#IM IN DENIAL IM TRYING TO PREPARE CAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I ALSO WILL PROBABLY CHEER AT SOME POINT

[todayisafridaynight]

Literally going to need to be kept in a locked, padded, and sound-proofed room for the summit... last summit I SCREAMED when I saw Masato in Ishin And I Will Do It Again whether or not there is even a single crumb of my main predictions

i have faith i can be normal during the summit i mean...................... what else can they show yk............... the bar's high after ichibuns..........

[keitorinrose]

OOH OH OH what if trolls x su au takes place after world tour or in trollstopia when branch is finally started to move on but come across the rejuvinator (made by the funk trolls btw cause who else would be technologically advanced to create a device like that) and I don't know if he decides to forward with the plan like spinel or if there's an external force in this

I was so focused on the su part of the au that i completely forgot what to do with the trolls timeline whoops 💀

I might have a potential way of how the timeline goes.

So we know in tbt that the hideout was something branch and floyd were gonna make when he came back. In this au the hideout was already made and it was where brozone hung out the most. It's also where the break up happened and where floyd asked branch to stay until he returned. Only brozone knows the location of the hideout so when the escape from bergen town happened the village didn't know branch was living there so they assume he died.

The first movie and world tour is probably going to be mostly the same minus branch being there.

(Maybe a bit after world tour)

John dory discovers new pop village. He comes across peppy who tells him the news of branch's death. After that JD searches for his brothers to tell the news. Because of the news brozone decides they should try to be a family again because they feel guilty for branch's death, thinking if one of them had stayed they could've protected him or if they had talked it out the break up never would have happened and branch would still be alive. So they talk it out and learn to forgive each other.

Maybe some times passes and that's when poppy wants to make trollstopia. When they finish it (which probably took a few months) they're going to throw a party to celebrate the start of trollstopia and brozone is gonna perform after 20 years. In the beginning they weren't so sure about it but in the end agreed to do it for branch. So poppy starts spreading invitations all over troll kingdom. While she is doing that, branch is foraging for food (it's the only time he goes outside and when he is, he tries to go back to the hideout asap just to make sure he doesn't miss floyd when he returns) and discovers one of the invitations. This is how he finds out that floyd was never going back for him. So while they're preparing the party that is when branch shows up.

About the injector and rejuvinator. Yeah they're definitely created by the funk trolls because I don't know who else could make something so advanced. The problem is that i have no idea yet how branch would know that and how he would take it. So im gonna have to figure that out.

The rejuvinator is probably going to be made out of some special gem because we know that in ttbgo they have some very strange gems in their world (an example the switcher-ruby).

And there is no external force at play here. Idk if I'm going to be able to explain this well. branch has been suffering severely mentally (being isolated for 20 years and staying in denial that floyd would return really messed him up) so when he finally has a confirmation that floyd will in fact not return, all these emotions just come crashing down on him. So what he does is let out all his anger and pain onto his brothers. He is not at a good place rn in his mind. He's feeling all that pain that he's been trying to repress for years. It's after the final fight with floyd when he tired himself out that he has the realisation of what he's doing. (I'm sorry if this isn't right I'm not really good with mental health stuff)

[akiology]

Hello, Are You There? || Part 1

Minako tries the number neighbor thing. Thinking it was an inactive number, she decides to vent and express her frustrations, turning it into a sort of mini diary. What she didn’t expect was somebody was actually on the other line and decided to send a message back.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Word Count: 3.4k+

Pairing: Akihiko Sanada x Minako Arisato

Note: alternate universe where there are no demons, no dark hour and therefore no SEES. also, minato and minako are twins :3 this was something i started writing out of nowhere, so please tell me if there are any spelling errors!

Minako was the type to be able to handle herself. She is always there for her friends, giving them support when needed and cheering them on. However, when it came to herself, she didn’t like opening up. It wasn’t because she didn’t trust her friends, or secretly hated them. No, that is not the case. She is simply afraid because she believes that opening up and telling others about her deepest, darkest fears will make her vulnerable and weak. She didn’t like that one bit.

