#Ill delete this later when we figure out my name because i think it's a funny idea

[which-qsmp-egg-would]

It occurs to me. Should we make a name for me? I haven't thought of what name people would call me on here (and for the sake of the bit, I'm not wanting to use my main's name. It doesn't fit the theme)

I don't know, what do you all call me?

(I'm very okay with silly suggestions)

[marinazone]

What's been bugging my brain recently

Boy oh boy where do I start. Well I suppose I'll start with a little bit of context. Hi! My name is Hunter (if you never knew my real moniker, not many do even if i tell them); and I have been in a disastrous...what could only be described as love illness, since February 28th. Before i explain why (if you dont already know) allow me to provide my full experience with love. When i was in 12th grade i was used as rebound for a girl named Nicole after her boyfriend had broken up with her. It was the first time i had ever gotten to feel love, the expectations of what i should expect were to be established from then forward. We talked a lot asked eachother how we were doing shared similar interests that kinda shit. It was cool, the sex was lukewarm at best but it felt nice to feel appreciated. Thats when her emotional manipulation began. She would be in low points that i attributed to depression. I always told her "go get help for your depression, itll only get worse" all of which she militantly ignored to the point where she told me she was being physically abused by her family. Naturally, stupid me, believed her and grew more and more attached and protective and i didnt find out til after we split up that she was full of horse shit. It was during this point that she would take opportunities when she was "moody" to punch me across the face. Why did i take that shit? I dont know! I guess i was too fucking scared to lose someone i was attached too. Two years passed and i realize she started to ditch me to hang with some dude named Paul and was cheating on me for months. I finally asked firmly if she was and she admitted it, playing sap. I was devestate for about three months afterward. I had planned to kill myself numerous times but always remembered how much my friends would miss me. It was during this time around 2013 that i took up a habit of walking a mile to a nearby bridge on a "private walk" over an artificial lake to just gaze into and get lost in what seemed like infinite thought. I eventually got over her, but only after deleting all contact with her.

Second is someone online i will just call Saber. A very basic ass relationship. No emotional fulfillment for me and only sexting. He was a bit different in abuse in that it was more a financial abuse than anything else. He relied on me to pay for his ffxiv game and subscription and shit cause he didnt live in NA and i didnt see a cent back. The separation was far more a fade then burning out. We just stopped talking and i stopped giving once i realized i was being used

And the third ex is actually criminally dangerous so i will avoid any details at all about them! Just know theyre in jail still i think and they dont know my address

So we arrive more recently, I dont want to use exact names as im still in contact with them and are (presumably) friends and i do not wish to expose information given in confidence. I will just be using first initials as follow: A, B, T, and W.

So it began with a message I'd received from B (all this was when i was freyacrescentshangover on here). He messaged me because we were into the same shit and asked if i wanted to rp. I figured sure! Why not! Well he was pretty chill and nice and i would eventually tell him i had a crush on him. He said "its cool we have similar fetishes but lets just stay friends for now ok?"

It didnt upset me to much. Then W entered my life and boy is she a treat (not sarcastic, mostly). She contacted me for much the same reason. We were into similar shit. We'd spend a lot of time back and forthing this stuff and getting to know eachother and then i finally told her i had a crush on her and her answer is something to keep in mind for later. She didnt say yes, but she didnt say no. She told me things such as ne being cute and how she enjoyed how we had similar kinks and said she'd be down to be more flirty sometimes. I had no fucking idea what this meant (No offense W) so I was more just in a state of confusion where our relationship was. As for why i admired her? She was passionate. Her interests were so emblazoned on her soul that is was visceral just being in a conversation (still is to an extent). Yet she's also so cool and mysterious. It felt like she was someone i had to learn about, someone that i could listen to their passions for hours in complete awe and admiration. Thats still what i admire about her to this day i suppose, but ill get onto that more in a bit.

This was also around the same time i had developed a crush on A. A is super cool and chill even to this day. Never afraid to be herself or says what she feels and that is truely admirable. She'd contacted me because, once again, we were into similar fetishes. We did the old exchange weird stuff and talk until i noticed she, by complete fucking cosmic coincidence, lived in the same town as me. You guessed it! Got a crush on her. This rejection breaks the mold a bit though in that she reciprocated the feelings but felt she was in to many relationships and couldnt provide me the emotional support i needed. Didnt bother me too much.

Well, that is until a couple months later A and her wife formed triad with W. It felt so.....bad if im being honest. I feel guilty to say it and i am really happy for them still! But there's always been a part of me since then that sorta felt......jealous? Short changed? I dont know, its hard to find a word for it. Its like when you taste something super fucking sour but you like expected it to be sweet. My self worth sorta plummeted from it all. Like i just wasnt enough for them..

Cut to later and i met T. Shes super sweet and funny and boy i got a crush on her too! She got into contact with me because......you guessed it! Similar fetishes! It feels like im just gifted with a power that lets people confide their weird fetishes with me. When i told her she told me essentially "Same fetishes dont like you that way".

Now we cut from 3 years ago to a month ago. I get feelings spurring up again for T and W (Probably A too but after how this goes I dont wanna be crushed ever again). I tell T first i have a crush on her. She says something similar to before but elaborates that romantic feelings are very hard for her to obtain. Then I tell W again. She says "We have similar fetishes and thats cool but i dont like you that way". For some fucking reason, this was an emotionally devastating breaking point for me and im not sure why. i got over T in like two days. W on the other hand? Were a month strong in and I still cant stop being depressed about it all. What happened here? What went different here? Was it because of the awkward response id receive years ago? Was it the jealousy-like feelings i still harbored? Is it just because i wanted to hear more about her and her interests and passions hidden under that cool (and sexy) exterior like i had before? I dont know. Probably never will. Likely a combination of all those though.

So here I am, on this weird precipice of loneliness, ready to die any second because my self worth doesnt seem to improve no matter what I do (and ive been doing a ton lately). Will I be able to work up the courage to take another final shot at A? Probably not, my body can't take another hit like that. Atleast not so soon. Will I ever get over W? Im not sure. The last time i felt this bad was with Nicole and I had to cut all contact with her to feel better, but the thought of doing that with W makes me even more sick. Maybe I'm just SOL and my emotional and mental stability doomsday clock is finally reaching midnight (sure hope not! I have Marinas to bully!).

Apart from all this, with how spurred i feel and such. I find it harder and harder to get out of bed every day. To do the things i like keeping myself healthy. Eating. Showering. To live. And yet I move.

[insertdisc5]

Hi!! I wanted to ask, in celebration of Deltarune CH. 2, do you have any updated thoughts and head canons about the game?? Like, y'know, similar to a previous ask about Kris in your Deltarune tag? Thanks!

thoughts on kris part 2 i guess???? (part 1 from ch1 here lol)

spoilers for deltarune like woah. this wont be kris focused just random thoughts on everything. thank you for giving me the opportunity to talk

not that many thoughts for this chapter tbh! EDIT LOL: this was a lie i have a lot of thoughts

-just in general i feel like the player isn't the only one controlling kris... like yes the player forced kris to do what happened in the snowgrave route but AT THE SAME TIME idk it feels like there's someone else too. just because of the terrifying voice i suppose. and also the jerky movement kris does every time they get their soul out? unless there's another reason for it... maybe getting your soul out means you walk weird lol

-BUT ALSO i feel like kris is 100% in control when they create fountains. idk it just makes sense kris would create them. to create another world, a better world, A WORLD WHERE THEIR BROTHER IS HERE PERHAPS? i do wonder why they get their soul out then though. i'm all for it sweetie! do whatever! i support you!

-(i am and will be playing deltarune with only kris' best interests in mind. i will not hurt anyone unless kris wants me to. dont worry my little meow meow im on your side! talk to me! no? okay ill stay under the sink its fine)

-speaking of asriel. SUMMER VACATION COLLEGE WHEN? SUMMER VACATION COLLEGE WHEN? SUMMER (starts crying) V-VACATION COLLEGE WHEN

-kris misses their brother so much it's so sad. if you make kris steal 5$ from asriel they take it "reluctantly"? talking to asriel online so often even alphys knows?? the google search?? GOING INTO ASRIEL'S GOOGLE SEARCH ROOM WITH THEIR EYES CLOSED BECAUSE THEY'RE CONVINCED THEY ALREADY KNOW WHATS IN THERE? THAT ONE IS LESS OF A MISSING THING BUT IM LIKE OH MY GOD

-the city walk with susie at the end makes it clear to me that kris really values susie's friendship... kris even sits with her if you spend long enough near the lake like aaaaah ;_;

-and even in snowgrave you spend your last acts with the final boss calling for your friends like YES there's a way bigger creepy aspect to this (kris as more of a Leader who Commands and commands their subjects to come) but still :'0 (and then noelle answers oh my god noelle im so sorry for the trauma)

-berdly. listen. listen. listen. liste

-berdly sucks but [berdly hurts his arm in the battle against queen if you don't save him because he doesnt want to hurt you] [berdly realizing smg's wrong in snowgrave and immediately taking steps to save noelle] berdly is my little crumb nugget. i will protect him.

-noelle. noelle. girlboss!

-like ooooh listen. hearing about the genocide path for undertale. made me go "that is SO COOL. i HAVE to experience it myself this is great. hehehe killing time" and like no regrets. i was fully enjoying the experience knowing i was an awful person. SNOWGRAVE THOUGH. i will never try this myself its too fucked up. casually grooming your childhood friend to murder people <3 and also acting like a weird stalker towards her <3 stockholm syndrome speedrun i will get all the info i can about this but i will never do this myself

-people remarking the kris/player>noelle relationship is similar to the relationship between player>chara in genocide path is like yes. chefs kiss. don't worry we just are making you stronger and everything will be fine "you made me kill my friend? and for what?" this is fine sweetie don't worry about it!!!!!!

-like the amount of details added to snowgrave, like if you equip noelle's watch she notices later? and her battle animations change as time goes on, she gets an ice shield and stops sighing in relief after battle? oh my god? oh my god.

-(berdly is not awake.) JUST KILL ME RIGHT HERE I HAVEN'T STOPPED THINKING ABOUT BERDLY NOT BEING AWAKE!!!!!

-also why didnt he turn into dust. so many possible reasons. is magic a thing in the normal world and perhaps no magic means no dust (theres graves). maybe he isnt dead. maybe hes braindead. maybe he'll come back. either way that boy is now in the closet big enough to put someone in

-also dess' name probably being december AND THATS WHY NOELLE LOST THE SPELLING BEE?!?!??! FUCK ME UP!!!!! JUST FUCK ME UP!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!

-also so many good pixel art this chapter. too many? i didnt need pixel art of cardboard noelle falling on the statue. like thank you but please. please it hurts my game artist brain.

-the expressions in this chapter were also top notch. all the unsettling noelle expressions like (i fall over face first)

-i threw away the ball of junk (which i already tried in ch1) and this time the game was like "ARE YOU SURE BC THIS IS A BAD IDEA" and kris felt bitter :'( (it deletes all your items in the dark world)

-i uh fucked up and skipped the susie+noelle scene bc listen last time ralsei mentionned seeing what susie is doing we missed some PRIMO LORE. turns out it just makes you skip the scene and you dont get anything new. welp

-speaking of ralsei well you know. he exists. but im stuck on him going "i just wonder what being ralsei-like even is...?" ralsei my dude there's so much i could say about this. do you feel like you can't be ralsei-like because you feel like you have to be asriel-like

-but also that makes no sense bc susie hasnt even mentioned ralsei looks like asriel. and i cant imagine asriel being so meek. so WHAT GIVES

-ralsei as kris’ “i wish i was a monster just like my bro and family and i’d look like asriel but with red horns [THE HALLOWEEN COSTUME] and my name would be something cool like ralsei instead of a boring human name like kris and im sweet and cute because thats how i act with asriel because ASRIEL MADE ME” theory because that would be cute.

-ASRIEL GOING TO THE CHURCH TO CONFESS HIS "SINS" WHEN "SINS" AREN'T A THING IN THE ANGEL BELIEF LIKE I KNOW THIS INTERACTION WAS TREATED AS A JOKE BUT WHAT THE FUCK ASRIEL?

-kris definitely has a connection with the big red door in the city, judging by what the kids say they probably went there... i feel like this place's dark world will be the Final Dungeon you KNOW some shit happened there. also the sounds you hear when you go there is the phone dark world call's sound slowed down? AND AFTER SNOWGRAVE APPARENTLY YOU CANT HEAR IT ANYMORE? HUWAH?

-speaking of songs the songs were all so good, My Castle Town rules, the berdly snowgrave music is stuck in my head, flashback is uwah wuahah, Until Next Time is so good, AND ALSO A FRIEND NOTICED THE DARK WORLD CITY THEME IS JUST tHE SONG 74 (MOST NOTICEABLE WITH THE SNOWGRAVE VERSION)?????? WHAT DOES IT MEAN????? it might be just "hey its just reuse" BUT MR FOX YOU KNOW WE'RE GONNA READ INTO THIS IS NOELLE THE ONE SINGING IDK BRO!!!!!!!!!!

-asgore dreemurr fired from the force what happun!!!!! game theory is that asgore is related to dess' death/disappearance but eh who knows

-you start the chapter at lvl2 and get to lvl3 after the final boss, a friend mentioned this is probably because we destroyed a world and im :0

-to go back to kris it's still so interesting to figure out who they are based on how they act/people mention them. like kris shaking the ferris wheel car? yeah makes sense i can imagine a pranking kid do this. kris' dance? yeah thats a little silly but i can buy it. doing cool anime poses? well i dunno this doesnt line up PERFECTLY but sure. BUT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN SNOWGRAVE... especially >proceed like that is such a weird thing that i can't imagine them doing, but i can't completely see the "player" doing either (compare with going to sans -which kris doesnt know- and going "SANS!" because of course the player would know sans), like THATS one of the reasons i feel like there's someone else in there. the weird robotic merciless actions. if im going super meta it feels like there'd be someone else like writing the choices into existence for us to pick you know? gaster probably? god i need to read more gaster theories i completely sidestepped the gaster shit bc i wasnt interested. anyway just spitballing

-(looks at big shot guy) please dont make him the next tumblr guy i beg you

-obligatory "queen was great" mention if only because this part made me laugh a little bit too hard

that was a lot. thank you for letting me talk

[stuckylibrary]

Group Ask 188

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Please reply to this post if you know one of the fics mentioned in this ask. Thank you so much in advance!

Anonymous 1 asked:

hi!! thank you so much for having this amazing place to find fics and recs yall are absolutely angels :)) ive been having trouble finding this fic and ive been looking for days and its one were modern bucky is army affiliated and him and the howlies show up and help the avengers fight this female villain and take the weapon she used to control them back to the army as a favor to a general instead of handing it to the avengers? i distinctly remember bucky sniping the ground in front of steve ty!!

Anonymous 2 asked:

So, can you help me find an au stucky fic where Steve is a copy and Bucky keeps trying to make their sex life kinky but it never works out. But then he forgets to pay for something and Steve spanks him for it. And Bucky realises how kinky Steve can be. Please tell me if you find that fic.

Anonymous 3 asked:

Hello I'm looking for a fic please, it was a Oneshot, ABO, with OmegaBucky who is gonna start his heat in Wakanda, so Shuri calls Steve.He is worried bc Buck didnt call him but remembers his kiss with Sharon, so he explains Buck that kiss was just to make him jeaous, that he is the only 1 he loves. So they spend the heat together. In the epilogue Steve smells Buck & founds he's pregnant. I think it was just recently deleted or something bc it was in my bookmarks but its no there no more.

Anonymous 4 asked:

this is such a long shot but 3 yrs ago, i got a tattoo in russian saying принадлежать, or “to belong”. its from a fic (tws era) i read where tony snarkily asks a recently un-brainwashed, still very traumatised bucky sth like “what would YOU know about desire, what do you want most in life then?” & bucky says “to belong” in russian (then dramatically exits). i couldnt find the fic anymore for the exact phrase when i was getting tatted. if anyone can, ill be forever indebted. lots of love.

Anonymous 5 asked:

Hey! I’m looking for a modern au fic. This might be a long shot, since I don’t remember much else from the fic. But there was a scene where Bucky and Rumlow were exes and Rumlow had Bucky’s cat so they snuck into his apartment to get it back.

Anonymous 6 asked:

Hey! There’s a fic I’m looking for, it’s was pre war,& Bucky & Steve were pining after each other. Repressed feelings& all that. I can only remember one scene from it. Bucky had a date with a girl& they went back to her place to hook up, & I vividly remember she said “we can have sex but you ain’t going in the front door” so they did anal, & Bucky was like wow okay. & then while having sex w her he was like holy shit I could do this with Steve 👀 & then couldn’t think straight around Steve after

Anonymous 7 asked:

hi, do you guys know the name of this fic where steve and bucky get into an argument and bucky goes to hide out at a friend's apartment. steve and iron man then break down the friend's apartment door later cause steve thinks bucky might be in danger. steve is definitely cap, but bucky might be a modern bucky. thank you!

scottiemp4 asked:

howdy friends, i was wondering if you could help me out. i’m looking for a fic with injuried/kidnapped steve. i remember steve was at the Raft or something similar, maybe Hydra? anyways he had been experimented on and had surgery preformed on him while awake and other crazy stuff. when the team found him it was sam and tony who went in and sam was freaking out bc he though steve was gonna die and they couldn’t figure out how to move him bc his back was fucked up. thank you so much!

Anonymous 8 asked:

I'm looking for a fic where Bucky works at a hospital (maybe mount sinai, ny?) while Steve is in the army. They used to be either together or even married but then they broke up because Steve had re-enlisted without even telling Bucky (who found out about it a few days before Steve had to leave again maybe?) and in the end they get back together. xxxx

Anonymous 9 asked:

first: thank you for all the work you do with this blog! second: i'm looking for a fic but i don't remember much at all so it might be too vague. 1) steve and bucky become guardians of natasha 2) possibly a "both are winter soldier" situation or something, i think they saved nat from red room, and they go on missions 3) i think they pretend they're "normal" but natasha knows they're not? (at least some of it is natasha pov) hope you can help!

butterybones asked:

Hey I’ve been looking for this fic where Bucky has one arm and gets jumped after going to a bar, so Steve takes care of him for a few days and Steve’s dog had been stealing Bucky’s newspaper? Any help would be appreciated!

padsandmoonyagainsttheworld asked:

Hey I don’t have much to go on but there’s a fic where Tony and Bucky don’t get along cuz Tony thinks Bucky should’ve held out against the torture like he did until they find a file or something of what happened to Bucky and then Tony says something like “What they did to me was not that” and he forgives Bucky. Do you have any idea what I’m talking about lol?

Anonymous 10 asked:

Hiya! I'm looking for a story where steve comes out at pride, he tells the crowd he loved bucky but never said and a few years later when bucky comes back steve goes to pride again and tells the crowd he's too chicken to say anything. Thanks anyone who might be able to help!

rosegoldyves asked: /others

hi, so I’ve been looking for a long time but couldn’t find the fic where Bucky finds stucky fanfic and starts considering a relationship with Steve but Steve takes time warming up. They move to a house together but their relationship seems to go nowhere since Steve is hesitant to reciprocate so Bucky starts seeing this other guy. Sorry if I am bungling up the premise.

ohmyshax asked:

Hi there! I need help finding a fic -- I've tried so many searches on AO3, using different search parameters, but no luck. It's a short WW2 oneshot. Outsider POV (didn't see it in your tags tho) of a soldier freaking out when his Sergeant (Bucky) disagrees with a visiting Captain America. He later finds out, after the others arrive, that Bucky is part of the Howlies, and that he was only there to train the POV character to take over as sergeant. Hope you know it. Thank you for the help!

[cade-flrt]

[🪐] WHEN SHE LOVED ME

─────────────────────

pairing. marcia x cherry

desc. where your soulmate’s name appears on your wrist once they’ve fallen in love with you, which only you and your soulmate can see

type. oneshot, song fic, soulmate au, angst

warnings. mention of death, illness

notes. nothing rlly except i hope y’all enjoy :))) based off the song when she loved me also this is a repost bc i deleted the last one by accident LMFAO

“when somebody loved me,”

whistling a soft tune with her eyes closed, marcia sat leaning against the fence of her front porch steps. she was watching the orange and red colours fall down south as the deep blue started to take over, slowly but surely.

it was a routine, at this point. to watch the sun set and to watch the redhead pass by her house each and every time.

sometimes they shared small glances, sometimes even smiles— but sometimes marcia just admired her, for a few seconds without the girl even noticing.

marcia got lost in thought thinking about her, and as if heaven above was listening to her, she heard the familiar footsteps walking by on the concrete pavement.

she quickly raised herself slightly, peering over the edge to get a peak at the girl as if she was some famous celebrity. marcia let out a small ‘tsk’ at herself, she’ll think your a weirdo. but then, she heard the familiar footsteps walking closer.

