#Is my memory dog shit or is it normal to not remember trivial shit like that?

[estrellazzz]

so curious about what memory looks like in the general population

If i asked the general population what they had for breakfast (if they even did) 2 days ago, would they be able to recall?

[artsy-hobbitses]

I'm getting very curious about Malaysia... what's it like there?? Culture, living conditions, etc.

Pretty loaded question!

Off the top of my head, some specifics:

- Very much a melting pot. Malay, Chinese and Indian ethnicities mingle pretty freely, interracial marriages are not uncommon (I’m quarter Chinese on my mum’s side) and the modern Malaysian slang is often a mishmash of Malay, Chinese and Indian words. You have a choice between public, vernacular (usually caters to a specific race ie. Chinese/Indian as a stronghold of the language/customs, however I had Malays friends who went to Chinese Vernacular schools) international, private and religious schools (mostly for the Muslim-Majority Malays). Public holidays are designated for all three major races (big ones are Eid, Deepavali and Chinese New Year) plus more specific ones in Sabah/Sarawak for the indigenous population, and it’s normal for say, Malays to be invited to a Deepavali gathering or for Chinese to be invited to Eid open houses. We’re usually chill about it like that.

- Despite this, racism exists. It’s not loud and proud like in western nations though (except for your occasional Malay nationalist politician) it tends to be more of the passive-aggressive sort. Some parents discreetly warn their kids about not being friends with [X] race at school, some house rental listings with single out [X] race, though we’re coming to the point that we’re not bothering with Asian decorum anymore and publicly shitting on that behavior. On a historical aspect, the potential reason it takes on a more subtle, passive-aggressive tone here was that on 13 May 1969, sectarian violence broke out between urban Chinese and Malays in Kuala Lumpur due to unrest over the general election, and this resulted in the deaths of 600 people, mostly Chinese (My mum lived through this time at the heart of the incident). Basically the nation’s been scarred and has feared a similar event ever since, so those spouting open racial violence get slammed down pretty quick and “Remember 13 May” has often been used as a warning for whenever tensions flare up. Or when politicians want us to keep our grumblings down. We tend to have a don’t-rock-the-boat mentality here on the basis of trying to keep the peace for everyone—-it doesn’t always work. Malay Privilege/“Ketuanan Melayu” is a thing you’ll hear often from some sections of Malays here, who tend to argue that since they’re technically the original inhabitants if the land (don’t quiz ‘em about the Orang Asli), they should get more rights than the others.

-Living conditions vary. I live in Selangor—the state surrounding the Capital Kuala Lumpur—-which has the highest density of denizens. Here, it’s pretty modern. My husband and I rent a two-story terrace house, my parents who are a little well-off have their own bungalow. Places like Penang, Perak and Johor also tend to be more in the modern side. You’ll find more rural areas and kampungs as you go deeper into the heart of country (Pahang), the East Coast (Kelantan, Terengganu) and the country’s rice bowl (Kedah, and by extension, Perlis). This is within the Peninsula—-Sabah (I lived here for about four years) and Sarawak have a combination of modern and rural areas and tend to take life at a much slower pace than the Peninsula states (They also want none of Peninsula’s religious tension bullshit). My father’s kampung is in Pahang, and while I was never close to my paternal grandparents, I do have fond memories of cooking outdoors and plucking rambutan bunches from the trees they grew.

- Wet. Very wet. Monsoon season/‘Musim Tengkujuh’ at year end interspace with mid-year. Fucks with the income of local fishermen who are barred from going to the ocean on the account of rough waves, Flooding is an annual occurrence for rural areas, though we get flash floods in cities too. Common enough that “check for crocodiles” isn’t a weird request when you come back to clean your homes from mud and silt. (Houses near flood-prone areas will employ walls or be built on stilts to withstand the floods).

- 9 Sultans for 9 states, they take turns becoming the Agong (Chief Sultan I guess?) every five years. They’re mostly there the same way the British monarchy is. Don’t really play a big role in politics unless there is a need for them to decree something when politicians can’t work things out between themselves.

- Political leapfrog. It’s. A thing. A politician you see from one party today can be a member of another party tomorrow. It’s gotten so bad they’re considering legislation to punish it. We do call them literal frogs (Katak) when they do this (Sorry frogs, you deserve better!)

- Food. All the fucking food. Melting pot = all the deliciousness. There’s no culturally appropriating cuisine here, everyone’s eating everyone else’s stuff with great gusto. Roti Canai/Chappati (Indian) for breakfast, Nasi Campur (mixed rice, mostly with Malay dishes) for lunch and Wantan Mee (Chinese) for dinner is an example of the food culture trip you go through on any given day. You’ll have Malays who adore Chinese food, Chinese who adore Malay food, and no one fights when they’re eating, that’s all there is to it. Places like Penang are a haven for food and people will make trips just to eat there.

- Islam is the main religion. However, it’s not strictly enforced in most cases, I’d dare even say that we’re quite secular, to the teeth-gnashing of the Facebook army. I’m a Muslim who doesn’t wear a headscarf (except on special occasions), I know Muslims who rescue and keep dogs (My hunter grandfather apparently caught and kept a Dhole as a house guard way back), and I know some who’re LGBT, albeit somewhat discreet about it.

- Speaking of LGBT, the country is not friendly to the community, but neither is it as hostile as sections of the US tend to be about it. As an example, gay conversion therapy isn’t really a thing there (presumably because that would entail the govt admitting that there’s enough gay people to require it at all), workplaces generally do not have a policy targeting people based on their sexualities, like you’ll find butch ladies serving you drinks at Starbucks and gay men working with local theatre productions, and violence against LGBT members is pretty rare (though I imagine this is more because most people here mostly do not want to kick up a fuss in public, what more a fight, and just judge from a distance). Basically, the majority of the public will tolerate LGBT existence—whispering behind their back——until there starts to be a call for rights.

- Good degree of English command. English is understood, if not spoken, by a lot of us here from cab drivers to stall owners, so you won’t be hopelessly lost if you decide to visit. A big majority of us are at LEAST bilingual (In my case, I speak English and Malay, and can understand some Arabic). Quite a number who come from interracial marriages are trilingual.

- Cheap healthcare. There’s a reason we’re one of the top destinations for medical tourism. You have a choice between private and government hospitals which provide a form of universal healthcare. Govt clinics/hospitals offer subsidized healthcare and meds to all members of the public, and most doctors will start out in government hospitals before moving to private practices (like my sister-in-law). Uninsured, a trip to a normal clinic for a consultation will set you back maybe twenty to thirty bucks, fifty if you need meds or a small procedure like stitches. I do have insurance but have never used it for doctor visits since the amount is pretty trivial. I have, however, used it for a hysterectomy surgery + 1 month hospital stay at a private hospital which set me back about RM30,000-RM40,000 (USD7000-USD9500) which I managed to get covered. Ambulance Fees are like, RM200 (USD47) for private hospitals and RM50 (USD12) for govt hospitals. Consultation fees, blood tests and X-Rays go as low as RM1 (24 Cents) in govt hospitals. If you get hurt here, we got you covered.

And that’s just off my head! If there’s something specific you’d like you know, feel free to ask further ouob

[retphienix]

I Have A Lot To Say So I'll Read More This.

The short of it?

