#Im happy im probably losing some weight bc i have been at my biggest ever this year/last but

[mrfoox]

Losing weight :)

Losing weight bc of bad eating habits :(

[elysianslove]

first of all can i just say congrats on the 500 like i'm so happy for you and you absolutely deserve it (huge bear hug :) ) now i had this crazy hcs idea and i immediately thought of you so long story short how would Karasuno , Aoba Johsai and Nekoma react to their sweet manager having powers similar to those of scarlet witch (marvel) or mirajane strauss (fairytail anime) feel free to pick whichever one is easier and thank you so much for indulging my crazy request. love u lots - safiyah <3333

oh my goodness thank you sm for your words here’s a bear hug <3 also also i was literally just thinking just how cool it would be to have like a supernatural au haikyuu thing and then you send me this wow we on some mind reading shit. anyways i really hope you like this. sorry it’s like hq on crack if you want a serious one lemme know hsjkhsk

karasuno high

they lose their shit. 

every single one of them. 

mentally they’re all like 12 (except daichi and mqybe ennoshita) so i definitely think they’d have a very childish reaction to it. 

it’s so endearing though. 

they find out while walking you home one night: it’s very stormy and they just wanted to make sure you get home safe because they worship the ground you walk on. cue like a fucking billboard nearly falling on you and the group of boys and your instincts just kick in and you stop it mid air. 

noya’s still screaming even after everyone’s just gone silent and is gawking at the fact a billboard (or whatever the object is i can’t think rip) is hovering above them. in mid air. because of you. what the fuck? 

daichi’s blood pressure drops he’s like somebody catch me im about to faint wtf is going on. 

you kinda freak and just toss it away and run your way back home, as far away from the boys as possible. 

but alas, you’re their manager, and you have duties to fulfill. so you show up to practice the next morning terrified for your life. 

you’re not really sure why you’re so scared and nervous. you just are? it’s a huge part of who you are and it’d be a big bummer if the most important boys in your life didn’t accept it. 

noya greets you with a really big hug

tanaka’s so loud but what’s new <3 

daichi and suga just come up to you and gently ask if you’re okay because you ran off so quick yesterday

they all act super normal during practice but you can tell

you can tell

they want to ask so many questions they’re gonna explode 

after practice, when coach ukai and takeda leave, and it’s just you, kiyoko, and the boys, it’s s o quiet. you would hear a pin drop. 

you just sigh and go “you can ask” 

your poor eardrums </3 

they’re so fascinated by everything you say 

kiyoko’s like “i had a hunch” like how do u have a hunch about something like this anyways what a queen

noya’s like “make me fly” 

and tsukki in the back “drop him on his ass pls” 

they definitely make you do so many things for them with it 

cleaning duty is now on you because hello !! you can move things with your mind !! 

kags doesn’t get it. he’s like. ok? and ? i can set volleyballs perfectly, hinata can jump really high despite his height, she can move things with her mind? so what? 

i love him 

they’re also crazy good at keeping it a secret? 

not hinata tho he slips up so often like thank god the secret isn’t realistic or believable

he’ll be like “oh yeah? well our manager can move things with her mind!” 

and suga just has to usher him away with a pained smile like “yeah she’s so incredible haha” while doing that thing moms do where they squeeze or pinch your shoulder if they’re mad at you in public 

it feels like a weight lifted off your shoulders when they find out because the closer you grew to these boys, the more they felt like family to you.

aoba johsai

my favorite team 

i hc makki as someone that smokes weed. pls don’t try to convince me otherwise. look at him. he’s a pothead <3 

this is going somewhere i swear.

so you’re a 3rd year manager, meaning you’ve been with these boys a while now, specifically the third years of the team, so y’all are pretty close. 

how they find out: it’s like 3am on a weekend, the seijoh 4 and some of the second years. you’d baked a cake with like all of them all at once in the kitchen, so it was now a mess, so you’re attempting to clean it up as fast as you can the way you know best — with your hands and your mind. makki walks in, high as shit, sees this and just. 

“damn must be the weed.” 

you don’t hear him. so. uh oh. 

he was probably sent there by iwa to get water or something, so iwaizumi walks in and just yells so loud “what the fuck!” 

it’s like they’re all summoned by this. they eventually all pile into the kitchen and you’re literally just frozen in fear with pots and pans and utensils and specks of flour hovering by you. and then you maintain eye contact with iwa as you lift one hand and direct the pans into a cupboard and slowly shut it. 

“so it’s not the weed?” 

they honestly. don’t act any different tbh 

it’s like an added feature of yours that they appreciate. 

oikawa asks you to read his mind to test if what happened that night was real and you just lift him up from off his seat. 

“i asked you to read my mind tho hm” 

yeah mind reading is just a regular thing now. they will slyly ask you to read the other team’s minds during a match and you’re like no that’s cheating. but you do. and you subtlety give them advice. like “hm i wonder if that team’s gonna do this specific attack” 

also oikawa asks (read:begs) u to like help them make it through to nationals

you say “will it feel like a true accomplishment if i do?” 

shuts his pretty face up <3 

they also make you like. toss volleyballs to them. but with your mind. multiple of them. they take it as some stupid challenge idk these boys are dumb i love them 

they also love throwing things at. YOU. LIKE WTF? 

like haha dodgeball but it’s a group of 6’0+ athletes against just. you. 

sounds fair 

they also become insanely protective of you after they find out. idk how that clicks w them but. yes. 

especially mattsun and iwa ? like men. relax.

anyways they would abuse the shit out of your powers genuinely but it’s okay it’s out of love <3

nekoma high

they. they’re idiots. all of them. 

kuroo would probably be like but scientifically ! this makes zero sense 

omg kenma would lose his MIND. 

