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ksoap-ie · 5 years ago

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‘Selfish’ // Ha-Eun

A/N: I’m back after a CRAZY two months. I suddenly felt inspired to write so here I am. It took me sometime to figure out if I wanted to write something based on shows ASTRO have been on or if I wanted to write more about Eun herself.

In the end, I thought we’d dive deeper into the mess that is Eun’s family and I’m telling you, it only goes downhill from here. I hope you enjoy!

“Let’s take 5 guys.” Jinjin says, laying on the ground, arms spread out. Ha-Eun sits on a bench. She brings her water bottle to her mouth, only for it to be empty.

“Hey I’m gonna go fill up my water bottle. Anyone else need refills?” She asks, to which the boys respond with a chorus of grunts. MJ stands up and offers to help out. The pair gather everyone’s bottles, walk out the room and head down the corridor, towards the fountain. They get halfway though filling the bottles up, when Eun’s phone rings. She takes it out her back pocket, seeing the caller ID as “DAD <3″ and then answering the phone.

“Hi Dad, what’s up?”

“Hi darling, I’m just calling to say that I’ve got some news!”

“Oh really?” She asks, tightening the lid of Moonbin’s bottle “What’s going on?”

“Your sister is getting married! She’s been telling me it’ll be next year in January, and they’ll be going to Spain!”

“Oh wow, that’s great! I don’t think I’ll be able to make it though. We’re preparing for comeback in February so I’m going to be really busy soon. Tell Areum congratulations for me though! I’ll give her a call tonight.”

“Can’t you just opt out? Everyone is expecting you.”

Ha-Eun begins to frown, and switching her phone to her other hand, she replies, “You know I can’t do that, I’ll struggle so much if I get behind.”

“It would do no harm in asking your managers.”

“Dad, please.” She sighs, rubbing her forehead.

“Fine, whatever. Did you send your paycheck to my account yet?”

Upon hearing this, Ha-Eun’s mouth falls open and she stumbles, almost dropping her phone.

“Are you not going to work? I can’t, Dad. I can’t keep asking the boys for help because I don’t have enough money to look after myself.” At that, MJ tilts his head in concern, mouthing an ‘are you okay?’ at her. She nods, and listens as her Dad inhales sharply.

“Are you kidding me Eun?! You’re an idol for god’s sake. How damn hard is it for you to earn money and help your family out? You poor mother is sick, and I’m the one who’s got to look after her. Would it kill you to stop being so selfish and help out for once?” He spits.

Feeling her vision go blurry, Eun puts down the bottle and turns away from Mj.

“Sorry, you’re right.” She begins. A tear manages to slip out and she quickly wipes it away, “I’ll send you the money right away but I’ve got to go now. I’ll speak to you later, send everyone my love.”

With red eyes and a big smile, Eun back round to MJ. She picks up some water bottles and gestures for them to walk back. His eyebrows are creased and eyes filled with concern but regardless, he follows her back to the practice room without another word.

When they get back, Ha-Eun passes the bottles back to their owners and sits back on the bench. Hands buried in her head, hair covering her face and thoughts corrupting her brain.

He’s right, I am selfish. What kind of daughter am I if I can’t provide for my family? I probably won’t be able to pay for rent but maybe if I ask the boys for some extra chores, they can give me some cash. Or maybe I can sell some of my stuff-

“Okay everyone!” Jinjin stands up, clapping his hands, “Let’s start from the beginning.”

----------------------

Later that evening, Eun is in the kitchen, mindlessly stirring chicken in a pan as she repeats the phone call she had that day in her head for the nth time.

The boys dragged MJ into the larger bedroom as soon as they got home. MJ, Sanha, Eunwoo and Rocky sit on the bunk beds while Jinjin and Moonbin are on the single bed.

“Myungjun, is everything okay with Eun?” Jinjin asks, leaning forward slightly. A sigh escapes MJ’s lips, and not long after, he begins speaking.

“Her Dad called her again, I couldn’t exactly hear what he was saying but based on the replies she was giving, I think he was asking for money again.”

“Again?” Rocky’s mouth falls open, eyes widened “He’s asked every time we get paid.”

“And she’s left with pennies for the rest of the month...” Adds Eunwoo.

“Well that’s the thing,” MJ starts, with his thumb and pointer finger rubbing his chin, “It was different this time. She normally just agree’s but this time she tried to refuse. I don’t know what he said to her but I could hear him shouting. Whatever he said, she’s not happy about it and she’s still giving him money this month.”

“I don’t believe he’s using her money for essentials, it’s got to be more then that.” Rocky states, and Moonbin nods in agreement.

“Minhyuk is right, our parents don’t even ask us for money. We give it to them if we can afford it but this is outright stealing. If she’s refused then he’s aware that she can’t afford it.”

“Right...” Jinjin hums, “but if she’s refused then there’s nothing we can do about it. Let’s just figure out how to cheer her up and keep her safe for now, we can get to that issue later-”

Tap, tap, tap.

Simultaneously turning towards the door, the group is greeted with a forced grin. Since they got home, Eun changed from her dance wear into an avocado pyjama set. The top is white and the shorts are a mint green with avocados printed and spread out along the fabric. Covering the whole outfit is Sanha’s black zipper hoodie, which lands at her knees. If the situation wasn’t so dull, they’d be joking about her height, but they could only smile back and gather in the kitchen.

Eun-Ha hands each boy a bowl filled with veggies and meat. She grabs an apple for herself and munches on it while sitting on the sofa with the rest of the group. Eunwoo immediately notices her lack of meal, and scoots closer.

“Why aren’t you eating too?” He asks, frowning.

“Oh, I just didn’t fancy any meat today. If I left it, the chicken would’ve gone off and I don’t want to waste food so I made it for you guys instead. I’m not that hungry either.” She shrugs and turns towards the drama playing on TV.

“Here, at least have some fried potato,” Eunwoo offers, holding it to her mouth but she purses her lips and shakes her head. “It’s your favourite, come on.”

“I really don’t feel like it today, I had some for dinner yesterday anyways.”

Eunwoo sighs, knowing that wasn’t the case. Sanha cooked ramen yesterday because he couldn’t be bothered to cook a full meal. Even so, he watches the drama and continues to eat his meal.

The dinner was slightly awkward. Not on purpose of course, a joke was said here and there but aside from that, everyone was just stuck in their thoughts.

“Okay everyone, hand your plates to me. It’s my turn to wash up today.” Eunwoo orders after standing up. He collects everyone’s dishes and then walks to the kitchen. Turning on the hot water, Eunwoo drifts off in his own world as he got to work.

“Um, hey Eunwoo. I have a favour to ask of you.” a voice whispers, gently prodding at his arm. He rotates his head, seeing Eun’s tiny figure behind him.

“What’s wrong?”

