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lilytcyip · 5 years

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December 31st, 2019

1.3 tera v w/ rjin & ggao

1.4 cactus & la foret w/ jng

1.8 talked it out with jng ; tried to understand that if i were happy, what more could you ask for

1.11 cyns bday dinner

1.11 craft beer w/ aleung & lwong

1.13 arisu & standing egg with efeng & aleung ; drove on highway for the first time

1.18 west dineout w/ annie pkp

1.19 glass w/ fifi

2.10 first snow of the year

2.3 cny lunch at home with the fam - tong yuen & poon choi

2.4 mooseknuckles - grateful

2.5 lunar new year

2.16 hangiout with mamayip & sis: beta 5, fixing the parka, meetfresh, miku sushi dindin

2.17 mom leaving for 2 months, wandering earth with the yips

2.19 happy hour cactus w/ fifi

2.20 kokoro lunch & shopping w/ rjin

2.20 so hyang w/ veda & nwu

2.21 black been noodles & tonkatsu lunch & usagi matcha sweets w/ ewong

2.22 green leaf sushi & grounds for coffee w/ vtan

2.25 sushi mura w/ acao ; larry berg planes and kisses for the first time

3.13 mental health talk w/ nwu & tchiu + jamjar

3.15 virtuous pie & nanas green tea w/ rjin

3.16 wine night w/ claw, aleung & fsyal

3.17 tabom & stanely park w/ jerpilla

3.23 pool & rc shopping with jyang

4.3 studying with jyang on campus & langara bye

4.9 studying with jyang at my house

4.18 ramen danbo & official date

4.20 so hyang & off the grid waffles w/ ayip

4.26 sci ning off w/ aleung, claw, fsyal, lwong & mcheung

4.27 clay llama terra pot class

4.29 so hyang budae jjigae & yifang w/ ewong

4.30 rc shopping & sushi lover with the yips

5.1 maenam, kits beach & rain or shiine ice cream w/ rjin

5.2 our first little tiff & being called chubby by mlo

5.3 shopping w/ vchan, aleung & fsyal

5.7-5.11 LA trip

5.8 LACMA & melrose & century city field

5.9 warner bros tour

5.10 malibu

5.28-6.1 hokkaido, japan

5.29 a 2-floor hotel with own onsen

5.31 otaru food adventures

6.1 doraemon painting & royce airport

6.2 macau: got scammed by taxi & lost luggage

6.7-6.15 inner mongolia & beijing

6.18 first co op offer

6.21 fire port party at fifis house

6.29 pottery painting w lwong, aleung, vchan, fsyal

7.5 brunch w/ rjin at jethro’s fine grub, baker & table

7.6 nwu’s birthday dindin at coast, hangout with aleung & nwu at nightingale

7.14 leavenworth cherries

7.17 brunch w/ rjin at OEB

7.19 nightmarket w/ jyang, mlaw, rjin

7.21 beach day w/ aleung, fsyal & lwong; hy’s with fam

7.24 chau veggies w/ acao

7.27 shiok & icy bar w/ ewong

8.3 first day of work at doctors office

8.4 escape room w/ vchan, fsyal & jyang; bowling & anh and chi

8.17 dindin w/ fsyal, aleung & tlim; double date walks at olympic village with ancas

8.18 - 8.19 kelowna

8.18 polar grove & penticton lazy river, mission hill

8.19 kayaking, quail’s gate

8.24 lit night at fifis house with the girls and boys

8.25 aleung’s bday harrison trip

8.27 work shopping & nuba w/ fsyal

8.28 sleepover w/ rjin

8.29 brunch w/ aleung, moii cafe chill with fsyal too

9.3 first day of co op work

9.7 grave of the fireflies & wildtale cuddles

9.14 eric chou meet & greet

9.19 amandarachlee neg comment and posted my encouragement on her story

10.5 maiko parfait & shopping w/ jyang, earls with the amigos

10.18 gmen & oncecake: melody, rillakuma, card & collage

10.24 dark table w/ rjin

11.7 moii after work

12.15 baking custard souffle pancakes w/ ewong

12.18 office christmas party & bbt w/ slim

12.19 glow

12.21 fifi’s christmas party

12.22 christmas market w/ rjin: churros & chimney cake

12.23 psyc team secret santa & mahjong

12.25 christmas dindin at market by jean-georges

12.26 birthday dindin at zeferelli

12.27 ring & birthday dinner at brix and mortar w/ jyang

12.28 skated alone, worked out, baked & dindin at botanist

looking back at it now, i definitely went out a lot more compared to previous years LOL i had some struggles in january, and at multiple points in my life i blamed myself for being ungrateful, for seeking more when i already had so much in life compared to other people. my friends were there for me and i wouldnt have been able to live through it without them. then again, during reading break in february, i got myself into the same hot mess and i was sad about it for a week and i blamed myself for getting so attached so quickly. because of these experiences, my expectations were v low and i didnt really expect anything when i talked to jyang, what they say really is true, you get it the moment you stop seeking for it. it comes and find you (: the 3 most important that happened this year is burbur, co op job & me getting more comfortable around doggs; this is a big deal !! i actually like cuddling dogs and i feel less scared of them as long as i have some time to get used to them!! im proud of myself for making progress with my phobia! after i started my co op job, bc i didnt have a lot to do, i felt like i wasnt actively contributing to my workplace and that i was very useless. i still feel the same way now, but i think i am slowly getting used to it. thankfully, my coworkers are VERY nice and i enjoy working around them. while i did not get a different position for january, im still grateful that i got an extended placement. nonetheless, meeting with the different PIs and sumeet pointed me in the right direction of looking for nserc / volunteering opportunities when i do go back to school. AND ofc burbur! im grateful that we were able to be there for each other for the past 8 months, both the ups and downs and i am so so thankful that we’re understanding and patient with each other, as we help each other learn along the way and help each other become a better version of ourselves. this companionship is better than i have asked for and i always remind myself to focus on the important things rather than the minor inconveniences. this year, in terms of fitness goals, ive been doing really well before asia. but ever since i came back, it all went downhill and i gained back all the weight that i lost this year year LOL so in 2020, one of my biggest goal is to eat healthy again, and workout more consistently. getting a job in sept kinda interfered with my progress too, bc i was so tired after work, even when i wasnt doing anything and i stressed eat bc i felt terrible. a lot of diff factors made me feel super stressed, and the fact that i wasnt eating clean / exercising reguarly made me feel worse about the whole situation ): so in 2020, maintaining a healthy lifestyle will be one of my top priorities and gifting myself a healthy body is one of greatest things i can do for myself. this also contributed to the lack of journalling near the end of the year, it felt like bc i wasnt doing the things i was “supposed to do”, i just felt so bad whenever i couldnt tick off that particular habit whenever i fill in my trackers. but tonight, i watched this video and it talked about habits should be for awareness, not for self-hate or self-loathing. this is something that i need to keep in mind. ever since april really, the issue of leaving my house and meeting up with my friends have always stressed me in fear of dealing with passive aggressiveness with my mom lool everytime i get inviited to plans, i just get anxiety about having to tell her about it LOL and even when im out, having a msg/ call for her freaks me out in fear that she will get mad at me for being home late and etc and fifi really woke me up with her words, i should just care less LOL i need to stop caring so much about what she thinks, bc at the end of the day, this IS my life and if i never make any changes, i will never be able to grow and be independent. i think this pree much sums up all my events and emotions in 2019, the last year of the 2010s. in the next decade, a lot of things will happen as i will be in my 20s - 30s, where new opportunities will arise, and graduate uni, do my masters, find a job, maybe even marry and move out LOL the 2020s will definitely be an impt decade, but just for next year i want to:

1. understand that i am old enough to make choices, and in general, care less about what she thinks

2. at the same time, i want to appreciate and be grateful for what my mom, dad and annie have done for me; a lot of the times, i feel like i take them for granted just bc i know they will always be there for me and this is not how you should treat your biggest supporters

3. trust that everything will workout in the end, while you may not be able to envision what you career / life would be like when youre 30, you can definitely take small steps and move towards your goal

4. be mindful of what i eat and exercise regularly (4x hiit & cardio a week) ; treats & sweets in moderation; use those habit trackers for awareness, not for self-loathing / self-hate

5. create art regularly, read more and at least do 5 duolingos every week!

every year, time just seems to go by faster and faster and i feel scared at times. as i type this, theres only 8 minutes left of this decade LOL so in 2020, continue to live in the moment, be present, cherish those that are around you, and have faith that everything will come together, one piece at a time. at the same time, always rmb that you can make small changes to be a better version of yourself, whenever & however you want and this is the 1 thing that other people can’t stop you from doing!

#diary #personal #thoughts #last post of 2019

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lookwhatilost · 5 years

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i. i must’ve passed out unintentionally at some point. im not happy abt it. I didn’t take my makeup off yet. my teeth aren’t brushed. I do this a lot and I worry abt how damaged they must be getting, jst bc I’m stupid and drink too much. I dnt think I drink that much, I mean maybe in general, but not last night. I had, what? the flights at area two, the spiked seltzer and Moscow mule at cityside, the two beers when I got back to the apartment—wait, no, that actually is kind of a lot. im not sure when I got so desensitized. I check the clock—2AM—so i actually haven’t been knocked out for as long as I thought. two hours, probably. it could be worse. the cat is still awake and still being credulous with me. he’s warming up to me again, but it’s a little disheartening to redo this dance with him each time I see him. remember me, dammit. i remember you. I dnt think I’m being entirely fair to him, though. he’s a cat. i can’t rly apply my human understanding of anything to his behavior. either way, he’s waiting outside the bathroom for me when I go in to attend to my teeth and makeup. he follows me. he falls asleep next to me. i feel a little bit validated. part of me thinks being the kind of person that animals like effortlessly is the mark of some inherent goodness, but I know it’s illogical and this took effort. i want to jst believe there’s goodness here, and in my absence of any real examples, I’ll assign depth to something like this. sometimes it’s all you can do.

ii. the sun doesn’t have any business being up at five-something, but it is, and I dnt think there are shades in this room. well, I’m not sure, maybe there are, but I didn’t have the foresight to look for them or close them. llewyn has moved, he’s in his actual bed now, but he seems to have taken notice of the fact that I’m awake. I try to rest my eyes a little bit. i know i won’t be able to sleep with the sun in my eyes, but it’s restful anyway. I have a long day ahead of me and i want to ease into the morning. i think i drifted back off but I can’t tell. llewyn has moved again. it seems like he wants to cuddle now. impeccable timing, as always. ive heard ian’s alarm go off a few times in the other room but they’ve still not come out of it. i have to leave soon. i wanna actually physically say goodbye but I’m worried they’re avoiding me. the last time we had a goodbye moment, i kissed them on the cheek and that probably made them rly uncomfortable. I’m not even sure why I did that. i think they’re the only person im comfortable showing any kind of affection towards but that doesn’t make that action any less weird. especially given... i dnt want to think abt that shit anymore, actually. i can’t without feeling ashamed and very, very stupid. it’s not like that anymore, but i wonder how much has to happen and how much time has to elapse for something like that to not actually matter anymore. i wonder if it ever won’t. it’s probably not personal. not everything that affects me is abt me, sheesh.

iii. the iced coffee at cumberland farms tastes the same as the iced coffee everywhere else, but i can’t get it here often, and it’s very inexpensive. it can’t help but occur to me that 24 ounces of coffee is 7 calories, and the calorie counts are printed on the packages of the food I got—250 for the sandwich, 150 for the hash browns. i marinade on the thought for a little bit before deciding what to do with it. I eat my food and drink the coffee and try not to remember. I do anyway. I’m trying to think of different numbers. this is a pretty substantial takeaway breakfast for $3 and change. better than what i probably could have got at mcdonalds. the sandwich is kind of soggy but it’s not bad. the hash browns are better.

iv. five hours in the car fly by my nose and im back home, kind of. i think I’m still trying to figure out what “home” means. this place is familiar. it’s where i live. my roommate’s dirty dishes from yesterday morning are still in the sink. mail that the cat knocked off the counter on my way out is still sitting on the floor. 24 hours have passed since I was last here, but it looks like nothing has been touched. I may as well have just stepped out for a cigarette.

v. very rarely does anything change in a days time, but when enough of them pass, everything is suddenly different. i slept on this couch more times than I could count before i was even on the lease, like I’d known I’d someday live here and wanted to warm myself up to it. and I’ve lived here for a while now, going on 8 months to be exact, but it simultaneously feels much longer than that, and as though it hasn’t actually been that long. a lot has happened in that time, but mainly to evan. ive witnessed many things that he’s done but have branched out very little myself. i transferred at my job abt a year ago but im still doing the same work I’ve been doing since i was 19. i still have the same friends but i see increasingly less of them. i get into the same car and travel the same roads that take me the same places. i still drink jst as much.

vi. my body has changed a lot, but the things I’ve always hated abt it are still there and the changes have jst given me more to resent. i look in the mirror when I get out of the shower and it’s all the same. the face with the perpetually stupid, bovine look plastered on it, the same masculine jaw, broad shoulders, breasts that are too far apart, more noticeably so since they’ve gotten smaller, the laparoscopy scar on my navel, the clusters of freckles that are jst pigmented enough to make my skin look blotchy, the perpetually inflamed hair follicles on my thighs, the knobby knees, always covered in bruises, the leg that’s slightly shorter than the other. the counter in the bathroom is high enough that I can’t see my labia but I know they’re there. I want to go a day without debating whether to cut them off with the sharpest knife I can find. it’s not today. the weight loss did little to make me feel better abt the way it all looks—the size of my jaw and shoulders is more apparent now that they are less hidden, my eyes bug out, it’s hard to contort so that my ribs aren’t visible somewhere, my hipbones poke through my clothing. I dnt think I’ve ever looked so bad in my life. Im going to cover up.