HES A GAMER BRUH 

HED BE OBSESSED W YOU.

but lowkey bc none of that simp shit </3 

ooou okay so you’re at a training camp and they sneak you in with them so you guys can play truth or dare 

bc yk. you’re kids. 

and y’all are going around and you just pick truth and someone asks what’s the biggest secret you’ve ever kept from us and they expect some dirty shit they’re nasty smh 

and then you straight up go “i can move things w my mind” 

and theyre like ok miss stop playin fr 

keep in mind it’s dark as hell in the dormitory and eerily quiet and you shift one of the chairs in there, and it squeaks loudly

yamamoto jumps and looks at you w so much fear in his eyes. “that wasn’t you” 

“bet?” 

and then suddenly all chairs are moving all at once and yamamato deadass screams 

kuroo’s shrugging like. “it’s just the wind,” like ur not in a closed off room w all the windows shut whatever u say sir <3 

lev’s like

gone into shock. seriously someone go get him water or something. 

when morning comes they’re all like hella scared to approach you except kenma and kuroo bc kenma— is in awe. kuroo — does not believe it. 

you’re kinda :( that they’re scared of you and you approach them after the day is over and just apologize, and tell them you didn’t mean to scare them and that you’d never hurt them or even consider it. 

they do a 180 bruh they just all go “awwwwww” and suffocate you in a group hug so you shove them all off for good measure lmao 

kuroo still doesn’t believe it until you save his ass in broad daylight and he’s like ok maybe it wasn’t fake so what sue me 

whenever there are training camps where other schools come they beg u to help them prank the boys 

especially bokuto and hinata 

and you do obviously 

it’s hilarious watching them scream as something moves slightly. you never do it that it’s suspicious just enough to be like did that happen or is my mind messing w me rn 

scarlet witch also has the ability to mess w people’s mind in the literal sense and whenever one of the boys pisses you off particularly you just make them see their biggest fear 

kenma asks you to reenact some of his favorite gameplays for him

it’s literally just roleplay and you couldn’t care less someone catches the two of you you’re no pussy you can admit when you’re having fun 

overall a very chaotic reaction 

they don’t treat you any different they’re just like 100x more hyped about who you are. like the fact that you’re their manager is already a blessing and now this !!! 

incredible <3333

[mysteriescomeinthrees]

EPISODE 3: We’re in the Upside-Down but I’m happy to be Here - Jinx

ok soooo I did not stick to my own plan but it's fine we're gonna be ok Ep 3: I Will Not Beg You to Play Well https://voca.ro/198BUGITWV41

I will die for jinx and jones

I was gonna record another video, but I currently look like a greasy sewer rat and Jarod has been asking me to make a confessional, so I decided to just write out my thoughts.  I think Jarod wants me to dive more into my thoughts regarding pirate’s counsel, so I will start with that.   From my experience, first boots are almost always the easy vote. It’s hard to really build enough trust with people to truly convince them to keep the more unknown person over a person they have SOME level of trust with. When it came to my crew, I was the obvious first vote out. This became especially abundantly clear when I heard that Roxy had already announced to the blue crew that I was fucked.  I already had the idol so I knew I had a safety net in place, but who wants to use their idol on the first vote??? I immediately tried bonding with people - especially those that I had some level of connection to. My first person I tried to connect with was Autumn.  We had a mutual with Jinx, so I thought we could potentially connect and work together. I know that everyone is connected to Jinx though, so I wasn’t sure how strong that mutual was.  We had a call, which I thought went really well. We bonded over law, and she seemed keen on working together. Besides Autumn, I didn’t feel like I was successfully making connections. I felt like I needed to make a change and that’s when I decided chaos is a ladder. I took a new approach from trying to have light hearted good conversations, to messaging everyone more aggressively about why Roxy said I was fucked. This is when I really started to bond with Cindi.  She didn’t know Roxy has said that, and felt a bit excluded from her trio and the crew I think. We really bonded and she shared that she had an extra vote and an idol, and I shared I had an idol. When I realized that the others were not going to be willing to flip, I realized I would need to use the idol, and I needed to figure out the best person to cut moving forward and how to do damage control for post tribal. I was worried about all the AllStar players, so knew that Caeb would be safe and I would take out one of them. I still hoped I could work with autumn in the future, and obviously loved Cindi, so I knew it was between Eve or Andrew. After learning about connections, I felt that Eve was the most connected, from Allstars and playing with Caeb, so I felt if they left, I would have the best chance of integrating myself. I also spoke the least with Eve, so it was a win win for me. Cindi also agreed, which was really important to me.  Andrew was feeding Cindi info and could prove an asset.  I did feel it was really important that everyone knew Eve was my target.  I made sure to campaign all day so people felt I was nervous and wouldn’t have an advantage, so the plan would work.  I also wanted people to not feel too betrayed after tribal, since they all knew I was pushing Eve. The next thing we needed to decide was whether or not Cindi voted with me or not. I didn’t care, since I was playing the idol. In the end, Cindi opted to vote against me to try to keep the relationship with Andrew. I think they still think im on an island by myself, when Cindi and I are extremely tight now. Moving forward, I honestly don’t know if I’ve gained much more social capital on my crew. I think im ~okay~ with everyone, but I think im still at the bottom. But, I have an extra vote that Cindi gave me, so I have some level of security going forward. I really hope our two trios work together going forward. Luckily I’m good at challenges.  We have won the past two challenges so have some level of safety.  My goal for the rest of the game is for my trio and Cindi’s trio to make merge, and then we can really do some damage.  I know Kai and Bohdi also have bonded well.  Hopefully we just keep winning and I get a good swap scenario. I’m guessing we swap to two tribes at 14.  I still feel like an underdog, but with a certain level of tenacity, anything is possible.

