#II Vi & Jinx II I miss the way we used to be

[poisonedpowder]

tags.

[sandraharissa]

I think one of the many things wrong with Jinx this season is how like, half of her personality was cut off and thrown out.

Like her reaction to grief. We see her suicidal after Silco’s death and she’ll be again very suicidal after Isha’s death. Makes sense. Don’t have notes on that part. However I have so much notes on her rage. In s1 we see Powder sometimes responding to bad situation by being shy and sad, but sometimes she reacts in a more adversarial way, like complaining they should try fighting Piltover or trying to stand up to Mylo. But we also get these moments like when she’s left behind and has an absolute meltdown and starts wrecking shit but more importantly her reaction to Silco. He says they’ll show them all and she throws the audience the most rage fueled look you’ve ever seen. When really pushed beyond her limits this is Powder’s emotional reaction to tragedy/being wronged. We see that all throughout acts II and III and we see it when she blows up the council after Silco dies. And that’s the problem cos that’s the part that’s missing from s2. They cut her personality in half and only kept one half. Anger as part of her personality and reaction to grief was discarded when writing her in s2. Even tho she goes through a lot of grieving in s2.

Another example is Isha. Jinx prioritizing family and just chilling? Wanting affectionate interactions with family? Having an easier relationship with a younger family member cos there aren’t any expectations or need to prove anything or gain anyone’s attention? No fear of abandonment/betrayal? She just has this kid who hero worships her and follows her around like a puppy so no stress? No notes. However I have a lot of notes about Jinx’s paranoia and how not normal and possessive and toxic she is about relationships. And I have notes on the generational trauma. Where did all that go? That’s not how ppl work. Living in a messed up society and Silco’s parenting won’t just evaporate like that cos Isha is just so overwhelmingly cute. It’s more likely that Jinx would corrupt the kid. (which you could argue on paper she does cos the kid in the end thought that suicide was dope but why did the narrative frame it as this beautiful thing lol)

And on the topic of fighting Piltover where did “we beat the enforcers with just the four of us imagine what the whole Lanes could do” go? Jinx definitely prioritized family more but she wasn’t neutral or indifferent on the Piltover matter. The enforcers wrong her/hurt her/threaten her family yet again, they kidnapped Isha, and she just acts panicked and sad, but also jokes and quips while on the mission. Where’s the rage and hatred and desire for revenge on the ppl who wronged her? Sometimes it’s just ppl around her being mean or lying or smth, anyone could be her enemy, like Sevika, Silco or Vi, but a lot of the time it’s Piltover, they killed her parents, they were her fathers’ enemies and drove them to hate each other, they chased them as kids and tried to arrest them, they kidnapped and abused Vi in prison all her adolescence, they would have killed Vi so she blew up the whole blockade, Council tried to turn Silco against her and now he’s dead so she bombs them, all her life she can see that the quality of their life is bad bcos of Piltover, she’s in Jayce’s apartment and immediately goes for the sandwich. Jinx doesn’t come off as a very politically/ideologically motivated character but what happened to all her personal beef with Piltover?

They also inexplicably just ceased to write her fucking up all the time. what about her y’know, being a jinx? In s1 even in acts II and III when she is proficient in fighting and bomb-making they still constantly show her being more of a burden and fucking up in other ways. While never explained (which was good) to me it came off as a symptom of trauma and being neurodivergent, like how ADHD kids can’t escape the allegations that they’re lazy, but on a meta level it did make it feel like she was supernaturally cursed. Part of what felt so profound and empowering about s1 finale and her embracing being jinx it that it was her embracing that she’s different (and ‘wrong’ in some ways) and can never live a happy life in the society she lives in and so she lashes out. Now she just chills and nothing ever doesn’t go her way (ig until Isha died but that wasn’t even directly her fault, Isha just acted on her own choice and agency). Suddenly her mental issues don’t exist or get in the way of her socializing and being a part of society. This bigoted, violent and unfair society.

Don’t even get me started on her mannerisms. Remember how she would bite her lip? I’m not sure if she does that even once in s2. “Sister, thought I missed her”??? let Jinx rhyme sometimes and in general say weird shit, not one-liners.

So the only way for the writers to have Jinx do nothing, heal up completely and just chill with a kid in her lair (and really everything else she does (or doesn’t do) this season) is to get rid of half of her personality, the traits that would dictate she take action and feel wrath and lash out/hurt her loved ones in the process.

