#I've wanted to kms since I was a child and I still haven't done it

[no-one-hears-me]

I really do wonder when I'm finally gonna just end it all tbh

[moondragon618]

So uh. I think I've decided that I want to be a little bit more open about some things on here bc honestly trying not to acknowledge it is just causing me a ton of unnecessary stress (and I'm sure as fuck not acknowledging it irl lmaooo) so yeah. So I'll start with this: I'm currently unemployed and living with my parents (mom and stepdad) and my younger but also adult brother (they all have some form of income but it's only just barely enough to get by). Now on its own the whole all of us living together thing should not be that big of a deal apparently according to what I've learned from hearing other ppl's experiences in similar situations. Unfortunately my parents do not think like this. My mom especially is convinced that we are literally ruining her life so y'know that's fun (:

Okay but seriously. I'm about to sound like I'm trying to downplay this (and maybe I am bc. Yk.) but like a good 80% or so of the time it's. Fine. We get along okay. But I know that's only bc we never acknowledge The Problems outside of the few bad days and we always just go on like those never even happened. And here's what I mean by bad days btw: ""Family Meetings"". Yeah that phrase is literally a fucking trigger for me now it's fucking bullshit. When I was younger it meant "me getting screamed at about how fucked up I am and how fucked I'll be in the "real world" and how I'm just "a soft spoiled little bitch bc I never got my ass beat" (like my brother. bc he's definitely fine and has no issues at all lmaooo) (and usually without the bitch part aside from once when I was a teenager) and now it's more "me getting screamed at by my mom abt how I'm ruining her life and her marriage" etc. etc. So yeah. My stepdad is a little better in that he only yelled at me one time when I was like 12 I think? And then never again. And he seems to at least understand that if screaming at still hasn't "fixed" me after 25 fucking years then it's probably not going to so yeah. And he did actually kind of stand up for me during the last one (in late September-ish) which I know isn't much but it's still way more than anyone else has done so I do appreciate it.

Anyway the last one was really fun (terrible) I got the usual + being told I being disrespectful for not coming out to the living room bc I was having a panic attack and quite literally frozen and unable to move 👍👍👍 And I've also been limited to just my phone since then bc my mom took my computer (bc god forbid we consider there might be a reason I'm on it so much) and still hasn't given it back and tbh I think I'd rather kms than ask for it back so that's fun too (:

I am aware that this is abusive behavior and that screaming at your child for any reason is in fact child abuse btw. It took me until very recently to come to terms with that even while knowing that (and I'm probably still not fully there tbh) but I know. It's that fucking generational trauma bullshit yk. My mom's side of the family is Fucked Up like her parents were terrible and their (mostly her dad's idk the other ones lol) parents. Yeah I'm not even comfortable talking about them right now that's like a whole other thing lmao. But yeah I know that doesn't even remotely make it okay.

And yeah like the day after shit like that happens we just never acknowledge it again until everyone's losing their shit again because nothing ever changes. Believe it or not being screamed at does not help me figure out how to navigate getting a source of income or how I'm supposed to do anything when we sure as fuck can't afford another vehicle or how I'm ever going to be able to afford my own place to live lmaooo. And I also literally cannot even talk to them about any of this without losing my ability to speak so that really doesn't help either (: I sure as fuck haven't tried calling out the bullshit either bc fuck that there's no fucking way that's going over well and I couldn't even if I wanted to (: (: (:

So I'm just kinda stuck here ig. It's really not too bad (most of the time). I'm not saying that to minimize or invalidate anything either I just want you all to know that it's not like super urgent or anything, I'm not in danger, my mental health isn't great obviously but I'm not at risk of hurting myself or suicide or anything. Promise <3 I'm a tenacious bastard sticking around out of pure spite and a desire to keep creating things if nothing else lmao :)

God this is kind of a trauma dump lmao but that about sums it up ig? I'm also very much open to advice if anyone has any <3

[punkscowardschampions]

