#If the scouts had learned that they would die for his dream instead of for humanity they would not have followed Erwin.

[kellanved-ammanas]

Valentine's Week Angst Day Six: Scout/Sniper - Nightmare

Day six of @dontneedadispenser Valentine's event.

Content warning: major character death as part of a nightmare.

~

Scout needed to look behind himself. There was something back there. It was going to kill him if he didn’t turn around to deal with it. But he couldn’t. If he took the time to look back, the metal monsters in front of him would kill him instead. And so he kept fighting.

If he could kill all the monsters in front of him quickly enough he could then turn back and take care of the thing before it killed him. They kept coming though. He shot the head off one only for two more to come out of the infinite darkness that made up the walls of the room.

The metal bodies piled high but they kept coming. Scout was running out of ammo. He couldn’t keep this up forever or even for much longer. He needed to reunite with the rest of the group. … And there was something behind him that was going to kill him if he didn’t turn to deal with it. But he couldn’t turn, not even just his head.

A knife plunged into him from behind. He fell to cold ground. Next to him lay the body of the Spy-bot. Ha ha! He’d killed the bastard before it could get away. Dumb bots needed to learn their place.

It was too late though; it had got him first. Warmth leaked out of him, leaving him feeling colder and colder by the second as it pooled on the ground beneath him. He was going to die alone. Would anyone even find his body? … Would anyone even care to look?

Darkness ate at his vision. The cold concrete beneath continued to suck away his warmth as his life flowed out of him. He was too young to die and he didn’t want to die alone! Seems he didn’t have a choice in the matter though.

He woke to the site of the ceiling above him. In his dream he’d been cold, now though, he was far too warm. Being careful not to jostle the bed too much, he disentangled himself from the blankets. Such care was wasted though as a quick glance to the side revealed that Sniper wasn’t lying in bed next to him anymore. Not a terribly unusual occurrence though as neither of them were the best of sleepers.

Since there’d be no getting back to sleep easily after having had that nightmare again, Scout slid out of bed. He shook himself a little as he took deep breaths, trying to still the tremor in his hands. It worked a little, enough that he could grab a random shirt from the closest and pull it on over his head. Based off the size, it was one of Sniper’s. That made it more comfy though so he wasn’t complaining. Maybe he should put on a pair of pants too. … Nah. What was the point of having a place of their own if he couldn’t walk around in middle of the night wearing nothing but a slightly over-sized shirt and a pair boxers?

He found Sniper in the kitchen, sitting at the head of the table in the dark and smoking a cigarette. He was already looking at the doorway as Scout walked in. “Nightmare?”

“Yep. The usual one.” Scout walked over sat next to him. “You too?”

“Yeah. Also, the usual one.”

At least Scout wasn’t alone. Did any of the others have nightmares though or was it just him and Sniper? He never had the guts to ask despite wanting to know for a while now. It seemed like such a personal thing. “You got another one of those?” He gestured towards the cigarette in Sniper’s hand.

Sniper hummed an affirmative as he put it in his mouth, freeing his hands to pull the pack out and give one Scout. He then took out his lighter and lit it for him.

The smoke burned in Scout lungs as he took his first drag on it. He didn’t smoke often especially since he didn’t want to end up like Spy, smoking a pack or more a day, but it was calming, stilling the last of the post nightmare tremor in his hands. “Thanks.”

They sat in silence for a while. It was comfortable and fit the middle of the night, post nightmare atmosphere. But, even so, Scout couldn’t bear to sit so still and quiet for so long and thus had to break it.

“It’s dumb, the nightmare, I mean. Like, in real life you and Spy came and… yeah, you know. But in the dream, I’m always alone right up until the end. And everything leading up to that mostly doesn’t follow reality either. If I’m gonna be having nightmares about a thing that actually happened why are so many parts of it not how it actually happened?”

“Maybe that’s the part that traumatized you the most or whatever, when you thought you were going to die alone. So now you’re scared of something like that happening again and this time no one coming and no… whatever happened with God and heaven or whatever any of that was.”

“I… I guess that makes sense when you put it like that.” The thought did make Scout’s insides go cold. Before Spy and Sniper had shown up he’d been lying there, alone and bleeding out for an awful long time. Though likely, his sense of time had been nowhere near to accurate – he’d been willing to believe that not only had Tom Jones shown up to comfort him but was also his dad so he clearly hadn’t been all there in the head. So it easily could’ve been only a minute or two. Regardless, it had been a horrible experience that he never wanted to go through again. So… “Um… maybe this is unfair to ask but…” He trailed off. Could he actually ask Sniper for that?

“What is it?” Sniper’s expression was hard to see in the dark but he was looking firmly at Scout. He’d long since proven that he seemed to really care so… maybe it was okay to ask.

Scout shifted, taking a long drag on his cigarette before replying. “Um… when the time comes for me to die again or… for real, could you be there for me? So I won’t be alone.”

Sniper was silent for a beat or two as he seemed to think about it. “Of course. As long as I’m alive, I promise you won’t die alone.”

Hearing that was like having a weight lifted off his chest. Naturally there were a ton of ways that Sniper wouldn’t be able to fulfill that promise no matter how hard he tried to keep it but the intent was a comfort nonetheless. “Thanks. If, um, you end up being the one to die first, I’ll be there for you too.” It was the least he could do especially since he wouldn’t wish that fate on anyone, especially the people he loved.

“Thanks.”

[littlerequiem]

— you honor them by living ˚⁎⁺ a character study of levi ackerman

Day 6: Sleep/Rest for Levi Week 2023 - A story that explores what sleep represents for Levi's character. Written for @leviweek2023. Cross posted on AO3.

CONTENT — Gen fic, canon-compliant violence & character deaths, manga spoilers, angst, insomnia, ptsd, an exploration of levi with a happy ending (wc: 1k)

Levi never slept more than two hours at a time.

His insomnia began shortly after his mother’s death, when Kenny plucked him out of his childhood and placed a knife in his hands. His uncle took him under his wing there and then, and showed him how to survive in the Underground. 

“Trust ya gut, runt. Always,” Kenny once told him.  

And Levi learned the rules: 

Sleep only for a few hours. 

Sleep with one eye open. 

Sleep with a weapon tucked under a pillow. 

And no matter what, don't look back. 

These were hard and unforgiving rules Levi had to abide to, but it was what was required to survive.

And survive Levi did. 

He sharpened his skills. He made a name for himself. He found a group of people he cared about—a family of sorts.

Until one day, Levi escaped the sewers of the Underground and felt the warm rays of the sun on his skin for the first time in his life. 

But life above the surface would prove to remain sleepless for Levi, just as barren as the darkness of his past. Erwin offered him a hand that pulled him out of the Underground, only to place another knife in Levi’s hands. 

Levi turned that weapon towards a new cause.

And soon, Levi became the beating heart of the Survey Corps.

Humanity’s Strongest—a promise to eradicate the titans no matter what. Levi’s strength, which had saved him and his friends below ground, suddenly became hope for thousands.  

(Levi's wings were the real thing after all.)

And still, despite this newfound purpose, that title would prove to be a heavy burden to bear.

The burden to survive.

The burden to watch people die. 

The burden to give meaning to those deaths.

Dedicate your heart, right?

Piece by piece, Levi did just that. He gave and gave, ripping so much of himself to give respite to Humanity.

Which is why, in all his years as a soldier within the Scout Regiment, sleep was not something Levi could afford to make time for. Despite the luxury of having his own bed, the Captain never found refuge in the wisps of dreams. Instead, he rested any way he knew how—reclined in a chair, a weapon always close-by, sleeping for a few hours at a time.

(Always ready for a fight.)

That was the way of life. It's what would prove to be his to live through for the decade to come. 

And all the while, he watched those he cared about slip through his fingers, despite his best attempts to save them. Furlan and Isabel, his squad, Kenny, Erwin, Hange. All of them, gone in a heartbeat of a moment, leaving Levi behind to live through the rest of the story alone.  

Scars, both physical and mental, lingered on his weathered body. Levi endured, wondering what would await him at the end of all things.

Until one day, that end found him.

Because the fight is over now. His role in that story is finished.

And what happens at the end of it all, once the fight is over?

As it so happens, sometimes, peace is found.

“Captain, we got the croissants,” a familiar voice calls out to him in between the realms of dreams and sleep. Levi stirs, but doesn't move to open his eye.

“Shut up, Connie, you're going to wake him up. Let's just prepare lunch while he sleeps.” This time, Levi recognizes the voice. It's Jean, expressing disapproval. "Onyankopon will be here any minute now."

"I was quiet as a bird, I swear!" Connie then retorts.

A scoff. "You're quiet as a bear, you mean."

"Shh you two..."

"Shh yourself!"

"Oi. I'm awake, you brats," Levi drawls at last, because he knows better than to expect quiet at this point. Despite the rebuttal, there's a note of affection etched at the back of his words.

Brats. Levi still calls those shitty kids like that, even after all this time.

As he straightens from the hamak that hangs in his back garden, the face of Armin, Jean and Connie blink at him, something sheepish to the way they stare at their Captain. Despite being fully grown adults, they still treat his words like the gospel of an older family member.

Levi studies them for a moment, watching them stand next to the rosebush he trimmed just this morning.

Armin looks every bit the Commander, making both Hange and Erwin proud. Jean looks serene, like he found peace with the family he created. And Connie looks happy, that same spark of contagious fire still sparkling bright.

Levi sighs and stares upwards at the sky, clouds of endless white swirling up in the blue vastness greet him back. It reminds him of his friends, of those he lost in the past, and the legacy he carries by living.

It's strange, to feel a sense of serenity at this thought, at the memories of his past. Perhaps that's what being old does to the mind.

For the peace he found in his new life allows him to sleep between soft duvets. He's still a light sleeper (that part will probably never change) but Levi's found happiness in this quiet life. He can have a full night's sleep now, and not need a weapon within reach.

For Levi now tends to his tea shop, like he always dreamed he would. He gardens and grows his own vegetables. He enjoys strolls near the sea. He has a cat, which loves to follow him around the house. He has people he cares about and who care about him back.

And remembering all of this, Levi settles back in the hamak, which swings under his weight. Armin, Jean and Connie continue to talk quietly as they set the table for the dinner that is to ensue, where everyone Levi knows is invited to attend.

And while they work towards that, Levi gets to rest.

The faintest hint of a smile settles on Levi's lips as he closes his eyes again. Levi enjoys the sunshine found on this delicate spring day.

He can almost sense the presence of the ghosts of his past, watching him with pride.

Never forgotten, but cherished.

And the promises of tomorrow bloom just over the horizon.

Song Insp: Memories by Danny Elfman (from the movie Black Beauty).

— Masterlist

[thedarkeside]

And I You

"The only way to make peace with death is to ensure that death is met with zero regrets"

Pairing: Erwin x scout!Reader

Content Warnings: Angst, character death(s)

Word count: 1.2K

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You’ve always known that this day would come. It’s a tried and true fact that a scout’s fate was not a desirable one. It’s always some form of death, always to the hand (or mouth) of a titan.

But it’s an ‘honor’ to die for the cause. To die for the sake of humanity.

That’s been fed into your brain since you joined the trainee corps, and even more so after you decided to go the route of a scout.

It’s a wonder that recruits still join the scouts, even if the numbers seem to dwindle with every passing year. Everyone of them is either suicidal or overly confident.

You can’t say that you were any different when you joined.

Bright eyed and bushy tailed, little fifteen-year-old you was prepared to dedicate your life to the restoration of humanity. To annihilate the titan race in order to restore true peace instead of the facade that had been cast with the walls.

That all changed when you first made contact with the titans, when you first got a real taste of what your life was going to be like from then on.

You had learned what it was like to be a soldier. A disposable soldier who would be missed, yes, but would just be another one of the hundreds of scout's lives that have been lost.

You could almost say that you pity all of these poor kids who are clearing on the precipice of passing out from the amount of panic they are experiencing. But this is how it is.

You’ve been pulled aside by the commander, him and Levi discussing the plan that the commander has cooked up.

It’s a piss poor one.

But it’s the only thing that you’ve got. It’s either sit with your tails tucked between your legs or go out with some semblance of dignity.

As the commander explains to you and Levi what’s to happen… you can almost say that you pity Erwin, as well. He looks downtrodden. Sad. He’s always been such a strong man. As long as you’ve known him. Which has been a relatively long time. Feels longer than it actually has been, though.

That’s what happens when your life is full of nothing but orders, duty, and despair.

“Give up on your dreams and die.”

You hold back a snort when Levi says it. Such an elegant way to convince a man to give up on his lifelong goal of confirming the information that his father had fed to him when he was a child.

The conversation doesn’t last long after that, and the three of you go to address the recruits.

This time, you really do feel pity for them. Some of them have started crying, others look like they’re about to throw up. Only a select few manage to maintain the facade of confidence and bravery that they have painted onto their faces since the day that they joined the scouts. Since the day they realized that their lives would amount to little to nothing.

Because that’s the life of a scout.

When everyone is dismissed, the commander calls out to you just as you start to go and prepare a horse for what is the definition of a suicide parade.

He jerks his head off to the side before walking just around the corner of a building. The street that it’s on gives a clear view to the beast titan and his barricade of minions.

A scary sight.

“I want to thank you for your service.”

You hum in response. “I appreciate that, sir.”

There’s a beat of silence.

“I also want to apologize for having to lead you to such a fate.”

“I’ve been prepared for worse, sir.”

“Still-” his blue eyes stay trained on the horizon “-you have fought long and hard for the Survey Corps. I’m sure that you imagined a more glorious death.”

A huff of what’s almost laughter leaves your nose. “I don’t think I would call any scout death a glorious one, sir, but I suppose so, yes,” a small, depressing smile tickles the edges of your lips. “But I’ve known that one of these days I would run out of luck. All of us do, don’t we?”

“Indeed,” he pauses before taking a deep breath. “You’re more collected about this than I would have expected you to be.”

“Well…” you think for a moment. “I’ve thought of myself dying in numerous ways, sir. This one isn’t one of the scenarios that I had thought up. I guess I could say that… I’m excited to see how it plays out.”

The commander chuckles lowly. “I always knew you were a little crazy.”

You shrug. “Maybe I am crazy, or maybe I’m just ready. It is a scout's duty to die for humanity, isn’t it?” It’s a bit of a coy jab at him. He’s been spouting that same bullshit to all of the recruits just as his predecessors have. Except with him, he tends to take his bluntness to a whole new level.

It always makes you smile fondly at how blatantly unempathetic he can be.

“Indeed,” he nods. Perhaps he actually believes what he’s been saying, then. “We have brought new opportunities to our people. I’m certain that Levi will handle the beast titan and the wall will be closed up.”

“It’s been an honor to have served under you, commander.”

“Next to me.”

“Hm?”

“You’ve served next to me. We’re comrades who have fought side by side.”

This time a smile that’s a little more genuine comes to your face. “I suppose we have. Then I guess it will be an honor to die by your side as well.” His hand comes up to gently grasp your shoulder.

“And I you.”

And I you. Those words linger in your mind.

“We should get ourselves ready, shouldn’t we, commander?”

“Yes, yes we should.” With that, he releases your shoulder, turning around to retreat back around to the rest of the troops.

Your hands clench just a little bit before you whirl around and call out- “Commander?”

Erwin turns his head over his shoulder.

“For the sake of dying without any regrets, I would like to inform you,” you take a deep breath. “I’ve been in love with you since I joined the corps.”

You could almost swear that you see his lips crawl into a smirk.

“I know.”

I know.

“Of course, you do…” you mumble, huffing a little. That man does not miss a single damn thing.

Erwin straightens himself, standing still and facing away from you.

“I expect you to ride on my right.”

And then he’s continuing on.

You blink harshly before shaking your head and following.

And I you.

Those words seem to hold a bit more meaning now.

Your shoulder also thrums with a comforting heat.

And I you.

At the end of the line, you face down death with a brave face. You face down death with your fellow scouts at your side, all of them terrified out of their minds but continuing on because that’s their duty.

And when you’re hit by that boulder, the last thing that you hear is the deep roar of your commander Erwin, pulled from the very depths of his soul.

[bcdwhcre]

Could you Maybe write a headcanon about Levi and erwin taking in the reader after her parents died where she is living with all the scouts/cadet corps and just Like them being her two fake overprotective dads? (You Can add a Lil erenxreader if u want)

If you dont wanna write this thats totally fine, ily <3

“Father Figure,” Erwin x Levi Headcanon

I actually really like this ideaaaa, I can imagine Levi and Erwin being over protective dads.

Summary: headcanon of Erwin and Levi as overprotective dads after they take baby you in after your parents die.

Warnings: noneee, just fluffy dads

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Levi:

When Levi found you in the streets, skinny, on the brink of death and crying after witnessing your parents die from starvation, it had gave him horrible flashbacks from when he was in that same position.

He didn’t hesitate to take you in and raise you as his own, you even got comfortable enough to call him dad but they were times when you would switch between dad and Levi which he didn’t mind.

Once you became of age, you had tried to convince Levi to let you join the scouts but he continuously said no which made you bicker with him.

You definitely got your stubbornness from him 100%. The small arguments between you two were entertaining like two children fighting over the last slice of pizza until he would get irritated and made you clean.

When the new set of cadets came in, it wasn’t long that you became close friends with Eren, Armin and the rest of them since you were around their age but Levi had always tried his best to keep you separated from the cadets, it only made your dream to become a scout increase.

“When are you going to let me join the scouts, dad?” You brought the topic up once again, he was sure this was the millionth time this month you had brought it up but he was obviously being dramatic

“I’m not letting you join, Y/N. That will always be my final answer.” The annoyance in his tone was obvious and he had stared over at you, making you let out a groan.

“Why are you so afraid of me joining? I learned from the best and you’re keeping me trapped in here like a dog!” You certainly pushed his buttons even to the point where he would ask himself why he picked you up and took you in but of course he never regretted that decision, he loved you like his own.

“I’m not letting you go out there and risk your life under my watch, Y/N.”

“As if you don’t leave me here to risk your life and leave me wondering if I’ll become an orphan again.”

Levi grew quiet, he knew you were right but he never really went deep into thought about it and he couldn’t help but feel guilty once he saw it from your point of view.

“I doubt I’ll be dying anytime soon, too good at my job.” He said with a snarky attitude, his eyes moving back down to the papers in front of him.

“Doesn’t matter, you shouldn’t be hypocrite. I want to join the scouts.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“I said no.” Levi shot you a hard glare, making you close your mouth and breathe in through your nose.

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore, get out of here and go do your chores.” He simply said, using his hand to gesture you off and that had made you upset, mumbling words he couldn’t make out while you stepped towards the office door.

“Hey,” He spoke up again, making you turn around and you had gotten scared that he heard your mumbles and was probably going to add more chores to your list.

“I love you, alright? I’ll think about it.” Levi had a huge soft spot for you, his heart weighed heavily to even think about his own child joining the scouts. He wanted you to be somewhat normal and live a normal life.

“Really? You’re serious?”

“I might be but I can’t promise that I would agree to it, Y/N.” He said in a grumpy tone, a groan leaving his lips when you ran over to hug onto him.

“Thank you, dad.”

You certainly kept Levi on his toes and always gave him headaches to the point where he would miss the times you were young, adorable, didnt argue back, cuddling into him as you slept instead being a pain in the ass teenager but he wouldn’t have it any other way.

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Erwin:

Erwin had somehow ended up at the scene. After wall Maria had fallen, they went through to try and find any survivors and that’s when his laid upon you. You were in your crib, quiet and completely unharmed.

Both of your parents were nowhere in sight and he had feared that they’ve been eaten by the Titans. He didn’t want to take you in, he had tried to fight the urge to have his emotions connected to his job but once he lifted you up in his arms, your big eyes instantly melted his heart.

After that, you grew up under his roof and under his supervision. It had taken him years for him to be comfortable enough to tell you that he wasn’t your real father and that your real parents had died, you were around 16 when he first sat you down and told you.

But that didn’t change the love you had for your father, you were very close with him and he made sure to be the best he could be, better than his dad at least.

Since you had lived with Erwin, you were always around the scouts and the cadets, you even had a small crush on Jean and once your father found out, he definitely started playing the overbearing dad to the point where he would watch you closely and even told the scouts to not entertain you.

That really didn’t stop you nor Jean from being friends and even flirting here and there but Jean would get scared every time Erwin would give you that deadly look.

After that, he tried to keep you away from the cadets/scouts and gave you more chores and stuff to do like go into town to shop, to do things where it would be far from the cadets and he would even force you to eat in his office with him instead with the others, it had gotten on your nerves but you were smart enough to not talk back and defy him in anyway, Erwin can definitely be harsh with punishments and treat you like a cadet.

But Erwin also was too soft when it came to you, he wouldn’t do anything to hurt you or make you hate him because you grew up to be a well grounded person, you grew up around the sweetest and smartest guy from the scouts and you learned hell of a lot from him.

“I seen you with Jean today.” Erwin spoke as he ate his food and you tried to avoid the topic, acting as if you were just asking him questions.

“I was just asking him where the cleaning supplies were, he had them last.” You cleared your throat, the little lie he can easily see right through.

“You don’t have to lie to me, I raised you better than that, Y/N.” He raised his eyebrow, giving you another chance to tell the truth.

“Sorry, dad.” You mumbled, picking at the food on your plate to keep yourself distracted from not making eye contact with him.

“Look, I hate to be the bad guy here. I didn’t want you to be so involved with the scouts like this but I guess it was unavoidable when we live here. I just don’t want you to involve emotions when it’s not promised that he’ll make it back alive every mission.” Erwin had to be nice, only for your sake but deep down he wish he could lock you away from all the cadets.

“You’re acting as if I’m about to marry him.” You snort out a laugh, looking up at him and he chuckled.

“Certainly not, that would be over my dead body before I allow that to happen.” He admitted, making you furrow your eyebrows.

“You’re so dramatic. I’m not dating Jean.” You rolled your eyes, he was always dramatic you thought. He always watched over you like a hawk and you never really understood why when you were perfectly safe living inside the base.

But deep down Erwin always feared that he would end up losing you. Even though he always told himself, no emotions or personal feelings when it came to joining the scouts and becoming commander but now his life revolved around you, making sure you were safe, healthy and happy above all but what he also feared the most is that he won’t make it home one day to you and that’s why he’s always so loving and over protective.

That’s why he constantly wants to spend time with his only child, he didn’t want you to feel how he felt when his father disappeared. So when it came to you hanging out Jean a little too much, the father instinct kicked in and he tried to get between, afraid of losing you to not only Titans but to another man.

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I hopeeeeee this turned out good for you🥺🤧 feel free to send in more requests.

• Main Masterlist •

• AOT Masterlist •

[writerdream22]

requested by: no one, but I sincerely hope you like this anyways ✨🌻💛

pairings: levi ackerman x wife!reader, eren jeager x reader (platonic), hange zoe x reader (platonic), erwin smith x reader (platonic), etc.

warnings: none

taglist: @randomfandomimagine (let me know if you want to be added to the taglist!)

a/n: I know I haven't been posting in a long while, and that I have lots and lots of pieces to work on. I've been watching aot for a while, and I wanted to write something regarding that fandom

You and Levi had met when you were just teenagers; you were the daughter of a scouting legion commander, and Erwin's new friend had caught your attention

Just like an ordinary introvert person, you were really shy, and it was Erwin himself who introduced you to Levi, Farlan and Isabel

“They seem like nice people, you know?”

“Uh?”

“The kids from the underground city. You should go introduce yourself”

“They're criminals, Erwin. I won't go talk to them. They will surely snob me as soon as they see me”

“Trying doesn't hurt. And if they say something, just use the moves you learnt while training.”

“If you say so”

You were intimidated, especially by Levi. But it seemed that he was willing to talk to you

“Hi, uhm, my name is— my name is y/n”

“We know who you are”

“Erwin told us lots about you! I'm Isabel, and these two boys are Levi and Farlan”

“I just wanted to know if the three of you needed someone to show you around”

“Kids, cadet y/l/n will show you around. All right?”

“Yes sir!”

You immediately thought that it was a bad idea to be left alone by yourself, with people you didn't know. Erwin knew well that you felt anxious around newcomers, but he sincerely wanted you to have some friends.

The tour went all right; you and Isabel had immediately gotten along, while it took you a few months to warm up to Levi and Farlan

As time went on and you were slowly becoming autonomous, people started to think that you and Levi were actually related and that you had somehow been separated at birth; you were both quite short, with dark hair and light-colored eyes

Not to mention that you both loved tea

When you became part of the scouting legion, you were happier than ever even though you were fully aware of the risks you were taking

When Isabel and Farlan died, you and Levi were devastated. You had set aside your grief, and stayed by Levi's side

“What are you doing here?”

“Couldn't sleep. You?”

“Neither could I. I was making some tea, do you want some?”

“Yeah, Levi, thank you”

“Would you like to talk about — about that?”

