#Inferno Placeholder tag | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

fanderstuckin2018 · 2 months ago

Text

I don't have much BTS content for the filming of the episode (i joined the fandom a few months after it dropped) BUT I was always on the fanfiction side, and boy were there a lot of name speculations. I remember so much of the fandom's reaction to the reveal of Deceit's character, so I can tell you lots about that. Maybe its not what you're looking for, but its an excuse for me to reminisce, so i hope you find this interesting!!

Under cut:

Popular names for Deceit

"Sympathetic" Deceit Sanders (the OOC beam hits him hard)

TLDR and my closing thoughts LOL

Popular names for pre-name-drop Deceit (and fanfics that they appeared in)

Ethan (lots of people thought he would be Ethos, like Logan and Patton are Logos and Pathos respectively) Love and Wounds

Dante (started with a D, and also a reference to Dante's Inferno, which relates to Virgil's name) care (for both self and others)

Damien, Dee, anything starting with a D really (I used these as placeholder names, sort of) Destined

Melas (means "black/dark" and was used in really only a handful of fics, but I encountered it a few times) Mortality's Remorse

Often these names would be used in AUs, like modern or school. A situation in which "Deceit" didn't work as an actual name. I remember it was so fun scrolling through all these fics because everyone had their own take on what Deceit's name would be, and really cool justification for it. (Fun fact, my friend actually guessed that his name would be Janus literally a day before SvsS dropped, and we were screaming when it was finally revealed.)

"Sympathetic" Deceit Sanders vs the Fander community

This part I remember SO vividly. We had an antagonistic character with little to no backstory or screentime actually acting as himself. He was ripe for mischaracterization, and mischaracterize the fandom did lmao!! Not saying that this is a bad thing, I definitely partook in it myself and had a lot of fun, but its an interesting phenomenon I havent really seen occur elsewhere.

At first, Deceit was mean and almost "evil" in a lot of fanfictions. But in the span of a few months, people began to adapt him to seem like- softer, more fragile in a way. I can't really explain it, other than to say it was the complete opposite of his character, both then and now. He was helpless in a way, often suffering alone, and he would be so far changed that he'd almost become like a punching bag 😭 (The amount of abuse in all that fanfiction...) You could find this kind of Deceit most often in works tagged with "Sympathetic Deceit Sanders" on AO3, I think there was a whole week for it at one point too. Of course, not all fanfics using the Sympathetic Deceit tag portrayed him like this, but the bulk of them from 2018-2020 did, imo.

I loved me a lonely, unredeemed villain, and I loved angst, so I latched onto Deceit near immediately. And because we didnt see him for a long time, the fandom kind of went down a rabbit hole making OOC Deceit content (once again, this isnt a bad thing! Just let people have fun lol). But it got to the point where I had read so many OOC Deceit fics and developed this warped version of his character in my head, that when I went back and actually rewatched CLBG? I got a weird sense of whiplash. It was like there was a clash between canon!Deceit and fanon!Deceit in my brain. And that kind of kicked me into gear to really go back and analyze his character, rather than continue to write the warped version the fandom had made him.

I think the fact that there was a bit of a content drought encouraged this kind of OOC-ification, because at the same time there was an increase in Unsympathetic Patton works. People would essentially switch Patton and Deceit's roles and go "but what if Patton bad and Deceit good?" Which in itself is interesting because what would happen if Patton was "bad"...? Anyway thats a tangent.

If you want some more fics demonstrating this I will totally give some to you!! I have a few in mind, but I dont want this to be longer than it is LOL

TLDR:

The fandom sort of watered Deceit's character down a LOT after the episode dropped, because we hadn't seen him interact in any other way with anyone else. Especially not with real Patton. Lots of angst and whump was made, but it was a fun fun time, and I miss it.

Misc:

Once again, I don't think that any of this is "bad". Was it cringy? Kinda, but that was what made it fun. So imo this period shouldnt be looked at as bad in any way, just a bunch of people (middle schoolers, in my case,) having fun and experimenting with writing. Yeah :)

(also thats why my name is Dee)

Hello! I need your guys help. If you’re a current fander, an ex fander, whatever it be.

I wanna make a video talking all about the hype cycle basically for “can lying be good” especially the speculation before and the fandom after. I have most of the script written but I want a lot of visuals from this era.

I know there’s not a lot of fanders left in the fandom actively who were there for that time/posted about that. BUT IF YOU ARE OR KNOW OF ANY POSTS. Please send links or screenshots my way of anything during that era of the fandom. So any theories about what the episode was gonna be (I remember people thinking it was gonna be about Roman’s room) or after the video and stuff about Janus. Luckily I do remember this time very vividly and that’s why I wanna make this video, I found it so fascinating and a great time in the fandom.

Right now I’m specifically looking for two main things, but of course I want anything I can get. I remember Thomas posting maybe a tweet or Instagram story perhaps of him saying he was filming at a theatre and I remember everyone thinking it meant it was Roman’s room. There was also a post Joan made on their tumblr (which I believe their tumblr has been deleted) about the notes they made about the episode including like oh Patton is wearing the wrong cardigan to show it’s Janus. Stuff like that. If you can find these posts especially PLEASEEEE send me them.

But yeah! If you have any questions lmk, please share anything you have. If you can, share this post as I wanna get as much information and data as I can. Thank you!!

#Janus sanders #dee’s rambles #dee’s reblogs #sasi #sanders sides #ts janus #the infantilization of janus sanders circa any video after can lying be good #my piece is finally said #HAHAH #deceit sanders

119 notes · View notes

talonsaga-trash · 7 years ago

Text

Things I want to See in Inferno

Tristan being referred to as St. George the second/other St. George/Not-Garret-Garret’s friend/etc.

Tristan waking up from his coma

Dragon!Garret

A conclusion to Garret’s father and previously mentioned sister

Something that better addresses Ember’s lost memories

Ember and Dante final smack down

Dante in his dragon form

Riley (and Wes, for that matter) actually taking time to properly grieve for their hatchlings

Some sort of awkward interaction with Gabriel Martin and Riley

Seriously, any interaction with a dragon and a soldier of St. George would be golden

Kain coming up again (maybe to apologize.....)