vii. I look at the date on my phone and saw that it was the 24th and for some reason identified that this was the last time I’d see that number on a calendar before I turned 24 myself. It doesn’t seem to make sense that I’m that old now. I know it’s not old, too, but it doesn’t seem like that should be me. I still think I behave like a child in a lot of respects, and the thought conjures a memory of my old therapist insulting me, saying that I had the mental tendencies of a child in grammar school. when she told me this initially, I replied to her sarcastically: “well, shit. maybe I should see a therapist abt that” and she told me not to come back to her practice. I cried on the way home despite how cognizant I was of the absurdity of the situation. “grammar school”—who even calls it that? it stuck with me nonetheless. it’s hard to have a therapist fire you, even with the knowledge that the therapist in question was not very good, without wondering if you’re a basket case, if help will always be lost on you.

viii. my job isn’t the worst but the labor feels pointless and it rly intensifies my feelings that I’m fighting never ending monotony to wring out very little in the way of satisfaction. i think you rly have to love this job to do it as a career, or maybe you need to have a specific personality type that makes it easier to engage w. im not very good at socializing and i think im getting too old to keep making excuses for myself abt that. meg and ash are always nagging me to sell more but i dnt feel comfortable enough to make small talk w these people, let alone sell them stuff. i feel like i sound so stupid when I speak aloud. i use a lot of fillers in my speech and it’s rly hard to talk abt hair without sounding like a bullshitter. something is very insincere abt the language that’s involved. i know i know what im talking abt but I dnt know how to sound like i know what I’m talking abt, and it’s hard bc the latter is a lot more important.

ix. I can’t tell if people sincerely aren’t making sense today or if im foggy bc i kept waking up and going back to sleep. this guy keeps saying that the last woman who cut his hair used a 5 on the sides and a 9 on the top but she cut it all w scissors. that definitely doesn’t make sense. i dnt think they even make a 9. why would she be using clipper settings to describe a scissor cut? the top here is at least 3 times as long as the sides and back are. im not going—oh my god, i can’t deal w kids who scream during their haircuts—insane, right? stuff like this makes me rly doubt myself, too, like there are bigger gaps in my knowledge than—wow he rly jst is not tiring himself out w this screaming, huh—i feel there are. what if this actually is a coherent way to describe a haircut? maybe he rly is jst stupid, but I also think that when you write people off as “stupid” all the time, it reflects—god, why is his baby sister screaming now too? nothing is even fucking happening to her—worse on you than it does on them. it’s always the biggest idiots who are so self-satisfied to think that. but im not self-satisfied at all, im very insecure and it’s constantly apparent, but everyone is insecure abt a lot, and that doesn’t doesn’t equal intelligence. I wish I had a sounding board. and i rly wish that kid in Niya’s chair would stop crying.

x. everyone in the salon today seems like they’re in a bit of a weird mood, it’s not jst me for once. the phone is annoying me a lot more than usual today. i feel like it’s ringing every 20 minutes. niya is always very avoidant when it comes to taking haircuts, but meg is lagging today which is unusual. it was busy, too, but i keep getting shafted where tips are concerned. most of my regulars who were due to come in around this time came earlier this week, and usually they’re the ones who tip me the best. the radio station that’s on is very weird too, distractingly so—it’s gone from bowie, to panic at the disco, to nirvana, the police, florence and the machine, neil young, lord huron, rhcp, crowded house. it’s not intolerable, but i can’t seem to follow any sort of genre or time period theme and im paying more attention to figuring this out than i am what im supposed to be doing. it’s that point in the night where people generally stop coming in and I know I haven’t made very much. I’ve counted... $24. weird. are they playing “brick”? that’s a throwback.

xi. i remember my ex being rly into mystics despite not understanding them very well. i forget what he was doing w my natal chart, but he told me once that 24 would be a rly significant year for me. i asked him why and he said that’s all he could figure, there was nothing in the way of further details that he provided. i know I said something back to him abt hoping that id be married by 24—so stupid. granted, i would have been 18 or so at the time and 24 seemed very distant at the time. but that was 6 years at the time, now it’s less than 3 weeks. ive changed a lot, mentally at least, but my circumstances haven’t rly. maybe on superficial levels. yeah, i support myself financially and i have a job in a field i could realistically work in for the rest of my life if I wanted to do that. but im still jst as unsure abt what I want and what’s going to happen to me. i feel like I’m more “sought after” in a few ways, but my phone is jst as dry as it’s always been. i was hoping the move would have been good for me but im very scared abt doing it alone. and i might still do it, i jst dnt know what the timeline is going to look like and there’s no promise of me turning over a new leaf for real and finding my inspiration jst bc my scenery has changed. every time ive moved when I was younger, it jst dug me deeper into loneliness. but i was a child and it wasn’t my choice. but there’s no way for me to rationalize asking my actual lived experiences. maybe that’s the big thing that’ll happen to me at 24? or maybe instead of getting married, I’ll break a marriage up. i know that’s not going to get that far, you know, w kenny. i probably shouldn’t joke abt it, though.

xii. it looks like Evan is home from friday’s already and i rly dnt want to be around him right now. im still feeling rly hurt abt him pulling the plug on the massachusetts move without making any effort at all to sort his finances out or secure some additional income that wasn’t the precarious extra dollars he’s been getting from porn. he keeps sinking all of his money into bar tabs and impulse purchases and takeaway food. and his cars. i wish he would jst be honest w himself abt the cars already. he needs to sell the honda and be done w it before he has to replace the engine and drop another two grand on repairs. i dnt know why he never listens to me. im rly growing to dislike him, but we’re in this together whether i like it or not, and im not going to lead him astray when his financial problems are dragging me down w him. i think i am going to be a hypocrite and go out alone tonight. kenny’s bar is doing that bottle opening thing tonight, right? but i dnt rly want to be around kenny right now. but he might not be there. but i also get a weird satisfaction from being around him I’ll bet it’s going to be a madhouse there, too, and i rly hate crowded bars. but it’s something to do. maybe i will get lucky and someone will talk to me and we’ll have a decent conversation and I’ll never see them again after. why is that my ideal?

xiii. god, running out the last hour on the clock is always hell. no one ever seems to come in, so it feels like a huge waste of time, but when people do come in, i get very irritated. so I’m not sure what i actually want from my time here. i think im jst too fixated on how being stuck here until close almost every night is hurting my ability to expand myself socially. but what would i even be doing if i wasn’t here? i think i would jst be finding a way to waste time. id be sinking hours into doing nothing like I do all the time. i have a lot of time on my hands, in the grand scheme of things. i have literally no idea where it all goes. i drink a lot of it away bc i am generally too uninspired to participate in my hobbies, and i think that feeds the darkness bc they make me very happy. at least w cooking, yknow, i have to eat. i have an organic need to engage w that one. all else has been falling through the cracks, though. i dnt think ive picked my bass up in 3 weeks.

xiv. Kenny’s bar looks like it’s absolutely mobbed and I’d be upset if I went all the way out there only for me not to be able to sit down anywhere. it looks like Evan went back out. that works. i have beer at home. I’d be smarter to save the money anyway. i want to support kenny and the rest of the guys, even though I dnt have a lot of nice things to say abt him. his brewery is cool. it’s cool to have something with so much potential come out of your home town, even if i dnt entirely identify w that place as being my home town. but it’s better than saying that im from alabama, even though i feel like my childhood is more tethered to mobile. i think people would make weird assumptions abt me if I said that. people are rly unfair to what the south is actually like. i dnt know. but their growth has been nice to watch. seeing something you’ve supported since the beginning grow to the degree it has makes you feel pride even if it has nothing to do with you personally. and ive had so many good moments there, w ian, w my family, in general. i met justin there and im happy abt that, even though i dnt know what’s going on w justin. i dnt think justin knows what’s going on w justin.

xv. looking at my shelf of ian souvenirs is making me miss ian, even though we were jst together, even though we’re seeing one another again in 2 weeks. I wish I could engage w them in a more stable way. seeing them reminds me of being a teenager and breaking into the apartment i used to live in on governor’s island. and since the base went out of commission not long after we moved, i was the last person to live in that apartment. i went back into my first bedroom and the evidence that it used to belong to me was still apparent, but the floorboards had been warped and the wallpaper was very faded out. i felt weird being back, nostalgia and warmth pitted against the instinct that i wasn’t supposed to be there. i wasn’t supposed to see it—a rosy memory colliding w irrefutable proof of the passage of time. ive been very unfair to them, ian, in so many respects but it’s all very mixed and complicated. i look at this person, and i see so many years worth of history, but the familiar messy gold hair is framing a slightly different, slightly fuller face. they talk abt people i dnt know very well, stories set in a city ive spent very little time in. it’s disorienting. i feel like when im here alone, im always confronting their ghost, in places we used to go together, in things we used to talk abt doing but never did—a final hike on a trail that closed before we got the chance to go together, their name scratched in the wall of a dive bar, things they’d always point out on the side of the road, small pieces of their essence scattered across a place they are no longer a part of. i wonder what I did to deserve any preservation, too. i see this person who I truly am proud of, who i rly do think is going places, and that respect gets interpreted into feelings of inadequacy. that there’s no way someone like this can look at me and see anything other than an unstable failure. i dnt think any other person knows me more fully, for better or for worse. worse is dominant. i know it is. my intuition is always screaming at me that they hate me, that they left bc they wanted to get away from me. literally none of that makes sense. i know they dnt lie to spare my feelings, but i feel like they almost have to be. i wonder why i can’t trust that im cared for. i wonder why I can’t have an evaluation of another person that i dnt immediately relate back to myself.

xvi. it took two beers for me to realize that I haven’t eaten anything since i was in boston. i need to stop doing this shit, but im still getting my calories if im drinking them, right? i feel like it doesn’t make sense for recovery to be as difficult as it is, but my emotions have always interfered w my hunger cues, and my body is so accustomed to constantly being hungry that it’s not something i even notice that much anymore. I’ve been getting weird pins and needles feelings in what I’m assuming are my intestines as I’ve upped my intake and I’m afraid of them rupturing and me bleeding out internally when I’m home alone. such a pathetic way to die—having your own blood and bile and shit poison you. I doubt I’m on my deathbed, i think my system is jst on the slow path to returning to normal, but i wasn’t expecting physical symptoms aside from weight gain, which on its own, i could live w. my ednos was never as restrictive as it was until somewhat recently. my problem was generally concerned w binge eating and compensatory behavior, usually fasting or short periods of restriction or exercise. all punishment based. i can’t help but find it ridiculous that i ended up w an eating disorder despite never caring abt my weight. even when I was a high school freshman and overweight, i didn’t care. i think it’s because i dnt outwardly self harm anymore, and that self-destructive need has translated into other conduits. the scars this leaves are much more socially acceptable than what I was left w when I was younger and carved “dumb whore” into my thigh. i can’t believe i did something so stupid. im glad that finally isn’t visible anymore. i can’t believe that i’m almost 24 and still, to some extent, do shit like that.

xvii. i still have that vacation time that I took to look at apartments in massachusetts, and since that isn’t going to happen, i want to take a poorly planned solo vacation. i looked at places to stay in DC, in chicago, in nashville, but i left discouraged. nashville is too far, Chicago is too expensive, DC seems too dangerous. i think my perpetual anxiety prevents me from taking full advantage of my freedom. and I can be free. 24 hours ago, I was in Boston and I didn’t have to tell anyone I was doing that. I’ve navigated a strange place on my own. I lived to tell the tale, but I also wonder what the point is of stuff like this if I have no one to share it w. No one to reminisce w. it feels like a waste of money. almost nothing feels worth what I spend on it––time, money, calories, stop thinking abt calories.

xviii. i open another beer, basically on an empty stomach. i need to stop drinking like this, it’s not even negotiable anymore. i know this is a problem. i need to stop. i dnt know if I want to stop. i want to drown in bliss but I feel none. alcohol amplifies everything I feel, and when I’m feeling good, it’s generally very good, but when it’s bad, it gets very bad. i feel weird now so it’s amplifying the negatives. they do not need that. no, i dnt need that. i know this is an addiction. im scared, but not scared enough to do anything abt it.

xix. i still have Rebecca on social media despite everything. she’s moved, she’s no longer in my proximity, but i still have her on things even though I have no motivation to keep any sort of peace with her. I remember when things happened, when i was too drunk to stand up and she insisted on forcing herself on me anyway, after the fact she kept saying all this stuff to me abt how she wanted me to be her girlfriend and i jst sort of laid there and said nothing. i had nothing to say. i wasn’t processing what’s happened, i jst kept thinking “this is bad. that was bad” to myself. and then she never rly follows up, a small acknowledgment of culpability, maybe, but she’s moved in w some boyfriend now. it’s weird that people can do awful things to you and move on like nothing happened, and you have those moments stuck in your head, keeping you stunted, keeping you away from living uncorrupted, uninhibited, the way you should engage w it. i think of how demoralizing it is to have your perception shattered by a 30-something woman who still laughs at nyan cat shit. i think of how most discussions of sexual assault in the mainstream act as though only men are capable of it, as though it’s only ever happening in heterosexual contexts. i think of how everyone who bullied me in high school probably does not even remember it. i think it’s absurd to compare the two things but I dnt laugh.

