#IVE GOT OVER A WEEK TO PREP IM SCARED

[star-spangled-man]

last season ever, 90min long finale this, feature length episode that, what about the fact i won't be able to see my horrible blorbos being put in different situations each week anymore...

[linkware]

Today i got a meeting bc my numbers were low for a second day in a row and when i mentioned that id probably be faster if i wasnt experiencing A Pain in my body and he mentioned that i could go home but itd be another occurance and then said "the two excuses i hear the most are pain and the freight being bad, and from the looks of it youre fine and the freight is too" like im sorry i havent had a period in 6 months and i think my uterus is trying to invert itself inside of my body. Be nice to me before i explicitly describe what that feels like in detail to you and we both have to go to HR about it!!! But switching happened after to handle the Emotions and i asked him to do a random safety audit on me without telling me and i passed just fine so he said as long as i keep a steady pace through the night like i did when he audited ill be fine and we got the number back higher.

I still have to think about my job as a combination of school and salmon run to survive it but whatever works for me i guess. Have to be here i go on break when they tell me and i have to meet a quota.

I get praise if i meet it and a passive agressive talking to if i dont. This is so mr grizz coded. Also its stupid to expect 100% productivity when you, yourself, said that it takes roughly 6 weeks to get your body adjusted to the constant movement and ive been here for FOUR. And only 2 weeks actually doing things in my area hands on. Which is 7 days bc i havent worked tomorrow. Thays bananas and i think its silly so idc.

Also the rule that "if you need to rearrange a box so it fits then you packed it too full" is really stupid and i dont follow it because if i have a big cardboard box sitting on all of the smaller ones it wont fit but if i just move everything on top of it its fine. It literally takes less time than closing a partially full box bc that takes me longer than just dumping the box onto the line, putting the big item in, then putting stuff back ontop AND THEN closing the box. I can easily put more in this box without going over the handle. You want me to make a wasted movement to prevent a different one. I am very proud of my ability to follow rules unless they are stupid and no one can give me a better answer than "um its just the rules" like. Okay then unless its like some actual problem im gonna keep doing it suck my peanits.

I am also considering just giving myself a lunch budget for the workweek instead of prepping lunch bc i actually cannot handle doing the dishes during the week bc before work and after work is my only free time </3 i dont want to touch something gross or wet </3 ill do the trash or sweep or clean A Surface but dishes is no so tomorrow morning im gonna knock them out so i can enjoy the weekend and stuff cuz im gonna cook alot of tomato and feta to freeze sauce abd i can sense the dishes already

Overall today was mid. Again. And one of my coworkers i thought was nice put his two weeks in but i figured hed prolly get fired soon cause hes taken off more than hes worked so hes def out of PTO and u only get two absences/occurances in ur 90 day/orange vest (im at 1 out of 2 en and im scared idk how he does it) and his brother bit the snot out of his arm and left a huge bite wound while on meth and he lost custody (tbf his apartment is getting demolished due to rain damage... but from what he said he shouldve gotten it instead but im a bystabder in all of this. I hope the kid has a nice life she doesnt deserve to be between the drama her parents have)

I think is freakeng weed time bc im sooo emotions still. And i have an edible for edible + park tome so im Considering tomorrow taking it and going to the park around 5 am for a Magical Time with the sunrise

[sourstars]

HI LOML DORI HIHIHI i promise i saw ur ask and i was literally yk the meme emoji like O_O that was me when u sent that ask!! ive been busy bc ive actually been on my shit nd studying 4 my classes like a girl boss!! i saw u posted the writers thingy and i wanted to ask: it doesn't let me start a new line on here but numbers: 8. 14 (i hate letting ppl borrow my books bc they never give it back), 21 and 24!! sorry if its alot im just super curious bc i really like ur writing style!! - dango anon

HELLOOOOOOOyes i was hoping you’d see it eventually, i was like that meme with the kid that’s side eyeing everything while drinking his soda (??)

8. If you had to write an entire story without either action or dialogue, which would you choose and how would it go?

i would totally attempt one without dialogue, that seems so challenging and could potentially so sick istg i toooootally will not add that to my to-write list like i don’t have a million things to do already 😵‍💫

14. Do you lend your books to people? Are people scared to borrow books from you? Do you know exactly where all your “lost” books are and which specific friend from school you haven’t seen in twelve years still possesses them? Will you ever get them back?

YES I DO. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE THEY ARE. i have an ex who i let borrow my anniversary edition of fahrenheit 451 which is one of my all time favs and the mf never gave it back and i KNOW he never got around to fuckin reading it either. gave him a bookmark to use w it and everything. never AGAIN >:(. on a happier note, i do let friends and peers borrow books but i have a mental blacklist of the ones never returned and i still know exactly where they are even though i’m not DIRECTLY looking for them yk??? sixth sense typa beat LOL will i ever get any back? short answer; probably not but it’s an excuse to shop

21. Could you ever quit writing? Do you ever wish you could? Why or why not?

in general, hell no LOL it’s actually helped me cope through trauma and depression so it’s one of best hobbies and i’d like to keep it around as long as possible—HOWEVERRR i do think i won’t write fanfiction forever, which is why i deleted the really short and (personally) cringy or hated works because if i’m to stop eventually i want to leave behind the ones i’m real proud of like inerrata or yearning man (could list all of my favs actually) because in writing them i literally used a piece of my soul and past to shape the lesson i wanted to have people read, whether i was the only one who got it or not. so really, maybe in the future i might ever get the urge to write an actual book but i don’t see myself quitting any time soon, just maybe the occasional break (like rn :���)) for burnout. however i am active and might post things on ao3 first or only on there sometimes like series because unless you’re already big they do NOT do well on here LOL

24. How much prep work do you put into your stories? What does that look like for you? Do you enjoy this part or do you just want to get on with it?

so if you’ve ever seen the show bones. i’m brennan if she was just averagely smart LOL yes i study everything to understand even if only the basics because sometimes underlying plot or details are what drives my story. researched for a week on the five stages of grief just to see how it manifested in different temperaments and environments and in another wip i studied engineering basics because it was the driving force or that fic’s reader’s struggle and upcoming. it mostly looks like slouching over my laptop with a thick ass notebooks making rushed notes and ending up drying my pens in the process LOL i do enjoy it but i do NOT enjoy the having ti but pens every month or so :’) it’s mostly the drive for knowledge for me because i already live learning in general. if given a timespan i think it takes about a week of searching before even writing out anything

writer asks!

[shelbgrey]

hii, wanna maybe do one of those list imagines about derek from greys anatomy, something along the lines of "imagine you getting attacked and injured by a patient and him being extremely worried and caring about you as you recover"? pleasee

Sorry im just now answering this. But I love this idea.

Greys MasterList

Injured(derek Shepherd)

Not in a million years would you have expected this but it did.

You never expected to be afraid of one of your favorite places.

You are a resident in Nero and your boyfriend is Derek Shepherd.

You had your fair share for crazies and had a couple of psychos here and there but you never thought you'd get attacked.

You felt safe in the hospital, hell it was basically your home and with Derek and you being glued to the hip he always did his best to protect you.

The day it happened you were alone with a patient while Derek was in surgery.

You were prepping the patient for surgery to remove an enlarged tumor that effected his personality and mood. This caused the patient to lash out at time but he wasn't a danger to others.

The Hospital was proven wrong in worst way possible.

A small detail that was revealed about the patient was he had fear of blood. This was revealed when you were taking blood for some tests and thats when it went down hill.

The patient screamed and pushed the cart of tools in your gut causing you to fall to the ground.

As you tried to get up the patient pulled is IV out and tackled you. You tried to fight him off but couldn't get his larg body off your small one.

The patient ended up setting on your chest and grabbed your throat putting all his strangth on it.

You kicked and used as much strength as could to scream but you went quiet after he took a shot to your eye.

As you were losing consciousness as Mark busted in and with Jackson pulled him off of you.

You coughed and cried as Mark gently pulled you up as Jackson tugged the restrains on the patients.

Mark carefully picked you up and carried you to empty room to stich you up.

As Mark cleaned your wonds and stitched you up Jackson ran to the other side of the hospital to get Derek.

He was completely out of breath when he barged into the OR. Thankfully all surgeries were done.

“Dr. Avrey, whats the matter with you? You know not to run into an OR like that” Webber said.

Jackson looked at Derek with glossy eyes. “I-it's Y/n... Derek she's needs you”

Without another thought Derek raced through the hospital to your room.

When he opened the door a little too hard making you jumped not realizing it was him.

Once you looked up at him he stopped breathing the moment he saw your black eye and brused neck.

“oh baby” he whispered and tried to touch you but you flinched away. His heart clinched as he slowly knelt in front of you.

“it's okay, I'm here... It's only me”

He never felt so enraged. He hated what happened to you and he definitely wanted to make the man that did this to pay.

You looked up at him and started sobbing as you grabbed his white coat pulling him closer.

