#IVE BEEN AWAKE SINCE YESTERDAY 7 AM I FEEL LIKE GOD

[tojisun]

im so sleep deprived rn but guys do u know that playing dangerous (lana) tiktok where they stand beside a cop or some shit and sing the lyrics “everybody knows im a good girl officer”? thats so !!! reader n simon coded im gonna be ill

[j0elmill3r]

a brief inquiry into online relationships

prologue - chapter i - chapter ii - chapter iii - chapter iv - chapter v - chapter vi - chapter vii - chapter viii - chapter ix - chapter x - chapter xi - chapter xii -chapter xiii - chapter xiv - chapter xv

chapter one

"friends don't lie and it all tastes the same in the dark"

Featuring: Chris Evans, Jaeden Martell, Katherine Langford, Jamie-Lee Curtis, Dodger Evans

Word Count: 2.2k

Warnings: None, but if there is, please let me know and I'll add them in!

A/N: Thank you all for reading this series so far! It's getting going now, and I hope you all enjoy this series because I'm really into it and I have it all planned out for each chapter. If anyone wants to be tagged, please let me know by asking through my inbox or my messages! Feedback and comments are always appreciated!

--

You sat in your dad's trailer for the rest of that day, scrolling through your phone and looking at random TikToks you would show him later, only to have to explain to him what it meant.  He wasn't too up to date on technology, he didn't even have Instagram you were convinced that he barely knew how to use Twitter. But who were you to judge your dad's lack of technological knowledge? 

-

"Y/N, come on, get up," You groaned as your dad shook you awake, almost rolling you off of the bed. "Y/N." He dragged out. You sat up and rubbed your eyes, shooting a pissed off glare at your dad. Chris chuckled and shook his head.

"What the fuck is going on? It's like," You paused to check your phone for the time, only for your face to fall as you saw that you had been asleep for the past 6 hours, meaning it was 9pm. "Alright, nevermind." You mumbled.

"C'mon, I told Jaeden you would be meeting him at 9:30 so you could hang out with him," Chris said, ushering you to sit up and get out of the bed. "Go and brush your hair, you look like you were dragged through a bush, honey."

"Wow, thank you for the compliment, do you ever wonder why you don't have a girlfriend?" You asked him, standing up and walking into the bathroom and brushing your hair. Chris laughed and shook his head, fixing the bed up from where you had been sleeping.

"Because I'm so goddamn good looking that no one wants to be with me because they'd be upstaged?" Chris said, leaning against the door frame where you were standing. You laughed as you put the hairbrush down.

"If that helps you sleep at night, you can believe that all you want. But just remember that there's one person you can never upstage in the beauty department," You pointed at your dad as you grabbed your phone from the nightstand, taking it off of charge and sliding it into your pocket. Chris stood waiting, his arms crossed over his broad chest. "It's me. Obviously." You pointed out. Chris nodded and chuckled.

"Ah, you got me there," He admitted. You smiled over at him and then stuck your tongue out at him. "Alright, go, I got stuff to do, have fun, but not too much fun." Chris said, pushing you gently and pointing at you glaringly before he shut the door. The trailer door shut behind you and as you looked out over the lot, you let out a heavy sigh, knowing that any one of the trailers in front of you could be Jaeden's. But, luckily for you, you saw that he was walking towards you. His hands were shoved into his pockets, obviously he wasn't used to the Boston weather patterns and that it was very rarely warm any month after August.

"Cold?" You asked him, getting his attention. Jaeden looked up at you and laughed, nodding.

"I didn't think it would be so freezing, I'm not particularly used to the cold," He said, watching you as you walked down the steps to meet him, a small smile on your face. 

"You get used to it after a while, I mean, it's only October and to be honest it only gets worse from here," You told him as you walked to his trailer, your jacket held close to your body as the wind cut through you like a knife.  "What has my dad told you about me?" You asked him as you entered his trailer. Knowing your dad, he had probably already embarrassed you.

"Nothing bad, all good things, I promise," He said. You smiled over at him as he turned his TV on. "From what your dad said, he told me that your favourite movie's The Lost Boys, and I've never seen it before so I thought we could watch it together." Jaeden said. You giggled and nodded. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad, I mean, he knew your favourite movie. There was something about Jaeden that just made you feel so comfortable, you felt like you could be yourself around him.

"Yeah, but I'm kind off offended that you've never seen it before," You said. Jaeden laughed and shook his head, looking back over at you as you walked over to the couch, sitting down. "Like come on! It's one of the best 80's movies ever, it's up there with The Blues Brother." You pointed out. Jaeden sat down beside you and pressed play on the movie.

