#ITS SO ☹️☹️☹️☹️ idek how to describe how it makes me feel | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

maiseui · 2 years ago

Text

SEI MY FAVE THE LOML 😭‼️ NO BC I HAVE READ THIS LIKE 8374857383 TIMES ALR U HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME 😭😭😭 I FR STRUGGLED W THIS CHAPTER SO MUCH I DEADASS DIDNT EVEN WANNA UPLOAD IT BUT PLS U HAVE QUELLED SM OF MY UNHAPPINESS IM ABSOLUTELY BAWLING MY EYES OUT FROM THIS ‼️‼️⁉️⁉️ NAUR COS I FR DO NOT KNOW HOW I DESERVED U 😭 LTRLY BEST MOOT AWARD GOES TO U IM SCREAMINGGGGGGJWKFJWKD

I AM SO SORRY FOR THE ENDING BAJDJWKDJWKDK BUT NOW U KNOW EXACTLY HOW I FEEL (EXCEPT I FEEL WORSE BC UR ANGST IS LIKE REAL ACTUAL ANGST HSJEKJJ) WHEN I READ UR STUPID ASS STORIES AND UR SAD ASS ENDINGS 😾😾 AND STOO WHAT THE HELL ALL I EVER WANT IS FOR MY READERS TO ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND MY CHARACTERS SO PLS EICKEKCJEKD THE FACT ANYBODY COULD EVER BE EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THIS STORY IS MAKING ME FREAK OUT WTF I MIGHT JUST DIE HAPPY😭😭⁉️ aalso fr triage hee >>>> BC BOYS IRL ARENT LIKE THAT :( WHY DO I FIND HEAD PATS SO ENDEARING LIKE PLS YES PAT ME ON THE HEADBAHHSJSKDJSD ITS SUCH A TINY THING THAT I LOVE FOR NO REASON BUT PLS U NOTICED THAT ###yanderecouldnever

WAIT STOP I RLLY NEED THE FULL STORY ON THIS FRIEND OF URS ‼️‼️‼️🗣 THIS BESUTIFUL HUMAN AND HIS GOODNESS ??? THAYS SK CUTE IM CRYING I HOPE U GUYS R CLOSE :((( BUT FR THERE ARE SOMANY TIMES I WONDER IF IM A GOOD EVNOUGH PERSON AND THEN I FEEL BAD FOR THINKING BAD THOUGHTS LIKE HELP??? BITCH WHY IT COST SO MUCH TO FUCKING LIVE THESE DAYS FR??? “her struggles ain’t beautiful” THE WAY I CACKLED??? SEI STOP YOURE SO UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY SJSJKWSJSHA HELP SO TRUE QUEEN BUT NO IM RLLY RLLY RLLY GLAD U COULD RELATE TO THAT WHOLE THING W YNS INNER CONFLICT LIKE FR THIS MADE ME SOSOSOSO HAPPY TO READ BC I WASNT EVEN SURE PEOPLE WOULD UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE WAS THINKING YK :(

HAKkajajHAHSHEHJDHDJSKAJSDHKS YOUR FINAL PARAGRPAH IS MAKING ME LOSE IT IM GOING INSANE SEI 😭😭😭😭😭😭 HSJDJSJSJSK IM SAURRRRRYYY 😭😭😭 BUT ALSO PLS IM LITERALLY SO OVERJOYED WTH UR COMPLIMENTS ARE SO SO KIND AND I RLLY DONT DESERVE THEM BUT BFF WTF THANK YOU SOSODOOD MUCH LIKE??? IDEK WHAT TO SAY??? NOT U GASSING ME UP LIKE CRAZY. BUT ☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️💖💖💖💖 NO I CANT DO THIS?!?!

ALSO YES JKSFJSK RYU AND TAE ARE SO MEAN LIKE HELLO WTF LEAVE THE BOY ALONE??? NOT HIS FAULT YALL WERE IN THE BEDROOM CANOODLING 😭 BUT FR THEYVE HAD JT OUT FOR HEESEUNG SINCE DAY ONE SO IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME THOSE MFS DID SMTH 😐😐😐 BUT STOP UR STORY ABT DROPPING UR PHOJE GENUIRNLY MADE ME LAUGH LIKE INCANT DESCRIBE HOW FUNNY RHAT IS AHSHDHAHSHE IM LITERALLY SO MOVED KNOWING THIS CHAPTER WAS OKAY??? U ARE SO KIND??? THANK U SO MUCH FOR EVEN READING??? LIKE WOW U RLLY RLLY RLLY DIDNT HAHE TO TAKE THE TIME IUT TO WRITE SUCH A LENGTHY REVIEW LIKE IK THIS TAKES THE TIME OUT OF UR DAY SO LIKE THANK YOU SOSOSOSOSO MUCH LIKE I. APPRECIATE U SO MUCH ☹️☹️☹️☹️💖💓��💝🌷 U R TRULY MY FAVE AND STOP I AM NOT UR FAVE WRITER SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I PROPOSE FR I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS

triage — ft. lee heeseung (chapter IV)

you try to teach the nerd how to date.

synopsis: heeseung is not, by any measure, date-able. he’s dorky, he’s nerdy, and he does this weird thing where he snorts loudly every time he laughs. in fact, he loves everything that normal people are allergic to — computer science, collecting rare comic books, and birdwatching on the weekend.

given that you two have obviously nothing in common, you find yourself utterly flabbergasted when you receive a letter in your locker, on which heeseung has written, "hi. will you please teach me how to date?"

