#I've found that not searching for the dopamine can help

[thissliceofnonsense]

Oh I feel this so much. Why can't the hyperfixations last loonnnggeeer.... at least let me FINISH WATCHING IT! *growls*

The only hyperfixation I've had longer than a week or two (a month at longest) is rottmnt, which still gives me happy chemicals from time to time, yeee.

Currently in a hyperfixation over the Promised Neverland, so I hope that lasts long enough for me to finish reading the pirated manga (won't watch season two, but season one was AMAZING).

Ugh nooo all my hyperfixation stopped, they don't burn me anymore and I am all cold and sad inside😭

[for-kelsey]

The Layers of Love.

After having a conversation with you, we both agreed that my writings have been becoming repetitive. I can't help it, there are many things about you that I want to focus on. Your love, your kindness, your sexuality, your beauty, and many more. I think there's something profound in the surface-level beauties that I can bask in, soak in. However, there are times, like these, when going deep and searching within me is what's right.

You said to me, this morning, that you wanted to ask me more questions, to learn about me deeply. I'm here to oblige and answer what big questions you may have for me; what's most important to me. I've come to realize, over a very short period of time, that you're most important to me. These spurring feelings inside of me have never happened before, and they've existed since the seeds of our friendship were planted. Let me explain.

Why do I love you? I could reel off a list of your lovely attributes that I fancy, or perhaps write forty-four sonnets about your absolute beauty, but that's not enough; it conveys parts of you that I love, but it won't explain why. No, rather, it's in the profound trust we have in one another, how we understand what each other needs as often as we feasibly can, and how we demonstrate our feelings for one another. There are so many layers to love that you and I have already broken through. I think it helps to draw upon the Greek layers of love, in this case.

Eros: the passionate, burning, sexual love. While this isn't the first aspect of love that we found, we've certainly grown into it. The flickering of our eyes meeting during a fateful night and riding high on our ambitions. We surprised each other with our prowess and were immediately in trouble. "I'm in danger..." It's the breathtaking, burning fire type of love that's within us. You and I breathe this fire, claw upon it with our nails, and actively wish to torment each other's bodies until they collapse into a sweating puddle. We're set on making each other finish until not another finger can be laid upon us. We purchase kink toys, torture each other with mental images during work, and generally make life hard for one another. I love this part of you because it's the desire that you have deep in the pit of your stomach, it yearns for something in me that will knock your dopamine receptors to the ground. I want you to burn for me, as you well know that I burn for you. This is the love that will keep me inventing: spontaneity! I want to have this level of fun with you for a lifetime.

Philia: the affectionate, friendly love. This is where we've thrived for years. It's soul bonds and where we find trust; this type of love has existed in us since the start. How our absolutely crazy relationship started in Macro Theory makes sense because of this; we trusted each other then, and we do now. I think, for the longest time, you've been honest with who you are; an open book. Your willingness to try and see the true value in others is why you and I have achieved philia together, and I have to thank you for that. It's rare that you find someone who you can trust with every thought you've ever had, let alone fall in love with that person. Philia is how I feel about you at all times; when you're feeling down, when you're sick, when you develop a new bruise, achieve your physical goals, do well at work, and have fun during a night out; I want what's best for you. It's innate, I don't have to think about it twice. I want you to thrive, truly, and I know that's philia. In history, philia is often born our of eros, but for us eros came from philia. To me, this is a stronger bond than most and is often why I say philosophers, writers, and artists will never be able to exactly capture why we love one another so dearly. They often found love in the former sense, not in our sense. This platonic, meaningful, and sweet love between us is essential, and I appreciate it each day.

Storge: familial, one-sided love. This is a love we haven't had much of a chance to explore, yet. While you see familial and think, "oh, this is about being a family with children"... yes and no. It's derived from one-sided love, typically in a family, but it's related to philia without the expectation of reciprocation. When we say that we'd go to war for each other, do what's needed to ensure each other's safety, that's storge. It doesn't matter what happens to us, it's about the other. I think that's beautiful in its own right. Storge is also a comfort type of love; that ease of being goofy and casual, not having to worry or dress it up, fits here, too. I'd argue that we're building on this idea of love, and the building blocks come from within... it's not based on me kissing you a million times, but rather when I look over at you while you're working and say "I'd do everything in the world to make you happy".

Agape: unconditional, universal love. This is the one you know best, from books at least. This is selfless love, and is the hardest to achieve. This is not love that we share between each other, but rather love that we extend outwardly. The example that I'd love to showcase is when we took a walk together on that trail. We were enjoying each other's company, but our aura was shining outwardly and radiating positivity toward others. I remember those two ladies commenting on us! I believe that you practice agape well and are trying to further yourself in it. You wish to understand others better, deeper, than what they're willing to share initially. You want to truly know someone, and I believe that's beautiful. In history, this is the hardest love to sustain, and may take a toll on the individual who wishes to wield it. When you recharge, have your own downtime, is when I see you retreat from agape. It's not that you lose a level of love, but rather focus inward to, once again, grace the world with your presence. I find enjoyment in seeing you grow, watching you make waves in others' lives. You're a local legend, a yoga-barn-loving fool, and have a lasting impact on everyone you speak to. Your understanding of agape has existed since the beginning of time, and it's something in you that I truly admire; perhaps one of the most important aspects of your character that I value. Your effortless handling of this type of love, and willingness to grow further into it, is commendable as it is gorgeous. Please, never give this idea up.

Ludus: the flirtatious, playful love. Ludus is where that easy, breezy, beautiful (covergirl HA) love exists. Most people tend to think of this love as the love that causes a crush or a fling, but I think it works hand-in-hand with eros. The spontaneous flirtation that we have, the fun that we get in chasing each other around the kitchen and frolicking to records in the living room... that's ludus. It's the love that feels fun and funky, the love that makes us enter a room and do those things with our hands like we're interprative dancers! It's the lightweight type of love that makes us want to dance in fields, dress in specific outfits for the laughs, and put pens atop of our lips. Silly geese, that's what we are. I'd argue that you and I have found ourselves in ludus for many years without a crush on each other. We've always been down for whatever, ready to go and experience life, and want to do a million things with our endless energy! Recently, we've been toning it down as we realize we need to sleep and enjoy in each other's company, but the sentiment remains, and I'm so glad that it does. Ludus, to me, represents the ease in loving you. It feels natural and enjoyable, and bleeds into everything that we stand for. It's why we're a bright couple!

