#IM TOO TIRED TO BE CREATIVE OKAY ILL THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE LATER-

[kimyrnova]

Nagi’s Other form

*The Other was horrific and huge. It had three heads. The middle head had huge hands coming from above it. The head itself had huge eyes, with black sclera and pupils, plus red irises. It had extra sets of teeth. It was also bald, save for the creepy flowers which grew on it’s head.*

*The left head had long white hair. The left head was actually two faces merged, it had a creepy smile and the eyes merged too at the seam of the faces. There was extra eyes too. It had blood tipped hands.*

*The right one had extremely long black hair. It had blood tipped hands as well. The creepy thing is that it had two extra hands—one big, one small—emerge from it’s mouth.*

*The Other’s lower body wasn’t there, it had melted into a black slime.*

so yeah I made an Other form for Nagi but it may or may not be the creature from Artificial Insanity by Nekonomicon with extra stuff cause I’m lazy and can’t be creative rn-

and plot twist, it’s not an Other, it’s a Hellmutant AND THAT DOES’NT EVEN EXIST IN SCARLET NEXUS CANON

anyways here the Artificial ghoul(that’s it’s new name) from the Nekonomicon song ‘Artifical Insanity’

It’s freaky and I love it

Here’s the song

[elysianslove]

ay yo? lmao haiiiii any chance we can get some haikyuu boys and nicknames they'd call their s/o? a lil deprived of kageyama, so if possible can you pls include him?? i hope you're doing well :)

omg wait i remember seeing this in my inbox and planning on answering it but i ,,, i forgot :( im sorry :( but here it is lovely <3 

HAIKYUU BOYS AND NICKNAMES 

ANGEL ! — 

akaashi; out of all his nicknames for you, this is his favorite!! he just thinks it’s very fitting for you, because you’re nothing short of ethereal for him. loves to say it when he’s first greeting you or as he kisses you gn or!!! when he says thank you :) 

osamu; it slips sometimes with him!! not his go-to but it’s very familiar on his tongue when it comes to you, and that’s very endearing :,) just slips casually when he’s asking you a question like, “angel, do we need milk?”  

daichi; omg he usually adds to it and it ends up being some cheesy stuff like “angel-face” and it makes you all flustered because wtf man :( and he always says it while laughing teasingly too ugh :( 

suna; suna has the cheesiest nicknames for you and you cannot convince me otherwise, and you can never tell if it’s genuine or ironic but,,, it doesn’t matter. he sounds so sweet calling you “angel” so whatever :) 

aran; this man. this man. he says it cause he knows it has you weak. he says it so lovingly, so sweetly, so casually, so suave and relaxed and his voice is so smooth and deep. who wouldn’t be swooning over him??? 

aone; AONE AONE PLS AONE PLEASE. he’d just think it’s such a sweet and kind and soft nickname and he likes the way it sounds when it’s whispered and he thinks nothing is more perfect than nicknaming you angel and he says it all the time like “ok, angel,” and “see you tomorrow, angel,” and, “love you, angel,” and it’s so quiet but so sweet hwbwjsjd 

oikawa; he’s about to be in 90% of these cause he’ll be calling you anything but your name. is it because he wants to be annoying and to get on your nerves? or is it because he genuinely means it? the world will never know. you’re not even sure he himself does. 

DOLL ! — 

matsukawa; are you kidding me this is his. it’s HIS. he sounds so hot saying it and he looks so hot saying it and he’s so charming and it’s so like easy on his tongue. and he has a slight drawl to it too and he always says it with this aura of relaxation and ease it’s so hot. he just. he loves it. he loves you. you love it. the world is a better place. 

atsumu; he thinks he’s way cooler than he is when he says it. you suppose he is pretty hot when he calls you doll but you’re not gonna tell him that!!! it’s not his go-to but you can catch it slipping off his tongue every once in a while. 

kuroo; yesyesyes he loves it. only ever says it when he’s so up close and personal with you like cups your cheeks and hovers his lips against yours like, “heya, doll,” and he’s just so handsome. ugh. 

kageyama; at the start of your relationship, kageyama called you by your name and nothing else!! but then he had like this talk w someone and they asked him what he calls you and he realized like,,, am i supposed to be doing it differently??? spent so long just searching up “cute nicknames for my s/o” and then he found “doll” and was like ok. i’ll try. and he tried!! and it stuck!! plus timeskip kags calling you doll??? that’s so hot bye

oikawa; this might be the only sincere nickname he has for you cause everything else is either to provoke you or to be cringy and annoying. and i’m sure you prefer doll over sweet cheeks and pumpkin pie and cinnamon whatever like you hungry tōru?? anyways he loves loves loves calling you doll cause he thinks it’s such a ? smooth and serene nickname? and his voice always gets deeper and quiet when he says it so!!!! 

SUNSHINE ! — 

hinata; please he is all the sunshine, but he always claims that you’re the true sun in his life. idk hinata would be so lame yet so cute like that :( and he always says it with such a big grin he’s so cute pls :( 

tendō; he’s so cute he’s so cute he’s so cute !!!!! your contact name is “my sunshine” definitely definitely definitely. he is literally in love with you and wants the whole world to know it. he loves screaming it out for everyone to hear but also absolutely adores like hugging you from behind and whispering in your ear as he kisses your cheek, “hey, sunshine.” :(((((

kenma; kenma doesn’t wanna think too hard on the whole nicknames thing but he also does kind of sort of really wants to call you something special and the first thing that pops in his head is sunshine. first time he used it you were Shocked but he was acting nonchalant about it (read: freaking out on the inside) and you were like “ok guess im sunshine now.” and you are his sunshine to this day. 

BABY/BABE ! — 

atsumu; it’s easy and it’s endearing!! he personally loves being called babe but he loves hugging you close to him after a long day and just sighing, “hey, baby,” like. he loves it okay. he thinks it’s perfect cause it fits and cause it’s like kinda traditional yk!! 

bokuto; he loves calling you baby cause he just cannot fathom that you’re his like he loves to always say it!!! and he loves how casual it is too like he can just call you that?? that’s so cool?? 

iwaizumi; again with the traditional but endearing and fitting. he doesn’t have to think too hard on it, but also it still means something and is more than just your name or a shorter version of it. also he sounds so hot calling you baby or babe idk i just know it. 

hanamaki; king of “babe! babe :( babeeee! babee. babe come on! babe! baby :(” you’re 99% sure he’s just provoking you at this point. like say babe one more time. but he actually loves resorting to baby, especially when you’re upset and he wants to be as endearing and kind as he can to you. 

daichi; very traditional too tbh. honestly when you two first started dating it was all he could think of saying without feeling awkward or feeling like he was trying too hard. later on when he started to feel more comfortable and more secure he got more creative. 

nishinoya; he has been waiting for this moment his whole life. the moment he can actually call someone his baby or babe. it’s his favorite and possibly only nickname (aside calling you pretty or gorgeous or handsome) and it will always be. 

MY LOVE ! —

akaashi; definitely definitely definitely calls you “my love” like i am 100% sure of this. akaashi is just so. he’s just so romantic but it’s also so unintentional? he says it because it feels natural and it feels right like you are his love after all, aren’t you? 

sakusa; he’s not one for elaborate nicknames honestly, and he feels like “my love” is the right balance of sweet, kind, fitting, and subtle and serene. it’s not doing too much but it’s also doing more than enough yk? also people that look like they would wear a trench coat/blazer and a turtleneck beneath also look like they would use the term “my love” hence sakusa and akaashi. 

tendō; i am telling you guys he is a simp. the loveliest simp ever. he says it so sweetly too like it genuinely makes your tummy twist and heart backflip when you hear him say it cause you can hear how genuine he is in his words oh my god. 

kita; he just !!! he is just husband material okay!!! he is so endearing and he says it in the softest most genuine voice ever and it’s literally his go to because yes you are his love you’re his entire world!!! he loves you!! he wants you to know it every time he calls out to you!! 

BUNNY/PUPPY ! —

bokuto; ARE YOU KIDDING ME. HE LOVES IT. he. loves it. he just finds it so cute and like. he loves the way he associates it with you now. prefers puppy over bunny but like. he loves both. he adores both. 

matsukawa; calls you bunny all the time. not more than doll, but it’s definitely so common. he won’t use it around others not because it’s embarrassing but more because he kinda wants it to be just a thing between the two of you, honestly. 

kenma; IT SLIPPED ONCE AND HE WAS LIKE. A DEER CAUGHT IN THE HEADLIGHTS. he calls you bunny!! sometimes, not always. when he wants something from you mostly. “pass me the water.” “no.” “bunny please :(” it works like magic every time. 

oikawa; oh my god can you imagine??? he loves it so much because one, he thinks it’s such a cute nickname props to whoever decided let’s use pets as literal pet names, but also two, he thinks nothing describes you or fits you better. you are just his bunny :( his puppy :( he loves you :( 

kageyama; timeskip kageyama calls you puppy. i have nothing more to say.

hinata; timeskip hinata calls you puppy. again, i shall say no more. 

suna; hello !!! he loves to call you bunny and/or puppy. the feel of satisfaction he gets when he calls you that like ,,, he feels like you’re properly his yk? yk.

KITTEN ! — 

kuroo; this one is for him and only him. 

LOVELY ! — (maybe sweetheart too) 

osamu; is there anything more beautiful than a tired osamu snuggling up to yoi and with a deep gravely voice saying, “missed you, lovely,” ? no there is not. it’s his favorite nickname for you, and he uses it all the time!! kisses your forehead as he leaves and tells you, “have a good day, lovely,” and comes back home and says, “hiya, lovely,” and tilts his head when you wanna talk to him about something like, “what’s up lovely?” cause you are his lovely, you’re his loveliest. 

sugawara; i have no other explanation other than i can picture it perfectly. he thinks it’s the best choice of a pet name he’s ever chosen and thought of. and he loves the smile on your face whenever he says it, he thinks it’s the sweetest thing ever <3 

BAE ! —

hanamaki; is it a joke? is it not? both. 

okay im sure i missed so many boys but i can’t think of any rn bc it’s like. hella late :( but i wanted to put something out for you guys!! point is, if i didnt mention a boy and you want to know, send me an ask!! and if i didn’t mention a nickname and you want to know that too? send me an ask well!! ill be happy to answer it <3 

love u all mwah <3 

[tigerdrop]

in lieu of doing more strenuous hand-based activities heres the Dogboy Gordon In Heat Megamix ive been talking about. i wrote this over the course of a couple months in an effort to feel okay about writing horny shit again and i only just realized there are nearly 6 thousand words here. and they only really fuck for like 10% of that

ta-dah

ive thought a lot about gordon being stuck back at gordonhouse after getting kicked out of barneyhouse. i think its ripe for a lot of pining. (and yes, he is pining over the guy hes actively banging. hes being a big mopey idiot over the fact that he doesnt get to have his fuckbuddy around 24/7.) absence makes the heart grow fonder or whatever and gordons already at a baseline of "wheres benrey. wheres benrey"......and now i am about to turn it up to 11

so lets say......gordons starting to feel weirdly under the weather. sweaty and irritable and tired. hes holing himself up in his room a lot, wrapping himself up in blankets to fight off a chill and a sniffliness that wont go away. and hes gettin awfully moody, too. real fuckin testy. starting shit with freemind for no reason and snapping at og gordon like hes a teenager. and......hes nesting, almost, or at least, gathering up a whole bunch of blankets and pillows and anything that smells vaguely like benrey. (hes not really aware hes doing this last thing.)

basically, long story short, feetman is fucked up. hes pathetic. hes being a huge bitch. at least og gordon feels vaguely sorry for him, and expresses this by way of observing him and trying to treat it. for science. its better than freemind, who just loudly complains about him being a huge bitch and reeking up the place. theres something weird coming from vr gordons corner of the house.....a musky, heady, hormonal kind of thing that makes freemind act simultaneously territorial and irritable and more lascivious than normal. and that also piques og gordons attention, because having both of them be wound up little freaks at the same time is enough to make even the most resilient person pull their hair out

now gordon primes got his suspicions as to whats going on, but hes not gonna tell vr gordon that he suspects hes going into heat. that would compromise the experiment, and all that. so poor gordons just going thru all this shit not knowing what in the fuck is wrong with him and getting more worked up and irritable about it by the day. hes convinced that hes just got the flu, or something......except, uh, haha, jesus christ he is horny all the FUCKING TIME

he doesnt get it! he feels like shit all the time, so why is he constantly fighting off boners and having weird wet dreams and thinking about-- well. his fucking boyfriend, he guesses. (are they boyfriends?? he doesnt know. he gets a weird, sharp pang when he thinks about them not being boyfriends, at this point, but its not like theyve ever talked about it!) gordons half-convinced that hes just losing his mind from being stuck inside all the time and he really just wants to see benrey again. its, like, all he thinks about. (see? hes losing it. theres the proof.)

the sucks thing for everybody else is that gordon is also Extremely Vocal about how shitty he feels and how much he wishes he didnt feel shitty so he could go see benrey and how much he cant stand benrey for not being able to read his mind and come over when he feels bad. eventually freemind gets so sick of his shit that he decides to cut out the middleman and get benrey involved directly. "come take care of your fucking dog before i call the aspca! animal neglect is a crime, asshole!"

(if pressed, freemind would adamantly reject the idea that hes being nice to gordon. but on some level, hes kinda sympathetic. the guys clearly miserable, and he just keeps asking for the same fucking thing. might as well humor him to shut him up.)

vr gordon is completely unaware of these machinations, however. hes just holed up in his room trying to work out what makes him feel better because, uhh, powerade isnt helping

jacking off doesnt do a whole lot for him anymore. like, it feels good, but its not very satisfying. gordon just ends up feeling more restless than anything afterward. and hes always stupid horny. more blankets. a box fan. less blankets. sleeping with one of benreys shirts pressed up to his face. grinding into his pillow when he wakes up hard from yet another weird dream. theyre all a little helpful, and he feels like hes working towards the right thing, somehow, but its never really enough to take the edge off

and then.....he tries......jerking off more. especially when he realizes that its bizarrely soothing to do so while he can smell benrey up close and personal on that stupid shirt of his. better still when he rolls onto his side.....and then his stomach.......rocking his hips into the mattress until he gets the idea to lift his hips a little. and......oh. cool. something kind of......clicks. in his head. as he raises his hips higher while he keeps his arms wrapped around a pillow and benreys shirt jammed against his nose. hes got that lil moment of realization that this is good, actually. this feels like a good move. and its making some of that discomfort melt away

and gordon thinks about.....how it felt. earlier. when they were with barmey. and benrey had him just like this, ass up, face down, and was spreading him apart and licking him open and making him submit and he groans so fucking hard that embarassment just rips through him like lightning. but his tail starting to wag a little faster.....electricity shooting through his belly......and he cant help but wonder. what if benrey had kept going? pulled back and-- maybe, replaced his tongue with his fingers, one at a time, curling them inside him and telling him how well hes behaving and-- and his dick throbs, hard, and gordon realizes he wants fingers inside of himself right fucking now, thank you, hes not fully certain how to accomplish it be he is going to fucking try

(sigh) so my guy figures out about the old fingers in the ass trick. and i need you to understand that i am fully convinced that this is one of those guys who has an uproarious reaction to getting fingers in his ass. mr repressed and uptight over here doesnt really get what the big deal is until he gets braver and pushes a little deeper and hes rock hard in an instant, goodbye, just like everybodys favorite creative writing exercise

and this is what he decides to do for a solid day or two without leaving his room, because, honestly, this is awesome. and the longer he spends jerking off the less time he spends stressing about the fact that his imaginations getting really vivid, here. sure, like, hes no stranger to weird dreams even before this, but this is the first time hes really letting his mind run wild and this dude is nonstop thinking about being bred and gordon still has no fucking idea that hes in heat. doesnt even occur to him

unfortunately this also does not solve his problems but at least it feels baller and it keeps him occupied. also, unfortunately, the increased rate of jerking off is causing a serious uptick in Dog Smells, the effect of which is turning freemind into a nightmare. its just not good vibes in this house. enter: benrey

now i need you to understand that when these two meet up again i want gordon to get Emotional. think about how genuinely excited he gets to see some of his pals in canon. the like......excitement and disbelief when benrey shows up outside his window throwing rocks at it before noclipping in. he forgets to even act pissed off at first. i think it would be super fucking cute for him to drop the game for a moment just out of shock, basically. his tails waggin, his ears are perked up, and hed probably tackle benrey to the ground if he wasnt also a sweaty, trembling mess whos been holed up in his room for days.

and benrey has No Fucking Idea what he has walked in on here. as far as benrey knows, freemind just demanded he get over there and take care of his dog.