“Well, I was just wondering...” With her eyes glued to the floor, Eun takes a deep breath and stumbles over her words. “You don’t have to agree to it, entirely your choice bu- but um... could you lend me some money for this week and I’ll do all your chores for you. I promise I’ll give it back when we next get paid... Oh! I’ll even let you use some of my special face masks, and I can make your bed in the morning-”

“Eunnie, you know that you don’t have to do any of that.” He places a hand on her shoulder and she responds by bringing up her gaze into his eyes. “Don’t be afraid to come to me when you need financial support, okay? I know you’ve been struggling, and it’s completely fine to ask for help.”

Her chin trembled, and a few seconds after, her gaze fell back to the ground. Nails digging into the soft palm of her hand when she clenched her fists. Eunwoo wrapped his arm around her shoulder, and slowly lead Eun to the couch, where they both sat facing each other.

She was almost still if it wasn’t for a tightening in her throat which caused her to let out short and repetitive intake’s of breath along with a river of tears to flow down her cheeks.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Eunwoo whispers, gently taking her chin in his hands. He uses his thumbs and tenderly wipes the tears spilling from her eyes. “what’s wrong Eunnie? I’m here for you, what’s wrong?”

“It’s just- I’ve just got so much on my mind.”

“What’s on your mind Eun? I’m here to help you.”

“My Dad keeps demanding I send him money... I’m not in a position where I have money to spare but I send it anyway. I even tried only sending over half of my wages but he asked for more and I- I couldn’t say no, Eunwoo. I feel so bad having to ask for you to lend me money when it’s not something I should have to do. It’s not fair, you- you should have that money to treat yourself but it’s being wasted on me. I tried to explain that to him but he just-” She takes a deep breath, calming herself down from the rambling. “He called me selfish Eunwoo and it’s true. I’m selfish if I don’t send money to my family and I’m selfish if I take money from you guys. I’m so, so selfish...”

Eun’s head hangs in humiliation and she clenches her fists even tighter. Blood slightly covering the edge of her finger nails and smudging along the bumps of her palm. Eunwoo takes Eun’s hand and unravels her fingers.

“Oh Eun, I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. We’ll figure something out, okay? Maybe for now, don’t answer his calls. Create some distance so he won’t be able to ask. I’ll support you until our next pay check, okay? If you need anything, ask me or one of the guys. They’re so worried about you Eun. We’re all so worried...”

She nods while concurrently sobs escape her lungs. In an attempt to calm her down, Eunwoo traces circles along her back. Eun scoots closer and lays her head on Eunwoo’s chest. Hearing the thumping of his heartbeat restores her breathing, and she listens to his hushed voice.

“I hope you know that it’s not selfish to ask for help. It’s wrong of him to call you selfish when it’s your property. He doesn’t own it and it’s wrong of him to demand for it and then guilt trip you when you say you can’t provide it. He may be your dad but that doesn’t suddenly make him equivalent to God. The position you’re in right now, the way your feeling, the only person who is at fault for that is him so please don’t blame yourself.”

Eun nods. The pair sit in silence for a few moments before Eun turns herself around so that she can bury her face in his chest and wrap her arms around him. “Thank you Eunwoo. Thank you so much. I’m so grateful.”

“Anytime little one,” he ruffles her hair and smiles. “I’ll tell you what. Go grab some of my face masks, I’ll go get some hot chocolate and a first aid kid ready. We can watch a drama together, sound good?”

“Hmmm,” Crossing her arms, a frown is placed on her features. For a second, Eunwoo panics, thinking he’s suggested something wrong. Oh god, I’m sure she likes hot chocolate. I swear she had it yesterday. Or did she have tea- “It sounds good but... it would sound even better if I can braid your hair.”

Eunwoo’s lips break into a grin.

“If that’s what will make you happy, then braid until dawn”

#eunwoo #kpop #kpop fanfiction #kpop member addition #astro #kpop astro #sanha #moonbin #mj #astro mj #jinjin #rocky #astro fanfic

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lordsister · 7 years ago

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I’ll Be Home (Jumin Han x Reader)

Pressing your hand flat against the smooth, cold glass of the window, you sighed, somewhat relishing in the slightly unpleasant feeling that radiated up your arm from the contact. Your tired mind spun with lazy, nonsensical thoughts.

If you kept your hand pressed against the window long enough, would it freeze to the glass?

Outside, flurries of snow drifted from the sky, resembling cotton balls. Cotton balls falling from the sky? That would be interesting.

Something soft brushed your leg and you reached down mindlessly to pet Elizabeth the 3rd. Weren't animals supposed to help relieve stress? If so, then Elizabeth wasn't doing her job right.

You heard her meow and finally tore your attention away from the window, meeting bright blue eyes gazing up at you with something that looked like concern. Or maybe you were just imagining it, like how you must've imagined Jumin promising you he would be home for Christmas.

For the year the two of you had been married, it felt like Jumin was only ever gone on business trips when something important was happening or when a particularly special holiday was going on. You had accepted it at first, reminding yourself that he was the Executive Director of a major international company and what that position entailed in terms of work, but you still found yourself unable to stifle the aching loneliness growing in your heart.

Of course, Jumin spent every free moment he had with you, but that presented yet another issue. Even when he was with you, it felt like he was only there in body, his mind and spirit still doing paperwork in his office.

Sighing, you shuffled over to the couch, flopping down on its luxurious cushions. Staring at the shadowy ceiling, you tried to will away the heaviness in your heart. Before he had left for his latest business trip, Jumin had assured you that he would be back before Christmas, that he would be there to spend the holidays with you.

Apparently that plan had fallen through yet again.

Jumin said he would be back on the 20th. It was now the 24th and there was still no sign of him returning. It was Christmas Eve, one of the happiest days of the year...and you were spending it alone. Sure, any of the other members of the RFA would probably be more than happy to take you in for the evening, but you didn't want to intrude on their own festivities.

Yoosung was with his family...

Zen was at a party celebrating the opening of a new musical...

Jaehee was busy with the holiday fervor at her cafe...

Seven and Saeran were rekindling their bond with the aid of Christmas spirit...

And V was...well, who knew where V was. The point was that all of them were busy with other things and by no means were you going to be a burden to them with your misery. Besides, none of them were who you really wanted to spend Christmas with...none of them were Jumin.

"I promise I'll be home in time for Christmas."

Bits of his last phone call ran through your mind like a broken record, making you bury your face in one of the sofa cushions. The last time you had talked to him was on the 19th, and the conversation had ended in tears, your broken, choked voice reminding him that he had promised you he would be there. Closing your eyes, you allowed the memory to play, desperately trying to analyze what went wrong and what you could've done differently.

"What time are you going to be back tomorrow?" you asked, a smile on your face as you held the phone between your ear and shoulder and poured yourself a mug of peppermint tea.

