#IDGAF ITS A DAY EARLY THIS WAS GOING UP THE SECOND I WAS DONE

[planetsam]

Alex breaks the second prison and winds up on the wrong end of another alien’s abilities. Fighting on his own is nothing new, neither is fighting his own body. Being trapped there by an alien is. Will he be able to make it back?Day 5: Canon, canon divergence, what-ifs, fix-its 

Day 6: Crossovers, fusions, other fandoms (Harry Potter)

“Hogwart’s Champion will be Michael Guerin!” Everyone cheers loudly as a young man gets to his feet from the red and gold table. He grins and bows and makes his way to the room, “And the Ilvermorny inaugural Champion is Alex Manes.”

Liz shrieks and throws her arms around him. Maria whistles. They are a delegation but they are loud as hell. Alex gets to his feet and moves past the Headmaster. This is a serious responsibility and he plans to take it that way. The last time this kind of inter school tournament was held, the Great War happened. Now it’s time to try again. Ilvermorny has never been invited. But in this new age of cooperation and brotherhood, the doors have been opened. Alex has walked through them, the first of his kind. Michael is standing in the room already and immediately gets to his feet, sticking out his hand.

“I’m Michael,” he says.

“I know,” Alex says before he rememberers, “shit. Sorry, I’m Alex,” he says sticking out his hand. Michael grins widely.

“I like you,” he says, “this is gonna be fun.”

Alex swallows and realizes he might be in trouble.

The weighing of the wands is the first big when they are all together again.

Alex hands his wand over, fighting the urge to adjust his blue robes. Wands, like so many things, are viewed differently here. It’s not normal to handle another wizard’s wand and just handing it over seems—wrong. Even his father has never touched it, but Alex always does his best to keep his father away from his stuff. He hands the wand over.

“Ebony and Unicorn hair,” the wizard says and produces a shower of sparks, handing the wand back.

Michael watches the exchange before he is motioned forward. His own wand is Apple and Thestral hair. He gets it back from the wizard checking the wand after they create rings of red smoke and shoot a gold arrow through them. Still he’s glad to have the pale wood back in his hands.

“Looks like we’re the first two in everything,” he says, “maybe it’ll be that way when the tasks start.”

Michael flashes him what Alex is quickly realizing as his signature grin. It makes something warm curl in Alex’s belly and his fingers itch. He’s been doing wandless magic for much longer than he’s had a wand, but that’s something he doesn’t want to advertise. He’ll never hear the end of it. But Michael continuously makes him feel like he’s swallowed a firework. So Alex does what he always does in these kinds of situations and completely blows it.

“I think the last time two champions tied, things didn’t go so well,” he says.

Four things happen in rapid succession:

Michael’s jaw falls open.

Alex’s heart crashes into his stomach.

Michael laughs in a way that is more undignified and more charming than Alex think he’s ever heard.

Alex shoves his hands into his pockets before anyone can see the sparks Michael’s laugh makes him create.

He thinks he might be in love.

There are to be four tasks, for each school participating. The first is a test of the mind. Alex is almost relieved. He is amazing with puzzles.

It’s also a glorified rubbix cube.

He has been doing them since he was a kid.

He wins, Michael comes in a close second.

“I never thought those cheap ass toys would come in handy one day!” He says, “thank you toy drives!”

Alex looks at him in surprise. There is still the remnants of a caste system here. To be fair, Michael’s lack of a british accent sets him apart, but hearing that he grew up in a nomaj orphanage is not what Alex expects. The other two champions seem confused about the references so Michael locks onto him again.

“My mom bought one for me when i was a kid,” he says, hoping that doesn’t cross a line, “i’m surprised it lasted as long as it did.”

“Oh i stole my brothers before i figured out  how to solve it,” Michael says, “but hey at least that frustration was worth it.”

He claps Alex on the back and Alex swallows tightly before nodding.

“Yeah,” he says, “totally worth it.”

The second is a task of body.

Michael wins by being completely reckless at every turn.

Alex ties by being brave but not stupid.

They both wind up cursed anyway.

He hears Michael yell somewhere in the ornate maze they’re running through. He goes to assist because you can do that only to see Michael sucker punch someone. He whips around and his eyes widen before he casts something over Alex’s shoulder. The curse goes wide and the force in Alex’s leg is blinding. He turns mid stumble before he remembers all the reasons not to and throws the spell without a wand. It slams into them. He winds up almost on top of Michael who is clutching his hand. He instantly recognizes the curse, a much much older one than the one that was just thrown. Michael is frantically checking a bracelet around his wrist. He looks up and sees Alex and they stare at each other silently.

“We have to go,” He says. Alex can feel what’s happening and hangs his head.

“Go ahead,” he says, easing back and pulling up his pant leg.

“What—“ Michael trails off at the sight of the metal. Alex swears and runs his fingers down it, shifting the bent pieces back into place. He rolls his pant leg down and looks up to see Michael’s hand thrust out in front of him. The twisted one, not the good one, “come on,” He says.

Alex takes his hand and Michael shifts the bracelet, the hand shifting back to match the other. Alex never bothered with the illusions that would make his legs match, he never saw the point. If his leg made people uncomfortable that wasn’t his problem. They find the keys they will need along with their maps and cross the line together. They match in points and get additional ones for sportsmanship.

“How did you do that with your hand?” Michael asks.

“We usually learn wandless magic first,” He says. Michael nods, “I could show you sometime?” A relieved smile cracks Michael’s face.

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

“Max asked me to the ball!” Liz says breathlessly.

Right. The ball.

Alex is under no illusions he’s being scrutinized. He is the first champion from his school, he’s performed magic without a wand and a handful of people known he has a metal leg. There are a lot of things Alex has struggled with in his life and things he wants to keep to himself. His sexuality isn’t one of them.

“You need a date,” the headmistress explains in one of their meetings.

“Do I need a date or do I need to dance with a girl?” Alex asks. She looks confused, “I’m gay,” he says, “I don’t date girls.”

“It’s proper to dance with a girl,” she says, “but no rules forbid dancing with a boy. I’m not sure how it would work—“ she trails off, “but I’m sure you can figure it out. You should be the one doing the lifts. Not being lifted.”