(INTERLUDE: here is the part where i gin up a freemind POV of this exact scene. b/c i am out of my fucking mind

so. i had the thought of a freemind POV chapter where hes spying on gordon and benrey.....because. gordons in heat. ive talked about that scenario before too (literally so many FUCKING times okay i just need this dude to have the uncontrollable urge to be bred like a little bitch! and for benrey to take pity on him and make him feel better by nutting in him literally as many times as is physically possible!!!)

but i wanna manifest it in this specific way: from an outside perspective. voyeurism is great and also i have a one track mind and basically the only time i traffic in Other Guys in this fandom anymore is as a participant in gordon and benreys horse shit. Im not apologizing for this

lets say.....vr gordons behavior has been getting worse and worse for "unknown reasons" and freeman prime just sees it as a key observational opportunity for his research. while freeminds getting really irritated at how much its cutting into his normal way of life. for one thing, vr gordons room reeks, and he cant even escape it in his own room! and its turning him into a feisty, aggressive, and loud son of a bitch. but he cant even resolve it in his usual fashion at this point (baiting vr gordon into another competition/fuckfest) b/c gordons being a little sadsack holed up in his room and doesnt wanna play

but also.....he kinda just feels bad for the guy at a certain point. hes clearly really miserable and looks downright ill and all hes asking for is to see his boytoy again. (gordons convinced that hes dying, and feels the need to dramatically speak to benrey one last time before he croaks.) so freemind decides, in all his benevolence, to go over gordon primes head and drag the guy over there anyway. (with machinations, not his literal bare hands. what is he, a caveman?) he reasons that itll be a good opportunity to twist gordons arm into groveling at his feet later

and he spies on the two of them in gordons room.....why? idk. possibly something to do with investigating this relationship between a gordon and a barney that he had yet to fully analyze. tl;dr he gets trapped in their closet for a remix of that one barmey voyeurism chapter b/c why the fuck not

i just.....i dont know.....i think theres something really charming about a 3rd party not being able to fully make out what theyre saying or doing but piecing things together anyway.....like benreys weirdly soft tone of voice when hes talking to a super agitated gordon. as far as any of them know, hes not really like that. he either sounds bored or smug, but either way, its usually straight-up antagonistic

it would make freemind bristle to hear it b/c its almost a mocking tone, but.....it makes gordons shoulders drop and gets him to let go of some of that tension and thats probably fascinating to watch. literally soothing him like a stressed out dog, huh. smoothing back his hair and murmuring things in a low, even tone that freeminds enhanced hearing still isnt good enough to make out. (the guy mumbles, okay? he needs a fucking toastmasters meetup.)

it would equal parts horrify and fascinate freemind, in my onion. watching a version of himself fall that hard into the loyal pet role.....its pathetic! for all that gordon goes on about not being a slave to his instinct or whatever, he sure is doing a bad job of acting like it! its like watching himself, but worse.

and benreys having to soothe him like a startled animal b/c he doesnt even know whats wrong with himself, but theres something thick enough on the air that even benrey can smell it, and hes taking some stabs at the dark. especially with how charged some of the shit gordons saying is......"i cant fucking take it anymore", "you smell so good", "i dont know whats wrong with me, man, my dick hasnt gone down for days and im pretty sure i need a doctor-- no, a real one, not the other gor-- NOT a vet, JESUS"

and the whole time.....freeminds peeking from behind a closet door. watching them devolve from outright hostility into "gordon climbing into benreys lap and shoving one of benreys hands up his shirt and demanding that he fucking touch him already"

normally i dont think freemind would be averse to a little bit of voyeurism, here. if it was anybody else, hed probably at least engage in a little heavy petting. but this is getting weird, man. he cant shake the uncanny feeling that this is something too intimate for him to be watching. for one thing, gordons whimpering like a goddamn dog just from a little necking, and for two, hes never really been the kind of guy to watch people make out for 15 minutes before they get to the good stuff

its just kind of unsettling how much these two clearly really, really like each other at this point. its not like watching gordon prime give vr gordon a handjob as part of a "test". freemind expected more of a hatefuck kind of deal out of these two, what with how often gordons normally going on about how much he hates the guy, what a pain in the ass benrey is, how he just wishes benrey would stop jerking him around.....etc. freemind could shit himself right now. that lying bitch!

i imagine its also kind of painful, on a personal level, for him to watch this borderline-sappy shit. he cant even fathom being on the receiving end of that behavior, let alone from......well. theyve all got their barneys, right? and gordon primes basically doomed himself to incel status b/c he wont nut up and do anything about it. freemind just assumed they were all in the same boat: cursed to casual sex with their roommates/clones, forever, and unable to achieve any kind of intimacy b/c all 3 gordons are fucked up in the exact same way. since theyre all just diff flavors of the same fucking guy, right?

well, theres the evidence that hes wrong. and that vr gordons better than him, somehow. thats gotta suck, bro

anyway then he watches vr gordon get railed in the ass a bunch and jerks off anyway b/c its still hot. see ya)

“take care of your dog”. huh. hes got no clue what that means but, yknow, he does kinda miss his dog. hasnt seen gordon in awhile. and he immediately comments "wow. you look fucked up" in as blunt and unsympathetic a way as possible. but gordons so far gone that he cant even work up a good anger about it. he is pretty fucked up, man. and benrey sits on the bed and slaps his forehead with a palm to take his temperature (and that gets gordon to bitch at him, finally, that thats not how you do it, asshole) and judges that, uh, he is hot. in his expert opinion

and thats when gordon kinda grabs his sleeve and tugs it and starts tryin to say something. hes really bad at it, because he is having to perform the mortifying task of Owning Up To It, but eventually he manages to grind out that he needs benrey to touch him, please. just pet him. something. he feels really bad and he just needs benrey to scratch his fucking ears. this is the most gordon can cop to in one go, and it is such a sad struggle to watch, but benreys caught off guard by it and he feels weirdly bad for gordon upon hearing it so  hes just like "whoa, okay" when gordon tugs his hand to his head

gordon groans the moment his fingernails start scratching behind the ears and digging into his scalp. even just that much feels really fucking good. its comforting, for one thing, and its benrey, for another, and the physical touch feels so fucking good right now that goosebumps are crawling down his neck. gordon cant help but lean against benrey and bury his head in the crook of his shoulder. he wants to hide his face from scrutiny and he wants to get closer but he doesnt know how to say what his fucking problem is

and benreys weirdly quiet. just kinda mumbling and shushing him intermittently, awkward and not sure what to do b/c this is a level of intimacy he was not expecting but gordons sure is responding nicely to a second hand in his hair

so having both of benreys hands scratching at his scalp is really getting to gordon. hes scritchin behind the ears and gordons tails wagging at a mile a minute. the feelings making goosebumps race down his neck and arms. he starts kind of mumbling something into benreys shoulder, how hes been feeling so fucked up lately, and he squirms a little closer. hes not really aiming for anywhere in particular but every neuron thats firing in him right now is telling him to get closer. make contact. he missed the fucking guy, what can he say.

and one of benreys hands......slips down to gordons face. his jaw. a thumb pushing into that soft little divot between his jaw and neck, like hes trying to push up into gordons fucking teeth. its weird and bizarrely intrusive, but benreys hand is broad and warm and gordon leans into it anyway, groaning with relief. its not like its not doing anything for him. kind of the opposite, actually. then he palms at gordons neck, and gordon starts breathing harder. he can feel his heartbeat rabbit-fast, pushing against benreys skin (and theres no way benrey isnt feeling that, too).

benrey eyes are lidded and his breaths starting to get heavier, too. naturally, yknow, since gordons practically draped over him right now, melting all the more the longer benrey keeps petting him. oxytocin is crazy, man, especially when a guys in the full throes of some kind of chemical meltdown of the glands. gordons eyes are screwed shut, tail thumping furiously against the bed, and hes panting at benreys neck like hes a fucking dog.  he just doesnt know how to articulate what the fuck his problem is

benrey smells insanely good to him right now, and gordon just blurts that out. benrey gives him some shit for it, but when gordon only makes a weird noise in response and fists his hands in benreys hoodie, it makes him shut up real quick. hes squeezing out words about feeling like he needs something, but its clearly a fucking effort. its almost pitiful

so. gordons crawled right into benreys lap, too impatient after days and days of feeling like this (you know, being in heat, in so many words). hes been pounding off like crazy, that brand new collar of his strapped to his neck nearly every time b/c hes that desperate to feel… well. *benrey*. he cant fucking jerk off to thoughts of anything else - porn doesnt do it for him, and his fantasies slip right back to the same thing every single time. its frustrating! hes bisexual, for gods sake! its not like hes normally immune to the wiles of the Phat Ass White Girl, but lately he just keeps ending up on his hands and knees and whining benreys name into his pillow and he couldnt focus on a girls rack if he tried

point being. hes being awfully fucking demanding. (and also, hes wearing the collar *right fucking now)*. he shoves benreys hand up his shirt and shivers the moment he makes contact with gordons burning-hot flesh. and hes demanding that benrey touch him already, jesus, hes losing his mind! and benreys just crooning at him, “bossy, huh,” but hes scritching gordons ears and palming at his side and nosing at gordons neck and gordon starts to feel like hes melting into it. his protests at being talked down to are perfunctory at best

benrey licks a stripe up gordons neck and starts muttering his stupid horseshit right in gordons ear and it makes gordon clutch his shoulders so tight, claws digging into the meat of him. benreys kind of into it, though, and it just makes him laugh, low and harsh and right in gordons ear. that just makes gordons problem worse. he lets out quiet, nasal whines on every exhale, like a literal fucking dog.

he starts teasing, like, “haha, you’re *gagging* for it, bro,” but gordon doesnt respond with the defensiveness he expects. instead, its like opening a floodgate - he is, hes fucking *desperate*, okay, his dick hasnt gone down in days and he wants benrey so bad he cant see straight and he cant stop thinking about him and all of this comes tumbling out of him at once. gordons trying to press himself as close to benrey as he can physically get, legs straddling benreys lap and arms clutched tight around his back. and when benrey prods a little more, tells gordon to say what hes been thinkin about, gordon starts to pant, squeezing his eyes shut. but he cant bring himself to do anything more than choke and stutter on the words

hes half-hard in his underwear already (and, lets be be clear, he was only in boxer briefs and a tank top to begin with. hes sweating buckets and its the least amount of clothing he could get away with wearing around the house) and his tails thumping a mile a minute and hes so far gone, just from benrey talking down to him and kissing his neck and scratching his ears. but hes not budging yet, so benrey slides that hand on his ears over to his ponytail and *yanks*. tells him, “speak.” gordons dick twitches rapidly, and he lets out a sharp sound, and he finally says it: he needs benrey to *fuck* him, jesus

benrey lets out a harsh breath at that. “yeah? thats what puppy wants?” and the nickname should blister him, make him feel to embarrassed to continue, but gordons too desperate to care. he just starts spewing a litany of “god yes”s and “please”s. hes getting harder and harder, pressed up against benreys belly, and benrey can *feel* it. “good boy,” he mutters, and those claws dig harder, that panting gets louder and harsher

he slips a hand around to gordons back, rubbing slowly for a moment as if to soothe him, and then slides it under the back of gordons boxers. and lower still. starts rubbing at gordons hole. that gets a quiet “oh god” out of gordon.

gordon cant help himself - he rocks forward against benrey, just a little, rubbing his bulge against what he realizes is benreys *extremely* hard dick in his sweatpants. hes not the only one whos got it bad. but he *is* the only one whispering, “fuck, fuck, fuck,” as benrey pushes a little further, makes as if hes about to breach gordon dry. the poor guys so needy that he probably wouldnt even argue!

but benrey just stares at him, wide eyed and flushed, mouth hanging open a little. gordons so hot for this that it surprises the both of them.

anyway after some boring position finagling benrey coaxes gordon onto his hands and knees, running a broad hand down gordons shaking back. and he pulls back gordons tail, exposing him. its so fucking humiliating - gordons got his face buried in a pillow, and his ass in the air, and hes never felt so *vulnerable* before. he wants to argue, he wants to lift his head and look back to make sure that everythings, like, okay back there - benreys staring at his entire asshole, okay, and he wasnt exactly anticipating benrey making a house call to fuck him in the ass - but every time he lifts his head, or starts to say something neurotic about it, benrey chides him about it. clicks his tongue. tells him, “hey. dogs dont talk” or “i said *bow*, bro”.

for all his insisting that hes a real guy, that hes not just a dog, gordons feeling less and less like a human and more like something in thrall to his instincts. the condescension rankles like it always does, but doing what benrey tells him to feels good. feels natural. presenting himself like this feels like what hes *supposed* to do. it doesnt stop him from running his mouth entirely, but it helps to mitigate some of the embarrassment.

and then… benrey *licks*. gordon tenses and gasps. he doesnt know how benrey can stand it, its gotta be, like, unhygienic! but that didnt scare him off the last time they tried this, and its not like gordon hasnt thought about it since. hes thought about it a lot, actually. but hes been too neurotic to ask for it. benreys not stupid, though. hes a good dog owner (at least, so he thinks) and hes gonna take care of his dog. so he licks again, and again, pressing a little harder against gordons hole on each pass with the broad side of his tongue until he dares to breach it with the tip.

gordons rock hard again in an instant. his dick hangs between his legs and drips onto the sheets. he digs his fingers into the pillow now, tearing holes in its surface with those sharp nails of his, and he makes embarrassingly high noises that he muffles into into the pillow, too. hes tense, hes so fucking tense, he should be clamping down and making benreys task really fucking hard, but theres bright pink sweet voice dripping from his hole and benreys rubbing the side of his thigh in an effort to soothe him and both of these things work in tandem to get him to relax. and benrey works his tongue in further, further than a human ought to.

the tip was one thing, but it gets wider as benrey pushes it in, and its just as good as it was before - better, even, because now its just the two of them, just a master and his dog, and benreys the only one he wants to see him like this. bent over and whimpering. he cant— he cant stomach the thought of anybody else doing this to him. hell, there was a point once where the idea of stomaching *benrey* doing this to him would have made him laugh. but here he is. benreys fucking him open with his tongue and pressing against something thats making him see stars and gordon just wants *more*. he says it so sweet, too, voice growing hoarse and raw as he begs benrey to just fucking do it already, he doesnt wanna come like this!

gordon gets so worked up and emotional about it that benrey takes the time to scratch behind his ears again, shushing him and telling him to chill. benreys got him. hes been a good dog, and good dogs get treats. hearing the words “good dog” makes gordons entire body flush. thats all he wants, really. he wants to be a good dog. he wants to be *told*. he blurts out, “oh my god— say it again,” and benreys like, “huh? say what? youre gonna have to be more specific,” clicking the last syllable. it makes all the hairs on gordons head rise and prickle with shame. the best he can do is mumble it into his pillow.

