#I've been very awake; aware; and actually giving myself hobbies again! I take care of stray cats in the area. C:

[scriptdeviant]

But . . . Fr. My family has been nothing but awful to me my entire life. If I didn't have those three I don't think I would've been able to stand up for myself. It feels stupid, semi-inaccurate and embarrassing to be like " I'm a runaway " at 24 but. It was time to cut them off. I lost my sense of self. I didn't even think I mattered as a person for the past ten years. I thought it was just normal for some people to not get angry you know.

They were also super shitty to my irl partner like!! Kept trying to get break up with him!!! And kept ignoring me when i told them to stop!! And just super invasive and eugh.

These past two weeks have taught me a lot, but most importantly that I matter even when I don't have anything to give.

hey guys i grew the fuck up and now i'm BACK baby

thanks @eternasci and my hubby and also @emptyzone too because woa h

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

hi!ive been with my gf for just over a month but I have strong feelings for her, however I don't know how to balance myself so im not always the one going above and beyond for others, i gotta think about myself too cause I don't want things to fall into dynamics I've had in the past. Nonetheless she's currently going through a bit of a rough patch and maybe she does need a little extra attention and someone to check up on her? How do I do this but also mainly focus on myself -🖤

This is hard, and I'm going to be perfectly honest, while I'm usually confident in the advice I give, I'm going to be very biased on this one, and you should take everything I say with a grain of salt. I am a people-pleaser. It's in my blood. I want to help people regardless of circumstance, and I have a strong tendency - just like you seem to have - to put myself before others, even to my own detriment.

It's good that you're aware that your tendencies here are to do this thing. Often times people aren't even aware they're putting themself out for someone else. So it's good you have the self-analytical prowess to see that in yourself. While this may be a fault for people like us, just remember that this is a good problem to have! It means that we do help people, and that we are kind. That's awesome!

However, where is the limit in this particular circumstance? That's a good question. You mentioned that she's going through a "rough patch," but didn't explain any more. What you might determine as a rough patch may be very different from what I would call a rough patch. And this is your partner; you're not their therapist, and your life shouldn't revolve around them. But it is nice to support them in their time of need, if you can.

The big play here is to only offer as much as you actually have. Don't go TOO FAR beyond your means to take care of them. And furthermore, LET THEM KNOW. "Listen, I care about you and want to help you through this. But please understand, sometimes I'll need to take care of myself too, and may not always be there for you." Letting them know upfront is an important way to lower their expectations to something more realistic.

But that doesn't really address the fundamental issue there. And again, I'm biased. But here are a variety of patented tips and tricks that I use in my own life to dictate myself on how not to over-invest in someone else. Your mileage may vary with this, because every situation is different, but here you go.

Be careful with your money. Money is a renewable resource so long as you have a job. But your finances are yours, and you should generally try to keep it that way. This goes double if your income is not fantastic. If someone you're close to is in a position where they need money, make sure to set hard limits for yourself on how much you're willing to give. Me personally, assuming I had plenty of money to spare, I would never commit more than $100-$150 into someone, even some of my closest friends. It's great to love people, but we're all in this dog-eat-dog world together, and you need to be perfectly comfy in your finances before you commit to spending on other people.

Your time is precious. Time is NOT a renewable resource. We only have one life, so we gotta make it count. What that means in this respect is, all of your time should not fixate on this one person. It might feel natural to do this, especially if you're in a relationship with someone. But make sure that you actively make time for yourself, your friends, your hobbies, and your interest OUTSIDE of your relationship or someone who needs your support. If you constrict yourself to never doing things that matter to you because the person you're supporting always needs you for something, that's leaning toward a toxic relationship. You matter too, so make sure you make yourself matter by investing the appropriate amount of time into yourself.

Hours of viable support. Again, there's only so much time in the day. That means that you need to be able to spend your time wisely to handle the issues that matter to you. What that also means is you need to set clear boundaries on when it is appropriate and not appropriate for someone in need to contact you. For instance, my rule personally is, my DMs and texts are always open, any time of day, and if I don't respond, it's because I'm asleep and will handle things when I'm awake. That leaves me open to supporting people for a huge portion of my day, but it also has the strict rule of saying, "When I'm not available, I refuse to help you." Again, it's good to support people. But if people need constant support, then they need other people in their life who can share the burden with you. You can't be their one-stop shop for support.

Limits on the trouble. Everyone has different issues they need help with. But we also need to respect our own boundaries. Make sure that you enforce those boundaries if applicable given the trouble that someone is going through. For instance, is someone is being abused by their romantic partner or parents, and YOU are someone who struggles with abuse, you can certainly try to support them, but you also need to make sure that it doesn't traumatize you in a way that will negatively impact your self-being. Make sure you make those boundaries clear, because it's not that you don't care, but sometimes the your personal experiences and their personal situation may influence what you're actually able to handle in any given situation. Same goes for experiences. If someone is struggling with legal trouble, for instance, and you have ZERO experience with legal trouble, you can support them til the cows come home, but you can only do so much with something you know nothing about. Let them know you have your limits.

Ask what they need. One thing many people forget in situations where they're helping someone out is, at the end of the day, there needs to be a goal to support. Even if that goal is just letting your friend vent their feelings, then that's the goal. If you're engaging with someone who needs your help, simply ask what they need. "What can I do to help?" It's a courteous thing to do, and they may not even know. But setting that boundary there, so you KNOW how to help if there's a way to, can help you know when the goal has been accomplished in the short-term. And it also lets you know when aiding them might stretch you too thin. For instance, if they say, "I just need someone to talk and cry to for a little while," that's valid. But if they say something like, "I need you. I NEED YOU!" that is more vague, and not something you can do permanently. If you get into a situation like that, you need to gently remind them of your limits. "I understand you need me, but I can only offer so much. If there's anything I can do that's reasonable, I'll do it.

REASONABLE. As just mentioned, there is only so much you can do. You can only provide so much reasonable, feasible support before it either goes so far out of the realm of possibility for you to help them, or otherwise, it's so far beyond your expertise and ability that you just actively can't help them. For instance, if you have a friend struggling with poverty, and if they don't get some money they can't feed themselves, you can lend them some money so that they can eat. But if this is a daily occurrence, and they're going to be starving every single day until something changes, you're not a bottomless pit of money (unless you are, which hey, wanna share?). You have to cut people off eventually. If you get to such a situation, just explain, "I want to help you, but I have to take care of myself too. Is there anything else I can do that will support you?"

Seek the experts. At the end of the day, NONE OF US can support people as much as an expert in the field can. And believe me, there's an expert for everything. Your friend or partner is struggling with psychological issues? Help them find a therapist. Someone is struggling with their finances? Help them find a financial advisory or get a job. Someone is struggling with abuse? Help find them an advocate, law enforcement officer, or otherwise other methods to keep them safe. You can't solve every problem, and you shouldn't be expected to. Find the people who can do a job better than you ever will be able to.

At the end of the day, as said, your mileage is going to vary with all of this. Every situation is different, and there is no way anything I say here can cover all the millions of different ways people need to support each other while getting through this life. All we can do is manage as best as we can, help people when we are able, and remember that as much as we can help people, we're important to and need to always be ready to take a step back if need be so that we can handle our own issues. Don't let your own problems pile up just because you're being nice and taking care of someone else.