#I've been through it with all the vets in this area let me tell you

[horsesarecreatures]

Treat the symptoms, not the numbers. I don't know why some vets are so dismissive of Lyme disease. I had to laugh when today Amba's told me I could go back to riding her because she's not lame. Not lame ≠ not in pain.

[esleep]

i am having the most ridiculously, cartoonishly bad day that i think i have ever had and i am going to be pitiful about it for a minute okay. if you read this i hope it makes your day seem much better by comparison, in fact i am pretty confident it will do that for you. it's probably a little funny also if you are not me.

testimonials: "my jaw fully dropped and stayed open the entire time, jesus christ" -shannon in reply to the 3+ minute rambling video i sent her about all of this.

here is my sordid tale, for those brave of heart and strong of stomach.

i woke up at 4 AM while having both a migraine and an anxiety attack (being around my family for extended periods will do that). i was unable to go back to sleep for multiple hours. my morning work alarm went off less than an hour after i finally drifted back off.

at work i spent 10 hours trying to catch up on a bunch of bullshit, because it was my first day back after a week and a half of hastily-arranged sick leave so i could be with my dying grandfather.

midway through my morning, i remember that last night i found a weird open sore on the back of my cat's neck, which i need to call a vet to get checked out IMMEDIATELY after work since i am supposed to be bringing a kitten home on Sunday and I do not want to bring him into a house full of ringworm or some other weird skin infection.

i start looking around online. looks like the only place anywhere nearby that will accept walk-ins AND is open after i get off work at 6 is the veterinary urgent care across town. cool. i call. they tell me their base exam cost is $110 and any treatments go on top of that. i wince and grimly make an appointment for 7 this evening.

at this point it is around noon and my stomach hurts. it's been hurting this whole time but i had kinda let it fade into the background because i thought it was just part of the anxiety. however it has been getting slowly stronger until it finally dawns on me that i am having period cramps. ten days early. cool and nice. i also do still have the migraine, thank you for asking.

i finish my work day at 6, then remember something crucial: rent. i go to bring my rent check physically to the landlord's office since i got back into town too late to mail it, and my landlord is so old school i can only pay by physical check or money order (online portal? never heard of her). the office is already closed, and they don't have a night drop available right now because their actual office was firebombed six months ago (lmao) and it's still being rebuilt so their temporary "office" is just a trailer. i panic-call my landlord, who says i can leave the check if i can manage to stuff it far enough into the door that no one can see it. i try my best. this takes a million years. the entire time i am worrying that i will be late to the vet.

we finally make it to the appointment. things seem to be going well at first - we are alone in the waiting room while i fill out my paperwork, ivy is mostly chill (shockingly). when we are brought to a room she even lets me feed her a churu through her carrier door, a decision i soon came to deeply regret. we'll get to that.

this is the first vet i've ever been to where they fully take your animal away from the "exam room" where you are supposed to wait and into a back area to examine and treat them, presumably because their protocol is built around much more severe illnesses and traumas. predictably, ivy did not like this very much. i nervously told the tech who took her away that if they had too much trouble with her, they were welcome to come and get me, because she usually behaves more for me than for anyone else. i can hear her yowling from the room where i have been told to wait, while i am staring down a sign that says "FOR YOUR SAFETY - PLEASE STAY HERE WHILE WE EXAMINE YOUR PET". it may be a liability thing for them, idk, but it is truly not my safety i am concerned about at this moment. it's not my cat's safety, either. those yowls are war cries. the beast seeks blood.

the vet comes in. he seems like a nice man. he tells me gently that he's having some trouble getting a good look at the sore because ivy is so upset (you don't say). i tell him i am happy to help them corral her, but also, i have a photo of it on my phone if he would like to look at that. he is delighted. i show him the blurry photo i took last night. he is less delighted. essentially, he tells me, this is most likely either an allergy flare-up, an infection/abscess, or possibly (least likely) ringworm. we agree on a three-pronged approach: one antibiotic shot and one steroid shot tonight, plus a tube of ointment to come home with me that i will apply once or twice a day ("whatever you can manage" he told me while nervously glancing at the door that separates us from my pet demon in the treatment room). this ointment contains more steroid and antibiotic, plus an anti-fungal, and it should help kick whatever is going on even if we can't positively identify it. he says if it gets worse or doesn't heal, or if she develops more of them, bring her back.

next to come in is a slightly wild-eyed vet tech who tells me that ivy has been attacking them all pretty badly (shocking) so they had to net her (okay that's a new one). during this process, she shit liquid diarrhea all over herself and them. after they gave her the necessary injections and tossed her from the net back into the carrier, "the poop went in with her" were the tech's exact words. she handed me a cloth and a spray bottle of disinfectant and basically told me i could stay in here as long as i needed to get the carrier cleaned up, but she couldn't stay in the room to help me because my cat is such a menace to society. that is fine. i would rather face her wrath on my own anyway.