benrey hears it, though, and tugs at gordons collar from behind, just enough to raise his head. “whassat? you want me to call you a good boy?” gordon cant bring himself to answer that directly, but his stupid body betrays him by making him whine. jesus christ, yes, thats all he WANTS! he needs benrey to be good and nice to him for once in his fucking life and give him what he wants instead of taking, taking, taking! but benrey just tells him that hes gonna have to earn it. gonna have to be *real* good for him. gordon could fucking snarl at that, but benreys pulling back to rub his dick between gordons cheeks and against his hole and that shuts him up pretty fast because hes *so close* to getting what he wants and hes not about to fuck it up now by running his big dumb mouth

and then… he starts to push in. that sweet voice has loosened gordon up enough to take even benrey, who, uh, is definitely the bigger of the two, in that regard. he goes slow, uncharacteristically so, and gordons chest heaves with the force of how hard hes breathing. a quiet string of “oh god”s spills out of him as he tries to crane his neck back to watch. the head breaches him with a strange popping sensation, and benrey groans, loud, as the rest of him slides in with little resistance in comparison. “good,” he pants in turn, “youre takin it so good,” and—

and gordon comes, in weak, aborted spurts. it snuck up on him. he clenches so fucking tightly that it winds benrey a little. he breathes out, “whoa. did you—” but gordon just begs him to shut up, keep going, hes not— hes not done yet, its always like this, its not *enough*. his dick barely even flags afterward, it just hangs there, achingly hard and dripping with cum. benrey cant even find it in himself to make fun of him. he wants it so fucking bad, doesnt he? and he feels so good, so fucking tight and slick around benrey that the only thought running through his head is “gotta take care of my dog gotta fuck my best friend gotta nut in him and make him howl”. so he pushes himself alllll the way in until theyre pressed together, skin to skin.

then he starts to move. slow, careful thrusts, more for benreys benefit than gordons. if hes not careful, hes gonna blow his load, right then and there, and hes trying to make it good for gordon, too, okay? unlike *some* of them, hes not gonna bust in two minutes and then spend the next half hour crying and trauma-dumping to the guy hes still got his dick inside of.

once he thinks hes got a grip, though, benrey starts fucking him in earnest, and that changes gordons vocalizations from weak little whimpers into something louder. less restrained. hes given up any pretense of being quiet so that his other selves dont hear that hes snuck his boytoy into his room. just loud, wordless moans on each thrust, initially muffled into the pillow but soon spilling into the wider room when he turns his head to catch his breath. the only words hes managing are “oh god” and “please” and “benrey, benrey, *benrey*”, and benrey just responds to him like, “yeah? thats good? fuuuck, bro, so good for me,” all short of breath and barely able to speak himself

he wants to see gordons face. he *needs* to see gordons face. needs to see what hes doing to him, needs to see that cute fuckin blush of his. so he tugs on gordons collar again, bringing him to his hands and knees properly instead of that bowing position. and then further still - pulls him back so that benreys on his knees, and gordons on his knees in turn, on his lap, cock still buried inside of him and fucking him in short, hurried thrusts. “paws up,” benrey tells him, and gordon does it. instantly. no resistance. just folds them at his chest like a real dog would.

“whos a good boy?” benrey croons, right in his ear again. gordon gasps, “i-i am!”

“yeah? youre a good boy?” nod, wail. “whose— whose good boy are you?”

and gordon chokes on his response. he cant say it, he *cant*, he doesnt want to be benreys but he does, he *does*. he doesnt want to be benreys because its not fucking fair! he cares so fucking much! so much more than benrey does, it feels like, obsessing over the guy like hes wrapped thorny vines all around gordons heart and he cant so much as shift in his seat without feeling the tug and the ache and thinking of benrey again. and benrey doesnt care, he never fucking cares, except—

except he showed up at gordons house, in his room. without even being asked. like he knew something was wrong. and he— hes always talking to gordon, shooting him stupid texts just to make him laugh. scheduling *date nights* for them. date nights where, yeah, maybe they couldnt see each other in person, and maybe they always end in some kind of depraved sexual act, but its not like gordons not into it. hes frighteningly into it, actually. and hes *so* into hearing benreys voice, low and crooning, right in his ear, and seeing him lean on an elbow and smile at him afterward. its— its practically genuine. and benreys always making excuses to talk with him, do things with him, watch stupid fucking movies that only gordon cares about and stream with him on twitch to help boost his subscriber count and—

and—

oh god. maybe he *does* care. that might be more terrifying than the alternative.

then benrey yanks the collar again. presses the whole of gordons back against his front in one hot, unbroken line. and asks, “i said, whose good boy are you, bro? *speak.*”

“benrey,” he blurts out, a ragged moan, “d-dont make me sa-AY it, oh god—”

“no?” benrey stills suddenly. his hands keep gordon stuck in place, unable to move or bounce or feel benrey shift inside of him. “thats, uh… thats too bad, friend. this trains for good boys only. good dogs go to heaven 2. no bad dogs allowed. gonna have to, uhh, escort you off—”

“im not a bad dog!”

“i dunno, gordo. bein’ kind of, uh… disobedient.”

(sorry. thats all i got . byeeee)

[plounce]

what if gay CATS........... were gay PERSONS

(info on this au under the cut)

theyre all shitty young adults just kind of. getting through their early 20s as best they can. or as much as they can. maybe things will get better someday, but right now they’re kind of spinning their wheels

magic exists but like eh it’s not a big thing don’t worry about it. it’s around but like whatever. not many people have it and it’s mostly just like. a curiosity or a party trick

demeter and bombularina are together, tugger and mistoffelees are together, bombularina and tugger occasionally fwb, it’s cool and aboveboard and it’s all fine

demeter:

bisexual with a preference for women. 24 years old

semi-psychic (not as powerful as tantomile or coricopat). tends to have vague and confusing prophetic dreams

dropped out of grad school for sociology due to trauma and ensuing intensified mental illness. kind of bitter about it, but tries to get through every day. general anxiety disorder even before all that

very nervous around most men she doesn’t know & trust

currently working at a barnes & noble starbucks, which sucks. she recently became the assistant manager, which turbo sucks because now she has more work for only like a buck raise, but at least she’s getting reliable shifts

her go-to therapy is cutting her hair with scissors. her hair is fried to all hell from regular bleaching

she’s learning how to crochet because she’s decided she needs to do something physically productively creative with her hands to distract herself from Stuff

bombalurina:

bisexual. 24 years old

got her bachelor’s in english two years ago and hasn’t found a job in her field and has kind of given up on it for now

she’s been bartending for like four years, does freelance editing work on the side. will occasionally write listicles for clickbait sites if she needs extra cash

literally any extra money she can save goes to tattoos. her right sleeve’s almost done

has natural red hair but dyes it cherry red

a hedonist to cope but is also just a natural hedonist. likes a good bath

i know that like the typical thing fandoms say about female characters is “doesn’t take shit” for the girlboss points but she truly does not take shit anymore. she used to take people’s shit sometimes but at this point in her life she’s tired and she has a girlfriend to be protective of. she has a couple people whose shit she will take (mostly just tugger) but besides them (and having to practice basic customer service to keep her job) she’s tired of other people’s shit! enough!

my personal take on bombalurina is a mix between the riot grrrls of the 90s and 80s punk girls, and then a dash of the greaser chicks from grease. i saw that spiked collar and my brain went OH okay i can run with this somewhere fun. same for demeter, but less so - she just has the piercings.

demelurina:

bombalurina met demeter in college at a women’s activism club, noticed her because of her dimple piercings and was like “oh someone else with a lot of metal in her face, i’ll sit next to her”

they were each other’s first off-campus roommates and were close friends. made out a couple times, but it was mostly a lot of sexual tension. there was a lot of bombalurina staring at demeter while she or demeter made out with someone else

demeter was on and off with her high school boyfriend munkustrap and bombalurina was like “oh he’s so much more stable/calm than me and she needs that, i party a bit too much for her, i shouldn’t try anything” so she just sort of. lets their almost-there peter off

(this is all bombalurina’s internal thoughts - demeter always was interested in her, but thought she was too boring for bombalurina. so neither of them thought they could pursue it)

bombalurina graduated and moved somewhere cheaper further away from campus. they kind of drift apart

munkustrap and demeter peter off and he moves away for a job (they’re still good friends, it was a very amicable breakup) and then demeter gets with macavity, which is a deeply toxic situation for her and sucks hugely and throws her whole life really off track. won’t go into further details

she finally manages to break up with him and calls bombalurina at like 2 am asking if she can pick her up, and also if she can sleep on her couch, it’s okay if that’s not okay, she just. really needs a place she feels safe, and her gut is telling her to. and of course bombalurina says yes

bombalurina also knew macavity and had also made out a couple times with him at like parties and stuff (see: staring at demeter as she makes out with people). something about transference of feelings - bombalurina was into him for a couple moments because he and demeter had a thing.

this is due to me interpreting the song “macavity” as actually about bombalurina wanting to fuck demeter and her singing as a half-repressed expression of that. i use my really good wlw brain to reach that conclusion. it’s kind of a non-competitive version of eve sedgwick’s take on the love triangle. (<-- normal thing to say)

but anyway demeter stays on bombalurina’s couch and she tries so hard to stay on track but eventually she just has to drop out. bombalurina helps her with that too. she’s just really supportive even as demeter’s life is at its lowest point. when she gets home from bartending she gets demeter to go to sleep

she just Stays with her and makes her smile and reminds her that her life isn’t over, there’s still things in her day to enjoy, to keep her trudging forward

bombalurina is roommates with tugger at this point - he also recently dropped out and demeter knows him because he’s munkustrap’s brother, so he’s Trusted and also is like “hey it’s okay that you dropped out, im here and im chilling and you like me and respect me at least a little, and you have a bachelor’s degree at least!” (more on him later)

demeter is like “oh god ive been crashing at their place for so long not paying rent, theyre gonna ask me to leave, im such a freeloader, they wont take my attempts at paying rent” but then bombalurina and tugger are like “hey! the lease is almost up! we found a pretty good 3 bedroom, do you wanna have your own room for real?” and she nearly cries because 1. the RELIEF 2. oh my god you want me around???

cut to bombalurina helping demeter put together an ikea dresser (tugger got banished to the kitchen to make crystal light lemonade for them because he’s useless with a screwdriver) and demeter has two epiphanies:

1. i thought i was ready to d*e four months ago and here i am making a dresser to put clothes into in my new apartment where i live and feel safe and loved. im still not happy but im still alive and im making a dresser

2. holy fuck im back in love with my best friend, and ten times more than i was back then.

so she like kind of freaks out because she’s already imposed so much on bombalurina, how could she impose her FEELINGS on her like this, oh no oh no oh no

meanwhile bombalurina’s back in love with her even MORE and she’s also like no... she’s already dealing with so much... i don’t want to make her uncomfortable or feel unsafe in her own home especially after her recent relationship trauma... i just want her to feel safe around me...

you might think tugger as their roommate would be like “JUST KISS” but he is in fact pretty oblivious because he is self-absorbed. mistoffelees on the other hand..

eventually they do have a big confession of feelings after demeter has a bad day and it’s very dramatic and they make out in the rain. and it’s like. well this is a movie scene. but also im cold and damp. let’s head inside our home and get warm and dry :)

and then they go inside and and talk through everything, all their feelings (not just their romantic feelings but like ALL their feelings) and their shared histories and bombalurina is like “do you think you’re... ready for a relationship right now? like that would be a good thing for you?”

and demeter considers it. she does stop and think. and then she says, “with anyone else... probably not. but it’s you. and i feel so safe around you, and we’re already so close. you make the future feel more worth it. you make more days alive feel not just tolerable, but something to look forward to. and knowing you’ve loved me all this time... it’s nice. it’s good. i’m - i’m understating it so much, it’s more than nice, it’s just - it’s a lot. i wish i had noticed back then.” “hey, hey, don’t blame yourself. i’m the one who never said anything.”

anyway. everything works out, and they start dating for real :)

tugger:

bisexual. 22 years old

dishwasher at the same bar bombalurina works at. she got him the job. he keeps bugging her to teach him bartending tricks and on slow nights she will agree to

he dropped out of their four year, but he managed to secure an associate’s in communications before he dipped

trying to be an ig influencer hotboy and hopefully get modeling jobs from that but his phone’s camera sucks shit so his account isn’t really going anywhere. but he continues to post his low resolution shirtless selfies

trying to cope with being the failure son who does not have a fancy nonprofit job with a salary and healthcare by being self-absorbed and self-aggrandizing

it works about 60% of the time and 60% of the times that it doesn’t he’s able to hide it

he dropped out right around when bombalurina graduated and he was like HEY! ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A ROOMMATE WHO DOESN’T CARE IF WE LIVE TEN MILES AWAY FROM CAMPUS? WELL HAVE I GOT A SOLUTION FOR YOU: ME!

to which bombalurina (who has fooled around with him here and there and thinks he is funny little man and genuinely goodhearted, and also he has rockin abs as a plus) says munkustrap already asked me if i need a roommate and if i do to consider you, because you don’t want to move back home. in other words: yes, you little idiot

they do fool around with each other but they are both very understanding that it is strictly platonic and for fun, especially once they become roommates. they both do not desire each other for anything serious

he did have a bit of a crush on each other when they met (hot punk older girl who’s friends with his brother) but 1. it dissipated pretty quick after they fooled around for the first time because it was not a very serious crush 2. she was in the middle of being in love with demeter so she was focused on that, emotionally

he got his ears pierced a couple times in high school but bombalurina inspired him to get a couple more. she went with him when he got his nose pierced

demeter has always understood that him and bombalurina are strictly fwb, has never been an issue.

she and him like to bleach their hair together when their hair schedules line up (he bleaches his way less often then she does), but she refuses to use his fancy conditioner that keeps his hair unfried because it’s expensive, even though he tells her to go ahead and use it, please, the health of her hair is giving HIM anxiety, demeter please. please demeter

mistoffelees:

gay. 20 years old

has magic. it’s pretty good magic but again: magic is not a big deal in this concept

a bit spooky. skulks around. a bit of a bitch but also very very nice. chooses when to speak

he has postings on craigslist and fiverr about finding lost objects and people with magic. like a gig economy private detective

side job is a waiter at a fancy restaurant

sometimes he gets paid VERY well from the private detecting, depending on the client. he does ask his psychic friends (tantomile & coricopat) to give a quick glance over on some of the more suspicious clients just to make sure he isn’t finding someone who should not be found by that person.

doesn’t go to college. is roommates with his sister victoria, who’s a freshman and studying dance. moved into town with her so she wouldn’t have to live in the dorms by having a guaranteed roommate.

tuggoffelees:

the general vibe i want for these two is mistoffelees walking around town or driving around in his shitty toyota camry while tugger tags along because he’s bored and thinks this is cool as shit

the general tone of the au is “magic isn’t a big deal” except for tugger, who thinks mistoffelees’ magic and his magic freelancing is the coolest shit ever. this is mostly because he just likes mistoffelees. “there are people who can do cooler shit than me, tug” “yeah but i don’t KNOW them also theyre not as COOL as you” “you had to explain to me how instagram reels work”

idk how they met i just think tugger shows up at his and bombalurina’s apartment one day (this is when demeter has moved in but they havent moved to the 3br yet) with this dude to dash in and pick something up and bombalurina is like “uh. who’s this” “oh this is mistoffelees he’s SO GOOD AT MAGIC” [mistoffelees nods hello] “okay bye bombalurina see you at work!!!” “uh. later”

after that he just shows up a lot. sort of ambiguous if theyre dating or what for a while before bombalurina straight up asks like “hey does the dude you’re dating know we fool around” “the dude im - what?” “... the little magic guy who keeps using our hot cocoa mix. misty.” “oh. uh. we aren’t dating.” “... do you want to? because you’re kind of all over him constantly” “um. well! haha, if i wanted to, i could! haha!” “yeah get back to me on that”

tugger trying to use his ig clout to get mistoffelees more work even though 1. he has no clout 2. mistoffelees has a very stable client base. but mistoffelees appreciates the effort. the self-promo guy promoing someone other than himself... the highest expression of love...

mistoffelees is A Nonthreatening Man plus he’s pretty obviously gay so demeter is chill around him pretty quickly. when mistoffelees is over they’ll sit on the couch where demeter sleeps and watch documentaries quietly while she crochets

they both occasionally say spooky shit at the same time because magic stuff. bombalurina and tugger are both torn between “that was cool as fuck” and “god that’s unnerving”

just a lot of tugger following mistoffelees around on his jobs and mistoffelees letting him because he’s fond of him and them occasionally getting into minor peril and interesting shenanigans, but it is 90% fetch quests

i think the first time they met tugger was taking selfies in front of a hydrangea in a public park and he saw mistoffelees walk up with a shovel and start digging in one of the flower beds and he thought he was hot so he went over and offered to take over on the shoveling to look strong and masculine and he ended up digging up a skull, which mistoffelees picked up and said “thanks” and then walked away

mildly terrifying but also very interesting and tugger’s days are kind of boring and dishwashing kind of sucks as a job to do like every night and he is a person who thrives on novelty so. moth to a porchlight

i think they do start making out for fun here and there and then a while later theyre out on one of mistoffelees’ jobs and someone asks “who’s the guy with you” and mistoffelees replies “oh that’s my boyfriend, don’t worry about him” and then it’s like. “HUH? I’M YOUR BOYFRIEND?” “uh. yeah? i assumed. is that okay?” “i mean yeah of course i think you’re great! how long have we–” “oh like a while.” “oh. uh. cool!!”

they just hang out a lot. mistoffelees enjoys teasing him and enjoys his warmth and bombasticity and tugger likes watching and helping him solve little mysteries around the county because it’s always something new. they’re kind of a comedy duo. they just enjoy spending their time together and following mistoffelee’s internal magic gps to find lost dogs and lost necklaces

yeah right now this au is just vibes and just sort of. continuing forward with your days and your weeks and your months. just young adults hanging out

[altonadventures]

ALTON ADVENTURES BIG ANNOUNCEMENT

So...because its Friday and I usually update AA on Fridays, I figured it was time to make my big announcement! 