Buster & Rio

Buster: Is it true? Rio: Whatever could you be talking about, McKenna? Rio: Gis us a clue Buster: Stop playing. My sister and her MILF Rio: Sounds like a porno and suddenly you're back on the scene Rio: Funny that Rio: Why do you have any right to know if it is or isn't? Buster: Shut up Buster: Re-read the part where I said MY sister. There's your answer Rio: Re-read you making any attempt to contact her in the past however how long Rio: Oh wait, you can't Buster: Just tell me, Rio Rio: Would I be making any effort to conceal the answer if it wasn't Rio: Use your brain, Buster Buster: Fuck's sake Buster: Don't be getting at me 'cause she ain't been using hers Rio: You think THIS is getting at you? Rio: Tip of the iceberg but what's the point Rio: Cba Buster: What's your fucking point, like? Buster: She's in the doghouse for once, not me Rio: Such a child Rio: Happy about that, are you? Buster: Yeah. Get's the rents off my back Buster: Am I meant to be crying about her not fucking her teacher? Buster: Move onto a new target Rio: For God's sake Rio: its not like that, you should care that your sister is heartbroken Rio: she isn't like you, she experiences human emotions Rio: at least make an attempt at sympathy, fucking hell Buster: There's plenty of younger, hotter lesbians around, she'll be fine Buster: If she could've pulled it off, fair play like, but she didn't Rio: If she wanted that, she would've gone there in the first place Rio: Are you really this dense or just committed to the act, like? Buster: She didn't really want anyone, that's why she went for the teacher who'd never go for her Buster: And her heart ain't proper broke Rio: What qualifies you to make that call? Rio: Have you even spoken to her Rio: She's felt like this about her since she got here, that's years Buster: Tried. She ain't taking my calls Buster: Got more attention that she can handle now Rio: Not everyone's a whore for it Rio: and I'm unsurprised she doesn't wanna talk to you rn Buster: Says you Buster: Don't wanna talk to her either, she's an embarrassment, that's why I'm in your inbox instead Rio: Excuse me Rio: Sure. At least the feeling's mutual then, hooray! Buster: Don't give it out like you're proud of her Rio: I'm not loving it for her, no Rio: but I'm not fucking embarrassed by her Rio: You don't even have to hear the shit said about her or see her struggle so get over yourself Buster: Whatever Buster: I've heard it all before Buster: She moved schools for a reason like Rio: Yeah and you didn't give a shit then Rio: So don't front anything else now Buster: She tell you that, did she? Buster: Don't front that you know me, girl Rio: Your actions speak loud enough Rio: Deal with it Buster: You got me under 24 hour surveillance then yeah? Rio: You wish you were that relevant Buster: You wish you had something better to do that stalk me more like Rio: You're in my inbox Buster: For a legit reason Buster: You're just chatting shit on me Rio: Just 'cause you don't wanna hear it Rio: doesn't mean it ain't legit Buster: I'm here asking Buster: Don't flatter yourself I'd be talking to you otherwise Buster: Haven't even told me how Nance is Rio: If I needed to come to you for flattery, I'd kms Rio: and I did Rio: heartbroken Rio: but you noped that 'cos you're the fucking expert on it Buster: Fuck off Buster: She coming home? Rio: No Rio: She doesn't want to Rio: Think your parents are coming here to see her Rio: If you are really arsed, at all, you should come see her too Buster: More fool her Buster: I'll check my schedule, cheers Rio: Like you said, there's reasons she left Rio: One thing you got right Buster: Like you said, it's been years Buster: She needs to get over it Rio: Being bullied by a load of posh cunts? Rio: Why should she? Rio: She gains nothing from 'getting over' that Rio: just 'cos you thrive from sponging off that scene Buster: It was hardly lord of the flies like Buster: We can't all thrive off hanging round the streets pretending we're poor as fuck, there'd be no room for you Rio: Yeah, as if you have any fucking clue Rio: even if you didn't see and hear what you wanna Rio: its girls, you don't get the dynamic, you're not privy to it Buster: There's nothing to get. She didn't stand up for herself Rio: Mhmm, that's exactly how that works Rio: Jesus fucking Christ Buster: She'll never know she didn't try it Rio: I'm fairly sure she did Rio: Anyway, this is ancient history Rio: she doesn't like you and your friends, boohoo Rio: its done, she's