I'm glad I played Joker- I played it because I wanted to know how DQM evolved when it reached the DS and I got my answer.

It's mediocre. Not bad exactly, I enjoyed playing it, it adds some REALLY appreciated features to the DQM series and if you were playing it at release it had online play which plays well with the post game content which I haven't touched by the time I wrote this:

-but there are some engine/console specific things that made it a drag and there are some parts of the game that are just weaker than the previous games which is amusing since the previous games were simple GBC titles.

And finally, I don't really recommend playing through Joker 1. Can't speak on the sequels, but Joker 1 was a pretty middling experience for me so I'm the wrong person to get a positive recommendation from.

And since the opportunity presents itself: If you like monster RPGs and haven't tried it- go emulate Dragon Warrior Monsters 2 for the GBC, it's really good and also if you emulate you can fast forward the GBC era grind if that's your taste- really a win all around.

On to my rambling:

I debated on writing, rewriting, rewriting, and better presenting my thoughts on this game and the series as a whole but nah, Joker ain't getting that, I'm ramblin'- lol

I will split it slightly between "The ending" and "The game as a whole" though.

Ending:

1:07 - This is slightly a 'game a a whole' thing but honestly it's funny to me that you unlock a permanent repel in this game by doing the main quest. I entered this dungeon feeling strong enough to beat the game, so I just avoided 90% of encounters entirely.

5:00 - I genuinely got a laugh out of Sparkpug's whole deal in this finale. Not story wise, that's fine, no complaints- I mean that Sparkpug is clearly built to be a monster that can carry an ineffective team. He's clearly meant to be bred a few times and a god tier member of a potentially inexperienced player's team- but I literally never used him after the intro.

So during this scene it's supposed to be like "I'm a demi-god monster, you can't possibly beat me" and I'm thinking "Dude, you're like level 10 and shit tier, you can't win, this is hilarious."

Obviously it's a real boss fight and not 'face the monster you once had' but I was having fun roasting him behind the scenes of this recording.

45:00 - What an entirely unexpected change of pace.

Like, I had it spoiled for me by a screenshot that Dr. Snap becomes a monster or something- but I thought maybe he was always a monster or something, and also I got a bad look at him.

HE TURNS INTO A BODY HORROR BEAST, THAT'S NUTS.

Genuinely a highlight of the game.

52:00 - I fucking laughed what a meaningless exchange where the payoff is saying "He was stupid!", it's honestly just silly and dumb but not necessarily bad just dumb lol

55:00 - Not a great 'you won' victory lap. Like at all. Kinda feels like they should have just made this all a cutscene where I appear back at town and see that Solitaire is the leader now etc etc.

I kinda don't understand why it's a victory lap at all? Because all anyone says is "They picked a weird successor to Snap >:(" or "Snap went to the island? I bet he was stopping the calamity :)"

If you have 2 lines of dialogue prepared, maybe don't make a victory lap???

1:00:00 - What a fucking stupid payoff lol

Like sincerely, Solitaire does NOTHING the entire game! She's meaningless from start to finish! And the 'surprise' is that she's the new commish??? And she got the position because she's a rich spoiled brat??? Like LITERALLY that's why????????

What a stupid fucking ending lol

Now her proposed evolution of the contest is fair enough, I mean it's childish as hell, but to be fair- more contests is a fine idea especially since prior games and this game demonstrated the public's interest in watching monster fights. And the goal being to fight her as the final fight is fucking egotistical and stupid- BUT- it does play into the fact that the player didn't get to fight her the whole game so it's whatever?

1:03:00 - This is both the best and worst lol.

This game has no story, like at all, it's fucking empty front to back, and only explodes with like- 1 event at the very end.

This moment is a montage of memorable moments with your 'best friend' Sparkpug. It's cinematically very nice to be honest! Even includes a moment I don't remember at the arena which probably didn't happen lol.

So visually it's cool- I dig seeing the camera zoom out as we run across the beach, and the flashback moments intersplice over us making our way to the scout memorial- that's very well done.

The content is empty lol

As I said there's no story, these moments are nothing lol

And that's that.

All said the ending was a very nice challenge to face with my team- I had to abuse items like mad but I MADE IT! It was a GOOD fight.

The rest I've already said.

On to the game as a whole:

I have issues with this game, but there's good too. It's really like 4 steps forward 6-7 steps back it's weird, it's really weird.

Positives are neat!

> First and foremost- TRAITS!

Monsters in Dragon Quest Monsters have always had a problem with keeping their identity for long. The way I'd explain it to an outsider to the series is that Monsters DO have special stat variance and intended movesets and all that jazz- but the breeding system completely and entirely destroys that relatively early into the game.

While a monster might normally have really high defense and low other stats while knowing buffing magic- breeding, EVEN UNINTENTIONALLY, will have that same monster come out with 9 billion attack and all ice magic.

Monsters in DQM have a habit of becoming canvases for the breeding effects rather than their own mons- and this is undeniably a downside. It makes the game feel unique, it doesn't 'hurt' it, but when by mid-game monsters are more easily identified as sprites rather than strengths and weaknesses or even types (family) it's a slight downer on the series.

Traits fix this a lot by making every specific monster have unchangeable traits which offer things like "immunity to x type of damage" or "higher crit chance"- it's small, but it gives each monster more identity.

> Second and secondmost- SKILLS!

The older games didn't use trees, it used each individual spell as a potential pass on during breeding.

Each monster could have 8 spells, and when you breed two monsters you pass on all 16 spells to the offspring (they don't learn them all at once, they learn them as they level up) as well as the natural spells the monster would learn by level up.

So in the older games it is really easy to end up with a refined and overpowered list of 8 spells on each of your monsters.

Now spells are tied to Skill trees and your monsters can have 3 skill trees total (which are passed on as OPTIONS when breeding).

All to say skills do a lot for removing the "Master of all, weakness of none" spell lists that the older games made trivial to make, now you have to limit your builds and be more specialized- also they added skills like "Attack up" to add more variance to a build- instead of having spells you might just have high stat buffs as skill trees.

Overall I think Skills are an improvement because coupled with Traits it makes each monster feel much more specialized and unique and less like a sprite with no identity.

> Breeding is improved.

This is very much because of skills and traits- again- but also the system is just improved in general. Instead of being told "That's a monster you haven't had before!" and judging your decisions based on the name of the offspring breed, now you get to see a small sprite of the resulting monster to help you decide- ALSO instead of getting 1 result for every combo (to the point where you have to back out and choose Monster A + Monster B and Monster B + Monster A as separate options), you now get up to 3 results to pick between for every breeding opportunity.

It's just better.

> The engine is impressive.

At least to me. This is a DS title using (from what I read) a rework of the DQ8 PS2 game's engine- it certainly looks like it.

Combat models are nice, using moves looks nice, overworld exploration looks nice- it looks nice.

Now for some negative and general nonsense- all of which is more often than not 'weird'.

> I gotta be unfair and say "The Story" first and foremost.

DQM 1 and 2 are not intense story games. They aren't.

But they both knew how to handle their story well for what they wanted to tell, I can and will praise both for their narratives because they know what they are and do it well.

DQM:J does not. It's fucking bad.

Basically: The overall story doesn't exist- you're told to be a spy, but that comes up 1 time towards the end of the game and LITERALLY doesn't matter at any other moment INCLUDING the one time it comes up.