“hello!” the redhead stood in front of marcia, raising a small hand to wave. “i’ve noticed you looking at me for these past few months?” it was intended to be a statement, marcia could tell, but it came out more like a question.

“well it takes two to tango,” marcia replied simply which left the girl across from her confused. she crossed her arms and her hip was stuck out slightly.

“meaning?”

“you gotta be lookin’ at me too to see me lookin’ at you.”

she thought about it for a while, then a look of finality coming up on her face. “fair enough.” she said simply, going to sit next to marcia on the porch steps.

she felt her heartbeat quicken as the cotton of her sweater brushed against her shoulder, she was sitting so close.

“i’m sherri, but my friends call me cherry—“ sherri, or shall we say cherry, started introducing herself before marcia interrupted her.

“because of your hair? yeah figured,” she shrugged with a half smile on her face. usually, cherry would be mad at someone for interrupting her but instead this time she just let it go and decided not to mention it.

“yeah... you go to my school to something?” cherry asked, raising a singular eyebrow with pursed lips.

marcia let out a small sigh, “probably. but i could just tell, because your hair’s red, cherry’s are red... y’know... 2 + 2 = 4.” she replied playfully. she did know the cherry girl went to her school, marcia always saw her about.

“yeah i get it, no need to get smart...” cherry trailed off as she realised she didn’t know the brunette’s name. marcia probably would’ve answered quicker if she didn’t catch herself staring in her eyes.

marcia soon realised the situation and snapped back to reality, “marcia, the name’s marcia.”

cherry nodded, then standing up. “well marcia, i’ll best get going. my folks will be worried if i don’t get home soon, i’ll see you around yeah?”

“sure.”

“everything was beautiful,”

it was a few weeks later, marcia and cherry had gotten to talking and they soon became quite close friends. marcia enjoyed having cherry around, she always managed to put a smile on her face.

marcia stood, watering the flowers in her backyard as she was listening to the faded music playing from the record player playing from inside her house. she loved her flowers and other variety of plants, they made her happy every time she saw their beauty.

just like cherry, she thought with a small smile as she continued to pour more water without even thinking about it. she got lost in thought thinking about her new friend.

lord, how she hated that word.

“mar?”

marcia’s head perked up at the sound of the soft voice calling from beside her. “oh— cherry, you’re here.”

“yeah, just in time it seems too.” cherry chuckled a little, taking the green watering can from marcia to stop her from over watering the plants; though it seemed to be a little too late for that.

“you wanna go somewhere?” marcia asked, dusting off her hands on the light yellow skirt she was wearing. it protected her legs from the slight spring breeze.

“nah, let’s just sit here. watch the clouds or something cheesy like that.” cherry flashed her a wide grin, walking over slightly to lay down on the grass as marcia followed.

marcia felt the grass poke at her bare arms and back, inhaling the fresh air. “that one looks like a dinosaur.” she pointed at a cloud in the sky.

“hm, i’m not sure. i think it looks more like a car,” cherry disagreed, her head tilting to the side as her blue-green eyes examined the cotton like clouds above.

“and i think you need glasses if that’s what you see!” marcia exclaimed, sitting up on her elbows raising her eyebrows.

cherry giggled, slapping the other girl’s arm playfully. “art is subjective!” she reasoned in a higher pitched voice than usual.

“this ain’t art, this is just clouds?” marcia said, but it came out more as if it was supposed to be a question. she looked down at the redhead beside her, who was just staring up at the sky.

“well, i don’t know. i think you can find art in anythin’ and everything, beauty in anythin’ and everything. like these clouds; they’re beautiful, art-like— i mean look at that one! it looks like it was shaped perfectly by someone.” cherry explained her point of view which left marcia thinking about it for a while, and she ended up with the conclusion that she agreed.

marcia just then noticed that ever since she met cherry, everything was beautiful to her. or she could find the best parts in everyone and everything, guess that’s just cherry’s effect on people, is what she thought.

“every hour that we spent together,”

cherry sang a small song under her breath as she sat in front/underneath of marcia, who was sitting on her own bed. marcia ran her hand through cherry’s hair, then following it up with a brush. “can i do your hair?”

cherry just hummed as a small confirmation. at this sound, marcia continued and started braiding it into a singular braids. “your hair is so soft,” she commented with a small sigh.

“there’s a reason i take so long in showers.” cherry responded simply with a small shrug as she then stretched over to grab her notebook and started drawing something.

“what you drawin’?”

“just a little something.”

“should i be scared?” marcia asked, half joking half serious with a nervous laugh as she grabbed a band and tied the auburn locks at the end.

“no, don’t worry,” cherry shook her head. “plus if it was something bad, i’d be here to protect you.” she turned around to face the brunette and winked.

“wow, not scared no more!” marcia raised her voice a little and even marcia herself couldn’t tell if she was being sarcastic or not.

she always felt safe with cherry around, as if nothing could touch her.

only cherry and her against the world.

just her and her best friend.

there was that word again.

friend.

“lives within my heart,”

marcia coughed into the handkerchief that she was holding in her hand. when she moved it away from her mouth, she noticed one thing and one thing only; it was stained with red.

a small gasp left her lips, the sight making her frown. “that can’t be good...”

“what can’t be good?” the same voice she had heard each and every day for the past few months asked.

marcia looked up and quickly crumpled the napkin up and threw it in the trash can, sitting in her room.

she looked down and realised cherry was carrying what looked like a crate filled with a load of varieties of things.

“oh it’s nothing... what’s that for?” marcia pointed to the said crate. she genuinely wanted to know but figured it would also be a good excuse to change the subject.

“oh, i figured we could go to the beach today!” cherry moved on from the past subject, seemingly forgetting it which made tension in marcia lessen.

“sure, sure, i’ll just need to ask my folks—” marcia started but cherry made a ‘mhm’ sound, wagging a finger. cherry placed the crate on the ground, letting her arms rest.

“already asked for you! they said yes, so you don’t really have an option here.” cherry put it simply. she walked over to the bed, dragging marcia along with her as they both fell down onto it. they both sat up straight.

“how funny,” marcia replied nonchalantly but on the inside her heart was beating and her cheeks were visibly heating up.

she never thought anyone would care about her like how cherry cared about her. she never thought anyone would think of her as much as cherry thought of her— or at least, she hoped cherry thought about her as much as she thought about her.

“cherry, you got your soulmate’s name on your wrist yet?” marcia pried, speaking out of nowhere and asking this question out of nowhere.

cherry gulped a little, looking a bit taken aback. she hesitated before answering, “yes..”

marcia’s eyes widened, her jaw dropping as she prodded her on to continue who it was. as cherry didn’t seem to get the memo, she simply grabbed the other girl’s wrist and looked down at the name tattooed in black.

marcia

they both sat there in complete silence for what seemed like centuries. marcia wasn’t quite sure what to feel, and she wasn’t quite sure on what was appropriate to react.

but marcia did know how she herself wanted to react.

marcia pulled cherry into her, connecting their lips almost instantly which made cherry’s eyes widen for a split second. she then relaxed into the kiss as marcia placed her hands on the side of cherry’s face, cherry placing her arms on marcia’s shoulders.

at first, they both didn’t move and just stayed like this but then they both started kissing each other back. their lips fit perfectly together as if they were building pieces that were made for each other, maybe they were. the universe works in funny ways, sometimes.

they both kept kissing each other in silence for what seemed to be hours, not making any other noises other than the smacking of their lips.

so much for a beach trip huh? marcia thought.

“and when she was sad,”

marcia paced back in forth in her room, she was waiting for cherry to get there and was biting her nails anxiously.

“mar? what’s up?” cherry came from behind her, placing a hand on her shoulder. they had made it official only two weeks before, ever since that day marcia kissed her.

“i need to tell you something.”

“cheating on me, already?” cherry joked, but marcia didn’t seem to laugh which made cherry concern. cherry went to sit on the chair that was right next to marcia’s bed. she got more and more anxious the longer marcia put off telling her. “well come on, what is it then?”

marcia quickly but quietly hopped onto her bed, turning to face cherry and shimmied over to the edge of the bed. she held cherry’s hands in hers, almost to comfort her. “i’m sick, sher.”

“oh well that ain’t so bad, why you making such a big fuss over it?” cherry cocked an eyebrow, mistaking the information she just retained as marcia just having the common cold, a fever or worst case scenario; the flu.

“no, no. it ain’t like that,” marcia waved her off, continuing on. “i’m sick, like... badly, gonna be for a long time— hell, maybe even the rest of my life. doc said so, they don’t know what’s wrong with me just yet but they know it ain’t good.”

marcia tried to read the expression on cherry’s face but couldn’t seem to understand. she had no expression, just blankness. it was almost as if she was a blank canvas that was yet to be painted over.

“you gonna die, mar?” cherry finally reacted after the long silence, her voice shaking slightly and she released her hands from marcia’s.

marcia couldn’t tell if she was mad at her, or maybe just shocked. she decided to go with the latter, for her own sanity.

marcia thought about the question long and hard, trying to come up with an exact answer. but even marcia couldn’t answer it, instead she just kept silent.

but silence was a yes to cherry.

suddenly, cherry just stood up and walked out of the room.

“s’ she mad at me?” marcia asked herself in a low whisper. “golly, that’s all i need.”

“i was there to dry her tears,”

marcia had got told by her doctor to refrain from moving about if not necessary and was put on bed rest. she looked different. she was paler, looked almost gray-ish. her nails were brittle, her hair was thinner and there was less of it too.

cherry was there almost every hour of everyday. she made sure of it, and she made sure to look after marcia as best as she could. she would catch marcia up on what was going on at school, since marcia decided to make the decision to drop out.

marcia couldn’t help but feel guilty, as if she was robbing cherry of enjoyment. but cherry swore on the good lord that she didn’t mind, and would rather be there with her girlfriend than out there with randoms.

there’s a word she liked, girlfriend. compared to friend, she liked this word.

but marcia, every time she as much reached out, always noticed something. that her wrist was blank.

whilst cherry’s was stained with (seemingly) black ink that had marcia’s name on it. marcia had nothing on hers, meaning cherry didn’t love her.

“why’s that?” marcia would often find herself wondering.

you’re not good enough.

she likes someone else.

because you can’t do anything but stay in your bed all day.

you’re useless.

all these conclusions often circled around marcia’s mind, but cherry would say that it was a load of garbage and the universe is just playing games.

well that is, if they ever talked about it. they only talked about it once or twice, they didn’t like mentioning it and marcia tried to block it out of her thoughts as well as she could.

“open up!” cherry commanded marcia to do so, which she followed through and opened her mouth slightly. cherry sat beside the bed on the same chair as before, a tray on her lap with a bowl of soup. the spoon filled to the brim with yellow coloured soup found it’s way to marcia’s mouth after some time.

“you know,” marcia started but stopped to finish chewing a piece of chicken, “you don’t gotta feed me, i can do that by myself. i ain’t five.”

cherry just simply rolled her eyes at this statement, “well, yeah. but i like doing it, it makes me happy— don’t you want your girlfriend to be happy?” she gave marcia over exaggerated puppy dog eyes.

“yeah, whatever you want..” marcia gave in, swallowing the piece of chicken. truth is, she had started to lose her sense of taste. as well as her other senses, her sense of hearing was already pretty much gone and don’t even bring up her sense of smell.

god knows what goes next. her sense of touch and sight? well, marcia figured she couldn’t lose her sense of touch just like that but she was rather scared about her sight.

she remembered her doctor saying something about her potentially losing her sight and she felt it coming. her vision was getting worse by the day, becoming more and more blurry.

“you’d still like me if i couldn’t see or anythin’ right?” marcia spoke from out of nowhere, making cherry jump slightly.

cherry looked highly confused and put the bowl of soup and the tray on the ground. she frowned, “yes of course, that won’t change nothing. why?”

“just checkin’.” marcia lied, getting comfortable in her bed. she shifted about slightly, she just couldn’t get comfortable anymore. it was always too warm with the blankets over her, and way too cold without them on her.

her doctor and cherry alike recommended to keep the covers over her, as a lot of the time, marcia couldn’t even tell what her actual body temperature was.

marcia looked over to see cherry painting once more in the small notebook she brought around with her.

marcia was still yet to find out what she was actually painting, but she decided not to bother her.

she quickly found her eyes shutting close almost by herself, a wave of tiredness taking over her mind and body.

but her mind and body suddenly shot awake when she heard quiet sobs coming from beside her. “cherry?”

then, marcia looked up to find cherry sobbing into her hands with the notebook and painting set on the floor. marcia felt very confused on why she was crying. “what’s wrong?”

“it’s just that... you don’t deserve to be locked up here or whatever, it makes me sad y’know..” cherry tried to explain her feelings between sobs, marcia reacted quickly by stretching over to hold cherry in her arms. she hoped she made cherry feel as safe as cherry made her feel.

“it’s alright, don’t worry. it’s not that bad.. anyways, who was i gonna meet out there? the president?” marcia tried to cheer her up with a subtle joke, and it seemed to do the trick. “i got you, and that’s all that matters to me.”

cherry sniffed a few times before nodding, “yeah, i guess you’re right.”

“am never wrong, doll!”

“and when she was happy, so was i,”

“baby, oh baby!” cherry sang along to b-a-b-y by carla thomas, the record that was playing softly in the background. she was dancing about marcia’s room, the doctor had just been, as usual, and just left.

she was trying to cheer up marcia, as she noticed marcia usually felt much more sad when he came around. he wasn’t a bad guy or anything, he just never had any good news for marcia. he had just told them that he and the optician both believe she would be losing her sight much sooner than expected.

“i love to call you baby!” cherry continued to sing. she somehow found a scarf in marcia’s room somewhere and was dancing around with it.

even though marcia felt sad, whenever she saw cherry, she couldn’t help but smile.

it was cheesy, she knows but she doesn’t care.

even though marcia had the gut feeling all the time that cherry truly didn’t love her, she tried to push that deep down into the pits of hell.

“of course she loves me,” marcia mumbled to herself. over the loud music playing, cherry couldn’t hear what she was hearing— and she was far too distracted to notice anyways.

yet, she found herself glancing down at her wrist and winced at the bareness of it. there was still yet no ink to be found, she wondered what she could possibly do.

but then she saw cherry flash that iconic smile, and found herself distracted from all bad thoughts.

“through the summer and the fall,”

“marcia! get up!”

marcia jumped up from the bed at the sound of cherry’s voice shouting through the house. “jesus, cherry. if i wasn’t going to die as it was, i was gonna die of shock.”

“don’t make jokes like that.” cherry stated, in a very serious tone that marcia never heard her use before. she and cherry knew it was true, but they both mutually agreed to not bring it up. marcia was so weak now that she found herself not even being able to get up or get changed on her own, so often it was her mother or cherry helping her.

“i’m driving you!” cherry moved on from the topic quickly, deciding not to talk about it anymore and pretend it never happened.

“to where?”

“does it matter? just around the place. to get fresh air.” cherry answered the question, opening the curtains to get some fresh light in.

“i can get fresh air in here, yknow.” marcia turning to face the window, which cherry was standing right next to as she fixed the curtains.

“a short breeze from the window don’t count,” cherry started looking through her drawers. she pulled out some clothes and threw it towards— or directly at, marcia, (her face to be exact). “get changed.”

“jeez, i’m on it! i’m on it!”

after getting ready, (cherry helping), marcia and cherry were sat in cherry’s car. she was just driving around the place, going through small hills and remote areas. the radio was blasting loudly, and they were quickly driving by the beach.

“we should get a house by the seaside someday, how ‘bout that?” marcia offered, she admired the blues that made up the sea and the tan beiges that made up the sand.

“sure, and if a tsunami come then oh well!” cherry agreed to it, shrugging her shoulders as she tapped the steering wheel along to the beat of the song playing on the radio.

“at least we’ll die in a good house,” marcia shrugged, speaking half seriously and half sarcastically. cherry laughed at her joke, leaning over to give her a kiss on the cheek.

“we had each other, that was all,”

marcia held cherry tight in her arms, as cherry was lying on top of her. she rubbed the back of her head softly, cherry singing soft lullabies.

“i ain’t a baby, you don’t gotta sing no lullaby to me,” marcia chuckled, rolling her eyes as she twirled a part of cherry’s hair with her finger.

“well you’re my baby!” cherry declared, giving a small kiss and marcia fake gagged.

“gross, never say that again!”

“oi, i’m trying to be nice here.” cherry faked a pout, leaning her head into marcia’s chest. she just listened to her heartbeat.

“i’d rather you tell me you want me dead than that.” marcia over exaggerated, which made them both laugh at the statement.

“well then, i want you dead!”

“well, your wish already seems to be granted.” marcia tried to joke along with her again, but cherry just stopped. she was no longer laughing.

“what did i tell you about joking about that?” cherry scolded in the same tone as before, marcia gulped fearfully.

“just she and i together,”

at this point, it had been about 2 years since marcia got sick. marcia couldn’t even leave the bed anymore, she was asleep half of the time and when she was awake she could hardly talk.

and one major thing.

there was still no name on her wrist.

not that she could see it anyways, her vision was completely gone. everything was too blurry snd the world around her was just one big blob.

all she could get out of the world anymore was cherry’s sweet voice beside her, talking about whatever was going on in her life.

“cherry?”

“yes?”

“you love me, right?”

“‘course.”

“you on my wrist yet, then?”

cherry stopped talking, and stopped breathing it seemed like at the question. she knew better than to lie to marcia about something like this, but didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

“don’t lie to me, now..” marcia said, shaking her head as her hands found their way to the sides of her own head in frustration.

“it’s just... i don’t know what’s going on.. maybe the universe is playin’ tricks or somethin’..” cherry tried to reason with marcia, she truly didn’t know what was going on.

“the universe playing tricks? that’s a joke if i ever heard one,” marcia scoffed, which left cherry rather upset. she had never talked like this before, but she decided not to mention it.

“it’s jus—”

“just what? you don’t love me, that’s what!” marcia raised her voice, which almost left cherry in tears at the sound. “you don’t love me! you obviously wanna be with one of those other girls! you don’t want me! you just pity me! well i don’t want your pity!” she shouted, obviously frustrated as her voice cracked at every word.

suddenly, her eyes shut tightly and that made cherry’s heart drop. “marcia!”

“oh calm it, it’s nothin’.” marcia said, her voice croaky as ever. she rolled onto her side so that her back was facing cherry.

cherry was relieved she didn’t just die on her but was still hurt by her words. she stood up and slipped into the bed, wrapping her arms around marcia’s waist.

marcia let out a sigh, she couldn’t stay mad at her much longer. she knew this, she never could stay mad at cherry. well, she never was mad at her in the first place.

“i’m sorry, sher. just frustrated is all,” marcia grumbled, her voice still sounded semi mad but cherry could tell her apology was sincere.

“don’t worry,” was all cherry said in response, planting a small kiss on marcia’s shoulder.

“i love you.” marcia said, she waited for cherry’s response but to no avail. it broke her heart, but she decided to just sleep it off. she’ll be better after some sleep.

“i love you too,” cherry admitted wholeheartedly. but marcia was already in dreamland by that time, so no one but cherry heard it.

if a tree falls in a forest when no one is around, does it really make a sound?

she was being truthful about it— well, she thought she was. cherry took a peek over marcia’s shoulder, to just see the blank wrist.

then it hit cherry. she was afraid of loving someone, and she afraid they were just going to leave her.

not marcia, though.

marcia would never leave me, is what cherry declared.

cherry woke marcia awake, “psst, marcia,” she whispered and just got a hum in response.

“i’m gonna go, okay? bye!” cherry told her in the same cheerful tone and stars yes to get out of the bed.

“not now... don’t say goodbye yet... maybe tomorrow...” marcia replied simply, grabbing cherry to stop her and dragging her back to her original position.

“alright, i’ll say goodbye tomorrow.” cherry agreed with a small smile, not knowing quite what she meant and she happily went to sleep next to marcia.

“like it was meant to be,”

it was the next day, after last night. and cherry had woke up, went back to her house and already walked back to marcia’s.

she walked up to marcia’s room, going to sit in her usual position in marcia’s room.

the chair next to the bed.

