#I've learned a lot of things from PS too but I tried lol

[gallusneve]

Detective Neve Gallus... detecting again Extra special thank you to the lovelies @hawke and @astrariums for helping me deal with the intense blue in these scenes 💙🩵💚

[mlobsters]

supernatural s1e10 asylum (w. richard hatem)

(this is a rewatch, so spoilers abound)

search up, as my kids would say, what to do when your fixation takes a left turn. spn is definitely still my main thing, but i also just completely lost interest in trying to watch it again. i thought having the project of doing my little writeups for the eps i hadn't done would carry me along, like it did through the episodes/season i struggled with, but alas. not so much

lot of the little xfiles sound effect being used in this teaser bit with the cops searching the building. ps i've learned a lot about the history of abuse against disabled folks including the history of them being placed in institutions like this from imani barbarin (crutches and spice) and current disability advocacy etc; give her a follow.

dude that's a sweet little car, wonder if that's someone on the cast/crew's. in a different life i would have been down to mod my car too (i have a little 2006 black acura rsx that i love dearly)

the coloring and darkness i can't tell if that drip out of the ghostly possessed cop is blood or the black goo lol

such a pretty shot i love it and it's got that @dappermouth gothic americana vibe in spades and i kinda wanna paint it somehow. juxtaposed with the most bland boring font in the title screen lol

DEAN Caleb hasn't heard from him? SAM Nope. And neither has Jefferson or Pastor Jim. What about the journal? Anything leads in there?

thanks for the links to the characters from the transcript, wiki! trying to pay attention to what all the boys know about other hunters etc. also kind of creepy note in the caleb wiki entry: According to Jo's Journal, Jo was forced by her mother to refer to Caleb as "Uncle Caleb."

SAM After all that happened back in Kansas, I mean...he should've been there, Dean. You said so yourself. You tried to call him and...nothing. DEAN I know! (He rummages through his duffel) Where the hell is my cellphone? SAM You know, he could be dead for all we know. DEAN Don't say that! He's not dead! He's – he's... SAM He's what? He's hiding? He's busy?

the sass on the "he's busy?" made me laugh out loud

SAM (snorts) This is a job... Dad wants us to work a job. DEAN Well, maybe we'll meet up with him? Maybe he's there? SAM Maybe he's not? I mean, he could be sending us there, by ourselves, to hunt this thing. DEAN Who cares! If he wants us there, it's good enough for me! SAM This doesn't strike you as weird? The texting? The coordinates? DEAN Sam! Dad's tellin' us to go somewhere, we're goin'.

(little crispy R on weird)

SAM makes a bitchface and sighs.

okay transcriber 😂 dean's so relieved to get some orders

psst dean i think you're supposed to act at least a little mad or somethin after getting thrown around by fake-mad sam

i was trying to find a gif of dean spider monkey'ing over the chainlink fence but instead ended up in the tags of a gifset of that scene with sam shoving dean and apparently some people read this as dean was hurt (emotionally) by sam being too rough with him because he's mad about other stuff? which is 100% not what i got from his reaction. if that's what he was going for, i did not pick it up

DEAN Shoved me kinda hard in there, buddy boy.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

i'd expect a "look" to be like, wtf bro? not kind of... dazed and almost smiling

well. i can't find a gif of what i was looking for and i am reminded of why i don't search for spn stuff across the site vs just a blog that i know rb's lots of gifsets. i think that's enough for tonight

i just made the gifs instead 🧍‍♂️🤸‍♂️🧍‍♂️

also realizing why watching these first season episodes is especially exhausting, there's so much backstory and and character establishing going on that i have Thoughts about damned near every scene when they're talking, so it's just a lot of me prattling on and on. it's like a book report for every episode. because if i'm gonna talk about the episode, i'm gonna Talk About the Episode.

DEAN Let me know if you see any dead people, Haley Joel. SAM Dude, enough. DEAN I'm serious. You gotta be careful, all right? Ghosts are attracted to that whole ESP thing you got going on. SAM I told you, it's not ESP! I just have strange vibes sometimes. Weird dreams. DEAN Yeah, whatever. Don't ask, don't tell.

a) you see dead people too, dean b) ->

Pride Program offers personal perspective on ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ era

By Stefanie Hauck DLA Land and Maritime Public Affairs

When Jason Guthrie was in the Navy, he thrived for the first time in his life, garnering many accolades, challenging assignments and promotions. But one moment brought his upward trajectory to a screeching halt, resulting in his discharge in 1996 after four years of service. Guthrie, who served during the “don’t ask, don’t tell” era, spoke about his experiences as a gay man trying to find his way in an unaccepting world, during the 2024 Defense Logistics Agency Land and Maritime Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Pride Month program June 5 at the DLA Land and Maritime Operations Center Auditorium on Defense Supply Center Columbus. “Don’t ask, don’t tell” stipulated that gay service members were not required to disclose their sexual orientation, but could still be dishonorably discharged if they were discovered to be gay.  Thousands of service members – including Guthrie - were drummed out of the service under the law until its repeal in late 2010.

... His early interactions with other closeted gay military members around him, eventually led to his acceptance that he was gay at a time when “don’t ask, don’t tell” was the new law of the land. Guthrie said at the time it all seemed so straight forward. “You don’t ask me, I don’t tell you,” he said about the law. “It seemed to make perfect sense to me but many of my fellow closeted service members did not agree with that compromise. So, we all did the best we could to live our lives and pursue our military careers.” He focused on his work and was determined to be the best sailor that he could be. And by keeping social distractions to a minimum, he thrived in his early Navy career being promoted often and receiving many awards while working in strategy and policy for the chief of Naval Operations at the the Pentagon. ... After a tour in Bahrain, where he worked as an awards writer for the commander of U.S. Naval Forces Central Command, he arrived at his last duty station in 1996 at a low point after ending his first serious relationship prior to rotating back to the United States. “I was in the U.S. military and in the closet,” he said, “I knew I would need to transfer again, and he would not be able to join me.” What would be his last assignment was challenging for him in many ways. He had a roommate again after living independently for a while, and the people he worked with resented his rapid rise in rank and his previous ‘cushy’ assignments. “I was in a low mental state and had a hard time connecting with people,” he said.  This is where he said he made the biggest mistake of his military life by inviting someone into his room while his roommate was away at work. He thought it would be OK to do so because his roommate who was a flight mechanic was on a different shift. However, his roommate did show up while he had that individual in his room. “That’s when I heard a sound I’ll never forget. A key entering the door lock,” Guthrie said. His roommate did not say a word, went about his business and left while Guthrie and the individual were hiding under the bed covers. “I went to work the next day thanking God I dodged that bullet,” he said, “But my relief was soon replaced with fear when I was called into the command master chief’s office a few days later.” That conversation revolved around working out the issue with his roommate, but the impasse was so great it was reported to the unit’s legal office, resulting in several rounds of questioning until Guthrie admitted that there was another man in his room and that he was gay.   The next four months were torturous for Guthrie, while he went through the process of getting discharged from the Navy.

i was gonna include some history of DADT but i think this story is more important. the policy only ended in 2011. i know don't ask don't tell was a common punchline for many years, i'm the same age as them, i get it. i also think it's gross. it's that casual homophobia of the time period where people are sort of more openly chill about queer people theoretically, but they're still a joke. and the joke here i guess is sam's psychic stuff is freaking dean out and he doesn't want to hear it? but he's the one that brought it up. whatever, man.

(wikipedia) After the policy was introduced in 1993, the military discharged over 13,000 troops from the military under DADT.[111][231][232] ... In September 2021, on the 10th anniversary of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell repeal, President Joe Biden announced that the Veterans Administration would start providing benefits for service members who received other-than-honorable discharges (before DADT was enacted and while it was in effect) because of their sexual orientation.[215]

anyway. sigh.