He held you tight but gently at the same time afraid he was gonna hurt you.

When Mark quietly mentioned you should stay over night for observation you freaked out.

“Derek I wanna go home! Please take me home”

You started panicking and hidding closer into his chest.

Ignoring mark's Requests Derek did take you home.

That night was hard. You held him tighter than usual and kept the bathroom light on. Neither one of you slept well either due to you having nightmears.

Both of you took a week of work off and in that week Derek never left your side.

He took care of your engries and made you feel safe.

He didn't let his gard down through that time and watched you like a hawk.

You were scared all the time but Derek was always there to let you know you were safe.

“I've got you, your safe”

After that week you wanted to get back to work dispite Derek's pleads and worries.

The first day was hard. As soon as you stepped into the building you held Derek's hand tight as your heart raced.

He walked around you like a body guard and didn't let anyone come near you.

But dispite his protectiveness you felt uneasy at the place you called your second home.

It sucked and the only one you felt safe with was Derek.

You felt safe with Mark too because he rescued you but you just wanted to be with Derek. He eased the Anxiety.

When He noticed your constant glancing and nervousness he took you into an On-call room.

“Derek... I'm scared” you admitted. He gently pulled you to his chest and hugged you.

He kissed your forehand and tears started to fall from his eyes as he held you closer.

“I'm never gonna let anything hurt you again... I promise”

[wavbleu]

Rodrick heffley: Keep quiet

tw: possession and degrading

~~~~~~~~~

"I cant believe she would do that to you!" you say with a short giggle, you look at Rodricks adorable face and my smile grew bigger knowing that the only time hes genuinely happy and laughing is around you. "I was so totally shocked when she bit me, my dick hurt for like the following week." He stroked his fingers through his semi-short hair and continued on his painful story on how he lost his virginity.

You and Rodrick have been talking for 2 and a half months now, you and him have an extreme connection despite the fact that you are totally opposite. You like to wear softer colored clothes and get good grades in school, and Rodrick well... doesn't. He doesn't give a shit what people think or say about him and just goes the way he wants to, Thats what you've always adored him, you were jealous of that.

Sometimes  you question how your friends with a guy as corrupted as him.

But when ever you converse the words just spill out of you, it actually feels like hes engaged and actually willing to hear more and learn about you. You've never experienced anything like that before. Speaking that most of your exes just used you for sex.

Whenever your around Rodrick, you feel like yourself. What ever you are scared to be in front of everyone else you show it to him and he strangely accepts it. Obviously, you would even consider him your best friend or 'pal' But lately ... the way he touches you isnt very 'pal-like' . Although it may seem like something small, he would massage your knee and work his way down your smooth thigh, stopping right before he reaches your inner thigh; slowly massaging that area and leaves you wanting more of him.

It could be when your hugging and he lowers his hands from your waist to your hips.. Stuff like that may not seem large but it speaks louder and clear that theres sexual tension in the air.

Rodrick finished up his tragic v card story and you both giggled, Rodrick then abruptly stopped laughing and his once loud laugh turned into a snarky smile. "What's with the smirk." you say smiling nervously not knowing what he will do.

"Are you a virgin?" He says, "Nah." You respond back to him. "Ive only had sex with 2 people though."

Yea you weren't a virgin (at all) but man when you had sex it was just beyond awful, terrible. Butterflies grew in your stomach as you watched him bite his cheek in amazement.

"Wow, Little miss Y/N getting freaky in the sheets." he teased, you droopily looked down at your swinging feet hanging off your bed and sighed before admitting, "Well it wasn't exactly good.. if fact it was absolutely dreadful." , "Well i wanna hear this to see if its just as bad as mines."

You adjusted yourself to lean against the white headboard, looking at Rodrick who was seated at the end of the bed. You wrapped your arms around your pillow and started reminiscing on how you lost your virginity at the ripe old age of 17.

"Well it was a party that was at some random guys house.. gee I dont even remember his name... I think it was like tony or something like that.","We were in this small group with other people in our grade, we were bored so we decided to play 7 minutes in heaven.." , "and it was my turn to spin the bottle, sadly."...

flashback

~~~~~

(skip if you dont like the extra length.)

You anxiously spun the bottle, hoping that it would stop on your crush, Luke Hannington.  The bottle spun and everyone watched in awe.

You felt your heart drop to your stomach as the bottle started to decelerate and fixate on a person.. tense but hopeful , you look up at the person the bottle focused on.

Luke.

You tried to hold back your sheer excitement and joyfulness, but it quickly came to a halt after seeing your crushes nonchalant, monotone, bored face. 'He was probably hoping for someone hotter' you think yourself pathetically.

Everyone sneakily snickered and whispered in each others ears after seeing his disappointed face and disgusted eyes.

You felt like bursting into tears after feeling the way you did. You felt hideous.

"So ill set the timer, the closet is on your left sweetie."  The host said, obviously trying to hold back her sneaky remarks until you get in the closet.

He quickly gets up and speed walks to the closet, you followed, fondling your fingers and biting the skin off your lip.

You got to the closet, atleast he was sweet enough to hold the door open for you.

You sat down on the carpeted floor, hassling all the jackets and coats off of you. Luke frantically searched for the light so we can actually see in this closet and took a seat after.

He closed the door and minutes later you heard it lock from the otherside, "Begin, lovebirds!"

The only thing that began was the pure awkwardness and his uncomfortable glances. "So um.." You tried to start a convo but failed at it miserably, nothing you were doing was working, he would always give this stupid uncomfy look or mess with his collar. You were milliseconds away from kicking the door down and leaving this stupid party.

"Im sorry." he said noticing your frustration, "I dont think your ugly or anything.", "Ive had sex before, but not with strangers."

Stranger. Neat.

Tension arosed in the closet after he asked out of no where, "Have you ever been fingered before?" ,"I think im a pro if i say so myself."

You nodded your head no, "Im a virgin..","Ive always wanted to though.." You tried to say seductively hoping to make him hard.  "Open your legs." He sternly demanded, you obeyed and did just that.

He pulled off your cotton panties and felt you up and down, then awkwardly slid a finger in. You gasp surprised, hoping he would've given more foreplay. "Um.." You moan as he fingered you in an accelerating pace , rubbing your left lip thinking it was your clit.

You felt second hand embarrassment for him, Luke Hannington doesn't know where the clitoris is?

You were drying out and getting turned off by his loud grunts and heavy breathing, actually thinking he was doing something. "Somebody lied to this man.." You said in your head. "No way do i actually have to fake an orgasm for this psychopath to stop."

You prepped yourself and tried replicate the girls off of pornhub, "Oh yes!" you moaned as you shook your legs frantically, a smile grew upon his face as he went faster. "Im gonna-" You dramatically puff your chest up faking an intense orgasm.

He stopped and swiped the sweat off of his forehead, "Good right?" , "Great, i bet you i wont  even be able walk straight!" You moan, you cheesily snapped your fingers and giving him finger guns to throw him off your awful acting.  The timers alarm rung, "Finally." You thought to yourself.

You stood up and walked out of the closet just fine.