You have NO meaningful objective from the start up until near the end of the game. You show up and have no goal- so you get told to get some crystals with no meaning behind it (not even a lie because they are clearly evil- not even a lie to motivate you! NO MEANING IS PRESENTED! JUST DO IT! TO DO THE CONTEST I GUESS! WHY? SHUT UP!)

So 90% of the game time you're not doing anything meaningful. So what about the islands? Any small narratives to keep things moving?

NO!

NOT AT ALL!

So you go 90% of the game having no real objective, just kinda wandering forward mindlessly- and then the game suddenly goes "Oh! Guy who seemed sus! He's evil! He's gonna unleash the calamity that you were 'kinda but not directly' working towards with your dog! You know, that plot point that's kept vague and paid 0% attention to the entire game? Yeah it's happening! Aaaaand you're done! GG!"

Basically there's just nothing going on in this game, it's all background noise until the last 10% of the game. And that's lame.

DQM1 had a light story- but from the very intro cutscene you have a clear objective which makes every action you do seem relevant as you are working towards that goal.

From the start of the game you know "My sister is gone! The king says a magic wish can get her back! I'll go do that!" and then you do!

DQM2 has a much better story!

You have a goal from the start (The kingdom is physically dying and you have to save it by getting a new plug!) AND it has stories for each world you visit!

THAT'S MILES BETTER! THIS GAME COULD HAVE DONE THAT FOR THE ISLANDS!

Anywho. Story is lacking and empty and lame especially when DQM2 has a similar format but does every part better- you have a clear objective you're working towards AND side stories to keep the light narrative moving!

WTH!

The spy plotline doesn't matter! It could have been used to build suspicion on who's the good guy!

The islands are so empty of story!

DQM2 has a fun mix on how a rival character works which makes every world interesting to see how they get involved!

This game has a rival that does NOTHING!!!!!!!!!

It's just such a step back from the previous games, it's weird to see DQM 1 land a solid simple story and DQM 2 build a great format to expand the story going forward- and then DQM:J just slams its head into the dirt and wipes out.

> Game's slow.

The engine switch is a good thing overall, but it makes combat slower (a lot), adds loading screens to combat (primarily), and they didn't bother speeding up the grind from previous games.

Because of the grind still existing which isn't a problem in and of itself- the game becomes SLOW AS HELL because the engine makes that grind take longer.

Also world exploration is slow which is to be expected when moving from 2d to 3d, but this is countered by adding things to the world to find or do- and Joker tries but it's still noticeable. The world exploration isn't a problem, it just stands out alongside the combat being slow as hell.

The engine change was a great thing- but it feels like they should have put more work into speeding up combat to counter the slowdown of load times and flashy animations.

A GOOD WAY TO FIX THAT MIGHT BE XP!

> Music ain't great in my opinion.

DQ has amazing music. This game has some weak renditions in my opinion. The CELL HQ theme song is a pretty good poster child for the worst there is, but just in general even the better music is lacking compared to the chiptunes of the GBC or the better mixes of the main series.

Maybe it's unfair, it's a DS game, I don't know, I just know I ended up just muting most of the game because it didn't sound great. I played the GBC games OSTs instead for a large portion of my playthrough. I listened to videos instead for the bulk of the game.

It's just not pleasant to me, sorry to say.

> XP!!!!!!!

I'm being a spoiled ass on this but yeah!

XP SUCKS IN THIS!

There aren't good placed to grind until you beat the game! (apparently)

The first level blatantly has too low xp which makes you grind before you can tackle the boss of the island- and the late game has you mindlessly grinding low xp rewards in order to be ready to face the final boss.

It's WEIRD!

Why is it so low!

> Tech is weird!

I could ramble on this alone but here's the short version:

DQ has a unique fantasy world aesthetic that each game has explored in its own way. It's basically "swords, magic, monsters, and charm- things feel light but aren't afraid to get scary sometimes :)"

This game... doesn't.

This game has fuckin' tech watches, jet skis, TOWER PCS????

This ISN'T dragon quest on a world building level.

It's like, contemporary modern world but with slimes.

And that could be good I guess, but it feels so fucking weird to see PCs right alongside swords and axes and a dracky.

Like... why?

It's a poor aesthetic according to my tastes. Maybe I'm an ass for that. The tech is weird.

All to say, in a poor rambling "I gotta get this out of me" kinda way, is Joker was fine.

I enjoyed breeding. I enjoyed seeing the engine. I enjoyed the unique additions like a 'hero monster'.

But I also had to grind mindlessly on a slower game.

I had to endure a story that forgot to show up until the very end.

I sat there thinking about replaying the older ones the whole time.

It was fine.

It's mediocre.

I'm glad I played it.

I'm done now :)

[imaginejamesandsirius]

Sirius on anaesthesia from a muggle surgery (needed for something his parents did or his incessant smoking) with lots of care fluff 🥰

((A/N: Mentions of child abuse, serious injuries, and recovery, and mild homophobia))

It was hard to find Sirius appropriately cute being all doped up because of the circumstances. James would like to make one thing quite clear: Sirius was adorable. At all times and in all ways. 

But the situation was... well, utter shite. It proved how much it was utter shite that when James accidentally used that exact phrasing in front of his parents, they agreed instead of telling him to watch his language. Sirius hadn't said (yet) what set it off, but his parents had gone completely mad. Beat him so bad he ended up in hospital, and the Potter parents had been granted temporary custody. Sirius was old enough that he'd probably become an adult before they finalized his custody with anyone. 

The cute part of this-- if there was one-- was how Sirius acted when he was all loopy from pain medication. James tried to enjoy the way Sirius would go full puppy eyes, and then he'd see the stitches on his head and have a hard time feeling good about anything. 

"Jaaaames," Sirius whinged, pawing half-heartedly at James's arm. His depth perception was buggered up with one eye covered, so he ended up a few centimetres short. And slightly to the left, but it was hard to say if that was an injury thing or a meds thing. 

"Yeah, Si?" 

"'m bored."

No screens, no moving... yeah he was real sodding bored and James couldn't blame him for it. The music Sirius normally listened to was punk, which Mum and Dad had declared too grating for his current state. That Sirius didn't fight them on it was proof enough that they were right about it. Sirius could sort of play games right now, but sometimes sitting up for too long was taxing, and again, depth perception was an issue. They'd tried to play Monopoly the other day, but he hadn't been able to put the money in the bank without fucking up and he got upset. All of this was to say that Sirius was bored, and while James was sympathetic, he didn't really know what he could do about it. "Alright. What- er, what do you want to do?" 

"What I really want to do is go got a malt from Fortescue's. Or have a smoke. But I'm guessing you're not going to let me do that." 

"Fuck no. I didn't like you smoking before, I'm sure as hell not going to help you do it now." 

Sirius gave a forlorn sigh. "Yeah, I thought not. What've you been doing?" He was pretty coherent right now, which was rare. His words were still a little slurred, but the doctors had said that would last for a while with everything going on. (They hadn't phrased it quite like that, but it's what James had taken from it.) 

"Staying with you? Your memory might be shite right now, but what did you really think I'd be doing?" 

"Hm. You're getting boring in your old age, Prongs." 

"I've gotten halfway through that series Remus was going on about," he offered. 

"That makes me more old, not less." 