Pragma: the committed, long-lasting kind of love. Ah, here's where we are now! Did we think we'd make it here when we became friends? Fuck no! I realized this in December, and so did you. How complex and difficult it was to understand at first, that I had fallen for my close friend and didn't wish to lose you. The fallout, the redemption, the deep love that we have for one another. If we can make it through that, we can make it through anything. This level of commitment in me is something I've never had before. I just want you, only you, forever. Be mine. I'll do anything in this world to be with you, to love you until the world ends and then further; until we return to the stars. Pragma is more than this, however, and it's where we are now. It's the deep questions, learning about what each other wants, compromise, determination, and more; it's where couples really start to work with one another. I'm glad that you're open with me as I am with you, and wish to learn about me deeper; this is where pragma trumps agape in a relationship; you're not only wishing the best for me, you wish to know me inside and out. You'll grow with me here in the way that I will with you. When we're looking back on our time together, sipping on coffee at 65 in our Parisian-style estate, it's pragma that will have brought us there. I'm looking forward to this journey with you.

Philautia: self-love. This love is considered equally as difficult as agape, and loads more important. Without self-love, we cannot love others. You and I love ourselves, and we understand self-love differently. It's important that we have this time for ourselves, to develop on our own and experience life in our own regard, before sharing in it with each other. Our breathwork journey is a great example of this; we went together but had the ceremony for ourselves, knowing that we were just inches away if we needed each other. I like keeping a part of you with me. No matter how far away we spend from each other, working on ourselves to ensure that we're happy with our own beings, you're still with me. However, philautia demands respect, time, and attention. Taking moments for myself, like writing this prose on the levels of love, is philautia to me; I feel healed being able to express how we love each other through the lens of historic, hopeless romanticism. Perhaps I'll write about my heart longing for you again, or why I think we'll last a million years, how I think your soul is the gift that heaven graced on earth, and more. All of the music, laying on the carpet and listening, is healing to me. I love taking what you give to me and processing it for myself, learning something new within me and coming to understand it. The world around me is teaching me, and I'm glad that I have you to help guide me into new directions where I can process my own emotions. I know that I can love you because I've learned to love myself.

Being with you for eternity is exciting when we've already touched upon the essentials of love so early in our lives. We're meant for each other, truly.

I love you, Kelsey.

[apogee-gd4]

Writing Initiative #2

Considering what I've have learned from the process of critique.

Describe 2–3 specific strengths and weaknesses your classmates found in your work and their reasons for identifying them.

Strengths: My classmates found that my 2D print helped to define my word quite well based on the concept of addiction and searching for an unachievable high or euphoria. They felt this to be true based on a composition that is not only visually representative of neural pathways and dopamine, but also the chaotic nature of the print. It feels almost hard to look at and focus in on.

Weakness: My classmates did feel that my print fell a little bit flat because it is lacking depth. I wanted the unidentifiable face in my 2D print to have the feeling of falling. However, the way that I have formatted my print gives the illusion that everything is on the same plane, so this feeling of falling is not fully achieved.

I also had some issues with the quality of my print in that the colours were not as bright as I had hoped, and no longer reflect the image of the neuro-pathways and dopamine chemicals that I was trying to replicate. I now need to explore other printing options that will help me achieve depth, and brighter colours.

How might this feedback inform your thinking/making going forward? Describe 1–2 specific ways your classmates have informed how you might begin to tackle one of the other assignments (3D, 4D, Experimental, Reflective Piece).

Moving forward, I need to be deliberately thinking about I can elevate dimensionality in my work. I will need to consider how I might include layers, different colors, and even texture in my work to give it a better sense of depth.

The next assignment I would like to tackle is the 4D piece. I believe paying attention to how I can create an experience of depth that moves the viewer into a focused landscape is most important.

[sonicenvy]

number one thing that I've discovered about myself that suuuucks:

Turns out that I can't responsibly watch TV, Movies, YT, or like, videos in general. Watching videos, especially TV, Movies and YT, like fucking WIRES my brain in some weird goddamn way, no matter what time of day I watch. When I watch this stuff I can't stop unless something pressing comes up, and when I do, I get twitchy thinking about when I can go back to doing it. I can't sleep at night whenever I've watched videos. Sometimes I spiral into weeks of obsession if It's TV or movies. I can't do anything else if these things are on, as long as they are on. It starts to interfere with my ability to do anything else in my life. It sucks because, like, I like watching TV, movies and YT, but I can't do it. Like I really can't do it anymore, because it turns out that it is literally, just like objectively bad for me. It quickly becomes an addictive behavior that I struggle to break that takes over my life whenever I cave and do it because I can't moderate my behavior. I don't know what to do about it, but I suspect that this problem is largely influenced by a few key factors:

I am predisposed to addiction and obsession because of bipolar and adhd, my brain is just, Like That™, mostly for the worse ughhh. This is why I've never drunk alcohol or done recreational drugs. Multiple relations of mine became alcoholics, probably because they too suffered from similar mental health problems. Anyways.

We didn't have a TV in our house when I was growing up and we didn't have console or handheld video games and we weren't really allowed to watch movies outside of the one movie we got by mail per week from Netflix that we watched as a family and occasional outings to the movie theater (which for sensory reasons is usually unfun for me boooo). Because of this, I quickly found that I was obsessed with watching it whenever I was away from home (ie: at hotels, a cousin's house, a friend's house etc). I was probably annoying about it in retrospect lmaoooo.

Story or informational content in general wires the fuck out my brain. I think about it, I analyze it, I write fanfiction about it, I do art over it, I write literary criticism about it, I write meta, I delve into research spirals reading wikipedia articles, downloading academic papers from jstor and finding books. In short, I get somewhat mentally consumed by it. This was true of me and reading books as a child. There was a reason that I obsessively read upwards of 20 300+ page books per week as a child. It didn't help that I was a lonely kid with almost no friends and zero social skills, who was struggling with mental health problems I lacked resources, vocabulary and help for. When I read books, for a few hours, I could forget about myself entirely. I became all of the characters in the story, and completely disassociated from my own person. I lost myself in the worlds I read about. It was an easy way to feel better when I couldn't do it for myself in my uncontrollable mind and body. Cheap dopamine I guess.