More Eastern dragons coming into the mix

Jade.

More Jade.

A mission to free the breeders

The ‘one dragon older than the Elder Wyrm’ throwaway line being addressed

A bit of happiness for these people????

What I will see in Inferno

Angst and jokes following one another at a break-neck pace, probably

My own tears

#Inferno placeholder tag

12 notes · View notes

arcxnumvitae · 3 years ago

Note

dragonic feels tempted to seek out speech , yet dried ( and certainly hoarse ) throat of his , exhausted from the sheer amount of snarling and mixture of ashes and lava that boiled itself upwards alike. so instead , zhaohui is getting hoisted upward , secured within dragonic's arms. to be carried , to whatever may be seen fit for a nest for the night. ( or what remained of it. ) there is no intention , to leave another before sunrise. // ( COUNTERING THE ANGST WITH SOFT )

@dracones || Unprompted! (My angst will always be undefeated though)

From the state of disarray of his hair and clothing, it would have almost seemed as if the man had been in a fight. But the pleased grin on his lips, like the cat who had gotten the cream, spoke abundantly clearly on what had actually happened. And had it not been for his healing capabilities he knew he would have truly looked a mess. The man could scarcely remember the last time that he had been kissed into such a stupor, and for something like that to have come from Locke of all people... He was only a few seconds away from sighing like some besotted maiden. But what the dragon also hadn’t expected was to be hoisted as he did, held securely in the other’s arms as the other man set off in search of... something.

To be honest, he had half expected the other to head back after kissing him senseless the way that he had.

And being carried in such a way too, he definitely couldn’t remember the last time, or if ever, someone had so casually picked up and carried him. Which meant that he wasn’t quite sure if being held in another’s arms always felt this comfortable or if it was solely because of-- No, he would rather not let himself finish that thought. Embarrassment threatened to redden his cheeks, but the dragon refused to allow himself to blush now after all that had just happened.

“呀呀, you’re whisking me away?” A hand rose to playfully caress against the cool scales of the other’s cheek before drifting downwards to idly toy at a button of Locke’s that must have come loose earlier. At least he had quite the nice view. “You’ve realized how good a kisser I am and now you have to steal me away to kiss whenever you please? Don’t dragons only do that to princesses? I mean, I can’t say I would mind, especially if the kisses will all be like that.” Ah, he was getting distracted again.

#dracones #{Zhaohui Answers #{Zhaohui and Locke}#you get the placeholder tag until I see what their actual tag is TAT #it's still cute! some teasing! but #zhaohui misunderstood.#Hahaha he just hasn't figured that Locke's hanging around after for reasons other than kissing him more but he'll get it eventually #once they get to wherever they settle in for the night #heheheh I bullied Akira into getting the tag early #{'& cascading rain soothes the inferno. a wildfire for two. / may the stars glimmer anew for you.' || Zhaohui and Locke}

2 notes · View notes

historiestold-a · 4 years ago

Text

f&. EIGHT PEOPLE I’D LIKE TO KNOW BETTER !!

𝟎𝟏 . ALIAS / NAME : mandee (legal name is amanda)

𝟎𝟐 . BIRTHDAY : may 10th

𝟎𝟑 . ZODIAC SIGN : taurus (year of the horse)

𝟎𝟒 . HEIGHT : 5′4″

𝟎𝟓 . HOBBIES : writing/rp, animal care/rescue, film, reading, video games, learning in general (i love to learn about new things especially about history and science)...

𝟎𝟔 . FAVOURITE COLOUR : hunter green

𝟎𝟕 . FAVOURITE BOOK : that’s a hard question because i don’t think i really have a favorite book. one that i read years ago and really made me think was the alchemist by paulo coelho; i’ve been meaning to reread that book since it’s been so long. a book i go back and randomly reread often? world war z by max brooks. favorite comics? supergirl and the flash (both of which i’m behind on reading). my favorite shakespearean play? hamlet (i have three copies of it, one of which was signed by the chicago shakespeare theater’s cast of the play). a series i really enjoyed reading? vampire academy (though i haven’t finished the bloodlines spin-off) and harry potter (though again, that’s going to require a reread). out of the classics? i really like the iliad and the odyssey by homer though i haven’t read them since school. more recently and on the topic of mythology, i read, or rather listened to the audiobook of, norse mythology by neil gaiman which was fantastic. favorite star wars books? in disney’s canon, i really enjoyed the rogue one novelization and battlefront II: inferno squad (but i have a feeling when i finally have time to read the eu i’m going to have a whole list of favs; i have like eight of the original canon books just waiting for me in my bookcase).

𝟎𝟖 . LAST SONG : artemis by lindsey stirling

𝟎𝟗 . LAST FILM / SHOW : i’ll list two movies because one is a recording of a musical. i rewatched the martian recently and i rewatched hamilton two days ago. i must have a theme going because i’m really tempted to rewatch phantom of the opera at the moment. as for shows.. i’ve been watching a few lately including: murdoch mysteries, muhteşem yüzyıl: kösem, law & order, mysteries of the abandoned, and a lot of random true crime.

𝟏𝟎 . INSPIRATION : in general? my love of learning, music, other writers and friends, history, art, etc. this blog? the chance to explore characterization and how different life events can impact and evolve characters in different ways. in addition to that, i love to meet new people through writing and form friendships and get to explore our characters together. i’ve also had to do research for some characters which is fun and can be inspiring.

𝟏𝟏 . STORY BEHIND URL : well, admittedly it’s not the most original url but it was fitting for a multi-muse blog which features varied characters. plus, the others i had intended to use were already taken. that said, i’ve really come to love this url.

tagged by: @myersbprd

tagging: @oceanblood @zkljns @mudbirthed @scarfwere @saraqxeen @outlawiism @xheartpages @tachiisms @interphrase @skymma @ofimaginarybeings @enduringlystoic @soulmateprinciple @meredithcheats @psychotickol (yeah, i know, more than eight but i do what i want).