"I haven't seen that either," He said, looking up at you wearily. You let out a huff and shook your head. For someone who was appearing in a lot of movies, his taste appeared to be God awful. "I'm gonna have to spend all of my time showing you some great movies, aren't I?" You asked him. Jaeden nodded and smiled, his bottom lip trapped between his teeth. 

"Would you hate me if I said I haven't seen any of the Star Wars movies?" Your jaw almost fell open as you turned to him, a look of pure shock written on your features. "I just haven't gotten around to it yet." He admitted.

"Haven't gotten around to it yet? They've only been out for like 41 years!" You exclaimed. "I can't believe this, I considered you a man of taste." You feigned offence. 

"Well, I apologize, Y/N," He said, making you laugh. "I promise, once you show me all of the other hundreds of movies you're probably gonna wanna want to show me, we can watch Star Wars."

--

The night went well, you finished The Lost Boys and arranged another movie night with Jaeden and said you would watch 'The Blues Brothers' the next time. You didn't go back to the house since it was nearly 2 am by the time you had finished, even though the movie finished at midnight. You had spent the other few hours of the night showing Jaeden pictures and videos of Dodger, and you promised you would bring him to set one day. If you were to be honest, you were the happiest you had been in a while last night. 

"How was it?" Your dad asked, giving you a cup of coffee as you woke up from sleeping on the couch. It was 7 am and you only had about 5 hours of sleep, and you still had to drive home to take Dodger out and give him his breakfast. Chris sat down beside you and put his arm around you, smiling as you groaned and put your head on your dad's shoulder.

"It was good, we watched The Lost Boys, he said you told him that it was my favourite movie," You looked up at him, your eyebrows furrowed and your face scrunched up. Chris nodded. "How did you know?" You asked him.

"I made the mistake of letting Scott babysit you when you were four, he let you watch it and you were oddly fascinated with it," He told you. "Realistically, you should have been shit scared of it." Chris laughed and remembered the confusion he felt when he saw that you were sitting there watching the movie quite the thing. Scott looked more scared of the movie than you did, and he was way older than you.

"Can I bring Dodger here today? I promised Jaeden that I would let him meet him," You said, putting your shoes on and finishing your coffee. Chris nodded and then grinned, crossing his arms over his chest.

"So you're making promises to him?" He said suggestively. You rolled your eyes and let out an annoyed sigh.

"I told him he could meet the dog, not marry him, dad. And anyway, we're just friends," You assured your dad. Chris nodded skeptically and hummed, chuckling. Across the lot at the mansion, everyone was beginning to gather. Jaeden was standing with Katherine, feeling oddly nervous for some reason. 

"So what are you trying to say, that you like Chris' daughter?" Katherine asked him. Jaeden sighed and nodded, he felt like an idiot. He had only hung out with you once and he felt like he was head over heels for you, what a fool. Last night was the most fun he had had in a while, and all you did was watch a movie and hang around. 

"Is it that obvious? I saw them bump into each other yesterday and they both had the puppy dog eyes about them," Jamie-Lee piped in. 

"If Chris ever finds out he'll kill me on the spot, I guarantee you that," Jaeden said. Speaking of the devil, Chris came towards them, completing the set. Jaeden's face fell, noticing that you weren't following behind your dad. 

"Where's Y/N?" Jaeden asked Chris. 

"She's gone back to the house to get ready and bring Dodger to set," Chris told him. Jaeden nodded. Back at your house, you had cleaned up and showered, changing from your pyjamas to actual clothes. You then took Dodger a walk before getting him into your car, taking his leash and driving back to the set. You took him to your dad's trailer and waited for them to call break. "Y/N?" Dodger barked and ran to the front door to greet his dad.

"Hey, how's your day going?" You asked your dad. Chris went to the bedroom and sat Dodger on the bed.

"It's going good, but better now my two favourite children are here," Chris said. "Wait, I just noticed that my colour scheme matches Dodger's." He pointed out. You pulled out your phone and videoed them sitting beside each other, their colours matching very ominously well. 

"Wow, you are that fashionable you stole the dog's combo? That's amazing, dad," You said, a sarcastic smile on your face. 

 --

At lunch, Jaeden had gotten off earlier and asked if you could bring Dodger, and he needed his afternoon run anyway. Waiting in the yard of the mansion, Dodger sat beside you looking up at the ball in the thing you used to throw it for him. 

"Hey," He said, appearing behind you. Jaeden was still dressed in the school uniform, and you couldn't help but laugh. "What?" 