I struggle to set boundaries with most behaviors in my life. It's extremely difficult for me to set a book I've started reading down until I've finished it. I'm extremely all or nothing (which is a side effect of the adhd brain and the lived experience of violent mood swings that leave me either hyped on energy and ascendant or so depressed I can't eat or get out of bed). When something makes me feel good I struggle to stop because there is always the (somewhat real) fear in the back of my mind that I will loose the good feeling. I try to pack all of my productivity, creativity and activity into the good times, which almost always burns me out. When I hit burnout, I'm searching for more steam to get back to the energy of Feeling Good™. TV and movies are free, cheap happy chemicals that require no effort. I'm sometimes addicted to that feeling because in the moment I forget my stress, my burnout, my hurt, whatever else sucks. But the moment it's over, I'm right back to feeling bad, it's a plunge downward that leaves me empty and wanting. i want to go back. It's hard not to. Whenever I feel good, when it ends, like punishment, I feel dreadful. Never ending cycle of up and down. People who don't have bipolar are sooo goddamn lucky actually. Be grateful every day if you don't have this cursed, disabling mood disorder.

tldr; Watching TV, Movies or YT is bad for me, and for now, until I figure out how to moderate my behaviours and disconnect some, I have to abstain. It sucks. I hate it here. Fuck bipolar disorder and fuck adhd.

[digitalsobrietyblog]

Productivity: Embrace "Good enough"

~~ 8/11/2022 ~~

Warning: Long post ahead; TLDR is that you should settle on a single system that doesn't take too much time or effort to keep up, and then just stick with it even if it's not perfect. The goal is to do quality work, not optimize an arbitrary system.

~~

What I'm going to talk about in this blog might seem obvious to some of you, but I've personally struggled with it as someone who grew up with technology and generally has a huge love and appreciation for it. This is for my fellow tech nerds that have found themselves struggling with productivity and procrastination in the search for "the perfect productivity system".

First, a little bit of context: I've always considered myself a nerd, I love reading and learning new things like most people here. I also always loved notetaking and studying, which led me to the "study tips" circles of YouTube years ago. As I grew up and my responsibilities expanded beyond what was required of me in school and university, I naturally wandered into the "productivity gurus" sphere thanks to the all-mighty power of the YouTube recommendations algorithm. I fell down the rabbit-hole of trying to find the perfect productivity tool to manage all my tasks. I've tried so many apps and software - Asana, Trello, Figma, Todoist, TickTick, TeuxDeux, Google Keep and Calendar, and so much more. I've done time-blocking, pomodoro and bullet journaling. I went through so many daily, weekly, monthly and yearly calendars. I've done both digital and analog calendars and planners. I've done it all. Nothing worked, and nothing stuck for more than a week. Ultimately, nothing changed, except I wasted a whole load of time.

Now, that isn't to say that you might not be successful in your search, and I don't want to discourage you from trying to improve your productivity system. BUT, I want to remind you that you should be realistic in your search, and to keep your end goal in mind - doing great work. It took me many years and a lot of wasted time to learn this lesson, because it's way too tempting to assume that you're only one tip away from completely transforming your productivity. It's not my fault, and neither is it yours if you feel this way - it's the fault of advertisers and savvy marketers whose goal is to make their latest and shiniest new productivity app popular.

So, remember: no tool or system is going to transform your productivity. That part is on you. What will produce results is setting up a system that isn't in your way. What does that mean?

It means you should craft a system that won't take too much brainpower or input to work. To achieve this, the system needs to be based on your average day. It naturally follows that you shouldn't blindly copy what others are doing (although getting ideas is fun and can be helpful), because they've optimized for their own specific needs.

I'll give you a few examples from my personal journey of uncovering the system that worked for me:

Project management apps like Asana weren't a good fit for me because they required way too much thinking and planning on my end. I'd also always need to stop what I'm doing to look up what I'm working on and what still needs to be done

To-Do apps like Todoist encouraged me to write down tasks after completing them just to get the dopamine hit of checking things off a list

I struggled with focusing with most digital tools because of the distractions and the inherent restrictions (either too many or too little functionality)

Preparing a bullet journal took too much of my time and just didn't feel right for me

As you can see, I was being very picky. I eventually got lost in trying to find the "perfect" system. I'd get bothered by any little inconvenience and I'd figure that I should continue my search. Meanwhile, my assignments kept piling up.

How did I fix it?

I'm a big fan of Cal Newport's books, and I was listening to his podcast one day. He was answering a viewer's question on productivity and why he doesn't use a To-Do app to manage his tasks, because writing things down in a paper planner takes longer. He responded with "I'm not in the business of saving those extra few seconds. I want to do quality work over a long period of time." I'm paraphrasing here (wish I remembered which podcast episode it was so I could link it), but those words finally made something click in my mind.

I went to my local book store and immediately bought a weekly paper calendar. I decided there and then that that, along with a blue and black pen, would be my productivity system from now on. Blue is for writing work tasks, black is for personal tasks. Here's how it looks:

Not exactly what I'd call the "cutting edge of technology" haha. P.S. I can't show the filled-in pages because they're full of work stuff that's under an NDA, sorry!

This purchase was made on July 17th, 2022. Today is November 8th, 2022. This has been the most consistent productivity system I've ever had. I kept wondering why it worked so well, and here's what I think:

It's simple. It doesn't get any simpler than a pen and paper. No learning curve. Just write words and cross them out.

It's not a distraction. Planning with iPads is so fun. So, so fun. It's pleasant and it makes you feel important. But it's so easy to get distracted doing it because you're always one swipe away from the good stuff of your device. Separate paper planner does one thing. You're not going to be browsing through your old to-do lists and work tasks for fun (take a walk if you're that desperate!!!). It's boring and that's what makes it awesome.

It's flexible. I bought an A5 size planner because I found that to be the perfect size for me. I have enough space to write out a couple of tasks per day without it feeling overwhelming. Plus, paper planners are great because you can scribble, add, stick, snap, rip etc. etc. If there's something I need to jot down quickly, I'll grab a sticky note and pop it onto the current day/week page. You can't do that with an iPad (imagine sticking a physical sticky note on your iPad and walking around with it haha). There are digital sticky notes within planning apps but they always take way too much time to set up, which defeats the whole purpose of quick-access sticky notes.

It's reliable. When I was buying the planner, I immediately envisioned that it'd be placed in the top-right corner of my desk, open and always ready for notes. I don't have to run around the house trying to find it. It's always there.

It feels good. Nothing beats grabbing a real pen and watching the shiny ink dry under the desk light. Crossing tasks off my physical list feels like I earned it. There's something special and satisfying about how every cross-off/tick is unique: sometimes the line gets a little wavy, sometimes you're in a hurry, and sometimes it's absolutely perfect. You can't replicate that personality in a digital app that does the same animation every time you complete a task.