DEAN Hey Sam, who do you think is the hotter psychic: Patricia Arquette, Jennifer Love Hewitt, or you? SAM pushes DEAN, who laughs.

so we gotta round it out with a little bit of calling sam a girl, of course. people call this flirting, i call it teasing with sort of a rotten core of a joke. i have a tag for it, as i go through the rewatch - the more overt (to me) things about masculinity/gender policing in the show. i think i miss some of that stuff. hey fellas, is it girly to have psychic powers

DEAN Man. Electro-shock. Lobotomies. They did some twisted stuff to these people. Kinda like my man Jack in Cuckoo's Nest. (makes crazy eyes and grins at SAM)

at least his impression bombed :p (my mental check: jack nicholson is the actor, jack nicklaus is the golfer; showing my age, natch)

i don't mean to pick on dean. just unfortunately the writers saddled him with most of the ~problematic~ lines. this is another case where i tend to zoom out and blame the writing and mentally keep it a little separated from the character. which isn't fair but it allows me to continue liking him :p and i'll even give that okay, so he was more homophobic as a character at this age in this time period and he grew past it. which he did, mostly. but then they'll have something like the 8x23 thing and then i squarely blame the writers (and honestly probably jackles too) and keep it separate from dean entirely because it's inconsistent to him at that point and nonsensical.

woof. shut up, bro.

SAM Dean. When are we going to talk about it? DEAN Talk about what? SAM About the fact Dad's not here. DEAN Oh. I see. How ’bout...never. SAM I'm being serious, man. He sent us here... DEAN So am I, Sam. Look, he sent us here, he obviously wants us here. We'll pick up the search later. SAM It doesn't matter what he wants. DEAN See. That attitude? Right there? That is why I always get the extra cookie. SAM Dad could be in trouble, we should be looking for him. We deserve some answers, Dean. I mean, this is our family we're talking about. DEAN I understand that, Sam, but he's given us an order. SAM So what, we gotta always follow Dad's orders? DEAN Of course we do.

i know you'll come around, dean, but let that simmer for a second. that's fucked up.

laughing at the idea that you could get a same day/next day appointment with a psychiatrist even in 2005

not in his usual little sneakers. kinda look like hush puppies or the like. but then his boots were slip ons too, once he moved to those. and jared still wears some of his old spn boots lol, mentioned at a con recently

huh! another actual brand. men's health magazine and that looks like.. damon from tvd? on the cover? oh, funny, it's seann william scott (the only way i dredged that one up after finding a picture was thinking he might have been with kutcher in dude, where's my car? [he was])

our generation (myself included) loves a long sleeve under short sleeve shirt

ELLICOTT You. Now I'll make you a deal. I'll tell you all about the Roosevelt riot, if you tell me something honest about yourself. Like, uh, this brother you're road tripping with. How do you feel about him? DEAN Dude! You were in there forever. What the hell were you talking about?

to be a fly on that wall. that said, i have faith in sam's abilities to bullshit well enough that doctor man buys his story. or maybe he took the opportunity to rant consequence-free, who knows!

hey sammy's got the camcorder out at the hospital, like they used in bloody mary? i thought that was a one and done (they may have used it since and i didn't notice/think about it too)

SAM This place is orbing like crazy.

IT'S ORBIN' TIME! haha also apparently only mentioned in this episode. but it did get a wiki entry because it was in the official website definition thing

KAT And Dean? He's your boss? SAM No.

partners, baby

brooke nevin / sydney sweeney

she reminds me of sydney sweeney a bit. pretty, blonde hair, with big eyes and similarly shaped mouth. apparently brooke nevin was one of the kids in the animorphs tv show? i didn't read those books, they were after my time. i got one or two for my kids but my oldest was very meh so i haven't gotten any others

nicholas d'agosto / tom welling in smallville

and the boy (nicholas d'agosto) who i, for whatever reason, think he looks like smallville version clark kent in this episode (having literally never watched smallville and only seen commercials) was harvey dent in the gotham tv show. which i also didn't watch! i don't watch many things. LOL which i conflated with the show misha was on. gotham... knights? haha. oh, and misha was harvey dent. that's even funnier

KAT My dad took me skeet shooting a couple times.

girl, me too! and my brother worked at the trap and skeet range in high school in az. iirc he was working in the little house that launches the clay targets

DEAN Yeah. They were rioting against Dr. Ellicott. Dr. Feelgood was working on some sort of, like, extreme rage therapy. He thought that if he could get his patients to vent their anger then they would be cured of it. Instead it only made them worse and worse and angrier and angrier. So I'm thinking, what if his spirit is doing the same thing? To the cop? To the kids in the seventies, making them so angry they become homicidal.... Come on, we gotta find his bones and torch ’em.

okay, i had forgotten this was the explanation to why sam says what he says in a minute. 📝

so i guess it was just drippy nose blood from the cop at the start, since it's not possession it's.... whatever brain zappy mind meld the evil doctor ghost man did. gotta have some indicator that sammy's under the influence too

DEAN We gotta burn Ellicott's bones and all this will be over, and you'll be back to normal. SAM I am normal. I'm just telling the truth for the first time. I mean, why are we even here? ’Cause you're following Dad's orders like a good little solider? Because you always do what he says without question? Are you that desperate for his approval? DEAN This isn't you talking, Sam. SAM That's the difference between you and me. I have a mind of my own. I'm not pathetic, like you. DEAN So what are you gonna do, huh? Are you gonna kill me? SAM You know what, I am sick of doing what you tell me to do. We're no closer to finding Dad today than we were six months ago. DEAN Well, then here. Let me make it easier for you. Come on. Take it. Real bullets are gonna work a hell of a lot better than rock salt. Take it!! DEAN You hate me that much? You think you could kill your own brother? Then go ahead. Pull the trigger. Do it! DEAN Man, I'm not going to give you a loaded pistol!

just thinking about how the premise is basically taking existing anger and ramping it up to the nth degree, and what the implications are of that in this. we know sam is independent and doesn't like being told what to do (relatable), and is very frustrated with dean's willingness to follow dad's orders instead of defying them in a more concentrated effort to track him down. playing dad's game of him sending them on hunts through the most ridiculous methods possible. i'd be pretty damned frustrated too. and i also understand, but have a harder time relating to, where dean's coming from. he was raised in a way that he understood from a way too young age that following orders was a matter of life or death, and that he had to keep sam safe, he had the burden and responsibility laid on his little kid shoulders. i can only imagine how hard it would be to break away from that lifetime of conditioning.

so that said, just thinking about how dean would reconcile this. trying to think about it without considering what we know about how dean feels and what he's worried about later, and just what we know at this point. but it's hard to think about it without considering the conversation in 1x16 where he lets his guard down and pretty much begs sam to stay with him and dad instead of going back to school when it's all over. in the pilot, he says he can't do it alone - which sam says yes he can - but dean says he doesn't want to. so we know he missed sam and wants them to be a family and partners. but at this point sam still is scrabbling for normalcy and independence and for this to be a short term situation.

so i guess my question to myself is, do i think this planted more seeds of doubt for dean that sam doesn't care about him the same way dean does. but we've got 1x12 faith coming up soon, which should tell dean something about sam's commitment to him. not enough to soothe his concerns, obviously, and even if sam's ready to trade someone else's life for dean's without a moment of concern, he still doesn't want to stay hunting long term with dean at that point. tough situation. when staying with your person means also having to do this horrible life-risking job with virtually no option for settling down, having a family, stability, safety and comfort.

(at which point i think about how they do eventually get most of that, but then dean dies and sam has to go on without him for so long and i get incredibly sad again. when the happy ending makes you cry every time you think about it for more than 5 seconds... i've gotten a lot out of fixating on this show but occasionally i wish i hadn't)

gives him a pat and apologizes for knocking him out

dean boot update: still not the logger boots

and for inexplicable reasons, evil doctor ghost man turns into a statue and breaks apart on the floor when his bones are burned lol as opposed to the standard ghost burning up sitch

crawled over to take refuge/(literally) protect sam's ass from crumbling ghost statue haha

SAM I'm sorry, man. I said some awful things back there. DEAN You remember all that? SAM Yeah. It's like I couldn't control it. But I didn't mean it, any of it. DEAN You didn't, huh? SAM No, of course not. Do we need to talk about this? DEAN No. I'm not really in the sharing and caring kinda mood. I just wanna get some sleep.

i mean, yes, you need to talk about it. and it kind of breaks my heart. dean is a mess. he only has had two points of stability in life, and sam left for 4 years and then john ghosted him. so he's twisting in the wind, trying to hold on to sam who is looking to leave as soon as possible, and the uncertainty of what's going to happen with john... it's just all so miserable.

so for the second time we get sam on the brink of freaking out over the nonsense of the no contact/cryptic contact from john and then john comes through with something. a message before, a phone call now. iirc jdm too was frustrated over what an ass he was being dodging the kids constantly

Throughout the season, Morgan became frustrated at times due to his character's avoidance of his sons, stating, "It pissed off everybody, it pissed off us as actors, it pissed off the audience watching, because none of us really knew where we were gonna go." However, he reasoned that John's motivation for his actions was due to having knowledge that nobody else had.[25]

you'd think i was getting paid by the letter to write these damned things. good grief.