James blinked at him. "Alright. Whatever." 

Sirius waved his arm at him, managing to hit his leg. "'m bored." 

"I can read to you?" James offered with a slight grimace. It's not like Sirius hated books or summat, but it was the only thing available to them right now and he'd always been more on the active side. 

"Can I pick the book?" 

"Sure." 

"Do we have any Seuss books here?" 

"Y'know, when you said you wanted to pick the book, I thought you were going to force me to read the history of punk or summat." 

"I want to hear you bugger up your words as much as I've been doing. Get one of those tongue-twister ones." 

"You haven't been that bad," James protested. 

Sirius tilted his head just to look him in the eye and give him a flat look. "Memory's shit, but I can hear what I sound like." 

"Your sentences are perfectly coherent." 

"Yeah, now. Didn't used to be." 

James didn't really know what to say to that, so he went off to find some Seuss books-- he knew that Dad had some around here somewhere-- with a careful pat on Sirius's shoulder as he left. 

*

"What'd your parents get in such a snit about anyways?" Peter asked. 

Sirius was healed enough that Mum and Dad had let Peter and Remus come over. "Told them I was queer," he said casually. "Well, technically I told them I was dating James, but like, same outcome for grandchildren. I guess they found it horribly offensive." 

James tried to remember how to breathe. He'd known that the Black parents were bigoted pieces of rubbish, but he hadn't realised just how bad they were. That they'd do this to Sirius at all was bad enough, but over something so trivial as who he liked to sleep with? 

"You're dating?" Remus asked. If he hadn't known about them, he was the only one. 

"Yeah mate," Peter said, doing everyone a favour by answering. "For like three years, where've you been?" 

"I-" Remus blinked. "Well I dunno. I knew they fancied each other, but I didn't know they'd actually done something about it." 

"How are you the dumbest bloke I've ever met," Peter asked flatly. 

"Practice?" 

James snorted, rubbing at his face. "Yeah, well maybe stop practicing. I think you've perfected it by now, Moony." 

"I second that," Sirius added. "Time to call it quits and make fun of us for being all sappy." 

"You're not the sappy sort," Remus said dismissively. 

Sirius and James shared a look. They kept things mildly toned down around their friends, but they were definitely the sappy sort. And even then, James was pretty sure they were more sappy in front of Remus and Peter than either of them really cared to see. "We'll see what you say at Hogwarts in a couple weeks when we're all stuck in the dormitory together again," Sirius said. 

"You gonna be better by then?" Peter asked, surprised. 

Sirius opened his mouth to give a customary answer that of course he'd be fine, nothing could keep him down, but then he stopped. He wasn't going to be going back to school with the rest of them. He was doing the work at home for the first month, and then they were letting him go back to Hogwarts if nothing else went wrong. The cut on his leg from surgery had started to get infected, and it had set back his recovery time. Originally though, he should've been able to go back for their final year of Hogwarts. "I meant you two having to watch James stare at his phone all moody and pining for me," he said with half a smile that none of them believed was real for a second. 

*

"I hate that you're leaving," Sirius muttered. 

"I hate it too," James said glumly, squeezing him carefully. He wanted to be comforting, but he also refused to hurt him just because he wasn't paying enough attention. He'd already asked his parents if he could stay here and join the term late like Sirius was doing, and the answer had been a firm no. 

"Don't get your phone taken away." 

"Wouldn't be the first time it's happened." 

"Yeah, but then I wouldn't have anyway of talking to you. Or showing you my progress with liquid eyeliner." 

"Is that really what you're going to be doing while I'm gone?" 

"Gotta do something with my time. Homework doesn't take but, what, two hours?" 

James hummed in agreement. He knew it wasn't like that for everyone, but school was boring as all hell. And he wouldn't even have Sirius to help distract him this time-- not for a while, at least. "So what am I supposed to do while you're busy doing your makeup?" 

"Hone your doodling skills?" 

"There's only so many times I can draw Slughorn running a furniture store before I get bored." 

"Then draw a comic, you lazy bastard." 

"What if Grubbyplank takes it away?" 

"Ask for it back. After class, of course." 

"Of course," James repeated, rolling his eyes. 

"That sass is not going to help you." 

"Aw c'mon. By this point, all the teachers know what to expect from me. Whether or not you're there," he added, because it seemed like the kind of loophole Sirius would try to use. "But fine. Comics about us and our epic love." 

"We're already living that. You should make one where I'm a dog." 

"Are we still in love when you're a dog? Or are you my pet? Or am I a dog too?" 

"How should I bloody know? I just think being a dog would be pretty relaxing." 

"Unless you're one of those dogs that has to pull a sled." 

"Then make me a house dog that lays around in the sun and goes for walks twice a day. That sounds nice." 

"Going for walks?" James asked. 

"Laying in the sun." 

"You realise you can do that now, right?" 

"Every time I lay on the floor, you think I'm hurt and freak out." 

"You did fall once," James pointed out, because it was important that Sirius remember there was a reason to him panicking. 

"I tripped. I didn't fall." 

"Does it matter?" 

"Meh. Not really." Sirius sighed, grabbing James's arm and repositioning it so he could hug it. "I just hate that I'm not gonna see you for so long." 

"Maybe you can visit on a weekend." 

"Yeah," he said neutrally. "Not sure Mum will let me. She's more paranoid than you are." 

"I'm not paranoid." 

Sirius scoffed. 

"I just want you to be healthy, is that so wrong?" 

"Saying yes would make me sound suicidal, so no, I guess it's not so bad." 

"Just- I dunno. Send me lots of snaps." 

"Course. Can't keep this beautiful face all to myself. Hell, by the time I'm back at school, it'll probably be safe for you to kiss me again." 

"Here's hoping," James said, pressing his lips lightly to the top of Sirius's head. 

[survey--s]

303.

If you had to teach a class, what would you teach?: Kindergarten, or something to do with dogs/animals.

Do you ever get room service when staying in hotels?:  Sure, I’ve done that several times. Normally we have breakfast in the room and then eat elsewhere for our other meals, though I have been known to order chips or something late at night, hahah.

Who knows you better than anyone else?:  My husband.

Would you ever want to go to Brazil?: It’s not top of my list, but if someone offered to pay for me, I wouldn’t exactly turn it down lol.

When did you last get into an argument?: I honestly don’t remember the last time I had a proper argument with anyone.

How did your parents meet each other?: They both worked in the same hospital in Australia. My dad broke up with his long-term girlfriend to be with my mum, lol.

What profession do you think is the most under-appreciated?: Teachers, nurses, carers.

Are there any medical conditions that run in your family?: Prostate cancer on my dad’s side, plus Aspergers/Autism.

Have you ever drawn on someone while they were sleeping?: Maybe as a little kid.

What was going on in your life two months ago?: Uh, the same as now, really. I was working a lot, learning how to ride and basically just living my life, lol.

Would you ever want to live a nomadic lifestyle?: Sometimes I think it looks really appealing but I’d only want to do it if I had an unlimited pot of money and didn’t have to worry about work or earning any kind of income.

Does time really heal all wounds? Or is that just a trivial saying?: I mean, I think time is a great healer but you do need to put the work in yourself as well. You can’t just expect to do nothing and have things improve for you.

In your opinion, what is the most toxic personality trait?: Narcissism. 