And that is...that Alton Adventures is changing. A little bit. 

Am I rebooted the comic again? No haha! Once I get back to it it shall continue as normal but some characters may look a bit different going forward. 

Who may those characters be?

Sir Gareth Nemesis 

Why is he changing? 

Sir Nemesis’ change is actually less drastic than one may think. For starters, he needed a design rehaul. I wanted his armor to be more simple, easier to draw but with still details that could tie him to Nemesis (the green eye, the arms, the light pink details instead of inconsistent tentacles). I also had an issue where his hair was too close to his skin color, so to combat this I turned him into a ginger! His eye color also changed from gold to green, another thing to visually tie him more to Nemesis. 

So yes, I changed Sir Nem’s design because I was unhappy with it. His armor was never drawn consistently ever, I was constantly changing the tone of his hair and his skin so that was inconsistent. I want my designs to be more consistent and polished going forward.

What else is different? Well, you can probably tell he looks much more serious, like in older pictures I drew of him. Why is that? Well, I was kind of..honestly tired of his role as the “dad character tm” that he kind of turned out to be. It almost undermined his true characterization and turned him into a typical over the top exaggerated hero character. And I started to realize how much I missed his original concept. A battle hardened solider that was filled with regret and remorse, who heavily sympathizes with the plight of the alien he’s locked in combat with. He’s still much a father however, as he has a biological son and adopts an alien who mimics his likeness (hence another reason he’s a ginger now as his Nemesis daughter always was one). He’s just returned to his roots as a character. Because I felt that characterization was a unique one for the Nemesis ride. And it was an idea I really loved. Sir Nemesis actually WAS one of my favorite characters...I wanted his role to be much larger than it is in the comics. I don’t blame anyone for him becoming a joke, I did initially kind of fuel the fire for it, I’m just hoping that its not to late to get back to the Sir Nemesis I originally wanted to write. And of course, all my characters are still meme and joke worthy. I just want to tackle much more serious issues with my comic and show the more serious side of some of my characters and don’t want there entire existence to be a joke Mr.S can’t have too many folks 1 uping him in the laughs department!  I guess to note with this change that his original voice claim has also been solidified as well. It’s a more somber and serious tone that I feel fits him as a character. 

Final Notes 

Sir Nemesis is a character that I have a lot of thought put into. His backstory is tragic, emotional, and his character is complex and he’s not the perfect hero people might image him as. I plan for his Arc to follow the Fireworks arc in the comic, as well as I am planning to start some more text heavy short stories about how the Secret Weapons became Secret Weapons (which I will likely call Secret Weapon Short Stories hehe) and will be writing his first. Also a very important thing i must address. Yes, the eye on his chest moves. (I have a gif but it doesn’t want to work on this post Ill have it up later ><)

Erica Annabelle Cloud 

ooof okay this is a huge one. Confession time. Erica was always my least favorite character. Why? She just had...no character. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with her, her design felt phoned in and there because I needed an Air/Galatica character, (yes, she is changing as her Galatica stage too). She was just. not well thought out. She had a dual identity but I think a lot of people didn’t pick up on that? She felt like a Rita 2.0 as just a nice and friendly optimistic person and literally had 0 backstory. Originally she was supposed to have had some sort of accident that turned her into Galatica and she had memory loss and forgotten about when she was Air, yeah it was a mess. That eventually just turned into Nebula Corona being a character she made up (bc her one trait was that she was into space and wrote a lot) that she played as when her rides themeing changed. 

She was just..barely a character and her design was abysmal (Her Galatica suit was okay but her Air outfit was an afterthought) She needed a massive visual upgrade. A sleeker flight suit that makes more sense (I used a ref or two for this design!) A different face shape to help her stand out more, my signature they wear glasses they have dot eyes look. Long, wispy, flowing hair to resemble those trails planes make. A bit more lanky and tall. And let me tell you I LOVE her design now. It looks so much more unique and you can just SEE she has so much more character now!  As for her characterization im going full into her being a nerd. A very tech nerd at that! She designed her suit to help her fly at her best, and eventually will be the one that designs and builds all her Galatica tech! Her Galatica design hasn’t been done yet, mostly bc I wanted to focus on her current comic canon design, but not much would change I feel with her upgrade anyways! She is effectively the brains of the group, and the others often turn to her for plans of attack when dealing with a situation, or innovative solutions to problems! I have yet to get a voice claim for her, but im sure one will come to me soon enough! 

Final Notes

Erica/Nebula was a character I struggled to connect with. Everyone else had Airs that were either super plot important, or just much more cool and creative in general. I felt, that with my Air/Galatica she was just there, and I wanted her to be more. So a full character rehaul was done with her and it makes me so happy. She feels much more fleshed out, better designed, and I’m super excited to do more stuff with her, and hopefully you will all see her much more now that I’m a lot happier with her as a character! <3 

Welp that's the end of the updates....wait. Hold on. I have something written here. What could this be? Oh! I remember now! 

Black Hole, AkA Beatrix, will be joining the MAIN CAST of Alton Adventures! 

When I drew my Black Hole design, I knew she was something special. She stands out compared to a lot of my characters, and her design SCREAMS main character. While the biggest main roles will still be held by Mr. S and Rita, I wanted to add another non SW coaster to the main crew, and because Canonically Corkscrew is MIA, Black Hole seemed like a fitting addition to the main crew! As she isn’t human, a species literally only referred to as Black Holes, I thought making her a main character and giving her a big arc would help flesh out the reality of non humans in Alton Adventures! Her powers and design and character and personality are just too fun to shove her into the background. I feel that adding her to the main cast gives them not only another character to support them, but a closer friend! You will all see her much more in the future for certain! 

Well that's about it! In terms of comic updates themselves...its still going to be hiatus as long as I’m being swamped with school work. I hope you all understand. I’ll try to squeeze in updates over the breaks I have IF im not working on assignments for class. As I also said, I wanna do short stories as well, to expand the world and explain it better, as a comic will only develop the world so quickly and lots of you have tons of questions! I also wanna do something animated at some point, that’s my dream. I’ve ALSO mentioned to some people about merch, likely going for making stickers first since that's simple. I got an excited reaction for that so I’ll come up with designs for them soon! I just wanna do a lot with Alton Adventures, because I know how much it means to people, and of course it means so much. Goodness I really need to actually get to this park, I look quiet silly constantly gushing over a themepark I’ve never been to all the time XP  That all aside I thank you all for sticking by me. I promise that even if I don’t do comic updates as frequently during the school year, I’ll still work to push out as much AA content I can outside of that! I’m always open to suggestions to what you guys want to see! ALSO, working on a big google doc spreadsheet with info on all the characters I’ll be posting when its more completed! So be on the lookout for that! 

Again thank you to everyone who’s stuck with me through this, Your support makes me feel nothing but proud of what I’ve created. These characters may have been created out of something some may consider silly or odd, but the only thing that matters to me if that I can make at least someone happy with what I create. 

Patreon (note that patrons got to see all of this content as it was being worked on!) l Ko-fi

[vvipedout]

5/5/22

hey tumblr its allie i never made friends or got personal on here but i have like 500 followers so who even uses this anymore wazzup i just had to go through hell to get my account back but i really want to start writing on here because journaling is cool and all but 1. isnt it so ominous and cool that someone random can be reading all of my thoughts? like slay and 2. writing is literally so tiring and boring to me and my brain works way too fucking fast for me to be able to remember what i want to say when im writing. okay so anyways i dont really care about giving yall context of everything thats going on in my life right now because literally if you know you know and if not then youll figure it out unless i abandon this project like i almost abandon everything else i start lmfao i am mentally ill. my L key is like fucked up i think weed crumbs be getting under my keys.

anyways heres whats up. life is good but its weird. i lost so many people i thought were truly close to me and understood me in the past year so i feel a mix of like cherishing and yearning to be closer to the friends that i am lucky to still have and do understand me yet also being like fuck everyone because people are weird and always end up disappointing me. i lost my only real best friend in my teen/adult life over the dumbest fucking shit but they just changed. i dont know that person anymore. the things that were revealed to me in our “friendship breakup” were really telling because they never tried to talk to me. they could never face me and its just disappointing, because this whole time i was the one who saw something in them that they never even saw in the first place. it was probably my fault for being the type of person i am. i cant explain it, i really am just like a big spider and everyone who comes into my life gets entangled into my web. i probably put too much of my life and my burden onto them. but whats done is done, i dont miss them at all. i’m more so disappointed that they could throw away our entire relationship and everything we have ever been through together - for reasons still unknown to me. ive moved on. i love the friends i do have. im so lucky to have gotten closer to someone who has become such an important person in my life. we basically see eachother every day atp but its such a calming presence and always a highlight of my day. they’ve brought out a creative side of me through the past 6 months we’ve gotten closer and i love who i am because of that. i think its really funny that i am so easily inspired by people who i think are cool, i just think .0002% of people are actually cool. theyre so cool to me

my love life is completely dry. sahara desert. im still practically in love with someone who literally could give less of a shit about me and it fees like im trapped. they abandoned me but my brain cant let it go like its almost been a year and it still doesnt even feel real. i be really having delusions sometimes and its scary to me. i cant stop checking their social media and every time i do i just get so mad but i still keep doing it. they literally blocked me on everything. i sound like such a fucking stalker but it also feels like this is what they wanted by doing what they did to me. if you only knew what they said to me to make me feel this way - like you could love me with a burning passion one day and twelve hours later be ice fucking cold to me and cut me off for the weirdest shit. this must be a pattern in my life lmfao

it also hurt that in losing my “best friend” they did the exact same thing to me that my ex did. and they were there for all of it, with me, i dont remember them comforting me, moreso telling me off in an i told you so kind of way but like you knew what that did to me and you went and did it to me too? idk

im already tired of typing and i didnt even talk about my day today but it was pretty good. i have anxiety over the craziest shit but i love being around people who make me feel safe. i left early from work bc i was having anxiety abt this favor i told my coworker id do them so i had to go get stuff from the beauty supply and idk i just wanted to go home... but i got my karma for doing that because i smoked in the park had a great ass time and then went in the subway to go home, someone opens the door with a stroller im like yasssss and then i walk through and cops grab me. BITCH!!!! i got a $100 subway ticket like are you fuckin serious mate... every time i cry i basically get a panic attack and cant breathe so that happened in the middle of the 14th st station it was really embarrassing but mostly annoying because like really bro... ur gonna give me a ticket.. i literally told these fuck asses that i couldnt afford it and they felt sympathetic BUT GAVE ME THE BIGGEST FINE!!! GO FUCK YOURSELF!!! so i let that ruin my day for like an hour but then i got over it. its just that im so broke rn and money gives me SO much anxiety like being broke is actually the worst fucking shit ever :(

clearly feeling manic since im typing this in the first place but im excited for tomorrow because i have my first psych appt since 2019 and maybe will get rediagnosed/get on new meds because my anxiety is fr out of control :( and im paranoid and i cant sleep at night and it feels like bugs are crawling on me and i can feel every inch of fabric on my sports bra touching me and i probably have adhd too after u read this crazy ass essay u could probably tell lmfao anyways. going to smoke and watch teen mom and then go to sleep. maybe reblog some more shit and see whats going on on my dash. gn besties

[syxsol-blog]

hey guys. not so happy annoucement this time, but bear with me

I have health issues that i need to focus on for now, so ive decided to leave the directory (a wandering ghost of a character around the ship doesn’t really help development of the directory you know??). i know it seems really sudden, but i wouldn’t leave like this if it wasnt really important for me to. I love everyone here, i love the story line, and i love watching everyone create these super detailed characters to drive along the plot.

however, im a pretty sappy person, so ive decided to write some personal goodbyes. some of you i didnt get to speak with on as regular of a basis, but i still read your stuff on dash and appreciated you creating a story and experiecing that passion second hand. without further hesitation...

@sysidereus​ you’re married to multiple people but i GUESS that’s fine. as long as im the number one wife, it’s okay. ;) I love talking to you, even if it’s unrelated to the directory or just random shit about tv shows like jane the virgin (i still wanna make that meme board including the entire crew of serenity). we vibe well, and you’re an incredible writer. sid has always been one of my favorite muses here, and the one thing i regret-- TWO things i regret are not being able to talk you as much, and not being able to see sol and sid become best friends but sorta gay. like naruto and sasuke. honestly i adore you, and i hope i see you around again.

@syxephraim​ babe babe babe Bae. I know you’ve been worrying about my disappearance acts for a while, but ill say it a hundred times over. you’re one of the best rp partners ive ever had. no contest, really. you’re incredibly sweet and wonderful, too. the plot between eph and sol is one of my favorite plots ive ever had, and I’ve had a LOT of plots, trust me. there’s nothing quite like finding a writer like you who i can trade headcanons back and forth so seamlessly until it becomes this story that’s bigger than i ever imagined. there is not one moment i regret logging in to send you a message, even just a quick one before i fell off the earth. i wish i had more time to develop the relationship between sol and ephraim. spoiler for you: Sol is in love with ephraim, and he has been since he left persephone. He loves that boy down to his core, and there’s no changng that. I hope to return one day so I can write with you again. You’re loved, angel. Don’t doubt that.  