[puttlesculpts]

Step 6: Build the skull mask, ruminate a lot. Blender pt 5

With the hood in a good enough place to move on, I wanted to see what it would look like if I used the premade skull mask I had found. As the existence of this post implies: it didn't looks very good!

Never even took a screenshot cuz I nixed that idea so quickly. Which was great, because it was a sign that I was getting more confident in what I could do and the sudden idea of making a mask from scratch was no longer daunting. So I mads a few references and set out to "trace" the model via a flat image and editing the primitive in the isometric views:

Took a screenshot as face-on as I could but still had to skew + mirror it in PS cus ya boy's face is pretty angled. At least the profile is easy to just rotate.

Anyway, here it is with the images placed for Optimal Isometric Modeling:

What you don't see here is the struggle to figure out the best way to actually trace things. Ya I could have watched a video, but at some point you just gotta play around with it on your own. So I ended up taking the woodcarving technique and moving all the vertices to where they needed to be at the most important angle. In this case, in Front View, where I moved everything to the exact place I needed it to be on the x/y-axis, which left most of the sculpting to happen on the z-axis.

This was ALSO the first time I ever deleted faces, something which I forgot I could do, and was much easier than my original plan of just sinking the unneeded surface into his face lol (should probably go back and do this for some of the boot parts)

The mask itself presented a pretty good set of challenges from the previous endeavors, especially with the more natural and rigid nature of bone. I feel like with the cloth of the pants/hood I was able to get away with a little less precision, as there is an inherent unpredictability to the way cloth falls which would not be too noticeable so long as I implied weight well enough (something I was conscious of and played around with :^) ), but the skull portion has a very distinct look with the shapes and shadows.

The mask also needs to be a balancing contrast to the otherwise soft nature of the surrounding cloth pieces. I am wary of my sculpts looking uncanny due to being too smooth and play doh-y (like how the Sims 3 sims looked lmaooo), which is where the skull would come in. I do plan/hope/am praying that brushes will help toward the end to give things a bit of a lived-in feel, and I know there's a way to add additional 3D textures similar to how you add 2D ones, but that was something I briefly tried to do in the past with no luck. In spite of that, I am confident I will be able to figure it out now that I've learned so much more about what I am actually doing in Blender.

With all that being said, the teeth killed me lmao

When I made the general shape of the mask, I thought about just using the mouth portion from the original model I was gonna use. However, that gave me a whole nest of problems on its own. Mainly these huge fucking clusters of vertices:

They made Blender super slow, hoping between edit/object mode was a nightmare, and applying a modifier was a guarantee like 5 minutes of no response. And I spent a good amount of time and troubleshooting trying to fix this (including decimating the geometry, attempting to remove this entire back side + extruding, mirroring, etc) but at the end of the day I just decided it wasn't worth it.

This was a major factor in my decision to started moving away from remixing existing models. I realized that I actually do care about the amount of control I have over them + with each successful part I made, it would make each borrowed one feel that much more out of place.

So major character development here: I am officially gonna axe any plans I had for borrowing models! Except for the skull pauldron, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there lol

Anyway, here are the steps I took trying to make the teeth work before decided to JUST include the teeth and do the rest of the sculpting post-print in epoxy.

I ended up using someone else's teeth tho cus I tried making my own via extrusion (looked bad, look like those lil square gums) and sculpting.

Turns out idk what teeth look like and I could not be bothered to do the entire reference process, especially when I KNOW someone out there probably made a perfectly good set of individual teeth. And someone did!

Anyway, I refined the mask further to give it more shape and will probably continue to work on the teeth as I progress onto other pieces. Who knows, maybe I will eventually gain the skills and confident to say fuck it and just make the entire mask in 3D too.

Up next: Additional head details, maybe the straps on his chest? Gloves pt 2? The BIG cloth wraps? tbd tbh

Sneak preview of the extra details + o ya I learned how to add simple colors cuz it was getting difficult to see all the different lil light gray pieces on his head, but then I got carried away and did the whole body

[byunbaekhyunie]

Hey! May I ask, as a non-gif maker, what exactly is the problem with the coloring? What is good/bad lighting? How do you correct it?

I see a lot of creators mention coloring, so I’d like to learn more❣️

of course ! this can get quite convoluted so i’ll try to keep things as simple as i can but, it did get quite lenghty so i put it under the squiggle

coloring, which is just shorthand for color correcting/grading, is the process of altering the colors of whatever source material you’re working with in post ; I’d say it accounts for maybe.. 50 to 75% of the final visual impact of the gif so it’s quite an important step but it’s an art more than a science so every cc color corrects in their own way and because of that, there are no definitive answers to your questions because there is no right or wrong way to grade or even light a scene (unless you’re perpetrating racial discrimination lol), it just depends on what end result you’re trying to achieve ! but i will offer my personal perspective and hope it's helpful to you ^^

so what is good and bad lighting... yk i wish i could say smth simple like "i like natural lighting better than studio lights" but thing is, sometimes you have the potential for great lighting but because the camera settings weren't properly adjusted, you get mad overexposure or super high contrast or whatever it is, the two are codependent so really my answer would be that i like when the footage i'm using was shot in log with little to no alteration because no matter what the lighting was, i should have enough data to get me where i want to be. but that's hardly ever the case, and that's what makes color grading often a lot harder for gif makers, is that we have to work on top of however many layers of destructive alterations the footage went thru before getting to us

that being said, i hate a color cast they’re a pain to correct properly. which brings us to our current case in point, the cursed 230714 mubank stage. this is a raw screengrab from the file after encoding

as you can see it's VERY pink, the color balance is all wrong, if you look at the robe you can tell the blacks are way too red and the highlights in his face are unnaturally pinkish, and yes that stems from the fact that they were using red and white overhead lights for this stage but also, i think i can safely say it probably got exasperated in post, on top of the skin smoothing filters they use but that's a whole other can of worms x_x it's also a lot of contrast to start with and it's slightly overexposed

btw i should say that i like well lit neutral tones, i don't like when things are too warm, too cool, too saturated, too contrasty or too dark, ideally i want my gifs to look as if you were watching the thing irl with your own two eyes, that's what i'm aiming for when coloring. again, to someone who doesn't mind smth a bit more stylized, this probably wouldn't be a big deal but to me, that's bad lighting and bad postprod

so how do you go abt fixing it? well, beats me ! i've tried a few different things and it's nearly impossible to readjust the balance to restore the flesh tones to smth more natural.. here's the first coloring i did, in split so you can compare better

i don't like it because it's too bright still, colors are way too saturated, there's too much cyan to counteract the pinks and his skin looks too yellow to my liking

and there's coloring two

i like the overall balance a lot more in this one but the highlights are still way too yellow but i can't neutralize them without having the whole thing turn blue i was working on a third attempt but ps crashed and i don't feel like troubleshooting anymore ><

i hope that was instructive in any way ! sometimes i feel like i'm a bit scattered and idk if i'm making much sense but don't hesitate if you need me to clarify anything !

[slvtbible]

G O L D

chapter one

summary: [y/n is a young stripper who is adored by many men. harry styles is a man who loves to carry danger with him]

word count: 4222

pairing: stripper!y/n and gangleader!harry

warnings: violence, vulgar language, sexual acts, alcohol and drug

to be honest, i was a little hesitant to post it here and i don’t know if this story will blow up on tumblr or get many notes but that’s the last thing on my mind right now. i just want to share what i’ve been working on that kept you guys waiting for almost a year lol sorry about that. But yes, she’s finally here!! I posted first on wattpad before i put it here, I felt like the only way to reach out more people to read it it’s through that. And also, i decided to use a name on wattpad but I’d use the term ‘y/n’ on tumblr. Enjoy it all my loves! Give me feedbacks!💜

*

*

Harry fixes the collar of his sheer black shirt before tucking it neatly inside the black trousers he's currently wearing. He normally goes something more extravagant for going out. His closet is filled with colourful ruffles and Hawaiian shirts along with 'more than one colour' suits. However tonight, he needs to lay low for a bit. Especially when he's about to step into one of the most famous strip clubs in New York in an hour to meet up with the manager.

