#If you think that Zevran loved Master Arainai after all the shit he went through then you're delusional

[a-gay-bloodmage]

"Against the Kitchen Floor" and Omri de Riva

At the urging of @queenofangrymoths, I have decided to post my song analysis of Will Wood's "Against the Kitchen Floor" as listened to through the lens of Omri de Riva, my dwarven Crow Rook.

His relationship with Neve, Scheherazade de Riva (QoAM's Rook), his mother, Lucanis, Viago, and himself, all come together to form a perfectly wonderful mush of self-loathing.

Hope you enjoy!

Trigger warnings for: discussions of suicidal ideation, past sexual assault as a minor, minor self-harm, child abuse, and general murder and violence.

Omri de Riva “Against the Kitchen Floor” Analysis

I don’t owe you my heart And I don’t owe you my body But you should know that I’m sorry For being careless with you

Omri tries, very hard, to see himself as a person. But it doesn’t really work. Usually, he sees himself as a thing to be given up for Contracts. The concept of I don’t owe you my heart / body is something that he tries to tell himself, but the sentiment usually rings pretty hollow. Leaving the Crows and being a part of the Veilguard is a massive culture shift for him. Being on “equal” grounds with people is strange. Neve, especially, isn’t his master. He doesn’t owe her his heart and body. Despite this, he still feels responsibility for potentially damaging her. It isn’t his place to be in a relationship with her, as he thinks it will only end in disaster. Despite that, he still went for it. He, as I said in “Fledgling,” kind of operates generally on the idea of a Crow takes what he can get.

Lord knows I owe you more Than I’m pretty sure I ever could give anybody But I can’t pin down what normal people want from foreign objects Bottom shelf erotic products like me

Neve, along with Varric and Harding, essentially freed him from slavery, and they don’t even know it. He has no idea how to make it up to them, if that’s even possible. Especially without admitting to his status within the Crows as a slave, a fact that he does find shameful. He has no idea how to express this gratitude to “normal people” like Neve. Neve being a Shadow Dragon, a liberator of slaves from Tevinter, only further complicates things. The concept of being a bottom shelf erotic product is both a dig at his own self-worth and his height. He is an object to be used for the pleasure and satisfaction of others, and he’s literally so low, physically, that most people don’t even see him amongst the dirt of the floor. 

So, I could hold your hand, but keep you at arm’s length Or hang me from a branch too high to climb and shake Less rare than scarce, less diamond than rough Unlikely to be more than just the coal you fail to crush, and

He does really want a relationship with Neve, but he can’t allow himself to really pull her tight to him in any way other than physically. And, even then, it’s only when they’re alone. He sees their relationship as mutually physical, but romantically one-sided. He fully assumes that she’ll end up with Lucanis. And why wouldn’t she? He’s more attractive than Omri is, higher-ranking, and human. 

The idea of hang me from a branch too high to climb and shake is a reference to suicide for him, since he’s absolutely passively suicidal. While he won’t go out of his way to kill himself, he won’t consciously try too hard to stop his death from happening. Just put him somewhere to rot and nobody will ever come and get him. He’s felt this way for as long as he can remember. 

The idea of being less rare than scarce is interesting, because he is rare. He’s not only a dwarf, a race with a very low population, but he’s a dwarven Crow. Those aren’t common. However, he’s also a casteless dwarf and a slave. He’s not a diamond, he’s just the dirt around it, and no amount of molding or pressure will ever turn him into something beautiful. His entire life, people have attempted to crush him, and yet he’s still alive but not any prettier. He doesn’t know why. 

I swear, I’m really trying Get it together, [Omri], know and do better It just don’t come natural to me to think that you’d want me for mе I swear, I’m really trying Oh, I’m sorry, I promise, I’m doing my best I just haven’t learned how to be human as you are yet

Especially after meeting Sherry—when he was twenty-four and she was twelve—he really does want to be a good person. The problem is that he doesn’t think he’s capable of it. He was too broken by his path to becoming an assassin. He bought into the Crow propaganda, into Viago’s grooming, until Sherry shook him out of it by the virtue of just being an innocent little girl. He thinks that being non-human is a stain against him. He’ll never fit into society, which he sees as a significant hurdle to not only being accepted as good, but accepting himself as good. 

I still don’t know who you are I only know that I’m still lonely That morbid sort where even company can’t cure me And the more you reassure, the less I trust

Omri feels like he can never truly know another person. Not entirely. Especially not Neve. She’s too… above him. She’s too reserved, too smart. And it’s isolating. He assumes that Neve is able to connect far better with someone like Lucanis, someone who shares something closer to her social status. Omri has this deep-seeded sense of loneliness that will never go away. He’s never had a friend, he was only treated truly kindly once before meeting Sherry. And the more people reassure him that they like him, the less he trusts it. After all, Viago told Omri that he cared for him, that Omri was his First. And that was all just a lie to keep him wrapped around Viago’s finger. 