@kamorasy​ what’s funny is our characters always end up in brother/sister roles together. you have me on twitter, too, so we won’t lose contact, but you still get a sweet message from me because *clenches fists meme* I just love you that much. we knew each other from vanta black, too. and girl... your characters are like discovering treasure. so complex, well thought out, and experately played. we’re always able to headcanon w each other (altho for some reason we can never quite actually rp). but i never have a problem writing with you. it runs like clockwork. take care of yourself, okay? & if you ever need someone to drive away a strange man that hits on you, call me up

@syjaewon​ Queen Bee. you’ve been really understanding with everything and i can’t even say how much i appreciate that. like... wow. two directories we’ve known each other, and in each one, im awed by you. jaewon is an unforgettable muse, he really is, and you’re unforgettable mun, you really are. you’ve built an amazing place for people to come to and feel safe to express and write stories together. in all my rp years, ive only seen that a few times. thank you for letting me be a part of serenity, and you know where to find me if you ever need me. <3

@syxhenry​ Hi, doll. sorry that goodbyes have come down to this long ass message full of sap. i still think it’s hilarious that you were in kingsman & i didnt realize that till much later. there’s something very special about your characters. they’re all so well done, and the way you write them makes you want to keep reading everything about them. i’m lucky that i did get to write with you in not one, but two different places. henry and sol’s relationship didn’t develop quite as far as i would have loved to see them go, but there’s always more opportnities. i loved talking to you about characters, and plotting out the bizarre admiration sol has for henry. and i will always probably ship henry/noi. can you blame me?

@syaudrey​ im crying in the club right now because i have to say goodbye to one of the muns of a kickass engineering lady. you make me happy bc of how you are as a person, and the fact you’re writing about characters people don’t normally write about. can i just say how much i love the fact that audrey is asexual and amazing and complex and hilariously prickly all in one? sol and audrey are so funny bc all sol wants is to be friends with her, and she finds his bubbly attitude suspicious. i wish we’d gotten to rp that relationship to completion. we only started talking more frequently for a little bit, but omg i wish id had more time to chat with you. you’re so great and so is your muse. i only wish you the best, babe.

@sysullivan​ i only hope you can forgive me... maybe if i get on my knees. we had a lot of plans, and im sad we didnt get to write them out together. maybe some day, right? you’re one of the first people i talked to a LOT here, and i just want to thank you for humoring me, especially when i would send you the most ridiculous ideas or thoughts about things. also, i was the one that sent that secret admirer message that one time. ;))))) sol’s little crush on sullivan was really fun for me to write out, even if i only got to for a short time. what i like about you the most as a writer is how much thought and detail you put into your characters. absolutely blows my mind, honestly it does. i hope you never stop writing that way. you’re brilliant. thank you for sticking with me

@syxyihan​ you NEVER fail to make me smile, it’s incredible. plus writing with you is always really fun-- i had the most fun writing with you because you’re not afraid to be silly or a little ridiculous. i love both versions of your muse with all my heart, and i enjoyed every second i did get to speak with you. you’re in the wind now, like i am, but i still hope you see this. your creations are some of my favorite to see, and i really hope you keep writing. there’s a particular quality about your writing that makes you want to keep reading and reading and reading, and you’re sad when you reach the end of it because you want to see more. i loved the relationships between our characters even if they were short lived... and for the love of god i need real closure with yihan and henry. im crying. BUT. ill just write fanfic for them instead. LMAOO. your writing is gorgeous, it really is. best of luck to you <3 thank you

@syxmina​ mina is my kick ass cool aunt :( you’re one of the first people i interacted with... and their dynamic is sol being the annoying little kid who almost gets killed by mina all the time. yet, i love that. she never really killed him and deep down i like to think she still sort of... tolerates him in a positive way. i love mina will all of my sol (LMAO LET ME BE LAME). the way you play her is great to see. i hope you keep writing, and continue to spread your creativity. it’s worth wtinessing every time

@syxsonmi​ WE NEVER GOT tooooo WRITE. i’ll always remember you becuase you plotted that super cool, super dark plot with me right from the start. it takes a certain person to go crazy with that subject material right along with me, BUT YOU STILL DID AND I ADORE YOU FOR IT. you’re also a dreamcatcher fan and i gotta protect my fellow dreamcatcher friends. siyeon is my wife and ill worship her until i die but i digress. i love sonmi, and im sad we never got to write out that super cool plot. i only hope you can forgive me for disappearing on you. i loved watching sonmi develop beyond her trauma. you write her well, and this rp wouldnt be the same without you

@sybyul​ you thought i wouldn’t mention you, didn’t you? Well, think again. we didn’t get to writing that super awesome dynamic between our characters, but it’ll live on in my head and ill always remember you fondly. 1) you’re a really talented writer. 2) you’re really funny lmao afFALSKJKl. i wish i had more time with you, but maybe ill come back, or maybe we’ll run into each other again in a different directory. your writing is gorgeous, i never get tired of reading your application ( i think ive read it at least five times ). no lie. sorry that we have to part ways like this, but i really did enjoy being around you. remember to watch ice spiders or dragon wars & hate me for bringing that into your life. <3

at @ everyone else.

you make this place unforgettable, you really do. ive been here for a while, although i have been a ghost, i still logged in to keep up with the activity and the development of everyone’s characters. i don’t regret one moment or one second i spent here. one reason i didn’t write a solo of sol leaving is because i hope to return, i really do. but for now

you’re all talented, and I enjoyed watching all of you be so creative and passionate about this place. i love all of you. and since ive already been sappy, ill be a little even more sappy. remember to be kind to people, take care of yourselves, and keep writing.

see you, space cowboy

<3

[saffronic]

wooo boy, is it one of those days again? probably. do i want to talk about it? sure, why not. to no one in specific, just to myself and to get this out of my chest, really. no need to read this, it’s mostly a vent i will probably get rid of later.

i walked a long way in making myself feel better, and i know that there will be days i will fall back. but that’s okay, because my strides forward are much wider than the small trips i take on my way. am i where i want to be in my life? fuck no. i will get there though, without realizing it. what is it that i want in life? i have no idea actually.

i used to think that i wanted to be an artist, or a graphic designer, or an animator. but slowly, as depression took over, anxiety made me realize how behind i am when it comes to artistic creativity and progress, i just.. i don’t know. i never felt like i was where i wanted to be. here’s the bad part: last year i was happy with my progress. this year, i am not. i feel like i’ve hardly drawn any at all, and where my progress idled for the longest time. why? why’s this a thing all of a sudden?

ill answer those questions after i’ve answered where i want to be in life. summary: i don’t know. i want to be happy, that’s all. big job, small job, normal life, abnormal, as an artist, or as a secretary, i don’t give a hoot right now. i just want to feel like im moving forward. and i don’t feel that. i wanted to be, at one point, a kid’s book illustrator, but not even that comes to my mind anymore. i even settled to have art as some sort of hobby that could be a bit lucrative...

but right now it’s becoming a chore to just pick up a pencil and sketch, just to try and see my progress and hope whatever i put out is worth a damn. i am very unsatisfied, i am tired, i dislike my art, i dislike my style and i hardly have any inspiration. i know people say fight through the art block, fight through the whole lack of ideas, but i have so many files and pen sketches that i don’t like looking at.

i sketched porn, i sketched faces, i sketched dumb to cute stuff, nothing really that makes me feel the groove again. maybe i lack a fandom or something i’m really into? not entirely, i am very into pokemon (games, go and cards) but i guess i lack a few pushes to really get into it. and boy, i tried original characters too, and that went down the drain fast.

am i writing any? no. well, yes, but it’s mostly rp’s with kimmi and i am very thankful she puts up with my dumb butt when we tackle pokemon go stuff. i love the stories we tackle, and i want to elaborate on them more every time. i do want to draw about them too, but again, art eludes me.

art eludes me for a lot of things right now. and i get a bit jealous when i see other artists succeed and visibly improve when i can’t see that with my own things. hhhhhh, but i know im not the only artist that feels this, and i know it’s something okay to admit and take control over by admitting it because that’s a normal feeling. so yes, i do feel slightly jealous when i find someone else’s art so much better and gorgeous and note their progress--because i can’t see mine. i can’t feel it.

in short, i want to draw, and i miss the ways i was inspired when i was in college. the programs helped, having someone shove me and tell me ‘you have to spit shit out of your brain for a grade’ sort of helped me progress. and i was good. i miss that so much. and sometimes i wished i had someone to do that now with me, but i know i can’t expect that from anyone but myself and i am not one bit consistent with myself right now because i am lost my one routine, which was my job. and that in itself helped me with my mental scheduling. hell, it was probably the most accomplished i’ve felt in a long time. i was at least able to draw things during work when there was nothing else to do. all of those lapis and peridots...

i know this too will pass. i know i’ll kick my ass into gear. but i feel like i need to cry about this sometimes because it is hard being optimistic every day. yep, i’m upset at myself.

let me have this moment to cry. what’s wrong with that.

[ladyamandapanda12]

The King and I Chap.3

Thanks for patience everyone! Im officially settled and have my writing office set up!

Woohoo!

Warnings: Adult Content

Chap. 2 Here

Chapter 3

Rehearsals had run late that night. Like past dinner and well into the night late. Tia didn’t return to the palace until 1am. She felt terrible for missing dinner, especially since it was her first night back in the palace. However, with a semi new crew, and a new soundboard for her techs to master, rehearsal didn’t run as smooth as anticipated. As Tia made her way inside the palace and towards the stairs. She pondered if she had the strength to make it up all 32 steps. Luckily her hunger was rising, and she knew that there were always leftovers in the kitchen. So she waved a passing hand at the taunting steps and made her way to the kitchen.

To her surprise, she was not the only one looking for a late-night snack. Maurice the chef from Cancun, Mexico was also in the kitchen, rummaging over the left overs. Maurice hadn’t noticed that Tia had come in, but she was too tired to scare him. Instead she took a seat at the counter, and waited for him to turn around and acknowledge her.

“Buena Noches lady Tia.” He spoke as he continued drying the dishes.

“Don’t you mean Buenos Dias? It is technically morning.”

“You are right Buenos Dias, Como estas?”

“I’m sleepy and hungry as fuck.” Tia stated with an unapologetic giggle.

“Well I made spaghetti for dinner. I can heat some up for you.” Maurice offered, Tia gave him a quizzical look.

“Neh no thanks.”

“The usual then?”

“Yes please.”

As Maurice moved to grab the box of graham crackers. He snatched the peanut butter up along the way, last stop was for the honey.  Maurice then remembered that he had given it to Sebastian while they did arts and crafts earlier and the little one never brought it back. As he explained to Tia the reason for the lack of honey, someone else was listening outside of the hallway. Whom was also having a tough time sleeping. Maurice poured Tia a glass of warm milk, and giggled as she drooled over the simple snack.

“Yep that’s my little one. He’s creative as fuck. We may not ever see that honey again.” She smiled as she stuffed the topped graham cracker in her mouth.

“He misses you so much when your gone T. Sometimes I make his favorite dessert 4 to 5 times a week just to cheer him up.”

“I don’t know how he has time to miss me. We talk on the phone damn near every day!”

Maurice busted out in a laugh. In the midst of calming he noticed a familiar figure in the hallway that startled him. However, as he was about to offer them to join them, they motioned for him not to say anything.

“I kid you not! Like when I am at my daytime job, everyone knows to leave me alone between certain times. But I love it. We always talk about different stuff, he’s always so warm, and I miss these two boys all the time. They have become my world.”

“So here’s a more important question… How are you going to explain missing first night’s dinner? Hmm?”

Tia rolled her eyes and started massage her temples.

“That new sound board is a BITCH!” Maurice couldn’t bite back another gut bursting laugh. “I mean a true bitch from the beginning to the end. It did not like me, or the sound techs. Praise god that the manual wasn’t thrown out! SO my techs will be going over it the next few days. The damn machine is smarter then all of us college degreed heathens put together. But it’s okay I’m too tired, and the milk is getting to me. So if you will excuse me, I will see you in the manana.”

“Wait I have a question. When are you and Chris going to get your feelings together and get together.” Tia just looked at Maurice.

“Ha, yeah okay, considering he despises me, and I’m not too keen on him yeah…. Good Night Maurice.” Tia stepped out and didn’t even notice the figure standing merely 5ft away behind her. Or so the figure thought. “Go to bed Sebastian, you should be in bed too Chris.”

Sebastian was puzzled turning around he realized his father was behind him listening as well. Maurice knew Sebastian was there, but Chris was news to him. Once Chris stepped out Sebastian said good night to both men and ran upstairs. Once the little one was out of sight Maurice bowed his head and acknowledged the king, and began to clean up the kitchen again. Chris moved to the fridge to grab a beer. Maurice pulled out the pop top opener and handed it to him. Chris popped the cap off and caught it before it could hit the floor. He leaned against the fridge and took a long draw from the glass bottle. With a breath and some liquid courage, he spoke.

“If she only knew.”

Maurice turned to look at him, he was taking another swig of his beer. “Pardon me your majesty?”

“If only she knew. I don’t despise her at all. It’s just… I can’t not right now. I have to look out for my boys. I can’t be in a relationship with someone who.” Chris began counting on his fingers. “One has no title, two lives on the other side of the world, and three wont love me. I just can’t.”

“In her defense your majesty you haven’t made it easy for her to love you.” Chris looked at Maurice he wanted to be upset with him but he knew he was right. “Secondly you know if you married her she would move here for you and the boys. Now the title thing I can’t solve, but if you make her your wife. Wouldn’t she become a duchess or something like that?”

“Yeah something like that.”

“And you know you don’t have to worry about the boys. They love her to pieces. She would fit right into this little routine you guys have going on. And she would make a lovely acting queen. But that’s my opinion, and I’m biased sooo do what you feel in your heart and gut is best. Good night your majesty.” Maurice gave another little bow and started to exit the room. He had made it to the door when Chris pipped out.

“I do love her.” Finishing off the bottle.

Maurice turned around, and walked back up to where he was standing. “Then tell her. Show her, she thinks quite the opposite of you right now. But she’s too open minded to stay that way. Play on that, show her that you want to be with her. She will come around.”

“How do you know?” Chris looked at the man with heavy eyes.

“Because she loves your kids. And she respects what you do as a king. She thinks you’re a handsome douche.” Maurice then winced that wasn’t supposed to come out. “But like I said show her how you feel and she will come around.” Maurice turned and this time tried to leave a little more hastily before he word vomited again.

Chris placed his bottle in the sink and made his way from the kitchen back to his chambers. On the way back he thought about how he could convey his feelings to Tia. A short walk later and he was passing her bedroom. A part of him told him to keep walking, the other part told him to go in there and exactly show her how he felt.  As he stood there and pondered his choices he decided he would knock and gauge her reaction. He knocked 3 times quietly trying not to alert the palace of his plans.

Tia was in her robe after a quick shower. Her body still a little damp not realizing her breast were on partial display she opened the door, expecting a little one for a good night kiss. To her surprise, it wasn’t a little one at all.

She was in awe really. His face flushed, and the smell of alcohol coming off his breath was slightly making Tia wet.

“Yes sir? What can I do for you?”

“I just wanted to make sure you got the pictures the boys made.”

“I did. They are great thank you. I love all the little arts and crafts projects. I keep them in a scrap book at home. So when they get older and start to date I have embarrassing photo ammo.”

Chris couldn’t stand it anymore. The natural scent of Tia’s body and the smell of shower gel was intoxicating Chris. Tia noticed that his pupils had gone dark. Also that an erection was growing under his pajama pants. As much as she would like to ride that ride she couldn’t. She shouldn’t, ‘too much on the line’ she thought to herself.

“Well if that is all I think I will turn in. I’m going to have to answer for my absence at last night’s dinner to our mini parliament in the morning. Ill need my sleep for that.” Tia let out a nervous giggle. Chris moved his hands across his pants rubbing his erection. Not breaking eye contact with Tia he took a step closer and placed his arms around her waist. Tia was very much caught off guard, but she wasn’t going to pull away. She had always been curious about Chris. Chris licked his lips, and moved one hand up to Tia’s breast. Massaging it wanting to expose it to the cool crisp air to get its reaction. He wanted her mouth on his. He rubbed for her nipple through the thick fabric of the robe. And even through the thickness he could feel her nipple hardening. Tia made a bold move and moved her hand to his erection. Tracing the length of it with two fingers.