You got back to the group who were snickering and giggling like a bunch of pre-schoolers.

~~~~

end of flashback

"Bad but not as bad as mines." He chuckled competitively, "Whatever." You threw a pillow at him. "Ive been cursed with the spell "awful sex." ever since that night." You dramatically say, "Is that so?" , "No guy has been capable of making you cum.. making you scream?" His voice lowered, looking into your eyes with a hot confused look.

"Yea pretty much." You sneakily adjust your skirt so he can see your soft thighs and a sliver of your panties. The room went silent as he looked you up and down, examining your body and its crevices , he licked his lips struggling to control the urge to squish and carress your thighs. He quickly looked down hoping you didnt notice how long he was staring at your body, so hungrily.

"Hey um.. y/n" He said scooting closer to you.

Your breath became heavy and palms began to sweat as you watched him scoot in closer.

"Have you been feeling it too?" his soft deep voice lowering into a erotic whispering tone. "F-feeling what?" You stumble trying to think straight, his eyes were fixated on your lips, he wanted them badly.

"You know.." "The tension?" He slowly rubs your thigh with his huge hands, maneuvering them up your skirt but stopping right before he hit, you know what. You hated that. You nod slowly to his question.

"You told me you never came before?" He questioned, "No.. never." You responded back. He put a stray hair behind your ear, then smoothly rubbed his thumb over your bottom lip.

"Can i be your first?"

You nod needily.

Biting your lip before going in for a deep passionate kiss. He wrapped his hand around your waist , scooting you up onto his lap. His hands adventured up your skirt again , grabbing your ass and slapping it. You gasp at the loud sound it made.

"My parents are home Rodrick!" You whisper yelled pulling away from the kiss.

Rodrick continued kissing your neck and ear, gripping your firm ass cheek, not giving a fuck about what anyone says. Like usual.

"Baby i truly don't give a shit, just keep it down." He sternly said.

"Mmm ok.." You moan and roll your head back as he made out with that sweet spot on your neck.

He roughly pinned you down and kissed you more this time exchanging tongue. He pulled away from the compelling kiss leaving a small train of spit

He pulled your panties off smoothly and stared at the sight to see. "Have you ever been fingered before?" He jokingly teased giving a little lightheart to this hot and spicy situation.

He trailed his hands up and down your wet pussy, looking for that spot.

When he finally got his hands on it you let out a small gaspy squeal, "Its right here?" You nod, breath getting faster.

"Yes daddy right there please~" You cry out, "Daddy?" He smirks, He slowly rubs his fingers around your clit. "Im your daddy now?" Rodrick bites his lip, "Then i guess your my little slut then."

"Are you my little slut?"  He asks you, he picks up his pace sending a small tingle down your spine, he giggled mischievously knowing that its gonna be hard for you to respond. You try to catch your breath but moans and shrieks keep cutting your words off.

"Are you my little.. slut?" He slipped in two fingers and fucked your tight hole and worked your g-spot, so much to a point where you had to grasp one of your plushies to keep from screaming. "Alright I guess ill have to make you say yes."

Your eyes roll back as you felt his mouth attach to your clit, swirling his tongue all around your sensitive clit. For the first time you actually wanted to cum..

"I think im gonna-" You bite into a pillow to cover the loud noise you were gonna let out.

Right before you were about to have an intense orgasm, he stopped. Edging you and all your senses. You whined like a little bitch.

"Shut the fuck up." He said unbuckling his pants, "Your gonna take this dick and your gonna like it, alright? alright." He said stroking his rock hard twitching dick before aggressively sliding in.

"My parents- ah-" , " I swear if you mention your parents one more time im gonna throat fuck you."  He said in a pissed off tone.

He threw your legs over his shoulders and slid a pillow under you.  Rodrick continued to fuck up into you, hitting that one spot again, and again, and again; and just to torture you, he rubbed your clit you were experiencing bliss, euphoria.

Rodrick swiftly took your legs off his shoulder and spread them wide open so he could get a deeper fuck, "stupid slut your legs are trembling." , "You really like me fucking you hard, hitting that spot just perfectly even when your parents are just sitting in their room ; feet away? " ,"Now when i ask this again, i want a response."

"are you my little slut?" He whispered into your ears, you moaned loudly and threw your head back, "Yes!", "Yes daddy, im your slut." ," I want your parents to fucking hear." He looked you deep in the eyes waiting for your response.

"Yes daddy im your slut.." You moaned loudly.

He grasped on your waist and pounded deep into you, the claps of your skin, the loud moans, at that point you forgot you even HAD parents.

He kept fucking into your tight cunt relentlessly, hitting every single spot perfectly. Humanly impossible.

"Cum whore i know you wanna." Rodrick says, you open your mouth but no moans come out.. that was it . You were actually gonna cum... Your legs began to shake and tumble ,  it felt like a large sneeze but in your stomach. "Im gonna-" You could barely get out.

You released yourself onto his cock, "Fucking hell." He said as he couldn't bare to last any longer. He pulled out of you and came onto your tired cunt.

"Damn baby." He groaned putting his softening dick away. "was it good?" He hopefully said, "It was amazing." You responded back excitedly.

That stupid curse is gone, yay!

Everything was good until you heard loud footsteps seconds away from your door.

~~~~~~~

Authors note:

This is a pretty long story but i actually enjoyed writing these ones, rodrick was my first story on this book (and my most popular) so you know i had to do the mf again🙄 pegging and femboy kink coming soon⚠️

[autisticmob]

HELLO everyone i am now ten days out from my tiddy surgery so i think while everything is still fresh-ish in my mind I should get a rough timeline of how things went for me, just so anyone having similar stuff done in the future can have it as reference?? 

so under the cut is how shit went down, warning we are gonna be tmi about it for Max Information Dissemination, i will be talking about IV placement, Needles, Bleeding, Bruising, Bathroom Stuff In General, etc. so like. Be Warned.

OKAY SO what did i have done and how did i get it:

- i got a bilateral breast reduction with a “T,” “keyhole,” or “anchor-shaped” incision. this procedure, unlike double-incision top surgery, does not detach your nipples at all, but it DOES leave a decent hunk of breast tissue behind to avoid the nip graft. this connecting tissue keeps your nip attached and supplied with enough blood to survive. that means with this one, theres basically a limit to how much they can take off, and it depends on how big you are to start off with. 

- i went with the T-incisions because as a NB person, I wanted to sidestep the “gender-confirming surgery” route with my insurance. technically, I believe it would have been covered if i had gone through the process of talking to a therapist and getting a note that the surgery WOULD help confirm my gender, but i suspect it would have taken much longer, and I was afraid that my doctor and community resources would not have ended up approving me FOR the surgery since I don’t exactly fit the typical trans narrative. and luckily for me i had Massive, Spine-Bending G Cup Tiddies to contend with. so every doc that took a look at me said “yeah, you need those taken care of for medical reasons.” so i thought hey, let’s see how far this will get me!

- i talked to my primary care doc about my back pain and mentioned i’d like to look into a breast reduction, and she referred me to a local surgeon who could do the procedure. at the time i was still entertaining the idea of double-incision, but as it turned out, this surgeon just didnt do that. but i knew for certain my insurance would cover him, his results were good, and he was local, so i said yes to the T-incisions, which he said would likely get me down from a G to at least a C. it wasnt my ideal scenario admittedly, but frankly the back pain was getting to be too much, and i needed it to be addressed sooner rather than later.

- i had a consultation with the surgeon in early december, and they took pictures and measurements to send to my insurance so they could confirm the tits WERE in fact Too Bomb To Live. Doc said that it varies between insurance companies, but most will have a minimum amount of tissue that needs to be taken off, in grams, from each breast. he was like, “your insurance needs at least 1000g total removed, which’ll leave you on the small side, is that cool?” and i was like “My Man, take AS MUCH as you possibly can, im sick of these” and he was like “cool, makes my job easy then.” 

- it took my insurance like 1.5 to 2 months to get back to me, but late january the surgery place called me and we set a date for february 5th, 2020!!

PRE-OP:

- before i went into surgery, the hospital made me go over my medical history with them over the phone, informed me of all the risks, and gave me a special scrub kit to shower with at home for the last 2 days before the surgery

- fun fact this soap will make your whole bathroom and body smell strongly and exactly like a hospital and it is gross as hell if you hate hospital smell

- i also had to go to my primary care doc to get the OK that i was healthy enough to go under general anesthesia, and also get some blood tests and a urinalysis done. i fucked up the urinalysis tho (which is a whole other story) so i had to redo that the morning of the surgery when i got to the hospital anyway. 

- when i scheduled my surgery they also gave me a list of things i had to NOT DO before i went in. this included stuff like avoiding herbal medications and non-prescription supplements and not drinking any alcohol for like 2 weeks prior to surgery, and not eating anything after midnight the night before surgery.

- then it was SURGERY DAY!!!

- i went in with uhhh a LOT of anxiety about what everything would entail, ngl. i knew i had to do it because staring down the barrel of life with tiddies forever was way scarier than surgery, but yknow whenever you go under general anesthesia they legally do have to let you know that you could die and thats just a lot to consider, PLUS the whole thing involves just, really mangling your torso so like. its a lot! its okay to be scared!

- both my parents went with me for moral support which i appreciated a lot, but i didnt actually see them much since they had to spend a lot of it in the waiting room.

- when i went back with the doc they had me Wash The Tiddy Off with some antiseptic and change into a gown. i got some grippy socks out of the deal which is probably not a universal experience, but this hospital did it so shoutout to them for the socks i guess

- then they asked me all my medical history stuff again and checked me for any like, rashes or open sores or anything. i had some Tit Zits but they did not seem to be worried about that.

- then the surgeon came in and drew lines on me for the incisions. bro when i saw how high up my nips were gonna be i was losing my damn mind. this is one of the really exciting parts, because you finally get to really visualize what your end size is gonna be!! 

- once he was satisfied with how everything looked, they started really Prepping Me For Surgery.

- they hooked me up to a blood pressure cuff, a heart monitor, and some compression leg thingies that would inflate and deflate intermittently around my calves to help me not get blood clots. this felt weird but tbh also like kind of a nice massage

- then the iv placement. bro im not lying when i tell you this is the worst part. the nurse numbed me with some lidocaine before placing the needle and let me tell you that shit HURTED. lidocaine Stings and Burns when it hits and this was arguably the most painful part. but the good news about that is it means nothing else after that is all that bad. and i got THREE lidocaine shots because these two nurses could NOT find my blood anywhere. they finally called in their ringer (an EMT named kirk, s/o to kirk) who got that sucker in my arm with NO numbing and NO pain in like, 2 fucking seconds. i pray you all have a kirk. kirk knows where your fucking blood is and hes not gonna fuck around getting to it because he JUST wrestled a drunk dude into an ambulance like an hour ago and compared to that this is nothing. kirk had sleeveless scrubs. im obsessed. anyway.