#;about the mun #ooc; out of history

2 notes · View notes

talonsaga-trash · 7 years ago

Text

A list of Death Probabilities, by J. Marine

No worries, you’ll be fine

Ember

Garret

Riley

Jade

You’ll probably make it out alive

Wes

Tristan

Mist

Might wanna watch yourself fam

Nettle

Kain

The Archivist

Not looking too good, buddy

Gabriel Martin

Dante

The Elder Wyrm

Dr. Olsen

#The Talon Saga #The Talon Series #Inferno placeholder tag

7 notes · View notes

talonsaga-trash · 7 years ago

Photo

As Inferno approaches, the time comes to draw all of the theories before they’re accepted/disproved.

This is the one theory I hope won’t go through.

#The Talon Saga #The Talon Series #Tristan St. Anthony #Garret Xavier Sebastian #Talon-Trash #Inferno placeholder tag #actual boyfriends Tristan and Garret #plz don't hurt Tristan Julie #PLEASE JULIE

8 notes · View notes

talonsaga-trash · 7 years ago

Photo

For @rogueandwanted

Only a month until everyone’s conspiracy theories are proven right or wrong, so I better draw them while I still can.

#The Talon Saga #The Talon Series #garret xavier sebastian #Inferno placeholder tag #*Garret sprouts wings and a tail*

10 notes · View notes

talonsaga-trash · 7 years ago

Photo

Let Tristan and Garret hug in Inferno 2k18

#The Talon Saga #The Talon Series #Tristan St. Anthony #garret xavier sebastian #Julie Kagawa #Inferno placeholder tag #actual boyfriends Tristan and Garret #be proud of how well I grew those IV bags #seriously #that shit was hard

11 notes · View notes

talonsaga-trash · 7 years ago

Photo

Kain: You Fought, You Lost

Summary: The Night of Fang and Fire took a toll on everyone, and Kain knew what he was signing up for when he stood (not for the order, never for the order, but those were his friend marching into battle). If he could take it all back then he would in a heartbeat, but it’s too late. The damage is done. He can’t go back. (In the same Universe as Out of My Depth, which is somewhere in my blog under the Legion tag) Words: So many. Too many. This was supposed to be a 500 word drabble. What the hell. Disclaimer: I’m not Julie Kagawa or HarlequinTeen or else I would have a nicer laptop and would be able to afford to buy a new scanner. So anything relating to Talon isn’t mine, I don’t profit, it’s very sad. I’m not a medic either. Don’t trust anything I say. I just have a laptop and determination. A/N: So... I kinda empathize with Kain despite him trying to beat up Garret, because if I were in his situation then I would be doing the exact same thing. And what do I do to characters I empathize with? I make them SUFFER. Sorry Kain. This was written entirely in his perspective so there are some less than nice thoughts towards Garret and Ember, but it’s not focused on that, so don’t worry. Mandatory Begging for comments/reviews: Plz help I live for validation.

He woke up to pain and confusion, red-hot pokers in his eyes and his throat stuffed with cotton seeds. Kain took a sharp breath in and flexed his claws— fingers. He was in his human form, lying on his back on the hard ground, the only comfort being a lumpy pillow and blanket pulled up to his shoulders. What had happened? Why wasn’t he in bed? Why couldn’t he see?

“N— Nadine?” He rasped, a thirst making itself known to him at his words. Where was that human? Maybe she had answers as to what happened, why he was on the ground and why his face hurt and he couldn’t see. What was the last thing he remembered?

Cobalt-Riley had called the underground together. Remy had told him about the St. George soldier that was walking in their midst. Some crazy chick had talked about talking to the genocidal asshats and then Cobalt-Riley threw him into a barn. Nadine had reprimanded him and then sent him off to his room, then Cobalt-Riley gathered them, and then… and then…

St. George. Kain had helped St. George, he had fought and it had been terrifying and the smell of blood was overwhelming and the dragons— they weren’t dragons. They couldn’t be dragons— had attacked them all without any mercy, and by the time Cobalt-Riley had called for a retreat a not-dragon had torn into his eyes and there was blood everywhere and he had to wait for hours before Wesley had been able to see him, and he said that—

“Wes!” Kain’s voice rose to a thready scream and he sat up, only making a headache from the pits of hell radiate everywhere and a pain travel up his flank. He couldn’t see. Everything was so dark, he couldn’t see, he knew that it had been bad, but he still strained his eyes for anything to pick up. There was nothing. He couldn’t see anything.

“Wes!” He screamed a bit louder. The noise hurt, moving hurt, but he tried to sit up anyways and strained his voice. “Please—”

“Kain…” There was a groggy voice and Kain snapped towards it. He knew that voice, but not by name. It was a dragon, though. That helped the panic rising in his chest with every heartbeat that passed in darkness. “You need to keep your voice down or else I’ll drop kick you out of this post office.”

“I—I— Where’s Wes? Or another medic? I need to— owww…” Kain dropped back onto the ground and clutched his head, feeling tight bandages around his eyes. Maybe that was all that was causing the darkness. Maybe if he took them off then he’d be able to see again. He needed to find Wes, he could tell him what had happened.

“He was with Sage last time I checked,” The voice said. Then sighed. “You stay quiet, I’ll go get him. But I swear if you wake up Atlas he will crawl over to your bed and punch you. And then I will. Shut up.”

The was a shuffle and creak of floorboards as the girl left. Kain felt over his face again, the bandages covering his eyes and stitches spanning over his cheek from where a dragon had latched on and tore at his face until it felt more blood than skin. They were like vultures, coming down on him and leaving him defenseless to try and fight them off. He had been relieved when a soldier— St. George, they had killed Isaac, they killed his best friend— had shot the thing off of him. He had been more relieved when Cobalt-Riley had told them to fall back and someone had realized that he couldn’t see through all of the blood.

What if he never saw again?

“Kain.” The thick British accent alerted him to Wes’ presence. “Get something to eat, Mason. Something other than Cheez-its. Bloody hell, Kain… you’ve bled through your bandages.”

“What’s wrong with me? Why can’t… you didn’t…” His hand trembled and Wes let out a long sigh, slowly getting him upright despite how much worse it made the headache. “You couldn’t… You can’t. That—”

“I explained what I was going to do before I put you under, Kain,” Wes muttered. “I tried to save as much of your right eye as possible, but your left—”

“No.”