“hey mar, wake up.” she shook marcia awake, and even though it took a few times, she awoke eventually.

“oh hey, cherry,” marcia replied. her voice was even more raspy in the morning and cherry loved it. it was the only reason marcia spoke anymore, as speaking put marcia in even more pain but she never told cherry that.

they both sat there, talking about whatever (cherry done most of the talking). soon enough, cherry had pieces of toast and was feeding them to marcia.

“oh cherry, y’know that painting you started a few years back?” marcia recalled, waving her finger around for emphasis.

“yeah?” cherry said her words with a slight laugh, she found it hard to believe she could remember that but couldn’t even remember what she ate of lunch yesterday.

“what was that of?”

“oh just the clouds, y’know the one that we saw that one day? turns out it does look more like a dinosaur!” cherry exclaimed, clasping her hands together as all the pieces of toast were gone.

“told you i was always right,” marcia gave a small shrug as a playful grin was plastered on her face. “it’s a shame i never got to see it— your painting, i mean. i used to love your paintings, well i still do. i just love everything you do, to be honest. i just love you!”

cherry stayed silent at that, and instead her eyes darted towards marcia’s wrist which was still blank.

“my wrist is still bare, ain’t it?”

“how’d y’know i was looking at it?” cherry’s eyes widened and she sat back a little.

“could just tell,” marcia muttered, “listen, doll. don’t get too... hung up about it... i overreacted last night, it ain’t all that big of a deal.” marcia shifted around in her bed and laid down, as she started to cough, “just know... i... i love you... alright?” she told her in between coughs.

cherry started to panic, but kept it to herself, it wasn’t until marcia stopped responding to the calls of her name did cherry realise. wasn’t until cherry realised marcia was whiter than ever, her breaths stopping and her chest stopped rising did cherry realise.

she died.

marcia died.

marcia, as in cherry’s marcia, died.

she left.

just like the rest.

but no, she didn’t leave. she’s still here, just maybe not physically.

cherry’s chest tightened and her whole body followed, loud sobs was all that came from her as she sobbed over her girlfriend’s dead body.

marcia had died.

and she knew what she meant now by ‘say goodbye tomorrow’, she knew she was going to die.

marcia knew herself she was going to die imminently, but instead of telling anyone or getting help. she decided to spend her last few hours with her, cherry.

cherry didn’t know what to feel, and then it hit her.

marcia died thinking cherry didn’t love her.

thinking no one loved her.

all because of some stupid mark on the wrist.

“it’s stupid! it’s all so stu—” cherry started screaming by now, the tears rushing down her face but then something caught her eye.

cherry

stained right on the love her life’s wrist.

then it all made sense.

the feeling of true love was all too unfamiliar to cherry, and feeling like this when they left you was new to her.

she then realised, because she had been scared to love marcia incase she left her... now that she was gone, she had nothing to lose. she wasn’t scared, she had nothing to be scared of.

“i love you,” cherry confessed. this time, she really did mean it.

but one again, she was too late. no one... no one but herself heard it.

if a tree falls when no one else is around, does it make a sound?

she loved marcia.

but marcia would never know.

and never will know.

all because cherry valance was scared to love.

“when she loved me.”

[ohnobjyx]

A snowy summer

Part 5: June + Part 6: July

Wow, rl has keep me occupied so much that I almost forgot that I haven’t finished this series yet. I think I intended to make June and July into a single post and separate April and May, I don’t know it ended up like this, but let’s roll with it.

Disclaimer: I try to keep things objective (if I include my personal opinion, it’s in cursive and in brackets), but I’m biased because of the XZ friendly content I’m usually exposed to and by my own views of their situation. Open to discussion, but please make sure you’ve enough information to do so.

In June and July there were some incidents that really had me staring at my laptop speechless, brain completely fried by what I was reading. I suppose I don’t have so much energy to invest myself in issues like those (I have enough with my own rl problems, thank you very much), but still... wtf.

School uniforms

In recent June, the welfare project done by his fans got questioned for a project. It was about some school uniforms that they donated to a school, in collaboration with another organization (BYH Foundation).

However, it was questioned because the uniform has the letter 赞 (zan) in it. It means “to approve, to support or to praise” and it’s also the internet slang for “like” (thumbs up). Because it sounds similar to xz’s name, it’s often used as a substitution for his name in internet posts. In fact, in an interview, he was asked if he preferred “xiao (little) zhan” or “xiao zan”, and he said both were fine. Some commercials use phrases with this character to refer to him.

The antis accused XZ’s fans of trying to use the students to promote their celebrity. After this, BYH Foundation issued an apology, because of “their lack of consideration”. They had wanted the word to mean “positive”, and as a wish that the children grow up healthy and optimistic. But because of the misunderstanding, the foundation expressed their regret and took back all uniforms and other materials.

Faced with this, netizens again expressed their disagreement. “Why take away the clothes if the children liked them? Why must people who complain always be right? How disappointing!”

(Personal opinion time: so… giving the uniforms is criticized. Taking them away is criticized. Can someone tell me what can they do that it won’t be criticized?)

Charity in Yunnan

In mid-June, XZ participated in a charity event in Yunnan, promoting agricultural products. XZ’s fans support association changed their name to XZ Audio and Video official w/ibo, centering their efforts in promoting his works.

His activities in Yunnan were accompanied by an interview.

Offering legal help to those affected by cyberbullying

On July 1st, XZ studio issued another statement. I think we are familiar with this one, since it’s quite recent.

This issue began on June 22nd, when a w/ibo user berated XZ for not “controlling” his fans: “… and, by letting them do as they please, you let them think that there was nothing wrong in what they were doing. Today is Fathers’ Day, and your fans dare to curse my mother and my late father. I’ll not let this go. I’ll boycott you, and if I consider it necessary, I’ll report it to the police. I’ll leave this post here, so we can come back to it and look at the source of the problem. You reap what you sow, you can’t blame me on this.” She posted a few screenshots of some people insulting her parents.

A few fans wrote to her:

“Excuse me, I’m sorry for disturbing you, I know you don’t like XZ, but XZ has been leading us fans, and I’ve seen that your account isn’t XZ friendly. Every well intentioned critic, we’ll take it, but I hope you won’t involve XZ because of the words of others, there are a lot of rational fans out there.”

The user answered:

“From the beginning to the end, he has never said: ‘don’t report maliciously, don’t insult and humiliate others, don’t curse other people’s parents, don’t look for others’ private info, don’t threaten others’. Has he said them? He hasn’t. He never elaborates, hums and haws, pass over these topics. I’ll tell you, today’s matter, I must see an apology. Either from the ones that cursed my parents or from XZ on their behalf. If there’s not apology, I’ll chase this matter to the end.”

This user released a week later a document called “Assessment on the value and risk of XZ’s fans”. She took the data from several platforms, and analysed them, getting statistics about the type of XZ’s fans. This report depicted a very negative view of his fans.

This was a very controversial issue. The heart of the controversy is that there’s no evidence that the netizen who cursed her parents is XZ’s fan. And even if they “were”, nowadays many people are deliberately posing as XZ’s fans to insult and abuse others in order to frame him.

However, with her report, the people who don’t know the heart of the matter got more ammo to insult and humiliate XZ. She updated her post, saying that she had been being investigated, that someone had tried to get her address and name, so in the comments, more and more people blamed XZ for the issue. XZ’s teams then offered their help in the form of legal advice and lawyers to help her get legal support.

The user took the offer and agreed to receive legal advice. XZ’s studio then posted their update (the one linked in the first paragraph of this section), rejecting all king of cyber bullying and offering help to protect the rights of the netizens affected by cyber violence. The Studio also spoke clearly: they won’t tolerate XZ’s fans abusing other netizens, nor people posing as XZ’s fans to attack others.

The “stolen” account

On July 11, XZ’s Audio and Video official w/ibo posted an official apology. This time, the issue was this one: a w/ibo user had “passed away” due to mental illness (depression, the user followed the supertopic about this particular ailment and had posted a few times about it). However, after their death, their account was active again, and began posting about XZ.

People attacked the user for using a deceased person’s account (comments were like “don’t you know the history of the owner of the account you’re using?”), and consequently, all of the content in that account was deleted.

The same afternoon, XZ’s Audio and Video official w/ibo issued their apology. They contacted w/ibo, and asked the user to restore the deleted content and to respect the deceased.

This was also controversial, since they couldn’t know for sure that the one who bought the account is a fan of XZ. Because of this, XZ’s fans were attacked again. W/ibo issued a post declaring that the account had been accessed through the same device from last year to present, so the account hadn’t been stolen, and they continue to investigate it.

In summary: this time, XZ’s fans had apologized too quickly. This user was someone who used 3 different IPs and 3 different accounts. They had followed the “depression” topic, posted a few things and went silent for a while, making people think they had succumbed to the illness. Then, using the same account, they started posting about XZ, making people think that the account had been stolen, and manipulated other people’s sense of justice and compassion to defame XZ.

W/ibo took the initiative and blocked all of their accounts.

(Okay, when I actually read about what happened, I was like... wtf. Seriously wtf. This is some plot going on over there, I thought this kind of defamation plots only happened in Chinese historical dramas. I... really don’t get it. I’m speechless still.)

W/ibo and XZ Studio Conference

The topic of w/ibo and XZ studio conference went on hot search on July 14, in which, they talked about fan guidance and management:

“W/ibo believes that influential public figures and celebrities should bear the responsibility of guiding and restraining fan’s behaviour, essentially through the fans’ group. But in last months, because of failed guidance and reactions, all kind of fan groups had a disruptive behaviour online, causing a harmful impact on society.

W/ibo believes that celebrities’ studios and companies should reinforce the guidance and restrain over the fans. To those who pretend to be a certain person’s fan, they should be reported and people should collaborate with the platform in its management of the issue. We can’t ignore them if these people’s actions are suspected to be illegal, and protect our rights, fulfilling legal responsibilities.

XZ’s studio has expressed their agreement with W/ibo’s recommendations, and expressed their intention to increase their level of collaboration and support of this platform’s management.”

The announcement was ended by a statement on how the latest incident has showed a very ugly and harmful part of the society, and that everyone should collaborate to improve the society and Internet. It also included a list of accounts that were banned for fake rumours and leading other fans to arguments. 

This was accompanied by an apology by XZ Studio.

(This is what some anons asked me about on their asks. I hope you can all read between the lines to get what was the deal about this one.)

From start to finish, we all can see that the platform has a lot of responsibility to bear here. That’s something people in China have also pointed out. However, XZ and his team can only nod, and bear with it, because while there is only one platform that has all the right conditions, there are a lot of more celebrities. They have to rely on it for a lot of things, so they can’t just end things with them.

So last week, his studio issued a statement that said:

“This studio appeals again:

NO entering any kind of votes, control ourselves with our comments and not calling other to participate in events.

We reject mutual insulting and abusing, don’t start group conflicts.

Don’t go over your own economic possibilities to support projects, works and commercial products.

Make sure to take care of your studies and jobs first, before following a celebrity’s projects or music.

We hope that everyone can make the most of their own lives, have independent thinking. We hope that we can all go together towards a brighter future, and give more positive energy through our actions.”

The studio called the fans to stop voting him and placing him at the top of the charts for a while, so things can cool down definitely, in my opinion. And yet, he still topped as one of the most successful endorser, from March to July (it’s really a trend that hasn’t stopped, even after 2/27. In March, two weeks after 2/27, he even topped as one of the top celebrities in w/ibo anyway). 

I heard that people kept voting for him like crazy, because they didn’t want the general public to think that he wasn’t popular. However, facts remain that he is popular among his fans, but less neutral in the general public (I’ll explain this in my last post).

That’s why it’s going to be very important how his next project is received by the general public.

←Part 4(II): Plum blossoms in the snow (II) | Part 7: To the snowy summit side by side

[kissjane]

DELAYED DATE / Short(ish) fic

#12 from this prompt list.

TW / Mental illness, mention of suicide (but no actual attempt)

We dated in high school but then you moved away but now you’re back in town

“Have you guys heard?”

Basile came running towards them, ten minutes late for the gang’s weekly pizza night. As soon as he was near enough, he came to a skidding halt, bent double, his hands on his knees, his face red and ruddy, taking in gulps of oxygen while he tried to tell them his big news.

“Daphné told me, she heard from Imane, who had it from Sofiane, so that must mean it’s true, because obviously Sofiane would not just make something like that up, would he? Anyway, so Daphné heard it this morning when the girls went all shopping together, and she came over to my place to tell me just as I was about to leave, so that’s why I’m late, sorry about that, guys, have you ordered yet? You remembered to leave off the mushrooms on mine, right? Anyway, so what do you think about it, huh?”

He looked around expectantly.

“Baz, my man,” Arthur said, shaking his head fondly but exasperatedly, “why don’t you sit down first, and then tell us this piece of bombshell gossip Daphné thought was more important than pizza with your friends.”

Basile did as suggested, and then looked around again with aplomb, eager to share his news.

“Eliott is back in town!”

Silence fell, as Yann and Arthur glanced over at Lucas.

“Eliott Demaury?”, Yann asked after a long beat.

“Of course, Eliott Demaury, do we know any other Eliotts?”

Basile was so extraordinarily proud of surprising his friends with his announcement that he completely missed how Lucas suddenly had gone pale.

“We should text him, ask him if he wants to hang out again, like before!”

Lucas noticed how Yann elbowed Basile in the arm while Arthur frantically shook his head, and it made him feel bad. If the boys wanted to hang out with Eliott again, they should be able to. But Yann knew, and Arthur could probably guess, that Lucas would very much prefer not to. But whether Basile tried to set something up or not, chances were Lucas would run into Eliott at some point anyway.

“Yeah, sure,” he therefore said. Better to meet him with Yann there for emotional support, than running into him alone and when he was least expecting it. This way, he could prepare.

But not enough, it turned out, when Basile immediately took out his phone, and before anyone realized what was going on, announced gleefully, “That’s arranged! He’s coming over.”

Lucas choked on his own saliva, and a worried look appeared in Yann’s eyes, but the damage was done, and when a familiar figure walked up a few minutes later, Lucas took a big gulp of air and hoped for the best.

“Hi,” a hesitant voice came, and Lucas had to close his eyes against the memories crashing over him.

Eliott calling him late at night, his voice warm with sleep.

Eliott whispering nonsensical words in Lucas’ hair, against Lucas’ skin.

Eliott breathing out Lucas’ name into Lucas’ mouth, his lips taking on the shapes with Eliott’s.

“Hey,” he crooked, willing himself to act normally, to just greet him like an old friend he hadn’t seen in a while.

And why wouldn’t he? Of course, he had had the biggest crush on Eliott for most of the time they’d known each other, and Eliott had definitely given him the impression it had been reciprocated, until he had just disappeared – but nobody needed to know that.

Only Yann knew the full story – he had confronted Lucas one night, a few weeks after Eliott had left. Lucas had barely left his room for days, not speaking, eating only because Manon forced him. When he finally came back to school, he had been silent, withdrawn, and pale, and he snapped at the boys a couple of times for no reason. And then Yann had shown up, demanding answers, and Lucas had broken down and cried his heart out, telling his best friend about his whirlwind romance with Eliott, and the bitter taste it had left when Eliott had just packed up and left, not answering Lucas’ attempts at communication.

He would have sworn, only this morning, that he was definitely over Eliott Demaury, after three years – although maybe his glaring lack of any boyfriends in that time might suggest otherwise. Oh, sure, he’d kissed the occasional guy here and there, but nothing serious. And now, seeing Eliott, watching his grey eyes shine and his hands gesture wildly, he was forced to admit that the reason nothing ever went further was that he was the farthest thing away from being over him.

Basile was already jumping around Eliott like a young puppy, bouncing up and down, asking him how he was, what was going on, whether he was back for good, where he had been, why he had moved without notifying any of them – all in rapid-fire, without giving the older boy a chance to reply.

Finally, Eliott spoke up.

“It’s not the happiest story, but if you guys are up for it, I would like to tell you all.”

He stared straight at Lucas, and Lucas needed to turn his head, afraid of falling for Eliott all over at the slightest opportunity. He steeled himself not to believe any of his beautiful words this time, not to walk into his trap again.

But Yann nodded solemnly, and Eliott gangly sat down, folding his long limbs and hunching his shoulders.

“So, uh, I am bipolar. I don’t know if you guys know, but it’s a mental disorder…”

A silence fell. They all knew what that meant. Lucas had finally told the gang about his mom’s admission into the mental ward in their last year, and Basile had told them about his mom’s mental illness.

“We know,” Arthur said. “That sucks.”

“Uh, okay, yeah, it does. So we didn’t know at the time, but a lot of the stuff I did at my old school was due to episodes. It’s also why I failed my bac and got expelled from my other school and came to your high school. But like I said, nobody knew at the time and so, one day, I went into a manic stage and I tried to jump off a rooftop because I thought I could fly. A police agent managed to talk into me enough to get me down safely, and I got brought into the station. They called my parents, and they thought I had tried to commit suicide – which wasn’t true. I had everything to live for, and I wouldn’t want to give up –”

He looked at Lucas again. So did Yann. Both sets of eyes were trying to gauge what Lucas was thinking, feeling, but Lucas was numb.

“Anyway. They had me admitted into a psych ward near Le Havre, where they had moved to a few months earlier, that same night. I couldn’t keep my phone or anything, I couldn’t contact anybody, I –”

Again, his eyes found Lucas, pleading.

“I wanted to call you so badly, I swear, but they wouldn’t let me, and then when they finally gave me my phone back, it was weeks later, after they had diagnosed me, and I just – I thought you would be better off without me. Or that you would have forgotten me, or had moved on, and so I just… didn’t.”

Lucas saw Eliott’s eyes shine with something different now, as if he was blinking back tears. He wasn’t sure his own eyes looked any better.

It remained silent for a while. The boys looked from one to the other, unsure what was going on.

“So why are you back now, then?”, Yann asked, when nobody else made a move.

“The simple reason is that I finally got accepted into the Arts program at the University of Paris,” he answered, but his eyes still never left Lucas.

Yann nudged him with his elbow, willing him to ask the obvious reason, but Lucas was still too much in shock to do so.

In the end, it was Arthur who finally broke the heavy tension.

“And the complicated reason?”

Eliott took a deep breath.

“I had to leave something behind I never wanted to leave. Or someone, rather. Someone who I hadn’t even known all that long, but who meant everything to me. Someone who I missed every goddamn day I was out there. Who I have written thousands of texts to, and deleted them all, who I wanted to call millions of times, but never did. Someone I made so many drawings for over the years I could barely get them all to Paris with me – I just hope he gives me a chance to show them to him one day.”

“Sound like someone pretty important,” Yann said, when Eliott’s voice broke.

“The most important person I ever met,” Eliott agreed. “I loved him then, and I hate the fact that I never got to tell him, so I just hope I get to tell him now.”

“Do you – still?”, Lucas whispered. “Love him?”

Eliott nodded. “I never stopped. Please, Lucas,” he said, suddenly giving up all the pretense, beseeching him, “I swear I never meant to hurt you, it all happened so fast, and I know I am years too late, and you probably have somebody else by now, I just – I need you to believe me. I fell in love with you the first day I saw you walking the hallway at school, and I never stopped.”

Basile gasped.

“You are in love with Lucas? Our Lucas?”

“Oh, come on, Baz,” Arthur said as he stood up. “Let’s go get pizza. You coming, Yann?”

And as Basile still protested indignantly – “But I didn’t know! Lucas never said anything!” – Arthur and Yann dragged him along, the latter winking over his shoulder at Lucas.

As Basile’s voice finally died down, Lucas lifted his eyes to Eliott’s, and then dropped them to his mouth almost immediately.

“Lucas?”, Eliott said tentatively, gingerly reaching out a hand to Lucas’ shoulder.

“You drew for me?”

He didn’t know why he came up with that, after everything Eliott had said, but he was rewarded when Eliott smiled.

“Hundreds of times. Hundreds of happy hedgehogs and raccoons.”

Lucas smiled.

“Do you… I mean, maybe… If you wanted… You could come with me and I could show them to you?”

Eliott’s tone was hopeful, but cautious, and suddenly Lucas didn’t want to waste another minute. He’d pined over Eliott for years, and here he was. Nobody could predict the future, but tonight, he wasn’t going to let Eliott slip away.

“Only if I can stay the night,” he said, softly, and he laughed as Eliott’s eyes went wide and his breath hitched.