Jumin went silent on the other side of the phone and you froze, eyes wide as a foreboding dread filled the pit of your stomach. No...there was no way he would do this to you again...right?

"I'm really sorry about this, (y/n)..."

No.

"If it was my choice I would be there with you right now..."

Stop.

"I promise I'll make this up to you..."

Why not just keep the first promise, and not have to make anything up?

"But I won't be coming home tomorrow."

Your knees shook and you set the teapot down before you dropped it. Leaning against the countertop for support, you did your best to blink away the tears stinging the backs of your eyes, all of your effort given to steadying your voice as you asked, "The day after then?"

No response.

"The day after that?" you couldn't keep the tremble out of your voice as you asked again and his response pulled a heartbroken whimper from your throat.

"I don't know when I'll be back, but-"

"Not again, Jumin...please, not again," you pleaded in a whisper, not trusting your voice to hold steady if you spoke any louder. His sigh reached you through the phone and you pictured him running his hands through his dark, disheveled hair.

"I know I've missed a lot of time with you this past year, but-"

"I don't care about that, Jumin! It's in the past! I want you here now!"

"(Y/n)," his voice was firm, unyielding despite your evident tears and the exhaustion edging his voice. "Business here is taking longer than I thought it would, but I'll be back by Christmas Day at the latest..."

He kept talking, but you couldn't here it, your ears filled with the sound of rushing blood and the pounding of your own heart.

"(Y/n)? (Y/n), are you still there?"

"Yeah...I'm still here." Still alone, always alone.

"Look, I'm-" You heard the faint sound of a door open on the other side of the phone followed by the muffled sound of voices. A moment later, Jumin returned his attention to you, tone irritated and desperate."Something's come up and I have to go, but I will be there, (y/n). Please...just wait for me a little while longer and then I'm all yours."

Sure, you're all mine until the next business trip, you had thought but didn't say out loud, instead settling for a weak, tired "Okay." Slumping to the kitchen floor, you allowed your tears to run free, small sobs escaping your lips.

"I love you, (y/n). More than anything."

Oh, how you wished you could have complete faith in those words.

"I love you too, Jumin. Come back to me soon." And with that you hung up, curling into a ball and allowing your cries freedom to fill the quiet of the giant apartment, unrestrained.

When you told him you loved him, you meant it with all your heart and you always would, but loving Jumin was starting to hurt and your budding doubt over the sincerity of his feelings was taking its toll.

Now, as you lay sprawled on the sofa, Elizabeth curled against your side and purring louder than you had ever heard before, questions consumed your battered heart. Was it really too much to ask that your husband be with you during your favorite holiday? Or were you just being too selfish? You wanted to be as supportive of Jumin as possible, you really did, but why did it make you feel so...unloved? Was it normal to feel this way?

Each negative thought felt like a knife to your heart, bringing fresh tears to your tightly shut eyes and making your raw throat burn. Why? Why did it have to be like this?

At that moment your phone rang and your eyes shot open, plunging you back into reality. Sitting up, you stared at the vibrating device for a moment, contemplating whether to answer it or not. You didn't really want to talk to anyone right now, but...what if it was important?

Picking it up, you looked at the caller ID, blinking a few times as your eyes adjusted to the bright light of the screen. You stared at it for a second, surprised to see that it wasn't Jumin who was calling you, but V. What could he be calling for?

"H-Hello?"

"Merry Christmas, (y/n). How are you doing?" the bluenette's calm, soothing voice asked, his tone carrying a concerned edge.

"Honestly," you sighed. "I've been better, but how are you?"

"Fine..." he trailed off and you could tell what was coming. There was no way V, Jumin's best friend, wouldn't know what had happened between the two of you. "Jumin called me a few days ago." And there it was. "He seemed really upset...and he was drunk."

"V, it's okay. You don't need to-"

"He was crying, (y/n)."

That made you pause, mouth opening and closing a few times. Jumin never cried. One of the biggest problems he had was that he tended to internalize everything, something the two of you had been working on, so to hear that he'd been crying was...astonishing, to say the least.

"He was crying?" you repeated, trying to process what that meant.

"You and I know Jumin better than anyone, (y/n). I know how much of a workaholic he is and I was afraid that would cause problems when he married you."

You snorted. "Looks like you were right."

"But I don't think either of you made a mistake in getting married," V continued, ignoring your bitterness. "In fact, I'm positive you're the greatest thing to ever happen to Jumin."

Running a hand through the white fur of the cat still lying next to you, you tried to focus on something other than the way your heart throbbed in your chest. "If only he felt that way too-"

"He does, (y/n)."

"How do you know that?" The words came out more intense than you had meant them to, but V didn't miss a beat.

"Because he told me so, (y/n)." Your breath stuck in your chest, the pace of your heart ever-increasing. "He told me how unhappy he is to have been away from you lately, (y/n), and how much he loves you."

Your bottom lip trembled. "Why couldn't he tell me himself, V?" Looking up at the ceiling, you tried to keep the tears blurring your vision at bay, tried not to get your hopes up. You hadn't heard such words of adoration from Jumin in a long time. "Doesn't he know how much it hurts me?"

"He's clumsy, (y/n). You and I both know that. Of course he realizes he's unintentionally hurting you, but he doesn't know what to do about it. He finally has someone he loves more than anything and he doesn't know what to do."

And it was at that second that you realized Jumin felt just like you- helpless, useless, unloved.

What you wouldn't give to have him back in your arms at that instant, ready to forgive and embrace everything that was him. He didn't have to be home for Christmas. You loved him. You would wait for him forever.

"(Y/n)? Are you-"

"Thank you, V. I think I understand now."

"..." The line went silent for a few seconds, and you could tell that the blue-haired man was picking apart your words, trying to discern whether you really did. "Okay," he finally said. "I'll trust you on this one. Take care of him for me, okay?"

You blinked. "Okay, but V-"

He hung up, cutting you off before you could point out that you had no idea when Jumin would be back. Setting your phone on the coffee table, you curled back up on the couch, thinking. For the first time in weeks you heart felt light, strong in your love of Jumin. You didn't know how much time passed before your eyes fluttered shut and you drifted off to sleep, the soft, golden lights of the Christmas tree playing against your eyelids.

You woke up several hours later and noticed two things that were different from when you first fell asleep.

First, you weren't on the couch anymore, soft sheets rustling against your skin.

Second, you were being embraced by a warm, comfortable weight.

In your sleepy daze, you snuggled closer, burying your face in something solid. A familiar scent filled your nose and your eyes flew open, shooting up into a sitting position and disturbing your sleeping husband as you displaced the arm that had been holding you close.

"J-Jumin!?"

He groaned in response, making you yelp as he pulled you back against him.