“No, not really”

“Oh, well— can I braid your hair instead? It calms down the two of us. Me and Isabel had so much fun doing that, remember?”

“Tch, I hated it. But yeah—braid my hair, y/n”

You and Levi shared a sweet moment. You didn't talk, nor you wanted to, but you comforted each other just with your presence.

As time went by, you and Levi got extremely close. The two of you became corporals, giving Erwin the condition of always having to work together no matter what

The only people that the two of you became friends with, or just cared about, were Hange and your squad

One day, while you and the other corporals of the scouting legion were having breakfast, Hange made a sarcastic remark about how you and Levi were close

“Can't you just leave each other alone for a minute?”

“We just care about each other, and we respect our boundaries”

“Seems like you have some— that you share romantic feelings for each other, eh? ”

“What do you mean, Hange?”

“Yeah, this is ridiculous. Let's go, y/n, we need to prepare for our next mission”

Hange's words really sparked something in your soul. You started to think abot the relationship that you and Levi had, the special treatment you reserved for each other even though you were famous for being strict...

One day, you decided to confront him

“Hi”

“Hi, y/n, is everything all right?”

“Yeah. Have you— have you thought about what Hange said?”

“Yeah...”

“I did too, by the way”

“And what did you want to tell me about it?”

“She was right. I do have romantic feelings for you, but I need to know that you feel the same before I pour my heart out to you”

“Levi, please say something”

“I don't just like you, y/n, I love you. And now, come here—”

Then and there, he kissed you. Your first kiss, just like you had imagined.

You decided to keep your relationship a secret for a while, as you didn't want Hange to know that she was right. She found out anyways, and she told everyone.

After a few years, you decided to get married. You were extremely happy, and you couldn't ask for anything else in the world.

“With this ring, I give you my soul. With this ring, I put my trust in you, and hope to live by your side until we grow old. Meeting you was one of the best things that could have ever happened to me. I wanted a splinter of happiness in that pathetic, dark void I had grown accustomed to call life. Meeting you fulfilled my dream of becoming a better man. With this ring, you make me happy, and I hope that I'll make you happy as well. Meeting you made me learn what true love is. I love you, y/n, always and forever”

As a team, Levi was deemed as more important by your superiors. Sometimes, they didn't even address themselves to you and just talked to your husband.

“Sir, my wife here also contributed to the mission. I think that you should congratulate yourself to her, as well”

Levi always looked out for you, making sure that every single detail was to your liking. As everyone knew, he showed his vulnerable self to only you, and you were grateful for the trust he had given you.

“Are you ok, darling?”

“Yeah. You're still working on those papers, eh?”

“I just have to sign a few things, then I have to meet up with Erwin. Tch, this stuff is so tiring sometimes”

“We can take a walk around the compound later, if you want. Then, I can make you some tea”

“That would be fantastic, y/n. You're really the best wife in the world”

“I'm your only wife, Levi”

The whole situation that emerged from the apparition of abnormal titans stressed you out, quite a lot nevertheless. Levi had noticed it, and saw that you were more nervous than usual. He made sure to always ride by your side, to always be able to keep his eye on you.

He knew what stress did to you. It made you more vulnerable, more subject to distractions, and he didn't want to lose you at all.

During one of your many missions, where you had the unpleasant surprise of meeting the female titan, you got severely hurt.

“What were you thinking?!”

“I wanted to save our squad! I wanted to save Petra, Oluo, everyone! But I couldn't!”

“You risked your life, y/n! You could have died, you know that?”

“I sure do, Levi! That's what soldiers do! They die, after having done something good for humanity, and I lived a pretty decent life! I got married, I had friends, but I am alive now! I am all right, it's just routine”

“You can't just do things recklessly. I can't stand losing you. Not now, not ever. I want to build a family with you, I want to live my life with you and only you. You can't die, you got it?”

“Yes, Levi. I'm sorry”

“Let me get you some tea, now”

That's when you fully understood that Levi loved you. You had managed to warm up his heart with your sweet and kind words, and he'd managed to conquer yours with just a look in your eyes.

[merminns]

No regrets

Erwin Smith x Reader

❧ Request: Hii may i request...Erwin angst...when (S3 spoiler) Erwin march toward the 🐒 with the other soldier, instead of him tht went, it was the reader. Reader just cant make the humanity lost their commander so when he is distracting (idk something happened) reader just take their horse n march with the soldiers, (then do ur magic DETAILS like ur erwin stories✨✨) n levi also decide not to save us like in the s3....shshsh i know this lame :33

❧ Content/Warnings: platonic levi x reader, season 3 spoilers, angst, mentions of injuries and blood, reader dies in the end 

❧ Word count: 3k

❧ Notes: this is a repost from my old blog

Going back to shiganshina after all of these years was a huge deal. Especially after the glorious send-off you were given by the citizens of Wall Rose. You came back to reclaim Wall Maria after six long years, you’re taking back your land and defeating the titans that filled your hearts with terror, cause that’s what heroes do.

But in reality, it didn’t really feel that way to you. Instead of being the hero who’s facing their fear, you feel like a terrified child living in a nightmare.

You expected a fight with the titans, of course, you did. Taking back your land won’t come without a fight, without losses. And it’s not your first time facing titans.

You’ve been fighting them for years now, getting rid of them one after the other alongside your friends. Your records are filled with a decent number of kills and you are proud of it.

But this… this is different, you’ve never been in this situation before. You fought titans and you watched them kill your comrades in the worst ways imaginable, but never in your various years within the survey corps did you ever imagine that these monsters would show this tactical intelligence.

It made the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end. Titans are a nightmare on their own, with intelligence like that you’re surely done for.

When you came to shiganshina you expected a fight against the armored and the colossal, even the beast titan, but not a tactical war with pure titans that follow command, and most certainly not rocks killing your most skilled comrades and caging you against the wall.

Despite your fear, you felt a sarcastic chuckle slip past your lips. You’ve lived for years with nightmares of being eaten, and now you’re dying in a titan game of baseball, how pathetic.

Your eyes drifted to Erwin and Levi who were having a private conversation nearby as you tried to calm the panicking recruits. Erwin… your commander, your love, the man who never knew how to back down. He's not in the best physical state, but he just had to come along. He had to be here even though he knew he won't be able to fight.

Despite the fear eating at your heart, you kept your composure, that’s the least you owed your commander. After the recruits calmed down, you made your way to where Erwin and Levi stood. Their conversation halted as you stood in front of them, their eyes holding something unreadable in their depth.

"I'm hoping these looks mean you came up with a plan… " You spoke, your voice coming with the quiver you never hoped to show.

A moment of silence passed, a look shared between Erwin and Levi… if this meant anything then you weren’t about to hear good news. There was tension in the air as Erwin explained his plan to you. It was then that you understood the look in their eyes, you think a similar one can be seen in your eyes now.

It finally dawned on you that this is the end. There is no way out of this war alive. Erwin's plan had a single meaning; if you keep standing where you are, you'll be flattened by the rocks thrown at you by the beast, and if you fight back, you die. You'll have to give your lives so Levi could deal with the Beast Titan.

You always knew this day would come. A war with the titans can’t end without casualties. The survey corps numbers were always changing. These are all facts, but you had hoped it wouldn’t be like this.

The fear was eating at your insides, it’s impossible to face titans without it, but you knew ever since your very first day with the corps that you’ll have to be ready to give your life. You were ready to accept it… that is, until Erwin spoke up again.

"We'd have to ask these young people to give up their lives. You'd need the skills of a first-rate con man to come up with a reason that convincing, so I doubt any of them would charge forward unless I was leading the way."

His words are like a slap back to reality, it wasn’t just your life you were giving. All of your remaining comrades will have to give theirs too, including the commander. The survey corps are going to be wiped out in a crazy move of mass suicide. But it wasn’t only your lives that would have to be given, and all it took was one look in Erwin’s eyes to know where this was going.

"Which would mean I'd be the first to die, " Erwin said and you held your breath waiting for his next words "without ever learning… what was in that basement."

You knew it, you knew this was coming but it still hurt. Amid this chaos, you managed to forget the reason why Erwin insisted to be here in the first place.

'Oh, Erwin, if only you weren't so stubborn' The words were dancing on the tip of your tongue but you couldn’t speak.

Of course, Erwin has dreams, he’s just as much of a human as everyone here. While most of the corps were fighting for freedom or revenge, Erwin was fighting for the truth, for evidence that his father’s death meant something.

The look of shock on Levi’s face came nowhere close to the pain you felt. You joined the scouts for a purpose, too. Your dream was freedom, you hoped to be free of the confinement and the terror that the existence of the titans brought. But, now that you think about it, you did get a taste of freedom.

You were free from the confinement of the walls on your horse, feeling the air rushing through your hair and over your skin every time you went out on an expedition.

You were free of terror every time you raised your swords to cut through the nape of a titan’s neck. Every time you brought a titan down you had a taste of the freedom you were chasing.

And the people who fought for revenge, didn’t they get that too? They killed titans, they felt the satisfaction of getting rid of the enemy who hurt them and their loved ones.

The only dream that was never given a chance was Erwin’s. How unfair could the world be to take away the only chance from the man who helped give almost every soldier in the scouts a taste of their dreams? No… he can’t die, not yet.  

You let Erwin give his speech. That’s one thing that no one else can do. Erwin is the only one who can convince the recruits, crying out in fear, to stand tall and fight back as they take their last breaths of the air filled with the smell of dust and death.

As Erwin and the recruits were absorbed in their final thoughts and the speech, you slightly pulled on Levi’s sleeve pulling him back several steps.

The first step of your plan came into action as you answered Levi’s questioning look with a whisper “I want you to distract him.”

“What?” Levi asked, the confusion only growing on his face.

“I want you to distract Erwin. He is giving his speech, I’ll lead the recruits to their death,” you say, your whole being pleading that Levi would agree to help you. He has to, this won’t work out without his help.

“But—”

“Levi, please. The scouts still need him, you know that!” you pause glancing back at Erwin to make sure he’s not listening “When it’s time to move, I want you to pull him aside, tell him it’s something important. It’ll only take a few seconds, then you can carry out your part of the plan and kill the beast.”

“And how do you plan to stop Erwin from following you?”

“I’ll take any extra horses with me, he won’t be able to help you kill the beast and his odm gear won’t do much for him to follow after me,” you held your breath, your eyes pleading. This has to work “Please! Just do me this final favor.”

A moment passed as Levi glanced at Erwin then back to you, his expression unreadable. It was obvious your sacrifice isn’t just for the sake of the corps. “...Fine, but you’ll have to be quick”

“I’ll do my best… Thank you, Levi” the smile that spread across your face was blinding. It held so much gratitude, a final thank you combined with a goodbye.

It didn’t take long for Erwin’s words to give everyone back their composure. You helped everyone fall in line as fast as possible. You are running out of time. The houses around you are almost flattened. You have to move forward, this has to work. You can’t fail this, it has to be meaningful, for you, for the recruits who’ll pay their lives with you, for the whole of humanity… and most importantly, for Erwin.

Everyone is on their horses but it’s not time to move yet. You let your eyes meet Levi’s for one last time giving him a slight nod, signaling for him that you’re ready as you settled on your horse.

Levi stopped Erwin from riding his horse beside you, telling him there’s something important that he has to know first and pulling him aside. He walked Erwin as far from you and the recruits as possible without making it seem suspicious.

Erwin followed urgently after Levi not even allowing you one last look at his face. But that was ok, you didn’t need to see his face, it was already burned to the back of your eyelids.

It all took a few seconds, once you saw Levi and Erwin start talking you took hold of Erwin’s horse and started screaming encouragements for the recruits to charge as you rushed forward. Erwin’s shock had him freeze for a couple of seconds and that was enough for you.

You charged forward with the recruits right after you. Levi waited for a few more seconds to make sure Erwin wouldn’t follow after you. When he was sure you were far enough he took off towards his target, leaving Erwin standing there alone his eyes wide in shock.

Your screams of encouragement were so loud, louder than Erwin ever heard them. They were loud enough that even though you were too far away for him to follow he could still hear your voice filled with determination.

You didn’t look back, there was no reason to. This is the right decision, this plan will work and Erwin will lead what’s left of the scouts to victory. Your life is a small price to pay, it’s nothing compared to the rest of the lives that were already lost.

You can see the beast drawing his hand back, getting ready to shower you with the next round of crushed boulders. Your yelling never stopped even though your throat was running sore from all the screaming.

You didn’t stop when the flares were shot, not when the rocks started showering the frontline lead by you. You didn’t stop when the rocks started growing larger in your vision, you hardly even saw them. All you could see was the future, a bright one without the titans and the fear and the pain. You could see the past, the best and the worst of it. All the memories that you shared with every single one of your comrades.

You kept yelling for everyone to rush forward as tears ran down your face. It’s going to be ok, you had all you ever needed. It was time for you to follow through the same path your fallen comrades walked.

Your screams were cut short when the first rock hit you, sharp pain running through your whole body and the world started spinning as you fell off your horse. The tears still filling your eyes helped blind you, sharp whistles filling your ears and the ever-growing pain flowing through you in waves.

You could hear screams of the fallen around you, hidden behind the ringing in your ears. You could feel the air rushing across your skin as the soldiers rushed past you on their horses. Your mind was as paralyzed with pain as your body.

You just laid on the ground, your tear-filled eyes directed to the blue of the sky but the world has lost its color. It went on forever until you were numb, you have lost all feeling, the only thing you can hear is the sound of your heart growing faint as the blood pooled around your body.

You let your eyelids cover your eyes like curtains, your mind swimming somewhere between consciousness and an endless void. You could hardly feel a thing.

It almost felt like falling asleep, your grasp on reality slipping away. But through the back of your mind, the tiny part that was still conscious could feel your body being moved by someone and a rapid rush of air running across your skin.

It gave a jolt to your brain as if something is trying to pull you back to reality but you were too weak. All you wanted was some rest, you just wanted to sleep.

It was a shock to everyone that you’re still alive. You were in bad shape after losing so much blood. Your breath was faint, but it was there and it was enough for you to be revived by the injection. Armin’s state was worse, the fact he was still breathing was a complete miracle, his whole burned away.

Through your clouded consciousness, you could register voices and movement around your body that laid motionless close to Armin’s. It took everything in you to open your eyes, to try to make out the words being yelled back and forth around you.

Through your blurry vision, you could make out the outline of a face so close to yours, peering down at you. You couldn’t see clearly but you knew it was Erwin. Your hearing wasn’t fully registered but you could make out a few words, things like ‘Armin’, ‘Injection’, ‘need’, and your name.

Your foggy mind could barely understand what was going on, but questions started to fill up the part of your consciousness still present.

Were you dying? The last thing you remember is sharp pain rushing through you in waves, but it seems more like a distant memory.

Was Armin dying? If there are mentions of Levi’s injection then this surely is the case.

A few seconds passed when a new figure appeared in your limited line of vision looking down at you over Erwin’s shoulder. Both of them shifted around until the short figure disappeared again, leaving you with Erwin.

Erwin’s voice was so close to your ears, faint whispers about how it’s going to be alright falling past his lips. You felt a huge hand wrap gently around your forearm, followed by a sharp object touching your arm. The injection!

“No,” The barely audible whisper that left you halted Erwin’s actions as his eyes shot to your face “Did we win?”

It felt like too much time has passed before you heard Erwin’s reply “Yes, it’s over”

You were using up too much of your energy to fight back the fog filling your mind. Just a few seconds more, a few more and you’ll allow yourself some rest.

“Save… Armin” your voice was growing weaker, breaths growing shorter.

It broke Erwin’s heart. He was once again being selfish, everyone else chose to save you because you had more experience. To them, you were more valuable to the scouts, with the exception of Armin’s friends who couldn’t accept the fact of him dying.

And Erwin? He wasn’t much different. He wanted to save you because he needed to. He needed to scold you for the stupid move you pulled. He needed to tell you that he would’ve preferred dying by your side than be faced with your death. He needed you to live.

You didn’t understand, he can’t let you die. There was no time for him to explain how valuable you are to the scouts, how valuable you are to him.

He was about to ignore what you said, bring the syringe back to your arm again but with the almost non-existent strength you had, you pulled away.

“Armin” you whispered again, weakly. Your strength wasn’t enough for you to pull back completely, just slightly shift your arm away from the sharp needle, but it was enough to send your message across.

Erwin understood. You were never as selfish as him. You always made the decisions that would benefit the ones you care about most. Erwin took a shaky breath, the composure he usually kept was there for everyone’s eyes, but he wasn’t as composed on the inside.

Armin is a valuable soldier. He is an essential part of the scouts and you understood that. He should be the one to live. And Erwin knew this fight would make no difference if he couldn’t throw everything he had away.

He was ready to throw his dreams and his life away, but you chose for him. You decided he’d keep his life and dreams but in exchange, he’d have to give you up.

After injecting Armin and pulling your weak body away, Erwin stayed by your side. He kept his one hand placed on your heart, waiting for the faint beating to completely stop. And it would have lasted longer if you hadn’t used up so much energy.

To your weak mind, this was the right decision. Armin would do more change for the scouts, for humanity than you ever could. You had no regrets, you’ve got everything you ever asked for.

You allowed your eyes to rest again, let the energy leave your body. And with the last few seconds your breath was there, you could register one whisper. I love you.

Masterlist | Share thoughts with me ☺

[make-me-imagine]

Red Roses: “I Love You” - Bucky Barnes Ending

Valentines Special: Day Nine

Day One: Morning Glories  //  Day Two: Blue Salvias Day Three: Sunflowers  //  Day Four: Pink Camellias Day Five: Yellow Tulips   // Day Six: Violets Day Seven: Lisianthus  //  Day Eight: Daffodils (Post with rest of the character endings)

Plot: It’s finally Valentines Day, the day the reader will finally learn who it is that had been leaving them flowers and notes expressing their secret feelings. 

Pairing: Gen!Neutral Reader x Bucky Barnes

Triggers: None     

Words: 2,233 (this is the longest ending I think but it’s mostly because of the lead up to the reveal/admission) 

Requested Taglist: @aquariuslavenderhoney​​, @thebookbakery​​ @spuffyfan394​​​, @fablesrose​​, @kitkatd7​​, @thefallenbibliophilequote​​, @beksib​​, @destynelseclipsa​​, @criminaly-supernatural​​, @tammythompson-singslikea-muppet, @belloangelus​​, @snarky--starky​​, @saintbootlegloras​​, @wecallhimbrowneyess​​, @empath-bunny​​, @okkulta​​, @katinthemoon,  @ravennight41​​, @youcancallme-rae , @radhumandragonclam, @unfortunateidiotinadilemma, @past3l-w1ngs​​ ,  @goinggoinggonzo​​, @mxxnmocha​​, @euphouriaszn2​​

February 14th

As the morning light lit up your room and you slowly woke up, you found that you had no memory of falling asleep. Stretching, you stayed in your bed for a few moments before slowly sitting up. Hearing a crinkling sound under your leg, you checked, finding the note from the previous nights bouquet delivery. You suddenly remembered that you had been lying on your bed, reading over the note. You must have drifted off to sleep at some point. Though, you had faint memories of weird and uncomfortable dreams, but no specifics stuck in your memory. 

The realization that today was Valentines Day hit you, and you were suddenly filled with a mixture of anxiety and excitement. You took a few deep breaths as you tried to calm yourself down. Today is the day, when everything changes. 

Getting out of bed, you got ready for the day. Knowing that you still had work to do today before the party this evening. You would try your best not to think about what was going to happen today. Even though you didn’t know for sure when it would happen exactly. Before the party, during, after?

You left the tower shortly after getting ready, you needed to go to the SHIELD base today, Fury had some assignments for you. Hopefully whatever he had for you would be distracting. 

Once you arrived you got right to work, tracking and scouting the possible group that sent the team after the SHIELD base. You never left the SHIELD building, instead, tracking them from drones and satellites. You were gathering information on their movements and number of people. Taking a few breaks throughout the day to work on some other assignments. 

Around 5pm, Fury came back to check on you and your progress. After updating him, he sat down on the corner of the table next to you, staring down at you. 

“So, got any plans for tonight?” 

“Uhh, just attending Tony’s party.” 

He nodded his head “Nothing else?” he questioned, something in his tone seemed off. 

Turning, you eyed him for a moment before rolling your eyes “Which one told you, Nat or Clint?” 

He smirked “Told me about what?” 

Knowing his game, you turned back around “Nothing.”

He chuckled “Okay, yeah, Romanoff mentioned the flowers, and being a romantic myself, I am naturally curious, so, do you know who it is yet?”

You sighed as you turned back to him “No, I don’t....but, tonight I am supposed to find out...”. He was the first person you actually told that too. No one else knew that they had planned to show themselves tonight. Not unless the secret person told someone else that is. 

“Ooh” he laughed “Well then, you better go get ready.”

“What? The party isn’t for another three hours.” 

“Well you’ve got to dress to impress right? Go, go!”

“I- “

“That’s an order Agent” he said with a more serious tone. 

Closing your opened mouth, you stood as he stared at you expectantly, after taking a few steps away you turned back to him “I never knew you to be a romantic.”

He smiled at you “Oh yeah, love that shit. Ever read Pride and Prejudice?” you reacted with surprise and an amused smile at this as he continued “It’s a secret passion though. Secret, got it?” 

You returned his smile and nodded “Yes sir” before turning to leave, feeling the anxiety you had tried to run from fill your thoughts again. Upon thinking more about the party, you realized that you never actually planned out anything to wear. 

- - -

You stared at the possible outfits you had laid out on your bed, you had narrowed it down to three. You figured that the party was probably ‘black tie optional’ but definitely ‘party-esque’. So, getting rid of the more extravagant outfit, you were stuck between the silky black outfit, and the gold and black outfit. You finally decided on the gold and black, you would match with the decor a bit more. 

There was a little over an hour left until the party actually started, so you got dressed and finished getting ready, before you sat down at your desk. You grabbed the small container you had been storing the notes in and opened it, reading over the notes one more time. Looking around at the flowers placed around your room, you were almost melancholy that most of them had begun to wilt. The potted plants were still thriving, though the flowers were beginning to die as well. 

You remembered that you still needed to press one of the daffodils before they began to wilt. Deciding to do it now, you clipped off one of the prettiest blooms and took out your supplies. By the time you had finished and put the flowers away, pressed underneath some heavy books, you checked the clock, seeing that the party had technically begun about 15 minutes earlier.

Rising, you quickly grabbed your stuff before heading out the door and to the elevator. While in the elevator you began to feel antsy, your anxiety rising. When the doors opened, you walked out into the hall, seeing some people mingling, the sound of music coming from the main room.

Waking past and saying hello to a few people you knew, you entered into the main room, seeing around 50 people had already arrived, some of the avengers scattered throughout the room. You and Natasha saw each other, and met in the middle of the room. 

As she smiled at you, you felt a growing intensity. “Hey, I was wondering if you were going to show up at all, most of us were down here already.” she asked as you stopped in front of each other. 

“Oh, yeah sorry I got distracted and forgot to check the time.”

She smiled but seemed to be studying you, she spoke again, a bit quieter than before “Are you alright? Did something happen?” 

You hesitated for a moment as you looked around “I just...” you let out a small sigh “I’m supposed to learn who has been leaving the flowers tonight.” you finally said as you watched her reaction. 

She smiled lightly “Yeah, I figured.”

“Do you know who it is? I mean, you don’t have to tell me, but just. Do you?”

She seemed to think for a moment “I...think I know. But, you know I’m not gonna say anything. But just...” she placed her hands on your shoulders “Relax. Don’t overthink too much, it’ll be aright.”

You nodded your head “Yeah I know, it’s just, this sort of thing doesn’t happen a lot you know?” 

You both chuckled, as she looped her arm through yours “I’ll stay with you for a while, we’ll get a drink and some food okay?”

You smiled at her “Thanks Nat.” 

- - -

You had mingled with Nat, Sam, Clint and Rhodey for a while before you all scattered to mingle elsewhere. A lot more people had arrived and the tower was getting pretty crowded. Anytime you saw or talked with one of the other’s you felt as though at any moment they could tell you it was them. 

It started to overwhelm you a bit, so you decided you needed a breather. Finding an empty balcony, you walked out into the cool air, staring out at the bright city. You leaned over on the railing, closing your eyes and taking a breath. 

You hadn’t seen that Bucky had been watching you, and followed you when he saw you leave. So you jumped slightly when you heard a voice from behind you “Y/n?”

Turning, you see Bucky peaking out of at you, taking a step out, he closed the door behind him as he spoke “Are you alright? I saw you leave and though something might be wrong.”

You smiled at him as he watched you from by the door, his hands behind his back as he watched you closely. “I’m alright Buck” you lied. 

He nodded his head as he walked over to you, he could tell you were lying, but he decided not to press. Making sure he kept his hands hidden, he leaning against the railing, and looked out at the city for a few moments before he spoke again “How’d the flower pressing go?” 