- then they put a plastic, inflatable, heated blanket over me? it was between two regular blankets so it wasnt as uncomfortable as you might imagine, but it was strange. warm tho so that was nice.

- THEN they wheeled my bed down to surgery. i was having so much anxiety at this point it was like... dreamlike. getting wheeled into the OR was just surreal. i was like, no thoughts head empty, just taking everything in.

- once i got there the surgical team was very cool about keeping me calm tho. they were playing their like, pump-up music and one of the guys was like “hey fyi about halfway thru the surgery we will be turning the lights off and having a rave, just in the interest of full disclosure. promise not to leave any glowsticks in there tho” and i was like what no i would LOVE glowstick tiddies

- i had to kinda roll from my bed onto the operating table, which was significantly harder and smaller. that kinda made things feel real, so i got a little more anxious at that point.

- to help me calm down they had me breathe in some straightup oxygen thru a mask while they hooked my iv to the fluids and such, and the guy was like “WHOA you got some lungs on you dude” and i was like yeah thanks im recovering from hyperventilating

- then they let the anesthesia into the iv, letting me know the whole time what was happening, talking to me until i was just OUT, which was not a lot of conversation time because i was out in like 5 seconds or less. they didnt make me count down or anything, but i promise you it was nigh instantaneous.

POST OP

- it really was instantaneous. i know everyone says that but it really is the truth, it feels like the whole thing takes seconds. like one moment youre laying there in the OR feeling the drugs Hit, and the next youre waking up in the little wake-up room feelin kinda groggy with a nurse talking to you, and youre still druggy so youre just rambling to her about how fucked your voice sounds right now and as soon as shes contented that youre basically lucid they start wheeling you to your room where youll ACTUALLY stay while you recover.

- THE THING I WAS THE LEAST PREPARED FOR WAS MY THROAT

- your throat will Hurt afterwards, but even more than that, you will be producing So Much Mucus. my surgery took about 2 hours and during that time, all my muscles were paralyzed by the anesthesia, including my lungs, so i was on a breathing tube. my throat, understandably, hated this, and started producing Gallons Of Fucking Mucus to protect itself. it then continued to do this for the next two days or so. the nurses were encouraging me to breathe deep and cough Hard to combat this, and avoid getting pneumonia, so i did. but THAT hurt the tiddies. it was really a vicious cycle. but its necessary because god if i had to have pneumonia on top of all the other recovery shit?? god. 0/10 wouldnt recommend. so it might hurt but dont worry your tiddies wont bust open or anything.

- i spent basically the rest of the day still hooked up to all the machines i listed earlier, PLUS a thing that would beep at me if my heart rate went too high, which it did a lot because i have anxiety, but luckily the nurses didnt seem too concerned. it really kept my breathing on track though because if i didnt breathe deep enough my heart would shoot up super fast and it’d beep and god that was just annoying and im pretty sure that was The Point. you kinda have to get used to breathing again, and the beeping trained me.

- they gave me like a bunch of crackers and a huge mug of water to work on at my leisure. i actually had lunch pretty quick after waking up? i know a lot of people have nausea issues from anesthesia but i didnt experience any of that. i DID move like a fucking sloth while i was eating tho. the pain meds and general grogginess of recovery slowed my whole body down sooooo much. my mom was actually like “are you okay??? like neurologically??????” and i was, totally, i was just. on slo-mo.

- anyway i didnt have to get catheterized for this procedure thankfully but they DID make me measure my pee every time i went to the bathroom. like i had to pee in a little bucket attached to the toilet and the nurse had to come check it every time and i felt really weird about that. so idk just be prepared for that i guess lmao

- also idk if it was the pain meds or the anesthesia itself but post-op, i couldnt shit for like a week. the constipation is real so get u some fucking laxatives asap when you get home, this is not a joke lmao

- they also had me put on a belt every time i got up so the nurse could hold onto me in case i decided to fucking biff it. they got me up a couple times throughout the day/night to walk up and down the hallway outside and get my body used to being upright again

- oh speaking of i never got to lie down completely flat, they had my bed locked at like a 30 degree angle minimum to help with... something. im not quite sure what, but im not gonna question it

- when i got up the next morning they had a couple nurses come in and help me un-bandage so i could shower and finally look at what the tiddies looked like for the first time!! and it was exciting but i didnt cry like i expected lmao i think i was too drained and too distracted by the bleeding

- the bleeding wasnt too bad actually, just little beads kinda coming out of parts of the incisions between the stitches. but once i got in the shower obviously stuff started getting diluted in the water and it looked like a lot more than there actually was, so dont be alarmed by that! 

- SHOWERING: its a little complicated. youre not supposed to soak the incisions, and youre not supposed to apply direct water pressure or actually touch them at this point. so what i had to do was get a washcloth wet and soapy (with antibacterial soap, i think it was hand soap honestly. hand soap’s what ive been using at home so........) and then just kinda. squeeze it at your collarbone and let it drip down over everything kinda minimally. its kind of a process but it works fine. washing your hair and like, tbh literally everything else is gonna be hard. reaching over your head is hard and scary at this point. i will admit my hair care Suffered the first week. 

- then i got bandaged back up and they got me back into my own clothes and ready to go home! they also put a bra on me over the bandages in my new size. i was only there for about 24 hours total, since i didnt really have any complications. 

- on the ride home i had to make sure the cross-chest part of the seat belt was NOT touching me. if whoevers driving you hits a pothole, your soul WILL exit your body tits-first for a moment. im sorry if you live somewhere like here in nebraska where the roads are garbage but its not gonna be fun.

ONCE YOU’RE HOME!!

- i live at home with my mom and sister and if you live alone, id try to have a friend basically move in for the first week. you will need Help with things. basic things. you’ll mostly want to sleep because of the pain meds but those made me pretty dizzy so it was cool having my mom around in case i like. fell on the way to the bathroom and died or anything like that.

- changing bandages is really kind of a 2-person affair too, and youll have to do it at least once a day post-shower, so keep that in mind. 

- the bleeding is like, not that bad after that first day honestly. i never had to change the bandages more than just the once per day. 

- basically from here the procedure is just to take it easy, get up every few hours and walk around a little to keep the blood clots at bay, and enjoy yr new silhouette basically

- worst thing about recovery honestly? im a stomach/side sleeper, and i cant manage anything other than laying flat on my back with my arms at my sides right now, and thats just like.... idk i really cant sleep like that. its not comfy. ive had to set up kind of a pillow fort around me to keep me from rolling over in my sleep bc im afraid i might hurt myself accidentally like that, but idk how well-founded that fear is.

- i will say as someone who did have back problems before this, the difference is IMMEDIATE. i literally had better posture like Day 1. im still a little hunched over because the stitches create a bit of tension in your chest, but like literally it was instantaneous. god. once i got healed to a point that i could like, kinda relax and not be so fucking tense all the time? back pain has basically just been GONE. 

- other fun things to notice: i had some pretty significant stretch marks before, and now they are running in a completely different direction. i crossed my arms over my chest the other day and they actually touched my torso for the first time in like, well over a decade. if i close my eyes and try to grab my tiddy from muscle memory, i stop like a full 3 inches from where my tit actually starts now. the size i am now, just like, freeballing it? this is how i looked when i wore a binder before. if i wore a binder now i imagine id be completely flat, and honestly if i layer up at this point you cant really tell that i have anything more than the average chubby dude’s moobs, which as a kinda chubby person is totally fine. 

its a trip relearning what i look like and what im supposed to feel like but its just. such a fucking improvement over where i was. absolutely no regrets, regardless of how hard recovery has felt at times. anyway i hope this information is at least interesting and maybe helpful to anybody considering anything similar!!

[skybound2]

Hi, I really don’t mean to bother you and I apologize for the intrusion. I was just recently diagnosed with ms and don’t know what the best treatment options are. I’m honestly scared of all of them and was wondering if you have a preference or any advice

Oh my word, it is absolutely NOT a bother or an intrusion!! I’m out here on the internet telling the world at large about my issues, and knowing that someone is listening is so very far from a bother or an intrusion. It honestly helps. I’m just sorry it’s taken me so long to respond. 

I completely understand how you are feeling, it’s a scary time, and it can be daunting trying to figure out what to do and where to start and just remembering how to BREATHE under the weight of all of it can be overwhelming. I’m sorry that you are going through this, but there are some really good resources out there, depending on what your situation is, and where you are located. (I think I about lived on the National MS Society webpage when I was first diagnosed. And I watched SO. MANY. YouTube videos. So many.)

I am happy to give you my experience with the disease modifying therapy that I’m on, but I want to just make sure that I’m clear that 1. I’m not a medical professional, and also, 2. I’ve only ever actually been on ONE therapy, so my experiences are limited in that regard. Okay, now that we’ve got the (probably completely unnecessary disclaimers out of the way), onto the actual response. (It’s LONG so it’s under a cut.)

