#IGNORED due to CIRCUMSTANCES BEYOND MY CONTROL that i cant really blame anyone for and i aknowledge this and therefore all is resolved

[kobeniliker]

im mad at my parents and i dont want to do my summer schoolwork. or, insignificant ramblings from a child who doesn't know anything.

Guilt of rest is all consuming. Cant take harsh words from you. This is your fault, not the system we live in. you say, as i run on a hamster wheel, in a cycle of meaningless work and meaningful tears. Endless. I cant take breaks. The world is quite literally on fire. How is this any reprieve? I turn a blind eye and become ignorant for a time, though as it turns out i am always ignorant because at least im not the one being bombed or tortured or killed. Be grateful. 

the breaks i take are too long, when i do rest. The world keeps fucking turning. Wake up in a body that aches and a brain that is too loud. Wake in a room that feels like being cooked in an oven even through air conditioning, but its still better than outside. Wake up in a world where this is just another day. Its so hard just to keep on living. You want me to do more? Its a miracle im still alive. 

Why cant we be content with that. Why do you expect great things from me now. I will be great in my own time. I have done great things. I have laughed, i have cried, i have immersed myself in the dark and cold,  i have made music from wood and steel, i have listened, i have spoken, and i will do so much more. It is not enough, though. It is not profitable. 

Your happiness is not profitable. Why buy when you have all you need? Your misery is profitable. The drive to have enough, to consume, to feel secure. I am neither. I am angry. I want to make them suffer and drag them down and make them feel all the confusion and pain and fear and anger of a queer neurodivergent hispanic honors student living in the world that they fucking built. And then. And then i want to tear it down.

The world will keep turning either way. 

[paradigmsofbrittaperry]

long rambly band thing under the cut lol

okay so I cant remember how much I’ve talked about this on here, but I’ve had a lot of Not Great Experiences over the past two years when it comes to band, despite the activity being my favorite in the whole entire world. the tl;dr is that my beloved director left my school after my junior year and left me in charge as drum major, but his replacement was awful and a bunch of bullshit happened and many of my close friends stabbed me in the back and then I went on to have a pretty bad season of indoor drumline that got cut short b/c of covid. that summary glossed over A LOT and the outcome of everything was that a lot of personal progress I’d made got undone and I was left with incredible amounts of baggage and lots of trauma to work through. this past year and a half has been HARD as fuck and I’ve swung wildly between trying to ignore everything and burying myself in trying to figure out what went wrong. problem has been that its infected every part of my life; I panic when I run into anyone who hurt me and my friends during that time, the most innocuous things remind me of the worst of these years and can send me into fits of crying, I’m plagued by thoughts of inadequacy and blaming myself for everything that happened, the works. ALL OF THIS EXPLANATION TO SAY yesterday was the start of a new chapter. it was the final competition of my first season teaching cymbals. it’s been a great experience and I’ve had the best students in the world, so I was really sad to see it end. over the second half of the day, I had three separate emotional conversations with my kids that honestly have given me the inner peace that I’ve been dreaming of since this bullshit started in the winter of 2019. before their final run, I wished them luck, told them I was proud of them, and thanked them for being such great students. they thanked me in return for being a great tech. after the awards ceremony, I got to bestow each of them with third place medals and reiterated how grateful I was for our time together. one of my kids went right for my tear ducts and told me that in their five years of marching, I was the tech that had taught them the most practical cymbal skills. another who joined after the start of the season said they hadn’t been sure if they were going to stay the whole season, but now, they planned on coming back for another. they all thanked me again and told me that I’d been an amazing tech after I gave them their medals and one of them gave me mine. our final conversation took place after our final goodbye meeting, and the two kids who aren’t graduating made sure that I would be back and said they’d be sad if I wasn’t their tech next year. I start crying after they left, which left the other two to find me crying in a corner of the room and hug me so that I would start crying even harder lol. 

so the takeaway of these conversations and how they gave me peace. for the past year and a half, there’s been some part of me constantly questioning if I’m actually a good person or not; the logic being that half a dozen of my closest friends wouldn’t have turned on me for no good reason, that I had to have done something to hurt them for them to try so hard to destroy my reputation and tear me off an imagined pedestal. at the end of my junior year of high school, I was comfortably in a place where I liked myself and saw my value and hardly questioned my character. the events of the next marching season changed all of that and nothing had fixed it since. but in these conversations, these kids told me that I was good. that I had made a positive impact on their lives. that I had changed their lives to an extent, that I had broken a pattern of shitty techs for them, that despite most of MY past techs letting me down, that only made me work twice as hard to show my kids that I cared and put my all into never letting them down the way I have been. that the people who worked so hard to tear me down were wrong; I CAN do good and I DON’T deserve to be in a constant state of hating myself for things that were entirely out of my control because I proved over the course of several months that in the right circumstances, I can thrive. I can do good. the little voice in my head telling me that I’m a bad person has quieted over the past 24 hours. telling people how much they mean to you is difficult, terrifying, near impossible sometimes. but I did enough good for these kids that they all were incredibly open and honest with me about how much they appreciated me and how much they wanted to see me again and how I had made their season better. and it was overwhelming!! after a season of being told I was responsible for every bad thing followed by one where I was largely ignored and underestimated? this was so, SO healing. I was able to look kids in the eye and tell them I loved them without fear of judgement. they did the same. it’s not forgiveness or an apology from the people that hurt me, but it’s closure. I was able to move past the past and use it as motivation to do good. I hate the idea that trauma makes us grow, because I’m still mourning the me that I lost due to mine. I used to value the fact that I was so gentle and kind, but those two seasons made me shed much of that. I don’t think I’ll ever be that kind again, but a kid told me yesterday that I was the sweetest staff member they’d ever known. I almost cried on the spot, because it means I’m healing!! these kids brought my soft side out of retirement!! and I didn’t fear getting hurt again when I was being gentler!! and my attitude came entirely from treating these kids the way I wasn’t, the way I wished I had been. I finally found a shred of joy and a positive outcome from all that I was put through. and it feels so fucking good that I’m crying writing this. my bitterness has largely dissolved, because I have proof that I’ve grown past everyone and everything that hurt me. not everything will get better overnight. but I know for a fact that my past won’t continue to consume me as much as it has.

this is a rambly mess, so props to you if you made it to the end!! I just. I remembered why the fuck I love band at all and I’m grateful beyond words to have found closure and made peace with events that have chased me around for almost two years now. it’s like letting out a breath that I’ve been holding for that long with no reprieve. I miss my kids so fucking much already.