"How are you here? When did you get home? I thought you said you didn't know when-"

Jumin flipped you under him, silencing you with lips pressed passionately against yours. When he pulled away a minute later, he left you breathless. His gray eyes seemed to sparkle as he gazed down at you, brushing stray hairs away from your face.

"I said I'd be home for Christmas, didn't I?"

"Yes, but..." you trailed off, averting your eyes with a blush. Jumin nuzzled into your neck lovingly, breathing you in. "I don't blame you for not believing me. I haven't really done anything to make me very credible lately, but (y/n)?"

Your eyes flicked back to his and your heart swelled at the pure and utter love you saw there. "I couldn't stand to be without you any longer." Cupping your cheek in his large hand, he pleaded, "Please, forgive me for leaving you alone again, (y/n). I'm sorry I made you wait so long."

You smiled naturally for the first time in weeks, tears not of sadness but happiness flowing down your face as you looped your arms around his neck and drew him in for another, longer kiss. "I forgive you, Jumin. I'd have waited as long as it took for you to come back to me."

Wetness dripped onto your face and your eyes widened as your aloof husband, the great Jumin Han, trust-fund kid, and CEO-in-line, cried. Reaching up, you brushed his tears away with your thumbs, kissing him again and again and again.

In that instant, neither of you needed to say anything, enough conveyed through eyes and touch alone. You knew he absolutely loved you, and he knew you absolutely loved him in return.

When he had calmed down, you asked the question that had been weighing on your mind since you realized he was back, the answer to which you were almost afraid of. "When do you have to leave again?"

"Not for a month, and I'm taking you with me from now on." Your jaw dropped, at a loss for words. "(Y/n)?"

"Thank God!" Hugging him close with a new fervency, you buried your face in the side of his neck, enjoying the feel of your husband finally in your arms again. Jumin returned the embrace just as tightly, an affectionate chuckle making his broad chest vibrate.

"I can't leave you behind anymore, (y/n)."

"And I can't be without you anymore, Jumin!"

You and he had already kissed so many times in the space of a few minutes, but yet again you found his mouth pressed to yours, both he and you smiling through the contact. You were pretty sure you would never get tired of kissing this beautiful man.

"Merry Christmas, (y/n)," he murmured against your lips, hands trailing down your sides to coax your legs around his waist. "I love you."

"Merry Christmas, Jumin." Trailing your lips along his jaw and up to his ear, you felt a shiver go down his spine as you whispered, "I love you, too."

The rest of that Christmas Day was spent in intimate reunion, you and he gifting each other kisses and touches as your hearts mended. All was right with the world so long as you had him and he had you.

A/N: MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!! I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your year!^^ I do not own Mystic Messenger or any of its characters.

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thattimdrakeguy · 6 years ago

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If anyone’s curious if that bitter anon from yesterday came back, they did.

I’m not gonna directly respond to it, because at this stage maybe they’ll leave it be if I don’t, but just to summarize what they said and how I feel about it to anyone that’s curious, here it is.

The anon starts it off by saying “You must have mental health issues”, which I didn’t really have a response to, because I only really raised my eyebrows and wondered what they were doing on Tumblr if they seemed to be so hateful. This isn’t a website that predominately supports that kind of behavior. They actually do the exact opposite. They frown at that sort of behavior.

It’s also pretty irrelevant too, because that doesn’t change anything I said. That still remains.

So the trend of irrelevant statements is still here.

Then the anon go on to act like and say they weren’t doing what I said they done, even though some of it shows in the asks I did let people see.

They go back to just say “Just thought you should tag your posts”, and they say it like that’s all they said, even though I still have those asks up, and you can still see the part were they tried to call me a coward. So it’s not exactly like that’s all they was saying.

but they learned a bit.

He’s not calling me a coward anymore, they’re calling me a liar, because they doesn’t believe that I don’t tag Damian in critical posts out of respect, but then

why exactly do you think I don’t tag it? I tag the other Batboys when I critique their writing, I think the only other Batboy I don’t occasionally is Jason, because every now and again I see some of his fans in the tag get aggressive, and it’s pretty obvious to see they don’t wanna see it. So why would I tag it for them to see?

Do you just want people to yell at me for having an opinion? That’s sort of a ridiculous point. That’s not very gentlemanly.

If it’s going to upset people why do you want me to tag it?

Maybe you just want it to be more open to response, but it still is open to response if anyone wanted to.

I’ve already talked about the time I became friends with someone talking about our views on Detective Comics Rebirth, even though I sounded more genuinely mad about Detective Comics Rebirth in the post we started talking over and we didn’t even agree on it.

I don’t deny people the opportunity to not respond when I don’t tag it. I could turn off responses. I’m just not gonna make people see a post they don’t want to see in the tags.

I’m aware these may not be your points, but this is how you’re coming off. You don’t seem to actually have a point, and if you did, it’s not a very good one. So that’s the point I’m trying to make more clear.

You even had a chance to response to it in a polite orderly way, but you blew it on saying irrelevant stuff that wasn’t really an argument past the level of superficial.

In the end your argument rattled down to “I personally liked that stuff” and “other people liked it”, it’s not much of an argument to waste the time over, and I’m not gonna yell at you because you liked it.

So don’t think that’s what I’m trying to do to you, I mostly just been trying to point out how you don’t seem to have a logic to your responses.

If someone told me they just liked the stuff that I didn’t? As long as they took the time to read and actually consider what I had to say, who am I to care? I’m not gonna be thinking about it all night because of one singular guy.

Before I went to bed I already forgot about you.

I think they’re just upset that I had enough problems with the writing Damian has that I could fit it in an essay long post, but that doesn’t change the fact I still talked nice about Damian in some spots, and have probably made even longer posts about some of the bad writing Tim suffered.

So it doesn’t feel like his frustration is completely just.

It just boiled down to, they really like Damian, and they wanted me to tag it so more people to see it, but then why does that upset them so much? I explained why I don’t tag it, but they still don’t believe it. Why do they want me to tag it so badly? To open it up to more responses? Sure, but that doesn't take away from the fact that it appeared that more people would be upset than happy to respond. Which I already tried to explain to them. Why would they rather people be more upset? It doesn’t come off like they have a just reason from every viewpoint I’m able to look at. To tag it causes more problems than to not. It’s simple. So let me respect people’s wishes by not tagging it.

I don’t feel like not wanting to upset people with my opinion is something that makes me a coward, and it’s not something I’m lying about. If they aren’t going to understand that, and just continue to call me a liar, than I’m afraid he’s stuck.

If it’s something about believing that the people who enter the Damian tag have the right to see it. Then you’re just ignoring how people told me they don’t want to see it in the Damian tag or maybe you just don’t want to believe that. You continue to call me a liar, so you show you don’t believe it one way or another.