My tribe is going to its first tribal and I am terrified. I have no clue what to expect or how this will go. I trust in jinx and henry that the vote is on Pippa, its sad but I need to stay. My two trio members are not going to perish in vain so I will slay anyone who stands in my way. 

Thankfully we're safe but you still gotta worry about your trio members ur never free from the anxiety

Hello, this is a mandatory confessional. Im currently getting my tarot for the game being read by Jinx and whew its a lot for me right now. Im really intruiged by all this and i feel like its so deep and impactful but right now im feeling a tad overwhelmed. Right now all signs are pointing to me to me breaking the chains of my past and make top 9, but also maybe get out immidiatly at 9. According to the cards the biggest obstacle in my path to success is me and im gonna really take that to heart this game

Sappho going to council… DISGUSTING!! Basically I’m the vote but Andrew got a power to let me leave council and be safe ❤️ So I shall be using that !! Jinx and I had a good talk and I’m hoping we are okay bc I genuinely wanna work with them. BUTTT jinx is a legend I am constantly weary of. So I shall see y’all in round 4 but will I survive past that?? I smell a swap 

It was pretty gutting seeing Kai able to go to the bay instead of Jordan, who actually campaigned to keep her. Hell, I thought I also had a decent relationship with her after encouraging her to attempt the puzzle. Hopefully Kai actually found a disadvantage like he said, but there’s no way to tell because it “won’t be revealed until its applicable.” Never in my LIFE have I seen a disadvantage worded like that. Something to keep an eye on. Coulee was unfortunately voted out by our team last round and I think it was a squandered opportunity to take out a power player. With one of the most egregious mistakes I have ever seen in an ORG, Coulee being voted out makes sense in terms of keeping the team strong. I really think there’s other reasons though. Bodhi and Mo shutting down the chance to take out someone as skilled at the game as Kai is a little concerning. I have to assume that Mo and Bodhi are at least closer to Kai than they are to Jordan and I. Bodhi specifically I’m skeptical of after they told me there were no other names tossed around…when Jordan definitely had a convo with him about voting Kai. I really trusted Bodhi before this but now I have to be cautious around them to. Also, I had a short conversation with Mo about potentially switching the vote up. I didn’t outright say it, just hinted at it by saying “maybe we should stick to how el farto voted.” I was hoping that reminding them that Caeleb has technically already voted against 101 would get them to consider switching their vote but they didn’t bite. Maybe I should have done more here, but I would be risking myself becoming the next target on this team. I’m thrilled we won the letter number challenge because things aren’t looking good for me on my team. Joyita going to council would have meant Jordan or I probably going home. Unfortunately though, we found out pippa is getting votes which isn’t much better! We do have our safety without power advantage, so Pippa isn’t actually going home, but we did have to figure out who we’re telling. Jordan was nice enough to tip me off about her getting votes after I asked, so I decided to tell him about Pippa’s power. I think him telling Jinx this information would allow them to stay in control of the vote and further solidifies our two trios working together. Though in the moment on call with Jordan, I’m not sure I was delivering it with the most conviction. I’ve never been in a situation quite like this before and I think he noticed I was wavering about telling him or not. Is he gonna put it together that I found this item under his nose and didn’t tell him, or is he even going to care. IDK!! My wheels were turning and though I was a little clumsy with my words, I told him about the advantage so he could tip off Jinx. I followed it up with reassuring him that it was in our best interests for our two teams to work together and that he was my number one. I’m definitely going to have to do some damage control because he’s going to realize I held back information from him, but I think I was still able to get across that keeping him and his trio safe are my top priority. Can’t wait to see how that goes :’)

Also this game makes me tire. Or maybe I need to eat more vegetables. Who knows.