“I can manage,” he says.

He feels Michael staring at him. If this is the deal breaker in their tentative friendship, we’ll, Alex figured he might just have to deal with it. He didn’t take Michael for someone who had a problem with gay people, but he’s made that mistake before. Maybe it’s just the crush he has on him that’s making this worse. Alex tries not to think about it too hard. Maybe he can ask Maria to go with him as a friend, though he did walk in on her making out with a blonde he’d never seen but apparently matched her bra to her house colors, which he could fully appreciate.

“Alex!” Alex turns to see Michael jog up to him. He braces himself, “can I talk to you? Alone?”

“Now isn’t a great time,” he starts.

“Please?” Michael says.

Alex hesitates only a moment before nodding. Michael leads him down a hallway he’s never been in before. To his surprise he motions for him to stay where he is and he walks back and forth three times in front of a door before opening it and motioning Alex inside. Alex looks around at the room. It’s big and the floor and ceiling are mirrored. Hundreds of candles are around and even though he knows it’s daytime, massive windows open to a view of the grounds on a clear night. Michael looks around the room, surprised as well before their eyes lock and he grins.

“If this is some kind of prank because you found out I was gay, save it. I went to NoMaj middle school. There’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”

“No,” Michael says, confusion on his face, “why would you think that?”

“I felt you staring at me,” Alex says, trying to think of ways to make this hurt less.

“Well, yeah,” Michael says, “no one here comes out and says stuff like that. It’s all rumors,” he scuffs his foot. Hope should not feel this barbed, Alex thinks, “I’m bisexual,” he says.

“Oh,” Alex echoes.

“Yeah,” Michael says. Then he sets his shoulders, “you wanna go to the ball with me?”

“Huh?” Alex stares at him.

“We have the ball—“

“I know, you want to go with me?” He says, just to make sure he’s heard right. Michael nods his head, curls bouncing and Alex thinks the hope sparking in his chest might kill him. This time when his fingertips start to spark he doesn’t stick them in his pockets and Michael looks from his hands to his face, so earnest and hopeful he feels his defenses crack, “is that a yes?”

“Are you sure you want to tell everyone?” He asks.

Michael crosses the space between them, pausing only long enough to make sure he’s probably not going to get set on fire and then he mashes their mouths together. Alex makes a muffled noise of surprise. He’s gay but there’s not a lot of gay guys in his class. His hands fist in Michael’s robes before he can pull back and he focuses instead on how soft Michael’s lips are. He feels the moment something changes and shifts, the kiss becomes something he never wants to stop as Michael’s lips glide along his. Boldness stirs in Alex and he nips Michael’s bottom lip, making him groan into the kiss. Alex feels his hand on his lower back, tugging him closer and he gives up his hold to tug Michael’s curls. Michael pulls back and pushes their foreheads together, his scarred hand tucking hair behind Alex’s ear.

“I’m sure I want to go to the ball with you,” Michael breathes.  

“I guess we’re going to have to figure out those lifts.”

Once they kiss it is supremely difficult not to do it at every turn.

They fail. A lot.

Especially like right now when they are supposed to be studying but Michael has him up against the bookshelf, kissing and nibbling down his throat. Alex is biting back every sound he wants to make at the ministration but they still get caught in his chest, right around where Michael has his hands. He feels him smile against his throat.

“Shhhh,” he breathes against the skin, “this is a library.”

Alex tugs his hair and Michael pushes their hips together. Then he jerks back and pulls Alex with him, adjusting his robes as he goes. Alex follows as he pulls him back to the room where he asked him to the ball. Michael looks at him and Alex nods, following him back into the room and the bed that definitely wasn’t there before.

“What happened to your hand?” Alex asks after, when they lay tangled up in each other.

“Hippogriff accident,” Michael says. Alex shoves his shoulder, “why do you wanna know?”

“I wanna know everything about you,” Alex confesses.

“I got cursed when I was a kid,” Michael says. Alex wishes he didn’t know anyone who would curse a kid, but that’s not true. Instead he nuzzles closer to Michael, “I figured out how to contain it,” he says, “my brother helped.”

They fall silent until Michael glances down at his missing leg.

“Car accident,” Alex says, “I woke up in a NoMaj hospital.”

“Did you want to get it fixed?” Michael asks.

“They can’t,” Alex says, fighting the urge to get up and run. Michael’s hand tightens on his hip.

“Why not?”

“Same reason,” Alex says.

The thought occurs to him and it must show on his face. They rip apart at the same time and he almost falls off the bed, barely managing to get his feet under him. They scramble for their clothes and at least get their underthings on before they turn to face each other. Michael knows, is his first thought. The second his how the hell could Michael not tell him.

“My dad—“

“Alex—“

“My dad did that to you,” He says, “didn’t he?” Michael looks down, “how could you not tell me!”

“You’re not your dad,” Michael says, “I know you aren’t. Look what he did to you!”

“I have to go,” Alex says.

Michael’s gaze is hot on him but Alex doesn’t care. He has to get out of here. His dad maimed Michael. His dad maimed them both but for Michael it’s different. This feels like his fault. His dad would have maimed him either way. Michael probably could have escaped it if he had been luckier. Alex can’t look at him directly but he can see the marks he’s sucked into Michael’s skin. All he can see are the marks his family has left on him.

He flees.

Alex is used to being under scrutiny for any number of things. The only thing he tries to avoid acknowledging he’s being stared at for his his father. Jesse Manes is a monster. But he spent a long time as an insidious one, one that no one really looked at. Not until he tried to curse Kyle who has always been unbearably clever and determined. Kyle also doesn’t have a dad or a secret, but deep down Alex thinks that wouldn’t have made a difference. Kyle shows up, still weak and shaking from the curse his father threw and brings half of

MACUSA with him to throw his father in prison.

Alex has never been more proud to be in the same house as him.

It isn’t hard to find out what his father did. He’s responsible for ruining Michael’s life. Alex knows he isn’t his father and there are people like Kyle who have never thought of him that way. But there are plenty like Michael who have tied them together. Alex can’t blame them, but he doesn’t think it’s ever hurt so much before. Alex refuses to be a coward about this and forces himself to look at what his father did. It’s not just Michael’s hand. It’s Michael’s family. His father ruined Michael’s life and Michael didn’t say anything.