He's very much aware of the reputation he has put on himself out there. Though there's no use of camouflage and hiding, he still doesn't want a cause a scene,

Yet.

His hand lifts a bottle of Tom Ford from the dresser before spraying it twice on his neck. Stepping away from the full length mirror, he grabs his cross necklace from the bed before putting the accessory around his neck as he walks out of the room.

"Talk to me Reece" his heavy accent echoes the hallway as he walks downstairs, watching his few men pocketing their weapons,

Reece, the brown skinned man with tattoos nods. "He's there. Just got a word from Bianco. He appears isn't expecting you, Boss. However I do believe he knows you're coming soon. The club is far too crowded than usual but Bianco is taking care of that right now." He informs, showing him the message on the phone,

Harry can only scoff, nodding at him as a thank you. "That son of a bitch should've. Owes me more than fucking money." He mutters, inserting the .45 ACP inside his gun holster. "The car's ready?"

Nodding, Reece leads Harry down towards the basement. "As requested. Lamborghini Murcielago in blue hera. Pack with 640 PS and 471 kW, rules around 213 mph if you consider on hit and run. Still, I pack a standard Aeropack wing if you wanna go slow tonight. The windows? Bulletproof. In case anyone tries to kill you." Harry knows he's only joking about the last part. No one dares try to kill him before he does it. It's a pattern that everyone knows by now.

Harry lets out a low whistle, softly shaking his head as the machine beauty appears. Tracing lightly with his ring cladded fingers along the hood of the car. "Not planning to hit and run tonight, Reece. Not even thinking about racing down the street with my weapon outside the window. You don't have anything more. . . Less attractive?" He questions, still staring at the gorgeous car ahead of him,

"You know I don't do less, boss." Reece winks playfully, laughing to himself as he watches Harry roll his eyes. "Besides. Who knows you'll get yourself a bird tonight, eh? Take her out on a stroll before bringing her home to your place. Women love fast cars." He comments, pressing the button on the keys as the door opens,

Humming as a response, Harry walks towards the driver's seat, "I don't date anymore, thought my right hand man knew tha' " He speaks, words laced with seriousness while grabbing the keys from Reece's fingers,

He can only sigh and nod his head. "Understood. Yet, Kendra is like what? Two years ago? Gotta get yourself something better, boss. You deserve it. So do it tonight." He suggests, watching him going inside the car before shutting the door,

Harry smiles a bit, inserting the keys inside the ignition before starting the car. "Noted."

The dark haired man steps away from the car. Giving Harry a salute. "I'll be right behind you. See you there."

*

*

*

Y/N Y/L/N stands in front of the mirror as she applies another layer of red lipstick on her plump lips. Securing the tube back as she puckers her mouth to see if it fits the colour for tonight. She twirls, watching carefully how the gold lingerie clads perfectly around her breasts and down to her curvy hips and thick thighs.

She stops once her plump ass is facing the mirror, admiring how beautiful and big her bum is in the lingerie. It's a compliment really. She loves working out to give her bum a bit bigger. It's not that she hopes she'll gain attention from people, she just loves her body. She worships every piece of it despite what other people think of it. Insecurity was her biggest enemy but not anymore. After reading lots of books and poems about self love she learns that there's nothing she should be ashamed of.

Grabbing a bottle of lotion from her table, she squeezes the bottle into her hand before rubbing her bum with the cold cream, rubbing it neatly to make sure she doesn't miss a spot.

Another thing, she loves moisturizing her plump flesh before the show. It's sexy

"Joe is asking for you." She hears a voice coming from behind, craning her neck to see her closest co-worker Violet, already in her usual purple wig and attire as she stands beside Angelina. "I love working as a stripper but he really needs to learn to be patient and. . . shut up, i guess?"

Y/N releases a small laugh, moving her long dark wavy hair to rest on her chest. "I know, I know. Jesus, I've told him fifteen minutes prior that I'll take longer than usual." She slips on her gold heels and turns to face Violet, who's biting her lip as she stares at Angelina's body up and down. "Okay, how do i look?"

Violet raises her eyebrow, as if it's something her friend shouldn't be asking. "You kidding? You look like a sex goddess. Gonna get all the men on their knees for you, girl"

Scoffing, she shoots her a wink and a flirtatious smile. "Old men with beer bellies? No thanks. I'd rather make out with Gordon." She replies, seemingly disgusted about the thought of grinding on an old man's lap tonight.

"Is that a bet I hear?" Violet questions, leaning towards her a bit as she waits for her friend’s response. "Please tell me that it is so I can earn extra cash tonight."

Gordon is a perverted bartender that always keeps his eye on Y/N throughout her routine. He's 40 and is always asking Angelina on a 'date' and by date, he means her ass on his lap. Clearly something Y/N isn't too fond of. Him specifically. Violet and Y/N have always made a joke about him, something they could make a playful banter in every chance they get.

Plus, she heard he's married. Isn't he supposed to find another job rather than here? If his wife found out what kind of a sleaze bag she married, she would be crushed,

Rolling her eyes, Y/N shoves her playfully by the arm. "Ha ha, very funny" she answers, resuming to untangle her hair from knots.

Violet laughs, pinching her on the hip as she lets outa small squeal. "Just messing with you, baby. Good luck out there. Put the rest of us to shame tonight. . . Like any other night"

Y/N flips her off, yet knowing it's the truth. She's not trying to sound like a condescending bitch here but none of the girls here are actually capable to do what Y/N does. That's what makes men attracted to her. She knows what she's doing. She knows how to make a man hard.

"By the way, you heard what Joe's talking about earlier?" Violet asks, toeing off her heels as she exhales a relief sigh. "Damn those heels are killing me" She mumbles,

"No... What's about?" She turns her head to face Violet for her to explain, causing her to shrug her shoulders,

"Don't know much about it. . . But i hear Harry Styles is coming here to meet up with him. Something about transaction or shit" She waves it off, whispering it to Y/N, looking around to make sure no one is eavesdropping,

She almost chokes on her saliva after hearing Violet says the name. "Harry Styles?! The. . . mafia boss of New York..?" Her eyes widen at the possibility of the most dangerous man in the city paying a visit to the place she works at,

Nodding, Violet answers, "Yup. That Harry Styles. He's the devil. Let's hope this place doesn't turn into a war zone."

Y/N has heard about this Harry guy. The most feared man of New York. She does know a little bit of the relations between Joe and Mr. Styles. Almost every night she could hear Joe freaking out about this man. She may not know him that close, hell she had never even met him in person but people talk. One thing she learned about hearing his reputation, you don't ever want to mess with this guy.

Violet snaps her fingers to snap Y/N out of her thoughts. "Less worrying, girl. Come on, you got a show to put on yes?"

"Y-yeah. Fuck. . . now i'm scared" She breathes out, looking at her reflection in the mirror one last time. Calming down her mind.

After giving Violet a kiss on a cheek and receiving a tap on her ass, she takes a deep breath as she opens the beaded curtain and walk out to the club. Jhene Aiko is playing through the speakers, thanks to her who chose the music for tonight. She can already feel all eyes on her as she struts down confidently, putting on a smirk and winking at couple of men here and there. As much as it disgusts her, she grazes her hand along a man's arm who's biting his lip and looking at her up and down.

'What the fuck did i do to deserve this?' she thinks to herself, staring at the man in front of her who's probably the same age as her father. The thought of it makes her gag,

She gives the man a wink before getting up on the stage, hearing a few hollers from behind. reaching out to wrap her hand around the silver pole and her leg hooking up to support her body. Slowly twirling with her head thrown back and closes her eyes with money being toss at her direction before letting go and crutching down on her knees, moving close towards the same man earlier. He slips in a couple of hundred dollar bills inside her panties, causing the others to do the same.

This may be not how she pictures her success but damn, by the end of the week, her bank account can go from three to six digits.

