#I've let so many people go who I genuinely liked because I didnt know how to keep them with me

[greppelheks]

I need to find a way to do the things I used to love doing without them draining me. I miss the person I used to be, but I don't miss how bad I felt when I was that person. But only choosing peace and quiet ain't it. I was just out for dinner with two old friends and I got a glimpse of how my life used to be, and I miss it. Deeply.

[mr-ribbit]

gonna rant again bc im seeing a lot of trans women on my dash having to carry the heavy lifting to argue for their basic respect and a lot of other queer people who want to ??? get mad about that apparently. for the record as usual: im tme, im not speaking for anyone besides myself and my perspectives, but I am trying to reach out to fellow tme people to level with y'all from inside the house.

i thought we all got past the 'calling people gendered terms when theyve asked you to stop' thing in like. 2012. i swear we were allllll on board with not calling women dude anymore, nerfing sir and ma'am, neutralizing collective terms for groups, and all of that was like, during the onceler era. that's how we got off-putting shit like folx into the mix - remember???? why are we here again.

to those who I've seen claiming that they REALLY genuinely don't want to offend anyone, and that theyre trying to understand the dude thing, and they don't want to be seen as transmisogynistic when they aren't: ok. let's talk about it. step one, stop sending that really loaded anon to a trans woman you don't know, and close that in-group hatepost with 100 replies from people name-dropping trans bloggers they don't like. try to open your mind and assume for the duration of this post that I am not cynically trying manipulate thousands of tumblr users into making Bro the next big swear word, but a fellow queer human being who thinks you're all being pretty intentionally obtuse about an upsetting trend in our community

to be clear: this post is about the issue of trans women being called bro, dude, man, etc., particularly in recent tumblr discourse about transmisogyny, and the backlash they face if they get upset about it. this is also maybe moreso about the shitty ass excuses I see tme people make for why they supposedly can't stop doing this.

so let's go through some of the things I've been seeing people say they don't understand, supposedly in earnest, about this issue

"I DIDNT USE DUDE AS A MASCULINE TERM. I CALL EVERYONE BRO. MAN IS A GENDER NEUTRAL TERM"

I'm not actually going to exhaust my list of reasons why dude/bro/man are not strictly neutral, but you should be pretty aware that all words have context. Dude might be seen as neutral in many contexts, sure, but 'woman who is frequently called a man by others' is a situation where the context adds extra meaning to your words, just like calling someone "sweetie" might be neutral in some cases, but if you've got the context of knowing that's your coworker who's half your age, it's a bit less neutral. If you're not capable of reading that context and being tasteful about when you say dude, then you need to at least be ready to respond gracefully when someone asks you to stop. This is the part I'd rather focus on.

"BUT I DIDNT MEAN IT THAT WAY. IM NOT TRANSPHOBIC"

I think you should consider broadening your perspective *beyond* your intention behind the word. people may already understand that you meant the word neutrally and therefore didn't have transmisogynistic intent, but that's not really the entire scope of what people are saying. if that's your only concern, you're just trying to clear your record, not actually listen to what they're saying.

there are lots of words people don't enjoy being called, and in most cases, when they say 'pls don't call me that', people respect that and move on. even if the word isn't a slur, if it hurts someone's feelings, we all as a society have agreed that it's pretty shitty to keep calling them that. if your friend asked you not to call them 'buddy' anymore because their dead grandparent called them that, or something equivalently personal, you'd probably respect that instead of telling them 'but I call everyone buddy!!' right? even if you didn't really understand why it bothered them so much?

there is a prominent tendency for trans women to be denied this privilege, and when they ask not to be called dude or bro, people don't seem to respect this request as much as they would in other situations. when I accidentally use a gendered word and someone tells me they don't like it, I try to respond with something like "my bad, I didn't mean it as misgendering but I can see you were still bothered by it, so I'll try not to keep saying it. sorry!" and most people are willing to accept that. when trans women ask people this favor, a lot of people get VERY defensive, and treat the request as inane or unfair, instead of just apologizing and moving on. this is why people are upset when this happens, and it's why people are calling your actions transmisogynistic

also like you might not be doing this, but a lot of people DO use dude and bro in an intentionally gendered way to make trans women uncomfortable. it's a power play bigots use to talk down to them or otherwise maliciously harass them. do you know what arguments they use to defend that behavior when called out on it? 'oh I call everyone that' 'dude is gender neutral calm down' 'dont overreact its just a word'. by acting like this, youre all just giving credence to those same arguments.

"WELL THEY SHOULDNT GET SO MAD AT ME WHEN I DIDNT MEAN ANY HARM"

they can get as mad as they want!! also, are you sure they're 'mad'? or are they just expressing their feelings about a negative topic to you, and it makes you feel bad, so you have to make them out to be unreasonably emotional? how do you think they should have phrased 'dont call me that' to better spare *your* feelings?

also like, in most cases, these women do not knowww you. if your main response to someone saying you disrespected them is to say "I didnt mean it that way, I meant it in a friendly neutral way", well that's NOT YOUR FRIEND! she has no idea what your opinions are or what you think of her!!! she has no reason to assume you only upset her in a friendly way and not a bad unfriendly way! but she did get upset, and she did the one thing she can do which is *tell you what upset her* and your response is to say "well actually you shouldn't be upset at all"??????

and another thing:

it's not just the issue of using the word 'dude', it's because you're coming off extremely dismissive of women who have asked you to stop doing something that harms them, and because your argument is basically that they just shouldn't be so bothered by it. or that they're stupid, irrational, or otherwise crazy for telling you that it bothered them at all, just because you Technically used a gender neutral word according to Your Rules. be honest, does that seem fair? If people were calling you something that bothered you enough to ask them to stop, and they responded like this, how would it make you feel?

focusing solely on your intent and what the words mean when you use them is the same thing as saying "just get over it". no woman should need to Prove to you that 'dude' is gendered for you to care about what she's saying. the fact that you're asking people to do that sucks and makes you look bad, which is why people are arguing with you and calling you a misogynist.

especially those of you who are only doing this with trans women who are actively arguing with. you're wielding misgendering as a cudgel and we can all see it, grow up please.

[jamiepaige]

Constant Companions Closeup #10: MY DARLING, MY COMPANION

(also on spotify!)