“Oh, it went well, I like the way they are turning out so far.” you smiled, welcoming the conversation, but feeling a pang of disappointment as you remembered how Bucky reacted when you told him about the flowers. You had hoped it was him, and that when you told him about the flowers, maybe he’d give in and tell you that it had been him the whole time.

He nodded his head a few times in understanding “I think it’s really nice that you want to keep them in some way” you shared a smile, as you tried to ignore the lasting disappointment. Bucky cleared his throat a bit as you noticed his demeanor change as he straightened back up “So, uh, how do you think these would look pressed?” he asked as he pulled a small bouquet of red roses from behind his back.

You straightened up as well as you stared at the flowers, your heart now beating heavily in your chest, how did you not see those? Looking between the flowers and Bucky you opened your mouth but remained speechless, unsure of how to react. Bucky watched you expectantly for a moment as you gathered yourself, you finally let out a breathy sigh and smiled, meeting his eyes. “It’s you?”

He shrugged slightly in response “Is that surprising? Or, disappointing?” 

You shook your head “No, no, you...were actually, who I was really hoping it would be.” you said somewhat shyly. 

A smile spread across his face as you said this, clearly relieved. Passing you the flowers, he watched as your smile grew as you smelled them before looking back up at him “They’ll go great with the others” he smiled at you as you fiddled with them a bit “Don’t...red roses mean.. I love you?” you asked as you met his eyes.

He nodded his head lightly before speaking almost in a whisper “Yes, they do. And...I do” he let out a small sigh, as if relieved and happy to finally be admitting  “I love you. I’m not sure for how long exactly, but...”

“I love you too Bucky” you muttered, the sentence alone making your heart feel as thought it was going to explode. “And, they’re beautiful” you muttered “Thank you.” you looked down at the flowers again.

He took a small step closer to you, bringing his hand to your chin as he tilted your head up, so you’d look at him “I also meant every word that I wrote ya’ know.”

“I know.” you smiled at each other before you spoke again “But, how did you get the flowers to my door the days when you were around me?”

He thought for a second “It actually wasn’t that hard, the Salvias, I left one of the times I left the gym when you were running, the Lisianthus when I went to go get my wallet.”

“And what about the Camellias, how did I not catch you?” 

He let out a breathy chuckle “Wanda. She found out the day before, she caught me with the sunflowers, so I asked her to help me out.”

“Oh” you chuckled “Who else knew?” you asked out of curiosity. 

“Just Sam and Steve. But I think some of the others might have figured it out too.” He hesitated for a moment before speaking again “I was really afraid that, you’d want it to be someone else, but, then, when you told me about wanting to press them, it gave me a new sense of hope.”

You smiled at him “I was kind of afraid when you didn’t really show much response, since I was hoping it was you. But, I guess it makes sense, you are pretty good at keeping secrets” you laughed “But I am very happy that it is you.”

Returning the smile he inched a little closer, bringing his hand back to your face “I only ever want you to be happy.” He paused for a second "Can I...?”

Knowing what his question was, you leaned a bit closer as well, nodding slightly, and whispering out “Yes.”

Meeting each other with a slow passionate kiss, your heart continued to beat rapidly in your chest, but no longer out of fear or anxiety, but out of excitement and joy. When you pulled away Bucky smiled at you “Since we both don’t really want to be here, wanna go somewhere else? Go for a drive, get some decent food?” he asked in reference to Tony’s choice of a “romantic dinner”. 

You chuckled “Tony will be mad.”

“So?” he asked with a smirk.

Smiling, you looked towards the frosted balcony doors, hearing the music and chatter of people, most of whom you didn’t even know. Looking back at Bucky, you nodded your head “Okay.” 

Reaching down, he took your hand in his with a smile before he pulled you back inside. You managed to sneak out of one of the side doors, only seen by a few, including Wanda and Steve, who spotted you at the same time, meeting eyes from across the crowd, they shared wide happy smiles. 

xx xx xx xx xx

I hope this was okay, I’m really bad at bringing one shots to a close, so they often end abruptly. But I hope you liked it!!

[ererokii]

call out your name || L. Ackerman

➳ Levi Ackerman x Fem Reader

Word Count: 8381 Warnings: major character death, cussing, fluff, blood, violence, nightmares, some spoilers i think  note: This is heavily unedited! this was something that has been sitting in my drafts for ages, and i rlly wanted to post it so here it is!

synopsis:  No one’s left and there is no one to go on. All I know that my life is gone. I’m crying, missing my lover. And I got no power, on my side forever.

When she brings me coffee, her smile, I wish I could be with her. Till my last day. 

Black Tea was his favorite.

The foul stench of the liquid always made you feel displeased. It left a bitter taste on the tip of your tongue, and you never once took a sip of it. You always prepared it for him. But you liked making it for him. In exchange to see a softer side, a side of a broken man. You would jump on that opportunity many times if you could.

The greetings from the members of your squad and other cadets never failed to make you smile. Being a squad leader meant that your comrades always respected one another, including you. It always warmed the aching part of your heart, it made you feel whole once again. The aroma of the tea always made you feel at home. When you stared down at the brown substance in the tea cup, it always gave you a feeling of nostalgia. 

“Where did you learn how to make this?”

“I made this myself. Why do you ask?”

That exchange was all it took for him to be convinced by your tea making skills for some reason. From then on, he never took tea from anyone else but yourself, or he made it. No exceptions. Dear god, he would never take it from Hanji. Who knows what they could have put in there. 

His office always smelled dull, but it didn’t smell bad. No one expected anything different from the Captain. All the books were neatly stacked upon each other, nothing was out of the ordinary. When you’ve returned the next day with his desired drink, it was always the same as the day before, and the next. He was neat, and you liked that. 

When the cup was placed softly on his desk, he would look up from his papers and gaze into your eyes. His sharp silvery eyes had a glint, a look you couldn’t quite piece it together. He still had that stoic look on his face, but his eyes would soften up slightly. If you blinked, you have never noticed it. A hum of satisfaction rumbled in the depth of his chest as his fingers gripped the rim on the cup, bringing it to his mouth. His lips would part as he took a sip of the drink, closing his eyes as the warmth ran down his throat and into the pits of his stomach, relishing in the after taste it gave him.

“It tastes good.”

“Well I don’t make mediocre Black Tea, Levi.”

A gentle smile curved at your lips as you stared at the Captain, who continued to drink the brown substance.  Moments like this, where it was just you and the short man, reminded how lucky you were to live to see another day, rather a special someone. Life in this hell was sacred by all means. Any day the walls could come crashing down and that would be the end of humanity. More so yourself along with the rest of the Scouts. It was like counting your days on a calendar when an Expedition was approaching. It was important to say goodbye and whisper an I love you, like it would be your last. No one knew.

And that was the scary part.

☽✧ ✦ ✧☾

I said I gave all my love to you. 

Levi had horrible nightmares. On average, he got 2-3 hours of sleep, every night. Maybe he could get a good solid four hours, but never above that. The amount of times he saw his comrades die in his dreams, was almost too much for him. From Isabel and Farlan, to the death of his squad. Too many people died in front of him. Many people he cared about. 

The bed that brought most comfort to others, did the exact opposite for Levi. He dreaded going to sleep for the most part. Instead of it soothing his troubles and reassuring that he was alive and safe, it gave him the memories that he hated most. Their cries always rang in his ears as he tried closing his eyes for a night's rest. The position he slept in was never good enough. Nothing was ever good enough for his slumber. If he could hate anything other than Titans, it would be his dreams. 

“Levi! Help me Levi!’ your pleading cries called out for him as you thrusted an arm in the air, desperate to latch onto anything. Your legs have been bruised by the grip of the humanoid creatures. Your breathing has gotten worse as your ribs began to crack at the tightening hold. “Please Levi!”

The captain couldn’t move. The blades in his hands were nothing. They seemed weightless, like paper. His orbs focused on your struggling body as you begged for mercy. His mouth was parted as small puffs of air left his mouth. His hands shook as he watched the titan bring you closer to its mouth. 

It was like in slow motion. Your blades that you were skilled with, your weapons, fell right out of your hands and landed on the comfort of the ground. The cracking of the metal could be heard from the ground as your maneuvering gear snapped in half, the pieces falling from your body and landing with clangs. Your legs continued to kick at the ginormous hand that kept you captive. The titan stared down at you with its beady eyes and creepy like smile. 

“Levi help me! Please! Save me!” You screamed as you stared down at the man with terror. This wasn’t the look you always wore. You had the look of a confident soldier. A soldier who was ready to risk their life for the cause. But now, all hope was lost as your eyes were welled up with your tears, your mouth continuing to move on its own, but no sound was coming out. 

“I can’t move,” he whispered, his fingers clenching around nothing. He looked down at his hands and let out an audible noise of terror. Replacing the blades, was blood. Specifically, your blood. The blood dripped down from the inside of his jacket to his palm, the droplets falling from his fingertips. 

Your screaming had stopped as he looked up. The titan was gone. The only thing there was your body, that seemed to be laying on the ground in a weird position. 

As if now he could move, he stumbled towards you and fell on his knees, staring down at you with despair. He lowered his head to your chest and tried catching a heartbeat.

…

…

“You can’t be dead..” he trailed off and straightened himself up, his eyes piercing into your own lifeless ones. You couldn’t have died. No, it was impossible. You couldn’t leave him behind like Isabel and Farlan have. Like his mother did. You had to stay with him. 

He watched as a blood puddle formed underneath your head. The source of the oozing red was coming from the side of your frontal region. You must have hit it hard on the way down. He brought a shaky hand to touch it and retracted his hand upon feeling that it was dry and cracked. 

“Levi..why did you let me die..?” you meekly asked, looking forward up at the sky. Your chest had stopped moving up and down as the blood stain by your mouth began to dry up. Your lips began to chap up and crack. It looked like you’ve gone cold to the touch. You could have been a popsicle.

“What?” he asked quietly, his teeth chewing on the inside of his cheek. “What do you mean?”

“You let me die, Levi. Now you’re all alone,” you repeated, turning your head to face him. “Why Levi? I thought you loved me? I loved you...” your voice was hoarse from the trauma on your throat from your ear splitting screams. You were no longer gasping for air, but instead frozen like a statue. 

He couldn’t answer you. The moments where he swore to protect you no matter what, he failed. He failed as a Captain, as a friend, a comrade, and a lover. He failed.

“Levi..”

“Levi..”

“Levi!”

His eyes snapped open as he sat up quick, gasping for air. His eyes frantically scanned the shadowy room. The moon provided the only source of light, peeking through the curtains by his window. His chest heaved up and down as his nimble fingers clenched around his bed sheets. A sheer cover of sweat formed at the base of his neck and his forehead. His throat felt parched as he struggled to gain air, feeling winded from his night terror. 

The panting never stopped from him. Your hand found home on his shoulder, squeezing the clothed muscle. “Levi..”

He stopped letting air out for a moment, slowly turning his head to the side. A shape in the darkness was made by his eyes. His silvery slits squinted just enough to tell it was you in this shadowy room. He could make out the whites of your eyes, as the light hit on your face perfectly, illuminating your visage.

“..You’re alive,” he whispered, the feeling of your blood running down his arm from his dream, was still there. The thick substance felt heavy on his limb. Your confused expression was enough for him to realize that he wasn’t making sense.

“Of course I’m alive..why wouldn’t I be alive?” you questioned, running a hand through his hair, slicking it back with the sweat that he was drenched with. You could care less about the glistening liquid that was on your hands now. 

His tongue peeked out of the cavern and licked his lower lip in anticipation. What exactly was Levi anticipating? There was nothing bad happening outside of this room, outside of headquarters. The ache in his beating heart was too much for him to handle.

“It felt so real,” he started, immovable as if he was too afraid to move. “I could smell the blood..it was so close to me that I could taste it upon the tip of my tongue,” he brought a hand up to his mouth and wiped any sweat that made it to his upper lip. “The metallic taste is too familiar to me, regardless it being a Titan’s blood or a human’s blood.”

“Levi, I’m afraid I’m not understanding. What happened?”

It wasn’t out of the ordinary that you saw Levi in such a shaken up state. The man was broken and was bound to be torn to pieces by the time he was on his deathbed. The wounded soldier always suffered before letting out their last breath. 

“It got you. Those filthy bastards held you in their clutches. And I watched, pathetically as you begged and called out my name. I couldn’t move. You screamed, and cried. Then suddenly you stopped--,” he paused and looked over at you, noticing the look of shock on your face. “-- And you were dead on the floor. The titan was gone. I went to your body and your heart wasn’t beating. You begged me for an answer on why I didn’t save you,” he stopped abruptly and balled his hand into a fist, letting out a grunt.

“I let you die.”

The words that you were ready to speak, died in the back of your throat as you listened to his atrocious dream. Instead, a lump was put in place as you tried swallowing it. Your mouth had gone wilted as you wracked for anything to come out. A peep, a sigh, a cry. Anything, at this rate, Levi would think he’s all alone. And you knew he wasn’t alone. 

“Levi,” you started carefully, thinking about the ways it could go wrong, depending on what you would say. “I know you would never let me die, or any of your comrades in that matter, unless we are ordered to die. You care about your soldiers, as well as the soldiers caring about their superiors. That wasn’t the real you. You’ve been through so much trauma already..your mind just wants to add unrealistic situations to mess with you.”

“I’m not dying anytime soon, Levi. I can promise you that.”

“That’s what Isabel said before her head was completely removed from her body,” he replied, remembering the death of his two close friends from the underground. 

Isabel Magnolia and Farlan Church. 

Both infamous criminals in the underground district of Wall Sina. Isabel joined the group of thugs later on and the three became known by many merchants and poor families. Not too long the group was caught by Erwin Smith, and forced to join the Survey Corps or surrender themselves to the Military Police. The first choice was the best option as they were soldiers the next day. Less to say, their first expedition was horrible. But the outside world was beautiful.

Beautiful isn’t always meant to stay that way.

Her face was rolled across the field. The thick red substance spewed out from her body. Her once green sparkling eyes were lifeless and dull. His eyes were widened in fear. His body was sliced in half as his lower half was in the titan’s mouth, chewing, savoring the taste of the human body in its disgusting chops. 

Levi could still remember the rush of adrenaline as he took on the beast by himself. Blood was splattered as his arms were numb by the end of the fight. His blades were dull and useless as his gas needed to be replenished. Thankfully, his horse was there to aid him in his retreatment. 

“Well Levi, we’re given better training now than before,” you stated and forced him to look at you. “I’m not going anywhere okay? I promise. I’m not leaving you, ever. You won’t be alone again, I swear to you.”

His eyes searched frantically for a lie spoken within your eyes. Certainly you had to be joking. No one could ever make those types of promises with death knocking at their door. How could you talk about something so easily and not know the future? What game were you playing?

The rapid beat of his heart seemed to steady as he hung his head, shutting his eyes shut as a small breath of air ejected from his mouth. One measly statement wouldn’t cover the fact that he had let you die, reality or dream. Humanity’s Strongest, let one of the most important people in his life down. Not just down, he failed, he let you die.

And there was no way he would let that become a reality. 

“I promise to you,” he started and made eye contact with you. “I will always be there to protect you. Even if it causes my own life. You will see the outside world. With, or without me.”

Knowing that you couldn’t persuade Levi when he got serious, a gentle smile and nod was all you can do. “Okay Levi. I believe you.

☽✧ ✦ ✧☾

We dreamt a new house, some place to be at peace. 

An expedition was coming up soon. It had the same underlying goal, to retake the land that was stolen from them by the creatures. The newest recruits would need to be trained by the captain himself. 

You liked to help Levi with the recruits. It was funny to see them cower in their boots as he yelled at them to do things properly, especially when cleaning. With a new set of able soldiers, you were able to pick who you wanted.

It wasn’t mostly about height, or how muscular they were. You liked looking at their reports from their cadet years. How well they worked with others, in a serious setting. How was their combat skills? Omnidirectional maneuvering techniques? Being the top of the class didn’t mean anything if you weren’t able to defend yourself out there or give up your life. In boot camp, you were sheltered. In the Scouts, it was life or death. 

“Like this!” you grunted and placed a hand on Levi’s shoulder as you wrapped your leg around his, slamming him into the ground. There was barely an audible noise from the dark haired male as his back collided with the harsh earth underneath him. 

Currently, the both of you were in charge of refreshing their memory with hand to hand combat training. It was easy to say, most cadets already forgot how to defend themselves on the ground, which made your job more difficult than ever. Using Levi as an example was not a picture you were thinking when you’ve awoken this morning in his bed. 

“Not bad,’ Levi muttered and got off of the floor, immediately wiping the dirt off of his body. “Disgusting..now it’s my turn,” he said and didn’t give a second thought, heading straight for you. 

You moved to the side and held your arms up in front of your face, protecting yourself at all costs. Just because you were the special one in Levi’s life, doesn’t mean he’ll go easy on you. No, during any sort of training, you're his foe, the one he’s trying to protect himself from. 

The cadets gathered around in awe, enjoying the sight of their captain and potential squad leader in a fight, for their sack of learning. Two of the most strongest in all the regime, were head to head. Pretty exciting for teenagers if they do say so themselves.

Levi was quick on his feet, he was agile, and he never made a sound as he was going to attack. His foot was lifted from the air and aimed for your feet, in hopes that he could knock you down. In mind, you knew that this was Levi’s first move. Everyone expected him to go high, but no, he always went low. 

You retracted backwards and let out a huff. “Always going low, huh Levi?”

“You say that now when you’ll be on the bottom,” he replied and waited for your first offensive attack. You never attacked first. You were more of a defensive fighter. You would rather get to know someone’s skill by watching them the whole time, plus the more they hit, the more they got tired. 

Levi knew that, you were a surprise. Your offensive attack wasn’t the best. It was usually a measly kick to the head, but he always knew it. You would stutter-step before lifting your leg up. In that mere second, that’s all that it took for someone to attack.

Deciding not to wait any longer, he rushed you. Your eyes widened as you stumbled faintly. That was all it took. Levi wrapped an arm around your torso and his other pinning your arm to your back. He leaned forward and let gravity take its course as he slammed you to the ground. A loud grunt left your lips as your chest collided with the terrain. It really hurt, with your boobs hitting first, and plus the weight of Levi wasn’t helping at all.

“L-Levi!”

“What?” he answered, unemotionally as he got off of you. “You messed up and I took advantage of it. It’s not my fault you stumbled.” He’s not the type to sugarcoat anything. He knows that your lack of awareness is what needs to be fixed. 

You groaned as you rolled onto your back, opening your eyes. You were met with the delicate blue sky. The clouds moved effortlessly in the heavens. The fluffs of white hid the overbearing sun. The harsh rays beat down upon you, causing you to lift an arm to shield your orbs from the harmful light. Birds in the sky cried out as they flew with their powerful wings that made them free. 

You always wanted to be a bird when you were a child. The thought of growing the most beautiful set of wings was deemed impossible by adults around you. Many elders said how childish you sounded. At a young age, you were told about the harsh realities of this world. Dreams for children were no match for the hell on earth. 

You insisted on writing these ideas in a book. Your grandmother seemed to be your only supporter on this. She told you, that if you believed in it, and wrote it down, then the three goddesses, Maria, Rose, and Sina, would grant you this ability. Maybe the founder, Ymir Fritz would visit you in your dreams and let you transform into a bird like creature. 

A small laugh left your mouth along with a sigh of stupidity and happiness. You still had hopes and dreams of that. Your childish antics never evaporated as you got older. The small child inside of you begged to come out, wanting to spread her wings in order to see the world freely. 

“Are you okay down there?” Levi poked his head in your line of sight, his eyebrows furrowed inward.

“Levi do you think one day I’ll grow wings and fly?” you asked suddenly, a dazed look across your features as you stared directly past him. Lazily, you lifted an arm up and spread your fingers out towards the sky, as if you were reaching for something beyond your ability. “It’s beautiful…”

“What are you talking about? Did you even sleep last night? Are you sick?” Levi questioned as he grabbed your arm, forcing you to sit upward as he crouched to your level. He pressed the back of his head against your forehead and retracted it upon touch. “Well you don’t have a fever..so that’s good. Now do you mind telling me just what in the hell you’re talking about becoming a fucking bird?”

“I’ve been having weird dreams,” you started off softly, with a voice as quiet as a mouse moving, if he wasn’t paying attention, he wouldn’t have heard you. 

“Weird dreams like what?” he replied and glanced over his shoulder, noticing that the cadets scurried away to where Hanji was instead, finding interest in the new weapon she was given. He turned back around and gave you his undivided attention, a flash of rare concern popping up in his eyes. It wasn’t normal for you to ask questions like this, usually the younger ones would ask silly inquiries like this. 

“I think the three goddesses visit me in my sleep. It’s like..unreal. It seems like the afterlife. They always greet me with the same smile on their face and welcome me with open arms. One of them, I can’t remember who, always tells me that I’m free from the curse of Ymir and I don’t understand what they mean by that. Is this a sign that..it’s going to happen soon? Am I going to die soon, Levi? Or am I just being ansty because we have an expedition soon?”

Most of the time, Levi knew what to say, whether it was good or bad. Always. He knew. But unfortunately, now was not the time. He stared down at you with slightly widened eyes. His pupils dilated in size upon hearing the details.

“Course you’re not going to die soon, why could you possibly think of something so horrendous as that?” he cradled your face in his rough hands, forcing you to look up at him from your sitting position. “I told you, you aren’t dying on my watch.”

“Think about it Levi..you can’t make promises like that. I can die, you can die. Fuck, we both can die! This world is beautiful one minute then the next it’ll eat you alive because it’s so cruel! What if my dreams are trying to tell me something?! What if--” you paused and licked your chapped lips before continuing, “-- I am going to die..?”

“Don’t be stupid!” he suddenly yelled, raising his voice. His hands moved from your face to your shoulders. His fingers dug into your body, making indents in your brown jacket. “You aren’t going to die, Y/N! How many times do I have to tell you to get it through your fucking skull?!” 

His shoulders heaved up and down as he puffed out breaths of air through his parted lips. His orbs found home in yours as he stared directly, trying to find anything. He noticed the look of shock evident in your visage, feeling your shoulders relax underneath his rugged palms. 

No matter how many times Levi could reassure you, it was difficult to put your faith into his words. The voice in the back of your head always reminded you that you did your job well, that you were free. What did that even mean? 

“I’m… I’m sorry, Levi,” you averted your gaze to anywhere but him. You felt shameful. You weren’t exactly sure as to why that feeling overtook your body, but you knew that you deserved it.

He paused for a moment before speaking up once more, “You’re scaring me, you know that? You know I’ll always be there to protect you. I won’t let you have the same faith of my fallen ones. I’m willing to sacrifice my own life for you.”

You knew he was right. He meant what he said. He would lay his life on the ground for you. You shouldn’t doubt his words. Your lip quivered at his statement as a silent tear trailed down your face. Many years in the Survey Corp taught you that you had to have confidence in order to survive. Without that, you couldn’t trust your ability to fight against the man eating monsters. 

When you first joined the Scouts, you were far from confident. You were always ashamed that others over topped you in ranks, kill count and overall attitude. You were timid and an outcast at first. Hiding in your safety net was your best friend at the time. 

Many of your comrades forced you to overcome your fear of failing, but you would never budge. Majority of the time, you tried impersonating others. Maybe if you were loud and bright like Hanji, others would notice you. Or if you were loyal and caring like Moblit, maybe others would trust you as they trust others. It wasn’t that they didn’t trust you, they weren’t sure if you trusted them. 

“What if I’m not strong enough out there?”

“Tch. Are we really having this conversation again, Y/N? Erwin didn’t just pick you out for no reason. He saw potential in you. He saw a natural born leader and molded you into someone you are today. I don’t think he’s stupid to pick someone random and make them a squad leader. You were made to be a squad leader for a reason, don’t forget it.”

Levi’s words made your heart ache, yet flutter. You knew damn well why you were chosen to be a squad leader in the Survey Corps. Your bravery that you showed to others, to your commander was enough for him. You chose to display your dedication to saving humanity through actions, which was the best for you to succeed. A woman of few words, happened to be one of the most fierce, dedicated and courageous soldiers the Scouts has ever seen. 

Of course that was four ago when you were appointed as a leader. Now you were outgoing and confident in your abilities. You didn’t have a care in the world when you were on that field. It was just you, and the open land that you dangerously fought for. You didn’t have the most solo kills, but you were a team player. You ranked number 1 in kill assists, something everyone should be ranked as. Everyone needed to collaborate with their team to succeed. 

A small breath of air slipped passed your lips as you looked into his silvery iries. “I’m sorry. I doubt myself a lot, don’t I?”

He nodded in agreement as he curled his hand behind your head, bringing you close as his forehead pressed against yours. His hair tickled your frontal region as he closed his eyes. “To be frank,  you do. And it’s fine. We’re all human at the end of the day. Don’t let blind it from your goal, okay?” He asked and fluttered his eyes open, gazing into yours. “I love you..and I promise you.”