“I can’t wait until we get there to kiss you,” Eliott replied just as softly, when he was sufficiently recovered.

“Please don’t.”

And when their lips found each other again after all those years, they both knew it was going to take a while to get to the drawings – but neither of them overly minded.

[fanfic-collection]

Loki x Reader: Quarantine P3

Yay! I wrote more! Please comment

-

Clint lay in the medical level bed. Natasha and Steve stood outside the room, nervously anticipating the results, holding out their tablets as Bruce typed away at his own screen from within the tablet.

From your floor, you and Loki waited with baited breath. Thor on his floor, and Bucky on his own, everyone waited.

'Well, good news everyone.' Bruce announced, his voice coming through everyone's communication devices. 'Looks like it's nothing life threatening, just a rare strain of the flu, probably caused by contaminants from Tony's labs in the vents.' Cries of relief rang out and Bruce smiled, wiping at his glasses.

Natasha rushed into the medical room, grabbing Clint by the collar and shaking him, 'Don't you do that to me! You had me so worried!' She angrily growled, before hugging him tightly.

Clint coughed weakly, turning his head from her and winced, before hugging her back. 'Sorry 'Tash.'

Steve clasped Clint on the shoulder, 'We're just glad it's nothing too serious and you'll be back on your feet in a few days.'

You, Loki, Bucky, and Thor, appeared on the screen from your own floors, not yet making the many flights to the medical floor. 'We're glad it's nothing serious.' You said with a smile.

'Even though it's not as serious as we feared, we should still keep distance from each other, there's a lot of us in one building and I don't think it's wise to be all together.' Steve said, glancing over at the wall screen, 'Best you don't come visit.'

'Are you sure?' Bucky asked.

'We probably shouldn't even be hugging him.' Steve gave a reproving glance to Natasha.

Natasha raised her eyebrow in a challenging response and Steve didn't say anything more to her. Instead her turned back to Bucky, 'Clint is your isolation partner but I won't leave the care of him to just one person. We can all pitch in on this.'

Natasha muttered, 'You think Loki's going to risk her safety to help Clint?' She looked at you before looking back to Steve.

Loki's eyes narrowed on Natasha but he remained silent. His hand absently moved towards your upper arm, nearly touching it protectively but not quite brushing along it.

'I won't have my isolation partner risk infection because Clint can't control himself from crawling in the vents.' Loki said stiffly.

'Hey, I can control myself.' Clint replied indignantly with a cough.

You smiled placatingly, looking between the two of them.

'I think it's best to keep those with less certain immune systems away from each other.' Steve nodded, agreeing with Loki.

Loki raised his eyebrows before slowly smiling.

'It's agreed. Let's get Clint healthy and then, we'll go back into isolation just as we were before.' Steve clapped his hands together. 'Anyone else have anything to add?'

Thor grumbled, 'When does this end? I am beleaguered and bored, all I do is sit around, even your movies are of no entertainment.'

'The exercise room is open, Thor, you can use that.' Bucky offered, 'We could spar.'

Thor grunted.

'You could continue your studies.' Loki tried.

Thor groaned, exiting from the call.

Loki glanced down at you, then shrugged and exited from the call.

'You should probably check in on him soon.' You said softly.

'Must I? Must I always keep after him?' Loki sighed, setting down the tablet on the counter.

'You're a better brother than they give you credit for.' You said, resting your hand on his forearm.

Loki smiled at you softly, looking down at your hand.

Pulling your hand away, you turned your head and coughed into the crook of your arm. It was a small cough, but a cough nonetheless.

Loki's brow creased in worry. 'Are you alright?'

You frowned, biting at your lower lip, 'Just a tickle in my throat I think. Or hope.'

Loki pressed his hand to your forehead gently, it was cool, very soothing and you felt so warm under his touch. 'You feel warm, but I cannot tell.'

Sighing, you leaned against his hand. 'I don't know.'

'I'm normally cold.' He admitted.

'I thought so. You feel really nice.'

Loki smiled, a touch of pink on his cheeks.

Abruptly the tablet started ringing, and Loki pulled away from you with a snarl. 'What?'

'Loooooki.' Thor's whine could be heard through an echo. He seemed to be in the bathroom.

'What?' Loki repeated irritably.

'I need your help.'

'Where are you, why aren't you in view of the camera?' Loki held up the tablet, twisting and turning it to see the image better that he might view Thor.

There was silence for a bit and Loki finally could make out the interior of Thor's bathroom but still not see Thor. 'I messed up.'

'What did you do?' Loki grumbled, though his irritation at being interrupted was slowly giving way to curiosity.

'I found one of Stark's hair trimmers and I was somewhat fond of the way it had been in the past when it was out of my way, and I thought perhaps I might trim it a bit on the tips...'

'Go on.'

'Now that there are no traditions to uphold, and father to please, I figured I could let my hair change for a bit, or just I don't know.'

'What did you do, Thor?'

'I didn't know how the thing worked!'

'Thor.' Loki said gently, a hint of amusement in his voice.

You moved closer to Loki so you could try and peer into the tablet and into the darkened bathroom with Loki who was still scanning the place curiously.

Slowly the tablet lowered and light was visible: a buzzcut down the center of Thor's hair, otherwise long and golden mane, one strip of flat nearly bald head was visible.

You fought to keep a straight face, managing a soft, 'Oh.'

Loki blinked beside you, a small snort escaping him.

Thor moaned long and low. 'Looooki.'

'You probably should've made me promise not to laugh, brother.' Loki muttered, fighting back a snicker.

'Is it truly that terrible?' Thor groaned, brushing his hand through his hair.

'Oh all that and more.' Loki nodded emphatically.

'Loki, be nice.' You tried softly, fighting back giggles.

Loki raised his eyebrow as he glanced at you. 'I am being nice, I haven't commented on it. I'm just agreeing with him.'

'Loki, please brother, you have to make it better.' Thor pleaded.

Loki sighed, 'Do I really?'

Thor nodded emphatically, his hair flopping around.

Loki glanced down at you and you said, 'It would prove my point.'

'Which is?' Loki asked.

'That you are the better brother, always there to help him, no matter what.'

Thor was too busy looking in the mirror and trying to fix his mangled haircut to hear you, moaning softly all the while.

Loki sighed, 'Oh alright. Fine. Thor. Thor!'

Thor looked back at the tablet. 'Yes?'

'I'll do what I can but it won't be amazing. My skills are limited, but it will be better than it is.'

Thor's face lit up and a smile spread across his features, 'Oh thank you! Thank you brother, truly you are wonderful! I'll be down to your floor right away!'

'No. I'm coming to you. I won't risk you bringing contamination here.'

'I can't watch the haircut?' You asked.

'I'll take a picture.' Loki said, 'I don't trust him not to have some illness on him, besides, you need to rest, whatever this cough is, I don't like it. I want it gone.'

You smiled and shook your head ruefully, 'I'm sure it's nothing, Loki.'

-

Loki returned a few hours later, looking pleased with himself. You had been dozing on the couch, a large quilt wrapped around you. You started upon him reentering the apartment living room but quickly regained your senses and smiled upon seeing him.

Loki held up the before picture, promising Thor that he would delete it, but saving it to a special folder. Personal use only, he said. And then the after picture. Thor's hair was longer on the edges and fairly short in the middle, it wasn't a professional cut but it was certainly decent and would hide Thor's horrible attempts at a self haircut. It looked almost like it had done when he first arrived on Earth after the whole Thanos incident so it wasn't too terrible all things considered. Thor had said Loki did better than a crazy old guy so Loki took the compliment.

'You've been cooped up inside for a while.' Loki said softly. It was late in the evening and seemed to call for soft voices.

'Yea, the quarantine has been going on for a while now.'

'I have an idea.' Loki murmured, scooping you into his arms, thick, giant blanket and all. You leaned into him, and closed your eyes again. For a bit you dozed as he walked, taking you wherever he would. You trusted him, wherever that would be, knowing it would likely be in the tower anyways.

There was a rush of cool air on your face and your eyes fluttered open as you heard Loki's boots crunching on the gravel of the Stark Tower roof.

Your mouth fell agape as you stared up at the vastness of space laid out before you, all the stars in the sky spreading for miles around you and Loki as he carried you to a corner of the roof where the two of you could sit down and nestle together.

'Oh, Loki...' You breathed slowly, gazing up at the stars blinking overhead. 'This is beautiful.' You breathed in the sharp air, cool and crisp. So high above the sounds of the city that you couldn't hear the cars or traffic. And with the quarantine, there really wasn't much cars or traffic.

Pulling back your blanket, you patted it for Loki to crawl in next to you. He happily obliged, crawling under and pulled you into his arms before carefully wrapping you back into the blanket once more.

The two of you sat cuddled together, you in his lap, Loki just gently touching at your arms, feeling you in his lap as you gazed up into the infinity of the cosmos. You asked him about Asgard, about his home, what he remembered of growing up, anything that came to mind. And he asked you about yourself. The conversation flowed easily and for hours, only the occasional fits of coughing interrupting the two of you. Eventually Loki conjured water for you to ease your talking and make it more comfortable.

'And that, is the Lokabrenna.' Loki smiled at the name.

You took a sip of your water and leaned back into his chest, just loving the deep bass of his voice in your ears. 'I could listen to you talk all night.'

'Could you now?' Loki asked, chuckling.

You felt a flush rise to your cheeks, 'Just saying.'

Loki leaned down and nuzzled your face, 'If I were talking to you, I would be more than happy to.'

'R-really?' You felt your flush deepen.

Loki nodded.

You bit at your lip. 'You know what would make this night even better?'

Loki hummed thoughtfully. 'What?'

'Nevermind.' You squeaked, certain your face was on fire.

Loki leaned around you, glancing at your face, looking at you curiously, 'What?'

'I was just going to say, that maybe if... Never mind... It's silly, I'm probably sick.' You forced a cough and turned away.

When you finished cough, Loki touched your cheek and turned your face back to his, 'May I kiss you?' He asked shyly, through long lashes.

'I was hoping you'd ask.'

Loki leaned forward and his lips gently met yours, slow yet short. It was brief and hesitant, just barely connecting, a lifetime that lasted an instant before pulling apart. Then another round of coughs were wracking through you as you turned away and were coughing into the crook of your arm. Perhaps he had taken your breath away.

You inhaled deeply, gazing up at him with a giant smile, 'Sorry.' You croaked.

Loki looked at you concerned, some of his black locks falling in his face. You stroked his cheek, brushing the hair away and touching at his sharp cheekbones.

'Are you alright?' He asked, 'Was that too much?'

'That was wonderful. I'm afraid to ask for more.'

Loki smiled, exhaling softly, his warm breath cascading over your face.

At that moment the dawn chorus began and Loki glanced over his shoulder at the first rays of the sun appearing over the horizon. 'Perhaps I should get you back inside to some sleep. If you are unwell I shouldn't keep you up at all hours of the night.'

You bit your lip, looking to his thin pink lips, so pale and smooth and longed for another kiss. But there was all the time for that in the world. There was the whole rest of quarantine, and then perhaps the rest of life after that. Who knew what the future might hold?

'Yea, let's get some sleep.'

[beardrabbles]

THIN ICE

rating: k

words: 1796

characters: female stark reader, peter parker, tony stark

notes: ( ao3 request ) I deleted the chapter with the request like the dummy I am, but the gist of it was reader is a Stark, and Peter is frightened of Tony after learning that. Been a while, but I’m glad to be writing for you all again! :D

tags: none

“Weather’s nice…”

“Mhmm.”

“Would really suck if it was raining.”

“Yeah, it would.”

You spare a moment to glance at the boy beside you and find him muttering quietly to himself, the tone reprimanding and self-depreciating. Without meaning to, you giggled. You had fully anticipated waiting alone on the edge of the street, but another had arrived not long after you had. Clearly, the ones that had promised to pick you up were late, forcing awkward interaction between you and the one with splotchy, red cheeks. Although, now that you were getting a longer look at him — with his pushed back hair and his kind eyes — something about him seemed familiar.

“I feel like I’ve seen you before, but I don’t remember you being in any of my classes.” You turned to him, giving him your undivided attention. “Have we met before?”

The boy chuckled nervously and gave his lean shoulders a shrug. “I don’t think we have. I mean, aside from now. Now we’ve met.”

“Have we?” You arched a brow, and it only made him redder still. “Cause it still doesn’t feel like I know who you are.”

“Oh, yeah! Parker. Uh, Peter.” He held a hand out and smiled twitchily.

“Peter Parker? Nice to meet you. My name is (Y/N).” You were sure to avoid saying your last name, and he didn’t seem to catch that. Your first name was enough to make his eyes light up and his posture slacken even after you placed your hand in his.

“(Y/N). That’s a nice name.” He shook your hand for a second too long, but was prompt in dropping it after he realized how long he’d held it for. “You waiting for someone to pick you up?”

“Yeah, my dad.” You rolled your eyes and looked down both ends of the street, but didn’t spot the car you knew your father was driving. There was always the possibility it would blend in, except your father’s car was far from dusty or rusty or average. You knew for an absolute fact that you’d recognize it from miles away, and you had yet to see it after waiting nearly an hour. “Figures he’d be late.”

“I dunno, I’m kind of glad he’s late. Wouldn’t have been able to talk to you if he got here on time.” Peter became flushed again, and so did you. “Hey, I know this is sudden, but would you wanna hang out with me and my friends tomorrow? We were going to get pizza and relax a little before tests start next week.”

“Relaxing before tests? No studying?”

“It’s Ned’s idea, and I think he’s right. We can only study so much, and pizza’s good.” Peter laughed, and you joined in soon after.

“He is right. Y’know, I’ve been here for about a week and I’ve done nothing but run around. Keeping up with my classes, getting used to being in a new state, new school, not knowing anyone — it’s a pain. I think vegging out over some pizza would do me some good.”

“Great! Here.” Peter fished out his phone and handed it over. “So I can tell you where we’re meeting.”

“Good idea.” He didn’t give you the impression that he was doing this just to get your number, but you would have given it to him either way. Peter seemed nice and a little dorky, but you knew you could be too.

You tapped your number into his phone, and he was quick to send you a text so you could add his number in exchange. The single pizza slice emoji elicited a giggle before you put your phone away. “So, are you waiting for someone too?”

Peter nodded and began to rock on the soles of his sneakers. “Yeah! My mentor’s got something planned for me, and he said he’d pick me up today to make things easier.”

“Mentor? Are you an intern?” You would have been more surprised, but most of the students you now shared a school with were smart enough to own their own business.

“It’s not a big deal.” Peter shrugged modestly and looked down at his feet. “It’s just some big, hot-shot guy. Super cool. His tech is beyond what I expected. Loads smarter than me, but he’s teaching me so much. He’s kind of the best, but I think he already knows that.”

“Not a big deal, huh?” You laughed and nudged him with your shoulder. “He sounds pretty great. Who is it?”

“Oh, uh... You’ve heard of him. Everyone has.” His hesitation was endearing but ill timed. As he struggled with the balance between modesty and excited bragging, a car pulled up alongside the street. The slick, black exterior still managed to glisten despite the overcast sky and the looming threat for rain. The windows were tinted, of course, but you knew who sat in the driver’s seat.

“Looks like Dad finally decided to show up.” You adjusted the pack on your back and grinned towards Peter, but all you saw was confusion.

“Dad? But that’s Mr. Stark’s car.”

It was your turn to look at him strangely. “Mr. Stark? You sound like one of the people that works for him.”

“I don’t work for him, but——”

“He idolizes me.” Tony stepped out of the car, a cheeky smirk on his lips. “Who doesn’t?” 

You wanted to groan loudly at your father’s mountain sized ego, but you had less self-centered people to talk to at the moment. Addressing Peter again, you had only one question. “Let me guess, he’s the mentor you were talking about?”

“He never told me he had a daughter!” Peter balked.

“You never asked.” Tony countered. He moved around the nose of the car, brown eyes peering over the tops of his sunglasses. “I had a feeling you two would run into each other eventually.”

“How come I haven’t run into her while working with you?” Peter looked between the two of you, spotting minor similarities in posture, facial structure and ( now that the two of you were speaking ) the cadence in speech.

“Because I’m not his shadow, as much as he’d love for me to be.” You pass him a smile, but it was too sweet and clearly fake. The smile he gave you in return was soft and genuine, a rare sight. An arm wrapped around your shoulder and pulled you in, his facial hair rough against your temple where he placed a loving, fatherly kiss.

“She’s got her own plans. Whether they follow mine or they go in an entirely different direction doesn’t matter. She’s a Stark! She’s destined to be the best in any field!” He bragged, giving your shoulders an extra squeeze before releasing you. You were flush under his praise, and you had to wonder what you’d done to deserve such an accepting father.

“This.  .  . is weird.” Peter frowned, and it caused both you and Tony to raise an eyebrow in such a way that it only weirded him out more that you two were so alike.

“What’s weird about it?” Tony asked.

“I just asked her ou——” Peter sucked in a breath, paused with his mouth open, then clamped his lips shut. Sadly, it was too late. Tony tensed beside you, and you felt the need to leap forward and protect Peter from the sudden shift in atmosphere.

“He wanted me to hang out with him and his friends.” You quickly amended.

Tony licked behind his lower lip and shoved his hands into the pockets of his faded jeans, his whole posture threatening. There was a moment of silence, but it somehow still felt noisy with the sheer amount of thoughts rolling around in Tony’s head.

“Him and his friends, or just him?” The question he posed felt like it was meant for you, but his dark eyes remained on Peter. Because of this, you kept your mouth shut and let him answer.

“Mr. Stark, you know I’d never——”

“Alone or with friends, Parker?” The sharp jab of his last name made Peter flinch.

“With friends! You know them. I’ve told you about them. Ned and MJ wanted to get pizza and hang out, but we haven’t picked a place yet. So we exchanged numbers so I could tell her when we did. I swear, it’s just to chill out before testing next week.” He sounded pleading, and it annoyed you — not because the pleading itself bothered you, but because your father was causing it.

“Dad, get back in the freakin’ car.” You grabbed his arm and turned him around, hands pushing at his back. He didn’t fight you off, but he did raise his hands while complaining.

“You’re dismissing your own father? I’m hurt, (Y/N). I never thought a boy would be more important than family.” He followed along as he was lead back to the driver side door.

“You are an actual menace. Leave us alone. I’m a big girl, and I want friends.” Once you neared the door, you lowered your voice so only he could hear. “You know him, right? Is he alright?”

“He’s more than alright.” Tony whispered back. “He’s one of the smartest kids I’ve met, aside from you. A little on a dweeb side, but you could make worse friends. Don’t tell him I said that, you I’m docking your allowance.”

“You won’t.” You smiled and bit at your lip. “So I can go with him?”

“Only if I’m allowed to mess with him a little more.” Perfectly white teeth were flashed in a cheeky grin. “I think I freaked him out.”

“I think so too.” You suppressed the urge to laugh and stepped back. “But you’re an actual butthead.”

“I know.” Tony winked, then put on another severe expression that he directed towards Peter. Sharply and menacingly, he motioned with two fingers that he would be keeping his eyes on the young hero. Peter stammered again, but Tony had already folded himself into the driver’s seat.

You moved around the car again and stopped in front of Peter, a spring in your step.

“Text me when you’ve got it figured out. I wanna come along.” You smiled shyly and nudged your shoulder against his. “See you, Peter!”

Peter lifted a hand in farewell, but made it a point to avoid looking anywhere in Tony’s direction. “Yeah! See you. Later. Tomorrow.”

You fled into the car, but rolled your window down at the request of your father. He leaned across you and shouted through the window as he slowly rolled the car forward.

“Watch yourself, Parker! I’ll know if you try anything!”

And with that, you and your father drove away, leaving Peter to panic on his own.

[moneypedia]

How to Defend Against False Accusations: A Personal Defense and 5 Guidelines to Protect The Truth

August 5, 2018 By Drew Shepherd

[Note: This post contains details about an undiagnosed case of borderline personality disorder (BPD). These details are included for informational purposes only, not to spread hate towards people with the illness.

If you or a loved one have been diagnosed with BPD, however, you may want to avoid this article.]

Guilty until proven innocent.

That’s the new norm these days.

Our current social climate has made it empowering to be a victim. And any abusers left standing must be exterminated—whether they’re guilty or not.

Please don’t think I’m downplaying the experience of actual victims though.

I know what it’s like to be among the lowest of society, and the struggle of real victims is part of the inspiration behind this site.