It's the Constant Companions Closeups! A series of in-depth dives into the songs off of my latest album, Constant Companions! Last time, we talked about gender with Object of Affection! Today, we've made it to the title track (kinda?)! My Darling, My Companion! Do you think she's figured out what she wants to hear yet

---

Every time I first embark on the process of making another album, I always think I know what the final product will look like. This is a fairly recent phenomenon, born of the part of me that thinks that planning things out and being somewhat disciplined in the act of creation will ultimately lead to a better final product. That's fair and all, but it's also genuinely never how things actually shake out, as I almost always toss that out the window and just start writing shit the first chance I get.

Constant Companions, however, is the closest I've gotten to actually following through on those initial ambitions. Well, maybe not the initial ambitions - without fail, every time I finish an album, there's a two week period where I start writing new material thinking "this next album's gonna be the MOODY one" and it's never the moody one - but rather the plan I developed once my pile of works-in-progress started looking album-shaped.

There's always been some amount of self-referential leitmotif-loving song-series energy in what I've written - Imaginary, Effervescent and Secret Girlfriend; sampling myself on Too Much Autotune or Second Hello; that little four note motif. I had been leaning even further into it with People Posture Play Pretend and 🤼‍♀️, bringing the little interconnected background radiation straight to the forefront, and I wanted to keep going.

So, I would take that mindset and write about motifs - the things that have stuck with me and gotten me to where I am - the hopes that I've clung to, the dreams I want to make real, the patterns that I keep finding myself in. The things that haunt me and the things that keep me living.

...

My constant companions, if you will.

wait didn't i already do that bit. what was i talking about when i did that

This might be incredibly obvious if you've already read the Closeup for Breeze Blows, but yes, this is another song about being plural.

Like I said previously, writing these self-directed songs portraying internal conversations has been a very big part of finding peace within myself. Having to confront a part of myself both alien and overly familiar with seemingly a mind of her own is, understandably, scary as shit in countless ways! If nothing else, it feels like sometimes I can't even talk about it out loud without sounding completely gone.

But it's made me realize and really think about something I think most people take for granted, something that feels silly to even say out loud given how obvious it is but that has completely changed my relationship with myself - you are always a part of your own life.

The overwhelming, ceaseless negative self-talk I lived with for however many years never went away because it was a part of me, and no amount of compartmentalizing or boxing-up or repression or anything helped even in the slightest compared to the act of showing her kindness and patience, letting her be a genuine part of me, being a friend to her. Doing so revealed to me a happier, more hopeful part of myself I thought I'd lost forever.

Letting yourself be yourself, and loving yourself for who you are, is the best way to be!

or something. that feels so fucking dr seuss of me to say whatever we're corny here we will Be corny

---

The working title of this song was "Hathaway", inspired entirely by my friend Lexie messaging me one morning about a dream in which I had released a song named as such. Naming and writing songs based on dreams is maybe my most beloved bit at this point, but my girlfriend ultimately convinced me to make the title My Darling, My Companion. Mostly because she (correctly) thought it'd be cooler than just a pure title track.

The verses were written by sampling my own previous demo for a title track, turning it into a call-and-response between me and GUMI, and the chorus was lifted almost word-for-word from another demo of mine using Teto. That second demo was partially inspired by the character Morgan from the visual novel Heart of the Woods - which I mostly bring up because it's just a really good yuri VN that is near and dear to my heart. And also because my friend Teffi voices the character Tara in said VN. And also because I recorded my vocals for this song at her house. And also because the voice that says "me when I'm goated as fuck" right before the second verse is in fact Teffi in the recording booth with me. Yuri runs deep in my veins.

Speaking of which, this song, in my mind, is one dedicated to advancing my agenda of GUMI x Teto, albeit subtly and in a roundabout way.

See, GUMI has always been something of an idealized voice in my other work. The songs of mine she sings historically have always been hopeful, upbeat, expressing some sense of comfort - I Wish That I Could Fall maybe being the only exception, and even then still offering some hope in the end.

On the flipside, there's a part in verse two where my voice is swapped out for Teto for a couple lines. I couldn't really tell you what it is, since it's not in terms of timbre or range, but Kasane Teto - her Synth V voicebank especially, but really all iterations of her - is the vocal synth that feels the most like a stand-in for my own voice. And really, writing with her almost seems to bring out parts of myself that are a bit too honest.

These two juxtaposed against each other made perfect sense. It helps that they have The Color Scheme, too.

Finally, this song is basically just one big reference to my song Destiny, from back in 2018, and it even closes out with lyrics based very directly on its closing refrain. I don't have much else to say on that front - but there's another Jamie Paige song this bears some shared DNA with, and a blatant reference to it is hidden in plain sight right as the bridge transitions to the outro.

Do you know what it is?

That's the post! If you have any questions, feel free to send them my way - I'm planning on doing a big AMA style bonus post after the album's finished!!

Speaking of which, tomorrow, we'll be talking about the eleventh and final track on the album - a simple little song about a computer falling in love... :~)

[andhumanslovedstories]

Hi Sarah (or Sara? I remember you discussing the h but don't remember which way it's spelled). I hope you're doing well on your break and enjoying September. I have a question - how much schooling did you have to do to become a nurse? I'm considering becoming an elementary school teacher in Norway, which would require me to go back to school for 5 (additional) years. Seems like a long fucking time and i didnt do great the first run tbh. It would be free though. Investment in the future seems like it could pay off, so i guess im looking for inspiration from other ppl who have perhaps made a similar plunge

Hi, anon! I wish I could give you some straight up inspo. Instead, I navel-gazed for a while. Schooling-wise, I already had a (completely unrelated) bachelor's degree so I was able to do an accelerated nursing program after two semesters of community college doing the prereqs. I did struggle in nursing school. College has always been brutal on my mental health and nursing is a hard pivot from my original degree (double major history and english w a concentration in creative writing) (you cannot imagine how many books I read and essays I wrote). It took a little over two years in total.

You don't have to don't have to worry about student debt which is so so wonderful. I didn't have to either, and that's let me be way more adventurous with my life choices. The cost of your education would just ("just") be your time, energy, and the potential money that you could earn by focusing on work instead. I had to stick around in my hometown instead of going traveling with Cyrus. I worked a lot fewer hours than I would if I'd not been in school. I had to miss the live airing of the Jesus Christ Superstar on NBC in order to study for an anatomy test which was genuinely so distressing to me. 2018 was a hell of a year for me. (I aced that test btw. It was such an improvement over my previous test my teacher emailed me a congratulations note with twelve exclamation points.)