She's definitely gonna hold on to that,

*

*

*

It takes Harry close to thirty minutes to get here. He blames it all on the traffic, cursing to himself every time he stops at red lights. He parks his car close to the entry before he exits from the vehicle. He looks over his shoulder to find a familiar black car driving towards her, noting to himself it's Reece's. Seeing him wave his hand to make sure he's coming in later.

He clears his throat, clenching his jaw as he walks into the club. Reece wasn't lying, the club is too packed for tonight. As if God knew what is about to get down tonight and isn't going to let him get away with witnesses. He really needs to play safe for a while tonight.

As he strides through the room to find a table he has reserved for, a few half naked girls walk right pass him, stroking his exposed chest and grabbing his shoulders. Most of them are gorgeous and he's tempted to touch their soft skin yet he has to hold it. Not that he isn't interested because he's definitely taking someone back to his place tonight--fucking Reece had to be right-- but he needs to get his head in the game for at least an hour before planning to do so.

Gently, he pulls back a chair for him to sit. He specifically asks for the furthest table so no one can figure out what he's about to do tonight. A glass of whiskey has been set on his table before he got here, waiting for Joe's arrival. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Reece and Bianco walking over to his table. One of them gives him a nod to acknowledge his presence.

Harry lifts the glass up to his lips and take a sip of it. Honestly, he hates doing all of this dirty work. Sure, he's the boss. But he despises complicated things. He should've known not to trust Joe about anything, yet when he begged on his knees with a gun knocked against his head as he spat out a bunch of threats to the weakened man, he thought why not? If Joe didn't get to fulfill his demands, he gets to kill him either way. It's always a pleasure for him to do so.

"Mr. Styles! Ay, i'm so happy to see you. You look a lot cleaner than i saw you the last time, eh?" Joe's voice causes Harry's green eyes averts from the scene on the crowd. His eyebrows are knitted, jaw tightened as he taps his fingers against the table, causing the rings he's wearing to knock.

He owes him money worth $50,000. And this man had the nerve to walk in and act like nothing happened.

He is definitely going to kill him.

"Stop with all that shit and sit the fuck down. You owe me something Joe." Harry warns, pointing at him as Harry's men forces the dark haired male to sit down making him gulp. "You owe me 50 grand for that package you piece of shit."

Joe couldn't feel more terrified as he catches a glimpse of Harry's gun on the table, facing towards him. "I know Harry, I know. I didn't forget, okay? It's just the money is tight right now. The girls aren't getting the amount of money they used to be getting." Joe tries to reason but Harry isn't having any of it,

"Stop being a fucking pussy and blame your girls for the money you've lost. I'm running out of patience here, Joe. If you don't give me the money by the end of the week, you're a dead man. I still have one body bag left in my car and I wouldn't mind writing your name on it." Harry grits his teeth, looking at him with a dark look in his eyes. Hand gripping tightly around the glass

"No man, I need more than that. Please, I'll do whatever you ask me to. You will have your money man I promised." Joe begs, looking at Harry with hopeful eyes.

Harry finds it quite disgusting to see someone like him beg for mercy-- for the second time--or anything at all to be honest. He find that gesture is weak and vulnerable which makes him very easy to manipulate over. "I don't give out second chances."

Joe hears a gun clicks behind, he doesn't need to know what's going on. He knows one of the two men behind him is ready to blow his brains out. "Harry man. . . One more. . . Give me one more"

Harry isn't a patient man. He doesn't want people beg. He doesn't want him to beg. But he finds it interesting to see how it goes, playing along this little game of his.

"Fine. you give me your best girl and i'll give you two months." Harry offers, cocking his eyebrow as he leans back to relax himself. "No more than that."

Joe's eyes widen at Harry's demand. It's impossible to collect a 50 grand in two months, especially when he's short on it. He needs more than that. Still, he thinks two months is better than nothing. "Okay. . . Agreed. Just tell me which girl you want or-or i could bring one or two here, man. Take your pick."

Harry can only hum in response, scanning his eyes over the scene. Dozens of girls dancing on stage, few of them even has their bras taken off. It seems to him, none of these girls on the room is his type.

Until his green eyes fall on a certain slightly curvy woman with her leg wrapped around the pole.

Her long dark hair brushing lightly against the floor as she bend her back a bit. He observes the way her body move so dirty yet gracefully around the pole,  the way she bites onto her pink glossed lips and how her brown eyes manage to flirt with the crowd and had them lure into her eyes including himself. He swears this girl just steps out of his daydreams. She looks perfect.

He admires how she circle her hips painfully slow, jealous how he isn't close enough to watch her plump flesh near his strong figure.

"Her. I want her" Harry points at the girl he can't take his eyes off. His voice sounds too possessive but he doesn't care if he does. He's too enhanced with the way she moves on that stage and he loves how she swats those dirty hands who seems desperate to cope a feel with a dirty look on her face.

'Seems like a fighter' he thinks to himself

"Y/N? You want her?" Joe asks after he realises who Harry's pointing at.

"Y/N? That's a gorgeous name. She's not taken is she? Not that i care anyway. She's a dime from what i can see here." He says, not tearing his eyes off of her while he sips on his drink. "You're gonna give me her to me aren't you?" Harry asks, his eyes are threatening enough for Joe so he nods his head as a response.

"Yes. Of course. If that's what you want."

"Fuck yes i do. Bring me to one of your rooms. I want a private from her" He demands before gulping down his drink, standing up to head over to the back. Not before glancing at the gorgeous woman one last time who stuffs a few dollar bills in her panties.

*

*

After what it feels like forever dancing on stage and have men whistling at her to go over and give them more, she finally sit herself down on a chair in her dressing room and take a deep breath. Moaning in relief as she pulls her heels off while setting her timer on because she only has thirty minutes to rest before going back out there again. She leans back against the chair, sighing in a pure bliss.

She can hear a few girls talking and laughing while preparing themselves for their performance tonight, wishing she could just join in because Violet informs her earlier there's some juicy gossip she needs to talk about but she cant take it. She's too tired.

She has only closes her eyes for 10 minutes until a familiar voice speaks out,

"Where's Y/N?"

She groans internally. Can never mistake that voice soon as she hears it. Her manager, who sounds like he's panting, voice firm as if is an emergency to call her out like that. Y/N still has her eyes shut as she raises her hand up, not having the energy to respond.

"Okay, good. Y/N. You don't need to go back out there again. There's a special guest I need you to entertain. He's already waiting in the red room."

She nods and hum, only to realize what he means as her eyes bugs out.

Wait, what?

She's quick to turn around, brows furrows and mouth hangs open, not believing what she has just heard. "Pardon?"

"There's a man. A guy who I work with, waiting in one of the rooms. He specifically asked for you. I need you to at least give him an hour." Joe notifies, running his hand over his face as if he's stressed about something,

"You want me to give a lap dance to your co-worker?" She raises her eyebrow, not believing what he just asked her

Joe sighs angrily, "it's technically not--Y/N... please. No more questions, just go over there."

"Who's the guy?" she ignores his orders as she stands, crossing her arms across her chest. "Jesus, fuck. I really need my hair to breath" she mutters, brushing down her long dark brown hair,

"Harry Styles."

Y/N freezes in an instant. Looking up to stare at Joe in the eye to see if he's joking, he can only nod his head to confirm her questioning look. " you're shitting me."

"I'm not," Joe replies, walking over to her, not wanting the other girls to hear. "Y/N, I owe him money. I haven't got them yet and--"

She scoffs, rolling her eyes and continue messing with her hair a bit more. "Not my problem."

He reaches out to grab her elbow, pulling her harshly causing her to stumble a bit. "Y/N, please... He wanted to kill me out there earlier. The guy brought a gun for God's sake. He gave me a month but until then... he wants you."

"You know i'm not a hooker" Y/N defeatedly sighs. She wants to help him, she does but it sounds like he's selling her off for a month to this notorious and dangerous guy who is named to be the deadliest man alive by the people of New York.

She loves money but no fucking way she's willing to die for it.

"I didn't say you were" He roughly says, hand gripping tightly on her arm. "Just... do it" He let her go, tired of the waiting because he doesn't want to make Harry pissed off now,

The girl sighs angrily, squeezing her eyes shut as she hesitates for a while. What the fuck did she get herself into?