"Nothing, I just didn't take you as the uniform kinda guy," You said. Jaeden snickered and smirked at you with a small shake of his head.

"I'm not, I just can't get changed yet. If I could I would, school uniform's are really uncomfortable," Jaeden said. 

"Tell me about it. I mean, it could be worse, I've been wearing then everyday for the past 10 years," You told him. "Look, Dodger, who's this?" Dodger spun around to say hello to Jaeden, who crouched down and pet your dog, trying his hardest to not get any dog hair on him.

"Hi buddy," Jaeden greeted your dog. "Can I throw his ball for him?" He asked you. You nodded and handed him the ball launcher, watching as he threw the ball for Dodger, who chased after the ball.

"Thanks for last night, by the way," You said. Jaeden smiled at you. "I brought Blues Brother's on DVD for tonight if you're still up for it." You told him.

"Yeah, of course. Who else am I gonna watch all of the supposed 'superior' movies with?" He asked you. You giggled and if your face in your hands. The sound of your laughter made Jaeden's heart soar, he would do anything to hear you laugh like that all the time, it was like music to his ears any time he heard it.  Dodger came back with the ball, dropping it at your feet and sitting back, looking up at you expectantly. "Guess he's looking for this." Jaeden handed you the launcher and you got the ball in the top part.

"Alright Dodge, you ready bubs?" You moved back a few steps before launching the ball halfway across the extensive yard. Jaeden watched you, impression written on his features. "Keep looking at me like that and I'll throw you across the yard like that." You threatened him playfully. 

"You would never," Jaeden challenged you. "You'd have to catch me first." He said.

"You think you can outrun me?" You asked him. He grinned at you before running off from you, running down to where Dodger was. "Jaeden!" You yelled, starting to chase after him. He apparently didn't care that he was supposed to be entirely clean, but there wasn't any rain, so he probably wouldn't get that dirty. You laughed as you chased after him, catching up to him slowly but surely. You didn't see him, but your dad was watching you, a smile on his face at the sight of you seemingly happy. 

--

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[sad-dreamer93]

Scared Chapter 2

@thebutterflygirl16

I didn't sleep at all last night. I laid on the couch and listened to Adam as he snored the entire night. I was too afraid he'd try something if I fell asleep. I had decided to get up around 7, and go downstairs to eat breakfast before anyone else got up. I quietly slipped out of our room, making my way down to the lobby, where free breakfast awaited me. I loaded my plate and quickly ate all of it. I was starving from not eating the night before. 

I threw my plate away, and attempted to slip back into our room, before Adam woke up. but when I walked back in, he was already awake, and moving.

"good morning Olivia" he says gently. 

"good morning" I mumble. 

"we're gonna meet down in the lobby soon for breakfast if you want to join" he says. I thought about it for a second, and decided to go, I had already eaten, so the least I could do is drink some more coffee. he smiled when I agreed to go down to breakfast with them. 

"good morning guys" Roddy says as we enter into the lobby. where he and Kyle were already waiting. Bobby came down just a few moments later. The guys each fixed their plate of food, while I grabbed a cup of coffee and sat at the table. 

"aren't you going to eat?" Adam asks as he walked over to the table. I shook my head and took a drink of my coffee. I could tell he had concern in his eyes.

"I already ate" I say quietly. I could tell that made him feel a little better, but i could he was unsure of whether or not he could believe me.  the others joined our table, each of them having the same look of concern on their faces. I knew I couldn't tell them. I couldn't break down my barriers. after they finish eating, we return to our rooms to get our bags, and load the car. I found out that today was strictly a travel day. we had to be in San Diego by tomorrow afternoon, which meant driving all day. 

I was exhausted. I hadn't slept since my nap last night when they stopped for dinner. and that only lasted maybe an hour. I knew I had to stay awake. I couldn't fall asleep around them. I didn't trust them. I walked back into the room behind Adam, finished packing my few last minute items, and started to wheel my bags out. once again walking behind Adam. as we got to the car, Adam took my bags and loaded them into the car while I slipped into my seat. this time being between Adam and Roddy. 

As Kyle started driving, I could feel my eyes getting really heavy. I was trying everything in my power to stay awake. 

"you look exhausted" Roddy says. all I could do was nod. 

"didn't sleep?" Kyle asks. I shook my head 

"let me guess, Cole's snoring kept you awake" Bobby says. I nodded again, not wanting to tell them the truth.

"sorry, next time wake me up so i'll stop" Adam says. 

"try and take a nap, we've got a long drive ahead of us" Roddy says

I knew I had to stay awake. i'd try to sleep some when they stopped for lunch, and dinner. each passing moment got harder and harder to keep my eyes open. but I knew I had to keep fighting it. 