All of this while people were constantly talking about how shitty it is to be a nurse and how so many of them leave the field within six months. (Similar to teaching in that way, at least in America.) I was doing work I didn't enjoy for a job I might not stick with. There were a lot of times I resented nursing school for interfering with my life.

I'm still very glad I did it. My degree gave me a lot. On the very practical side, my degree has given me more financial freedom and a much higher earning potential. On the idealistic level, my degree has enabled me to do work that I find meaningful. The work touches a lot of things that I find interesting. My nursing degree has benefited my life, regardless of if I stay in nursing for the rest of my career or move on to something new. I didn't like getting my degree, but I don't regret that I got it.

Maybe it'll go way easier for you, maybe it won't be worth it. When I thought about becoming a nurse, it felt like my life plan clicked into place because it ticked every single need I had for a job. I didn't know if it would work out, but the rewards outweighed the risks. More than that, it was the first plan I had for my future that made me excited. I liked the life I pictured if I was a nurse. I've found that excitement to be rare and precious. If teaching gives you that, I'd strongly consider pursuing it.

Besides, you can always use my last-line defense against school despair: being like "fuck it I'm gonna drop out after this semester" and then keep not doing that. You can bail on stuff! It's rad.

[daraku-ou]

ok ok i wanna talk about this at length and not on twitter where i can say like three sentences but i think a lot about how femt will sit around and say how humanity is just awful and disgusting but theres SO many times he seems to be rooting for them. like here how he Let Leo Go. he just let him leave. "he said he didnt wanna play so yknow. He Left." and he yells about how Of Course Hes Not Gonna Kill Leo. leo was so important to stopping the second collapse and femt just let him leave and then when he explained this to despair who is like Dude Why Didnt You Kill Him Or Leave Him There femt seems to be pretty genuinely concerned about despairs wellbeing and. general depression.

then there's in the ova where it's most obvious. hes running around trying to stop this restaurant from being destroyed which Just So Happens to have libra in it. tells leo to forget he was ever there. "i dont need a reason to help them out" femt i am shaking u

and THEN !!! theres curious. curious is fascinating to me for several reasons but i think its really interesting that femt seemingly shows up for no other reason than to Get Curious. wants to take him home for whatever reasons (i have thoughts on this but its too much so maybe another post). but then they immediately start fighting and it really seems like femt is just trying to keep curious preoccupied, buying time for libra to do something. he doesn't really have any reason to get into a petty fight with curious. then when curious is about to attack steven and klaus, femt IMMEDIATELY gets eve and odd to attack him which leaves them in pieces, ultimately ending up letting steven klaus and chain get the upper hand. and then femt just Leaves.

AND THE CALAMITY AUCTION !!! my favorite femt scene. pretends to be the president to break klaus out of jail as hes the only one who can really do anything about whats going on. and later when hes revealed to be the "president" klaus is surprised that someone like femt would even bother to get involved, cuz why WOULD he get involved?? hes constantly saying how worthless humanity is but here he is, actively trying to help. this pisses femt off who attacks briefly but just. Leaves. Again. destroys all the cameras in the room too. god forbid he be seen trying to help out a bad situation

which brings me to the light novel!! as i've said i've been translating it and theres a lot of interesting things. femt talks about how he feels extremely isolated from humanity and when people try to get information from him he just cant understand why they would ever want to be him or have what he has, cuz he clearly has..... Lots Of Issues! it's almost like he's so worried about what will happen to humanity if he isn't there to save them or on the other side of that he has to keep. testing humanity or something. he puts them through his games but even libra admits that theres a line he wont cross. they prefer to deal with him over Other Threats because while hes mass murdering lunatic he still wont. you know. Kill Everyone. unlike curious. i think femt and curious are being set up as foils and i have lots of thoughts on this but theres just too much to say about those two...

tldr i think femt cares a lot more about those around him than he would ever let anyone know. yeah he'll murder hundreds of people but the second hes faced with someone in person that he cant just pretend is part of this vague crude idea of humanity he has in his head its like something clicks in his brain that this is a Real Person and now he suddenly cares. he seems to have this recurring idea of humanity killing themselves or being unable to save themselves which leads him to Extreme Violence and when he helps its like he doesnt want to admit that he cares in some way. hes constantly distancing himself from everyone and i think he should go to therapy <3

[spectrumgarden]

Okay so I've never really joined the whole "small talk" argument that's been happening increasingly over the last years because I tend to just not agree with anyone I see discuss it. Like no I dont think people who use it are evil or making things hard on purpose, I also dont think it makes them lesser, ... I Also dont think that someone who refuses to use it / cant use it is automatically worse and will not make friends.

Importantly i also dont think everyone can learn it. I should know because I spent multiple years with professionals trying to teach me how to have a conversation At All and I still am actually nowhere near what would be expected at my age group. (Most recent reports usually go something like "makes slight improvements in having a two sided conversation" - because I can say nothing, or I can ramble on and then not react to your answer. The rest? Struggle time, to this day, in every aspect) No matter how many intricate guides you write, if I fail at the basic concept of a conversational structure very frequently then I will not succeed at small talk either. And additionally I also genuinely can not tell what might be too personal for this other person.

A lot of these people who get upset when people say "I cant do small talk because I'm autistic and I cant learn it, I tried and failed" and go "of course you can!", just sort of like. Ignore that a lot of the developmental delay in conversation and / or (nonverbal) language never closes up for many of us, the way a lot of us generally never reach the developmental level of our peers (in some areas). and it's not because we have not seen enough complex flow charts or not practiced enough. when so many of us literally spend so much additional time of our youth sitting in front of whiteboards and workbooks and such, being explained over and over how to talk to someone at all. I am 22 and after years of explicit teaching I still have to ask for verbal confirmation and explanation of any nonverbal cues that I think were used by my conversational partner, but do not know what they mean. Which is pretty much all of them. And I probably miss a lot of them existing at all. You can scream "just practice until you can recognize the other persons little cues on if they want to deepen or end this" until you turn blue but it will not actually make me accomplish it if the fucking people who've been spending their whole life teaching it didnt make me figure it out. On account of, you know, the developmental delay.

Sure some people can learn! That's why they try to teach us after all! Cause it has been successful! But generally stop with this shit of "everyone can learn this you're just choosing not to!"