xx. i want to talk to Justin but i have nothing to say. i dnt know what I should talk to him abt. i dnt know how you’re supposed to do this stuff. im comforted by the fact that, since he was w someone for 10 years, he’s rly out of the dating loop, and he have no idea what he’s doing either. but it’s a red flag, you know. I think we’re jst friendly. and I’m okay w that, I need friends. i want friends. i never see fati anymore these days. things w evan are polluted. ian is very far away. it occurred to me that i know very little abt him, aside from us getting along, but do we actually? how would I know? it’s not uncommon to have good conversations, for most people. but he knows more abt me than I do abt him. i dnt think i could name a single one of his interests if prompted. he probably couldn’t name one of mine that isn’t “drinking”. I’m not sure if I’m willfully ignorant of reality or if im jst assigning negativity to something without a lot of basis. i wonder why im incapable of living in the moment and not thinking too deeply abt what happens to me. i figured out what I’m doing w all the time on my hands.

xxi. everyone has been telling me lately that i should try to monetize my cooking and I dnt know if I believe them. i can’t imagine I’m as good at it as people say. i dnt trust it. im not even sure if it’s a passion, rly, i think my eating disorder has corrupted my relationship w food and i have to push harder to be interested in it normally, and this is how i cope. i might jst be on a kick. and if it actually is a passion, do i want to ruin it by making it into a living? i didn’t feel one way or the other abt hair when I went into it. it was a neutral activity. to grow to hate it is not a loss. i only care abt being good at it bc directly dealing w people makes my failures feel very personal when they happen. i know good food is something you can’t fake. i made ian spring rolls yesterday and they insisted I not watch them eat. i respected the request, but i needed to see the look on their face. I’m annoyed I didn’t. everything was eaten, I know they wouldn’t have done that if they hated them. but I only have my family to go off otherwise, and they would definitely lie to me. so i dnt know. i feel like support is untrustworthy. i know the people who won’t be honest w me, i dnt entirely trust praise from the people who I know who aren’t shy to say “it’s not my thing, I’m not crazy abt it”. i dnt know why i can’t accept that I’m good at anything.

xxii. there’s no reason for my scale to be out when i’m “trying” to “recover” but i will not put it away. i step on it anyway, and it looks like i’m 103lbs, fully clothed, stomach full of beer. i know it’s bad, but i get a weird amount of gratification from seeing it. it’s very hard to maintain a weight that low, so it feels like an accomplishment, even though it isn’t one. it’s been months since i had a period, and that adds to the sense of satisfaction. but it’s not good. obviously. it’s really getting in the way of me wanting to work out and actually improve my body. i’m fatigued. i’m foggy. i know the fact that i’m depriving myself is partially responsible for my terrible mood. i know i already had a heart problem, why on earth would i make that worse for myself? i’ve been having a few normal eating days, so i still won’t admit to myself that i’ve relapsed. i had a lava cake 5 days ago! there’s a quarter stick of butter in that! and an ounce of chocolate! i didn’t care, so obviously i’m doing something right. i know i’m not, entirely, but i’m staying positive. either that, or i’m extremely in denial. there’s still chocolate in the cabinet. no, of course i am not going to eat it.

xxiii. meg scheduled 6 people on tomorrow, so it looks like i’m not going to make any goddamn money again. my aunt is coming in, so i’ll get a little more from her, but the cash i take home there is so very inconsistent. i feel like the more money i save, the more i worry abt it, like i should have more by now. like i’m going to struggle forever. the stuff i’m buying now won’t matter in a few days, but that anxiety is always going to be over my head. i need a career change. i know that. i keep forgetting that pete gave me money for college, so my “i dnt want to be in debt” excuse is a lie. i keep telling people i’m considering going to college again but i know i never will bc i haven’t actually gotten any better at managing my time and being disciplined. i think i’m better at pretending i am, but i’m not. even if i seriously wanted to, i wouldn’t be motivated enough to actually take the steps required to re-enroll. it’s all too overwhelming. i feel like that feeling alone is a sign i’d fail.

xxiv. I’ve been saying this thing to myself a lot lately to self-soothe: “god’s in his heaven” and i dnt rly know what I mean by that. i dnt know if i believe in stuff like that, I dnt have any reason to believe that there’s any kind of order or force that presides over anything. is that what I’m talking abt? we’re all preoccupied w our own things, attending to our own futures, making our own peace to the best of our abilities? maybe? am i saying that we’ve all been abandoned, ignored? then why do I find it comforting? i dnt think my inner monologue makes a lot of sense, but i only ever talk to myself these days. maybe I’m talking abt myself in an idealized way, but I look back on the past 24 hours and see my good mood i woke up w descend, the 900 calories I’ve consumed today, the $24 I’ve made, the singular text thread I have w ian, the nothing I’ve done in the handful of hours I’ve been home, the three empty beer cans. i know i’m constantly in my own head, constantly picking myself apart, picking everything else apart. it accomplishes nothing. it’s useless self-flagellation. i’m constantly raking myself over the coals for shit that doesn’t matter, constantly agonizing over situations that aren’t actually that deep. i think that’s a way in which i lie to myself. i spend all day beating myself up over the inconsequential while never giving due attention to my actual flaws. even if i was, saying that i’m useless and stupid all the time still does nothing. it’s abt meaningful action, and i’m so bad at that, and i’m doing this exact thing again. i think i do it so i have something to point to, to say “i’m working on myself” when i’m jst being mean and self-righteous abt it. where has it gotten me? what do i want from it? do i think i can bully myself into change? do i rly think it will make me do anything other than resign to complacency? 24 hours, and a lot has happened, but i’ve still gotten nothing done. another will pass, and nothing will change. then enough days will pass, and i’ll notice everything is different, and i’ll still feel jst as stuck. i will be meaner to myself abt it. and that’s what i’ll do. over and over, until the end of time. Evan jst got home. he said something abt how sad i looked. he asked me what was wrong. i wish i had the guts to say any of it to anyone’s face, let alone his. it’s fine, it’s fine, i tell him, God’s in his heaven. whatever it is i actually mean by that.

#blog #literally do not feel obligated to read this. It is very VERY long #like my complete stream of consciousness from the past day #the stupid piece of shit bojack episode super extended directors cut #an essay in which i talk abt literally everything thats eating me and provide no solutions #the most disgustingly honest ive ever been on main #god's in his heaven

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ujimaarc · 5 years

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"My king looks so very tired. It makes one wonder why he is not still asleep as he should be? The sun is hours from rising, love. Return to our bed?"

Science is T’Challa’s general weapon to doggedly question truths beyond his mortal coil. Almost akin to being exposed to a child’s metaphysical imagination, one would want to try to have their wonderment quelled with comprehensible justifications. Opulent Okoume trees circled a lake that seems to have millions of crushed diamonds captured across the surface. The sky was infinitely darker than the preceding noon in the frame of a goddess over red-and-green Wakandan cotton.

The very same frame that had taken the Panther chieftain’s corporeal picture and entangled him in her statuesque dimensions. Above, the stars mapped out the physique of those that took the Great Cat mantle before him versus their usual random spread.

The cat of worship never failed at bringing a mythical challenge to her avatar, much to his chagrin. Failing at entertaining herself by making him uneasy with his understanding of her supernatural naturality is a reality she’ll embrace whenever he chooses to allow it to come.

Through the surreal mist, gold eyes belonging to a twelve foot anthropomorphic bats in the interest of the direction where her nude king sat with company. In a circle made up of a litter of sleeping panther cubs, T'Challa’s amber eyes break from their adoration for the revered creatures and to the one he honored with every breath-take and choice he made towards the betterment of his country.

Time—as she can tell—as she already knew—brought about a welcomed change in T’Challa’s demeanor. Bast is accustomed to noticing his powerful muscles tensing in discomfort and the subtle shifts his jaws do when she spontaneously arranges for them to have their little talks. In this meeting, his composition is the warm radiance of a warrior that unearthed the greatest feeling he’ll ever know ( this time, he would have no qualms with his feline pantheon whisking him off without warning—and this she knew. This is why she sought him at his most vulnerable ).

Whilst entwined in a web of worship in the form of a storm held together by a solid sensuous darkness of her champion’s sinews, Bast patiently waited to converse until the flirtatious kisses ended; until desires to tame an insatiable animalistic hunger stilled; until pillow talk with respect to their longing for this intimate reciprocity ended in amber cat-eyes and oceanic eyes consumed with one another came down into a contented slumber.

“ I am happy for you, my son.” Her tone is thick-accented, flowing strong and finer than her people’s wine. “ I have conversed with your predecessor about the affairs of his heir’s heart—Wakanda’s Queen. Your father had been impregnated with the thought that you had foolishly deprived yourself of having and more importantly keeping romantic love in his life. I trust my champion is aware that T’Chaka wasn’t alone in the belief that his son had gone mad. ” The panther’s smile gives a slight peek into a maw full of imposing fangs. A maw that gradually assumes the full pink lips to her human design of an alluring midnight black woman.

She kneels outside the cub circle and reaches over to caress her avatar’s cheek. Her palm’s warmth is comparable to how Queen Mother touched him. Her earthly musk intoxicated his senses and almost stirred him away from caring about the purpose of this unexpected meeting. Mention of his father concerns and the thought of Ororo snuggled against his form back in the real world necessitated his focus on the conversation.

“ There was a Burundian proverb that haunted my mind ever since I made the contumelious decision to break the greatest woman this world has led me to know. “Where there is love, there is no darkness.” ” Without needing to delve into the darkness that kept him engulfed ( for Bast has always known her champion’s trials and tribulations and will continue to know until his time is up and he is to join his ancestors ), he goes on to gently whisper, “ The fault lies in no one but myself for influencing that impression. Embarrassingly enough, It took me longer than it should have to make, as they say, heads-and-tails, of my feelings and what was ultimately the right course of action to take. ”

“ —And after you finally followed your heart, you’re here,” Bast perceived. “ Now that you are, a part of you is in disbelief, virtually unable to comprehend that it’s a reality that the Wind Rider has given you the privilege of having her heart once more and that you two share the same bed once again. ” She fills their surroundings with syrupy laughter then. In ways, he is not the mid-thirty-year-old king of an unconquerable land, but a boy still learning about the ways of the world around. A fault not on him, for he is a mortal dealing with extraordinary mortal hardships, but an amusing one to observe nonetheless. “ Unlike the past chieftains of the Panther clan, you’re criminally harder on yourself—more than most your enemies. ”

It’s a truth she hasn’t admitted to him yet, but But bast enjoyed watching her representative put the elephantine puzzle pieces of his life together. Each piece that connected created a powerful layer that formed around the undying legend of the Great T’Challa, for as long as this Earth is never obliterated. It was only recently that he solidified that belief when he sought reconciliation with the herald of mutant-kind and won her over again.

T’Challa paused, became reflective—of his royal status and of Ororo. They came a long way. They were going a long way. He was able to be confident in that. She made that possible. He would like to call it… Kismit.

Flashing back…

Just yesterday night, the sliver of placid pine that underlines her sultry voice enticed him to join her in a dance that commands the attention of every Wakandan in attendance. Like a curious little boy, he only wished to shy amongst the audience and bare witness to the full sight of her curves in motion. To watch the entranced faces of those in the Royal Palace admire and appreciate she who ruled their king’s heart work her art form in a way they have never seen before.

Her two identities—Kenyan and African-American—mixed with her own unnamed flavor delivered mysticism by her lonely, but she wanted to be joined—needed to be joined. By him. By the man that yearned for her to be back, by his side, as his love. She set her sights on him and merrily navigated her hypnotic rhythm his way, and pulled him to be united under the spotlight without resistance. How could he resist? Even his ancestor, Hu’Nahn The Defiant could understand his lovestruck successor’s fall.

Their smiles were pliant to each other’s preciously-powered, cosmo-imbued propinquity. The luxurious world around them was lost, the two stepped in an enchanting rhythm, with each step building up a new universe around them. Having their fingers interlocked like they were put him in a bind of childish need and discipline. She spins like a miniature tornado ( one she free willingly allows him to have control of ) and his arm around her lower-back prevents her fall from his grace. There they found their eyes lost in their respective vibrantly-hued depths like children experiencing the cliche “love at first sight”, and wealthy fits of laughter would soon follow. She complimented his reaction time, then hit him with a threat that no one else could hear: if he had missed his cue and missed catching her, he would be in for a miserable night and none, not even his Dora Milaje would be able to save his hide.

His Highness made her aware that he has indeed been catching every cue tonight and how he intends on properly responding when their space is their own.

( How can he who possesses the natural instinct of man, the uncanny senses of the panther, and the stubborn bull-like focus miss any of Storm’s venereal transmitted signals? From the blatant flirting to the way she talks to him in codes in front of others, the few chances she stole to whisper when others were out of earshot, and the little signs of impatience she showed, wanting the night to reach its end. )

Twenty minutes later T’Challa delivered a timeline of messy garbs ( some that’ll need to be rethreaded, others pulled off as gentlemanly and womanly possible under carnal influences ) reverential touches and kisses, and the unplanned one-on-one session taking place currently in the spirit plane.

