#I've never been in a relationship or even felt real romantic attraction so idk how it works

[frobby]

"I don't want a girlfriend to do relationship things with I want a girl who will listen to me and care about me"- so aroace and she doesn't even know it

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

i suddenly feel huge impostorism about not being bi enough. i've known i was ace since forever and realised i was bi+ while in the monog relationship i'm still in today, not by actually being romantically attracted to people but because i realised i could technically picture myself with a partner of any gender (i know the potential for attraction to more than one gender is a definition of bi). once i admitted that to myself i actually started feeling physical attraction to people, thinking i wasn't ace after all for a bit. everything fell apart when i learned about other kinds of attraction and realised the physical attraction wasn't sexual but sensual, more in a "i'd make out with this person" way than a hugging and cuddling way because the last 2 are romantic to me. that's also when i realised i'm on the aromantic spectrum because i only ever experienced romantic attraction to one person who ended up being my partner to this day. and now here's the thing. my bi attraction has become less defined kinda? it's less about kissing now and more just feeling drawn to someone based on appearance but it feels like more than what people describe as aesthetic attraction? the attraction i feel is also not really anything i feel an urge to act on, it's just there. idk maybe that's because i'm in a monog relationship so my brain shut itself off from that. when i feel that attraction it does feel decidedly queer/bi though idk. i'd also feel like a liar calling myself biromantic because despite the potential for attraction definition i've only ever felt romantic attraction once towards one gender. i feel like i'm not bi enough and like i'm just holding on to this identity even though it doesn't actually belong to me, like i'm just making it into more than it is because what if it's always been nothing more but aesthetic attraction, not actually me being bi, what if the queer feelings about this attraction are just me trying to convince myself i'm bi when i'm not.

like what if i'm just an ace demiro monoromantic after all because i really never did feel romo attraction to more than one gender and my tertiary probably doesn't count

Just because attraction is tertiary (that is any type of attraction that isn't sexual or romantic attraction), doesn't mean it doesn't count or counts less. Tertiary attraction like sensual and aesthetic attraction can still be strong feelings, important experiences, etc. for people. Similarly an attraction isn't more or less legitimate depending on if you feel like acting on them. You don't have to identify with tertiary attractions, but it should be your decision how you feel about these attractions and how much they tie into your identity.

Similarly you are allowed to identify as bi even if you've only experienced that type of attraction once, based on if you feel you have the capacity to experience it towards (which to be fair you do acknowledge).

So it sounds like to me that you're worried about being allowed, but labels don't work like that. You don't need anyone's permission, especially if the label is working for you, and most communities are anti gatekeeping, instead going with the philosophy that if a label is resonating with someone, there's probably a reason for that. Labels tend to be these simple boxes too, but in real life people are full of complexities and how we relate to a label isn't always in simple black and white ways and most people get that.

Sometimes a label does stop being useful, and it does make sense to move on from it. But if you're thinking about moving on from a label and it's making you anxious or stressed, that can be a sign too that maybe that's not the right choice for you, or not the right choice currently.

My advice would be to try and shift your thinking, try and stop worrying as much if you're allowed. If you fit any version of the definition at all, you're allowed. And instead focus on if you feel a connection to the label, if you find the label is useful for you, etc. These are the biggest deciders if a label is right for you or not. And at the end of the day your identity is yours and you decide what feels right for you or not in how you identify.

All the best! Good luck!

[p0th]

ik im probably rlly late to the party but what is objectum, like is it a role play thing, is it a coping thing? I need someone to explain it to me like im 5 bc i genuinely just don't understand what it is lol

So the literal definition of being objectum is someone who's attracted to inanimate objects, whether that be platonic, romantic, sexual, or somethin else. However, looking at it with only its literal definition doesn't really account for the intricacies that such a label brings.

I just want to point out that while some people see objects as alive (the label for that being POSIC), others dont. Animism is also a similar term for where people percieve inanimate things as having souls. Personally, I dont see my object as alive, but do sometimes use gendered terms to describe them and feel comforted by their presence. People can also be objectum and be attracted to actual people too.

Being objectum is also more common in autistic people. Object personafication is a common trait seen in autism and other disorders and i can see how that can lead people to being objectum. Though I have never been formally diagnosed with anything, i am probably neurodivergent & maybe that has a part in me identifying as objectum idk!! Theres a study on autism in objectum ppl here if u want to glance over it: https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-019-56449-0

For me, I started using the objectum label coincidentally around the time I started finally figuring out that i was aroace and not attracted to real people. I realized that the love I feel for my friends is equivalent to the love I feel for my hobbies and interests which was also the same love i felt towards certain objects. I drew this out cuz i think its a lil confusing how im saying it LOL. Theres also a thing called "conceptum" which is the attraction to concepts which I think i actually fall more into, but I just go by objectum because it is more general.

You know how people will swear they have this great relationship with nature? How they feel so so connected to plants and how they love watching the ocean and how they wish they could live outside forever because the forest is a part of their flesh and blood? How they feel more alive feeling the earths fresh air and how nature teaches them things they never even knew about themselves? okay, so, why is this normal to say but once u turn it around into something that’s an object it is insane talk!! I feel like there's this interesting dynamic where its okay to be super attached to nature but kinda weird to be super attached to inanimate things but i think i am rambling & getting off topic!!!

Personally, I dont really have objects that im attracted to in the same way I would be attracted to a human. It is very broad for me. Others though, have certain objects that they really like and thats fine. For me, going by that label just makes me comfortable even if i dont fit into the literal definition. I like computers in general, not just my own personal computer. Objectum for me is just another way to say that my love for inanimate things can be just as great as my love for animate things. Theres just so much complexity and nuance in it that it is hard to describe unless you've experienced it yourself.

As for it being a coping thing, I've heard some people say its a result of not being able to trust people due to past trauma, but i dont believe that's necessarily true for the majority of people and not too good to generalize. Ive grown up surronded by friends and in a loving environment and am able to maintain relationships with living people, but also use the label of objectum because it makes me comfortable.

I can very much see how someone can look at someone saying theyre attracted to objects and just cringe a little bit and thats okay LOL. At this point, I have been exposed to so many concepts -being online so much and surrounded by so many diverse people- that i just dont even pay it mind. But, I know a lot of people have literally never heard of this label before and are just weirded out by it. I think honestly people need to think about the limitless potential a relationship can be when in the hands of such a complex being as a human. At the end of the day though, it doesn't hurt anyone but its also okay to be a lil unsure of it as an outsider. Just be kind to others!!

Im sorry if this is a bit of word vomit, if u cant tell i got a lil too into it & my thoughts tend to be rlly scattered LOL. thank u 4 the ask & plz let me know if u need any clarity on anythin cuz i know i am very hard to follow at times !!!

[objectosexual]

Hii! So this is a question (that I've also been thinking about myself) how did you figure out you we're object sexual and how did you come to terms with it? (As someone who's currently questioning if they are or not rn)

I know I've talked about it here and there so sorry if some of this is me repeating myself but...

I didn't fully figure it out until I was around 16 or 17 if I remember right (it's been over a decade at this point), but I like. Had crushes on objects pretty much my whole life lmao

But yeah finding info about objectumsexuality (or objectophilia, which was the term primarily used pre-2014 when I was figuring this all out) was kinda hard. Pretty much the only stuff out there was like, click bait about people like Erika Eiffel (and other openly objectum people in relationships with public objects) which sensationalized aspects of it and all that. Stuff I didn't entirely relate to at the time (as I thought I was some level of aroace until I was like 18 -- a lot of it was dysphoria)

But yeah I had a like. Loose idea that the label existed and kinda fit me. I didn't think my experiences counted since the objects I liked were all fictional characters that were alive/anthropomorphized. I liked objectheads and gijinkas of objects. I didn't relate to like. The idea of liking something "cold."