"Fine. just give me a moment."

Giving her a smile, Joe thanks her by giving her a kiss on the cheek, telling her the door number Harry is in before walking out of the room. Soon after he walks out, she feels sick in her stomach. How could she ever go face to face with a man with blood in his hands? She's about to give this man a lap dance. Who knew he might've ask for more?

So now, as she finishes re-applying a layer of red lipstick, she heads out. Walking to the back of the room in a slow pace. Heart beating loud and fast as she's about to come face to face with this man. Still, she needs to play it cool. God really fucking hates her,

If he really does exists.

She takes a deep breath before opening the brown door carefully, pushing it open. Her knees almost buckle at the sight of Harry Styles, lounging on the leather couch. A cigarette squeeze between his fingers. legs spread open as if it's an invitation already made for her. His head turns towards the door, a smirk graces upon his face.

She's not going to lie. He is indeed dashingly handsome. With his arms resting on the back of the couch making his biceps look a bit bigger. He's got killer looks too. she studies. Sexy smile, and stubble which creates a sexier look on his face. She catches a glimpse of a silver cross necklace resting against his broad chest. His eyes are sharp. Looking at her up and down with his bottom lip bitten between his teeth.

"My, my" he lowly whistles, watching her every move as she enters the room. Locking the door behind her. "I wasn't wrong. You are a fucking dime."

Y/N giggles-- though feeling scared shitless-- and run her hands over her hair as she struts her way towards his figure. Purposely swaying her ass side to side a bit to tease him. "Mr.Harry Styles. . . I heard a lot about you. Word on the street is that you're a man that likes to carry a danger" she smirks seductively as she stands in between his open legs, dragging her finger slowly down her chest.

Her angelic voice is like music to his ears,

"Yeah?" he smirks, eyes falling to the curve of her breasts. "Hope that doesn't scare you, doll. All i want is a dance from you, that's all. I also heard that you are their favourite girl. After seeing you danced on that stage, I now know why."

Again, she giggles. A small blush creeping on her cheeks, hopefully he doesn't see it. "You're a flirt aren't you, Harry? You do this to every girl?"

He places his hands slowly on her plump ass, he doesn't know if he's allowed to touch but he doesn't give a shit. She seems isn't bothered by it. He wants this girl and he wants her now.

"Only to those who i find interesting, baby. Now, are you going to show me what you got?" He asks, looking up to meet her brown eyes as he squeezes her flesh.

With a devilish smirk, she slowly sets herself down on his lap which causes him to let out a soft groan. She runs her hands down to his tattooed chest and toys with his cross necklace for a bit before whispering in his ear, "sit tight and relax, Mr. Styles. I'll be your good girl for tonight"

next chapter

*

i really don’t want to write a super long chapter, because i’m afraid it’ll bore you guys so maybe--i hope-- this is enough. anyway, i hope you guys enjoy this first chapter, let me know if you guys hate it or love it! I’ll appreciate it. love you guys!

[fratboykate]

i would love some book recs! ig i’m not really sure what i want to focus on most? i’d like to try both but my natural instinct is to gravitate more towards TV

Not the same anon, but please do share those scriptwriting books. I have always considered myself a terrible writer (aka doubt my every written word to the point that I have memories of my parents taking away my eraser as a kid while I did my homework due to my obsessive self editing), so I am game to always read about how to be better at writing stuff. (Ps, this took 10 minutes to write xD)

---

The two on the left are general, basic screenwriting format and structure books. Most writers swear by them. You'll find Robert's book on almost every screenwriter's bookshelf. It's considered by most (if not all) in the industry as THE seminal book on screenwriting. I personally never even finished it. That book is MASSIVE. There's a ton of stuff I don't agree with, I think it gets too into the weeds on shit it doesn't have too, and it tries to dictate archaic rules that don't need to exist BUT it's part of that "learn the foundations before you break the rules" thing that I think newbies to everything should abide by. I'd been writing for over a decade by the time I got around to reading this so when I stopped I simply knew it wasn't for me because I already had my process and it worked. It could be great for people that are starting out but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, please, the moment anyone starts telling you "your story needs to do something by X page" or "your scenes can only be 2 pages long" tune that shit out. It's why I *fucking loathe* Save The Cat. I think it might have been the worst thing that ever happened to screenwriting lol. If you're telling a good story no one gives a fuck. Story and character first. Those inane rules are part of the shitty, formulaic things that a lot of screenwriters who read these books follow and why most films end up looking and sounding the same. Fuck the "your hero has to be on his journey by page 10 or its a terrible script". I can guarantee you not one of the feature or pilot scripts I've sold in the last 2-2.5 years have followed ANY of these rules. Good writing and unique voice. That's what people are looking for. That's not to say your protagonist should still be fucking around and we don't know what the movie is about by page 50, but you know what I mean. Just don't worry about if they tell you "X needs to happen by page 10" and it's page 15 and it hasn't. No one is going to kill you for it. You're fine. I promise. No one cares if your scene is 5 pages long as long as it's a solid 5 pages that make sense within the story and moves it forward.

The other four are the only books I think you need to read to start writing TV. I have a shit ton of books on TV and also gave up on all of them. These are the only ones I finished and 3/4 of them are SUPER quick reads. You can probably get through those three in an afternoon. That's because writing a pilot is both the easiest and the hardest thing you can do. These books are breaking down the quite simple basics and your writing skills will take over from there. A pilot (and subsequently selling the series) is ultimately about how strong your story, characters, and series concept are because structure wise it's very very straightforward.

You'll have to decide how you prefer to break your pilots and what structure you find easiest to naturally follow. Every writer has their own bag of tricks and trying to imitate someone else's will almost always lead to failure. These are not one size fits all things. It never is with creative shit. Here's what works for me. For hour longs I do teaser and five acts when I'm writing then I take out all the act breaks when I'm done since I write for streamers not broadcast or cable. Having the act breaks there when I'm writing helps keep track of what is happening where/when. Only reason why they're there and why I take them out. I don't want people focusing on them/when they happen when they're reading. For half hours I literally don't do acts. At all. Whatsoever. That's part of the reason why I say follow your gut. I just write 30-40 pages worth of good story and that's it. It particularly helps me because - again - I write for streamers not for broadcast so I don't have to worry about commercial breaks. But if you're trying to write broadcast/cable comedy stuff then it's different and you should absolutely learn half hour acts.

Anywhooooooo, hope any of that rambling helped. That's what works for me and it's a process that has taken me years to have on lock. Each of you should find your own groove.

[zalie]

hey, it’s the advice-needed anon. thanks so much for the quick reply!

I have kind of a stupid situation here. I’ve wanted this ridiculous pair of shoes - roller shoes - since I was a very young child. I’ll be 22 soon and I’ve always tried to seem mature and older than I am, even though it means sacrificing parts of my personality, so I’ve always stayed away from “childish” things like heelies. I’m trying very hard to bring that childish side of myself back, since I’ve suppressed it so long.

long story short, I have the option to buy a pair of roller shoes (in this case, white clunky shoes with retractable wheels) or a pair of roller skates. I’m very new to skating (beyond ice skating twice in my whole life), but I want to learn. I’m trying to decide which to go for: the thing child-me has always wanted or something slightly safer and easier to learn. the reason I wanted the heelies/roller-shoes is because I can retract the wheels and wear them as shoes, but I obviously can’t do that with actual skates. the roller shoes are more expensive (by at least $20, depending on the model) and they’re both above $50, the roller-shoes being around $90 (yikes Ik, but I gotta spend my birthday money somehow ((I never spend it, I’m cheap lol)) and that’s the only thing I can think of), and the skates being around $70. what do you think I should go for?

ps: sorry this was so long, and I hope this doesn’t seem stupid! thanks for being okay with me asking, means a lot <3

Hi, anon!

No problem, I'm procrastinating on everything I have to do right now and I figured I could help someone while I'm doing so. And your question isn't stupid! I am terrible at making decisions myself, and so having someone else's input always helps me

It's great that you're bringing back your true self! I know society has stereotypes for adults and it sucks :/ I'm only a teen right now and I take pride in being different, but for some people it's different.