"why are you fighting sleep?" Adam asks. I remained silent, afraid to speak. he continued to watch me as I fought to keep my eyes open. I could feel my anxiety level start to rise. I hated people staring at me. I could feel the tears starting to come, once I noticed that Roddy was also looking in my direction. I brought my knees to my chest. placing my head into my knees. this was one of my many defense mechanisms. i'd curl up in a ball. it helped me feel safer. 

"you okay?" Adam gently asks. once again I remained silent. afraid to speak, knowing they would hear the panic in my voice. I felt a hand on my back, which caused me to jump. Adam looked at me with worry once he saw the tears in my eyes. "Olivia, what's wrong" he asks. I shook my head this time unable to speak.

"dude leave her alone, you're just making it worse" Kyle says

great now they all think i'm a freak. I finally got my breathing under control. and the tears were almost gone. I put my feet back in the floor. sitting up in my seat. now I was wide awake.

"you okay?" Roddy asks gently. I nod. still not able to speak.

"I know you don't really know us that well yet, but whatever is going on you can talk to any of us. we care about you, and hate to see such a beautiful girl upset" Bobby says.  the others agreed with him. but I knew they had to be lying. me beautiful? yeah right. 

"he means it you know, we all really care about you, even though we just met you yesterday" Adam says. they wouldn't understand. I had to stay strong. no matter how genuine they sound.

"can we get to know you a bit?" Kyle asks. I sighed but slowly nod. 

"did you grow up a fan of wrestling?" Adam asks

"yeah, I started watching when I was 12" 

"who did you idolize growing up?" Roddy asks

"Mostly Eddie Guerrero, and Rey Mysterio"

"both great choices" Roddy says

"the feud they had in 2005 was what really got me into wrestling"

"so how old are you now?" Bobby asks

"25" I say quietly, knowing I was younger than all of them

 "when did you start wrestling?" Kyle asks

"when I was 19, just graduated high school, and didn't want to go to college"

"so you've been wrestling for 6 years?" Roddy asks

"yeah, actually last month was 6 years in the business."

"worst injury?" Adam asks

"I've never had a wrestling related injury, but I've broken both arms, and bruised my ribs" I didn't want to tell them about all the other injuries ive had from years of abuse.

"how did you get them?" Kyle asks

"I broke my arms by falling off a swing set, the left one when I was 4, the right one when I was 8. and my bruised ribs, I had just stepped on the slip n slide to go down again when someone hit me, I went flying in the air and landed hard on my back. it knocked the wind out of me. I don't know how I didn't get a concussion, my head hit the ground hard"

"oh my god, i'm glad you're okay" Adam says

"me too, that was the scariest injury I've ever had. just having the wind knocked out of me terrified me. and afterward being in so much pain, it was horrible"

"yeah, anything involving the ribs is not fun" Roddy says

"no it isn't"

"where did you grow up?" Adam asks

"born and raised in Cincinnati, but I just moved to Florida because of NXT"

"Cincinnati has some of the most passionate wrestling fans. I loved doing ROH shows there" Adam says

"yeah, I loved it. I worked for smaller promotions all around the Midwest, this is the first big time shot I've had."

"well so far you're doing great. you really took it to Nikki last night" Kyle says

"yeah until she threw me into the announce desk" 

"how are you feeling after that?" Adam asks

"my back hurts, but I've had worse"

he puts his hand on my back, and starts to rub it. but the action causes me to flinch

"oh sorry did I hurt you?" he asks

"no, I just scare easily"

"yeah we noticed, why do you get scared easily?" Bobby asks

"I don't want to talk about it. you guys wouldn't understand"

"hey just because we don't understand, doesn't mean we don't care or want to help" Adam says gently

"I guess without going into a lot of details, I've gone through too much, that nobody should ever have to go through."

"you don't have to tell us, but if you ever want to talk, we're here" Adam says, placing his hand on my knee. 

I could see just how genuine these four really were. I could feel myself starting to become comfortable around them. but I couldn't let my walls down. not after last time.

"what kind of stuff do you do when you aren't wrestling?" Bobby asks

"write, read, play video games, and sleep" 

"oh a gamer, nice. what do you play?" Adam asks

"grand theft auto, fortnite, call of duty. even though i'm horrible at all of them"

"you can't be that bad" he says

"oh I am"

"what kind of movies do you like?" Kyle asks

"I don't really watch movies, i'm still a kid and love Disney movies though. they're my favorite" I say quietly

"hey nothing wrong with that." Adam says

"do you have a favorite?" Roddy asks

"The Little Mermaid for sure, if I could turn into a mermaid and escape humans I would"

"hey we aren't that bad are we?" Adam says jokingly

"okay most humans. plus I love the water."