“It had to come out, Kain. It had completely ruptured, there wasn’t any saving it.”

“No.”

“You’re right eye might still be functional, I did everything—”

“No!”

His eye had been removed. The darkness wasn’t just from the bandages.

He was blind.

**** **** **** ****

Cobalt-Riley decided to move them back to the Order Chapterhouse, a choice that Kain strongly disagreed with. He didn’t want to go back there. He didn’t want to be anywhere near the soldiers that had hunted him like a dog for three years. But Wes agreed. He said that they had better medical equipment, and that could mean the difference between life and death for Nettle and Sage. And the idea of either of them dying was even worse.

“Kain, we’re leaving now. I want to get you there fast, so you’re on on this trip,” Wes’ voice told him. “I’m going to help you up, okay?” A hand took his own and Wes got him on his feet, which made the headache worsen and a feeling of vertigo nearly cause him to fall over. The only thing that kept him upright was Wes’ hands on his shoulders. He slowly led him outside, telling him when to step down. Kain strained his eyes— eye— to see anything through the bandages, but the light didn’t change.

But it could change. He clung to that, Wes had shined a flashlight in his eye and he could definitely see the difference of light or dark. But at the moment, with someone having to guide his every step and him practically clinging to the guidance, if felt like a bitter condolence.

“You’re in the passenger’s seat,” Wes told him. He heard the car door open and a moment later Wes’ hand was on his back to help him into the car. “The moment we get Sage into a room and set things up I’ll ask the St. George medic if there’s anything else I can do for you.”

Kain let out a snort. “They’re going to help us? What type of backwards world did I step into?” There was a slam of the closing door and for a moment he couldn’t hear Wes, which sent a jolt of fear through him. Wes had been the person to tell him where everything was for the past few days, and losing track of him in an unfamiliar area was more scary than he wanted to admit. But less than five seconds letter the driver’s side door opened and Kain’s chest relaxed.

“A world, Kain, where there are two medics and around eighteen major injuries. Most of whom—” The car rumbled to life and Kain jumped, grabbing for his seatbelt until he made contact. “—Are bloody idiots.”

Kain winced. He couldn’t tell if he was referencing Hamsah trying to shit back into human form with a torn wing, Persephone trying to walk and nearly puncturing her lung in the process, or Kain himself trying to stand and find Sage the previous day before subsequently getting lost.

“Try not to fight any soldiers this time,” He said as they started moving. “These guys aren’t as welcoming as our St. George.”

Kain expected a surge of indignance at the way he spoke, or at least anger towards the soldier and his traitor girlfriend. But he felt nothing besides a bit of pain for bringing it up.

He hadn’t felt this way since Isaac died.

He nodded and rested his cheek on his hand, staring at where he knew the window was. He could imagine the desert passing around them, the sandy brown and cacti and tumbleweed that he had seen on his flight. Maybe if he focused enough on imagining, he’d be able to ignore that he wasn’t actually seeing a thing.

**** **** **** ****

He was sharing a room with and Jasper, Persephone, and Hamsah. He knew that it was because of wound intensity so Wes and Riley would be closer to the people who were less stable, but it still felt awkward and he couldn’t help but wish that he was in a room with Mason or Sage. Of course, Sage was unconscious, ribcage and spine broken apart, in the high risk room with Nettle. Mason was in the least risk room.

During the first night, Kain continued to strain his eyes to see anything. He was too afraid to move from his cot in case he got lost in the dark so close to St. George, but staying still felt even worse. In the end he stood and stumbled across the room, bracing his hands against the cold wall and shuffling until he found the door. He just needed to get out of the room. No further. He wouldn’t get lost if he was just outside his room.

The air was cool on the exposed part of his face and provided some relief for the bandages around his head. He closed the door and sank to the ground, hugging his knees to his chest. He hated the human body he was confined to, cold and weak and damaged, but if he shifted… that would be bad. For numerous reasons. He was in a St. George chapterhouse. He’d destroy a perfectly comfortable hoodie. He’d tear his stitches and just cause more damage to his face.

He’d still be blind.

Kain growled at himself and rubbed at the bandages, a movement that quickly turned to scratching and then tearing. They came off and the desert air hit him, cool and dry around his irritated eyes.

It was still so dark.

Kain rubbed at his eyelid, feeling something warm and damp come off his fingers. Wes had only taken his bandages off once to flush out his eyes and check for infection, but then he had been dousing them with water so he couldn’t have seen, even if he had still had his eyes. But now there was no denying it. He couldn’t see. He’d never he able to see again.

Kain started to shake, tremors travelling from his hands to his chest until he was a shaking ball curled against the door. He was blind. There was nothing he could do about it. And suddenly the hallway was an endless labyrinth that he couldn’t navigate and the world felt too large to survive in. He didn’t even know if he could make it back to his cot by himself.

“Kain?” A voice to his right made Kain’s head shoot up. “Bloody hell, Kain…” He heard a shuffle and then Wes’ feet walking towards him. Kain curled up further and tried to stop the tremors wracking his body. “Come on. I have a first aid kit in Riley’s room, we can patch this up.”

“Fuck off, Higgins,” Kain tried to growl. It came out a whimper. He heard Wes sit down next to him and considered hitting him until he realized that then he’d be even more alone. Wes had been doing his best to keep them all grounded. But he was the one that took his eye. But there hadn’t been any saving it. His thoughts were just making him shake harder until his teeth were chattering from the movement.

“Do you need me to get Riley?” Wes asked softly. Kain shook his head. “Alright. Need me to leave?”

At that Kain grabbed for Wes’ arm. He couldn’t be left alone, the hallway was too big and he was too small and everything hurt and he needed someone to make the world seem a little more manageable. It didn’t matter if it was Mason or Wes or Nadine or even that crazy dragonell who dragged them all into this. He couldn’t be alone.

Wes sighed beside him and Kain clenched his fists, fearing for a moment that he’d be left alone. A tentative hand landed on his shoulder, grounding him where he sat. And the world felt smaller, somehow.