I will never be rude to someone for engaging in small talk, I will obviously fail at their attempts to engage me in some, which usually makes them stop trying (thank god). But I will not tolerate others talking shit about it that is uncalled for (implying malice from every user, making fun of people who seem to crave it, ...).

But I also do not care to learn it anymore at this point? It's no goal of mine. I have made multiple friends, most non autistic, without ever using small talk. Including in adulthood. We simply skipped that stage. We went from "hi!" "Hi!" Immediately to "heres when it went wrong in my life (humorous but still often dark / personal). Also these are my political opinions. Sure I want to hear about the girl you dated for years in excruciating detail. Let me retell you the plot of this old indie movie you will never watch for 20 minutes and why I enjoy it. Let's go to a concert together after talking slightly in depth like this twice". Is this the way that you creep everyone out in everyone's friendship acquisition theory I've been seeing? Sure! It's been working perfectly fine, enough of the times for me, though.

Will this work in like a work environment or something? Most likely not, which is why I generally plan to keep to myself. Does this mean I still confuse every stranger who approaches me trying to small talk? Sure. that's why I'm still fucking disabled. But I have created meaningful relationships as an adult without small talk. I have genuinely tried learning in many ways and failed. And I'm done apologizing for that, either you take me with my inability to small talk or you wont.

[studioboner]

ur art iz soso cute and pretty!! do you have any tipz for when working with watercolor(or paint in general)?

Sure!

Dont bother buying expensive materials if youre just starting, cheap or intermediate stuff is more than enough to start off and decide if you really like it and want to continue. Plus some mro expensive materials are harder to use if you dont have practice. I would never recommend a natural hair brush for a begginer watercolorist Those videos about essentials skills to have, or most common mistakes made CAN help, dont let them limit how you experiment with watercolors though, there are no rules. Those are usually tips given to make it easier to do a technic the most common way. You're free to try different paths Aim for an in-between level of "too easy, i can do this" and "too hard thats not on my skill yet". You have to find a middle ground to do it because that's what help keep people interested. If you only paint the very easy watercolor tutorials you see, theres a chance you'll grow bored and tired of it as it has become "too easy". Doesnt have to be every time of course, but it helps alot to not grow bored. It'll take a while to get used to watercolors, even if you know of many technics, practicing them and knowing how they will turn out by experience is another story. Don't feel bad if something didnt go the way you expected, you can always try the oppossite next time and see how that goes.

Copy Master's works, this doesnt have to be just dead masters, living ones too! Copying is a genuine good way of studying. As long as you dont claim them to be yours and give them proper credit, it's not plagiarism. It doesn't hurt to ask though, specially if the artist you are going to be copying to learn is not a big name. In my experience though the artists i've asked if i could copy to study tehir work they had been flattered that i'd want to do that. Theres no need to ask for some big name tho just credit lol, like for example doing watercolor studies of studio ghibli's storyboards..... that's a good one btw! their storyboards are pretty and have GOOD colors but still are super simple! Usually just one layer of paint, minimal wet in wet shading or glazing.

Share Your Works, i know specially for begginers this one can be scary to do, but i promise you that the number of fellow begginers who will feel encouraged by you posting is a great number. And experienced artists who are GOOD people would never look down on a begginer. Rather than "man they cant draw lol" it'll be a sentiment of "i remember when my skills were a similar level! i hope this new artists has a fun time with art :D" Sharing your works and getting feedback and building a small community with other artists or even some fans is a massive encouragement ! [it's not everything of course but it's nice to be appreciated] Uh mind you, this step might take a long while. i've been posting art for nearly 10 years and it took me maybe 8 or so years of posting for something of mine to get more than 70 notes or so. [70 notes is already alot tho! wohhoo!

[pseudowho]

hihi haitch, i’m the anon who asked about studying your writing style …four days ago now? 🖤

writing was going good, a little over 2k words, and i had to stop since i had work in the morning. after that, i got really nervous out of nowhere that either:

a. it wasn’t at all like haitch’s writing and i am actually a giant fraud who should have a wanted poster for even trying

b. the classic issue where its good in my head, and then! i start writing it.

am i crazy? how many times do you look over or edit what you write before you post it? are there any tips you might have or if you could simply say ‘it’s just anxiety, you’re literally fine. just write for the sake of writing.’ ugh. i feel like a wet rag in need of being rung out. backhand me across the face and shout at me to pull it together, if you would feel so inclined.

ps. about your response, i was aware as i was writing the question that you don’t own a writing style, i just didnt want to add more to an already long ask for a fairly simple question. i think it was more a respect thing, i guess? but i appreciate it greatly. that, and the tenth-of-a-percentage chance you said ‘no! only i may write like this! mwahahahha! 🪿’ very realistic anxieties, i know, thank you, i worked really hard on them.

pps. the idea of sending you my writing after it was finished initially made me, for lack of better words, want to shit my pants at the idea. i imagined if you didnt like it, and had to come to terms with the fact that, at the end of the day - and i say this with all of the love and respect and admiration i can summon - you are just another person, and ill probably be fine. so, yeah, ill try to get that in your inbox whenever it gets finished. if it does. so… i hope you weren’t expecting it soon! god, im not even to the good stuff (🌶️) yet.

thank you for your time, this is probably gibberish, my anxiety is usually much more well-behaved i swear. ok, i hope you are doing well, i will try not to send another ask until its done. bye now! 🖤

When I said I don't own a writing style, I didn't mean it in a dismissive way-- really, it was a self-deprecating, encouraging way. I really promise you, I'm absolutely fine with this, flattered even.

a) it's okay if it's not an exact style imitation. In fact, it's better-- your own character will come through in it.

b) I proofread once, then post. I don't 'edit' really. I wrote directly into Tumblr drafts.

My writing is straight off the cuff and most of the time I have a couple of solid plot points planned, and everything else occurs spontaneously around it. I am aware I don't write like many other writers. Trying to copy my writing process as well will likely prove to be unfruitful, because I've become aware in the past year on here that my writing style is something of an oddity.

I also really am just another person. I also find it distinctly strange that so many people message me for writing advice when I've only been writing for a year myself! I feel bad, because I know how I write...but I don't feel particularly qualified to tell other people how to write.

Send me as many Asks as you like, genuinely.

Don't hyperfocus on copying my style. I assure you, I didn't know I had a style. I just write. Most of the time I can't remember exactly what I wrote. I just...write.