As she looked back up into Chris eyes she knew what was going to happen and she welcomed it. She placed her other hand on his face to move him closer to hers. So close they could feel the heat pass from one mouth to the other. As Chris moved his head, for his mouth to take hers she opened slightly for him. He crashed his mouth on hers, pulling her closer to him. The kiss was different, fireworks is not a grand enough word. Tia broke the kiss for air. She tried to step back, but Chris grip was still firm. She smiled at him and as she motioned for him to join her, an unsuspecting voice broke through the silence. They released each other immediately and looked to see where the voice came from. It was Henry, half asleep and on his way to the restroom. He didn’t even notice them really, just counting his steps.

“I better go make sure he makes it.” Chris spoke surveying Tia’s face searching for something he wasn’t sure of.

“Of course we don’t want any accidents in the hall. Good night your majesty.”

“Chris. And I plan on finishing this conversation.”

“Chris, I would love that. Good night, and kiss the little one for me.”

As Tia stepped back and motioned to close her door, Chris stepped in and pulled her forward taking another passionate kiss from her. His tongue danced with hers, she moved her hands to his face to get a grip on her situation. She broke the kiss and looked at him.

“Yes I would certainly love to finish this convo. Good night Chris.”

Tia playfully and gently pushed him out of the room with two of her fingers. Once he was fully out she shut and locked the door. Taking her first deep inhale since he had knocked. She stumbled to bed on a passion high and fell straight to sleep. After Chris made sure Henry made it back to his room. He was again faced with the same dilemma as earlier. ‘Do I knock and see what happens? I want her, Its just… Maybe… not yet.’ As Chris began walking back to his chambers he had a devilish grin on his face.

‘Not yet but soon.’

@sergeantmistress @myluvislikewow @devikafernando @daisykane535 @theycallmebecca @toc1985 @smilexcaptainx @thaniya82 @emilyevanston @evansscruff

If I missed you it wasnt on purpose send me a message and I’ll add you to the tag!

[cyincalangels]

a final goodbye

as a warning, this is going to be all my thoughts and emotions in one long post. a post i never even thought i would have to make. when i first made this page, i wanted to show this to you at a bigger milestone in a relationship, i wasnt sure what that was going to be or when that was going to happen to be honest. but here we are, at our final milestone. parts of me also never really wanted to show or mention this page to you. but in all honesty, this makes it easier for me to recognize and acknowledge what im feeling and being able to come back and see how my feelings and thoughts have grown or may have changed. i read through all the posts ive written to double check if these are even worth showing you. and i still think they are. i still feel the same way in each post ive written. and i think ill always feel the same way, even after you’re no longer a huge role in my life. i was hurting after i read through all the posts because 1. ive never written things about other people like that. i never even write my feelings out like that 2. i always felt at peace almost after writing each post. each post made me more grateful for you. and dont get me wrong, its not like i only wrote these posts when i was happy, i only wrote when i remembered or made time. there should have been waaaay more posts than there really are. so ill try to make it fit in this one. and 3. im scared ill never really be able to feel like this about a person again. or at least want to be vulnerable anytime soon. again, i never really felt this way about someone. so it definitely hurts having to sit here and write this. i hurt because i know this is my fault. i dont need you to accept or validate anything in this post or what ive done and i dont need you to say it wasnt my fault. ive come to terms that a lot of this was caused by my baggage i failed to heal on my own, which eventually ended in me basically neglecting you and taking you for granted. ive honestly had to stop and cry and recollect myself several times in writing this so it may be all over the place. im also really sorry if this is way too much for you and if this is nowhere near how you felt about me.

i can thank you in a million ways for how you have impacted my life in the very short four months ive known and got the chance to experience you. you were the first and only person who really made the effort to want to get to know me and learn about me. its taught me to be vulnerable and be okay with sharing myself and my stories with others. it showed to me that some people actually still care about what made me, me. i think thats what really intrigued me the most about you. you like stories and you wanted to hear mine. and i wanted to share and experience some of my life story with you. but now all i really have of the memories that remind me of you.

you also exposed to me a lot of my own trauma that needs to be fixed. it was a hard and ugly truth i had to accept about myself and still trying to process it all now. you were strong enough to stand up for yourself and realize that youve had enough of all my baggage. that was probably one of the most humbling moments ive had in a long time because i mean yeah, people leave me for reasons, but it didnt affect me like how this did. it really woke me up to realize that i need to stop making excuses for my trauma. i cant just rely on attention to make it go away. maybe because i tried so hard (at least in my head) to do things to make you stay and i forced us to change to make it work. when ive always known that i cant control or force someone or something to stay. thank you for forcing me to want to work on myself. for me now. 

i know i spent a lot of time talking about me and not enough about you. i asked you today and you said you never needed much from me and for some reason, i felt like i failed you. because you did not need much and i couldnt even give that to you. although i kept asking and telling you what i needed and what works for me and i just wanted you to listen, i couldnt even do the same. i wanted change in a relationship its like i wanted to help change you to be better for me but i couldnt even change myself to be the best for you. i didnt want to accept that the change that was needed, was in me instead. i guess you were right when you kept asking if i was ready for you. because now looking back at it all, there is still so much work for me to do. 

i really went through all five stages at grief today. almost all at once. one second ill be okay and productive and really accepting of what i have to do from now on. but it could be seconds later where i think of you and suddenly bust into tears because i can no longer have access to you and no longer have you in my life. i thought to myself, “wow, i didnt think the last time i saw him was really THE last time ill probably ever see him again. ill never be able to hold his hand, hug or big spoon him, rub his back, or even scratch his head again.” all weird little things, but all things that i can never do again. i was more angry and disappointed with myself because my passion and emotions cost me someone i genuinely loved and cared about. it pushed someone away. again. i neglected you and let you slip away. i always had a feeling you’d leave me, i just didnt hope it was so soon. im going to miss you so much. beyond what words can explain. but even though i was upset or needed more when i wasnt physically with you, the second youd pick me up from the airport, all of that went away. being there with you made me forget what even makes me upset in the first place. i always appreciated every moment i got to spend with you. i was never bored. i was never tired of you. i never wished to be anywhere else than with you. 

theres so many things i regret that we couldnt experience together like how we hoped we could. like we couldnt go out anywhere together. you couldnt meet my people, even though they really wanted to. and i couldnt meet your people either. im actually really sad and hurt we couldnt travel or take a trip together. i was really looking forward to it because i know how much it meant for you to travel with your partner. theres so many things i wanted to do with you because i really enjoyed your presence and just wanted to share stories with you. but we couldnt experience a normal part of a relationship because of whats going on in the world. maybe that wouldve changed some things, but also it doesnt matter now. 

i wish i wouldve told you sooner. about how i really felt. not sure if that wouldve changed our situation much and what that would mean. but i never really would have thought i would fall in love with someone through an iphone screen. and i never expected you to feel the same, which may be a reason why i was always too scared to say it out loud to you. just know that i meant every word that i have ever said to you. ill still deadass ride or die for you. still support you. still always be here for you. still be a rock for you while the world is falling apart. still got your back, front, side, whatever you need. still be a call or text away. still be a nike plug if you need more shorts (or clothes and shoes in general). i could never hate you for this or for anything. i know all this is probably super dramatic for the four months ive known you, but i can promise you that this is nothing like ive experienced in a good way. i really do love you, camilo. and i knew for many weeks now. im sorry it had to come out this way. im sorry our story ended a lot sooner than we (mostly i) expected. i promise that ill still stay true to everything ive told you and promise to you that ill go to therapy for myself. please take good care of yourself. of all aspects of yourself please. i hope i can still count on you in the future. i love you. ill always keep praying for you. xoxoxo

ps this took me about two hours to write. and i might write more on here if i ever feel the creative need to release anytime soon, if youre curious to see later. 

[unessesarysecretdiary-blog]

time to start a new beginning....

Thoughts: April 16, 2016 My inner Gypsy. - I kind of want to take a semester off of school and just do youtube for a while. I think that its not a waste of time. its actually gonna benefit my career. I hope my career goes the way i want it to. Yes, i do want to be famous, but for entertainment. I like to see people laugh and i want that to by my job. I want to travel the world and help people. I want to not focus on stressful school, im not good at it. even if i try. I was never good at school. I guess God want me to go a different rout. I dont want to be  stuck at hime. I want to just work and travel the world while Im still young. If you think about it, I dont really have to go to school in order to become an actress. This year, im gonna audition to a lot of tv shows. I want to do more youtube, i want to travel with my friends. I dont want to go to school anymore. Its a waste of time. I want to start producing and acting. Im tired of waiting, i know im still young. But im only gonna live this life once, I could die at any time. I would rather experience the best while i can and worry about nothing. My inner gypsy wants to come out. A lot of celebrities didn’t go to school, or they dropped out. why can’t i ? They were normal people that just wanted their dreams come true.

Thoughts: april 17,2016 Men over Boys - Well, today I’ve decided that Im not gonna let a guy control me. By control meaning putting them first over anyone. Ive decided that my friends will always be there no matter what. They would be with me through thick and thin. I want my friends to be the first to see if the guy  i introduce them to is okay for my family to meet. I want that man that always is going to be happy to talk to me. I want that man that won’t get mad if I hang out with my friends. I want that man that doesn’t care if I make stupid videos on the internet. I want a man that can laugh at my jokes. At my stupid comments and I want him to make me feel comfortable doing these videos. That doesn’t take fun of me for making them. I want him to be my number one fan ! I want a man that cares for me. That doesn’t make me feel confused. I dont want to wonder if he’s with another girl, if he’s talking to another girl. I dont want him to make me feel special. I dont want a Brandon aka a boy.

Thoughts: May 19,2016 New Life Style - Well, I’ve decided that i want a new life style. Starting next month June 2016  I will become vegan. I will be working out everyday. I will make my happiness be first. I will be uploading videos every Sunday. I will save money. I will make sure that I’m more positive with myself. I will make sure that my future is bright. I will make whoever is around me happy and make them laugh. I will help others with problems. I won’t let anyone get in my way! I will follow my dreams and I will pursuit them! I will let my viewers know what is going on in my life. I will NOT let boys get through my head. I will keep my head high and make the guys fall for me, but I wont fall for them. I will make sure that I have fun with my young life. I will be CONFIDENT ! POSITIVE ! and be FREE ! Believe in yourself !

Thoughts: May 27,2016 What My Summer To Be Like 1. Work out everyday 2. Eat healthy 3. Drink nothing but tea or water 4. Go on adventures/ Explore all of San Diego 5. Make youtube videos 6. Make MONEY !

Thoughts: May 29, 2016 9:45pm keep it to yourself - If you don’t have anything nice to say… shut up. no one asked for your fucking opinion. No one cares if you think something thats dark and scary isn’t your thing. Its my thing. Like shut up dude. Everyone has their own creativity and older people tend to judge more than people that are my age. So what if i have colored hair, tattoos, and piercings. So what if i want to cover my body with tattoos. So what if i want to color my hair different colors? Whats it to you ? Its my body, its my hair I can do whatever I want to it. If you want to do something… just do it. Don’t let others tell you that you look dumb or ugly because you are beautiful. NO MATTER WHAT ! be yourself, Be who you want to be ! Have fun and do whatever you want ! Thoughts: June 7, 2016 I guess?????? - I guess that I still like him. I guess that I’m not over him as I thought I was. I always think of him. I always want to know what he’s doing. I always want to know where he’s at. I always want to know if he’s thinking of me. I want to move on, but I can’t? Idk I wish I would just not think of him. I wish that when I saw him my heart wouldn’t drop to my stomach and I start shaking. I wish I never got nervous around him. I wish I didn’t care, but I do. I love him? I think? I don’t know how you feel that. I guess I’m slowly killing myself without actually doing it. I love someone that doesn’t love me back and it hurts. My heart is broken and I’m a broken soul. I wish I didn’t meet him, but I don’t regret anything I didi with him. All the memories we had… I keep replaying them in my head over and over. I hate myself for it because I can’t stop comparing everyone I meet to you. I can’t stop thinking about you. I have you, I love you. I want you, but I will never go down that path. You broke my heart and Its killing me. I want to know how you feel, what you are thinking and what you want. I wish I knew you were going to be the one who broke me. I never cried over anyone, until you walked my path and tripped me. You made me fall and I didn’t want to. I tried to catch myself and knowing that you were bad for me, Yet, I still let you play with me physically and mentally. I was happy with you, but were you happy with me? What made you think that I wasn’t worth your time. You wanted to be friends, yet you would kiss me? What kind of friendship is that? I guess you were a mistake, a lesson, a fuck boy…my first love. I got too attached and I guess you didn’t feel that way, but its okay because someone will feel the same with me. Someone will be worth my time and my love. You didn’t deserve it. You just destroyed it and I’m stupid for letting you. Knowing that you just wanted to be “friends”. You confused me, you were something else. Like I said… you’re just a boy, not a man.

Thoughts : June 9, 2016 What Does This Mean ? - So, last night I had a weird dream with brandon in it. We hung out and you know we were laughing as usual. I was outside with him and then I saw alejandro come over with his dog toby. I was like omg my baby is here and brandon got jealous and said you have boyfriend now? I was like yeah, i do. he’s great and he treats me like a princess. Brandon was like oh. well i guess i should leave ? i was like thanks for the brownie ill talk to you later yeah ? he was like sure. Then i guess idk how this happened, but i ended up being in brandon car high and we started making out and then you know what happens after every kiss. I don’t know what this means ? Was it just a memory that i had with him and me wanting to move on ? Cause I do, but idk if I can feel this way about anyone like I did with him? THIS IS DIFFICULT ! Like I see potential in Alejandro and he’s nice and whatever, but idk if I’m ready for anything rn. or maybe i just want dick. probably both. I would date alejandro, but uhhhhh idk… I also remember hugging him. It was a hug that we knew it was the end and we both cried.

thoughts: June 17, 2016 Life… - So many deaths happened this past week. I literally have no words. I don’t know what to think, Im so shocked about what this world has come to. I think that I like girls too. Ive always felt like this,but I don’t think I will ever be with a girl. Or who knows. Maybe in the future. Life goes throughout many rollercoasters and we don’t know when it will go down. Or when it will go up. I just want this world to be equal and everyone loves each other no matter what. Some people need love and some people need to feel like someone is there for them too, but they don’t get that. EVERYONE IS THE SAME !  no matter what. though thick and thin, people need to come together as ONE. Life is worth living and who cares if someone is judging you. They’re just scared to come out to the world. Some people need to stop and think whats more important my happiness or someone else happiness? it should always be your happiness over anyone else. BE SELFISH. BE STRONG. BE YOU.

