#I've just retreated and stopped joining or talking in any servers bc this kind of thing is so prevalent

[ooc-miqojak]

People love to say they support neurodivergent people - but I've found that this is lip service, more often or not, because it requires a lot of patience - and the ability not to assume the worst about a person (especially in a digital space). Every ND person is unique, and has their quirks! But in an online space, I've found that people just tend to assume the worst about you, and kick you/block you/ghost you for your behavior or words, instead of taking the time to have an emotionally mature talk about what happened, and explain why this thing that happened/thing that was said was upsetting or problematic - you're never given the opportunity to explain that you meant no harm. Many of these people, in my case, I've spoken to at length when I was getting to know them about how important communication is - if I've said or done something upsetting, I can't read your mind! I have to know, before I can amend things, and adjust my behavior.

Sometimes I'm oblivious to what I've said/done, because my 'normal' is different. For instance, I love to debate - not argue - but debate. It's interesting to see others' POV! Variety is the spice of life after all, and if we all had the same beliefs and outlooks, that would be boring! But for some reason, most people seem to see a debate as an emotional argument? It's as though you can't disagree - not even respectfully - without people assuming you're angry or mad or attacking them. I don't understand people who get intensely emotionally invested in these debates (when they're not about typical hot button topics, as I don't do religious/political debates) - to me it's like a football player claiming someone on the opposing team was legitimately attacking them, not tackling them as a normal part of the game.

But I also don't engage in 'sub-text' as many neurotypicals do, either - to me, it's not only a waste of time, but a quick way to end up tangled in miscommunication. I say what I mean, and I tell people this... and they'll still apply some hidden meaning to it that is entirely fabricated... then get angry at me for sub-text that isn't really there. (When I was reprimanded in an online space earlier this year, I kept asking what I did wrong... and got told that I was arguing by asking what I was being scolded for/why I was being condescended to.)

ADHD people are regularly called 'passionate' - so much so that I almost want to roll my eyes when I hear it, now... but it remains a decent word to explain, for neurotypical people, our seemingly 'over the top' behaviors - be they positive or negative. And I've had people online assume I'm mad, or attacking them... when I'm just excited... or "passionate." Emotional dysregulation can be hell - some compare it to a car with no brakes. Normal people apply the brakes before the words come out - ADHDers lack those brakes. It means I try to be hyper aware, instead, and apply the Fred Flinstone brakes. I don't always catch myself, either - and in-person/on voice chat, this can result in things that seem rude - like interrupting others; but this isn't meant to be rude, and I don't realize I've done it! I'm excitable, and with the way ADHD works, I feel as though I have to get this comment out before I forget it! If I have to hold onto this thought, I'll either forget it, or spend the entire time the other person is talking trying to hold onto that thought, and miss what's said. But other people just tend to assume I'm being rude by interrupting - so I told a friend I upset this way that he's allowed to notify me in some manner when I've done this - because I don't want to be rude! I don't want to steamroll a conversation - and sometimes I need a gentle reminder that I've done so. I often jokingly compare myself to a jumpy golden retriever - I love people! But no one really wants a big dog jumping all over them, even if the dog means well - sometimes you have to say 'down', and the dog will stop jumping! They just forgot not to do this unwanted behavior because they were so excited!

Emotional dysregulation to me is like my emotions are a volume dial on a radio that was cranked way too high, and the dial broke off. The volume is permanently too loud - which is great when I'm happy, and devastating when I'm sad. But I don't get to turn them down, either way - the volume is stuck at max.

So yeah, sometimes people online need a little grace - a little patience, and for others not to jump to the worst possible assumption. Your normal isn't the same as everyone else's normal, and you might have to take extra time to understand where someone is coming from, and what they meant. Sometimes you might need to explain something that seems obvious to you, but it isn't to someone else. Sometimes that 'rude' thing that happened wasn't at all intended to be upsetting/rude, and talking to the person who said/did that thing can clear the air, and they can apologize and note that this is something they should not do or say, or that they should be more aware of.

Sometimes, the dog is just jumpy and excitable - not aggressive.