#I've had an ed for over 5 years I've been casually suicidal for like 10 years. also this happened during important formative years
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I've spent too much time on the verge of suicide to be here today
#suicide tw#that's genuinely embarrassing#why haven't I done it yet. what am I staying here for#the truth is that I am a hopeful person deep inside and I want a decent future#I don't want to die in misery without ever knowing anything different#but the realistic part of me knows that I will never live a peaceful life#my hope is built on the fact that much of my misery stems from my environment and therefore I think that leaving will make me happy#and there is so much truth to that. I would be happier in different circumstances#but that doesn't change the lifetime of abuse and social isolation that has fundamentally damaged me as a person#I will carry the past with me wherever I go and it's impossible for me to escape#I will never be someone that was equipped to function in society and that is no fault of mine but I alone carry the burden#which really upsets me. why is my life ruined over someone else's choices? it's so easy to destroy someone#and so I know I will never truly change#I've had an ed for over 5 years I've been casually suicidal for like 10 years. also this happened during important formative years#I'm never gonna be mentally healthy. why do I keep holding on to the future#I wanna do something drastic#I wanna cut people out of my life. like past friends that are somewhat current#I'm easy to take advantage of bc I'm so lonely and desperate for a friend#and I wanna stop talking to the people that don't value me bc I know they don't care and it makes me sad all the time#but the problem is that I am desperate for a friend. and I don't wanna lose anyone even if they are shitty#unfortunately I still love them even if they don't care about me#that's so pathetic tbh but I can't help it. I love everyone#Sera
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