He has no idea how to feel about that.

“You can’t just assume he’s going to hate you,” Kyle argues as they run around the Quidditch pitch, “that’s not fair to either of you. Just talk to him.”

“I’d hate me,” Alex says.

“I don’t,” Kyle says, “which is why we’re here now.”

Alex whips around to see the Gryffindor Quidditch Team talking. Their Captain turns to Michael and Alex can see them arguing. Michael is a Beater, Max is a Keeper. The rest of the team looks bored as they snip at each other, but this is probably nothing new. The sharp whistle draws their attention and Alex sees the blonde jab her finger down. By the time he turns he and Michael are making eye contact. Kyle puts a hand on his shoulder and Alex takes back every nice thing he ever thought about him as Michael grabs his broom and gets down to where he is. He looks good in his robes but then again, Alex kind of thinks he’d look good in anything.

“I need to talk to you,” Michael says.

“That’s not a good—“

“Please,” He says, “it’s important.”

Alex can’t say no, much as he wants to. Irrationally he wishes that he was back at Ilvermorny with an ocean between him and Hogwarts. But he follows Michael as Michael shoulders his broom and leads him away, ignoring everyone else’s shouts. He leads him to the Great Lake. Alex forces himself to stand there as Michael turns to him.

“I don’t think you are you dad,” he says. Alex looks down, “I don’t blame you for this, I can keep you two separate—“

“No you can’t!” He shoots back, “my dad and I have the same blood. The thing that did that to you is in my veins.”

“That doesn’t matter to me,” Michael protests.

“You’re lying,” Alex says, “it’s fine. It would be weirder if it didn’t matter. You should find someone else to go to the ball with,” he turns to go and Michael grabs his arm. Alex rips it free, “don’t,” He says.

“You can’t decide this for both of us!” Michael yells after him, “Alex!”

He keeps walking, ignoring the shouts of his name. Michael can claim whatever he wants, the truth is that there is no way to untangle him from his dad. No more than he can untangle Michael from his curls, it will always be there. Always be a knife in their relationship. One of them has to have the sense to put an end to it before it hurts more. Alex takes it upon himself to be the one to rip the bandaid off.

He hates that Michael would get that reference.

Michael shows up at the ball with a pretty girl.

He goes with Kyle and still gets to cause a scandal.

The night is not as bad as it could have been.

“Alex?”

Alex turns to face his next test and feels his heart leap into his throat. The man standing in front of him is Michael. An older and, if possible, hotter version of the one he can’t look at. There is something unbearably right about how he looks, even if some of the details are wrong. Alex refuses to give in to the urge to throw his wand down. This is a test of his soul. He’s not going to fail it.

“Is that a wand?” His eyes widen, “Alex—“

“Stupefy!”

The last thing Alex is expecting is for Michael to throw his hands out and cast a shield charm. Or he things it’s a shield charm, he’s not sure. Nothing changes but the spell goes flying. Alex’s eyes narrow. This doppelgänger or alternate Michael or whatever he is, looks outraged and then back at him. Alex raises his wand but Michael stalks towards him undeterred, throwing out something that takes the wand from his hand. Alex didn’t grow up with a monster for nothing though and when this older version of Michael gets close enough, he plants his good foot and slams his prosthetic into this Michael’s shin.

“What the fuck?!” He takes him down the rest of the way, “I’m trying to help you ungrateful piece of—“

“Stupefy!” He orders again and Michael passes out and then fades. Alex swallows and grabs his wand, getting to his feet and running towards the checkpoint. Out of the shadows steps a twisted version of himself, “Huh?”

“Come on Alex,” the demonic version of himself says, “you know how we feel about surprises.”

He shakes out any lingering emotions about seeing Michael and faces off against himself. He has always been his own worst enemy, but if anyone knows how to defeat himself it’s him. He ignores his wand and rushes his doppelgänger, tackling it to the ground. He beats himself into submission easily, though he does it with his fits and gets a split lip in the process. He doesn’t care as his doppelgänger explodes into ash and he staggers to the checkpoint. Michael is the only one there and he stubbornly refuses to acknowledge him. For once Alex is glad, after fighting Michael he’s not sure he can look at him either.

It’s not until the other two champions get there and everyone is discussing defeating themselves that he realizes everyone only fought one opponent. No one acts like it’s strange he fought two. No one even acknowledges it. He doesn’t know much about the other two champions but if he had to fight Michael, why didn’t Michael have to fight him? Unless Michael has realized that he can’t see past what Alex’s family has done, what he has done. Maybe the test is that in his soul, Alex knows he loves him but Michael doesn’t feel the same.

Better now than later, he supposes.

He can taste the ash in the back of his throat. It’s alright, he tells himself. This is what should be. Michael is leading him by handful of points. If he wins the last test by a wide margin he’ll be the champion. The last test is of the heart. Alex finds it fitting that he has to beat Michael as best he can.

If he pulls it off, he really will have beat his heart.

He looks over at Michael who is quiet. Unusually so. It’s almost like he’s asleep, though his eyes are open. He blinks and looks around, like he’s forgotten where he is. Alex looks away before they can make eye contact. The only thing he’s concerned with is winning. Michael turns to him but Alex walks away before he can say anything.

He plans to avoid him until the task.

Hopefully until he’s back on the other side of the Atlantic.

“We need to talk,” Michael says.

Michael doesn’t even corner him in the room they’ve been meeting in, he pulls him into the nearest alcove one day and just says they need to talk. Alex shrugs it off, if they needed to talk, Michael would have said it before. If he didn’t, then this really isn’t necessary. He tries to look away but Michael is right there, his hands on either side giving Alex nowhere to go if he wants to keep his pride in tact. Pride is the only thing he has at the moment so he chooses to do it.

“We’ve said everything we need to,” he shoots back.

“No, you’ve said what you need to,” Michael snaps, “you don’t even give me a chance to think. Then you run off and get yourself hurt.”

