#Integration means I would've found out about this sometime. but. i wish it had been a safer place and time to find out about it

[littlest-bugz]

An alter in the system has this thing that when she gets triggered, she does a self destruct thing.

Like, someone in the system accidentally even just read a tag in a post, and she went on a spiral of looking at things that eventually triggered us to the point of unlocking a trauma memory.

We're still really out of it, and the alters in the system that the trauma happened to have been triggered since then, so it's been flashback after flashback. Thankfully only the same three, and not anything new again.

It's draining, physically, mentally, emotionally, and even, like, on a spiritual level. This shit is just fucking me up and throwing me out of whack. Distraction only does so much to help.

[legobatman08]

Feat of Clay - Matt "Clayface" Hagen / Ted Lupus

CW: Toxic Relationship; Unrequited Love; Escaping Abuse; Hurt/No Comfort (He Comforts Himself Lol); Teddy Lupus Being Unhealthily Whipped; Starts Off Very Canon Compliant Before Derailing; Matt Hagen Being An Asshole :(

We found Matt in his car.

Well, not entirely Matt. He was closer to a... sentient blob of clay.

It was a lot to process, sure. All that mattered to me was making sure he was okay, though. That's what anyone's first thought would've been, right? Obviously, he's my friend. Boss? Work partner? The lines had blurred in my brain at some point. Having a hopeless crush on him did little to make our boundary between a professional and a personal relationship solid.

I'd like to think I've been there for Matt for a lot of important stages in his life. At the very least, I've been in his life for a long while. I loved him before his accident, after it happened, then after Dagget's lousy scam of a product turned him into this... monster-like being, and I'll probably love him regardless of what happens to our already strained relationship in the future.

Then again, I shouldn't throw around the term "relationship" so loosely. The rational part of my brain keeps nagging that I mean little to nothing to him, and only has me around for convenience. It's probably right, but I'd like to imagine that it's a bit more than that. He calls me Teddy sometimes, and if I had just a smidge less of self control, I'd start kicking my feet and giggling everytime. I've deduced that he tolerates me better than most people; I mean, we're practically roommates at this point, and I took that as enough of a win to satisfy my stupid, yearning heart.

Unconditional love is a weakness.

It finally bit me in the ass after Matt turned into "Clayface". That's what he calls himself now. I would to tease him for the lack of originality, but I can't risk irritating him now.

He's been very on edge, for obvious and understandable reasons. He's gotten better at controlling his body, molds it to any shape or material he wants... I'm very happy for Matt, don't get me wrong!

What I'm concerned about is the violence. It's not exactly directed at me. Yet.

However, I'm getting worried. I'm sick of having to be weary of the man I love so deeply, as if he's a loaded gun.

I miss feeling comfortable around him.

I wish i didn't care this much. About him, about his well-being, about all of this. It brings me nothing but hurt. I'm no idiot, I know the attachment is unreciprocated, even if he hasn't outright told me so. I hope he doesn't know it's more to me than just the brotherly concern of a long-time friend.

But does it really matter anymore? I might as well be a doormat to him at this point. I've already had my self respect walked over, I don't have much else to lose.

When I enter the room to bring him food, Matt- no, Clayface, -is shouting at the TV. I wince, but try to get him to eat anyway.

Any sane person would be able to tell that he's too stressed. Fuck, even an insane person would be able to tell. I really am not the best at consoling people, all of my exes have kindly made me aware of that, but I felt like I absolutely had to say something to help him chill out, get his stress out a little. To hell with my integrity, a small part of me was even hoping I could help him de-stress in a certain way, fucking hell...

Apparently, I'm saying the wrong things. As always. Stupid Lupus, stupid fucking lovesick Teddy. Hagen stands up from the couch, menacing as always. He's always had that threatening aura, if I'm being honest, the "Clayface" thing only amplified it a bit. Steaming Christ, don't think I've seen him this pissed at me before.

"Don't you dare patronize me!", he yells as he points a finger in my face. I'm still holding the giant plate of food I cooked for Matt- nevermind, I suppose. He's knocked it out of my hands. Ouch.

Clayface leans in closer, towering over me. Out of fear, I back up a little, but what good does that do against a shapeshifter?

"I told you, I don't need rest. I don't need food. And I don't need you!"

Those are the last words I hear before a gigantic arm comes barrelling towards me, fingers extending uncannily. I'm frozen, seeing it in slow motion as Matt grabs me like a claw machine, and throws me across the room.

I've gotten demoted from doormat to ragdoll. Awesome, I think bitterly, right before my back hits the bookshelf. I fall to the floor with a thud, and by the time I regain my senses, Matt's already stormed out.

"And I don't need you!"

"I don't need you!"

It keeps replaying in my head.

Oh my fucking God. "I don't need you!"... For a minute, I think Scarecrow must've injected me with that goddamn fear toxin, for that moment felt like my worst nightmare come true. Unfortunately for me, it didn't just feel that way, it did come true.

I try to stand up, but I'm still trying to process everything. Matt. Clayface. My love. Hagen outright said he doesn't need me. He doesn't need me.

Matt doesn't need me. I'm useless to him. I'm a burden and an idiot. He doesn't need me around anymore since he's overcome human necessities like his career, eating, and friendship. Was it ever a friendship? I'm not sure anymore.

The realization hits me like a truck, and I stagger as I try to get up. Gripping the shelves until my knuckles turn white, I keep muttering like a broken record: "I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you!"

I don't know how long I stand there for. All I know is it feels like years. Why does it hurt so bad? I've always known deep down that I didn't mean much to him, so why am I having such a reaction to him actually admitting to it?