MASTERLIST HERE !

kayla’s playlist (@/miiiwaa) ♡ my shitty og playlist . tags : #.*triage .

TAGLIST

@enhyflirt @dreamyenskz @icedcoffeesunwoo @ssolari @skazoo @jjunis @heejake-en @koroktsuya @jeongwins @tinykoi-s @en-boyz @soobin-chois @blessed-sky @jhyunieee @kisswon @vbxrin @cosmicsunghoon @bloomedberry @jungwonielove @miiiwaa @jungwoniee @lhsng @missharubear @deonuism @sarahxy537 @bambisgirl @hrrhmay-primaryblog @yeonzzun @msxflower @sunsunu @jangwonie @sweetjaemss @seungstarss @tokyoflies @solelyenha @softforqiankun @goodforgyu @va1ry @taekbokki @ashxxkook @moon-gyus @jakeified @markleeisdabestdrug @wccycc @viagumi @pisss111 @outrologist @fairfairee @hiqhkey @ctrlemis

chapter four

word count: 6.5k | navigation: previous / next / MASTERLIST warnings: swearing, (verbal) bullying

‎‎‏‏‎ ‎

“can i consider this my first real date?”

you feel your stomach twist and your heart begin to race, because while you must have convinced yourself that you were far beyond the stage of craving romance — you’re not.

you want it. you want romance. you want this romance, you want the one with the smiles and the giggles and the clumsy ballroom dancing and ice creams at a park and foam moustaches from nice cafés around town. you desperately want this kind of romance, but you want it with heeseung.

because you’ve realised that while you’re a sunset, heeseung is a sunrise.

the kind of sunrise that rises during dawn; one that touches everything around it with a golden glow and brightens any room to the standards of heaven.

he makes everything around him glow.

even you.

he makes even you feel like you can glow.

“you… you want to consider me your first real date?” you mutter, disbelieving of his words.

“well, yeah.” he blushes, eyes cast to the side as he rubs the nape of his neck. “so... so i can brag about you...”

brag?

the rest of his sentence trickles off, but this is the point where your stomach mangles into a knot.

the thing about glow is that there must be darkness to begin — and if there’s anything your friendship with heeseung has shown you, it’s that you have so much darkness you’ve never been courageous enough to face.

after all, heeseung is far removed from the life you’re accustomed to.

brag?

there is nothing about you worth bragging about.

you’ve spent years indulging in the exhilaration of danger and chaos, mistaking it for fulfilment and happiness. in your darkest days, you found shreds of pleasure in late night parties, cigarettes and blunts, and shallow friendships you always secretly knew deepened the void in your soul.

but heeseung is good. he is pure-hearted, and honest, and sweet, and so, so kind.

so as you sit here in heeseung’s car, faced with the realisation that you are dark and he is light, you can’t help but disintegrate into tears.

you begin sobbing.

your darkness unravels from its knot — every fissure, every fracture, and every tiny splinter that traces your soul is exposed bare. you reveal your innermost insecurities to heeseung, crying because you feel undeserving of all the kindness he’s shown you.

tonight’s wedding date was one of the best nights of your life. it felt ethereal, like a movie brought to life or your favourite song played live and just for you. it was fun. too fun; the kind that makes it painfully obvious that you must eventually float back to earth and be dragged to reality. you cry and cry, guilt and misery seizing your throat. you don’t deserve him, because while he admires you like a goddess, you are nothing but damaged goods with skeletons and dust in her closet.

the silence that hangs in the air is paralysing.

this must be a long time coming, because more sobs erupt from you than you thought possible — how long have you been holding in your misery?

or, perhaps you should have seen this coming — after all, there was always a voice that echoed in your subconscious each time you witnessed your shitty friends do shitty things. or when you’d wake up on a sunday morning and stare at the ceiling and contemplate the way you’ve wasted another night mindlessly partying. or when ryujin or taehyun exchanged malicious words about your classmates and you never said a thing until heeseung came along.

he must be terribly stunned by your reaction, but you are so inconsolably wretched that you don’t notice he’s exited the driver’s seat. in fact, heeseung has already dashed around to the other side of the car. he opens the door on your side, instantly wrapping you into an embrace that tucks your face into the crook of his neck.

warm. heeseung is warm.

