#ITS 4AM IDC IM POSTING IT NOW !!!

[feltcreature]

the king of the world !!!!!!!!! 👑

happy 10th anniversary to one of my favourite shows of all time….. it is so special to me :o) 🎉

[farewell-in-veil]

[clawing at the walls of my enclosure] I AM FERAL

[deadtower]

why are some people so determined to be miserable. like i sent six or seven of my coworkers whose phone numbers i have the schedule for next week because it came out early (it’s usually not out til sunday but it came out tonight) so they can make plans for next week re: shift trading and so on and so forth

one of the coworkers i sent it to apparently got fired tonight and i had no idea

she texts me back “wow - ur real subtle! to think that i liked u and had such nice things to say about u. then out of the blue (when u have NEVER texted me before) u send me a pic of a schedule at 4am - that i didnt ask for btw - and then say ‘ur not on it’? hmmm ... why would u be so mean? lmao. have u ever sent me the schedule before? um - no. so why would you pick 4am to send me the schedule and say ‘wait ur not on it’? again - thx for being so mean! ive never done anything so mean 2 u - ive always had ur back when people talked! u wouldnt know that tho - but thats cool. u of all people i would never expect 2 kick sumone when theyre down”

like i guarantee you no one’s ‘talked’ about me bc like everyone at this job likes me bc i actually do my job and get along with people, and everyone hates this coworker bc shes miserable, plus i HAVE texted her before (to trade/pick up shifts) so that’s debunked and as i said before i legit just texted her the sched bc IT CAME OUT EARLY. it’s never come out this early before and i was trying to be nice

and i said “no? what happened” when she asked if i knew what had happened to her tonight and thats when i said “o shit youre not on it” bc i took a second look at the schedule (and like she KNOWS she’s not on it so idk why she’s harping on about THAT of all things as if she was the one who didn’t know she wasn’t on it)

like legit some people are determined to be miserable, i already said several times it was a fucking accident and apologized and explained the situation. jesus. shut up and let it go

[lgbtvegas]

ignore this pls. just need a place to get my feelings out.

mental health tw, suicide tw, suicidal thoughts tw, self harm thoughts and tendencies tw

its sad that i dont even know what to type. im just going fucking insane. i haven't felt this crazy since I tried to kill myself when I was fucking 15. like i feel like a fucking nutjob right now and it won't stop. i have no one to talk to, even if my "friends" say they are there for me, I know they tired of my bs. the last time I tried talking to my friend she fucking left me on read cause shes so tired of my bullshit. i'm so fucking tired of my bullshit. i can never get out of my goddamn head. and everyone thinks im fucking okay cause I act like the fucking class clown at work and make everyone laugh. when I want to just kill myself atp. i havent self harmed myself since I was 15 either but some people disagree on this fact. I have a problem with digging holes in my skin and my therapist definitely thinks its that or an anxiety tick. I only get one day off of work a week and my therapist was all booked up for that day two weeks ago so I havent seen her. cause its like my responsibility to actually make an appointment but like me trying to help myself??? lmao. nice one. basically all this shit was triggered by my fucking hypochondriac tendencies. i had a uti like 2 weeks ago and I don't think the antibiotics they put me on got rid of it completely so I went back and got another urine test done which of course, like I expected came up positive but it also said I had ketones in my urine which of course, having access to a cellphone with a data plan, i immediately googled what that meant. now im like 1000000% positive I have diabetes, even though the doctor said its unlikely. I made an appointment to get my blood drawn to find out for sure but as I previously said, I only get one fucking day off and now I have to sit and wait till next fucking Thursday to find out if I have it or not. I don't know how I'm gonna make it that long. Im already going so fucking crazy I don't know what to do. the doctors office said they won't take blood without an office visit first (money hungry much??) so I can't just go in and ask to get my blood done. And I can't go to the hospital because I don't even know what I'd say to go there and have my blood drawn. nothing really makes me smile anymore. what am I gonna do if i do have it??? what am i gonna do if i don't???? i need answers to my fucking questions and no one will give me any. im fucking nauseous, im shaking, i just wanna sleep 24/7 so i don't have to fucking deal with this anymore. Since i was off today, I slept the whole day. I would wake up for a couple minutes, realize that I did not fucking want to be awake and I went back to sleep. Eventually I was waking up every like 30 minutes cause I wasn't tired but idc, i wanted to be asleep. and now I have to go to work at 4AM and be the happy cheerful person I'm supposed to be so that everyone has a good day. Since I'm the boss, I can't be fucking sad or depressed. I'm so sick and tired of being crazy. Like im fucking exhausted from all this shit. Everything, everyday is becoming so much and I don't know how to handle it anymore. I'm on the highest dose of my antidepressants and an extra anxiety med, and Im like still like this???? why is my brain a piece of shit????? why am I a piece of shit??? like i derive all my happiness from other things and those things end and idk what to do. like BTS going on hiatus???? lol kms. Stray Kids are in America rn and I can't afford to go cause life??? I'm teaching myself a bunch of different languages and It's literally so pointless cause I have no friends and no one to talk to so like who am I speaking to in Korean??? myself. One part of my brain speaks Korean or whatever language and I respond in English. Our conversations are truly riveting. I would put the eyeroll emoji here but its only in my recently used on my phone and I'm posting this on my laptop and I'm too fucking lazy to go and find it. KinnPorsche ends in like a week and a day???? fuck bro. The only thing I have is Doctor Who. That show is my rock. Anyway this is just dumb.