It's good enough. It's reliable and lets me remember what I need to do. I don't need all the bells and whistles. It works for >80% of my requirements, and makes me complete tasks. What else do I really need?

All in all, I love this planner with a passion. It's great, and it's amazingness partially comes from the fact that I'm not taking it too seriously. If I mess something up, I won't freak out. My OCD is being kept in check. I'm chilling.

I used this calendar for months, until one day I decided to start going out more. I started looking up local events on a bunch of websites, and I started signing up for them. I realized that my little paper planner would not be the ideal choice for signing up and keeping track of events that I've signed up for digitally. So, I decided to hit up my old buddy Structured (www.structured.app, not affiliated, just love the product).

I bought it a year ago or so for a flat fee of 5 euros, and I loved it because it offered something I'd always looked for in a planning app - to do lists incorporated into a calendar, but structured like a time-blocking system (quite a demand, I know). Plus, I'd already bought it, so why not use it? Here is how a day schedule looks in the app:

I synced it with my iOS calendar and iCloud so that I can also see the schedule on my iPad. It's a simple app that just works. I either just add a new event manually in a few clicks or it syncs automatically via my iCal.

I value work-life balance a lot, so I've decided to create a boundary between my day-job task planning and my personal life planning. That way, when I close my physical planner, I know work is done. I don't look at my Structured app during work, it's just set as a huge block of time called "Work" and I don't plan for anything else during that. Once the workday ends, I close the planner and start looking at my Structured app to see what's happening and I what I want to do for the rest of the day.

This is a system that works for me, and I hope it inspires you to think about your values, your life circumstances, and what feels the best for you. Sometimes introducing a new tool works. Sometimes it doesn't. The key is to choose something that does the job (helping you plan and complete high quality work), and stick with it. Don't actively try to find faults in the system.

Embrace "good enough" and you'll find peace.

[gladiatortale]

Therapeutic Fandom Obsessions Round 2: ELECTRIC BUGALOO 🎉🎉 ...with some MAJOR edits lol

EDIT: oh what a fucking STORY THIS ONE IS. so. I had every intention in the universe of posting this in January like I did last year... but my partner at the time happened to read (as you'll see down below) the lil "life updates" section over my shoulder and THAT is how he found out I have been (still am??) questioning my gender identity.

It was not a conversation I was ready to have with him/ wanted to have with him (which maybe should have been a bigger red flag... BUT I DIGRESS), and it began a six month winding path to the collapse of our relationship. Was this the only thing? No. Did it, in conjunction with the fights we both had and weren't having (it was weird...), become what did us in in the end? Yeah. Little bit.

I was in a swirl of emotions from the time the conversation happened until the break up, and I'm still in a bit of a swirl now. But I'm doing better. Feeling more myself than I have in a while, and being forced to FEEL my emotions and not lean on/ focus on someone else's emotions (AND BOY HOWDY is my brain fucking LOUD without a good distraction). I've found some "good distractions" in the last six months, but mostly found joy the company of friends and their phenomenal support. I'll fill you in on all that nonsense next year (or in January because this is the halfway point lol) so stay tuned for part three! ;) But INDUDGE ME FRIENDS. Pretend we're still in January with my fandom recaps! And I hope you find some joy in my blast from the past xxx

END EDIT.

hellooooOOOOOO EVERYONE!! Thought you'd seen the last of these posts from me?? THINK AGAIN.

Is it a little late to be posting a New Year's post? MAYBE. Did my partner come to visit and it took up all my attention because I missed him more that words could say??? ALSO MAYBE. lol

But I guess you can call this my official decision to make this an annual thing. *shrugs*

Well. What a fucking year. Somehow someway my mental health (are we even allowed to say that on here anymore???) has improved this year. Don't get me wrong. I'm still a hopeless insomniac, and you could practically set your calendar by the cycles of my seasonal depression. But somehow, in spite of all that, I've actually made strides toward feeling better.

MINI RECAP.

I moved to California to take care of my grandmother (and she managed to take care of me in ways I never expected).

I'm finally moving forward with a diagnosis (still up in the air on what the fuck is going on BUT HEY. PROGRESS).

Had an (ongoing) gender crisis that was NOT FUN to deal with so late in the game... but still glad it happened.

I found a job I really enjoy in a field I've always wanted to get in to.

And perhaps most importantly, I've reframed the way I think about from "getting better" to "feeling better." --- Said this last year, but I don't think whatever is going on upstairs is something I'll really ever truly "heal" from. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't try and make myself feel better.

And between the little ways (reframing my phrasing and thinking), to the much bigger shit (facing my fears around doctors, diagnoses, and medicine), I've made progress I can be proud of this year.

And perhaps my hyper fixations are only salve and bandaids on top of much bigger wounds, but they (AND THE BLESSED AND BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE THAT ENJOYED THEM WITH ME) helped me get through a tough year.

So I hope everyone that's reading this found some joy in 2021 and will find so much more of it in 2022. And hey, if you're looking for a rabbit hole to fall down in search of some dopamine... this list this always here, and I'm ALWAYS around to chat ;)

SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, PLEASE ENJOY MY OBSESSIONS OF 2021 🎉🎉

January 2021 -- Bungou Stray Dogs (Anime/Manga)

DAMN DANIEL BACK AT IT AGAIN???? (Did I just bring a vine reference into a post from 2021? Yes. Yes. I did.) but LORD IN HEAVEN, I'M BACK ON MY BULLSHIT.

STORYTIME. In November of last year, I managed to drag @idancewiththefairies down the anime rabbit hole with me and she wanted some recommendations for Top Tier shows after finishing Yuri!!! On Ice. I tossed Bungou Stray Dogs in her general direction and the rest is history.

HOLY HELL did my fandom obsession come back with a burning passion. The flame was FULLY reignited and I'm so glad it was.

Joined the fandom: April 2020

Obsession peaked: I *THOUGHT* it peaked in 2020, but that was NOTHING compared to January 2021.

Fandom friends: @idancewiththefairies hi ;) xxx, @lil-1nsane, @aeriamamaduck -- I've managed to kidnap all the usual suspects...