“i-i’m so sorry!” he squeaks. you inhale the scent of his soft cologne, while his warmth oozes into you and softens your heart. he doesn’t understand the reason behind your tears, and instead frantically pats your hair in an attempt to comfort you. “a-are you okay? ah, right— no, you’re obviously not okay... i’m… i’m so sorry. was it me? did i make you cry? whatever it is, i’m so, so sorry, okay?”

you sob harder.

why is he apologising?

and why is he so goddamn warm?

with your proximity, you can feel the pounding inside heeseung’s chest. his heart is hammering. he must be nervous, you think, because you’ve always held yourself with a high chin and a strong resolve.

is he disappointed that you are not as confident and self-assured as you seem?

or has he seen through you all this time?

truthfully, what makes you more miserable is that his warmth and touch are ridiculously comforting. you melt into his arms, wrapping yours around his back to pull him in closer. he’s like a sun that doesn’t burn.

“d-do…” his whisper as unsung as a feather in rain, “…do you want ice cream? or… or cookies? or… um… books? i-i really don’t kno—”

his kind offers only make you sob harder. he truly is the personification of a sunrise, isn’t he? he’s bright, he’s warm, and with his presence, you find a sort of clarity you’ve been seeking all your life.

“i-i—”

“it’s okay, it’s okay,” he shushes you, noticing the way you choke on your words. he rubs circles on your back, then strokes your hair, then pulls you in close and squeezes his cheek against the side of your head, enchanting you with his comfort and intimacy. seconds and minutes pass as you hug him as tightly as you can, indulging in another one of your selfish desires.

one more time, you think.

you could afford to be selfish just one more time.

you and heeseung never spoke about that night again.

the next time you saw him, you knew by the look in his eyes that he wanted to ask if you were okay. however, hesitant to admit your innermost insecurity about not being good enough for him, you gave him a simple smile and he never pushed any further.

from then, you let yourself enjoy simple pleasures with heeseung, and together, you embraced the aspects of your life you loathed most. you improved. you started studying again after he began tutoring you. you focused in class, read books, slept early, and rid yourself of all the bad influences in your life. you flourished and bloomed and slowly, with each tiny achievement you amassed across a few weeks, became more and more confident that you weren’t so bad after all.

it’s funny, because you’d once promised to teach heeseung how to date, without knowing that he’d teach you how to heal. now, you realise that these two come hand in hand. perhaps the reason you never let yourself settle down with a boy was because you’d never learned to heal first.

and because of this, you fall a little harder and harder for him each day.

you’re not sure it’s even love — but whatever it is, it exists and you feel it vibrate along your bones. and that’s enough for you to know it’s there, even if most of your affections are hidden in shadows.

you might not deserve him, but you allow yourself to admire him in secrecy. you collect little memories and store them inside precious jars inside your heart. you watch him during the day and think about him during the night. you watch the way he scrunches up his shoulders when he laughs and the way his eyes sparkle when he talks about his mom. like a broken record, you replay every kind deed he does for you and roll around in your bed, giddy and blushing at the memory of every time your hands accidentally touched. you become absorbed in an innocent, pure love you hadn't thought could be possible for you.

however, you know better than to keep him to yourself. after all, with each step to becoming a better person, you understand he is leaps and bounds out of your league. so, despite the way it makes your heart ache, you continue to teach heeseung.

in the same way he teaches you how to heal, you continue to teach him how to date. you accompany him on fake dates and show him how to approach random strangers with confidence. you teach him how to dress, how to hold a conversation, what to do at the end of the date, how to make a girl swoon, and finally, how to recognise when they’re in love with him.

despite the fact that it makes your heart uneasy, you teach him the final lesson.

HOW TO DATE: LESSON 3 — only ever date people that are in your league. otherwise, you’re just setting yourself up for failure.

unbeknownst to you, this lesson is the very reason why heeseung’s heart is uneasy, too.

because he’s wondering the exact same thing.

is he good enough for you?

“i really think you should go, heeseung.”

“really?”

“really.”

it’s 5pm on a friday night, and the two of you are inside his bedroom — you, sitting on the edge of his bed with one leg folded over the other, and him nervously pacing around the room. he’s been like this ever since you both had returned from school.

your eyes follow each of his movements, even if that means he goes up and down the room — up and down and up and down and up and do—

“i-i… i don’t know.” he mumbles, gnawing on the nail of his thumb. you watch in amusement as he suddenly halts and huffs his cheeks. “i just… well, i’ve never really been to a party before.”

your eyes almost bulge out their sockets. “wait, really? never?”

he offers you a bashful look, straightening his school uniform. “n-never. is that bad?”

not bad, just surprising, though the more you think about it, not very surprising at all. it’s lee heeseung after all, the boy with his nose stuck so far into books that the tip of it probably has ink stains. “of course not!” you wave your hands, hoping to quell his anxiety.

heeseung shoots you an uneasy look, so you stand and gently clasp his wrist, dragging him to sit with you on the bed. the two of you land on it with a soft thud and you hold one of his shoulders in reassurance.

“seriously, you should go.” you say with a soft smile. “it’ll be really fun!”

“you think?” he winces.

“yeah!” you nod enthusiastically. “i can help you pick out an outfit and everything. you’ll be the hottest guy there. girls…” you try to bite back the uncomfortable tug at your heart, “... will be all over you. you’ll have, like, four dates to attend the next day.”