Without saying a word, you brought your hand and curled it behind his head, playing with the hairs on the nape of his neck. He pulled away from your forehead and instead, placed his lips there and lingered them on your skin. 

“I know Levi..I love you too.”

☽✧ ✦ ✧☾

We don’t know what is wrong tonight, nobody got no place to hide.  

Puffs of air escaped your lips as your fingers clenched the black reigns of your horse. You swung your arm out horizontally, yelling out commands for your squad to follow. The clopping of the war horses rang through your ears as you ran through the forest. The adrenaline and fear kicked in right away when the gates of Wall Maria opened. Your heart beat steadily increased with each step you took in the deserted land. 

Before the expedition, Levi pulled you aside prior to the departure. In stables is where you stood, giving your final affections to one another from peeping eyes. Staying in his strong arms reminded you that you had to come back safe, as well as him. This was a common thing between the both of you. You held each other accountable for staying alive. Flimsy promises were exchanged between the two of you.

His lips pressed against the back of your hand, mumbling a few words that leave tingles on your supple skin. Your lips pressed against the side of his cheek, repeating the same words back to him as you embraced him one last time. No one ever approached when they saw their Captain and Squad Leader in an intimate moment, one that might be their very last. Everyone understood the situation at hand. The two lovers were just trying to make it back for each other, and for everyone else. 

As you readied on your war horse, you caught the glance of Levi’s wandering eyes. His squad was more up ahead than yours. The Levi Squad was always placed up front to be in the center ranks, the best of the best. Your squad was mostly used for Titan Signaling, nevertheless, more important than the whole formation. His head moved slightly, as he nodded your way. In return, you repeated his ministrations as you looked forward, awaiting the commands from Erwin, who was at the head of the formation. 

“You and Captain Levi are really cute together! When are you guys getting married?”

Your eyes widened as you whipped your head to the side, meeting the cheeky smile of a cadet, who was put in your squad. “What did you say?!”

“I said when are--”

“N-No I heard you!” your voice pitched as embarrassment flowed through your veins. The only people that ever commented on your relationship with Levi was Hanji, Petra and Erwin. Occasionally Oluo would, but that was when he was feeling bold. 

Her snickers from beside you caused the rest of your squad to laugh at their now flustered leader. Before getting a chance to speak, Commander Erwin’s words cut through the air like a knife.

“This is the 54th Scout Recon mission! Our objective is to take back our land that was rightfully stolen from us! My soldiers! Dedicate your hearts!”

A warrior like cry pierced the atmosphere as every soldier raised a single blade in the air, as if calling an early victory. The gate arose from its natural position as the commander ran through first on his horse. Soon, the whole regime followed his every move.

And that’s how you ended up here. Your wandering eyes checked the clear sky for any colorful signals that could pop up anywhere. Your job, as the signaling, was to warn any nearby squads for any titans, especially abnormals. As well as warning, you were to take out any creatures that started going in the direction of the center. 

“We are to meet with the Levi Squad once we see the blue smoke signal! By then, the Hanji Squad will take over our position!” You shouted over your shoulder, receiving nods and a few “Yes Ma’am!”

“Why haven’t we gotten the smoke signal yet?” you muttered and wiped the sweat away from your forehead as your squad continued to advance forward. “We relayed many signals to the defense squads..why haven’t they relayed ours yet..” you trailed off. 

A green smoke signal caught your attention, your back straightening and reaching into the brown pouch on the side of your horse. You pulled out a smoke signal gun and loaded it, lifting your arm into the air as your finger pulled the trigger. Green smoke shot out and emitted from the small weapon, alerting the squads as they relayed the message.

“Two 15 meter abnormals coming from the back! Should we engage in combat, Squad Leader?!”

“Yes!” you yelled, pulling your blades out from their confinements. “I’ll engage with you! The rest of you, pay close attention for any signals!”

You slowed down your horse as you tugged on the reins, hearing the cry of the horse as it changed its course, going to the back. Two titans ran with their arms flailing wildly. How long have they been following?

A hook shot out of your gear and pierced through the thick skin of the monster. Your body thrusted forward as you swung around from behind in the air. You raised both arms up and brought them down on its nape, letting out a grunt at the contact. The grey blades cut the roughness perfectly, the titan immediately falling upon being struck.

Your head lifted up when you saw the other titan was on the ground too.

“Ah, good job Nessa,” you smiled tiredly as the shot of a gun caught your attention.

Blue smoke shot through the air.

The Levi Squad. 

“Perfectly timing Levi, as always,” you whispered and spoke soft words to your horse, as it returned back to you.

The trip to the location of the signal was peaceful, which was surprising. Normally as you ventured deeper into the formation, titans would have been spotted by now. Just where were they?

And why haven’t they showed up yet?

☽✧ ✦ ✧☾

I’m standing alone, no way. Calling out your name. 

The sky got grey. A messenger from the upper ranks came down and told you that a detour must be taken. The message came directly from the Captain himself, Levi. Many titans swarmed the vicinity and he deemed that it wasn’t safe for you.

“Safe my fucking ass. I throw my life on the line and this is the appreciation I get?!” you yelled angrily as you disobeyed the messenger’s orders.  

“Wait Squad Leader!” the messenger yelled with a groan as she tried her best to persuade you. “Captain Levi said it wasn’t safe for you to go! There are just too many of them for you to slip right in!”

“Well, you or myself will tell Levi too bad. And it is going to be me,” you spat, venom dripping from your mouth with the words that slipped passed your lips. You were nowhere near upset at the soldier, you were upset with your encourager, who told you that you were capable of anything.

Levi Ackerman didn’t trust your abilities. 

You grited your teeth as you kept your head down, your horse sprinting faster than ever, leaving your squad behind. You were acting on impulse now, you weren’t level headed anymore. You couldn’t think about the situation at hand. Angry thoughts were flowing in and out of your brain at a speed you didn’t know you could think at. 

You understood that Titans were surrounding the area, but not continuing the plan could mess up the whole formation, let alone the expedition. This would cost more casualties than it should. 

A droplet of water landed upon your head as you craned your neck back, looking up at the thick grey blanket that shielded the earth from the sun. Clear liquids fell from the clouds and landed on your supple flesh. Rain began to flood over the earth as a groan of annoyance rumbled from your throat. You pulled your hood over your head as you finally entered the forest, where the center ranks are at.

Where Levi was at. 

Your horse followed the dirt trail as you eyed the ground beneath you. Countless removed limbs from the deceased were tossed around like toys. The once dried up blood was becoming wet once more from the rainfall. Headless bodies were sprawled on the floor, some in rather weird positions, or some in peaceful layouts as they said their final goodbyes to the world.

“She lost her brother a month ago,” you whispered breathlessly as you passed by a young soldier, a female who was laying down by the river. Blood was smeared across her face. Her brother was a part of your squad, and like you said, he was eaten by the titans.

“Y/N, what are you doing here?!”

Your head snapped in the direction of a familiar voice. Your eyes trained ahead on a small figure, resting on a tree branch as the titan they had just fought, fell to the ground.

Levi panted softly as he wiped the blood off of his face with the back of his head. The steam began to emit as the redness began to fade away. Seeing you here was a total shock for him. Hadn’t you received his orders?

“You’re going to get yourself killed!”

“I’m fine Levi!” you yelled as you zipped up to a tree across from him. Multiple titans were running this way, but Squad Levi was handling it. Miche was nowhere to be seen, he was usually the nose of the team, the spotter of the Survey Corps. “Why don’t you trust me?!”

“I do trust you!”

“Then why wouldn’t you let me come?!”

Levi opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. His eyes flickered between your eyes and body language. Your hands were shaking, the blades in your hands weren’t steady as they normally were. 

The look in your eyes was far from normal. They had an animalistic glint to them. He noticed the way your jaw tensed up as you awaited his answer. 

This wasn’t looking good.

The words you told Levi, two weeks prior to the mission, was all he could think about. The information that you stated about your dreams and nonsense about dying was enough to shake him up inside. He was definitely concerned and wanted to keep you as safe as possible.

Speaking with Commander Erwin on this topic was downright useless. The blond did not change his plans, even though he felt pity for the short captain. He couldn’t switch up the formation and risk everyone's life for one person.  It was positioned that way for one reason only; to take back their freedom. 

How did this happen?

Why did it happen?

How could you be standing there perfectly fine, and now chaos ensues?

How.

It was too fast, faster than Levi could ever expect. A large abnormal, no signals from the squads up ahead even warned the two of you. The titan ran forward and dove across, reaching a hand and snatched you with its hand. A terrified scream rang throughout the area as the sounds of birds crying from above flew away.

A bird that you envied. 

With its creepy smile and beady eyes, the titan stood up slowly and stared down at you with a look that only a predator would give its prey. The vice like grip around your body began to slowly tighten with each millisecond. A cry of pain slipped past your precious lips as an audible crack was heard, the sound of your ribs breaking under your skin.

Your small arms raised up the blades as you tried slashing at the heated and bruised skin. Anything would be better. Just something.

“Levi help me! Please! Save me!” You screamed as you stared at the man with terror. This wasn’t the look you always wore. You had the look of a confident soldier. A soldier who was ready to risk their life for the cause.

It’s happening. 

Why wasn’t he moving? 

His worst nightmare was happening right in front of his eyes. His dreams that were past memories, the most terrifying dream of them all, was becoming reality. And there was nothing he could do.

His feet moved on their own as he jumped off of the branch, his hooks piercing the gruesome beast. His blades were ready as he neared the creature.

Time seemed to be too slow. 

The sharp disgusting teeth of the Titan dug into your side, biting a chunk off. Your blades fell out of your hands and landed on the floor. Your nails dug into the skin as you cried for mercy, begging Levi to hurry up, begging him to do anything.

The weapons of his struck the nape, perfectly slicing it off with a scream. The titan’s eyes rolled back into its head before falling to its knees. The game of the monster loosen its grip on you, your frail and bleeding body falling out of its hand and landing on the floor like a rag doll.

Harsh pants of air slipped past his quivering lips as he watched the red from inside of your body, pour out. There was no chance in saving you. You were a goner. 

“Levi..why did you let me die..?” you meekly asked, looking forward up at the sky. 

His eyes widened when he looked down at you, falling to his knees. You didn’t say that, his mind was playing tricks on him. His dream was slowly making its way into his subconscious and making him think that it was real. 

“You let me die, Levi. Now you’re all alone,” you repeated, turning your head to face him. “Why Levi? I thought you loved me? I loved you...”

“I do love you,” he pleaded as he grabbed your fragile hand. “Why would you think otherwise?!”

“W-What?” You choked out, spitting up blood. Your eyes were getting heavier by the second, but you fought against the urge to close them. “I don’t think otherwise, Levi..I know you love me.”

He was losing himself. He began to panic as the warmth of the blood began to puddle underneath you and seep into the grass. His hair began to stick to his forehead from the rain. The droplets of water landed on your face as it began to rain harder. A smile overtook your face as you looked over at him. “Levi..”

“Thank you, Levi.”

“No no don’t say that!” he yelled suddenly as he hung his head, gripping onto your hand and bringing it closer to his face. The body heat you produced was slowly slipping away, the cliff called life, you held on for a few seconds longer, giving anything to get back on top of it. Instead, it was getting harder and harder to stay aboard. 

“You’re going to survive dammit! That’s an order, do you hear me?! Survive!”

“Do you remember how I dreamt about being a bird?” you asked softly, your vision getting blurry as every second passed. “I think..I could become one now..”

“No you won’t become a bird because you’re going to survive! Remember our tea shop? You told me you would open one with me.”

A weak laugh passed your lips as you stared up at the grey sky before averting your gaze to Levi’s terrified look. “Cheer up...yeah?”

“How am I supposed to cheer up when you’re dying?” he asked, his voice cracking as he rubbed his cheek against the back of your hand. “You’re leaving me like everyone else has..like my mom, Isabel, Farlan..and now you.”

“You’re a fool if you think I’ll ever leave you,” you coughed harshly, the blood splattering on his once white cravat. “Here, always.” you shaikly raised a finger and poked at his chest, where his heart would be. “We’ll all be watching you L-Levi..”

“Y/N..”

“I love you, Levi. Make sure to name a drink after me..”

A shaky breath escaped his lips when your pupils enlarged, and a dull look grew in your orbs. Your chest stopped moving up and down shaikly as he heard your last breath, and your last words being his name. You left with a smile. Your lips were curled in a heartbreaking smile, the last tears fell from your eyes as your eyelashes stayed damp from the rain. The blood never stopped, only seemed to come out faster. A lineage of blood trailed from the corner of your mouth, running down the side of your face. Your hair damp and soaked up with blood, the baby strands clinging onto your forehead. There was a scar by your eye, you must have accidentally caught yourself with your blades.

The lump in his throat began to get bigger as he sniffled letting his head fall backwards as he let out an ear shattering scream of agony. His hands gripped the brown straps of his uniform as his throat vibrated from the trauma it was currently going through. The blood your body has shed, was now on his hands. Figuratively and literally. The lineage felt slippery between his cold fingers. It felt foregin.

Kuchel Ackerman, his mother who had left him behind in this world to let him fend for himself. The first person who showed him love and kindness, said goodbye in the sweetest way that he would never forget.

Isabel Magnolia and Farlan Church, his first and only close friends at the time. The trio of criminals living their life carefree underground before the Scouts came and had no choice but to join the regime. Turning his back to them for a second, got them killed. If only he were there faster, they would have been here. 

Y/N Y/LN. His lover. The one that was there to support him through day and night. The one who reassured him that nothing would ever happen to the pair. The one he day dreamed about spending his days with. The one who went out of their way to do things for him, big or small. The one who loved him.

The one who called out his name. 

Was now joining the three most important people that were in his life. Those that swore to be there no matter what. 

His eyes fluttered open as he stared up at the sky. The rain had stopped as the clouds began to fade away. The harsh light of the sun peeked out from its restraints, the soft yellow lighting up the field. His tears began to dry up as the sun illuminated light, downwards to where he had been sitting and the dead body beside him. 

The noise of a bird tweeting caught his attention as he moved his head, staring to the side. Not far from where he was at, a blue bird was sitting on a branch. It ruffled its feathers as it made eye contact with him, tilting its head to the side before flapping its wings and flying away. 

“You damn brat..a fucking bird,” he whispered and stared down at your body. He shaikly reached over and pressed his palm against your eyes, silently shutting your eyes, leaving you at rest.

He let out a shaky sigh and stared down at his lap. His white pants had become a dark red. He felt sick to his stomach as a silent tear traced down his pale face.

“I let you die.. I’m sorry Y/N. I failed you,” he whispered and fell forward, on his hands and knees as he squeezed his eyes shut, opening his mouth for open sobs to release. He could no longer conceal the pain he felt inside. His head shook as the liquid of tears emerged from his eyes, the droplets falling and hitting the ground.

No matter how many times he could come to terms with your death, it would never subside the pain of not being enough, not being strong enough to save you.

Your words before leaving this earth rang in his head, playing like a song or the words of a preacher. The shaky tone outline with gentleness was more overwhelming than he could ever imagine. Your smile kept taunting his mind when he completely shut off the world with his eyes. 

How could you have been okay with leaving?

“Why did you leave me?” he questioned softly, his shoulders becoming heavy with grief and despair. “Why couldn’t you have called my name faster..? Why didn’t I hear it fast enough..?”

“Levi..you didn’t let me die..”

The words you last spoken would forever pierce his heart, in a horrible but bittersweet way. The short man that was full of determination and ambition, was beaten to the pulp by the monsters that took away his life, that took away his power. Levi Ackerman, would never be the same as he was when he first met you. Weakness and tears were not for display. 

The traumatized soldier cried for his lover, hours upon hours on end. His cries would be heard at night, for everyone to hear how vulnerable their heroic Captain was. 

I’m crying. Missing my lover, I don’t have the power on my side forever. Oh, where is my lover? And I have no power, I’m standing alone. No way, Calling Out Your Name. 

☽✧ ✦ ✧☾

taglist: @sleepysnk​ @jaegerbomb20​ @reddriot​ @kkiimmberly​ @kingtamakimurder​ @tamasoft​ @byougen​ @spike-this-ass​ @crimsonbows-and-arrows​ @thicmitten @eremiie @basket-flower-chick (message me to be added!)

[masterhandss]

HameFura Manga V6 Bonus SS (translated)

It says “Magical Girl Flag Breakers” and “Our Enemies: The Ruin Four”

Volume 6 Bonus SS - “Magical★Girl Flag Breakers”

Hello! So I snagged a raw copy of Manga Volume 6 on the internet because I was really excited for the bonus story ever since I got raws of Volume 5. For those who don’t know, typically a copy of the manga comes with an extra chapter with Katarina having a dream about different scenarios (V1 was Fortune Lover, V2 is a Highschool AU, V3 is a Fantasy RPG AU, V4 is a Genderbend AU and V5 is a Kindergarten AU), and alongside the chapter of the volume is a image preview of the next story in the next volume.

I couldn't wait to read this one-shot so with the power of google translate, I’ve decided to translate it myself! Please read this one, it’s a very fun one-shot, so much so that I want more of this story XDD (also because it took me half a day to translate this from pictures qwq)

Please do remember to read this one-shot once an official English Release of Manga Volume 6 comes out, and please forgive me for any mistake I made while translating this story to English.

--------

It was a sunny morning that day. I, Katarina Claes, an ordinary high school student, overslept that day and was late for school. While I was dashing to school with a fresh cucumber in my mouth from our fridge instead of my breakfast, was suddenly struck with something hard on the head. I was surprised! I rubbed my head and looked around, but I saw nothing.

I was about to start running again because I assumed that I just imagined, until I heard a voice. "Ouch, I'm sorry I bumped into you", the voice said as I looked up to follow it. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH~~~~" I screamed instinctively as I looked at what looks like a small little doll.

There was a small boy with wings. The boy covered his ears and frowned at my loud outcry. "Oh, I'm sorry" I apologized, also instinctively, but this is turning out to be a really weird situation. What even is this small little boy? It's a really well-made toy or something like that. "I'm not a toy", eh did I say that out loud?

I was surprised to hear a reply, so I asked "Are you a dwarf then?"

"No, I'm a spirit" he said with a matter-of-fact tone. 'Oh, so he's a spirit~' is what I would have said........ 

"Wait, what do you mean a spirit?" I wasn't convinced at all. What do you mean it's a spirit? The little spirit boy begins to explain to me, who was still surprised and flustered, while pointing with his tiny finger.

Well, it turned out to be quite the serious discussion. While a story about an evil organization, the most worrisome part to me was, "So, if the 'planet' dies, what will happen?" I could predict what his answer would be, but it still scared me to hear what the answer was. "If the planet dies, all living creatures here will die" The little spirit replied with an expected answer. When he said that all living creatures will die, does that mean everyone?!

"We will fight and defeat the evil organization with the power we receive from the planet," the spirit declared so bravely. He may look cute like a doll, but he was very cool. I instinctively made a guts pose, "In behalf of everyone, I thank you. Good luck on your fight". "Thank you, but the one who will be fighting is not me--. The spirit boy was interrupted by a loud explosion nearby, where I heard a loud scream saying "Ah! It's a monster!".

When I ran over there to check it out, for some reason, there was something big rampaging in a park just further away. Wait, what? There was a giant bear that appeared out of nowhere?! Around these parts, there could be monkeys showing up, but not bears.

Next to me, the spirit boy was visibly upset. "Oh no, They've already started to appear. I haven't even formed a contract with anyone yet" the spirit boy whispered. What does he mean by a contract? No, its not the time for such questions when something serious is happening in front of us.

"Um, Spirit boy, lets run away, the situation over there looks dangerous". I called out to him, but the spirit boy didn't answer with his eyes growing bigger. "And you, can you help me with my work?" He said as if there wasn't anything happening in front of us. What does he mean help with his work? What is he saying in such a dangerous time like this.

"The Evil Organization".

"?!"

"What happening right now, it's involving the things I've told you about. I need your help, please". "Wait, even if you say it so suddenly like this...." I'm already really late for school, and at this point getting in would be really difficult. I'm in deep trouble. "Please, I can only ask you." I was being stared with such a desperate face and moist eyes, making it really hard to refuse. Aside from that, the noise in the park is getting louder, and I feel like it's really dangerous to stay here.

For now, its best to run away for the time being and listen to him when we get to somewhere safer. I thought and said, "I understand. I'll help you, so lets run away from here first." My words did not even finish until the end. Before I finished, the spirit boy grinned and said, "Okay, then lets form the contract."

The moment I saw his grinning smile, I knew something was weird, but before I could say anything, the spirit boy pulled something that looked like a stick with a flag and asked, "What is your name?" "Katarina Claes". For some reason, my mouth started to move on my own and said my name. Eh, what's going on?

"Then, Katarina Claes, I will appoint you as a magical girl who will help protect this planet". When I shook the flag that the spirit boy had, my body was wrapped in light, and my school uniform changed into a cute and frilly costume. 

"What's this?!" "It's a magical girl costume. Now you have the power to do more than what a hundred normal persons can do".

"Wearing this frilly outfit can make me do that?!" "Yes, that costume has that kind of power. With this, you can defeat the enemy as a magical girl". "Wait, what's a magical girl? and by enemy you mean--" "Ah, it's already here"

As soon as the spirit boy interrupted my words with his own, a giant pink bear doll came out from the entrance of the park.

"What's that?" "That's our enemy. Now, let's defeat it with the power of a magical girl." "Even if you tell me to defeat it--?!"

What should I do? The bear started to launch itself towards us while I was trying to figure out what to do. While it is a stuffed toy bear, it was very big so it's power was quite impressive.

It’ll be bad if I get hit, so I jumped really high unexpectedly in order to avoid it. Wow, the bear looked really surprised by my movements, which are a hundred times faster and stronger than a normal person, and it made the bear look like fool as he gave his all into that attack. What a terrifying bear. That bear tried to attack with a punch again. The bear is very quick for its size. Thanks to this outfit, I can easily avoid his punches, but this can’t keep going on like this.

“Hey spirit, how I can I defeat this bear?”. While trying to avoid the bear’s attacks, I asked the spirit who was watching me jump above. “Oh, that’s right. Point the bracelet at the bear and say ‘Flag Break’. If you do that, you can defeat it”. He seems to have forgotten to tell me this earlier.

I wondered if that was enough, but I did as I was told, pointing my bracelet at the bear and shouted “Flag Break”, and a ray of light appeared from the bracelet. When the light hits and wraps the bear in its entirety, it disappeared after the light.

I coughed while staring at the spot where the bear disappeared, and the spirit who was now next to me said, “Thank you, Katarina. Thank you for your continued support. My name is Raphael”, he said as I held his outreached hand. 

This how I, Katarina Claes, became a magical girl who fights against evil organizations.

And, through this event, I learned that I should not accept unclear requests so easily. I became a magical girl by being convinced in a shocked state by Raphael, and in the months since I became a magical girl, my number of friends seemed to have increased. After several months, I realized that there are more magical girls in my school, such as Maria who was part of the student council and the school’s cooking club, Mary from the gardening club, and Sophia from the literature club. Strangely, all of them are smart and beautiful students. Not only that, they were all scouted by a female spirit named Anne as magical girls. I was only scouted in the heat of the moment, but everyone else are so good at their job, and eventually we all began to get along as friends. Until then, I usually go to school late because I always get lost, but now we all go to school together every day.

“Yes, I tried to turn the flowers in the gardening club as a bookmark, Katarina. If you’d like, please use it”. “Wow. it’s so cute, thank you. Mary has good taste” “Katarina, I’ve brought a book I want to recommend” “You did? I’m looking forward to it. Thank you, Sophia” “Katarina, I brought some sweets I made in the cooking club, please eat some if you’d like” “Oh! Thank you Maria. I love your sweets so much because they are just so delicious”

Just like that, we continue to have fun chatting to each other, when suddenly there was a figure ahead of us. “Hello, Katarina and co.”

A beautiful young man with blonde hair and blue eyes appeared before me. “Wow, you’re here again Geordo” I frowned, but Geordo returned it with a smile. “Today, I will defeat you and make you mine”, that’s when he suddenly changed into a black cloak with a mask; the uniform of the evil organization.

Yes, this handsome young man is named Geordo, he might look like a prince, but he is actually one of the Four Kings of Ruin, part of the enemy organization that we, magical girls, need to defeat. I met Geordo after I had become a magical girl, during my third battle. It was Geordo who summoned enemies like the giant stuffed toy bear and released it onto the city. Since then, I had fought him multiple times as enemies, where he continuously says things like “You’ve piqued my interest. Would you become mine?” whenever he approaches me. Is this a new form of attack? When I reply to him with an attack, he would reply with “One day, I will beat you and make you mine”. 

I don’t know if this is a new kind of attack, but Geordo would typically show up every three days, and now that its the third day, it probably means I need to transform into a magical girl again.