I have relapse-remitting MS, and the therapy that I am on is Avonex, which is an Interferon beta-1a treatment. I use the auto-injection pen, as opposed to a pre-filled syringe. It’s a once a week intramuscular (IM) injection that I can do at home. This is something that fits my lifestyle better than:

Going to an out-patient center for a once-a month IV infusion

Conducting a Subcutaneous injection three times a week 

Taking a daily oral pill 

I’ve learned that I can trust myself to do a weekly injection by setting a weekly timer for it, and working it into my routine. I schedule my injections for Saturday nights right before bed, and clear my morning on Sundays to deal with side-effects that pop up. I have a pretty packed/sporadic schedule, and I don’t think that I would have much luck keeping to a 3x a week injection routine, or taking a daily pill. And I FOR SURE don’t want to be locked into having to go to a center to get an infusion, even if it’s only once a month.

The actual injection process is pretty easy. You just have to prep your injection site (I use my thighs, alternating legs/locations every week), put the needle on the pen (which is pretty foolproof), place the pen against the injection site location, then depress the button on the pen to insert the needle into the injection site, and wait while the medicine injects itself (I count to 20 to wait it out). The medicine pack comes with everything you need for the injection: alcohol wipes, gauze pads, and bandaids, so you have those at the ready every time. 

I’ve been on it for 3.5 years, and during that time I’ve had one pseudo-exacerbation (caused by my exposing myself to high temps when I knew better) and am now in the middle of my first genuine flare since I started the medicine. To me this SEEMS like a good amount of time to have gone without a full flare, but as I mentioned, I haven’t ever been on any other therapy, so I have no idea if another one would have kept the flares at bay for even longer. 

Another “pro” that I would list for this medicine, probably shouldn’t even NEED to be listed as a pro, but seeing as how I live in the healthcare dystopia that is America, it IS for me, is that while my insurance carrier FOR SOME REASON thinks that I should pay $1000/month for this medicine, the manufacturer of the medicine itself WAIVES that fee for me every month, so I actually don’t have to pay anything for my treatment (beyond my insurance premiums of course). 

Now THAT all said, there are some cons and some caveats. 

So my caveat is that when I started treatment, there weren’t any daily oral pills approved for use. I may have opted to try that FIRST if that had been available at the time, but since they weren’t, I didn’t. And since I had been doing well on my injection treatment when the oral pills became available, neither my doctor nor I thought that it was advisable to switch just because. This is something that could change in short order, as I am currently in the middle of a flare, and while I don’t suspect that my doctor is going to recommend a change of treatment when it’s over, it is possible that he COULD. 

Now onto the cons:

The medicine needs to be kept refrigerated, so you need to plan for that if you travel. Luckily, it’s only a once a week treatment, so unless you are away from home for long periods of time, it’s not too difficult to address. (I own a couple of the same medicine travel coolers that diabetics use for insulin transport, as they work well for this purpose.)

Injection site pain is a thing. It’s not a constant thing, but it DOES crop up every so often. For me it’s typically just a sore muscle in the area of the injection, sometimes with mild bruising. (I’ve always bruised easily, and that’s only gotten worse in recent years.) Sometimes this lingers for long enough that I have to skip injecting one leg for a couple of weeks until it clears up. (Again, I bruise easy, and it's not comfortable injecting into a bruise, so I just don’t.)

What I call “morning after” side effects. The medicine lists “flu-like” symptoms as being possible for ~6 months after starting the treatment while your body adapts. That was 100% a thing for me. I was able to mitigate that a bit by taking ibuprofen (and sometimes benadryl) immediately after giving myself the injection before going to sleep. But the thing that DIDN’T get mentioned a lot was that even after that 6 months is over and the majority of “flu-like” symptoms cleared up, you might still have morning after issues in the form of much milder “flu-like” symptoms. For me, this translates into whole-body aches. TYPICALLY, they are cleared up by around 10 or 11 am the morning after. BUT, sometimes they linger all day as just a general dull-ache feeling. My doctor explained that this is because the weekly injection is a concentrated dose of medicine, and it takes the body some time to process it. And beyond taking pain relievers (which I do) there’s not much to be done. It can be exhausting, and so I TRY to avoid scheduling things on Sunday when possible. I’d say that I deal with all-day lingering aches/fatigue following injection about once a month. Though I’m slow to get going EVERY week following injection. (So 10 am start to my day instead of 8 am.)

Because I haven’t been on any of the other therapies out there, I don’t know how these side-effects compare, so I don’t know if these are better or worse. My doctor seems to think that my reported side-effects are pretty typical for this type of treatment though, and doesn’t think it’s cause to change treatments unless I feel like they are interfering with my life. I’ve adapted well enough to them (and honestly, it’s not a hardship to tell EVERYONE that I can’t commit to doing things at least one day a week :-P)

So that’s my response on my treatment experience. I’d say that the best thing you can do is to find a Neurologist that you trust and that you have a good rapport with, so that they can help guide you through the process and assist you in making changes as necessary.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and please feel free to come chat whenever. I may be slow to respond, but I will RESPOND at some point!! *HUGS*

[shhh-no-ones-home]

madness (2/2) chris motionless x reader

+++++++++

this is not where i thought this story would go but oh well ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

song: sports by beach bunny

+++++++++

"y/n wait! you know thats not what i meant!"

chris followed me as i stormed off the bus. everyone else was gone already, getting prepped for the final show. i whipped around and he stopped in his tracks.

"then tell me exactly what you meant."

he froze, opening and closing his mouth a few times.

"yeah, thats what i thought."

i turned back around and kept walking away from him.

"will you just talk to me? please? i dont see why this is such a big deal."

"of course you dont, cause this shit doesnt matter to you!"

he caught up with me and grabbed my arm, turning me to face him.

"yes it matters to me, im sorry for what i said."

"look chris, its whatever, ive been thinking and maybe we shouldnt go on this date anyways. specially if youre just gonna tease me in front of the guys. even if they dont get why."

he held both my arms to keep me in place.

"dont say that, ive been waiting for this date for years."

i shrugged him off of me.

"maybe you should have thought about that before you started being a dick to me."

i turned back around and made my way inside, him following closely behind me as i made my way to their dressing rooms.

"stop following me."

"not until you accept my apology."

"no."

i turned into one of the dressing rooms and vinny was standing there, shirtless, rolling paint onto his arms.

"hi vin."

he looked a little confused at first.

"hi?"

i leaned against the mirror stand next to him and chris walked up to me, he looked a little angrier now.

"i dont see what the big deal is, youve been just as much of a dick to me as ive been to you the past few weeks."

i was a little offended and crossed my arms over my chest. vin just looked at us with wide yes.

"how dare you! i have not!"

he snorted.

"it takes one to know one."

i put my arms down, tight to my sides, and stomped my foot.

"i dont need you or your stupid opinion. and fuck your date."

i pushed past him and walked out the door.

"well i was trying!"

he called after me and i just kept walking, tears starting to fall from my eyes. i wiped my face as i stomped up the bus stairs, going to my bunk and sulking.

°°°°°°°°°

i slept through the whole show. i cant believe i slept through the whole show. even if chris and i weren't getting along ive never missed one of their shows. i sighed to myself and swung my legs over the side of my bunk. everyone was probably asleep by now. i walked slowly to the front of the bus but saw a small light on, it was the tv but it wasnt playing anything, it was just blue. i walked a little further and saw chris laying on his back on the couch and staring up at the ceiling. i stopped in my tracks before opening the fridge. he snapped up immediately.

"couldnt sleep?"

i asked and he swung his legs down. he watched me as i sat at the table and opened my gatorade.

"no, i cant stop thinking about our fight earlier. also i think we really scared vinny."

i took a drink.

"im sure hell live."

he got up and came and sat across from me at the table.

"i want you to know im sorry for how i acted earlier. that wasnt fair to you or anyone else so i apologize."

i just stared at him and took another drink.

"okay."

he threw his hands in the air.

"just okay?"

he was getting mad again and i set my gatorade down, screwing the lid back on.

"yeah just okay. im not ready to forgive you yet."

i went to reach for the gatorade again and he whacked it off the table. i crossed my arms over my chest.

"what the hell was that for?"

"what is wrong?!"

i leaned forward.

"you hurt me chris!"

he looked at me confused.

"what do you mean?"

"you have been teasing me this whole tour! of course i thought nothing of it when we first started tour, it was fine, maybe just flirting even. and then you asked me out and i was almost hopeful but the teasing didnt stop. you make fun of me all the time in front of the guys and i didnt think it would but its starting to get to me. i had high hopes for that date and then you just got mean."

i sat back into my seat and looked at the table.

"oh."

i looked up at him and he looked kind of off.

"i guess i didnt think about that."

i rolled my eyes annoyed.

"yeah no wonder, dipshit."