She believes that she always has to be strong.

Being the older sister(by five minutes), and the one in charge of taking care of Minato because her parents are working abroad, she thinks that she always has to be strong.

Of course, sooner or later she will have to realize that she can’t always be strong.

/./

Classes just ended, and Minako decided to have a cup of coffee at Chagall Café along with Yukari and Fuuka for some quality girl time.

“Have you heard of this trend? It’s an old one but I found it interesting.” Yukari asks, shoving her phone at Fuuka and Minako. The latter shakes her head, while Fuuka studies the image on Yukari’s phone.

“What is it about?” Minako inquires, seemingly uninterested. Yukari didn’t notice it though.

“Basically, get your phone number and change the last digit into the neighboring numbers. And then you send a message.” Yukari answered, taking back her phone.

“Oh, what happens next?” Fuuka asks, not quite understanding the purpose.

“Well, they’ll reply. And maybe you’ll get a new friend.” Yukari states, with a big smile on her face.

“Oh… that’s quite... um...” Fuuka trails off, not knowing how to finish her sentence.

“Lame.” Minako interjected.

Yukari laughed. “Of course you would say that! But why not try it? You may get something out of it... like maybe a relationship?”

Minako scrunches her eyebrows, absolutely weirded out by how the thought of that idea did a big jump. “That seems like a reach. But anyways, I don’t need to be in a relationship! I’m already happy I got you guys!”

Yukari snorted, while Fuuka gave a big smile, “I’m happy I have you guys, too.”

“Okay but I want to try it at least once.”

“Then you do it yourself, Yukari.”

“No! I want to do it with you guys! What do you think, Fuuka?”

“It wouldn’t hurt to try…”

“Seriously Fuuka?”

“Fuuka already agreed! Two against one!”

“Fine… But only once, okay? If they don’t reply, then that’s it.”

“Pfft, sure!”

/./

Of course, Minako didn’t really expect a reply. After all, who in their right minds would reply to a random number texting ‘Hey there number neighbor!’. She is sure as hell she wouldn’t. Thinking that her number neighbor might be an inactive number, she decides not to dwell on it anymore as she prepares dinner for her and Minato.

At the sound of the door opening and some keys being carelessly thrown somewhere reaches her ears, Minako smiles at the thought that her younger brother is home. She puts on a big smile to greet her brother, “Minato, welcome home!”

Minato just grunted in reply. She knows this mood of his. He probably had a bad day, and when Minato is having a bad day, he doesn’t have the energy to talk or interact with other people.

“Can you please set the table? I’m almost done with the food.” Minako pleads, hoping that he isn’t too tired. Minato didn’t reply, however he did start on setting the table.

As Minako served the food on the table, Minato decided to go back to his room and change. When he came back down, they started eating.

“Tough day?” Minako tries starting up a conversation with his brother. Minato nodded.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Minako asks again, and Minato shook his head no.

And they ate in silence.

/./

The next day, it didn’t seem like Minato’s mood changed. As they were going to school, Minato was quiet and didn’t seem to acknowledge her presence. Minako knows that even if her brother is acting cold, he still loves her so. But that doesn’t mean it hurts any less. All she could do was sigh and turn her volume on to the highest level, drowning out the rest of the world.

As they were walking through the school gates, some girls blocked the way, not caring if they were causing a big inconvenience to the other students.

Minako, curious with what was happening decided to lower her volume and listen.

“Akihiko-senpai is most likely coming soon! He usually arrives at this time!” One girl said, smiling huge, jumping up and down.

“O-M-G! I hope he looks our way!” Another girl squealed, and Minako swears that her eyes were shaped like a heart.

“I am like, so proud of him for winning that competish! I’m going to ask for an autograph!” A third girl chimed in, flopping her arms around.

Minako rolled her eyes. It wasn’t of any importance. Some girls just bothering a poor, helpless guy. She sighs once again, maxing out her volume and silently walking to class.