kickflipped

IVE BEEN UNPACKING ALL DAY AHHHHH

I��ve been looking for my cat so I can’t like do a conf love you hosts 

So me jinx and Jabari are going strong! Just talked to jinx today I feel so tight with her we’re like inseparable. I’m sitting between three trios: Kai Sarah me Bodhi Cindi me Jinx Jabari me All of whom I don’t want to betray sooo it’s gonna be tough. I’ll probably end up being loyal to Kai and Sarah, as both the other duos want to work with my trio. So yeah! We originally wanted Roxy out for this tribal and she had told me she was coming after Sarah and Bodhi to my face and I was like 😳 girl you know I’m working with them at least lie. But uhm it’s become abundantly clear that Pippa is not pulling her weight in challenges so that was the move. However right before tribal we caught wind of Pippa advantage where she could leave tribal and be safe, but lose her vote. We decide to pivot the vote to Jones: and she goes home. However jinx told Roxy to vote for me 🙄 whatever. Uhm I’m not mad but it’s still like something to think about. But yeah! So Jones goes home, and I move on to the next cycle :>

https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1128476152

[txicgf]

holynshit I'm so sad wtf why am i so sad all the time i wish i wasn't so sad :(((

i feel so bad for little me who was so sad :((( im nfine with current me being sad but my heart just breaks for like.... 6-12 yr old me :( before i got to this she was so full of sunshine and smart and all she cared about was everyone :( i hate thinking bout little kid me but she was just so lonely and so so so sad. probably sadder than i am now but didn't even know :(( she didn't know any better she was just little and she taught herself everything and and just wanted to learn about the world and never had anyone :(

it's rlly rlly rlly hard for me to realize I'm the same person as her . bc of the just . 4 yr chunk of time missing i only go off of what i was fixated on at the time bc that's the only thing i remember but :(( i remember rlly little me and i remember me now . rlly little me was years smarter than her age and would have existential talks with dad in the car and asked questions about everything and rlly rlly loved everything with her whole heart :/ i know i was a little kid and just untouched by the world then but i miss it so much. i miss her. i miss gram. i wish i didn't have to grow up at 7, i wish gram never died and i wish things didn't have to hurt as much as they do like they do all the time. i want to act like I'm getting better now but the only time I'm there enough to know im not doing good is when im fucked up beyond belief and the biggest reason i developed such a random intense fear of death i think is bc of how fucking close i was to ending it right before, and all i think about it getting skinnier and it's the only thing that makes me happy but at the same time i know it will probably kill me but i really wanna let it so at least i don't have to blame myself for my own death. i want to give up the control the idea of suicide has always given me because im just so tired of everything. of fighting the brain bullshit, if trying to make myself like me, all of it. im so tired of it all and every day i wish some world ending event could happen so i dont have to be responsible for it. there's nothing left of me that seems to not be poisoned by my own self destructiveness and the only things keeping me here are my rabbits (whom i think i should not have at all this point because i don't deserve them and someone else could take much better care of them even if they're the one thing in my life that means the most to me over everything in the whole world) and dippers and losing weight. the only reasons I'm staying is because i HAVE to see myself skinny and i HAVE to be with my loves until they pass. i can never be away from them even if i wanted to, it's just not something that's possible.

i am so fucking drunk rn lmao idk how im making so much sense. idk. i just feek

i feel very missing being small and happy and i miss gram. i miss her so much it physically ails me it feels like. i hate that im never going to see her again and i need there to be an afterlife because i have to see her again somehow. she has to be happy somewhere. i have to know that wherever she is she's happy. she's with rocky, or fighting bears or she's with me, idk, i just need to know where she is. i hardly remember her anymore but she's still my ultimate comfort and the person that I know even if shes literally fucking dead, she still loves me somehow. i miss her so much all the time, I've gone through all my life now with this gaping hole within me that it's just a part of who i am. i know what the emptiness is now and it's missing her. the last time i felt truly safe and loved was before she died, and i haven't known a day of true peace since, which sucks balls because it's been 10 years now . there's no one in my life i love more or am ever going to love more and she was gone before i could even really know her. all I've got are sugar coated memories and pictures. i wish i knew her. i wish she were here. i want ghosts to be real just so i could talk to her again. i just miss grammy so much :((

the reason i feel so bad about little me is just bc she went through that alone i think. i really wish someone had been there. i wish everything would have been different. im so tired of who I've become, i hate myself with every ounce of me. i hate that im the kind of person that wastes her time on wishing things were different too hhh .

jm sad and drunk I'm gonna stop now b4 i get really actually suicidal

[bartsugsy]

It’s kinda sad though Aaron has to suck it up and not move on at all and accept a baby his husband conceived while he was probably off his head in prison it’s kinda cruel, Aaron would never ever in a million years to this to Rob makes me wonder how people think they’re love is ever equal at all

i mean, he probably couldn’t do this to rob bc any cheating he would do would likely not result in an unxpected pregnancy so

it’s not really fair to argue that, is it?

also, like… this is absolutely a product of robert’s bad decision

but it didn’t happen in a vaccuum - this wasn’t rob sitting around like OH BOY IM BORED AND MY EX IS LOOKING FOINEEEE LETS GO GET SOME OF THAT NO I WOULD NEVER USE PROTECTION HEY BEX LETS BANG

that’s not… what happened… like jfc you’re genuinely skimming over the entirety of what happened in canon

aaron put a guy in hospital, which landed him in prison, which led to him being abused in prison, which led to him doing spice - that’s aaron’s side of things

rob’s side, on the build up, was… he couldn’t sleep in a bed without aaron and was generally a complete wreck, one day the prison didn’t let him see aaron and then liv told him that aaron was doing drugs, he finally went to see aaron who was acting like a shell of himself, was so heartbroken that he got drunk, got really fucking angry at aaron, called rebecca over to rant at her because she was his only friend and someone he’d been able to talk to about how he felt about missing aaron, decided to hurt aaron and came onto rebecca, knew exactly what to say to get her to say yes, she said yes, they banged

like…. the situation was deliberatly not as straightforward as ‘oh hey, it’s rob being a cheat again, knew he couldn’t stay faithful!’ 