“I hate you” “Yeah, please stop disturbing our good time” “Please pack it up”

Mary, Sophia and Maria all said, as they transformed into magical girls too. “You girls are interrupting the moment between me and Katarina. You girls are in my way” Geordo said, as he raised his hand to the sky. Then, a black circle appeared, with people falling out from it.

“Ouch! Geordo, do you know how many time you’ve been calling out to us recently? I was gonna take a nap”, that was Geordo’s twin brother who scratched his head, the snobby Alan who is also part of the Four Kings. “That’s right, I was on a date with a girl” said Keith, the playboy from the Four Kings of Ruin, who frowned and brushed his bangs. The last one was expressionless, but was looking at the pasta who had fallen onto the ground with a sad face. He is Nicol, the final member of the four who has a magical and mysterious charm to him.

“Everyone, don’t be so lazy. Let’s work together and defeat the magical girls once and for all” Geordo said to them, and they all turned to me in a daze. There’s something he didn’t know about his allies when he called them out.

“Yo, it’s been a long time, Katarina. You’re still playing magical girl?” Alan said. Perhaps he was embarrassed that he had just declared that he would take a nap, because his face was flushed red. I met him during one of my battles.

“Katarina Claes, you’re always so free. It’s so lonely to think that you don’t have anyone to date yet,” Keith said. Perhaps he was shy or was embarrassed by the girl he was just on a date with, because his face was also quite red. I also met him during one of my battles so I’m acquainted with him.

Maybe he was called from a place where he was eating his pasta, and now it had fallen to the ground and splattered, because Nicol had a very sad expression. ”................” “Would you like some of these sweets so compensate for your food?” I offered to him. He gave me such a happy and devilish smile, saying “thank you” as he reached out for one of the sweets. I staggered a bit at the sight. I also met Nicol during one of my battles.

“What are you guys talking about so happily with my Katarina? I called you guys here to deal with the other three magical girls who are trying to get in between us” Geordo said. “What are you taking about? You’re the ones who are in the way of our good time,” Mary lifted her eyebrows and snapped at Geordo, who simply replied to her accusation with a dark smile. “That’s my line. You high school girls who just talk about crap without any meaning”.

“That’s rude, it’s not meaningless” Sophia said angrily. Well this is the kind of thing that Geordo definitely won’t understand. He doesn’t seem to have a prejudice against high school girls... wait a minute, shouldn’t we be fighting? Geordo, Mary and Sophia are quarrelling, Alan and Keith are summoned but have flushed cheeks and are looking away, Maria is sharing handmade sweets to Nicol who lost his pasta.

Recently, every time we confront the Four Kings of Ruin, we more frequently fight like this, without throwing any hands. I even started to wonder if I was still a magical girl, so I tried to look around for our two spirits, before I was interrupted by Maria who offered sweets to me. It was so good that I lost all my will for battle.

“Lady Katarina, Lady Katarina, please get up. It’s time for you to go to school”

What happened to the battle? “Battle? Katarina, you’re sleeping. We need to get you ready for school”, Anne said, bringing out my clothes. “Oh I had  a very strange dream. I was transformed into a magical girl. Not only that, the enemies were Geordo and the others. What a strange dream”.

“What’s a magical girl?” Anne gave me a suspicious look while the adjusting my clock. “Ah, um, a magical girl fights against an evil organization--”

“Katarina, I’m grateful for your explanations but we don’t time for that right now, so I’ll ask about it later after we finish your preparations”. Ann told me, and when I looked at the clock, I knew that it was almost time for class and that I was about to be late. I hurriedly cooperated with Anne and started preparing myself for school. My usual day begins as from that point.

--------

That’s it! It’s a very cute one-shot, and I hope after I post this, maybe it inspires people to write stories based on this au qwq. Volume 7′s oneshot is “Detective?! Katarina’s Office” (Tantei?! Katarina Jimusho) so if thats interesting then i’ll translate that too.

Some unnecessary notes from me if you’re interested in reading:

Since Katarina is the hero and Miri is the leader of the evil organization, I guess if this really was a story then the plot twist is that Katarina is her daughter. I can imagine maybe this story takes place in her old world with her old family (mom, dad, grandma, two brothers) but the difference here is that Katarina is adopted or something like that.

It’s interesting that Raphael is Katarina’s fairy partner instead of Ann. It works since both Kat and Raph use Dark Magic in canon lol haha also because it shows how competent Ann is haha

It’s also cool to see the playboy version of Keith liking Katarina.

Sophia and Nicol don’t seem to be related at all in this version of the story, which I’m cool with. They could also have a Hawkmoth-Chat Noir situation where they aren’t aware of each other’s secret identities (though I doubt it myself since they all transformed in front of the boys, but hey i’m just throwing it out there).

Omg rip Nicol’s pasta. Press f to pay respects

[duhragonball]

Battle Tendency Liveblog: JJBA Ch. 105-108

“Master Kars has taken a fighting stance!   I... I wasn’t expecting tongue...”

Hey, remember Wammu?   Well, he’s dead now, so the only Pillar Man left to worry about is the leader, Kars.  His army of vampire slaves don’t like this, so they try to bumrush our heroes, but Lisa kills a few of them, then threatens to destroy the Red Stone of Aja unless Kars honors their agreement. 

And Kars is cool with that.   He only took off his headdress and exposed his antennae to prepare for the next one-on-one fight.   He then kills his unruly henchmen to prove that they don’t speak for him.  Moreover, Kars is now willing to fight Lisa Lisa.   Earlier, he said that he didn’t like fighting women, but now that he’s seen her in action, he’s on board with the idea.

But he doesn’t want to fight in Skeleton Heel Stone, where Joseph and Wammu squared off.   Instead, he chooses the Piza Berlina Temple, right next door to the S.H.S.  Apparently, after a hard day of chariot racing, the winners used to come here to worship their gods and drink the blood of the losers. 

It’s weird to me that Kars and Wammu should be so familiar with this place, and carry such an abiding respect for it.   I mean, they’ve viewed ordinary 20th Century humans with utter contempt, dismissing them as backwards primitives.   Santana disassembled a German rifle like it was easy, and he’s supposed to be the big dummy in the Pillar Men.   That’s how little they think of 1938 technology and civilization.   The Hamon users in this story only get a bit of respect because they‘ve become worthy adversaries. 

And yet, the Pillar Men seem to be a lot more respectful towards ancient humanity.   Esidisi knew the writings of Sun Tzu, if not the man himself.   You’d think he’d just ignore or devour Sun Tzu sooner than look at him.   And you’d think Wammu would have wanted to fight in the traditions of his own culture, but instead he’s all into this ancient human racetrack.    It can’t be because it’s old.   Compared to Wammu, it’s positively brand new.  

On the other hand, these guys are the last of their kind, as we’ll learn in a few chapters.   Human culture is the only kind the Pillar Men have gotten to see, and it’s been that way for about a hundred centuries now.   If Esidisi wants to read a book, he’s pretty much going to have to tolerate human authors, because that’s all that’s left.   And if Wammu wants to admire a sporting arena, he’s stuck with places like these, built by those pesky “primitives”.  

Joseph asks Lisa to let him fight Kars instead, since he’s still worried about her being a woman.   Also, he believes Kars is weaker than Wammu, so he should be able to defeat him.   But Lisa insists on handling this, and she strips down to this circus outfit.    That sounds like I’m making fun of it, but I’m not.   It looks pretty badass, but also period-appropriate. 

The fight is very short.  Kars pulls some sort of disappearing act, then emerges from one of the stone surfaces of the temple, trying to slash at Lisa from behind with his blades.    But Lisa has it scouted, and she wraps her silk scarf around Kars’ arm, charges it with Hamon, and kills him, wham, bam, thank you ma’am.  

And then the real Kars emerges from the same stone, and stabs Lisa in the back.   Somehow, Kars disguised one of his vampire minions to look just like him, right down to the blades in his arms, and sent that flunky out as a distraction.    It’s a cheap trick, and a complete 180 from the honor displayed by Wammu in the previous fight.  Kars doesn’t care.   He doesn’t care about dishonoring Wammu’s memory, nor does he care about breaking his word.   The only thing Kars cares about is getting the Red Stone of Aja, and now he has it. 

Unfortunately, this takes Lisa Lisa out of action for the rest of the story.  Kars hasn’t killed her, but she’s too badly hurt to do anything from here.   That kind of sucks, because Lisa’s such a cool character.   A friend of mine once complained that Lisa got a raw deal in Part 2, and we should have gotten to see her get a big fight, on par with Joseph vs. Esidisi, or Caesar vs. Wammu.   I can’t really disagree with the sentiment. 

However, I have a hard time figuring out how such a fight could have been worked into the story.   She couldn’t beat Kars, for Pete’s sake.   He’s the final boss of Part 2, so it sort of falls to Joseph to do the honors.  And she couldn’t beat Wammu or Esidisi, because Joseph was the one who needed the antidote to their poison rings.  Lisa could have lost to either of them--the way Caesar lost to Wammu-- except she’d have to die, which would spoil the big reveal of her origin story.

So maybe there needed to be an extra Pillar Man in the cast?   Not Santana, because he’s too weak, but maybe Kars’ group has a fourth guy named Talqingedz or whatever.  So Lisa Lisa could mop the floor with that dude... and then what?    Would it really carry any dramatic weight for her to defeat a guy like that?  A Pillar Man so ancillary to the story that the plot would flow just as well without him?    When you get down to it, Lisa Lisa’s dream opponent for Part 2 just ends up looking like Wired Beck, a random jobber presented solely to establish her credibility as a fighter.   And we already got Lisa vs. Wired Beck, and clearly that wasn’t satisfying enough.   So Lisa Lisa vs. a Pillar Man probably wouldn’t have been much of an improvement.  

Nonetheless, I think it’s a valid criticism of Battle Tendency.  You come out of this story wishing we could have seen more of Lisa Lisa in action, and we just aren’t going to get it.   But the root of the problem isn’t that she didn’t get to fight more, it’s that she was presented as a fighter when that really wasn’t her role in the story.   She’s a teacher, training Joseph and Caesar in the ways of the Ripple, but more importantly, she’s an enigma.  Who is she?   What’s her connection to the Joestars?  To Straizo?   To Caesar?   Where did she get the Red Stone of Aja?   And so on.  

Her Ripple mastery makes her one of the strongest fighters on the board, but that’s just another piece of the puzzle.   I think there was a profile of Lisa Lisa in the manga that said her Ripple was three times stronger than Joseph’s.   But we never get to see it demonstrated, because that’s not the point.  We’re just supposed to wonder who this lady is and how she got so powerful, and where has she been this whole time.    I think this is also why everyone keeps writing her off as a woman.   It’s not just chauvanism, it’s intended to keep the reader off-balance.  One minute Joseph and the Pillar Men are respecting her power, and the next minute they’re dismissing her.    It keeps you guessing. 

I suspect this is one reason why Araki dealt Lisa Lisa such an inglorious defeat here.   Could Lisa have defeated Kars in a fair fight?   Yeah, I think she could.   But if she cleaned his clock, it would defeat the mystique of the character.   The same is true if Lisa lost to Kars in a fair fight.  We’d say “Oh, okay, she wasn’t quite as strong as Joseph, so that’s that.” 

Now, the other major reason for Kars to defeat Lisa Lisa like this is to demonstrate Kars’ main character trait.   He only cares about achieving his objective.   Wammu had his warrior code, and Esidisi had his devotion to his comrades, but Kars has only himself and his goals.   He had Lisa and Joseph cornered in the abandoned hotel, but they didn’t have the Aja Stone on them.   Lisa made that bluff about a bomb, and then proposed this contest to settle things.   Kars agreed, but not because he had any intention of honoring the agreement.  He just let things play out because he knew Joseph would bring the Stone to the battlefield, and even if Wammu lost, he would still have all of these vampires to back him up.  

That’s how Kars was able to defeat Lisa.   He used Wammu’s own honor to lull Lisa into a false sense of security.   After seeing how noble Wammu was in defeat, and how gracious Kars was in disciplining his vampires, she began to believe that Kars would fight her fairly.     That was Kars’ plan all along.   Once he had her isolated on the temple, with the Red Stone of Aja on her person, he made his play.    It’s dirty pool, but it worked, and that’s all Kars cares about. 

This makes Joseph super-duper pissed, but what’s he gonna do about it?   He’s way down there on the ground, surrounded by vampires, and his Ripple is weak from the fight with Wammu.    So now Kars can just watch from a safe vantage while his henchmen tie up the last loose end.  

But then, the Nazis show up, led by Stroheim, complete with a repaired cyborg body.  And Speedwagon and Smokey are here too, along with a fighting contingent of the Speedwagon Foundation.   And they came prepared too!  Everybody’s armed with UV emitters.   To be sure, ultraviolet lamps haven’t worked so well against the Pillar Men, but against ordinary vampires, they seem to do the job quite nicely.   

So while they clean house, Joseph climbs up to where Kars and Lisa are, and he’s ready to throw down.   Joseph has plenty of harsh words for Kars’ dirty tactics, but Kars doesn’t care.   This has all been a chess game to him.   The Ripple Clan, the vampires, even Wammu and Esidisi, they were all just pieces on a board, maneuvered and arranged until he could secure a path to victory with minimal risk.  

See, that’s the other thing about Lisa Lisa.   It’s very subtly expressed here, but Kars was clearly very worried about her.   He knew Joseph was a threat because he killed Esidisi, but he knew he could use Wammu to wear Joseph down.   But Lisa Lisa is even more powerful and experienced than Joseph, and she’s shrewd enough to destroy the Stone if cornered.    He knew he couldn’t beat her at her own game, so he let her think she was playing her own game in order to set her up for that sneak attack.   If Kars hadn’t done that, he’d be dead by now, or the Stone would be lost or destroyed.  

Likewise, I’m not sure Kars is confident about a fair fight with Joseph, even though he’s tired from fighting Wammu.  I mean, you’d think he’d just charge Joseph and cut his head off if he could, but instead he lures him into another trap.    Before Joseph got up here, Kars tied Lisa’s feet to a rope.    He made sure not to kill her, but only so he could use her as a hostage.   Kars tosses Lisa down, and Joseph has to grab the rope to keep her from falling to her death.

And the whole point of that was to keep Joseph standing still.   He can’t let go of the rope, so he’s in no position to defend himself.   Now Kars can just walk right up to him and kill him at his leisure.   As far as Kars is concerned, this is what fighting is all about.   Not a test of strength and skill like Wammu’s ideal, but the achievement of victory at minimal risk.  

And this is where we see Joseph exceed Lisa Lisa.  They both got suckered into Kars’ traps, but Lisa doesn’t have Joseph’s penchant for trickery and quick thinking.    She’s got more Ripple power, sure, but that doesn’t matter against a guy like Kars.   I’m starting to get the impression that Kars is a lot weaker than Wammu, since he fights so conservatively in this story.   He may not be able to afford to fight Joseph in any other way.   

So how in the hell can Joseph get out of this one?   Well, first he tries to kick Kars to keep him away.   Kars just cuts his leg, along with a section of rope that was in the way.   Joseph’s Ripple is so weak that the kick did nothing. 

Then Joseph sets his own scarf on fire and talks about how he has a plan, and it’s so awesome that he can make this work before the flames reach his body.    Kars thinks this is just desperate posturing, and all Joseph seems to do is swing away.    Kars thinks he’s trying to get some distance so he can recover his Hamon energy.

Then Kars cuts the rope, since Joseph won’t stand still and get murdered.   

And it backfires, because Joseph did more tricky rope tricks!   Hermit Purple, bitch!

Basically, that very first bit, where Joseph tried to kick him, even then, Joseph had a plan.    He got Kars to cut a section of rope, which he then used to tie his own leg to the rope holding Lisa Lisa.   Then he goaded Kars into cutting the rope so Lisa would fall, not realizing that Joseph had her secured with his other rope.   Also, that other rope got caught on Kars’ own foot.   It’s complicated. 

Oh, wait, I forgot to talk about chess.   Okay, so earlier, Kars was gloating about using Lisa as a pawn to achieve checkmate.   It’s a good analogy, but I’m pretty sure chess was invented within the last 2000 years.   In other words, Kars literally slept through the entire history of the game.   So for him to be talking about it now, I have to assume he learned about chess during that month while Joseph was training.   That kind of sucks.   Esidisi and Wammu were running around trying to find the Red Stone of Aja, and Kars was probably chilling out in Switzerland playing chess and drinking hot cocoa all night.   Wotta heel.

Then Joseph pulls himself back up with his scarf and uses Overdrive against Kars’ blade.  Joseph’s Ripple is so strong that he just powers right through, destroying the blade on Kars’ arm like it’s no big deal.  That’s interesting, because when Joseph first saw Kars’ blades, he worried that he wouldn’t be able to block them, and now it’s Kars who wasn’t strong enough to block. 

Maybe “Light Mode” was more of an illusion than a genuine power?  I mean, the blades are super-sharp, but I never understood what difference it made for them to be all sparkly, unless it’s a psychological trick to demoralize the enemy.   It definitely worked on Stroheim, and it worked on Joseph for a while, but I don’t think Joseph’s gotten that much stronger since their last encounter.   

Anyway, the Ripple worked, and Kars’ entire arm explodes.   Yeah!  Then he falls off the temple, and Joseph loosens the rope to help him on his way down.    Cool!  Then Kars lands on a bunch of spiky rocks, the same gruesome fate he intended for Lisa Lisa.   Yeah, how’s that taste, Kars?   You loincloth-wearin’ piece of crap?  

So... yeah, we won!  Great job everyone!  Except for the Nazis, they can all go fuck off and die in a fire.   Smokey’s feeling a lot better about everything, so he asks Speedwagon about Lisa Lisa.   See, earlier, Lisa revealed to Joseph that she was the baby that Erina rescued at the end of Phantom Blood.   But Erina told Smokey about the same baby back in New York, and Smokey knows that Lisa Lisa is Joseph’s mother.  

Except, Erina told Joseph that his mother died of a disease when he was a baby, so how can Lisa be alive and a Ripple Master?   Speedwagon agrees to explain, since Smokey took care of Erina while he was away, but he insists that Smokey not reveal any of this to Joseph, because it’s Joestar family business.  

I hadn’t really considered it until now, but this is the first time we’ve seen Smokey and Speedwagon interact so far.   They’ve gotten to know each other off-panel, and they seem to have a bond over their shared respect for the Joestars, so it lulled me into thinking they’ve appeared together before this.    Anyway...

The origin of Lisa Lisa isn’t all that complicated, actually.   She was raised by Straizo and became a Ripple warrior, while Jonathan and Erina’s son, George Joestar II, joined the British Air Force in World War I.   George and Lisa fell in love, married, and had a baby, Joseph.  

The catch is that there was one last zombie from Phantom Blood.   Speedwagon and Straizo thought they got all of Dio’s zombies, but one of them was very clever and managed to stay hidden.    He just made sure to eat his victims’ entire body, so as not to leave any physical evidence.   Also, he faked a disability to excuse himself from any daylight activities.    By the 1910′s, he had successfully infiltrated the RAF as a Major.  

So George learned of this, because he knew all the Phantom Blood lore from his wife and mother.    But George never had any Ripple abilities himself.   He may have had the potential for it, but he was never trained, and I guess he didn’t develop it naturally, the way Joseph did.  

So he tried to gather evidence to expose the zombie Major, but his plan backfired and the zombie killed him instead, then covered up George’s death by reporting it as a plane crash.    Speedwagon and Straizo investigated this, but before they could act...

Lisa got wind of it and took matters into her own hands.  She killed the zombie major, but she did it in front of another officer.   The authorities knew nothing of zombies or Stone Masks, so they just thought she murdered an RAF officer in cold blood.    So she had to leave Britian as a fugitive, and she’s been living in exile in Italy ever since.    The Speedwagon Foundation has been trying to clear her name, but I doubt there’s whole lot they could do about a case like this.

And there you have it.   Erina was so heartbroken over the death of her son and the exile of her daughter-in-law that she asked Speedwagon to never tell Joseph what really happened to his parents, and to keep the Ripple a secret from him.   Of course, none of that really worked, because Joseph developed the Ripple on his own, and Straizo and Stroheim forced Joseph to develop those abilities even further, leading him directly to his long lost mother.   Erina wanted to protect Joseph, but she couldn’t save him from his own fate.    Smokey starts crying, and I’m like “same tbh.”  

This ties back to a point I made early on.   When I watched the anime, it seemed kind of random to introduce Smokey, then drop him for most of the story, then bring him back at the end.   But now, it makes a lot more sense.   He was a viewpoint character, but only so far as the stuff about the Joestar Family.   All the fighting and Ripple stuff could be done without Smokey, since Joseph could function as his own viewpoint character for that part.   And while it’s kind of weird for Smokey to be absent for so long, it helps that he seemed to feel the same way.    He clearly went out of his way to join Speedwagon on this mission to Switzerland.  He simply cares about the Joestar Family that much.    He couldn’t sit in New York and wait for an update.

Anyway, Lisa’s going to be okay, and the vampires are all dead, and Kars is slowly dying from the Ripple wound Joseph gave him, so it looks like we’re all finished here.   Stroheim decides to put Kars out of his misery by shooting him with high-intensity UV rays.   Maybe that’s overkill at this point, but we might as well let Stroheim have his fun.

Oh SHI--

So yeah, Kars had the Red Stone of Aja this whole time, but he only just now decided to use it.   That’s because the Stone will only amplify the power of his special Stone Mask if there’s a powerful light source.    This whole fight has been happening at night, so Kars had to wait until morning to try this little stunt.  But Stroheim has helpfully supplied a bunch of UV lamps, and those work just peachy, thanks.   Fuck Stroheim forever.

And just like Dio and Straizo before, the Stone Mask digs bony protrusions into Kars’ brain, but this time the mask has the Super Aja powering it, so Kars stands to gain even more power, turning him into... what exactly?  

[cosmiclatte28]

Dream a Dream (Renjun x you)

a/n: Hello! It’s been a while, but happy new year! Sorry for not updating any stories, as I mentioned in previous post I have several stories stuck because of home works and a busy week. 

So, here marks my first oneshot of Renjun and first oneshot after the Christmas project! Without further delay, here we go!

Warning : angst but of course it ends beautifully   you can also see I am simping Renjun now :D 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 

For the second time, you sigh and look into your brother’s eyes trying to find help. The dining room suddenly feels so suffocating and you try to cower yourself to feel smaller in this room. Across you is your brother, Jeno, and on his right is your father beside you sit your mother.

“I have told you, you are not going to Japan, not to study there.” Your mother continues her rambling. It is dinner, but she doesn’t seem to care. The atmosphere is ruined, for you, to enjoy the heartful dinner.

You want to backlash at her words, saying that no matter what she says, you will find a way to get that scholarship offer and fly to the Rising Sun country to pursue a degree. However, you know better to be quiet now if you still want to try and coax her tomorrow.

Earlier you were saying that your application to your dream university in Japan is accepted, Jeno was delighted when he heard this but your happiness come to an end right the second your mother went into your room and snatch the acceptance letter. Her eyes widened and the next thing you know, she stormed out of the room with a hard look on her face.

When your father arrives home, everyone is seated in their chairs and mother decided to talk about the acceptance letter and how you are not allowed to go.

“I’ve told you (y/n), you are my only daughter and I do not want to lose my only daughter.” She at first calmly says this. Then she continues “Didn’t I tell you already that you’re beautiful, pretty, charming, and those traits are enough to ensure you a rich husband that will fulfil your life perfectly.”

Your father doesn’t seem to object nor care, well you believe he is already tired listening the same thing going on for the last three years. Since your freshman year in high school, you’ve been telling your family of your dream to study in Japan, but since day one, your mother objected. Her reason was not because you’re dumb or your family cannot fund the tuition, it’s merely because she believes a daughter shouldn’t live a hard life. Studying and working hard are the responsibilities of the men she said, and women like you just have to find the rich husband, dress nice beside them and be their good companion.

“Mom, I know, but the world has changed. I want to pursue my dream like Jeno hyung.” You politely speak up.

Her grip on the spoon stiffens and she looks into you sternly, “Jeno should earn his degree so he can work successfully and provide good wealth for his family. You darling, I am offering you an easier path and I know just the perfect place to find you the dearest, rich husbands. Now enough of this talk, finish dinner and help me clean up the dishes.”

Jeno kicks your leg under the table to at least send you a signal that he is going to stand on your side. His face shows he is sorry for you, but he knows now is not the right time yet to speak up.

Dinner ended and you help your mom to wash the dishes. Well you do have maids, but they do not stay the night at home. The maids are only here from morning to noon, dinner must be taken care by your mom and you.

“(Y/n), for the sake of god. Stop acting foolish. I’ve seen you sneaking around to extra science classes at school, instead of going to the socialite gathering I signed you up for.” She said in disappointment.  

