#Id still husband him ngl

[crovoroh]

what a pitty to behold

Rest now, tormented soul

[bunnyb34r]

Trying to undo the damage of Facebook w/o risking your relationship with a loved one is like defusing a fucking bomb sometimes I stg

[mothmans-cumrag]

Guys the husband of my gay dad-friend (said gay dad-friend turned 50 last week so I am guessing his husband is around the same age) just complimented my new voice, told me how manly I now look and sound, that he is into men (no shit, sherlock) and then bought me a beer?!

And later when we were saying goodbye he gently held my chin and told me to keep on being myself before hugging me?!?! What does that mean?!?!?!

[brah-hella]

.

[moonzfics]

You have called for more req so I am here to answer😏. Can I please req a Ken sato one about him trying to get reader to play baseball with him and emi even though reader doesn’t care for sports. I don’t really care for sports Ngl but if Kenji was my boyfriend or husband id damn we’ll be at all those games cheering him on📢📢. NUMBER ONE FAN🤭. Hope you are having a good morning, day, or night💕💕.

ofcc!! also sorry for the wait I had to make an announcement rq hope you enjoy <33

Ken Sato with a Non Sports Reader♡

✦ . ⁺ I feel like Ken would be like, "What? Why don't you like sports you can literally get active"

ᯓ✦ He respects that you don't like sports but if he feels like you aren't really getting some fresh air, he makes you train with him and Emi :]

✦ . ⁺ Ken would try to make you at least get into baseball a little. He would teach you some of the basics of baseball and try to see what you learned by playing with you a little.

ᯓ✦ When he gets home from his games, Ken would be telling you allll about it. Even though you don't really understand his methods in baseball, you still stay supportive for him <33

✦ . ⁺ If you do end up getting into baseball at least a little, Ken would be SO eager to let you come to some of his games sometimes!! [he definitely gets you the best seats there bc he's a king<3]

creds to @cutewebgraphics for the blue divider <33

[socksandbuttons]

NGL ID PROBABLY BE HIDING FROM HIM MANS IS TERRIFYING (but def still husband material)

terrifying husband who will u hold u gently <33333

[commanderquinn]

Good Space Chapter 3: Hey Gringo

! i dont! keep these posts! updated! like i do! ao3!

that means you're going to find typos and shit (and possibly minor detail changes) that don't match the ao3 version! that's because im not going to bother fixing the tumblr posts until i finish good space as a whole. im only uploading them here as a backup tbh

—

master list / ao3 chapter link

—

warnings: ayyy!! none this time!! unless you wanna count Highly Disrespectful Thoughts ❤️ tho!!! the flashbacks are shuri, heads up for anyone who is a big baby (like me) and still crying over WF. also (shocker) bucko angst/panic attacks

song: it KALEO time!! istg there are golden oldies and hippie classics on this intended playlist, we just havent gotten to them yet. this choice is mega self-indulgent on my end ngl, buuuuut thats the whole fic in general lbr (side note: every time i write Angy Ava, i want you to imagine the vocal intensity of jefferson airplane’s lead singer, grace slick)

the timing of this chapter could NOT have been better with the probably-russian hackers knocking out ao3 that long. i mean it dude, im pretty sure the universe had a good chuckle over this one bc i sure as shit had to sit here and go “youre pullin my leg bud”

also now feels like a good time to mention, for absolutely no reason in particular (definitely not bc of Bucky being a Huge Simp this chapter), that i hc bucky as a dom with service top leanings. i just didnt wanna give the impression that reader is dom for this and accidentally get anyones hopes up with no payoff. i try to avoid that as much as i can bc god knows i drop Big Honkers on y’all every damn chapter, id hate for you to get all the way to the end of this and not get your cookie, y’know? (i am, ofc, down to write mega sub bucky for smut-shot requests)

also remember when i mentioned giving ava a HANDFUL of physical details for writing fuel? 🌝 (ur gonna think im funny rlly soon, dw)

anyways if you dont have adhd, good luck and god speed with the idiots thinkin abt each other in this chapter ❤️ im so sorry in advance 🥺😔

—

Febuary 17th, 2015

"Good morning, Sh—"

"Have you left your worthless husband yet?" Shuri impatiently taps a finger against her elbow, where her arms are crossed over her chest. 

She watches Ava sigh on the other end of the vidcall. The woman looks too tired. She needs rest. Shuri wants to stab Alec all over again. She's going to make a new, self-lacing, possibly electrified dagger just for the occasion. "I know you're just trying to—"

"We can come to get you. I will send T'Challa. You must promise me that you will have him get me something from Washington." Shuri raises a stern finger, pointing it directly at the camera. "Do not let him pick it out himself—"

"Shuri, honey, I love you with all my heart, but please—"

"I want you to pick it. The furniture in your office is ridiculous; I want something like that."

A smile far too small pulls at the corners of Ava's lips. Her smile used to move freely, and it will do so again if Shuri has any say in the matter. Which she does. "Well, thank you, I work very hard to keep it ridiculous. Now—"

"It will make me think of you whenever you are not around to make fun of my brother with me. My mother will get the lawyers you need to start your divorce—"

"I—sweetheart, please, it's been a very long night—"

"It is the afternoon where you are. You have not even had breakfast, have you? Of course not. You are busy doing the work while Alec—"

"Shuri!" Ava puts a hand over her eyes and takes an unsteady breath in. "I'm sorry. This is—it's been a long night. I didn't mean to yell at you—"

"You need to start yelling much more, Ava. Aim it at your worthless husband while you tell him you are leaving," Shuri argues, entirely fed up with how the doctor allows the spineless dickhead to make her miserable. "T'challa will remove him for you while you stay here with us."

Alec—she refuses to call him Ryder; the man does not deserve to have taken the doctor's name—leans into the camera view, his expression bored. Dismissive. Shuri wants to smash his wrinkling, greasy face in with her fist. "While I appreciate the offer, your majesty, my wife and I can handle our private life alone."

Shuri glares back at him, one of her eyebrows hiked as far up as she can comfortably get it. "Do you really think being aware of your presence on this call will deter me from reminding my friend that you are a demon?" She looks pointedly at Ava, who's still covering her eyes. "He is a demon. A pasty, rude demon."

"Alec is going to shut the fuck up now, I promise." The fingers over Ava's eyes pull in until she's pinching the bridge of her nose tightly. She looks as if she's fighting off a migraine. She probably is. And it is Alec's fault. "That way, we can get this over with, and I can finally get some sleep—"

"Which you need and are not getting enough of." The words slip out before Shuri can stop them. 

Ava's shoulders deflate slightly. Her hand drops, and she attempts another smile that doesn't reach her eyes, making Shuri feel a pang of guilt. "No, I'm not. But I will, just as soon as we finish the basic adaptation matrix. I promise."

Ava always encourages her to speak her mind, no matter what. Sometimes it gets her into trouble. She is not looking to berate her favorite Canadian; she loves leaving the vidcomm between their labs on. The open connection is a comforting window into the outside, one that lets Shrui indulge in any question or raving that passes through her mind. 

Alec is a poison in her friend's life, and Shuri will not back down from reminding her of that. But mother and Nakia have sat with her over this, explaining that sometimes, an abused heart will cling to what hurts it. They have to be supportive while Ava works through this. She's getting there. Just not nearly fast enough for Shuri's patience.

Father has been reminding them all that Alec is a risk, given what he knows. Trusting Ava means trusting her for the duration, and they can't go back now. If she says she is handling the issue of separating the man from her work, they have to allow her room to do that. But T'Challa has been ordered to keep close, or at the very least, ready to go.

As much as she despises Alec, Shuri does not wish to see Ava hurt in this. Not any more than necessary. She is also not interested in trying to control her friend the way her mother sometimes tries to control her. It is infuriating. 

So, taking a deep breath and squaring her shoulders, she lets some of the fight leave her. For the sake of Ava, not the pasty demon. "I have the latest build ready for transfer." 

"You're sure you've secured the connection on your end?" Alec has the audacity to question, even outside of the frame. "I'm not interested in spending my week chasing traces of this—"

"Do I look as if I will hesitate to strike you, colonizer?!"

—

"I'm just saying, Humpty Dumpty."

"Fuck off," Bucky wheezes at the billionaire, compressing the towel he grabbed from his new medkit against his ribs. Why he expected to make it through his first mission back without having to crack it open, he's not entirely sure now that he's sitting in the hindsight. Getting shot today was, if he's honest with himself, entirely predictable. It's his luck, after all. 

"We let you out of the house again for five minutes, and you've already broken yourself." Tony shakes his head as he tsk's, making Bucky roll his eyes lazily. "What's Ryder going to think? If you keep this up, you'll give the woman a complex about draining your mojo."

"She's going to think I throw myself in front of armor-piercing rounds for idiots that don't notice when they're being shot at." The mention of Ava brings the doctor's smiling face to the forefront of his mind. Bucky leans back against the Quinjet's co-pilot seat, letting his eyes fall closed. 

He could take care of this latest injury himself. That's what he usually does. Thanks to the serum, all he has to do is keep the wound clean for a few hours while his body stitches itself back together. Nothing's broken, and he'd be in much more pain if anything were punctured. Hell, he'd probably be dead already. The fix for this is so easy it'll practically handle itself.

"You always get so cranky after you've played the hero." He hears Tony kick his feet up on the Quinjet's main controls. "Take a breather. Maybe a bow or two. Believe it or not, it's possible to accept a compliment now and then."

"Grandstand more often, got it."

Ava's probably going to hear about today's incident now that Bucky thinks about it. If anything, Steve's going to make sure of it. He doubts she'd guilt him for not being comfortable with an optional trip to medical. They've been having more conversations about boundaries and comfort, and she's been unwaveringly supportive of him moving at his own pace. 

"You don't have to grandstand, you gigantic baby," Natasha chides from between the chairs. Her hand smacks against his shoulder, making Bucky grunt softly. "A whole new world is going to open up for you when you relearn to accept praise."

Tony snorts, long and loud. "Has he reached that stage of modern education yet?"

"I reached that stage of education before you were born, Stark." Bucky's not territorial over his reputation anymore; those days are long since passed. The grand majority of his mojo got left in the 40s. He's just tired of Tony's shit. That's all it is.

He shifts uncomfortably in his seat. Ava might feel bad that he didn't come to her for something like this. He doesn't... want that. He doesn't want her thinking that he doesn't welcome her help or that he doesn't trust it. He... he does. He doesn't just appreciate having the option; he enjoys it. The new routine is a breeze, and his neck feels better than it ever has. At least that he can remember.

"I'm confused," Tony mumbles around a mouthful of snacks. The man never stops eating. "Are we talking about your no-no years, or did you and Rogers hit up underground bars before Germany?"

"I know all his secrets from the vanilla days; they never went to any of the fun ones," Natasha confirms. It's not like Bucky was going to take the verbal bait anyways. Steve still falls for it regularly. 

"I like how you don't deny having the rest of the answer; I feel like it tells me all I can tolerate about the icicles when it comes to this. That's my favorite part about you, Romanoff. You know when I don't need to know, you know?"

His dumbass friends might as well be background noise with Bucky's mind this firmly in the memory of Ava's office. She's been so good to him, especially over this last week while she pushed through all the red tape for him. He'd been expecting it to take an eternity of hounding Steve all by his lonesome, but she got him back in the field in under two weeks. His best friend had actually been kind of pissy about it behind closed doors. For Bucky, it was like getting sprinkles on top of his cake. 