it was 100% robert doing the wrong thing, but jfc so was aaron beating up kasim

look how fucking much robert and liv suffered while aaron was in jail - but that never gets held over aaron’s head - and yes, aaron was absolutely suffering while he was in prison and his suffering was moreso than rob’s suffering has been since the break up but that doesn’t change the fact that aaron is still responsible for being put in prison and aaron is still therefore the cause behind rob and liv’s suffering during that tiime.

and i’m not necessarily saying that this should be held over aaron’s head - but i don’t think it should be given less weight than the baby. rob fucked up and slept with rebecca, she got pregnant and decided to keep it, thereby destroying rob and aaron’s relationship. the root of the problem is rob’s horrible decision making, and rob’s tendency to lash out at people in insane ways, but the baby wasn’t a fuckin concious dig at aaron and liv. it has obviously caused them an incredible amount of pain and heartbreak, but the baby itself was more of a perfect storm of awful consequences - much like prison and the horrors was for aaron in a village where people genuinely get away with murder.

so no, it’s not fair to aaron. and yes, it’s a much more long-lasting consequence than prison ended up being - although aaron was supposed to be there for a year, so robert and liv would have had to survive for a year without him - imagine that after how much they struggled after a god damn week. just as they were innocent victims to aaron’s prison sentence, aaron and liv are innocent victim’s to rob’s new baby. 

it’s not fair to aaron, but also it will clearly be something he manages to get over. it’s not about rob winning and aaron losing. robert literally said today that he’s never been more miserable. aaron has been on this amazing journey of growth and come to a place with his mh where he’s much more able to handle this shit and it’s sad and i’m sad for him but… 

this baby isn’t a sign that robert and aaron don’t love one another.

aaron beating up kasim happened because rob called off the wedding, because he’d spent so long thinking he was going to lose rob (and this was again because of rob - i’m not saying he’s an innocent bean or that he doesn’t desperately need to be redeemed, because he makes horrible fuckin decisions at all time)

rob cheating on aaron happened because he was angry at aaron for going to prison and for doing spice and had spent a whole day terrified that aaron had fuckin died - he slept with rebecca because he loves aaron. and because where aaron lashes out with violence, robert lashes out by doing this sort of stupid impulsive thing.

no, that doesn’t make it better and no that doesn’t mean he wasn’t 100% spot on when he spoke about how he destroys people’s lives because he does, he fuckin does - he said ‘i do what i want and it’s always the wrong thing’ (that’s not the exact quote but yk) and he’s so god damn right. it is always the wrong thing. 

but the situation they’re in, much as it is a product of rob’s horrible horrible decisions, is not a product of robert intentionally wanting to destroy aaron’s life. yes, in that moment and fuelled by whiskey he wanted to make aaron as hurt as he felt, but that’s a perfectly human feeling to have. following that fucking impulse was the stupid part. that was where the damage was caused.

they both fucked up this year, anon. rob moreso, to be fair. i’ve said all of this before, but there’s a reason why he’s the one who needs the redemption storyline and why aaron needed the storyline about finding ways to start to heal and better coping mechanisms. but they still both fucked up. aaron having a shitty time with his mh doesn’t excuse him from putting a guy in a hospital or throwing a wrench at robert’s head. and they really really did need their break up. they really did. and rob needs a period of growth, just as aaron needed that time alone, to grow, without robert.

but people always say that aaron will force himself to love the baby and he’ll just have to ~suck it up~ and i just… why is it so out of the question that they could write it in a way where he genuinely realises that the baby isn’t as painful to be around as he thought? that he can be in rob’s life with the baby around and that it doesn’t actually hurt, that he doesn’t mind it, that maybe the baby is growing on him, that he still misses robert, that…. actually, that time apart was more valuable than he realised… especially when we have robert finally facing up to the part he’s played in destorying all these people’s lives, including aaron’s

their biggest issue blocking their happiness isn’t the baby anon

it’s rob’s potential to cause chaos and hurt aaron again, just by making the same horrible decisions and never considering the consequences, by taking ridiculous risks with other people’s lives and well-being and happiness because he has no semblance of self-control

that’s the shit that’s stopping them from being a couple that stays together and is happy, really, not the fuckin baby

that’s what needs to be dealt with. the baby is ultimately secondary to that, in terms of letting them work and getting them to a place where they can get married in the summer

i mean, fine, we don’t know how it’s going to work, we don’t know if aaron is going to warm to the baby or if it will all be an act or whatever, but it’s not a foregone conclusion that he’ll be there at the end of the year, feeling forced to suck up the existence of this child. just the poor little pineapple, constantly shit on by the narrative and by everyone around him. THAT’S NOT THE FOREGONE CONCLUSION FOR AARON’S FUTURE AND I HIGHLY FUCKIN DOUBT DANNY WOULD BE WALKING AROUND SINGING THE PRAISES OF WHAT’S COMING UP IF IT WAS 

BECAUSE WE FUCKIN SAW HIM WHEN HE WAS UPSET WITH THE SHOW ON AARON’S BEHALF AND IT DIDN’T LOOK LIKE HE’S BEEN LOOKING RECENTLY

just… god. canon exists for a reason. robron have so many god damn problems to fix and i’m sure they’ll only fix a small portion of them, but we know that part of the christmas episode is dealing with that and that’s what kicks off the route to the actual reunion so it’s hardly the most out there thing to suggest that they’re gonna deal with some shit that’s not entirely related to the baby

i’m sorry you struggle to see how their love is equal, or how aaron is anything other than a victim of robert but… just because that’s how you view it does not mean that that’s the only way to view it or even that it’s the story the show is telling. i’m js.  