What band has the best guitar solos?: I don’t really pay attention to stuff like that.

Where is your favorite place to take a nap?: The bed or the sofa under a pile of blankets.

Would you rather lose all your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?: Neither.

Who is the biggest jerk you've ever met?: Chris, lol.

Have you ever swerved off the road to avoid hitting an animal?: No, but I have had to swerve to avoid hitting a dead badger before, lol. Those things are HUGE and it would have destroyed my car if I’d hit it.

What's a charity you would never donate to?: Uhh, I don’t really think about things like that. The only one I really donate to is Beagle Welfare anyway.

When did you last check your car's oil level?: It just gets done when it goes in for a service every year.

What's a tradition you hope never dies out?: Christmas.

Have you ever grown your own herbs?: No, I’m far too lazy to do shit like that, haha.

Do you have any exes you'd consider dating again?: No.

What sort of things/tasks do you do on a weekly basis?: Just weekly, not daily? Uhh, change the bedsheets, wash towels, change the litter trays, buy groceries, fill the car up, go out for coffee.

Do you read the nutrition labels on the packaged food you buy?: Sometimes.

What were some of your favorite classes you took in high school?: History, French, English, German.

[yaminerua]

can't sleep... The stress of everything today has just hit me all at once in a really bad wave and I hate it... Today was a nightmare.... And it's almost worse that it was different from how I'd expected it to go. I was prepared for a more antagonistic interaction.... The same old venom and snappiness... The same old quotes.  Her manipulative quips. And those were there. The guilt tripping was well in place. But also it was masked in completely different ways. And the frank way she spoke about things was like stabbing me in the chest with knives..

The way she talks about the past had me so close to breaking down right there in front of her. I wasn't prepared for her to just. Start talking about how she'd hide the alcohol bottles throughout the house as a secret stash. I wasn't prepared for any kind of conversation on that topic at all. And it just brought the past into vivid clear focus as if it hasn't been as long ago as it has. My hands were shaking.

Sometimes I feel like I've tried to box it all away to keep it from affecting me any more than it already has and does. But the effect has resulted in my own life feeling alien. Like it almost feels like that was someone else's life and memories that I just. Have. And then the rush of No that was real and you lived it and these are your memories and here they are in vivid perfect detail all comes in an overwhelming flood...

So much of what happened then has its effects still tight in a chokehold on me today.... There's deep trauma in there and today she was just speaking about it so casually. 

As if it was Nothing more than drinking too much and getting a bit mopey and depressed. As if the curtains were never set on fire, Windows and mirrors and ornaments were never broken, knives and forks and plates and glasses and pots were never thrown at anyone, stabbing and suicide threats were never made. As if all those violent fights and arguments and the police involvement weren't reality. As if I didn't curl up crying so many nights wishing the next night wouldn't be more of the same. As if I didn't sleep in the fucking dog hut some nights just to not be in the same house as her. As if I didn't come home from school dreading the moment I'd round the corner to see my dads car wasn't there and I'd have to enter the house expecting the worst. As if the sound of certain songs doesn't still trigger an immediately negative and aggressively upsetting emotional response because of the associations of violence they carry... As if nothing ever happened that would leave an effect on a child that would linger into adulthood and be deeply embedded. As if the mere thought alone of having to see her at all doesn't make me feel sick to my stomach...

She speaks about it so casually like it was merely an obstacle she overcame like stepping over a moderately sized but easily crossable puddle. As if it was a minor thing and not something that shook my brother and I's lives. It's like she's blissfully unaware of what she's done. As if she actually doesn't think she's had any negative effect at all on us. And I hadn't the composure nor did I feel safe enough to even remotely try to fill her in... Not that she would believe it...

She just. Trivialised things that are.... Not trivial to me. It's us that hurt her in her mind. Not the other way round. That we cut her off, as if there wasn't plenty of reason to do so...

I was relieved when the topic shifted.... I wasn't sure how I'd hold together.... But then later she just. Hit me with some shit straight out of left field that just. Hit home that I'll.... Never be able to connect with her ever. All this shit about her wanting to 'reconnect' with me. It'll never be able to happen. And I'll never know if this is something that was always in her or if it is a part of this new her that she has been for the last 10 or so years.... I'd known my dads side were... Ok. Like. Older folk who don't get it and won't ever get it but aren't going to like. Hate you for any LGBT stuff.. My dad is. Awkward and would probably have preferred I was just a 'normal' hettie Betty but it's... Better than it could have been.

But today I found out something I'd assumed but didn't ever want to have confirmed for real. But quite without prompting she just came out with it anyway. Talking about a gay coworker she calls a pal but like. They're definitely not pals. She said the sight of him and his boyfriend makes her stomach turn, makes her feel ill. The idea of two people of the same gender makes her feel sick. The idea of something not straight makes her uncomfortable. And she said immediately after 'you better not be gay or anything' and in classic panicked mode I had to laugh it off and be like yep I sure am a cis straighty like you mum and she said 'good, cos I'd kill ya' and laughed..... And like........ Her tone was jokey but I felt ice in my veins and acid in my lungs.

I'll probably never figure out the specifics of my orientation. I'm asexual yeah but I'm not at all straight in the romance department. Plus my relationship with my gender alone is something she would never understand or be able to accept, especially considering her comments on trans people that immediately followed this conversation following the same line of chaotic thought she was on. Expecting me to agree with her. my  Agender and definitely not straight ass standing right there and she makes a joke like 'I'll kill ya' and I have to laugh it off as if the idea of being anything other than cis or straight was laughable and try not to visibly look panicked when I have vivid memories of how terrifying and violent and destructive she could be when she got angry....... I thought I was going to be sick...

It's all just been flooding me over the last hour after I've tried to just forget it and be thankful the day is over..... And there was just. So much more but I'm so exhausted and I'm just not ready to relive the entire 4 hours I was stuck with her.

I don't want to reestablish contact with her at all. But my grandpas cancers progression is going to force it to happen anyway. I wish I could cut her off for good..... But guilt grips me anyway and I hate it. Like part of me wants to cling to the tiny time in my life where she seemed alright... When I can't even remember any of that without watching it in old home movies, where it feels like I'm watching a strangers life. Like I'm watching a kid who looks like me, with a mum who looks like my mum but is nicer. Someone who must have existed once but is long gone and faded from my memory because I was too young to be able to really remember it.. The more I think about it the worse it gets. Like my brain is just a Pandora's box of more memories that I wish I could lock away and just. Never have to access again. God........ I'm so exhausted. I wish I never had to see her again for the rest of my life....

[cub-shipping-blog]

How about some Kurb?

Of course, anon! Sorry I couldn’t get around to this until just today… My notifications haven’t been working for some reason? Thank you for the ask!

Who’s more dominant:

Me! I know, surprising. By nature, Kurloz is more submissive but pretends to be dominant, and I’m more dominant but pretend to be submissive! I’m controlling and independent by nature, and he secretly likes it.

Who’s the cuddler:

Kurloz, hands down. I have this thing about excessive touching– it makes me feel trapped and gives me anxiety! I don’t mind cuddling every now and again, but he definitely demands it. Unless we’re in public.

Who’s the big spoon/little spoon:

Usually, he’s the little spoon! As I said, I don’t like to be held for too long, and he loves being held. He’d never admit it, but he’s a total prince who loves being pampered.