“four dates?” he stares at you, puzzled. “that doesn’t seem very time-efficient—”

“it’s a hyperbole, heeseung. shut up.” you cut him off with a roll of the eyes. he giggles from your reaction, softening your expression. “in all seriousness, you should go. you know, my first party was crazy fun, like basically i ended up drinking a little too much and i woke up the next day with this video of me running down the road half-nak—”

he blinks.

“—uh, nauseated. half-nauseated. i was very sick, so i walked all the way home, totally sober and safe and normal! yes. i did just that.”

you turn away and cough awkwardly, forgetting about how unhinged most of your party stories seem to end. regardless, it really is your sincerest hope that heeseung goes — it’ll be good for him to go out and socialise with people that aren’t you; he’s obviously getting better and better at making friends with his classmates if he’s already received his first party invitation.

“i-i don’t know… i’m not really going to know anybody there…”

“i’ll pick you up afterwards!” you grin, making the edges of his lips tug upward. then, you reach over and stroke his head, lowering yours to coo at him sarcastically. “and make sure you’re safe and all tucked into bed ‘cause you’re being such a baby.”

“b-baby?” his eyes widen while he bites back a smile, blush trickling into his cheeks. his actions make your eyes quickly dart to his lips before you tell yourself to stop thinking about kissing him. “hm…” he taps his chin with a restrained smile, before his eyes brighten and his head snaps up at you. “why don’t you come with me?”

you stare at him like he’s speaking a foreign language. “what? no!”

“why not?” he whines, nudging you with his shoulder. “you said it yourself! parties are fun!”

“well yeah, but, i’m kinda doing this thing where i stop drinking, heeseung!” you laugh, in reference to your recent life deep-cleanse. you’ve cut out your friends and self-sabotaging, which most definitely includes your drinking and partying.

“you don’t have to drink!” heeseung beams. “it’ll be fun. i-i think i’d be a lot more comfortable if you were there…”

shit.

you feel yourself waver. truthfully speaking, you do miss partying, and you’re certain it’d be a hundred times better with heeseung by your side. perhaps it’d be good for you to keep a look out for heeseung; you know how most of these events tend to go. if they’re anything like the ones your friends used to host, one or two poor suckers almost always walk home with an embarrassing story that gets echoed into the hallways. there was no chance in hell you’d let that happen to your sweet boy.

“but i wasn’t invited.” you frown. ironically, your popularity has taken quite the hit — apparently, having your ex-best friend ryujin spread nasty rumors isn’t painting the nicest picture of you with the rest of the student body. you don’t really care for it, but you would certainly find it weird to show up to a party nobody expects you to attend.

“who cares? if they kick us out, we can hang out afterwards.” heeseung beams, his eyes crinkling with his smile. “late night bike rides?”

you can’t help but grin back, feeling the heavy feeling in your chest lift. late night bike rides — just him, you, and the chilly breeze as his bicycle courses its away down the pave way.

“okay… fine.”

truthfully, a part of you hopes this party doesn’t even happen.

unbeknownst to you, a part of heeseung is hoping the exact same thing.

apparently, picking out an outfit for heeseung is not easy when you disagree on his chosen tee.

“but people love superheroes.” heeseung pouts. “that’s why they’re called super. because they’re super cool.”

“dude, if you say another word, i will literally shove this shirt down your throat.” you growl, yanking the superhero tee out his hands and tossing it across the room. his head follows the direction it flies and he watches it land with a soft thud. “that shirt is an abomination and deserves to be burned.”

“aw,” he slumps. “but… that was iron man.”

“more like, iron letting anybody wear that outside.” you snort from your pun before your smile quickly vanishes. fuck. did you just laugh at your own joke? is heeseung making you… lame? is this who you are now? “okay… anyway.” you shudder at that thought. “i picked this outfit for you. come look!”

heeseung stamps his lips together, waddling closer toward you as he peers into his own closet. you quickly retrieve the white dress-shirt you’ve chosen and the cream white sweater you’re hoping to layer it with. across the sweater are thick black vertical lines and a front print that reads stray souls pray for us, among other ominous words you hope will suffice in creating an edgy aura. “i thought maybe we could pair this with some black jeans, a necklace and chuck on a bunch of fake piercings. you’ll look emo, but at least you won’t look horny for a man made out of metal.”

“hey! that’s so disrespectful to iron man!”

“whatever man,” you shove all the clothes in his hands while shuffling toward the bedroom door so you can leave. “i’m going to get changed in the bathroom. just tell me when you’re finished dressing.”

you place your hand on the door knob before halting. oh, right!

whirling around, you rush for your backpack in the corner.

“by the way,” you grin, unzipping your backpack and reaching into it to retrieve something. heeseung stares at you curiously, only to find himself wide-eyed when you yank out a small box from your bag.

“this is for you.” you excitedly grin. “i saw it the other day in a store and it reminded me of you.”

his eyes instantly round in surprise. “this is for me?”

“yeah,” you smile. “i know i told myself no more shoplifting but i couldn’t resist it.”

he gasps loudly. “wait, y-you stole this?” he shrieks nervously, eyes bouncing between you and the box.

you chuckle easily. “well, yeah. i mean, only ‘cause i forgot my purse.”