“Before you go back to bed I need to redo your bandages,” He whispered. Kain nodded and bit his lip to stop the chattering.

“I— I rubbed at my eyes. I know I’m not supposed to,” He whispered.

“Bloody twat.”

Kain shivered and drew his legs closer to his chest. And Wes snorted. A second later he felt either a jacket or a blanket being thrown over his shoulders. It didn’t help much, but it was something to clench in his hands. There was a liquid dripping down his face and he tried to wipe it away before Wes grabbed his wrist. Kain growled.

“The more you touch your face the more I’m going to have to watch out for infection. Don’t do that,” He said. Kain pulled his wrist out of the his grasp and Wes sighed again. “Look, Kain. I’ve never been good with emotions, it’s not my job. But obviously… you need someone who is. And I can try my best if you need me to.”

Kain shook his head, lying blatantly. But Wes didn’t press him to speak or leave. He just sat next to him, offering a silent promise that he wasn’t completely alone. And before he could stop it, his mouth opened up and started to talk on its own accord.

“It’s so dark,” He whispered. “I can’t stand the thought of living like this forever, I felt like if I took the bandages off, then it would be okay again, that I’d be able to see, and— and—” He shuddered. “I can’t.”

There was silence from Wes, whose hand had returned to his shoulder and was rubbing it softly.

“I am sorry,” He finally said. “We— Riley and I should not have let you fight. But we did, and now you’re the one that has to pay the price.” He said. “But you’re strong, Kain. You’ve lived through… a lot. Enough that this isn’t going to trip you up forever.”

“You suck at this.”

“Well, it’s not my job,” Wes said. “But my point is that you can adjust. And you will… and Riley and I will be there to help while you’re at it.” Kain nodded. It didn’t help much. He couldn’t see, he wasn’t going to get better, and that fact still weighed heavily in his mind. But Wes was right. He would adjust. He always did, and this time he had people to help him.

It wasn’t much, but it was something. And he would take anything.

“I need to fix up your eyes before they get infected. You need help up?” He asked. Kain stood and leaned against the wall until the swimming in his head left him and let Wes take his forearm, leading him to a room that was a light grey rather than black. He tried to focus to see any shadows, a vague shape of the room, but there was nothing beyond the solid color.

Wes stayed right beside him the entire time, talking in a low voice. The sound told Kain exactly where he was.

It was something.

#The Talon Saga #The Talon Series #Julie Kagawa #Wesley Higgins #Kain #Inferno placeholder tag #Talon-Trash #sorry guys #I know that I shouldn't feel empathy for Kain #but I do #so I make him suffer #at least Wes is trying tho #right?

7 notes · View notes

talonsaga-trash · 7 years ago

Text

Rise and Shine, St. Anthony: You Lived, isn’t That Enough?

Summary: Tristan wakes up. And Garret couldn’t be more thankful. But as time goes on, he’s starting to think that Tristan wishes he had just died. (Aka, Tristan learns to deal with the aftermath of having a building fall on him.) Words: So many. A/N: Not as angsty as it sounds. Hopefully. Wait nvm it’s angst so much angst whoops sorry guys. Apparently if you want fluff you have to request it. Disclaimer: Talon? Not mine. Medical expertise? Not my forte. Don’t take my medical things as truth; I’m just a kid with a laptop.

Pain.

That was the first thing Tristan could register.

He couldn’t see, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t figure out which way was up, but he could feel pain. It was everywhere and nowhere at the same time, so overwhelming that he could barely think through it. He couldn’t even tell where it was, he could barely locate his body through it.

He didn’t know how long passed before he could start to sense anything else other than the pain. Mechanical beeping, dim blurs of light behind closed eyelids that were too stiff to force open. Sharp daggers through his throat and abdomen, scraping over his right arm and chest, a crushing weight on his legs. He tried to take a breath and failed, but it felt like there was still oxygen being forced down his throat. He tried to take another breath and coughed, which only made the beeping louder and the pain worse and the lights were getting too bright and there was movement and his chest his chest

“Tristan?” The voice was soft and fractured in his ears, but it pierced through the veil that seemed to be covering his entire body. He knew that person, person attached to the warm hand on his face. What was the name, what was happening? Where was he? “Tristan!”

Garret.

Tristan forced open his eyes and stared up at his partner, who was looking at him with an expression that Tristan couldn’t quite read. Everything was still too blurry, but just seeing Garret next to him made the pain feel more manageable. He tried to smile at him, but that just made everything from his face to his throat hurt. Garret was still speaking to him, but it was hard to make out. He wanted to ask questions, where he was, what had happened, why everything hurt... but he tried to move his lips and felt a sharp pain down his throat from what suddenly felt like a tube. He heart the beeping pick up as he tried to raise an arm to his face. Why was there a tube in his throat?

Garret took his right hand as he tried to move it and kept it at his side, still whispering nonsensical noises to Tristan’s ears. His arm stung and felt heavy, so he didn’t struggle. Garret was there. Garret could give him answers as soon as Tristan could understand him. And his hand was back on his cheek, warm and soft. That was all that mattered.

He wasn’t speaking when Garret was allowed back in the next day.

He still felt a childish anger that he had to wait so long after Doctor Grace shoved him away, despite Tristan’s non-understandable, raspy sings of protest. That in itself was a testament of how much Tristan didn’t want him to leave, considering that he had an oxygen tube in his throat that made any noise painful and any speaking impossible. But after she told him what condition his partner was in he could acknowledge that it was probably for the best that Tristan could be alone as he was informed what had happened. From the state of his body from the state of the Order, he probably needed the solitude to process the wreckage left behind.

“Hi, Tristan,” Garret whispered. Tristan looked at him, exhausted. His breaths were coming out in shallow gasps, but it was a simple relief to see him with a cannula over his face rather than a tube shoved down his throat. He still had IVs in both arms and a two tubes sticking out of his chest and stomach, but it was an improvement. He could breathe by himself.

He hadn’t spoken.