But the inconvenient truth is that all these “abusers” aren’t the monsters they’re made out to be.

Why do I say that you ask?

Because I’m one of them.

And this is my story.

The Accusation(s)

During my early twenties, I got involved with a girl who I later realized had borderline personality disorder (BPD).

I’ve already written about the experience and I’ve alluded to it multiple times since. So please read that article before this one if you haven’t already.

BPD is a serious mental illness, but most people have never heard of it, let alone know how to diagnose it.

If you’re not aware of how people with the disorder act, this post will come off as a rant against an innocent girl who liked me—which couldn’t be further from the truth.

But to summarize, the most notable symptom of BPD is the inability to regulate emotions. It’s a symptom so powerful that a sufferer’s feelings can define his or her reality. And this is what leads to many false accusations.

Manipulation, emotional abuse, cheating, promiscuity—she publicly accused me of all them.

It’s part of the process of “painting someone black.” The BPD person goes through cycles of both extreme love and hate for their loved one, but once the relationship ends, the other party is permanently devalued.

Of course this treatment is reserved for those in close relationships with the BPD sufferer. Outsiders will only see a victim pleading her case.

I’ve stayed quiet on these accusations so far since most of them don’t have any substance, but I unfortunately made one mistake that appears to give her claims some validity.

So I’m sure that she already has, or eventually will use this evidence against me. And if her false accusations were to gain traction, they would not only destroy my reputation, but also the legitimacy of the message I present on this site.

The latter is my primary reason for defense.

I’ve always said that the Bible is the basis for my moral judgment, and that couldn’t be more important than in sexual matters.

Now do I always control my lustful impulses and thoughts?

And do I always prevent myself from viewing images I shouldn’t see?

No.

I’m a Christian but I’m still a sinful human being. Controlling lust is part of the lifelong battle against sin in the Christian life.

But when it comes to things like fornication and adultery, I’ve held true to my stance on abstinence.

And as tough as it is to be a twenty-something with this stance in our sex-saturated world, it’s beyond frustrating to be accused of doing the complete opposite.

I’m an ambassador for what I believe. And I can’t allow anything on this site—faith-related or not—to be diminished because of one person’s claims.

So I’ll go into detail here about what really happened, and then I’ll show you how to defend against false accusations once and for all.

Drew “The Player”

I’ll preface my story with a little background information.

I was going into my last semester in college, and it had been about a year since I saw my accuser in person.

Things didn’t end well between me and her the last time we were “together.” But I was admittedly still interested in her—even with all the red flags.

It appeared that both of us were sad with the way the first go ‘round ended. So I foolishly tried to work something out with her before the semester started.

To my surprise, I was ignored and indirectly shot down.

How a normal girl would’ve reacted

It hurt pretty bad after putting myself out there for someone I thought still cared. But rejection is a part of life, so I moved on.

What’s crazy though, is that she changed her mind at some point afterwards. And even though I never got a direct response from her, she apparently assumed we were in a quasi-relationship.

Now fast forward to February.

It was the week of Valentine’s Day. And while I did still think of her, I wasn’t sending a Valentine’s Day anything to a girl who I didn’t trust, who now lived in a different state, and who couldn’t even respond to my direct communication.

The only reason I entertained the thought of us getting back together—if we were ever truly together in the first place—was because she hoovered me back in.

Hoovering is a term that describes actions similar to what its namesake, the Hoover vacuum does.

It’s a tactic people with personality disorders subconsciously use to suck loved ones back in after a failed relationship.

In this case, she used one of the social media apps we both had to convince me that she was open to a renewed relationship, and that she had changed for the better.

But at this point, I was just focused on schoolwork because I had no clue what this girl was thinking.

I had a senior project for an external company that took most of my time that semester.

My project group and I met just about every weekday. And at the time, we were all trying to meet a deadline coming up the next week.

The day after Valentine’s Day, one of my teammates mentioned that we should go play trivia at a local bar. But being the introverted party-pooper I am, I declined.

My schedule involved waking at around 5:30 each day. My teammates were always out too late for my liking, and I knew I’d never make it back in time to get enough sleep if I went.

So I gave the whole, “Thanks, but no thanks” spiel even though I knew they wouldn’t let me off that easy.

Our team was a pretty tight group—especially for four people who were assigned to each other at random.

We had a ton of inside jokes by the end of the semester. And they were the first to tease me at graduation because my honor stole nearly fell as I walked across the stage.

So naturally, they all had a good laugh at me for not wanting to miss my bedtime.

Of course it was all playful fun though. I did get back at them numerous times over the semester, but I’ll admit that I have an off-kilter personality that lends itself to being teased.

So anyway, we went our separate ways and I headed to bed.

The next day, I saw an email from the night before saying that I was invited to a school-specific social app. I didn’t see the email until the early morning though because I went to bed early.

I had never heard of the app before and I was skeptical. So my first thought after waking and reading the email was, “What the heck is (app name here)?”

My second thought was, “Who’s the funny guy who sent this?”

Now I knew it was someone who previously had my email address.

Of course any student could have pulled that info from the school’s directory, but I doubt anyone would have gone through the trouble of searching their class roster, finding me, and then using my email address for the sake of hitting me up on an app.

So it had to be someone with whom I worked with closely or had a personal relationship with.

With these facts in mind, I falsely concluded that it was a prank from my teammate that the rest of the group was in on.

They had just gone out together the night before. And they always found a way to mess with me—even when I wasn’t around.

So just like any other time I felt I was being pranked, manipulated, or taken advantage of, I played along with the hope that the other party wouldn’t realize until it was too late (and this has been my M.O. since I was a kid).

But doing this, in hindsight, was a terrible idea.

Any form of participation on what I later realized was a hookup app would paint me in a bad light. And the consequences of my actions weren’t as clear at 5:30 in the morning.

After I made a quick profile—complete with pictures no man would ever use if he was truly seeking casual sex—I waited about 15 minutes for a response that never came.

Then after realizing how bad my actions could appear without context, I quickly deleted the app and went on with my day.

I’m not sure if I completely wiped the profile I created. But since the app was lesser-known and low key about its hookup aspect—it’s not like I signed on to Tinder—I figured this wouldn’t be a problem.

Outside of my own actions with the invite and the app though, I don’t know anything else. But there’s a chance that a troll profile made 10 minutes after I woke could end up biting me. And that’s why I’ve chosen to address it.

Now, I’m almost certain this invite was from my accuser. And I still kick myself for not recognizing the true source of the bait.

My actions gave her the apparent confirmation that I was “playing the field.” And within the week, she either started, or just made it obvious that she was sleeping with another guy to spite me—a wild and disproportionate response to the thought that your S.O. may be seeing someone else.

So once I confirmed that this actually happened, I ghosted her and all her drama, focused on my schoolwork (which led to my first 4.0), and then went along with my life.

People with BPD are notorious for doing stuff like this. It’s the reason why a popular book covering the illness is called Stop Walking On Eggshells (affiliate link):

They’ll cry about a lack of communication but then ignore you when you reach out to them.

They’ll go on about how lonely they are while sleeping with one of their (or even your) “friends” behind your back.

They’ll say you’re too stupid to complete a task but discredit you when you do it, and then raise the bar higher so you won’t reach the new mark.

After a while you won’t know what to do because she’ll never be satisfied. And everyone else will chalk it up to you not knowing how to treat a woman.

No-win situations and constant testing are common to those in relationships with these people—especially in regards to anything sexual. So I presume the invite was a test to see if I was some dirtbag who would cheat on his partner.

Now I’d hesitate to call it cheating either way since she ignored my attempts to directly communicate, and I had no idea what our relationship status was.

But the other “fact” she gathered was that I was a player who enjoyed casual sex (an assumption that would have driven a younger me mad with laughter).

Look, I understand that I don’t have a squeaky-clean Christian boy appearance—going through trials doesn’t purify the outside after all.

But that doesn’t mean I partake in the same activities those who look like me may be into. And it for sure doesn’t mean that my moral character is anything different than what I present on this site.

Of course it doesn’t help that I’m black either…but I won’t go down that road.

I should also note that I don’t have a personal Facebook or Instagram account. So it’s tough for others to know much about my life unless they read this site or talk to me or my loved ones personally.

This blank space makes me an easy target for accusations since I can be unknowingly attacked through mediums where I can’t defend myself. And there are no videos of me playing with my dog to fill the holes left by my “shady” lifestyle.

Usually this isn’t a problem as most of the people I meet don’t care about my online presence. But of course there’s always one person who assumes the worst case scenario. And it’s sad that in my case, this person was someone I genuinely liked before.

These obsessive behaviors were nothing new though:

This same girl cried sobbed in the middle of one of our classes—when we were both in our twenties mind you—because I didn’t initially return her interest.

She would go from spaced-out to depressed and then stare at me like it was my fault.

She even accused me of cheating after seeing a pic my mom took of me when I was at dinner with my family.

So you can imagine the relief I felt when I closed the door on that for good.

At this point, the only ones who still believe her lies—or to be fair to the illness she has, her reality—are people I’ve never met.

But I’m not even mad anymore. I’m just annoyed that my life is still negatively affected because I fell for the wrong girl.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the honest truth.

How to Craft Your Defense

So now that my story’s out of the way, how do you fight your own false accusations?

It’s not too difficult.

Just follow these 5 guidelines to protect yourself in both the present, and the future:

1) Remember the Alibi

As tempting as it is to piece together a story that makes you look like a saint, you have to ensure the truth you present is actually…well, true.

Since I couldn’t remember all this off the top of my head, I dug through my old emails and group conversations to get the timeline right. And I could always use them again if legal action was involved.

It also helps that I have an archive of posts here that clearly present my personality and the mistakes I’ve made.

You can even compare this post to the one I wrote on BPD earlier and you’ll see numerous similarities. If anyone thought I was lying, they could search the other 40+ posts here too to see that the story adds up.

But if you don’t have thousands of words as supporting evidence, just take your time, breathe, and write down what happened as best as you remember.

False accusations can cloud your memory when you first hear them, and your emotions will push for a raw defense. But if you start writing what you remember, you can put that passion to good use now, and update your writing later with more facts.

A story set in writing will be a great resource to have. You don’t want to lean on your memory or your speech when the pressure’s on.

If you write down what happened, you’ll also find other bits of evidence you’ll need to prepare your defense. And if your audience is really concerned with the truth, they’ll take all the info they can get.

2) Compare the Fruit

Perhaps the easiest way to expose the shakiness of false accusations is to note the shakiness of the accuser’s lifestyle.

This is by far my least favorite technique though since it appears to be an attack on character instead of the accusation itself. But understand that those two targets aren’t mutually exclusive.

A person who usually acts one way is almost certain to do it again.

And no, that fact isn’t judgmental. It’s simple probability.

This is going to sound like I’m bragging about my accomplishments and attacking her character, but let’s compare some notable points about my life and my accuser’s:

I improved to at least a 3.5 GPA in my last four college semesters within a STEM major. But I’ll admit my accuser was booksmart, so we’re pretty much even there.

I have never gotten blacked-out drunk (or even consumed alcohol). I have never taken an illegal substance. And I have never lived a promiscuous lifestyle. My accuser has done, and probably still does, all three.

I landed a stable job in my field more than a month before I graduated, and I’m still employed there today. My accuser barely held a job as a bar server about a year after graduating with the same degree.

Again, I don’t like expressing my achievements, and I never want to attack anyone’s character. We all make mistakes, and I made one of the biggest mistakes any student ever will (which she contributed to by the way).

But when someone’s lifestyle displays a clear pattern of incompetence, recklessness, and mental instability, the validity of their claims also takes a hit.

And that’s without mentioning that I’ve written the equivalent of a book here at HFE—a site where I cover my own shortcomings just as much, if not more than my accomplishments—on my own time and dollar because I believe it will help others.

So knowing all this, let me ask you, who do you think is telling the truth?

A tree’s fruit always gives it away.

Know who you are and know who you’re dealing with so any other lies are dismissed as the jokes they are.

3) Change “I” to “We”

The most unfortunate thing about false accusations is that no one’s waiting to hear a verdict.

As soon as those words leave your accuser’s mouth, you will be facing much more than one person.

Friends, family, social circles, even whole communities may turn against you.

And what began as a defense against one liar becomes a battle against an entire army.

So what do you do when this multitude of warriors stands against you?

It’s simple.

You gather the troops.

Find people who can vouch for your story. Get help from friends who aren’t blinded by the lies. Ask people who were neutral bystanders to explain what happened since they’re not biased.

I know I can get anyone from former classmates, friends, and family members to acknowledge the truth of my claims.

And since I know the mental issues my accuser deals with, I can also refer to a psychologist or another mental health resource.

An understanding of my accuser’s mind is one of the best counters to her claims. Yes, she acts in unstable ways, but they’re predictably unstable, and numerous people have experience with the problem I have now.

You shouldn’t be afraid to get professional help either.

Lawyer up if it’s serious enough.

Slander and libel are legit crimes. And if you can prove that your life is heavily impacted, especially financially, you may have a case.

So don’t go at this alone. You can bet your accuser isn’t.

4) Go One and Done

The biggest mistake people make when presenting any argument, defense, or reasoning is that they over-explain themselves.

Sure, you want to be as thorough as possible in your explanation, and you should reference points of that original argument to answer questions. But there’s no need to add to your stance or sate a mind that will never believe you.

If you’ve taken the necessary steps to present and defend the truth, you have to live with the results.

Learn to be comfortable with the fact that everyone won’t like, listen to, or believe you. Because the more you add to your original defense, the weaker it will appear.

You’ll also introduce more room for error. And it would be a shame for a memory lapse to cause an otherwise solid defense to fail.

Remember that it’s only your job to present the truth. Not to make others believe it.

I’m confident that my defense removes any ammo my accuser has left. So now the only claims she can bring against me are accusations of neglect—which don’t matter since I’m not her parent—or causing hurt feelings—which isn’t a crime in America yet.

I presented the truth one time, and now there’s no need to address her claims again.

Every accusation doesn’t deserve a response. So stay true to what really happened, and let people think what they want afterwards.

5) Don’t Even Fake It

These accusations have made me realize the importance of the Bible’s command to, “Abstain from all appearance of evil.” (1 Thessalonians 5:22 KJV)

It’s not enough to just avoid evil acts. You have to avoid situations where you could possibly do them too.

For instance, plenty articles on false accusations describe how to protect yourself against false rape claims. But if someone can accuse you of something like rape without an obvious fabrication, you are in over your head.

You can’t reach the point where a verdict is decided by a “yes” or “no.”

It’s one of the many reasons you shouldn’t sleep around in the first place. You are putting your life in the hands of someone who could easily change their mind in the morning. And you have to stay out of that gray area.

Remember to guard your character at all times. You never know when you’ll need to fall back on your integrity.

For example, I remember one conversation I had with a friend a few years back, and my accuser happened to be in the room.

My friend noticed that I received a few glances of interest from girls. So out of the blue he asked, “Drew, how many girls do you get?”

He chuckled while asking the question, so of course it wasn’t anything serious. He didn’t ask about anything explicitly sexual either.

So being the joker I am, I said something along the lines of, “I don’t know. I lost count.”

Then the both of us laughed it off.

But there’s a chance my accuser heard those words and immediately assumed the worst.

It would have been ridiculous to say something like:

“I’m sorry sir, but I am a Bible-believing man of God who has accepted the challenge to live righteously. How dare you imply that I live such a heinous lifestyle?!”

So I had a quick laugh and moved off the subject.

But even this could have added to her claims. So now I try not to even joke about stuff like that—at least not when I’m around people who barely know me.

You should do the same. But don’t limit your efforts to watching your tongue:

Always dress in a respectable manner.

Avoid the crazy nighttime venues—they’re magnets for people like my accuser.

And please don’t go to a hotel room belonging to a member of the opposite sex.

Presentation always matters.

Avoid the appearance of evil, and it’ll be impossible to even accuse you.

Grant Me That Chance

I’ve had enough headaches from my past relationship, and I’d rather not think about it anymore.

But it was important to defend myself here before any other false info leaked.

I hope none of it came across as too aggressive though. I wrote all of this to clear my name, not to get revenge.

From all I’ve seen, read, and now experienced, real victims don’t go out of their way to destroy their abuser’s life. They just want justice and a chance to finally move on.

So if anything else comes up about this, please remember this point and grant me that chance.

Contrary to what some people think, I don’t hate my accuser, and I hope she’s able to turn her life around.

If there was a normal version of her who didn’t have what she had, I’d love to meet her. But the ship has sailed on anything between me and the real her.

All I want now is peace and the freedom to live a good life. And I’m sure that’s all you want too.

So remember who you are, take a stand for the truth, and then defend it with your life.

And who knows? Someone else may come to your defense if you do.

-Drew

[splendidlyimperfect]

Hi, I have a request but you don't have to fill it I understand if it's too sad or hard to write. Would you be willing to write a story about either abortion or miscarriage/pregnancy loss? I know it's a very heavy and controversial topic but I have been struggling and you write difficult things so beautifully. I've cried many times reading your stories about self harm, suicide, grief, mental illness. Your stories are so raw and real and they bring me so much comfort. Either way thank you.

hey anon - i’m so sorry that you’re going through this and i hope you have people in your life to support you through it. i’m really honored that you reached out and i’m always happy to talk if you need to. i hope this is what you’re looking for <3 

**cw for unplanned pregnancy, trans pregnancy, and abortion

a/n: this story is about someone chosing to have an abortion to end an unplanned/unwanted pregnancy. the abortion itself doesn't take place in the story, but the discussion/decision does. if that's not for you, please don't read it. i'm pro choice, the story is pro choice, and i'm not interested in debating. please don't leave anti choice comments trying to convince me i'm wrong because they will be ignored and deleted.

take my heart clean apart (if it helps yours beat)

sweetheart, you look a little tired when did you last eat? come in and make yourself right at home stay as long as you need tell me, is something wrong? if something’s wrong, you can count on me you know i’d take my heart clean apart if it helps yours beat ~ two, sleeping at last

An insistent buzzing slowly dragged Natsu from his sleep and he grumbled, rolling over and feeling around on the bedside table for his phone. The only light in the room came from the glow of the blunt half-moon hanging in the sky, and he groaned when he squinted at the phone screen and realized it was three in the morning. He was about to turn the phone off when his brain caught up and realized it was Gray’s name on the call display.

“’lo?” Natsu yawned as he answered.

There was a long silence, then Gray’s quiet voice. “Can I come over?”

Natsu frowned. “Yeah, of course,” he said, rubbing his face. “’s matter? You okay?”

Another pause stretched out until Natsu’s confusion started to turn to anxiety.

“No,” Gray answered eventually.  

Natsu sat up, pushing the blankets off and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. “What’s wrong? You need me to come get you?”

“No,” Gray said quickly, “I can—I’m downstairs.” His voice wavered and Natsu realized that he was crying. “Can you buzz me in?”

Continue reading on AO3

“Yeah, just gimme a sec.”

Natsu made his way into the living room and pressed the buzzer, waiting for the click that told him that Gray was inside. The phone line went dead and Natsu stared down at the screen. Something heavy settled in his stomach when he realized he’d missed three calls from Gray before he’d finally woken up.

A few seconds later there was a soft knock on the door, and Natsu opened it to find Gray, wrapped in a hoodie with red eyes and damp cheeks.

“Hey,” Natsu said gently, reaching out and touching Gray’s arm. Gray shied away, shaking his head and wrapping his arms around himself. “C’mere,” Natsu said, stepping back and gesturing for Gray to come in. “What’s going on? Are you hurt?”

Gray shook his head, keeping his gaze on the floor as he stepped carefully into the apartment. Happy, who had been curled up on the couch, hopped down with a lazy meow and padded over to greet him.

“Are you still sick?” Natsu asked, taking in Gray’s pale, drawn face. He’d been out of school with the flu for the last few days, and Natsu had been planning to visit him tomorrow to drop off their latest assignment. “Stomach flu isn’t—”

“It’s not the flu.”

Natsu frowned. Gray’s voice was tight, and he sniffed as he pulled the sleeves of his hoodie down over his hands. Happy meowed and rubbed himself against Gray’s legs, but Gray ignored him.

“I’m… I…” Gray swallowed, finally looking up at Natsu with red-rimmed eyes. “I’m pregnant.”  

There was a fleeing moment where Natsu forgot Gray was trans, forgot that it was possible, and he almost laughed because obviously Gray was joking, but why would he joke about something like that, and he was crying, which wasn’t funny at all—

“Oh,” Natsu said softly, unable to help the quick glance down to Gray’s stomach, then back up to his face.