All of her tragic traits from s1 that made her Jinx were just erased, not changed throughout the course of an arc, absent from the get go, so that they can have her say that Jinx is dead and have it make sense in the context of s2 cos from her very first appearance is s2 this Jinx was devoid of pretty much all of her jinx-y character traits from s1.

[vi-arcanes-left-biceps]

Spoilers for Arcane S2 Finale❗❗

So, i keep thinking about Arcane's last pieces of dialogue and though they sounded kinda funny when I watched the end at the first time (in a 'really? This took 27h to write?' way), the more I think about it, the more I like it.

I think it has a ton of layers to interpret and I'm still missing a few of them.

Please forgive my multiple tangents while I try to gather my thoughts.

First, how Caitlyn finds Vi: no bandages, a glass of alcohol in her hands.

No bandages means many things for Vi: she's vulnerable -both because of what she's going through and beacuse she can allow herself to be vulnerable for the first time in the show, with Caitlyn-, and her fight is over, she doesn't have to fight anymore (Re: Ep7 Powder saying Vi fights because she's scared of losing everyone, and she has lost everyone). (Everyone but Ekko and Caitlyn, who have repeatedly proven they can fend for themselves and are leaders on their own right, I'd love to say Vi is in a point where she's able not to feel responsible for them too, though this is something I'm not so sure about). Bandages were also an important part of her character design, of herself, so this gives a sensation that she's lost a part of her identity too. Who is she, if not the big sister, the protector, the brawler?

Alcohol is another small details that just says she's not okay. We've seen her drink herself senseless for, presumably, months, in Act II, to cope with all that happened in S1 and particularly S2 Act I: accepting the loss of her sister after the attack on the council, becoming an enforcer even though she was completely against it because she still feels responsible for ending Jinx, recognising her sister again for just a glimpse and gaining faith that Powder is still there (with the realisation that she almost killed her sister -not the monster she convinced herself jinx was, her sister) falling in love with Cait and seeing her become a completely different person out of grief.... So after everything that just happened in Act III, where she saw that many people die, either strangers or friends, and where she lost her sister and father AGAIN, of course she's considering getting back to drinking. So much happened to her in the span of few months that she's considering drowning the pain away again.

Caitlyn's question: "Are you still in this fight, Violet?"

The line delivery is incredibly soft and intimate, and Cait calling her Violet is the cherry on top. She's knows Vi is not okay. She's knows she's going through a lot right now.

Caitlyn's question seeing this is really, at least, three questions:

First and clearest is a check-in: "How are you?" "Will you be okay?" "Do you want to talk about this?"

Second is "Are you staying?" Vi could leave to be alone as she did at the beginning of Act II, could go with Ekko to Zaun... I can also see an "Are you staying with me?" After everything that happens, after the little time that they've had to be together and to solve the many things between them, her asking "Are you still in this fight" can mean both "hey, are you holding up" and "Are we still together in this?"

Third would be "So, are you up to face this, solving things between Piltover and Zaun?". I know some people have criticized the lack of resolution in the Zaun/Piltover conflict. I'd argue, as much as I'd love for the class conflict to be expanded, it is not the core of the series, and both the writers and the characters know that a conflict like this cannot be solved in such little time. The series was not going to solve it. What it does is solve it's main plot and character arcs, and leave a space for this theme to have the start of a resolution. Piltover an Zaun joined against Ambessa's army, and the ending gives us a glimpse of the will to change the relationship between topside and bottom (e.g. having Zaunites in the council). It's not a perfect ending nor it is a resolution for Zaun's class struggle -I'm pretty sure that was never the intent, though I would have liked for both cities' relationship to be more comented upon in this season-, it's the opportunity to advance towards a resolution. So Cait is asking Vi if she is willing to deal with that too. "Are you still in this fight?" can also have an implication to mean fighting to make things better. This also means fighting for them to be together.

Then, Vi's answer: "I am the dirt underneath your fingernails, Cupcake. Nothing's gonna clean me out".

Now, I like this because it sums up to Vi saying "I'm not going anywhere" but the line itself and the delivery gives it a few more layers of meaning.

First of all, Vi is clearly not okay. She's very emotionaly scarred and considering an unhealthy coping mechanism. She looks incredibly sad. And she's deflecting with humour to the question because she's probably not ready to talk about it. So her delivery here, plus the strange joke/comparison and calling Caitlyn "Cupcake" (which she's only done when she's teasing her in a flirty or funny way or deflecting the conversation by doing so) is telling Caitlyn that she's not okay right now, but that she isn't going to leave. "

I interpret "Nothing's gonna clean me out" as her basically saying "I'm tough, I'll get through this" to Caitlyn's "How are you?" and saying "You're not getting rid of me" to Caitlyn's "Are you going to stay?"