Well, I practically lost my life's purpose. I've been working for only him for years by now, but I guess that devotion's all out the window now. Why did I even bother in the first place? Something like this was completely inevitable, and I knew it.

God damn it, Matt, why does it hurt this bad?

I look down at the books that fell from the shelves upon impact. Should I bother picking them up? It probably doesn't matter, but I do it anyway, methodically, as a distraction.

How can I live like this? Why have I endured this for so many years? What's tying me down with him?

How has he kept me on a short leash without any protest from my part, like a loyal fucking dog?

I used to keep telling myself that Matt needed me. At first I was his assistant, he needed my advice; Then he needed me to take care of him due to his accident.

"I don't need you."

He doesn't need me? Okay. Okay! I can handle this. I'm an adult, I'm a man. I can handle this, even if I feel like I've been stabbed in the chest a thousand times over. He doesn't need me? Okay. Good, then he won't have any problem with not having me around.

As much as it hurts, I need to leave. I need to escape, as soon as possible, before Clayface gets back.

...What if he still needs me around to keep him in check, though? I can't help but feel guilty. No! Stop being a dumbass, Teddy, he said he doesn't need me and threw me across the damn room! For once in my miserable fucking life, I need to make a decision in favor of my own well-being. I won't be a punching bag.

Ha, ironic, right? "I won't be a punching bag", as if I haven't been one for as long as I can remember already. Bleeding Jesus, how much more pathetic can I get? I feel like throwing up out of self-repulsion alone.

Not giving myself a chance to overthink it, I climb out the window, rush to my car and drive away with no destination in mind.

Driving away from Matt slowly makes me realize how helpless of a situation I've gotten myself into. I've always been a weed attached to some actor with a blooming career, even before I started working with Hagen. I have nobody to rely on. No job... No place to stay... I'm starting fresh.

Gotham loves a comeback story... Time for the rebirth of Theodore Lupus, as his own person.

[notwwarrior22]

This is my heart.

I am Shay Smith and I am 26 years old. I am an American. To be honest I have been Identifying myself as a christian, but not a devoted one and what I mean, I haven't really lived as a Christian not like I should be. I am speaking as this is present and the past and although I have made major changes in my life, I still know how I have felt and sometimes still feel about it. I gave my life to Christ September 11th 2014, before I was saved, I was an awful person and a great person if that makes any sense. I was someone you would want as a friend and also someone outside of the church who you would eventually learn to hate, but for the past 3 years I have not lived as someone who has claimed Christ. I recently have been thinking about the moment I stopped and I think I have have pin pointed it. When you first make that commitment and you get that Jesus high, and its so easy to let yourself believe that is how its supposed to be from now on, but that is so far from the truth. Its unrealistic to even begin to think that way. So here is more of my story. I come from a Christian family, everyone in my family is and has been involved in church since I was born and I grew up in church my whole life. I at one point in my life refused to believe in God for reasons that are just excuses. I made a "decision" when I was young, but growing up in church I know the lingo and the "walk." I was one of the best fake christians that you would ever meet. I knew the bible and I knew my place, but I was not real. I would hide who I am and would be someone who was not the same person in the church and out of the church. I was what they call a church kid not a Jesus Kid. You are probably thinking what in the world does that even mean and I can tell you it means that I was someone who went to church, but that was the extent of it. I didn’t have faith outside the 4 walls. I wish I could tell you that all this didn’t happen but I have not been the person I was meant to be. I know that and I also know now that I want to be different. All this really made me think about the recent years and why all of this happened. My explanation is that I have been way to consumed with chaos. I allowed myself to let someone else control my life and it was because I confused loyalty with abuse and with being walked all over. and would've done at any point and time anything for this person. It was a very unhealthy relationship and it was destroying my life. I am not blaming the other person because it was 100% my fault, I allowed it and I condoned it, but one day I woke up and said I don't want to do this anymore. So I, being someone who lost herself decided to did something about it. More on that later.

What is a real Christian?

Real is defined as (of a substance or thing) not imitation or artificial; genuine.

Someone genuine...think on this.

I am not your normal person and have never been normal. I am built differently than most and when I do things I put my whole heart into it. I am probably one of the most emotional driven people that you know, but you wouldn't see it. I want to be honest because its so important to have integrity. I can say wholeheartedly I was and have not been honest with myself, but its time for change. Almost 2 years ago I was in a wreck that I was the cause of. I was being reckless and I had someone in the car with me. It happened and since that day May 14th 2017, I have lived as if my life doesn't matter and I have let myself be consumed with anger and pain. The biggest thing that I have allowed for the past 3 years is fear. I have been avoiding and bottling it all down and not dealing with all the junk. Why you ask, mostly because I am human the other is because I have found my reliance in other things that have not mattered.

Its now 12/27/18 and I am a completely different person than who I was. What I mean by that. Is I have found my strength in Christ, I have changed who I love and I have worked so hard. The reason that I am telling you all of this, is because I want you to know if you are in a place that is similar to mine, then its ok. I want you to know that you woul never be to far for Him not to pursue you. The more on that part, I am 1 year and 4 almost 5 months sober and I have rededicated my life to be the best version of myself. I have let go of the fear and the pain. He has my heart forever! I decided that this year, I am going to blow minds in the fact that this year, I am going to devote myself to Christ and I am going to be real~ Nothing is going to to get in my way, He is why I have found my calling and are going to make changes this year 2019! He is the reason why I live. Forever His, Shay