“Yeah.” Gray’s voice broke and he wiped his face with his sleeve as the tears he’d been trying to hold in started to run down his cheeks. Natsu stared helplessly at him for a second, then quickly stepped forward and pulled him into a hug.

“It’s okay,” he said quietly, heart breaking as Gray started to cry in earnest, forehead pressed to Natsu’s shoulder and hands clutching at Natsu’s shirt.

“It’s not,” Gray insisted through his tears.  “It’s not—I can’t fucking have a… a baby, I can’t. It’s—I’ve got school, and my loans, and I live in a shitty dorm, not even a real apartment.” The words came faster, and his shoulders shook with the force of his tears. “I don’t have any money, or a job, and my parents aren’t—and how could I—”

“Gray.” Natsu interrupted as gently as possible, running his hand up and down Gray’s back and trying to calm his panicked breaths. “Breathe. You’re gonna be okay.”

He kissed Gray’s temple, then pulled back just enough to nudge him toward the couch. Once they sat down, Gray quickly curled up against Natsu, grabbing one of the cushions and holding it against his stomach as he cried.

Natsu held him close, trying to sort through the thousand thoughts that were racing through his mind. The two of them had been friends forever – through Gray’s parents’ deaths, through Natsu’s dad leaving, through happiness and heartbreak and everything in between. Something more had always simmered beneath the surface of their friendship, and it had culminated a few weeks ago in a tipsy, sweet first kiss. Since then, things had been in a sort of strange limbo – a delicate balance of careful flirting as they navigated their new dynamic. Gray was happier than Natsu had ever seen him, all shy smiles and tentative hand holding, and soft kisses when nobody was looking.

But now Gray was terrified and crying in his arms, and Natsu didn’t know what to do. Panic, confusion, and a deep sense of love warred in his mind, and he held Gray closer, pressing his face against the top of Gray’s head.

Gray eventually stopped crying, but he stayed curled up against Natsu, occasionally sniffling or rubbing his face. Happy hopped up onto the couch and turned in several circles before settling down next to Gray and purring happily. The only other sound in the apartment was the occasional car passing by twenty floors below.  

“I don’t know who it was,” Gray said eventually, pulling his legs up onto the couch and shifting until his head was tucked under Natsu’s chin. “Or when.” His voice was rough and quiet, and Natsu could hear the shame behind his words. “How long ago, I mean,” he added. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Natsu said gently, running his fingers up and down Gray’s arm. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Gray shook his head. “I did, but I—I promise, I haven’t been with anyone since we… but before that. There was a guy from the dorm party. And other… I don’t…”

He trailed off; cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

“Gray,” Natsu interrupted. “You don’t have to justify sleeping with people, especially not to me.”

“You don’t,” Gray mumbled. “Sleep with people, I mean.”

Natsu sighed. “That’s because I’m not into sex, dummy, you know that. It has nothing to do with anything else, and you can sleep with whoever you want. Or however many people you want, it doesn’t matter. I mean, I know we haven’t talked about what that means for us, but you didn’t do anything wrong and I’m not judging you.”

Gray didn’t say anything, but he let Natsu take his hand. Natsu could feel the frantic flutter of Gray’s pulse when his fingers touched Gray’s wrist.

“Are you sure?” Natsu asked. “That you’re pregnant, I mean.”

Gray nodded, staring at their joined hands. “Yeah, I took a test from the drugstore. Two of them, and they were both positive. But I always use condoms and I’m on the pill and it’s… fucking stupid, that’s like a one percent chance. Fuck.” He pressed his forehead to Natsu’s chest. “I don’t know what to do.”

Natsu ran his thumb across Gray’s shoulder. His mind was a mess of thoughts he couldn’t keep up with. What if he wants to keep it? What if he doesn’t? How do I help him? I’m not ready to be a parent. I don’t think he is either. It’s his choice. I’ll do anything for him.

He exhaled, focusing on Gray – the grass stain on the knee of his jeans, the freckle on the back of his hand, the way his socks didn’t match.

“What do you need?” Natsu asked. “Do you just want me to listen? Or do you wanna talk about… options, I guess?”

Gray shrugged. “I dunno.” Natsu could tell he was trying to be nonchalant, but his hands were shaking and Natsu could feel his shoulders tense.

“Hey.” Natsu pulled back, shifting until he was facing Gray. “We’re gonna figure this out.”

“How?” Gray whispered.

Natsu hesitated. This wasn’t something he could back down from. Promising to potentially help raise a kid with his best-friend-turned-partner at three in the morning probably wasn’t the soundest decision Natsu had ever made.

But Natsu loved Gray, and he wouldn’t let him do this alone.

“Together,” he said. He leaned in, brushing Gray’s hair out of his face and tucking it behind his ear with a shaky hand. “If you want to – if you decided to keep it, if you wanted that… we could make it work. It’s not impossible, and I’ll always be here for you.”

Gray’s expression shifted as his grip on Natsu’s hand tightened. “But it’s not… you’re not…”

“Doesn’t matter.” Natsu ran his fingers through Gray’s hair again, then closed his eyes and leaned in, pressing their foreheads together. “Gray, you’re one the most – no, the most important person in my life. I’m here for you no matter what, and if you want to do this, I’ll be right here with you, okay?”

Gray made a sound that was somewhere between a sob and a laugh, brushing his nose against Natsu’s and giving him a quick, gentle kiss.

“You’re amazing,” he said as he sat up, and there were tears on his cheeks, but a tiny smile on his lips. “And you’re the most important person in my life, too.” Then he sighed, still not quite looking at Natsu. “I don’t want to, though.”

Natsu couldn’t tell exactly what was happening in his stomach – it twisted in a strange combination of relief, apprehension, and affection.

“Don’t want to what?”

“Keep it.” Gray shook his head. “The whole way here, on the bus—I kept thinking about it. Trying to picture it, being pregnant. Having a baby. Giving it up, keeping it, whatever, just… all of it. And I can’t.” He took a deep breath, then exhaled, staring down at their hands. “I want to get an abortion.”

He tensed, and before Natsu could say anything, he quickly added, “I just... I know you’d help, and I know there’s... but it doesn’t—”

“Okay,” Natsu said, interrupting the shaky, uncertain words.

Gray looked up at him. “Okay?”

“Of course.” Natsu squeezed his hands. “You don’t have to justify it. It’s your body and your choice.” Gray swallowed. “I said I’m here for you no matter what, and I meant it.”

Gray slowly relaxed his grip on Natsu’s hands as he let out a shaky breath. “Will you come with me?” he asked quietly.

“Of course,” Natsu said immediately. “Do you know where to go? Like, do you have to make an appointment?”

“Yeah. If it’s early enough they can just do – it’s a pill, not a surgery. But I dunno how many weeks I am so I guess they have to do an ultrasound or something.” He pulled his phone from his pocket, swiping the screen and handing it to Natsu. It was open to a website for the Health Options center downtown. Natsu scanned the page while running his thumb across Gray’s knuckles.

“Okay, looks like they open at nine. You wanna call them then?”

“Yeah.” Gray nudged Natsu’s knee. “Are you sure...” He trailed off.

“Sure about what?”

“That you’re not... I dunno, mad? Or something?”

Natsu frowned. “Why would I be mad?”

“Ugh, I don’t know. You just seem so...” Gray gestured vaguely. “Not... upset?”

“Did you think I was gonna be?”

Gray looked away and fiddled with the hem of his jeans.

“Gray,” Natsu said gently. “I’m not mad. I’m surprised, and I’m worried for you. This is gonna suck, even if it’s not the surgery.”

“I know.” Gray chewed his lip. “I just feel stupid.”

“You’re not stupid,” Natsu reassured him. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Are you worried about us?” He nudged Gray’s arm.

“Maybe.” Gray let go of Natsu’s hand and rubbed his face. “I just... yeah, I like sex, and it’s fun and stuff, but I love you more than I like that, and now this is just like, a stupid thing, and you’re taking care of me even though you didn’t have anything to do with it, like you were willing to...” He made a frustrated sound. “I don’t feel like I deserve it.”

“Of course you do,” Natsu insisted. “Even if we weren’t together, I’d still be here for you. You’re my best friend. And I mean, eventually we should talk about the sex thing ‘cause I'm not like, dooming you to a life of celibacy if we’re together, but we can figure that out later, okay?”

“’kay.”

Natsu reached out to touch Gray’s chin, tipping his head up until they were looking at each other. Gray’s eyes were red and bloodshot, and the skin around them was dark and puffy. “When was the last time you slept? Or ate?”

“A while,” Gray said, making a face. “I can’t sleep, and I throw up everything I eat.”

Natsu made a sympathetic sound, then leaned in and kissed Gray’s forehead. “Well, I’m hungry, and since we’re not going back to sleep and the clinic isn’t open for—” he leaned back and checked the clock on the microwave “—at least three hours, we’re going to that 24-hour diner for breakfast. You can watch me eat pancakes and try to eat some toast.”

“Do I have to?”

“Yes.” Natsu pushed himself off the couch and reached out to Gray, taking his hands and pulling him to his feet. “Just try, okay? For me?”  

Gray grumbled half-heartedly but let Natsu pull him into a hug. They stood for a minute, holding each other in the soft, quiet dark of the morning. Then Natsu nudged Gray’s head and leaned in to kiss him. It was gentle and sweet, and Natsu hoped it was the reassurance Gray needed.

When they pulled apart, Gray was smiling. His eyes were still red, and his hands still shook a little, but the sight of his smile made Natsu’s heart ache in the best way. It was familiar and comforting, and it made Natsu certain that even though the next few days – or weeks – would be hard, they were going to be okay.

“Thank you,” Gray said softly.

“Always.” Natsu slipped his fingers between Gray’s and pulled him toward the door. “Now c’mon, those pancakes aren’t gonna eat themselves.”

[if-the-crown-fits-translate-it]

Discord pt 91

[Date: 17/03, 07:20 PM GMT - 17/03, 07:41 PM GMT]

[CW for self-harm, gore]

Little-K1ng: “hello everyone i just woke up”

Maxwell: “eyyyyyyy

so....

things have gotten worse”

Little-K1ng: “oh?

at least my migraine subsided a little (for now)”

fetch: “...hey.”

Little-K1ng: “so i can handle Problems and possible Consider Solutions

...hey”

Maxwell: “we had about uh two arguments”

Little-K1ng: “oh ffs

between who”

Maxwell: “uh fetch and jack then a small problem with prince”

fetch: “and since everyone's yanking my collar here i figure I should tell you.”

Jack the Observer: “Fetch and I”

Maxwell: “or rather asher”

fetch: “i... have a circlet growing too.”

Little-K1ng: “ah..... of course you do

somehow that doesnt upset me as much as knowing you felt the need to lie to me about it”

Jack the Observer: “...”

Maxwell: “and then uh prince saw fetch and jack were arguing over whether or not to tell us when prince appeared....”

jayyyyyyyy: “hey mona, check behind your ears? considering youre the fourth”

Little-K1ng: “am i?

did one of them say that?”

jayyyyyyyy: “well, crown did say all the four were together when you were with fetch, marcus and max

it was heavily implied..?”

Maxwell: “we tried to tell faem not to look in here but fae did and prince read back a lot of stuff”

fetch: “there's nothing official. if you aren't growing one then we don't have to worry.”

Maxwell: “and found out me and fetch were knight and page—”

Little-K1ng: “i cant feel anything, but as long as fetch has figured out the difference between knotting hair and gold, i will take a second opinion”

Maxwell: “i then told prince faer name before fae became prince and uh didnt go well

fae panicked and were confused and then more arguing started”

Little-K1ng: “what did you think was going to happen when you did that?

i mean that in a very kind way, of course.”

Maxwell: “i dont kow the others brought it up but i didnt think it would cause such a bad reaction to faem”

Jack the Observer: “And you’ve been getting migraines, Mona.

Better be safe than sorry.”

Maxwell: “fae....fae ended up scartching their arms really bad”

[Jack the Observer: “And you’ve been getting migraines, Mona.]

Little-K1ng: “thats my secret, jack. i always get migraines”

Jack the Observer: “But.

Little-K1ng: “its alright, max. you didnt know”

Jack the Observer: “Make sure.”

Maxwell: “oh and uh...theres more buds

and theyve started blooming....”

Little-K1ng: “oh? let me see

hm, yeah... thats some buds, bud”

Jack the Observer: “Remember someone to check Marcus as well.”

Maxwell: “heh

he feel asleep earlier but said we could check

hes got nothing as far as we saw”

Little-K1ng: “ill check him later”

jayyyyyyyy: “thats kinda making me wonder. why are flowers only blooming on max and fetch, but not marcus?

marcus is arguably a more important asset to crown. hes been there since the beginning”

fetch: “they aren't flowers on mine. they're just seeds.”

jayyyyyyyy: “you know what i mean”

Maxwell: “honeslty im fine with them not appearing on marcus it hurt so fucking much man”

Jack the Observer: “Marcus seems... historically immune to Crown’s abilities though.”

Maxwell: “my head felt horrid this morning”

Little-K1ng: “here, i have some ointment stuff thats like a local anesthetic, itll dull the pain”

Maxwell: “thank you”

Little-K1ng: “then we can see about the headache”

jayyyyyyyy: “yeah i was just about to say

painkillers are a good idea too

this may seem kinda gorey, but, uh..

(tw)

you think maybe the circlets you had on, uh.. planted something? in your heads?”

Marcus: “...”

Little-K1ng: “oh hi marcus”

Marcus: “Good...morning?

What time is it?”

Little-K1ng: “i havent even looked, im just up as well”

Marcus: “Oh”

Little-K1ng: “mid afternoon, almost definitely”

Marcus: “oh”

jayyyyyyyy: “hi marcus”

Marcus: “Wait when did I.. how long was I asleep?”

Maxwell: “yeah im surprised you didnt wake up from our arguing”

Marcus: “Hi jeight”

fetch: “you've been out for a while. was starting to get worried.”

jayyyyyyyy: “really pulling a gnf huh”

Little-K1ng: “marcus and fetch, you both have been sleeping almost more than i do”

Marcus: “I would back read but....judging from the recent stuff I see, I’d rather not”

Little-K1ng: “yeah...

would you two like to update him a little?”

Marcus: “We’re checking laurels?”

jayyyyyyyy: “want a summary?”

Maxwell: “ive been tired but trying to keep from sleeping, ive been falling asleep at school though...”

Little-K1ng: “im just putting some stuff behind max's ears to help the pain

if you start getting pain there too, let me know and ill do the same”

fetch: “max's laurel is growing, prince remembered faer real name and disappeared.”

jayyyyyyyy: “falling asleep at home is better than during class, max :(”

[fetch: “max's laurel is growing, prince remembered faer real name and disappeared.”]

Marcus: “fuck”

Maxwell: “fetch has seeds on his head now too”

fetch: “...yeah. that too.”

Marcus: “Guys...come on

There’s a reason..

guys”

jayyyyyyyy: “you good?”

fetch: “its whatever. max is the one who's hurting, we should help him first.”

Marcus: “Before you two, people went to crown willingly”

[fetch: “its whatever. max is the one who's hurting, we should help him first.”]

Little-K1ng: “dont lie to me. if you're in pain, you had better tell me. we talked about this...”

Maxwell: “yeah prince found out me and fetch were page and knight and it did not end well

fae thought we left because of faem”

[Little-K1ng: “dont lie to me. if you're in pain, you had better tell me. we talked about this...”]

fetch: “I'm fine.”

Marcus: “Fetch.

Come on”

fetch: “im telling you guys im fine I promise.”

jayyyyyyyy: “being all humble n shit isnt gonna help anyone, fetch”

Marcus: “Don’t start arguing Fetch

seriously

Who does that help in the end

Who”

fetch: “for fucks sake why does nobody ever let me do things myself. everyone always has to get involved in my own problems.”

jayyyyyyyy: “this isnt just your problem”

Marcus: “Fetch, your problems are very quickly becoming everyones problems”

[fetch: “for fucks sake why does nobody ever let me do things myself. everyone always has to get involved in my own problems.”]

Little-K1ng: “because i care, fetch. ive had to go through the grief of losing you too many times. the least i could do is dull some of the pain”

Marcus

We’re not trying to get everyone involved

We’re telling you that if you’re in pain, we can help

fetch: “im not in pain jesus fucking christ.”

Maxwell: “....”

fetch: “it doesn't hurt.”

Marcus: “Fetch.”

fetch: “max's does.”

Little-K1ng: “it wont in a while, ive done what i can to treat it”

Marcus: “it doesn’t matter if Max’s hurts, you can both be hurting at the same time”

Little-K1ng: “its your turn. sit down and let me help”

jayyyyyyyy: “fetch, tell the truth. does it hurt?”

Marcus: “Tell the fucking truth”

fetch: “no it doesn't hurt how many times do i have to tell you.”

Marcus: “Don’t hide shit away in a document and then delete it when you get called out”

Maxwell: “IT DOES”

fetch: “i can barely fucking feel it.”

Maxwell: “I KNOW IT DOES

SYD SCREAMED IN PAIN WHEN IT HAPPENED AND IM IN PAIN

It hurts and you know it”

[derenger]

Growing up, parenting and gaming - Longread on life, computer games and finding yourself

This longread is dedicated to and written for all those current and former kids, who had or have troubles growing up, taking decisions, finding themselves in the world they live in, who play games independently of age and – perhaps – have not lost their love for a good game, good times and good buddies.

Perhaps it will help someone in their life. If that happens – I shall think of this writing as useful and my time writing it as not completely wasted.

The ideas have been on my mind for over 2 years now (they started getting very clear when I started doing therapy) and I have to put them on paper now.

Here it goes.

I grew up in the 90s in Eastern Europe. After the USSR collapsed millions of people found themselves without work, perspectives and means of existence. We were lucky that my dad had a good job that was paid in hard currency, however he was barely home – and by that I mean like seeing him 2 or 3 times a month.

We had good living conditions compared to others and my mom did the best she could too take care of my younger bro and me.

The first time we were exposed to computer games was when I was like 7 and my bro was 5 – in the office where the boyfriend of our aunt has been working. We played Dangerous Dave, Scorched Earth, Socoban, Digger, Civilization, The Incredible Machine and some others I do not recall the names. And of course, we liked it and it did not take long for our dad to install them on his PC at home. 2 years later my best buddy got Doom 2 installed on his PC and that was the absolute blast. We spent weeks trying to figure out how to get through level 2 and it was a big holiday when our buddy finally did.

My dad tried to restrict TV and computer time per week, so we always opted for the PC. Over time I learned to turn it on by myself and play when there was no one at home. My dad did not know.

A couple of our friends had 8bit consoles - soviet bootlegs of Super Nintendoes, with TMNT and Chip n Dale, but that was probably it. After all, we were living in a small village with not that many possibilities to make money.

When I was 10 we moved to a bigger city into a 1 room apartment. All 4 of us. This was 1996. 2 other very important things:

We started going to a far bigger school than before, where the mood was totally different from what we were used to. We were bullied and beaten, could not get along with other pupils and teachers and no one actually cared.

Father was home every day.

We started going to a far bigger school than before, where the mood was totally different from what we were used to. We were bullied and beaten, could not get along with other pupils and teachers and no one actually cared.

Father was home every day.

I mean, father was present home every day. It is not like he spent time with us doing sports or whatever. He just had any idea what to do with us as this was his first long time exposure to kids in the 11 years we were a family.

He was more of an authoritarian guy – we were not supposed to waste time in gaming clubs, listen to stupid music (Prodigy, Beastie Boys), we should have studied well, read books, have been doing sports and in general act like good kids.

We were doing some martial arts sports cause mom brought us there. We were taking music classes cause “everyone has to”. We were supposed to help out at home. We were not supposed to hang out with “bad” kid or stay outside till late hours. We were not supposed to smoke, swear and simulate illness to miss classes. We were not supposed to get into trouble.

It is not like we were putting a lot of thought into it. We just moved to the city from rural area and frankly speaking were absolutely not happy about. I guess we just went with the flow.

This was also the time when the first “gaming spot” in town opened – they had 2 Sega Mega Drives II and 1 Sony PlayStation. MK3, MK3 Ultimate, Contra Hard Cops, Golden Axe, some samurai fighting games for the Sega. SPS – Red Alert, Twisted Metal, Duke Nukem, Doom and of course – an incredible breakthrough for its time – Quake 2. And that was a revelation. I recall mom giving us money from time to time. To go play. Sega cost like 1 buck and hour, SPS – 1,5 bucks – far more expensive, so we played mainly on Sega.

