#I've like. sat down with the intent to draw something but I'd need a reference for it

[lulubeanie]

Oughh.. I need to draw a picturrreee

[callmelexy]

Oh... It's a sense of self

First of all... What is a "sense of self"?

According to google, a sense of self refers to your perception of the collection of characteristics that define you. Personality traits, abilities, likes and dislikes, your belief system or moral code, and the things that motivate you — these all contribute to self-image or your unique identity as a person.

After watching Inside Out 2 today, I realised that the sense of self we have skews our perception and determines our actions.

Let's say I dropped my cup of coffee today...

If I had a negative sense of self, I'd probaby say "F*ck, i'm so dumb for dropping that coffee cup". If I had a positive sense of self, I'd probaby say "Oh no, my coffee! It's ok. Sometimes it's just a bad day."

The development of our sense of self begins at a young age, I believe. Weaving together from our childhood until now. As I sat through the movie and saw Riley with her multiple emotions, I realised a strong sense of self is good but it is also malleable. I once suffered from very deep negative self talk. On the outside, I pride myself as a go-getter, a problem solver but the source of that pride came from a terrible fear of failure. I'd rather not take on a project or request than to fail and dissapoint those around me. With therapy and keeping a more open mind, I realised my sense of self altered from drawing motivation from "I need to prove i'm good enough" to "I may not be the best, but I will try my best".

As my sense of self improved, I realise the lens of my looking of others changed too. I was less skeptical of others' intentions, more into giving people chances, more genuine with my interactions and definitely, more trusting of my own intuition.

Yesterday, I had dinner with two friends, J and Q. As per our usual meet up, we talked about life, love, career and everything in between. J went on about how her work predicament included not being able to small talk or "play the game" to win brownie points with her boss. What really struck a chord with me was her saying "Alex, you know how to play the game and I wish I knew how to." For some reason, part of me felt anger. I felt accused, shamed and embarrassed. I tried to take pride in it, tried to cover with something like "oh ya, playing the game is fun" but i knew those were not honest words. And for that, J & Q, I'm sorry.

It was a fun meet up, no doubt. But I came home emotionally uneasy, as if something was about to bubble up. I thought... Maybe it was because of my unhappiness with my boss / the current company system, but today, I realised I was unhappy because a part of my sense of self was derived from being liked. And that desperation of being liked was derived from a terrible fear that I would be iced out the way I was way back in my childhood / school days.

If we're being completely honest, a part of my anger for my boss also stems from "it takes one to know one." Playing the game, as part of my sense of self, made me a "lalang" type of person too. And maybe it took J to say it to my face, for me to detach myself from the narrative I created so long ago. Genuinely, thank you, J.

J, Q, you and I will be facing many changes to come, as how life is. And that sense of self is very important to ensure we stick our core values and positive belief systems. But when we encounter a negative belief system, like how I did today, I've learnt to mentally give it a hug and say "it's ok, you can go now."

To that lil girl who was ignored by her family and not included by her peers in school, I hope you know that you're actually a very likeable girl. You just hadn't met the right friends yet. You've learnt how to morph into multiple characters to survive the social world, but rest assured, you can let your guard down. You can be you. & that really is enough. You can start to let go of the bitterness and anger. You do not need to play games or win points to get ahead anymore. You can take a break, knowing that genuine connections will draw themselves to you and you to them as you choose to be as genuine as possible. & if you do get hurt or taken advantage of, learn to be a bit more wary but never lose the spark the people closest to you love.

And to all my gentle readers...

I hope you slowly let go of the fear, anger or negative self talk. I hope you give it a mental hug when it bubbles up and let him / her know that yes, it does suck to get hurt but it is much too painful to continue on with life from deep wounds. Let the wound close up, heal and develop into a scar. A scar that reminds you that it does get better and that you are worthy of love, acceptance, joy and all those good things we crave.

This post is for J & Q. Thank you for allowing me the space to be myself thoughout our friendship. Thank you for providing honesty and openness. I love you girls very much.