What’s their favorite non-sexual activity:

I’d say jamming and just being in each others company. My favorite moments are when we’re both just saying whatever comes to mind and are able to laugh with each other.

Who uses all the hot water:

Kurloz. Fucking drama king has to take forever in the shower. Plus, since he’s cold blooded, he really likes being warmed up. He’s taken many an hour long shower.

Most trivial thing they fight over:

E V E R Y T H I N G. Once we had an argument over fucking Johnny Cash. We’re both super argumentative and have to have the last word.

Who does most of the cleaning:

I do! Not that Kurloz doesn’t clean, I just clean a lot more. We both have executive dysfunction out of the ass, so it’s not really much of a competition.

What has a season pass on their dvr/Who controls the netflix queue

Neither of us really watch television, to be honest. I’m not a fan of movies because I have attention disorders and I don’t like sitting through it, but he does like his horror movies. So, I’d say Kurloz probably controls Netflix. Meanwhile I’m running around the house like a cat w/ a burst of energy.

Who calls up the super/landlord when the heat’s not working:

Are you kidding? It’s me. No way is Kurloz actually interacting with some menial laborer over this travesty– what do you mean, he’s nervous? Nonsense! No one even asked you anyway, shut your motherfucking mouth!

Who leaves their stuff around:

Both of us are pretty good about picking up after ourselves, but every now and again he’ll trip over some boots I left out and I’ll get a string of curses between my temples in three different languages. It’s a rare occurrence for just this reason. Migraines for days, man.

Who remembers to buy the milk:

Me! I’m used to doing the shopping for the house, and I always keep a list w/ me. I’m pretty efficient with that sort of thing. Kurloz doesn’t want to interact w/ the peons. And by that I mean he has anxiety.

Who remembers anniversaries:

Kurloz is actually way better about that than I am. I have serious memory issues because of my mental illnesses– there have been many times where I’d ask a question multiple times, or forget I told him about something and tell him twice in a day. It’s… actually kind of upsetting for him, but thankfully my memory degradation is at a standstill and won’t worsen! I’m just a bit flighty, is all.

Who cooks normally:

Doesn’t matter, because I’m just cooking for myself. He has to prepare his own meals because of his special circumstances.

How often do they fight:

We’ve only really ever had two or three large scale fights, and they were always horrible. They lasted hours and the backlash was days long. Eventually we came around and made up and patched up the holes, learned from it all, but I always hate it when we fight. I’m miserable without him.

What do they do when they’re away from each other:

I have BPD, so I do a lot of distracting to keep myself from getting torn up over the fact that my FP isn’t with me. Most of the time, it works! I have to talk to him a lot, though. He expects a lot of text messages and a missed call or two.

He isn’t a whacko like me, so he actually gets stuff done. He’s pretty efficient and practical about doing what he needs to do first, and always waits to entertain me until he’s finished because he knows how easily I can distract him. No matter how much I whine.

Nicknames for each other: (°w°)

I call him… carus (Latin for handsome, priceless, expensive, attractive), sugar, love, honey, baby, babe, sweetheart; Every now and again I’ll hit him with pumpkin, Adonis, highblood, or Daddy.

He calls me… princess, honeypop, sugarbear, babygirl, baby, babe, voodoo doll, cherry, cherryblood, cutie, etc;

Who is more likely to pay for dinner:

He better pay for dinner, my ass is poor and he’s a highblood with church status. Ah, I’m kidding. I’m willing to split the bill, but he’s paying for the tip. Motherfucker’s well off.

Who steals the covers at night:

Brother’s always robbing me blind. I don’t mind, because I’d rather be cold on my own than have his icy ass pressed against me.

What would they get each other for gifts:

I like making gifts, so I’d always write a song, or poem, or draw a picture. But I’ll get him stuff he likes, like incense or herbs, crystals and bones and all that witchy shit.

He prefers to shower me in attention and sweet words for gifts rather than material things, and I certainly do not mind! I would too if I had the capacity for it, I’m just a bit awkward. Sex is always a nice present.

Who kissed who first:

Kurloz kissed me first, probably because I was asking if I could kiss HIM, and he just did it to shut me up. I have a habit of going off on a tangent when I’m anxious.

Who made the first move:

Kurloz. At the time, our dynamic was pretty much based off of our outside personas, so he was the more dominant force in the relationship.

OH HOW THE TURN TABLES.

Who remembers things:

Kurloz! See the question about remembering anniversaries.

Who started the relationship:

Kurloz! See the question about the first move.

Who cusses more:

SHIT DOG I’D SAY IT’S A FUCKIN TIE BETWEEN THE TWO OF US ASSHOLES IF YA KNOW WHAT I’M FUCKIN SAYIN LMAOOO BETWEEN THE TWO OF US THERE AINT A GODS DAMNED CLEAN MOTHERFUCKIN WORD IN OUR CONVERSATIONS

What would they do if the other one was hurt:

Let me paint a picture for you.

Me: [hurts myself] Ow!

Kurloz: {WHAT DID YOU DO THIS TIME}

Me: [explains something trivial I did to myself bc I’m a clumsy dumbass]

Kurloz: {DUMBASS.}

Alternatively.

Kurloz: [hurts himself] {SHIT.}

Me: What?

Kurloz: {NOTHIN.}

Me: Did you hurt yourself?

Kurloz: {SHUT UP.}

Me: [laughs]

Who is the dirty talker:

:3c

We’re both fucking filthy and can’t shut up.

So…

Tie?

A headcanon:

@clergymime is STILL a sleepy cuddler and forgets he’s supposed to be an asshole and is incredibly sweet when he’s tired GO TEASE HIM.

[monolid-monologues]

We the Ambitious Grinding Millennials,

#16.

there are things in my life that i love and enjoy that will neither directly nor immediately manifest my ambitions. 

so, they’re easy to skip. easy to neglect the books i keep meaning to finish, postpone the alone time i need, wknd after wknd, write later, cheap out on sleep.  YOU KNOW, THE SHIT WE DO FOR OURSELVES. THE STUFF THAT DOESN’T FURTHER YOUR CAREER, OR BRING IN THE CLOUT, OR HELP U STUNT ON PROSPECTIVE INDUSTRY CONNECTS.

They are balancing. Yin to the Yang of the Ambitious Grinding Millennial.

We may be genuinely obsessed with our work. Like i’m genuinely obsessed with theatre, performing arts in general, acting, devising, energy. My life’s purpose, my dreams, my goals, my dedication and commitment to my practice sit solidlyyy at the center of my universe.

Quickly, get there, get there, get there, i’ll push. Then the work i need to do eclipses anything “not important”. The stuff that’s just for me.  The stuff that seems extra and trivial and a waste of time compared to the stuff of my ambitions.  ie.) I need to use the little time i have to get This done, That done, and i don’t have time to do the SIMPLE THINGSSSSSSS. THEY DON’T MATTER AS MUCH, FUCK IT.

BuT here’s what i SUSPECT: it’s kindaaaa foooolishhhh. now we skimp and cheat ourselves of the things in our lifetimes in our realities that we *should be able to understand* as valuable and worthwhile and worthy of our energy & care – EVEN IF ALL THE CONTENT AROUND YOU ISN’T SAYING SHIT ABOUT ‘EM, WE HAVE TO KNOW WHAT’S NUTRITIOUS FOR OURSELVES.