He's been thinking about getting flowers delivered to her lab for the trouble. It feels like too much whenever his thumb hovers over the confirmation button. He's reached the part of staring at the order details four times.

"I'm pretty sure your country doesn't appreciate it as much as you do. They tend to fight cold wars over it."

"Well, yeah, but our country—you see what I did there? That was a pretty funny communism joke. And it works as a reminder for both of us that you're actually an American citizen these days; isn't that wild? Back to the point here, our country fights wars over stuff we do ourselves all the time, so that doesn't feel like a fair reason to dismiss our friendship."

The doctor's forcing him to expand his music library. Her taste there is as scattered as her taste in movies, but she's got some leading themes he's been able to pin down. The 60s and 70s are huge for her, expectedly, and she's got a lot of nostalgia over the 90s. Paige keeps her versed in all things pop, folk, and country, according to her. 

"If I start referring to the US as my country, you people will expect me to do things like register to vote. Or put up wallpaper."

"I don't think anyone's expecting you to be legally allowed to do that. The voting thing, not the wallpaper. In most states. For multiple reasons. Although, the wallpaper might be a good call."

Ava invited him to their absurdly large archive of playlists during his second session. The ones Paige curates are nothing but insanity. Not one of them makes a lick of sense. Bucky decided that he should have expected that, given her Energizer Bunny reputation. Ava's are less scattered; more organized. Soothing for his mind to digest. He's been using them as workout music ever since. And driving music. And general background noise. 

"I don't think I'd know where to start buying wallpaper. Do you even want me putting that shit on your expensive building?"

"Not really, but the idea of walking in on you rolling paste on the living room walls is worth anything it could take to fix them later."

God, she's funny, too. He could listen to the woman's awful, soul-crushing puns and subsequent cackling for hours. He'll never say that to her face, not for as long as he lives, but they've made him feel lighter every morning that he's gone to let her work him over. He's already stolen two of them to torture Sam with. Another thing he's not going to tell her.

"Maybe I should start smaller. Bruce keeps suggesting a car that has legal registration."

"Heeey, that could work. You'll be signing up for mailing lists and bitching about state tax in no time. You know what?" He hears Tony snap his fingers. "We should get you a houseplant. Work you up to having a fish or something."

Alright. Maybe he'll go to Ava. He doesn't want her to think he's trying to blow off her expertise again. Or that he's avoiding her. He's not; he really does like hanging out in her office. Even if it's technically a medical appointment. He's a lot more eager to visit her than his therapists, that's for sure.

"I am not paying taxes," Natasha scoffs. "If you think I'm tying a legal address to my name, you're out of your fucking mind. Moreso than usual."

"You don't think you'd enjoy having a cave to lurk in?"

"What makes you think I don't have one already?"

"I'm talking about a real house, not a safe house."

This injury isn't related to his cybernetics. It's his ribs, well below any of his implants. He's not entirely out of the loop when it comes to what doctors have to do to get their licenses. She no doubt had to pull a lot of hard hours during her residency. Maybe she doesn't want to patch up the tower's notorious grouch every time he takes a hit. But he doubts she'd ever be impolite enough to refuse him walking in.

"I have my space here: bathroom, laundry room, small kitchen. If I haven't bothered decorating that, what makes you think I'll want to do it for an entire house?"

"Aww, come on. Look at Ryder! She's having all kinds of fun making her place as obnoxious as possible. That could be you after a few online shopping sprees."

Bucky's eyes open slowly, his brows drawing in when the second verbal mention of Ava pulls parts of his attention back to the conversation. 

Fuck, not going to medical still leaves the option of her taking offense. Okay. Alright. So, he'll split the difference and go to emergency intake. He's pretty sure she's listed as his surgical contact in the tower now—he can't stomach looking at his own medical file, not even the written records. Any injury this big will get flagged for trauma support, and she'll be notified. Then it's up to her what she wants to do. That feels like a good compromise.

"She's doing that to reclaim it from Alec; that's different. I don't have the same motivation. For me, it's just going to be extra work.

"Who's Alec?" Bucky asks without thinking. If the universe doesn't hate him today, Natasha's just going to assume he's being his usual kind of paranoid.

"She hasn't mentioned him?" Tony sounds surprised. "Alec's her ex-husband."

Ex-husband? She was married? And she's not anymore, meaning she might be—

He shuts down that train of thought immediately. 

Reclaiming the space of her house implies they lived in it long enough to form some heavy memories. She hasn't mentioned having a kid, and she strikes him as the type to bring up something like that pretty fast. So it was just the two of them, most likely.

"People usually don't like talking about the egocentric sack of shit they used to coexist with," Natasha points out. Of course, she already knows about the doctor's history. It's her.

"Bad divorce?" he prods, trying not to sound overly invested in the answer. These assholes will take it as an invitation.

"Oh, the worst," Tony confirms. "Shithead tried fighting her on it tooth and nail. She had to borrow my legal team just to get the guy to fuck off and leave her alone. He even kept her surname after the divorce; can you believe that?"

An uneasy feeling starts to rise in his gut, making Bucky look over at him. Then up at Natasha. "What kind of won't leave her alone are we talking about?"

"Down, fido, my lawyers took care of it. There's no need to start tailing him. Aside from being a self-absorbed asshole that insists they'll," Tony's voice turns scornful as his fingers form air quotes, "work things out with time, he's toothless." 

"She's got concealed carry permits she earned properly if that makes you feel better," Natasha offers up. The thought does help ease the tension building in him. 

He won't read Ava's file, no matter how bad the buzzing gets. But he might check in with JARVIS about her home security. He's noticed her name on the system logs. She, or at least her house, is linked to SHIELD's network despite her general distrust of the organization. He understands the opposing priorities completely.

He caved and read Wyatt's file two nights ago. The buzzing had been building since Ava mentioned him wanting an autograph, and it finally got to be too much. Nothing's lurking there aside from an impressive list of historians from all the fuck over Georgia and Alabama. The kid's got more family than some towns have population. 

Bucky leans forward with a muted groan to change the autopilot's intended LZ of the Avenger's balcony to the entrance hanger for medical. If he's going to grit his teeth through the antiseptic over a couple small holes, he's damn sure not going to haul his ass through half the tower while his ribs leak. His patience has limits, and that's pretty fucking far over the starting line. 

Tony looks over at him with a deep, suspicious frown. Bucky frowns at him right back with the same level of scrutiny. He can feel Natasha staring a hole into the side of his head, even if he can't catch her in his peripherals. He hates both of them with a passion at the moment. He knows what's about to happen—

"Did you just… prioritize your own health," Tony questions like he's baffled by the very idea. His whole upper body turns in the seat as he looks up at Natasha excitedly. "Oh my god. He's doing it. All by himself." He raises a hand to his chest and looks back at Bucky. "They grow up so fast."

It's good that the autopilot is on. If it weren't, Bucky would be tempted to crash them out of spite, mostly because he's sure he'd survive it. "Very funny."

"All it took was a hippie that gives him candy," Natash adds, her voice dripping with smugness. "Who knew."

"Both of you can fuck off." Bucky doesn't like how close she just got to his primary motivation on the first try. Old habits die hard, et cetera. And he hates that he can't tell if she was trying to guess. If he's lucky, which he isn't, she was just making fun of him.

Natasha knows about his visits to the florist's website; he's fucking convinced of it now. He doesn't know how, and he can't outright call her on it. If he does, he could fuck up and make himself right. There is nothing worse than having the Black Widow as metaphorical family. Not even Steve's hovering.

She and Tony harass him for the remainder of the flight. It's not long, mercifully, and he's starting to regret not grabbing something for the doctor. They were in Montreal, of all places, so it would have been fitting. He figures she'll understand once he shows her his side. The train of thought makes him wonder what part of Canada she's originally from. She hasn't brought it up.

His foot is already bouncing by the time he reaches the elevator. He's still got the surgical towel shoved tightly against his ribs. He hopes she gets there fast if she ends up taking the call. The last thing he wants to do right now is sit around in the burn of antiseptic and bleach while he fights off the urge to bolt. 

This is good, Bucky reminds himself as he takes his first few steps into medical. He's sat through plenty of trips to emergency intake. He can handle walking into his first optional one. It's a non-issue. Completely.

When JARVIS informs him that his file and general vital scan have been submitted for intake, the buzzing gets so intense that he almost leaves. The pace of his sergeant walk, as Sam likes to designate it, slows to a crawl. Then he thinks about a doctor with concealed carry permits. One that lets her house be monitored by a government organization she's actively pushing herself to trust. All in an effort to contribute something good to the world. The buzzing eases, and he picks up his pace, headed for the solo observation room JARVIS listed for him.

There's no moment of standing involuntarily from nerves this time. He doesn't have to force himself to sit back down and wait, even though the room smells wrong. His skin is crawling, and he wants nothing more than to put a throwing knife in his hand like a goddamn security blanket. But he doesn't panic. He doesn't try leaving.

Baby steps.

When the door opens, it's devastating. There's no diminutive hippie with UFO-sized glasses smiling at him on the other side of it. It's a guy in a plain white lab coat without artistic stitching, one that Bucky's never met before in his life. He's already squinting down at a tablet, meaning this will be his doctor for the duration.

This was the worst plan he could have possibly conceived. The universe is humbling him for thinking he could get away with something like this without some kind of suffering. He just wanted to make up for being dismissive of her help initially. Now he gets to sit through this. How fucking grand.

"Barnes?" The doctor that's not Bucky's doctor looks up, his heart rate elevating by a few notches. He's putting in a lot of effort to look confident. It's not exactly working. "I'm Dr. Erickson. I'm guessing you're here for the bullet wounds JARVIS detected?"

"Yup." Bucky's not about to volunteer for small talk at the moment. It's a miracle he hasn't jumped off the biobed yet. "Where's Ryder?"

"Your primary is in a staff meeting at the moment." Erickson puts his tablet down on the supply cabinet's main counter. He's already starting to gather what he needs, leaving Bucky to figure out real quick if he's actually willing to do this. "Don't worry; I'll get you sewn up and on your way in no time."

He doesn't want it getting back to Ava that he bailed the moment she couldn't show up. He doesn't want to leave her with the impression that he's only going to take on medical care if it's her; that's not anywhere near fair. The woman is a brain surgeon, not his private physician. He can grow the fuck up and accept help from people that haven't gone through his gauntlet of verification.

"Great," he pushes out, lifting the side of his undershirt to offer an unobstructed view.

It's not great; it's fucking horrendous. The first touch of the new doctor makes the overly physical memory of the buzzing build so high, he can feel it in his teeth. They're not actually rattling in his jaw the way they did back then, he knows that, but it doesn't matter because his body is screaming at him that it's happening.

The first stitch going through his skin makes him want to put his fingers through the doctor's eye sockets. His mind goes over all the ways he can violently put at least ten feet between them without having to get up. Looking back, it's probably good he didn't reach for the throwing knives. He's not unhinged enough to stab someone unprovoked; he's better than that. But they'd have been distracting to his impulse control, that's for sure.

Dr. Handsy is pulling the first suture in tight when the door to the observation room opens again. Bucky doesn't look up, his eyes locked on a random point on the far wall while he focuses on his breathing. He only looks over when a billowing, maroon pant leg enters his peripheral.