“i could’ve paid it for you!”

“but then it wouldn’t have been a gift.” you shake your head. “just take it, heeseung. i’ll, uh… drop off the money to them tomorrow.”

he presses his lips into a line, eventually succumbing to your compromise. now, he finally examines the box in his hands, peeking curiously. “but… what is it?” he asks, slowly peeling the wrapping away.

“a jigsaw puzzle!” you explain excitedly. “i just thought—i don’t know, you once mentioned you and your mother like to do jigsaw puzzles together, and… i thought this picture was really pretty.”

he stares at first before a smile instantly sweeps his features. “wow, thank you so much!” heeseung beams, and the sparkle in his eyes makes you feel unimaginably elated. his smile is so damn pretty but it’s even prettier when you’re the reason for it. “so what’s the picture?”

“just some landscape photo.” you mutter, too embarrassed to admit that it’s a sunset. something about admitting this inside joke is frankly a bit embarrassing — what if he’s long forgotten about it? what if this is entirely one-sided?

heeseung giggles as he opens the box and peers at the jigsaw pieces inside it. “ah! a sunset of course.” he bobs his head. “a sunset from miss sunset.” he smiles affectionately, “i love it so much.”

you smile and nod your head once, desperately containing your excitement. can’t show too much, and all at once.

he then captures your attention by rummaging through the pieces and yanking one of them out of it. “here!” he holds it out for you, causing you to stare in bewilderment.

“what?”

“keep it.” he urges.

“but… then you can’t finish your puzzle.” you blink.

“that’s the point!” he giggles. “so you can have an excuse to meet my mom one day.”

you’re nervously staring at your reflection in the mirror, adjusting the way the clothes sit on your body. you had quickly come home and back to heeseung’s to grab a change of clothes, but now you fear that you’d chosen the wrong ones.

or perhaps there was never a “wrong” outfit to choose because they’re all horribly inappropriate. it’s infuriating dealing with your past self — why the hell are all your skirts so damn short?

perhaps you’ve been too focused on dealing with heeseung’s closet to realise that you need a change of your own. the only party attire you own is everything you used to wear, which is a gaudy collection of mini skirts, cropped tops, distressed denim and tops that borderline lingerie. for fuck’s sake, you curse to yourself, fidgeting with the outfit you’re already embarrassed at the thought of heeseung seeing.

you’ve chosen a black mini skirt and a matching sleeveless halter top that knots at the back of your neck, accentuating your shoulders and drawing attention to the bare expanse of your back. this was always one of your go-to outfits — admittedly, it was a crowd favourite, but only because it flatters all your nicest assets and treads the line between flirty and fun.

dreading how heeseung will react on seeing this, you release your hair so it flows down your back and adjust your makeup, forcing a smile at yourself to see your red-painted lips stretch.

“don’t come in; i look stupid.” heeseung mutters when he hears you just outside his bedroom door, so you peer inside before opening it widely with a big grin. seated on the edge of the bed, he turns toward you at the door and opens his mouth to speak before freezing when he sees you.

“w-woah.”

you feel your entire face burn like metal under the sun, because heeseung continues to stare, eyes rounded and mouth slightly ajar. “sorry,” you blush profusely, brushing your hair so that it conceals as much of your top as possible. “fuck, my, uh, closet isn’t very wholesome and so—”

“n-no!” he cries, waving his hands around frantically. “i-i wasn’t thinking that! i promise!”

you stamp your lips into an awkward smile and trail across the room.

“the jewellery fits you really well, by the way.” you comment, appreciating the way his necklace and earrings elevate the overall badass aura this outfit has given him. the sweater makes his shoulders look wide, while the dress-shirt collar that peeks out from beneath it makes him look fashionable. these jeans would look good with some boots, you think, making a mental note of what already exists in his closet.

“your hair looks kinda dumb though.” you scoff playfully, standing in front of him now. “i’ll fix it.”

“n-no, it’s oka—”

he gulps, leaning back as you slide between the space between each of his legs and reach over to brush his hair with your fingers. bit by bit, you gently untangle any knots and use small amounts of styling cream to get them in the right place. it causes you to occasionally lean in to reach the ends at the back, so he turns his face to the side in an attempt to avoid contact with your chest. “a-ah… um, m-maybe you should—”

“i think it’ll look really nice like this.” you comment absentmindedly, without realising that you’ve completely enveloped him with your scent.

you’re close.

you’re too close, he thinks, but you don’t seem to realise it — truthfully, you’re a little too focused to have heard heeseung, nor the way his hand is slowly resting on your waist.

then, you feel his fingers brush against the bare skin of your waist just above your skirt, and your whole body freezes.

he’s touching you. heeseung is touching you.

every inch of your skin that he touches sends shivers down your spine, but before you can begin to process what’s happening, he gently pushes you away by a grip on your hips.