At the same time we did have some games at home – Doom, Power Formula 1, Lines, the same Civilization, Lion King, Alladin, Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis, Gods and Dune 2000. Dad did not want to allow us play games. Like, at all. Don’t ask me why he never deleted the games. The PC was mainly used for him to work. So when he left home, he took the power cable of the monitor and closed it in his spare suitcase. What we did was to unplug the cable from the printer and use for the monitor. Later on he hid both cables – from the monitor and the PC in the suitcase. I found a way to open the suitcase with a very fine flat screwdriver. Mom hid the fact from our dad for a while until he noticed the suitcase was “broken”. I believe they did not speak with each other for a week. But I am still proud of the fact of cracking that suitcase! Fuck yeah!

Things started getting worse when I transferred to a lyceum - 1998. I was 12. This was like a gymnasium for hardcore science-kids, where they went deep into math and natural sciences. I was hysterical the first 2 years as I was barely making the program. Even my dad had troubles solving the math they gave us. Music classes turned to shits. I had no time nor mood for sport. But I had to keep doing it all. Just because. There were a couple of bullies in class, whose parents bribed the management of the school so that their kids would have fancy graduation papers at the end and frankly speaking no one could get a grip on them. That had me very depressed.

Around 13 I started stealing money from my parents and missing classes to go to computer clubs – their number was getting bigger every week, consoles started to disappear. Half Life, CS 1.6, Age of Empires 2, Q3, D2 1.07, Black and White, SimCity 2000, NOX, StarCraft Brood War and many other games had our full attention. The biggest part of it was the fact you could play with or against your friends! That was so fucking awesome! At the same time I started discovering sci-fi and rock music, but that is a different story.

We stole a lot of money from our parents in those times and missed a lot of classes and of course after 3 or 4 months it all got revealed. Boy oh boy our dad smoked us. That was very very tough for a kid when all the things he actually liked were taken from him. Dark times when we were seriously asking ourselves what the hell our parents wanted from us as aside from the stuff they told us to do they never really told us what was it for. Everything else was useless, stupid or waste of time.

Somehow my marks at school got better closer to graduation and I graduated almost with a medal, went to university. I remember they had this PC club with like 200 PCs and from time to time we skipped one or the other lecture to play Starcraft or CS, but very quickly boozing with buddies became the major leisure activity and pushed gaming to the back. I did pretty well at the university, made my master with excellence and that was it – 6 years flew by in a blink of an eye.

I got my own PC during the first year at the uni, played a bit of Warcraft 3, HOMM 3, Quake 3, Lineage II but it was not like I was deep into that. I remember after defending my master I spent like 3 days playing Crysis without anyone saying a word. I mean, I was through with the university. I was free!

Soon after that I went on to work abroad as a project engineer in the chemical industry.

At the moment I am doing sales engineer for a good salary in Berlin, I am married and except for the Corona and all the restrictions it brought life seems ok.

During the last 10 years of my “adult” life I have been in many different situations. I have been very sick a couple of times, running on the edge of life and death. I have been in some useless relations that only drained energy and nerves from me. I also have been diagnosed with depression and burnout at some point, did therapy and consider myself fully recovered from both. I’ll be summarizing it all below.

When I look at my life it did occur to me that gaming was far more important than just the sheer desire to shoot buddies and skip school.

Growing up under the conditions where everything is predetermined one does not really get the chance to expose your own wish. After all, my parents both come from very unhappy families and did not have the exactly best examples of parenting.

It occurred to me that they never really cared about anything we achieved – whether in school, music or sports. I recall a couple of times when I did really good, like winning the City-contest in English language or getting my first “good” in algebra in 7th grade as that shit was extremely tough. I do not recall any reaction. In fact, mom and dad put their close attention to us only when things started getting really bad, like when we were skipping classes or got arrested for setting up fireworks in a crowded place. We never really got any positive feedback for anything we did because our parents just had no idea how to do that. I do not blame them – they were trying their best from their own experience.

And gaming was the absolute opposite to all of that.

Going to computer clubs we knew exactly that we were surrounded by like-minded lads. We made some good friends along the way – lads, who were always ready to jam on de_dust or bring their D2 chars to share some loot. One of the owners of the club had a daughter who was really good in Q3 – I remember everyone has been looking at her like she was some sort of demigod. The games gave us the space and playground we needed so much – clear even rules for everyone. If you frag – you win. If you don’t – you lose. If you suck – the older guys would always help with a couple of tips. Games also gave us control. I really liked the games where you went on an adventure, like NOX or Will Rock or serious Sam. Gaming also gave us the space to take our own decisions and suffer the full consequences if these were wrong – getting overrun by zerglings or getting fragged with rocket launcher with QUAD DAMAGE.

Gaming clubs were our safe space. At some point our dad did raid the computer clubs and did bust us a couple of times. Sure we got beaten on those occasions.

I recall my bro being very proud on getting 1st in the national 2v2 ladder in SC:BW later in the uni. He also used to game the whole night long at my parents place. This was over 10 years ago and they still do not know. He is still very good in SC though he does not play anymore.

I do play sometimes – currently grinding D2 and refreshing my knowledge in chess. I do not have more time for any other more or less serious game.

I am slowly approaching the point where I should write a conclusion – it is going to be quite simple. Gaming was the first opportunity to take my life into my own hands. It took me 32 years of my own life to find the power in me to take responsibility for myself and not to rely on someone else. My decision – my choice – my consequences. It took a lot of trouble and turmoil for me to get to this point and finally embracing the power within feels great. It was also the first surrounding of dudes just like me, which was a very good feeling back then.

During the last 6 months I switched to a job that pays almost the double of my previous one, my wife moved in with me from abroad, we have a nice apartment and are looking forward to vacations in the Alps. I still have to find a way to approach my parents though I am not sure the old hive is worth disturbing. I guess time will tell.

Whenever I am down or things do no go according to play – I do turn to gaming occasionally, just to get back into the world where I am in full control. It gives me power and I guess hope that everything will work out. If not now – then over time. You just have to keep practicing. And ask for help when it is needed.

I hope you found this read interesting.

[thekpopgossip]

Mina and Jimin...

Former AOA member Mina dropped a bombshell on Instagram when she posted about being bullied by one of the members for 10 years, and cited her as reason for leaving the group. Fans quickly figured out who she was talking about, since Mina mentioned that the members father had recently passed away, and then Jimin posted the word “Fiction” on her Instagram, basically calling Mina a liar. She later deleted that post while Mina directly messaged her and said she wants an apology for all the things she has done to her. She even posted a picture of her self-injured wrist and doesn’t seem to be in a good state mentally. I hope she has some people around who can watch out for her, because we know someone with severe depression and suicidal thoughts needs a lot of love to slowly heal again. (If you are suffering from such things, please reach out to family/friends/teachers/emergency hotlines)

FNC Entertainment (Mina told them about the bullying) and the other members have not officially said anything yet. Some fans are now wondering whether Choa left for similar reasons as Mina, and whether other members and Seolhyun, who is best friends with Jimin, really didn’t know about what was going on for all these years. I’m sure Mina’s father passing away and FNC not letting her take a break also did a lot of damage. I hope Mina can heal from all of this and talking about it publicly will have a positive not negative effect on her. The following post from Mina is a lot to take, but she described a little of what she went through in those 10 years:

UPDATE:

Mina says all of the AOA members and managers visited her house and talked. Jimin apologized and Mina accepted the apology but said she will work hard and continue with treatment. She can’t forget the past 10 years in one day but won’t make a “fuss” over it in public again. Full translation (x).

FNC stated that Jimin has left AOA.

You (Jimin) must be finding it difficult to just come and apologize to me. Every time we got a new manager, you’d say that I was scary and just  pretending to be stupid. Why did you say I was scary and pretending to be stupid? You’d say I was acting stuck up just because I went to auditions and when I worked hard to diet so my face would look nicer, you’d say, “Mina, what’s wrong with your body? I hate seeing it. Gain some weight.” When we were trainees, you’d hit me and say it was because I was at the front. We’d have to say, “Did you have a good night’s rest?” “Yes, I’m sorry,” and “Thank you” in a formal tone to you.   Everything had to go your way, you could bring anyone you wanted to the dorms. It was so noisy that I went to the practice room to sleep. You’d say things like, “Hey, hasn’t so-and-so changed these days?” and go around targeting different members. Oh right, remember when I didn’t greet you first at the hair and makeup shop and I got an earful, or don’t you? That’s only the light stuff. There are so many things that were so much worse over 10 years. But thanks to you, I have nothing to lose and I’m not afraid of anything? Because my source of fear was you, your existence caused me stress. You couldn’t have seen that from my previous posts till now, right? It just became a part of my life and now, I’ve forgotten it all and all I’m left with is mental illness. Along with some harsh words.

Every time I wrote a will, I would include your name. I thought maybe when you read it one day, you’d feel guilty. I’d have stress-induced convulsions and collapse, I’d attempt to commit suicide and collapse, my mom would cry, and my sister is battling cancer, but they’d have to keep going to the emergency room because of me. I’ve never talked back to you, and have I ever done anything wrong from when we were trainees to when we debuted and promoted? If I did, tell me. Did you not like me because I wasn’t good at flattery? But I still did my best. Whether I was told off or not, I would smile and keep approaching you, putting aside my pride. I was amazed to hear that you were taking prescribed medication for your mental health and were having  a hard time. You said everything you wanted to say and did almost  everything you wanted to do, you were so selfish. I was so envious of  you. Of course, everyone has struggles but at least you were able to freely express that? I always had to push it down. I’m not in the right  state of mind right now. But the person who made me like this is you. The person who made my family suffer is you. I used to be strong  mentally. When I was a trainee, I’d say it was because you’re the leader and told myself to pity you. But it’s still the same after all these years. I couldn’t tell anyone that I was suffering because of you.

Things finally exploded when it came time to renew contracts and that’s when my family found out. Did my family ever say something to you? Even when their daughter was attempted to commit suicide because of someone, they never got angry. You were able to cry when you wanted to and you received so much comfort. I was worried you’d tell me off again so for 10 years.. How did I spend that time? By the end, I had almost 200  sleeping pills because of you. I collapsed and I have no memory of that. I wrote your name on an A4 piece of paper and told my mom that I was sorry, and that’s how I still live every day. I’m broken as much as I  can be broken. Because of me, my mom is also suffering from depression, did you know? You are the one person who makes me not want to live, I’m  serious, you’re the only reason. Even if you came and sincerely apologized to me, I’m already broken so I collapse, I suddenly start  crying, I take out a knife, I write ‘Shin Ji Min’ down on a piece of  paper. I’m so broken and I’m so full of anger that my heart aches and I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m sorry to my mom, dad, and sister.

Can’t  you at least tell me why you hate me? With everything you did to me, you can’t say that you didn’t hate me. I’m so upset. I feel upset whenever I open my eyes. I feel like I’m going crazy. It’s so difficult. When you were sitting in the front passenger seat and turn back to us, my heart  would start racing because I thought you’d say something to me. I want  an apology from you. What will that do? I don’t know. But I feel like I need to something because I’m so angry. There’s no reason for why you tormented me, is there? Shin Ji Min, huh? I wish you could feel what I feel for just one day, I wish I could go back in time and change one day with you. You’ve had a comfortable life. Say something. Let’s hear it.  What did you hate about me that much? Huh? I really hate you too. If it  wasn’t for you, what would I be like now? At least I probably wouldn’t be crying every day, having nightmares every day, and trying to attempt suicide, right? Because I did nothing to do, I honestly want to go  around talking about you and telling people that I have a mental illness because of you. That’s why I’m like this now, sad, isn’t it? It’s  finally boiling over after being pent up. I can’t hold it in anymore, I can’t hide it anymore.

I heard you took medication and fell asleep, must be nice. I’m dunking my head in my sink and trying to not cry. I can eat  more than ten sleeping pills and not fall asleep, amazing, isn’t it? I’ll stay up for days so I can sleep. Even if I slit my wrists and the  floor of our house is covered in blood, I zone out. I blankly think about when I’m going to die, and some people have come running to save me, right? Why does there have to be so many people who are suffering because of me? Are you sleeping well? As soon as I heard that, I got angry again, teared up, and filled with rage. I’m strange, so strange. Try living a life where you have to dunk your head in the sink all the  time. It sucks. You are such a bad person. You have to know that. I want  to sleep too. I want to get a proper night’s sleep too. Why does  everyone around me have to suffer because of you? Why did you make me  such a bad person? I want to stop worrying people. But I’m so angry, I’m  so upset, I feel like I’m going crazy. Stop sleeping and apologize. Wake up, let me stop feeling broken anymore. Wow, I’m so angry.

My dream probably won’t come true, right? But if you’re a  human being, you shouldn’t act like that. And FNC Entertainment, I told  them everything at the end. I was half out of my mind, I couldn’t even open my eyes properly, and I stuttered. I hadn’t fully recovered from  taking hundreds of sleeping pills but I told them it was because of Jimin and they wouldn’t listen to me. Who should I talk to? I shouldn’t get angry? I’m like this every day. I’ve been living like this every day and you just didn’t know because I didn’t talk about it. From when I was 21 years old [Korean age reckoning], I’ve been hiding my medicine bottles and secretly taking medication so I could hold on. I’ve lived like this. Shin Ji Min, because of you. Because of that person who is sleeping so well right now.

To all those who are suffering because of someone...Fight. Don’t hold it in. Or grab someone and tell them. Sleeping pills?  Don’t take them. It will never end. Don’t live like me. Don’t hold it  in. Do everything you want to do and express yourself. Please live like  that.

[pandawritespoorly]

With Time: Chapter 41 - Everyday Heroes

Author’s Note: I spent so long looking into different fundraiser ideas, and then I threw a bunch together. Also, my sappiness shines through at the end. I'm really happy with this chapter though.

The next chapter is just an epilogue, and really short, so I'll be posting it tomorrow, along with the 'deleted scenes'.

Strong language warning! 'Damn'.

Chapter Summary: Chloe's nonprofit hosts its first fundraiser.

First | Previous | Last

Chloe: do you or your friends have any plans after school?

 Marinette: no y?

 Chloe: wonderful. I’ll be kidnapping you then

 Marinette: what

 Marinette shows her screen to Claude, who is sitting beside her at lunch.

“Oooh! I’ve always wanted to be kidnapped in a setting with no ill intentions!”

“Claude. Claude.” Allegra stresses his name, pointing at him with both hands pressed together. “I need you to know that that is one of the most you things you have ever said, but please give us context.”

“Or details at least. When are we being kidnapped, and for how long?”

“Who and why?”

“Chloe, but she’s being vague,” Marinette adds. “She’ll be grabbing us after school.”

“Alright then.”

---

“What’s up, Chlo’?” Adrien asks from the chair in her room where he’s sitting upside down.

“Now that we’ve been safely kidnapped, we’d love to know why!”

“Everyday Heroes will be having its first fundraising event soon, and I’d like help planning it.”

“Yesssss!!!!” Marinette cheers. She throws her hands in the air, knocking her flower crown from her head. Allan hands it back to her. “Thanks.”

“What sort of event were you planning on?” Felix prompts.

“Uhhh…” Chloe throws her arms in the air, falling backwards onto her bed. “I don’t know!”

“Going off of Google, there’s plenty of options,” Allegra consoles.

“Let’s go! 142 million results to go through!!”

---

“Thank you all for coming here to the first fundraiser for Everyday Heroes! We have t-shirts for sale, and a scavenger hunt available both on your phones and on paper for those of you willing to make a donation of any amount. All donations will be matched by my mother’s company, so anything and everything helps!” Chloe announces over the megaphone. “Once it begins to get dark we have paper lanterns for you to launch! Our first speaker will be beginning in half an hour, and we’ll be having regular speakers from that point on! Feel free to grab a flyer if you or someone you know is being bullied, the contacts listed there can and will help! Many thanks to the local businesses who assisted in providing food and supplies for this event! I hope you all have a wonderful evening, thank you!”

The crowd gives the girl polite applause before dispersing, looking around the event. Chloe turns to her friends, who are still applauding enthusiastically.

They all have a flower crown on, courtesy of Marinette, who has been running on a seemingly endless energy supply for a while now.

“Yay!! You did great!!” Marinette hugs her tightly.

“Thank you.”

“Great job.” Allegra grabs Chloe’s hand.

“My shift selling the shirts isn’t until later so what do you guys want to do?”

“If baguettes could move-”

“Claude, after the cereal soup, we know better than to engage in your debates-”

“-then how would they move?”

“Like a snake,” Allan decides.

“That’s assuming it doesn’t have to stay rigid though,” Marinette points out, “Is the baguette alive at this point? How freely can it move?”

Allegra sighs. “Here we go.”

With that, the group’s debate begins. They wander the event, (Chloe and Allegra are holding hands, as are Adrien and Marinette).

Felix shakes his head. “If it is alive, then it would not necessarily automatically gain the ability to bend its body at will. Humans cannot do that. That is why we have joints.”

“What class would it be? Because that would change things. Would it be a vertebrate or invertebrate?” Allan asks.

“It would move like an inchworm,” Adrien argues.

“That’s ridiculous!” Chloe interjects, “If a baguette could move, it would roll on its side.”

“I’m with Chloe,” Marinette resolves. “It makes the most sense.”

“I’m not so sure-” Allegra starts, ignoring the betrayed gasps from the two girls. “I think it would be more of a waddle? Is that the right word? Like one end forward, then the other.”

“Going off past precedent with sentient food,” Sabrina begins, “It would hop. Like VeggieTales.”

“You make a good point,” Allan agrees, “However, counter point, a baguette moving like a snake.”

“True. True.” Adrien nods sagely. “Again though, it would move like an inchworm. It just makes the most sense.”

“Who gave the baguette permission to bend?” Marinette mutters, “If I were to ever run into this hypothetical baguette, I’d put it back in the oven, because clearly, it’s too doughy.”

“Actually, you make a good point. How well cooked is this baguette?” Sabrina ponders.

Felix hums. “I think, for the sake of simplicity, we should assume it is baked properly. Also, unless we plan on changing the physiology of this baguette, it would be classified as an invertebrate, as baguettes lack backbones.”

“A standard baguette then. Nothing wrong with how it’s made or nothing added to the dough.”

“I insist it would roll.”

“Oh, you dear sweet fools,” Claude finally chimes in, “If a baguette were to move, it would do so in the most baguette way it could. It would gallop.”

“Excuse me?”

“Take Sabrina’s stance and just fold it. The baguette would need to get around to its baguette events as fast as baguette-ly possible, and therefore it would gallop.”

“He does make a fair point…”

“Thank you, Adrien.”

“He only agrees because your idea is one step removed from ‘inchworm’.”

“You’re both ridiculous! Utterly ridiculous!”

“Claude has brought about another interesting point. This baguette can move, but is it sentient? Is it moving by pure chance, or does it have motivations?” Felix queries.

“That’s a good point. If it is moving on pure chance, then it would most definitely remain rigid, and it would move in the simplest way possible. That would suggest that it just slides across the ground, or rolls, if we’re looking for something more exciting.”

“Dupain-Cheng, if you’re about to support the nonsense that they’ve been spewing-”

“However, if the baguette is moving because it needs to get somewhere-”

“Mari. Please.”

Marinette continues shamelessly, “-then maybe it would move in a more dramatic way.”

“Like galloping!” Claude chirps.

Felix opens his mouth, ready to make a point, then stops himself. “How did I get dragged into this debate in any form of a serious manner? This is a baguette.”

“Thank you!” Chloe cries, gesturing at Felix.

“Okay, but consider,” Adrien interrupts, “The baguette is moving because it needs to get somewhere, but it has to remain inconspicuous. How does it move then?”

Chloe, Allegra, and Felix sigh wearily, though everyone knows they’ll be joining the discussion soon enough.

---

Sabrina, Felix, Adrien, Allegra, Allan, and Claude gather near the platform where the speakers that Chloe arranged for have been addressing their listeners.

It’s beginning to get dark. That time after the sun sets when the dark blanket of night has yet to fully settle over the sky and you can still see fairly easily.

There’s one speaker left.

Chloe comes out.

“I’m privileged to be able to say that our final speaker tonight is my friend. Years ago, I never would have imagined I’d say that, and months ago I never thought I’d have that honor-”

“So that’s where they ran off to.” Allan smiles.