Maybe you’re just trying to flip the coin of my logic around to look more selfish. Thinking that I’m somehow selfish for not allowing people to see them, or maybe you think I’m selfish because I don’t want to be yelled at for my opinions,

but I already told you why I don’t. You just don’t believe it. So again it just comes back to you not believing me, you’re still stuck, and fighting a lost cause, because I know what my reasoning was even if you don’t believe it for what ever reason you have.

You might just have poor connotation for me since I spoke ill about the writing Damian has had, and can’t believe that maybe I’m not as devious as you hoped I was when you started to enter my inbox.

Sorry to let you down if that is the case.

Which I admit I’m not sure of, but I’m seeing enough to show that it could easily be the case.

In the end I’m not sure what your actual logic is. I’m giving out what I can only understand to be the logic, because it doesn’t make sense to me any other way unless maybe you just don’t have any logic because you don’t know what you’re doing.

If your logic turns out to be something I said though, and you’re still angry at me;

Recognize your own behavior first, because you don’t have a good reason to say what you say.

You had a hunch for what ever reason you do, and you rolled with it, and it’s false.

People assume false things all the time. I’m not gonna claim to know everything about you. I’m only trying to understand you, and explain to you why your logic isn’t good as a learning experience, because hasty behavior is something you can still learn from.

I’m still not 100% sure if they read the posts 100% either by the way, because they say they’re not trying to gaslight me, but I already said in one of them that I’m pretty sure they didn’t actually know what gaslighting was, but they were showing that behavior, meaning it was probably a coincidence but they were still inadvertently doing it.

Because it’s either that or they genuinely didn’t know what a lot of words meant or maybe they just don’t know what they’re doing and just saying stuff as they went along.

They could possibly be trying to gaslight me into thinking I’m a liar, at this point though I’m not sure why they’re continuing to say things at all, but if they actually looked at what gaslight means I’m not sure if they’d continue that if they knew what it meant. Id be nonsensical if they did.

So I don’t really think that’s what they’re doing, at least not on purpose (like what I assumed last time), but at the same time when I think about it, I’m not really sure what they’re trying to do, because I know I’m not lying and grating at that point is pointless.

I’m gonna note as well that they don’t bring up straw man arguments to deny that, and they changed their stance from coward to liar.

So it seems like they’re recognizing some stuff at least a touch, it’s just they don’t all the way.

Maybe they genuinely just think I am a liar, and are having a hard time figuring out their words as they’re pissed about it, but they went from coward to liar. So it’s hard to tell what they actually think when I think about it. They make it complicated to follow since they don’t use any logic besides assumptions and nonsequiters.

At the very least they might’ve been trying to make me bandwagon by saying what other people think, but if they think I actually care what random people think, I do not believe they know how I work. I pretty much got this blog popular by being honest and not bandwagoning with other people.

If they weren’t saying it to do that, then they were just speaking random, or maybe just trying to make me feel bad about my opinion.

If not, why bring it up like it adds anything?

Just to see if that’d upset me?

It adds more fire to the idea that they believe I’m more devious than I actually am, or just that they don’t read my posts all the way through to garner a better idea of what my thought processes are like.

Or even maybe they’re just sore that I don’t agree with them and can’t help but say what comes to mind, only to create the mess they made my inbox be.

They also say “Don’t care if you like Damian or any of the other Batboys [not sure why you’re bringing that up]”, and it’s so silly, because it’s just ignoring the obvious at this point.

You gave me now 6 asks that are completely salty about me not liking Damian. Ya kept bringing up stuff like how you felt he was popular, and cute, and all that, when nothing about it was relevant, because I never asked you what you thought, or said he was or wasn’t popular. I’m open for a discussion on it, but nonsequiters in a pissy tone isn’t a discussion. You’re just randomly telling me what you thought while sounding upset. There’s a difference.

It’s the kind of stuff people say when they’re upset.

It wasn’t done to show an actual argument, there wasn’t logic or anything, you didn’t really try to explain it too well beyond what you simply felt. You only felt it, and it’s okay that you have your own opinion that you feel, but when I made a critical post, I gave my own logic, my reasoning, so forth, and you respond with what’s practically nonsequiters. You don’t come off like you’re trying to debate me, or give your own argument.

You just come off like you’re upset at me.

Saying that he’s popular, and that you think he’s cute doesn’t challenge anything I said for it to be a debate/discussion or even argument.

In one of the asks I didn’t share, because I was worried it might’ve been one of the more embarrassing ones for you, there was only one effort at logic.

You said that Damian could have cute mannerisms, but it still feels like a nonsequiter because when I explained the multitude of different things about his mannerisms and behavior that are disgusting and horrific. It comes off again like you didn’t read my posts all the way through before you tried to respond.

It seems like you saw that I didn’t agree with you and got ahead of yourself, and people do that on occasion. Everyone does at one point in their life, but please just learn from it.

Damian’s made several sexual comments towards Steph, has a prison he makes people suffer in, constantly assaults the other Robins, has a nasty attitude towards other people, stalks people, constantly kidnaps people, and insults people even when they’re having a nervous break down,

They said he could have cute mannerisms in the context of me being upset that other characters called Damian cute in some terribly written comics, but when I give the obvious logic of why him being cute doesn’t work, and you ignore that; saying that he could be doesn’t function as an argument, because I already explained why that doesn’t work. It’s not like a real argument when you don’t take the time to listen to the other person.

Which may come off as irony to you, because there’s a possibility that you think I’m replicating the behavior of not listening to you, but you aren’t giving me anything to listen to, and if you’ve been reading my posts (which you might not be), I acknowledge what you have to say, it’s just what you’re saying doesn’t make enough sense to respond to it more head-on anymore.

Your headcanons, or any writing that ignores his behavior without character development isn’t going to make your argument a strong one or give good reasoning.

Your other responses only end up just being random and defensive, like how an upset person would reveal themselves. I.E. the comments on how he’s getting popular. That’s not much to respond too, and doesn’t really make an argument, if that’s even what you’re viewing it as.

So I think they’re just oblivious to their own behavior when it comes to the more random stuff (or they could just be trying to upset me somehow), while there’s a chance they might be trying to play dumb so they can at least seem oblivious.

It’s very ridiculous, because if it’s not something that’s a conscious decision, it’s still a bizarre thing to read when the other person is trying to make a point of some kind.

You can’t say that you don’t care, and then continue to act upset, because that shows you care at least a little bit in some way.

I don’t care a lot about what you have to say, because of reasons I’ve already stated, but I care about giving you to chance to improve yourself and how you present yourself.

They also end it by saying “when Tim gets a new suit I’ll be back to look on you”, like they’re trying to scare me maybe. I can’t tell why they brought that up. I guess because they’re well aware I don’t like Tim’s new suit, but again,

that’s incredibly irrelevant, and only makes you look more frustrated.