Thanks to a bunch of dead Nazi scientists that used to hide out in the mountains of Russia, Bucky Barnes has a trigger in his brain that is entirely out of his control. One that, when activated by his own interest, lets him process his surroundings in a sliver of the time that it should for a human mind. It is exceptionally helpful in the field. 

Watching Ava Ryder walk in, wearing a suede jumpsuit that mercilessly frames her curves, proves to him that having it in the 30s would have gotten him shot by someone's father. Definitely before he left Brooklyn. Or before he got chased out by several fathers banding together with baseball bats. In the time it takes her hand to come off the door handle and make its way to her hip, his mind goes on one hell of a fucking journey.

He already had more than a vague idea of the shape of her before now; he can't help it. Comes with the territory of doing threat assessment for a living. God knows his eyes have slipped down to her chest on a shameful amount of occasions. Her tits are being held up and pushed together fucking beautifully at the moment. Typically, that would hold all of his attention.

But this is the first unobstructed view of her that he's gotten, thanks to the lab coat being nowhere in sight, and good fucking god. Holy fucking shit. Godfuckingdamn.

She's half turned from him at this angle, so he's only getting a side view. That's more than enough to show off an obscenely rounded ass and the cushy thighs it rests on that are going to haunt his fucking dreams. It's bigger than his hands by a margin that's outright glorious. The mental image of his fingers digging into it, of how it would make her skin dip under the pressure, makes his blood race.

He can't spot the outline of any underwear at first. Then her hand makes contact with the jumpsuit, and his eyes pick up on it. Right there, above the top of her finger, pulled up high over her hipbone. There's a thin band leaving an impression in the fabric. An extraordinarily thin band. There is nothing else in sight.

Pulled between Ava's legs, right at this very moment in time, is a strip of fabric that Bucky's tongue would fit against perfectly. Right under that is a taste he's been catching himself wondering about for two weeks now. One good, long drag of his nose. That's all it would take to push in whatever she's picked out for the day and soak it with that taste. He could get it back out from between her lips with his tongue, pull it to the side with his teeth to give himself room to feast—

Bucky tries to shift his weight as nonchalantly as possible while his brain slows back down. The comeback from tactical analysis is always jarring, with this one being especially so. 

He's the worst kind of bastard. An awful, selfish, perverted sonofabitch. There's not shit he can do to change that. How unfortunate.

"David," Ava greets, the name coming out as tense as the closed smile plastered on her face. "You can put that down."

The other doctor doesn't look up from the work his hands are doing. "That you, Ava? I heard you were—"

"Now."

Bucky's back straightens up as David looks at her nervously, taken aback. Bucky doesn't blame him; he didn't know her voice could get that forceful.

David sort of laughs, which feels like the worst possible choice to Bucky. But, hey, not his call. "What, do you want me to just—"

"I want your hands off my patient right now. I'm not asking." She watches with unwavering intensity as the other doctor lets the needle and thread drop from his hands. She visibly bristles at the patronizing expression on David's face, her head tilting aggressively. Bucky kind of wants to watch her hit him. "I'll be back in less than a minute, sergeant. I need a word outside with Dr. Erikson."

"Take your time," Bucky assures, the tension bleeding out of him already. His ribs are leaking, and there's a piece of doctor floss looped through his skin that he's going to have to cut out of himself tomorrow morning. The immoral evaluation of her outfit that his head threw at him is going to eat him alive. Forever. Especially when he's trying to fall asleep for the foreseeable future. 

All things considered, though, he feels fan-fucking-tastic.

David still looks somewhat shell-shocked, and there's real insult starting to creep into his posture, but the guy doesn't argue. He follows Ava back out of the room, not bothering with a goodbye in Bucky's direction. When the door closes behind them, his super hearing picks up on Ava reaming David about prioritizing patients before ego. She goes into detail about the deep shit he'll be in with her if he keeps ignoring her written orders, long before it ever gets him fired. She tacks on why her anger should scare him a hell of a lot more than the idea of that. Then she instructs him to keep his damn hands off her patients and get back to the intake desk. 

The protective streak makes Bucky's chest feel warm, a half-smile pulling at his lips. She's a handful, alright. One he'd give anything to be brave enough to send flowers to.

Ava is calm, cool, and collected when she leans back in through the doorframe, hanging off it with a soft smile. "Hiya, stranger. I hear you picked a fight in my motherland today."

"I hear it has an arms dealer problem. I wanted to see if I could help." He gestures down at the needle swinging from his ribs without looking at it. "Not all Canadians are as welcoming as you, turns out."

"Eh?" she fires back, hamming up the accent. "Wellll, I'm not about to let a few cranky arms dealers tarnish our reputation. What do you say you push that bandage against your new bragging rights, and we head for my office?"

Licking his bottom lip nervously, he tries to give her a confident smile. "You were busy with something."

"Not too busy for my favorite popsicle." One eyebrow raises sternly. "You are not allowed to tell Steve I'm playing favorites." God, she's cute when she tries to deflect. It's never worked. At least not on him.

"That's—" Shit, where to even find the fucking words for her. "You don't have to do this. Go out of your way like this. I don't mind getting patched up by random medics. Comes with the job."

Her smile turns impish. "That's cool and all, but I mind when people ignore basic ethics just to have a story about stitching up an Avenger. If you need to tell yourself I'm using you as fuel for a workplace pissing contest, go for it. Whatever gets you off that biobed." She leans back, leaving the door open wide behind her. "Come on; I can't stand the way they organize these damn shelves. I wouldn't patch you up in here even if you did pay me. Next time, head for my office first."

Bucky does as she ordered, pushing the surgical towel she packed for him against his side, not minding the sting in the least. He swallows down the point that, by every definition there is, he's not an Avenger. "I'll follow you, doc."

—

"Alright," Wyatt plops his hands down on the glass of the holo, his expression determined. His tight curls bounce with the motion, making their resident gumdrop look adorable, even through the discomfort. "Let's get to dissectin' this cacophony. All in one go, preferably, so I don't feel like yackin' up my lunch two days runnin'."

Ava's head tilts sympathetically. "Oh, honey, tell me you didn't—"

His hand comes up, with his index finger pointed to the ceiling. "Nope. But I got close a couple'a times thinkin' about this." He mutters several things under his breath about creepy Nazi bastards while he pulls up the raw data from Bucky's implants. "All the more reason to get it the hell over with."

"A whole day of digging through coded war crimes," Hannah deadpans quietly, raising a steaming mug to her lips. "I'm glad we get the fun assignments."

"You'd ditch us if we didn't," Ava jokes. She scrolls through the sergeant's file absentmindedly on her tablet, reviewing the vitals added just a few hours ago. He actually came to medical. For something as minor as a field injury. Of his own volition.

"Mmm. I don't know. It's pretty fun watching a brain move like Jell-O. You might have been able to convince me to stick around just for that."

SHIELD's primary system makes a blaring noise of disagreement as Wyatt loads the main file structure. He frowns, looking over at Ava with concern. "Its askin' for administrative override."

"Heeey, that's that thing Tony says I'm not supposed to abuse. That's probably not a good sign." Ava pushes her glasses further up the bridge of her nose and leans over to get a look at the error. "JAR, I'd like some reassurance we're not about to trigger an ancient LoJack if you wouldn't mind advising here."

"There are safeguards in place for importing code with an unknown source," JARVIS reports in. The warning on the screen is dismissed, presumably by him, and a new window comes up. A log of the programming in Bucky's cybernetics going through digital quarantine loads rapidly, with line after line being highlighted in red and labeled HYDRA Suspected. "I will process them for you. One moment."

"We have to clean the Nazi code before we can beat it to death," Hannah mumbles against the rim of her mug. "I think I kind of like that."

"Please, Hannie, I'm hangin' on by the skin'a my teeth here." Scrubbing his hands over his face, Wyatt groans exhaustedly. He drags them down slowly, giving Hannah a pleading look over the tops of his fingers. "You know I'm always here for supportin' you—"

"I'm aware." The ex-marine's clipped tone makes Ava snort and look back down at her tablet. They both know stopping him now isn't going to cut off the word vomit.

Wyatt's hands thunk back down onto the glass. "I'm so proud'a ya, y'know that—" And there's the thickening of the accent.

"I know."

Ava's eyes skim over the list of everything detected in Bucky's wound, locking on the word leather in particular. Today was her first look at his work gear—she's got a feeling he doesn't call it a uniform—in person. It was hard to keep professional in front of six and a half feet of Hi, how are ya? wrapped up in that much heavy black. The sounds that his vest made when he dropped it on the coffee table— Jesus. He's got to be packing enough in there to arm a small country. 

"All's I'm sayin' is that if I have to hear about murder right now, I might actually upchu—"

"Please don't."

Ava's too scared to ask what's in the sergeant's pants for a multitude of reasons. Professionalism is lower on the list than it probably should be. It's a shame, too. He's downright hilarious when he lets himself talk. There's not a doubt in her mind that he'd come up with something unbearably good—and unwaveringly dry—in response to the loaded question.

"A'right then. We're in agreement. No bad thoughts today. We go in like—like excavators, right? With our helmets and our 'lil pickaxes, and we get what we need so we can—" The way he cuts himself off makes Ava look back up in concern. She finds the most horrified expression on Wyatt's face. "That—ah shit, that didn't come out all that right. That was mean, wannit? Insensitive. I'm not tryin' to belittle what the sergeant's been through."

"You weren't belittling anything," Ava assures, reaching out to rub his arm. "I think he'd be the first one to race you to a fossil joke about this."

"You'll tell 'im I'm takin' this serious, won't ya—"

A small chuckle escapes before she can stop it. "Wyatt, sweetheart, it's not like he heard you—"

"You take your pills today, Combs?" Hannah's calm question makes the gumdrop freeze in place. She blows on her coffee, taking a small sip. "If you say you don't remember, I'm going to—"

Wyatt snaps his fingers, his expression shifting to relief. "I didn't, and I remember why, too." He rolls his chair back with a sudden push, aiming for his desk. He reaches out before the chair finishes the trip to grab his patch-covered messenger bag. "One'a the cats got int'a my coat closet; dumbass got stuck on a shelf for reasons I'm still not real clear on." He pops open his medication bottle, tossing a pill into his mouth with a level of dexterity that makes her jealous. "The hollerin' was s'damn loud, I thought the landlord was gonna come knockin'."

"Which one was it?" Ava asks. "Not the new kitten?"

"No, no—Juno's been'a dream. It was Galileo again. I love that furry little bastard, but sometimes he can drive me nutty ." He pauses to take a swig from another glossy vacation mug. Today's is advertising a campground Ava's never heard of that's the best in the Rockies, according to the swirling font. "I got new pictures of Juno if you want 'em, though."

"Yes, please," Ava confirms happily. Holding the teacup-sized ball of fur made her whole month when he last brought Juno in. Hannah ended up hogging most of the cuddle time, but the sound of little meows filling the day had been enough to make up for it.

Wyatt pulls his phone from his back pocket and brings it around to hook up to the holo. The system dings with the sound of a successful transfer after a moment. He loads a collection of new photos, zeroing in on one of Juno clawing her way up a window curtain—

The power to the lab shuts off with a loud, electric click. Everything plunges into darkness with the privacy setting on the glass walls keeping the sun out. It comes back on before Ava can react, the building's primary system switching to the emergency power grid. She and Wyatt lock eyes in panic.

