#Ik he said some nonsense about feeling guilty for leaving him there but no amount of guilt explains the lengths he went to

[justablognothingweirdhere]

There is just something so insane and romantic about Carter (who is dating Luka’s ex girlfriend and can barely have a civil conversation with the man) losing his shit and immediately booking it to goddamn Africa on the off chance that he might be able to find Luka’s body, and then actually doing it basically through sheer willpower and dumb luck.

[mischiefthedreamerx]

To Be Glorious & Free

Synopsis: Lady Loki visits young (kid) Loki in a dream, he feels lost and ashamed of who he is but she has a few words of wisdom to be shared.

A/N: Just an idea, nothing that’s logical but it’s a fanfic so it doesn't have to make sense 😂 Also Ik nothing about Loki in the comics, this fic doesn't really fit in the mcu either so just take it as it is. 🤷🏻‍♂️ I kinda imagine Lady Loki as Eva Green XD

- - -

Radiant white light blinded his vision. Young Loki placed a hand to cover over his squinted eyes. The radiance was warm and comforting. Though the feeling quickly faded when a thought entered his mind;

Was this Valhalla? At least he was grateful to have died a peaceful death in his sleep.

Loki still felt the rise and fall of his chest, the soft texture of grass between his fingers, the sound of soft winds. He pulled himself up to a sitting position, the mysterious light was the blazing sun. Loki rubbed his eyes; he was in a field. The sky was the perfect shade of blue, in fact, the whole place seemed too perfect to be real.

He studied his surroundings in hopes of finding a way out. Instead he saw a large beech tree in the distance. A darkened figure sat against it, hidden in the shade. If this was a dream, his dream, surely he'd remain safe from any potential threat. He hoped so anyway.

Loki began his walk towards the giant tree that swayed gently with the wind. The figure was shadowed by a hood that covered most of their facial features. Loki kept a few metres away to analyse this guest in his dream.

Young Loki struggled to keep his composure in order to stay calm.

The firmly built figure was dressed in some kind of green leather dress with golden armoured plates on the arms, accessorised with a black corset. The dress had a long slit on each side of the hips to reveal tight black trousers and boots underneath.

Loki felt his heart hammer in his chest.

The finely dressed female let out an amused laugh of the richest honey. The dark hood was was removed.

Waves of long black hair fell in place accompanied with piercing blue eyes painted in thin layers of black. A small horned headband rested around the forehead.

"I was expecting something more glamours than a field. But this shall do." She said, looking around at the view. Her voice spoke in confidence that demanded to be heard.

Loki attempted to swallow down his anxiety. "W-who are you?" He asked.

This..version of Loki rolled her eyes. "Don't ask questions you already know the answer to.” She patted the ground next to her underneath the tree.

"Sit. You're wasting time." She commanded. Loki obeyed silently and sat down. He felt captivated and almost jealous at this future version of himself. She began to inspect him, eyes moving up and down.

"You still have such a long way to go." Her voice sounded like Mother's, though it was lightly edged with darkness.

"Are you from the future?" He asked.

"Yes and no. I'm just one of the many version of who you'd wish to become one day." She responded. Loki pulled up his knees and wrapped his arms around them.

"Of someone I can never become." Young Loki said in small voice.

"Nonsense. You can become whoever or whatever you wish to be, you know you have the power to do so. The only thing stopping you is your own fear." Lady Loki said, she made it sound like an easy thing to overcome.

Loki felt his chest tighten. "Fear of what others may think of me." Though still so young, there were whispers of what many thought of him. A growing shadow amongst warriors.

"It's too late to fear what others may think of you, they have already decided." A hint of sadness laced her voice. "You are not responsible for how others perceive you. Show everyone you are better than them. They are the weak minded fools who follow what they have been taught, never having the courage to think for themselves."

Loki locked eyes with his female self, he could feel the confidence radiate from her.

"They are not free." He said, both of their lips mirrored a smirk.

"You are learning well. The world follows their little pathetic paths that are controlled by others. But you, us, are glorious and free." Lady Loki brushed a gentle hand along her younger self's cheek. "We make up our own rules.”

Loki closed his eyes, savouring this strange moment. These were the words he needed to hear for so long. A part of him did not wish to wake up. A brief pause of silence fell between them as Lady Loki waited for a response.

"But it's.. it's not natural to be..." Loki wasn't sure how to word this correctly

"To be both, or neither, somewhere in between." His female self shrugged. Loki nodded.

Lady Loki let out a chuckle. "Says who? There are many unnatural things in this world. Take our idiotic brother for example, " She joked. "It is only considered unnatural because others find it uncomfortable. Many tend to fear those who are different. I find being normal rather tedious."

"That is true." He mumbled to himself.

"We are not the only ones who feel this way. There's a realm that is more..progressive and accepting, a realm of those who are similar to us."

Loki turned, appearing surprised. Surprised that he was not the only one. It brought him a sense of comfort that a world so far away lived beings similar to him.

"Where is this realm?" He asked.

"On Midgard. They are only mortal, they live such short lives."

