#IT JUST FEELSWEIRD ????? WHY

[singeryuri]

Augh.. Having a crush from live-action media feels so awkward like damn. There's a real person who. Looks like that. And uhhh I'm not too into the whole celebrity crush type of stuff like I've always been more attracted to like,, drawings. Like, video game, animanga, book, etc characters who just. Are drawn. Not played by a real person. And now I feel awkward. Help???

[drennalynspast]

[ i want to be anarchy ]

Friday, Feb. 29, 2008

it's been a while since i last made a journal entry.  but here i am, typing a laem entry using the library computer.</p><p> every now and then i suppose i feel down. to combat that feeling, i would just do activities to get my mind off things.  oh hay, this is my first entry for spring 2008.  so much for my new year's resolution - which was to write a list of things to do and try to accomplish tasks on that list...  but i do write things on a list every now and then to remind myself  (or ignore) what is due/what things i need to get done.

apathy again has become the worst in me.  i feel like fall 2008, i drew towards the 'ignorance is bliss' route and would not be upset by things as much.  it's not like i had an optimistic mind, but rather i felt like i was unhurt and would make no attempts to make things better.  i did accomplish some things...i guess.

such things would be that i joined some organizations and tried to be active in them whenever i could. (asian student association, KE, sw-pha, chemistry club).  ke requires a lot of dedication.  those pharmacy and pre-pharm girls.  i feel distant  (and inferior)</font> from them because i am still pre-pharm.  but they are okay.  i feel awkward at the girlyness but whateva.  girlll powwwer!!!?? i still feel disconnected from society somehow.  i wish i had a partner in crime.  y'know- a best friend at swosu who is inseparable from the other...but i don't. my previous roomate still acknowledges me.  i'm glad that i can see her in ke etc.

owait.  why the hell am i making an entry?  obviously there must have been some event that incited me to talking about some shit.  ohyes, that would be that i literally failed my organic 2 test.   (massive failure above all fails.)</font>  i should cry, but i am not.  i didn't study for that test really. i'm disappointed in this...apathy and lack of motivation. i still have difficulty searching for shit. i -know- i am not going to get accepted in pharm school for fall 2008.  overall, my lack of motivation is hindering my progression towards a future career. i feel tempted to presume negative domino effects that can occur from a singular occurrence - however this self esteem book is angry and it tells me that i should refrain from such thoughts. :/

anyway, i hate that feeling - emptiness, heavy, sluggishness, wandering the campus with blank eyes. i worked out today  (it has been ages).  it did ease some of that heavy emotional pain. i'm not really what i have become. wow, is this a never ending cycle of apathy and guilt? i don't know if i have improved or just become stagnant..or become some degenerative mass of filth. it dawned upon me that i perhaps should speak with my counselor again. at least..just get vent to someone. yeep oh and reminisce on the days of my emo lamenting.

sometimes...i think about weird stuff.  things that no one would prolly suspect i would think of.  i feel like a devil underneath this skin.  somehow, i don't give a damn and am not ashamed really. i wish... i wish i could be bad.  i wish i could get laid and fuck around with a lot of guys. i wish i could experiment with drugs and drink alcohol to the point where i am trashed. i wish i could speak vulgar words to people.  i want to cuss, scream at them and make crude remarks. i wish i could get a sledgehammer and smash objects that are precious to people. i want them to be repelled by me.  i want to tell people to -get the fuck out-.  i just want them to know that i am not nice, and i don't take shit from anyone.

of course of course i am not going to be like that.  i don't want to fuck my body up as well as sever any connections with people. i wish there were such people who existed who are trashed good people.  but there seems to be only trashy trash.  i dunno.  i'm sometimes sick of putting this goodygoody facade shit. and i want to do new and daring stuff.  but i don't want to be too trashed where i am going to totally screw myself over.  i just feel like being in between. -_-. i'm tired of this mundane boring repetitive life. and suddenly lrics from the song "anarchy in the u.k" by the sex pistols comes to my mind.

death - sometimes i think about dying.  maybe other people think about this too?  not like the suicide kind of thing where i plan scenarios where i am going to kill myself - hell no.  o_o....but i think of scenarios where death could happen to me.  liike a car hitting me or someone pushing me off a tall building.  i sometimes wish i were dead.  more like..i guess i don't care if i die.  it will just relieve me. i don't fear death.  (though the dying process will be rather unpleasant i imagine). </font> i'm not going to be this weak bitch who is going to attempt any suicide.  that is probably the lowest thing anyone could do. if you are not dead, perhaps it is a sign that god wants us to continue on with our life.  painfully live on...but maybe there are good things to come in the future. i don't have the guts to kill myself anyway.

my roomate is okay.  like i said in the previous journal entry, we have been getting along okay.  wow - i actually stuck with one roomate for an entire year.  though i'll have to find another random roomate next semester >.<.  sometimes i get irked though.  it's the kind of unnecessary kind of irk.  she seems to be a mommy's girl.  i know i sound derrogative...but *feelsweird*

honestly honestly i admit.  i feel all weird and shit whenever people discuss about their happy and clingy family relationships.  perhaps it is this pent up anger and jealousy that i have within myself.  that is - i don't have the same connection with my relatives as they do.  whenever i hear them talk about their life, i think of it as something disturbing and sappy.  also with the roommate thing, she seems originally secluded like i am.  but i notice that she has been going out with her friends more.  and some of that makes me jealous.  i have this perception that she is starting to think lowly of me because i don't go to church even though i am catholic, i support pornography, and i seem unphased by my academic performance and not being hardcore on the pcat thing. no, i don't hate her.  i just wish i could find my niche as well.

i haven't been going to church at all in weatherford this year.  ohhorror.  my mom called me the other day and said i should go to confession since easter is coming up.  i wonder if she knows i haven't been going to church.  somehow, i feel like it is a necessity for me to go to confession.  i don't want to make it seem like a religious obligation.  (personally, i don't want to attend church because other people go and that god is 'forcing' me to go.)  rather, i feel like i just need to discuss my poor thoughts and behavior to the priest as an attempt to feel closer to god  (and 'cleanse' my horrid sins) </another emo angst entry><br>