after he leaves.

Apparently this is basically just a song with some different words swapped in and out.  I can’t say I care about anything but the emotions that bubble forth when i read it.

Cheers, Darlin’ by onemillionbranches

ExT post-breakup fic, Grantaire’s perspective.  Enjolras is getting married, and Grantaire helps.

It moved me, Bob:

I’m also including what about each one really made me think, because of the nature of this category.

Beautiful Things Have Dents and Scratches Too by A_New_World_To_Be_Won

ExR feelings fic, alternating perspectives.  Definitely makes you feel sad, but it has resolution.

I love how raw the writing style is and how directly it translates into pure emotion.

Tin Can by ejr

ExR relationship progression fic, alternating perspectives.  

This prose style intrigues me, and I really enjoy it and its application.

You Never Have to Wonder; You Never Have to Ask by GamesForMay

ExR fic, Grantaire’s perspective.  18 months after a major protest, Grantaire returns to Paris for Cosette and Marius’s wedding.

The!  Motifs!  Are!  So!  Good!  The way Enjolras is shaped and Grantaire’s decision is set before them…and I love the moment all of  this revolves around that happened 18 months ago.  It’s just a gorgeous piece.

Golden by the_sky_is_forever (@theskyis-forever)

ExR post-breakup fic, alternating perspective.  Enjolras goes to Grantaire’s first art gallery since he left the artist.

Okay, so this is also a sad fic.  But!!  I value the artistry of the writing and love how they were able to pull and shape the emotions with the way they handled their words and sentences and phrasing.

Primary Relations - A Politician’s Journey rev 2-1.avi by Samyazaz (@samyazaz)

ExR documentary fic.  Enjolras is running for president, and Grantaire is documenting it.

The prose is so interesting and inspired a yet-unpublished fic I’ve been working on!  It can be difficult to write from this perspective, and I think they handled it really well.

Have & Hold by arriviste (@arrivisting)

ExR fake-marriage fic.  Enjolras wants to make a political point about gay marriage and meets less resistance than he expected.

This is probably the only fake marriage fic I will ever love and appreciate because the author did such a great job representing the unhealthy feelings involved when you go from zero feelings to being married.

Dismantling Oppressive Establishments, Teamwork, And Other Things Your Coach Never Taught You by AnnaBolena (@annabrolena)

ExR mixed media fic, alternating perspectives.  

Usually stories that get told half through dialogue and half through articles drive me nuts with their incongruence and messiness with image formatting, but this author did a phenomenal job with the article styles and telling the story and keeping me interested without bogging the whole thing down with extra formatting. 

If There’s No One Beside You (When Your Soul Embarks) by ToBeFerre

ExR reincarnation fic, Grantaire’s perspective.  Everyone is back except Enjolras, and Grantaire is trying to keep the club running until Enjolras’s return.

I just really love the concept of the anxiety they carry and the ways they’ve changed since the first time around.

Felled By You, Held By You by EyeOfAHurricane (@eyeofahurricaneart)

ExR progression fic, alternating perspective.  Grantaire falls in and out of love with Enjolras.

The concept of love and affections being ephemeral things, the way that love moves more quickly for some than others, and the seasonal symbols made me start thinking and inspired another yet-incomplete fic.

Iconic:

The World Ain’t Ready by IdiopathicSmile (@idiopath-fic-smile)

ExR fake-dating fic, Grantaire’s perspective.  I’m not providing a description because this is required reading for anyone in the Les Mis fandom.  Just read it if you haven’t yet.

Friday I’m in Love by The Librarina (tears_of_nienna) (@thelibrarina)

ExR fake-dating fic, Enjolras’s perspective.  Enjolras is going to his family’s summer residence for a week and needs a way to stick it to his parents.

Words Never Spoken by StrawberryBubbles

ExR soulmate AU, Enjolras’s perspective.  Your first words with your soulmate are supposed to appear when you turn 18, but Enjolras’s never do.

Your Heart on Your Skin by Zade (@racetrackthehiggins)

ExR soulmate AU, Grantaire’s perspective.  Flowers appear on your body that represent different qualities about you as you experience life experiences that bring them about.