"I've heard of that realm." Though he did not know much about it. It shocked him that mortals seemed to be more accepting than those who lived far far longer.

"Believe me, it's not a very exciting place to visit. I've had my fair share of fun with them” Well she wouldn’t exactly have called it a fun time...

"If they are more accepting then I'd much rather be there anyway.." Loki sighed.

Lady Loki's eyes widened. "No." She pointed a finger at him. Loki let himself laugh at her response.

"I see they do not like you very much?" He dared to ask.

Lady Loki moved in closer and smirked. "Not quite. They just couldn't handle all of my glory." She spoke proudly, twisting a strand of long hair with her finger. Young Loki let himself freely smile.

This.. dream gave him some hope but the fear still remained strong underneath.

"Let me ask you something." She said in deep thought. Loki nodded.

"Do you believe women are weak creatures in need of protecting?" She asked.

Loki frowned. "No, of course not!" He said in dismay. He knew many strong women, his mother especially. Her magic was something to truly admire and even fear at times.

"Good. Do you believe their appearance dictates their worth?"

Loki shook his head. "No that's completely absurd!"

Lady Loki chuckled. "If only you could see the look on your face, young one.”

Loki felt slightly embarrassed. "Why ask me this?"

She let out a soft sigh. "Because it is what many people believe. It's something that has been ingrained in us since we were children, in story books, in legends, when we are young it is easy to subconsciously believe these ridiculous ideation." She tapped the side of her head. "We both believed this without even realising it.” It took a great amount of years to break away from it all, she only wished it hadn't taken so long.

“Oh and also, it’s possible to be both beautiful and strong at the same time.” She added with a wink.

This had never come to Loki's attention before, it was a lot to take in in such a short amount of time. He realised how much the idea of fear truly controlled everyone so easily, even him.

She continued; "No matter how hard you try, you'll never stop others from judging you no matter what you do, it's inevitable. You could pretend to fit in to avoid it all but that isn't who we are. Not when we were born for greatness. "

Lady Loki's prideful speech soon began to loose its confidence. "My only advice is to not strive for too much, it will only leave you disappointed."

Loki could see the hint of sorrow in those ancient eyes.

"Power is addictive." He commented, he was afraid of asking what sort of things had happened to her. Or maybe he did not wish to know at all.

With a frail smile, Lady Loki replied; "If only I knew that before it was all too late."

"It's never too late to start over." The words that left his lips sounded rather naive, though perhaps it was true in some ways. ".. are you happy?"

Happiness seemed like such a childish word.

Lady Loki tried to suppress a laugh for the sake of her younger self.

"Is anyone ever truly happy?" She responded.

A question in response to another question. Typical. Loki wasn't surprised.

"You're avoiding my question."

"It's one of our many talents." She replied, but Loki wanted an answer.

"It's my dream, I deserve answers. Skip the fancy philosophical responses for once."

Lady Loki raised an eyebrow, she should at least have the courage to be honest with her younger self, right?

She leaned back against the tree, eyes lost into the distance of the vast field, struggling to come up with a response.

"For awhile I forgot what it even meant to be happy, I was lost within myself, consumed by rage, never satisfied with what I had. Some people are just cursed to never feel satisfied and I've come to accept that as a part of my life... but now, after many years, you ask if I am happy... then yes, I am happy." She risked turning her head to meet her younger self's curious eyes.

"Liar." He whispered. Lady Loki's face tightened with anguish, a hidden fist began to clench but nevertheless, she smirked. She was unsure if it really was a lie or the truth.

"Guilty as charged." She said. "Lying may be our native tongue but we have yet to believe the lies we tell ourselves." She then began to stand up. "Looks like our time is up."

“Why so soon?” Loki stood up too. "Please don't go. I still have so many questions." Eyes pleading upwards to his older self. She was truly a beautiful sight to behold, so much power with a single look.

"All in due time. You'll find all the answer you seek soon. Don't forgot what I have told you or this would all have been for nothing." Would he even remember this dream when he woke up?

"Then can you promise me one thing before you go?" He asked. Promises weren't exactly her forte but she'd try to make an exception.

"Go on." She urged him.

Loki fiddled with his fingers. "Promise me you'll be happy one day." He said in a quiet voice, he knew how silly this sounded.

Lady Loki fought the urge to roll her eyes. "I promise." She said, though they were both not satisfied with her response but it would be enough.

Then she spoke again; "A promise for a promise then; promise me you won’t give up. Your story has only just began."

Loki nodded.

Lady Loki closed her eyes and began to fade away. He wanted to reach out to stay for awhile longer but it was no use. They shared a smile together before she had completely vanished away, a trail of glistening sparks flew up with the wind.

Sleep soon arrived to take Loki back home.

Loki drifted off and fell backwards thinking he'd fall on the grass but within an instant, his eyes opened wide as he awoke on his bed. He pulled himself up, moving his legs out to the side, feet touching the cold floor. A slow and steady sigh exhaled from his lips. He remembered.

He would not tell anyone, it would be his little secret. Though like all dreams, they are soon forgotten.