I think it finally clicked when I got a crush on my first car, which was my first real relationship with an object (since I don't count my previous fictional object selfships as such 😅) I can't remember if I used the label prior to realizing I was attracted to my car or not but! I know for a fact I've been using the objecto/objectum label since!

Also all of this was WAY before I learned about the POSIC+ label and up until that point I just described that sort of experience as having hyper-empathy to inanimate objects (which is still true! but I now know it comes from a place of seeing objects as having souls or sapience or whatever)

Anyway as far as coming to terms with it... I don't entirely remember that process. I do remember struggling with it a bit, but at the time, I literally felt like I was the only objectum person on Tumblr (I wasn't, but since no one was really using labels I couldn't find anyone, but people definitely did find me)... It was definitely an alienating experience to be seemingly the only person online who wants to be in a serious relationship with his car.

But eventually meeting more people who had similar experiences, attractions, etc. helped me feel better about it and be more open about it.

Then the (threat of the?) porn ban happened which forced me to closed down my objectum porn blog, which I was already kinda ehhh about running due to some harassment I was receiving on and off Tumblr. So at that point I was more reserved about it

So my timeline is like:

Birth to 2012-ish: object crushes but no idea why

2012-2014: figuring out the label exists and questioning it

2014-2015: realizing it does apply to me, began relationship with my first car

2015-2017: open about it on main & running a porn blog

2017-2020: rarely brought it up directly

2020-present: more open about it again (as well as somewhere in there deciding to be more open about my relationship with Clockboy as an object, not just objecthead)

Idk if this helps at all but that's kinda the gist of figuring it out aha. I don't think you've always needed to know or anything, attractions can begin at any point in your life imo, but I think the following is important to consider if you're not sure:

What kind of attraction are you experiencing?

Is it romantic? Sexual? Both? Is it purely aesthetic? Or even platonic? All of these are incredibly valid, but I think if you have never felt "I want this object to be my romantic partner" or "I want to have sex with this object" then it might be worth doing some introspection on whether or not you "only" identify with the POSIC label -- a lot of those feelings really get muddied and that's what can make it confusing... But it's also possible you haven't found an object that you want that sort of connection with!

I think it's worth remembering you don't have to identify with the objectum label if, after self reflection, it doesn't resonate. Like I can't tell you how or how not to identify, and at the end of the day, it really doesn't matter that much, but if the experiences and feelings of other objectums feel close to your's, it might be worth exploring more as a label for yourself!

But yeah I hope this... All makes sense? Like my journey in particular may not be the like... Standard experience, since my whole life has just been me lusting after objects and once I had an object I considered my partner, it all relatively fell into place

[smallcrystals]

pls pls pls i need some flashspruce headcanons, idc what they're abt i just NEED

i've been on the verge of insanity lately

this is so real and honestly your insanity brought back mine so thank you

i feel like part of the reason i've kinda fell off my eqg soapbox is bc i felt like i've said all i've ever wanted to say abt them, but i don't think i have actually! if you do not mind me repeating myself occasionally:

between flashspruce, flash has the most experience with boys despite having realised his attraction to them later than timber did. this is mainly because flash is surrounded by more boys because high school, the maths is pretty simple

timber, on the other hand, had a more complicated relationship with sexuality because his gender was doing all sorts of funny things. he had an idea that he was pan (of course, he didn't have the words for it yet) but he was never sure if he was romantically interested in boys or just admired them so obsessively he wanted to be one. as timber grew into his teen years he realised it was both lol

timber hides this with his confidence but flash can see right through it because he's dealt with boys like this before when they've hit on him previously (though they're never quite as cute as timber is. pretty privilege i tell ya)

when they're friends, they have this specific dynamic that idk how to explain (the closest i can think of is hyung-dongsaeng in korean culture), but essentially it's this feeling of wanting to dote on your friends that are younger than you (even if it's just by months). that's how flash treats timber in the early stages – flash finds out he's older than timber by a few months and now he cannot think outside of timber = baby

timber loves the mane 7 but if flash is tagging along with their hangouts (which is usually the case, timber only rarely hangs out with them as a group by himself), he's very clingy and has his arm hooked with flash's. flash finds it adorable, especially when timber refuses to let go in public

i see 2 ways in which they can go from friends to lovers; either it's very natural and it doesn't feel like anything's changed, OR they've reached a breaking point where they're just seconds away from devouring each other. sunset says that sometimes flash looks at timber like he will leave bite marks on the guy if he doesn't stop whatever he's doing (existing). both are good i'd say

timber has always filmed little candids of flash when they start being friends, mainly on his phone but whenever they're out by themselves, he brings his fancy camera out. flash doesn't know this, mainly because timber doesn't show him out of embarrassment, but you can really tell the person who filmed the videos loves their muse

flash sends over lyric docs whenever he feels like it and usually these are without any context, literally no "hello" or "how are you", just [text].doc and timber's like ???. but then timber reads them and is like sad™. timber's never admitted to this, and it'll take him a while to do so, but there have been certain lines in flash's lyrics that had him crying. how many chances do you get in life where your muse considers you their muse too?

flash sometimes buys timber books that he's read just so timber can also read them and then freak out the same way he did. most of the time timber's reaction is "why would you make me read this i am now clinically insane" which was exactly flash's goal

i would try to debate who would be the pathetic lover between flashspruce but there is no answer to that bc they are both equally pathetic in their own ways sorry loverboys

flash actively joins timber when he goes to get more wood just so he can see timber in a tanktop and an axe but flash will deny this every step of the way

timber can't say anything though bc man does this as well during the summer months when the flash drive are performing at bars; flash is Not about to wear leather in this weather and timber's gonna enjoy every moment of it

and yeah flash teaches timber the guitar bc what is he if not a lover of music and queer rockstars (he thinks timber could make a really cool queer rockstar if not for the fact he would steal a million of girls' hearts in one second and a smile)

these two make me want to chew a wall. dead serious

(i see your ask about flash, i will get to that soon i promise 🫡)

[aroaceconfessions]

Uh hello, I'm kinda questioning... so i think I need advice or something,

I think I found a label that kinda fits but I don't know if it's fair to call myself aspec/under the asexual umbrella

But I'm gonna start from the beginning so this will make sense,

Ps: this got long so I'm gonna cut some parts and make some bullet points instead

When I was 8 I chose who to have a crush on

When I was 12 I joined a very gay fandom and shipped gay people (helped me stopped being homophobic)

"But I wasn't gay"

When I was like 13 every day on the bus I was thinking of this one girl

And I was like I can't be gay

And I had a whole list on my brain of why "I wasn't allowed to be gay"

Till a friend of mine came out as bi when we were like 13-14, and I realized that if they're allowed to just be Then There's no invisible wall forbidding me

And I did too, I came out to a few people as bi

When I was 12 I had a crush on a boy, once my friend pretended to like him to see my reaction(cause it was my 1st crush while they had a different one every week) and I had deleted my feelings after a 45 minutes class, but she just told me it was a joke but, I already like, felt nothing?