/./

This day isn’t being kind to Minako.

And that was sugarcoating it.

The teachers dumping a bunch of work on the students, just a week before the finals. The volleyball club members fighting with the leader. Obnoxious and disrespectful customers at Minako’s part-time job. Minato still not opening up.

This day was absolute shit.

After dinner, Minako decided to head straight to her bed and lock her door. She flopped herself on her bed and released a big sigh. Her chest feels tight and she feels worn out. She’s read somewhere that crying is a good way to let out your feelings, and it might make you feel a whole lot better if you let it out.

However, nothing was coming out.

She blinked a few times. Nothing.

Suddenly, the feeling of anger is overpowering her. The frustration of not being able to cry is getting to her, and she decided that the best way to go about it is to scream in to her pillow.

That still didn’t help.

She decided to grab her phone. Another thing she read is that opening up might help. She didn’t like the thought one bit, but she knows that she can trust her friends. She scrolled through her screen, Yukari? Fuuka? She decides to go through their group chat, and although they are both online, they seem to be talking about something happily and she didn’t want to dampen the mood.

Maybe Rio? But she’s got her own problem with the volleyball team. Probably best not to stress her out anymore.

Minato? She knows damn well that her brother won’t judge her no matter what, but Minato is probably asleep already.

She sighs yet again, until she comes across her number neighbor.

Hey number neighbor!

Still no reply. Maybe it really is an inactive number.

It’s perfect.

I mean, it’s still sort of opening up to somebody, right?

Plus, she won’t be bothering anybody and she’ll be able to express her frustrations.

Win-win.

She decides to start typing.

Minako: hey there number neighbor

Minako: i know this is really fucking stupid but today was really shitty

Minako: and im telling this to you because i know nobodys there

Minako: but basically what happened was the teachers decided to drop every fucking major requirement the week before exams, and then my part-time job is so demanding, both my boss and the customers

Minako: my boss kept dumping work on me and he did say he would pay me extra but it was still pretty fucking tiring

Minako: and then today the leader of my club expressed her frustrations on said club

Minako: and my brother still wont open up…

Minako: and… i don’t know… i guess it just sorta sinked in to me all of a sudden that im tired..

Minako: and sad… and lonely…

Minako: i

Minako: wow

Minako: that got too real too fast

And a tear fell down her cheek. Minako blinked a few times, and more tears came down.

She was crying. And she couldn’t stop, and she decided to let herself feel this.

She fell asleep crying.

/./

“Shit!” Minako hurriedly put her textbooks in her bag, panicking as she realizes she woke up late. She is usually the one who wakes up first, and then she will be the one who will wake up Minato, who is a heavy-sleeper.

Today, Minato was the one to wake her up, but because Minato isn’t a morning person, they are both late.

When Minako finally finished her packing her things, she put her hair in a bun and washed up herself really quickly.

“I’m really sorry, Minato! You can go on without me!” She shouts from her room, suddenly having trouble putting on her uniform.

“No.” Minato answers back simply. Minato was a man of habit and if he got used to something, he’d want to keep it that way. So going to school without Minako is going to feel weird.

“I’m done!” Minako quickly grabbed her phone and her headphones while going down the stairs quickly. “Let’s go!”

/./

They both managed to snag a seat on the train, and Minako decided to check the time on her phone. It wasn’t time yet, but they are most likely be late since the train hasn’t left yet. She notices two notifications on her phone. One from Yukari, containing the words, “wer r u and minato?” and another from an unknown number.

She decides to open it and her blood ran cold.

It was from her number neighbor.

She remembers clearly how she decided to vent to her number neighbor, thinking it was an inactive number.

It was an inactive number, right? Still in denial and thinking it was her phone glitching, she decided to open it anyway.

???: Hey, I am sorry for ignoring your message. I thought you were a prankster, but I can tell that you have been having a hard time. Prankster or not, I want to make sure if you’re okay and not doing anything bad.