“I’m proud,” Allegra whispers. Everyone nods, having figured out what’s happening.

“-but she will forever surprise me with her infinite kindness. She is, in large part, the reason I decided to create this nonprofit. We were classmates for a long time, and I’m ashamed to say I bullied her relentlessly. Despite this, she never came to resent me, though I still think she should have. Instead, she showed me nothing but kindness. It is because of her that I am happier now than I have ever been before.” Chloe’s eyes shine with tears. “That’s enough from me. Everyone, please welcome Marinette Dupain-Cheng!”

Claude whoops. The group cheers, clapping loudly amidst the polite applause of the crowd.

Marinette blushes lightly as she walks onto the stage. She waves shyly, then smiles wide as she spots her friends, waving a little more confidently.

Chloe hugs her, hands her the mic, then walks off.

Marinette looks out at the crowd, still blushing.

“Uhh. Hey. I’m not very good at this whole-” she spins her hand, gesturing as though looking for words. “-’public speaking’ thing. Bear with me please. Um.”

She takes a deep breath, closing her eyes. When she opens them again, she stands a little straighter, face more confident.

Adrien smiles.

Their everyday Ladybug has arrived.

“In école, I was bullied. Often, and by more than just Chloe, despite what she may tell herself.” Marinette looks at the girl in question softly. “I was left to deal with it alone. My teacher and principal, as many of you may now know - due to the recent news about Dupont - did nothing. I was told that it was my job to be a good example for my peers. It was up to me to reform my tormentors.

“Obviously, that advice is nonsense. The victim of bullying is not responsible for saving themselves. Due to this environment though, I was not particularly confident. My anxiety festered. I was friendly with my classmates, but none of them did anything to help when something happened. I don’t blame them. They’d comfort me afterwards, which in the environment that my teacher created, really was all they knew to do.”

Her smile turns faintly nostalgic. “One year a new girl transferred to our school. She was strong, confident. She loved superheroes. She didn’t hesitate to stand up for me. She said, ‘all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good people do nothing’. That’s what this charity is all about, at least to me. That girl became my hero, through the simple action of standing up for me, and showing me I could do the same for myself. In this time of Hawkmoth and akumas, heroes seem like a far off magical concept. I want all of you to know that being a hero doesn’t require magical jewelry or anything of the sort. Being a hero is a choice you make. When you see something wrong, do something about it. Simple as that.

“That’s not the end of my story though, because to be a hero, you have to continue to make these choices. You can’t stop fighting the evils of the world once you find something more interesting. That’s how things go wrong.”

Marinette sighs, tears in her eyes. “And go wrong they did. With my new friend, my confidence only grew. I was happy. Then, it all came crashing down. Far quicker than I ever could have guessed, I lost all my friends. Falling so far, I got worse than I ever had been before. Things weren’t looking up. I transferred school, though it was less for myself and more because my parents wanted me too, and, well, I was more focussed on not upsetting people that I still cared about, and I’d figured out that the quickest way to upset them was for them to see me. So, just a few days after everything went wrong, I started at a new school, determined to stay out of everyone’s way and be the least obnoxious ‘waste of space’ I could be. I promptly ran into someone and tripped on them.”

She laughs, clearly happy despite the darkness of this portion of her story. “With that, I had quite literally stumbled upon my new group.” She waves lightly in their direction, and they wave back, Allegra and Allan with tears in their eyes. “Despite how much effort I put into trying not to ‘waste their time with my presence’, they refused to leave me. They’re the embodiment of what being an everyday hero is. For some time, the evil they were trying to triumph were the walls I had put up around myself. I didn’t want to let anyone in, because having lost so many people all at once, I was convinced that was the only way relationships of any kind could go.

“Well, they most certainly didn’t ‘do nothing’. Far from it. They’d put effort into being with me everyday. They sat with me in the classes we shared, and they invited me to hang out with them constantly. Not in a pushy way, just letting me know the invitation was there and open for me to accept.

“It took a month before I finally accepted. To say they were excited is an understatement. The poor librarian had to put up with some happy screeching that day.” She laughs.

“No regrets.” Claude whispers smugly.

Allegra smacks his arm. “The poor librarian regrets ever letting you in.”

“She loves me.”

“Begrudgingly, but our point still stands.”

“From there, we began hanging out regularly. I was happy, though the fact that I hadn’t yet told them why I transferred stressed me to no end. Once, an akuma attack caused them to unknowingly meet my former friend. I was terrified, but even being completely in the dark they stuck with me, calming me down when they found me having a panic attack, and simply inviting me over to do something calmer.

“I did eventually have to tell them what had happened. I was,” her voice cracks, “so scared. I was certain that for one reason or another they would leave me after that. It had only been a few months, and I was - understandably - still not fully recovered. I thought they’d hate me. I’d be alone again.”

She takes a deep shuddering breath, smiling wide despite the tears trailing down her face. “They didn’t. I wasn’t. They stayed, and they've continued to stay. Since then, they, along with the friends I had remaining from before my transfer, have been absolute angels. I’m not the same person I was before this whole mess, but I am a better, stronger person. My friends are a stellar example of how everyone can be a hero. They didn’t need superpowers to be there for me and continue to be there for me. For that, they’re all my heroes. They’re amazing.” She looks at them in the crowd. “I love you guys so much. Thank you.”

With that, she hands off the microphone and hurries off the stage. There’s more applause, mostly from her friends.

It doesn’t take them long to spot her coming, and she tackles all of them in a fervid, tight embrace.

“You did great, ‘Nette.” Allan squeezes her.

Claude does the same. “How are you so precious?”

Tears stream down Allegra’s face. “That was really touching, Mari. Thank you.”

Marinette shakes her head as much as she can in the group hug. “No, thank you guys. I wouldn’t be the same without you.”

“I am certain you would have managed. You are truly an extraordinary individual,” Felix assures.

“I’m with Felix, Marinette. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for,” Sabrina chimes in.

“We all know where I stand.” Adrien grins.

“Right by her side, like the sappy little beans you are.”

Eventually they break apart, Allegra and Marinette both with tear tracks on their faces.

They turn their attention back to the stage, where Chloe is speaking again.

“-You’ve probably noticed that the lanterns have little pieces of paper attached. If you have any wish you want to launch with your lantern, then that’s the place for it. Now, before we launch, everyone should probably spread out a little more.”

While the crowd disperses, readying their own lanterns, Chloe takes the chance to scribble something onto her lantern’s note quickly.

The friend group smiles at each other, writing their own wish down and spreading out, waiting for Chloe’s cue.

“Is everyone ready?”

There’s several shouts of ‘yes!’, and Chloe nods. After waiting another moment in case of any soft-spoken stragglers, she confesses, “My wish with this lantern, is that something, somewhere, positive comes of this. I want something to reach someone who needs it, and their life is improved, even slightly by it.”

With that she releases the lantern into the air, she watches it float into the sky for a moment before leaving the stage. Everyone else follows suit.

Adrien and Marinette stare at the sky, hand in hand. She whispers, “Isn’t it beautiful?”

He moves his gaze from the lanterns to Marinette. “Yeah. Yeah it is.”

She spots him staring at her and turns pink. “Adrien. Focus on the lanterns right now. What’d you wish for?”

He squeezes her hand. “I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to say. That's how wishes work, right?”

“I suppose.” She rests her head on his shoulder.

After a moment, he shifts to face her, cupping her face with his hand. She looks at him questioningly.

“Hey, Mari?”

“Yeah?”

He kisses her. She straightens in surprise momentarily, then has to stop herself from smiling. She squeezes his hand where their fingers are still interlaced, and his other hand - still resting on her cheek - drifts slightly to push her flyaway hairs out of her face.

Chloe has finally joined the friend group, and upon seeing Adrien and Marinette just remarks, “It’s about damn time.”

Allegra straightens, grabbing Chloe’s hand. “Yeah, yeah it is.”

Then the blonde whirls around and kisses Chloe as well.

Claude, who has been taking pictures, immediately turns and gets pictures of the two girls. “My ships are sailing, my ships are sailing, my ships are sailing. Somebody make this a national holiday right now. My ships! Are! Sailing!” He whispers excitedly.

Adrien and Marinette break apart, touching foreheads and staring into each other’s eyes for a moment, grinning identical, tender, and affectionate grins.

They finally step away from each other, both gasping in delight at Allegra and Chloe.

Adrien manages to keep his fangirl squeal from being disruptively loud, and Marinette takes a picture of her own.

“Glad you didn’t miss this.” Allan comments softly. “Three cheers for Ally, internally though, otherwise she may kill us.”

Marinette nods, then whispers, “My ship is sailing.”

“Now you sound like Claude.” Allan nods toward the taller boy who has stopped taking pictures, but remains just as exuberant. Felix snaps his fingers in front of their face, and they don’t respond. He turns toward Allan and shrugs.

Allan sighs. “We may need to reboot him.”

“Possibly.” Marinette giggles.

“Promise me you’ll remember how to breathe? That one forgot.” Allan asks as he moves towards Claude.

“I will, though I make no promises for Adrien.”

The blond boy has stopped squealing, but bounces cheerily next to Marinette.

By now, Chloe and Allegra have broken apart, and have taken in the chaos around them.

“You broke Claude.” Marinette jerks her thumb in his direction.

“I believe it was a group effort. Both his ships sailed at once,” Felix corrects, “I suppose each of you can take exactly 25% of the credit.”

“Adrikins isn’t doing much better,” Chloe observes.

“He’s a hopeless romantic, you know this.”

Chloe strides up to Adrien and flicks him in the head. That’s enough to break him from his stupor. He just hugs her happily.

She begrudgingly allows this, though they can all tell that she’s only acting.

She’s just as happy as the rest of them.

Adrien is still hugging her when an excited squeal let’s them know Allan has successfully brought Claude back to life. They rush over and hug Allegra, then Marinette, then Chloe and Adrien.

He turns to Allan enthusiastically. “Mom, all three of your daughters-who-are-interested-in-romantic-relationships at once! They grow up so fast! Look at them!” He gestures at both couples. “So beautiful! So happy! Little lovebirds! They’re darling!”

“Excuse me? When did he become my mother?” Chloe questions.

Allan waves her off. “You’re all my children. The moment I start worrying about your general health and well-being outside of when we’re together, you’re my child.”

“Which honestly doesn’t take long,” Allegra teases.

“I believe Marinette is his record,” Felix remarks. “He was worried about her the second he laid eyes on her.”

“Can you really blame him? I was a mess that first day.” Marinette sits on the grass, staring up at the sky still dotted with little glowing lights.

Adrien follows suit, laying down beside her. Marinette uses his chest as a pillow.

“I think we all were worried about Mari when she showed up.” Allegra sits as well.

“Good. She needed you.” Chloe joins her girlfriend.

“I still do! All of you are amazing, wonderful, priceless gifts to the planet!”

“So are you, Nettie,” Allan reminds her.

Soon enough, they’re all on the grass, staring up at the inky nothingness that they had filled with a glittery sprinkling of glows. Each lantern a brilliant dot representing someone’s hope for something better.

A better future, a better world.

“We made our own stars,” Marinette murmurs, awed.

“We are our own stars,” Adrien counters.

Because the lanterns may represent hope, but they’re a hope built on people.

And people are more than capable of being radiant when they need to be.

Adrien looks at the raven-haired girl on his chest. She’s staring at the sky in wonder, eyes reflecting the twinkling lights.

Some people shine just for the people around them. A dazzling gift to their friends.

He smiles, happy to have the privilege of being so close to the brightest of them all.

---

Author’s Note: Sooooo????!!!! What do you think?! I really like this chapter, and I think it works well for wrapping everything up. I'm not the best some of the aspects of it, but they were important, so I did my best to make them quality. Also, as I said, my sappiness really shines through at the end.

Claude is all of you. I'm aware of this.

What's this?? Another dumb debate??? Here's the survey!! I have another debate that I really want to do, because I truly think it'd be interesting, but I wanted to give it its own one-shot, so you get 'how would baguettes move' instead. The results are here.

Final chapter tomorrow! I can't believe I'm even saying that. Wow.I love you guys so much!!! Thank you so much for reading and staying with me!! You guys are just the sweetest, most amazing people, and you're the reason I made it this far! 💞💞💞

I look forward to seeing you guys's thoughts on this chapter! I'll be in the comment section as always!

💕❤💕❤💕

First | Previous | Last

[thesmalltowngal]

COC Snowbaz 26- Gaining Love

COC #26: Missing/Deleted Scene

In sixth year, Simon arrives on Baz’s doorstep with nowhere else to go. Things ensue. 

~ Getting so close to the end. Almost there... I can make it! Anyway, I’m fairly happy with this one- let me know what you guys think. Enjoy! ~

“Someone is at the door,” Mordelia pokes her little head into my room to tell me. I glare at her. (Which is bloody hard when she’s still so young and cute- even I have a right soft spot for ankle-biters.)

“Knock,” I state simply. She giggles a bit and pretends to be irritated, but she goes out, closes the door and knocks cheerfully on my door. “You may enter.” I call out. She bounces back into my room. 

“Someone’s here to see you, Baz. Mummy sent me to tell you.” Probably Dev or Niall- although Niall lives a bit away and Dev usually calls to tell me he’s coming. 

“Thank you, Mordelia-” And as she’s turning to leave, I call back after her, “Do you know who it is?” She shakes her head back and forth quickly. We’re on Winter break in the middle of the school year- it’s snowing fucking cats and dogs out there. (I know fuck-all about that expression and less about cats or dogs- just that they taste well enough.) 

“No, but he’s got curly hair and he looks not very good.” I quirk an eyebrow, but she leaves after that, bouncing down along the hall with her infernal stuffed vampire.

I walk down the staircase, trying to look as though I’m not eager to see who’s at the door. And when I finally get down there, it seems that my eagerness was well bloody had. Because as I open my front door, I see Simon fucking Snow on my porch. (Not only covered in snow, but looking absolutely dead on his feet.) He’s got bruises and cuts all over his face, and he’s swaying on his feet- in ripped clothes nonetheless! (Also, dare I say it, he’s paler than I am.)

“Crowley- Snow?” I inquire. His eyes droop and he sways even more, visibly shuddering. (I should invite him in, now. But even though I’m right bloody worried, I’ve still a facade to maintain.)

“Didn’t have anywhere else t’go…” And he promptly faints into my arms. (In other circumstances I’d say he fell for me. Or perhaps was swooning.) I catch him more from surprise than anything. He sags in my arms and I hoist him up a bit, trying (and failing) to get him to stand up. I shut the door with my toe and finally give up, picking him up bridal style instead. (I’ll clean the mess in our entryway later- father will be mad, but perhaps he’ll understand when I explain.)

I take Simon (I can only call him that in my head; one of the simpler pleasures and tortures in life) to my room, not minding the dirt and snow that trails behind us along the way. I pile him on top of my bed and shut my door. (Completely disregarding father’s rule about closed doors when boys are over.) He’s still out and I decide to assess the situation while I can. 

I can’t quite get my god forsaken mind to move on from the fact that Simon Snow came to my house willingly. He’s in my house. In my bed. Granted, it’s under different circumstances than I’d typically like… But anyway. He’s pale and roughed up and it seems like he’s about to go off even as he’s out. I know I don’t have much time to fix things before he gets up, so I grab my wand and hastily get to work. 

First I take his shirt off. (Again, in a much different way than I’d like to.) There are bruises and cuts all over his freckle-splattered chest. I mend the cuts and watch them heal before trying my best to heal the bruises. Some but not all go away. Then I spell off his trousers, leaving him in only his pants. (He’s bloody gorgeous, unsurprisingly. We haven’t undressed in front of each other before- this is the first I’ve witnessed the near full of his angelicness.) I mend the cuts and bruises there, too. Before I do anything else, I Clean as a Whistle the mess he made coming in so I won’t get yelled at later. (Perhaps I still will, the Chosen being a new houseguest, now.) 

Finally, I put a pair of trackie bottoms on him, but leave his shirt off, instead pulling a blanket over his shoulders. But not long after I do that, he starts to come to. (I allow myself one more soft look at him before cooling my expression into a harder one.) He finally opens his eyes and looks around, startling as he sees me. He scrunches his eyebrows as his surroundings sink in. 

“Baz?” 

“Yes, Snow?”

“Am I in-”

“The Pitch manor? Yes. My room? Yes. Tainting my sheets and dragging mud in my home. Also fucking yes, you twat.” He sighs, but he must be really roughed up, because he’s not responding to any of my insults as per usual. 

“Did you… er, did you clean me?” My bottoms hang loosely on him, as ill-fitting as the rest of his clothes.

“Magic- dead from the neck up, Snow? Crowley. What happened to you?” I mean it to come out as an insult, but I’m hoping he’ll really answer me because I’m worried. Because I’m an utter disappointment to myself and my family. Because I love him. He rolls his eyes a bit. (He still looks pale.)

“Well, I...er, I was on a mission from-”

“You’re precious mage?” He ignores me.

“-the mage, and I was fighting them - goblins, I mean - in the woods, but there were too many of them.”

“Bunce wasn’t with you?” I sound bored. I’m anything but. 

“No, she’s down in the states to visit Micah for Christmas.”

“What about Wellbelove?” I spit her name like it burns my mouth. (It might as well- it sure bloody feels like it, sometimes.) He looks away, flushed. (I’m glad he’s getting colour back.)

“We, uh… well, Baz, I just didn’t have anywhere else to go, okay?” I nod my head and we sit in silence for a moment, before Simon speaks again. (For someone who has trouble speaking, he never does seem to bloody stop.) “S’pose I should thank you for… helping?” I sneer at him. 

“S’pose you should, Snow.” He stares at me for a moment, which makes me blush. (I just fed recently- damn the squirrels.)

“Thanks, Baz. I just… it felt like I was gonna die, y’know?” For a time, we’re sat there quietly, no hostility in the air. I nod softly, without quite realizing I’m doing it. 

“Yeah…” I respond. I’m suddenly acutely aware of how close we’re sitting to each other. I can feel his heat radiating off of him. I’m so cold. (I read once that cold was just the absence of heat- things can always gain heat. Which made me think hate- our hate - was just love not yet found. I used to think we could gain love. That I could make it happen, somehow. I was being right crackers.) “Are you hurting?” I wanted to spit at him. I wanted to yell and curse at him and tell him to not be such a dumbarse- to be more careful and always call if he needed help. (I should’ve yelled. It would have gotten a more usual reaction than what my question did.) He raises his eyebrows in surprise and doesn’t say anything for a second.

Just when I think he’s gone mute, he says, “No, I’m… I’m fine- thanks. Thanks for, um. Everything…” He trails off (I hate it when he does that) and we’re sat in the deafening silence again. For a second I think he’s leaning towards me. (I’m definitely leaning towards him, even if it is subconscious.) Then I figure it’s just my bloody imagination playing tricks. (Then I’m not so sure.) And just as we’re getting closer and closer, I feel more and more like I’m going to combust. Catch fire. Whether it’s because he lights my soul, my heart, my dick on fire - whatever poetic shit you may have - or because of the heat radiating off of him… I could burst at any moment. 

“Simon-” I mutter, because I’ve got nothing else to say. I look at his (extra)ordinary blue eyes and I swear they flick down to my lips, just for a fraction of a second. And just as I think something is about to happen…

Mordelia pounces into my room and we spring apart like we’ve been caught doing something. (I’m not so sure we haven’t… hope is a bloody bitch.) She cocks her head to one side and smiles her toothy (perhaps not toothy- she’s lost a few in the front) grin at us. “Mum says there’s a man here to pick up the boy with the curls.” I school my expression again and smile a bit at her. It’s tight-lipped and closed. 

“What have I said about knocking, Mordelia?” She just shrugs and walks out of my room. Almost immediately, Simon jumps out of the bed and throws on one of my sweatshirts hanging over my chair absentmindedly. (Seeing him in my clothes is doing things that it shouldn’t to me.) It’s like he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. 

He’s turning to leave, tripping over his feet and blushing when he turns back to look awkwardly at me. “Er- thanks, Baz. For, um. Y’know.” I roll my eyes and give him one curt nod. He hesitates at the door like he’s going to say something else, but then he decides against it and leaves to go meet his precious mage. (In my fucking house.) (I can hardly be bothered by that, though, as I allow myself to stare openly at Simon’s arse in my trackie bottoms as he leaves. Another simple pleasure in life? That arse.) (I fucking hate myself.) As he’s leaving, I’m left wondering only one thing. 

What the fuck just happened?