#Ig I let the whole ‘it’s not that serious ‘ façade fall for a sec and cared too much

[bodega-catto]

Well, that friend I had a fallout with texted after a month. I was worried, though I did suspect she was taking a break. Didn’t mind it, of course— but her message is extremely dismissive and I have been laid off as a friend. “I appreciated” “you were always” and yeah all too familiar.

Can’t help but feel a bit betrayed despite it being me the one who sparked the disagreement we had. I didn’t do it consciously, I was stupid and rash and should have taken her feelings into consideration. And I am deeply hypocritical thinking she should have given me a heads up. Now she’s a month ahead into dismissing me— and I feel it.

I feel really sad about this, despite everything. It was a short friendship but she was a smart, sweet girl and I appreciated her beyond fandom shit. And fuck fandom. And fuck it for real. But she has also frustrated me in the way she handled it. I suppose I didn’t deserve a second try and it’s fine. I will respect her boundaries.

But to say “if you wanna get it off your chest” don’t you? She worried about being immature and what if she was sometimes? I never cared. I never cared about her being sensitive and letting herself feel. I never give myself space for that. What exactly is being immature in her mind? It was refreshing to see someone so attune to what they felt. Come to think of it—I am immature. I am immature writing this now and complaining about everything to no one and always rationalizing everything. And I will be a coward in not replying because everything I say sounds dismissive and framed as a farewell. And I don’t wish for it.

Anyway I’m just all over the place about this. I’m just ranting and victimizing myself. Look away.