[fahrminbrahmin]

ED Questions: nobody asked for this but im bored lmao

1. which eating disorder(s) do you have? 

tbh nobody has said a specific name to me drs just say either ‘eating issues’ or ‘eating disorder’ so ednos?


2. when did you develop your eating disorder?

this is hard to answer bc looking back ive shown signs since ~early teenage years but ive been fully aware of it for about 2-2.5 years


3. are you currently in recovery?

im in therapy, its bought up every other session but i tend to avoid mentioning it so yes and no


4. honestly, do you want to recover?

again, yes and no. I often h a t e feeling like this but?? the pros out way the cons at this point


5. how are you doing today?

unhealthily? great! lol i hit my next gw this week and p much all my cals have been from alcohol lmao healthily? p bad ive only eaten a cruskit and some lettuce & im kinda depressed these past days but hey! idc


6. 5 safe foods?

lettuce! so much lettuce i can easily go through a head a day. honestly, its the only thing i can eat without feeling any semblance of guilt.


7. 5 fear foods?

tbqh, its such a long list everything p much. at the height of my fear of food i saw the word protein and freaked the F out so protein


8. do you count calories?

yeah but im really good at lying to myself about how many calories ive actually eaten lmao


9. what is your max calorie limit?

i say 550, but anything over 250 makes me feel like utter shit but then again, anything makes me feel shit lol


10. what is your height?

5′3″ / 161cm 


11. what is your ultimate goal weight?

it was 49.5kg! but i hit that so its 48.7kg atm itll go down again tho


12. are you trying to lose weight?

absolutely yes


13. have you ever been called “fat”?

honestly i cant even remember if i have or not


14. have you ever been called “too thin”?

ive been called ‘small’ but not too thin. the dream tbh


15. what is your current goal weight?

48.7kgs


16. what was your highest weight?

when i first started weighing myself regularly, 61kgs


17. what was your lowest weight?

49.1kgs


18. do you wish you were back at your lowest weight?

im there rn 


19. does your family know about your eating disorder?

yes, i dont talk to a lot of ppl and p much everyone knows


20. do your friends know about your eating disorder?

yeah, one of my best friends was actually the first person i told


21. do you wish you didn’t have an eating disorder?

yes and no, i hate feeling like this toward myself and food. but ive always hated myself so this is an improvement so its a really happy side effect


22. have any “free foods”?

lettuce!! lettuce lettuce lettuce. and tea


23. how often do you weigh yourself?

every day when i wake up. id say morning but i have a shit sleep schedule lol


24. thinspo or bonespo?

neither tbh im more of a i-have-an-ed-more-to-harm-myself-less-to-be-thin kinda gal


25. biggest problem area on your body?

my chubby chubby cheeks. the great irony is that my ed gave me chipmunk cheeks which hasnt helped any but  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 


26. favourite part of your body?

tbqh i like my waist. its not tiny but its p good imo


27. what kind of results do you want to see?

booooooones!!


28. do you purge?

:/ yeah


29. do you take laxatives?

yes but i have bowel problems anyway so its the constant struggle of do i take the reccomended amount or do i overdose lmao its always overdose


30. how often do you purge?

it goes in cycles, some weeks i purge every day, other weeks its could be 1-2 times a week.


31. do you binge?

by definition, no, but often times ill eat and say to myself its a binge


32. how long have you fasted for?

im SHIT at fasting, probably like 18-19 hours


33. who’s your biggest thinspiration?

hands around thighs really get me. also protruding rib cages thats the dream.


34. favourite eating disorder movie/show/documentary?

none! ive only seen maybe half an ed doc i cant get through one. But! I have a book of stories of girls w/ eds and there was one story about a white/polynesian girl with an ed with identity issues and she was l i t e r a l l y me i still have that book


35. favourite thinspo picture?

again, any pic of fingers touching around thighs. LUV it


36. can you post a photo of yourself/your body?

ive only posted 2 body checks lol, u can see them here


37. how does your eating disorder affect your life?

Im literally obsessed with food nd my body ive isolated myself from everyone/thing in my life and everything i do is a number i h8 it


38. what is your BMI?

currently, 19.1 
39. do you follow a diet?

yeah, as little calories as possible lmao


40. least favourite part about your eating disorder?

most if not all of it? its all i think about


41. has your eating disorder ruined any relationships?

yes? if we group my ed with all my other mental health problems, i isolate myself from everyone i havent seen one of my best friends in over a year so YA


42. do you have a “guilty pleasure” food? what is it?

c h o c o l a t e. it is very much a guilty pleasure lool


43. meanspo or sweetspo?

not about the whole concept tbqh


44. does anyone else in your life have an eating disorder?

the saddest part, most women i know have expressed r admitted to doing some really shitty stuff to themselves in order to be thin


45. ever been inpatient? 
/ 46. ever been outpatient? / 47. ever been in residential care? / 48. ever been in a psych ward?

nah but ive been threatened with it


49. are you currently in therapy?

yeah, individual therapy and DBT


50. what did you eat today?

a cruskit, 1 gummy lolly, ~4 leaves of lettuce and 3 glasses of wine lmao


51. are you scared about the holidays?

yes bc ill make a pavlova and ofc im gonna eat it rip :/


52. are your family/friends supportive?

kind of, if im in a healthy mind set i know they care but dont really know how to go about it. but they let me do a lot of shitty things to myself


53. have any other mental illnesses?

