#Introspective Thoughts

[non-conventionnel]

“Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” ― C.G. Jung

[acceptingmyowncompany]

Because Who Can I Talk To...

This post has so much potential to be cringe a year from now. Shit even months from now. I need it out of my head though

A friend of mine joked about setting me up with her friend. We met but I didnt really make a move. Too shy. She's cute though. Nice, smart, witty. It became a bit that I thought was still funny despite nothing really coming of it.

We eventually followed each other on instagram, which is good but my friend isn't riffing the bit anymore. A mutual of ours is communicating with me more often than before. Energy is weird but I'm not trying to look into it. Come to find out she likes me and I can't help but feel like thats why my friend stopped riffing the bit and advocating for me/us.

Despite that, the girl and I are kind of... idk playing tennis. Maybe fishing?! Idk the proper analogy. We are posting things kind of trying to bait the other person into interacting with it. I shouldn't say we... EYE, 100% am and she did at least once. Eventually a real conversation starts between us and it's like... legit awesome. Like she's so cool, and we've been thru some similar shit and look at the world in a similar way. I make points and she responds basically finishing my thoughts. Im like wooow we have so much in common. It excites me in a way that I haven't been excited in a LONG time. I think I'm crushing on her now... I can't wait for her to come into town.

She comes into town and I get no sleep the night before. I'm running on fumes. I have no energy to talk to her, to be charming or funny. I'm just listening and yawning a lot. I got her cookies... didnt even present them forreal. She was here for a week and that was the only day I saw her. At this point I'm FUCKING SICK. It's another display of how my friend is no longer trying to help out because she didnt try to set me up with some hangouts. Doubts about her interest because if she was hoping to see me, again you'd think the friend would hit me about plans or invite me over. I dont take initiative. Don't want to be too thirsty. I hold my L and get kinda sad because I like the feeling. I like talking to her, but it's over...

Until... the day after she gets back home, she messages me randomly about One Piece. I'm hype af. She thanks me for cookies, I apologize for zombie. We're talking again. And talking a lot. We are in constant communication. We message everyday. It's not a constant flow but it's fairly steady. We go like this for like a month and some. She's my favorite notification. I look forward to her responses and suddenly they stop. Not all together. The frequency though. A few messages a day to one a day. Now the response coming a full day or two later. Which would be completely fine if like... I didnt see she's been active mad times or when I see her message elsewhere. I'm not mad, but it makes me think.

We aren't anything. She owes me nothing. I like talking to her. Do I like her? I don't have an answer. The level of bothered I am, would imply I do, but it could just be the engagement. The attention. The fact that she activates something in my brain that hasn't been safely activated in over a decade. I don't say this to minimize her impact. I genuinely think she's special. She told me some of her story and I just wanna protect her at all costs even though we're probably not that close. I think she's great but I also still don't know her. We have yet to find a comfortable real life flow. We have yet to establish any sort of chemistry. So it's like cool, yeah we can text and send paragraphs to each other, but can we hold a conversation. Can we go back and forth without prep time?! Until we can properly test those waters, on the phone or IRL then I can't fully say I like her. Just that I like messaging her.

The problem is... does she like me?! Does she like messaging me?! Did her life get busier?! Am I boring?! I don't know how she feels about it. I try to sneak in things in the convo to like indicate I think highly of her, but I get no read on that the other way around. My friend no longer asks about it, or riffs the bit. No convo about us. Its triggering. I was often left on unopened while my friend was texting the girl I liked right in front of me. Her excuse was "oh me and him aren't having deep convo so it's easy to message back. me and you are having more in-depth convo so it requires more thought out answers." The truth was, she was fucking him and they were both hiding it from me and thus TRAUMATIZED. She can do what she wants. She can have a guy in MD, or a guy in her DMs. Again, we aren't anything, but I'd hate to get my hopes up again, just to be being placed on the back burner while she's got other stuff going on. Shits embarrassing. It's easy to feel like a loser and shit.

And so I am at an impasse. I can't be emotional about this. I can't ask for more messages, but I do want more. I want to explore what we could be, even if it's just friends. Just so I can like know its just friends. I want to talk on the phone or play a game where we can use out voices to connect instead of seining one big message a day. How can I do that?! I want to let her know I think she's dope, and I have but she's just kinda been whatever about it. Maybe thats my answer I should probably take that as an answer. I'M JUST TIRED OF HAVING TO PLAY IT COOL. I want to talk about it with somebody that can help me. I wanna be excited about the potential. I wanna laugh with her and learn more about her. I want her to know I think she's cool and I wanna talk about the future together. I wanna do things to connect with her and show her I think she's cool. But then im overbearing. I'm thirsty. I'm doing too much. Scare her away. if she's got another dude she's talking to, im humiliating myself.

I basically wanna embrace that side of life. Intimacy and romance. Connection. I wanna show her my interest and feel her interest. The push and pull. It was cool when we were playing tennis. It was amazing to go back and forth. Idk what to do. I kinda wanna end the convo and she what'll happen. But what if I just hurt my own feelings. How do I pivot the convo we have right now?! I don't know. I've gone crazy and I hate it here lmao.

