#IM IN IRRECOVERABLY DEEP

[bookwyrminspiration]

what level of beyond saving is seeing a car make “raptor” and your immediate reaction is oh alvar had one of those. it peed on Fitz once. asking for me

[etherealliberation-blog]

Calloused Lungs

If I said I wasn't afraid I would be lying. One of the most fascinating things about human existence is our insatiable desire to search our whole lives for the perfect love story and then once we have it, set it on fire and watch everything you had ever wanted burst into flames. You see the water bucket next to you and you know you could easily put out the flame, salvage what once was perfect, nurture the burn wounds and begin again, but you're paralyzed, a deer in headlights, as you watch what you had waited your entire life for burn to the ground. True love turned to ashes, the smoke of the destruction soaking the inside of your lungs, leaving you with a horrible cough that lasts for months, even years, and scars on the inside of your body no one can see but you can feel. You feel it everyday, a part of you is missing and irrecoverable but you go about your life like nothing is wrong. What no one warns you about is the Phoenix that might be reborn from these ashes. The Phoenix of love, this idea of love that you never thought existed rises from the ashes, adorned with flaming wings-the very same flames that were used to destroy the love that first existed. I'm terrified. Im fucking terrified. But this time is different, we can't destroy something that's reason for existence is our self destruction. We can't set something on fire and watch it burn to ashes if the fire is now what fuels its life force. The fire has scalded the scars on the insides of our lungs to the point where they have become calluses, simply getting stronger as each flame gets ignited. We are learning what it truly means to love someone. We are learning what it means to truly love ourselves. What once destroyed us now nourishes us. I'll feel the fear, I'll feel the pain, I'll sit with myself in the unknown of what this all means, let the fire of uncertainty engulf my thoughts and feelings until one day I don't feel the burn. One day, the scars of our pasts will be calloused to the point where the fire attempts to feed itself on our pain but the pain it's searching for will cease to exist, and the fire will learn it can never nourish itself with our pain again. And one day, the fire, the deep-rooted, triggering pain, the idea that we both hold that we don't deserve love or one another and the doubts will disappear. One day there will be no questions. One day, there will be no fear. One day, there will be only love. I look forward to that day.