"Oooh man, boss, did I just—"

"I'm sure you didn't," Ava comforts, trying to push down her own panic. It helps that she's heard Tony rambling about the work he's put into making this place indestructible. "JAR?" 

There's no response from the AI. She trades another nervous glace with Wyatt.

"I know it was probably the Nazi shit, but I'm hoping it was the cats," Hannah says, sounding sincere. "I feel like that'll make a much better story."

"Oh my god, did I break JAR?" Wyatt looks between them frantically. "How often does he back up his servers? Did I kill'a piece'a JAR?!"

"I have not been murdered," the AI confirms after nearly a minute of being gone. "The safeguards reported a false positive regarding the programming of Sergeant Barnes' cybernetics. It has been handled."

Ava gives the hologram wall of code a warry look. "Handled by you?" There's a suspicion building in her gut around his phrasing, one that she's not planning on letting out of her teeth. 

"Mr. Stark has a protocol in place that cuts off my servers in the event of any irregular activity. Given the nature of the programming's origin, the system is designed to er on the side of caution."

"That's a really fancy way of dancing around the point, JAR." She's trying to stay civil about this. It's not an easy venture, and she's pretty sure it's not translating at all. Even she can hear the frustration in her voice. "How about we cut the shit, and you tell me what the false positive was."

"There are automated routines running for Sergeant Barnes' implants. They are not harmful; I've taken the liberty of checking them personally now that they've been cleared through quarantine. I am creating a stable update to forward to—"

"How long have they not been harmful, JARVIS?"

Hannah sits up from her relaxed position at the avoidance of their favorite nickname for the AI. Wyatt's brows pull in nervously, his eyes never leaving Ava. They both know exactly what she's digging at.

There's a long hesitation from JARVIS. Short by normal social standards but an eternity for a sentience with quantum processors. "There is not currently a risk posed within the Sergeant's—"

Ava's out of her chair and halfway to the door before he even finishes the omission. Fueled by some of the most intense rage she's ever felt in her life, she marches out on swift feet. She's going to kill him. She's going to string him up—maybe hang him off the side of the tower.

America's fucking Sweetheart, her ass. America's Doomed Liar is a lot more like it.

"Where is he," Ava nearly growls, still stalking down the halls, leaving the medical wing in a hurry. "JARVIS, I know you're still listening; you tell me where that puffed-up, hypocritical—oooh , you tell me where Rogers is right the fuck now. And then you tell me where Stark is—"

"Dr. Ryder, I know you're not inclined to believe this at the moment, but I assure you—"

"You're right; I'm not inclined to do that at all." She takes a deep breath as she passes through the front entrance, slowing herself to a stop. With genuine effort, she pushes down her anger. "I don't want to keep yelling at you. I don't like doing it in the first place. If you don't want to tell me where they are, I'll find them myself."

Ava heads for the elevator to do just that. She's not expecting a response as she pounds the side of her fist against the button for the Datacrux's floor. It's likely to be her best bet to find any of them. There's not a chance in hell that she's letting her team dedicate any more time to this until she gets some fucking explanations.

Halfway along the ride up, the light around the button goes dim. A flash of anger rises in her until she sees the one for the executive level illuminate. 

"Mr. Stark is not currently in the tower, but you will find Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes debriefing in the Situation Room," JARVIS informs her over the elevator's intercom, making the SHEILD agents around her pretend not to look over. She's tempted to ask them if it's the outfit.

"Thank you, JAR," she offers as an olive branch. Regardless of what's truly going on here, she doubts the AI is all that comfortable with the subject.

"You're welcome, Ava."

She's only been to this part of the tower once before. Tony dragged her up to the Avenger's balcony for a party after her divorce was first finalized. That's about the extent of her experience with this section. It's not hard to find her way with everything denoted like it is in the rest of the building.

The palm of her hand smacks against the door marked Situation Room, and she shoves it open aggressively. Both super soldiers, the Falcon, Black Widow, and a scattered group of SHIELD agents stare back at her in surprise. It doesn't slow her down any.

Ava points an irate finger at Steve in the uneasy silence of the room. "Unless New York just caught fire, you and I are about to have a very blunt conversation, captain."

"Hiya, doc." Bucky, unsurprisingly, is the only one in the room smiling at her while she glares daggers at Captain America. He's still in his not-uniform. There's still blood on it. The charm he's throwing her way reminds her that they won't want an audience. 

"I'm going to ask the rest of you to leave," she continues, but her eyes stay on the sergeant as her finger lowers. "I don't think you'll want to be here for this, Bucky."

"What makes you think I don't wanna watch you beat up my best friend?" He leans back in his chair, his hands coming up to rest on his stomach as his smile deepens.

"Can I stay?" Sam asks, his voice eager. It's a damn shame this is how she gets to meet him. She doubts the Falcon has any clue about unethical research.

"Come on," Natasha insists with a serene nod in Ava's direction, grabbing Sam's shirt to drag him up from his chair. "You heard her."

"I—hey!" Steve looks so insulted as he watches his friends and various coworkers abandon him with zero hesitation. "You're just gonna—I don't even know what I did!"

"Neither do I, but I am very ready to hear about it," Bucky assures Ava, not an increasingly distressed Steve.

Ava taps her foot impatiently as the room clears out, leaving her alone with the super soldiers. She ignores the nerves radiating off of one of them and focuses on the one that looks delighted. "I'm serious. This is about your case. Specifically, the work HYDRA was trying to finish."

The mirth leaves Bucky almost entirely. His posture doesn't adjust from its reclined position. "Alright. Tell me what's got you livid about it."

"Steve here made me a promise that was broken in my lab a few minutes ago."

Steve's eyebrows pull in with confusion. "Which promise? Wait—a few minutes ago—Is this about that blackout? Ava, catch me up here; what the hell is—"

"You swore to me that the intention of HYDRA—at least where Bucky's case is concerned—was to make an army of super soldiers, nothing more." She's letting him process this one step at a time. It'll make yelling at him for lying a lot easier. That, and she's honestly worried the technophobe doesn't understand the gravity of the situation.

"I—" Steve hesitates, and she watches the switch to tactical assessment come over him. It's startling to see it directed at her from a face that isn't Bucky's. "As far as I know, that was the intention."

"Yeah? You're sure about that? You're sure you're not omitting something pretty fucking important to my job, Steven?"

"JARVIS, what was the blackout?" Bucky questions at half the volume he started at when she first came in.

Ava points at the sergeant insistently. "See? I'm guessing he doesn't even know, but he's sure as hell already on the right track."

"There was an incident regarding the coding found in your implants, Sergeant Barnes. It has been handled. I have prepared an update to their systems whenever you're ready to undergo a transfer."

"As your doctor, I'm ordering it. We can go back to my office after I'm finished ripping your friend a new asshole for lying to my face." Her eyebrows lower at Bucky in indignation. She's doing this for him, but that doesn't mean she's going to let him off the hook if he knew. "We should probably figure out if I need to do the same to you before we get there."

"Hey, hang on now." Steve raises one hand, likely to try to calm her, but changes his mind and puts it back under the table. She's guessing someone's finally clued in the out-of-time man about that practice making women want to throw something. At his head. "We might not always be able to talk about classified information—something you agreed to, I might add—but I've never lied about HYDRA's intent as far as I comprehend it. I've been very careful to hold up that end of our deal."

"Let me tell you how I know, for a fact, that someone involved in this case is doing a piss-poor job of lying to me about it. Since you haven't quite figured out modern tech, I'm going to try to keep it simple." Ava points a far less aggressive, more instructing finger at Bucky's arm. "In order for that hunk of metal to work, it needs to be programmed. The hardware needs software that can tell it how to read brain signals. A few decades ago, some Nazis sat in a room and wrote a bunch of code for that software. That's what was supposed to be in Bucky's implants. That's all that was supposed to be in Bucky's implants."

"Wait—what the hell else is in them?" The flicker of fear that creeps into Bucky's expression breaks her heart. There's not a doubt in her mind that he could sell her on any lie he wants to with his mind set on it. That's the point of infiltrators like him. 

But Ava's willing to bet everything she's got in this world that the fear in him at the moment is genuine. He doesn't know. And it makes her feel awful.

"Given the size of your implants, I'm guessing not much," she tries to reassure. "We can always purge whatever is there later. However, if the code were as simple as 'read this signal, do this thing,' it wouldn't have been flagged as untouchable by Tony's security measures. The ones put in specifically to prevent JARVIS from being corrupted." She crosses her arms over her chest in exasperation, her eyes moving to one of the small security cameras on the ceiling. "Would you like to explain to the captain what kind of code it would take to accomplish that, JARVIS?"

There's another human-length moment of hesitation from the AI in response. "It would take adapting code."

"The part he's holding back—definitely because he's under orders not to break SHIELD protocol—is that something has to be driving the adaptation. There is such a thing as self-adapting code; that would absolutely explain it. If we weren't talking about something made in the 40s when HYDRA needed entire warehouses just to house a few terabytes of data." She glances over at Bucky. "While I'm sure the agents you scare the piss out of would disagree, your head isn't actually big enough to hold that much."

"You flirtin' with me to stop the panic or to apologize for not being Canadian for a minute?"

Ava blinks in surprise, the slightest hint of heat coming up the sides of her neck. That—she hadn't been—well. Steve's head turns to him, his eyebrows raising in mild shock.

Bucky clears his throat, then tries for a quiet chuckle, his eyes floating between her and the table. "Sorry—it's this damn room. Puts me in sergeant mode, makes me—let's get back to yelling at Steve."

"Thanks, asshole, I appreciate—"

"What makes you think I won't yell at you just because I'm Canadian?" Ava counters, finally recovering. "You trying to stereotype me, Barnes?"

The relief that comes off of Bucky is palpable. "I'd go for the hippie thing first if I was trying to do that."

"Didn't you sleep through the McCarthy era?"

"HYDRA gave me the long and short of it between naps."

Her hand flies up to her face to block a loud snort. Damn him, this is serious. But she's not about to begrudge him the gallows humor. She lowers it again while he smirks at her. "Do you mind? I'm trying to make an angry but valid point here."

"About a bunch of code that my head isn't big enough for," he continues for her dryly, one hand coming off his stomach to gesture up at it.

Ava sighs, the amusement from getting sidetracked by the Brooklyn heartstopper fading fast. "Not big enough by the standards of the 40s. By today's standards?" Her head tilts to the side sadly, readying herself to watch that fear in him get more substantial. "You tell me, Buck. Did the Nazis work in the mindset of single projects, or did they work in the mindset of generations that would lead a global empire?"

The words are the last piece to complete the puzzle in Bucky's mind; Ava can see it happen in his eyes. The expression of horror it yanks out of him will haunt her for the rest of her days. "Zola." 

It's said in a whisper, and Ava's not even sure what the word is. 

It takes Steve longer to reach whatever conclusion Buckys come to, and he looks resistant to the idea at first. "No, that's... no—Buck, you've been to what's left. You know what it took—"

"That's the point she's making, stupid. Look at how small everything's gotten." He stops, and Ava doesn't miss the sight of a hard swallow. "It makes sense. Think about it. It makes sense. They took care of the car until they could find an engine that fit. I was the prototype. Or—was going to be, at least."

The comparison—the one he's using on himself—is revolting. Accurate, but astoundingly revolting. She pushes past it, leaning down to tap a condescending nail on the table. "Hi, there. Still here. Still looking for some answers. What the hell is Zola?"