As we strip the simple things of their values We lose our access to nourishing fuller, unique selves.. because these simple things, whatever they are for you, WILL NOT BE TELEVISED. Will Not be obvious or frequently represented in the great global arena that is Normal Success. 

I want to reiterate: “normal success”. I said it I said it, The metrics of VISIBLY successful people - the numbers, the status, the fame, the bank account - they are

really normal standards.

To aspire to these things, is normal.

And you may begin to hear, in my tone, my disinterest in Normal. LOL.

Most of the time, i feel CRAZY because when someone says to me “oh you’re an actor. i hope you make it” i can’t identify with what they’re saying. i can’t RELATE. even though they’re wishing me the best! i want to scream “that’s not me!!!!!” (nobody’s fault!!!)

At the risk of sounding like hipster fkn trash lol, *please god i hope i sound genuine* it is my truth that I don’t aspire to be successful like a normal person. i just don’t, you guys. I honestly can’t relate and i honestly don’t dream about it. oops? It’s actually almost kind of selfish because, as the daughter of immigrant parents i feel like… sorry mom and dad - i might never get to buy you a house, or sweep you off to early retirement  - …. Selfishly, i pursue how i feel.

 I appreciate my crazy. My crazy makes it impossible for me to be anything other than me. My crazy gives me the backbone people respect me for. My crazy is the light that no one can take me from me, or replicate. I find a lot of motivation in the fact only i can be the crazy that i am. 

It’s what gives me my beast mode. Has taken me through extraordinary moments with incredddible people. And most of these moments live undocumented, in my memory’s ether. And most of these people, the talent, the brilliance, the WARMTH, the CHARACTER, there’s no social media parade following their every move. They don’t know you, you wouldn’t know them, you’ve never heard of them, maybe you never will – do you feel me?

I am thankful to remember special moments and special people who operate outside standard recognition because that’s honestly where all my confidence comes from. My confidence that there exists beauty and brilliance outside Your Regular Mainstream Programming. That this world IS and CAN BE bigger than the scope of what’s popular lately.

And my dream is to give birth to work like that. Unverified. Unofficial. breathtaking, and intimate. No white power leveraging their capital over Who I am as an artist or What my Work Is. Me and my art to remain beholden to no other “bottom line” but the people we encounter eye-to-eye. 

There are

people 

out here who  value what i value.

I think I could happily dedicate my whole life searching for and working with such people.

From 2015, when i started producing a bunch of theatre with a variable slew of other fellow wild actors and directors, i learned money, or popularity, is not the thing that fuels my kind of work. the engine to my work as an artist is chemistry between the Right People.

People People People People People People People People People People People People People People People People.

My necessary ingredient is People. The ingredient is relationships. The juice is people showing up for other people.

And to think money and a social following naturally attracts the right people, that suddenly you become able to SEE and RECOGNIZE the right people - that’s 1.) LAME and 2.) IDK  JUST KINDA SILLY?

Knowing how to be yourself, how to embrace your originality and that of others, how to relate to others without ego, how to check your ego, how to apologize, forgive - to nurture a HEART that generously gives and receives, to know an openness that not only allows the universe’s mysterious gifts and surprises into your life but also blesses you to see them…..

 no money, no award, no popularity is the foundation for cultivating that..  

Working yourself to the bonesss is CERTAINLY not going to help you cultivate that. I fucking PromIsE you. There’s special benefits to working like a dog, you will accomplish amazing things, but you will also never have the time you need to really take care of your inner life, if you are constantly exhausted.

BRINGING IT BACK TO THE BEGINNING.

I THINK THAT if everything but career moves start to look pointless and uninteresting to you, it’s very possible your very existence is in danger of becoming quite pointless and uninteresting lol (shit!)

It IS important to be manifesting energy into the things that are SIMPLY LOVELY. 

There are times in my week i need to stop being “Dream Chaser” and spend some time fleshing out. Hit “pause” (you never really pause on a dream tho, wink wink). BE AS DISCIPLINED AND EXACTING AND FOCUSED on your rest, your simple things, your pleasures, your quiet times, AS YOU ARE when you are working your ass off for your dreams.

This post is me asking myself to balance my obsessions. It’s also me having an allergic reaction to LA/Hollywood “goals”. 

When i ask myself to stop sacrificing the simple things for the work things, It’s not burn-out that i fear. It’s losing the fullness of who i am as a person.

 i BELIEVE TOO MUCH and wholeheartedly that process is everything.

How you live, how you move, how you operate – these are the makings of our futures. 

And HOW should be hard to predict. How should demand action to discover How. How…is…. defined by our behaviors. Our behaviors source their energies from our inner lives. 

I wish you and me a full, rich, vivid inner life, in order for that to pour out of us and into our outer lives. For this overflow to attract the universe into giving us one more peek at what really fulfills us. It’s a really basic sentiment I think the secret’s in the simple things.  Us giving the simple things as much if not more credit, attention, and focus.  What ARE the simple things? They’re YOURS. Your simple things.

I could be wrong about, like, everything, lol  and maybe my gut compass leads me down a harder path but it’s fine, 

I’m invested in surviving my failures. 

* * *

previous: 15.) this appetite

say whatttt

http://monolid-monologues.tumblr.com/ask

[gobigorgohome2016]

Refreshed.  Kind of.

 This week is only my second week back to running after my two week break.  I started to write a blog about it last week (titled simply, Refreshed), but it felt really forced.  

Don’t get me wrong.  I DO feel physically refreshed.  In fact, this recovery period was better than ever before!  For the first time that I can remember, I didn’t get sick during my break.  I also returned to running with legs that felt fresh, as opposed to legs that were heavy and still suffering from the effects of healing.  I ran 34 miles my first week back, which is a testament to how good I felt.  I typically only start with 15 – 20.  

But I have felt very off, mentally, and it has taken me about 10 days to unpack why.  

Mostly, this feeling is confusing because I do feel emotionally ready to start training again.  I always know when I’m not 100% there, because I try to talk myself out of boring base mileage.  Instead, I’m actually looking forward to getting out the door every day.

I think my funk began with a visit two weeks ago to see my dietician.  I have been working with her for almost a year and a half now.  I am very happy that I waited until after the training cycle to see her, because I’m still not where I should be, both nutrition-wise and immune system-wise.  Perhaps what was most sobering for me is that I shouldn’t be where I’m at with my food sensitivities, and I certainly shouldn’t be developing new ones (like chickpeas.  Somewhere along the line I started developing symptoms towards chickpeas. Wtf.)  During our discussion, she said that all of my symptoms have led her to believe I have a genetic link to more serious gut issues, and asked if anyone in my family had any intestinal problems.  As a matter of fact, my dad had his colon removed in his 30’s because of ulcerative colitis.  She listed a few other symptoms that I would likely have if that were the case, and they did apply to me.  Without going into too many details, it is likely that I have a malabsorption issue. Food isn’t being fully digested, and when combined with leaky gut, it is probable that my immune system does not recognize undigested food particles and attacks them.  

So, that was a bit of a wakeup call that left me a little unhappy for a few days.