“You have five points on me,” Alex snaps, “and a split lip barely counts as hurt.”

“Any time you get hurt it ‘counts’ to me,” Michael retorts, the words somehow romantic and frustrating all at once, “Alex this isn’t funny.”

“I’m not laughing,” he says through gritted teeth.

They look at each other in the darkened alcove, both worked up and angry and he still doesn’t expect it when Michael lunges forward. The kiss is furious and angry and rough. Their teeth knock together. Then it shifts into a bruising battle of force. Like they are both trying to communicate without words. He refuses to be pushed around like this though and seizes the front of Michael’s robes, shoving him back against the other side of the alcove. Michael pulls him closer and Alex grabs his hands, pinning them against the wall. He shoves himself back and looks at Michael’s bruised lips and his wet eyes and feels disgusted at how much he wants to keep kissing him.

“Stay away from me,” he says and shakes off the grab Michael makes for his wrist in favor of getting the hell out of there.

The final task they must complete is a culmination of everything before. It’s a call back to the protection of the Sorcerer’s stone, a series of tests that finish with the first two dueling for mastery. All the tests go easily and Alex is elated when he’s the first one but less elated when the second person to run into the room is Michael. He can do this, he tells himself as Michael looks around before his eyes land on him. Determination sets in every line of his face.

“You ready for this?” He asks.

“Take your wand out,” Alex says, tightening his fingers on his.

“I don’t need it,” Michael snaps.

“Fine,” Alex replies, setting down his own wand. His magic thrills with the promise of not being channeled through anything but his fingertips, “whenever you’re ready.”

Michael rushes him and Alex throws out the first spell he can think of. Michael banishes it, the same way the other one did. Then a wave of something comes towards him, but this time Alex is ready. He throws up a shield of his own, causing the wave to reflect and slam into Michael. Michael goes against the wall and Alex keeps the wave up, pushing the telekinetic attack back at him.

“You’re not Michael,” he says, “where is he?”

“I am Michael,” Michael snaps, “you’re dreaming, Alex! This isn’t real. We read these books when we were kids!”

“Liar!”

“I’m not lying!” Michael bellows back and the wave reverses. Alex pivots and it slams into the wall behind him, shaking the stone. “You’re dreaming,” he says, “you don’t have magic,” his eyes go over him, “you’re not a—whatever that is,” he says, “you’re a Gryffindor. Like me.”

“I’m a Wampus,” Alex snaps, ignoring the way he’s talking, “I’ve never been to Hogwarts.”

“Oh my God we are not at Hogwarts! We’re in your head!” He steps forward. Alex raises his hands, “come on Alex, you gotta believe me,” he says.

“I don’t have to do anything,” Alex shoots back, “least of all believe you.”

“Come on Alex,” Michael says, “you’re dreaming. Somewhere in there you gotta know this isn’t right. You sent yourself to American Hogwarts.”

“Ilvermorny!”

“That’s not a thing.”

Alex rolls his eyes. Michael has to be joking. This doesn’t even seem like a strategy. He knows he should be finishing the duel but something about how earnest Michael is being makes him hesitate. It’s a weakness he knows he’ll pay for if Michael wins. But Michael doesn’t even seem to know they’re dueling, let alone that he should be trying to beat him.

“This is a bad strategy for trying to win,” he tells him.

“I’m only trying to win one thing and it’s not this,” He says, “do you think I would lie to you?”

“You did,” Alex snaps. Michael looks down, “you lied and you kept lying. You can’t forgive what my father did. I told you it’s fine, let’s just finish this.”

Michael stares at him.

“That’s not true,” he says.

“We don’t have to go through this again,” Alex snaps.

“We do if you don’t believe me,” Michael says, “Alex I don’t hold what your dad did against you. Maybe I did at the beginning but that’s not how I feel now,” he tells him, “I lost everything! You had to give me a chance to recover. I gave you one.”

Alex raises his eyebrows at him,

“We’re not the same person—“

“Yeah tell me about it,” Michael snaps, “you know who I am. You know what a mess I was—“

“You still hurt me,” Alex says.

Michael looks like he’s about to pull his hair out with frustration. Alex refuses to be swayed. If they are really having it out, he will say what he wants to. They can finally be honest with all their cards on the table. Maybe that’s what they both need.

“I’m sorry!” Michael erupts, “I’m sorry,” he repeats, “look I’m here. That counts for something right?”

“You’re here because you want to win,” Alex dismisses.

“No,” Michael says, “do the hand thing,” he says, “beat me. You can win.”

“I’m not winning like that,” Alex snaps.

“Why are you like this?!” Michael explodes, “why does your code of honor always matter more than me? Why is it so important?”

“Because I’m a bad person!”

Alex doesn’t mean to scream the words at Michael’s face. But they leave his lips and he can’t take them back. He’s never said those words aloud before. He’s always known them. He’s his fathers son, no matter what he does. But if he’s good, if he lives well, then maybe he can make up for some of it. In some small way maybe he can get out from under his father’s thumb. Michael’s look is familiar in a way that Alex can’t fully identify. He’s seen that look before.

“That’s not true, Alex,” he says, taking a step forward, “you’re a good person. You’re one of the best people,” he says, “especially when you break your code.”

“You don’t know that,” Alex says, “you don’t know what I’m capable of—“ he sees how close Michael is getting, “stop,” he says.

Michael ignores him and closes the distance. He doesn’t kiss him, he just wraps his arms around him. Everything in Alex’s body goes stiff at the touch but Michael buries his face in his neck, focusing on hugging him even though Alex feels incapable of returning the gesture. His eyes are burning and when he closes them, it feels like they’re fusing shut.

“I’m not afraid of you,” Michael says.

“You should be.”

“When do I ever do what I should?”

“I—“ Alex frowns. The world starts going water color and pink. Is the part of the heart challenge? Or a different thing? He doesn’t feel any magic coming from Michael, “I—“

“See? You can’t think of anything,” Michael says triumphantly.

“I swear I can,” Alex argues.