You have to allow a natural flow to develop, or your writing will feel clunky. If it starts to flow, and you're not even looking at my work...GOOD! Let that flow happen. Don't stop to go "AAHHHH! WHAT IF IT ISN'T LIKE HAITCH'S WRITING?!" because that's a fool's errand.

I believe in you, Anon!!

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[theambitiouswoman]

Hi, I hope you're having a wonderful day 💌 I've been struggling for a while. My closest friend (really, she was like a sister to me and not really a cousin) just hurt me badly by falsely accusing me of something that I didnt do and ganging up on me with the rest of our friends in our little group. I was accused of doing many things that I didn't do and even when I gave my evidence that I genuinely didn't do anything, they still wouldn't believe me. In actuality, it was just the consequences of their actions coming up to bite them and they have no one else to put it on but the person who's been pulling away from the group because they felt left out (me). This happened recently and I've been trying to move on and forgive all of them for what they wrongly accused me of doing and the ugly stuff they said afterwards, but it's tearing me apart how someone who I was so close with from childhood would betray me and abandon me for someone they started getting close to only a few months ago. I've always kept people at a distance for most of my life, but I finally started opening up last year and even more this hear (after being hurt by many), this happens.

I guess, my question is, how do I move on from feeling hurt and betrayed by a close friend? How do I properly forgive them?

Betrayal can be very painful, especially when it comes from someone you trust and care about.

Give yourself time to heal and process your emotions.

You can try writing a letter to the person who betrayed you. Writing a letter is therapeutic because it allows you to express your feelings without interruption.

It’s important to try to understand exactly what it is that you feel upset about. The more specific you can be about what you’re feeling, the easier it will be for you to work through those feelings.

When you’re ready, you can talk to your friend about how they hurt you. Stay composed while you explain how they hurt you and let your friend give a viable explanation and listen. Avoid arguing, but be assertive with your point of view.

Forgiveness is not about forgetting what happened or excusing the behavior of the person who hurt you. It’s about letting go of anger and resentment so that you can move on with your life.

Remember that life is a growing experience.

We can’t shield ourselves from experiences out of fear of getting hurt because we won’t know how to navigate situations when they arise. You will have new friends, and you will lose friends. You deserve good friendships. But you need to use discernment when making new friends and learning who to trust.

Figure out what type of values and characteristics you are looking for in a friend. But always remember that you can’t look for another “you” in others. Everyone is different and disagreements are normal in relationships/friendships.

If the relationship is important you guys will overcome it. Maybe you won’t, but it’s okay. Because you allowed yourself to let someone in and that’s huge!

Life is funny and just because you may outgrow someone one day, doesn’t mean that your paths won’t intertwine at another point. You will also meet loads of new people who are aligned with the version of you that exists at all points in your life. At all the versions that will exist of you 💗

[x-authorship-x]

What would Shisui x Zabuza look like to you?

Hey Anon~

It looks like a damn good time to me 😂

There's four fics, I think, on this pairing on AO3 and I've probably read all of them...? It's been a while

Tbh, if people are interested, I might do one of those "rank character" thingies and post it here because then you'd all see that Zabuza is very high up my list. I have a great love for him with Kisame, too. Who am I kidding, I'll ship almost anyone if it's good 😂

Anyway!

Zabuza:

He's loyal 😤 this man loves his village so much that he's attempting a coup to yank it back onto course, he literally made a political statement as a kiddo by massacring his class (which is like, the innocents? But also hardcore)

Rocking single dadhood, he's so gruff and yet cares deeply (idgaf about canon dialogue let me have this), Haku and Itachi were BORN to be conjoined at the hip (it's genuinely a wonder that Sasuke didn't have an aneurysm from the similarities of personality to pre-massacre Itachi)

How the fuck does he hold that sword??? His back must be insane and Kishi just didnt have the time to render it properly. Imagine Shisui running up the sword in Shunshin? Excellent 👏

He is willing to do anything for his beliefs. Shisui has met his match. Also, Zabuza has an extremely hard won loyalty but when you have it? He will KILL you if you die on him, Shisui deserves this ❤️‍🔥

Shisui would probably meet them on a job, maybe Zabuza is really hard done by when Haku is younger because he can't contribute to income/fighting and Zabuza is distracted with protecting him (possibly impacting Haku's determination to be a useful weapon) and Shisui Shunshins into the fight. Zabuza has this moment of "oh shit a leaf brat" and then that immediately turns into "oh shit THAT leaf brat" because maybe Ao already has a Shisui-grudge. Shisui is breathtakingly fast, he absolutely slaughters the enemy, and Zabuza is like fuck okay Haku you run with the money and get as far from here as you can, he knows that if he doesn't kill Shisui then there's no way Haku can evade him.

Shisui, who is the favoured Uchiha both with babysitting and outside of the Clan, catches Haku very gently. Figures out what's going on. Has Zabuza considered joining or subcontracting to Konoha? Zabuza will do anything for Kiri, even working with her enemy because the current Kiri isn't the one he's concerned about but the Kiri that will come after... Voila! You have Haku being aggravatingly (to Zabuza, Shisui is loving this) starry eyed over Shisui's speed, Zabuza is reluctantly impressed with him, and Shisui is... Well. Enamoured. He doesnt know many men who would tear down the system just to lovingly reforge it afresh. Makes him want to do the same with Konoha... But no, surely not~

A great ship, Anon!

[foxoftheninetails]

Its kind of pitiful. I stay up late at night and watch relaxing stuff on youtube and let my brain unplug. And I get feedback.

For the first time in my life I'm realizing just how fucked up I am. I'm terrified my friends will abandon me, because its happened before. I feel like every question I ask of anyone is burdensome.

I'm perfectly capable of making decisions, but if its not for work I need to check with someone. What food to make, when to go to sleep, whether or not I should take my meds, what I should do every day.

If left to my own devices I feel like I would sit on the couch until I rot.

I hate that this kind of stuff strikes me at 4 in the morning, because it always feels like loneliness and guilt.

I've had so many people be so kind to me, I've had Kenna tell me completely unprompted I'm a good friend. Hell, my friends have told me. And I always feel like a burden, like I'm not enough, not doing enough. Not talking enough, not checking in enough.

I want to do things for my friends, not out of guilt. I am getting better, but there's still guilt there too.

The one thing I'm genuinely happy for with this whole situation is that I do have the time to think about this, to try to process my life. For the first time ever I am unmasking. Because I used to mask for 24 hours a day and not even know. I would lay in bed and wonder why I always felt "on", even when I was relaxing at home. It was because I didnt know I was masking full time.