The Season Underwater by andtheheir

ExR swimteam AU fic, Grantaire’s perspective.  Grantaire is put on the varsity swimteam for his junior year and really doesn’t want to let Enjolras down.

This fic is just really beautifully written and really started to make me think about my writing style and start experimenting with it more.

BE by ToTheWillOfThePeople (@kvothes)

ExR theater AU fic, Enjolras’s perspective.  Enjolras is roped into directing a production of Hamlet.

Arcadia Ballet!Verse by Darrenjolras

ExR ballet AU fic, Grantaire’s perspective.  Grantaire shot his mouth off at some gorgeous up and coming dancer, and now he has to choreograph an entire ballet.

Fluff:

In Love When You Wake Me Up by BethXP

ExR fic, Enjolras’s perspective.  Enjolras wakes up from his surgery high and in the presence of his two best friends and a third person.

These Are Some of my Favorite Things (The Post-It-Note!fic) by Zimriya (@zimriya)

ExR fic, Grantaire’s perspective.  Enjolras has been leaving post-it notes on things (Grantaire) with seemingly no logic behind it.

Foregone Conclusion by Raeldaza (@raeldaza)

ExR fic, Enjolras’s perspective.  Enjolras is receiving gifts from an “anonymous source” (but he’s pretty sure he knows from whom).

As I was doing these, I realized that there are some others authors whose works I love that I didn’t have one or two fics I could choose to put up but still wanted to include (and there are probably more that I’m forgetting):

Myrmidryad (@myrmidryad)

Lovely, thorough writing style.

Sunfreckle (@mysunfreckle)

Lots of lovely Jehanparnasse!  They and Opium_du_Peuple are my go-to’s for Jehanparnasse content.

SarahYYY (@sarah-yyy)

So many ExR short stories!  Definitely peruse all of her stuff (though be aware–it’s a bit like Russian roulette for the sad stuff; there’s one in there that I was even prepared for and am still recovering from).

Lady_Ragnell

Everything by her is Just.  Iconic.  So good.

Noelia_g

Also really good.  (Sorry, I lost my steam by the end of writing this monster, I really do enjoy her work.)

If anyone knows the tumblrs for any of the authors that I haven’t already tagged, please DM me so I can add them in!

[chilly-territory]

K ~ Four Seasons of K: Wall

October’s story, with the Blue clan. I have some backlog with these short stories, I’ll try to work on it.

The original Japanese text is kindly provided by blueseraphima, as usual.

Wall by Furuhashi Hideyuki

In a corner of Scepter 4's training ground, a wall had appeared. Seemingly made of logs stacked sideways, it was about 5 meters wide and 3 meters high. Metal fixtures and posts fastened it to the ground reliably so that it wouldn't so much as budge from a human's push or shove.

First, the troops went to Awashima and asked her about the meaning behind the wall's appearance. Awashima, as bewildered at the question as they were when they had discovered the construction, went straight to the office of the organization’s head and inquired about his motives regarding the installation.

"---Ah, that." The head of Scepter 4, Munakata Reishi, flashed an enigmatic smile as he acknowledged the question. "Well, it's, uh... fufu... a wall, I believe." "Yes, I assure you I have gathered that much, sir." "It is an installation borrowed from a certain place." "Uh-huh."

Indeed, the wall in question was a prefabricated construction that bore evidence of long-time use. It did look like an equipment belonging to some organization. Still, that didn't explain its purpose... or better yet, Munakata's intentions behind it.

Awashima waited for him to elaborate further, but Munakata offered no other explanation, just stared out the window at the autumn sky above, as if to purposefully avoid the questioning.

*

"...So... what are we supposed to do with this wall, anyway...?" "For starters, what's it even used for?"

The troops of the Swordsmen Division, lined up on the ground with Awashima facing the line and the wall visible behind her back, exchanged perplexed glances.

Only, among them...

"Mmn, isn't that..." "Yeah, sure brings back memories."