“ I’m merely a king and a man that’s mused by all the blessings his love has given him. ” He finally said, commitment clear in his voice. “ I am the opposite of afraid: with an inquisitive mind, I can’t help but wonder about the channels that I can take to keep things the way they are going—I am purely enthusiastic about our new journey. ”

All of what he says please Bast. It is good to hear him speak confidently again and understanding that’s retreating his brooding phase. This was quality that will keep her fed—for now. “ Very well. You present no reason for me to doubt your words, my Black Panther. It is her first day back and the reception on her return has gone exceedingly well. After all that you two have done for the world, you both deserve to have your own semblance of happiness.” Her visage became faint in an expanding mist, along with her voice as if was quickly retreating into another plane that’s making it impossible for him to be near. “ May you and Wakanda’s future Queen prosper for a long to come. We will have a chat again. Your woman is awake. ”

When T’Challa opens his eyes, he finds himself in a position that he wasn’t in prior ( as previously mentioned, he was in Ororo’s arms. Plane-walking? ): he was standing in front of his window, posture struck militantly, with his hands cuffed just above his tailbone. A sweet, husky voice broke his amber-hues from their attention on the moon and the stars above to the dark-skin beaut regarding him in confusion from behind him in his—their—bed. His conversation with Bast is pushed at the back of his mind, as he saunters over to their bedside. “ Apologies, my love. ” Our king sat down on the edge, reached over to have his thumb stroke her defined cheekbone, and touched her full lips affectionately “ I have been thinking about giving you a personal taste of home for breakfast: for starters, how does Mandazi sound to you? Coconut milk, cardamom, and coconut are the main ingredients for that, correct? ”

@fierceststorm

#fierceststorm #tchalla x ororo #[ longest post this blog will probably ever have ]#[ dis took MONTHS - tchalla so hard v-v ]

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woozi · 3 years

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hfdjdjdksk thank you all credit goes to me bc i gave myself a name on my own ( for my internet persona 💀 i don't like telling my real name so jssjsj) was too obsessed w/ rm's moonchild back then so wanted dn for my twt idk how but i came up with cherie moonchild ( i don't like the word ' dear ' bc that's what guys use here the most, to slide into dm lmaooo ' hi dear, happy birthday dear' 💀 ) mini tmi hehe.

alao i forgot to ask last time but do you the youtube channel form of therapy? i really enjoy watching his svt reactions, always make me notice and appreciate details more i loved his rwy reaction.

yes i hope both of them are taking care of their health, hao has been on airports so much??? ( it was little funny but like he must get tired hope him and jun are resting as well too, i'm very happy to see the updates of the stuff they're doing there. i'd love to see the actual content too but i have no access nor the energy <//3

i literally can't choose just one title track noooo 😭, maybe between home/dwc these are my kind of songs completely.

yessss it does make sense! naur </3 i should've kept the junhao reaction part a secret then :3

put two and two together...... what's two minus one? jddjkdkdkdledjdj any kind of maths will keep reminding me of this from now

cheol voice : we're too old for this 😭 wanna find the person made youth believe in ' 20s are your best years ' and beat him tbh djjdkskssk ( sorry for bringing in violence in today's tea party bestie </3 :3 )

same to you <333 ( seungkwan who? from now on you hold ' babu ' endearment title ) also dino got seungkwan so good in today's gose ep 😭😭😭 it was so fun i love love love insomnia ep ( it's literally 4 a.m rn, maybe i love insomnia itself as well help djjdkd) im so happy they brought it back i was wishing for cheol to participate since he gets whiny easily djjddk i love it :3 ( also booo for joshua / jeonghan winning and going home early i wanted them to stay till end ) let me how was your experience watching gose also how was your week? sending you a big hug and sexy week vibes mwah <3

OHHH I THOUGHT CHERIE WAS UR REAL NAME!! still v sexie nonetheless <3 sexier even bc u chose it for urself <3

ALSO YEAH OH MY GOD JKFJKDFKJFJD also dear is kinda granny-ish to me for some reason lol <3

and NOOO OMG WHAT IS THAT 👀👀👀 is this the producer (?) guy?? i have been seeing a lot of rxn vid snippets of rwy on tiktok dfjfdjkfd

I KNOW?????????// like, we know what jun's been up to but we also just see hao at the airport without knowing what it is for 👁👄👁 boy's gonna give 8stars a heartattack, lol. and yeah, i get that </3 keeping up with the svteenies is SOOO hard

AGAIN....... UR TASTE <3 giving u 500 kisses for dwc/home <3

NOOOOO DFJKJDKFKJDF i really dont mind i forget things like, 15 mins after people tell me things anyway lol 😭😭😭

the way i can hear "what's 2 minus 1" in my head is so-

ALSO EXACTLY OH MY GOD????????????/ who said this is the fucking peak of my life 😭😭😭😭😭 i feel like a beached whale wtf also don't be sorry omg i love hearing ur thoughts <3 also love it when people start unleashing their inner hater teehee <3

NAURRRRRRRRRRRR every time u call him babu </3 it is SO cute to me </3 AND YES OMG, i didn't realize how good the insomnia series is until last week FDJKDFJJDKF hope he does not get bullied today <3 the only thing they can call him out on is his sugar daddy tendencies anyway FDKJDFJKFD AND I KNOW OH MY GOD 😐 jeonghan just always wins in life for no good reason i want to witness his downfall actually (affectionate). I LOOOOOOVED LAST WEEKS GOSE <3 one of the funniest goses this year for me tbh! i'm excited for this weeks ep <3 <3 <3

AND AWWWWWW THANK U 🥺🥺🥺🥺 i needed that bc i just finished a week of exams and have one more scheduled a few mins from now JKDFJKDJKF i hope u also have a v healing and sexie sexie week as well <3 <3 <3 MWAH

#cherie 🪂#s-cxups #y.ask #long post

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incorrect-ego-quotes · 7 years

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It's December 1st. Whose screaming Christmas carols, whose baking Christmas treats, whose decorating, who doesn't care, whose putting up mistletoe everywhere, whose shopping for presents every second, who forgot presents, who purposely didn't get presents and whose constantly asking for a puppy? (Sorry this so long, I just kept getting ideas!)