Furthermore, calling herself "The dirt underneath your fingernails" has an obvious implication about her being a Zaunite and Caitlyn being from Pilotover. I've seen some people saying this is insulting to Vi's character and to Zaun's storyline.... I don't think so at all. Yeah, I can get to see a layer of self-depreciating humor, but for me this is Vi using her humour as well to reinforce herself and her identity as a Zaunite (which arguably she left aside/lost sight of during Act I) while also teasing Caitlyn for being a topsider. I like to interpret this as Vi saying "Yeah, Piltie, I'm sticking with you and I will keep bothering you". The tone and calling Cait "Cupcake" reinforces this as a tease as well. Reinstating her identity as a Zaunite also gives insight on Vi's position on the Zaun-Piltover new relationship: yes, she's willing to help out manage this, always from the position of a kid from the Lanes.

Zaun and Piltover are also stuck together after the ending - they've fought together against a common enemy and that has also forced Piltover's elite to sit and listen to Zaun's demands. For sure Piltover's aristocracy still has to get their heads out of their asses but this is how I like to read the phrase in regards to Zaun-Piltover, layered upon what Vi is saying: I am the dirt underneath you = I (Zaun's state and problems) am a consequence of your (Piltover's) actions and I am not going anywhere. (You will have to listen).

Anyways, lots of rambling and I'll still be missing stuff!

Another thing is, native spanish speakers as I am use the phrase "Nail and flesh" to say that two people are inseparable, and this has enough similarity to that for it to feel like Vi is also saying they are inseparable. So yeah

[space-blue]

By (vague) popularity order and with a ◈ when completed and ◇ for WIPs.

Last updated 19th June 2023

Multi-chapter

◇ Fathers and Daughters ≽ Silco adopts both Vi and Powder.

◈ While the World Turns Around  ≽ Silco/Vander post betrayal reconciliation AU (from the PoV of Vander)

◇ The Shimmer Baron’s Family ≽ Regency AU with estranged family, set during a ball at the Medarda estate.

◈ What I wouldn’t do for you  ≽ Silco and Vander role swap, Silco adopts the kids and runs the Last Drop.

◇ The Darkin Child ≽ Viktor, Singed and Silco are vampire-adjacent monsters, Vander is a werewolf. Married zaundads with Viktor returning to Zaun in hiding.

◇ Our Love, That Flows Into the Sea ≽ Silco/Vander post betrayal reconciliation AU — BUT from the PoV of Silco 

◈ Whatever I do, this is where we end ≽ Dark (dead dove) Silco time loop told from the PoV of Vander who gets reset every time unknowingly.

◈ Cursed, by a brush of your hand ≽ Silco/Vander soulmate AU with the soulmark as a potentially lethal curse and aroace Silco, bff Renata Glasc

◇ The Centaur Breaker ≽ Centaur AU with Silco as a rancher in a fantasy world (not US far west), rescuing captured centaurs. Vander, Sevika, Jinx & Vi as centaurs.

☆ Arcane Art Dump ≽ The final home of all my Arcane fanarts worth saving.

One Shots

◈ Worries, and ways to dispel them ≽ Silco x Reader part I

◈ Explosions, and their fallout ≽ Silco x Reader part II

◈ The Monster Within ≽ Post-betrayal Silco recovers, and cuts his hair.

◈ The Monster Without ≽ Post-Betrayal Vander, slowly losing his mind.

◈ Son of Zaun ≽ Silco’s first trip to the surface with his mother.

◈ Without Questions ≽ Vander doesn't understand what Silco sees in him, but he's not willing to question it.

◈ Adoption ≽ Vander and Silco are still brothers. They discuss adopting the girls in this no-betrayal AU.

◈ Pretty Blue Puffs of Arcane Smoke ≽ Silco and Powder discuss getting tattoos. Set in the Fathers and Daughters AU. 

◈ Who Saves The Boy Saviour? ≽ Nobody does. Jinx captures Ekko post finale and straps him to the chair Silco used on Vander. Short and dark.

◈ Last Chance ≽ Missing scene in the cannery, a private conversation between Vander and Silco.

◈ Maintenance ≽ A smutty Mek/Marcus with power dynamics in Silco’s office.

◈ Not Dead Yet ≽ Jinx finds a dead body in Zaun, but Viktor isn’t quite dead yet.