...there were those who looked at each other in recognition. The individuals in question were the two prominent members of the Swordsmen Division's elite unit, the Special Ops squad, Akiyama Himori and Benzai Yuujirou.

"Does this thing ring a bell for you two?" Awashima asked. "Yes, it does," Akiyama volunteered. "I believe it is a hurdle race wall."

To provide a demonstration, Akiyama broke into a light-legged jog on the approach to the wall and, kicking the tips of his boots against its surface, ran up it. Then, planting both his hands on top of the wall and using them as a pull-up point, he swung his body up, easily scaling the 3 meter wall and landing on the opposite side of it.

"The same equipment is used for training new recruits in National Defense Force. Back there, such walls were often part of standard running courses and training drills." "Ohh," the troops exhaled collectively, internalizing Akiyama's explanation and being impressed by his trained movements. There was a reason why that earned their admiration.

The thing was, fundamentally, the members of Scepter 4's Swordsmen Division had been selected and brought together mostly based on 2 conditions, those being you had to be a young man of about 20, give or take a few years, and you had to have aptitude for superpower. So long as those requirements were met, your personal history or origins mattered little. So if anything, the troops who, like the ex-members of the National Defense Force Akiyama and Benzai, underwent professional combat training in their previous line of work were in minority.

Moreover, since Scepter 4's main premise assumed utilization of your superpower when in combat, it could be said that even after enlistment, purely physical training was kept to a minimum and designed only to allow the recruits to reach the most basic level of physical prowess.

"So am I to take the Captain's aim with this is a boost of physical performance through more physical-geared forms of training, I wonder?" Awashima asked no one in particular with a pensive look on her face. "Aww." "Sounds like a tall order, if you ask me." Hidaka and Fuse from the Special Ops grumbled behind her.

Whipping her head to give them a withering glare, Awashima turned back to Akiyama and Benzai.

"Operative Akiyama, operative Benzai, can you make some time for me today after your shift is over? I'm planning to revise our training program, and I could use your input."

*

And so...

"Well then, first, Akiyama, Benzai... show them how it's done." "Yes, ma'am!"

A few days later, singled out by Awashima, Akiyama and Benzai took a step forward, breaking away from the line.

"On your mark!" Awashima ordered. "Ready... Go!"

Together with the command, the two broke into a run. The track they were running on was a newly built hurdle race course, circling the grounds. Under the ban on using their superability to reinforce their bodies, the two galloped in leaps, propelling themselves with just their raw leg strength, in full uniform and with the sabers strapped to their hip.

Their speed was about equal. Like two arrows fired from the same bow at the same time, they were advancing through the course shoulder to shoulder.

30 meters in front of them, there stood the wall. As if by some sixth sense, they kicked off at the same time, pushing up and scaling it.

"Ohh..." the troops stirred behind them.

The wall wasn't the only hurdle in the hurdle course. The track could also boast the typical obstacles used in track-and-field events, ditches dug to imitate trenches and nets strung to make one crawl under them - Akiyama and Benzai, running side by side at the exactly same speed, were clearing the hurdles with the exactly same movements. Completing one full lap took them about 3 minutes. The requirement to complete 5 such laps in one go was Akiyama and Benzai's own proposal as the ex-National Defense team. Passing in front of the lined up troops, they went for their second lap, scaling the wall together a second time. Their speed didn't drop any.

"Alright, now, Team 1, on your mark! Ready... Go!"

"Team 2, on your mark!"

A lap behind Akiyama and Benzai, one by one, the troops started on the course. The moment the previous team scaled the wall, the next team was given the go-ahead signal to begin pursuit, and if that team caught up to the team that started on the course before them, they were declared winners and were to continue pursuit of the teams in front, overtaking them one by one. Those were supposed to be the rules. Since none aside from a handful few were used to such physically taxing exercise, a certain number of dropouts was within expectations.

Only...

The result was far more dreadful than anyone could have expected.

What's worse, the aforementioned wall had literally become the insurmountable hurdle in the troops' path. On the first try on their first lap, only about half of the members were able to scale it. Although the rest were able to clear it on their second try after adjusting some things like the speed of the approach run, on their second, third and fourth lap, due to evident lack of stamina, those who simply gave up on overcoming it had started to appear one after another.

