#Idrk tbh the rest is kind of mid

[doodle17]

Yknow I’m surprised I haven’t seen SparkleDog-sona’s/Helluva Boss-sona’s of Raz and the gang considering his VA works with Ms. Vizpop

Im hoping they stay FAR away from it. But, I highly doubt it because I think the chances of that happen are slim to none

Look, Richard, my man. I love you, but for the love of God if there are any cameos of his actual GOOD characters in THAT show I'm going to lose it

Keep that shit away from my son

[1shimaru]

gonna just explain my whole day bc I can't get this ugly gut feeling out if I don't >>)

Some Good things that happened before I start, just to balance out the vibes: musical was good! chatted with the bestie a bit, eyeliner was nice, wore a p good outfit w a new shirt I bought, got a new ironing board and other stuff I needed to refill

me and my sib get into a fight in the car re:schedules

parents get into the car with ✨sudden new plans✨

everyone's talking at once, it's terrible + overwhelming, nobody knows what's going on

drop off sib at home, other sib bails, I'm the only one left to go to the ✨sudden new plan✨

as we drive to the location, I'm asked what happened with sib

parents get upset about sib, cut me off mid-story, and drive wildly

(imo the reaction was super unecessary, at least for the amount of story I got through)

~at the ✨sudden new plans✨ Location :/~

have a VERY mini break down in the bathroom bc they'd rather get upset at sib than listen to me? or let me express my frustration ig?? idrk what I wanted tbh

eat lunch quietly, listen to Divorced Dad Songs Playlist bc I'm feeling angsty 😷😷

mom is getting upset with HER sib, which gives her a stomach ache from the stress

after lunch, mom INSISTS on getting gas and going to the store while she is AUDIBLY in pain???

while we get gas, we have a bit of casual conversation, but then she cuts me off for something totally unimportant

"Do you want me to talk at all today?"

"ok [name], you can talk. go ahead."

the connection is gone, I try not to talk to her the rest of the day

~We drop off my mom at home, and leave the house to cool off from everything, returning at dinner time~

after settling in, I watch a musical!! :D

I wear my headphones so my sibs don't get annoyed by my content (I always do this)

I try to keep my reactions to a minimum/quiet, because last night I scared them with a loud gasp...

One particular moment got me out of my chair!! This moment warrants me pausing the media and expressing happiness to my siblings!! I would love to shout it to the rooftops kind of excitement!

Unfortunately, I was too Loud in expressing my Joy, and couldn't hear that I was being Annoying with my Excitement :'((((

When I talk to them, they look at me with a dull, annoyed expression

I realize nobody wants to hear about my Exciting Musical News :///

"I'll just sit back down"

"No, go, talk."

the connection is gone, I don't want to anymore, but it'll make it worse if I make a big deal out of it, so I explain quickly and try to get back to the video

It's hard to focus/enjoy watching now. I wish I could go on a walk, but it's 9pm

Basically it's like, damn nobody wants to hear me talk today 😭😭

tacking on a rant:

but hate hate it (specifically at the end of the day) when I'm actively trying to be small!! in my own home!! and *i* don't get to express fun!! my sibs get to have their music playing out loud at all times!! why is it bad when *i* make noise!! why bad for [aaron]!! why is [aaron] at fault!! how is that fair!! rrghhh it's like, only the GOOD noises, THEIR noises, are ok, it's SO important that we see THEIR noises FIRST. i'm wailing here!!!

[markyishanthonymartinez]

1/19/17

i don't think i need to intro these (as a type an intro), but i’m gonna start jotting down thoughts, feelings, activities, you name it, that i feel each day. these aren’t essays. think of this as a diary, (or journal for those men less comfortable with their sexuality). leggo.

i woke up with the same nerves i’ve had for weeks.

oh shit wait um probably not going to use names in these, just to be safe. we’ll do high school code for girls to name everyone. will be obvious enough, but just cryptic enough as well.

anyways

i woke up nervous, well rested (actually ridiculously well rested i slept like a baby prince (assuming baby princes get to indulge in being royalty but not actually having governmental duties)) but yeah nervous. i sent some risqué snapchats last night and you just never know how they’ll be received. but tbh i’ll probably send my wife a nude and be nervous she won't like it lmao. so like it’s mainly just the matter of sending or saying or doing risqué that leads to nervousness, but i guess that’s a major part of sex appeal in general. like there’s just something extra hot of doing something you definitely want to do, but would never talk about or tell others about and stuff. i got so far off topic. but yeah just imagine me checking my phone every 5 seconds to see if they had been opened. cause idk, we all like to get favorable reviews lol. funny i say that cause idrk what the reviews were lol. rip me. oh and then my sister came into my room and threw a package on my face and i got so excited cause packages are always so great. it was from american apparel. they got bought out. rip. i bought two pairs of underwear and a baseball tee. except kinda bummed cause i got a white/pink baseball tee and i thought the pink would be a bit more pastel, but it’s pretty bright and idk if i can pull that off, but we’ll see i guess. also, speaking of underwear and risqué photos, would girls enjoy receiving a picture of a guys butt? like i promise i’m not hank hill, if anything my butt is one of my most complimented features. (i’ve learned to appreciate it now, but it used to make me feel so awkward when girls would compliment it). anyways is that something girls are into???? or is that just weird? or like how do you pose? or like do you wear underwear? lmao WHAT HAS THIS BLOG BECOME I’M SO SORRY I’M JUST TOSSING OUT WHATEVER POPS INTO MY HEAD. but yeah idk i feel like there has to be a sense of tastefulness with this kind of stuff and idk if this falls into the tasteful area. this is the kind of stuff that keeps me up at night.