You sigh, well in your private school for elites there is a silly community where the rich gathers and make bonds, attend weekend parties or social events, and if you’re lucky win one of their hearts and got asked a hand for marriage.

“It’s just a science club, they’re fun and I only go there once a week.” You lie, you go there every Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and just pop into the community once in a month.

Your mother chuckles, “You think I am stupid? I know you do not attend the socialite gathering, you always go home to finish a lab report. I mean you being in your room, without any loud voice of the TV nor any sound of you calling anyone means you either read or do something. You don’t read because your books are in the library.”

You curse in your heart, she really is as smart as Sherlock, why can’t she allow you to use your similarly brilliant brain to study rather than prepare to be a good wife.

“I am texting the school’s principal to ban you from that science club, you must attend the community’s events. Also, stop seeing that man from your science club, Huang? Huang Renjun is it? He isn’t as noble as the others, instead I suggest you learn more about that son of NA CORPS, Jaemin.” she wipes her wet hands on the towel and leaves you speechless.

You stand in front of the sink, perplexed that your mother knows everything about your secret. More surprisingly she knows Renjun, now who is spilling the secret here?

You go up to your room and sit on your bed. Your eyes drift to the duffel bag you’ve prepared this week. Your phone rings and you pick it up with a big grin.

“Renjun-a!” you greet him as you fling yourself to the big soft mattress in your lavender room.

There is a soft giggle from the other end, “Hey there princess,” he greets. You blush at the nickname, Renjun has been your best friend since the first day of school. You share a table with him and he shares the same timetable as yours. He is a fun guy with angelic features, blonde hair, and beautiful voice. Both of you love nature and has been in the science club and scout team for three years. This Friday there is a scout camp going on until Sunday and Renjun had helped you sign up for it, since your mother would maybe die if she knows her daughter is not only a science club member but also a scout girl.

“So, are you packed up for Friday?” he asks just in case you need help from him to get supplies.

You shake your head, “No need. Mom actually thought I am going to stay over at Victoria’s house. Well she promised she won’t spill any tea and lie for me as I promise her Jeno’s number.”

Renjun giggles, he knows you will find a way and he has no doubt that 97% of them always work.

“Great then, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow. Good night luv, take care!” Renjun sends a flying kiss through the phone and you blush at this. He is not your boyfriend, but look at how comfortable he is to flirt around with you.

“Bye bye Injunie,” you squeak and close your phone right in time when the door opens and a wild Jeno appears.

“You’re staying in Victoria’s house?” he asks, apparently your mother told him not to pick you up tomorrow because you’re staying over.

You pull him into your side and glance on the door. “Shh, I lied. Keep it a secret, I’ll be in the mountain tomorrow. So, if there is no signal or bad reception.. please cover up for me.”

Jeno shakes his head, “Cover up? I need to lie again?”

You plead him with your puppy eyes he always lose to, “I’ll accompany you to the cat café next month for the whole week.”

He smiles “Nice, don’t worry I’ll pretend I know what you’re doing.”

You grin “Oh please work on the lie with Victoria, so if mom cross checks you two won’t be caught lying. I have put her name under your contact list.”

Jeno looks surprised, but just shakes his head. “Come here,” He pulls you into his arms and hugs you.

You breathe in and relax your shoulder, “I am sorry for what mom always do to you. I’ll try to talk with her when you’re away. Just take good care of yourself and have fun okay!” he ruffles your hair and kisses your forehead.

“Thank you hyung,” you whisper and detach yourself from him.

The next day, you’re very excited to finally leave behind your problems with mom and just enjoy your freedom in the camping grounds. It’s just near the mountain and the track is not hard. You and Renjun are a part of the officer team, considering the fact that both of you are senior here.

“Need help pitching that tent?” Renjun pops up behind you and you shake your head, “Nah, I’m good, almost done. Why don’t you help the juniors?” you point your chin at a group of struggling kids, well it is not surprising some of them are never raised this way but they have to choose one activity outside subject and the scout activity is always the one with least student. So, those who are late in registering will end up here.

You finish setting up your tent, help the others too and go with the activities. There’s nothing much to do, you just have to prepare dinner with Renjun while the other instructors will lead the troop to explore the areas and learn basic nature things.

You admit Renjun cooks better than you, although his cooking skills are just to the point where it is edible, yours are worse.

“How is this?” Renjun brings a spoonful of the red kimchi stew he is making, and you take a taste test.

Your eyes lighten up, “Hm this is way better than what you always make for me.” He sends you a death glare, but you’re used to it. “Hey at least I am saying something good.” You bump his shoulder and his smile relights.

“Look at the cute couple here, what are you two making this time?” A familiar mischievous voice makes the two of you turn your heads to sigh at the man coming to the cooking area.

“Haechan,” you sigh, “We’re not a couple and what are you doing here? What’s your duty?” you ask as you continue helping Renjun cuts up tofu and onions. Haechan is the most annoying yet dearest friend of yours.

“I am the guarding team, my job is basically in the night with Mark. Don’t worry, I won’t bother you two if you’re going to spend a time alone in the woods.” He winks and you throw him a spoon, that missed but he’s happily running away. Renjun stays quiet somehow after Haechan’s appearance but you don’t really take matter of it. He’s always quiet when he’s focused.

Dinner went amazingly well, all of the tired students enjoy Renjun’s kimchi stew and you’re glad you don’t have to wash the dishes, the students played a game and losing team has to clean up.

The night activity too was like the usual one, where we sit around the bon fire and tell stories. It is dark and now you’re alone with Renjun left by your side. He grabs a guitar someone brought and after taking glance around, Renjun picks the strings and start playing a piece of melody. You lean into his shoulder, something you’ve always done to him and watch as the starry night move above you.

“That is beautiful but why are you playing such a sad song?” you ask Renjun after the pretty angel plucks his last string. You cannot lie listening to a sad song in the night alone with Renjun hurts so much. You suddenly remember the small quarrel with your mom and you feel like you have to tell him this.

“Injun-a, do you know that there’s a lot of thing I want to share with you but sometimes I can’t find the right time to say it.” You avert your gaze away from his soft eyes.

“First and foremost, I am sorry that…” your voice trails off but Renjun stays there to listen, “I am sorry I cannot fulfil our promise to leave for Japan together.” You sigh.

It’s a small promise you made with Renjun on your first month of friendship and since then both of you have been working hard to get good grades and prepare the requirements for entering the university.

Renjun did not look surprised, but he is the best man in covering his feelings. Unlike Renjun who can read you like an open book, you cannot read him at all. He just plays with his fingers and after a while looks into your eyes.

“(y/n), I know it’s not your fault. Don’t blame yourself, besides we can still figure out a way to fulfil this dream of ours.” He calmly threads your hair.

You shake your head, “It won’t happen Renjun, mom looks final with her decision. I am so sorry you have to leave by yourself.”

The young man chuckles dryly, “If you’re not going, then I won’t too.”

You snap at him, “What do you mean? It is your dream too!”

He nods, “It is my dream, and yours too. Our promise is to achieve our dream together right? So if fate decides to leave one of us behind, screw it I’ll stay.”

You can no longer hold back the tears in your eyes, who are you to deserve him? He really is an angel in disguise, always putting your importance first before his.

“Don’t cry, I am not going anywhere if you’re not there.” Was his last promise before he engulfs you into his warm shoulder and hugs you as the last bits of fire flickers in the dark and went out.

It is dark now, with only the moon shining over both of your face. Your glazy eyes met his and without second thoughts, you bring your lips to seal his. When there is no sign of objections you hold it there, letting Renjun takes over instead. One of his arm makes his way to the nape of your neck, gently pressing your head closer to him so he can devour you. So this unexplainable emotions in your hearts can be set free.

It’s not passionate, it’s rushed, full of hurt emotion, and sadness. You feel pain as you try to remember just how soft his lips are, after this you may never see him again. Renjun finally lets go and under the moonlight you can see him wiping away a tear. Your heart cracks, “Injun-ie,” you bring your thumb to wipe his cheek, but he is faster to hold your wrist in the air.

Your face shows surprise, is he rejecting you? He didn’t wipe his tear. Instead, he asks you a question you never expect him to ask.

“Do you ever love me as someone more than a friend?” his sincere question laced with dreadful pain makes you close your eyes.

“I love you to the point that it hurts Renjun,” you reply in a heartbeat.

He  closes his eyes and forces a sad smile, “Can you just once, tell me you love me?”

You want to ask him what he means by once? You’ll tell him over and over! But since you’re an open book to him, he answers you first before you can even gasp

“I know you’re forbidden to love me, I don’t want you to say that to me. It’s a sacred word prin- I mean (y/n). You should only say that to the person you truly love.” He looks down on his feet. Your heart burns when he refuses to even call you by his nickname.

He’s not dumb, he knows how this society of the rich works. It is always them choosing their daughter and son’s partner. He knows your mother doesn’t like him, merely because she never invites him to any of the tea party or dinner. The school knows that your family had made a promise to Jaemin’s family that if their children are of different gender, they will tie the bond. It’s just wonderful how the whole school, including Renjun, knows but not you.

Yes, you and Jaemin both know nothing. Both parents just try to make it look “natural” by sending their children to the same school, put them in the same group of community, and make them see each other as frequent as possible.

You stop crying and look into his eyes, “Renjun, you say I just have to say that word to the man I really love right?”

He nods, he knows he is dumb for saying that. He should’ve just asked you out to be his before you and Jaemin become a thing, but that will just hurt you and him. And having to hurt more is not something Renjun needs right at this moment.

“I love you Renjun,” you whisper sincerely. This may be the only chance you get to say it out loud to him. And the brilliant boy seizes his moment too, “I love you too, princess.”

You and Renjun stay together for a couple of minutes in silence. Because sometimes silence speaks louder, and emotions are conveyed better. You did not know where tomorrow will bring you, but at least you’re not regretting your decision tonight that being telling your true feelings to the person you love.

end.

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ thank you for the supports 

[anthrat]

Frayed Stitches

Kakuzu/Reader

The tears just wouldn’t stop. No matter how hard you tried, how much you forced yourself to push those feelings of anger, sadness and hatred down they wouldn’t leave. They kept rising up, they were a constant threat to your image. You couldn’t let Kakuzu see you like this. You already knew what he’d say.

2243 words

A/N: I actually wrote this instead of writing my linguistics essay so here's to hoping it's actually good hehe :)

A little over a year had passed since you’d joined the Akatsuki, you could scarcely remember what your life had been like before. You’d never achieved much. Running from village to village as a paid assassin, willing to do anyone’s dirty work for as long as they had the money. You had no loyalties, no friends, no comrades, nothing. Your situation wasn’t an especially uncommon one either. On your travels, you’d met hundreds like yourself. Internal strife meant there was always work for people like you, people who thrived off discontent.

Your admission into the Akatsuki had been a reluctant one. Pain himself had scouted you out, requesting you join. You’d initially declined, however, Pain had insisted, coercing you to bet your freedom on a fight. Win and remain free, lose and become tied to an organisation you didn’t care about. Needless to say, you lost the fight. Even now you still didn’t care about the goal of the organisation, heck, you barely knew what it was. You simply did what was asked of you, not wanting to make a fuss. Running away was futile, so you just had to make do with the circumstances.

On your arrival, you’d been introduced to the other members in what you could only describe as the most uncomfortable situation you’d ever been in. Nobody seemed especially enthusiastic to be there, and nobody seemed to care about you joining. The only person who had even attempted to make you feel welcome had been Kisame, he’d given you a toothy grin as he introduced himself, remarking that he looked forward to working alongside you. It was here you were given an insight into the aims of the Akatsuki, at least you think you had been. You’d struggled to focus on what Pain was saying, distracted by the eyes of each member boring into your skull. This was also the moment you were partnered with Kakuzu, or in other words, the moment you were forced into Hell. You’d remembered how the older man had barely batted an eyelid when you were told you’d be partnered together, the way he’d muttered something about how he would be better by himself, his cold eyes piercing your body as he’d threatened to kill you if you got in his way. You had initially dismissed your partner's morbid comment, assuming it was simply a tough-guy act to make himself appear strong in front of the other members. However, before leaving to embark on your first official mission one of the other members had gently placed his hand on your shoulder, giving you a toothy grin before whispering something you’d never forget into your ear.

“You're the fifth to be partnered with Kakuzu. Don’t die.”

Your partnership with Kakuzu had been one which could be easily described in one word. Hell. From not caring whatsoever if you were caught in his crossfire, to forcing you to walk for days on end with absolutely no breaks the man was a tyrant, a monster. You found yourself unable to ever completely relax, your body was in a constant state of emergency knowing full well if you let your guard down for even a second that would give Kakuzu the opportunity to strike. Thinking back on those Hellish times you wondered what had kept you going. Death would have been the easy way out, yet you’d persevered and for what? You’d found yourself growing attached to the grumpy old fuck, you hated to admit it but it was true. Recently you’d found your mind drifting when you were around Kakuzu, you no longer felt like he was an immediate threat. You’d been able to learn his attack patterns and formulate battle strategies which benefited you both. You’d been talking with each other more too, although Kakuzu’s answers were always abrupt and uninviting he was at least finally responding. On the rare occasion, Kakuzu himself had even tried to spark a conversation, although it usually revolved around money. Not long ago you’d even cooked together, well… Maybe it was a stretch to call it cooking. It was more like you’d forced him to cut the mushrooms you’d gathered for lunch after he’d spent roughly ten minutes complaining that you were doing it wrong. Watching his skill with the knife had made you wonder why he always refused to cook meals, he was clearly much better than you were. Given his age and experience you always felt like he’d probably find your cooking skills lacklustre, yet he never once complained about your sub-par skills. This had led you to believe the stoic and grumpy ninja had a slight soft side, or maybe he just really didn’t care.

You raked your hands through your hair, trying to steady your own breathing. Why were you thinking about Kakuzu at a time like this? The man who had brought you so much pain and suffering, and yet was the only person you could trust. He was the only person who hadn’t abandoned you. Placing your hands over your mouth you tried to stifle your cries as you doubled over, cowering into your knees. Your whole body convulsed from the pressure of the wrangled sobs which were trying desperately to escape from your body. You wanted nothing more than to just scream, to let your tears flow freely, to remove the constraints you’d placed on your emotions. Yet you couldn’t. Not here, not now. Kakuzu would hear you, he’d see you. You already knew what he’d say. You’d spent so long carefully constructing an image of yourself, an image which portrayed only strength and aggression. One of independence. One which implied you were able to find joy in your solitude, that you were proud of the person you’d become. Yet here you were, crying on the floor of your rented room like a little bitch. If Kakuzu saw you now he’d know it was all a lie, he’d see you for what you really were. A terrified young shinobi who was in way over their head. An incompetent fool who’d been forced to abandon everything. An idiot who couldn’t even take their fate into their own hands. You tried yet again to steady your breathing, squeezing your eyes shut as you scrunched up your face, balling your hands into tight fists and pushing them roughly against your eyes.

“Breathe normally you pathetic fucking bitch” you muttered to yourself, forcing your legs to move out from beneath you. Forcing yourself to stand. You were going to go and have a shower and clean yourself up. After that you’d forget about this tiny little slip-up, you’d completely wipe it from your memory dismissing it as nothing but a silly dream.

“What are you doing?”

You froze. Shit. How had you not heard him return? This is why you couldn’t let your guard down, you’d let yourself grow comfortable and for what? For Kakuzu to stumble upon you at your absolute worst. Maybe you could salvage the situation, he could only see your back after all. Straightening your back, you let out a long fake yawn, stretching your hands up to the ceiling, then dropping them to your sides as you began taking slow steps in the opposite direction to where Kakuzu was stood, your eyes desperate scanning the bare walls for something, anything, you could use as an excuse to not turn around and face him.

“I’m bored. There’s nothing to do.” You winced, even to you your voice sounded impossibly thick. Unless Kakuzu was actually brain-dead you didn’t have the slightest chance of escaping him unscathed. Spotting your bag in the corner of the room you marched towards it and squatted in front of it, opening it up slowly you rummaged around mindlessly. Acting had never been your strong suit but you hoped this was at least mildly convincing. The silence between the two of you was almost deafening, had you not been able to feel his steel-like gaze piercing through you you may have assumed he’d already left. You breathed a sigh of relief as you heard Kakuzu’s feet move, although that relief was quickly displaced with immediate dread as you realised he was walking towards you. Ducking your head you tried to make your bag rummaging more convincing, although at this point you knew it was pointless.

“What are you looking for?” You felt a shiver run down your spine as the older Shinobi spoke, his deep gravelly voice always put you on edge, no matter what he was saying. You hummed loudly “Nothing in particular. Do you want something?” you inwardly cringed as your voice cracked, you could already feel the pressure building up in your throat. Your body wanted nothing more than to completely break down but that wasn’t an option right now. You tried to control your breathing, praying that he would leave.

“We have a mission. We’re leaving early tomorrow morning”

“Right. Is that all?” you snapped, instantly regretting your tone as you felt a strong hand grip your shoulder.

“Look at me when you speak to me” Kakuzu growled. You felt tears prick your eyes. God not now, please not now. Forcing a laugh you tried to swat his hand away which only caused him to tighten his grip. “Pathetic really, I come all this way to tell you we have a mission and this is the thanks I get. I could have easily just left you here all by yourself-” You’d had enough, gripping his hand with your own you tore it from your shoulder. Turning to face the surprised Shinobi with tears streaming down your face. “Just shut up! Shut up! Leave me the fuck alone!” you screamed as your arms flailed wildly in a series of punches and slaps, each one directed at Kakuzu’s chest. You felt his skin harden beneath your fists, you didn’t care if you weren’t hurting him. You just wanted him gone. Your breath rasped as you repeatedly flung yourself at him. He just stood there, completely still, his face unreadable beneath his mask. Yelling in frustration you turned away from him, picking up your bag and tossing it across the room. “Just fuck off!”

“Me or the bag?” He retorted, Taking a step towards you. You attempted to throw another punch at him, this time however he swiftly caught it. His large hand enveloped your fist as he pushed it harshly down to your side, his eyes meeting your own. There was something different about his gaze, it was still his usual stone-cold glare yet there was something… Almost like guilt? Or maybe it was sadness glimmering within its depths. You tried to disentangle your fists from his grip to no avail. “Kakuzu please, leave me alone” you begged, your voice barely a whisper. He sighed heavily, his feet shifting slightly as he pulled you into a rough and uncomfortable hug. His arms wrapped stiffly around you for a few seconds before he quickly withdrew them and pushed you away. You were in a state of complete shock, your entire body seemed to be malfunctioning. Had you took the time to look up at Kakuzu you might have noticed the delicate shade of pink decorating his face. “I’m sorry. I’ll leave you be” He muttered. Before you could even compute what had happened, never mind think of an adequate response he had already left the room. Leaving you completely alone once again.

You shook your head roughly, it must have been a dream, right? Had Kakuzu, the man devoid of any and all emotion, really just given you a hug? You laughed, you couldn’t help yourself. Maybe you’d finally turned insane. The hug had been possibly the absolute worst you’d ever received in your life, yet somehow you felt lighter. His body had been warm. So warm. So muscular. You pinched yourself, what on earth were you thinking? Had several years lacking in human touch really made you this desperate? Smiling to yourself you wandered aimlessly towards your bed, heavily flopping down on it to stare at the ceiling. You lay like that for a good while, your head spinning with thoughts of Kakuzu. You didn’t know what to make of this advancement, had he hugged you out of pity or was it something else? With your thoughts still racing you slowly drifted off into a deep slumber that lasted until dawn. You weren’t awoken by the entrance of a mysterious masked man who gently placed a duvet over your body. You didn’t see the soft smile which adorned his face as he did this, you didn’t notice the extreme care he took in order to not wake you as he tucked you into bed. You didn’t hear him as he gently whispered goodnight before he left. The next morning you’d wake up, completely unaware of just how much Kakuzu cared about you. Unknowing of the suffering you caused him. To openly reveal his admiration for you would be to reopen old wounds. After all, if you ever found out just how much he cared it would ruin the image he’d spent years constructing.

[coolgirlontheweb]

eren jaeger (Attack On Titan) - ISFP

eren is a true IFSP - his dominant Fi seeks feelings of action, and honours his own beliefs and values. anytime eren says “i’ll kill the titans” or anything he says about his goals are driven by Fi. rarely do we ever see eren try to see the other side’s reasoning or why the titans eat humans pre time-skip, unlike armin, who indeed is an Ni dom and asks “what does it, no, they want?” the second he is confronted by the female titan. in season 2 episode 8 after he is confronted with the truth about bertholdt and reiner’s titan identities, he instantly shouts, deems them psychotic mass murderers and announces that he was going to “make you die the most excruciating deaths possible”. ISFPs who display the negative aspects of Fi suffer from a lack of objectivity, are unable to relate to things outside of their personal experience and treat their feelings as fact, unaware of their own biases. pre-time skip eren is all of this and never considers exactly why reiner and bertholdt are titans. only once does he actually weigh his options and make sense of what is happening, rather than immediately having an emotional reaction to it, and that is when ymir, a Ti dom, reminds him of his situation. signs of a Te grip are prevalent here - he was inclined to blame and reproach before he employed any rational thought to his circumstance. small hints of his Ni developing appear here when he begins to rationalise on how to escape, and what being captured may mean for the future and the scouts, but this is all shrouded in how overbearing his Fi is, i really don’t see how it can be overlooked.

throughout all of the manga, eren’s dominant Fi is at its optimal expression when he cries to ramzi in Chapter 131, “i’m sorry, i’m sorry…” optimal Fi expression helps dominant Fi users feel deep empathy when seeing people suffer, and works to ensure that every person has the freedom to authentically be themselves. even though eren knows he is going to kill ramzi, he cannot hold back from saving him, and crying to him is a heartbreaking portrayal of Fi in a doomed character. In the case that he was an Ni dom, eren would find it worthless to approach ramzi in spite of the future - which he actually initially thinks before saving him from being beaten, a sign of his Ni developing but his Fi overpowering it.

additionally, an unhealthy dominant Fi can foster feelings of instability, self-righteousness and self-pitiness. whenever eren is confronted with the damning reality of the titans’ existence he reverts from a strong willed and passionate Fi dom to one who is all of the aforementioned and above all, self-blaming. the greatest example of this that i can currently think of is in season 3 episode 9 during rod reiss’ abnormal titan attack on orvud district - eren’s Fi was so unhealthy that after rumination on being the cause of so many deaths and his overall role as “humanity’s saviour” (which is a self-righteous assumption, albeit true-ish), he begins to blame and pity himself so much that he started to physically beat himself up until he bled.

extraverted thinking (Te), being his inferior function, is naturally the least accessible to him, and therefore historically the least used. pre time-skip eren shows symptoms of Te grip. Te is an assertive function and tackles challenges head on and above all, its defining feature is that it applies logical, objective reasoning to the outside world. pre time-skip eren’s Te grip meant that he was ready to pick a fight about anything disagreeable, and had an overpowering urge to correct everything that is ‘wrong’. Te grip causes inferior Te users to recognise and dislike problems wherever they see them, yet offer no solutions to them. seldom did eren ever solve problems, he relied on erwin’s dominant Te for that and followed suit, or found guidance through armin. come the time-skip, and we are confronted by a strategic and assertive eren; his Te has noticeably developed. although, he has an extremely destructive expression of Te, i.e: abuse of power and position (as the founding titan) to get what he wants and believes the weak (his enemies, marleyans, the warriors and briefly the scouts) get what they deserve. he breaks out of jail, uses extremist ideology and manpower (the yeagerists) and ignores the chain of command, and his friends’ pleas to complete his goal. unhealthy Te users tend to be blind to nuance/context and see everything from a black and white, "i'm right and you're wrong" stance. they also have an extremely inflexible approach - rarely being convinced to change their ideas and plans. eren shows ALL of this: his Te is so influential that he is blind to any other approach to the Rumbling offered by the scouts or even zeke, since we know he doesn't activate a "small-scale" rumbling, but the whole thing.

alongside his developed Ni, eren’s character seems to do a complete 180 but it’s only a development of his Ni-Te. in my opinion, the reason why his shift in personality is because alongside an actual Ni-Te development, his facade makes it so that the strategy and stoicism he has adopted becomes pronounced. an INTJ wouldn't have trouble with healthy expressions of Ni-Te since it comes naturally to them - think of yelena: whilst all of this is happening, she remains the most pacific and rational person on paradis island. eren seems calm on the surface, but the emotional stress of having to rely on Ni-Te is definitely there. you can see it in his table talk with armin and mikasa. he attempts to stay calm in the beginning but all of the emotional stress comes bubbling to the surface in an outburst of unhealthy Fi rage. something else i think it's worth mentioning is that functions operate in oppositional pairs that push and pull against each other, creating internal conflict. eren’s singular worldview and morals in seasons 1-3 meant there wasn’t any room for internal conflict, but after seeing the other side of the wall, his Fi and Te are constantly in conflict. eren’s newfound Te, wants efficiency and order, but how does he fare with losing his humanity and treating the world as a machine as his Fi is challenged for the first time?

an early signal of eren’s Ni development is the thwarting of his previously healthy Se expression in season 3 episode 22. with Ni's future orientated intuition, causing him to be uninspired by sensory experiences, his Se gets shut down as he loses his happiness to the future. eren cannot bring himself to have fun at the beach, nor experience what he and armin dreamed about from a young age, instead, he points toward the horizon, towards the future and is utterly defeated by its prospects. this is honestly so sad, it’s as though he withers away as a person after the vision of the future.

developing Ni needs a lot of introspectivity, maturing and objectivity for a dominant Fi user. eren attains these traits in 2 ways; first, he actually peers into the future through the paths. this is sort of a cheat code into developing Ni, but it nonetheless dictates how he acts post paths vision. Ni is a future orientated function, and it experiences the world through what will happen. since eren already knows the future, his Ni expression is almost forced to mature. however, the second way that Ni is developed by eren naturally is when he runs away to marley and lives among eldians in the liberio internment camp.

contrary to suffering from a lack of objectivity due to negative Fi expression, eren is confronted with the other side of the wall. as he learns about the rest of his world, he slowly becomes more objective and understanding - his worldview has broadened, and he indulges in the part of Ni that approaches the world with a unified vision. albeit a weak Ni expression, which gives him difficulty in making wise decisions in season 4 because of a lack of clarity and no positive vision of the future, eren’s Ni develops nonetheless.

this becomes evident when we contrast his talk with reiner in season 2 episode 8 to his talk with reiner in Season 4 Episode 5. in the latter eren employs a mix of Ni-Te, almost showcasing his newfound functions to us, the reader, and reiner. eren is more calculating, authoritative, objective, and aware of his long term goal and its consequences.