As a result, by the time Akiyama and Benzai had finished their fifth lap (arriving at the same time), there was no one left who could still run maintaining the pace, and Awashima declared the exercise suspended.

Most of the troops sank down to the ground around the wall.

"Huff, huff, huff... this is... just meaningless! Especially seeing that we could leap over a wall like this in no time if we just used our power...!" Doumyouji, another member of the Special Ops squad, grumbled, being a sorry loser, as he stretched out his legs. "Puff, puff... Our superpower is not... limitless though. And when push comes to shove, your physical endurance might be... what can make difference..." Kamo Ryuuhou, also a member of the Special Ops squad, folded his arms and nodded primly... except he, too, was gracelessly seated right on the ground.

"I had no idea our troops' stamina levels were this badly all over the place...." Awashima sighed, observing the troops, or rather, what looked more like heaps of corpses lying all around. "To be honest, it came as a complete surprise to us, as well," Akiyama and Benzai agreed with her, visibly discomfited. "From here on out, I'll have all the troops focus on building up basic endurance for a while. I ask you two to cooperate with me." "Ma'am, yes, ma'am." "Uwaaah~~~" Hidaka, stretched out on the ground, let out pathetically.

"Still..." Akiyama said in a voice barely above whisper, taking in once again the disgraceful sight his coworkers made, "To see through this state of affairs before even any of us field operatives could and make a preemptive move like this..." Knowing what Akiyama wanted to say by that, Benzai, too, felt great admiration as he said, "Yeah, that's the Captain for you... He truly is a frightening person."

Just then, a lone truck rolled onto the HQ premises through a side gate, carrying additional equipment Munakata Reishi had arranged for.

*

The 'Stamina Buildup Training Circuit', prepared for the Swordsmen Corps based on the first day's hurdle race, was to be put to use in the form incorporating Munakata's further proposals. Namely...

The wall was to be utilized in 'Candy Hunt', the hurdles in 'Bread Eating Contest', the tranches in 'Spoon Race', and the crawl sections in 'Scavenger Hunt'.

"Buwhoo...!" Akiyama, face white, chocked. Unexpectedly, he was positively no good at this game that required participants to find a candy hidden in a tray of wheat flour without using their hands.

"Uwooooo...!" On the other side of the field, Kamo, emitting an angry growl, charged the bread hanger stand, but the more he strained, the wilder the anpan, hanging by a thread, swung back and forth, not letting him put his mouth on it.

"Kamo-san! Remember that using your hands is against the rules!" Hidaka taunted, skillfully balancing a ping-pong ball in a spoon on the run. Having conquered the crawl section, he checked the slip of paper to find out what item he was to borrow for Scavenger Hunt.

"Eno, Eno, Eno---! Glasses, your glasses, gimme your glasses---!!!" Sweeping the glassed off the face of his fellow Special Ops squad member, Enomoto, who was spectating outside the course, Hidaka rushed back.

"Nfufu... Hidaka always gets so excited when it comes to things like this." "Well, the dude's basically a party animal." Two more members of the Special Ops squad, Gotou and Fuse, let lopsided smiles curve their lips.

"Things like this, huh..." Enomoto intoned, squinting accusingly at the course without the aid of his glasses. "...Isn't it just that the Captain wants to have a sports meet, no?" "Hey, you're only realizing it now, man?" Fuse couldn't help making the quip. "Nfu. He must be watching us this very moment on the monitor in his office and grinning like there's no tomorrow." Gotou himself broke into a wide grin.

As he did, Doumyouji, not looking enthused in the least, ran up to them from behind to comment, "But apparently, there are people who don't exactly share that view."

"Hey, you over there!" As if to prove him right, Awashima, who was observing the course, shouted to him right then. "You're in the middle of training! Cease your idle whispering this instance!"

"See?" Doumyouji said quietly to Enomoto's group. "Yes, ma'am!" he then replied loudly to their superior officer and made his way back to the course at a speed calculated to be just barely above the level where she'd snap at him again.