got her own life Buster: Get your own clue Buster: It wasn't me and my friends Buster: Good, don't need her tagging along and cramping my style Rio: They're all good as the same Rio: the female equivalent Rio: and evidently not, challenged already in that department Buster: You're full of shit Buster: You should sort that Rio: You reckon? Rio: I don't need your advice, thanks very much Buster: More fool you Rio: Not from where I'm standing Buster: More fun to look down your nose at me Buster: Whatever Buster: Not here to make friends Rio: You've gotta be kidding me Rio: If your nose was any higher in the air, you'd drown Buster: I've got plenty of reasons to hold my head high Rio: oh, please do regale me, i am so fascinated. Buster: Always trying to get with me Buster: You're as embarrassing as Nance is like Rio: what dream world are you living in? Rio: yeah, really pains not to be one of your favourites Rio: think I'll survive Buster: Survive but not thrive, yeah? Buster: Unlucky, babe Rio: You ain't that special, babe Buster: Says you Buster: Your loss Rio: Yeah you chat real loud but what would you do if I said otherwise? Rio: Freak Buster: You'll never know Buster: Deal with it Rio: Gutting, truly Buster: Yeah I know, you make it well obvious Rio: Only in your warped little mind, McKenna Buster: Keep telling yourself that, Cavante Rio: Don't need to, I'm not the delusional one Rio: but you do you, boo Buster: Well it ain't me, babe Rio: Heard that one before Buster: Should have taught you something then Rio: Don't worry, it did, I'm not waiting around for your infinite wisdom to know men ain't shit Rio: beaten to the punch there, like Buster: Back at you. I already know how crazy girls are Rio: Of course you do Rio: Colour me shook Buster: You'd have to stop knowing it all first like Rio: Ha, and do you think that's very likely? Buster: I know you think it ain't Buster: Reckoning you're clued into everything and everyone's shit Rio: N'awh, don't be salty 'cos I am and I can see through yours Buster: I ain't. I got your number too Buster: Just think it's hilarious you couldn't be more a ma and you ain't got no kids Buster: So middle aged I'm surprised my sister don't fancy you Rio: Fuck off, McKenna Rio: Just 'cos you're still a little boy Rio: isn't it past your bedtime, like? Buster: Glad to go Buster: Someone'll be round to tuck me in regardless Rio: Good, you're boring me Rio: and I didn't ask, just FYI Buster: Course I am Buster: Doesn't mean you weren't dying to know Buster: Later then Rio: Trust me, no one but you is even a little impressed by your conquests Rio: Especially not me, you weirdo Buster: Tell it to the girls forming a line Buster: Go ahead and speak up when you see me around Rio: If I fancied wasting my breath Rio: it'd be to tell them to run, nothing else Rio: Sorry to devastate you like that Buster: Trust me you ain't Buster: Gotta try a little harder to sell it if you want me to buy in Rio: Trust me when I say you'd know if I wanted that Rio: There is no try Buster: Course not Rio: We're not all tryhards, hun Buster: Just you Buster: I've seen you out, girl Buster: I've watched the hustle Buster: Not effortless as you reckon Rio: Why you watching? Buster: Why not? Buster: It's good for a laugh like Rio: Gotta get your kicks somehow, kid Buster: Least I'm up front about it Buster: You're all front Rio: Idk, I've got ass too Rio: Pretty well-proportioned all in all Buster: Hilarious Rio: What's hilarious is you thinking you know the first thing about me Buster: Likewise, babe Rio: Nah Rio: you're up front about it, remember dickhead? Rio: Contradictory too but we'll let that one slide Buster: Keeping up with you, that's all Rio: Good luck with that Rio: on any and all fronts Buster: Don't need luck Buster: Bored, yeah? but you're still here Rio: Manners cost nothing, McKenna Rio: assumedly why you've got no interest Buster: Wasting them as well as your time Buster: You do you Rio: Not talking to myself, am I? Rio: Though the effect is about the same Buster: I never said I was bored, did I? Buster: You're the one pretending you've got somewhere better to be Rio: Using people for your own amusement is par for the course in posh boy life Buster: Yeah Rio: if I was feeling it, I have plenty better candidates for the task, don't take it so personal Buster: The heartbreak catching, is it? Buster: I better watch myself like Rio: You'd need one to break it Rio: and my heart is just fine, tah for the concern Buster: Cheers for the head's up