they were not exaggerating when they told me she was absolutely covered in shit. that churu really lubricated the pipes or something because it is a frankly concerning amount of feces. her bed and blanket inside the carrier are beyond redemption. i don't really care too much about that - i've owned cats for two decades, i am wise enough not to keep anything i'm emotionally attached to inside the carrier. i am also not very squeamish about cleaning up a little poop. but what really gets to me this time is the smell. it is absolutely unholy. this is not regular cat shit smell, this is like satan's afterbirth. beyond just what's in the carrier, there is shit matted into ivy's fur all throughout her back half and a little toward the front too. she looks pitiful. but she walks out of the carrier so calmly when i open the door, almost like she's trying to preserve what dignity she can. i don't blame her. she's had a bad night.

i do what i can with the carrier to make it transportable, then go out to pay the staggering $365 that i owe for this ongoing nightmare. it is now nearly 9 pm. we've been here for two hours. i am exhausted like someone who has been to war. the extremely young boy they have running the front desk takes forever to figure out how to apply my Scratchpay (which i had to hastily apply for in the exam room), and meanwhile the smell that is coming off both me and my cat is like nothing i have ever experienced. it's freshly shocking to me every time i inhale. it's the kind of smell you never really acclimate to. i am pretty sure i have actually died and gone to hell without noticing the trip.

i bring the cat home (windows down, by necessity, praying it doesn't start raining again like it has been all day). i take her directly to the bathtub - do not pass go, do not collect $200. then i have the joy and privilege of giving her a bath in the tub. with dish soap. because that is all i have available and this is a bit too much of an emergency for me to doordash some cat shampoo. considering my cat's temperament, this goes about as well as you can imagine. by the end, the cat and i are pretty much equally wet, but at least she is mostly clean. i consider showering myself off while fully clothed, but decide against it for the sake of my bra, which is somehow the only thing still dry and untouched.

i am still a little bit in shock at how absolutely horrendous and LONG every aspect of this day has been. i need a xanax, $10,000 USD, a massage, and a handle of whiskey. i will be receiving none of that. goodnight.

[imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl]

The One I've Been Waiting For {Part 03 of 13}

Pairing: Billy Hargrove X Older!reader

Word count: 2 K

Summary: Billy Hargrove is just one of the many students you're supposed to help. The last thing you expect from your interaction is that he'll start flirtt with you... Much less that Billy would stir up feelings you'd rather keep hidden. Despite the mutual sentiments that soon enough start to grow, there are a lot of reasons for whatever it is to be left alone, and one of them is your age...

<- Previous part (02)

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{Stranger Things Masterlist}

A/N: In this story, reader is 5 years older than Billy, who's 18.

Walls Falling Down

You stand on the sidewalk, the sunlight chasing away the cold brought by the freezing morning wind. Part of you wanted to find an excuse, but the other part knows it's better this way. Once Billy sees you're not... Compatible... He'll let it go and all this nonsense will be over.

You hear his car before you see it, speeding through the street. He stops right next to you, and you take a deep breath before getting into the passenger seat. “Hey.” You mutter, looking at the backseat and smiling at the three kids. “Hello. I'm (Y/N).”

“I'm Maxine, Billy's stepsister.” The redhead girl says, gesturing at the smiley kid on her left. “This is Dustin, and this one is Lucas, my boyfriend.” At that, Billy scoffs.

“Nice to meet you, guys.”

“Why are you going with us?” Dustin asks as Billy starts driving. Fixing yourself on the seat, you buckle up.

“Billy invited me. And since I'm new in town I thought it'd be nice to see the quarry. Heard people talking about it.” As you speak, you notice how fast Billy drives.

“Ok but... With Billy?”

“Dustin, shut up!” Lucas whisper-yells, and you hear what could only be someone slapping someone.

“I was...” When Billy hits the road, he goes even faster. But you can't just tell him to slow down, so you close your eyes, running a hand through your hair and trying to resume your train of thought. “I was helping him at school and he invited me.”

“Oh, are you one of the tutors?” Lucas asks and you nod. “Cool. What do you teach?”

You barely hear the question, looking at the road ahead. Feeling a little dizzy and breathing deeply, closing your hands into fists. “Biology, I'm... I'm coursing Veterinarian Medicine at the Indianapolis University.” Your heart is drumming in your ears as you try to push back the panic, and the memories. “I just transferred to the new campus here in Hawkins.”

“That's so cool. I could be a vet too.” Dustin says, and you hear the smile in his voice.

“You alright?” Billy suddenly asks, and you quickly nod, not looking at him. “Ok.” He mutters, and you feel the car slowing down. Your heart slows down, and you release a breath you didn't know you were holding.

The rest of the way is filled with the kid's questions. They're into science, this much you know, and they liked that you're in that area too, mostly because you want to specialize in the laboratory field, with the research. It doesn't take much until you reach the quarry. There's another car there, with the rest of the kids, and Max, Dustin, and Lucas run to join them.

Max introduces you to the others, and also to Jonathan, the second driver, Will's brother. They all get along with their stuff, taking whatever they brought into the woods. Billy doesn't seem like he'll follow them, so you two stay alone near the cars, and you rest against the Camaro's hood next to Billy.

“You got nervous on the road.” He says, getting your attention. “You were in a car accident, weren't you?”