IM SORRY THIS IS DAYS LATE BUT I L O V E CHRISTMAS I HAVE TO DO THIS ONE. ALSO FORGIVE ME THIS IS /LONG AS FUCK/--the ipliersthe jim twins are as excited as, well, a kid on christmas morning. wearing santa hats, candy canes in their mouths, they even decorated their mic in red and green ribbon. the two practically shrieking out christmas songs -- much to everyone's annoyance "CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE--""jesus christ," dark snaps, "can you two knock it off?! it's only the first--""WOULD YOU LIKE A MORE MODERN SONG OF JOY." jim twin #1 asks, holding up a worn book of christmas carols -- the same one they've had since they were 4. passed on from dear old Mother Jim."no! this season is so grossly happy and joyful -- leave me to work--""I, DONT WANT A LOT FOR CHRISTMAS." jim twin #2 starts off as dark covers his ears. why did they have to be the loudest egos? why cant they see how shitty of a holiday christmas is?!"THERE IS JUST ONE THING I NEED, DONT CARE ABOUT--"dark gets an idea and smirks. knowing one way he can get them to leave him alone. "santa isn't real."the two twins share an offended and angry look, mouths open, did he just?!"christmas was a pagan festival of gifts before being appropriated by romans based on the Odin myth."the jim twins cringe, holding their dear caroling book closer -- he...he has to be lying!"who is the god of war and death."the jim twins turn away offended as all hell. jim twin #1 throwing a candy cane in dark's face and hissing. "SHUN THE NONBELIEVER, JIM.""SHUN."they then run off to go do whatever christmas activity next -- dark hoping they won't take this caroling /publicly/.******ed edgar and silver shepherd are cooking in the kitchen. ed is a surprisingly good cook -- especially around the holidays. just ask anyone who's been to his thanksgiving or christmas dinners. silver only tagged along because he was tired of dark being a joy sucker out of the season."now," ed chuckles, "we're gon' need about a store's worth of flour.""...what?! wh--ed, why do we need a store's worth.""uh, /excuse you, youngin'/," ed points at his pink and white apron. almost annoyed, "this apron calls me chef in charge 'round here. you follow, don't question.""ed. first of all, that's wilford's apron. second of all, we probably only need one bag at most for gingerbread cookies. why would we need a--""listen. i'm only making one gingerbread man fo' everybody 'round here -- i take home the rest.""how...much exactly is the rest?""350."silver shepherd sighs, taking off his mask and gloves. ed still smiling away as if his idea was normal. well, no arguing with a stubborn man like ed. he grabs his car keys from the table as ed follows him, "your limit is 50 dollars for the ingredients." he mumbles. "i knew you'd come 'round!" ed wraps an arm around silver, "we're gon' have so much fun with these lil old cookies! i even have a homemade sugar icing recipe! i'll even make a lil cape fo' yours!" he silently doubted it but hey, its a hell of a lot better than spending his free time with an angry and annoyed dark. ******bim tugged the host along, holding onto the sleeve of his trenchcoat gently as he lead him into the meeting room. the tall green christmas tree standing proudly in the corner. decorations of red and green and gold littered the meeting room's table. the smell of pine hits the host before anything -- taking him back to his own cabin in the woods long ago. the trees covering him away from the world as he...the host shook his head. he hated those memories. he hated those dark times. he hated it all."wilford put us in charge of the tree this year," bim smiled to himself, "i know its a challenge with erm...""i'm blind?""yeah, that." bim sighs, grabbing the box of lights and unrolling them gently, handing the ball to the host, who held it with a strange look on his face."w-what's poking me?""lights, silly!" bim giggles. the sound making the host blush and laugh along. any time bim was happy, he was happy. "now, i'm gonna loop around the tree. you just follow along, yeah? tell me if ya get dizzy and we can slow down.""the host nods, holding the bundle of lights close to his chest. ready for the decorations -- reminding him of his most favorite time of year."bim shakes his head and laughs, "you can't ever turn that off, can you?""the host cannot."the two start off steady and slow. the host following bim's footsteps. he could hear the jim twins playing 'i'll be home for christmas' in the next room over -- their office space. "those two can never get tired of christmas, i swear.""the host reminds bim that it's worse for him since his own office is right next door to the twins."bim giggles, "well, hope ya like christmas as much as them." it's when bim giggles does the host wish he had his sight back. what'd he give to see his smile (although, according to dark, it looks like his -- he doubt it. bim was handsome, charming, while his smile held back pain he swallowed down.)in those small moments of thinking and wishing, the host stays in place. the lights tangling as bim gets wrapped up with the host, groaning as the tree falls gently against them. the two tied chest to chest, bim's hands resting on the host's hips. "um..." bim laughs nervously, blushing away, "hostie, bud, we're tangled.""i...is that you against me?""yeah...i'll -- i'll get us out!!"the music drowns out bim's struggles as he pulls at the lights. the host's thoughts screaming at him -- tell him!! now's your chance!! confess!!"i love...i love--""hmm?" bim perks up, "sorry, wasn't listening, what do you love?""t...this song!! i, i love it, it's my favorite christmas song."he stops and hears bim laugh again, humming along, "its a good song."the host goes along with the lie, singing along as bim rests his head on the host's shoulder to get around to the lights behind him. "if only in my dreams."yeah, only in his dreams -- bim had matthias, what did he have? nothing but his dreams of what could be with the two of them. at least, for a moment, he had the courage to change that. maybe that's what he'll ask for this year; courage. ******dark crossed his arms and continued to work in his office. he could smell cookies baking, he could hear christmas songs being sung, and he could see holly being hung in the halls. how stupid -- the other egos should be /working!/ do they think they can take over mark's channel with all this fooling around?! he slams the laptop he'd been using shut and stares out his window. even the fuckin' /city/ was covered in red and green, fake reindeer and sleighs all around, snowmen (who bought fake snow to LA?!) waving in the cold breeze. he face palms himself. a headache coming on. he hated winter, he hated christmas, he hated everything about the holidays.it...brought back memories he didn't want to dwell on. memories of christmas morning...in a mansion of some sort. fuzzy memories of a woman, a man, and that damned mark -- all enjoying...hot chocolate with marshmallows. opening gifts like.../a family/."heeeeey darkidoo," wilford bursts into his office. the jim twins still throwing (sharpened to a point) candy canes at dark's door. "what do you want, wil?""geez," he shuts the door, dark's back turned towards him, "what's up with the jims? ya do something?""other than not engaging them in their childish behavior -- not, i did nothing." he sighs, "did you finish the weekly schedule for this month's programming on Markiplier TV?""gimmie another day--""damnit, wil! stop -- just stop! stop with this foolish nonsense, this holly jolly bullshit! i hate this season and i hate the way it makes everyone--" he stops as he hears wilford set down something on his desk and wrap an arm behind him. hugging him. "dark," he sighs, "just...take it easy, okay? it's december -- at least be happy the year's almost over, and be happy you still got us. hell, be happy some egos are working like doc and google." he smiles, "just...be happy we're all still here to celebrate the season. and nobody's gone."there's silence as dark hangs his head low. "i'll leave you alone for a while. i gotta confiscate the candy canes from the jims. i'll see you at home, dark."he squeezes around dark once more and moves to leave, stopping before he opens the door, "oh! i...i found that while looking for the christmas tree in the storage back home. i...i have a feeling it's yours. broke it in for ya!" he laughs as he leaves. dark turns around to see a black mug with a cursive 'D' on it. an intense emotion of...nostalgia rushing over him despite not remembering the mug. he stares out the window again as he holds the hot mug to him. he looks down to see hot chocolate and marshmallows. he smiles and sips the hot drink. this season isn't so bad after all with people like wilford in his life.--the septiceyesthis...was going to be the best surprise, marvin thought to himself. thanks to a new trick he'd learned -- he successfully figured out how to move the mistletoe to wherever he wanted, as if he had hung them everywhere. he was sure it'd be a laugh to see everyone's reactions. making anti kiss the pizza delivery guy, making dr. schneeplestein kiss whatever old patient he was seeing, maybe making robbie kiss his reflection. it'd be hilarious nonetheless. marvin, the marvelous magician, shall wow and dazzle his fellow egos!!he hid behind the couch in the lobby of their headquarters, where they hold their meetings, and waited.and waitedand waited/and waited/.growing tired as nobody walked by, had they found out about his plan? did nobody just need to come this way?he saw jackieboy man walk by and perked up, using his wand to move the mistletoe closer under him, rushing out the door to call him back as he left."j-jackie!! hey...oh shit," he looked up as he noticed he was directly under the mistletoe.jackieboy raised an eyebrow before looking up. "aha, you want to meet me here?" he smirks, catching marvin's chin in his fingers, flipping down his mask and red hoodie, soft green hair cascading down his face. a blush crossing marvin's cheek."just us two? alone here, the christmas decorations and lights lighting up your face so softly...""um, i mean--""here? under..." jackieboy looks up. suggestive. marvin not knowing if it was humanly possible to blush anymore."jackie...""THE MISTLEFOE?!""wha--" he ducked as jackieboy tackled him, wrestling him to the floor as chase and anti walked by. anti shouting as chase winced."get the magic nerd!! get the magic nerd!!" anti shouts"THE HELL IS A MISTLEFOE?!" marvin yells as he taps out with his wand from jackieboy man's headlock. ripping away his cat mask."pssh, the mistlefoe!! put two people under that," jackieboy points to the mistletoe, "and have 'em duke it out, fight and stuff. you dont know about the best winter tradition?""erm...its actually meant for the two to--" chase is cut off as marvin uses his wand to seal his lips shut, chase giving him the middle finger and pointing to his lips.marvin used his magic to burn the magic mistletoe attached to the doorframe. cringing as jackieboy man helped him up. helping him walk to dr. schneep's office"better luck next year, magic boy!!""....i hate working here," marvin coughs as he waits for the doctor. this, was going to be a very long winter. ******the doctor clocks out early, waving goodbye to the other egos....at 10 am, after working for 45 minutes."dude, ya can't just up and leave!! we need help with decorating!! and baking the cookies!!" jackieman boy yells as chase nearly stumbles carrying in the tree. "i must!!" the doctor yells, "chase, you are in charge until i get back at...well, just know you're all working late tonight!"chase gives a thumbs up, pointing at anti as he walks by, already directing them all.the drive to the mall isn't too long, he runs towards the opening, still in his doctor uniform. this time of year was perfect for his giving heart. already having a mile long list of gift ideas for every one of the egos in his pocket, his credit card with his savings from all his paychecks since last year loaded onto it -- no price limit for anyone!! and he finally healed from his injuries after black friday and cyber monday!! (hey, those internet shoppers are no joke)he practically skips into the mall with glee at the decorations. giant christmas gift boxes, fake snow, even a 'winter wonderland' with a fake santa -- wait...was that his patient bobby dressed up? bobby with the bad smoking habit?"i hope he cleaned up for the kiddies," schneep says to himself as he rushes into the first store -- a new camera for chase on the top of his list!!he gets everyone everything -- new knife collection for anti!! a new tux for marvin!! every single marvel movie for jackieboy man!! stuffed animals and candy for robbie!! a top hat for dapper jack!!and that's just for the first day of december, he plans to do this all until christmas eve, already having different wrapping for each ego's gift. until he sees it. his own personal wish. the 35 book set of medical mysteries -- all in order, and all for him.until another hand touches the set too. dr. iplier staring at him from the other side of the shelf. downright glaring. "henrik.""edward."the two stare back in spite -- no, schneep /needed this/. he worked too damn long this year to be bested by some quack doctor ego."aha," schneep laughs, obviously fake, "what are you doing here?""shopping for christmas. i was just looking at this book set i wanted for myself."fuck. schneep tugs on the set. dr. iplier's hand not going away. "oh, really?" he smiles coldly, "so. was. i."dr. iplier tugs, schneep tugs, the two turning into a tug of war before schneep pulls him against the wooden shelf in the bookstore, yelling as they fight it out. the early morning shoppers crowding around them, recording as schneep hold dr. iplier in a headlock. "THOSE BOOKS ARE MINE, YOU PRICK.""OVER MY DEAD BODY, QUACK.""OH THAT CAN BE ARRANGED, BITCH.""TRY ME, YOU ASSHOLE."schneep pulls out the scalpel he keeps in his pocket. the two fighting more, knocking displays over and taking it outside to the winter wonderland exhibit. children running and screaming as they crash into santa's sleigh. finally -- they're broken apart by santa (bobby). schneep grabbing his items from the bookstore and rushing out the mall. not wanting to deal with police or security. wiping away tears as he drives back. thankfully -- good old smoking santa (bobby), his faithful patient, was head of security at the mall. "its christmas," he later told schneep on the phone (and dr. iplier), "just...stay outta the mall for a good two days and i'll pretend not a single thing happened"schneep wiped away tears as he layer learned -- hey, the bookstore had tons of copies of the book set they were fighting over, that was just a display!he, however blushes as chase, anti, and robbie crowd around chase's phone. the video from his fight going viral online. "doc!! you're trending under #ThoseBooksAreMine!! that's awesome as hell, you'll be a meme!!" chase praises. schneep shakes his head. nursing the black eye he has. he knows it'll be worth it when he sees their laughing and happy faces on christmas day.because he knows damn well, marvin would forget presents and anti would die before he got presents for anyone else.******"a puppy!!" chase smiles as he walks into their ego headquarters with anti. heavy coats and scarves on. a smaller dog being walked by a young boy trotting on. "ew." anti drinks the starbucks chase bought him, "dogs are gross--"chase gasps, "i...am offended on behalf of all dogs, dude!!" "what? its a dirty animal that tracks mud and barely listens.""sure you're not describing yourself, dude?" chase jokes as anti rolls his eyes. "how could you want a little disgusting creature like that?""they're cute, they're playful, they cuddle up to ya when its cold, they bark!!" chase goes on and on, sitting down in the meeting room as they wait for the others, "they keep ya company, they nip at ya when they're hungry, they...they love you unconditionally...they...won't be taken away from ya," he stops, sniffling. tears forming in his eyes, memories of christmases long gone hitting him. seeing his son and daughter excitedly wake up him and stacey to open gifts. going ice skating. baking cookies.shit."...chase?"chase shakes his head and wipes a tear, "sorry, bro. i...i'm just caught up in my feelings. this time of year and, missing my kids."anti looks down into his coffee cup. damn, chase has been through a lot. he's the only ego who keeps it together -- not like him who just...glitches out at emotions. "...it's fine." anti grumbles under his scarf, "i'm sure this christmas will be...okay.""really?" "...yeah, really. even with that stacey keeping the kids, this christmas will be worthwhile. i mean, we got...decorating and shit to do today. that'll take your mind off it, right?""y-yeah, and the kids are suppose to call after school...and, and stacey's letting me come to their christmas play!! you're right, for once, anti!!" chase smiles and hugs him, anti awkwardly patting back. "okay...hug's been too long, don't push it chase.""sorry."...everyone had called chase a dumbass to give a copy of his apartment keys to anti. everyone had doubted anti would show any spirit in the season. everyone had doubted chase would get anything he really wanted for christmas, even schneeplestein.anti snuck into chase's apartment that christmas eve. chase down for the night in his bedroom. a small 4 foot christmas tree decorated in lights and ordainments in the corner of his living room. a letter from his kids (that anti skimmed through) on the table. "let's prove all those dicks back at hq wrong," he whispers to the bundle in his arms. setting it under the tree. it'd been absolute hell to get anyone to allow him to take home chase's gift. grunting as he sat on the couch and nodded off into sleep. the dalmatian puppy slept too, a red collar around it's neck, tail wagging in its sleep as it was thankful for anti for getting him out of the cold shelter. excited to meet his new master in the cold christmas morning.

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ellygoesnyooom · 7 years

Note

Could you do a headcanon for the RFA/V/Saeran for when MC comes and lives with them and maybe it's, like, their first night togheter (hehehe >:3c) Thank you ^^ Im really looking forward to all of your HC's!!

Ireally liked writing this one! I don’t do NSFW, so I just described their first nightsleeping in the same bed while living together. I hope you don’t mind, I’m justnot comfortable writing it yet. I may change that in the future, but fornow, no NSFW. I also hope that my future writing lives up to yourexpectations;;; Nonetheless, here you go! Enjoy~

Edit: I did a whoops and forgot V, so you can find him here!

Yoosung

Oh man is this boy nervous

He can barely take good care of himself, and now you arecoming to live with him???

He is very helpful while you are bringing boxes of yourbelongings in, careful not to drop them and to set them where you want them togo

He also is very careful while helping you unpack, hedoesn’t want to break anything and make you upset

He seems to forget that you are moving in until you comeout in your pajamas with a toothbrush in your mouth asking where his washragsare

H E I S F R E A K I N G O U T

“Yoosung, is something wrong? I just asked for awashrag…” “Yeah, I-I’m good, uhhhh” he doesn’t even remember where his washragsare oh lord

“U-underneath the sink, yeah!” yay he remembered

Once you two go to bed, he is stiff as a board on theedge of the bed, trying to give you enough space

You physically have to drag him over to you and wrap hisarms around you to get him to loosen up

When you wake up though, he is gripping you, both handsand legs around your body

Yoosung pls MC needs to pee

Once he wakes up, he acts like you have been living therethe whole time, even going to make you breakfast aaawwwww give this boy somelove okay

Zen

He is super careful not to let the beast out on you

He has to be a gentleman; it’s your first night livingwith him

Totally shows off his strength while bringing in yourboxes zen stop

You two spend the day unpacking, and by the time nightrolls around, he’s pretty much forgotten that you are coming to stay

“Zen, I’m getting tired.” “Oh, I can’t keep a lady fromher beauty sleep! I’ll let you get going home.” “Uh…. I am home?” “…oh yeah”

While you go and get ready for bed, he is trying to chilland figure out where to sleep

When you walk out in your pajamas, he is just like O.O

Control the beast zen lol

“You can sleep in the bed, I’ll take the couch.” “Zen, youdon’t need to do that. We are dating!” “But… what if the beast comes out?”“What if I want it to come out?” MC don’t do this to him

When you finally get him to go to bed with you, likeYoosung, he is stiff as a board

Not even you curling up into his side calms this man down

When you fall asleep, he just looks down at you sleeping,head on his chest, and it all hits him

You were his, you weren’t going anywhere. Even if thebeast did come out, that wouldn’t stop you from staying beside him, because youchose to come live with him

This realization calms him down, and he is finally ableto gently reposition you so that he is lying down with you circled in his armsand fall asleep

Little known fact about him, though: he is h o t

Like, you wake up in the middle of the night drenched insweat and need to pry yourself out from his arms lol

Jaehee

She is very considerate of you, making sure you arecomfortable in her home

She doesn’t want you to be uncomfortable, or feel like youdon’t belong there

Helps you bring in your boxes and lets you set up yourbelongings like you want to

When you are done unpacking and settling in, you both sitdown on the couch, curled under a blanket, and watch some of Zen’s musicals

She starts to get sleepy before you, and you could seeher nodding off

When you suggested you two went to bed, she insisted onwatching the rest of the musical

Five minutes later, her head is on your shoulder andlittle snores are escaping her parted lips

AWWWWWW

You didn’t want to move her, and eventually you fellasleep too

She wasn’t there when you woke up, but you found her inthe kitchen making coffee for you and her

“I’m sorry for falling asleep on you last night, MC, Ishould have-“ “No.” You aren’t having any of that

You go over and wrap your arms around her, and she sighs,leaning into you. “I’m happy you are here, MC.”

You smile and press a kiss to her cheek. “Me too.”

Jumin

Okay, this man needs everything perfect

He won’t let you lift a finger, instead having his guardsbring up the boxes

You two just sit and watch something you want to watch onthe tv while drinking a glass of wine ofc

Once all the boxes are in, he allows you to start puttingyour belongings where you want

He helps, and asks questions about all of your prizedpossessions, wanting to know what they represented and why they were so special

He just wants to know everything about you okay

You two end up on his bed, your favorite possession inyour hands as you leaned against Jumin and told him stories about yourchildhood

You slowly nodd off, your words coming slower and sloweruntil you completely relax against him and fall asleep

He just watched you, memorizing every detail of yoursleeping face

He never felt more in love with you than in that moment,and he didn’t know how to handle this surge of emotion

So he took the little item out of your hands, set it tothe side, and slowly lifted you up slightly to put you under the covers, andslid in next to you, wrapping his arms around your sleeping form

He was still dressed, but you had changed into yourpajamas earlier in the night, so he wasn’t worried and fell asleep holding you

When you woke up, you were alone except for Elizabeth,who was curled up by your head and purring

You went into the kitchen to see him standing in front ofthe stove, a spatula in his hand and apron covering his front

“Good morning, my love. You must be hungry; the pancakeswill be done soon” JUMIN AAA

This man loves you so much okay give him all the love

Seven/Saeyoung

HE! IS! SO! EXCITED!