"Buwhoo...!" Benzai choked up ahead. "Hell yeah---!!!" Above the head of Hidaka, who came in first, decorative balls split open, spewing confetti to dance against the autumn sky.

[sarahburness]

Growing from Ghosting: 5 Things To Consider While Dealing with Silence

“The important thing to remember is that when someone ghosts you, it says nothing about you or your worthiness for love and everything about the person doing the ghosting. It shows he/she doesn’t have the courage to deal with the discomfort of their emotions or yours, and they either don’t understand the impact of their behavior or worse, don’t care.” ~Jennice Vilhauer

Let’s get this out of the way first: Ghosting is crappy etiquette. There’s no real, concrete excuse for it, except perhaps pure, unadulterated laziness with a touch of cruelty.

We take for granted how much technology has changed the way we interact with people. We are humans first, but it seems we may be conflict-avoiding robots second. Efficiency and avoidance reign supreme in this futuristic dating world of 2017, and because of how easy it is to disregard anything and everything, common courtesy has now become painfully underutilized.

To be frank: it is exceptionally easy to ghost someone who has no connection to your life previous to the one encounter. If you aren’t feeling it with this new person, and you don’t want to use the mental leaps it takes to articulate a rejection to a practical stranger, then more likely than not you won’t communicate at all.

Access to the ignore button has never been easier, and pressing “unmatch” on Tinder equates deleting the person from your headspace and your own personal universe. Here are five things to consider in the land of ghosts.

1. What do you really want from the person who’s ghosting you?

In the land where easy hookups are abundant, polyamory is normal, and ethical non-monogamy sounds like something you’d see at a farmers market, here we all are, trying to figure this new world of dating out. With each generation of dating (and dating apps), we are met with new terminology, new hats to try on for ourselves, and we’re re-focusing our energies on what we are really looking for.

I am a monogamous person. That doesn’t mean that in my fifty-plus first dates, I haven’t been able to recognize some of my own awful behavior (long, dramatic paragraphs of anxiety-ridden texts to a new potential date, anyone?), so I’ve had to reexamine myself a multitude of times, take a major chill pill, and reorganize my needs and desires.

That being said, asking myself, “What am I really looking for?” after I get painfully ghosted is seemingly the best question to ask.

Why exactly was this painful (beyond it being inhuman and previously nonexistent before modern day dating)? Did I just want acknowledgement of my humanity? Closure so I can focus on the next person? Did I even find this person particularly interesting? What other things are going on in my life that are causing me to react so strongly?

Yes, monogamy is important to me, but getting overly upset about a person who feels no attachment toward me is a new kind of character building experience. Ghosting is a reminder that life is unfair and often severe. Technology has made communicating with each other easier to access, and yet has created a strange isolating landscape in which we are all a part of.

This feeling of desertion still applies to people who have been ghosted after several dates, or friendships that have suddenly and painfully disappeared; it just becomes more painful and potent.

2. The sea of excuses don’t feel any better than being ghosted.

I got on my old OKCupid account a couple years after being off. In a cruel twist of fate, I saw a sea of all of the men that I dated previously. We were all in this together, apparently, like some sort of sad loner club no one signed up for.

Here we were, the men that ghosted me and the men that like to me too much, and I didn’t feel the same. Somehow, after years we were all still here, and all using the same tired profile pictures.

After a few days, a man messaged me a lackluster apology that he ghosted me as he was going through “some stuff” at the time. And with that, he walked back into the internet, never responding my follow-up questions. Gee, thanks, I’m glad I could be a vessel in which you exonerated yourself from your strange guilt.

Does it feel better that he weakly apologized and gave a vague excuse for his behavior three years later? Not particularly. So, expecting any explanation at a later time isn’t helpful in this ghosting journey that we are all on.

More common than ghosting, here are some boring/obvious excuses I have heard instead of being ghosted, and they feel about the same as the disappearing act itself. In no particular order:

“Sorry, I’m not really looking for anything serious right now.” (They say, fully aware that I was a monogamous person looking for something serious before meeting.)