I know you’re trying to upset me by reminding me of that, but you’re continuing the same pattern as always.

If I didn’t care about anything you said before I’m not gonna care about that, and don’t try to send me another ask projecting onto me or saying that I secretly am upset at Damian becoming popular (saying that since maybe that was what they was trying to do by bringing that up), because think about it.

At this stage I’m just pointing out what makes no sense about what you say. I’m not really complaining about anything past “stop saying irrelevant and illogical stuff” am I? Something that’s gonna bite you in the butt if you try to say either one of those things basically.

They also said “I’ll be back to look on you” after saying “block me”, so I don’t know how they think they’re going to be able to see any of my posts if I block them.

They didn’t really learn much in the end.

The next time they send me an ask I probably won’t even summarize it, because it’s just gonna be more of the same I imagine, I’m not gonna respond even if it’s funny, because I think that’d be bad taste at that point.

If they learn about how they’re acting, then maybe that’ll warrant a response, but they haven’t so far.

They never even denied they were a kid, and so if it comes to making fun of a kid, I’m not going to do that. I’m just trying to let them know that what they’re saying isn’t logical, and to get them to learn about their behavior. Being aggressive like this over the internet is something a lot of people will regret after a while.

They’re very lucky that they’ve been doing this as an anon, and not showing their full time account, because id only bite them in the future even more that way. They at least have the cool down of knowing that no one knows who they are (unless they told somebody).

The main reason that I haven’t blocked them yet is because I genuinely think that they might have the capacity to learn from what they’ve done, and maybe not even right away, but perhaps sometime they will.

So I just want them to learn, but if they won’t, then I’m not gonna play tutor.

(I’m adding this bit at the end to make it more clear, because maybe I’m beating around the bush too much.

You say one thing to deny something, but then you continue to act in a way that shows the opposite, making it look like you’re either lying, playing dumb, or oblivious to what you’re doing.

You can even deny it again in another ask, but if you read anything I say, it’s incredibly obvious what you’re doing. You might just not be aware of your own behavior yet.

Everyone has to learn about their own behavior at one point or another. It’s a part of growing up and becoming a person. It’s harder for some other people, but a realization can help people grow a long ways.

I know you’re upset that you don’t know what I’m talking about, and believe that I’m misunderstanding you, but look at the proof. People often don’t know what they’re doing at the time until later.

I’m not trying to yell at you.

Just learn about yourself, and improve.)

#I know I'm repeating a lot of what I say in just this post and from other posts #but I'm hoping maybe repetition or explaining it in different ways may help make what I'm trying to say more clear #Discourse

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twilightofthesandwiches · 6 years ago

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Honestly, Pearl\Rose is the most tragic of the Bad Relationships in Steven Universe because... they could have worked. You can see the potential for an actually healthy ship there, but they never got to that point.

It Could've Been Great, but it wasn't.

We know very well that Pearl holds Rose in very high regard and that she loved her dearly, but it's important to remember that this feeling was *mutual*. Remember; "My Pearl" isn't about Rose 'owning' Pearl, it's a play on "My Diamond" - she was adressing her like she was one of Homeworld’s highest-ranking Gems. Because I think that Rose really did see Pearl as amazing and wonderful and awe-inspiring the way ordinary Gems are supposed to see the Diamonds.

Pearls are supposed to be servants and decorations, but Pearl learned how to be a warrior and a strategist and an engineer and a scientist and an intellectual and so much more. Pearl was the one who showed her the wonders of the earth, who allowed her to be Rose Quartz - both in appreance and philosophy. Along with Garnet, Pearl's love confession is what showed Rose that Gems could be so much more than what they are 'supposed' to be.

Out of all the Crystal Gems, Rose seems to be the one who feels that she is most *bound* by her designated role. Even after she shattered her old life, she was still a leader and a warlord and she probably felt like she was still not 'free' of her responsibilities and guilt. She still kept on making decisions without regards to others, she couldn’t let go of the coping mechanisms she developed in her old abusive househild... with all the effort she did, literally reinventing herself as a new Gem, she still felt like she was still the same immature, childish Gem made to dump all of White Diamond’s Id and worst flaws into.

“ When a Gem is made, it's for a reason. They burst out of the ground already knowing what they're supposed to be, and then... that's what they are. Forever. “

For someone who wanted, most of all, to be free, to be new, to be different - someone like Pearl is incredible and inspirational.

"Love Like You" is a thematic song that could apply to many characters - including both Pearl singing about Rose and Rose singing about Pearl.

And yet, after all of that, she still did this to her.

In the offical SU Podcast, Pearl was described as Alfred if he was in love with Batman - spesifically not Bruce Wayne but just Batman. And I think that was... I don't wanna say the the root issue because this issue was caused and effected by a lot of Rose and Pearl's other issues. But, look, Pearl being in love with Rose Quartz and not Pink is not just about Rose's sweet, sweet Gem Tits, it's about the fantasy Rose represents.

"But I've been imagining things. Even when you haven't asked me to, I imagine that I ran away and met you here on Earth, a Rose Quartz. And I'm not yours, but I make you so happy anyway!"

Pearl wanted to see Rose and Pink as two different people cause she wanted Rose to be someone she loves while she is free. Someone who doesn't have so much power over her. Someone who wasn't complicit in her oppression. And Rose wants to separates between her Rose Quartz and Pink Diamond persona, Too. Not just because she prefers the name and the look of Rose Quartz (totally valid) - but because she ALSO wants to buy in into the idealized fantasy of Rose Quartz. Someone who wasn't responsible for the Kindergartens and the invasion of earth, someone who isn't complicit in the oppression of all Gems and Pearl in spesific, someone who is inspirational in their own right, someone who does the right thing, someone who always stands up to what's right.

But that... well.. that wasn't the truth, was it? Steven's arc is about people acknowledging him as a separate person from Rose\Pink cause that's who he IS. That’s the truth, he’s a seperate person. But to understand Rose Quartz we need to understand that she IS the same person as Pink Diamond. Pink's faults are Rose's faults, Pink’s flaws are Rose’s flaws, Pink’s misdeeds are Rose’s misdeeds.

While Rose was fighting to allow Pearl and all Gems to be free of the Diamonds and of the Caste system - Pearl still continued to serve Pink. Still calling her "My Diamond" even when they are in private (So it’s not like it was just a show for Blue and Yellow). And that was 'okay' in her eyes cause that's something Pink did and not Rose. This is probably how Rose justified that Gag Order to herself. Pink Diamond gag-ordered Pearl, not Rose Quartz. Rose could never change her mind and go “Hey that was actually bad let’s not mind-control Pearl into keeping my secrets”, not even when she knew she was passing away and basically sticking Pearl with that Gag Order forever (If Pearl wasn’t clever as hell, that is) - because that would mean acknowledging that she’s Pink Diamond and she can’t do that.