???: If it helps you even just a little bit, you can continue venting to me. :) I do not mind at all. I have heard that venting to a complete stranger is much easier than venting to a friend, since there is no judgment. And that’s completely true.

???: I won’t judge you.

Minako was dumbfounded. Is this guy for real? She thought she was going to get told off by the guy, but he seems really nice.

Minako: omg im so sorry my friend told me to do this number neighbor thing

Minako: and when you didn’t reply i thought it was an inactive number

Minako: last night i was really frustrated and nothing was helping

Minako: so i decided to vent to this number because i figured no one was gonna read it anyways

Minako: i am really sorry if i disturbed u

Minako sighed to herself. The train finally started moving and she decided to play music to get her mind off of it. What she didn’t expect was that she was going to get a reply so soon.

???: It is fine.

???: I told you, I do not mind. You can vent to me anytime if it helps you. :)

Minako didn’t know how to react. This guy is too nice.

Minako: um ok

Minako: thanks ig

Minako: u can do the same if u want

Minako: u can vent to me as well

The guy stopped replying. Probably became busy. Minako sighs in relief, she is embarrassed to say the least. She probably won’t talk to the guy for a while. Or you know, ever. That is probably it, she does not need some random stranger knowing about her problems. She decides to spend the rest of the ride listening to music and looking at the passing scenery.

/./

After school, Minako, Yukari and Fuuka decided to go to Chagall Café once again. Yukari suggested a ‘study group’ to help each other understand unclear terms and also a way to finish their projects. Fuuka and Minako agreed that it was beneficial.

After ordering their drinks and desserts, Fuuka started teaching Yukari the recent Math topic. Yukari couldn’t wrap her head around it and no matter how hard she tried to follow the discussion, she still couldn’t understand. Minako understood the lesson very well, so she was finishing one of their other projects instead.

“Okay, so first you have to write the given…” Fuuka started, while Yukari stared at the problem.

Minako was getting her things ready, when her phone vibrated. She opened it to see a message from her number neighbor. He still replied?

???: Hey, sorry for not replying. Today has been hectic.

???: But thank you! I’ll be sure to keep that in mind. :)

???: How are you feeling today, though?

Is this guy… actually concerned? Minako knows that it is rude that she is questioning and may or may not be judging the guy when she absolutely knows nothing about him. But same goes for the other guy, they do not know anything about her and yet they are concerned?

Minako: im okay today

Minako: thanks for asking

Minako: hbu?

As she finished setting up her things, she got a reply. That was quick.

???: That’s great. I am glad you are feeling better. :)

???: I am good, too. Just a little tired. But I can manage.

Minako stares at the message. Is she supposed to reply to that? Nevermind that, she is supposed to be studying right now. She decides to instead text Minato to eat outside already, as she will be home late. And then she put her phone in her bag and concentrate on her project.

/./

When Minako finally got home, the house was eerily quiet. There were no lights on either. “Minato?” She called out, no answer. She puts down her things and went to knock at his door.

“Minato?”

Still no reply. She tried opening the door, but it was locked. She went back down and checked to see if his shoes were here, and it wasn’t. He wasn’t home yet. Where was he?

Minako tried calling his number, but there was no answer. She started texting his friends, Junpei, Kenji and Kazushi. But none of them knew where he was. She was starting to get a little worried.

No, screw that. She IS worried as hell. Where could he have gone to?

She decided to get her jacket and find him herself but just before she could do that, the front door opened.

It was Minato.

She felt relieved, but at the same time she was very angry.

“And just where have you been?” Minako tried to stay calm, but her tone was harsh. Minato flinched.

“With the boys.” Minato answered, not looking at her and removing his shoes.

“Lies. They told me they didn’t know where you were.”

Minato finished with his shoes and walked past by her, seemingly ignoring her words.

“Minato, I am talking to you.”

“What?” Minato answered indifferently.