’severe social anxiety’, emotional disregulation, depression, maybe avpd and/or bpd?


54. looking for ana buddies?

nopenopenope ill never encourage this


55. what is your current weight?

as of this morning: 49.1kgs

[bernicefitcpt-blog]

My first Sprint Triathlon Experience

I could probably count on one hand how many times I trained for each sport event leading to the weeks that I put on that tight one piece. Not that I didn't take the training seriously, but that's what my time allowed for me to do. Just so freakin' happy that I did finished my first triathlon event.... AND LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT! ... And gotta love those automatic PR's: 1:31:33

Morning of : 

SETTING UP:Found a spot in the 2nd row of the racks next to a Brazilian lady #55 who looked like she knew what she was doing, and another nice lady named Brenda who helped me a ton! First, she did mention to keep a narrower space for myself in case someone wanted to come next to me. So i did. Then another lady came super close to my front tire with her stuff. She looked a little more nervous. And even Leanne, the lady who checked me in came by and said hi to me! She said she's been doing tri's since her late 20s and she’s now 60! You go mama! She looked like early 40s. Dang, I wanna me like that! So i'm feeling super NEWBIE status and I'm here looking like a lost child haha. I asked Brenda if theres a certain way she sets up her transition area and yup! Makes sense. Place it in the order you'll be using it. 

Heres a pic of it:

Here are some things I wish I knew: Bring something I could step into to rinse my feet. Maybe a stool would help? Have my phone ready to go on my bike. Stretch your hamstrings and hip flexors with the ball and foam roller more.     And a huge thing: having a running belt! Since i knew i had to run with my number on me, I took my lululemon fanny pack strap and attached my number to it. Brenda was the one who told me I didn't need to put my number on yet as I was practicing putting my pins on haha. So thank God i had that. Or else I would be fidgeting with it. 

SWIM:

Training: Thinking back to my first time ever competitive swimming event at the Honolulu Triathlon (Sprint - 750m), it made me want to practice this more than anything else. I really thought this might be the hardest part for me during the actual race day. The last time I had am actually in person swimming lesson was when I was like 5? Lol so, I read my books (usually the most confusing bc I need to visualize everything), watched some YouTube videos, and observed swimmers as I went to Palolo Valley Swimming pool. After discovering this pool that was only 5 min from my gym, I went a total of 3 times to practice on my swim! Each time I would do at least 600m, just to practice harder than my actual race length. One time I got 700m in the 40 min I decide to swim. You don't realize how much of a workout swimming actually is! One of the biggest lessons I learned is to STAY CALM. In the midst of putting my body in a mild hypoxic state where you're not breathing as you normally would. "THE BREATH IS SO IMPORTANT" - seriously cereal! As a Yoga teacher and personal trainer that starts with talking about the breath and diaphragmatic breathing, I realized that without this, we are nothing! Well, not nothing, but we are more likely to get anxious and if so consistent, could lead to depression! No good! 

Anyway, back to the swim training!  I also swam in open water like twice only, but next time think I should do more because the ocean water vs pool water is like night and day difference. From the breathing technique to just the extra resistance you get from the thickness of the water, current, and waves, I'll definitely be swimming more in open water. Elenor, the nice older lady who's retired from doing like idk 20 or 40 ( i just know a lot lol) of triathlons, she said the same thing, especially 2 days before the race which was the last time I swam to train. 

Day of:

Favorite part!! (Surprisingly!) I was probably most excited for this because I saw how working on my technique since the HNL TRI has worked for me!! As I jumped into the water to swim to the buoys to start, i started feeling a little like "sea sick." Never felt that before going into a swim. We had 3 min to swim to the buoys bc i was on the 2nd heat! (Go orange swim caps! Pink would have matched me but i wouldve had to be doing the relay. Lol i would mention this bc my color theme was black, grey, and bright pink haha)   Ran into fewer ppl this time at the start. Thank God! Being kicked in the face and swam on my legs isn't a joy. Mma in the water anyone? Haha During the swim, I was just focusing on breathing technique and continuing to swim without stopping. OH! and making sure i was swimming in a straight line to my destination. I was actually done in what felt to me was a quick 12 min and 44 seconds. I still had energy to run barefoot to the transition area! Yeeee! Haha

TRANSITION: should have not messed with my phone and trying to put it in my ziplock bag to put in my back pocket haha. Oh well. Lesson learned! I will need to get one of those bike phone things. Also my bluetooth didn't connect to my phone and fitbit. But i put my phone and fitbit on for my bike and run.