◈ A Terrible Gamble ≽ Jinx (and the Silco whispering in her mind) set off to rescue Vander from Singed’s lab after the events of season 2.

◈ A Touch of Memory ≽ A Star Wars AU one shot in the Old Republic with Sith Silco, Jinx and Sevika and Mandalorian Vander.

◈ A Haunting ≽ Heavy angst Vander & Silco meet shortly after the betrayal.

◈ In the Jaws of the Fox ≽  Double drabble for Mel/Jayce.

◈ Eat You Alive ≽ MCD fic. Dark!Vi kills Caitlyn as soon as they enter the Lanes.

◈ A New Tattoo  ≽ The story behind Mek’s tattoos.

◈ Hard Truths ≽ Ren tries to find to meaning to her father’s death, ends up meeting Jinx in Zaun.

◈ Dramatics ≽ Vander sick fic that matches the Silco one Just A Cough

◈ Bullseye ≽ Mel Medarda/Grayson. Mel takes the sheriff with her to visit a progress day and asks her to show off in a shooting range (500 words).

◈ Memories of Sweetness ≽ Set in the Fathers and Daughters AU. "Silco + Comfort food” prompt fic.

Series

Arcane Parenting Week - 7 works, completed, 14.6k

Son of Zaun - 21 works, ongoing, 138k

Trans Arcane Week 2022 - 1 work in 3 chapters, fic + fanart, 1.4k

◈ Then the dreadful night shall break ≽ A Dark!Obi-Wan fic set during and after the Zygerria slave arc.

◈ Never Too Late ≽ Obi-Wan is the first to reach out to Dooku after QGJ’s death, changing everything.

◇ The Tactician ≽ Thrawn/OC fic with banter, tactical board games, art gallery dates and rebellious intrigue.

◈ The Sharpshooter and the Runaway ≽ AU where Omega is left behind with Crosshair in ep.1 and has to rescue both of them.

◈ Cross Over My Heart ≽ Omega and Crosshair have remained with the Empire for 5 years, training death troopers together. They finally have a lead on TBB. A dark AU.

◇ I’ll Make It Worth Your While ≽ Cad Bane is saved by a young Twi'lek urchin, and adopts her.

◈ By Firelight ≽ In the deep forests of Saleucami, a hunter tracks dangerous game. At the forest’s edge a wounded man wakes, alone and abandoned. Chef!Cody and Hunter!Obi-Wan AU

◇ A Future In The Stars ≽ AU where Taron Malicos and Merrin join the crew of the Mantis instead of fighting Cal.

◇ Che'ri of the Mitth ≽ Thrawn leaves without explanations, and Che'ri, hiding her growing powers, does what it take to follow and find him.

◇ A Worthy Gift ≽ The first and currently only Thrawn/Kenobi fic.

◇ A New Path ≽ Double time travel in which Obi-Wan and Anakin return to pre war era after each of their respective death.

◈ Eli Vanto’s Drama, According To The Reader ≽ Genderless Reader/Eli Vanto. No Y/N. Mostly cute stuff.

◇ In Confidence ≽ The vode gets therapy. Or they will, eventually, if Sammy’s got anything to say about it.

◇ The First Letter Of Your Name ≽ An experimental sequels rewrite, where Korkie raises his daughter Rey as a single father on Jakku.

◇ The Seeker ≽ The Offee clan sends an envoy to Mirial's surface to welcome a revered but dangerous guest. Ahsoka Tano comes seeking answers but finds herself asking new questions instead. A fic to explore Mirialan culture and Ahsoka & Barriss.

◈ Gold on Blue  ≽ Co-written with @spicedrobot​, it’s a Cad Bane x Thrawn fic with fanart.

One Shots

◈ Under Cool Hands ≽ Kenobi sickfic with fever dreams and Ahsoka caring for him.

◈ Padmé’s Mean Straight Jab ≽ Crack AU where Padmé gets back up on Mustafar and punches the Dark Side right out of Anakin’s head.

◈ Busy Day at the Count’s Kafe ≽ A barista Ahsoka fic, where the disaster lineage owns a coffee shop together.

◈ A Possession Most Prized ≽ Foxiyo light smut.

◈ A familiar face ≽ Kenobi show fic in the PoV of the Clone veteran.

◈ Moonlit Marshal, Silver and White ≽ Cute DinCobb smut.

◈ A Wayward Sith Lord And A Former Jedi Walk Into A Cantina ≽ 5 years after Order 66 Maul stumbles on Obi-Wan in Mos Eisley. They have a long overdue talk.