“What? What?! What do you mean ‘what’? I was worried sick! You didn’t answer any of my calls, and your friends didn’t know where you were! Not to mention that it’s late, who knows what kind of criminal could be lurking around the streets at this moment!” Minako said exasperatedly. It frustrated and angered her that her brother doesn’t seem to be thinking about what she was feeling.

“Calm down, I got home safely didn’t I? It’s fine. You’re worrying over nothing.” Minato proceeded to go upstairs to his room, not daring to look back at his sister.

“Minato Arisato, come back down here! I am not done talking to you!” Minako shouted, but it fell on deaf ears as he did not come back. Minako felt frustrated and angry and sad… She stormed into her room. Her chest was tightening and she did not like it one bit. She tried screaming into her pillow, but it did not ease her pain.

She faced up and stared at the ceiling. What was going on with her brother? Is there a problem at school? Is he being bullied? Was he having a hard time? They were in different classrooms, but even so it was just next to eachother. Yet somehow it feels like she still cannot reach him.

She unknowingly reached into her phone and started typing. She didn’t want to do this, but it feels like her hands has a mind of their own.

Minako: hey number neighbor

Minako: are u there?

Minako feels weak, vulnerable, and pathetic at this moment, but she doesn’t know what else she can do. After a minute, her phone vibrated.

???: Yes, I am.

???: What’s wrong? Did something happen?

Minako: i just

Minako: im sorry for disturbing u once again

Minako: but nothings calming me down again

Minako: i thought today was a nice day because i just hung out with my friends

Minako: but when i got home, my brother wasn’t there

Minako: i got worried and started calling

Minako: he didn’t answer so i texted his friends and even they didn’t know where he was

Minako: i was just about to go out until he came home

Minako: and i asked him where he was, wanting an explanation

Minako: but he just ignored me

Minako: and it fucking hurts because i was worried sick and he didn’t even try talking to me

Minako: im so fucking frustrated and angry and sad

Minako: its like i didn’t matter

Minako: he used to share a lot with me, i am his bestfriend

Minako: well, was, as it seems like now

When Minako finished, she put her phone down and stared at the ceiling. She started contemplating whether she did something to make her brother act like this. When she heard her phone vibrating, she quickly got it.

???: Hey, don’t jump into conclusions. Although I understand where your frustration is coming from. It is valid.

Minako: if its valid they why didn’t my brother talk to me???

???: Perhaps your brother is going through something, and he isn’t ready to talk about it. He just needs some time to figure it out himself and then he will approach you.

Minako: then what should i do????

???: Just continue loving and supporting him. Let him know you are there. And when the time comes, he will approach you.

Minako: do u think i scared him off when i got angry at him

???: I believe not. You were only being a concerned sister. And I am certain he knows that too. Like I said, what you felt is valid. It is normal, I would probably be the same if I was in your position.

Minako suddenly started crying. She closed her eyes and cried. After a few minutes, she decided to reply back.

Minako: thank u number neighbor

Minako: hey is it ok if i call u by another name or something

Minako: number neighbor is too long and it feels a bit weird

???: Alright. What do you suggest?

Minako: well when i call u by a name then u will most likely call me by a name too

Minako: is it ok if it’s a code name or a nickname

Minako: i don’t feel comfortable saying my name

???: That is fine by me. :) What kind of name will it be then?

Minako: is it ok if i call u by my favorite thing

???: And that would be?

Minako: headphones.

???: Fine by me, pancake.

Minako was surprised. Why the sudden endearment?

Minako: im sorry what?

???: Pancake. You will be calling me by your favorite thing, I’ll be calling you by my favorite thing too. :)

Minako: oh

???: Why? Is it weird? Do you want me to change?

Minako: um no

Minako: its fine

Minako: just surprised

???: Alright, pancake.

Minako couldn’t explain why she was suddenly blushing. It’s just their favorite thing. Nothing more. She decided to shake it off and proceeds to change their contact name into ‘Headphones’.