I hate the anxiety attacks, the discomfort and fear. But I am so thankful that I get to feel something for the first time in I dont even know how long. I'm thankful I still can feel something. I dont have to be cold and withdrawn. It's still terrifying when I have the anxiety attack, but its also exhilarating. It feels like progress.

For my friends who read this, this is why I apologize 400 times when we talk, why I always ask for even the smallest thing as if it were earth shattering, why I cannot stop thanking you when you do things for me. Because I'm so surprised that anyone would make time for me, would do things for me that dont involve money.

I need that kind of kindness and affection in my life. I'm so starved for familial love that when I do find someone I get along with, that takes time out of their day for me, I become voraciously, aggressively protective and affectionate. But that same loyalty and affection can scare people off. So I still feel like I'm hiding who I really am.

Clearly, this is a jumbled mess. But I had to just word vomit for a bit. And Twitter has a character limit.

[itztlislost]

i quit my retail job

hey y'all, it has been months since I've been active. the last time i reposted something, tumblr immediately terminated my account. I was able to get it back after emailing customer service, which they apologized that it even happen because they don't even know why it happened. weird, but whatever.

anyways, I was inactive because my mental health was my priority. I cut of friends, stopped doing the things I liked and much more just to maintain a baseline of 'ok', which wasn't great considering my only interaction was people at my job of a cashier at a grocery store.

I ended up quitting when the workplace took a turn for the worst, both coworkers and management becoming toxic and I only had one work friend who kept their head on straight. I'm not going to say we never did anything wrong and that it was everyone else being assholes, that isnt true and I don't believe it was anyone but managements fault.

I'm not really sure what caused for this shift to happen, I was too focused on my own problems at the time before i eventually noticed. basically, everyone was in a bad mood, constantly. we all had problems with everyone and each other, we all wanted things and refused to compromise without complaints. The holiday season ended, hours were cut along with all this and management decided to play favorites. white employees got to keep their hours while the rest of us didn't even get the bare minimum of 20 hours, even if we were apart of the union. I know the managers have favorites, we all do, but they suddenly didn't care about being fair.

I was already fighting a losing battle with hr, all the while I was working 10 hour shifts three days into being of my 300ml Effexor and suffering the worst of my withdrawals at the customer service desk. I finally had a breakdown and meltdown, so bad I woke the next morning unable to speak or open my eyes because of the hours long of me screaming and sobbing the night before. do to how bad I was suffering, I called out sick and included all this information which i did not have to and shouldnt have. I genuinely care about my co workers and managers, I didnt want them to think I was faking being sick and I wanted them to know I had stuck it out for as long as I could all things considered. Instead of understanding, I got a huff in reply a dry 'are you sure? fine, ok'.

after that call I proceeded to spend the rest of the day and my days off screaming and crying while I waited for my doctor to fix whatever mistake set this off. that being said, it made me realize how little my work place cared. I built so many friendships with everyone at work that I tricked myself into thinking that this location and management could be any different than corporate or any other chain. Next day, I put in my two weeks and went to stay with my fiance while I got back on my meds.

I'm doing better now and figuring out a better path since I refuse to go back to working retail. the customers were actually the best part of the job imo, good and bad interactions alike. so yeah this was mainly a vent and also just a reminder to myself every time I come back here to remember how horrible that experience was. but hey, let it be a cautionary tale too i guess. Take your meds, call and make sure they get refilled a week or two before you're out bc trust me you may think they'll refill it fast but don't risk it. also retail sucks major doo doo, quit on the spot once you see any red flags. you're disposable to them, make them disposable to you.

[lillllbabygirl]

i just really can't take this anymore. any of it. i'm like. done. i am just done. and i am tired. i am so fucking tired. i have this constant headache. i'm fighting so fucking hard no body has any fucking idea how hard i am fighting just to keep fighting, and i am so fucking tired, i am truly just so fucking tired, i can barely take it anymore. i just don't know what to do anymore. i truly can't live a life like this. i can however so 100x better, but no ones given me the chance, nothing's giving me the chance, nothing is letting up. off of my fucking back, and i can't carry all this shit alone anymore. i want forward, but everything's BELIEVE ME, everything's bringing me back, and i can't take it anymore, i really... just can't. i'm the strongest, toughest, most unforgivably hopeful and driven, and solution seeking person i know, and have ever known by far. i truly truly fucking care when i say i care i mean that at least 10x more than you hear it, and i am so tired i can't even have room for my own thoughts anymore, i don't feel like me, i feel fucking used and disgusted with myself and the person that lays here right now, and everyday, is nothing but me, and nothing of a lack of trying and caring and trying to be just as genuinely me as any other fucking day since day 1, since the start. but there are so many days that go by now where i am completely stepped on, and disregarded, and left out of everything that seems like normal and functioning, and social, and just existing, and i'm truly, GOD, I AM TRULY SO FUCKING TIRED OF IT. i just want to be a person and idk why that seems so difficult to me because i have never stopped trying with every inch of me, and i just don't get why i am going no where. i've tried DETACHING, IVE TRIED EVERYTHING AND NOTHING MY POINT IS, I KNOW NO BODY IS GOING TO SAVE ME BUT ME BUT I DIDNT EVEN FUCK MYSELF IN THE FIRST PLACE AND I DIDNT FILL MY PLATE UP LIKE THIS I DIDNT MAKE THE STUPID DECISIONS THAT OTHER PEOPLE MADE FOR ME AND FUCKED ME SO SEVERELY AND ITS TRULY THE SADDEST THING TO SEE MYSELF LIKE THIS BECAUSE I AM REALLY STRUGGLING AND SUFFERING AND FOR SOMEONE WHO HAS NOT EVER STOPPED DOING THAT I KNOW YOU CANT IMAGINE WHAT ITS LIKE FOR ME BECAUSE EVERYBODY I KNOW AT SOME POINT HAS HAD A FUCKING BREAK BUT MY INCREDIBLE AND MOVING AND UNBELIEVABLY RESILIENT STORY AND IMMOVABLE SELF IS SO FUCKING TIRED LORD GOD SOMEBODY JUST READ THIS AND KNOW THAT I AM SO FUCKING TIRED AND TRULY FEEL ME AND EMPATHIZE WITH ME PLEASE BECAUSE THIS SHIT IS LONELY AND I DONT NEED ATTENTION I NEED FUCKING HELP AND IM DONE WITH JUST OF GETTING STARTED ASKING AND IM DONE PUSHING SO HARD TIRELESSLY AT THESE WALLS CLOSING IN ON ME AND IM DONE SELF LOATHING AND IM DONE SELF PITYING AND CRYING AND CLIMBING BUT REALLY JUST CLAWING AT THESE WALLS FOR A WAY UP OUT OF THIS FUCKING HOLE THAT NO BODY SEES AND IM SO TIRED OF BEING SO FUCKING SEEMINGLY OPEN AND HAPPY AND OKAY AND FORGIVING AND UNDERSTANDING AND TOLERANT AND FUNCTIONING AND SEEMING LIKE I AM SURVIVING ALL THIS BULLSHIT BECAUSE IM REALLY REALLY REALLY JUST FUCKING NOT I AM AN AMAZING SMART TALENTED PERSON BUT ALL THOSE ADJECTIVES MEAN NOTHING WHEN THIS IS WHAT I LIVE WITH THESE FUCKING HUGE ASS WALLS WHILE EVERYTHING SEEMS OUT IN THE OPEN AND GOOD AND OKAY AND ITS REALLY JUST NOT! ITS NOT OKAY? I AM NOT OKAY AND I HAVENT EVER BEEN okay OR good, AND THATS ALWAYS THE FUCKING ANSWER YOUVE HEARD FROM ME BECAUSE ITS AUTOMATIC BUT TO BE REAL WITH YOU I HAVEN'T EVER MET SOMEBODY WITH WALLS AS BIG AS MINE AND IS STILL SURVIVING DOWN HERE WHILE STARVING ITS NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE AND THIS STRES IS KILLING ME AND I DONT CARE WHAT ANYBODY SAYS. I DONT CARE. I AM TIRED. I AM AWAKE. THERES NO DIFFERENCE, IN THE START AND FINISH OF THE DAY TO ME IM THIS TIRED CONTINUOUSLY, IM THIS HURT ALL THE FUCKING TIME AND IM SO SORE AND I FEEL SO FUCKING FULL OF SHIT FOR TRYING TO BE OKAY ALLLLLL THIS MOTHER FUCKING TIME WHEN I DONT EVEN HAVE A SENSE OF FUCKING TIME SO WHATS THE POINT IN SPENDING IT IN THE FIRST PLACE? EVERYTHING IVE WANTED FEELS LIKE ITS GONE TO ME AND EVERYTHING