"hey!"

i sent him a look and he put his arms down next to him.

"okay, fine, that one was warranted. but look i really do like you. that part i wasnt kidding or teasing about. i do really want to go on a date with you and see where this goes."

"chris im not gonna give you a fighting chance if you cant even act right around me."

he put his hands back on the table and folded them together.

"i understand that, thats why im going to stop."

i sent him a look.

"sure you are."

"no, really. i want to try to prove myself to you. we didnt start out like this and i wanna get back to that place we were at before this tour started."

he stood up and walked to my side of the table, pushing me over and closer to the wall as he sat next to me.

"you said you wanted to go on a date with me and i want to earn that feeling back. i promise no more teasing or making fun of you in mean or hateful ways, even if it is just in jest."

i turned and tried to study his face. he really did seem sincere.

"starting right now."

i looked between his eyes.

"thank you. that means a lot."

he pushed my hair away from my face and looked down at my lips.

"dont even think about it."

he held my head in his hand and looked back up to my eyes.

"dont think about what?"

i grabbed his hand and put it back on the table.

"dont think about kissing me."

he looked back down at my lips before running his tongue over his.

"no promises."

i rolled my eyes at him.

"i think you can keep it in your pants till at least the third date."

he smiled at me.

"so i get more than one?"

he seemed a little cockier now, his confidence returning.

"ill think about it."

he kissed my forehead.

"ill take it."

[itzyscenarios]

How did you motivate yourself to start losing weight? I need to lose weight for my health but I have no motivation to start even though I know I need to. I’m also really scared to do it.

hi! i totally understand and relate to this question on like every level - i’ve struggled with my weight for almost six years dude lemme tell you it’s been such a HUGE struggle to discover self love (also this got really really long im sorry i didn’t think i had that much to say until i started writing)

for me that’s the first step: self love - im all for body positivity, but for me, body positivity means you love yourself for who you are by maintaining your health... what’s more loving than taking care of yourself? originally, i wasn’t happy with my body and then slowly, over 2018 and this past year, my self love slowly came. i really started to appreciate my body after years, even though i was obese, and it was so exciting! once i started to like myself, i found motivation in wanting to do things for myself - id have pamper days, id treat myself to things, id take some special time to do things i liked, and had lots of me time! i firmly believe you can be happy at any size, and i was slowly coming to terms with that. however, this does not mean i was ignoring the fact that, while i may have slowly started to love my body, i cannot use this as an excuse to ignore and avoid the health side of things.

obviously health is a huge factor, and for me, a good motivation... backstory: i have terrible knees and really big boobs - my knees always used to hurt and i had incredible back pain. but slowly, as i lost a pound or two every couple weeks or so, i started to notice how much less my body was hurting. my knees didn’t ache and my back felt less pressure - i felt amazing physically. this also helped motivate me to start exercising, since i knew that that would definitely help my body feel better, no questions asked. i don’t do crazy workout routines or push myself until i see stars, but i do do my best and do it consistently. i think a good way to start is by walking - i don’t go a day without walking now. i don’t just go to the gym, i look up different things that would WANT to do! everything is so much more fun when you’re excited about it. i found that running would always make me dread working out... so i stopped running and started swimming and yoga. it’s all about perspective! isn’t it motivation enough to find something you like and crave it?!

experiences, lemme explain. i did fuck-all when i was obese... i never wore what i wanted, i never went to places i wanted to go, i missed out on outings and experiences with my friends and even job opportunities, and one of the big ones - relationships too. i let so many amazing people who liked me for me go by, and im thankful that i did, since i know i couldn’t give them everything they wanted. i needed to give me that first. starting with stupid things like clothes - they’re not stupid, everyone’s got them. wearing things that fit nicely and that i feel pretty in make me feel good - i 100% believe people can wear whatever they want, no matter the size! because that’s normal??! but being real here, most things i found cute that i wanted to wear didn’t fit properly, were too tight or pulling in certain areas, or just didn’t have my size. being 4′11 and obese is so hard, no clothes ever fit. the struggle is real haha. for outings and hanging out with people, there were so many times where i would say no to going places in the summer like the beach, or the pool, or even to a place outside in general because i knew id have to wear shorts (or worse, i dreaded bathing suit!! omg) - which i wasn’t comfortable in. my body felt like it was trapping me, and i knew a way to stop this mindset... sucks for me that it took years to apply. relationships were weird, because i would like a person so much it hurt, but never did anything but flirt and enjoy the beginning because i was afraid my body wouldn’t satisfy them - LIKE HELLO WHAT THEY LIKED YOU ALREADY EMMA YOU IDIOT JUST EMBRACE THEM AND YOU. but now that i've started this healthy lifestyle, ive opened myself up to a whole bunch of opportunities. you might not need this step, and for that im envious of you. i know it was stupid, but it was still how i felt. i wouldn’t have had all these amazing experiences if i didn’t keep losing weight, and that was on me.

one thing i can say is that i didn’t start to see results or even have success in my weight loss journey until i did it for me. no amount of doctors or people telling me that i need to do it for my health ever did it for me until i looked myself in the eye and said we are doing this because we want this; we want to be healthy; we want to be confident in ourselves; we want to wear things we wouldn’t before; we want to go places and do exciting things and not worry. it’s stupid to let your weight stop you from doing things, but it’s what stopped me, and it is was it is. i know im not alone in this mindset, and overcoming it was the most freeing thing ever. honestly anon, in a short summary, my motivation was my health, my happiness, and the thought of future me thriving. no little motivation is silly either, if you find motivation in little things like fitting into a piece of clothing, or something else that isn’t health related, who cares! make sure you’re inspired and healthy... no celebration or ambition is too small. everything counts.

so go out there and do it for you - for whatever reason you choose. i support you, and everyone around you who matters will too! explore your options, find fun workouts that you might like to try, be with nature, go on pinterest and look up fun meal preps! make it fun for you! dont fear it, there’s nothing to be scared of. start small, and work your way up. you’ve got it in you :) something that kind of stressed me out in the beginning was the fear of gaining weight back or having to only eat salad for the rest of my life. but please, this is a lifestyle change. LIFE is in that word - i want to change for the better. but i still have to live. my life shouldn’t revolve around food and my weight, like it used too - everything in moderation, i can still have junk food and enjoy things that are not so healthy. because it’s life, that’s life, and life’s too short not to enjoy a good piece of cheesecake, you know what im saying? just do it smart, and not all the time. don’t deprive yourself, treat yourself sometimes!

YOU CAN DO IT! YOU GOT THIS ANON! feel free to message if you wanna talk, we can do it together! im still just getting started, and we can support each other every step of the way

[squarelight]

Tonsillectomy: Surgery and Day 1

Im 22, so tonsilectomy is a lot different from when one is a child. Children bouce back in less than a week. Ive been cleared off work for 2 weeks.

Pre-Op and check in was 6:30 this morning. The operation was at 8. Surgery is my biggest fears but for the checkin and start only one person was allowed back with me. I was scared they were gonna say no one cuz I was close to crying all night the night before so I would've lost it.

But one was allowed so my father let my fiancé go back. Once I did all the check ins I got to get my sweet outfit on. Fiancé's face was covered with a jacket and his eyes closed while I changed into nothing but a really comfy gown and grippy socks.

The nurse for the preOp came by and said she was gonna put my IV in. I prepped my arm, then she said it was going in my hand. I thiught she meant finger so naturally I was a bit panicked since Ive had to have a stint in my finger before and almost passed out. Ive also had tests down drawung blood from my finger and almost passed out. Ive never had issues with the above 50 times in my life I've had it go in my arm, so it was understandable. My fiancé went and grabbed my hand and i bit him to make sure my hand she was putting it in would be slack and not jerk. It went in fine amd so I kissed it better. This was the start of him being the best tropper out there.

With the IV in I was they let my father come back too. We chatted a bit and I was starting to get nervous again. The IV felt nice though, no drugs in it just fluids to keep my hydrated for the operation since I hadnt eaten or drank anything (including water) in over 10 hours.

The head nurse of the hospital came to check up and calm everyone's nerves and give us a rundown. She was super chill and her voice made me feel better by a bit. She had had her daughter's tonsils just taken out by my ENT too. She left us once we had no questions.

My anesthesiologist came by next and said she'd give me a "morning margarita" mix to put in my IV sometime before the surgery. She was hilarious and further set my nerves at ease as she cracked other jokes and left us all a bit better.

One of the Op nurses introduced herself (name was Athens-how cool is that name?! Too cool) and then Dr Saman (my ENT) came in. He gave us a thourough rundown and said the whole thing would take 15-w0 minutes for the entire operation. Whats impressive is thats half the industry average. Neat guy too, cracked some jokes and answered all the questions too. I was still nervous but unfortunately with him introducing himself that meant I was next.