“Tell me when you wake up,” Michael says into his neck, “okay, Alex? Tell me when you wake up,” there’s a steel edge in his voice that wasn’t there before. Everything is heavy and warm. He’s aware of some shift, the only thing that remains the same is Michael’s arms wrapped around him, his face buried in his neck and the words, “wake up,” being said over and over into his skin. Alex doesn’t know why everything feels so heavy or it’s so hard to open his eyes.

“Five more minutes,” he mumbles, turning his face into Michael’s curls. 

[brokemillenial]

This or That meme

tagged by @asugarplumfairy i’m only doing this because im bored tbh ^^;

1. Coke or Pepsi: pepsi all the way its a thousand times sweeter

2. Disney or Dreamworks: disney i guess. they have cool theme parks and stuff. dreamworks aint got that

3. Coffee or tea: mmm i enjoy both but i have to choose coffee

4. Books or movies: *rips open plaid button up to reveal “VIDEO GAME NERD” on my undershirt*

5. Windows or Mac: Windows obvs. who tf has mac money? 

6. DC or Marvel: i mean marvel i guess... do love me some spiderman

7. Xbox or PlayStation: I’m sorry i’ve sold my soul to sony even tho playstation is complete shit sometimes, a deal is a deal, especially when its a soul bartering deal with the devil... 

8. Dragon Age or Mass Effect: MASS EFFECT OBVS have you met me? have you seen my blog? its all i talk about nonstop ahhhh 

9. Night owl or early riser: night owl 🦉 but these days im more of a mid day robin (do robins chill midday? idk) 

10. Cards or chess: ehhh it depends who i’m playing and what i’m playing... chess maybe for fun though. (honest i’ll just stick with my microsoft mahjong pls and thank) 

11. Chocolate or vanilla: *insert pic of the guy from spongebob yelling CHOCOLATE?!*  

12. Vans or Converse: converse yo~ ✌️️✌️️✌️️

13. Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash, or Adaar: is this a da thing? 

14. Fluff or angst: flufffff:3 I’m so weak

15. Beach or forest: i suppose i should be true to my old ways and say forest, but beaches are growing on me... if it weren’t for getting sand fucking EVERYWHERE they’d already have me. both are peaceful and relaxing though ^^ (given no people are around) 

16. Dogs or Cats: CATS AHHH I LOVE CATS SO MUCH!! I REALLT WISH I COULD HAVE A PET CAT BUT I CAN’T AFFORD IT nevermind we’re not allowed pets at the house we rent... TT.TT 

17. Clear Skies or Rain: USUSALLY i would say that i love the F out of rainy days but its been so cloudy and dreary lately... just give me some sun please!! D:

18. Cooking or eating out: MMM i enjoy when i actually put forth effort to cook things. even if they don’t end up super great i enjoy the experience of making my own food :) 

19. Spicy food or mild food: HAAAAHHHH i once cried because i bit into one of those pepper ball/flake things. i can’t handle any kind of fucking seasoning on my food lmaoooo mild mild mild~

20. Halloween/Samhain or Solstice/Yule/Christmas:  THIS IS HALLOWEEEN THIS IS HALLOWEEN THIS IS HALOOWEEN~~~

21. Would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot (and no the winter coats and ACs are not an option): mmm i’m always a little too cold, which i suppose is nice bc i wan always wrap up in more blankets, but its also annoying af when i can’t get warm or when i have to go out in the cold winter, so imma say a little too hot just to try out how the other side lives

22. If you could have a superpower, what would it be: teleportation. telekenisis, i’d never have to get up for anythign again. i could jsut float everything to me. and i could float myself places too ^^ 

23. Animation or Live action: mmm it depends on the genre of film... 

24. Paragon or renegade? can i say paragade?? bc thats how i play mass effect almost every time.. tbh i want to think i’m a total renegade but i’m SOOOO obnoxiously paragon... 

25. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go? EUROPE. or if i have to pick one city specifically, ROME. 

26. Which Mass Effect class do you play as? VANGUARD!!!! CHARGE RIGHT INTO DEATH IDGAF!! but also i fell in love with playing adept through me3 multiplayer. playing other classes requires a bit~ more tactic than just vanguard charging into everything so thats fun  27. Roses or lilies?  LILLIES!! those are my fave. specifically stargazer lillies are my favorite flowers 💓💓💓

28.  Cold dessert or hot dessert? hot dessert. hello? warm cookies? yes pls:)

29. Shower or Bath? shower. like who even takes a bath? that’s like sitting in your own filth water... idk man... not my thing...

30. Okay, my question: Writing or drawing? was i supposed to make my own question? too bad i liked yours lol actually no on second thought i don’t. its impossible to choose between the two. they’re my two favorite hobbies... i guess right now i’m more into drawing though i haven’t done a lot of it recently.. 

i normally don’t do these sort of things so i’m not gonna bother to actually tag anyone, so I’m just gonna “tag” anyone who wants to participate ^^ (do tag me if you do this though because i want to see :) )

[xcreepyho-blog]