I AM FEELS LIKE IT WEARING AWAY. AND FOR GODS SAKE I AM SO FUCKING TIRED.

but today, just like any other day, i go to sleep feeling sleepless and wakeless at the same time, and ready for the end of the day to start at the beginning again. and somebody not to hear me whining about how i truly feel, because i'd rather secretly wither away, than stare sympathy in the face of the people i just want to say, they're proud of me, and for me to really agree and feel that way because of the accomplishments i've made. no more sitting in place, begging for a damn thing, but providing things to show how i truly feel and who i am today is something to be mattered with. idek if thats a fucking word, but fuck it, means something, i'm too tired anyway, i've said, and done enough now. no this is not a suicide letter, how could i kill myself, when i'm already otw. anyways. fuck this. shit. goodnight/goodmorning. & welcome to my world, & a little time incomprehensible piece of my head. you're welcome. :) congratulations.

[chronically-undertronic]

scuse my weirdass rambles, i swear i have just put this place under a microscope /j. so many observations to be made lmao

listen, i was just scrolling through the undertronic tags for nostalgia and some writing ideas (there was one (1) fic on ao3, yaboi wouldn't be takin that). i didnt actually know there was even anything on there, i had never checked before. and honestly, seeing everything that had been posted onto there was a trainwreck of emotion. it was like scrolling through messages of a group of friend's chat and reminiscing memories, except they're not mine and i was never there. it's such a vivid feeling of absolute belonging to a place i was never present in, yaknow?

and then i saw y'all and couldn't stop thinking about it for days. the carrd caught my eye first because a) bro that's just a straight up sickass carrd holy shit and b) undertronic content?? in the wild?? lets go babey!! and then i looked into it more and just. man, i dont know what emotion it was, probably like all of the above. 'cause holy shit, i didn't know there were more people like me out there!! i thought we were the only system who had undertronic headmates that existed for years!! it didn't even cross my mind that it was possible for more to be out there. so reading through old pluralkit discord screenshots and posted conversations was like looking at something i had always longed for.

you guys looked like you were happy in those chats.

you didnt have to hide in those moments. i wanted to reach out and reply and laugh alongside the ghosts of these four year old conversations and say "i get it, i understand this, we've lived it too," because i've never talked with someone who had a chance of returning the sentiment to its full extent. man, it was like lookin in a mirror of what i wanted to see. and i know i'm crazy 'cause again, i wasn't there. you could argue i'm still not 'here', hiding behind signatures and pseudonym accounts.

i got what i came for, though. i have my never-ending nostalgia and a pile of fics to write. i just think that the inspiration doesn't come from the ideas i saw being laid out, but the people who did so and the inherent beauty of learning it the way i did.

anyway. again, pardon my over-analytical rambles. wanna go grab a cup of tea and bitch about life some time?

-💜💚

I feel the groupchat / belonging thing bcs that's how I feel when I look at old homestuck content (I didn't get into it until 2016, when it yk, ended)

Also oh my god *points* listen

Listen

We genuinely have like the whole cast of UT in our head because it's one of our spinterests (the other being aphmau ofc) so the fact that you also have UT headmates is so???? /pos I feel seen I feel less alone we get each other we shake hands

Ik it would take away the safeness of being anon but now I'm thinking of how fun it'd be to make a UT themed syscord server hrmm

Anyways I'm in tears anon /pos I would love to grab tea and bitch (as long as it's iced tea sorry im southern I don't drink it hot /j)

[bronzebtch]

nervous energy ft. personal issues (warning: long af) under read. but really im fine! just nervous <3333

so actually. for those who dont know, i'm 25 right? and im asian. there is some cultural context in there but im not gonna elaborate. but like, in december 2022, i was on this job — i was an assistant producer for a documentary company — and i... long story short: i really did love the people we interviewed, the places we've been, and the crew i was working with. but at the same time, the very person who was from my company (cause we outsourced most of our crew) really.... sorta really did me wrong. and ah!! im crying again writing this a little haha. but like, what i got away after quitting the job was that i was .... just this horrible fucking co-worker.