I've had a couple of crushes over the years, it actually takes me a long time to figure out "Oh hey this might be a crush" and most of my crushes, they were just random people from school, that I've never talked to and I didn't actually wanted to? Like that's my crush ok. End of story, no biggie

I only had a crush on a friend once, and I never told anyone about it. This was like when I was 15, and I recently (im 17 now) found out they have an online gf and I didn't felt any kind of jealously one might expect to feel, I'm happy for them

The thing with my crushes is, fictional characters? I usually love the boys, real people? Usually Girls that look gay

I think what mostly makes me question whether I'm fully bi, is that I related a little too much to Georgia Warr from Loveless by Alice Oseman (for anyone that doesn't know the book is about Georgia figuring out her identity as aroace)

One of my main suspicions is a photo, it was from an actor I really liked a few years ago, he was shirtless and all the comments were like "😍😍🔥🔥🥵🤩hot" and the first time I saw it I was like yeah, but then I saw the same photo a week later and I was like ew why is he shirtless get dressed dude, and I was confused with the same comments I saw and agreed a week ago

Also, some of the fictional characters i love I say I'm in love with them, but I don't actually want to "date" anyone (like my friends do) and 9/10 I ship the characters with someone

And I recently found out what Aceflux is

I would explain it as "on/off sexual attraction" that's how I understand it, at least. I don't know if/how much I'm wrong. I can't find a lot about it online

When I think about it, I'm not sure what I find "hot" sometimes I see someone and I'm like oh hot but not like in a "I wanna sleep with them hot"

I'm 17 and I've never been in a relationship or anything,

And while its sounds cool and all, I'm doing fine single yknow? I'm not actively looking for a relationship like most people seem to be doing

I've been questioning with the Aceflux label for a while now, it just makes sense,

Things I've done/thought in the past make more sense if an "on/off sexuality" is an option

but I feel like a fraud if I do use it and call myself that

Google is like "mostly on the asexual spectrum but sometimes allo"

What if it's a mix? What if I'm more allo than Aceflux? Or actually I'm not even sure anymore?? Idk I think I experience sexual attraction like 10 minutes a week when I see something on the internet that seems fancy

Is there a way to measure it?

Would it be unfair to use that label?

I don't even know anymore

Also, bc I've got double questions how? Romantic people? Demiromantic? How different? Like do people get Romantic feelings instantly?how? what? I don't understand

I'm questioning everything at this point

Only my gender, which I figured out at 15, seems to be safe...for now

[nothorses]

weird question you might be able to help me with because you seem to possibly share similar experiences? so in those posts a few days ago you mention how you would date women before you realized you were trans because it felt good to be gay even if you had the direction wrong...

see okay, I've felt like that or at l similar to that a lot, and I often find myself getting crushes on girls I know irl but then when I actually act on those feelings (with one exception where things were blurry) I end up realizing I just like the relationship because I get to be (yes I know how cishet normative this is to say) "the man" in these relationships. I end up feeling deeply uncomfortable whenever I have to imagine being more intimate than light kissing with any of these people. on the other hand, I always "dream/imagine" myself to be in relationships with men (usually other trans guys) and never with women in my mind, but when it comes to real life I not only do I hardly ever interact with men (it's all very confusing to me + where I live is pretty homo+transphobic) but the few I've had that express interest in me are not my type and the one I was willing to give a try once ended up ghosting me when things started picking up.. except there's no guys I've really ever really been interested in, except for like models/characters/others who are impossible to reach

I know some people say that's comphet when you only like someone of a certain gender when unachievable (and yeah as a trans guy comphet isn't maybe the exact right word, but I feel attraction to women in a queer way and I feel the word connects more to my girlhood upbringing)... But anyhow, if it's comphet... Then why don't I like the relationships once they start picking up steam? But on the other hand, if I like guys, why is it so hard to be initially attracted to them? And not even just that but just to generally interact with them? And ofc I know like bisexual exists... But then why does the word just feel so wrong, and like gay doesn't feel right either.. Something feels off about straight too.. And I know there's others but to start there nothing fits and I haven't found anything more obscure that seems to either

it's just I find myself seemingly only liking men in theory, and then I find myself liking women irl until the relationship develops beyond what might be platonic and then I'm just bothered by it too (might also be important to note all the women I've dated I was extremely close with for years before we dated, and all the guys who expressed interest in me I had limited to medium interactions with for 6months-1year before they expressed their interest)

even if you don't know anything, do you have any like resources that are good for these sorts of things- or any ideas for questions I could be asking to better understand my feelings? I for some reason feel like this is all so much harder than gender XD

Idk I probably sound a bit whacky, but maybe you could help- if not that's okay too, no expectations! Thank you for reading!

There's a lot of things that could be going on here, and I am definitely not an expert! I just want to preface that what I'm giving you here is based on my experiences, and how I understand what you've told me.

First, I really want to encourage you to look into asexuality and aromanticism. The labels and experiences might not end up fitting you, but I think it's important to have access to those labels and be able to consider them as part of this process.

This is a good overview of asexuality, and I recommend clicking around this page a bit to get a better understanding of the term, the experiences, and the grey-ace umbrella. This is a good starting point for aromanticism- and info on this is a little harder to find overall, but I think of it as a romantic equivalent to asexuality in many ways, if that helps as a starting point.

That said, I resonate a lot with what you've laid out here; I'd always had a sort of abstract attraction to men, but this never seemed to manifest in the meatspace.

It wasn't until I started T that I suddenly grew a lot more comfortable with the idea of actually being with men, and started to actually identify feelings for accessible men in my life.

I think it was something about comfort with my body, personally; I just couldn't imagine being with a man "as a woman", and I couldn't get past the idea that I'd always be seen as one as long as I looked the way I did. T made me feel like I was finally moving forward, and like the possibility of being seen the way I wanted to be seen was realistic and happening.

That was also around the time I looked back and realized that a very intense, very emotional, very physically affectionate friendship I'd had with a gay friend of mine had, uh, maybe not been 100% platonic. My dumb ass really cuddled this boy for hours on end while he played with my hair, thought my life was over when we stopped being friends, and still thought I "didn't have crushes on men". Jesus christ.

That might not be what you're experiencing, and it might not resonate with you! But it's where those threads went for me, and it might be worth adding to the list of possibilities to consider.

I think ultimately, the best thing you can do for yourself is to just... not worry about it. Just do what feels right in the moment; don't push yourself into anything you don't want, and don't hold yourself back from anything you do. Let the labels come later, when there's a pattern to identify. Maybe just don't worry about them for now.

[criss962]

amm I was just thinking about these the other day, cuz like any other overthinking person I torture myself with no other thing than my thoughts

Like 4 years ago, I started to come to terms with the idea that man wasn't the only choice for me (as a woman) to be with in a romantic relationship ... which (in a way) felt like some sort of relief, cuz before, I was terrified because of the fact that I had convince myself that I hadn't in me the capability of loving another person, this under the reason that man wasn't attractive to me (I mean don't get me wrong, Harry Styles Ross Lynch and others are gorgeous human beings) I could never picture myself in a relationship with a male partner, instead, I dreamed of being the Anakin Skywalker of Padma Amidala, she was the first woman that I picture as "I wanna marry her" haha, so yeah. I thought I was like broken like something in me was off and I was so scared, and honestly I still am, that there's no chance for me to be happy with this mistake, with this broken part in me. My parents are people that are completely strangers, so I'd never had anybody to hold on to, anybody to show me love in a hug, a word and my friends (or maybe it's just me idk) tend to come, stay for a while and then for one or another reason leave, my school (back then) or my town or even the country so yeah I've been lonely in a "sentimental way" most of my life.

Going back to the time line, 4 years ago I creat a Tumblr account cause somewhere, I think it was YouTube, I saw a video where a girl was celebrating her anniversary of idk how many years with her gf who she met through a post on Tumblr (yeah was one of those videos that YT shows you to remember you how single and lonely you are) and I was like... why not?

So I creat my account I personalize my profile and all of those, sometimes, unnecessary things that we do when we create some account. The things is that I posted like maybe 4 to 7 post with similar messages "any gal who wants to talk" and things like that with every saphic tag that I could think of and nothing happened. Until I get a few messages comes in, and with one girl we connected like inmediately, she was a year younger than me and had the craziest sense of humor. It was the kind of connection where you can talk all day and all night and you still have things to say. We'd talk through every social media that we knew Insta, Snapchat, Twitter, here... She had this some sort of power of magic inside of her that I just could not take my eyes off and it was mutual, we shared dreams and thoughts and idk it felt real it felt like something that was meant to be... Gezz we even talk about getting married, kids, future jobs and cabins in the woods.