“stop.” he mumbles, head hanging low. “please stop, okay?” you stumble back when he pushes you a little further. you stand, dumbfounded and stunned, his fingers burning every inch of the skin he’s touched like a scathing chisel.

did you do something wrong?

is he uncomfortable with you?

how close is too close?

“i-i can do it myself.” he mumbles, desperately concealing his flushed face before rushing toward his bathroom, so quick that you stare off at the absent space left on his seat on the bed.

for the first time, the car ride is silent. you’d like to have the courage to speak up, but the last time anybody had ever spoken was when you’d thanked him for giving you the handbag you almost forgot to bring along. he’d gotten red, dipped his head and muttered a quiet you’re welcome, and that in itself felt like the death of the conversation.

during the car ride to the party, you fiddle with the hem of your mini skirt, plagued with a re-run of what happened in his bedroom. perhaps you’re getting a little too comfortable with him; or perhaps he just doesn’t need your guidance anymore.

now you just feel a moron.

perhaps you shouldn't have decided to come to this party after all.

“s-sorry.” heeseung finally squeaks, so you whip your head toward the driver’s seat. he seems to be nervously clutching the steering wheel with both eyes drilling the road ahead. “i’m sorry.”

what?

“what do you mean?” you frown, though the tension in your body dissipates now that you’re talking again.

“i’m really sorry.” heeseung gnaws on his lips, his body tense, and his eyes unable to be peeled away from the road. “i just… y-you’re, like, so pretty and everything about you is just... you make me really nervous, you know? i’m sorry i pushed you away, i just kind of… i— nevermind.” his entire reddens while he huffs his cheeks heftily. “y-you just… you look really, um.. wow. you look really, really incredible. and th-thank you for fixing my hair...”

incredible?

he thinks you look really, really incredible?

you instantly smile, feeling your heart swell with giddiness. not just incredible, and not just really incredible — but really, really incredible. you bite back a grin, quickly turning to the passenger window in an attempt to conceal your utter delight. you feel like a giddy middle schooler.

“it’s okay.” you whisper. “i’m just really, really glad we’re talking again.”

heeseung is many things. a smart boy, a loving son, but above everything else, a horrible, horrible drunk.

it doesn’t help that three hours in, you’re one of the only sober people surrounded by drunk morons. it felt like just a minute ago when the two of you were nervously standing outside yuna’s door, ushered inside and offered various drinks (which you pawned off to heeseung).

you glare at him from your seat halfway on the stairs, watching him through the balusters as he chats up lia. she’s been giggling uncontrollably ever since she found out that heeseung is (thanks to you!) super hot now.

fucking bitch.

she’s been playfully touching heeseung and laughing at all his jokes all night. he’s been blushing and timidly telling her more of his probably dumb as fuck chemistry jokes.

truthfully, you don’t even need the vodka — the burning sensation of jealousy inside your chest is enough to keep you flushed. thing is, you can’t even be mad — after all, you’re the one that taught him all the skills to flirt and you’re the one that even encouraged him to come to this lame ass party anyway.

you want to be able to enjoy this party, you really do, but it’s hard when your mind is going haywire. even a party like this — one inside yuna’s spacious house, decked with bottomless drinks, endless entertainment and rnb music — you can’t seem to take your mind off your favourite boy.

huffing in annoyance, you clench your jaw and take a sip of your stupid, cold ass water. water is such a dumb drink. who even likes drinking water? water is dumb and this party is dumb and heeseung is so fucking dumb.

“you look like you’re going to murder someone.”

you look up over your shoulder, past your mascara-laden lashes. standing a few stairs above you is ryujin, with her brows lifted and her hands on her hips. you instantly scowl and groan, turning back around.

“i’m not in the mood.” you tell your ex-best friend. “get lost.”

“bitch, this is my party and you’re telling me to get lost?”

you snap your head back up to stare at her in confusion, only to then connect the dots. right, you almost forgot — she’s friends with yuna.

she watches in amusement as you make the realisation, trodding down the steps to take the seat beside you. okay, this is officially weird — since when were you and ryujin on talking terms?

“your party’s shit.” you hiss at her, thinking about heeseung and a girl you might very soon rip the limbs off. she’s got her hand on heeseung’s arm and he’s blushing profusely because of it. childishly, you make note of where she’s touched so you know never to touch him there ever again. “it’s so fucking lame.”

“honey, you’ve been staring at that little dweeb all night. as if i’m not going to know the only reason you’re pissy is because you’re jealous.” ryujin snorts.

you glare at her again, making her lift her hands up in defence. “sorry, slip of tongue — not dweeb, just… boy. although whatever experiment you’ve been doing on him seems to be working. he’s like… highkey hot now.” she flashes a humorous smile. you press your lips together, unimpressed, instantly returning your gaze back to heeseung.

what the hell? they’re on the couch now?

“whatever.” you mumble, swirling the straw inside your cup. you’re well-accustomed to lying; it’s something that comes natural to you, but for some reason, you don’t even bother to hide your disdain for heeseung and lia.

she’s not right for him.

“taehyun’s coming to pick me up later if you wanna hang with us. we’re probably just going to chill at his house.” she grins.