With Steve watching him like a hawk, Bucky breathes a long, tired sigh. "Not what. Who." 

"I can fill her in," Steve offers to him quickly. "You don't have to do this."

"Oh, I'm not doing shit. She's going to do it all." Bucky locks eyes with Ava, his expression passive. Having the Winter Soldier himself that focused in on her makes her breath catch involuntarily. "How's your Russian, doc?"

"I don't speak a word of it. Do I need to for this?"

"No, I'm sure you've got plenty of ways to translate anything you feel like reading. You should look up doveryai, no proveryai while you're at it." He leans forward, resting his arms on the table. His eyes never once move away from hers. "JARVIS, transfer a copy of my archive access to Dr. Ryder. Full permissions. And the next time she asks you a hard question, you don't have to bullshit her. Tell her to call me."

—

April 6th, 2015

"I want you to bring me with you next time."

"No."

"Is that a no because you do not agree or because you are afraid of mother?"

"Both."

Shuri frowns at the security feed, ignoring the quiet laughter she can hear coming from Nakia on the other end. "Coward."

The camera mounted on T'Challa's dashboard shakes as he turns it back to his face, his expression annoyed. "Say that to my—"

"Coward."

T'Challa rolls his eyes and turns the camera back around as Nakia laughs harder. He will be mopey now, for sure. "I am not taking you to stare at a soldier's office with us."

"Why not?"

"To start with, I refuse to be trapped in a car with you for that amount of time."

"You should be so lucky! Now, what is the real reason."

"What part of royal family do you not—"

"You get to go to these things."

"And when you leave your lab long enough to learn to use the spears of your foremothers, that privilege can extend to you."

"Okoye is always ready to teach you, Shuri," Nakia offers up diplomatically. 

"I do not need a spear to sit in a car annoying my brother," Shuri argues. They always do this to her. She is tired of it.

"You do not need to sit in a car annoying your bother at all." The moping has already started. She can hear it in T'Challa's voice.

"Fine. I will go to Ava's house and stay there while—"

"No."

Shuri slams her hands down on her desk, making the various instruments on it rattle precariously. "She is my family, too!"

There's silence on the other end in the wake of her anger. Then the camera turns again, this time by Nakia's hand. She doesn't stop the spin until it's pointed to show her and T'Challa. He does not look as annoyed anymore. He looks guilty.

Nakia gives her a sympathetic smile. "No one is trying to take that from you. We are only trying to keep you safe. We do not know how far Alec is willing to take things."

"And I am not willing to present the man with more temptations of power," T'Challa adds, the guilt on his face shifting to resignation. "It is not simply because I am afraid of our mother. I agree with her. And with our father. Alec Harlow is a man that is losing everything. That is a powerful motivator, Shuri."

"I am not afraid of that spineless demon," Shuri insists angrily. "I could handle him myself, thank you very much."

"Half the school children in Wakanda could," Nakia mocks under her breath.

She gets a stern look from T'Challa before he focuses it on Shuri. "It is not his strength we are concerned with. It is the allies he can call upon at any time. Men with strength and resources that we do not wish to deal with."

Some of the fight leaves her. Not much, but it does ebb. Her brother might be an idiot, but he is right about this. Ava would not be this afraid for no reason. She has been trying to disguise it when Nakia brings her for visits, which is how Shuri knows it is serious.

"I hate that man, brother." The word is far too inadequate. The contempt she holds for the worm who put fear in the heart of her favorite mad scientist feels immeasurable.

"As do I. As do we all." T'Challa smiles at her finally, his face softening. "I promise to bring you to hit him if he is ever arrested. That is when I will deem it safe enough."

"How many times?" she chases after quickly. "Can I bring a weapon?"

"You can bring exactly one weapon. Can you guess what it is?" The smile turns sarcastic as he reaches out and turns the camera back around to face Alec's office window. 

"I do not need a spear to break that man."

"No, you need it so I can stop being lectured by Okoye for enabling your avoidance of tradition."

"That will not help. She wishes for me to sit through her lessons. I would just bring the spear to hit him over the head with."

Nakia laughs, the sound light and soothing. "I am surprised you did not go straight for the idea of skewering him."

Tilting her head down at her desk, Shuri hesitates. She picks up the ridiculous coffee mug Ava got her, spinning it around in her hands with somber movements. 

Ava's last visit had been especially hard to stomach. The woman had looked so... empty as she talked about the start of the divorce. There had been no vengeful joy in her as she told Shuri's father she understood the gravity of the situation. No hard-won victory in her posture. There had only been grief and shame.

Shuri sighs, turning away from the screen to head for her lab's kitchen. She is going to fill the mug with one of the teas that Ava brings her. It will be a nice change from the energy drinks she has been binging. "No. I... I do not wish the man dead. I only wish to see him locked away somewhere he can never smile again."

—author end notes—

there’s one sentence in this chapter that is 14 words long (including contractions) that is the entire foundation of their incoming dom/sub and oh my g o d when i tell you that shit was cathartic to write 😫🤌 some day when this is finished, im gonna write a whole goddamn dissertation on that one sentence and all the narrative shit that tied into it in this fic so help me (YOURE ALLOWED TO GUESS BTW)

anyways, everyone is alive in wakanda bc i said so. and nakia and t’challa are really stupid uber mega important to ava’s backstory

i feel like we’ve all, as a species, Been Through Enough. you can talk my ear off abt anything, but dont talk to me abt the opening of wakanda forever i will Literally Die, i havent cried that hard over the first watch of a movie in so fucking long and i dont think im strong enough for a second. all i ever need for binging is winter soldier and black panther anyhow (FATWS is still growing on me and i only like it so far bc im a sambucky shipper. and a stucky shipper. and a 3 musketeer shipper. and a—i like making buckaroo be in love a lot. lets just. leave it at that). we can stop with the big owies thanks. let me escape to the fictional world where everyone is alive and Nothing Hurts, t h a n k s.

well. okay. some things are gonna hurt in this. probably really super bad too and youre gonna be really really mad at me when it hits. but like. theyre set up for comfort pay off so does it even really count??? i didnt think so, ty for agreeing 😌

ily 💖 tyty for reading 💞 and tyty in advance for yelling at me when i eventually hurt u ❤️🥰 i will understand, its okay, u are entitled to the emotional compensation on that one

[themintman]

I RAN OUT OF TAG SPACE FOR MY YAPPING LMAOOOOO so I'm gonna ramble here 🎉🎉 warning for me not SHUTTING UP THIS IS GONNA BE A LONG ONE YALL

Ok so. Ships first.

Also keep in mind this is my opinion, I don't hate anyone for having different thoughts, ship what y'all want 🩷🩷🩷 mcsm is lucky enough that there's almost NO ships that are genuinely awful (other than animal X people... Eugh)

--

OBVIOUSLY JURM IS MY FAVOURITE. JURM FOREVER 🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️ YALL KNOW IM SO NOT NORMAL ABOUT IT LMAOO

i have mixed feelings about Lukas x Aiden. I only see them as toxic ex's, if they were together AT ALL lmao. Olivia x Petra is SO CUTE TO ME. hell yeah, badass warrior lady and her cute nerdy girlfriend. They're so perfect.. sob. Reginald, Milo and Isa.. I don't care if they're poly, I don't care who's with who, I just.. omg. I love it dearly 🩷 same with Ivor and Soren or Harper. Also, a friend introduced me to Binta x NELL and oh my goodness. I also love Binta x Fred, but mostly cause of how I interpret her and Nurm.

SIDE RAMBLE BUT I think they're super close best friends. They will talk about ANYTHING, TMI doesn't exist between them. They have the most insane gossip sessions. THEYRE INSANE TOGETHER Binta also speaks to him in Villic so like.. YIPPEE but uhh. My Nurm and Binta became friends after jack fell off the cliff (LOSERRRRR 🫵🫵🫵🫵). They both lost their husbands ☹️ they both have beef with Romeo too. They understand each other. Binta doesn't act like he's crazy for staying behind or praying that jack returns. She gets it 🩷🩷🩷

ANYWAY quite a few ships in the like category I've seen on here. Radar x fem jesse does NOT deserve the hate it got, batunatu's art of them actually makes me giggle and kick my feet like omg.. thank you for making me like them so much. Same with Gill and Axel, I've seen art and OUGHHHHJ. AND PETRA AND XARA. Y'ALL ARE WILDDDDD 🩷🩷🩷 the old order are just.. anything works honestly. Especially Soren, he could go with ANYONE and it'd work lmao. The whore /lh.. COUGH ANYWAYS. Harper and Otto slaps I'm gonna be real y'all. Axel and Olivia are pretty cute too, same with Jesse and Stella. Also.. scratch what I said about Nurm x Binta. It's going in the likes. I'm sorry but I'm insane about them. Friends or dating. Fuck it, au where jack actually DID DIE. And then Nurm x Binta... Perchance.. Jurm is still number one but OHHH my days. (Maybe it could even go up to love...)

I'm sorry y'all, but I don't like Jesse x Petra or Lukas much. It's so.. bland and flavourless. It feels overdone on sorry ☹️ I honestly don't have much to say about the others. I feel like jack X Romeo has so much angst potential. Whether it's toxic admin or pathetic Romeo oh my god. So much angst.. also again I've seen some banging fanart so that's helped my opinion LMAO. Also my Cassie is like 20 or 30 something and my Mevia id OLD OLD. so it depends on the other person's interpretation of them. Ive seen some cute stuff NGL (WHERE THEY ARE BOTH THE SAME AGE OBVIOUSLY).

I don't like Petra x Jack or Nurm just because I see jack like her older brother and Nurm as her brother in law. Also, I'm so sorry but I just can't get behind Radar x Pama..

I have no clue what to make of any of the admins

And eugh. PAMA x harper.. I'm sorry but that's her baby to me. No thank you

---

Now then. Character opinions.

Nurm: OHHHH MY GODDDDD I WOULD DOE FOR HIM I WOULD ACTUALLY FUCKING DIE FOR NURM. HES SUCH A SWEETIE AND HES SO PERFECT AND COOL AND GORGEOUS OMGGGG AUGH. YALL HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I TWEAK WHEN I THINK OF THIS MAN. HES MY FAVOURITE CHARACTER EVER. I DRAW HIM EVERYWHERE YALL IM SLIGHTLY INSANE

Jack: see nurm. But slightly less feral 🤏

Fem Jesse: I love her so much omg. I really wish I could play as her but playing as female characters makes me dysphoric sometimes.. ☹️ she's so cool though omg.

Male Jesse: he's alright.

Olivia: I love her voice so much in season one I'm upset they changed it. She feels like a different character. But also I kinda like that? It feels like she has grown a lot since season one in a way.. augh. I love thinking about outfits to put her in so much she's so cool

Binta: MY GIRL 🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️ her and Nurm friendship has actually made me crazy y'all. I started typing the tags and then by the time I got to this Im shaking, head in my hands like OUGHHHHJ BINTAAAAAAAA 🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️💥💥💥💥💥💥💥 I love her. Make her a creature 😋

Nell: HELM YEAH she's so chill I love her. One of the characters who I think I'd actually be friends with if I found myself in mcsm. Like, as much as I love jack and Nurm I'd be too scared to even say hi.. nell on the other hand? Literally the most inviting person ever. I love her 🩷

Harper is so sweet too. She's awesome OML

Milo and Reginald: BOTH ARE PERFECT. so different yet my opinions are the same. I wish you had more chances to interact with them ☹️ one episode isn't enough

Ivor: he's Ivor y'all. Come on.