First of all, I love Heelies! They're so fun, I had two pairs in the past but I've outgrown them and I never got the chance to buy new ones. I also have rollerblades that are hand-me-downs. Both are very enjoyable to use. Rollerblades are harder to use and learn than Heelies, but I've been figure skating for about half my life now so it wasn't too difficult for me - It all just takes practice!

When I'm making decisions, I always like to way out the pros and cons of each choice, so I'm going to attempt to do that here:

In my experience, Heelies really aren't comfortable enough to be worn as regular shoes, but they do make you taller! I would always wear mine when my parents would drag me along to Ikea, because of the smooth floors. I don't know about other people, but when I see an adult using something cool like these, it always makes my day because I know they are expressing themselves and having fun and I aspire to be like that when I am an adult.

Of course, you can't wear rollerblades wherever you go, and they are harder to learn, but they are cheaper. If you're trying to spend your birthday money (I never spend mine either 😅) I say Heelies would be worth the money if that's what you have always wanted and want something easier to learn.

Both roller shoes and blades are very enjoyable to use. Rollerblades are harder to use and learn than Heelies, but I've been figure skating for about half my life now so it wasn't too difficult for me - It all just takes practice!

Go for whatever you think would work best, and maybe you could even buy both, try them out, see which one you like the most, and return the other one.

Sorry for such a long answer, but I hope I was able to help in some way!

[queer-as-used-by-tolkien]

11, 29, 45 for Tiffany and 25, 34, 37 for Eveanin from the Character Solidifying ask xD

Oh, thanks for all the questions! Let's see how long this gets lol.

Tiffany Commander

11. How do they see themselves: as smart, as intelligent, uneducated?

When she was younger, she saw herself as smart - and she is - but time has humbled her. No plan lasts after first contact, or whatever the saying is, and she's had the best-laid plans backfire in her face (e.g. Tonn, all of HoT, a good chunk of S3 and PoF, Aurene right left and center, etc.)

Pretty much she's lost all confidence in being smart or smarter than average or IQ points or whatever - she just does her best, and a lot of the time her best is better than somebody else's best, but most of the time it doesn't matter and all her plans can do is leave more salvageable piece afterward. But! She always does her best and hopes for the best, because sometimes it works out alright. (Looking at you, Dragonstorm.)

29. What is your character’s weaknesses? Hubris? Pride? Controlling?

Hoo boy. As of IBS, I'm not quite sure; I don't consider her to be a main character in IBS - she's the old mentor to the new hero (Braham) - and I think her biggest weakness there is that she has too much confidence in Braham. She doesn't realize how not-ready he is, and she doesn't step up enough to coach him through it, and she doesn't take the reins and say "let me handle this." Maybe she believes failure is the best way to learn, maybe she half-believed Jormag and thought this was a good, low-stakes way for Braham to learn, who knows.

Pre-IBS, though... let's start from the beginning, since this all strings together! PS she could pull her weight in the military arena, but (as described in my last post) she was greatly lacking in the personal relationships department. Let's say Trahearne was as good (or better) for her as she was to him; but emotionally she was rather needy during that time because those needs had gone unfulfilled for years.

S1 through HoT she got cocky; she overconfident and thought she could handle things she couldn't; Scarlet, Mordremoth, Glint's egg, etc. and the result of that was in S3, after things had begun crashing around her with increasing regularity (Trahearne was the worst, but by no means the last), she was eventually just trying to do everything herself, culminating in Kiel's line "one individual against a God of War? ...I'm sure it'll be alright", mostly because she felt emotionally betrayed by everyone (except Taimi) who left for their own things when she was so emotionally vulnerable.

PoF she had to learn to trust her allies again, S4 was mostly about reforging all the old ties of unity, reassuming the role (if not the official rank) of Commander - but she had to work for it. She had to figure out why she believed in this so much, separately from her blind devotion to Trahearne... basically this was a coming-of-age for her, in a sense. Joko helped provide a counter-force that basically asked her: what are you trying to do? Why? Don't you know it's bad for the world? And I think General Almorra and the Vigil helped her re-form more consciously around those ideals (which she'd believed before, but more because she needed something to believe in and less because they were good ideals).

And then, yeah, by IBS she'd learned the same lesson about trusting her allies so many times that she forgot to differentiate between "large organizations" and "one individual with the burden of prophecy" who needed her help and direction.

That one got longish lol.

45. Is your character pragmatic? Think first? Responsible? All action? A visionary? Passionate? Quixotic?

Tiffany Commander greatly tries to be responsible, though she fails sometimes. She definitely tries to think first, and when she can't she scrambles, second-guesses, and doubts herself. For example, I've seen a lot of criticism about some of the lines in PoF where the Commander says "I don't want to kill you" - I feel like a lot of the Balthazar storyline was rather rushed, like the Commander was always re-acting to Balthazar and, despite some on-the-fly conversations with Taimi, never really sat down and had a proper think about it.

Once she has had a proper think about things, though, she can get very passionate. I wouldn't call her a visionary, but she has lots of great ideas!

Eveanin

25. What are their hobbies and interests?

I... honestly don't know. She has Sylvari Commander Syndrome, meaning she was thrown into war before she could really get settled into living yet. After HoT she took some downtime alongside Ridhais until S4-ish, so that's a few solid years of settling into life.

I don't know what she did in those years yet. I imagine they were incredibly formative for her, but you know, she might qualify as a meme character - she's based on my loyalty to Trahearne - and without Trahearne I'm not sure what she does. I might take the various pieces of myself that never made it into Commander's busy life and give those to her (creative writing XD), but I have yet to figure out which of those she gets and how she got them.

34. Does your character feel self-righteous? Revengeful? Contemptuous?

Oof, a bit of a hard one out of context, hey? (...those aren't examples, they're direct questions. A situation is not described). Oh well, I'll do my best!

I wouldn't say she feels any of these as a general mood or vibe.

Well - except for Canach. She sorta vibes with his dripping sarcasm, his constant quips in HoT helped her significantly. If I do much with her character in the future I think Canach'll be involved somehow. Not sure how yet though. But I can absolutely imagine these two potentially ganging up together with twin contemptuous, superior looks and crashing some bar. (In a sibling way, with her trying to mimic her older brother and perhaps failing spectacularly. Maybe this is what Canach was doing after The Head of the Snake lol.)

37. How is your character’s imagination? Daydreaming a lot? Worried most of the time? Living in memories?

I'm... gonna say she has an amazing imagination. Mordremoth took advantage of that some in HoT, painting good mind pictures and convincing her they were real. (It was most effective inside Mordremoth's mind.) I wouldn't say she daydreams much or dwells on the past, and despite her quick foray into adventure and battle, she's never had a super ton of responsibility to weigh her down. She's definitely not a worrier; she's a hoper. I would describe her as a visionary, with hopes and plans for the future and all that.

~oOoOo~

So that's that! Thanks again for these asks, you made me have thoughts about Eveanin, and I need to have those more haha. Also thoughts about my Commander - as you can see, despite my claims that I haven't really developed past HoT/S3, I do have a general sense of my Commander the rest of the time thanks to canon story missions. (Eveanin gets cut off hard though, lol.)

Very, um, character solidifying XD.

Thanks again for the asks!!

[haramheathen]

Hey I saw your comment on a photo I posted. Curious: what made you leave Islam? I've met many converts but don't know any exmuslims yet. PS: to be clear, i don't care to argue about why Islam is the "best" or put you down, just straight up intrigued by your comment and wanting to learn more. Thanks friend!

Hi, thanks for being kind enough to ask instead of automatically sending hostility which is the usual jazz, I’m happy to share why I left, but it’s not really a simple answer because for me personally there are many reasons why. I get this question a lot so i may as well explain in depth. I’m sorry if this answer get’s really long and I also I hope I do not in any way offend you with my reasons why I’ve left Islam, that’s really not my intention at all. I just want to answer your question. I really don’t want to start any kind of debate or anything. Please let’s keep this civil and informative. Anyway here goes :)

Ever since I was a kid I always felt l like there was nothing after death, so the idea of heaven and hell didn’t really make sense to me. I understood that ‘good’ people go to heaven and ‘bad’ people go to hell or good Muslims who obey Allah go to heaven and people who don’t follow Islam and do haram things go to hell, but the concept of some kind of reward system never really made sense to me because I always felt like you shouldn’t have to follow the ‘right’ religion to go to heaven and that everyone should just try to be decent human beings regardless of whatever outcome in the end after we die. 