“easy pass.” you scoff, thinking about the way she’s treated you. “and can you stop talking to me like we’re friends? we’re not, so get lost.”

ryujin offers you a wounded look. “dude, what’s your fucking issue? why are you always acting like you’re better than us? stop being such a pompous bitch.”

you instantly stand looking back at her with a furious gaze. “i’m leaving. don’t talk to me.”

heeseung doesn’t know love.

he knows many things, like the circumference of various planets and enough digits of pi to bore a whole party to sleep, but he doesn’t know love. after all, he’s never experienced anything remotely close to it.

lately, however, he’s been feeling like he’s inching closer and closer to the real thing.

and it’s all thanks to you.

your dating lessons have clarified a lot of what he always felt unsure about. he’s not the best with people and definitely not with girls, but you bring the clarity he’s always been searching for.

however, engaging in this conversation with lia has thrown out everything he thought he learned about girls.

are conversations always this… boring?

“yeah. isn’t school the worst?” lia giggles.

“haha, yes… i hate school…” heeseung nervously laughs, his smile fading away by the second. how can school be the worst when it’s the best?

he doesn’t mean to be rude, but he’s not having a great time. sitting here on the couch with lia is an experience he’s trying to push himself to have, but frankly the conversation just doesn’t run as smoothly as it does with you. besides, he’s definitely not the only person that’s obviously bored, because every time heeseung opens his mouth to share another fun fact about light bulbs, he can literally see the light in lia’s eyes vanish.

she’s not really having the best time either, yet somehow she’s becoming more touchy by the minute.

it’s contradictory. he doesn’t understand what she’s thinking. and this is not a problem he faced when going on all those fake dates with you.

he’s really, really confused and when he feels this way, there’s only one person that smooths out the mangled mess in his brain — you.

as he quickly tears his eyes away from lia and surveys the area for a glimpse of you, he finds himself more anxious when he can’t. miss sunset, miss sunset, miss sunset… your name repeats in his head like a drum. you’re truly the only thing in the world that makes sense (other than science, of course), and now that the effects of alcohol are beginning to afflict him, he’s finding it more and more hard to be without you.

so he quickly excuses himself from lia and springs to his feet.

“hey! b-but heechul, i thought we could maybe… you know, leave this party together?” she smiles, brows lifted in anticipation.

heeseung blinks. “my name is heeseung.”

her face falls. “oh.”

“i mean, unless my parents are dyslexic and read my birth certificate wrong,” he jokes, snorting at first until he realises she’s not laughing. that’s when his smile instantly vanishes and he dips his head low in shame. maybe he’s only funny to miss sunset. “s-sorry.” he blushes, “i-i really have to go. m-maybe i’ll see you around?”

lia huffs before sighing. “okay, i guess.”

scratching the nape of his neck, he whirls around and begins his search for you.

as he traverses his way through the crowds of people and dodges the spillage of the drinks in their hands, he eventually discovers that he’s making loops around the first storey. ah, he reminds himself, there’s a second storey! he climbs the stairs, taking note of the cups that have been left up along it. there are two — one of which has a familiar lipstick stain he’s pretty sure you’d worn.

he’d know.

after all, he’s been staring at your lips all day.

sparing some time, he neatly stacks the cups together and brings them with him upstairs in search for a garbage container. as he reaches the second storey, he notices a few closed bedroom doors and one which is slightly ajar.

batting his lashes curiously, he hears distant chatter at the bedroom at the very end of the hallway. ignoring it, he walks right across the carpet, locating the bathroom. after discarding the trash, he takes a few minutes of examining his reflection (lia had ruined the hair you made look so pretty) before exiting the bathroom.

then he halts in his feet, because he hears a loud crash.

concerned, he bolts toward the bedroom at the end of the hallway and swings the door open, only to immediately regret his actions afterward.

because he’s just seen something he shouldn’t have.

standing beside the bed, ryujin and taehyun are tangled in each other’s arms. heeseung’s eyes immediately widen as their lips detach and they snap their heads over at him, equally as shocked as him.

oh no.

“oh, for fuck’s sake!” ryujin cries, shoving taehyun away from her as she glares ferociously at heeseung. “what the fuck are you doing here?”

heeseung slowly backs away. “s-sorry.” he raises both his hands, feeling regret and horror trickle inside of him. isn’t taehyun dating his cousin, minjeong? aren’t they both your friends? didn’t you and taehyun have a… thing? his brain hurts.

he continually backs away, before taehyun lunges toward him and yanks him in the bedroom.

“let’s have a little talk, you dweeb.”

“you’re hot. can i have your number?”

“look at me. does it look like i want to give you my number?” you stare at him, boring holes into his eyes until he’s uncomfortable and leaves. you’re not normally this mean when boys try to hit on you, but frankly you’ve had enough of this night.

after your fight with ryujin, you’d driven to a nearby convenience store to grab some snacks for heeseung.

you’d figured he’d be peckish after all that drinking. but now that you’ve returned to the party and the boy is nowhere to be seen (and neither is lia, by the way), you’ve come to a solution that’s driving you crazy.

they’re probably off making out somewhere.

upset, you hold your own pity party in the kitchen by making yourself some iced cola. man, the vodka bottle is looking awfully tempting, but once again you choose to honor your self-development.

however, as two hours pass, you find yourself more and more concerned that heeseung is not off doing what you think he’s doing. you verify this with lia, who states she hasn’t seen him for a while now. the growing concern eventually ruptures inside you and you drop everything to search for heeseung.

