#I've been watching too much CaseOh

[crowbury]

Emi's new apartment pt2.

[inthesky553]

okay i wanna spoil a bit of my fics >:)

they're all skz because i don't have a life

1. imagine skz but they're in a fantasy world. felix and hyunjin are brothers, princes, and our pov. DRAGONS. coming of age sorta. FRIENDSHIP WITH THE 00s!!! AAAAAAAAAAAND i only have like two ocs :P

2. skz family DRAMA except from ina's perspective hehehe plus changbin is DOWN BAD

3. okay this is like a really weird one and i know it is but like hear me out. skz as hybrids. like bangchan wolf hyrbid, lee know bunny hybrid ETC. jeongin gets taken in and it's like a big recovering from trauma fic with him. plus one oc because AAAAAAH (i might ship one of the members with said oc)

[churrorat-art]

Haii chatttt you want my late night vent I'll prolly shove 2 drafts???

So I'm doing really bad!!!

I think I have an eating disorder! My uhhm my brother called me caseoh?! That was weird but not even compared to being called a gluttonous freak. GLUTTONOUS FREAK. A DISGRACEFUL SINNER. I see it in thier eyes...they're words...they. oh gosh. I hate eating. I hate food. I hate it I hate it I hate it!!!!!!!!!! Chewing food.. into a paste...swallowing it....I never want to eat. Ever. I wish I could watch myself die of starvation! My body withering up....I TRIED! I tried not eating for a whole 2 days it didn't go well all I feel is my body scratching and screeching at me to eat. I'll try my hardest to only eat the main meals I have to. Dinner..lunch if I have to. I don't deserve any other food. Just the thought of eating sickens me. And I'm too coward to vomit it up. Oh but I wish I wasn't!! I want to hack up all the disgusting sludge I've eaten and feel my body hurt from hunger. But I hate vomit and thinking of it...nope. i can't throw up!! I'll work up the courage eventually though if I'm desperate enough. Oh shit I did self harm too....... I'm too scared to use my actual paper cutter thingy I have cause blood makes me nauseous and I wouldn't be able to clean it up properly. But my goshh I crave to hurt by that small sharp metal blade. I've bitten my nails to sharp edges at the corner so I just rake away at my arm and its comforting. I deserve it. No blood yet. Its scabbing though. I love to pick at scabs so that's good. Oohh also running it under hot hot water afterwards. Yeah

EW I FUCKING DISGUST MYSELF.

But my mom..shes been taking away all means of internet access I have. I don't know why! I tell her, hey you can't take away my phone! That is mine! But who pays the bills? And and she knows I'm not doing anything with it! Who I'm supposed to message I have no friends wahwah. Thank the lords above she cant check my phone, or well she hasn't yet. So I dont have anything to distract myself from the bad thoughts. I normally listen to rain and thunder ir draw when it's bad but oops I couldn't!! during the day I watch my little pony because it keeps the breakdowns at bay enough and it's silly and happy. I really like twilight sparkle.

I get sooo much relief when I hear my mom is gonna be at work all day. Also this thing that happened earlier? I was in my room and my mom comes in. She asks me what I'm doing and I tell her and I guess my attitude was seeming sad (no fucking shit) and she told me to shut up and atleast ACT happy. Oh. Okay. I get it! Why should I be able to like, feel my own emotions? Nope! I'm so happy! I HATE THE WAY SHE LOOKS AT ME!!!!! I swear she walked passed my room while I was having a panic attack and I was trying to be quiet I'm pretty sure....but she just walked passed.........not like this is the first time! She holds everything like it's a grudge. Keep in mind what else the fuck I'm supposed to do? I can't hang out with friends. And like its making me consider If I should go back to my toxic friend....I want to. Walking now feels so lonely. I don't have music. I'm broke ain't goin nowhere. I cant wait for school but at the same time I can. I hate the work and exams....but I crave new environment and positive social interaction...

I'm so full of anger and hate hate hate!! but that's okay .we keep it all in :)

My moms gonna be at work all day Tomorrow she leaves before I wake (hopefully) and I snatched my phone soon as she was sleeping cuz I needed this. And I find this all so hilarious. I'm literally laughing at myself I'm such a fool. What a freak. I HAVE SO MUCH SUICIDAL THOUGHTS...I KNOW ITS BAD BUT I FUCKING CANT CONTROL IT!! IRS KIKE YEAH WHAT IF WE WAKE DEAD EVERYONE WOULD CONTINUE LIFE NORMALLY AFTER A DAYOR TWO.

I'll be okay.

[doriansredroses]

I’ve been stress eating lately, mostly because it’s the most bizarre time of the year (week between Christmas and New Year’s) and also because I’m stressing about going back to school and that my brother keeps playing the drums. I actually have been having physical anxiety symptoms when he jams out. Yesterday I really stress ate. I ate a ton of cookies, which isn’t exactly normal for me. I’ll normally eat 3 cookies a day at most when I make them, not around 12 or so. My brother called me fat in some gen-alpha slang or whatever. I’m not fat. I’m not exactly stick figure either, but I’m not fat. Just average and a bit curvy because that’s my natural body type. He’s the one who sits on the couch all day, eats all the snacks, and watches tv all the time. (I’m not commenting on his body, just stating he’s doing the unhealthy habits) He's also eaten all of my pastries before only leaving me with a couple. The double standard. He’s allowed to call me names, comment on my body, say I’m weird (like honestly fuck my autism at this point), and I’m starting to think he despises me. I've tried this entire year to get him to spend time with me and create moments we’ll cherish years down the road but my attempts are futile. We’ve spent most of 2024 bickering and he tattles on me to get me in trouble whenever he’s picking on me. I ask to watch a movie with him. He says no, insults me, and goes back to his video games, YouTube, and chatting with friends. I tried to get us watching America’s Funniest Home Videos again like we used to do. He says no and watches YouTube. We used to watch Bluey together because it’s an amazing show that adults like me can enjoy and kids of all ages. We would watch Disney movies after school before he said it was babyish and stupid that I like the princesses and musicals. The fucking internet has corrupted him with the brainrot and toxic role models like MrBeast. My brother and I were much closer once.