Starting a new Job

Before I embark on this new journey. I want to reminisce the path that took me here.To finally open up and let people in. Didn’t know how to detach properly. Didn’t know to articulate my feelings. Didn’t know how to let go. Didn’t know how powerful I could be. Stuck in a job where I was very underappreciated and underpay. Of course I just got better handling my money. However the job drove me to undervalue myself, drinking everyday, not focus on well being, and overall just really sad. On top of that I was dealing with breaking up/boundaries. It’s really hard to describe, I just end up not being in the right head space and made really dumb decisions. Still am but I’m glad I been working on it so it doesn’t escalate more than it did. That was scary I don’t want to be that person. I’m Sorry to whom I did it to. I’m so proud of myself because I continuously fight to be the better version of me everyday. I’m no means perfect but each day I’m being the best version I can be. Learning who I am and who I WANT to BE. I reached out to my best friend and I was able to reach out to others. In a very long time I’m finally realize it was so hard to love myself. Each and everyday I was trying to make someone happy but myself. As I sat drunk as fuck in Denny’s I was there at 12am - 5am crying my heart out, remembering everyone around me was comforting me. Not in Denny’s but in different times and places. I with my home boy Charlitos but he was just listening to me and making sure I was okay. I realized It was time for a change. I can’t keep crying over a girl and not do anything. What the fuck do I WANT TO DO? I wanted to get out of my job, I wanted to eat better, I want to go back to school, and I want to be happy. Happy? Happy. I wanted to be Happy. Didn’t know where to start beside reaching out to my best friend CJ, asking him to just take me out. As I walked around in the garden I start to see all the little things that makes me happy. When I was depress It was hard to find joy in the things. I love Fried Chicken and Dim Sum during this time it was very unpleasant ...That was saying a lot. Noticing all this I just wanted to fight to feel better. I was tired of my bum ass just sulking and not doing anything I really wanted in life. I tried dating apps again okcupid, tinder, and HER. I went out alone more to events and concert. I don’t like crowds, lines, and people. But I would say 95% I made it fun. I was the fun. :) Push myself to actually travel alone and go to bars late by myself. Kind of dangerous but I gotta live my life can’t live in fear anymore. Started to drink responsible and to eat more. Then I met ToeFace, I told her about pretty much about my aspirations and situation. She is a god send. She paved the way for me to exceed my own expectations. It was low. But damn I can’t believe how much I’ve grown. I’m truly a better version of me every day. My first time apply to the program I got denied, I perserved and signed up for classes and look for opportunities else where. I somehow ended up with 4 part-time jobs at once. I just wanted out of the food business. I was so done and fed up. I was so happy at the garden and pre-rolled joints gig. It was my happy place. I wanted more stuff that was fueling me. I tried hard to remove myself from there but my boss has ways to convince me to keep working with him. He was mind fucking me everyday. But having time away from him I noticed he was just a bad entity in my life. I tried not to burn the bridge but I had to. It was a toxic one. When I finally let that place go. I finally able to focus on my energy to finish this program cause I’ve heard it was intense. Prior to join the program the second time around. its every six months you can apply however if you’re 25 you may not be eligible. I knew if I didn’t get in I wasn’t gonna have another chance. I went for a staggering at a restaurant called GARY DANKO. Google it. Its fucking beautiful. It made me fall in love with cooking. That Kitchen WAS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL I LICK THE FLOOR. IDGAF. They offer me full-time but they wanted to know I would be committed for longer and I was like no sorry I can’t I might get in this program and I’ll might quit during this time. So bye bye to that opportunity. I tried to make as much money before it start but because bills and I was still dumb with money kind of fucked it off. Grateful for my family and friends support during this journey. They are so fucking awesome. I’m usually the one with the money now coming to absolutely the bare minimum of money I was receive during the program. MAN Hard times. I’m drowning in debt right now cause I couldn’t pay anything off. I wanted to put my all in this program. I was already kicked down to the bottom of nothing and trying to re-branding myself. I wanted to be different, I wanted to be respected, and I just wanted to chase my happiness. Fast Forward to the present time. One Year completed a program, achieve a job In I.T. without a college degree. Many times I wanted to quit and get back to work. Many times I wanted to just break down and cry. Many times I push myself to go a bit harder. I took BART for a year, consistent sleep schedule, Woke up early, Turn in my Deliverables on time or early, brush my teeth, invested in a coffee machine, eating more fruits, and most importantly loving who I am and appreciate all the the little things in life. I’ve achieved more than I expected, and I can honestly say I’m happy to be alive.  #KeptMovingForward

If you going through something please talk to someone, seek help and know you’re not alone. 

P.S. HOHO LOVES YOU <3  Also ;) You’re beautiful, wonderful, and appreciated.

[survivormuxloe]

Episode 16: “I’m a petty bitch betta know that” - Scott

FUCK YOU RHYS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA I SURVIVED GOAT ASS BITCH IM COMIN FOR THAT FIC WIN SO I CAN TAKE UR GOATY ASS TO THE END AND WIN I FUCKING DESERVE IT THAT WAS THE MOST STRESSFUL THING OF MY FUCKING LIFE HOLY SHITTTTTTTTTTTTT AS ANNA WOULD SAY IM HARDDDDD

Oh boy mo lost firemaking. Oh well. I tried. Not sure there is much hope in me winning, but guess I have to try. Ima be preparing a bomb ass speach, and a decent rites of passage. Not looking hopefully but like fingers crossed.

Also I think I’d make end either way now. Scott wants me in the end probably. Ryan wants me in the end probably. So if so. I get 2nd at the least. But I’m probably winning immunity anyway so ;).

ok its the day after.. n i finished my rop.. hopefully the jury likes it. LOL LIKE I WASNT GUNNA JUST KISS THEIR ARSES FUCK THAT im gunna be honest ab my feelings...

also like. kinda feel bad ab my confessionals last nite ab rhys.. i was a bit. excited. but. its tea. LAMFJBFHBFG

Final immunity is a little stressful. Like it’s the last one to win, if I win this that’s 5 individual wins. Just something more to put on my speech cause I’m gonna need it.

I’m feeling confident I can manage to pull out this win so like yeah I’m gonna have to work and try to win each part of this.

im actually gunna lose this fic which is super annoying bc it means i get 3rd LOL! aLMNFBFG

like memory lane i can win if im not dumb which i am so. winterbells i'll 100% lose like i lost to anna lol. endurance i'll 100% lose bc i'm such a forgetful slut i only lasted 40 mins in canadienne.... slide puzzles are legit my worst nightmare and then the mystery task i looked up from last ssn and it took them 11 mins so if i take more than that i lose... yay!