Fanfics you NEED to read:

'The Shinigami' by @cataclysmicevent2019 -- Supernatural Yakuza AU. She was already the unprecedented QUEEN of BSD and Soukoku fics in my mind and had earned my undying loyalty... AND HOLY HELL THIS FIC just reinforced that even more. Desperately waiting for this one to finish updating.

'Always Yours' by @cataclysmicevent2019 -- ABO period piece with arranged marriage(s). God bless Rachel and her eternal undying patience to put up with me as she waited a million fucking years for me to finish this fic. AAAAAHHHHHHHH. HOW DID YOU DO THAT??? oh man oh man oh man. This fic is a DOOZY. Lures you in with a false sense of security and then breaks your fucking neck with chapter 6. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED AND YOU WILL LOVE IT.

Favourite moments:

Pacing back and forth in my aunt's garden (and getting a nasty sunburn) for hours voice noting with Rachel around fan theories and fanfiction recs.

Finally getting in to the manga -- and boy HOWDY did I REALLY get in to it (RIP my wallet).

Commissioning one of my favourite artists to do a piece for one of my favourite fanfics -- THIS MASTERPIECE if you haven't seen it already.

March 2021 -- Violet Evergarden (Anime/Movie)

Full disclosure. I don't cry at movies. I just don't. Honestly wish I could, you all make it sound so therapeutic. BUT THIS SHOW. oooooOOOOHHHHOO LORD. THIS FUCKING SHOW. TO SAY I WAS UNPREPARED FOR HOW THIS WAS GONNA MAKE ME FEEL IS THE UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR.

Violet Evergarden had been floating through my Netflix recommendations for nearly two years by the time I decided to pick it up this past March. BRILLIANT DECISION this is one of those shows that is FULLY worth the hype.

And KYO ANI, stunningly gorgeous as always. Watching any one of their beautifully animated shows from pre-arson attack days is always tinged with a touch of melancholy, but it is nice to think the animators live on through their art if even in a small way.

Go watch it if you haven't; the message is timeless, the world building and character development are both stunning, with an art style that is simply out of this world.

Joined the fandom: March 2021

Obsession peaked: Around the same time -- this was a fast and fierce love affair.

Fandom friends: Aileen xxx

Fanfics you NEED to read: SEND ME YOUR RECS IF YOU KNOW ANY GOOD ONES.

Favourite moments:

EPISODE TEN. HOLY HELL IN A HAND BASKET. Can you call a borderline trauma response a favourite moment??? idk brah but it was soooo good. Literally had to watch the end like three times bc I kept crying and missing the subtitles...

Catching up with the show in time to watch the final movie in the cinema (in a rare moment when the pandemic was a bit more mild... what a hopeful time lol).

FINALLY getting my non-anime friend into the medium with this show (and making her cry at the same part as me).

March 2021 -- Figure Skating (Sport)

At the risk of this list becoming just the same as 2020's recap... here is the SECOND fandom to make a reappearance!

I don't think my love for this sport is ever really going to dwindle or die, but it certainly has had its moments when it's shone brighter and March 2021 was definitely one of them.

I got myself up at ASS CRACK O'CLOCK in the morning on the day of worlds (and then again like three weeks later for WTT) to scream in silence as the sun came up and I FREAKED OUT ABOUT THAT RESULT (hooooLEEEE MOTHER I did NOT see that one coming).

Joined the fandom: Childhood. 'Tis one of my oldest fandoms. Obsession peaked: (re)peaked in March of 2021. Fandom friends: HARUKA YOU QUEEN. Thank you for staying up/ waking up to chat with me xxx Fanfics you NEED to read: NONE ABOUT REAL PEOPLE NOOOOO THANK YOU. Favourite moments:

Live reacting and Instagram story-ing to World's at ASS CRACK O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING (thank you California and your ridiculous timezone).

Kaori and her stunning Matrix skate at all times this season but ESPECIALLY at Team Trophy.

Ranting with Rachel as always ;) xx

April 2021 -- Demon Slayer (Anime/Movie)

Sandra my dear. I should never doubt your recs (and yet somehow I'm still dragging my feet on FMAB...) BUT THIS TIME. I ACTUALLY TOOK YOUR ADVICE IN A TIMELY FASHION. Best decision of 2021.

OOOOOH THE ANGST. OOOOOOOOOH THE ANIMATION (!!!). I was not prepared for how this show was gonna fucking WRECK me. Walked into it thinking, "hmmm, monster-of-the-week-shounen. how bad could it be?"

BAD. VERY BAD. SO VERY BAD. but also SOOOO FUCKING GOOD. If season two and Mugen Train haven't made you hop on the bandwagon at this point idk what will. But believe me when I say this is FAR from your run-of-the-mill action/monster shounen.

Joined the fandom: April 2021

Obsession peaked: Almost immediately after.

Fandom friends: PAULIUS MA BOIIII, @aeriamamaduck thank you Sandra xxx.

Fanfics you NEED to read: Some how I haven't gotten around to this fandom yet, but I know it's coming.

Favourite moments:

Driving down the 405 and singing along to 'Gurenge' on full blast after watching Mugen Train (I NEEDED A PLACE FOR MY FEELINGS TO GO.)

Managing to stay spoiler free for TWO YEARS... but then seeing a spoiler on a Gigguk video THAT DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH DEMON SLAYER. still salty...

Eating my words on this being an overhyped shounen. Sometimes it feels great to be wrong.

May 2021 -- Fruits Basket (Anime)

oh my babies how i've fucking missed you... WAY BACK IN THE YESTERYEAR OF THE ANIME DARK AGES (lol) when your lil bean was just getting in to anime, this title came up CONSTANTLY on "must watch lists." And while I feel like I eventually learned the plot through osmosis without ever sitting down to watch the full thing.

FAST FORWARD TO MARCH OF 2021. I am hit by the sudden unexplained urge to fucking RAWDOG one of the most traumatic scenes in shojo anime (perhaps all of anime) with no build-up, no foreplay. Yes, season 1, episode 24 (WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING???)

FAST FORWARD AGAIN TO LATE APRIL OF 2021. I am pulled head-fucking-first into the orbit of a fandom I'd been skating around for nearly a decade and I have ZERO regrets. The anime broke my heart and put it back together again all at once, a GORGEOUS and fitting end to the Furuba saga.

Joined the fandom: idk brah... somewhere in my past??? Feels like I was kind of always there in some way.

Obsession peaked: May 2021. I could not fucking shut up about it.

Fandom friends: Raneen. Thank you for you stunning edits my dear.