BIKE 

Training: I purchased my bike only like at the end of July from a guy that didn't need it anymore for super cheap in comparison what they normally go for. Thanks facebook marketplace! Lol! So i was told to get clips for the pedals and to get specific tri shoes. Went to the Bicycle Shop first to let them check my bike out. Turns out that my tires were extremely flat! I get one of these . I rode it for 3 miles before that around Kapiolani park to just get used to it. Also used for maybe only 2 miles at Lanikai. Felt normal to me, but hey... what do i know! I felt so accomplished just doing that! Went to Boca Hawaii  to get those. I had no idea that i actually had to put the clips on the bottom of the shoes. Learned a lot from the chick who didn't even bike but helped me to pick out the shoes and clips. It was then i realized this is not going to be a cheap sport. $120 tri shoes, $55 clips. Then i checked out the biking gear. Got myself my tri one piece. The girl (forgot her name)told me ppl like it bc it gives less room for drag or something like that. I got the small so it was skin tight. Plus i thought maybe i would lose weight if i trained more. $150. Thankfully i got the friends of Boca discount.     

Brought myself to Ko Olina to practice with my clips. I was told by a friend and also the girl working at Boca. "Yah. You're going to fall." And me in my head: “Nah. I know how to ride a bike.” Best believe, put on clip in for the first time. Then BOOM. Fell over on the side i put my one clip in! Even the Ko Olina security asked me if I was ok. Haha. Felt super comfy with it. Riding fast is fun! Just my butt hurts after a while sitting. Did 3 miles that day too. The next time i biked, ran, and swam at Ala Moana it wasn’t that far.  My last time practicing riding was half the course of the actual. Went to Kahala area to diamond head and around Monsarrat. Learned I shouldn't stop when charging a hill. Had to test out my gears and go on a hill. One of the scariest parts for me is trusting all the cars around me to not run me over. Single lanes for a car and bike freak me out. I now know how a biker feels with cars speeding up next to him or her. Im like 1. Don’t fall 2. Don’t fall. 3. Don’t get hit. Thank God for helmets! Thankfully i didn't fall or get hit this time. Lol! 

Day of: I learned so much!! Felt fast from my swim and ready to bike like a wild woman lol. Took long deciding whether to put my phone in my back pocket in a zip lock or int pouch. Big no no bc it cost me some time!  Kind of slow getting my clips in the bike after reviewing some of the footage Rich uploaded of me. But once i was off, I was off! They had huge blue signs with black arrows which showed me where to go. One of the most challenging parts was avoiding the potholes on the road in the quick turns in the neighborhood. Here's the bike path:  

My favorite part of biking was riding down the hill on kilauea ave. I figured out to change my gears on the hills which wasn't so bad dafter all. It actually felt faster than 46 min. The hardest part was going up Monsarrat. I'm so glad that we had the whole road to ourselves so we don't need to worry about getting run over. Cops blocked traffic every time they would see a bike coming. I was so glad to come to the finish line and see Rich there recording me and cheering. I slowly got off my bike because the inside of my thighs and upper hamstrings were done. It felt like i was coming off a long ride off a horse.

RUN:

Training: i would practice a slow jog after practicing on the stationary bike to "condition" my legs. This was not nearly enough to simulate how it would actually feel on race day but what did I know! I never biked more than 6 miles outside. Only about 14 miles inside on a stationary bike then to a .7 to 1 mile jog walk. Nope! Not like it! 

At the transition: I put my Lululemon socks on, already had my number on from the bike transition, and put on my favorite Hoka running shoes. Put on my Lululemon Visor and BAM! I was off! 

Day of: i haven't hurt that much starting a jog/run. To motivate me, the little girl who was 11 old passed me up with her mom! At first, i passed her but maybe into the first mile i felt soooo uncomfortable. I felt restricted  so i unzipped the front of my one piece tri suit. Ahhhh... homer simpson status?! Lol Just wanted to get to the finish line but enjoying my last few moments of my first tri! When I ran, i felt like I could think more clearly. Talked to myself a lot to motivate myself. What was going on in my head?! Thought about how grateful I was to God for giving me these abilities to do a triathlon"Are you pushing yourself the most you could!?" I sped up. All the way to the finish line. Pretty much a sprint with my legs hurting already. Saw Rich yelling, and BOOM! Didn't slow down til I was past the finish line! At the end, i went to the booth to get my shirt - which was my medal. About 10 minutes later I saw my friend Milli and then about 20 minutes later I saw my brother, mom, sis in law, baby nephew, and their dog. It was so great to have them all there! 

After: In about 30 min to 45 min I checked the scores. It said I placed 3rd. So during the awards, they called my age group (25-29 yo) and the 3rd place winner. It wasn’t me! So I thought, it’s okay. I didn’t place. Then they said on the mic, “In 2nd place, Bernice Aurellano!” I was pretty shocked. Came home with a cool successory too! Earrings! Check it out: 

Definitely doing it again. Actually, just signed up for my next triathlon sprint this coming Sunday! Excited to see what my body, mind, and spirit are capable of doing this time around. To the Ko Olina Race we go! 

Picture of my fam afterwards: 

The traditional FINISH LINE photo! LOVE LOVE LOVE the feeling of getting through to the finish line! 

Check out this awesome Video - posted on instagram @BerniceFitCPT and Youtube - created by my love, Rich! 

Until next time.... I’ll tell you about my 2nd experience! 

Aloha,

Bernice