wow i can't wait to get 3rd place;;;; i feel like scott has gotten into rhys' ear and now i'm not the prime choice to be brought to final 2 grrr. at least thats what it seems like idk. ugh rhys doesnt deserve to make final 2 and it will make for a boring ftc zzzzzz who knows maybe scott or i can pull out an upset. i lowkey think scott would vote me out tho which is ugly and i would 100% be bitter at him idgaf KLFADHSKF

earlier i wasn't really sure what rhys and scott were thinking in regard to who they'll bring to f2, but since then i've talked w both more and i feel like 80% confident both will take me to final 2 so that's cute 8~] i don't think i'm doing well in the final immunity so far so i'm honestly banking on that lol.... as much as I think I'd have better chances against Rhys as the end, I am rooting for Scott to win it and bring me bc that is the ending this season deserves imho. i don't think there'd be a clear cut winner going into it and the ftc would be contentious as fuck... i hope at least lol. Scott def played a really dominant strategic game but def has some iffy relationships with jurors. I played a really purposefully utr game for most of the time but i think it's respectable, although there are some point against me like sitting out of so many challenges, that tie vote with jones voting early being the reason i was saved... but i think i can make a good case despite those faults and i'm honestly excited to show a new me at the live tribal. like i've been nervous as hell every time we had to go to tribal bc calling makes me anxious af, and that was def a contributing factor to me sitting out of the spelling challenge and even the card stacking one. so I'm planning on forming my case around that anxiety, and hopefully the contrast between my ftc performance compared to every live one before that will bank me the jury's respect. kind of like Kristie from AU survivor where she stunned the jury bc all game she had appeared so timid and dumb at tribals. hoping i can channel that energy and pull out the win hehe

so we got 5 and a half ish hours until deadline. uhm. i'm honestly really happy with my scores? like. i feel as if i have a big chance of winning this and that would be SOOOOO fucking good like both of them can smd honestly if they think im giving this chance up and getting 3rd or getting 2nd to ryan... like i love him but hes beyond dumb if he thinks im taking him to the end i cant throw a victory like that lol.

i dont wanna get 2 confident tho bc knowing my ass i'll be crushed if i lose this fic lol like at least if i dont i know ryan wins so it isnt that bad but it should be me!!! im a selfish cunt i need this jsjsjs

i say this after doing endurance for 5 and a half hrs so my brain is a little floopy rn :) forgive me :) aLFMNHFG

uhm ya. rhys can suck my ass as well with his OH IDK WHO I'D PICK!!! like bitch if u pick ryan enjoy a rerun of canadienne only this time ur losing unanimously lol

Honestly im done with Scott. Like stop being rude okay. Like I GET IT. YOU DONT WANT TO BE 3rd!. I GET IT. Like quit it with the "I dont want to wait to be cut", cause honestly, I dont know who im taking, OR IF IVE EVEN WON YET. so like stop it. Like ive been told im gonna loose, stop attacking me, because i essentially chooses who wins.

I think my immunity went good. I did good in all the parts I think.

ok.... time to guilt scott into bringing me to the end lmfao

Dammit I was so close to winning, but in the end from what I’ve heard I’d be the best choice for Scott to take to the end. So fingers crossed. Scott will take me there cause I really want to make the end. Even if I loose. I’m proud of my game and I just want to get as far as I can.

BIG FUN! CUS TONIGHTS THE NIGHT. bitchhh i get to pick who i want in f2 with me!!!

THIS IS SO EXCITING BC I LEGIT HAVE NEVER WON A FIC OR A F3 CHALLENGE BEFORE AND I FUCKING DID THAT!!! I SWERVED THAT VICTORY AND ITS SO FUCKING SATISFYING HOLY FUCKK

NOW IM GUNNA MAKE RHYS SUFFER EVEN THO IK IM PROB PICKING HIM BC HE WAS AN ASSHOLE LAST WEEK :)) IM A PETTY BITCH BETTA KNOW THAT

LIKE RYAN UNDERSTANDS IF I VOTE HIM N HE 100% VOTES ME TO WIN AND I DONT PLAN ON FLOPPING FTC SO :) BYE! UR WINNER IS HERE!

i feel like scott is gonna vote me out and i’m a bit gagged sbdbjsjsjs i really didn’t expect him to slit my throat like dis but. ig he wants to win badly and rhys most likely secures him an easy win so i cant blame him. still sucks though :C i thot we were solid dndjjdjs and ugh i dont wanna join that angry ass jury

ok so i'm still not giving up on tryna convince scott lol. honestly like i've made it this far in the game, no way i'm gonna accept defeat so easily. i don't actually know if it's better for scott to sit next to rhys than me, it probably is but seriously my game isn't amazing and i very well could see scott beating me. i think he's really overestimating how much the jury "hates" him like idk they aren't that petty, if anyone is it might just be michael. but scott really has dominated this game and everyone is aware of it, he should beat either of us.

So, this could be my last confession.

Scott, I don’t know where he was thinking. I thought it was general concensous that I was the one to loose. Yet here I am Scott is still unsure about who to take and it’s an hour 40 untill tribal.

So like this could speak well about my game if Scott worries he can’t beat me. It could also just be him wanting to take his best friend to the end. So yeah. I’m like 50/50 when I thought I should’ve been 99/1 about staying.

I can’t believe I’m here. I have a half chance at winning. That’s if we’re even which were probably not.

This is probably an uphill battle for me, so I have to go hard or I’m going home empty handed. I haven’t lasted this long just to come second. I do think I’ve played a winning game. I think I can make a killer final tribal preformance just to solidify my case. Hopefully this will be the third winner of celestial.

So final tribal happened.

Funny how has mo won that tiebreaker I would’ve lost unanimously. So thanks scott for winning that, and the FIC.

I think this could go either way tbh. However if I win it’s because of Scott’s bad jury management which isn’t the way I wanted to win. I would’ve preferred people to see my game more and respect that but because my moves weren’t big or flashy I have been put down to doing nothing.

it's 2 and a half hours until we find out the winner. am i nervous? absolutely.

do i feel as though i deserve to win? absolutely.

it just keeps ringing in my mind what ryan said in his speech that the jury seemed to root for rhys and be bitter against me. i feel as though my speeches and answers were much better than his and i was able to explain my game so much more clearer so i'm hoping that they reconsider and see that i controlled the game.

if i lose i'll be gracious and nice to rhys because at the end of the day it was my own fault that my jury management was bad but it'll definitely sting because i don't really see that he did much tbh alkfjhfg. i love him but it's tea. especially when he's said that i probably deserve it more. ):

i'm really just hoping for the best at this point! anything can happen and hopefully it'll be in my favour hehe. it's been an incredibly fun season and i wouldn't change it for anything else.

this has been mr scooty toots with his finale confessional, and hopefully mr scooty toots will join the winner and the hall of fame. hehe. will lowkey be awkward if i lose tho!! LOL but oh well alkdjfg

Scott wins in a 8-1 vote!