The Op nurse Athens and the anesthesiologist came amd wheeled my be to the op room. They got me on a new bed, and put another blanket on me. The windchill was 8°F outside and the OP room was very chilly so they made sure I was warm. Then the anesthesiologist gave me that "margarita." I blacked out after 2 seconds of it emptying into my tube and into my arm.

I woke up and the procedure was over. It was 10:10, and they said that they had difficulty bringing me out of it so they had to counter the pain meds and everything in the IV as well as take out my IV. I was completely sober and for a few minutes on an 8 painof the pain scale. But the nurse was super chill and he gave me my next dose of pain meds as soon as he got my vitals. Almost instantly I was down to a 1 or 2 pain.

The nurse was also super cool cuz anytime I had to speak he saw it and got super close so i just had to use a low voice, cuz I was ginna be mute in a bit. He had an awesome bedside manner and honestly was our fave nurse out of the day. Which is hard cuz everyone was amazing.

Now that I was fully awake from anesthesia and I wasn't having complications, they brought my father and fiancé back.

With no pain meds(they gave me Tylenol-Codeine, which is basically the lowest they could give), I had been crying from pain. When the pain was under control, and I had no influencers in my system.

I cried freshly because I saw my fiancé. I cried from all the passionate love I felt. The nurse probably thought it was pain lol.

I told my fiancé why I was crying and he almost cried too. It was super emotional and awesome.

Then they waited a but to make sure I was still okay and released me.

They had a post-Op nurse come by and help me get dressed. I wore loose clothes luckily and they let me keep the hospital grippy socks. Theyre thick and super comfy.

Once dressed my fiancé came back while my father brought the car. The dude nurse got me in a wheelchair and then out amd into the car. My fiancé sat next to me amd we were off!

It was all over. I am sad I didnt get any fun high stories though. Both this surgery and my wisdom teeth I had hopes but it didn't end up that way. Oh well.

[meridele473]

I have a confession

I dont post. Ever. The reason behind that is because I’m scared. I’m one of those users that just reblog and likes whatever comes up on my feed. I’ve always wanted to be one those users that makes a great post and it eventually goes viral. But I’ve come to accept that may never happen. I’m scared that if post something someone will get made, be offended, or just be plain mean. So I don’t. But a few weeks ago a good friend of mine posted a long message about her fears. And after whats happened tonight I need to relieve mine. 

So first things first Im 21 years old, mexican american, and a woman. I live in a college town where I’m studying to be a historian. Today was a good day. A really good day. First my teacher extends the due date for our big final project, then another teacher cancels class all next week, and finally another teacher gives us a really easy final essay to write instead of taking a test. I get home and my roommates have made cookies. I’m tired so I take a nap. Later after I’ve woken up I realize I don’t have much food wise so I decide to go get some dinner. Things are fine, Ive got my Spotify playlist on and I’m driving home. I’m scared of driving.

Driving has always been a fear of mine. Whats totally normal to you is terrifying to me. I first started driving at 18. I couldn't learn at 16 like most do because I was so busy with my college prep high school. I had been putting it off because I’m paranoid. I’m scared I’m gonna get in an accident. I’m scared I’m gonna kill someone. Anything can happen on the road. My parents forced me to learn because it was my freshman year of college and they didn’t have the time to ferry me back and forth between classes. I went to driving school. Every time I got behind that wheel my arms would tense, my back would tense, sweat would pore from my brow, and I’d feel like crying. Eventually I took my drivers test which I failed. It tore away at my self confidence. I put it off again for almost a year. Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore. If I wanted to go out then I need a ride. All my friends could drive. They didn’t have a problem with it. They were very supportive and understanding of me but I secretly envied them. They didn’t feel the fear that I did. And if they did then they did a much better job at hiding it. I remember finding a quote on pinterest. I don't remember exactly what it said but I do remember it was along the lines of if you want something go get it. I want to be free, I want to go where i want when i want. So I buckled down and passed my drivers test. Time passes and I eventually get more comfortable behind the wheel. Sure i have a few flops along the way but nothing earth shattering. It gets to a point where I’m not scared anymore. Then tonight happens. 

As I’m driving home not a care in the world. I come to a four way stop just before I reach my apartment. Apparently I didn’t stop all the way and a cop saw me. He pulls me over. I completely forgot the procedure for when you get pulled over so I just pull over to the side of the road, turn my music off, roll down my window, and get my license out. The cop comes over. His flashlight is blinding. He asks for my license and insurance registration. He's an older guy. I give him my license but I don’t have a paper copy of my insurance only a pdf on my phone. I ask the cop if the pdf will do. He says yes. I pull it up but as it turns out its an older copy that is expired. So I find the new copy. I had my car checked a few weeks ago so the registration sticker is brand new on my windshield. He tells me that the insurance papers are for my moms car not mine. It doesn’t have my make and model on it. I can feel my hands shaking. The boulder in my chest is getting heavier. I try my hardest not to cry. I don't have any drugs, alcohol, weapons, or any other illegal substances in my car but I’m still scared. I see news footage of people of color getting killed by cops all the time. Will this be me? I think of that part in humiliation just before he dies (spoiler alert hamilton dies at the end). What will happen to me? What will happen to my family? I’m so scared I just want to curl up into a ball and hide. And he tells me that the address on my license is my home address from my hometown not my dorm address. Yes I’ve been living here for over a year but it never occurred to me to have it changed. It’s not like I’m gonna stay in this town forever. Then he tells me he could give me 4 tickets that would accrue 1,200$ total. The cop asks me if I’m going to school. I say yes. The cop asks for my major. I’m so confused. So I tell him history with teaching certification. He says “you need to be alive in order to make history.” Will a verbal warning do? My shoulders slump. I’m so relieved. Yes sir it will. Then in true dad fashion he taps me head with my license and tells me to have a good night. 

I could cry right now. But I can't. I have to get home. I drive home, park, go up the elevator, walk down the hall, and open the door to my apartment. One of my roommates is in the kitchen. She asks me if I’m alright. I joke around about being pulled dover because I don’t want her to worry. She’s a nursing major, she’s got more important things to worry about. I go to my room, lock the door, go to my bathroom, lock that door and proceed to have an anxiety attack. The boulder in my chest is not a boulder but a crow. A crow that is clawing to get out and screech as loud as it can. I’m fine I tell myself. I’m fine. I’m alive. I didn’t hurt anyone. He didn’t hurt me. I don't have to pay 1,200$. I don’t have to do anything. This is bound to happen to all drivers at some point. I don't know how long the attack lasts but I hear my roommates congregate in the living room. I go outside and tell them what happened. They reassure me that this is normal and that my feelings are normal. I am not alone. They’ve been pulled over too. We laugh and joke for hours. We need this. We’ve all been stressed. Fast forward to my room. I’m debating on whether or not I should tell my parents. My dad will be mad. He’ll get angry. He’ll yell. I don’t know what to do. The crow is coming back. Before I know what I’m doing I type out a text to my mom. She’ll understand. She always does. So does my dad. He’s not the scary monster in my head. He’s not. I’m just scared. I send the text. I know she’ll read it in the morning. Both of them have had to calm me down during anxiety attacks before and they've always understood. Hell my dad gets anxiety attacks too. Everything will be fine I tell myself. But . . .

My rent is due tomorrow. I need to get a money order. I need to get groceries. I need to get gas. I need to drive. But I don’t know if I can. My hands are still shaking. All my hard work. 3 years of hard work, all gone in one night. I don’t know what to do. I’m still scared. I need to pay rent. I need food. I need gas. I need to drive. I need this. I need to be free. i can’t be trapped again. I can’t. For the first time in forever I’m letting my walls down. Not completely. I doubt my walls will ever be completely down. I’ve let in so much love and acceptance but I’ve also let in fear. I’ve ben more vulnerable these past few months than I’ve been in a long time. I’m enjoying my life. i don’t want to be sad again. Not again. I’m going to get my money order. My rent needs to get paid. I’m going to get my groceries. I need to eat. I need to get gas. Gas is the only way I can get around. I’m not a coward. I’m not. Not anymore. And I won’t be again. 