Loki got up and walked to his full length mirror, looking at his reflection. Placing a hand against the glass and holding his head up high, Loki spoke these words like a sacred prayer;

"Your story has only just began."

- - - -

A/N: As a trasguy who likes feminine clothes but is often scared to wear them, this felt really nice to write 🥺💚

[stillwooozy]

im so happy be back in my apt it makes me feel guilty cuz i like being there for my siblings but

even post heart attack and covid and almost-death my mom is MEAN to me. everything i fcking do is wrong, and if ONLY i listened to her.

im a fucking train wreck, but im trying, and im functional. Idk i’ve learned to be proud of myself

I left at like 5am to “beat traffic” but rly i just needed to leave

My 12 yr old brother said he “didnt really love AoT & isnt invested in s4” but he’s giving Death Note a try so you know what. stfu.

A few hrs after i got back my sister called crying about my mom just being difficult to her. And i have problems w/ my sister but also.... come on. mom jfc. pretend to have an emotional iq for a second. My sister has always had a good relationship w/ my mom up until now. But i guess menopausal moms and their 19 yr old daughters dont get a long.

I have good moments w/ my mom. when she came home we were both got high on trams and weed & my sister was sober but hanging w/ us. My brothers were entertaining themselves and my dad was gone (dad and mom cannot be in the same vicinity of eachother, they legally married, but jfc they even live apart. it is hell when they are together) and it was so fun. i was making jokes (that i kinda regret because it was tmi) about the men i’ve hooked up w/ in the apt next door, and telling her about the “straight dads” down her residential block that are “discrete” on grindr. She thought it was hilarious. My sister allowed me to swipe for her on tindr & talk to guys and let me say - straight men really do suck. there was like 1 that was attractive & seemed to have a good personality & didnt want sex asap. & i think my sister is very pretty so she matched w/ a good amount of people. ANYWAYS straight guys either have 0 idea how to converse and/or just want to fuck right away. I mean those are grindr-gays, but tindr-gays arent looking for that - and if they are it obvious so u just swipe left if not interested in a hookup. I guess there isnt a straight-grindr but there should be. Anyways my mom was telling me stories about shrooming in college and when she hiked the TMB & hitchhiked around europe for 2 yrs, met my dad but forgot about him, and then met him in the US 2 yrs later. It was interesting, and she wasnt judging me & we were actually laughing. Ik its the drugs and that is sad. Ik she is “mentally ill” in some manner too, but i can’t control her lack of self awareness, all i can control is myself. And that is hard when i come from a long line of schizos & bpd & even a probably-APD! some diagnosed, some u just loook at and go “yea they are batshit” i mean... i also come from a family is severly traumatized ppl, either losing everything in ww2 and/or the whole israeli conflict. like jfc i do feel bad. fleeing europe to israel cuz no one else will take u, and then fighting for ur safety & really no other choice, and then finally ur offspring move to america and canada. my paternal grandpa is literally the sole survivor in his family of ww2, i mean he remembers nothing, he was the youngest and shipped off to America to live w/ a branch of the family that came a while earlier cuz they were offered business or something idk.

Im rly on too many stims. And yet. I am posting in my ~diary~. i get to work tomorrow and im actually happy cuz i like the research. although im having like.. nothing. u think grads are paid horribly (they are)?? Undergrads have to be groveling at the feet of ppl to get any kind of paid internship. i mean i had experience before cuz i did unpaid research for 2 semesters in another lab. My hours, when im not impromtu fleeing cuz my mom may die, are more than 40+ a week. i mean i have enough to pay rent and thats about it :/ as long as im not in debt im gucci. i stockpile on-sale dog food and im fine living off beans and rice so were good for a while. I have crypto that is a backup but that is either used for drugs and as an “investment”.

like i cant rly get a traditional 9-5 retail job while working in this lab. while also having full-time classes. i was doing lab work 20 ish hrs a week (unpaid ofc), managing my friends band/booking shows/promotating & getting a fair chunk from that, walking a neighbors dog 3 times a week but honestly that took 20 mins of my day & was almost a free $45 dollars a week cuz a just walked her w/ my own dogs, + full time school and.... pre-covid, i was getting into the groove of college & while not making a bunch - i was comfortable for being a 20yr old scumbag? i mean i was working my ass off for my friend but i enjoyed it and was optimistic as hell. i didnt have to cut myself off fully from the song revenue but honestly that was unusual (to my knowledge) for an indie band at all, but i accepted it ofc until covid. my best friend spiraled and 2 of the bandmates lost their jobs and like. their passive income was tiny so why tf should i take from it? shows & selling merch at said shows (for us) made the most. online merch is eh & i wont take a cut until after covid. Plus they are on hiatus and any local “hype” that was beginning to build is long dead cuz they are probably long dead. not high enough to give a shout out to my 2.5 followers cuz my identity will not be exposed hehehehe. i mean if someone rly wanted to u could figure out thru all my info dumping of my personal life on here but eh, pls dont. this is my fancy lil diary where i spew aboslute nonsense & show off how fast i can type when i type before i finish any type of concise thought in my head