While you are unpacking, he asks questions abouteverything you pull out that is not clothing unless it is lingerie or anonesie lol

He wants to try on all of your clothing seven please no

Instead of unpacking and putting everything in its new home,you two end up playing with the various objects you brought

Saeran is pretty much hiding in his room for the wholeday, he wants nothing to do with you two

By the time it reaches midnight, you have unpacked lessthan half of your boxes dangit seven

He wasn’t tired, as his body was still trying to returnto a regular sleep schedule, but you were, so you changed into your pajamas andcrawled into his bed

And he is just sitting there nosebleeding because youlook so cute in his bed???

He changes as well and slides under the covers besideyou, but he is still awake long after you fell asleep

He is just sitting there, thinking up a storm ofworrisome thoughts.

What if you aren’t happy here? What if you are doing thisjust to make him happy? What if you decide you aren’t happy with him and leave?What if, what if, what if?

You woke up around 4am to him shaking and crying besideyou, and you quickly sit up and wrap your arms around him, holding him to yourchest and running your hands through his hair soothingly as he tells you all ofhis worries and fears

You wait until he calms down and stops shaking before youassure him you aren’t leaving, that you are happy and love him

Once he hears this, he is able to stop crying and laydown wrapped in your arms and fall asleep

When he wakes up, you are still in bed, an arm around himwhile you played on your phone

He decided then, as he sat up and pressed kisses to theside of your face, that he is the happiest man on earth, as long as he had youbeside him

Saeran

This was a big step for him, and to say he was nervouswas an understatement

It took a long time for him to open up to you and becomfortable doing couple things such as cuddling, holding hands, kissing

So asking you to move in was h u g e

The whole time you were bringing boxes in with Saeyoung,he was sitting in his room shaking, close to a panic attack

You realized he wasn’t around and had Saeyoung bring therest of the boxes in so you could go find him

You knocked on his door, and he snapped at you, mostlikely assuming you were his brother

“Saeran, honey, it’s me. Can I come in?” Silence, thenfinally the doorknob twisted and the door opened enough to let you in

He shut it quickly behind you, not showing his face, andretreated to his bed, knees drawn to chest and forehead onknees

You quickly went over and sat by him, asking if you couldhug him

When he didn’t immediately say no, you scooted up to himand slipped your arms around him. He leaned against you, and you two just satin silence, until finally, he started to speak.

“MC, I’m afraid. What..what if I hurt you? What if youdecide you don’t like me, and leave? I’m fucked up; I don’t know why you stillwant to be with me. My idiot brother is probably-“ you didn’t let him finishthat statement

“Saeran, please look at me.” When he didn’t lift his head, you gently forced his head up to look at you. His eyes werepuffy and red, cheeks streaked with tears o w my heart

“I won’t be leaving you, okay? I went into thisrelationship knowing that you are broken, so don’t worry. And don’t you daresay anything about your brother being better for me, because you are the one Ilove, and want to care for, okay? Let’s just try to be happy that this ishappening, okay?”

This seemed to calm him, and he nodded, relaxing a littlebit

You left him to calm down and started to unpack,and a little while later, he came out and silently kneeled down beside you,asking what he could do to help

Up until that point, you and Saeyoung had been workingtogether to unpack your things, but now that Saeran came out, Saeyoung left youtwo to work together

You two worked on setting your belongings up in their newhomes, and finally retreated to his room around 10pm

He wasn’t sold on sleeping together, but you insisted, sohe tried it

You didn’t cuddle with him, instead sticking to the edgeof your side of the bed and allowed him to choose what he wanted to do

When you woke up though, you were towards the middle ofthe bed, and he had his arm draped over you and head against your side as heslept

When he woke up, he didn’t immediately move, insteadmurmuring a little ‘good morning’ and tightening his arm around you with alittle yawn

After that first night, he seemed much more comfortablewith the thought of living with you, and everything from then on went muchsmoother

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hongism · 3 years

Note

caly!!!! very exciting news pal! i get my first dose of the covid vaccine saturday since i’m now considered an essential worker!! i’m so relieved since i work around people all day and live at home with my mom and stepdad who are at higher risk. how are you today? i hope your week has been going good so far and that the rest of the week is great as well! -🌻

omg that is WONDERFUL news!!! i’m so happy for u yay yes get that vaccine 🥳🥳🥳 i got mine recently and it was such a relief since i also live in a high risk household and it’s !!! wonderful to have that layer of security and safety so i’m thrilled for u to be getting it!!! my week is GOING v busy v busy im v tired so i’ll be headed off to bed soon but i have a bit more that i wanna work on then i’m gonna wake up early too yay </3 productive </3 at the cost of my sleep </3 heh but it’s been a good week nonetheless!!!

#🌻 anon #anon #asks

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lumen-tellus · 6 years

Text

(shrugs v loudly. im on a bus riporoos)

"Okay, my turn to spin the bottle!"

"May," your sister starts, exasperation and boring no-nonsense mode getting in your way again, "For the last time, we aren't playing any games of spin the bottle here!"

"Well, that's only because you're being a big dumb dummy."

You stick your tongue out at her for good measure. Angelica responds with silence and lips pursed into a small, flat line. Truly, there's nothing like sibling telepathy and its refined ability to convey a solid are you kidding me.

Just out of sight but certainly not completely out of sight, you see the unnecessary guest of honor shift a bit, recrossing his legs. You take a bet that he's either bored or faintly charmed, and upon turning to the other side of the room, you've more or less guessed right - the corner of his lips has quirked up a bit as he regards the two of you. At your sudden observing, he blinks, the little quirk turning into a full-fledged smile, to which you politely smile back and make sure to kick your foot into his mouth.

Not literally, of course! But you wouldn't mind if it came to that. Fae-shmay, he's still your guest, and even if that doesn't erase the fact that he's a force of nature incarnate, you aren't going to back down on anything that matters.

---so! "Hey, Mister Al-ly that isn't an Ally! Play spin the bottles with me!"

Angelica looks immediately flabbergasted. "May! What are you---"

"We should play~!" You singsong, deliberately off-tune and loud. "Before the moon comesssss out! Before I call for---!"

Your sister hastily clamps a hand over your mouth, just before a few heavy knocks echo on the door from outside. Not hard to figure out who it is when only one other person isn't accounted for in this room - or in this entire apartment, really. The voice speaks, quizzical and stern, "What’s going on in there? You two have school tomorrow."

"S-Sorry, Mama, we'll go to sleep soon!" Angelica puts on her best good kid act as she quietly struggles to keep you from yelling about illegal midnight sleepovers. "Mei's just being really chatty right now."

You manage to tear the hand off your mouth for a few seconds. "Sis won't play spin the bottles with me!"

There isn't a real response for a moment, though you could swear you heard your mother mutter a muffled 'oh, good god' behind the door. It wouldn't be far-fetched really, considering plenty of things. Nonetheless, your sister's reputation as the perfect filial daughter is much more trustworthy than your mother's own sense of caution or curiosity or awareness, because you receive a tired response along the lines of, "Child, please go to sleep. Don't bother your sister so much now, okay?"

There's a blistering mess of things you could spit back at that, but your sister unfortunately keeps you muffled as a shuffle of footsteps fade away. Once you hear the sound of the master bedroom being closed, Angelica releases you from your torturous silence with an extra annoyed pout on your part.

"I hate you," flies right out of your mouth.

"Don't be such a little shit then," comes the equally quick response.

You huff irritably at that, and start to nudge your heel into the other's thigh with some force. "Get off the floor and go back to your bed. I don't wanna play spin the bottle with you anymore."

"Okay, first off, Al here is taking my bed. Second, I told you already that we aren't playing anything!”

"Yeah yeah, fine fine fine." Ocean waves lap around your words, rustling and bitter. You lie down, arms crossed behind your head - on your right, from above, you see the fairy tilting his head to peer down at the both of you, something of a comment tucked away behind an expression you can't be sure of. (Maybe discomfort. Or even concern, but it wouldn't be for you, and you highly disapprove the idea of it being aimed at your sister in any form.) "I'll go to sleep, happy now?"

Angelica just sighs. "Finally." She gathers the crumpled layers of blankets around her as she crawls up into your bed. Originally, she had volunteered to sleep on the small floor space between her bed and your bed, but you had nicely objected and threw down your pillows and quilts as a weird makeshift cocoon pile before anyone could stop you. After all, who knows what could happen in the night with Mister Apple Fairy around as an unexpected guest? Maybe real monsters could come crawling out from the dark spaces underneath the bed frames. Maybe your sister could catch a weird disease while being nearer to Alastor. Who bloody hell knew what they have yet to know, ultimately?

Not you. So you're going to be the most loving, protective, paranoid little sister in the world and maybe become a martyr overnight. Maybe. You'd rather not, it's unpleasant.

“...Going to sleep seems to be quite the ordeal.” Mister Fairy says, randomly and musingly, as Angelica takes her leisurely time draping her blankets properly on the bed. You refrain from making any impulsive hissing noises; you’d only get berated for it, probably.

“It’s not supposed to be this weird,” your sister replies, matter-of-fact. You roll your eyes and frown. “May’s just being a dumbass.”

“Because there’s someone who definitely shouldn’t be here, and I don’t like it right now.”

You hear a familiar bunch of grumbles, too-soft for you to pick up, but it’s easy to assume she’s doing a quick round of cussing. Judging from the half-muffled chuckle you hear slipping past from the fairy’s side of the room, you should probably start considering a career as a gambler, if the streak continues.

The room fills with a quaint quiet, littered with shifting sheets and slightly creaking beds, as everyone prepares to tuck in for the night. Angelica leans over to your bedside lamp, pausing to look down and frown at your own frowning. “---Can you at least try to tolerate him? He’s only going to be around till he gets better, and that’’s, what, a couple of days, maximum?”

“I knoooow that,” you sigh, half-heartedly waving her off. “I’m just annoyed that you aren’t annoyed with him here.”

“Oh, I am,” comes an immediate deadpan. “He’s taking my god damned bed now.”

Alastor hums an amused note. “May I remind you that you offered it without my prompting, my dear?”

You watch the way your sister’s face shifts into a weird grimace, something like vehement disagreement and embarrassed admittance mixed into one. She flails her hands about for a moment, as if she’ll find an answer that won’t turn her head into a tomato. “M-My bed’s nearer to the door! It was just easier to drag you to it!”

“---And then,” you cut in, unamused, as Angelica shoots a mean glare at you, “When he said he’d leave because he was troubling us, you forced him to stay in bed and stick around like some worried chicken hen.”

“I am not acting like a worried hen!”

“That’s your concern---?”

“And he was hurt.” She stresses her words with her special brand of sisterly finality. “It’s common-sense to take care of the injured before you let them go.”

You’re tempted to comment on how your home is nothing like a hospital or the like, but the conversation is already teetering close to becoming a noisy sibling argument of sorts - and you’re not interested in not-winning against a stubborn big sister, nor waking up your mother who’ll just chide the both of you for still being awake. So gracefully, regretfully, you restrain yourself and pull your quilt over your head.

Taking the gesture as the white flag that it is, Angelica sighs before switching off your lamp. Everything is hushed into a veil of midnight black and blue, streaked with tints and shades of grey light filtering through the curtains - as always, you keep your eyes wide open, fixed on those thin lights and any trickling little noises, because counting sheep is a terrible way to do anything. In the middle of this strange, stagnant silence, you hear your sister mutter an awfully sincere good night to the room, which takes a heavy handful of seconds to be replied with a curt good night from the fairy guest. It’s a painful process to bury down a groan from how cheesy that felt.

If this is how every night will go while Mister Apple unwittingly hogs your sister’s bed, you’re not interested in sleeping or dreaming. You let the clock tick away, the hidden minute-hand moving down to the next number, before you put a half-baked plan into action---

“Sis secretly sings in the shower.”

“What?”

“---May!”

#fiction #yeah idk what the hell is this except its a vague mix of ideas that turned dumber i guess #discreetly borrows an al who practically never speaks in this entire fic bc bus rides are not made for carefully crafting Shakespeare

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survivor-tierradelfuego · 4 years

Text

Ep. 8: “The leftovers. The unchosen ones. The losers.” - Najwah

Cody A.

https://youtu.be/OSh0mvYBSwo

James Hayden

We just got back from tribal and Ryan was blindsided 3-1. I feel bad for the guy because he had no idea this was going to happen, but that' Survivor for you. I thought there'd be a merge at 13, but Jay's questions at tribal put some doubt in my mind. If it's not a merge, then I think I'm an ok spot if my tribe has to go back to tribal. I'm just praying to the Survivor ORG gods for a merge today or tomorrow.