and the thing is, i know i did good. i know i did the best i could with what's given. like i was on my ass everyday arranging the people / the places we're meeting (bc we're dealing with a lot of academics and historians and museum curators etc), making sure the documents are settled and prepared, and having to be on top of the crews' general health whilst making sure we were wrapping on time so we can get to our next location. like!!! i really wanna believe i did well. but i also know i made some mistakes bc the miscommunication between me and my co-worker was so, so bad. and it just.... it left me so scarred.

and i kept thinking, you know. it's me. if i wasn't such a bitch, maybe this wouldn't have happened. but i also know logically its just honestly horrible miscommunication, and it was both our first experience on a back-to-back travelling documentary (hes like,,, 35+ male btw). and my co-worker and i did sit down and talked it through, but i still.... i left that meeting for some reason, like. not the same. like idk how to say it. i got home, and i had one of the most awful breakdown i've ever had. (like, to the point i got nervous trying to pick out a shirt to wear bc i didnt know how to dress myself.)

long story short, ever since i quit my job (ive been unemployed since jan 2023), i have not touched my computer for almost two months. i was so genuinely scared of it. making rhea in late february i think was like, the first courage i had to open up my laptop, and i'm so happy i did, and i'm so happy the friends i did gather here were welcoming as hell. you guys will have no idea how much everyday you guys encouraged me to do something else besides just.. mourning for my fate. i got motivation again to create because i'm writing with many of you. but the thing is... i've been trying to apply for jobs but i cannot do it. i can't. i can't open my email. i can't open my whatsapp. it terrifies me!!! and i don't know what to do, because i want to have a job, i want to keep moving forward, i don't want to always be afraid, but i am!!!!! i am!!! and im so sick of it!!!!

i want my parents to be proud of me again!!!! i had so much potential and i was so smart and i was so bright, i graduated with honours and 3.8 CGPA, and now what am i!!!! im none of those things!!!!! i feel like all i am are my mistakes!!!! and im so frustrated!!!!! and i want to get my shit together so i can provide for my sister and i can go out and eat with my friends!!!! but my god, even waking up sometimes is so, so hard. anyways .... i know this is long, but - if you're wondering why i'm slow atm, this is why! bc im rlly hoping i'll get a job by april :(( i'm okay though. i just. i need to let this out somewhere.

thank u for reading. rant is over :')

[kimmkitsuragi]

okay my comments:

firstly FUCK MIZORA i really thought this would be a more important moment....... and we couldnt even save wyll's father lmao really a flop mission for wyll, but at least i dont feel too guilty for not having him w me 😭 i didnt knowwww you cant go to camp after that point lmao

i hope mol is alive, and where tf did zevlor go????? i saved him and now he's not at moonrise...

ketheric thorm is SUCH a great villain damn!!!!!!!! the voice acting obv adds a lot but his backstory and relationship with isobel and aylin is soooooo fun

also, i totally understand now why u guys are crazy over enver gortash LMAO he looks like such a fun character :) i really enjoyed him in that cut scene

gale did NOT blow himself up yayyyy and after the fight, he wanted to talk. so i assumed he wanted to talk about This. but nooooo he was like i have PLANS i have ideas let's get this incredibly powerful thing and learn how to control it- 💀 i mean... my bro is going thru a manic episode after nearly killing himself fr... and bro like... we literally just went thru 2 boss fights back to back we were nearly dying.... WE KILLED A GOD.... chill for a minute please (said endearingly btw he's the funniest character for doing all that)

talking about gods, my party is now enemies with 3 gods :) this is fine surely. we cant fail whatever the hell is waiting for us :)

aylin and isobel goddddd i get it i get it you guys have the most epic romance of all time. damn. i loved that story as well!!!! soooo cool so fun so tragic and sweet... i wonder if we will keep seeing these characters in later game too because i really like them

but, my girl aylin couldnt help me much when we were fighting a god 💀 girl why did u dieeeee i even tried saving her but then she died again lmao i was really counting on her because like 💀 we are fighting a GOD i mean it's a god avatar but it's a GOD so like. what can i even do. at first, i even thought this was not gonna be a whole combat (ie there will be a cutscene after some point) because are u kidding meeee im just a mere ranger why am i fighting the god of death or whatever???? dang. but miraculously, i beat both of these bosses in my first try lmao. lots and lots of potions lost tho rip

ALSO halsin was at the moonrise too and honest to god i FORGOR that this was his mission too lmaooo i was like bro why are u here???? it was really like a big season finale where every character meets at the same goal lmaooo and he was coming onto me STRONGLY i mean bro is now the time??? also im a taken man pls 💀 im genuinely crying because my mood was generally like "bro why is everyone on my throat rn i just went through a traumatic fight what the hell" when i was in moonrise after the fight lmao. maybe that's the 4am effect too but i was shakennn i was REALLY into roleplaying at that moment

btw I've seen some people say that act 2 is the weakest and honestly??? i had so much more fun than act 1 i think. the story slaps way more harder, all the characters are so EPIC, all the settings and designs go offfffff, we can recruit jaheira!!!! etc etc it was really crazy. i would say everything after the nightsong reveal has been the highlight of my game so far!

now i still have the dialogues to go thru at the camp, and i dont know if act 2 will officially end after this, but im so exciteddddd to see where this will go. before venturing forth, i gotta resupply stuff and sort my equipments because i got GOOD STUFF but i didnt have the opportunity to really organize who will get what lol. so get my mess of a party together before venturing forth etc etc. WE DONT EVEN HAVE COORDINATED CLOTHING ANYMORE. the agony. the embarrassment. this is so important to me guys you dont even know. also wanna leave shart for a while if she doesn't have any important stuff immediately, i wanna take back karlachhhhhhh :((( also wyll too at some point! but also laezel too lmao i miss them all

that's all i can think of rn hope i didnt forgor many things because so many important things happened back to back lmao

ps. it was so funny to leave astarion at camp for this i was like. may i get a goodbye and good luck kiss 🥺 jsjehdhhff

GOD it's 4.30am and this was such a SEASON FINALE of a gaming session WHAT THE FUCK?????? i absolutely adored thisssss and i have many many comments but. it's 4.30am. lol. hopefully i wont forget them all in the morning