Minako: im feeling a lot better now

Minako: thank u again headphones

Headphones: I am glad I was able to help. :)

Minako: im gonna sleep now

Minako: nanite

Minako: ttyl

Headphones: Sleep well, pancake. :)

[spacejew]

oops accidental personal post I guess

It's weird that I almost feel the need to go here to personal blog again because of a handful of irl friends following what was supposed to be a private personal Twitter in theory, just for like, idk, internet strangers and friends I made online not those imported from meatspace. Also those character limits... Suffocating.

Anyways yeah things are kinda stable but dissapointing lifewise? I'm definitely in a rut and stuck somewhere I'm desperately trying to get out of. Also like. idk. Gender shit. I think I really fucked myself over hard when I made the decision a few years back to conviously bottle up all my dysphoria and trans feelings and bury them and repress them hard and just live as a very gay and feminine bi boy and like. hm. I think I've been happy since? But im thinking now that maybe. Because that's still a part of my psyche that haunts me every day. I might actually have been mildly depressed this whole time and like, still struggling to make important life decisions because of the anxiety of that. Idk. Maybe if I got a therapist and realistic attention to that all those years ago and it turned out to be very real n legit and i got to make tough choices and live my truth, I would be equipped now to actually be joyful and able to fully focus on hard work and taking risks and putting myself out there and being successful and shit. Idk idk idk. I just have to wonder if all this time I've actually been quite unhappy and filling the void with dumb shit and a good deal of dissociation and complacency. Idk. what I'm saying is maybe I made a big mistake there lmao and could've started transitioning, if that's right for me, 4-7 years ago maybe, who knows. Haha so fun. Fuck me. Big Regrets, lads. But also I still don't know if that's right. Which probs means it is who am I kidding. Oof. But it's ok life is a journey I'm full of wise shit and I know it's not the end of the world. It just kinda. Makes me so sad on behalf of the old me who would cry so much because of dysphoria and living in this body in this life. She knew. I don't know why I buried her alive like that. Anyways.

I spent all year struggling to make an animated short (which ended up being kinda long tbh like 10 minutes?) by myself mostly, just me and my mental blocks and executive dysfunction and shit, but I was v passionate about it and worked hard and got to actually bring a whole vision to life, with basically nobody to tell me what to do, just give me feedback that I wasn't obligated to follow. It came out pretty nice and I'm very happy that I got to tell exactly the story I wanted and try a cool new look and I just wish I gave myself more time to work on the actual animation part but I put my heart and endless weeks and months of refinement into the storyboarding and script and every little detail and I really feel accomplished and like it paid off -- and I even got to do a private screening at my summer camp job that I was called in to do one more time at the last minute right when I finished my film, it was a miracle and so perfect, everyone cried and truly loved it and felt touched by it. And then I went to animation festivals! And all this cool shit! But... I haven't been able to figure out a public screening thing yet. And I feel like all my excitement is gone now. And I really wanted to polish the look and some backgrounds a little, just some very quick rerendering and comp, but. I feel like too much time has passed, i just feel dissapointed. I haven't put it online yet cause I haven't done my public screening, cause of my stupid anxiety about little details and overall idk imposter syndrome I guwss I feel more ashamed of it than proud of it even tho it's probably good, and like I feel that everyone was excited to support me but probably nobody cares anymore.

Basically I had all the wind taken out of my sails. Oh and right when I was trying to get it off the ground I guess and push through, my grandma died. I'm so heartbroken I loved her so fucking much and. She never got to see the film cause of my stupid bullshit. I feel so bad about that. So so bad. Ugh. And it's a film very very hilariously blatantly directly based on me and my feelings and my real family history, ultimately besides other main themes it's about talking to your grandparents and family about the past and your current feelings. And in it the main character, a girl, cough cough even though it's basically me, cough cough go figure, gender shit, anyways the climax is her going back in time to talk to her great grandma, and it's very emotional and my best friend of like almost 10 years now composed and recording a music for that scene for me. And now when I eventually screen this, my entire family and also myself is gonna get torn to shreds by this scene more than intended because my own fucking grandma, who I was excited to show this film to more than anyone on earth, passed so unexpectedly without seeing it. Fuck. Why didn't I send it to her when she was in the hospital? Obviously cause if I did that that would make it real and she wouldn't get better and all I do is live in denial. Ugh. Anyways yeah. The point is I'm stagnant and in a rut right now and just want to move forward and focus on making new work and just get a real career relevant job already. Tough year hit a well needed high and now petering off back into misery. Not to be dramatic. I'm ok tbh I have a part time I'm slowly getting sick of and a loving supportive partner and some very good friends, tho not as many as I used to see regularly and that's kinda sad too. That's your 20s babey.