[yourcreepyneighborhoodelftwink]

As the Hero fell upwards through the sands of time, the days rewinding like the gears of a clock, he landed calmly on the cobblestones of Clock Town Square, at the dawn of the first day. He had been through this many times before, and had grown accustomed to reliving the same 3 days, helping the same people with the same schedules, slowly making more and more progress each time. At least he didn't feel an enormous time crunch, even with the threat of the moon hanging above him, he was always able to rewind the days, and could take days to rest, to sleep or ride Epona or play with the inhabitants.

He rarely did, but it was nice that the option was there.

He was pulled from his thoughts by Tatl getting his attention with a soft tinkling sound, looking over at the stand near the Deku flower, and the note pinned to it.

"That's certainly new…" she said cautiously as they approached, Tatl reading aloud to Link.

The pair exchanged a confused and frightened look. It wasn't signed, but they knew exactly who left the note for them.

BEN sat on the edge of the field, their boots hanging over the barrier where the grass turned into sand, looking out at the canyon leading to the beach. It had been so long since they had entered their game, only playing it from the outside. Perhaps they had been showing too much love to Breath of the Wild lately and not enough to the dark masterpiece of their former prison, or perhaps it was the only world they could enter that felt truly real, where the sun was warm and the wind blew. They HAD become a bit spoiled, learning that adding weather effects and random wind blowing did wonders to immersion when they entered a game.

They closed their eyes, speaking up before looking behind them.

"You didn't have to rush over here. "as possible" doesn't mean "instantly", you know…" BEN said gently, lowering their ears with a guilty smile.

Link frowned softly, keeping his distance from the elf. He couldn't draw his sword AND sign, after all, so he would have to make due. "You didn't specify. I've learned better than to provoke you."

BEN couldn't exactly blame his caution. It's why they were here, after all. "My bad. I'll be more specific next time. But I suppose it's neither here nor there now…"

"...is there something you want, BEN? " Link asked, clearly a bit anxious by being asked to meet.

"...a few things. I won't lie and say there isn't a favor I'd like to ask the both of you-"

"Like you have any right to ask Link for anything, at this point!" Tatl quickly interjected, turning red in anger. "You've terrorized us for no good reason, revealed truths we didn't need to know, and then just left us alone one day!"

"-BUT," BEN continued, "that isn't my main reason for being here. First and foremost... You're long overdue for an apology from me."

Link and Tatl looked at each other in confusion. "...pardon? " Link questioned.

"...I've been doing a lot of thinking and self reflecting lately. Especially because I finally have reason to want to improve myself. And I think I've gotten pretty far in trying to right the wrongs of my past, and try to change as a person. But I still never gave the both of you a proper apology, or even an explanation for how I treated you…" BEN sheepishly said.

Link looked down at the seated person, absolutely dumbfounded. All the times he had been attacked by BEN came instantly into his mind, only to not even be able to so much as scratch them in return, even the might of a Goron doing nothing to them. All the times he had been followed and told he was insignificant, worthless, a joke of a hero, told he was nothing more than a bland, boring conduit for the player of a game in a world far grander than his own. Only for BEN to just... Disappear one day. Gone. Vanish into thin air, and only return occasionally, seemingly at their leisure. Something... Didn't add up to him, and he wasn't sure what on Earth made them suddenly stop tormenting him, and now want to make things right.

"...I'll hear you out, at least," Link finally said, stepping forward to sit next to him. If nothing else, were he going to harm Link, BEN would have done it by now.

"Not that it makes us all hunky-dory yet," Tatl offered, settling on Link's shoulder.

BEN smiled softly, letting out a relieved breath. They stayed quiet for a moment, deciding their words carefully. "I'm not... Sure where to start. So much has happened to me. I guess I should start when we first met. When I first entered this game. It was my favorite game, and with me when I died," they started.

Tatl interrupted, jingling softly. "...when you died?"

BEN nodded softly. "When I died. I was just about your age, Link, about 12. More specifically, when I was murdered. Father simply... Got tired of me, I suppose. He tricked my religion's leader- we refer to him as The Father- into thinking it was my time to Ascend when it wasn't. The whole explanation of my belief system isn't important in this, just that I was robbed of something very important and sacred to me because of it."

"That sounds horrible," Link signed.