Radar: HES ALRIGHT. HES KINDA ADORABLE but also annoying sometimes.. his voice gets on my nerves occasionally but he's doing his best 🩷

Otto: HELL YEAH OTTO I love his design so much for some reason.. also he stands like a villager so immediately I love him.

PAMA: ADORABLE. Cutest villain ever istg. "YAY :]" AWEEEEE ODNDJDNKSNFJDN OKAY FINEEEE ILL BE USEFUL

Cassie: I just love making her a scene girl... ough. Go girlboss kill em 🗣️🗣️

Isa: I don't like how she treated everyone in sky city but I understand why she did that. Also she's so badass what the hell.. if she was an animal she'd be a cheetah

the rest of the old order: not much to say on them but I like them all 😋

Gill: best member of the blazerods. He's so cute ong.. bro is just happy to be there 😭

Lukas: he's sweet. Overrated as hell in my opinion, but that's not surprising. Can't hate him for it 🩷

Petra: I don't like how she acted in season two .. I know she had her reasons, but put yourself in Jesse's shoes. You'd feel upset too, no matter how much you justify her actions. Put I can't hate her either. She's PETRA. shes so cool and I'm glad her and Jesse are friends again at the end 🩷

Axel: HEHE I LIKE HIM VERY MUCH hed so sweet with his friends. The hug at the end.. and him sobbing when Petra leaves.. AUGH. HUGS HIM OMG.

Romeo: HE LOOKS COOL. I love the concept of the admins. So much. Also seeing all the different designs for him.. AUGH

Xara: SHES SO COOL. her backstory makes me sad though ☹️

Fred: I'd probably love him if we saw him more. He sounds so sweet, but I just. We only hear from him once and the message isn't even for us.

Warden: he's a jerk, but I feel bad for him ☹️

Stella: I just.. hm. Shes horrible in the begining, and only gets nice in SOME playthroughs. I like nice Stella, I hate mean Stella, so okay is the middle ground I feel. Though maybe idk would be better ..

Maya: meh.

Mevia: I'm genuinely so confused on how I feel about her.

Aiden: I have SO MUCH BEEF WITH HIM FOR NO REASON AT ALL. I FONT KNOW WHY I HATE HIM SO MUCH BUT AUGHHHH. I NEED YALL TO KNOW HOW FUCKING UGLY HE IS IN MOUSECRAFT TOO

VILE

Hadrien: Ew.

My opinions on some ships and characters 😼😼😼

Ill explain some stuff in the tags if yall are curious hehe

Template by @stervil !!!

[rivers-fics]

💜JJK Character Headcanons (SFW)💜

My interpretation of the other JJK characters!

JJK Manga Spoilers!!!

Includes: Gojo, Sukuna, Geto (both of them), Toji, Uraume, Nanami, and Choso

Warnings: Light cussing, Mahito 🙄🤮

Gojo

He is,,, a lot to say the least.

Is super happy you chose to date him

He's like,, rich rich and will shower you in gifts

jewelry, clothes, food, etc.

an absolute menace >:(

will make fun of you (lovingly ig 🙄)

Would randomly kiss you in public just to get a reaction out of you

Gojo id def very touchy

must be touching you at all times (holding your hand, arm around your shoulder, just something)

Constantly wants attention

Reading a book? Not anymore it's time for cuddles

Cooking dinner? Fucker will wrap his arms around you from behind only to bite your neck

No matter how annoying or mean he is, can guarantee you he loves you more than himself (which is surprising)

Sukuna (4 arms!!)

a complete bitch. <3

you somehow wiggled you little way into his heart n now you won't leave

kinda annoying ngl

he'd never admit it but he loves seeing your small form in his 4 Big ass arms

also loves kisses, surprisingly

just something about them,,, hits different

Don't expect much attention he has better things to do

if needed you will be sacfraficed

he may love you but he has priorities lol

good luck don't die!

Geto

Very caring

can be a bit overbearing at times but he means well

Will let you play with his hair

He won't admit it but that's his favorite part of the day

Has a routine to greet you

1.) Kiss on forehead 2.) "Good morning/afternoon/evening, my love." 3.) Kiss on lips

very sweet <3

Everything he does has purpose so go easy on him luvs

Also a menace like Gojo

Geto (Kenjaku)

Kind of a bitch if I'm being honest

He's pretty busy, won't have much time to give you attention

Will also let you play with his hair while he does his work

You're gonna have to deal with Mahito 🤢🤮 and Choso ❤💫

When he does have time to give you enough attention it's amazing

will hold you to his chest and pet your head lovingly

movie nights are most frequent dates bc it keeps mahito entertained from being a sticky ipad kid :///

Like I said He's kinda mean so don't get in the way of his work

Toji

DILFDILFDILF

Yeah y'all knew what to expect

He may be a canon freeloader but I think he'd pay his end of the deal with a partner

Basically a sugar baby

Is a dick most of the time, but it's more of the little things with him

He can be sweet with small gestures like flowers or having dinner ready before you're home

Don't expect too much he's away a lot

Will always repay you tho 👀

Uraume

You became their #1 priority when you came into their life

it used to be sukuna but you gave them a feeling they'd never felt before, at least not in that context:

Love <3

They're still pretty new to the feeling and taking care of someone because you want to rather than it being your job

please be patient they're trying their best!!

Likes when you play with their hair, will do it back if you'd like

Likes to be held against your chest, feels like home

Surprisingly Sukuna allowed you to stay with Uraume and so graciously chose not to kill you

but seeing his precious assistant in love struck a chord in him, I suppose

Just give uraume all your love and they will be loyal to you (and sukuna of course) for forever <3

Nanami <3

omg he is so sweet PLEASE

Ideal husband and honorary dilf

Will put so much care and effort into the relationship

always make sure you're happy and feel loved

communication!!!

If you're stressed he just knows and you won't even have to lift a finger

Loves when you cook for him

Loves just coming home and cuddling with you especially after a long day of overtime and/or Gojo

Will take you on the best dates

legit never disappoints

will show up with flowers and take you to a fancy restaurant and then maybe a walk in the park

Will love you with his whole heart I stg

Choso (My beloved)

He's still new to relationships so be patient

Will care for you SO MUCH in whatever way you need

like if you're stressed, sad, got hurt on a mission

he knows exactly how to care for you and get you happy n healthy

another ideal husband

def a family man (with his brothers y'know)

Love language is words of affirmation

"You're doing great sweetheart" OMFGGGG

the sweetest please

will ALWAYS try his best for you

also loves cuddles

baby just wants to hold you and make sure you feel loved 🥺🥺🥺

[cornbeefcycles]

my take on toriel’s feelings on asgore in deltarune is that she would be much more friendly with him if he just moved on. he still gives her flowers in the hopes that they rekindle their love together (“what kind of flowers, do you think, would make her remember how she felt before?”) and ngl if my eggs ex-husband kept trying to get back with me even though ive made it clear that i am not interested in that id also develop a dislike for him

[pub-lius]

my thoughts watching the john adams series as i eat an uncomfortable amount of granola: dont tread on me 🥶🥶🥶

“you are here now 🥰 and you are safe 🥹” “uh… *leaves*”

1777 is my favorite year of the revolution tho, it was so slay ngl (totally not saying this just for von steuban)

i think john and abigail adams is good example of 18th century gender roles, where the man’s job was politics in government and the woman’s was politics in the community like social standing and all that. however it must be acknowledged that there was tension between them over these roles bc of how often john was away, which was kind of abnormal, likely bc john played so many diplomatic roles, much more than other men

“if i were a man, id be in the field of battle” idk why this made me sob. abigail knows so much about the war and what the soldiers go through, but she can only act vicariously through her husband, when this implies she really wants to do more ☹️☹️☹️☹️

IM ADDING LIKE 15 CHARLES ABUSE POINTS FOR THE SCENE WHERE JOHN AND JOHN QUINCY LEAVE BC FUCKING OWWWW charles abuse 1-15

john adams: VOMITING - john quincy: tu es 🥳 il est 🫣 elle est 🤨 je suis 🥶

omg the naval fight scene FUCKED ME UP the first time i watched it. i was like “omg his leg- OMG HIS L E G-“ and my dad was like “yeah thats what happened when you get SHOT DIRECTLY IN THE LEG WITH A CANNON”

ik this guy is having his leg chopped off and all but im just like “omg a good representation of 18th century medicine 🥰”

so uh… anyone want a granola bar?

OMG PARIS PARIS PARIS DHWJWHWJ they did it so well every time i see a scene in paris i piss my pants /pos (tmi but its that good)

bro who even liked ben franklin??? everyone who worked closely with him seemed to hate him or just tolerate him. like he’s funny, but damn bro. then again, the people i have in mind aren’t known for getting along with others, so maybe its that

i hate rich people but 1770s french aristocratic fashion… 🥵 (IM KIDDING IM SORRY DJSBWJWBWN)

“how is your french?” “uh… oh pas très bon…” “ah, that is easily remedied. you must either attend the theater or take a mistress” “DOCTOR FRANKLIN-“ me asf

im so shit at french, i cant even make fun of john

the whole quote john says about “i must study politics and war so my sons can study philosophy and shit so their sons can study music and whatever” is actually pretty dope. good one johnny

“he’s worked it all out” LMFAO I LOVE THAT GUY

OMG ITS LITTLE BABY LOUIS MY LITTLE MEOW MEOW omg you cant tell me he’s not ace, he’s literally wearing purple

he’s fr me tho like. “hello dr franklin!!! you have sex!!!! weird!!!! hello other guy!!!! …😐😑😐 you don’t speak french??? 🤨 not a word??? 😕… HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA bye *flutters away*”

is that vergennes? if its vergennes i’ll shit myself rn to fully understand what its like to be an absolute BABY

BEAT HIS ASS FRANKLIN BEAT HIS ASS

oh it was vergennes. i guess im going to have to shit myself. (i fucking hate vergennes so much he’s so annoying)

string quartet 🥺

D’ESTAING????? OMG LITTLE SCRUNGLY JEJEHWWBJ such a flirt too like bro keep it in your pants

who is this other guy?? who is he. he looks like my uncle. wait is that. who is the doctor. he’s a doctor. the bloodletting guy, he’s related to the schuylers. the surgeon general who is he. HELP ME WHO IS HE????

john quincy is smarter than his dad at like 12, i’ll give him that, but what is that haircut 🤨🤨🤨

OH NO OH NO ADAMS DONT GO IN THERE NO ADAMS FRANKLINS NAKEY DONT GO IN THERE NO DONT DO IT PLS STOP PLS NO JOHN NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hes dead

“i have been left kicking and writhing in the myre” you’re what 🤨

he’s right about franklin tho, he’s a shit legislator

child abuse 1: verbal abuse @ nabby who never did anything wrong.

fr tho john is being highkey negligent of his family at home like. bro you don’t have to write to your wife about politics???? just tell her you’re okay tf, she’s worried. this pisses me off as someone with a dad who couldn’t see me all the time for his work and still went out of his way to be there. so yeah, fuck you, john. fuck. you

oh god the netherlands negotiations 😒 its so painful to watch

also the dutch architecture slaps just as much as the french

“*CHOKING AND DYING*” “are you will” “*STILL CHOKING* im fine” 🤨

YAAAS SLANDER HIM FRANKLIN SLANDER HIM!!! 🤩😌😊😊🤪🥰😒🥰😜🥸😊😊🤩🙂🤪😜😒🤨

“..do you mean… have i failed here as well?” yeah, actually.

child abuse 2: sending j.q to russia when he doesn’t want to and also with that bitchass haircut

was that a duty and inclination reference 😨

[moekaneko]

I should really post some a3! Stuff bcs I've been posting a lot of obey me stuff recently and there's a lot coming still but I have a bunch more things me and my friends have said over text this time and it didn't feel right as a3! Characters so oh well.