BUT, the good news is that I am not my dad, there is a wealth of information on gut health that was not available 35 years ago, and I only have pre-cursor symptoms.  She suggested I take zinc carnosine and Restore. After a week, I can already see and feel a difference.  While I am annoyed/sad/angry/frustrated about these problems, I am happy because there is a solution, and it should lead to better health and better running. Win-win, yes?

However, I think a good way to describe my general attitude right now is salty.  Towards everyone.  And everything.  

Part of it might be the fact that I am really bored.  Dave has been out of town for 3 of the past 4 weeks.  During my two weeks off, it was *kind of* nice.  I read a lot, started a garden, tried tons of new recipes, watched copious amounts of tv, and didn’t feel the need to get off the couch to do trivial things, like shower.  But week 3 was when I started to feel particularly bored.  When I’m running a normal mileage load, my days are filled with training, writing, walking the dogs, cooking, cleaning, and feeling grateful if I get to watch an episode of House Hunters before I fall asleep.  

Yesterday, I ran 6 miles, took the dogs for 65 minutes worth of walking, baked muffins, dusted Dave’s pint glass collection, started a painting, cooked a couple meals, read, watched tv, worked, and gardened….all by 6 PM.  

I’m also trying to non-judgmentally assess how I feel.  Interestingly, the facebook memories function has showed me that I feel salty every year towards the end of May.  What do the past 10 years of late-May have in common?   The only thing that I can think of is that I am typically on a running break. But, I’ll be honest:  the last thing in the world I want to admit is that not running affects my mental state.  After all, I pretty much pride myself on being a Type-B person, not prone to obsessively needing or wanting to exercise.  

I’m frustrated with myself that I have been feeling so negative, especially about very stupid things.  

However, I’m trying to give myself grace and accept the way that I feel.  I guess it’s important to remember that there’s also a chemical component to it that I can’t control.  My brain, biochemically, is simply going to be different after a 3-week, 300 mile stretch than a three week, 34 mile stretch.  That’s just part of the amazing manner in which our bodies are dynamic machines.  

Something that I’ve had more time to meditate on:  the power of words, both external and internal.  I have always known that words are important.  Ever since I was chastised for saying I have “bad” (meaning inflexible) hips during yoga a couple years ago, I have made a conscious effort not to use negative words when describing myself.  But, I realize that my brain has found a workaround:  to project how I feel about myself onto others, as if someone else is saying something negative about me, when I think it’s just how I feel about me.  AKA, I think running keeps my generalized anxiety under control, and taking a break lets it all creep up.  This is something I never in a million years would want to admit (not the anxiety part, I don’t care who knows that I’m an anxious person) but the fact that running – and the subsequent exhaustion - might be a crutch for it.  

You know what else happens when I take a break?  Tons of FOMO [fear of missing out].  But, FOMO for things I don’t even (normally) care about or want to do.  Suddenly I’m jealous that so-and-so liked a friend’s Instagram post but never likes any of my Instagram posts.  Aren’t we friends, too?  Was there a party I wasn’t invited to and they suddenly become much better friends and have a secret Instagram connection that I don’t know about.  They probably DM each other to talk shit about how many times I post about my dogs and talk about food sensitivities.  

Seriously.  

So, why am I sharing this? One of the coolest things about blogging way too much information about my life is that – as it turns out – I’m not a unique and special snowflake, after all.  Lots of people experience the same neuroses as me, and one of the most humbling experiences has been when people contact me to say thanks for making them feel normal.  So, folks, if you’re struggling with weird feelings of jealousy and FOMO and a general funk after some time off from running….you’re not alone!

[ashnadir]

thatwhichbindsus‌:

“I’m too distracting? I think you’re just easily distracted, hombre,” Ciara replied, tongue in cheek. His eyes were perfectly trained on the road as he drove. In theory. In theory. Ciara didn’t point it out, just mulled and nodded. They would see how things went if there was a next time. “Okay. Okay.”

“I think this is ironically bad art, so it is also a commentary on our… something or another. It’s certainly quirky, if nothing else.”

“Yep. Or I sure hope so,” Ciara confirmed. Still insecure in herself, having Miguel at her side would be a huge comfort. “I’m in the coven because I’m valuable at all. If I’d been a dime a dozen earth witch, I would never have been accepted. If I hadn’t had Miguel, equally, I wouldn’t have been accepted. So we’ll see what’s expected of me.”

“Yes. They’re the other local member of the desert leaves. In the trial, it was their job to control the memory spell. It’s deliberately a numbing process, otherwise emotions would muddy the memories.” She tilted her head, and it was obvious in the hold of her face that she was annoyed even if it was trivially. “But I could feel them trying to access something they shouldn’t have, something they pried out of me. It physically hurt. I remember very little of the trial, but I remember that it hurt, and that I didn’t particularly see the relevance of showing everyone there us kissing. They were put in a position of extreme trust, not that I had much choice, but they broke it, and they should know better.”

“Anyway,” Ciara huffed. “Rant over. Tell me something about your life, acere.”

“I am easily distracted yeah!  By you,” Iann replied, as if this was a completely logical and reasonable conclusion to make.  He was grinning though, glancing over at Ciara more and more. Because even if he was a little tentative about her reaction, he still kind of wanted to see her reaction to his answer.  A masochistic need, in a way.

Two little okays and Iann exhaled and shook his head.  “You know why I make shit up and read into what you say so much?  Because you give me okay.  Twice.  My mind’s spinning out and all I got to hold on to is ‘okay’.”

Iann nodded.  “If we can’t find Mel’s Hole, then let’s go to this Bad Art Museum, see how poor my understanding of ‘art’ is.  Because I’m telling you - if it’s all velvet Elivs and dogs playing poker, I’m gonna declare it the finest of all art.”

He made a brief snicker about ‘dime-a-dozen’ earth witch - there was something so fascinating about Ciara’s internal biases, bred as a witch, surviving as a blood witch.  Her coven were earth witches. Dime a dozen indeed, a whole close-knit loving family of them, with Ciara ousted because she wasn’t.  Her bias against humans was also something Iann kept in mind. The fascinating hypocrisy of being in her life, somehow.  Not like other humans.  

Now that was ironically bad art.

“Top secret shit coven stuff, I’m sure,” Iann surmised, so he added.  “If you do stuff in the coven and don’t want to tell me, I’ll understand.  I won’t like it and I’ll probably rankle and fuss, but just know I’ll understand so don’t take me seriously.  And also I know I don’t have any choice in the matter, so don’t yell at me being so presumptuous or arrogant to dare think that you should or have to tell me bupkiss.  It’s a privilege, for me. It’s an honour to know any of your business.”

As for the Hawthorn thing, Iann made an ahhh noise.  “Right, right. The kissing thing.  Makes me feel like a kid.  Does it embarrass you at all?  Knowing the coven saw you making out with some...with - “ Iann kept editing himself, stumbling over the question.  “Like that? I mean the trial was such a serious case.  Maybe a little comedic relief was what the crowd needed, hm. So they know you’re just a normal person, just like them.”

He laughed, because asking him about his life was bound to make his mind come up blank.  He snapped his fingers though. “Oh!  What do you think about beach cottages?  As in renting one to live in?  I know a nice one, it’s private but still easy to walk into the shopping districts.  Very nice, owned by a witch.  Faye Andrews, you’ve met her right? She’d be interested in renting it to the right person.  And you, mi querida, you’re right as rain.”

trippy