Confession : August 15, 2016 Brandon? It’s currently 1:08AM. I can’t stop thinking of Brandon. I just hung out with him last night… we went to watch suicide squad. We just cuddled and honestly, Im in love with this kid. I hate that I love him so much. I just can’t resist myself when I’m with him. He makes me happy and I’ve never felt like this over someone. I just don’t think we’er right for each other. He’s moving to point Loma and that’s kinda far. When he told me I kinda wanted to cry cause I could just picture him with different girls and it broke my heart. I just don’t want to let him go. I love him too much to let him go. I can’t help that I’m in love with this boy. I love his sent, I love the way he laughs, I love the way he smiles, the way he looks at me, the way that he tries to be cute with me, the way he lays his head on me when he’s tired, the way that he’s not afraid to be himself around me, I love how he can talk to me about anything, the way that he plays music, how open he is with me, his sense of humor, the way his heart beats faster when i lay on him, I  just love him. I know that we will be life long friends and we will always have that connection somehow. I want to be with him. I think that he feels the same way, but won’t admit to it or I could be wrong.  I just want to be with him 24/7. I want to laugh with him. I want him to hold my hand. I want him to hold me. I want to feel his kisses. I want to feel everything that we had when we would go out. I want to go to family parties with him. I want him to be involved in my life and I want to be involved in his too. I want to have something that would last forever with brandon. I love him and I don’t care what others think of him. I will always love him and he will always have a special place in my heart no matter how much I say that I hate him. I love you brandon and I can’t help myself for falling in your trap over and over again. You’ll never read this, but someone had to know. I just want us to have happy moments and I know that we will always have happy moments together. I just want to remember us laughing at the stupidest things. You laughing at me because I’m stupid. Me laughing at you because you do something weird. I want to look at the stars and you being there next to me, just like we used to. I miss us. I miss people telling us that we look happy because whenever I’m with you I’m happy.You make me happy… When I think of you I cry, knowing that we won’t ever be again. I still get nervous when I see you. When you text me I respond as fast as I can. When you snapchat me it makes my day. Knowing that you called me makes me happy because you’re thinking of me. You basically know everything about me. I know everything about you. You’re my best friend. Theres not a day that I don’t think of you. I just think of the times we would kiss at every traffic light. When you would hold my hand driving. When your eyes sparkle from the moon light. I love you Brandon Thomas Desloover. You will forever be in my heart. I’m just crazy over you. If I could talk about you to anyone I would. I will do anything for him. I’m crazy for him, but I know that he will break my heart. It sucks because I know that he will. I know that I can’t fall into that trap anymore. I know that he’s no good for me. I know that he doesn’t feel the same. I know that he’s my first love and I know he broke it. I can’t help, but cry. I’m a fool and I’m stupid because I fell in love with someone who doesn’t love me back. I hate myself.

Thoughts: August 29,2016 5 years Its been 5 years since my dad passed. I haven’t cried or felt any emotion for it. I know I should cry, but I just can’t. Like how do i feel about this situation? I really don’t know. I feel numb towards it. I look at his picture everyday, but i just smile at him. I miss my dad. I miss his laugh. I miss him… now I’m crying. All my emotions are coming out finally. I know i shouldn’t keep it in, but I don’t want people knowing I’m weak. I love my dad and he knows that I do. I wish he was here, but its okay cause i know he is… just not physically. No one talks about it in my family. Everyone just stays quiet or is in their room. I remember those hard months that i would try to keep it in, but i just couldn’t so i just cried. I had a tough life. I think everyone does, but thats what they call life. I just wish my dad was here. I miss him. I want to hold him again. I miss you dad. I love you. Thank you for all you have done. I appreciate everything you did for us. I know that i didn’t show it at all, but i really did.

Thoughts: August 30, 2016 Him Again It will always be you. No matter what, I will always want to be with you. You will always be in my heart, mind and I don’t mind it. I just want you to know that ill be there for you no matter what. I will always be him. When I get in the car with you. i just think of the memories we have together. The laughs, the arguments when you were confused. The feels are and will always be there, at least it will of me. I just get so happy when i talk to you. My mood goes up and I can’t stop smiling. I just want you to know that i do love you.  I just want to lay next to you. I just want to be with you. I miss you, I want you to see how much you hurt me. You’re no good for me and Im no good for you. We’er no good for each other. We can’t, but we both want to. You make my life so much easier. You make me want to succeed.

Thoughts Sep. 1, 2016 21 reasons 1. I can’t be in a relationship 2. I get bored of the same person fast 3. I can’t be cute 4. I can’t be normal 5. I don’t know how to be in a relationship 6. I don’t think I’m dateable 7. I don’t think I can be with someone for too long 8. If my friendships can’t last, I don’t know if a boyfriend would 9. I want to be in a relationship 10. I always get the wrong boys 11. I get attached too quick 12. I move too fast 13. I want to skip the getting to know each other 14. I want that love movie type of love 15. It only happens in movies 16. No one likes me 17. I don’t think I’m worthy of a relationship 18. I seek love, but don’t know how to get it 19. You’re the only reason, but you don’t want too 20. I love you, but you don’t love me… 21. I’m hurt, but can’t let go.

cont… same day, same time I don’t know if I should tell him. I want to say “ I love you, but you don’t love me and its okay…” Just saying this out loud made me have butterflies and made my heart skip a beat.

Thoughts: September 3, 2016       question mark? Unmmmm the other day I was on the phone with brandon & he was acting weird... No, being a jerk. I didn't appreciate that. I hate him dude. I can't wait until he moves ! I'll be like BYE BITCH! I do love him, but I don't like the way he acts sometimes. He needs to stop with the attitude. He's so annoying. I hate him. I don't want to be with someone like him. I just wish he was different, but I can't change people. Sadly. Guess I really do have to move on. I don't need this in my life and he's too much to even try this thing we have going on. I don't think we're right for eachother. Its okay that you don’t feel the same because I don’t want you to be forced to say it back…. I just love you.

Thoughts: September 5, 2016 Meh. I saw him today. I just felt nervous, but it all went away after a while. I just get nervous for no reason. I do love him. I do shake of how nervous I get. I don’t know it just kinda bothers me that I get nervous. He’s funny, but I don’t know. He’s always in my mind and heart. I can’t stop him form not being there. I can’t stop him for being in my life. He chooses to be in it i guess… I don’t know. I saw him looking at me though the corner of my eye, but I just kinda ignored him. *SELF FIVE* I’m just gonna go on with my life. Whatever happens… happens right?

Thoughts: September 6, 2016 Scared, but its okay. I think I’m depressed. I think Im deeply sad inside. I’ve been getting sad too much and it sucks. I don’t know what to do anymore. Like I get excited for whats coming in my future, but I’m scared its not gonna happen. Im scared that I won’t go though it. Im scared that I will fail. Im terrified of failure. I’ve always failed in my life and I don’t know how to stop it. I think everyone is scared of failure though. Everyone doesn’t know what they want. Everyone doesn’t think they’re gonna make it, but its okay because we live and we learn. Life is about failure. Life is about Succeeding. Life is about Learning. You can do this. You can fail if you want. Its okay.

Thoughts: September 11, 2016 Sounds Live Feels Live I saw them on friday Sep. 9th and it was the best night of my existence !! I didn’t want that night to end !! I miss them so much ! Im definitely gonna have PCD until The heirs sept. 24 ! I love life so much right now ! Im having fun and living !! Im so happy that I went to see 5 seconds of summer ! It was so much fun ! I had the time of my life and i cant stop thinking about them ! I LOVE 5SOS !!! FOREVER AND EVER <3

Thoughts: October 15, 2016 Someone Different ? Someone different is coming in my life. Someone different is changing me. Someone different is making me happy. Someone different treats me like a princess. Someone different is funnier. Someone different supports me. Someone different make my heart skip a beat. Someone different makes me forget you.  Someone different is making me forget you. Someone different, I can’t stop thinking about them.  Someone different is better than you.  Someone BETTER is in  my life. Someone better is changing me. Someone better is making me happy.  Someone better treats me like a princess. Someone better is funnier. Someone better supports me. Someone better makes my heart skip a beat. Someone better makes me forget you. Someone better makes me forget you. Someone better, I can’t stop thinking about them. Someone better is different than you. I’m glad that someone is in my life now, something you couldn’t do. But you will always have a piece of my heart. I still love you, I still care, I still want you.

Thoughts: November 6, 2016 Here We Go Again. Christian, you will NEVER EVER read this, but this is for me and only me. You make my heart skip a beat when I see you. You give me butterflies when we kiss. You make me smile when I look at you. You always make me laugh. You make me feel happy. I haven’t felt happy in a while. I want this feeling to be long term. I want to be with you. I want you and only you. I don’t care about the past, I don’t care about anything that you and I had with anyone. I just want our future together. The beginning has just begun for both of us.

Thoughts: November 15, 2016 NEW PLAN AND IT’S FOR REAL here we go new plan and its for real dude no slacking !! you got this !! 1. go to school for only acting and film classes 2. YOUTUBE ! 3. get a camera 4. acting agent 5. move to L.A. 6. CALARTS   7. DISNEY PRODUCTIONS 8.  Travel the world !!!

Thoughts: November 18,2015 I think I think I love you, but I don’t know what love is. I dont know if you’re here for a lesson or true love. I dont know if I would ever live without you. I dont know if i could survive without you. I dont know if I want to be with you forever. I dont know if you’re the one, but I think you are ere for a reason. A reason why I should believe in myself, believe in you, believe in us. You’re not like the others that I have been with. You’re better than them. You’re the best i could ever have. maybe one day ill see you with someone else and i know i won’t be okay with it, but ill deal with i. you’re my best friend and i hope you will for a long time. I just want you to be happy and you make me happy. I love you as a best friend. maybe even more. someday ill be yours and i hope to be yours for a while. Ill do anything for you and that what i tend to do. Ill take care of you and ill be with you until you dont need me anymore. It could be with a little bit or time or a long time. I dont mind. I want you and only you. I miss you when you’re not around. i want you near me at all times. i could maybe… i think.. idk i love you.

Thoughts : November 23, 2016 C... You see you make me happy. You make me smile. You make me think that we could be together for a long time. You make me realize that theres other people that can change my mind. You made me realize that the past is the past and you made me realize that i didn’t love him. I was just hung up on someone that I really liked. But I realized that I like you. You want to be with me. You’re not scared to show me off. You’re not afraid to say that I’m you girl. What I mostly like about you is that you have ambition, dreams and your personality is my favorite. Your eyes, your laugh, your voice, your lips… just you christian.You make me the girl I am right now. I may be a hopeless romantic, but I don’t see myself with anyone else. I like you christian. Maybe even more than like. I dont know. I may have felt this way towards someone, but i always have second thoughts. With you, I don’t have second thoughts. Maybe its too soon for me to think this because we dont know the future, but you are different. You’re heart and soul are just like mine.

Thoughts: November 25, 2016 The Rain Song Looking back at the old things that I said about Brandon is pretty interesting. It’s interesting because I no longer feel that way. Its so funny how I was so hung up on you and now I’m sitting here typing on my laptop thinking… “why? he was a jerk…yeah every now and then he did some nice things, but not like christian”. Christian… now he’s different. Christian gives me butterflies when I think about him. He makes me smile even though he’s not around. He makes me happy and I get excited when I see him. I never what to loose this feeling. I’m smiling just thinking about him. I know he won’t hurt me and I will never hurt him. I know he’s here for a while and Im glad that he is. Yeah, arguing and fighting is bound to happen, but nothing too extreme… I hope. No one has treated me like he has. He’s the best Ive ever had. Its hard to explain my feelings towards him because Im not used to saying my feelings I tend to hide them, which isn’t good. He cares for me and I care for him. All those things he said to me yesterday, made me realize that I do care for him a lot and I like him a lot… I don’t know about love cause Ive never had it, but if its how I feel right now then maybe i do.

Thoughts: November 29,2016 Dear Christian,      I'm writing this because I can't stop thinking about you. I keep getting butterflies and my heart is skipping beats. I haven't felt this way for anyone in a long time! I still get nervous when We go out...you may not notice, but I really do. I try to hide it from you. You also make me feel something I've never felt before and I really don't know what it is.  I want to show you how much i care about you. I usually can’t say how i feel about someone because Im weird about feelings like that, but you truly are the best. I just want to tell you that I have strong feelings for you and I do believe were together for a reason. I think that reason is for us to be happy. I love how we understand each other and were there for each other. You truly are someone that I am going to keep in my life for a while. Im glad that you’re in my life. You’re amazing. You’re caring. I know forever isn’t something thats real, but I wouldn’t mind being with you forever. You’ll always be in my heart no matter what. Im always thinking about you and i just smile at nothing. People may think Im crazy and they could be right… I am crazy, but in a good way because Im crazy about you. I know its cheesy, but i don’t know how to express my feelings towards you. You make me happy and i care a lot for you. I will do anything for you and like i said I will be there to care and possibly maybe even  love you. The reason I said that Im scared that you’re gonna hurt me that one night was because Ive never been in love. Love is a terrifying thing for me, but I wouldn’t mind getting hurt by you. Love is a rollercoaster and so far this is a fun roller coaster that I don’t want to get off from. I love you… I think. I dont know what love is, but i think its what I feel for you. There I said it I love you Christian. I love you so much that Im getting nervous just writing this. I dont know how you’re gonna react, but Im just gonna wait to say it until you say it first. I just want to let you know that I will never hurt you. If I do, I’m sorry. I dont mean anything that I say that makes you mad. I want you to be happy and always have a smile on your face. Im scared that Im gonna hurt you even if i said i won’t. Im scared that you’re gonna hurt me even if you said you won’t, but I’m just scared of this feeling that i have for you. Im scared, but if you do end up breaking my heart… i dont think i would remember the bad moments. I think i will remember the happy moments that we’ve had. Youre such a dork i love it. You’re a beautiful soul christian. You’re the best I’ve ever had. Im glad that its you. I care for you a lot… so much that it hurts me when you’re hurt. Thats why I like to ask you what you’re thinking about because I want to know everything that you think of… the good and the bad. I want to know how you feel and think. you make me happy and i know that sometimes i dont say much of how i feel and thats because i dont know what to say or show it. Well, one day you’ll ready this, but it won’t be anytime soon. You are my first love and Im glad its you. I love you christian.

Thoughts : December 1, 2016 Without you I dont ever want to be without you. I want you to be with me at all times. I want you to be safe. I care for you. It hurts me when you’re sad, angry and hurt. I love you... you'll always be in my hear no matter what. You'll always be remembered by me. We may not know the future, but if we ever end up on bad terms... just remember the good days. I want to say sorry in advance just in case I hurt you. I don't ever what to, but we're not perfect. We're human. We make mistakes sometimes we have to learn how to forgive and forget.

December 13, 2016 I told you I told you that I loved you… Im scared because I don’t want to get hurt. I love you so much it hurts.. I miss you when you’re gone. I don’t know why Im crying so much. I just get emotional when I think of you. I get all my feelings balled up and I just cry.

December 19, 2016 It is what it is.. I told you that I loved you, but now that I think about it… Im not in love with you. I do care for you and I do love you, but I know I can do better. You were right… you do need time to think about yourself and what you  need to do in life. I thought that I could help you, but I can’t baby you all the time. Im getting tired of acting like I’m your mother. i feel like you don’t appreciate anything I do for you. I want to feel like a girlfriend or someone that you truly care about. I just feel like I’m just a friend and I know thats what you tell people, but what kind of friends are we ? i know your family, I keep in contact with them… like ????? I guess I’m just over thinking like i always do. You need to hang out with your friends and not ditch them to hang out with me. I dont want that to happen cause one day We might not be a thing and you’re not gonna have anyone. I love you and I do care for you, but dont push people aside for me.