“You can understand me, right?” Tristan nodded to Garret’s question and his eyebrows creased. His raised his arm shakily and ever so carefully flipped him off before letting his arm drop to his side. Garret laughed and Tristan gave a slight smirk, proud of his only possible brand of humor at the moment. “Glad you’re still in there, Trist.”

He snorted slightly and then winced. There were red tracks around his bloodshot eyes and Garret pursed his lips, the temporary happiness leaving him. His partner was alive, and he had just proved that he was still himself. But ‘himself’ was trapped in a body that had been crushed by a building.

Tristan had always hated that chapel.

“Welcome back to the land of the living and all that,” He finally said. He sank into the seat next to Tristan and took his hand. He didn’t twitch or squeeze back, and it broke Garret more than he thought he could be broken. Because Tristan couldn’t. Doctor Grace said that he probably would never be able to feel his left arm again, let alone move it. His right was in a plaster cast up to his shoulder with over thirty screws holding the bone together, but at least he’d be able to move it when the cast came off.

Tristan remained silent and Garret bit his lip.

“It’s... ah... October 23rd, if you hadn’t heard, almost Halloween. I visited Marc on the seventeenth for you, don’t worry about that. It still looks taken care of,” He said. He decided not to mention that he practically begged the gravestone to give his partner back to him. Tristan made a slight gasping sound and Garret squeezed his hand harder. “Can you speak? Grace said— She said...”

Brain damage is a very real possibility, Sebastian. He hasn’t spoken since he woke up. I’m hoping that’s just disorientation, but I can’t tell how far it goes quite yet.

Garret pursed his lips and closed his eyes to stop himself from crying. He wasn’t supposed to be upset, Tristan was alive, Tristan was alive, that was a cause for happiness. But Tristan wasn’t talking, he was barely breathing, he still had tubes sticking out of his stomach and chest, and he might never walk again.

“Sssss,” Tristan whispered. Garret’s head shot up to meet Tristan’s eyes, narrowed with pain and concentration. “Ssss... se...igh’.” His voice was hoarse and tight, but the fact that he had managed to speak, or at least make something related to English words, was enough for Garret to breathe a sigh of relief and almost start crying harder. “Ssss.”

Garret nodded and wiped his eyes. “I feel like I should be the one comforting you.”

Tristan gave a breathy laugh and tried to smile, but the stitches over his face stretched painfully and he stopped.

He didn’t try to speak again. But he could. And he did. That had to be something.

Garret was pretty sure that the moment Tristan’s cast came off he was going try and strangle either Doctor Grace or Garret. Or maybe Ember. Five days of being conscious, four days of Ember coming in to visit him Garret, and two days after accidentally ripping out his feeding tube, Tristan was getting understandably agitated of being surrounded by the same four walls. But no matter how much he sympathized, Garret would rather not be killed by his partner.

“Be agreeable or else Grace is going to get someone else to do this.”

Tristan hissed low in his throat and Garret groaned. Speech was still something he was working on too, though not for lack of trying. But after five days, everything still came out choppy and muddled no matter how hard he tried to form a sentence. Garret would hear him trying to talk to himself during the night when they were both supposed to be sleeping with varying amounts of success, but it usually ended up with him bursting into tears.

“Tristan, please. I know it’s humiliating, but the point stands that you can’t move your arms. So please work with me,” Garret said. Tristan clenched his jaw. “You’re the worst and I will pry your mouth open if I have to.”

If anything, Tristan’s glare darkened even more, blue eyes drilling a hole through his head as he finally did what he was told. Garret shoved a spoonful of oatmeal in his mouth before he could change his mind. Hopefully, that would be the hardest bite, unless he threw up from the taste. Which Garret wouldn’t blame him for doing. Two days of oatmeal and water. Two days of having to be spoon fed everything.

Tristan muttered something completely unintelligible after he swallowed, so muddled and accented that Garret couldn’t even tell if he had tried for English or given up on that front. He accepted the next spoonful grudgingly and then almost coughed it back up. Garret sighed and scraped some off his chin with a spoon, eliciting a whine of what Garret guessed was both frustration and mortification from Tristan.

“You’ll have use of your right arm soon, don’t worry. Then we won’t have to do this anymore,” He promised and gave Tristan some water through a straw. Soon. Like soon he’ll be off oxygen, and soon he’ll be out of bed, and soon he won’t need a tube that keeps his chest from filling with water and blood, and soon he’ll be able to talk without stumbling over his words. Soon.

It was all he could ever offer. To either of them. And even that was a partial lie, because he had no idea how much it was true.

No doubt Tristan was echoing Garret’s thoughts if the twitch in his face was anything to say about it, but again, the ability to speak a long string of words, again, was still a work in progress. Garret saved him the trouble of trying by sticking another spoonful of oatmeal in his mouth before he could protest. Tristan swallowed and pursed his mouth firmly closed as Garret tried to keep getting food into his system.

“C’mon, Tristan. Just get through it bowl,” Garret sighed and Tristan’s glower deepened. “Alright, I get that it’s shitty food, but it’s easy for you to process and super nutritional so please just eat it.” He broke eye contact and looked away. “Please? For your partner?”

“N— ne,” He mumbled and Garret smiled in spite of himself. He more he spoke the more hope it gave them both that he’d recover. Even if he couldn’t use one of his arms ever again, communication was a milestone. But he needed to eat.

“I’m really not kidding. I can and I will pry your mouth open if you don’t cooperate, Grace told me to get you to eat something by any means possible.”

Tristan growled at him and opened his mouth again, letting Garret continue to spoon feed him.

“Thank you.”

“F— Fu—Fuck—” Tristan shook his head and closed his eyes in frustration before he whispered something that Garret couldn’t understand but could figure out the connotation of pretty quickly.

“That works too.”

Nights were the worst.

Pain pain pain pain pain pain pain. Tristan shut his eyes tightly. Five days since he woke up and he was deeply regretting the decision. His ribs were broken in six places and cracked in countless others, his right lung had been punctured and was still struggling to function. His legs... well. Doctor Grace was likely correct in assuming there was too much damage to walk again; he wasn’t even sitting up and the pain of their were existence it was too much.

At least in the day Garret was awake.

At least he’s allowed in during the night.