He comments on people’s bodies. He hates on people in general. He loves watching CaseOh or whatever because the YouTuber is such a joke. He says yo mamma jokes. I fucking worry about him. He could be a lot worse and this might be part of the preteen boy experience. I don’t even know. Honestly, I’m not even going to try next year. He’s not going to listen. Just forget it. My brother is lost. Our relationship as siblings has been lost. I’m not going to deal with it anymore.

I’m self-conscious about my body. I’m not exactly super slim but I’m not unhealthily large either. I’m short in height, a bit busty, have curvy thighs, and some belly fat. I don’t work out or starve myself so a completely flat stomach is unobtainable, especially with my health issues. But there are days where I don’t feel beautiful. I have Duane’s Syndrome and it makes my left eye look off. It’s a bit lazy. People point it out. He’s done it before. I’m not beautiful like the standards say they want me to be. I have flat feet that ache all the time. I can’t even walk or stand for long without burning pain unless I wear certain shoes. My brother makes fun of the way I speak. He tells me to stop using pretentious words and to act more like a normal adult. I can’t help but sound that way. I was reading and talking at a very young age. I was around adults for most of my life. In high school and onwards I got into the classics. People at school say I might be some author reincarnated. Shakespeare is a main contender. It’s a good natured joke with my peers, but my brother takes it too far. I’m tired of him pointing out the vaguely British accent that is noticeable on my American tongue. Fine, I may act British at times because the media I consume is often Victorian or romantic literature from England. Sometimes I quote my favorite characters. I even slip into a rendition of their voices. I talk about books and writing and poetics. I love fairytales and magic. My brother actually calls me a witch, puritain style. I should’ve known when he bought himself a puritain hat in Salem when I bought things relating to witchcraft (historical and to enhance my own craft).

I’m tired of being insulted for who I am by so many people. My brother calls me weird. My ex friends on Quotev believed horrible false rumors about me and cut me out. I’ve been hurt because I’m not basic or beautiful. I'm sorry for the rant. I’m just tired…

[dixiewishes]

12/11/2024

oh, dear, I've fallen behind. Again. Not shocking when you consider the circumstances. I can't recall where we left off. I need to remember to use this as a diary and not a novel. Things don't need to make sense to an outside reader. So the play has been amazing. Abrupt subject change, but I'm the author. Reclamation or whatever. I love my castmates, even if there's 300 of them. We went to Applebees on Saturday and it was an actual riot. A crew of 20 theater nerds roll up at 9pm to an applebees. I was with leah, julie, and... shit. I forgot. Ellie maybe? These tiny beings ordered one (1) appetizer plate to split. My fatass creamed that and a macaroni and tendies bowl. I laughed until I wept. I remember at Farrier Fun Day in the hottub, someone said one day I will find my tribe. I really felt like I have. The girls were funny, attentive, active listeners. I felt understood. I felt... loved. It was an experience. We also decided to write a play called COUNTY BUSINESS where it's us going into progressively more unhinged scenarios in the name of the great county. Ahh, we also bullied me for having the most epic line blunder. "He was as good a friend, as good a employer, as good a man, or any other man, and men, in the good ol world." Fucking iconic. I had a really insightful conversation with ry dearest. What we're looking to get, what we mean to each other, what we hope will happen. He was vulnerable and open and honest and beautiful and I'm thankful we had that moment together. I'd like to drop in for new years but he might be too cooked. We had a mini date where we watched caseoh granny together. I think I like him. He said he was going to visit daddyslaw's gf in washington. I freaked the absolute fuck out to the point I was shaking on stage. Like... he can do what he wants? You know you just set off 36 blazing alarms in his pretty head? He handled it really, really well and reassured it's not a set thing, she has a live in fiance, he just loves silly me. I'm shocked he covered so well and was so patient. Maybe he is actually a nice guy? I gave him a dump about why I'm like that, but I also get his ptsd slaps too. I have to do better. I'm disgusted that I got that upset over a guy just... visiting his pals? wtf cheyenne? I'm going to nuke this before we have a chance to see what happens. I know he absolutely hates that, but anxiety is a bitch. I'm mad that I'm jealous over his rp partners when I don't even rp. I need to stalk and control him and it is so disgusting. I need his attention and validation all the time. I'm doing exactly what someone else did and broke apart a marriage. We all become what we're running from, I guess. I apologized and thanked him for being good, but I need to get a fucking grip. Shit, so much more to cover... So after all this, Sunday we went to the taco dealer, another group of 20 theater nerds. I was with Stuart, Tara, Diann.... and I think I'm missing some. Oh, Pam. Stuart shared a deeply personal tale of his gender identity. How he felt slewicidal, and he may have acted on it after losing his job. But his identity of Sabrina helped him cope. It was a really moving talk about finding yourself and your identity, and it's never too late. He shared a lot of pictures and ngl im mad that his makeup and styling is better than mine. gg sabrina get it bestie. i wanted to cry and hug him at the end. id like to try new things and all that but.... yeah me and fren had a painting night last night. i made a very Phat gnome. i love him. nobody else had a jumbo gnome. again, good food, laugh until i cry. good times baby. im also super into crochet now so thats cool "yup. i think we're done here."