She never wants to look back, after all.

It's no coincidence that the scene that shows just how fucked the relationship was, is the scene where Pearl is ordered to never say that Pink and Rose are the same.

It’s a recurring motif in Steven Universe, just because someone loves you, and loves you dearly, doesn’t mean they can’t hurt you too. Blue Diamond and Yellow Diamond loved Pink Diamond, as seen in the depth of their grief - but they also abused her, hurt her. And Rose clearly loved Pearl too, but that Gag Order... is a form of hurt too.

Yeah, the power-gap between their designated Homeworld roles is very large - but I don’t think THAT was the thing that doomed that relationship. Ruby and Sapphire also started with a rather large power-gap in the Homeworld System. Ruby was a body-guard assigned to the aristocratic Sapphire. Ruby was pretty much designed to care about Sapphire’s physcial well-being and to put her charge’s life before hers - since Rubies are considered replaceble.

But Ruby and Sapphire don't DENY this is where they came from, it's something that they are aware of and are trying to work on. Yeah, sometimes Ruby still falls into the ol' mindset of being replacable and unimportant, but Sapphire always reminds her that it's not so. Pearl and Rose could have never worked on that cause they are both way too invested in the fantasy of Rose Quartz as seperate from Pink Diamond and also Pearl LITERALLY PHYSICALLY COULDN'T TALK ABOUT IT AND IT WAS ALL ROSE'S FAULT!

Once again, it's no coincidence that the scene where Pearl finally defys Rose and outsmarts her own Homeworld programming - is the scene in which Pearl can finally reveal to someone else that Rose Quartz and Pink Diamond were the same person. The scene where she can finally admit it.

Even without the Gag Order, it's something Pearl had to accept about Rose to be healthy and happy. And after that she's able to talk about Rose in a less idealized manner, in a more real manner.

"And maybe she was foolish, and maybe even...selfish."

And it's only after she's able to admit it, able to tell the story of Rose Quartz in context of her once being Pink Diamond to other people - that they tell her another Truth. That she is responsible for her own liberation, that she helped Rose become the person she fell in love with, that she *swept Rose off her feet*, that she inspired her.

Pearl is a Gem full of achivements, but through the whole show she struggled with the idea that those achivements were only thanks to Rose. That ROSE is the one who made her amazing.

(Early Notes for Rose’s Scabbad)

But not only can she be amazing without Rose, she is also just as responsible for making Rose amazing as vice versa! And it's not something she could see until everyone knew that Rose was Pink Diamond, until everyone knew Rose didn’t actually spring fully-formed out of the Kindergarten. But this all didn't happen while Rose was alive. But maybe it could've. Maybe Rose could've grown out of her lying issues, and Pearl from her self-esteem issues togather and they could've talked about and worked through the power imbalance togather. Admitted that the power imbalance was even there, for starters!

But maybe not, in this timeline they sure didn't. Even though they loved each other so much, this relationship just couldn't work like this - with Pearl loving a perfect shadow and Rose wiping her hands of her own misdeeds. But maybe they could've worked.

It Could’ve Been Great.

#rose quartz #pink diamond #Pearl #steven universe #rosepearl

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idontwantshitanymore · 4 years ago

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TW everything maybe?

i want to rant to myself, i genuinely am tired of this. the notes app is fine but i mean this is my notes app now. im tired, of people, of dealing with things and emotions, of myself, of reality mostly. i always feel out of place, always literally every single time, i hate how its always as if im wearing a mask, waiting for the mask to fall off, then sitting in my room alone at night sad, because why couldn’t anyone see me? since this is a long rant and im a spoken essay addict, as im speaking this to myself, i will section this into ranting sections:

1) i hate myself. i hate everything about me, and not in a quirky outcast way, and not in the way that i Dont Acknowledge that im “loved” or whatever no, i hate myself because i know that whenever im “loved” it’s because im pretending to be what people like but in reality im disgusting and bored. i hate the way i talk and what i talk about how awkward i am. i hate that i stand in no where and fit in no place and i am as temporary as a stupid dress for some occasions. i hate how i look like and like aside from body like my smile sucks it’s wrapped to the side, my eyes are too small and my voice is too squeaky and breaks and gets too high sometimes. i hate that i only notice it when im back home. i hate where i live and how lazy and frustrating i am.. too bossy too hazy too weird.. im too much. too much.

2) i hate reality. i feel like im always less. and that feels shit because i also feel ungrateful because im not technically broke poor or unbearably ugly or in a completely broken family.. but they are also shit. i cant buy a single tshirt without contemplating how that will affect my budget. i though have to sit and watch people buy shit like money is water. i cant stand confidently or take a normal picture and will consider sewerslide if someone took my picture because i cant bare how ugly i am but to normal standards im “fine”. my parents are still together and they are alright to each other but i havent had a conversation with my dad like a full conversation apart from hello in approximately idk 5 years?? more? and we live in a 3 bedroom apartment together i see him everyday. i just dont actually see him do i? and my mom just shouts all day everyday until no end and then showers me with “care” then calls me selfish when i dont give it back or am not as active and happy as she is.. mental illness doesn’t exist here and i forget about that but reality is reality. not just mental health but actually everything doesnt exist here, dreams are wack and if i ever came out id be most definitely hunted. i cant travel anywhere because visas are actually a thing and i never can get any plus im broke. so my reality is.. forever alone in the closet wearing things i dont want to wear and saying things i dont mean and never having a family and never getting out of here.. i really should just d1e

3) i hate food. i hate myself before i hate food but i also hate food. i hate that im not skinny enough im not boney enough.. but im not sick enough i never was never will probably cuz im a coward. all my mental shit is in my brain, and sometimes i lay down just to imagine myself taking my insides out just to feel empty.. because im weak and i cant st@rve properly. i also dont taste food.. its been 3 and a half.. and food tastes like plastic to me.. i havent enjoyed a single meal in 3 and half years or even more honestly.. i cant fucking eat properly i just binge on plastic tasting things i want to rip myself apart.

4) i partially hate people around me. they arent bad people they are just good until im not what they want. until i dont play the role. until its no fun. good until im too mentally ill but no im faking that shit why such a bad mood, good until im too angry why am i such a rude person.. good until im not good enough. i also hate how jealous i get if they lose weight or if they are suffering because no i want to be the one that suffers the most.. i most probably deserve to just for thinking that. i like them i do and i care for them but it gets too much when im faced with my own ugliness that comes with dealing with people.