Cody A.

https://youtu.be/sg4qe6MUjJU

James Hayden

https://youtu.be/oGcQdHpBzhY

Zack M

i don't know how they did it but let's take a moment to shout out james and najwah making it through tribal! no idol needed. im so proud of them. i feel like james will gladly come back to our original alliance once we merge but najwah's commentary always leaves me feeling uneasy. no offense but like do you want to play with anyone, najwah? lol. you have to somewhat trust someone at some point in this game. i would love to work with najwah for as long as possible if she is still around after the merge but unfortunately all of the comments that have been made throughout the game will keep me from promising her anything longterm out of fear that she will run around like a crazy person at merge. also, i believe that she will be the first person to mention my name from hanuha in hopes of it becoming a big move that she could put on her resume. maola doesn't know me yet. i guess they could see me as a threat because of being picked as a captain but like i don't consider maddison a threat. lol. pedro and kalle seem to want revenge. i think it would be fun to get her out first at merge. i'm just rambling now. i'm hungry. we got the new challenge. it's some mini online games or something like that. idk. i'm not a gamer so i was like i have therapy and can't do this bye. i wonder if they think i'm making up my therapy sometimes but like if you guys have ever questioned it i promise i'm not. i have it monday, wednesday, and fridays lol. anyways, cody pedro and kalle are playing. i really only trust me and ben so like fml. hopefully pedro and kalle understand that they are playing for their lives and we win again. fingers crossed. ok i'm going to get chicken tenders. bye.

James Hayden

Things post tribal did not go according to plan. I would've put money on us merging tonight, but instead we have another tribe challenge. There's a small part of me that thinks Edge of Extinction is play in this season. After this challenge, we will be down to 12 people and seasons post 30 that have a 20 person cast merge at 13. I think there's a chance we do merge at 13, but the 13th person is the Edge returnee.

As far as this challenge is concerned, video games aren't my strong point. I'm not a gamer, but these games are pretty straight forward. If we have to go back to tribal I'm voting Amy. Voting out Najwah would hurt my game because it would show the rest of Hanuha that I'm not #Hanuhastrong and it would tie us back up at 6 original Hanuha and 6 original Maola. Voting out Amy gives us a 7-5 advantage heading into a potential merge, shows I'm #Hanuhastrong, and weakens Maddison who I think was the ringleader of Maola 1.0.

Najwah

Last night's tribal was interesting and actually the hardest tribal council. Ryan started a group with James and I 7 minutes after Palena was formed which already made us weary of him. He then tried to blindside me and made me believe he's blindsiding Amy and asked me about James and his previous alliance and it was just a mess. He's an awesome person and great team player but it was just too much scrambling and we all feared he'd flip flop throughout the game, which is dangerous. I'm trying not to use this space as therapy sessions lmao so I'll keep it short. Uhm, I think i have a good thing going with Amy and James. I just really hope we win this challenge, or rather, don't come last so that I can work with them going forward. Amy let me know she has a steal a vote and I told her about my fake idol and we'd like to work together. I really like these two people. A LOT. I lied in tribal when I said I didn't want to keep things Hanúha strong going forward. I can't believe I have to lie and blindside now lmao its becoming HECTIC. I'm really hoping we did enough to at least place second in this challenge. 🤞🏽🤞🏽

Olivia A

I’m doing so bad at all of these games rn and I feel so bad bc I asked specifically to not sit out of this challenge. I play little phone games and stuff literally all the time and am really good at them and for some reason am just doing so so bad today. If we lose then it’s probably my fault but also my alliance of 3 is really solid rn so I’m not actually worried about getting voted off. I still feel so bad I hate this so much.

Cody A.

https://youtu.be/8QZTwYzVqVI

Pedro A

if tomorrow is the merge IMMM GONNA DIEEEEE...we won once again..cause we the baddest.....honestly how am i still alive?...LIKE HOW??....chilllleeee

Olivia A.

Okay woah I’m so happy about this win I was so nervous. I feel like we’re in a really good place going into the merge I’m excited :)

Pedro A

i was about to write my pled for help to the 3 hanuha original members..so they could keep me over kalle...but now who cares...i will throw anyone hunder the bus ....to get to that final

Cody A.

Coming into this game being the competitor that I am, I never imagined even entertaining the idea of throwing a challenge.... BUT when Ben came to me with the idea of making a big move on Zack, I’d be lying If I said I didn’t think about it.. That being said however, I didn’t throw it, but I also did not try as hard as I could have.... I’m very surprised we are not talking to Jay at tribal right now.. Moving forward though, we need Zack.. I need Zack.. If we are merging tonight it is strictly a numbers game from here. I am ready to get my hands dirty, make big moves, and WIN THIS DAMN GAME!!!

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXbaQPdhQw0&feature=youtu.be

Najwah

After that whole challenge experience and this entire week, I don't even know what to say. It's been a tiring experience. Being on a tribe where no one really connects is the worst. I tried telling James that the other tribes were highly competitive but for some reason he was okay with his scores? This entire week I've barely had any sleep. Even now, it's almost 5am and people are just on our tribe, OKAY with low scores? We were doomed from the beginning. The leftovers. The unchosen ones. The losers. Honestly, it messes with you psychologically too. I'm tired of scrambling and relying on tribemates to make an effort. I wanted to work with Amy but she's so difficult to get hold of/unresponsive even though we are on similar timezones. James is hellbent on keeping it Hanúha strong and really, hope he isn't playing me. My heart honestly cannot deal any betrayal so close to merge, I'd also like to just enjoy my Saturday. I deserve to be on the merge tribe. Will most likely be at the bottom ass of the tribe but I want to be in it, nonetheless. I worked for it. And right now, I'm exhausted. Annoyed. Frustrated. Fucking mad. This tribe swap has honestly been DRAINING. Everyone is too nice and meek and people just don't care about winning lol. I hate the anxiety and sleeplessness of these past few days. I forgot what life was like before this ORG lol what did I do? I miss Leanne, still. The best person in this game. I hate it here. I just want to get to merge and be able to breathe again.

Sarah

Ahhhhh I can’t believe our tribe, Maola, won the challenge by so much. I legit thought we were going to lose and didn’t have high enough scores. Aimee freaking killed it on her scores, wow. I have been telling Aimee how to buy the small perfume bottles that give you advantages and where to get coins to buy them. She used FIVE on that challenge yesterday (I wouldn’t have used all five butttt). Part of my strategy during this tribe swap has been buying/playing advantages so we don’t have to go to tribal because I still don’t know who is close to who, and the more I’m with this tribe the more I feel like they really just don’t talk to each other and there’s not much gameplay happening. Part of my strategy with convincing Aimee to buy and use advantages was also so I know how many coins she has because that can come in handy at Merge. I also wanted to give her information about the idol hunt (which I got from others— I’ve never actually idol hunted not knowing where or what I was getting) so she could trust me. I FREAKING hope tomorrow is the Merge! How awesome would it be for our original tribe to have the majority and for me to still have an idol. I feel like after this tribe swap, Cody and I will be in the best position in the game when it comes to all of our connections with people. We have our group with Zack and Ben, I feel close with James and now Aimee, and Cody feels close with Najwah. So we really are kind of in the middle and as long as people don’t find out about how close we are, we can just get all the information from others and share with each other. I guess I won’t stop posting a brick.... sorry.

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjWjJwew7rc

Zack M

welp. i think this is it. could we finally be merging tonight after tribal? or are we swapping to two tribes of 6? that would be super lame. all i know is something is happening and i'm glad because i've been so bored in this tribe. we keep winning. there's no reason to play. i need action. the third tribe that starts with a p is going to tribal again. i don't remember the name. hopefully james and najwah stay hanuha strong so we can go into the merge 7 / 5. if najwah turns she will be my #1 target. she's too dangerous for my game to allow her to run around. other than that ... we came in second during the last competition. we were so lucky. the maola tribe killed it. i wish i would have played because our teams scores were low key pathetic. the p tribe could have beat us if all their players had participated. like is kalle even playing the game? is she here? i talked to her once. i know i should reach out in case it is the merge but it almost feels pointless. i'm sure she will run back to the 3 girls in maola. pedro seems to legit want revenge for john and is open to work together. i hope he isn't lying because i truly do want to take him as far as i can. look, i know i'm talking kind of cocky but i believe in acting in the way you want things to go. i'll be a clown if i'm blindsided. i don't mind. i like clowns. however, this is the way i see it going down in my head ... - we stay hanuha strong - we get out the 3 girls from maola - we get out kalle - we take out aimee and kalle - we take out pedro and james - we then take out sarah - then we have ben cody and i at finale 3 just how we planned it it could honestly work. we just have to figure out idols and make sure no one plays them correctly. and that's where i'm at right now. wish me luck.

Aimee

http://rebloggy.com/post/gif-pokemon-cute-anime-kawaii-charmander-s01e01/106470386286 Happy dance! I’m all for keeping this tribe together. Haha I may have gone a little over board on making sure I did my best on the flash games, but you really never know what the other tribe is going to be doing or getting on these challenges. I hope this doesn’t make me look like a challenge threat if I make it to merge. Sarah has really helped me with idol hunting and finding coins and where to find the advantages. This is great trust building! Thanks Hanuha for the free coins I yoinked from one of your bags at your camp.😏 After everything that happened in the last tribe and despite me voting for her, Sarah and I have really come a long way! I truly had the wrong read on her before. She is actually now someone I am very close with and get along well! Last night after we won immunity she told me she really wants to work with me moving forward in the game! Let’s do it girl! I really enjoy talking to Grae. They seem really genuine and such a kind-hearted person. They keep giving me little messages that seem to hint at wanting to work together. I think at this point it’s unspoken but we both know we would love to. We just get along so well. I also vibe really well with Maddison and I know she could be a very good ally in the future in this game. Olivia proved she is a total team player on this tribe and listened to our advice during the immunity challenge and really stepped up her scores! I am having such a much better time on this tribe and am really enjoying myself. These relationships feel WAY more organic. I will do what I can to help keep this going! I would love to see all of us make it to merge. I’m also so so happy Najwah is still in the game after her last tribal and hopes she makes it through the next tribal!

James Hayden

We are 45 minutes away from tribal and Najwah messaged me saying Amy is ok. We were worried about her because she's been MIA over the past couple days. Per Najwah, Amy will not play her vote steal. It sounds like Amy wants out of the game and if this is what she wants, I will oblige. There's a small part of me that thinks Amy is playing us, but I don't think that's the case.

Maddison

Everyone is expecting a merge tonight, and original Maola is down in numbers. Hoping I can find cracks and worm my way in.

Pedro A

SO i told everything to zack......he seems to rule that allience....so he will 100% tell the others....and will try to take grae and maddison out...

Pedro A

Grae and Maddison just create fake alliences.so people dont write their name down....and make people feel safe... AND im here to make justice for john PERIODTTTT.... #justiceforjohn

Ben Kessler

I hope we are merging. Pedro is out for revenge against his former alliance. Zack is a threat and I need it to be known. Cody and I are hopefully solidified. If we merge, grae and maddison are apparently big threats according to Pedro. So that is fine with me. Just gotta keep making sure the people I'm closest with stay in.

Kalle N

hey I'm super high rn and I don't remember if I did this already or not so her I go. I hope we merge soon so I can vote people out that have wronged me. can't believe we won the last challenge even after I did basically nothing. ok gtg ily bye

Amy A

So this round has been tough. My Internet issues were definitely the reason my tribe lost and I wanted to quit cos I felt so terrible but I think Najwah and I can do something with my steal a vote. I’ll steal hers and vote James so no one will suspect we’re working together and then go into the merge with our little secret alliance. Bliss

Olivia A

I’m excited for merge but not sure if we’ll able to get numbers together and have a majority.

Najwah

All I know is that shit is going to hit the fan at this tribal and I'm scared as hell. Only three of us. You'd think it would be easier but it's terrifying.