[fe-semi-decent-scenarios]

FE3H: Felix x Reader {Territorial}

Premise: This war won’t take another thing from Felix, at least not on his own soil. 

Part: (2/2) {Previous} 

Warning: Angst, Loss, a lil fluff in this one

A week ago, all Felix knew was anger. It was not a village he spotted but the remnants of what remained of the army’s forces. They had driven off the Empire from assaulting further into Fargeus territory, but the battle overall was a massive loss. The list of casualties was long, and if they hadn’t remained to scout the are then perhaps two generals would be on it as well. He had failed.

The moment he arrived at the encampment (Y/N) fell into a deep slumber. In the care of whatever healers that had survived, she managed to survive the trip back to the monastery without issue. He was grateful, but the words caught in his throat. He watched as a collective sigh of relief overtook the camp when word of her stabilizing spread. To be respected by one’s subordinates was expected, but she had earned their companionship. He felt a surge of pride that soon turned to self-hatred. A moment later and these troops would have lost their leader.

He had no need to deliver news to the Professor or the Boar. They met him at the gates and their expressions said they knew it all. Instead of standing around for a useless pep talk, he pushed through to the training hall. No one followed or tried to stop him. At some point Ashe came to inform him of (Y/N)’s care status. Still asleep, and now in Manuela’s clinic. Pitiful.

“Felix, will you not join us for dinner?” after two days the professor came. Despite his own healing injuries, he still trained. For hours, until he’d go sit outside the clinic overnight. The guards on duty weren’t enough in his opinion and no one dared to argue.

“No”

He swiped at the training dummy, adding another to a collection of many gashes.

“I understand that you’re worried about (Y/N), but you can’t neglect yourself. She wouldn’t want this,” They said, and Felix felt the hatred from the week before resurface. With a strangled grunt he threw the sword down at the ground. They had no right to put words in her mouth, especially ones he knew were true. True, and that was the issue.

“Don’t act like you understand when you don’t! You will never understand until-” He caught himself. Byleth remained quiet in wait for his answer, but he could only clutch his head in frustration. This wasn’t a talk to have with his teacher.

“Never mind,” he sighed, “I’m out of here, don’t follow me,” he stormed past before they could say more. Instead of heading to the mess hall, Felix walked straight to Manuela’s clinic. He ignored any who tried to speak with him, and honestly didn’t have it in him to feel even remotely guilty.

Just as he was about to enter the clinic his steps halted; one hand outstretched towards the handle. Despite the battle being over for over a week not once had he visited her. He tried. Each night Manuela would leave the door open for him, and each night his hand would hover near the doorknob. Something about seeing her so lifeless, so fragile; it stopped him every time.

He almost turns to sit on the floor again, but the door opened without him needing to do so. For a second Manuela gasps at his unkept appearance, before grinning and yanking him inside.

“Felix dear! I was just on my way to find you. (Y/N), he’s right here!” She sang out while pushing him towards a cot hidden behind a screen-divider. There was a faint shadow on it illuminated by candlelight. She was awake, and he didn’t know how to feel.  

“You two lovebirds take a moment to talk. I will be in professor Hannamen’s office if you need anything,” Manuela said, leaving and shutting the door behind her. He needed to leave before something bad happened. He wasn’t ready to face this yet. Not only mentally, but physically. He hadn’t shaved since the battle and was sweaty from training. She was the last person he would want to look at him.

“Felix? Why are you so far away?” his heart thumped in his chest. Any tension he was feeling before faded away at her voice. The last time they spoke it was laced with death. It haunted his dreams to where he almost forgot how beautiful the sound was. Escape was impossible, something he realized as the shadow moved. Before she could get up, he crossed the screen barrier.

“I was just man-handled by Manuela. Even I need time to recuperate sometimes,” he grumbled and stood at the edge of her bed. At the sound of her laugh his gaze drew to her face. Dark circles painted her eyes despite being asleep for so long, and she had a bedhead worse for wear. It reminded him of when they would study together for tests as teens. He’d complain about the hassle, she’d force him to stay, and somehow, they both would end up not learning anything. Simply aggravating the librarian and losing sleep over nothing.

“Sorry,” her laugh ended. He didn’t know what else to say. What else could he say in a situation like this? His face soured, something she clearly took note of. He averted his attention to the low-burned candle.

“Well? How do you feel?” he asked, albeit in a less sincere tone than he felt.

“Alright. A bit stiff and sore, but nothing too serious,” she stretched while speaking. Felix was not stupid. A wound like hers would not go without side effects. Despite the lie he tried to remain neutral.

“Good,” and so a pregnant silence overtook them. He closed his eyes, resting for what felt like the first time in weeks.

“When I woke up, Manuela said a week had passed. Is that true?” She asked, and he could sense her nerves. The familiar bubbling in his gut began to appear, and he clenched his fists.

“Yeah,”

“…my soldiers?”

“Alive, they were relived to see you safe. You have a good platoon,” He did not lie. His men were not his friends, and he liked it that way. Comradery was not his strong suit, but to know she had people at her side put him at ease. He peered an eye open in time to see her slouch against the bedframe. No doubt they were first on her mind after awaking.

“I know. They’re good people,” She smiled. A faint one, yet still enough to almost make him mimic it. He was close until his eye caught the bandages around her neck. Most were hidden under thin sheets, but he knew. He knew what was there and did not know what to do. They were a reminder, and the scars underneath a forever momento.  She caught his glare, and instinctively reached to cradle them. The bubbling grew to a boil.

“Could you say something? Anything?” she burst out in the silence, “Yell at me, scream at me, tell me I’m stupid or that you hate me? I don’t regret what I did Felix, but you need to talk to me,” her words were desperate and broke his stare from the bandage. He watched her form tuck in as she took a deep breath, yet he still could not find the right words. She knew how he felt about other people protecting him. That was his kill, his fight, and his wound. She knew, yet she went and did something so-so her.

“You want me to talk to you?!” he seethed and pushed off the wall, “Do you-“She shrunk back into the bedframe but he couldn’t stop. Not on his own.

“Do you have any idea what you put me through?! That was not your place! You are not allowed to die!”

His words caused her to pause. She unfolded, and he knew that look after so many arguments together. Her eyes squinted at him as she raised to sit straight on her knees. Fire that made her the fighter he fell for, and one the soldiers obeyed.

“And how is that fair?! I’ve said it before, and I will say it again: we are a team

Felix! If I can’t die, then you can’t either! Do you honestly think I could have lived with myself if you disappeared?!” she yelled. Their voices echoed on the clinic’s walls and bounced around the room. Rebuttal after rebuttal they continued to argue until the candlelight had dimmed to nearly visible. He watched as tears pricked her eyes and wondered how his own face looked. At some point she had moved closer to him, to where he could almost smell the medicinal herbs used in the various treatments she’d undergone. Over and over she insisted on his importance. Of how great a warrior he is, how his friends needed him, how the country needed him; she didn’t understand.  What about him? What about what he wanted? He did what he chose, not what was expected. He’d sooner die for himself, then let her die because of other people.

He would not let his father say those words again. Not for himself, and surly not for her.

“You would have gotten over it. Everyone does, death is natural,” his voice calmed as she grew even nearer to the bed’s end. The bubbling simmered, and he reached out towards a strand of her hair. Matted, a bit worn, but soft.

“…Felix?” his hand soon moved to her cheek. One he caressed many times over in private. Her lips drew taught, yet she still leaned into his touch.

“If I die, I will do it fighting for what I believe in (Y/N). Not as a mindless solider,” he said, ending the argument. Normally he would leave her to think on her own, just as he’s done with everyone else. He doesn’t like explaining himself and has always thought people were too self-absorbed to understand his way of life. His father for one barely tried beyond pleasantries. Yet, he wanted her to. The way her hand came to rest over his own showed that she did too.

“I did what I wanted. I fight because I love you, I love our friends, and I love our home …not for anything else. You know that” she whispered. Her arms came to wrap around his neck, and he pulled her in. He did know and it made his gut wrench. It twisted in fear for losing her like he lost his brother and for failing himself; yet, at the same time hearing her words made him happy. Her wounds may have been because of him, but they were partially for the same reason he fought. Maybe she didn’t enjoy the excitement of battle like he did, but her cause was her own, not of a higher power.

“I love you, and I would do it all over again”

“Stupid…I love you too”

[fyeah-bangtan7]

The Boundless Optimism of BTS

IT IS THE MORNING OF CHUSEOK, A KOREAN HARVEST FESTIVAL akin to Thanksgiving, and the members of BTS would normally be spending it with their families, eating tteokguk, a traditional rice-cake soup. Instead, Jin, 28; Suga, 27; J-Hope, 26; RM, 26; Jimin, 25; V, 24; and Jung Kook, 23, are working. Practicing. Honing their choreography. In a few days, the biggest musical act in the world will perform in the live-stream concert that, for now, will have to stand in for the massive tour they spent the first part of this year rehearsing. At this moment, they’re seated inside Big Hit Entertainment headquarters in Seoul, South Korea, the house they built, dressed mostly in black and white, ready to answer my questions. They’re gracious about it. And groggy.

Before I’m done speaking with them for this story, BTS will have the number-one and number-two songs on the BillboardHot 100, a feat that’s been achieved only a handful of times in the sixty-odd years the chart has existed. Their next album, Be, is weeks away from being released, and speculation about the record, the tracklist, the statement, is rampant across the Internet. BTS are, to put it mildly, huge.

There is something about complete world domination that can really cement a friendship. What jumps out at me as I connect with the members of BTS is their level of comfort with one another. Tension has a way of making itself evident—even over Zoom, even through a translator. There’s none to be found here. They are relaxed in the manner of family. Lounging with their arms around each other’s shoulders, tugging on each other’s sleeves, fixing each other’s collars. When they speak about one another, it is with kindness.

“Jimin has a particular passion for the stage and really thinks about performance, and in that sense, there are many things to learn from him,” J-Hope says. “Despite all the things he has accomplished, he still tries his best and brings something new to the table, and I really want to applaud him for that.”

“Thank you for saying all these things about me,” Jimin responds.

Jimin turns his attention to V, explaining that he is “loved by so many” and describing him as one of his best friends. Suga jumps in, sharing that Jimin and V fight the most among the group. V replies, “We haven’t fought in three years!” They tell me this distinction now belongs to Jin and Jung Kook, the oldest and youngest members. “It all starts as a joke, but then it gets serious,” Jimin says.

Jin agrees and recounts what their arguments sound like. “Why did you hit me so hard?” he says, before mimicking Jung Kook’s response: “I didn’t hit you that hard.” And then they start hitting each other. But not that hard.

Since the start of their careers, BTS have shown a certain confidence in their aesthetic, their performances, and their music videos. It’s right there in the name: BTS stands for “Bangtan Sonyeondan,” which translates to “Bulletproof Boy Scouts,” but as their popularity grew in English-speaking markets, the acronym was retrofitted to mean “Beyond the Scene,” which Big Hit has described as “symbolizing youth who don’t settle for their current reality and instead open the door and go forward to achieve growth.” And their affection with one another, their vulnerability and emotional openness in their lives and in their lyrics, strikes me as more grown-up and masculine than all the frantic and perpetual box-checking and tone-policing that American boys force themselves and their peers to do. It looks like the future.

“There is this culture where masculinity is defined by certain emotions, characteristics. I’m not fond of these expressions,” Suga tells me. “What does being masculine mean? People’s conditions vary day by day. Sometimes you’re in a good condition; sometimes you aren’t. Based on that, you get an idea of your physical health. And that same thing applies mentally. Some days you’re in a good state; sometimes you’re not. Many pretend to be okay, saying that they’re not ‘weak,’ as if that would make you a weak person. I don’t think that’s right. People won’t say you’re a weak person if your physical condition is not that good. It should be the same for the mental condition as well. Society should be more understanding.”

When I hear these words in October 2020, from my house in a country whose leader is actively trying to make the case that only the weak die of COVID-19, well, it sounds like the future, too.

IF YOU ARE JUST NOW CONSIDERING GETTING INTO BTS, IT IS natural to feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount of stuff. It’s a bit like saying, right this second, “Let’s see what Marvel Comics is all about.” In the streaming age, BTS have sold more than twenty million physical units across fourteen albums. Their multi-album concept cycles, The Most Beautiful Moment in Life, Love Yourself, and Map of the Soul, have unfolded over multiple records and EPs. There are collaborations with brands, including a BTS smartphone with Samsung. There is a series of short films and music videos, called BU, or BTS Universe, and an animated universe called BT21, in which they’re all represented by gender-neutral avatars. Their fan base, known as ARMY, is a global cultural movement unto itself.

“Dynamite,” their first English-language single and their first American number one, is pure, ecstatic pop. Shiny and joyful. What sets them apart from many of their peers, and many of the pop acts who achieved worldwide fame before them, is what came earlier. Beneath the sheen and the beats has always been an unflinching examination of human emotion. Their lyrics seek to challenge the conventions of society—to question and even denounce them. BTS’s first single, “No More Dream,” unveiled at their debut showcase in June 2013, concerns the intense pressure South Korean schoolchildren face to conform and to succeed. According to Suga, lyrics about the mental health of young people were mostly absent in Korean pop music. “The reason I started making music is because I grew up listening for lyrics that speak about dreams, hopes, and social issues,” he tells me. “It just came naturally to me when making music.”

Suga’s early ambition of making music didn’t involve him being in a group at all. About a decade ago, in his hometown of Daegu, the fourth-largest city in South Korea, he started recording underground rap tracks under the name Gloss, listening to and learning from the early works of songwriter and producer Bang Si-hyuk, known as Hitman Bang. Bang is the founder and CEO of Big Hit Entertainment. In 2010, Suga, a junior in high school, moved to Seoul to join Big Hit as a producer and rapper. Then Bang asked him to become part of a group, envisioning a hip-hop act with fellow new Big Hit recruits RM and J-Hope. The guys call this “season one” of their development.

“At that time, I don’t think our label exactly knew what to do with us,” RM says. “They just basically let us be and we had some lessons, but we also just chilled and made music sometimes.”

It got more intense. The family grew, occasionally by accident.

V accompanied a friend to a Big Hit casting call in Daegu for moral support and ended up being the person chosen from those sessions.

Jung Kook was signed in a feeding frenzy after being dropped from the talent show Superstar K, fielding offers from numerous entertainment companies before settling on Big Hit because he was impressed by RM’s rapping.

Jimin was a dance student and class president for nine years running at his school in Busan; he auditioned at the behest of his teacher.

And then, to hear him tell it, Jin got picked up off the street. “I was just going to school,” he says. “Someone from the company approached me, like, ‘Oh, this is my first time seeing anyone that looked like this.’ He suggested having a meeting with me.”

“Season two is when we officially underwent hard training,” J-Hope says. “We started dancing, and that’s how I would say our team building started.”

School in the daytime, training at night. “We slept during classes,” V says.

“I slept in the practice studio,” J-Hope counters.

Hitman Bang kept the pressure comparatively low. And he encouraged the guys to write and produce their own music, to be honest about their emotions in their lyrics. Suga is on record saying that no BTS album would be complete without a track that scrutinizes society.

And yet for their new album, Be, they’re putting that aside. Even this has a greater purpose that relates to mental wellness: RM, the group’s main rapper, says, “I don’t think this album will have any songs that criticize social issues. Everybody is going through very trying times right now. So I don’t think there will be any songs that will be that aggressive.”

Though the new rules of COVID-19 mean they can’t come here and promote Be, its first single might not have happened in the first place but for the pandemic. “ ‘Dynamite’ wouldn’t be here if there was no COVID-19,” says RM. “For this song, we wanted to go easy and simple and positive. Not some, like, deep vibes or shadows. We just wanted to go easy.”

Jin agrees. “We were trying to convey the message of healing and comfort to our fans.” He pauses. “World domination wasn’t actually our plan when we were releasing ‘Dynamite.’ ” World domination just happens sometimes. You get it.

MAP OF THE SOUL ONE AIRED VIA THEIR ONLINE FAN PLATFORM and attracted almost a million viewers across 191 countries. The guys say they tried not to think about the enormousness. J-Hope adds, “I felt a little bit more nervous knowing that this was being broadcast live. I actually feel less nervous performing live at a stadium.” Jin replies with a smile, “J-Hope, born to perform at a stadium.”

The graphic layout of the title throws a colon between the final N and E, which makes it look like Map of the Soul On: E, and as I watch it live, as I do in my office at 3:00 a.m. with noise-canceling headphones and a steaming pot of coffee, it feels a lot like I’m watching Map of the Soul on E. It is an explosion of color and fashion and passion, over four gigantic stages, from the boozy swagger of “Dionysus” to the emo-trap introspection of “Black Swan.” Not a step, not a gesture, not a hair is out of place. If there were nerves, they didn’t come through.

There is also, at the end of Map of the Soul One, an intimate version of their 2017 track “Spring Day,” which encapsulates what’s really made BTS stand out. On the surface, it’s about nonspecific love and loss, about yearning for the past. “I think that song really represents me,” says Jin. “I like to look to the past and be lost in it.”

Fair enough, but there is an undeniable allusion, in both the song’s video and its cover concept, to a specific incident in recent South Korean history. “Spring Day” was released just a few years after the sinking of the Sewol ferry, one of the country’s biggest maritime disasters, in which a poorly inspected, overloaded ferry toppled in a sharp right turn. Hundreds of high school students drowned, having obeyed orders to stay in their cabins as the boat was going down. According to some reports, the South Korean government actively tried to silence entertainers who spoke out against it, with the Korean Ministry of Education fully banning the tragedy’s commemorative yellow ribbons in schools. I ask whether it was about a specific sad event, and Jin tells me, “It is about a sad event, as you said, but it is also about longing.” The song kept the disaster front of mind for young Koreans and for the media, indirectly leading to the impeachment and removal of then president Park Geun-hye.

If an overburdened, undermaintained, slow-moving vessel capsizing because of a reckless rightward turn strikes you as somehow symbolic of the country in which BTS are about to explode even further, you won’t hear it from them. “We’re outsiders—we can’t really express what we feel about the United States,” says V. But their actions speak volumes; in the wake of the George Floyd murder and subsequent protests in America, the group made a $1 million donation with Big Hit Entertainment to Black Lives Matter, one that was matched by BTS ARMY.

The fans offer a fascinating inversion of stan culture: Rather than bullying rivals like many other ardent online fan bases do, ARMY have put the positive message of the music into action. Their activism goes deep. Through micro-donations, they’ve regrown rain forests, adopted whales, funded hundreds of hours of dance classes for Rwandan youth, and raised money to feed LGBTQ refugees around the world. Where pop fans a generation ago might have sent teddy bears or cards to their idols for their birthdays, where five years ago they might have promoted a hashtag to get a video’s YouTube viewer count up, for RM’s twenty-sixth birthday in September, international fan collective One in an Army raised more than $20,000 for digital night schools to improve rural children’s access to education during the COVID-19 crisis. ARMY may have even entered the conversation around the 2020 presidential election when hundreds of thousands of Tulsa Trump rally tickets got snapped up online in June. The event’s actual attendance was pathetically low. No particular person or entity claimed credit for this top-notch trolling, but a video urging BTS fans to RSVP to that rally did get hundreds of thousands of views. We have no choice but to stan this fan base.

The relationship is intense. “We and our ARMY are always charging each other’s batteries,” RM says. “When we feel exhausted, when we hear the news all over the world, the tutoring programs, and donations, and every good thing, we feel responsible for all of this.” The music may have inspired the good works, but the good works inspire the music. “We’ve got to be greater; we’ve got to be better,” RM continues. “All those behaviors always influence us to be better people, before all this music and artist stuff.”

Yet for every devoted member of BTS ARMY, there is someone who’s looked right past BTS. Jimmy Fallon, whose Tonight Show hosted the group for a full week this past fall, was one of those people. “Usually if an artist is on the rise, I hear about them ahead of time. With BTS, I knew they had crazy momentum, and I’d never heard of them.”

Here’s a thought that used to be funny to me: There were members of the live audience of The Ed Sullivan Showon February 9, 1964, who weren’t there to see the Beatles. Elvis was in the Army, Buddy Holly was gone, and the three number-one albums in the months before Meet the Beatles! were an Allan Sherman comedy record, the West Side Story original cast recording, and Soeur Sourire: The Singing Nun. America had left rock ’n’ roll behind for the moment, and with the culture aimless and fragmented, it wasn’t quite sure what to pick up in its place. It is possible to imagine that a youngish, reasonably hip, and culturally aware human being might cop a ticket to that week’s show, settle into his seat, and say, “Bring on a medley of numbers from the Broadway musical Oliver! and banjo sensation Tessie O’Shea.”

The instinct is to laugh at that guy, and it’s a good instinct, because what a dope.

And then you become that guy.

Sometimes there is a whole universe alongside your own, bursting with color you’re too stubborn to see, bouncing with joy you think is for someone else, with a beat you thought you were finished dancing to. BTS are the biggest thing on the planet right now, yet the job of introducing them to someone new, particularly in America, seems like it’s never done. Maybe it’s because they are adored by screaming teenagers and we live in a society patriarchal enough to forget that screaming teenagers are nearly always right. Maybe it’s the cultural divide, in a moment when our country is unashamed enough of its own xenophobia to get openly bent out of shape when it has to press 1 for English. Maybe it’s the language barrier, as though we understood a single word Michael Stipe sang before 1989.

Whatever the reason, the result is that you might be missing out on a paradigm shift and a historic moment of pop greatness.

IF BTS SEEM A BIT CAUTIOUS WITH THEIR WORDS PUBLICLY, IT’S because—perhaps more than any other massive pop act in history—they have to be. Shortly after our second meeting, BTS were given the General James A. Van Fleet Award by the U. S.–based Korea Society for their outstanding contributions to advancing relations between the United States and Korea. In his acceptance speech, RM said, “We will always remember the history of pain that our two nations shared together, and the sacrifices of countless men and women,” as seemingly diplomatic and innocuous a statement as he could have made. But because he didn’t mention the Chinese soldiers who died in the Korean War, it didn’t go over well. The Samsung BTS smartphone disappeared from Chinese e-commerce platforms, Fila and Hyundai pulled ads in China that featured the group, the nationalistic newspaper Global Times accused them of hurting Chinese citizens’ feelings and negating history, and the hashtags “BTS humiliated China” and “there are no idols that come before my country” began trending on the social-media site Weibo. The pressure is not small.

Even as the number-one pop group in the world, even with their hard work day in and day out, even with tens of millions of adoring fans redefining the concept of “adoring fans” by literally healing the planet in their name, these guys still suffer from impostor syndrome. RM explains, “I’ve heard that there’s this mask complex. Seventy percent of so-called successful people have this, mentally. It’s basically this: There’s this mask on my face. And these people are afraid that someone is going to take off this mask. We have those fears as well. But I said 70 percent, so I think it’s very natural. Sometimes it’s a condition to be successful. Humans are imperfect, and we have these flaws and defects. And one way to deal with all this pressure and weight is to admit the shadows.”

The music helps. “When we write the songs and lyrics, we study these emotions, we are aware of that situation, and we relate to that emotionally,” J-Hope says. “And that’s why when the song is released, we listen to it and get consolation from those songs as well. I think our fans also feel those emotions, maybe even more than us. And I think we are a positive influence on each other.”

