#I've had to peel myself just to glimpse at what lies beneath and I DONT UNDERSTAND
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How do people do this career thing. I'm gonna cry
#I don't understand why this is happening to me#I was so sure of path in stem and now I'm so conflicted#how do you choose this thing and why is it so painful#I've had to peel myself just to glimpse at what lies beneath and I DONT UNDERSTAND#why is it so tough#why can't someone just tell me what to do#I literally have body ache thinking about this#and this is all I think about#maybe physics just isn't for me? but I've spent so much of my life in it's service#maybe I was just overcompensating so that I could convince myself that I did love physics when it was just the attention I got from my#family when I was reading that hawking book something that I've always craved. they saw me as somebody worth something finally. I wasn't#the dumb sibling anymore. I was the one with the unconventional career choice?#I was the one who wanted to study physics. the stuff of people's “nightmares”#I was in the 8th grade. How do you recover from that.#who am I?? what do I want??? outside of my family's expectations and impositions??? I've set and worked for this impossible fantasy of me#becoming an astroparticle physicist and I don't think I love it. I wouldn't give myself up for it. I wouldn't sacrifice myself or my friends#or my family for it. maybe I've just been doing well because I've had to work hard. I work harder than all of the other people in my classdo#for a pretty average position#maybe I'm wrong but what if I'm right??? what if I'm going in the wrong direction??
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