"good thing you live in Florida then, you're surrounded by water." Adam says

"I love the water, but hate the beach. I hate the sand"

"you're crazy, the beach is so relaxing" Roddy says

"i'd rather be in the mountains somewhere, with a swimming pool than surrounded by the ocean and sand"

"i'm going to have to change your mind about the beach" Adam says

"good luck with that" I say letting out a big yawn

"you know we still have a while to go, if you want to take a nap" Roddy says

"i'll be fine, maybe i'll be able to sleep tonight"

"you sure? you can rest your head on my shoulder if you want" Adam says

"yeah i'll be fine"

I however I wasn't fine. as I leaned my head back onto the headrest, I knew it would be a challenge to stay awake. since the conversation had died down, I had nothing to distract me. I felt my eyes getting heavier and heavier, I felt Adam wrap his arm around me, and gently pull me so I could rest my head on his shoulder. I was to tired to even fight it. 

I was slowly letting my walls down. no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stay as strong as I was. they continued to break down the walls of my heart

[shytiff]

May Small Wins

1 - lazed, went to racheel’s place and put my motorbike there, went to slipi jaya with silvi devi reza to watch seobok (it was fun!!), had iftar at the yumz green sedayu. It was raining when we get back. prayed maghrib and isya in some random mosque. went back and arrived at like 8 past sumn. showered, slept like a babyy

2 - lazed, slept and woke up at like 11, went to nila’s house, practiced doing eyeliner by borrowing nila's (focallure brand), iftar at green sedayu foodcourt (originally intended to go to the yumz but it enforces actual distancing) with angkot ppl minus tik will. Arrived home at about 9-ish.

3 - magang as usual. Went to rm. Took mrt to lebak bulus. My inaco salary finally came. My head kinda hurts after tarawih. Ended up skimming over bj alex lmaooo. Did not shower today lol,,,,

4 - added dr dafsah's revision to the excel database otw to rsf. Pak nardi took a while to arrive. Left rsf early to go to the bank. I (((finally))) activated m-banking lmaooo wow the features are neat wow im not jahiliah anymore. Found this method of just let it sweat anyway during tarawih lmaoo. Preferably with long sleeves bcs somehow you feel less of the sweaty feel compared to tshirt.

5 - sampling - data entry - RM as usual. Theres no new RM. Read a goood dramione fic by bex chan even if its not complete, its okay. Im okay :"))). Iftar was soup, salad, chicken katsu and french fries. Its been 2 days that i practiced sleeping-to-rain-sound. The first night was spent as a dreamless quick sleep (its over before you knew it), but tonight i dreamed abt almira's wedding lmaoo.

6 - no sampling today!! Still went to rsf tooo go to the mall w regen lmao. Did some data entry. Went to PP by mrt. Went back by going to halte gbk and thankfully the kalideres one arrived after only waiting for 5 mins. Its surprisingly quick, compared to lebak bulus - pesakih trip. Took abt 20 mins to jelambar.

7 - no sampling today too. Dr vera gave us lebaran cookies! Did gcp for bu suryati a5. Went to rm, finally finished the available rm. Went home early. Can finally relax since its the weekend.

8 - literally laid in bed til my body hurts. Rly want to read sumn but dunno what. Finally decided to read momoiro heaven. And rere hello. And after iftar i read lack of love. And just like tht, my saturday was gone. Cant bring myself to do things

9 - its another day of lazying (or self sabotaging, cant tell). Read spy family and its effin hilarious. Wasted my sunday. Cant bring myself to even move and i just laid in bed all day.

10 - last day of work in the weeekend lmao. Felt better than being in AR, but still not that much productivity. Went to RM. Phone call w fianti along the way to plan food in almira's bridal shower. Went back at 12-ish. Picked up my dress from risma busana. Walked to and fro halte kebon jeruk. Prayed zuhur close to ashar in kfc's mushola. Felt better after ~8k steps. Had homelab's green tea mixed with vsoy. It honestly made me feel better. Matcha, or caffeine, sure is amazing. At least i had a sense of normalcy before losing all the will to self-care

11 - consumed internet entertainment u til i was sick and tired of it. Watched a lot of cut videos. Granny came and stayed over. So i slept upstairs