Fanfics you NEED to read:

'I'll Be Standing By You' by Eboni -- Cancer Death Fic. OHHHH MAAAAAN. I read the tags. I often actively CHOOSE death fics. I knew what I was getting in to. *inhale* BUT HOLY HELL THIS HURTS LIKE A BITCH. Told almost exclusively from Yuki's POV, this stunning portrayal of the Sohma family faced the impossible and impending reality of Tohru's death fucking was so unbelievably good. If you're brave enough, READ IT.

'Another Banquet?' by SailorSong -- Future Fic, One-shot. Sweet future fic, largely canon compliant and some pseudo-angsty banter between Kyo and Yuki that warmed my cold dead heart.

Favourite moments:

Losing my fucking MARBLES with Yuki and Kyo's backstories in season 2, part 2 (THE ANGST. THE HAT. THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN FRIENDS. I WILL NEVER GET OVER IT.)

Yuki and Kyo FINALLY having it out when the truth is revealed in season 3. ("Me!? I was jealous of you!" OH LORD SAVE ME. NOW I will never get over it EVEN MORE.)

June 2021 -- The Case Study of Vanitas (Manga)

Ass-kicking bisexuals. That's it. That's the whole show. Well... not the whole show, but a sizable portion gives off the *vibe* ya know? ;)

This was one of the first times I started with the manga rather than waiting for the anime. holy fuck I'm so glad I was impatient. Both Jun Mochizuki's art style and the story itself are so stunning (and the manga covers are just breathtaking so I recommend picking them up if you get the chance).

I specify with this series that I've only really become invested in the manga because despite the anime coming out around the same time, I've really had trouble sinking my teeth (heh. vampires. teeth.) into for some reason. I think the truth lies in the manga itself; the anime is very true to the manga but both are pretty slow in the beginning. Other than a very sneaky plot point revealed at the end of episode one (and chapter one) it does drag for the first couple of chapters, and THEN takes off like a shot. For people looking to get into either version KEEP GOING, it is soooo worth it. But even I will admit it *is* a slow start.

Joined the fandom: June 2021

Obsession peaked: Hilariously peaked right after I finished reading volume 8... oh the irony.

Fandom friends: Annika (@/mid_wintxr on insta), your edits kill me dead girlie xx

Fanfics you NEED to read: NEED to get around to fics in this fandom. I can just TELL they're gonna be good.

Favourite moments:

Driving all the way to fucking San Diego in pursuit of volume one of the manga during a printing shortage. Sounds way less fun than it actually was.

Getting through my first manga binge read with this series.

July 2021 -- Given (Anime/Movie)

In direct contrast to my previous month's obsession... bisexuals I would like to give an ass-kicking to.

HOOOOOOEEEE BOIIIII. Idk what I was expecting y'all but there was WAAAAAY more angst than I prepared for. HOLY FUCK. The Yuki plotline??? THE MOVIE?????

Joined the fandom: July 2021

Obsession peaked: also July 2021

Fandom friends: Fiji @lil-1nsane, thanks for suffering with me.

Fanfics you NEED to read: Haven't found any that have really grabbed me yet.

Favourite moments:

Jumping around the house like a madwoman as I kept pausing the movie because I was so stressed.

Playing a game of "musical chairs" with different Barnes & Noble locations trying to find the later volumes during a paper shortage... (idk if this counts as a "fave" moment, but it was sure memorable).

August 2021 -- Free! Iwatobi Swim Club (Anime/Movie)

Lord in heaven, I have never been so late to the party. To be honest, it shocks even me that I jumped on the Yuri On Ice train before paying dues to its Queer-Subtext-So-Overt-It-Stops-Being-Subtext older sibling show. (Literally this show is the sports anime equivalent of, "This bitch walked, she fucking strutted that runway mama, so that PEPPA. COULD. RUUUUUUN!!") But hey, better (EIGHT YEARS) later than never.

OH MAN. I did not count of how much these boys would fucking crush my heart. As a former competitive high school and recruited college athlete (shocking I know lol), this hit me in the feels WAAAAY harder than I was expecting. The subtle undercurrent of pressure and angst (tied together with a fucking BRILLIANT voice cast) made the show feel more real, and completely addicting to watch.

So if somehow you have managed to avoid this gem over the last decade, and are looking for a high school sports anime that is angstier than Haikyuu (I'm sorry Haikyuu fans please don't kill me xD) THIS is the perfect place to go.

Joined the fandom: July or August of 2021. Harder to pin this one down bc I spent months TALKING about picking up this show without ever actually DOING it.

Obsession peaked: September-ish? But tbh still going strong. This show has quickly snuck up into my favourites list.

Fandom friends: Rachel... FINISH SEASON TWO DAMMIT.

Fanfics you NEED to read:

'Coral and Bone' by @macbetha -- Mermaid AU. this fucking fic... Honestly? I don't know why I started reading it. I'm not normally a fan of the mermaid AU, but MAAAAAAN. This fic had me eating my fucking WORDS. I normally need to be hyper focused when reading, but I simply could not put this down. I was RAVENOUSLY reading it on a ten hour noisy AirFrance flight, and it felt like I was alone (and sobbing) in my own little world. ALSO Makoto and Haru may be the main couple... BUT THE SAMEZUKA BOYS STEAL THE FUCKING SPOTLIGHT in this. omg THE TWIST. AND THE SCENE WITH THE ANCHOR. AND NITORI WITH THE--- aaaaaahhhhhhh. read it. just read it.

'Eyes Wide Open All The Time' by @macbetha -- Gritty drug and prostitution AU with a shocking amount of heart and pathos. Confession time. I have not finished reading this one. HOWEVER, chapter one *A L O N E* is enough of a reason for you to pic up this fic. It is LOOOONG (chapter one is nearly 20,000 words all on its own), but the world building is SOOOO fucking solid and it's the perfect amount of angst for your resident angst queen over here (read: a fucking HIGH amount).

Favourite moments:

The antagonist to snarky deuteragonist trend that I saw unfold from season to season. (Rin, Ikuya, I see you I see you).

SOUSUKE AND RIN. HOLY FUCK. like LISTEN. I was fully in the RinHaru camp at the end of season one. But the season two twist??? and the A N G S T. *chef's kiss*

^^^ follow up to this one. MAKOHARU. *chef's kiss*

The whole of the Samezuka team. I love me my Iwatobi darlings, but there's just something about these chaotic fools that warms my heart.

The waves of swimming nostalgia I was hit with that made me want to get back in to swimming.