Things started to fall apart like a year and a half later... and I think that that was the first time I could empirically empathize with every break up song that I've ever heard. My world stopped and like I was, and I'm still, in the closet with every relative that I have, I cried in the dark at nights, trying to make as less sounds as I could.

We met around this time of the year 4 years ago, she later got herself a gf and moved on as I heard after... I eventually dated a man for a couple of months just to idk "fit in" with the heteronormativity that was tattooed in my head since day one but we broke up a few month after.

Remembering her feels like a hole, because I start remembering those sweet conversations and then the bitterness of the goodbye. I honestly don't know anything about her actual status or what she's been up to. I just wish her the best and hope that she's doing all right.

I miss that kind of love that I had for her... where I felt safe of being clumsy or not that smart or just me. And that's something that thanks to her I learned about what I search for, maybe unconsciously, I don't expect that my partner make me the happiest person in the world, happiness it's quite absurd, I want that the person that I choose and that it choose me, gives me peace... that being around her makes me exhale, makes me let go the heavy of the world around us.

I loved her but I'm greatful for the time we shared and the things I learned from her. I missed the feeling that I haven't been able to find again but I hope that the both of us find our person.

flo

[algumaideia]

I read some chapters of Loveless and some stuff is relatable so I'm gonna write some personal and weird things here.

Before I start some more things:

1. If you are aspec and want to read it because of the rep be aware that the character has internalized aphobia. She feels like she is broken and wrong because she doesn't feel romantic and sexual attraction. So if you don't wanna read aphobic characters, especially aspec aphobic characters, I suggest you to do not read it. The character will problaby overcome it, since the story is about she discovering she is aroace. But just in case you do not wanna read it at all.

2. I'm just one person in the aspec spectrum. I heavily suggest you to check other aspec people opinion about this book. I'm asexual and I'm trying to figure out if I'm aro, and I've only realized I'm ace like two weeks ago. So you know, it is just my opinion about the things.

3. Also SPOILERS

4. This is not like a real analysis of the book, like it is just me saying a lot of weird personal thoughts.

5. It is really messy.

First of all I'm not liking the book. Idk why, but I'm just not really enjoying it. My feelings about it is something between ok and not enjoyable. I think it might be the characters?? Alice books are pretty much character driven and I don't think i liked them that much.

Now the weird personal stuff.

I think a lot of aspec people will find a lot of feelings and experiences the mc feel/live relatable. I believe at least one thing will hit close to home. Georgia, the mc, is not an aspec check box and she doesn't represent every aspec person, but I think she is capable to resonate with a lot of aspecs people.

The first thing I want to talk about is that Georgia loves love. She really enjoys romance. And I also do! I like reading romance books, I'm into shipping and everything. And I kinda of want that in my life. I know that real life relationships are not like the ones in books and movies, I know. But I just always imagined and wanted one, as Georgia. She didn't seem to realize that books and movies have been lying to her about what a relationship looks like but whatever. Other things is that she feels disguested whenever she feels about doing romantic (and sexual) things. I don't. I just cannot really imagine me doing anything. It is not like my first instict and whenever I try it just feels shallow and I just don't konw what to think. For example I just don't know what the hell people do when they go on dates. Like I've already seen movies/series and read books but it is still a confusing concept and I don't get what people do.

Other thing is that she have ever neither dated nor been kissed, and so haven't I. However she feels ashamed about that and while I do not, something that I felt was when she realized people at her age were kissing, dating, having sex. And you know, for a long time i thought that teenagers drinking, doing drugs, doing those things were a movie thing. Then I thought it was an USA thing. Now I know people at my age all around the world are dating, kissing the person they are dating, kissing strangers, having sex with the person they are dating, having sex with strangers, etc. And it all just feel like a parallel universe, it is so wild to think about it.

In a related note I think that if the media can normalize teenagers drinking, doing drugs, having sex, etc. The media also should normalize teenagers not doing any of these stuff and being happy about it.

Georgia also talks about how she never had a crush and since I'm still trying to figuere out if that is also my reality the only comment I'm gonna do about it is that it reminded me when I told my best friend I thought a guy was cute and she was like *pikachu surprise face*. Apparently I had never said I thought a guy was cute before, which I didn't even realized.

There is also the fact Georgia likes to read about people kissing and doing stuff but seeing them doing it or imagining people doing it with her makes she feels disgusted. And yeah. Reading about people kissing: amazing. Seeing them making out in a movie/series: fine, kinda weird, it always seem like they are trying to eat each other's face and I don't understand how is this pleasurable. Really stopping to think about being kissed: weird, i really cannot see how someone putting their tongue in my mouth is pleasurable and not just kinda disgusting.

Georgia trying to force herself to feel attraction is also relatable. When I was trying to figuere out if I was ace I would look to someone good looking and just you know, try to think something. But it didn't go anywhere, it was pretty shallow and it didn't feel right. I'm not sure how I feel like about romantic attraction though. LIke sometimes I look to a guy and I kind of wonder how it would be like if I dated him, but I stop if after some secs bc I'm just being stupid. And I don't really imagine anything???? Idk it is just weird.

I think I covered everything I wanted to talk?? Like Idk maybe later I'll do a proper analysis about it. But now I'm just a mess.

And finally, Georgia journey starts with her realizing that she didn't like and wasn't sexually attracted to Tommy, a guy that looks like Timothée Chalamet. And I took an embarrasing amount of time to realized, but what a coincidence. Because Timothée Chalamet was my asexual awakening. Like I was watching Dune and thinking wow, he is beautiful. In the other day I was doing nothing in the pinterest and saw an ace post that I related. I searched more ace posts and I discored that just thinking someone is good looking is not sexual attraction. So, thanks Timothée Chalamet.

Best regards,

Me.

Ps. Until now the rep seems good for me, but I don't know much about ace and aro rep so...

[waitimcomingtoo]

hi its 🧚‍♀️ anon here, so i just wanted to say smth here just bc i don't really know where else to say this or anyone to confide to, im sorry if this is so long

so i've been struggling with my sexuality for quite awhile, for the longest time i have thought that i was straight, just bc i have always been attracted to guys and brought up in a really straight family. growing up i have crushes on like a few female characters and such but due lgbtq+ not being a subject that was discussed a lot i didn't really think much of it. i only discover all about lgbtq+ when i got into marvel which was in 2018, but honestly i only really really educated myself when lockdown happened. for the past two years i didnt really talk much with my irl friends and mostly just interacted w my online friends but for a year ish now i've been thinking a lot about my sexuality and how i might like women and want to date them, but at the same time not really?? like idk if its my inner homophobia or im just straight. the fact that i've never been in any form of romantic relationship doesnt help either, literally never kissed or date anyone or even hold hands...i always wanted to experience it but from the few occasions i found out ppl like me i just felt grossed out and immediately dislike the guy? like its all so so confusing, the label that i felt quite nicely that might fit me rn biromantic demisexual but i haven't really come out to anyone yet except for 2 friends, one queer one straight. im so scared to even label myself bc i dont want to act as if im gay passing or suddenly label myself as straight and feed on the stereotype where being gay can be cured... i know i dont need to label myself or anything but it feels as if a part of me is missing.. but if i do came out i doubt i will anyway, my sister is open and out to me but i dont really feel safe coming out to her, my real life friends are so so religious and not really that open with lgbtq+, my family is a bit weird bc my cousins are supportive ig but they're not active supporters, my parents im not sure bc sometimes they act as if they're supportive but sometimes they dont so i honestly am not sure anymore this whole thing is so confusing and i just feel alone most of the time

wow lots to unpack here. My advice to you is not to rush into labeling yourself. That will only confuse you more and make you feel like you have to confine to the label. You don’t have to decide right now if you want to date girls or not. Sometimes, the only way you can find out is personal experience. I didn’t know I didn’t want to date boys until I was literally dating a boy. And unfortunately, I had to hurt him in the process of figuring myself out. Try not to do that lol. Try talking to women and seeing if you could actually imagine yourself dating a woman. It’s very different to want to actually be in a relationship with a girl versus just liking the idea of it. This process of figuring yourself out could take years and that is okay!! There is no rush. Don’t care about what other people think about this. It’s your journey and it’s all about you 💖