12 - same as 11 but upstairs. More relatives came near iftar time so i excused myself to shower. Slept in mom n dads room at like 12-ish. Watched hp goblet of fire since keisha and karins newest obsession was draco. We squealed together over liking enemies to lovers trope haha,,,,

13 - Somehow all of dad's jakarta relatives came for lebaran. the last time i checked, there were some bridges being burned. prayed eid at home. watched perempuan tanah jahanam (which was surprisingly not scary). ate. napped. talked about personal things w keisha and karin. i cant believe the time has finally come where we talk about this kinda stuff. watched you’re next (it barely has any plot, just gore). they went back at about 8 pm and i just sleptttt yall lmao i didnt shower today. disgusting, i know

14 - cam barely get out of bed. Managed to shower at zuhur time. Watched dalbang and laughed like crazy bcs its just that funny. Read fanfics. Tiktok. Ate once and had greenfield yogurt at the evening. Fell asleep. Woke up at 1 and snacked on 1 pack of oat krunch

15 - run bts. Originally planned to go to flavola but it was still closed, so i went to dm's dunkin. Ordered orange juice and oeanut choco donut but somehow the price wasnt package price hhh. Turns out my clires account was somehow banned. So i contacted the admin. Instead of doing dr dafsah's excel i ended up taking off the makara sticker from my laptop. Bought some stuff for almira's bridal shower. Bought arirang at hari2 (its funny bcs yesterday i was seeing online marketplace, planning to buy it, but turns out hari2 the magical place had buy 2 get +1 deal for arirang.

16 - run bts. Managed to move my body a bit. Did 20 squats (ill elaborate on this later). That improved my mood. Tidied up some of my stuff. Saw the paper bag of random memorabilias by friends.

17 - went to rsf by tj. left kalideres 06:45 and arrived at RSF 8:15. sampling. went to RM (still no new ones). picked up by mom. went to salemba for almira’s bridal shower. originally planned to get padang at citra minang behind BK but it was closed. so we drove around looking for open ones. ended up buying it in a small (but crowded) padang place near a big padang restaurant lmao. was the first one to arrive at acacia. checked in, pulled the bed near the wall. showered. its hilarious sometimes with a bit more serious discussion anjayy. went home w febby who drove and clara

18 - went to mcd to get lunch (since everyone’s fasting) and tried to muster the will to do something. i didnt manage to do anything except shopping online (brought dusty pink hijab at hijup). got spicy chicken and iced coffee. (spoiler alert: tomorrow i got mencret2 lmaooo). read my suha and beyond the skidipapap its actually rly good

19 - went to RSF (with mom as usual. quickly snapped RM pictures while mom was waiting. went with her to mami’s house bcs she and uwak will fly to banjar. finally got to meet haekal, he’s such a smiley babyy its basically free therapy. planned outing with nisa lmao. from soekarno hatta we went to vintage vibes lmao since we’re already out. vintage vibes is more crowded now. and there’s less good findings now. went back emptyhanded. ate chicken arirang since there’s no food. fell asleep at like 06:30 until early morning lmaooo

20 - woke up at 2-ish am, played my phone, fell asleep at like 9?, woke up again at 11 lmaooo. went to sbux. had matcha latte. did some inaco work. todays the most productive ive been this week.

21 - went to gi with febby to also meet up with fi, bought falsies and glue (later proved to be of a horrible quality), siraman and pengajian almira (first time seeing an actual siraman), went to blok m w nes ren ara gen. Tried naruto takoyaki at little tokyo, went to daitokyo (i didnt eat anything), and got matcha cake, sakura and mango raspberry gelato at kebun ide. Picked up by mom. Renata gifted me bts 2021 winter package photocard 🥺🥺

22 - iluni internship webinar by dr naldo. Grabbed fried chicken master. Stupid time management etcetc made my start makeup at 12 (febby went out at 13:30). My falsies and hijabdo was done by herrr thank god for the help. Went to swissbel. Didnt take a pic w almira bcs time. Almiras wedding at damai indah golf pik. My skin was TERRIBLE at the wedding. The make up didnt stick prolly bcs of vitacid. Thank god for masks,,, went back home w febbyy. Made tiktok lmao

23 - lazed. Went to flavola. Its finally daytime caffeine again w kopsuscok. Did dr triya's translation work and finished it at home. She transferred the fee at like 11pm