November 2021 -- Vampire Knight (Anime/Manga)

L I S T E N. I CAN EXPLAIN… okay maybe no I can’t… flipped this soap opera of an anime on a few weeks back when I saw it on Netflix (the motivation to do so lying halfway between idle curiosity and my desire to fact check a few things a literal DECADE on from my first watch). I was NOT counting on this shit sucking me back down the proverbial rabbit hole.

Is it a masterpiece? FUCK NO.

Is it even all that good? Eh *shrugs* Not really. The show/series had a LOT of potential (which is why pics are essential in this fandom and I am GETTING THERE) that it truthfully never really lived up to.

Is the show worth the watch? ABSOLUTELY. Maybe this is nostalgia talking, but it’s a fun show. Dark and moody and very atmospheric, the anime is wildly melodramatic with interesting characters and the charm of late 2000s shojo that helped get me into anime in the first place. So pop open a bottle of (red) wine, sit down with ya friends and watch this teenage train wreck run it’s course. You can thank me later ;)

Joined the fandom: Like???? June 2011?? Fun fact! It was my first “big kid” anime! (I… I imagine that explains a lot)

Obsession peaked: NOVEMBER 2021. BC NOW I HAVE ADULT MONEY WITH WHICH TO MAKE POOR DECISIONS.

Fandom friends: Sandra @aeriamamaduck (imma drag you back to hell with me babes xxx)

Fanfics you NEED to read:

'The Week of Four Thursdays' by @madmaenad -- holy god good gracious lordt in high heaven... this fic... this M O T H E R F U C K I N G MASTERPIECE OF A FIC. It is a *inhale* 400,000 word, arranged political marriage, faking-dating-to-real-dating, (mostly) canon compliant, ABO, fix-it fic WITH A POLYSHIP and it has RUINED ME. OHHHHHHH MYYYYYY GODDDDD. It goes without exaggeration when I say this IMMEDIATELY shot up to my top 3 favourite fics of ALL TIME. It is beyond words. Her characterization of Zero, Yuuki, and Kaname is SPOT ON, while interlacing the framework of the characters with a maturity and nuance they FUCKING DESERVED, but never got in canon. It literally fixes everything. AND THE SMUT???? *chef's kiss* Never has a fic more rightly earned the "fix-it" mantel. GOOOO REEEEAD IT.

Favourite moments:

Watching it again ten years on and hit with waves of nostalgia.

Watching it again... AND NOTICING ALL THE QUEER CODED CHARACTERS (I see you Aido... I see you xD). They're everywhere, almost hilarious that I missed it the first time.

Any Zero and Kaname interaction. THESE BOYS. THE DRAMA. THE TENSION.

T A K U M A I C H I J O. MY PRECIOUS BOYYYY.

THAT FUCKING SCENE WITH ZERO AND ICHIRU. *animalistic wails of pain* WHYYY???? (can a scene that sad be a fave? Yes. Yes it can.)

December 2021 -- Blue Period (Manga)

wow. just. wow.

OKAY. STORY TIME.

Is it a bit cliche to call this a masterpiece when everyone else has said that a thousand times before? Perhaps.

Joined the fandom: This bad boy slipped on to my radar just after I started working at the bookstore.

Obsession peaked: I chewed through

Fandom friends: COME FIND MEEEEEE.

Fanfics you NEED to read: None yet, but give me recs if you have them!

Favourite moments: ALL OF CHAPTER ONE. The conversations about talent are just *chef's kiss*

Honorable Mentions:

Yuri!!! On Ice (Anime): Ah YOI... My indomitable steadfast love... Honestly? I could give this a section all on it's own as a "constant back of mind" fandom. It pulled me back into my love of anime and brought me closer to some of my favourite people in the world. Eternally making history and eternally in my heart.

Haikyuu!! (Anime): Listen y'all... I have T R I E D (and failed) WITH THIS BITCH TWICE ALREADY. It's just *too* happy. A GORL NEEDS HER ANGST OKAY?? But I think 2022 is gonna be the year (or a girl can dream can't she???) *shrugs*

Sk8 the Infinity (Anime): SPEAKING OF GAY SPORTS ANIME!! lol this was such a flashbomb love affair. Loved the series and was obsessed with it (and the stellar fanfics) for about three weeks... and then my love fled like the wind. Cherry's story (and the subtextual past abuse that is so beautifully implied) RUINED me. 10 out of 10. Everyone should watch.

[dianapocalypse]

Hi! I just found your art through Youtube from a Gideon the Ninth search and I'm so freaking happy! I've watched a bunch of your videos and I'm about to subscribe to your Patreon. I love your art and I love your videos.

In one of your videos you mentioned having ADHD so I there's you might understand a dilemma that I have:

See, I'm 22 years old and I'm just now starting to learn how to draw. I know that I am creative and I do have some talent, but clay and yarn have always been my preferred medium.

I'm really proud of myself for sticking to my goal of doing some sort of drawing in the last few days that I've been quarantined, but I'm worried that I'm going to burn out because my drawings don't look the way I want them to; they're not very good. I know I can't be immediately good at it, but I'm not getting that "finished task dopamine rush" if you know what I mean, and I can already feel it starting to wear my attention down.

I really want to be able to draw people from The Locked Tomb and Star Trek and TAZ and actually have it look good. I know it's gonna take a lot of practice. Do you have any tips for staying with art (specifically drawing people) in the beginning when I'm not getting the results I want?

omg hello!!!! thank you so much for watching my channel and the kind words and aaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAA you have made my day!!! WELCOME TO DRAWING! something I have noticed with ppl who start art (or any skill) Later In Life is that they start in stage 2 of Learning Stuff. this is a highly scientific term. but basically, the four stages go "being not good but not realizing it at a thing", "being not good but knowing it", "being good and knowing it" and "being good without thinking about it". again, I am explaining this Highly Scientifically. but that's good news, because that means you're already on stage 2! that's one whole stage closer to being good at things!

but that is not your question! the question is how to avoid burnout, and I can help with that too!

the way forward is DRAW VERY SELF INDULGENT THINGS! if you're not getting the dopamine from the finished product itself, you can get it from WHAT you're drawing. example! i have three entire 100+ page photo albums full of art from one of my D&D games because I fell in love with my OC. I wasn't very good at art for most of that game, but by the end of it, I was PRETTY DECENT! it didn't bother me that much that my art was just OK at the beginning because I was just having so much fun drawing that character. over and over again. hundreds of times. maybe more even. doing lots of things. like smoochin her boyfriend. but in a distinctly bisexual way.