[raavenb2619]

Hi :) I've been thinking about this for a long time and I don't expect anything but I just need to get it off my chest and your blog has always felt safe. I'm sure I'm asexual, but I cannot for the life of me get behind my romantic attraction, if I even have any. Or maybe it's even a gender thing, I have so far always considered my self as cis (female), idk. The closest thing I ever had to a crush was on one of my best female friends, and I haven't ever really differentiated between males or females (I know there are more than 2 genders, I don't mean to offend anyone, but this was all the knowledge I had when I was like 15 but because I have always thought like I write in the following it probably sounds like I'm excluding other genders, that's not my intention at all) in terms of who I thought was beautiful. I was always like "I have eyes I can recognize beauty when I see it" and thought of myself as bi. Then I got really really sure that I'm actually ace, but now I don't know how to find out who or what or if I'm attracted to, because obviously I can't do it like "I'm sexually attracted to men as a female" and I'm just so confused. Like, the majority of the time in TV I focus on the males and how I like them aesthetically speaking, because women are in general more aesthetically pleasing? I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, I'm sorry 😅 but it also fluctuates, like I watch a queer TV show with 2 male leads/read male slash fanfiction and then I'm questioning if I'm attracted to females at all because then in my mind I'm attacked to men as another man, even though I don't feel male in my body or brain at all, if that makes any sense? And also vice versa obviously, but that only happens in real life, never with female slash in media. I absolutely hate straight romances most of the time, even though I admit that it could very well be because of bad writing and really bad characters :D but I can't see myself with a man at my side, and with a woman it varies depending on the day, but most of the time I don't really want a relationship at all... Sorry for rambling like this, I'm not even sure anyone can understand what I'm trying to say here, but thanks if you're reading it anyway!

Figuring out your identity, accepting your queerness, getting to the terms you like, is kind of like walking on a treadmill. Some people don’t walk at all; some people walk once; some people walk, stop and take a break, and walk some more; some people keep walking forever. But the treadmill doesn’t stop when you have a word for every conceivable question someone could ask you; that would be a little silly, right? The treadmill stops when you decide you’ve reached the goal you’ve set for yourself, regardless of where that goal may be. 

So if walking far enough that you have a word for your romantic orientation seems too much for you right now, you can get off the treadmill. Other people might still ask “what’s your romantic orientation?”, and you might decide to get back on the treadmill some day because that’s an answer you want to reach. But if you’re happy with where you are, even if there’s a question you can’t answer, you don’t have to walk any further than you already have. 

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions. 

[saturndivine]

I'm a sag Venus too (in sidereal astrology). Weirdest thing is, I've never been sexually attracted to people in my life. Like I've had tons of celebrity crushes and the lot but to actually see someone in real life, talk to them and want to date them?? Not a concept. Genuinely had a doubt that maybe I was just asexual.

I'm 24 and earlier this year, I was on Tinder talking to a guy, the first night of talking and we connected right away. Like I've had good online connections before but this felt divinely guided lmao. (It was also the first night I ever saw proper snowfall in my life and literally I have a picture of it on my phone cos it looked surreal - like magic, but also felt like a sign tbh. 💫)

He's quite different in comparison to me but I was so eager to meet him. And honestly girlll??? When I saw him and was talking to him...all I could think of was, "is this happiness? Is this the kinda stuff people go crazy about and write poetry and music for??"

Anyway, what I'm saying is that Sag Venuses are often thought of as flaky, adventurous and hard-to-tie-down kinda lovers but I can vouch that it's not true for all. I am very playful and happy-go-lucky type with him, very bubbly and cheerful but at the same time my Cap moon makes me grounded, stable and very loyal. I haven't even thought of someone else since I started talking to him. 😂

What is your romantic experience when it comes to dating and stuff? If you don't mind sharing of course. I've never met a lot of Sag Venus people and I'd love to know. :)

idk if my thing is on the asexual spectrum tbh? cause i literally cannot imagine going outside and finding someone to date ? i wont want to date anyone until like months into a relationship its very strange and it makes me feel weird. my aqua moon doesnt help either but yeah sag venus placements really dont know what to do with love.

but it does thrill me that you found someone on tinder??? my 12th house venus could never, she dreams of the most fairytale, love at first sight romance. i dont even think sag venus is flaky, theyre fire signs so we believe in a spark and if the spark aint there idk what to say ! but i love this for u i hope yall last forever and always and its fulfilling and rewarding and healing.

my experience is actually really funny cause ive literally had five long distance relationships ??? not sure if its cause of the combination of my aquarius moon (connection through technology) and sagittarius venus (distant lovers) but ive gone on dates and blah blah blah some how i only find myself liking people across the country !

[deadlymodern]

hello! I've recently read your story and it's so good! but I have a question for you lol which you don't have to answer this at all! up to you :) so recently I've been questioning my sexuality and I was just wondering like how does one know if they're bi or not?? like I've been wondering and wondering and idk how to like actually find out if im bi or not without being with a woman or something?? idk im not good at saying how im feeling but thank you, have a good day!

long reply ahead, I'm sorry ifogjdfiojgod

Hey there! Thank you for the sweet comment and I hope you're having a great day! 🥰

I'm so very flattered that you felt comfortable enough to come to me with this question. And I'd like to say, first and foremost, that you are a very brave person just for acknowledging that you might not be straight. Takes bravery to look at our sexuality and question it! Society tries to push heterosexuality onto people so hard that it can be absolutely terrifying to even imagine not being what they tell us to be.

I will tell you two things I wish people had told me back when I was lying in fetal position inside of the closet: 1) You do NOT have to label yourself right now (or ever, really) and 2) You do NOT have to have experiences to identify as anything.

You are questioning yourself. Wonderful! That's the first step to figuring yourself out! Now, don't go chasing a definite answer right away. It comes naturally to some people, but not to others. The biggest advice I'll tell you is to let yourself be free to experience whatever sensations you may feel. Explore them and explore yourself!

Since you mentioned women... Allow yourself to explore your feelings towards them. Watch WLW shows and films, see how you feel about that. Pay attention to your body language, your thoughts in general. Do you imagine yourself being in a serious relationship with a woman? If you are sexually active or intend to be in the future, can you imagine yourself having sexual relations with women? You don't have to have all the answers to these, but allow yourself to ask them. Just be open!

Something that really was helpful to me when I was coming out: watch some LGBT+ youtubers, see what they have to say! You think you might be bi? Watch some bisexual youtubers' coming out stories! Watch all coming out stories! Bi and lesbian women actually have a lot in common, but it just might be a bit harder to understand oneself as a bisexual because, if you feel just as much or even more attraction to the opposite gender, you might believe you are straight your whole life! See how you feel about their stories. Do you relate to them? Do you share certain insecurities with them?

Also: HAVE. LGBT+. FRIENDS. If you have IRL LGBT+ people in your life, confide in them. Maybe comment that you might be wondering about yourself and have a conversation about their own trajectory. They don't even have to be your friend! Maybe if your school has an LGBT+ activism club or if you know someone who isn't straight and seems friendly, try approaching them! If not, you can talk to online friends too! And, maybe if you know someone who truly is an ally and would not judge you, talk to them about it. TALK ABOUT IT and try to have a support system, people you can rely on. This is so important.

I will tell you a little secret: you don't have to have any romantic experience with the same gender to identify as bi/pan. You don't! It is not mandatory. Just as a person can identify as gay without ever having kissed someone of the same gender. So do not put that pressure on yourself. Please, don't feel like you have to kiss a girl to KNOW or to be valid. YOU DON'T. If you have the opportunity to experience it in a safe environment, then by all means, allow yourself to do so and see how you feel. But that's not what will "qualify" you as bi. It'll be just an experience that will be added to your self discovery. Labels are important and can be very very empowering. But you are still valid if you don't have one yet!