My grandad is a Hafiz and was a Islamic teacher when he was younger, he taught me to read Arabic when I was around 5 and taught me surah’s and would teach me to read the Quran. Of course as a kid I never really understood what I was reading, I finished the Quran many times but I was only taught how to read arabic, not actually understand it. I’ve always been an open minded person and even as a kid I attended Christian bible studies in primary school which was an optional thing here in some schools in New Zealand. Even as a kid back then those lessons never really made sense to me so when I was around 10 I chose to stop going to them.

When I was around 12 I got another Islamic studies teacher and she gave me a Quran with Arabic and English translation which was awesome. I could finally find meaning and understand all the prayers and things I was reading in the Quran and the more I started to read the English translations the more things didn’t sit well with me, there was a lot I didn’t agree with personally and just didn’t match my personal values and beliefs. I found a lot of things very conflicting. There were things I read that I found to be quite sexist, violent, hateful towards non Muslims, homophobic ect. I was never comfortable with it and I felt like I couldn’t even talk to anyone about it because I’d immediately get hate and abuse for even questioning it.

 My younger sisters, being young would sometimes ask questions questioning some things in Islam and those questions would always get shut down and they’d be diverted or guilt tripped or warmed about hell. I once sorta just asked question questioning something and I was immediately made to feel guilty about even just asking the question. I felt like I never had an option or my own say on what I was allowed to believe I was born Muslim therefore that’s what I was and that had to be my identity whetheri liked it or not sorta thing but I felt like I should be allowed to make my own mind up. I never felt like that was an option for me and even now that I identify as an ex Muslim or atheist i feel like my family will literally disown me for it and it would be literally detrimental to me and my mental health and I would pretty much end up homeless. I don’t feel that’s right. The things the Quran says about apostates and atheists and non believers really don’t sit well with me at all, they are really hateful and violent and I’m fortunate that I live in New Zealand because I know If I was open about these things in an Islamic country the consequences would be bad. 

My family were pretty strict with Islam, but they never forced me to wear Hijab, they gave me the option but I had to dress very modestly growing up and I would be shamed if you could accidentally see a bra strap or something. I would listen to my muslim friends and family shame people who didn’t dress modestly or showed too much skin, but I felt like it was wrong to do that because that’s their body and their choice. It made me uncomfortable that I always had to put on a scarf or was always being told to cover up around men or when grown men would come over because I felt like grown men or men in general shouldn’t look at me that way or a young girl to begin with. I didn’t like all the emphasis put on purity and virginity, it made me uncomfortable, I felt like there was so much more to a women than her hymen and how non virgin women were spoken about like ruined women. I felt like women should be respected no matter what they wear so I found it so conflicting and it just didn’t sit well with me. Growing up with muslim friends, not all of them wanted to wear Hijab, they were forced to by their parents/families so it’s always bothered me how people say it’s a choice because it’s not. It’s pretty sad to see muslim women say it’s a choice because there are muslim and ex muslim women who are forced to wear Hijab and just imagine how they feel specially when you have muslim women really out there enforcing the fact that it’s a choice. 

I would hear family and other muslims say how people who aren’t dressed modestly or showing too much skin are asking for it and it was messed up. I was later sexual assaulted by a guy I was dating. I couldn’t really tell anyone or talk to my family because I know they would blame me for it. It would be my fault for having a boyfriend so it would be my fault that it happened to me. I kept that a secret for years until I talked about it. I’m never gonna tell them something like that because I know i’ll get blamed for it even though I never asked for that to happen. I never dressed overly provocative, not that it even matters. 

I experienced and witnessed quite a bit of ‘religious abuse’ like once our Islamic teacher showed me and my younger sisters who were like 6 and 10 a picture of a decomposing corpse and she told us that’s what happens when you go to hell and do haram things ect. We were always told what it would be like in hell. I once asked my religious teacher if my best friend would go to heaven even though she’s a really good person but not Muslim, and she told me my friend would go to hell because she doesn’t follow Islam and pretty much tried to give me information to convert her which made me uncomfortable. Along with the stuff I read about non believers in the Quran.. it made me more uncomfortable. 

I grew up with abusive parents, my mum was really abusive, mentally, physically, verbally, mentally and I was always told to obey and respect my mum because heaven is under your mothers feet and mothers are very important in Islam ect. My mum isn’t a good person, but she was pretty religious, she would always wear Hijab and stuff but I felt like she was pretty much hiding behind Islam to convince herself and others she’s a good person when she wasn’t. When I was a kid I would pray to Allah every nightbegging and crying to him to please help me and protect me and save me from all the abuse I was getting but let’s be real, nothing ever happened lol. I was a good kid. I prayed, fasted, read the Quran, was modest. And I was really over the idea of it just being a ‘test’ of my devotion and faith to Allah when It was just years of suffering and abuse and nothing happening. It made me think about all the other bad shit happening in the world and other people suffering. I can’t accept that it’s in god’s will or it’s some life lesson or test or whatever, it doesn’t feel right. 

My grandma always says we suffer now and it will be worth it after you die when you go to heaven but I just found that incredibly sad and made no sense to me. I learnt that you gotta work hard to achieve shit in life, you gotta do things and make changes. That’s how I got out of the abuse myself, I left to go live with other family because my mums abuse was too much. My grandparents have been pretty unwell for a long time and in and out of hospital and a lot of it could have been avoided which really gets to me because instead of addressing things when they happen they ‘leave it in Allah’s hands’ or ‘pray’ instead instead of actively doing things to help themselves. My grandad used to do dua on people a lot and make dua water (prayer water) for unwell people ect.. and I understand and respect that people genuinely believe in that and believe in prayer but sometimes you just gotta do things to help yourself you can’t always rely on Allah and watching people loved ones just suffer because they had been taught their lives to just be submissive and obey Allah and pray instead of actively taking action is pretty hard. 

Something that’s always bothered me is that no ones ever really taken me seriously either, like people don’t really take ex Muslims seriously. Muslims just assume you’re lost, misguided, going through a phase or just want to piss off your family ect lol. That’s really not the case. Like yeah, i’ve had a rough childhood and all but that’s not why I’m an ex Muslim, I’ve done my research and been a practicing Muslim, prayed, fasted, read the quran, helped at the mosque ect. it’s our right and our choice and it’s one we consciously make ourselves not because were stupid or lost or under the influence of shaytaan or something lol. 

That kind of comes to the treatment of ex Muslims. The way ex Muslims are treated is another thing, were basically treated like were stupid, the Muslim community pretty much as no respect or empathy for us because we aren’t Muslim anymore.  People literally get killed, disowned, abused for leaving Islam, being gay/lesbian/transgender/bisexual. I can’t sit here and convince myself that it’s a religion of peace knowing what’s written in the Quran and how ex Muslims and how some Muslim women and lgbt Muslims and ex Muslims are treated. I also always found it ironic how converts are welcomed with open arms into Islam but if someone leaves islam they are treated like trash.

It’s hurtful when Muslims get so mad at even the idea of ex Muslims identifying as ex Muslims. Like we can still culturally be Muslims, sometimes it’s not even a choice like, we still have to fast, pray and wear hijab in order to not be disowned and stuff. They say it’s a choice to leave Islam but is it really? If for a majority of us the only choices are being disowned, homeless, abused, dead? That’s why you have a lot of angry ex Muslims, I’m not justifying the ones that get really riled up and hateful. They are probably mourning the fact they lost their childhood being forced to follow something that was never for them and something like that takes a while to accept and grow from. I think it’s important to listen to ex Muslims because that’s how were going to learn to move forward and learn to treat each other better and actually talk about and address issues. Like let’s be real, there are issues in Islam that effect us, whether you’ve left or not, problems with the treatment of Lgbt Muslims and women such.

 These are important things.I could go on to explain other reasons but I’ve already made this post way too long lol. I just really wanted to open and honest. I hope I didn’t offend you, as I said that wasn’t my intention at all and if you have anymore questions I’m happy to answer them the best I can. Of course this is my personal story sort of thing as to why I left, i’m not speaking for all ex Muslims. I do feel its important to listen to our stories though. Thanks for reading this if you made it this far. Cheers :)