#IM NOT GONNA APOLOGIZE FOR THIS TURNIN OUT SUPER ANGSTY BRO FRESH DESERVES IT MY MANS CURSED

[neon--nightmare]

I want to send you another ask so that you will share more of ur somehow increasingly correct Fresh opinions with me but idk what to ask because my brain has melted into incoherent screaming of agreement! Please keep talking? Oh! Thoughts on hosts/that whole deal? Whether just in general or in relation to the existential crisis!!!!

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FRESH W EMOTIONS ACCEPTIN OTHER PEOPLE BEIN AS REAL AND MATTERIN (not as much as he does but more than zero) MEANS. that he has to ACCEPT that hes causing people incredible pain. the most traumatic moments of their lives. watching a monster puppet their bodies, say words they'd never say, do things they'd never do, forced to watch. unable to even blink by themselves. as this creature crawls around inside their chest, feeding off the very FABRIC of their being, devouring their souls. feeling each little crack get wider and wider, like every bone in your body being slowly torn apart from the inside. just for fresh to exist, and keep existing. and theres NO way around that. nothing he can do. because that's how he was designed. how do you heal and become a better person when causing others unbearable amounts of pain is unavoidable and constant? if fresh could feel guilt, how could he live with himself?

and his friends, his support group, his lifelines in this scenario, the ones he needs to function... they'd have to live with that, too. that someone you love physically, genuinely can't exist without causing others unceasing agony. who do you put first, the life of your friend or the lives of countless strangers? the 'right' thing to do would be to incapacitate him while his guard is down, kill the monster, end the horrible, unavoidable path of destruction, but he's like your family. you care about him so much. what can you do? especially for a pacifist, how do you come to terms with that?

GOT LONG READMORE

AND LIKE. it hurts the host less if they don't fight back. it'll always cause pain, but at least it won't be boneshattering agony. but who wouldn't fight back in this situation? even if you think you can handle being a host in theory, when it's happening, when you can't even move your eyes on your own without excruciating hurt, feeling your very life force devoured, who wouldn't be afraid? who wouldn't struggle, and scream, and fight back? it's so terrifying to be completely helpless, it changes you, and fresh knows that, but there's nothing he can do.

he's spent his whole life helpless, only telling himself he was control, grabbing desperately on to bravado, trying to convince himself he's independent, making his own choices, but ever since he was aware, he's been a puppet for forces beyond his comprehension. that see him as a toy, a little game to play with, poke and prod at until he breaks or they get bored, then that was it. nothingness. and even before the tiniest speck of emotion, before he couldn't even feel anything besides anger and fear, the idea of nothingness terrified him. survival is his deepest motivation. it was programmed into him, to survive at any cost. he can't even think about the idea of his death without spiraling, plummeting, so he just... doesn't think about it. he's good at that. pushing away everything that upsets him, burying it under layers of denial and apathy. if i can't see it, it can't see me!!!

but... just by existing, he puts others through that fear, every agonizing millisecond of every day, of every week, of every year. he makes others confront his worst nightmare, and he used to laugh, he used to think it was the funniest thing in the world, but now... thinking about it puts the heaviest weight on his chest. and he can't avoid it, because they're always screaming inside his mind, begging, cursing, pleading. he was created from the pain of others, and that's what he is, it's what he has to do, what other option is there?

he can try to find willing hosts, though they're so few and far between, though any one could be a lure, a set-up by one of the hundreds of thousands of people who want him dead. he apologizes profusely, he keeps apologizing, he tries to explain, it's all he can do. apologies are second nature to him now, aren't they? when he misses a social cue, when he says something that upsets someone he loves without realizing, when he slips back to his old self, when he gets so angry it consumes him, it's all he is and he yells, lashes out, pushes away those closest to him.

when all he feels is hollow, he isolates himself. he can barely move off the floor. all he can think about is how none of it was ever in his control. he was always doomed to be the person he became, the monster, right? and he wishes he could go back to being that monster, uncaring, an eternally grinning husk. he's still just as helpless as he was then, though now it's because he's at the mercy of his own mind, everything he can't escape, and he longs to just be numb again. and he knows that he still had enjoyed what he did. he still made all of those choices, said all of those things himself, manipulated, lied, drew people in close and betrayed them just for the thrill, for the curiosity, to see what would happen. he hates himself. but when he's happy, truly happy, now, it's the happiest he's ever been.

he tries to drain less energy, though it's irrational, it weakens him for no benefit only than to dull his host's agony, and only prolongs their suffering for longer until he moves on to the next one. and if he had the introspection, he would feel even more guilty that he's making himself seem like the victim, but he doesn't let himself think about it long enough. being outside a host isn't an option. even though he'd be able to last a few days before fully turning to dust, he hates being outside a body more than anything in the world. he's so small, he's so vulnerable, all he can do is screech. unable to communicate, a pitiful, fragile, pathetic little thing. and that's not who he is. that's not who he WANTS to be. it's a living hell. but that's by design too, isn't it? he was created to be perfect, wasn't he? he was never meant to be more. he was never meant to be worse.

there's no easy solution. it's all just harm reduction, punishing others for his continued existence. but he has to keep living, he has to keep surviving. keep going. because, really... the alternative was never an option. so he lives on.