Now... I know a woman who was in a 10 years long serious relationship with a man and, by year 8, she realized she was bi. I know a woman who came out as a lesbian at age 30 when she had spent her whole entire life saying she was straight. I know people who are in very serious and wonderful relationships with people of the same gender but don't label themselves because, at the end of the day, the love they feel for that person is what matters. And even I... I have been getting involved with girls since I was 12 and I could only actually come to terms with my sexuality at age 19. "It's just for fun" and "I'm only practicing" were my mottos lmao. So there are no rules. Do you. It's hard, it can be confusing and scary. But you'll find an answer eventually, I promise.

Until then, please be free. Do whatever you feel like doing. Surround yourself with people that will put you up and be supportive. If you are able to, go to therapy. It's such a wonderful way to learn about yourself and your own struggles. Love yourself as much as you can, however you can, and never let anyone put you down ever. Especially not when you're questioning. If someone comes with a "it's just a phase" bs send them to me and I'll smack them real good.

I am so so so sorry for the long reply, but this subject is very dear to me and I just wanted you to feel comforted. Please, know that what you are going through is very normal and you are perfect the way you are.

I wish you all the good luck and positivity in the whole world! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

[janiedean]

Hi, lavi. I need to vent about something and I do it here because you're probably the only smart person I know in this place. I've always had straight experience and today I define myself heterosexual. I've never felt sexual attraction toward girls, I'm simply not interested at all. Once, just once in my life I literally fell in love with a girl I couldn't even meet because of distance, I was not even attracted to her physically, I only knew I wanted her in my life because I cared a lot (1)

(2)Our friendship ended because of reasons and I went on with my life. I kept calling myself straight because that’s exactly how I feel, until one day I read here that people like me have internalized homophia. Those comments made me feel like shit, because despite everything I still feel I’m not bisexual or anything. Everytime I try to think of me in that way I feel like I’m offending real bisexual people and all the struggles they face everyday. I’m broken… What’s wrong with me?

I’d say the real question is what is wrong with people’s inability to grasp that that’s not internalized homophobia, but anyway, in order:

people like to pretend it doesn’t exist or it’s outdated, but the kinsey scale is a thing and more people than one might assume can fall in the 1/5 range (ie they’re a 1 rather than a 0 or a 5 rather than a 6), so like….. you could be a one? if your thing for the girl in question was actually physical and not what people on here call platonic because I mean you can have intense relationships with people that don’t imply feeling sexual attraction for them;

if you don’t feel like the bi label applies to you then you don’t *have* to use it - like, a lot of people here have… let’s say questionable opinions on the fact because like…. idk if it’s an outdated term or whatever but *flexibility* (ie being a kinsey one if you’re straight and a five if you’re attracted to the same sex) exists and it doesn’t mean you’re bi;

also, internalized homophobia is denying you might be not straight, not what you just said you are;

ie, I said I was gonna shut up about it but whatever (fair warning to anyone reading this ask: if I get inappropriate questions about this the anon goes immediately off for the weekend): in 2003 I went to watch kill bill volume one. I went in having always been attracted only to men, both real or fictional, I watched that movie, I went out like ‘woah uma thurman is hot’. at that I went like ‘wait a moment does that mean I’m not as straight as I figured I might have been’, mind that I was entirely fine with any result - like if I had realized I actually was also into girls I’d have been down with it. I thought about it for some time and considered stuff and concluded that no, I really didn’t like girls in general and I wasn’t attracted to *women* in general and feminine secondary sexual characteristics did not do that for me whatsoever, so I shrugged and went like ‘okay I guess I have an exception’ and went on with my life. and like… now I know I’m not generally into women and actually 90% of Typical Female Secondary Characteristics for me a turn-off, but if uma thurman (or gwendoline christie’s) double [mind that they’re exactly the same type and none of those two has a hourglass figure, both have fairly flat chests and they’re both way taller than me, so… it’s one type] chats me up at the bar I’d 100% be down with it, but that’s because I have one exception, not because I’m bi. and like…… if I had internalized homophobia I’d try to deny that or try to convince myself I really don’t have that exception, I wouldn’t shrug and accept it;

now, imvho, you’d be offending bi people if you used that label if you’re not. I mean, at least to me, in order to use it I should be generally open to the idea of being into women as well in general, not just if they tick off thirty specific boxes on the list and if even one of those boxes isn’t cleared then it doesn’t work. like, if it was like ‘I’m attracted to women as well but I don’t really like people with dark hair’ then it’d be a preference and that’d be fine, but ‘I’m attracted to people who are THIS SPECIFIC TYPE AND JUST THAT OTHERWISE IT DOESN’T WORK’ (ie uma thurman’s face double with a D cup would not work for me xD) is not imvho enough to work as a *general* assessment and I’d feel like an asshole if I went around saying I’m bi when I’m not and I don’t feel like it’s the right label and when I haven’t faced any struggle bi people face when I know I’m not and I’m not questioning myself, I’ve done that already and I already decided it’s not the right one;

so like…. you had a crush on a girl, it didn’t work out, you also haven’t stated if it was sexual or not but let’s say she was your exception to heterosexuality: if it had worked out maybe you’d have wanted to redefine your label because I suppose saying that you’re straight if you’re in a relationship with someone of the same sex then it would sound fairly weird, but until it happens (and until then it would be your problem, not other people’s) at most you’re straight with exceptions. and if you admit you have them you can’t have internalized homophobia because like…. if you had you’d be denying it to yourself, not accepting it as a thing that might happen;

(that said I mean if you wanted her in your life because you ‘cared’ and not because you were attracted to her that way it might be…. like, really intense feelings but like, if there’s no attraction in that sense it might also be that it wasn’t even **romantic** idk but like if it wasn’t the case you’d still be straight XD)

also: you don’t have to be anything. like, now I’ll sound like an ass but on this website there’s a, uh, certain tendency to attach oneself to anything to avoid falling into the dreaded cishet category, so a lot of people call internalized homophobia anything that might be an exception to being straight or idk I mean apparently according to some people finding women aesthetically beautiful if you’re a girl means you’re lesbian (and like guys no I find dunno amy adams and rose leslie extremely objectively good looking because they have the looks I wish I was born with, not because I find them **attractive**, doesn’t make me attracted to them at all and I know the difference since again I do have an exception it’s just not *that* one XD) because then it means you can say that you’re not straight, but……… like. some people are straight and can objectively appreciate the same sex’s looks or might have one exception or two. if they feel like they’re straight and they have no issue with the idea nor have issues with same-sex relationships themselves then it’s not internalized homophobia and there’s nothing wrong with them, it’s like… normal stuff. if people here want to call everything internalized homophobia, their problem, but… that doesn’t mean that’s how it works.

personally: from what you’re saying it seems to me like you’re straight and you might have one specific exception and that’s it and since you’re having no issues saying that you might have fallen in love with a girl at some point that doesn’t seem like internalized homophobia to me, and actually… sorry but if you’re worried that by calling yourself bi you’re appropriating the label then you’re not offending anyone since you’re actually worrying about being inappropriate doing it. now: no one can tell you to identify as something you know you’re not. if you don’t have any other reason to assume you might be into women (iN GENERAL, not That One Specific Girl) then you’re most likely straight. you can consider the flexible label (which you can do as much as people here like to deny it exists) if you look into it and you decide it’s more fitting, but like… there’s nothing wrong with you for having had one exception and not wanting to define yourself as something you feel you’re not, because if you actually did then you’d be doing exactly what you say you’re not comfortable doing, so… doesn’t sound like the case to me.

tldr: go ahead with your life, there’s nothing wrong with you and everything wrong with tumblr dot com and its obsession to force label on people while at the same time preaching the contrary ie that it’s everyone’s own choice to decide what it is that they are. /two cents

[sometimesrosy]

Hi Rosy. This is embarrassing, but I've never had a boyfriend and I'm 21. What am I doing wrong? When I was in high school, a few guys did ask me out but I didn't want to be in relationship with them and I didn't feel ready to be in a relationship. I thought it would happen later in college, but it hasn't happened at all. I need your advice. How do I meet a decent, nice guy? What do I do to make this happen? I just kinda want to get this out of the way. ugh I hate sounding pathetic and sad.