Garret. He was sleeping in the chair beside him, chest to the back of it for some support, holding what Tristan knew was his left hand. It didn’t help. He couldn’t grip back. He couldn’t feel Garret’s hand in his. He couldn’t feel anything after the pinching in his shoulder.

Nights were the worst because they made a pit of despair rise up inside of him, because he was a soldier and he needed to fight and he wanted to move and he couldn’t even breathe and he’d never be able to ever again, and at night there wasn’t Garret’s whispered promise of a someday, someday, someday to keep his mind off of the helplessness and the pain and the gut wrenching fact that someday might never come, and he could be trapped in something little more than a corpse. Forever.

“Tristan?” Garret muttered and yawned. “You’re crying again.”

He was. That was probably why it was even harder than normal to breathe. He tried to take a deeper breath, but that only made his throat burn and he coughed harshly, the pipe travelling into his nearly collapsed lung grating against his sides, and it hurt, everything hurt, why couldn’t he just stop crying?

“What’s wrong?” Garret asked once the coughing subsided and he was back to trying to stifle his tears. He wanted to tell Garret everything swimming around in his head, about how he felt trapped in a body that was no longer designed for him, how much everything hurt, how scared he was that he would never feel whole again. But he couldn’t. There was no way his mouth would cooperate for that long. So he just shook his head and hoped that the pain would go away for long enough for him to sleep.

He just wanted to sleep until the someday that Garret promised. The someday that could never come.

Garret brought Tristan’s limp hand to his lips for a second before lowering it again. “Hurts?” Tristan nodded and Garret sighed. He set the hand down and absentmindedly ran a hand through Tristan’s hair, trying not to irritate the scabs and stitches over his head. “Is this helping?”

Nothing helps. Tristan couldn’t stop crying. Garret shushed him and continued to stay by his bedside, whispering of promised somedays that Tristan felt would never ever come to pass.

“The pain isn’t forever,” Neither of us know that. “Just... you can get through this. We’ll go one day at a time.” None of these days are getting better. “For now try for some sleep tonight, okay?” I wish I had never woken up.

I wish you hadn’t pulled me out of the chapel.

Garret had settled into a schedule. Wake up next to Tristan. Fight him through a bowl of oatmeal before handing his care to Grace. Go over to the building with the hatchlings, check on Ember and share a breakfast with her and usually Jade or Wes. Eat lunch around noon before heading back to the infirmary to fight through another bowl of oatmeal. Sometimes stay for another hour, but usually go back to Ember. At eight, return to the infirmary and spend the night.

Which was why it was so surprising to be woken at 500 before the sun had risen.

From screaming.

Garret’s head shot up as he heard it, gravelly and fractured and wrong, Tristan’s hand clenching down on his as he writhed. He hadn’t been able to move so much ever since he woke up, and Garret could tell that it was just causing him even more pain. The heart monitor was beeping frantically as Tristan’s scream quieted into ragged gasps.

“Ko—” Tristan fought out before he inhaled sharply to let out a groan. “K—”

Garret knelt beside him, energy pouring into his body with nothing to put it towards, he couldn’t help, he didn’t know what was wrong, his lungs could be collapsing and he wouldn’t be able to stop it. He clenched Tristan’s hand back and tried to stop his struggles from ripping anything out, but he didn’t know what else to do. Grace had to have been alerted, that much he knew, but she wasn’t there and Tristan was in agony and Garret didn’t know what to do. Was he dying? Tristan couldn’t die now, not after he woke up...

The curtain was pulled aside and the Doctor pushed Garret away, speaking to a frantic Tristan in a low voice and trying to get an assessment while he tried to thrash and move to a position where everything hurt less. Garret closed his eyes and looked away, halfway wishing that he couldn’t hear anything because then he wouldn’t have to hear what could be his partner dying.

His screaming quieted and the heart monitor evened out before Garret opened his eyes. Doctor Grace took the syringe out of the IV drip and sighed, running a hand over her face before laughing to herself.

“Is he...” Garret whispered and looked down at his partner, eyes cloudy but at least no longer in pain. “Is he alright?”

“This boy has angels looking out for him,” She whispered to herself before she made eye contact with Garret. She offered him a smile, something that she hadn’t done ever since he had returned. “He can feel his arm again.”

Something that Tristan learned within five minutes of waking up was that being able to feel his arm was very different from being able to use it.

Even with painkillers running through his system it hurt, every twitch he forced sending electrical pain up to his shoulder. When Garret took his hand again he could barely keep the hiss in his throat. He tried to squeeze back, but his hand still felt weak and stiff and painful. Like whatever signals it sent back to his brain had been put through a butcher’s shop.

And being on painkillers. Not fun.

Any ability to speak in any language had been stripped from him. He had been able to get staple words and phrases out. “Yes” and “No” and “Thanks” the occasional “Fuck you”. And no matter how little that was, he could listen to Garret talk, and he spoke enough for the both of them. But the painkillers blunted everything, pain, sight, and thoughts included. He could barely piece together his thoughts, and he definitely couldn’t formulate them into any words, let alone English. He couldn’t even understand Garret for the most part.

He was completely isolated.

The first day was the same, just quieter. He didn’t offer any resistance when Garret spoon fed him his meals that made him want to vomit. Garret made noises that Tristan knew were words and could sometimes understand individually, but he stopped speaking as much when he realized that Tristan couldn’t process anything. Tristan wished that he would keep talking. His voice was beautiful.

When he woke up on the second day, he was gone. Doctor Grace was in and out, hooking up another IV in his chest before saying a quick explanation that he couldn’t understand. He kept waiting for Garret to show up with a smile, but the day passed and he didn’t come. Nor did he come the next day, or the day after that. When Grace started to force his arm to work while still under the influence of painkillers he wasn’t there to try and make it easier, nor was he there when a nightmare of the collapse made him wake up gasping, still immobile and defenseless. He wasn’t there to tell him that the people he saw during the night weren’t real.

Tristan didn’t ask what happened. He was too afraid.