where was I. YES. avoiding burnout. so I recommend starting there! draw what you like! draw what brings you dopamine anyway!

i also recommend trying to embrace your mistakes! the fact that you're NOTICING them means you're at the step right before learning how to fix them! and then when you DO learn how to fix them??? the DOPAMINE will FLOW. the way to do that? when you draw something wrong, go find a reference of it! if it's a pose you're struggling with and you can't figure it out, take a picture of yourself doing it or look at yourself doing it in a mirror! (or, if you start from a reference, you'll already have one ready to go! I recommend Adorkastock on DA/Tiktok or https://doll-a.net/. That second one even has an app you can use to download a 3D mannequin that you can pose however you like! It's a little clunky but it's FREE!) references will make you get good so much faster than not references. this reminds me I wanted to make a video about references. I will write that down!

you have also inspired me to make a video with more just How To Draw Stuff advice! I have been batting an idea around but knowing someone would actually GET SOMETHING OUT OF IT is motivating! i will try to make that next week's video!

in the meantime, keep drawing stuff you love!! make more TLT content! or TAZ or D&D or Star Trek! lifehack, you can do figure studies and then just make them into your OCs or characters you like from those things. no one can stop you. what if they were ALL gideon nav???

[haphazard-randomosity]

Things I've learned on surgery, Colorectal Week 2

Always keep in your car: a clean blouse, a clean pair of trousers, spare underwear, extra pair of sneakers that you don’t care about, extra pair of socks, at least 3 plastic bags.

Mondays will be hard, no matter if you’ve been working for the entire week

When you get more patients, you need to get here earlier to preround and write notes, and stay later to read up on your expectant patients tomorrow and finish your notes.

Some Little Caesar’s have a drive thru. Know where those are.

You will find even a gunner nurse/tech/PA, and they will try to push you out of the work line. You have to let them do their job, even when they start taking liberties with boundaries in addition to their job. So,find something that they’re not doing and keep yourself busy. I spent it talking the patient through the procedure, something neither of the other staff was doing because they were so used to it. 

Patients aren’t put under general anesthesia for colonoscopy anymore. They have to remember lots of gross details. 

 You will encounter a level of paternalism in medicine that can make you intensely uncomfortable. If you’re not uncomfortable at least once, you’ll probably be a great pathologist, and your patients will thank you. 

(Did you get the Pathology joke?)

The dopamine rush of being the first in the workroom is my caffeine 

 After you finish with a syringe, keep it in your pocket (Not the needles, obviously, but I wanted to make this distinction because a lot of people think the syringe refers to the instrument and the needle). Patients may get their foley pulled at any time and you’ll look like you’re actually prepared in front of your supervisors. 

Other stuff to keep in your white coat pockets: scissors for cutting sutures, a grabber (Addisons recommended), gauze, barriers to put over IV’s or gauze for dressings (I.e. Tegaderm), alcohol prep pads, padded bandages of choice for your service, 

If the patient room smells funny, 9 times out of 10 the patient is a smoker. 

Life doesn’t stop for surgery, and figuring out fourth year away rotations stuff like vaccination paperwork will throw off the vibe of your entire day. And that’s how I found out a lot of schools had relatively lax standards on vaccination documentation. Or, they don’t accept a history of chicken pox via clinical diagnosis as proof of a second varicella shot. 

Get your hep b titers done early. They take a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time. 

 You’ll surprise yourself with how quickly you can get out of bed and to the hospital 

You’ll surprise yourself with how quickly you stop showering. 

If you're on colorectal service and scrubbing in to a fistula case, know Goodsall's rule. That is the lowest hanging pimp question. 

Goodsall's rule: any rectocutaneous fistula opening anterior to the transverse anal line will form a linear path and open usually at the anterior midline of the rectum; any fistula opening posterior to the line can have a linear, curved, or even serpiginous path and open at the posterior midline of the rectum. 

Nothing will haunt you quite like the sight of a prolapsed rectum. 

Well, maybe except for the image of your attending putting nearly his entire hand into the recital cavity in order to search for and optimally position the rest of the colon before he sews the non prolapsing colon back to the anus 

You get used to going for longer periods without eating than periods spent sleeping (I eat every 8 hours, sleep for maybe 6 per night).

 If surgery is in your future, start asking to help your intern more now; any scut they need to do, you offer to do for them. You'll be in their shoes in less than 2 years from now, and you'd better know how to do what they're doing now. Also it really impresses them when you volunteer like that. 

 Your residents and attending will try to "help" you answer pimp questions by dropping very oblique hints. They don't help. I usually say, "I don't know, but I will read about it right after this." It doesn't save any face, but it usually moves the conversation on.

There is a thing as being “too pro-patient autonomy.” In a simulated case with a standardized patient, I was told to provide  counseling about the patient’s alcoholism. After asking the CAGE questions and asking their thoughts on quitting drinking, I got the impression that the patient wasn’t very motivated to quit and so opted for a more outpatient basis of treatment and regular followup. I was told at the end of it, the patient didn’t feel listened to when I wasn’t admitting him immediately. From the story that I got, he seemed reluctantly going along with it because his wife threatened divorce and had poor insight about drinking at work (his story is, he got fired a few months ago for showing up to work looking and acting drunk). Maybe I wasn’t convinced with the acting, but the patient looked to be on a self destructive track even after I had discussed why he shouldn’t continue drinking. I think it comes back to my reluctance to completely take over a patient’s life and admit them. Gotta learn to walk that line.

Oh, but do pay close attention to the vitals given to you in standardized patient encounters; anything unstable-looking but the patient is asymptomatic can warrant admission. 

That provided me with more insight on why I want to do ear-nose-throat surgery; I don’t deal well with low-motivated people and don’t do the paternalism thing, I don’t want to play politics and bargain adherence for treatment. I’m not going to pester them like the parent or teacher they hated, I want to make a joint decision with my patients and be able to trust them to address the problems in their life as I focus on the medical side of their treatment. ENT, the patients are generally self-motivated to get better, I get to talk about smoking cessation and Gardasil vaccination (two of my passionate rant talks that I’ll never tire of), and the work is stimulating and I can see results instantly. 

Also, I can’t handle a specialty that rounds for hours in the morning and then hours in the afternoon. One-day surgery, one-month follow up, and quick rounds has to be in my future.