Baby honey child. How do you all keep sending me these asks. Do you know me or something? Am I giving something away about myself that you all are picking up on?

I didn’t have a real boyfriend until I was 25… although I lost my virginity at 22, to a guy I saw for a year and a half in what we would now call “friends with benefits.” Oh wait. No. I lost it to a guy right before him who ended up being “nothing.” And then I started seeing fwb guy. I didn’t date at all in high school, and I dated a little in college, even made out, but never had a boyfriend.

I spent a lot of my teens and early 20s thinking I was doing it wrong. Thinking there was something wrong with me. I spent a lot of time in my 20s and 30s exploring my sexuality, both trying to understand myself, my experiences and also pushing myself to open myself up to relationships and my sexuality.

I had boyfriends. I fell in love. I had flings. I committed to someone and had two kids with him. I’m 47 freaking years old. Guess what I discovered after coming to this fandom?

I’m demi ace. 

There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m not a prude. I’m not too picky. I’m not conservative. I’m not a wallflower. I’m not damaged. I’m not frigid. I’m not an ice queen. I’m not too shy. I’m not just not giving them a chance. 

I just work differently than most people. I can feel strong emotions for a person and feel sexually attracted to them after that. I can get a crush on a best friend. I can work up my desire to search out sexual activity (it takes me weeks if not months to build up to where I can just take it on as an adventure, but I can do it.) I can pine for years. I can keep it all fantasy based. I can need to have an emotional, conversational connection before getting turned on, even in a long term relationship. I can be surprised by a sudden physical attraction from out of nowhere and have no need to take action on it. I can not need to be in a relationship at all. 

When I was a teenager, I made a decision to work on myself, not look for a boyfriend. It never seemed to be a hardship to me, except for the social pressures to date, and the feeling that I was doing it wrong. Not being a teenager or a girl or whatever. 

Now, I don’t know if this is your issue, I don’t even know if you’ve never had sex, but I felt a lot like you with the same story as you told me. And I felt so much SHAME about being a virgin that long. About not having a boyfriend. Not being sexually active. Not being like everyone else. I’m completely okay with people having sex before marriage or whenever they want with whomever they want…. intellectually. But I wasn’t able to get myself into doing that. In the end I just “got it over with,” and that helped with the big V, but didn’t change my essential nature. I kind of wished I had been bolder with one of the people I had liked better than that guy, but it did break me out of my feelings of shame surrounding it. So I could just get past the stigma of not having any experience. 

It’s so funny. There are all these kids running about tumblr declaring people’s sexualities fake and not good enough and not queer enough and made up and just trying to make themselves special or something, and I’m thinking, chilluns, this sexuality stuff is EVER EVOLVING. I’m STILL learning about myself, and it’s not like I didn’t actively pursue this identity, as a progressive intersectional feminist interested in women’s empowerment and LGBT issues. I actually TAUGHT WORKSHOPS on this kind of identity stuff. 

So.

That’s a lot of information about me, when you asked me for advice. Here’s what it boils down to.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

Not having sex and/or not dating people and/or not being romantically active IS NOT A DEFECT. You are not pathetic or sad. It’s okay to do it this way. You get something out of it. What? Peace. A sense of self. Independence. A feeling of surety when it does happen (even if it doesn’t work out in the end, you know you chose it.)  You don’t have to waste your energy on people who don’t matter to you. You get to say where your focus goes. It’s not all bad. 

First thing to figure out is if you actually WANT to be in a relationship. Let’s assume you do, since you sent me that ask. 

Second thing is to be okay with yourself the way you are. There’s no need to feel ashamed. If you look into the demisexual (or demiromantic, idk, maybe your issue is romance not sex,) and find that’s somewhere that you fit, it might help you make peace with the way you move through the world. Without those feelings of shame, it will be a whole lot easier to meet people.

Third thing omg I’m not sure I know how to meet people. I just make myself put myself out there and be open to people. I used to force myself to go on at least 3 dates with guys to give them a chance. I’m not sure I would do that again. There’s no one I broke up with at the 3rd date that I felt even a question of chemistry with at date 1. And no one I continued dating who I did not immediately like from date 1. However, it is true that I never met ANYONE unless I consciously, actively opened myself up to meeting someone. Unless I was friends first and it snuck up on me after I already knew them. Either or. Already have the emotional connection. Or consciously recognize that you are looking to FIND that emotional connection and allow yourself to be open.

I’m not sure if this helped you at all, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time, even before I knew there was such a thing as demiace. But it was kind of nice to learn about it and recognize myself and see where I fit in and how it connected all the dots in my life going back all the way to kindergarten. Not wrong, not defective. Just kinda queer. :)

[lesbian-ed]

🌸Hi, a few years ago when I was 16 (19 now)I was forced out to my friends by this homophobic girl, and I came out as bi (still in the closet to my family), I'm no longer friends with any of them, but I can't figure out what label I should have, I really want to just know who I am. I said to them I was bi, but I've never felt right with that label. I read about comp het and it makes so much sense to me, but I still don't know. 1/5

🌸I feel, like, attracted to male celebs, but only when they’re in films or tv, and watching interviews of them ruins it?, and whenever I’m around guys I get these thoughts I can’t control about kissing them and sleeping with them and I feel rlly self conscious, I said this to a friend who said it’s a crush, but I get it with people I don’t like at all 2/?

🌸 And sometimes I have a phase where I feel like I could date a guy and marry him and have kids and be happy but it feels like I’m imagining a perfect version of me that actually im not like at all? And as well I can only imagine myself with a young guy, once I think about a 30 yr old or older I don’t want it anymore, but the perfect fantasy seems so appealing idk 3/?

🌸I feel different about girls but I don’t know I’m catholic and I feel like it’s always been other people are gay and that’s ok but not me? And I don’t know whether I feel no attraction to girls or I’m pushing it down bc when I see girls kiss on tv I literally have started crying and I saw a lesbian couple in public once and I got butterflies and also Ive found myself changing pronouns in songs in my head without realising but I’ve never had close to a crush on anyone especially not a girl 4/5

🌸Ive never even met a gay girl except for one pan girl at school but she was really weird and rude so I don’t know what it’s supposed to be like to like someone? writing this all down it makes it sound like I’m definitely a lesbian but that scares me so much bc ill never have a normal life and I can’t shake this feeling that actually I do want to be with a guy but I’m trying to be interesting or I’m faking this or something. Pls tell me your thoughts on this 5/5

Oh, anon. This literally all feels as if my younger self came into my ask box just now to ask for advice. 

I understand your pain, I really do, I went through so many of the same thought processes you’re describing now. It’s good that you’re aware of compulsory heterosexuality, since I believe that will make sorting your feelings easier. Still, I recommend you look through our tag (if you haven’t already) to read more thoughts on this. It’ll help. 

I obviously can’t tell you what your sexuality is for you, that’s your own journey to make, but this sounds so much like my own experience that I’m pretty sure what the answer is already.