wait also i just realized this blog is making it sound like i just send dick pics to every girl in my snapchat list and i’m some seasoned veteran. 1. that is the most disgusting thing ever and pretty much rape 2. i’m not disgusting or a rapist 3. this is quite literally the second person i’ve ever sent anything risqué to. 

continuing

i get up and ready for the day and eat breakfast and hygiene and normal morning stuff. ya’know. i edit for a bit which is normal for my mornings. i got adventurous and sang for a while. i’ve been singing along to state champs’ “the acoustic things” record quite a bit recently. derek’s vocals are a challenge, but with proper breathing and posture and technique i can just about hang around. and i really like that record. and it’s fun. so yeah, been hella jammin’. i then revamped and updated my résumé cause that’s just something you should do decently often and i hadn’t recently and like internship search is full speed ahead starting asap, but more on that later. mj got home from school, he’s had half days cause finals. wait they don't call them finals. semester exams? yeah. that’s it. but yeah i know why he’s home, but i still make sure to ask him why he’s home so early every day just to be annoying and stuff. he fed my fish (he always does). we all ate lunch together and watched the barcelona vs real sociedad game. barça won 1-0. neymar drew a penalty. it was pretty ugly defending. v typical barça cup-game win. mj and i watched youtube for a while and then we played fifa together. i’m so glad he has an xbox now. i’ve dearly missed playing with him and this lets us have that much more communication and quality time while i’m away, doing something we enjoy. i was kinda trash today lol, oh but i did have a hat trick and a perfect 10 rating in one game, but other than that i was in struggle town. then i got off, it’s always funny saying bye to joey on xbox cause like it’s not actually bye cause he’s right down the hall. 

(hold on telling elmo to shhhhhhh)

back. he isn't shhhhhhh-ing (i had to make sure that had the right amount of h’s). oh but yeah then i hung out listening to music that i should stop being lazy about and review. and then i started grinding on internship applications. i hate applications. i hate the fact that anyone would ever be able to develop an opinion about me without seeing my face and speaking to me in person. despite all my swagginess, i’ve quite literally always felt underestimated my entire life so it sucks even more in these situations. but yeah nevertheless most of them are really just sending them your résumé and crossing your fingers, but having a cute-ass résumé and a dank email will hopefully be my ticket in. i did threeeeee, i think 3? one being pa’s current workplace so hopefully i can get the in. the other one is like looking for an intern to help with the process of them moving their facility so that’s kinda depressing cause like oh yeah come help us move away from reno so you can't work for us anymore. they're moving to georgia like nah sry fam. but i mean i’d take it if it’s all i could get, most certainly. and the final being (gulps) tesla. *shivers* tesla’s like life goals. not just for internships, but like that would hopefully give me some sort of pathway to actually getting hired by them after college and i think you could kill me at that point cause i’d have a fulfilled life. am kidding. but really, that’s pretty much career goals. i don't really expect it, cause idk i’m not that special, but gotta shoot my shot. apjofijelkahg now i’m thinking how perfect my life would be if i could work for tesla. i’ve been heart eyes about that entire company since high school when i first heard about the roadster. uggggh. wow what is wrong with me. quite literally the first thing that pops into my mind after thinking about graduating and career and making money and cool stuff is getting married to a total babe that lets me send her pictures of my butt and having little baby marks running around. is that bad? jk there’s nothing wrong with me. that’s (fingers crossed) v realistic and like idk, life comes at you fast. people generally like having the whole relationship part of it set up around their mid twenties in order to start havin’ lil babies not too long after that. 

oh god i got so off topic and this has taken so long. so pretty much i did internship searching and applying and then decided to take a break, during which i finally convinced myself to start this journal/blog/diary thing. this was an absolute train wreck of a post but it felt really good to just unwind, take a seat and write everything that popped into my mind today. hopefully i’ll keep doing this. 

final thoughts: i’ve recently realized how much i like peter pan. like obviously the movie, but the characters and the storylines and a lot of the vibes are things i can totally relate to, even more so now then when i was a kid. maybe i’ll watch it again tomorrow. what else is a lost boy to do? not grow up, that’s for sure.

always do fun things. and stay beautiful

- mark anthony martinez