◈ The Last Laugh ≽ Tiny crack smutfic featuring Hardeen/Dooku.

◈ A Single Slice of Lemon Cake ≽ Cad Bane is out with Meeyan when he spots two men he knows in the cafe next door, enjoying their date. Cute BobaDin from an outside pov.

◈ Forsaken ≽ Crosshair gets his chip removed on Kamino as part of Tarkin’s evaluation of clone loyalty and waits for his brothers to come rescue him (in vain).

◈ Unspoken Words ≽ What’s going on in Captain Howzer’s mind when he’s ordered to capture Hera.

◈ Chosen ≽ A sad but hopeful fic with Ahsoka as Obi-Wan’s padawan following Anakin’s death. A favourite of mine!

◈ The Bogling and the Nightsister ≽ Merrin ficlet. Her first night aboard the Mantis.

◈ Lucky Pair ≽ Sith Obi-Wan adopts Anakin in Episode I.

◈ The Hangry Sith and the Frantic Chef ≽ Crack Chef!Cody AU with Sith!Ahsoka and Sith!Obi-Wan.

◈ Leia’s Wicked Left Hook ≽ Follow up to Padmé’s story. Leia punches Han when he won’t take no for an answer.

◈ The Bounty Hunter's Gift ≽ Sith Obi-Wan is offered a precious gift, in the shape of captured Jedi Maul.

◈ First and Second Impressions ≽ The first time Crosshair really talks with Hunter he isn’t impressed. Years later, as the war takes a turn for the surviving members of the 99 series, Hunter gives him reason to reconsider.

◈ Just Who I Was Looking For ≽ Barriss & Ahsoka share moment during the war.

◈ Sonderan’s Last Curator ≽ How Luthen and Kleya met (Andor).

◈ Wood, Ink and Iridescent Beetle Wings ≽ Thrawn prepares a presend for Thrass. A story from childhood.

◈ Under Mum'Ur’s Pale Eye ≽ OCtober angst prompt sees a padawan in hiding rush to rescue an imperial pilot.

◈ Girl Gang vs. Ronan ≽ Written for Tumblr, Reader joins Faro and Ar'alani to beat up Ronan. Very short and kind of silly.

◈ Haunted Nights ≽ Edrio Two Tubes is woken by Saw from a nightmare. They talk.

Series

Mace Windu Appreciation Week - 7 works. Completed

Obitine Week 2021 - 8 works! Completed

Obi-Wan Kenobi Dies Once a Month in 2021 - 12 works!! Completed

The Bad Bacta Affair ≽ I wrote the third and final installment of this multi-author story.

This is a collection, so I’m cheating… The Daycare AU has 3 stories currently, 2 by me, featuring Jyn Erso & Obi-Wan and Crosshair/Malicos. It’s an AU where Kenobi joins TBB with the twins and collects other Jedi, forming a space-badass-daycare for the SW kids in need of rescuing.

☆ Fanart is a dump series for my fanart AO3 posts.

◈ For Always ≽ Maliketh x non-Tarnished Reader story following the events of the game and exploring Maliketh’s backstory.

◈ Elden Ring Art Dump ≽ Focused on Maliketh, Blaidd and Tarnished

◈ Little Brother ≽ Blaidd & Maliketh one shot focused on their first meeting, on the eve of Balidd being sword as a shadow to Ranni.

◇ That Thing Is My Friend ≽ A silly AU in which the Tarnished enlists Blaidd to help free Maliketh of his curse of Death.

◈ A Growing Ache ≽ On a quest to find more deathroot for your friend Gurranq, you find yourself reflecting on the cycle of death and rebirth, even as a suspicious ache grows in your side.

☆ Elden Ring Art Dump ≽ As it says on the tin. 

Art and Lore

☆ Avart 2 Art Dump

☆  Meet Kesa of the Txepiva

☆ Recom Week event.

Multi-chapter

◇ Five Is An Awful Number ≽ Prompt fic of a Na’vi woman fascinated by Quaritch’s five fingered hand.

◇ A Little Luck ≽ Canon divergence where Mansk rescues Tuk from the railing of the sinking Sea Dragon.

◇ A Trail Of Crumbs ≽ A Quaritch centric fic in which he falls down the RDA conspiracy rabbit hole, and discovers how much of his new life is based on lies.

One Shots

◈ Songcord ≽ Missing scene. Spider has an awkward time explaining to Quaritch what a songcord is, and what the beads on his stand for.

◈ As Long As It Takes ≽ Rotxo stands vigil outside the Sully’s home while Kiri is unconscious. He confronts one of her bullies.