Anon, let me tell you a story, I went to a catholic school and while my parents are pretty liberal and not that religious (in fact, my dad’s an atheist) I was also raised with the idea that ok, there were gay people out there, and I didn’t care what other people did with their lives! But honestly that was kind of weird and I couldn’t be like them, because they weren’t normal, like I should be. I was bullied a lot as a kid, because I was weird and ugly and way too shy and easy to pick on, so I grew up with this idea that whatever else happened, I had to stop being like that, I had to be beautiful and normal and acceptable. And that of course included a perfect fantasy of marrying the man of my dreams after he fell in love with men when I suddenly grew up to be the most beautiful woman there was, and having kids, and holding down a successful job that I was happy doing and having lots of money and well, just having the most perfect life. How could I not want that? Ever since I was old enough to walk, society fed me the idea that this was my ideal endgame, how could we ALL not dream about that at some point? 

I used to be obsessed with those stories where the “ugly” girl suddenly turns beautiful and the Nice Perfect Popular Boy finally notices her and they get together, those stories were my dream life. As a kid and young teen I’d fantasize about them constantly, I’d make up characters that would always end up fulfilling those same tropes. It was the way to prove to all those who ever called me ugly or belittled me because I was nerdy that “see? I got the happy ending” so when I was twelve, and suddenly all the girls were having crushes on boys I felt nothing for, while I started noticing seemingly out of the blue just how incredibly beautiful so many girls my age and older were, I got veeery scared. I couldn’t like girls like that, I wasn’t like that, I was already weird and had no friends, so how could I ever hope to find a girl who liked girls who’d like me? And if I did, everyone already hated me, so how would I bear it? The stares and the insults and the danger we’d face if people saw us together on the street? So I pushed that attraction down as far as I could, I convinced myself I was actually just too inmature to start thinking about crushes and all that stuff, and obviously when I was mature enough and the time came, I’d like boys, because that’s what Normal Girls did right? And I had to be normal.

In my school’s equivalent of US’ eighth grade, a new boy came to our class, he was pretty, and friendly, and most importantly, blonde! and he was the school sports star! It felt like every movie-like fantasy I ever had come to life. Every girl was in love with him, so one time I had a dream where we were dating. I woke up being absolutely ecstatic, that must have meant I had a crush right? I liked a boy? I was definitely straight?

I never actually began feeling nervous around this boy, or looking at him any more than usual until I had this dream and decided that meant I was in love. I told a friend eventually because I was excited about being in love and the fantasy I had created for myself about our perfect relationship (which did involve us kissing and having sex, and I never actually felt turned on about it but I did imagine it a lot because it meant we were In Love, so those fantasies happen even if you don’t actually like like the person in question, dw!), and isn’t that what you do when you like someone? Gossip about it with your friends? She told some of my bullies and the dude found out, so he started laughing at me in the middle of the class and calling me ugly and saying he was traumatized at the mere idea of me liking him. 

And I… felt nothing. I was angry of course, and sad, but it was just the same anger and sadness I felt when some random I didn’t like made fun of me, it wasn’t even like what I felt when former friends said nasty stuff about me. And I wanted to be heartbroken I wanted to wallow in the misery and the drama of it, but I just wasn’t, it was the same “well this shit sucks and I’m angry about it but it happens everyday so wyd?” There was no deeper feeling there, not even any special resentment, there was nothing. I never felt anything ever again when I looked at this boy.

Now, sometime later, the same boy starts dating a girl from our class, and it was around the same time that I was coming to terms with the fact that the latent attraction I had started to feel for women when I was younger had never actually gone away but rather had grown. Things were purely about sexual attraction for me at that point, not romantic feelings. I hadn’t actually been in love with a girl either by that point. Because even tho I was accepting my sexual attraction to women, I still had the idea in my mind that ideally I would end up with a boy, because when so much of my hopes for the future relied of me being beautiful and a man falling in love with me forever and ever so that I could have a normal future, letting go of that dream took a while. I called myself bisexual for a while, only to realize very little later that it didn’t actually fit me. When I did, it was hard, because I had to re-come out again to my mom and the two friends I had told, and that really scared me, because I felt like some fake, like what I felt was not actually real. I put it off, and my friends & mom were accepting but they also were like “you’re just confused about your sexuality!!/this is just a phase!!” so that fed into my insecurities. Even when I realized I was sexually into women only, I still hadn’t fallen in love with one, so that made things more confusing for me (I hadn’t fallen for any boy other than the one I mentioned earlier and one I met on a vacation that thought I liked for like a week because he had a pretty voice and was pretty androgynous lmao, but again, no heartbreak when he went away)

Eventually, (funnily enough through fandoms and f/f ships and fics that depicted them in loving relationships, And I cried when I read about girls kissing too, at first I thought it was because I was a Good Straight Ally, but I was just a lesbian lmao) I realized that I could also be happy in a relationship with a woman, that it was not only a possible future for me, but one that I wanted, one that felt right, one in which I wouldn’t be the beautiful, perfect, feminine, smart, succesful career woman I had dreamed of as a kid, but in which I’d be me, with all my quirks and faults, with another woman with her own quirks and faults who’d love me for who I am, because that was possible! It was possible to be happy like that!. When I realized this, that me liking girls romantically and sexually, and exclusively girls was okay, it felt like a veil was lifted from my eyes. Suddenly, all the feelings and attraction I had thought I had felt for boys paled in comparison to the intensity of what I felt for women, I learned what actual sexual desire was like, I yearned for a future with a real me in it with a real woman by my side, instead of the fake ideal I’d wanted to be when I was younger. It was around that time I fell in love for the first time.

Remember how I mentioned the boy I used to “like” got a girlfriend? Well, guess who I fell for? Me and her were assigned seats together one year in high school, and I got to know her through the first term, every time liking her more and more, until one day, she just walks into class, and I think she did something different with her hair? Whatever it was, seeing her felt like someone punching the breath out of me, it felt like watching literal perfection embodied. And I was gone, I was just so so sooo gone. I felt sparks when we sat next to each other, I couldn’t stop smiling like a fool whenever I looked at her, she’d say something nice to me and it felt like my soul was flying out of my body. And of course it was idealized, it was a crush on a girl I didn’t know that well, but the feelings I had, I had for her, for her actual personality, her actual sweetness, her actual kindness, even her actual rashness sometimes, not the fantasy I had made up of her that I projected onto her like I did when I “liked” her boyfriend. I liked her as a person. Plus the intensity of both crushes was just so fucking different. When I liked her, I cried when we were apart and at the thought of her with her dumbass idiot boyfriend, I listened to a love song and could relate to it for the first time. I understood finally why people would write poetry and songs and do all sorts of crazy things for this feeling. 

Tldr: I also fantasized about the ideal boy and I was never able to allow myself to feel anything for a girl because of how much I had repressed my sexuality due to fear of backlash until I was able to recognize that yes, liking women was OK and then all my repressed feelings came pouring out like a tsunami. 

If that sounds like something you can kind of relate to, then that’s your answer anon. However, it might not be, or maybe you don’t know if it is yet. That’s alright! Sexuality can be complicated and it can take a long time to figure it out. You’re not on a deadline here, you don’t have to stress about it.

As for the normal part, yeah being a lesbian in this society sucks a lot. And I still get terrified of the idea that I will not be “normal” and that I can never be happy. Even if I know deep in my heart that I can never be happy with a man, sometimes I wonder if it’d be worth it to spare me the pain. The answer? Hell no, I’ve got one life, one, what’s the point of wasting it on loveless unfulfilled relationships when I could try to go for someone I’ll actually be happy with? There’ll be pain, of course there will be, I live in a small town and I’ve only just started meeting other lesbians & bi girls offline this year because I’ve gone to university, and I’ve only ever actually started talking to and becoming actual friends with the ones I knew online this year too because I was so terrified before! All of them tell me about their hurt, and how lesbophobia affects them a lot, and yet I see them talking about how much they love their girlfriends/wives (I don’t have that because I’m an awkward potato but I’m trying) and also other lesbians, and it gives me hope, because I can be just like them, finding genuine happiness amidst the pain.

I hope this answer helps you. 

Mod M :D