[venting-on-end]

I'm not new here, just haven't been on this in forever. I use to be a Harry Styles blog and probably still kinda will be but I'm just post whatever I feel like now and it’ll probably still be a lot of Harry but a lot of other things as well. Ill also be venting a lot about my life on here cause I need to write and idc if no one listens I just need an outlet. That being said, IM GONNA VENT!!

Ive been single now for about 6 months and its been one hell of a ride haha. But its also been really lonely. Ive lost a lot of friends and I'm kinda just by myself most of the time now. I lost some friends because they don't like the truth and ive lost friends because I'm an asshole. Either way I think its for the best. Its funny cause their still around and we speak randomly but its very calculated and short conversations, which I'm okay with because the less they know about my life the better. 

I was also diagnosed with PCOS at the beginning of the year and that's been a disaster. I hadn't gotten my period in months so I finally decided to go in and see why and that's what they told me, I was put on metformin to start my periods and hopefully regulate it, which it did but then I started getting it and having it all month so I quit taking it and had gone again like 4 months without a period and finally just got it on my own like 2 weeks ago. PCOS also causes hair growth, which I have on my chin. Ive seen some girls that have like almost a full 5oclock shadow but mine is just a couple little hairs randomly on my chin. I'm a little nervous as too if the shadow is gonna happen to me as well. It also causes being overweight and diabieties and heart disease. Its nice knowing I'm getting a little bigger because of something I cant really control and not because of something I'm doing wrong but at the same time its still not fun to be gaining weight. Ive looked into what to do about losing it but it seems like I would only be able to eat kale and water, you have to literally cut EVERYTHING out of your diet, no sugar, no pop, no foods high in fat, no gluten. Its insane. And I know pretty much majority of the world doesn't eat gluten anymore but ive never had a problem with it so I don't plan on not eating it.

Living in North Dakota is one of the worst and best places to live. Its small town living with all the small town drama. I would love to move away to a state that's bigger and “ better” but I know I would hate it and my anxiety would be through the roof! Its already terrible living here. Plus id never be able to leave my family, especially my dad and nephew. My entire family is from here and all my friends, I think id be able to leave for awhile but I would come right back, Its a comfort thing I think at this point. I'm to comfortable to leave which is a curse but a good thing. 