Cody A

https://youtu.be/QM4CiTbrjgw

Pedro A

im scared of the merge...scared of the girls allience...scared of me being a target...for being a wild card ...and scared of maddison and graeee.....kill me at this point

#episodes

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hycrans · 7 years

Text

( the cuteST )

a bitch is Tired rn after pulling my usual shit, aka staying up until 5am for no reason only to wake up three hours later to watch bts run, so excuse the seeming lack of enthusiasm lkfdsjglk. hey i’m jules, i’m 20, canadian, and my current means of life rn are chocolate, the x files ( iM LATE IK SFGDJLK ) and 3am you in me listening parties with myself rip !! it’s been almost a month since its release, i need to Relax dammit. i’m a uni student who just got off for christmas break and in love with sowoo so you don’t wanna know the agony that came with picking one over the other without a bit of help. you can hmu on d*scord at HAPPY S*OKJIN DAY#2030 ( don’t.. call me out for not having an updated name since his birthday’s passed, i’m not v bright pls ) if you’d like and this is so boRING, it’s like the life is sucked out of me omg. anyways hyeran, a whole.. other positive muse bc jesus, how many of these do i have rn ?? this is so out of hand man, but nonetheless here’s a bit abt the brat:

- ̗̀ JEON SOMIN, CISFEMALE, SHE/HER ̖́- – have you seen YUN HYERAN? people’ve said the TWENTY TWO year old has been running around the streets of jeju lately, which is odd because aren’t they a BARISTA/MUSIC PRODUCER during the day? anyways, i know they’re known to be EBULLIENT and TRANQUIL but recently i’ve heard they’ve been MAGNANIMOUS and DIFFIDENT, but i could be wrong. ( jules / 20 / gmt-3:30 / she/her )

EDIT: i somehow forgot to mention that she’s.. not sure where she is on the lgbt spectrum but she knows she’s Not Straight JFGDSLKJGK but she’s panromantic so yeah sgjkdl. i’m a whole mess today, i’m sorry lol

yun hyeran, a daegu native with an older and younger brother, an ambivert and an all around baby

tbh i don’t have much of her bg figured out, that’s always the last thing i get to so rip

buT she became involved in music through her father, who studied it in uni and ended up becoming a music instructor with a focus on piano, flute and vocals

her and her mom.. also her older brother, didn’t have the best relationship when she grew older, which seemed to die altogether when her parents divorced and her mom left. but her and her brother’s still exists, it’s just that he’s a bit of a toxic influence on her and she tends to distance herself from him

went to uni in seoul to pursue music like her father ( a daddy’s girl too like ) and found her way into the world of production !! by junior year, she’d transferred out of her original program and majored in that instead and has loved it ever since; she recently graduated

moved to jeju island bc an aunt lived there when she was young and she LOVED to visit, made a few friends there and would always whine abt the next time they could all go see her aunt again. so it made sense for her to live, at least for a little while, in one of her favourite places

she also adores said aunt, her dad’s sister and the maternal figure she Deserves, so she came partially to see her more often

for the time being, she works full-time as a barista at the café just a block from her cute little studio apartment while looking into internships at record labels for her to take on a little further down the line ( no rush bc it’s already quite competitive and she’d rather enjoy what she has going now )

she’s also making something of an income as the creator of an acct on youtube and soundcloud for her music, something she’s had for abt two years now

she’s not even close to making it big yet, and she doesn’t mind if she never works for a moderately to highly popular label — though she should if she wants to get by

among the aesthetic, lo-fi music crowd ( one of those yt accts with a livestream for certain playlists that go on for hours, rip ) where for the most part, it’s personal faves mixed with her own works, and has a substantial following as of now. but has an interest in experimenting, with mashups ( as a lover of them ?? i couldn’t help myself sgflkdsjg ) for example, with a small fear of how that change would be received

this is so short iK, it’s a little infuriating if you ask me ljkgdfjls

in terms of her personality and other things:

she’s a very loyal person, v e r y. while like i said, her relationship with her brother is Not Great, she hasn’t completely given up on him. maybe for the time being, but her being someone who’s open to the idea of people changing for the better somewhere down the line, leaves a bit of room for her to possibly change her mind if he does enough to allow her to consider it

so she can be a bit of a doormat in some cases, it all depends on how she sees the person that determines if that’s the case, but she generally won’t let you off if you’re being dumb/an ass to someone or if she gets advantageous vibes from you for example ( given she can.. be a little naive and is a p gentle soul ) so.. idk fgklsj good luck to the 99% ig ??

she does have a slight dependency on others despite her thinking all signs point to the opposite, and even though her and her mom never rly had a good relationship she still reels from the neglect/abandonment some days so handle her with Care if she deems you a close pal,

spontaneous tbh, moving to jeju was a little last minute on her part, for one

she’s a little reclusive when focused on something, if she tells you she’s working on a track, it’s essentially a head’s up that you might not see her for a couple of days depending on how soon she gets it done — lowkey that bitch™ who makes up an illness to her boss, so she wouldn’t even show up for work if it’s more than just her fucking around

bc admittedly, a lot of what she posts is fucking around and liking it, her more thought-out and effort packed projects are hidden away on her laptop

a bit insecure with her work and just her general disposition ?? those first few points above mess with her a lot and leave her disheartened so.. my poor child

v strong overall, takes people’s shit and if it gets to her, she gets over it p fast. doesn’t dwell on much and will be courteous to you even if she’s declared you too toxic to stick around 24/7

isn’t exactly one to get angry ?? she’s basically just disappointed or annoyed at best 99% of the time, it takes a lot to get her beyond that

positive, ugh. maybe not sickeningly sweet, but still. kinda explained parts of it above and i’m 95% gone mentally rn, gotta spare that for other little details gsjklf

a cute bean who wants the best for everyone and is also clumsy as absolute fuCK

uhhh

plays piano and bass guitar ( you don’t know how tempted i was to say clarinet bc of jiwoo gjflkgds )

prob had some kind of little amateur rock band with a few music majors and took up bass for the hell of it lmao

loves animals, leans towards cats or big dogs. corgis and those little spaniels get a pass tho

speaking of, she has a cute little calico kitten ( i’m shit with pet names so that’s tba rgkjls ) who she Loves, her baby !!

sweater, ball cap and basic t shirt junkie

those glasses somin’s been wearing a lot of lately ?? hyeran wears them too but.. actually needs them, not even close to a fashion statement

doesn’t don much makeup unless someone’s dragging her to a party or something

thaT’S when she looks a little more like a classy early twenties bitch.. which lbr, is hard enough when adulthood is a whole Train Wreck for the most part LGFJSDL

not a heavy drinker, but the textbook definition of a lightweight so.. she’s always praying for anyone who has to deal with her dgfjklsfg

lattes are her livelihood

a bit of a hopeless romantic, god help her

her favourite subject in school was literature/writing and reads quite a bit on her breaks at the café

favourite music genres.. it’s easier to say what she doesn’t like/finds boring, which is prob country and some aspects of edm/pop, not into punk/metal either

these are super basic but.. i’ve gotta get myself together for the day so this’ll do for now i hope ??

so if you’d like to plot, im me here or on d*scord ! i prefer the latter personally, but whichever’s easiest for you. i have a list of a few of the specific wcs i have in mind ( for the time being, catch my lazy ass avoid listing all the basic ones and revising a few i have on an old blog ) for hyeran up now, which you can find here, so just lmk if any of them appeal to you !!

#╳┊: — bitch you’re gonna die ! •「 ooc. 」#islandintro #so uh yeah #this is messy GKFLDSJDG i apologize #at this point i might just add those additional long plots in the form of an ooc bc formatting on a page?? a Pain #.. basically too lazy for my own good rip

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mysplaced-pen · 7 years

Note

I'm sorry if you can't write this if it's part of the rules but can I have RFA++(if it's okay) reacting to an MC suddenly had a depression and self harm relapse? I'm sorry if this is too much;; I just had a relapse and I need to feel better rn.

hey, love💛 don’t be sorry at all, I’d be glad to write this for you^^ I hope this makes you feel better! Remember that the rfa and I are here for you, we love you lots, and you’re always welcome to my inbox(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥

[ just in case: trigger warnings! for mentions of self harm!]

zen

everything was supposed to be fine now

there was nothing wrong, in fact, mc has had some of the best days they had in a long time

but they just…yeah

they felt like explaining wouldn’t help

and mc really, really didn’t want to, but they found themselves back where they swore they wouldn’t be

which was crying quietly, in the bathroom, hurting themselves again

they broke their two year cleanliness

zen came back from getting the two of them some goldfish-shaped bread and couldn’t find mc anywhere

until he heard faint crying coming from the bathroom

he knocked on the door first. “mc? are you alright?”

mc couldn’t answer back, too scared of what his reaction would be

“babe? i’m coming in.” “no! no, im fine. I just..I fell, I’ll be ok.”

Zen didn’t buy it. he opened the door and found them on the floor, trying to clean the blood away and crying

he immediately ran to their side, kneeling before them and taking a towel

he doesn’t react how mc thought he would. he doesn’t ask why, doesn’t visibly stress out, doesn’t get upset with them

instead, he pulls mc into his lap and gently cleans them up, kissing their shoulder every once in awhile and whispers slowly

“it’s okay. this does not diminish the progress you made. you feel for a little, but you’ll get back up. I’ll do whatever it takes to help you back up. But you are amazingly strong. I love you..I love you so much.”

yoosung

yoosung didn’t notice it at first

it was honestly hard to notice

mc never ate a lot, but they always ate three meals

and they still did! but their meals got smaller and smaller

then they stopped eating lunch when yoosung wasn’t around

it didn’t show physically, but yoosung could tell

mc’s stomach rumbled more than it used to. they were more grumpy, not as bright as they usually were

so he stopped by the house one day. mc had just texted him that they were eating right now

when he got there, however, they weren’t

they were just sitting there, wrapped up in blankets, not wanting to move

“honey..” he said, a sad smile on his face. mc was surprised - he didn’t tell them he was coming home

“you haven’t been eating..” mc doesn’t answer him

“I had breakfast..” “that was breakfast, though, honey.”

they don’t take the conversation any further, but yoosung goes into the kitchen and gets mc a granola bar

he sits down next to them and takes their hand, kissing their cheek

“start here. we’ll go slowly, love. but I need you to be healthy..I’ll be there every step of the way.”

jaehee

jaehee and mc didn’t have the best sleeping habits

they were getting better, though !

the latest they slept was at 11. for a week now!

progress!

or, it was for jaehee

mc was still tired, always. like they hadn’t slept well in months

their mood didn’t really alter, but they kept yawning

and they still refused to take a nap, even

one night, jaehee couldn’t sleep

so much for that record

but what was more important was that she found mc still awake, looking like they were practically fighting sleep

“mc, sweetheart, what are you doing awake?” mc looked at her in surprise

“can’t sleep. but it’s alright, love. you should be asleep too.”

jaehee knows something is off. “how long have you not been able to sleep, mc?”

they yawn, but try to play it off. “just since last night. it’s fine. what’s another all nighter?”

jaehee sits up, pulling mc over. “you need rest, love. you’re hurting yourself like this.” she kisses their nose. “i want you to be happy and healthy, and its going to take awhile, but we can start with being healthy. I’ll be right beside you as you fight.”

jumin

jumin was like a hawk

he knew their routine. it was hard to do anything to hurt themselves

but mc found a way

no one watched them while they ate…so if they could just order something small and throw it away..

or invite a friend over to give them the meal..

no one would know that mc wasn’t eating

again, it barely showed anything different physically

but one of the chefs got suspicious and worried

so they tell him

and he decides to come home when mc ordered something small, like a little salad

he walked through the door as soon as mc opened the trashcan

“…my love?” he asked

mc looked at him with wide eyes, the fork just barely starting to push the food down

“honey! you’re home early..” “is something wrong?” “no, i- it’s a lot…”

“mc…”

they slowly put the bowl on the counter and look to the floor

jumin walks over to them and lifts their chin, making them look at him

“mc, don’t hide from me again, my love…i want you to tell me how you’re feeling. i want to know…and i want to help you…please don’t hesitate to tell me what you feel, no matter how dark you feel it is. i want to support you and help you through it.”

707 / luciel / saeyoung

it was fairly easy to play it off at first

because they told saeyoung they wanted to stay up with him

but then it got to the point where even when he wanted to sleep early, they would stay up

mc had been drinking a lot of Dr. Pepper, too..for the sugar rush

saeyoung had an eye for things like this. partly because he did the same thing before

but also because he’s done worse, too

mc was going on their sixth soda of the day when saeyoung took it from their hands

“no fair!” they said. saeyoung just put it back in the fridge before going back to them

he carried them onto his lap and made them face him

“you need to sleep.”

mc was surprised, confused. “..it’s two in the afternoon.”

“and you haven’t slept properly in a week. you might get worse..”

now they were more surprised. “saeyoung-”

“i just- mc…not sleeping seems harmless, but it really isn’t good for you. you’re hurting yourself that way. and if you continue, it might make you want to do something even worse..”

he wraps his arms around mc and puts his head in the neck. “please, let’s start with a nap. i’ll sleep with you, but i’m going to make sure you do, first. i need my agent 606 healthy…and i want the love of my life to know that it’s ok to hurt…but they need to take care of themselves..”

v / jihyun

mc tried really hard for jihyun

they knew that rika had this kind of problem, not handling it the same way mc did, but the same problem nonetheless

however, jihyun failed rika. at least, that’s what he thought. he couldn’t fail mc

but it was getting to be too much for them

they could barely act happy for his sake

but he wasn’t home right now..and if they could just- just once-

scars healed. he would never know…

jihyun came home early, though

he thought mc stepped out to go to the store, so the bathroom was free

it wasn’t. he walked in on mc over the sink, staring at him with wide eyes

v wasted no time at all. he rushed to their side, gently but firmly taking their other hand

“Angel,” he breathed out. mc started crying. “i’m sorry, V- Jihyun- I just-”

he shushes them, taking their face into his hands

“it’s ok. you don’t need to apologize, Angel. what we need to do us clean you up”

they do just that, jihyun putting bandages on

“mc…i will do anything i can to help you. we can look for someone to help, we can take it slowly. but please…don’t hide anything from me. I won’t lose you..I want to help you..”

saeran

saeran is extremely good at noticing self-destructive behavior

especially because he has the tendency to do it himself

so mc has to be subtle

in all honesty, they shouldn’t even be doing this

they were supposed to be helping him, not sinking into their own depression

but it was hard. and they still wanted to be an example for saeran

so they took up scratching instead of anything else

it wasn’t visible and they could easily play it off

but saeran noticed. of course he noticed

their skin was red all the time. not to the point of almost being cut, but it was getting there

and he knew there was only one reason for it

“mc…are you hurting yourself?”

“what? no, of course not, saeran”

“don’t lie to me. you’re scratching.”

mc was surprised at how he picked up on it so quickly, but they can’t lie to him again

“…I am…”

he takes their hand and brings their arm to him, kissing the fingers on his other hand before pressing it to their skin

“we’ll get better together”

#mystic messenger #mysme #mystic messenger hc #mysme headcanon #zen mysme #yoosung kim #jaehee kang #jumin han #707 #saeyoung choi #jihyun kim #saeran choi #anon #a request!#tw #i hope you feel better<3

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