 @sebastianshoe

[chinxino5-blog]

i hate to be someone who complains on my social medias and shit about “how shit my life is” because that’s so spoilt and whiny and i honestly have such a sheltered, privileged life, so im sorry if i come off as shitty but i feel like i at least need to write it out??? i dont know im just freaking out.

i had a rough patch last year around this time particularly, and it got really shitty for me and i pretty much just got really harsh on myself and lost any sort of self-esteem. it was awful and i really struggled to handle it, but ive had a really good year this year?? since i cut my hair super short, ive been really happy and chill and positive but over the past month or two shit has been getting slowly worse again and it’s getting bad like last year except for different things.

im generally fucking terrified of losing control of whats going on, i’m such a control freak in general and when i lose my grip on whats going on basically, stuff like keeping up to date with things, and keeping promises, and due dates, i start to really freak out. especially under stress. but im so fucking awful with school work that i barely did any at all this year and now work is piling up in prep for next year and the tiniest bit of strain forces me to buckle. i honestly can’t handle anything. 

im behind on my homework, i never get the chance to write and i was super set on writing this speech but turns out it has to be ready to be test-performed by thursday and i just dont have the time for that. and honestly thinking about it im freaking out and starting to break down because its all i want to do: write speeches and speak about rape culture and sexism and homophobia and all that shit. and im fucking up the one chance i actually have at it as a kid? 

im just so blown over with anxiety and i cant see my psych for another two or three weeks and i honestly don’t know if i can handle that. exams are in four weeks, i have so much content to learn as well as writing to work through, i can barely fucking horse ride because of how generally anxious i am. my horse is so responsive and he ends up getting just as worked up as i am and i spent ten minutes last lesson trying to just stay on because he was bolting and slowing and bolting and slowing and i just couldn’t fucking do it. 

im just so scared its gonna get bad again and i know it already is and im in this god fucking damn cycle where the moment i lose my footing i just can’t get fucking back up. it just gets worse and worse and worse and im so fucking scared. i dont know how to handle anything and its honestly pathetic.

fuck.

[bjornartesttest]

Februar, 2017

Its about one year since my last post, so I will start this of with a little sum-up about whats been going on in my life since march last year. 

In my last post I left it of stating that I was going to chill with the boys, and focus on work. I guess I didnt completely manage to ive up to that. Having that said, Ive been more true to my self then I have in the past at least. The bouS:

Max: 

We met a few times on dates, we had a one-night stand and we also went for a walk. I was always a bit scared to get to into him, as it was clear hw wanted to get out of Norway and see the world. And thats what he did He moved to Germany this fall, I think he is haveing a good time there. Good for him!

Pål:

Me and Pål are still friends, though there is something about our chemistry that always ends up with flirting. I think he is still into me. I have a tendency to always reject him in a nice way. He respects it though, and I dont think I am taking advantage of him. I met him last night on his birthday, wich was nice. I dod make sure to go home before I got too drunk though.. We also meet every second month or so though a dinner club we have started with common good freind Siri. Very nice. 

Steffen:

We were supposed to meet up again and have some fun a few weeks ago, but hew then all of a sudden had started to date his old summer fling and called it of. Not very suprsing I must say. Speaking of, it might also have something to do with the fact that I dated his ex boyfriend this summer. I found out about it on the last date I had with the guy (whom I cant remember the name of anymore). A very handsome architect in his late 30s. It was sort of a turn-of for us both that we had been with the same guy though I think. More about that later

Other boys:

Marius:

Marous I met around May/June last year. Hes a 36 year old nurse, wirking with HIV at Olafia clinic in Oslo. Marius is in many ways a bit like me. POsitive, firendly, medium self confidence, creative, a bit weird, tall. We were a really good match, and had some very nice dating time before the summer hoilday. For some reason though, It felt like we were a bit to simlar. Not enough friction. So- after my summer holiday when he was away, I was out dancing one night - wich leves me to Ingemar. The guy who made me understand I should not be with Marius anymore (aka I dumped him 3 weeks after I met ingmar).

Ingemar:

24 year old guy. Crazy, handsome, cute, smart and a handfull... We met at the dancefloor and then spent every nihght together for a week. Very intence, and also at the point when I was not done with Marius yet. He was ony on town for a week before he went to exchange studioes at a Architecture aschool in france. We kept in touch during fall and talked a lot on the phone. He met the fwall and kept me in the loop on his journey, wich made our connectionquote special. Somehow I really started to care for him. Whn he came home around chrsitmas, I think we were both wondering about what our connection was really about. I did not really feel a “in love” connection anymore, but I think I tried to lie to myself and try to convince myself that I did. Maybe he did the smae. We met once before xmas, and then we talked and texted thoughtout the holidays about our lives. Very deep - kind of to ddep maybe? I invited him over in the beginning of december, and it kind of felt a bit forced and unromatic. At the same time, we totally opepend up so I know alot about him and vice versa. We ended up concluding with that we are better of as friends. I think thats a good thing, and it will be interesting to see how our connection will continue. Will the freindship thing come natural, or will it still be weird once in a while? Time will show. Im not 100% sure myself about how much it makes sence to be in touch...

Germain:

Me and Germain met a year ago. At that time I had decided to have a boy break, so I dodnt follow up. This fall I saw hime on Gaysir, and invited him out for a date. Hes a super cute, smart mexican 28 year old boy. Very passionate about his studies, hobbies and work, and a stable soul. I like many sides of his. Having that said, we have not met in over a month, so I am not really sure where it is going. He texts me, and want h´to hear how I am doing, but he also never have toime to meet up because of his tight schedule. I have a tight schedule, but I still manage to prioritize. Before xmas, we met maybe 5 times. Nice trios, dates, kissin, food. The last night when we were suposed to have sex was though a bit awkward. We could not go though w it, as he told me he just found out he had an STD in his throat. Aka not even kissing. Anyways, to be honest - I am not really quite sure what to di with him. Its like he is the only one I am currently “in touch” with, but if its not leading anywhere - is it perhaps better to just close the case? If I dont hear from him in a week, I am out. 

So . that was my last year with boys. A ot of very interesting boys, but nothing that really hit the right note it seems. Ive been frustrated lately, as it feels like Ive allready met all the good boys in the city, and Im getting anxous out and about as there are so many old flames anywhere I go. Fuck budies, dates, Grid faces... urgh... So - right now I am on a gay break. No applications, no onlune profiles. I even deleted my 10 year old gaysir profile...

It actually feels quite refreshing. I really needed a littel mental break, something I think is really good for me. I will try to keep it up for the next 4 weeks, before I start opening up again. I still have some fuck buddies though, wich helps. Ive meet them both now for quite some time, so it feels safe and nice. Before I started this “off face”, I was very out there. I dont think Ive ever had as much sex in my life as ive had the last 12 months. Because of this, I applied to get PREP in december. Something I ironcly got one week before I deleted my profiles. Its been great to have sex without a condom with my normal partners though. For the past month Ive taken a pill every day, but I will stop doing that and focus it around planned meetings after my next doctors appointment.

So - sum up about boys:

I met a lot of great guys, and now I feel exhausted and a bit drained and frustrated. I have forgotten how it felt to be in a realtionship and beeing cudeled every night. Definelty in a veryindepenent phase somehow. Im k´going to keep it like that for a little bit longer.

Other in life, its been a eventful year. I bought my own appartment, a lovely small place in gamlebyen. Ive spent all of my money and a lot of my time fixing it up and getting it into shape. I am quite happy with it :-)

Also, Ive had a bit of a hard year workwise. Two of my biggest projects ever did not go how I watd them to. I did not manage to stir them the way I wanted, and as a result I crashed a bit last fall mentally. I lost a lot of confidence, and started questioning everything. I dont fell like talking to much a out it, as Ive allready processed it quite well, but what that is worth mentioning though is that it made me think about a lot of things I have not thoght about in a long itme. Such as future goals, dreams, expectations to myself and what that really matters in life. 

I am writing this post now partly because I dont want myself to forget the journey I started, and what fruites I have gotten so far. What do I need to do to keep this up?

Basically, I felt frustrated and asked myself what I could do to get more focused, inspired etc. I decided to talk with a school, AHO, and their MA course in service design. I have been thinking about maybe applying there this coming fall. I also talked with one of my bosses to see if I somehow could learn and work with the same things at the office - and school myself there. To be honest - I started up very good - but have not been good at follwing up. I will keep this in mind on my “goals list” in the end of this post. 

Ive started working as a voluntair at Sjekkpungt, something thta has been very intersting so far. My role is to test people for HIV. So far Ive only been and the workshops, but in a months time, I will start testing people myself. Looking forward to that. 

Ive gotten active in Grafill, and their graphic design group. So far its been really fun. I might take of the the spot as lader of the group ina months time, wich is great. I would love to be more active with those kind of issues. 

Work has btw been quite nice now after XMAS. Ive finished all my projects in time, and delivered fairly well on all of them I think. 

Ive also managed to get two freelance gigs. One for Stanavger Kunssenter, and one for Tableau. I really enjoy working on them both, now I just need to do them!

Other then that, Ive been hitting the gym A LOT lately, and I am slowly starting to get results. Body feels more toned, and I am starting to get quite comfertable with how I look. I will do what I can to keep it up!

SO - to do list:

- Stay of apps for anohter few weeks

- Give Germain one week to make up his mind, then be straight forward and move on.

- Keep up the gym - six pack by april (text PT)

- Have FUN with freelance work. Focus hard the next few days. Finish webshop, email Katrin, make “shop” logo.

- Start developing the Geology project - Morteza? Karoline?

- Applyi for AHO!!

- Start thinking about potential moves next fall.. Copenhagen? AHO? Other opertunities?

- FInd out how to do more teaching. Who to talk with?

- Read service design books

- Visit Silje

- Eat soup

- Russia

- pay down Mastercard by MAY