I just need to move on and make big changes. My pattern rn is like. Work fri-sun, if I'm lucky I get to hang out with friends or lovers, usually at least with my partner. on monday I recover from working. on tuesday I have dnd and usually get some stuff done but honestly just catch up on warframe with my clan friends. wednesday my partner and I got to the park and library for half the day and eat and draw and talk. on thursday I mentally prepare for work again and usually we go out to play another roleplaying game with her roommates friends. a lot of that free time that's been left unmentioned is spent being over at bae's sometimes so I don't have the ability to get much work done. Lately I've spent most of my time planning a dnd campaign which is fun but also too stressful on account of obviously I'm not playing it yet so like what's the point, sorry friends who have patiently waited for months for me to be ready to start the game for them. And also like. Yeah idk. just sad and confused and resting my weary heart and body after a very rough month after my grandma passed. But! I did accomplish a very crazy deep cleaning of my room. I threw out 14 bags of shit at the least. I wish I weighed it all, it was a lot. I feel so much more organized and cleansed from that. For the record I didn't have any trash in my room, nor was it every a mess. Just every single cabinet and drawer was crammed full of stuff and I guess I hoarded a lot of shit. I was able to throw away a lot of things I held on to be cause of sentimentality and I'm proud of myself for growing that way. So like. Idk. It's not all bad, baby steps. I still feel like I'm constantly improving as a person! I'm positive, optimistic. Just tired, anxious, and feel bad.

Also I finally got a new phone and because of my hubris I dropped it without a case and it shattered only two weeks in. The day I was gonna buy a case. But it's ok. Story of my life I guess. I can't keep everything pristine and polished forever, one day shit falls and breaks but it's still usable. It has character.

I wasn't expecting to dump everything like this, sorry yall. Thanks for reading I guess. Also I forgot how to do a read more on mobile lol sorry

[noona-la-la-la]

Tell me if this is bad question bcus its been ignored by couple ppl. Im aguy into cuckolding. My girl is into it but as soon as she realizes its me cucking her she flips. I said u can cuck me 1st to be fair. But still arguement about fairness. Like ill suck her toes but ill ask her to suck mine just to piss her off (cus she knows i dont rly care to have mine sucked) but i have to put my feelings aside to suck hers? (Not that i have any feelings abt it) it feels like she takes advantage of that.

I’m confused.  Like, I’m really wondering if you know what the word cuckold means.  Also wondering where the toe-sucking thing comes into play.  But I’ll try to give an opinion based on what I think you are asking.

So, usually when a man says he is into “cuckolding” it either means he wants to be a cuckold by his wife having sex with other men or he wants to cuckold other men by having sex with their wives.  Feel free to replace wife with girlfriend here.  But part of the sexual kink of it all really is playing with the traditional sexual/gender power dynamics.  For thousands of years, women were expected to remain sexually faithful to the man in their life while it was considered completely normal for the man to sleep around, take mistresses, concubines, additional wives even.  It’s still that way in many cultures/subcultures.  Thus, the deviance of “cuckolding” is by flipping that dynamic.

I’ve seen people talk about “reverse cuckolding” or sometimes “cuckqueaning” to refer to women who want their man to have sex with another woman.  So… there’s that.