◈ A Friendly Hand ≽ Asexual!Mansk gives a friendly hand to sexually frustrated bestie Z dog.

◈ To Make Roa Proud ≽ Ronal takes Kiri out for a chat and a lesson.

◈ Rations ≽ Second person avatar driver pov focusing on RDA rations.

Original Works

Apricots and Sunshine ≽ The Batman 2022, BatCat kiss in Battinson pov.

In a Red Sea - And Other Stories ≽ Daily Hannibal ficlets on musical prompts.

Ode To Jackie ≽ Cyberpunk 2077.

You Would Not Be Kind ≽ Little Red Riding Hood retelling.

Ambition  ≽ LoL 2nd person fic in which you guide Jericho Swain to Ionian ruins.

Portrait Of An Artist In Love ≽ Love Death + Robots (vaguely) inspired Fic.

Mocha In a Bowl ≽ 2nd person fic in which you are Elias’ favourite barista.

A Higher Power ≽ Jonelias soulmate fic.

TMA Art Dump ≽ Magnus Archives art, mostly Elias or Jonelias.

Winds of Change ≽ Citizen Sleeper fic.

[nothingbythebook]

i.

I plug up the charging port of my phone with chocolate—dark, Bernard Callebaut, delish—on the plane on the way to London, so, in the gym of a college in Brigend, Wales, I need to borrow a phone equipped with international roaming to text Calgary. People are good; I’m given not just the phone but an invitation to FaceTime. But I just need the text message, and I just need to send three little words.

Jane: She nailed it.

Sean texts back fireworks. And I know, 6894 kilometers apart, we are both breathing easy for the first time in months.

She nailed it.

She did it.

She got here, and she nailed it.

Traditional Tang Soo Do Federation, Black Belt Test, April 25, 2019, Wales

ii.

Rewind one agonizing month and three days. It is the end of a horrible night—horrible month—horrible quarter—and I am at the Alberta Children’s Hospital with Flora. They’re talking admission. She’s crying.

Flora: How am I going to get to Wales?

The rational answer is, you’re not. You can’t, right now, get out of the hospital bed to go to the washroom.

Jane: I promise. I will get you to Wales.

She believes me.

The doctors—and her father—don’t.

But she believes me.

And so, I must believe myself.

Signing in

iii.

Rewind seven years. Flora’s first Tang Soo Do class. Her motivation for joining is pretty simple: her big brother and his friend disappear off the Common to go to Tang Soo Do two nights a week, and she wants to be one of the gang.

I don’t want her to start the martial art any more than I wanted Cinder to. My spine, pelvis, joints are still paying the price for my brief glory days in the dojang, on the mats, in the ring.

I don’t want her to damage any part of her precious self.

But even at seven, Flora is unstoppable.

Her brother and his friend both quit Tang Soo Do later that year. Flora doesn’t miss a class.

Pre-test pep talk from Master Experience Senior

iv.

If you’re wondering why a Canadian girl practicing a Korean martial art—that’s what Tang Soo Do is—has to go to Wales for her black belt test—you’ve figured out, yeah, that’s why we are in Wales? her black belt test?—the short answer is globalization, Cold War, and warped patriotism. I can give you the long answer sometime in person; it makes no sense either, but it is what it is.

Anyway. She doesn’t have to go to Wales. She could test for her black belt in Calgary, under her local master. And she could do it next month, next year.

Flora: I have to go to Wales in April.

A year ago, when she started the arduous pre-tests required for her black belt, and the possibility of testing in Wales before a panel of strange masters was floated before her, she wasn’t sure she wanted to go. In fact, she was sure she didn’t want to go. It was too scary, it was too big, it was… No. She didn’t want to go.

Flora: Also, it’s so expensive. And we don’t have the money.

Jane: If you want to go, we will find the money.

We talk about it now, why she didn’t want to go. She’s  not sure. She was already battling her illness, although she didn’t quite know it yet. Was that a factor, on some level? Maybe.

Flora: Maybe I was just afraid.

Maybe.

There are many definitions of courage. The best one: doing the thing you need, want to do even though you’re fucking terrified.

Bow-in

v.

I practiced the Korean martial art of Taekwon-do with the same kind of devotion Flora gives to Tang Soo Do, between the ages of 11 and 27. Then, babies, life. Spinal injuries.