Obey me characters as things me and my friends have said but over text this time (part 2)

________

Mammon texting mc: Dad (luci) needed the toilet

Mammon: Alone

Mammon: Surround by cocky men

Mammon: I feel like I’m bout to pull a heist I’m ngl

Mammon: Pray for me

____________

Asmo: Nails, hair, hips, heels, I like guys, those just my feels

___________

Belphie: suck ur nan

Lucifer: Ffs belphegor

Belphie: you’ll never escape

Belphie: ur nan

________

Levi: 😀😀😀😀

Solomon: smile if you like dick

Levi: IT WAS BEFORE IT

Levi: U ABSLOUTE DIMBO

Solomon: no

Solomon: you smiled

Levi: 😟

_________

Simeon: I KNOW WHAT IT IS

Simeon: I KNOW WHAT IT IS

Lucifer: no you don’t

__________

Asmo: tits are nice

Asmo: but what good are a pair of tits when theirs no emotional value

*sam smith starts playing*

Mc: yeah exactly

Asmo: 💔

Mc: So true asbestos asbestie

Solomon: please stfu before i snatch your knickers and wear them as a hat

__________

Satan: anyways

Satan: I can sense someone’s on their period here

An mc who has periods: ...

Mc: 😗

👉 👈

__________

Belphie: how the ruck is frank in canada

Diavolo: who is frank

Belphie: frank ly I don't care

Diavolo: dunno who that is

_________

Asmo: no babes, they're mine

Satan: go suck a cock

Satan: like Solomon's

Satan: or go brake one

Satan: Like Solomon's

Asmo: nah i got mc

Asmo: soz xoxo

__________

Lucifer: fucking hell

Lucifer: anyway

________

Levi: I was kinda busting it to the song

Asmo: I was busting it to the guy

Levi: BRUH

_______

Solomon: bro u better come in

Asmo: I am hœ

Solomon: k

__________

Lucifer: OKAY

Lucifer: EVERYONE WAKE UP

Simeon: Chill lol

Barbatos: no

__________

Asmo: ty babes

Simeon: I CAN'T HEAR YOU

Asmo: MC's so hot

Asmo: WYM

Simeon: SNAP

Simeon: I CANT

Luke: huh

Levi: ur not meant to

Luke: YOU'RE CALLING ME

___________

Belphie: I dont care

Lucifer: I’ll remove you

Lucifer: say you care

Belphie: I dont

Belphie: remove me

Lucifer: your bio is cap

Belphie: ok xx

Belphie has been removed

Lucifer: said id do it

Luke: Oh wow you really did remove him

_________

Belphie: HE WAS A FUCKING SNAKE 😭😭😭😭

Belphie: HE WAS TRYING TO SLIT HER YO THE WALAALLA

_________

Satan: My mental health honestly said yeetus to the fetus years ago

Asmo: do asmr instead

_________

Solomon: gay

Belphie: Is all of us

Diavolo: wot

________

Mc: LEVI

Mc: DID U MURDER MY FUCKING HUSBAND

Mc: I WILL SEE YOU IN COURT

Levi: Goodluck

Levi: The body is well hidden it's ok

Mc: Shut the fuck up

Levi: Nah❤️

Levi: mc is crazy

Mc: GO TO HELL LEVI

Levi: This is hell

Mc: Tryna kill my mf husband

Levi: Tryna? Oh you poor dear. Grievance and resistance

Mc: SHUT YO

Mc: GODAM

Mc: FILTHY

Mc: MOUTH

Levi: Not sorry for your loss actually I'm responsible

Satan: ALL OF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP

Mc: Nah❤️

________

Mammon: I think I just ripped my tounge off-

________

belphie: Cerberus just sat on my ass and fell asleep and all I'm thinking is bitch this anint a hotel

Solomon: Uhh

Belphie: I dont wanna move hes too cute

Solomon: on ur ass

Belphie: ye

__________

Mammon: My math tutor (mc) is spending more time changing whiteboard pen colours than actually teaching me shit

Mammon: I had to say 6 three times cause they couldn't bloody hear me

_________

Solomon: I'm not actually German it's a joke

Lucifer: You bloody what

_________

Simeon: What is everyone gonna wear

Asmo: Cocklet

Barbatos: I'd hope not

_________

Asmo: Good morning my friends

Asmo: And mammon

Beel: Why did i think of willy wonka when u sadi that

______________

THERE'S MORE COMING SOON I COULDN'T FIT IT ALL INTO ONE POST

All my friend started texting and now I'm crying

[t4tvglow]

okay, so. hm. parent death, covid. kind of an uncanny story ngl. i’ve told it, like... 15 times in the past couple of days and it’s still pretty ins*ne to me.

to say it coherently, what happened was:

sister could tell dad was sick on tuesday the 28th

he spent the next four days leaving the house for hours at a time, even after he got his covid dx. same for his wife.

i only learned about this on friday the 1st

that night my sister came down the stairs and he turned around with this Look and said, “i don’t feel good.”

admitted to the hospital on saturday the 2nd

on tuesday the 5th, they’re discussing putting him on a vent

curtain rises on wednesday the 6th.

9:30 AM: i go to secure a job at the hospital i’d been talking with about an emergency support staff position. i discuss my routine physical in a room 30ft from the ICU.

10:40 AM: i get sent to the lab to get some bloodwork done. while i’m waiting, they call a code blue for the ICU. i go “yeesh.”

11:20 AM: i go to the HR building to discuss benefits. 

11:48 AM: i’m signing my W2 when i get the text that my dad passed.

laugh inappropriately with the HR lady. she gets it; her late husband’s brother was a very similar man, right down to being a right-wing covid denier, so. y’know. no one’s crying. but i kind of know i’m just in shock.

take my ID photo for my badge. smile big. that smile is preserved forever.

i have to live with that.

called my youngest uncle to talk on the way home, check how he is. he’s just as baffled as i am, namely because of how my dad straight up refused to take care of himself. found out he had COPD, on top of the diabetes i only recently learned about and the numerous heart attacks he’s had.

so, y’know. he was corona’s fucking playground and didn’t even try.

but when i get home, i find out from my mom.

that he was in the hospital i was in. literally right there.

in the ICU, 30ft from where i went for my physical. they’d just been about to put him on the vent, and then 13 minutes later they stopped CPR because they were breaking his ribs.

and the thing is.

i haven’t seen him in 5 years, almost to the month. i cut him off after halloween the year of my 21st birthday in december. he left a card in the doorframe and i ripped it up without reading it. that’s the last contact he tried to make.

i haven’t even been in the same city as him in all that time, much less the same building, but for the singular moment that he came into the house all those years ago to grab something at my mom’s behest and beps fronted to barricade us in the bedroom and silently hyperventilate under the covers until his footsteps disappeared. mom promised never to let him near me like that again, and that was that.

no one else was allowed to go see him, so he was all alone and terrified.

and so the first time i’m in the same city, the same building, the same floor of that building. the first time i’m that close to him, he literally. just goes into cardiac arrest and croaks.

hard not to get delusional about that, ngl. i literally did not even know he was in that exact hospital until after. i had it in my head that he’d gone to the hospital he always sent his parents to but i forgot that he called an ambulance on saturday morning and would have obviously gone to that one because it’s local to his house.

i took that job at total random and had been dreading driving PAST my hometown to get there, but i’m desperate enough for money that i’ll do it. it’s a fucking 40 minute drive and i can’t stand it but they’re desperate enough for screeners that they called me back 8 hours after i submitted my application and i was in SO fast. obviously i took it.

it just didn’t CLICK.

what are the fucking odds!!!!

and so Now.

his marriage to his new hell wife is recent enough that she may only get the first 50k out of whatever the house sells for.

i’m not going to say what it’s worth but that. is barely anything. and even i would feel guilty not giving her some of my share if that’s all it’ll be.

i thought he wrote me out of his will but it turns out he didn’t even fucking write one at all. things COULD go to me and my sister.

it’ll be a long ass time before we get anything, is the issue, and like. i’m still poor i've been in a cardboard box of an apartment for years he may have been well off with his stupid fucking jailguard job by this point in life but it sure never felt like it when i lived with him and once we split from him 10 years ago it got even worse. it looks like it’s gonna be at least a year of fighting with the wife over money and i am not looking forward to it.

but then there’s his retirement, too. which is. also an egregious amount of money i never thought i’d see in my entire life which Obviously i would not get All of by a long shot but still. wow. that’s if they say he died in the line of duty and his retirement didn’t process before he croaked, which. is feasible given that he was Forced to retire Recently because of, wow! sexual harassment allegations. what a charmer. <3

my mom’s dumb psychics say shit like... the money will be definitely for me and boo, they’ll probably have to evict hell wife because she just refuses to go, boo won’t move out of the house (till they sell it n whatnot), and also dad doesn’t know he’s dead so i should expect a creepy dream soon where i have to encourage him to go into the light.

super! looking forward to it.

get real lmao.

though the mental image of him throwing his arms around and hollering at g-d because he’s angry he died was a funny one to be told. like. yeah, dude. get mad! it’s not like you could have done something to mitigate or prevent or lower your chances of this or anything.

(he wasn’t vaccinated and like, up to a week before he got ill he was still telling people covid wasn’t real. his other brother who i did NOT call was actually trying to tell my mom that the way he was sick on the phone with her might not have had anything to do with covid, y’know, since it’s all a conspiracy to control the population he could have just had something else.)

(okay, jimmy. have fun with that.)