24 - off to RSF with mom. no new medical records. wrote fuad’s name on the medrec borrowing form. continued to nisa’s place w mom. lazed, played w haekal, put some patient’s phone number on the inaco excel. Off to GBK with nisa and sarah. parked at abc field (shouldve parked near GBK’s H gate). saw moja museum 2.0, took lots of pics. mo paint (moral lesson: draw the background first!! not the foreground). finished at 16:30. ashar at masjid al-bina. nisa dropped me off at gbk tj station. prayed maghrib on the bus since the traffic was so ughh. met atikah in lippo puri. decided to eat seirockya so we walked to puri. talked about a certain someone along the way. we rly talked about it while walking until we arrived at seirockya. atikah treated me uyeyy since she and racheel will stay in depok for 2 weeks starting tomorrow. got the shoyu ramen and gyoza. took the taxi to atikah’s place. mom’s waiting there lmaoo i was like “noo dont wait at jco, just wait at atikah’s”. still felt energized that night in my bed. no sleepy2. like 100% awake. 

25 - woke up at like 9:30. i basically did nothing today. didnt even shower lmao (i showered last night). read the good teacher in one go. zoom meeting w dr eva. i rly need some structure in life, goshhh

26 - showered and went to mcd. got nasi uduk, breakfast wrap and milo for 26k (thanks mcd app promo and mcd duta garden’s menu machine, i dont have to interact with another human). planning to do dr dafsah’s excel after all the data is complete, and still no new inaco data, so i ended up.... online shopping at bobobobo....... (bought outer and white culotte). tidied up the writings on my stickies (plenty of words has accumulated). ordered onejai for emir juan (expensive!!! 79k no promo lolll but free delivery. i was baited by gojek’s 1k 2 week subscription and felt like hmmm i should get something since we live in the middle of nowhere and free deliveries felt significant at that particular time when im holding my phone lmao). fell asleep after drinking vsoy + matcha lol its soft caffeine no longer works i guess

27 - woke up late as usual, went to sbux at 1 pm. tried white peach matcha frapp. the peach overpowers and u can barely taste the matcha. tried to read something useful (in medicine) but skimmed 2 ppt and then i saw solid’s bitly for isip. finished reading banana fish. couldnt bawl my eyes out because im outside.

28 - checked out rsf. Still no new ones. Immediately went back. Lazed and wasted my time

29 - iluni webinar. Here comes the impending life crisis. Ate nasi uduk and mie goreng telor today. Tried vsoy golden grain with matcha. It has almond aftertaste. Line call with kris for almost 4 hrs until 11 past sumn pm.

30 - more iluni webinar. Dr Eric, SpPD, PhD was rly cool. Tried daily box (butter soy chicken). Quite tasty. Mkg w regen. Videocalled in the mall w silvi racil bcs its ale and nadaa's wedding today. Bought gooma 500ml matcha w gofood pickup discount. Ate sushi go (the shoyu has mirin btw). 50k+ you get 6 piece of sushi (2 salmon) and matcha cake and ocha. Quite a nice deal. Talked abt cryptocurrency lmao. Went back and forth w TJ. All hail tj

31 - planned to do at least some productive stuff at home. turns out nila is outside and had some time to spare. so we went out. i met her in citra 6. we went to pik’s white beach. its scorching hot since its 2 pm. spent like 15 mins there. we had wanted to stop by monsieur spoon but THERES A QUEUEEE even if its a hot afternoon. so we ate tom sushi at green sedayu. talked a bit afterwards in nila’s place and then i was picked up by emir. tried gooma’s matcha. its not sweet like sbux. approved by mom (who doesnt like sweets). but its more expensive than sbux’s 2L 100k promo lol. (45k after gopay pickup promo for 500 ml). reread bj alex lmaooooo found new tidbits

[mommy2bprobz-blog]

Today Was The Day

No one ever tells you what rock bottom is or how it feels, because everyones rock bottom is different. A feeling and situation you cant escape no matter what exit strategy you think of. Im laying in bed, wearing the same outfit i had on yesterday minus my pants and bra. Im so hungry and weak, i feel like i could pass out. This is probably because im 9 weeks pregnant and the only thing ive eaten today is a bowl of lumpy malt o meal.  i stumbled into the kitchen half awake to make this about 4 hours ago when i felt so sick i thought i was going to throw up my baby. Ive cried 5 times already and its barely 1:30, with an hour long nap between when i woke up to now. My eyelashes are stuck together, and when i pull them apart i feel a salty residue on my fingers. I havent showered or brushed my teeth and im not sure ill even get to that point today. The most ive accomplished on this fine day is counting the number of sticky tac marks on the ceiling of my room from the previous owners of this apartment. I imagine they had a kid with those glow in the dark stars to look at before their precious child fell into sleep. My boyfriend has been nothing but patient and helpful since we found out im pregnant. Unfortunately ive managed to push him away so far because i cant stand the thought of someone seeing me failing miserably. Classic Lauren, disappearing when i dont have an answer for everything. I cant help but think that today, i realized im at my rock bottom.