In any case, cuckolding as a fetish is different than people having open relationships, or partner swapping, or simply bringing in a third (or more) sexual partner into a relationship for a night. The big difference is that cuckolding is very much about power play – how deep that goes depends on the couple, but there tend to be elements of jealousy mixed with arousal, or for the more intense, there may be active elements of humiliation, degradation, denial, sexual servitude and sometimes even extended chastity on the part of the cuckold.  It all varies depending on what the primary couple want and how they have decided to manage their relationship and all of it needs to be done with mutual agreement of the two primary partners and they should also get clear consent from whatever third party they bring in to be a part of this dynamic.

For one couple, cuckolding could mean, “I want to watch you have sex with another man while I jerk off in the corner” and for someone else it might mean, “I want you to lock up my dick, make me sleep on the floor, stop having sex with me altogether while you engage in a long term, loving and sexual relationship with another man who actively belittles and demeans me.”  That is a WIDE spectrum there and you need to be extremely clear about what it is you want from this kind of relationship. I’m not kidding, everything needs to be negotiated and made incredibly clear, limits set, rules defined and abided by everyone, and there should probably be frequent renegotiation of the relationship taking place.  Is this working?  What works and what doesn’t?  What should we add and what should we take away?  Does everyone feel safe and loved and happy?  If not, what do we need to change?

You need to be extremely clear about what it is you want and I would suggest you don’t use the word cuckold when you are asking for it.  Be explicitly clear and detailed with your partner.  Do you want her to have sex with other men?  Do you want to be told about her sexual escapades?  Do you want to observe her having sex?  Do you want to help find her other partners?  Do you want to participate in her sexual encounters?  In what way do you want to participate?  Etc…  And if you also want to have sex with other women… then you need to be equally explicit about what you want there, too.   

Once you put it all out on the table, it’s up to your partner to say what she is willing or not willing to do.  And you need to be prepared for the fact that this is a negotiation and she may not want to do everything you want to do.  And that might include her being okay with having sex with other men (something you said you wanted) but not okay with you having sex with other women (a different thing you said you wanted).  If you are only okay with her having sex with others is if you get to do the same, then you were never really into cuckolding in the first place.  If what you want is have an open relationship where both of you have sex with other people or you want to start inviting other people (both men and women) into bed with the two of you – then that’s what you need to ask for.  If it’s something different from that, say it! Be clear!

And be prepared that her answer may be no.  Respect her decision.  It’s up to you to decide if you are okay with the state of your relationship and whether or not you want to be in the relationship – but it’s not okay to try to coerce or badger someone into doing things they don’t want to do.  

As for the toe sucking example… I’m a little concerned.  It sounds like she enjoys having her toes sucked and you don’t mind doing it even if it’s not something you would naturally do on your own.  You ask her to suck your toes, something you don’t particularly want and something she doesn’t want to do, simply because you think sex is only “fair” if you make her do everything you do.

That doesn’t seem healthy.  

When we are children, we think fairness is all about making sure everybody gets treated exactly the same in every situation every time.  It’s about making sure that you get the same number of cookies as your brother and you better be damn sure that all those cookies are the same size and the same flavors and you might even count the number of chocolate chips in the cookie to make sure they come out the same.  But then we grow up and realize that fairness is more about making sure everyone has the option to have cookies, but only people who want them eat them and you only eat enough until you are full and that is going to be a little different for every person.

In sexual terms, fairness is making sure that you are your partner are both feeling satisfied with the sex you are having.  That includes doing things that you might not particularly care for one way or the other, but it makes your partner happy.  It also means not being forced to do things that are actively upsetting or cause distress.  

So if she likes having her toes sucked and you don’t have any real objection to doing that, then suck her toes.  If you don’t really care about having your toes sucked and she doesn’t like doing it – then why are you trying to make her suck your toes?  Chances are she might already be doing something that you like and she doesn’t care about just for your pleasure.  And even if she isn’t… are you dissatisfied with the sex?  If so, ask for what you want!  Don’t go around asking to have your toes sucked when that isn’t what you actually want.  

It sounds like you are playing games when you should be having an open and honest dialog.