I have a peculiar relationship with my martial arts history. On the one hand, it’s the reason I can’t jump or run. Or skate or ski—not that I care about that so much, winter sports, yuck. Or walk very fast or do that position in yoga or that stretch, ever again. But also—those years in the dojang, those hours in the ring… they’ve formed so much of who I am now. For better or for worse… mostly for the better. I like me. So. Could I be who I am without them?

Probably not.

My personal history with the martial arts also means that I keep myself at a bit of a distance from Flora’s path in her martial art. She doesn’t want me to watch her classes, and, even as I drive her to them—first twice a week, then three times, then four—I am grateful for that. I drop her off, and I read, write, shop. Pick her back up. Never give advice. Neither criticism nor encouragement. And absolutely no backseat coaching. But, we do talk about tangentally relevant stuff.

Flora: I hate the other kids’ parents.

Jane: In general, or in class?

Flora: In class. Why would you put a kid in martial arts if they didn’t want to be there?

At nine, she’s resentful of the classmates who act out, who need to be cajoled to attend, work, perform. By 11, she’s typed certain parents as “athletic failures” who are trying to “live out their dreams” through their kids.

Flora: And seriously, ok, if you’re going to make your kids do martial arts—the least you could do is not criticize their forms and kicks from the sidelines. You know?

I know. I hated parents too, when I was a coach and an instructor.

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Calgary Crew pep talk from the Masters Experience, before Traditional Tang Soo Do Federation United Kingdom Open Championships Tournament (April 27, 2019)

vi.

I don’t ask Flora what she gets out of her time on the dojang floor. That’s for her to know—for her to reveal if she wants to.

She never really tells me. Sometimes, it looks like peace. In that last awful quarter, it is the only peace she has.

I don’t quite remember anymore what it is I got out of it, to be honest. Mastery, accomplishment, yes. Release, relief.

A kid, a teenage girl, treated as a peer, mentor by adults—a sense of belonging. Empowerment.

  vii.

Doctor: So I’d really like you to rethink Wales.

Flora: I’m going to Wales. Mom promised she’d take me, no matter what.

Doctor: I see. Do you think your mom—do you really think your mom can handle it?

Jane: That doesn’t enter into the equation. I told her, I promised, I would take her to Wales.

We repeat the conversation, three, six times over the three weeks Flora is in the hospital. Including on the last day.

Doctor: You know what I think about Wales.

Flora: You know what I think about Wales.

Sean: Are you really sure you can get her to Wales?

I think, perhaps, this is the legacy of my time in the dojang. I am terrified. I feel I am taking my child out of the hospital and out of the country against medical advice.

I am fully aware of everything that could go wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong.

I am not, actually, sure I can get her on the plane. Into her uniform. Onto the dojang floor for the test. I am sure of only one thing.

She wants to go to Wales, she needs to go to Wales, and I promised her she would go.

Jane: Yes.

Ready

viii.

The worst thing that happens on the way to Wales is that I plug up the charging pod of my iPhone with chocolate, and so can’t take photographs or text.

Everything else goes perfectly.

Flora: Too perfectly. Aren’t you afraid?

Jane: Hush. No jinxes.

We allot extra time for everything, and we meet every deadline. She’s a rock star. I keep on waiting for her, exhausted, to come apart.

Flora: After my test. I think I might be a mess after the test.

We get to Wales on a sunny Tuesday afternoon at 4 p.m. after about 20 hours in transit. At 8 p.m., it’s raining, and Flora’s in her first Welsh Tang Soo Do class with the Welsh Master. At midnight, she’s passed out in my arms, shaking.

Flora: We made it.

We don’t doubt, neither one of us, she’s going to make it to her test on Thursday.

Hill with a view, Wales, somewhere between Porthcawl and Treorchy

ix.

On Wednesday morning, an 8:30 a.m. class, ninety minutes of focused practice for the six Canadian students, four of whom ate testing for their black belts. When we get back to our Welsh lodgings, I feed her, tell her to rest, and take myself for a walk, on which I cry.

I really didn’t know how I was going to get her here.

I did.

OMFG, I did.

I have, over the past four, five months, been a really shitty, powerless, useless parent. Her illness blindsided me. I didn’t understand it, I didn’t know what to do with it—and I resented its encroachment into my creative, professional and personal life as much as I resented the suffering it inflicted on her.

But I got her to fucking Wales, and tomorrow, she’s going to test for her black belt, and while this is not atonement for the horrible things I did, said, and, worst of all, thought over the past four months… this moment is what matters.

I come back to the lodgings with aching eyes but a light heart.

Find Flora puking into the wastebasket in our room.

Jane: Nerves?

She wishes.