“You lied on your profile. You said you were 5’8”, but you’re taller.” (He says, as he lied about his own height, weight, blah, blah, blah. For the record, I’ve been 5’8” since I was twelve, unless I had a spontaneous growth spurt at thirty.)

“I didn’t sense a connection.” (He says, as he talked at me the entire time, completely unaware that I actually possessed a personality that he didn’t want to take part in.)

“You’re too good for me.” (Yes, probably so.)

People are either desperate or not desperate enough. This ebb and flow of dating is equal parts predictable and surprising. Protect your heart, date whoever you want, but know that you will eventually get your feelings hurt. Whether it’s half-baked excuses, or radio silence forever. You know the saying though: better to buy a ticket to the lottery than never to have played, right? RIGHT?

3. Know that you may ghost someone yourself.

Even I, Queen of All Emotions, have accidentally ghosted someone before.

Have you ever met someone so unremarkable you just simply forgot about them? You sat there during your date shrugging your shoulders, stirring your iced tea, wondering if this person had a pulse.

He stared at me blankly, asked me what I did, and I felt as if I was in a weird, monotone interview for a job that I didn’t remember applying for. As careful as I am, I accidentally ghosted someone and they were sad about it. I couldn’t even bring myself to apologize in fear I would open up the strange waves of communication with this person again.

It happens. I get it. It’s a two-way street and I’m human enough to realize my shortcomings. I’m sorry, Kevin. Or was it Brian? James? Steven?

4. You cannot educate a ghost.

This may be the most important realization on my journey through ghost country: You simply cannot educate a ghost. There will always be people perpetuating this stereotype of non-consideration (maybe even you!).

These people are not in your control. Sending them a “wake up call” does not work. It’s not your job to educate them.

This idea has been the hardest thing for me to accept. I have sent paragraphs of texts to men who have ghosted me. This only solidifies the silence. Obviously the person is not texting you back if you’re going to badger him on his shortcomings.

Maybe they’re going through something, you’re not on their mind, they don’t care in the slightest, or their phone was eaten by an alligator. Whatever the case may be, they don’t care enough to contact you, so your novel of setting the balance right in the world will go to blind eyes. It will drive you insane if you allow it. Do not allow it.

As long as you’re honest with yourself about your needs, somewhat earnest in whatever you’re trying to accomplish datingwise, then you can overcome this. It’s all you can do. Getting ghosted means actively becoming a stronger, wiser person, because the alternative is bitterness and never ending frustration.

Technology is still the Wild West of communication. We know how to correctly formulate an email to our boss, a job prospect, your great aunt Mabel, but to someone who is virtually meaningless to us, it’s becomes considerably more of a gray area.

In general, people just don’t know how to socialize properly in a digital format, so we have created a culture where we simply don’t. And because this was a casual encounter, saying something at all could put us in a situation where the other person over-compensates with their hurricane of emotions if the feelings weren’t mutual.

I get it, you don’t want to deal with a hot mess and I don’t want to deal with your issues either, and thus perpetuates the ghosting cycle of life.

5. In other words, relax.

Know that you’re putting in the effort. Know that if things are supposed to work out they will work out. Find a mantra, yoga, meditation technique, eat a giant plate of pancakes, do whatever makes you feel better to get over the first few hurdles of the unavoidable ghosting epidemic.

No one ever promised us that dating was always going to be enjoyable. The funny anecdotes in romantic comedies make it look like a barrel of laughs, but sometimes it simply isn’t. Accepting this is an unfortunate part of the trade off of putting yourself out there is like learning a tedious aspect of your job. You’re going to hate it at first, but if you still want to date, this is part of the job description.

In other words, be brave, certainly put yourself out there, but also send only one follow-up text, otherwise you will drive yourself into certain madness.

About Sarah E. Miller

Sarah E. Miller is a freelance writer, dabbler, collaborator, and an occasionally funny lady. She spends her days writing for various blogs, dreaming up big ideas and trying to put those dreams into action. To learn more about Sarah, visit her website sarahdoesitanyway.wordpress.com.

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