“I need to stay with the hatchlings and I don’t want Wes to go alone," He said. “Should just be getting into the IT rooms, simple recon,” He said. “Four hours tops,” He said. Garret rubbed his eyes as he and Wes drove into the Chapterhouse to be met with a highly anxious Ember. She hugged him before he could even get out of his seat.

“Riley’s already told me what happened, are you hurt?” She asked.

“Nothing too bad. I wasn’t the one who managed to nearly blow up the IT room and has an electrical burn over his chest and left arm,” Garret raised his voice and glared at Wes, who shrugged unapologetically and then winced. He had, surprisingly, been near completely silent on the eight hour trip back, and didn’t seem like he was going to talk now that they were back on semi-safe grounds. He just nodded at the two of them and walked towards the building that housed them. Probably to assure Riley that he was still alive and alright for the most part.

Garret had more important thing to focus on.

It had been three days since he last saw Tristan.

Ember went with him, holding his hand in her own for some small comfort as they entered the infirmary. Every soldier that was still in the infirmary had a separation curtain, but there was an open one where Angelo was sitting up in bed with a somewhat vacant expression. He flipped off Garret when he passed and Garret smiled back before he found Tristan’s bed.

“I’ll— uh...” Ember pursed her lips before she kissed him gently and gave him a reassuring smile. “I’ll meet you back at our compound.” Garret nodded. No doubt that it would be best for him and Tristan to be alone.

“Hi, Tristan,” Garret said as he pulled the curtain aside. Tristan turned his head towards Garret and smiled, raising his right arm slightly in greeting. He seemed better, but still obviously high on painkillers. Talking wasn’t going to be a possibility, then.

“I missed you,” Garret whispered. He took Tristan’s hand, which caused him to hiss slightly from the pain. Garret dropped it and sat down. “I was on a mission to a Talon base. We got what we needed and destroyed the servers... it felt like something for a spy rather than a soldier, but I’m adapting. You probably would have done better. You’re— You were—” The words felt bitter in Garret’s mouth and he shut himself down. Tristan looked at him, blue eyes glassy and not understanding a word.

“You’ll get better once you’re off painkillers. It’ll get easier.”

It did. Kind of.

It was obvious that Tristan was still in pain, every movement of his right arm would cause an unwilling whimper to escape his throat, his breathing became more shallow, and he’d twitch fitfully in his sleep. But he knew what was going on. He’d reply when Garret spoke, usually without speech but occasionally with a painful word dragged out of his unwilling mouth. After another week he exchanged a plaster cast for a cast brace and was struggling through another bowl of oatmeal. Except this time, the largest issue was that he wanted to smash the bowl and all of its contents onto Garret face.

“Fuhin’ o— oat... fuck.” Tristan glared at the bowl as if it had personally offended him and then looked at Garret beseechingly.

“I would get you different food if I could, Tristan. But alas, I’m not the medic in charge of you. Grace is. Take it up with her.”

Tristan sighed and stabbed the spoon into the paste, looking ready to throw up and he tried to force it into his mouth. It was slow, and it was painful, and Garret had needed to hold up Tristan’s right hand multiple times because it decided to stop working, but he was getting somewhere.

Tristan dropped his spoon and closed his eyes tightly, trying to swear and tripping over the words. Garret could sense the tears right before they came and considered looking away. He hated when Tristan cried, especially now that he couldn’t ever explain why. He took the bowl out of his partner’s hands and moved from the chair to sit on the edge of the bed. Tristan was still trying to stop the tears dripping town his face. Garret sighed and put his arm around his partner’s shoulders, holding him tight.

They could start again the next day.

It was another week before Tristan was cleared to leave the infirmary. It took two hours for Doctor Grace to get him ready due to taking out the IVs and tube from his chest, giving him his physical therapy packet, and then adjusting a wheelchair so he could properly use it.

Wheelchair.

Grace said that it would hopefully be temporary, that maybe in a few months he wouldn’t need to use it. But Garret could tell that she said it mostly for Tristan’s sake. It would hopefully be temporary. At he moment it was still a struggle to move it by himself, so Garret was stayed by his side as he made his way across the stone.

“S’allrigh’, Arreh— Car—” Tristan shook his head and gave a slight smile to hide the frustration rolling off of him in waves. Garret cursed his own name for a moment, the ‘G’ had always been difficult to pronounce for Tristan. Now it was as good as impossible. “S’alrigh’. I’m... well.”

Garret offered a small smirk and flick his forehead. “‘Well’. Pretentious bastard.”

“Fffuck. You. C— Kh— Fuck. Jarret,” Tristan wheeled himself onward with determination. It was still unbelievably slow. Garret narrowly avoided giving into the temptation to push the wheelchair himself multiple times as they made their way to the isolated complex where the rogue dragons were sleeping. And Tristan— as he wouldn’t be able to climb the stairs to his room— was sharing a room.

“It’s just like old times, huh?” Garret whispered almost to himself. “I... I miss it, sometimes. The chapterhouse, the training, even the shitty meals that I still don’t trust.” Tristan snorted a bit and nodded. Garret pursed his lips. “You.” Mostly you.

That made them both pause, Tristan’s scarred, shaking hands gripping the wheels.

“Y... Yeh. I miss you. misssst. Mis— missed.” Tristan cleared his throat and started over. “I missed you, too.”

He smiled to himself softly, but it was more real than anything Garret had seen for a while. It was proud, and Garret felt a rush of pride and happiness for his partner to match it. It was his first full sentence in days, and it might have been his first sentence that didn’t have any mistakes.

He was breathing by himself. He wasn’t bedridden. He was speaking. It was a start.

A/N: I think there will be more later, but until then, have this angst wagon! At least he can speak, right? And, a note on disability: I am well aware that a lot of Tristan’s thoughts are super narrow minded. I am aware that it’s unhealthy to think like that. I did this on purpose. He’s used to having a working body. This would be a huge adjustment period for him and would take a lot of time to accept. Thank you for your understanding.

#The Talon Saga #The Talon Series #Legion #Julie Kagawa #Tristan St. Anthony #Garret Xavier Sebastian #Inferno Placeholder tag #Tristan needs a better nap than this #Talon-Trash #Rise and Shine St. Anthony

2 notes · View notes