The puking continues for 12 hours. Food poisoning, the flu. I don’t know, it doesn’t matter.

I work to keep her hydrated. Feed her Gravol, which she pukes up, and Tylenol cold and flu medication, which I think she keeps down.

Flora: Can I have some chocolate?

She probably shouldn’t, but what the fuck, what could possibly be worse? I feed her chocolate, she pukes it up.

Flora: How can this happen? How am I going to test for my black belt tomorrow?

Jane: It doesn’t matter if it’s food poisoning or the flu. These things usually last no more than 24 hours. You���re going to stop puking by noon tomorrow, and the test isn’t until 6 p.m. Everything will be fine.

I don’t believe a word I say, but I talk as if I do.

Flora: Suppose I’m still puking in the evening?

Jane: We will strategically position a garbage can within lunging reach.

I’m joking. And she laughs. And pukes some more.

x.

She’s puke-free for a solid 16 hours when we arrive at the community college that’s hosting the test. White as a sheet and achy all over, but puke-free. Still, her master speaks to the Welsh master organizing the test, tells him Flora was sick all of yesterday—is worried she might start throwing up again on the floor.

Welsh Master: Wouldn’t be the first time sometime puked at their black belt test.

He fetches a garbage can from beside the entrance to the gym, and positions it within lunging distance of Flora. Tips her a wink.

As it turns out, she doesn’t need it.

Jane: When the Master was talking to you at the first part of the test, what was he saying?

I’m expecting… I don’t know. Words of encouragement. “Do your best.” “I know you’ve been sick, I’ll cut you some slack.”

Flora: He told me to kick faster.

Ah, martial arts instructors. Your sensitivity and empathy made me the ruthless bitch I am today.

x.

She nailed it.

No puking, from flu nor nerves.

No faltering.

No errors.

A flawless performance.

I am not a fawning parent. I am a merciless critic. There was, actually, one kick during which her hip position left something to be desired. But, you should have seen her spar…

Flora’s teammate sparring one tough chick from South Africa (April 27)

xi.

Rewind three months.

Flora: Will you teach me how to spar?

I’m… taken aback.

Over the last year or two, every once in a while, Flora and I goof around in our crowded living room, and I show her how we taught sparring strategy and movement.

Flora: We don’t do any of that in class. We just fight, and not very often. And I’m terrible at it.

She is. Everyone at her school, forgive the bluntness, is. Sparring isn’t just throwing random kicks and punches at each other. It’s strategy, it’s art. Dance and a game.

I used to be really good at it. But it’s been a long time. And I can’t jump or bounce, and there’s one leg I cannot balance on at all, and them fucked up hips…

Jane: Ok.

Two weeks later, I’m coaching Flora’s entire class, including her instructors, on sparring strategy. It’s a little surreal. “Listen to the cripple on the floor.” “Do what I say, not what I can’t do.”

Thing is… I’m still good at explaining this shit to people. Angles, circles, reaction times, telegraphing, fake outs.

We don’t have a lot of time, so I stick to three basic rules and drill them in deep.

In her test, Flora applies every single one.

Flora: I fell on my ass twice.

Jane: Neither of those times did you get hit as you fell. So, you know. I call that a win.

Calgary Crew and their medals (April 27)

xii.

The test is on Thursday. Friday is a day of rest.

Saturday, a tournament.

Flora’s first.

Neither of us gives a flying fuck about the tournament. This trip was never about the tournament. It was about that black belt test rite of passage. If I can’t get her to the tournament—if she can’t get to the tournament—if she gets to the tournament and gets eliminated first round, starts puking or gets sick before she gets on the floor—it doesn’t matter. She’s already won.

Flora: I made it to Wales.

Jane: You made it to Wales. And you’re going home with a black belt.

Flora: They didn’t tell me I passed.

Jane: You know you passed.

She smiles.

She knows it too.

My girl.

xoxo

“Jane”

PS At the tournament, she doesn’t medal. But, she doesn’t choke, faint, falter or puke. She performs a beautiful, perfect traditional form and she survives a sparring match against a much better opponent. She cheers on her dojang mates. Makes new friends.

Finds out she nailed her black belt test, as did all of the Calgarians.

Flora: Fuck, yeah.

Fuck, yeah.

Coming home with a black belt.

Now, swap “girl” for “boy,” and enjoy:

Kick like a girl i. I plug up the charging port of my phone with chocolate—dark, Bernard Callebaut, delish—on the plane on the way to London, so, in the gym of a college in Brigend, Wales, I need to borrow a phone equipped with international roaming to text Calgary.