If there’s one thing they’re sacrificing, besides free time and the ability to speak freely without the Chinese foreign ministry releasing an official statement, it’s a love life. I ask about dating, broad questions like “Are you?” and “Is there time?” and “Can you?” and the answer to all of them is pretty clear: “No.” “The most important thing for us now is to sleep,” Jung Kook insists. Suga follows right up with “Can you see my dark circles?” I cannot, because there are none, because flawless skin translates even over Zoom when there’s an ocean between us.

So they’re not, at least publicly, having romantic relationships with anyone. If there is a strong relationship that’s guided their journey into adulthood, it’s with Big Hit. “Our company started with twenty to thirty people, but now we have a company with so many employees,” RM says. “We have our fans, and we have our music. So we have a lot of things that we have to be responsible for, to safeguard.” He considers it for a moment. “I think that’s what an adult is.”

“Our love life—twenty-four hours, seven days a week—is with all the ARMYs all over the world,” RM adds.

In a world that is determined to sand down anything that isn’t immediately recognizable to the average pop-music fan, when it comes to acquainting you with Korean culture, BTS very much do not wanna hold your hand. While the first song on night one of their Tonight Show week was a joyous but expected take on “Dynamite” with Fallon and the Roots, they took some chances during their second performance.

As a friend of mine, a thirty-three-year-old BTS fan in Los Angeles, told me, “The second song they performed was ‘IDOL,’ ” from 2018’s Love Yourself: Answer, “and it celebrated their Korean identity. They performed it in Gyeongbokgung Palace in Seoul. They wore clothes inspired by traditional dresses called hanboks;it was almost entirely in Korean, so it felt super subversive. As a fan, I read it as: ‘Dynamite’ was an invitation, and this is who we are and this is our home.”

“I was a little concerned that people might not understand,” Fallon says. “I was like, ‘There’s nothing in English here.’ But what you see is just pure star power. Pure talent. Immediately, I thought, Oh, this is everything. If you’re that powerful, it transcends language.”

American popular music in the twenty-first century is more fragmented than it has been since . . . well, since Allan Sherman, Leonard Bernstein and Stephen Sondheim, and the Singing Nun battled for that number-one spot. The monoculture that the Beatles helped bring on has breathed its last breath. Each of us is the program director for our own private radio station, letting our own past habits and streaming-service algorithms serve up something close to what we want. Which is great, except that huge moments can whiz right past our ears. Each of us, even if we’re more clued in than our parents were when they were our age, can miss some era-defining, excellent shit. Particularly if the radio is our Spotify Discover Weekly, or the Pandora channel based on the band whose T-shirts we wore in college. We can let a moment pass us by if prime time is a Netflix binge, and the Tonight Show hour is spent on one more episode before bed. But we shouldn’t. “Honestly, I think it’s history that we’re living through with BTS,” Fallon says. “It’s the biggest band I’ve seen since I’ve started late night, definitely.”

THERE IS ALSO THE SMALL DETAIL THAT, UNLIKE THE BEATLES AND literally every other worldwide sensation to break in America, BTS don’t particularly need to go to the trouble. They are massive all over the world. Thanks to the recent IPO of Big Hit Entertainment, of which each member is a partner, they are all now incredibly wealthy. (Hitman Bang is the first South Korean entertainment mogul to become a billionaire.) What good is a culture in decline to a pop act this much on the ascent? “When I dreamed of becoming an artist, I listened to pop and watched all the awards shows in the United States. Being successful and being a hit in the U. S. is, of course, such an honor as an artist,” says Suga. “I feel very proud of that.”

They’re breaking out in a country that either worships them or fails to notice them. So do they feel like they’re getting enough respect in America? “How can we win everyone’s respect?” Jin asks. “I think it’s enough to get respect from people who support us. It’s similar everywhere else in the world. You can’t like everyone, and I think it’s enough to be respected by people who really love you.”

Suga agrees. “You can’t always be comfortable, and I think it’s all part of life. Honestly, we are not used to getting a ton of respect from when we first started out. But I think that gradually changes, whether it be in the States or other parts of the world, as we do more and more.”

There is, without a doubt, one colossal, unmistakable sign of respect for a musician: a Grammy. They’ve been nominated only once, and even then it was for best recording package. But their sights are set on a big one next year. RM puts it out there: “We would like to be nominated and possibly get an award.” Dragging the hoary, backward-looking, and Western-focused Grammys into the gorgeous, global world of the present through sheer force of will, talent, and hard work? Stranger things have happened. “I think the Grammys are the last part, like the final part of the whole American journey,” he says with a smile. “So yeah, we’ll see.”

The Recording Academy’s seal of approval is one thing. But BTS have already conquered the world, clowned tyrants, inspired individual fans to perform the small and achievable acts of activism that have collectively begun to save the planet, challenged toxic masculinity by leading with vulnerability, and, along the way, become bajillionaires and international idols. Whether the Grammys are paying attention matters about as much as what an Ed Sullivan audience member expected to see that night in 1964. BTS have already won.

© source

[tealin]

Cape Crozier: The Winter Journey

As usual, please go to the original blog to see everything formatted properly. I will attempt to put most of this under a cut, here. Forgive me if it fails.

On the morning of 27 June 1911, three men set out from Cape Evans, on the balmy west coast of Ross Island, to cross to the east coast via its southern shore.  Wilson, their leader, wanted to acquire some Emperor penguin embryos, and the only known Emperor rookery was just off Cape Crozier.  Based on the chicks he had seen in September the last time he was in Antarctica, Wilson estimated that the eggs would be laid in early July, so he timed the trip to meet them at the right stage of development and to coincide with the full moon, to have the best visibility in a world of 24-hour night. 

  Wilson had discussed this mission with his assistant, Cherry-Garrard, when the latter was applying to join the Expedition.  Once in Antarctica, they agreed the obvious choice for a third was Bowers, who had amply proven his energy, enthusiasm, strength, resourcefulness, and resistance to cold. 

  To reach Cape Crozier at the full moon in early July meant leaving Cape Evans at the new moon, and so shortly after the solstice that most of the day was nearly black, lit only by the stars shining hard in the sky, and occasionally the aurora.  The first part of the journey was over very familiar territory, so the greatest difficulty was learning how to camp when one could hardly see anything and it was too cold to take one's mitts off or touch any metal.  So far, so surmountable. 

  The tune changed as soon as they left the sea ice and got onto the permanent ice of the Barrier (or Ross Ice Shelf, as it is now known).

 They left the tempering effect of the open ocean behind, and were under the influence of the frigid interior.  The air temperature plunged, and worse, for men hauling everything necessary for life on two 9ft sledges, they soon entered a zone of soft snow. 

  Runners slide over snow by melting the surface with friction – the glide is, in fact, slipping over a thin film of liquid water.  At such low temperatures, friction is not sufficient to melt anything, so the grains of snow act more like sand.  A hard, wind-polished surface would be like sandpaper, but in the deep soft snow it was like dragging a dead weight through the Sahara, albeit a Sahara where a day of -50°F felt like a warm spell.   

   They couldn't drag both sledges at once, so they had to take one forward, then retrace their steps and drag the other.  For every mile of forward progress, they actually covered three.  In the dead calm, they could use a naked candle to follow their outward steps back to fetch the second sledge.  Eight hours of dragging seldom got them more than two miles from where they started, and ended with the slow process of pitching camp.  After getting the tent up, the day's cook would burn his fingers on freezing tin matchboxes in a quest for a match free of frost, before he could get the Primus stove going.  Eventually the travellers would get some hot liquid in them – 

  Directly we started to drink then the effect was wonderful: it was, said Wilson, like putting a hot-water bottle against your heart.  The beats became very rapid and strong and you felt the warmth travelling outwards and downwards. [250] 

  – and then, after checking their feet for frostbites, it was time to thaw their way into their frozen sleeping bags for a miserable attempt at sleep. 

  For me it was a very bad night: a succession of shivering fits which I was quite unable to stop, and which took possession of my body for many minutes at a time until I thought my back would break, such was the strain placed upon it.  They talk of chattering teeth: but when your body chatters you may call yourself cold. [241]  We knew we did sleep, for we heard one another snore, and also we used to have dreams and nightmares; but we had little consciousness of it, and we were now beginning to drop off when we halted on the march. [245] 

  It was important for every field party to take regular meteorological observations, to contribute to an understanding of the region's weather.  At regular intervals through the day, Bowers would take an air temperature reading, and while they were sleeping, a minimum thermometer was placed under the sledge to measure the temperature in a sheltered place.  On 6 July, this got down to -75°F; the following afternoon, Bowers' thermometer registered -77.5°F. The day lives in my memory as that on which I found out that records are not worth making. [247-8] 

  The clear cold of the first part of their journey had given way to a fog, which diffused the little moonlight they got and obscured the terrain until they were practically right on top of it.  As they were rounding the heel of Mt Terror this meant crevasses, and not being able to tell where they were until one fell through, which was a nerve-wracking business on top of the sleep deprivation and physical hardship. 

  The horror of the nineteen days it took us to travel from Cape Evans to Cape Crozier would have to be re-experienced to be appreciated; and any one would be a fool who went again: it is not possible to describe it.  The weeks which followed were comparative bliss, not because our conditions were better – they were far worse – but because we were callous.  I for one had come to that point of suffering at which I did not really care if only I could die without much pain.  They talk of the heroism of the dying – they little know – it would be so easy to die, a dose of morphia, a friendly crevasse, and blissful sleep.  The trouble is to go on. . . . [237] 

  Finally they were on the home stretch, a narrow lane between the rough terrain of the land and the great pressure waves where the Barrier presses up against Ross Island as it flows out to sea.  This proved to be nearly impossible to keep to, in the poor light, but after much stumbling, and with a welcome rise in temperature to the mere -20s, they finally reached a moraine just short of the Knoll, within hiking distance of the Emperor colony huddled in the lee of the Barrier face below.  They pitched their tent on an icy smooth snow slope 150 yards down from the ridge, and the following day set about building a igloo near the top, using the exposed volcanic stone found there, in a method Cherry had been practising at Cape Evans.  July 16th, when they established the hut, was Wilson's wedding anniversary, and in the privacy of his diary at least, he named the igloo Oriana Hut, and the moraine Oriana Ridge, after his wife.  The others proposed 'Terra Igloo', 'The House on the Hill,' and 'Bleak House.'  In the South Polar Times, after their return, Bowers immortalised it in rhyme as 'The House That Cherry Built.'  On official Antarctic maps, though, it's now labelled Wilson's Igloo and the moraine is Igloo Spur. 

  Our trip to Cape Crozier was a walk in the park – 35 minutes in a helicopter watching the amazing views roll by – and our greatest challenge was finding the landing site, but that was only a question of how close it was to the GPS waymark, rather than whether we could land at all.  We were not exempt from the vagaries of Antarctic weather, however.  When our flight got the green light, the weather at Cape Crozier was 30% cloud with 7-knot winds.  Not your typical Cape Crozier weather, but great weather for helicopters.  By the time we arrived, 35 minutes later, it was 70% cloud, a fog was rolling in, and winds were at 30 knots.  I was warned our time here might be short.  But we set off to see the igloo anyway. 

 The plan had been to build the body of the igloo in stone, then bank up the walls with gravel and snow to make them weatherproof.  Unlike a stereotypical snow-block igloo, it was not a dome, but would be roofed using one of the sledges as a beam, with a canvas sheet spread over it, firmly anchored in the rocks.  This has an Arctic precedent: in Francis McClintock's account of his search for the lost Franklin Expedition in the 1850s, he describes meeting an Inuit woman who lived in a stone igloo of very similar construction.  Cherry's practice igloo at Cape Evans was an admirable structure, but the plan went awry at Cape Crozier, on account of a lack of gravel and all the snow in the vicinity being blown so hard as to be practically ice [261].  They improvised as best they could, chipping some slabs of ice out of the snowbank and leaning them against the exterior walls, but it was not as cosy a structure as they'd hoped, and they ended up stuffing spare socks into some of the larger gaps in the stones to keep out the wind.  This wind, they discovered on their second day of building, was much stronger at the top of the ridge than where they had made camp on the snow.  But the stone walls were more secure than the tent – which was left pitched outside the igloo's door for storage – and heralded a new 'Age of Stone' in which they could get on with their science. 

  It was more than just scientific interest that made a visit to the penguin colony imperative: on their grind to Cape Crozier, they had burned through nearly five of their six cans of oil.  As well as the penguin embryos they came for, they needed to burn some blubber to keep warm in their igloo, so that they could use the last tin of oil for the return journey.  So as soon as their building progress allowed, they scouted a perilous path down a snow drift over the cliffs and through the horrible pressure to reach the Emperor colony.  Instead of the two thousand birds found by the Discovery, there were barely a hundred, and less than half of them apparently had eggs.  Nevertheless, Wilson and Bowers secured five eggs and three birds' skins – the blubber comes off with the skin – and they legged it back to their camp while there was still a modicum of light to see by.  Cherry broke both of the eggs he was carrying in a fall, but they made it back with the remaining three and the blubber, which got its revenge on Wilson by spluttering into his eye from the stove. 

  “Things must improve,” said Bill [Wilson] next day, “I think we reached bed-rock last night.”  We hadn't, by a long way. [272] 

 The igloo is at the opposite end of the moraine from the helicopter landing site, or at least where the GPS told us it was.  There is nothing between the crest of Igloo Spur and the Transantarctic Mountains, hundreds of miles away, and the 30-knot wind flowed over our minor obstruction just like a river: barely any gusts, just a constant flow, solid as water, up and over the ridge and then out towards the sea.  I tried to look out for lichen as I stumbled along, but it was hard to be careful of where I put my feet when I was struggling to keep my balance against the wind.  There were patches of a beige crust – was this lichen or was it a mineral deposit?  Someone shouted that they had found some – it turned out to be black, and crawled along the ground like dinosaur fern.  Once spotted it was obvious, and easier to avoid. 

  A few good minutes' scramble got us to the igloo.  On the way, I saw a small log of petrified wood, shining pale on the chocolate-brown rubble.  This seemed very much out of place on a volcanic island, and I wondered briefly how it had got there, before an answer came: obviously it had blown here.  A joke, perhaps, but not as much of one as you might think: the further out along the ridge we walked, the stronger the wind seemed to be.  At last we reached the remains of Oriana Hut. 

  I should have been humbled, or at least struck with a sense of awe.  But all I could think was: You guys were completely insane. 

 The day after Wilson, Cherry, and Bowers returned from the raid on the Emperors, there was a small blizzard, and the flapping of the canvas roof on the igloo caused them some concern, so they set about weighing it down with blocks of ice and making extra sure it was securely fastened all around.  They pitched the tent right next to the door and put a lot of their gear into it, to make space for themselves in the igloo.  Then, with the weather calm and their bellies full, they settled down to catch up on some precious and hitherto scanty sleep. 

  I do not know what time it was when I woke up.  It was calm, with that absolute silence which can be so soothing or so terrible as circumstances dictate.  Then there came a sob of wind, and all was still again.  Ten minutes and it was blowing as though the world was having a fit of hysterics.  The earth was torn in pieces: the indescribable fury and roar of it all cannot be imagined. 

  “Bill, Bill, the tent has gone,” was the next I remember – from Bowers shouting at us again and again through the door.  …. Journey after journey Birdie and I fought our way across the few yards which had separated the tent from the igloo door.    

  … To get that gear in we fought against solid walls of black snow which flowed past us and tried to hurl us down the slope.  Once started nothing could have stopped us.  I saw Birdie [Bowers] knocked over once, but he clawed his way back just in time.  Having passed everything we could find in to Bill, we got back into the igloo, and started to collect things together, including our very dishevelled minds.[275-6] 

  Not sure when they would be able to eat again, they cooked a meal, and nervously watched the igloo roof.  The problem was not so much that it was in the wind, but that it was just out of it: the wind rushing up the southern slope of the moraine created suction just behind the crest, where the igloo was, and this was pulling the canvas up.  The motion of the canvas shifted the ice blocks weighing it down until they were off.  Then the incessant sucking up and flapping down started to stretch the material; as it stretched it got more play; as it played more the flapping became more violent.  At last the fabric could no longer take the strain and exploded into ribbons, whose frantic lashing in the hurricane sounded like pistol shots. 

  They hurried into their sleeping bags and rolled over so that the flaps were underneath, and huddled while the storm raged overhead. 

  I can well believe that neither of my companions gave up hope for an instant.  They must have been frightened, but they were never disturbed.  As for me I never had any hope at all; and when the roof went I felt that this was the end. [280] 

  And then … they slept.  The blizzard had brought a rise in temperature and the snow drifting over them made a good insulator, so they were more comfortable than they had been for a while, and of course there was nothing else they could do.  There was so much to worry about that there was not the least use in worrying: and we were so very tired. [282]  Occasionally Bowers would thump Wilson and Wilson would move a bit to prove he was alive.  When they were awake they'd sing songs and hymns to pass the time – we sang hymns because they were easier to sing than La Bohême and it was a good thing to sing something.*  Quieter moments might be spent cogitating over how to get back without a tent, but the situation looked pretty hopeless.  When they were thirsty they would pinch a little drift from just outside their bag and eat it, and so staved off the worst, but without a tent, 52 excruciating miles from the nearest shelter at Hut Point, and months away from spring, it seemed only to be delaying the inevitable. 

  Thus impiously I set out to die, making up my mind that I was not going to try and keep warm, that it might not take too long, and thinking I would try and get some morphia from the medical case if it got very bad.  Yes! comfortable, warm reader.  Men do not fear death, they fear the pain of dying. [281] 

  On top of everything, it was Wilson's 39th birthday. 

 I suppose the most surprising thing is that there is anything left of the igloo at all.  Some of the rocks came down when the roof blew open, but the many, many blizzards since then have worked hard to dismantle the rest.  And yet, in the shelter of the walls, protected by the drift that accumulates there, there are still some of the Crozier party's possessions.    

  Standing here, especially in a 30-knot wind, one cannot but think this is a pretty stupid place to build a shelter.  Cherry acknowledges this in his book, but reminds us that they had to build more or less where the rocks were, and the rocks were where the wind kept the snow from accumulating.  They had brought a snow knife to cut snow blocks, Inuit-fashion, but there was no such snow to be had; it was all ice.  And I had an additional insight, thanks to my midnight hike up Arrival Heights: 

 The igloo is built just off the crest of the ridge, exactly like where I was standing when I felt no wind on Arrival Heights.  They would have been very familiar with that ridgeline and had almost certainly observed the same phenomenon, so if they had to pick a spot on a desolate windswept hill, that was, in the circumstances, one of the better ones to pick.  There was a short blizzard their first night back from the Emperors, but aside from the drift blowing through the gaps in the rocks it didn't concern them much; they just had the bad timing to meet a monstrous storm shortly after. I have never heard or felt or seen a wind like this, Cherry wrote, even after having experienced the ferociously windy second winter at Cape Evans, where they feared the hut might blow down, I wondered why it did not carry away the earth. [283]  They had anticipated the wind in the construction of the hut, and the pyramid tent had amply proven its ability to stand up to blizzards in its years of Antarctic service; it was the suction that threw them a curve ball.  When the roof blew into ribbons, it was still firmly anchored in the walls, and even 108 years later, it's still there. 

 The storm first hit on Friday, 21 July; by Monday it was beginning to abate enough that they could speak to each other without too much difficulty.  They hadn't eaten for two days, but the first thing they did was go look for the tent.  When that proved fruitless, they returned and cooked a meal with the tent floorcloth stretched between their heads.  The cooker was full of penguin feathers, burnt blubber, and dirt, but the smell of it was better than anything on earth. 

 When the midday twilight returned, they had another search for the tent.  I followed Bill down the slope.  We could find nothing.  But, as we searched, we heard a shout somewhere below and to the right. They slid down the snow slope and fetched up where Bowers had discovered the tent, which must have closed like an umbrella when sucked off its moorings, and, with so much less surface area, dropped out of the sky only a few hundred yards away.  Our lives had been taken away and given back to us.   

We were so thankful we said nothing. 

If the tent went again we were going with it.  We made our way back up the slope with it, carrying it solemnly and reverently, precious as though it were something not quite of the earth.  And we dug it in as tent was never dug in before ... [284-5] 

 I have read Cherry's account of the Winter Journey several times, 'blind' as it were – in my head, Cape Crozier was a chaotic jumble of ice and rock with no shape I could deduce from the writing.  Unlike the landmarks of McMurdo Sound, and even the Beardmore to some extent, there were no historical photos of the theatre for this action; a few closeups of the igloo appear at the end of Mark Gatiss' 2007 docudrama, but they give no context in respect to the landscape.  This was why it was vitally important I stand there myself.  The moment I realised that ambition, I knew it was more valuable than I could ever have pitched in a grant proposal.  The tiered foothills of Mt Terror to the east, the back of the Knoll, the strip of blue sea visible from the igloo, the 'porcelain teacup' of the hollow between here and there, and most profoundly, how the igloo hangs off the edge of nowhere on this exposed finger of land.  In the midst of a blizzard, with howling drift on all sides as well as above and below, it would be a tiny mote of solidity suspended in the vast blank nothing. 

  My companions must have been a little confused by my behaviour.  I hardly took any photos of the igloo.  It was interesting, for sure, but the state it's in now would not help me much, to draw it how it was then.  I took a lot of photos of the surroundings, but on two sides it was blowing mist so that didn't take very long.  Mostly what I did was sit with my back against a sill of rock near the igloo and just stare and stare and stare.  I wanted to memorize everything – not just where things were, but the wind, the silvery gleam on the snow, the feeling of being utterly at the extremity of all things.  It's one thing to read Cherry's memories, and boggle at the experience; it's quite another to stand where they were made, and be able to measure your own experience against theirs.  Standing there in the light, I could see it dark. Their blizzard would have been blowing twice as hard as the wind that could have knocked me over.  Riding behind Cherry's eyes, memory viewed through the lens of grief and nostalgia, his companions fill the frame, so one does not get a proper sense of how extremely tiny they all were in this vast howling nothing.  And, of course, they had only themselves to get them home, not a waiting helicopter. 

 We had another meal, and we wanted it; and as the good hoosh ran down into our feet and hands, and up into our cheeks and ears and brains, we discussed what we would do next.  Birdie was all for another go at the Emperor penguins.  Dear Birdie, he would never admit that he was beaten – I don't know that he ever really was! … There could really be no common-sense doubt: we had to go back … [285]  They packed what they could that night and got what sleep they could in their horrible icy bags.  The next morning it looked like it was going to start blizzing again; they loaded the camp onto one of the sledges and stashed  in a corner of the igloo what they didn't want or need to take back, along with the other sledge, and set off into a rising wind.  After only a mile or so the weather forced them to camp, and Birdie tied a line from the apex of the tent around the outside of his bag where he slept: if the tent went he was going too. [287] 

  The journey back was still cold, but only hauling one sledge, they made much better time.  The men were exhausted, however, and their equipment suffering from their ordeals, so it didn't afford as much comfort or protection as it had on the way out.  But they were on their way home, and justifiably confident of getting there. 

 It was the helicopter that called time on my visit to Cape Crozier.  The anemometer had clocked 38 knots at one point and nothing looked likely to improve.  In the interest of fuel efficiency, the machine was a nimble fibreglass damselfly, not built to withstand this sort of onslaught, and our pilot was worried for his craft.  So my coordinator came and told me it was time to go.  The trek back was definitely windier than it had been when we arrived, and it felt longer, too, though that may have been because I had my head down, focusing on my footing, rather than looking at lichen and petrified wood.  We piled onto the waiting machine and with no undue delay were back in the air. One last wide loop around Igloo Spur, then we rode the wind seaward, and the igloo on the edge of nowhere vanished in the mist behind. 

  It is extraordinary how often angels and fools do the same thing in this life, and I have never been able to settle which we were on this journey. [273] 

  I understand why they did what they did, and made the decisions they made in context, but I have not let go of that impression that they were completely insane.  I've done pretty crazy things for an abstract goal, and while sleep-deprived, so on one hand I hesitate to judge.  On the other, a tiny unrepresentative sample of the extremity they endured beggars belief that they didn't start the trek home the minute they'd got the eggs, if not a lot sooner.  Surely they noticed that it was horrible?   

  But who is the more foolish here?  They threw themselves into the worst Antarctica had to offer in pursuit of knowledge, which could only be acquired this way.  They may not have known how bad it was going to be, but they knew it would be pretty bad, and went anyway, because they determined it to be worthwhile. 

  We, on the other hand, were only there because they had been there. 

  Correction: I was there because they had been there.  The others would not have been there except for me. 

  So who is the bigger fool? 

*All quotes in this post are from The Worst Journey in the World by Apsley Cherry-Garrard, with corresponding page numbers, except this one, which his from his introduction to Edward Wilson of the Antarctic, p.xiv