“heeseung?” you call as you shove your way through the house. “heeseung?”

you attempt to dial his number but your calls don’t go through. he never turns his phone off.

fuck.

“heeseung!” you shout as you meticulously scavenge the back and front yard. you become increasingly anxious that you’ve lost the boy — drunk and alone and with people you definitely don’t trust to take care of him. eventually, the time comes for when you decide to search the second storey, though your doubts are high.

when you’re at the foot of the stairs, your heart is hammering inside your chest. is he okay? it’s your one genuine concern, and it makes you furious at yourself for letting your jealousy get ahold of you. why the hell did you leave the party?

this is all your fault.

if anything happens to your boy, it will be all your fault.

climbing the stairs, you notice something odd. where the hell is your cup from before? there’s nobody here you know that would do any sort of cleaning, unless—

you sprint up the stairs and begin slamming open every door you see.

“heeseung?” you continuously echo into every room, finding silence on the receiving end. it’s almost unnerving, because if he’s not here then he’s not anywhere. it makes tears well in your eyes thinking about where he could be or if he’s feeling lost and scared.

that’s when you take notice of the remaining door at the end of the hallway.

“h-heeseung?” you approach the door, opening it.

the room is pitch dark, and at this time of night, the windows offer no shed of light. you see nobody on the bed, and though you almost close the door and leave, you halt at the sound of a soft whimper.

you freeze.

heeseung?

the room falls silent again, so you open the door a little wider. the light from your side now pours inside and you finally make out a figure sitting on the floor.

it’s slumped against the side of the bed, curled up and hugging its legs.

your heart falls into the pit of your stomach.

it’s heeseung.

and he’s crying.

“heeseung? oh my god.” you rush over toward him and fall to your knees, cupping his face in your hands as your chest swells with worry and distress. “are you okay? what happened? what’s wrong?”

your eyes dart everywhere across his features, taking in everything about his expression — his blood-shot eyes, the pink across the tip of his nose and his cheeks, and his tears streaming down his cheeks and now onto your fingers.

heeseung retracts from your touch and hiccups, dropping his face on his knees. at the cursory glance you’d made, you can tell he’s clearly intoxicated. he looks really unwell, but this is certainly not the result of just alcohol — he’s obviously upset about something.

“i-it’s me,” you attempt to placate him, placing a hand on his shoulder to rub his back before he flinches away from you.

“leave me alone.” he chokes out, his soft whisper jagged and broken. you stare in stunned silence, taken aback by his reaction. your head feels like it’s spinning.

“wh-what happened?” you question, mind racing as you attempt to fill in the blanks yourself. did someone hurt him? did someone say something to him? did—

your expression instantly darkens when you recall what had happened earlier. you’d hate to be right. you pray and pray and pray that this is a shot in the dark and your assumption is far too many steps ahead than reality.

“was it�� ryujin?” you whisper, feeling your entire body tense.

at the sound of her name, you see him stiffen.

and it’s enough of an answer for you.

you feel fury thrash inside of you and compound in your core. your hands are shaky when you reach out to touch him but he instantly jerks away from you.

“she said something to you?” you whisper, shattered by this realisation.

he pauses before slowly nodding his head.

“just her?”

he shakes his head.

taehyun, that fucking rat bastard.

“i’ll fucking kill them.” you growl, standing up instantly. you’re livid. you can’t even begin to imagine what they’ve done to your boy, but you’re certain you won’t spare mercy. “i’m beat the shit out of them.” you rush to leave, but heeseung grabs your hand before you can go anywhere.

“you can have your puzzle back.” your little sun says. “i don’t want it anymore.”

to be continued.

*taglist is open, just comment or send an ask :>

a/n: hahahahahaha im sorry IM SORRY it was gna happen sooner or later but anyways i am once again BEGGING for ur forgiveness for such a late update; since the next chapter is the FINAL chapter, i will try my best ot be rlly quick. within the next 2 weeks hopefully? 3? anyway idek how i feel abt this final product or w/e but ya girl is ~tired~ and she's very excited to finish this series <33 thank you guys SOSOSOSO MUCH for all the love across the few months it took me to write this. can’t believe we have one more chapter left :< triage & triage!hee have a special place in my heart hehe, so thanks for being a part of this journey <333 anyway pls do support me via liking + reblogging if u can !! :>

#U R MY FAVE????? 😭😭😭😭😭😭#IM CRYINGGGG THE WAY IVE JSUT READ THIS LIKE 83749583 TIMES IM NOT EVEB JOKING #ALSO SORRY FOR ALL THE TYPOS #HOW DO U EVEN REAS THIS DJDJDJDKS

595 notes · View notes