5) i loved my best friend. until she said that it never fucking mattered because it wasnt romance. i broke her heart but i too fucking hurt.. she liked me and thats alright and flattering but its not my fault i didnt feel the same. not my fault i dont want romance i can barely love anything. i dont want a girlfriend or the commitment or anything. it hurt because then was all her care and love just because she thought i liked her too.. just cause she thought she’d earn a lover? is this how it works? unconditional love my ass there was a condition they just trying to hide that cuz its too ugly to see the truth. i tried helping and being there and talking and communicating just because i never wanted to hurt her but no im the bad guy.. im the ugly ugly person and the toxic manipulator.. who also has their most known info about them that they never fall for friends and never take hints.. but ig no She Had To Be The Exception.. whatever im actually disappointed beyond belief.. i thought i can trust someone but ha ha fool is me.. no more trusting anyone everyone wants the mask on Everyone.

6) i hate my anger issues. it would be fine almost fine until something as minor as my brother touching my teddy bears and my anger rises like a fucking monster. why am i so angry all the time.. angry enough to st@b myself through the heart.. and it starts.. those stupid trials to stop being so angry that i get angrier and someone points it out and i get even more angrier and boom time to add barcodes to myself because i cant deal with the fucking anger.. and ok it would be fine at least if the anger was justified but no im just a bitch to everyone and moody as fuck and never can do anything because my brain doesnt work like ever.

in conclusion.. i as a whole am a creature that should’ve been de@d at least 3 years ago but didnt.. and now im just dealing with the fact that i wasnt. what a fucking nuisance. my whole existence is and the fact that im complaining in Parts about things mostly my own fault is insane. so ungrateful so unoriginal i must fucking end it i genuinely have to cuz this is too much. too fucking much and the future wont get me anywhere i should save my family the money.

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bobbiejwray · 7 years ago

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Is Forcing Gratitude on Yourself Effective in Recovery?

If you go to AA or NA meetings then you are bound to hear advice about cultivating gratitude at some point.

People will tell you to practice gratitude every day. They will tell you to “just be grateful for what you have, and for the fact that you are still alive and free.”

Or your sponsor will tell you to make a gratitude list and write out 50 things that you are grateful for. Then he might even tell you to write down 5 new things you are grateful for each and every day.

So the question becomes this: Does forcing this gratitude on yourself actually make you grateful?

This is a little bit like wondering if affirmations work or not. So here is my take on the issue, and you may or may not choose to take my own advice on the matter.

There are really 2 issues here when it comes to gratitude, at least for me. First there is the concept that a person can be grateful in nearly any circumstances, no matter what is happening to them or around them at the time, simply by choosing to be grateful.

Second of all is the concept of personal growth and self improvement as a means to improve your life and find happiness, joy, and peace in your own world.

I think of these two concepts in the same way that I think about relapse prevention when it comes to addiction and alcoholism. One, you should be able to resist temptation and overcome any craving for your drug of choice by reaching out to others and using the tools of a recovery program. But on the other hand, you should also rearrange your life in such a way that you will no longer be walking into temptations and cravings every day that you need to resist. It is a two part effort–yes, you learn how to deal with cravings. But also, you do the work that is necessary to reduce or even eliminate temptation. Why make it hard on yourself? In other words, why sober up and then hang out at the corner bar where you used to drink? That doesn’t make sense. Recovery should be practical.

I think of gratitude the same way. Sure, anyone can be grateful in any circumstances if they are “spiritual enough.” There are people in prison today who probably have more gratitude in their attitude than lots of people who are wandering free. The circumstances are not the driver of gratitude. Or rather, they do not have to be. We can be grateful in spite of our circumstances.

On the other hand, I cannot help but notice in my own life when it is most difficult to be grateful versus when it is easy to be grateful.

So there are times when the chips are down and nothing is going my way and it is very, very difficult to feel gratitude. And in those moments, I know that if I maintain gratitude that eventually things will turn around for me and my life will get better and then I will get back to the place in which it is easy and natural to feel grateful.

And so that is the other side of the coin, when everything is going well and I feel naturally grateful. It is not forced. And if I look at those times in my life, they usually involved some hustle and some hard work. In other words, I had to put in a serious effort in order to get to the point that everything was good and I felt naturally grateful.

And so this is really how gratitude works for me–it is either natural and it feels easy and right, or it is forced and I am struggling to get back to the place where it feels normal.

A lack of gratitude is a warning sign for me. What is the opposite of being grateful? Do you know what it is?

I am fairly sure it is selfishness.

If you are ungrateful then you are saying “the world is being unfair to me somehow, and I am not pleased by it.”

When you lack gratitude you are blaming the universe, you are blaming other people, you are blaming bad luck, you are blaming something. Something outside of yourself has ruined things for you, and you are not happy about it. This is a selfish stance and it is a warning sign for addicts and alcoholics.

The moment of relapse has to involve justification. The alcoholic doesn’t just accidentally drink alcohol one day and then calls it a relapse.

Instead, the alcoholic makes a decision in order to justify the relapse first. Before they lift that alcoholic beverage up to their lips they have decided that they deserve this drink that they are about to take.

And why do they deserve it? They deserve it because they are being selfish in the moment–somehow they world has done them wrong, and now they deserve to be selfish. That is the only way that an addict or an alcoholic can justify a relapse. They have to make it okay in their mind before they actually pick up.

So the idea is that if you can program that person to resort back to gratitude in that moment of desperation, then they would not be selfish and they would not be able to justify a relapse.

While that is a nice idea, I think that getting to that point means that it is already too late.

Therefore, your “gratitude barometer” is really a warning sign that you can use to see if there is work to be done.

If you are forcing gratitude rather than feeling it naturally then it means you have some footwork to do in your life.

My best suggestion would be to ask for help from your sponsor in AA, from your therapist, or from your peers in recovery. Ask for help and direction and insight as to what work you need to be doing. Sure, you can make gratitude lists and work on saying prayers of thanks and things like that–but there is also the real work of recovery, the work that can set you free.

Have you worked through the steps of AA and identified your defects and your resentments and done the work to eliminate those? If not, then that is a great starting point.

Have you talked with a therapist and figured out your specific issues in life and how you tend to sabotage yourself? Because that is the kind of work that you should be doing in your recovery journey.

If you do this hard work and you tackle the real issues in your life then it will eventually lead to the place in which you have a lot of natural gratitude, and you will not be forcing it all the time.

If you avoid doing that fourth and fifth step, if you avoid going to therapy and getting honest and digging into your real issues, then you will never know the kind of peace and freedom in recovery that will cause you to be naturally grateful for more of the time.

Sure, everyone has down days. Sure, we can all benefit from practicing gratitude. But we should not use this approach of “forced gratitude” in order to avoid the real work of recovery that can one day set us free.

If you really want to be grateful, then go build an amazing life for yourself in recovery. Good luck!

The post Is Forcing Gratitude on Yourself Effective in Recovery? appeared first on Spiritual River Addiction Help.

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roberrtnelson · 7 years ago