Ive been speaking with my ex lately. We broke up awhile ago and just recently started talking again after a pretty gnarly breakup. He moved to florida after we broke up, trying to get as far away from me as possible. We were together for about 5 years on and off, I wasn't a good girlfriend but I was loyal. He wasn't a good boyfriend and he wasn't loyal. He’ll never in his life admit it even though he knows I know. He was a drinker, as am I. The only difference is, is that I don't need it when I wake up and all day. I drink maybe once a week now, back then I drank a lot. We would drink together and shit would get way to out of control. I fucking hated him. He hated me, we would fight, terrible fights and then make up the next day like it was no problem. He ended up going to impatient treatment in MN and was gone for about 3 months and then came back and was sober I stayed sober as well for awhile. He finally told me one night that it was okay with him that I went and had a beer with my dad and I did. It was all down hill from there. We ended up just not working out and he left and I became single and I definitely lived single. I was hoe’in it up and then I realized I was little out of control with it and decided to chill out. I ended up moving out of my apartment and moved back into my parents. Ask me how excited I am being 26 and living at home. EXCITED BITCH! I love living with my parents, not because its easy living because its not. I still have bills and I still pay rent. But I'm not ashamed that I live there cause its my family and they are all I really have. 

I think ive done enough venting for me for the evening. Its time for me to sit up for the next 6 hours till I finally fall asleep around 4am. Did I mention insomnia is DOPE!

Thanks for listening or not listening to me vent. 

[bloomette]

(Long post sorry )

Yesterday was Europa Park trip with catia and elodie!

The fact that we had to wake up at 4am was sincerely terrible but it was for the good cause.

The car trip was AWFUL. There were 20 "kids" (aka 16 years old young) in front of us and I SWEAR I thought teenagers were a lil bit smarter than this. 1st drinking wine at 6 am "because its so cool to do what you want LOOOOOL" and then beers at 7am. That would be okay if the driver didnt move me next to one of the loudest guy of the bus (we were only 3 so...uneven number). And they were screaming, laughing and doing stupid things. The driver had to tell them 4 times to stop and be quiet and had to stop the car and come scream at them.

The thing that shocked me was those guys...I mean...I myself swear a lot but those young....wow (and im also used to vulgar stuff even if I hate it) "je m'en bat les couilles espèce de trou du cul j'ai attrapé la techa à la meuf " or "elle où machine ? elle est là mec /montre son entre jambe genre elle fait un bj/ *les 20 rigolent/

/me shocked to hell and wanting to die/ it was truely long 4h.

But YEY EUROPA PARK

We were so excited and did many attractions (the 1st one our poor hearts were like "wtf are you doiiiiiiiing" then we were used. We tried some haunted house and like i predicted i was terrified and saying "putain" the whole time 😂😂😂 actors were really good at scaring us.

We waited LOOONG time in those queue because it was really crowded. And thats where we discovered that teenagers boys were in fact ALL stupid (not only our car as we thought), we saw a lot in the queue and yeah....singing "les avions dans le ciel volent volent et avec les femmes la queue monte monte monte HAHAHAHA (boy laugh really annoying). And idc if they sing that in private but we were thousands waiting and many kids and they were all singing so loudly and idk. Them some others went in a corner and was pretending hugging, kissing and fucking someone there (?????? I swear). Now I understand why 20-30 y.o are lil bit stupid...because BEFORE 20 they are VERY stupid like I couldnt imagine (so basically any "lil bit"stupid 25 y.o has clearly a lot of évolution...but still cant excuse that).

We ate a pizza and then went to the blue fire and this....was the most horrible decision ever

First we got separated. And i reaaaaaally love that attraction but my poor stomach was like "i didnt even digest you are so dumb" and we were suffering at the end. But still 10/10! !

The queue to the "wood attraction" killed us it was 1h30 of waiting. But it was perfect. Finishing by some quiet stuff

Poor guy lost his glasses in the water (!!!!!) and his 2 y.o son was enjoying the ride and the father looked at us and said "fuuuuuck" ;;;;.

Anyway finishing with a choco Apple and a lil Euro Sat (myfavorite honestly) and then it was time to go to the car (SO TIRED and body aching). The group was calm (thankfully) and i was next to my friend and we talked during the 4h (languages, family, guys emotions, recipes, past). At 22.50pm finally we arrived SO TIIIIIRED. My friend drive me back home and i fainted asleep at 0.15am 😂

Perfect day! !!!!! We will do it soon again (and we will try to win a plushie (remind me of P in 2014 there wanting him to win a plushie for me and I was like no ????? /this is SO korean btw/)