                Finding out im pregnant has been one of the hardest things by far, ive ever gone through. Im 21 in an 8 month relationship, so its not the worst of situations. But i definitely wasnt ready. I was one of those people that swore they werent going to have kids until later on in their life.When i took the test by myself in a Tom Thumb bathroom, i cried in the stall for about 5 minutes while a lady occupied the one next to me. That shit was positive after about 3 seconds, no wait time, i was definitely pregnant. When i told my boyfriend, i was sure we would just get an abortion and move on with our lives. But by the end of our car ride, both of us couldnt see that as an option anymore. I did not want my first pregnancy to be a casualty caused by me. The first thing i did though, was call my mom and ask if i should keep the baby or not. Wrong thing to do, because anyone you ask will say its not their decision. I know because i asked 3 people very close to me, and i didnt get one solid answer. It was completely up to me.This decision was so intense and life changing either way i wanted to go. If i kept the baby, everything drastically changed and i would have someone that would look to me for the rest of my life with no breaks or time to myself. But if i didnt keep the baby, i didnt know if i would ever forgive myself for killing my first child. Im already a pretty emotionally deep person, and the thought of having a death on my shoulders made my heart so heavy. Especially since my reasons werent very good reasons to not keep the baby. I want to travel, I want to smoke and drink with friends, i dont want the responsibility yet. At this point i had been living on my own for years, bought cars on my own, had a full time job, and lived enough lifetimes for about 7 people. It was a selfish decision in my eyes, to say no to a child… my child. And so I became a mom.

                    The downfall since finding out is a pretty steep ass fall. My relationship has caved in and i lost my full time job! Fuck yeah to being pregnant and jobless. I had told one of my managers i was pregnant but i didnt want anyone to know. Well somehow all the other managers found out and i honest to God believe that they fired me for being pregnant. I had been working there for 2 and a half years. Never late, never written up, passed secret shops with a 100, never called in, came in when they needed help, had pretty close relationships with select managers, and i always did my job right. I made one single mistake. I got my first complaint, which every single employee there im sure has had complaints before, but this was my FIRST. The woman who fired me, reminds me of my dads girlfriend, which is probably why ive always been so stand offish with her. She sounds like her, like theyve sucked in too much helium and their voices will always be 8 octaves higher than it should be. And both are young, small white girls from small towns in Texas that no one has probably ever heard of. Weve all met a girl like this. I asked for understanding obviously, and tried to keep my job. But she was firm on the decision she had made. So i thanked her for the opportunity to work there and left. I texted my other managers and said i was glad to have met them and again thanked them for the opportunity as well. When i left, i thought i would be extremely hurt and upset. But i felt relieved… I had been working 50-70 hours a week there for over 2 years. I was burnt out and had contemplated finding a new job, but didnt because i was pregnant and thinking about money. But this just sped up the process. The only thing was i was not really prepared to get fired… I found a job the next day, but training was 2 weeks and this month my boyfriend and i were supposed to start a special savings fund for the baby and instead i would be 3 weeks without cash relying on my checkings and savings for my bills for the month. He said he would pay my bills, and i could take some time off to rest and figure things out. Which was very sweet. The only problem was that he lost his job 2 days later. So we were both jobless and expecting. Which put a strain on our relationship.

                         I didnt hold it against him. I had just been fired too. But bills were screaming at me, stresses of the baby were screaming at me, 2 weeks with no income was screaming at me. And i started pushing. I wanted to be alone and cry and feel sorry for myself. I wanted to figure my life out without anyone seeing me as a failure. Especially my partner. So i did what my job had done to me. Waited for something small to happen to cut things off so i could be alone and deal with my sorry ass life by myself. It wasnt justified. And i cant believe im hurting him for my own selfish problems. But im stressed the fuck out and i have no clue what the hell im doing right now. Everything in my life has been so sure. Job, bills paid on time, plan for the future, who i am. And now, i cant even get out of bed to eat a meal. How did this happen so fast and so drastically? Every decision i make im thinking of the baby inside of me. And right now, i think im a shit mom who needs to get it together before i really damage my life and my baby’s life. What does family look like to me? What is parenting? Maternity insurance? Delivery? Announcing my pregnancy? Its all unknown to me. So here i am, writing a blog of how im gonna make this work and do this for my kid. Hopefully what i learn along the way can be helpful to any other woman who is going through my same struggle. But for right now, im just as clueless as the rest of you....