(g-d i fucking hate jimmy. not even going to get into the shit he said about me. lol this whole family thinks i somehow could have done better and i’m like mmmmm yeah see, no, because it’s not my job to just Not Get Abused and then still be fine with my abuser when i fail to stop him. fuck all of you.)

so i have to run to village hall at 8am tomorrow to get a copy of his death certificate so i can apply for administration over that massively expensive stupid fucking house i died in before his stupid ugly wife gets there first because no FUCKING WAY can we let her take the whole damn thing no WAY. judges won’t like it either given that she quit her job the second she moved in and was just in it for the money which usually i’d applaud but she herself is a vile abusive bitch who tries to starve old women and her own grandchildren and also gave away my sister’s dog on national dog day once THAT was a thing that happened and ohhhh my mom almost beat her ass in the driveway kfdjhksdjfhd.

my family is normal and good

so yeah! that’s. all that! i was prepared from the outset to have complicated and contradictory feelings about this whenever it happened, so i’m not going to begrudge myself for any long-lost tender feelings i had towards him not because he was my father but because i know logically that the trauma bond he forged with me was powerful and it’s only natural that i’ll get messed up by the fact that he’s not in the world anymore whether i respect him or not. i think a person like him SHOULD be dead. i don’t think covid is a thing to wish on people but i’m not sad that he can’t hurt anyone anymore, except that he’s hurting people by leaving them to clean up his messes even now and my mother is angry. my sister is guilty. i’m empty. it’s kind of a musical chairs sort of deal. i spent all those years furious and fighting and never shutting up about who he was and refusing to let anyone dismiss it ever again, i made myself a horror i made everyone Hate me and i don’t even CARE about that because if you think it’s okay for him to have Done What He Did, and NOT EVEN to just ME, then i don’t fucking want you to love me, anyway.

i have no family but my mom and sister, and like... 50% of the time my one uncle i called on the phone. mom and boo are the ones who will yell at homophobes and transphobes and ableists even when i’m not there and boo will defend me tooth and nail behind my back and i couldn’t ask for a better sister. fuck our history, fuck the times we thought we’d hate each other forever, fuck the grudge about how we used to go at each other, that’s the ONLY family i have and i’m grateful for her. i’m fucking pissed that she’d been living with him this whole time and been neglected and dismissed and trampled on the WHOLE time and

g-d she got him a shirt and hat for father’s day and he never even took it out of the bag he lost it downstairs and didn’t even try to find it or wear it he just put it somewhere and forgot. literally fuck you. that’s just the most recent thing but it was constant and so much worse than that all our lives and i cannot stand that SHE feels guilty like she should have pushed him to go to the doctor or been a better daughter and i’m like Hon. he didn’t want to go so he wouldn’t have gone even if you did push. it’s not your job as the child to parent your own parent i am sick of us having to parent our parents. sick of it. sick to death.

so yeah. there’s that, i guess. fingers crossed i get to village hall fast enough tomorrow. pray for me lmao.

[phoenixkaizen]

Now that uve changed ur names back for some of ur fics have u calmed down some now or are u still really pissed at ur husband? Bc ngl id drop tf outta someone im supposed to love the Most if they didnt support me

I have managed to calm down quite a bit over the situation and I'm not panicking as badly anymore. Which is another reason I started changing my fic names back (and also, they aren't recognizable anymore under a different name and new username xD so much confusion). With me posting so much content, they kind hide on my main page now unless they are my recent update. But with the change of my username, I'm not as freaked out anymore. I will admit, I'm still timid about it just out of pure anxiety.

I am still super pissed off at my husband for the things he said. I only talked about a little bit of what he had said during his whole rant. Somethings that I just can't look over wholeheartedly.

He did let me delete the screenshots off of his phone (also thank god for his terrible memory at times which works in my favor) so he doesn't have those anymore.

I did give him an ultimatum that if he ever broke my trust again (referring back to him going behind my back after I explicitly asked him not to look into it), I would absolutely walk out the door and not come back or he would leave and go back to his mother's.

It was a major invasion of my privacy. Something I have been doing/working on LONG before I ever met him. This is fully something I love and enjoy doing. He will not take that from me. Even if I have to hide it from him.

The biggest thing is: we have kids together. I will never truly have him out of my life rather I'm involved with him or not.

While he doesn't know that I do still have them, he did promise that he wouldn't go looking into something if I asked him not too. So, we shall see if he actually keeps that promise. I am still contemplating leaving. Which has been on my mind even before this whole shit show happened. I will admit, I'm hesitant because he is such a big part of my life and I do really love him. It's just hard, you know?

[autistic-council-spectre]

this is all v long and stream of consciousness lmao sorry read mores don't like me here

like i haven't touched on the Nihlus an Zan relationship much outside jokes ("you ran me over with a CAR" "I SAID I WAS SORRY?????") but i figure they are fairly close

like turians are group+family orientated an idk if Nihlus has canonically had to train someone before? but the image of him going 'yes i want my first idiot bastard to be human' is...... hilarious and fitting ngl

but they do end up close, they remind him a lot of himself an Saren in some ways+Zan just. Gets People To Like Them? its weird and Nihlus is halfway convinced it's witchcraft but it works on infiltration missions so he doesn't question it too much and it's only w a minor sigh that he realizes yep. he's accidentally adopted this stupid fuckin human (saving his husband definitely helped he'll admit but it's still a lil weird)

an like,,,, concept that when Zan gets got it's one of their first away missions (Spectres flock together! but Zan wanted to prove smthin so they wanted to try a mission by themselves an it was supposed to be fairly straightforward) so Nihlus is like :) fuck

he's still working for the council at this point (i figure he retires after the reaper war and saren is probably quasi retired? like he doesn't do a Lot of missions but sometimes will help out the other Spectres) so he just YEETS himself into his work to avoid thinking about the fact that yes a good amount of Spectres get got but Zander was still young

(an it doesn't help that turians tend to live a lil longer so he sometimes looks at Zan a lil like "thats a bit of fledgling" an they're also so v squishy)

an it's a couple years in that they start hearing thay Cerberus is acting up even more so Saren is a state of 🔪🔪🔪🔪 an Nihlus loves him and supports his murder cause while wanting to make sure he's semi safe

AND THEN. they start hearing of,,,,a something. ppl aren't sure what it is but high ranking officials start dropping dead? buildings go up in flames, the murders look horrific and sometimes they can't positively ID what species the person used to be but the pattern tends towards alien or ppl protesting Cerberus

eventually they get a semi ID: bipedal, roughly human height if on the taller end, what they assume are body mods but the humans take to calling it a demon and Eventually a Barghest (after that it seems to lean more into that motif)

so Nihlus, still semi throwing himself into his work, offers to go out and try to take down the Barghest bc the casualties are going up steadily and the Council is begining to get more than a little concerned about this. partially due to the fact they don't need ANOTHER issue on top of the Reapers

the dramatic lil bitch in me says it's a masquerade ball that he finds them. "they'd be gone by then" I am gay and dramatic i can do what i please. and besides their helmet looks like a wolf skull so it wouldn't be too far off the bat

and The Barghest doesn't know that spectres are there, all they're aware of is their handler said there's a target to be taken care off and it's a ball and we'll ppl might look at them like "that's not wholly proper" but oh well

GOD OR BY SOME HAPPENSTANCE NIHLUS IS THE TARGET

so they meet and Nihlus knows and it's weird. he anticipated a murderer that was more animal than person but this one is? charming? and it's weird..it's weird and Familiar somehow and he hates it

so they go off the dance floor into some dark corner (they made some talk about 'getting away from the crowds for a moment') and Nihlus makes the first move. and it catches them off guard, they make some snarky remark before realizing oh! he is actually trying to kill them and it's.... Actually mildly upsetting

so there's a scuffle and how no one hears them neither of them know but their mask goes flying and clatters and Nihlus freezes up. bc under him is his protege who..is snarling up at him like the animal he thought they would be

and they end up stabbing him in the ribs (that tail is....very sharp) and throw him off them before scuttling away as quickly as their legs can carry them

the other Spectres find him and he recovers but he's still....in shock. Zander isn't dead. Zander is the Barghest.

The council is going to throw a fit he thinks while high off his ass.

[luvdsc]

oh, i hope you can visit your grandparents soon!! and, yeah, everything kinda sucks right now :( but i do hope your grandparents are well and safe. and, ugh, id love to do all of that!! i guess youve been to a lot of farms then, right? do you have like a favourite thing? like is it milking cows or picking fruits? haha i guess im still a baby?? its funny to hear that you miss high school because i cant wait to get into college? like that independence and everything!! but id love to go to (1/4)

hong kong and vietnam again!! aside from asia i think id love to go to england? or like in general an english speaking country? i really love to english language and id love to go somewhere where they only speak english. i feel like thats just different from learning the language in school 🤧 and, ohhh, youve got plans!! a global rotation sounds soooo cool!! i hope you get to do all of that!! and, oh, i really love jake!! i feel like rosa is too cool for me you know? i do love all of them (2/4)

and, yes!! the art in japanese films are always on a whole new level!! 'your name' comes to mind when speaking about beautiful japanese films!! youre soo right in the heir its so noticeable that they arent 16 or whatever fdadfad as a high schooler im just like 'uh, literally nobody looks like that wtf'. ngl i absolutely loved the drama in the heir asdfads and im definitely gonna look into age of youth when ive got time!! and, oh, my painting isnt good at all asfadf i dont even know where i (3/4)

put it because i just couldnt look at it dfsafd and, oh, yeah, i heard that about oil, but i think its also nice because you can fix smth hours later? but you definitely need patience haha and thats a nice tip!! definitely need to keep that in mind!! and, oh, ive only seen people use white as a base, why do you use a yellow? what difference does it make? sorry for the late reply btw!! i spent my weekend catching up with school and everything!! hope your weekend was nicer!!💕 (4/4)

✿ ✿ ✿

ahhhh i really hope so, too! they’re quite old, so i’m hoping they’re doing ok during the pandemic ): ah yeah, i’ve been to quite a few of them!! i really enjoy seeing and petting all the animals, but picking fruit is quite fun! of course, it’s not fun after doing it for more than a couple hours, but my family likes to drive out to the cherry orchards outside of the city and pick some when they’re in season! my parents also really like fruit trees, so we have over 30 different variety of fruits in our backyard :’) and a little veggie garden!! college is honestly my favorite time out of all my schooling, like yes, the independence is amazing, and you’re not like a whole adult yet, y’know?? i still get to do a bunch of dumb things with my friends, but i’m also living on my own and having my own little place for myself is so nice!!! i miss it a lot ): my last quarter of college overall is being spent at home because of the virus, so i guess my true college days are over now /: but i’m sooo excited for you to experience college when you do! 💗

omg how is hong kong? i’ve never been there before, but i want to! and do you want to visit certain places in vietnam? and oooo i’ve only been to london in england, but i really love it a lot!! also omg wait, is english not your main language?? :o this entire time i thought you were a native speaker oh my god asdflkjahsf you’re saying you became fluent from classes in school??? i wish i paid more attention in spanish class now 😭 and yes!!! I really want to travel, and the global rotation program my future employer has is one of the reasons i chose to sign with them! omg yes jake is honestly husband goals :’) he’s such a wholesome character, i love him!! but also yes, i feel that, like i’m honestly always just heart eyes at rosa, she’s too cool ashldfkas

ooo omg yes i’ve seen that ‘your name’ before!! the graphics are indeed gorgeous :’) i watched the anime ‘free’ with my friends, and i remember it had absolutely stunning graphics, like especially the scenes with the cherry blossoms in the pool. and yes!!!! omg i was in hs when i saw it the first time and i was also like ??? no one looks like that here LOL i really enjoyed the progression of the relationship between tan and his brother, but i was really sad when his brother had to give up his gf ): tbh i liked the side stories more than the main couple in the heirs, like hyoshin and rachel made me happy for some reason askjdfhas 

and oh nooo ): maybe you can repaint it into something you like? also, yes, that’s true! it’s easy to fix with oil since it takes like 12 days to fully dry! but it also means i have to wait a long time before painting the next part /: ah it’s personal preference for the color of your base, but i use yellow ochre because it’s not as noticeable if it shows through the paint layer on top of it! like if you don’t fully paint over an area, those tiny spots are more noticeable with white than a dull yellow color :)  of course, if you’re doing a pastel, lighter color painting, then you should use white because that blends in more than the yellow! i tend to use a darker color palette, so i prefer the ochre :D and omg no worries, school is important! i hope your classes are going well 💕 and thank you! my weekend went well!! i finished my coding assignments, analyzed some case studies for class, and facetimed my friends 💓