January 15, 2017 Im done. IM STARTING FRESH. Im done. Im over dating people for now. Its time to focus  on myself and not worry about anyone else ! I think this is the year when i actually work out and start to do things for myself. AUDITIONS, YOUTUBE, TRAVELING HERE I COME ! I know that you’re ready for your dreams to come true ! DO IT KARINA ! YOU GOT THIS GIRL ! You can do it ! I know you can ! WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF AND NO ONE ELSE !!! BE HAPPY AND BE PROUD ! DONT LET ANYONE BRING YOU DOWN OR STRESS YOU OUT ! NO MORE ! NO MORE MR.NICE GUY ! FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS AND NEVER STOP DREAMING ! last year was the year of heart break, but not this year. forget the past focus on your future and your dreams. MAKE THEM COME TRUE! if others can do it so can you. dont let fear bring you down

Thoughts: January 29,2017 Do you I really just want to do my own thing this year. I mean yeah I have friends but I just wanna to do YouTube ! I don't wanna go to college anymore. I wanna focus on YouTube and just YouTube ! I wanna explore things and figure things out on my own. My mom makes me feel like I can't do anything and that I'm not gonna make my dreams come true. I want to accomplish what I told myself 2 years ago ! I don't wanna be scared anymore. I actually want to audition for things and actually start acting in things. I want to do it and I'm gonna do it ! Fuck school I'm not going. Why stress over somethng I dont wanna do ? Im tired of being forced to follow societies rules. I dont wanna go to school. Im not gonna go. I want to move to LA and live the life there. Im tired of just dreaming. I want them to come true. - [ ] Thoughts: February 5, 2015 MY MISTAKE I fell in love with the wrong person. I fell in love with Brandon. He will always be in my heart no matter what. Its been a year and it sucks ! I tried to move on, but I couldn’t cause I would constently would think of brandon. Its no ones fault that I feel like this. I love him… I miss him and it sucks cause I want him back.

Thoughts: March 7, 2017 Dear mom,     Mom I wish we had a better relationship. I know we don't communicate at all. I know you do things that are best for us, but you never listen to what I want to do, you just assume things and honestly i wish you would just open up your mind and listen to me. Let me live my dreams and support me and how I want to achieve it. I just wish you would understand. The reason I took this semester off was because I wanted to focus on YouTube and do that while I work and figure out what I really want to do with my life. I can't do that when you're on my ear telling me to pay $400 of rent that's too much ! If I'm gonna pay that much then I would rather move out where I can do wherever I want. I don't wanna move to banning, but at this point I feel like I'm forced to move there because it's too much. I'm gonna go back to school, I just wanted this semester off. What I really want is to work on our relationship, for you to understand and listen to what I want.

Thoughts : March 19, 2017 Looking Back. Now that I haven’t spoken to you in a while I think back and honestly, I feel nothing anymore. Yeah, i think about you, but its just a thought. I don’t feel anything. For a couple seconds I do miss you and I feel sad, but then I think back on everything I did for you. You did nothing for me. I didn’t want much, I just felt like I did everything in the relationship. Like I was the guy not the girl. I took care of you like you were my husband, but you weren’t even my boyfriend. You were my “Friend” as you call it. Once that “friendship” was over and I even asked you what we were you wanted me back, but you didn’t realize that you were too late. I dropped all my feeling for you and I feel nothing now. I feel gross just thinking about you. Just writing and listening to this stupid song you told me to listen to makes me angry. You made me feel guilty because I didn’t want you back. Because I didn’t want to be with you when you wanted me. I hate you Christian Rivas. Honestly, you’re a piece of shit. You’re fake and you follow other peoples dreams and claim them your own. You nothing, but a loser. Your mom was right about you, I could do better.

thoughts: March 25, 2016 Take it easy   Sometimes I don't know how much I can handle. Sometimes I don't know if I can handle everything in my life right now. I just wish there was someone that could help me. I wish that I could do everything that I think I can do. I wish I had someone that could help me. I wish that I was just like everyone else. They have both their parents. They have help. I don't have anyone. I have myself. That's all I have and it's hard. It's hard when all your friends have help from their parents. They can do whatever they want. They can go out and they don't have a worry in the world. I just wish I was in the same situation. It sucks when you don't have help from anyone. It's party of growing up I guess. I don't know I guess every life is different. Some are lucky and some just aren't. I guess I'm just one of the unlucky ones. The ones that have to struggle for a bit of success. It would work out in the end I guess. I'll have my dream and everyone that didn't believe in me...well i guess they can suck it. I'll be traveling and having fun while they live in a office job for the rest of their life. I'll prove them wrong. I'll prove them that I can do it. I'll prove it and I'll rub it in their faces. Just wait and see. People think I have potential and those people I'm gonna help out. I wanna throw up from all the stress in my life right now. I just feel depressed and worn out. I just want to kill myself sometimes. I just lay in my room and just cry. I just want to be alone. I just want to die at times. Idk I just feel like I can't Handel life. I can't do it. It's difficult and I don't want to do it. I just wanna be gone and be done. I don't have any plans other than entertainment. Is that my purpose ? To entertain people? To make others happy? When deeply I'm sad?

thoughts: May 8, 2017 Why? Its so funny cause when I try to move on, you’re still there. If you would tell me to hang out ill say yes in a heart beat. Idk what this feeling is, but I want you at the same time I dont.

Thoughts : June 3, 2017 Not like the movies My love for you isn’t like the movies. Its different, its a love hate thing. Its like i want to be with you, but I dont want anyone to be with you. I want you to be mine and mine only, but i dont want you. Its complicated. this love is not like the movies. I dont know why I can’t be with anyone else. I can’t, I wish i could ,but you’re all i think of. I just wish it was the same with you. I want to be with you and only you. Why do I feel this way ?

[survivordivergent]

EPISODE 4 - “I WANT TO REACH MY GOATENTIAL” - GEO

Welcome to Survivor Divergent, where's it's 14 inactive people and 6 people actually playing

I'm pretty damn busy today grading final assignments, and I'm pretty sure my frustration yesterday was enough to paint a target on me going forward, but I don't much care. This tribe's work ethic is for shit. I don't belong here. I can't just sit back and not do things. Ed can't, either, because it's such a deep-seated belief of mine that it permeates through him too. Not submitting things is just not my speed.

What pisses me off more than anything is that so far, I've been the only one to put in any concrete work. Percy got the theme based on a writing prompt. Payton's been offering suggestions. Dani's offered to do both the poster and the write-up. Meanwhile, I did the poster (deliberately at a level below what I know I can do, because I've been saying all along that I'm not good with Photoshop.) I did the write-up. Last time I felt so alone in one of these creative challenges, my tribe lost and I was the one sent packing at the next tribal council.

It's bullshit. I hate it I hate it I hate it. And while I love the people on this tribe based on our limited interactions, Peter can fuck off back to the inactivity pool from whence he came. Lucy can find a clue while she's busy finding a last name. And Geo... man, Geo is the biggest disappointment of all, only because we've SEEN what he can do. And it's like he's choosing not to do it. I get that we all have lives and that we're all super busy. I'm running myself so ragged that I'm going to hibernate clear through the holidays.

But that's the key difference: you make time if it matters to you. And if this game doesn't matter to anyone else, why should it matter to me? More importantly, if I get to jury, where's my motivation to vote for any of these people who couldn't — or wouldn't — step up when they're needed?

This is frustrating. I miss Megara Tribe. I miss Bondoso Tribe. I even miss Drohend Tribe. I like tribes that work hard, like each other and trust each other as a result. And this tribe fits maybe one of those three criteria. It sucks.

Six: The amount of posts in our tribe chat per day. God damn.

I'm pretty sure the hosts hate six. Like.

On 12/18/16, at 12:09 AM, Payton Rodriguez wrote: > also, y’all are rigging this against the 90% inactive tribe

On 12/18/16, at 12:10 AM, Payton Rodriguez wrote: > its not mine and ed’s fault that the rest of them are flops like if we went offline for three days the world would fall apart and you know it

no, i dont think they're actively rigging. i think my tribemates are sabatoging and we're not gonna have fucking numbers going into merge. sluts.

Okay so it's been a while, let's see if I can catch up. Last time I made a confessional I was stuck on trying to find the Erudite idol. I was so frustrated, and then we lost reward. I didn't want there to be a chance that someone from Six would find the idol, since the clues stack, so I panicked and asked Melissa for help. She figured it out in 2 seconds bc stupid me doesn't know the alphabet or how to count. Ugh. So we work through the next few pages, and then we get stuck again. But after looking at it for a few minutes, I realized I needed to use the keypad on a telephone to get the next word, and I figured it out. To show some good faith, I tell Melissa right away, but the next page.... whew. I looked at that page for a good half hour and couldn't figure it out. Then I'm reading what's on the page and it looks like song lyrics? So I decided to google them. I copy and paste it into google, and i noticed in the search bar are words I did not see before. So I go back to the page and highlight everything. Sneaky Jenna hid the link to the next blog in white lettering on the page. Very clever. So I go to the next blog, and I need another password. Crap. Well, I'm hoping that whoever is looking for this idol on the Six tribe gets stuck at the password too, so they wont be ahead of me. I decide to not tell Melissa that I figured it out. I want to see if she comes to me with that information. And she does, the next day. So I know I can actually trust Melissa. Like, I know I'm in an alliance with her, but I wanted to like, test her trust? I guess? So there's where we are on the idol journey...

I've been talking to Jill bc, you know, former Candor, and she brings up starting an alliance with Kyle. Me, already being in an alliance with Kyle, am completely down for this. Jill's plan is to have a former Candor/Amity alliance with me, Kyle, and Will, and bring in Melissa as a 5th so we have majority. Kyle and I, already being in an alliance with Melissa, are completely down for this. We decide to tell Melissa about this alliance, because we want Ugly Fruti to be our core, our majority within the majority, if that makes sense. Melissa seems fine with it.

So then we wind up winning the Battleship Immunity, and I am really enjoying not going to Tribal. If we can keep it this way until merge, that would be fantastic. Things have been really quiet around the tribe lately. I haven't been on much because of things irl, but I'm going to try and be around more. I dont want to be first boot from this tribe for inactivity, even though there are people who are way less active than me. I'm just hoping our movie poster is enough to win reward so we can continue on that Erudite clue...

Every single day, I feel myself slowly becoming someone that I am not. And honestly, I kind of like that.

I think Payton is pretty set on getting to know who I am but I'll keep bouncing that carrot in front of her face because the longer I keep her focused on my identity over the game that I want to play, the better it is for me in the long run. Payton is a threat because shes so talkative (albeit annoying as hell) and has Percy in her back pocket. She even came to me and said,

[10:14 PM] Payton Rodriguez: So I think I kinda decided Percy would be safe if we went to tribal again, at least from my vote? He really did help with making that poster look good

Of course that's a valid excuse but you should be willing to vote off anyone at any given moment in time. I don't care who we're going after, but I kind of think that Peter does need to go next. He's just going to do whatever people tell him to do later and he contributes almost nothing to my game, except acting like a little pawn for the time being.

I still have my Abnegation idol, so I'm going to hold onto it as long as possible. I think this is an idol I need to use on myself only because if I try to use it to make a huge move, like playing it on the target to get rid of a threat, then it could backfire and if my own target ends up getting saved, I could go out on a revote. If I just had the regular old thing, then I'd be more willing to be #dauntless and whip it out to save someone else and *ciera voice* make big movez.

Also I'm being really patient with myself and trying to make a lot of spelling/grammar errors and ignoring most forms of punctuation. I want to, in addition, have perfect grammar, spelling, punctuation on my regular account so that people are somewhat confused about my identity. I'm still going with my "pretty, spoiled girl" image that I'm adopting so that everyone thinks that I'm two completely different people. Maybe its working, maybe its not. But I need to start cutting the bullshit and start being as realistic as possible. No more talking about the unrealistic life I don't have, but being real. I have to adopt true parts of my own personality so I'm not looking like a bullshit artist. I have that tumblr blog, so maybe i should share it with the people so they choose to follow me and understand that maybe this is something i'm committing to. we'll have to see how that works out for me, of course.

ok i know im not supposed to but i cant help but get uncharted flashbacks rn im sure its not but lake is giving me ari vibes

Gosh it's been a long time since I've made one of these.

Nothing has really happened. We've been winning immunity and I haven't really helped at all.

I've been trying to staybtalkative with the most active members of the tribe and I feel like there's at least 2 or 3 people that could be voted out before me.

I feel so bad cause I havent done one of these in a long time. Im usually good with confessionals <.< sorry hosts.

I feel like im wadting time with the amity idol but oh well ill keep chugging along

Dani scares me. Theyre really smart, they know who i am, and i feel like theyre not playing with abnegation (obviously they werent from thay tribe) and theyre gping to use it against me. I want to get her oyt, but i think shes better connected to people, therefore attempting to do so will get me oyt instead, and i want to play with loyalty, i dont want to ve a flipper again and again. Dani is in an alliance with me so that wont be good as the others may be wary of me.

Im concerned as well as people arent actually talking that much to me. They dont message me, only dani and payton. I love payton or logan if it is them and i believe theyre going to be a bigger target ahwad of me in the future.

I want to play a very goat game. Previously my competitors and friends viewed me as someone who cant win and is very well aligned and a flipper. I havemt made ftc, and thats my goal. I dont care about anything else. If im loyal and very nonthreatening, people will want to take me as they view me as a goat and i could potentially use that strategy to win? I want to reach my goatential, and see whether i can lose at the end or not. Hopefully i dont.

Im typing this on my phone and i didnt put the heading, sorry for all my messiness. #Goatential #Geoat #loyalty #noflippers #mystrategy

I want to conspire to vote Dani out. I think that might be too risky right now but I don't trust her.

I'm glad we won tribal! But I really, REALLY want to send Dani home. Like, yesterday.

I'm tired of people outside the game talking to me about this game. Stop.

Um, it's been a confusing past few days. The biggest things to come out of them:

1. Six won immunity! Woo hoo! Payton was trying to argue that they were throwing it, but I refuse to believe that. We cam together as a tribe and we showed how much more effective we are when we work together, and that's that. So I guess another way of saying it would be, I don't care what they did. I care about what we did. And we crushed it. And frankly, as great as Payton has been for moral support and activity, her frequent willingness to couch thoughts with 'if's and 'but's really rubs me the wrong way. That's not the way winners think.

1a. That said, Payton is still my #1 for now. She's got a tremendous grip on the tribe socially and is realistically one of the shot-callers around here. The longer I can stay under the radar and vote with her, the more likely I can make merge. And then we're golden.

2. Danielle approached me with 'evidence' that Payton took the advantage, but it was very... sketchy. Which is not to say I don't believe it. I had my suspicions. But I wonder if Dani is trying to throw Payton under the bus for something. There seems to be some bad blood there for reasons I can't fathom.

3. Payton approached me with 'evidence' that Danielle or Geo are fabricating receipts, but it was very... sketchy. Which is not to say I don't believe it. It seems like something both would do, based on what little I know of them. But I wonder if Payton is trying to throw Dani under the bus for something. There seems to be some bad blood there for reasons I can't fathom.

3a. Déjà-vu is the sensation of seeing something you feel like you've seen before.

4. This Erudite idol is maddening. 'Center from the start?' What the hell is that??? I've tried everything – the letter a, the titles on each of the blogs, the word 'hosts' which is the 'center' block on the 'start' page, every past clue in every single blog... I know the clue points to a page on one of the blogs I've already visited, as opposed to the latest one. But I'm so stuck and it's so frustrating and I can only hope others are as hopelessly irritated as I am. I need that next clue, and hopefully this time it'll be something new rather than something I'd already been trying. Talk about bad luck.

5. Peter has been very quiet, but at least he showed up for the comp.

6. Lucy has been very quiet, but at least she showed up for the comp.

7. Geo has been very quiet, but at least he showed up for the comp.

3a. Déjà-vu is the sensation of seeing something you feel like you've seen before.

I will make a longer confessional if I survive tribal, which honestly, I think I will. Me, Kyle, and Melissa are in alliances with pretty much everyone on the tribe, so I think we are fine. The vote should be for Amanda, which is a relief for more than one reason. One, she's getting on everyone's nerves, and two, its so weird for people to be talking about Amanda and to remember its not me. There's only room for one Amanda in this game, hun! Ahhh anyway, after this tribal, we are supposed to be on a holiday break for a while, but I have a feeling before that happens, we are gonna be split into 3 tribes of 5. I'm really hoping not, but if so, I have Kyle and/or Melissa with me, or that I end up on a tribe with a Four Tribe majority. Ahh okay, I'm out til later