"It was... And I was only 12, and not the greatest at understanding or expressing my emotions... I was so angry, absolutely furious at losing that chance, as what had been done to me. I've always had a strong sense of justice, if you can believe it. I don't easily stand for people wronging me. But when I died, my spirit was trapped in this game. All that rage bottled up, with nowhere to release it... Until I started releasing it on you. Very unfairly."

"I'll say," Tatl said, though there wasn't much bite behind her words.

"Eventually, someone played the game, and I was able to break free, find someone else to torment. And after that, start lashing out at everyone who had hurt me, making them

PĄŸ,"

BEN continued, their voice glitching out just a bit at the final word.

"...i moved on to more innocent people after that. I was out of control. To the point where my goddess, Luna, intervened. She stopped me herself, gave me a new body, made me into a young adult so I wouldn't be trapped as a child forever, and I carry the souls of everyone I hurt in my blind sadism, until I join her again one day. And I've worked hard to be a better person now. I've found so much to make my life wonderful, and to make the most of my second chance…" BEN trailed off.

"...but you still want to make amends to everyone you've hurt," Link finished for them.

"...I don't expect you to forgive me. I don't think I can be forgiven. But I really AM sorry for how I treated you. Both of you. Of everyone I've lashed out at, you're the least deserving of it. No matter WHAT'S happened to me, it's NO excuse for how much I've hurt you. And even if you never forgive me, I would love the opportunity to make it up to you…" they finished softly.

"...would you excuse us for a moment?" Tatl asked, flying a slight distance away. Link glanced over at BEN before rising to his feet to follow, and speak with the fairy alone. BEN politely stayed looking forward, allowing them the privacy.

"...do you believe them?" Tatl asked.

"...yeah. They seem genuine," Link admitted.

Tatl nodded softly. "I do, too. There's much simpler ways to trick us or convince us if that was their intention. Even if they said they wanted a favor, this is a lot of lengths to go to for just that…"

"I wonder what they want," the hero mused, glancing over at BEN.

"...maybe ask? Perhaps you can also ask a favor of him, test his sincerity," she said.

"What would that be? " he asked.

"Well, you've said you're curious about his world, whatever it is that our entire world is only a game in, a small part of. Maybe you can ask to explore his world. It'd give you the opportunity to spend more time with him and let him earn your trust, anyway," she offered.

Link nodded softly, then whistled to get BEN's attention. "Alright, BEN, we've talked it over. First, I want to know what favor it is you want…"

"Actually, it's a favor specifically from Tatl," they explained.

"Wait, me?" she questioned.

"...my daughter has watched me play this game a lot. And she's absolutely fallen in LOVE with you, she ADORES seeing you on screen. Her first birthday is in a few months, and there's... Circumstances about my life, and now hers, that will make her very different from other children, with so many secrets to keep. She could really use having a companion by her side, a friend to offer wisdom and company and help when she needs it. A copy of you, like how I copied Epona, to watch over her and make her feel less alone…" BEN said.

"...you have a daughter?" Link asked.

"And a boyfriend. Soon to be husband," BEN explained, holding up their hand to show off their ring.

Tatl let out a soft chime at this. "Well... I'm certainly flattered you think I'd make a good companion to her…"

BEN smiled softly. "I don't expect an answer today, don't worry. There's still a few months before her birthday. And I understand if it's not something you're comfortable with…"

"...we have a proposal for you, in that case," Link began. "You want to make amends to us. We're admittedly curious about this world outside of our own. So, let us explore. Show us your life, and what lies outside this "game", and earn our trust. Then we'll consider it."

BEN thought this over. They'd have to be careful, but this wasn't impossible… "...I can't completely remove you from the game. I'd have to copy you, then merge the copy and your true self after. It's basically the same thing, though, you'd keep the memories and everything. And you'd have to do EXACTLY as I say, I... REALLY can't have attention drawn to myself or the people I live with. If there's something that catches your attention, you can't gawk, just stay calm and ask me. And there's going to be a LOT, the real world is nothing like this one. Hylian sign doesn't match up with any sign language in my world, so you'll at least be able to speak freely. But if you can do that, and trust that I'm keeping us both safe when I tell you to do something... I'll happily show you around."

Link considers this, then nods. He holds out his hand to BEN, who shakes it.

"Then we have a deal."