[kipaparappa]

today, after long hours projects have finally been handed out to the lab

and something really sore starts to prey my chest. even now, it’s kinda hard to breathe. idk maybe i’m starting to develop a serious illness down here..

if so, please make it quick, dear God

lol.. starting, when everything is in the edge of their last days

yesterday, i stumbled upon unfinished projects. to be completely honest, i didn’t learn anything this whole semester. i got web, game, etc but came to understand nothing. even since that rejection email came to my inbox, every single aspects slowly went off, astray and broke into pieces. i thought i was strong enough to keep everything the way they are, but actually i was the one who has a weak mentality, to let them all go in an instant. i was really hurt, even now i still feel sad, the amount of sadness i had to bear was enormous, as i need to act alright in front of people because nobody would give a crap about what’s inside me.

i actually have always wanted to study about web more. i am fully aware its going to be so useful but i just don’t have a quite particular interest whenever i directly encountered with the actual thing.. it’s regretful and such a shame. now i am extremely embarrassed of even to my own shadow.

i spent about 3-4 days working on the project, hoping that someone/something good would happen. but it turned out to be nothing. it gotten worse yesterday as i had barely spent time to sleep and yesterday i got only like 1.5 hours to sleep. i spent all the days configuring this and that which resulted in nothing. i am extremely embarrassed of myself. seems like lately i had done things just to embarrass or crash away my self esteem inside of my own mind. i started to feel really really down lowest to the point of having a panic attack late to the the early morning. i forcefully woke my parents up through phone because i thought i might die right away. i sort of lost in arguing with my own mind, yeah i always have my mind fighting and pondering every second of the day, but then it caught me to my nerves and i couldn’t take it anymore. suddenly my chest felt like it’s being pulled inside, it was so aching that i almost threw up and lost my conscious. my mum tried to brush the pain away through phone but i just couldn’t. i just couldn’t control the pain. it swept away all of my confidence and trust. i currently can’t find any of their traces left within me..

well, the day before the panic attack, we had a presentation team task which he mumbled the other day about. without realizing, i was quite worried for him. that’s my biggest weakness, i am a worrisome person(?). lol i worry about everything like too much. so my mind always flew to him even more. i wondered what should i be to help him? am i even carrying my own weight (within the team) well? i literally couldn’t stop thinking about that. from there i started to lose my self like it’s a class for him to do the project like this, he’s just different from us (or maybe me) or i couldn’t help him with anything, am i just being a nuisance since all i could do is just writing my name on the project? all of the useless things but i couldn’t find the right thing to solve through all of those problems. and on the presentation day, i apologized to him sincerely but he seemed to take it lightly as a joke. maybe my face or gesture didn’t say it all but i am really sorry. how many times should i tell you that i am sorry for keeping you close to my mind and heart, and the most mortifying is that i can’t do any single thing to enlighten that weight on your shoulder. yes all i could do is just stare at you secretly.. please forgive this eyes, mind that couldn’t control or even find another useful thing to do for both of our sake!

his presence itself already become an intimidating thought in me. every time i see him with his lab mates, it just gives me some nerves to bear. like i am the most brainless thing ever alive and he doesn’t deserve to know a human being like me

well, i started to wonder if i could do anything i mean anything useful to myself. and it just weakened my mentality more and more. maybe this chest pain was caused of my mental health right now. even since all of the shitty things happened, i started to screw my own life slowly and its just killing me

a method to release the pain.. by sharing your story? so what is the main point of that? to make people aware that you are actually going through hardships so you’ll gain respect? or to gain respect by showing who you truly are, what you went through? what about if they don’t care or bother to listen? what if… you only made up those story so that people can pity you in a way you’ve always wanted?

before the panic attack, which kinda become a turning point, i was begging to every contact i had for collaborating projects with me. but they replied late. there was this girl which was my team mate last semester, i beg like a pig to her but she only said something like “oh no~~~~~~~~~ i am embarrassed~~~~~~~~~~” while i was kind of trading my whole life to get them. i somehow felt betrayed because she wasn’t willing to show me, you know just to show, her work. idk i always know something is off in her and now i do. now i know why do i get this uneasy feelings towards her in the last semester. now i know what is friend and not. the thing is not about the project, but how she failed to notice how much i needed her help back then. i wasn’t able to configure or even code anything because i was taken aback after that attack. i am once again embarrassed to my own self. i always scold myself inside my mind

do you even have something to keep that face up huh? you know, you’re the most useless human ever lived

what have you been doing, you could’ve mastered all of these and now what? you’re going to go after that australia excuse aren’t you?

what don’t bring up that ui thing again you aren’t a part of them anymore

so you regret it huh? why all you could do is being all sad or crying?!

are you even worthy to go? your brain is useless, your appearance.. don’t ever dare to talk about it

……….

…..

the next day, idgaf to whatever happens. but he sat beside me, on his usual seat, and it just hurt. silently hurt. i tried to go away as often as i could. i heard he said sth like (to another assistant) “be quick, i need to do another projects you losers! (jokingly)”. i just unconsciously hurt inside. i didn’t know what to feel but idk, after days passed by it just feels like a mistake. the whole thing happened inside my own mind, his name inside of my prayers, i was making a big big mistake and i just realized that the seconds he sat beside me.

maybe i was the fool one, maybe i could fall for anyone, see? just how miserable being someone like me.. i could fall for that assistant on the noon class we only got to see once per 2 weeks. or maybe the one who sat right there. i am being all weak and ah.. i don’t know how to express it.

 i gave up my feelings, i feel so stupid for ‘expressing’  my self through that social media we’re engaged in. changing to my photos, art, everything so that he might a little bit aware of my presence.. after realizing my own stupid attempts.. it was douche bag and trash. my own identity is the most precious entity of me. how dare i broke that law… 

now i started to regret and recalling my days in ui.. yesterday i visited my past campus and it felt really…. miserable? idk but what i know i miss them.

haha recalling. why did i give him that………. nvrmnd

ah, this post wasn’t supposed to be about him…