But still you gave me your heart I only gave you my body Honestly thought nobody’d want it, let alone notice it’s gone And so I left it home, but now, now, now, now

Omri, as Neve starts potentially falling for him, feels deeply guilty. He doesn’t think she deserves to be in a relationship with an empty husk of a man, someone who isn’t capable of, in his mind, actually loving someone back. He can give her his body, sure, but that’s always been the case for the last twenty years of his life. He’s never seen himself as desirable, so thinking that Neve desires him, genuinely, and isn’t just using him as an outlet frightens him. 

I keep a locket with a picture on the back of my head Oh, monkey-wrench my side view mirrors, ghost my friends I’ve lived more lives than enough, I haven’t died quite as much But I’m not a real person, just the shit you can’t make up, and

Omri is constantly watching over his shoulder. He’s paranoid that the Crows will come back to get him. He has to cut off all contact with people to keep them safe. Sherry is, potentially, only alive because he’s not around her any more, after all. He does think he’s lived more lives than enough, yet hasn’t died enough. He’s lived through being homeless as an infant, basically homeless in Kirkwall, being a groomed slave, being a slave that was aware of that grooming, being, essentially, a mourning father after the loss of Sherry, and then being Rook. He, somehow, has lived through all of this. He doesn’t think he should have. Again, he barely sees himself as a person, and the idea that he’s just the shit you can’t make up makes sense for someone constantly being berated for his “unbelievably stupid decisions” by Viago. 

I swear, I’m really trying I’m just as exposed if I take off my clothes When we make the closest thing to love that I’m capable of And I don’t know why you would care But I’m really trying Oh, I’m sorry, I promise, I’m doing my best I just haven’t learned how to be human as you are yet

He truly doesn’t think he’s capable of making love due to his awful sexual history. He doesn’t know what consensual sex looks or feels like. Making love is something that should be reserved for the people who are capable of having people fall in love with them and then returning that love. He doesn’t think that’s him. Again, he thinks being non-human is a stain against him. 

Did I really have any of that gravity? Maybe you’re quicksand Because I really couldn’t tell How deep my footprints went The vertex of my redemption arc The searching on that virgin heart I’m catatonic in your arms Crying, “How did I cause so much harm?”

He thinks that, by “leading Neve on,” he’s irreparably damaged her. By sleeping with her and playing into this romance, he’s tread all over her heart when he didn’t ever mean to leave a footprint. The idea of him having a virgin heart is mostly sarcastic, as he thinks that his old infatuation with Viago as a teenager has forever stained him, making him incapable of having that redemption arc. The use of catatonic, specifically, makes sense for Omri. He doesn’t cry. Instead, he just feels dead and hollow and full of regret for hurting the people he never meant to hurt. He really is a Crow. All he knows is how to harm people. 

I’m down, pounding my head against the kitchen floor Apologizing for my life and ever entering yours Don’t say “I’m sorry, but this can’t go on” I know you’ve got scars of your own But hide my knives before you go I’ll either live or die alone

The idea of pounding my head against the kitchen floor checks for him. He’s far more inclined to enact physical violence on himself when he’s upset, as that’s simply what he’s used to. He was not only hit by his masters in the Crows, but by his mother when he was young. Apologizing for my life makes perfect sense, as he’s always been trained from birth to see himself as a curse upon others. His gender literally caused his former noble of a mother to be thrown out of Orzammar. Neve’s romance involves her not wanting to commit because she’s afraid of intimacy, and Omri almost resents that she is the one to voice it when, in his mind, she’s a million times more capable of being in love than he is. He knows there’s something that’s causing her to hold back, but he doesn’t know what. He knows for a fact, however, that he’ll try to keep her as long as he can, even if that means hiding [his] knives, aka, the reality of what it means for him to be a Crow. 

I swear, I will die trying I’m still in the process, but I’m making progress I promise, I honestly wanna prove improvement’s possible I swear, I’m so fucking sorry I’m not a good person, I’m barely a person at all But someday I’ll be perfect, and I’ll make up for it all

Omri is very, very willing to throw his life away for the sake of those he cares about. It’s not a large number of people, but it’s deeply significant to him. He wants, so badly, to be a good person, but he doesn’t think it’s possible. I’m not a good person, I’m barely a person at all is what would go through his head every time Sherry tried to insist that he’s good. He never believed it. It’s sunk in so deeply that, even if every member of the Veilguard thinks that he’s good, it’s not enough. Maybe, one day, but… not yet. But maybe, once he’s good, it will make up for the fact that he’s a filthy murderer. 

And write a fucking song about it ‘Cause it has to be all about [Omri’s] fucking drama Goddamn it! Sorry Fuck, I’m sorry

Omri, after thinking about all of this, just… hates himself for it. He’s survived by making himself the center of attention in order to distract from what he’s really doing. Playing the part of an opera-loving clown to hide his intellect and planning. And yet, despite this tactic literally keeping him alive, whenever it comes to bringing attention to himself for a non-murderous reason, he feels completely undeserving of that spotlight and attention. Especially if it brings sympathy along with it. He doesn’t deserve to be regarded as a person, and his problems are not worthy of being taken seriously. He feels selfish.