Anyways, this girls cool and pretty and I wanna get to known her better like talk more intimately and frequently but I don't know if I will or if she even cares to... but I just wish I could be blunt about this thought/feeling. Who know's what'll happen next.

[kavaleyre]

• The Hanged Man •

“Compared to what Falin went through? This is nothing.”

[echoesoftheinfinite]

[rageof-gaia]

THECUPOF HE🜂RTS°

[🜂°🜍☿ 🜚]

THECUPOF HE🜂RTS°[🜂°🜍☿ 🜚]

[soapywankenopy]

I think one of my biggest faults is that I think I'm very funny and I'm almost definitely not as funny as I think I am

[indigolover97]

Nobody else may care, but I realized today that I’m coming near the end of a fic that I’ve spent almost an entire year on. The series for this fic is far from over but the fic itself, the thing that started everything, is nearing its end.

It’s a bittersweet feeling.

I’ll be happy to complete such a long project and be able to move onto other new projects, but I’ll miss it too. Never thought I’d get to this point.

I hope the readers I’ve accumulated along the way will like to follow me for the rest of the journey.

[mintytoastywrites]

What is Anger? I sat with my anger long enough until it told me its real name, and its name was Grief, I’m not a whole person, and I don’t think I’ll ever be. Parts of me perished in the house I grew up in, and I visit them in dreams. When you are not fed love on silver spoon, you are forced to lick it off of knives. Your anger is the part of you that knows the abusive conditions you’re in are unacceptable and wrong Your anger knows the kindness and treatment you needed to receive Anger is important, it needs to be expressed and vocalized, otherwise it’ll manifest, and become Rage.

[fireflystimeline]

Been sinking into a depression lately. Today, I felt a tiny burst of energy and tried to do some cleaning and organizing. The state of my bedroom often reflects the state of my mind. 😅

[minimalist-quotes]

In the end, people always have a way of revealing who they are. You just have to give them the space and time to do so. No mask can be worn forever.

[acceptingmyowncompany]

WOW... this is awkward...

My intention in coming back here was to clear this out of anything weird. Not that people would be seeking out my Tumblr if anything were to happen to me. Not to say that anything is going to happen to me. (I'm very paranoid right now). But I do think its a little embarrassing some of the things I used to put on here. People I would talk about that I've had wild epiphanies about as well. And you know... keeping those things could be a big sign of growth... like wow you really thought you felt that but you were really just projecting onto them and when you finally stopped you realized you kinda felt the exact opposite... like even more than you thought BEFORE you started projecting. Craaazzzyyyyy. A lot of has changed. This was my 2020 outlet. One outlet amongst a plethora of them. Some of those 2020 thoughts, events, and feelings I think were genuine and timeless and thus, I leave them alone, even the down bad embarrassingly horny one. The others... we can delete them. They corny af and I think the growth in THAT, is understanding where I was and why I thought what I did but knowing that wasn't me being my highest self lmao.

ANNNYYYY WAAAYYYYYYYYY, I kind of want to use this again. I wanted to start putting pen to paper again and for DEEPLY personal shit, I might still do that. But this is cool. An outlet to vent/explore thoughts without the people closest to me in life sliding thru to do wellness checks because my feelings are concerning them. Being able to again timestamp these moments in my life and where my head was at. I was rereading my trauma and I was like "COOK KING!!!!" I don't pre plan anything. I just let it free flow. I could see myself becoming more powerful in real time even as I pick apart myself and the way people hurt me. I could see myself like shedding the skin a bit you know?! I still think about those people but not in the way I did back then and I wanna say that, that post was a big moment in turning the corner you know?! And so its cool to see that. On the other hand, I have this post about doubts, and how nothing in my life has been for me and how I NEED all these things to feel like... functional and successful and good about myself and 4 years later.... I have done/achieve none of them. That kind of fucking sucks and makes me feel like, damn... what do I need to do?! how do I accomplish this thing I want. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?!?!

Either way, I came here to cringe, but I kinda feel inspired. Excited a little bit. To free myself of thoughts and ideas in a concrete way that doesnt feel annoying. To do what vlogging did for me, you know?! Like give me a look back and shit that can like... feel like a hug or whatever you know?! Maybe you don't. I'm just thinking out loud. Regardless, life is ever changing. Adaptations are always happening. It's very interesting to see it at action. Maybe I can shed more skin on here. That'd be pretty dope. I haven't evolved in a long time

[laidbackmarco]

Explanation is More Difficult Than Action, Weird Reasons Why

Why is explanation is more difficult than action? Explanation is More Difficult Than Action, sometimes it’s easier to do things first and ask questions later. Have you ever asked a teenager why they did something stupid? I think back to a story my friend once told me of his son. His son decided it would be a good idea to buy a used TV and proceed to yeet it off a bridge. “It was an awkward…

[bacchuschucklefuck]

beautiful! majestic!

[echoesoftheinfinite]

I want someone who admires me with the same intensity as they admire the moon and the stars.

[rageof-gaia]

[Finding Hope within change of mind']

-MyLatest poetic work✍️

[poemwav]

from Having a Coke With You (1971)

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