How did he get there so fast? “What gave it away?”

“You got pale, clenched your fists, and started bouncing your leg.” He says, and when you look at him, you find him already staring. “Was it how you got that scar above your lip?”

Billy was paying attention. “Yes.” Touching your lip, you caress the skin. The scar is small, a tone lighter than your skin. “I was twelve. My uncle was driving, and to impress my little brother he was going very, very fast. My grandma was there too, asking him to slow down but he didn't listen.” Taking a deep breath, you lightly shake your head. “There was something wrong with the breaks so he hit a tree. It was... Bad, very bad, and... I got this and a nasty cut above my right knee but... My grandma died on the impact and my little brother didn't resist the wounds.” Your voice is lower now, barely a whisper. Wiping off a stubborn tear that rolled down, you look up at him again.

“I'm so sorry, (Y/N).” Billy sounds honest, with no trace of that bad boy act he puts on most of the time. He seems... Sad even. “I didn't mean to bring sad memories.”

“It's alright... It's just part of who I am, I guess.” Moving away from the car, you cross your arms, taking in the woods and the quarry, the water reflecting the light blue shade of the clear sky. “It took me some time to even start driving. Didn't get my license until I was eighteen and I'm super careful with everything.”

“My mother left.” He suddenly says, and you both start moving, getting closer to the water.

“Why?” Billy doesn't say anything for a while, and you know you shouldn't have asked. “You don't have to answer.”

“Neil is a freaking nightmare. So she couldn't stand it anymore and left.” There's pain in his voice, and you curse yourself for asking. “Guess that's part of who I am too.”

Touching his arm, you give him a small, sad smile when he looks at you. “I see you have a complicated past too. Sorry.”

Billy's eyes are calming, like the quarry. And blue as the sky. You have to raise your head a little to look at him. “We both have a troubled path. One less thing barrier between us.”

Giggling, you roll your eyes, setting in motion again, walking near the water. Despite not wanting to go back to that subject, you're glad to leave the sad memories behind. “Well, there's one barrier you can't take down.”

“The age.” He sighs, giving you a glance. “What's your problem with the age? You're older but I'm taller.” To prove his point, he moves to stand before you, forcing you to stop. “Just in case you haven't noticed.”

Of course, you noticed. But this time he stands closer, his chest almost touching yours. So you step back, biting your lip and looking down. “Yeah, you're tall. I got that.”

“So what's the deal with the age? Are you into older guys or something like that?” He starts walking backward, just a few steps until he's walking beside you again.

“No, that's not it.”

“Then what?”

Too many questions you don't want to answer. “It's a small town, Billy. People talk and I don't want them talking about me.”

“Oh, yeah. You overthink.” He chuckles, lightly elbowing your arm. “To hell with what people may or may not say. This isn't about them, it's about us.”

“There isn't-” You're cut short when your foot slips, making you lose your balance for a moment, and if it wasn't for Billy's strong arms, you'd have fallen. “Whoa.” You gasp, holding on to his biceps.

“Careful, Princess.” He says with a smile, and, blushing, you clear your throat and step back, straightening your clothes.

“Thanks.” Catching your breath, you start walking again, back to where the cars are parked.

“See that over there?” Billy gestures at the other side of the quarry, and you spot a cliff. “If gives an amazing sight of everything. Wanna go there?”

Giving him a glance, you think about it. The places on your skin he just touched you are burning, and you wonder if that's just your mind playing tricks on you. This can't happen. This... Just isn't possible. Not for you. Billy is eighteen. Too young for you. If you were a bit younger, or him a bit older, maybe you could give it a try. But life is what it is, and there are things you can't change.

“Just so you can see it.” He speaks, and you notice you didn't answer him. “You don't have to make a big deal out of it. We'll be just two regular people hanging out.”

Sighing, you nod, following him to his Camaro. There's no need to turn this into something big. No need to see what doesn't exist. You know guys like Billy. They get tired soon after they see they can't get what they want. And since you won't give that to him, you know he'll get bored eventually, so there's no harm in going with him to a cliff.

Don't make a big deal out of small things, you tell yourself.

And Billy was right. The view is amazing. From up here, the quarry seems to be the most perfect shade of blue, and the woods are a perfect frame for it. You can see the kids down there, and you wave at them. Getting as close to the cliff as you can, you look down. It would be a hell of a fall.

“Damn, that's high.” You say, bending over a little.

“Yeah, don't do that.” Billy pulls you by the arm, making you give a few steps back. “What do you think?”

“It's beautiful.” Smiling, you look around, breathing in. “I've lived in Portland my whole life, so this is an amazing change.”

“Big city girl, huh?”

“Definitely. But I'm adapting well.”

“Why the hell did you come to this dipshit place?” Billy asks, and by the tone of his voice, you can tell he has no love for the town.

“My grandmother lived here.” The moment you say it, his face changes.

“You don't have to tell me.” He assures you, an apologetic look on his face.

“It's alright.” Walking back to his car, you lean against the door. “She always told me she'd bring me here one day, to know the town she grew up in. But that never happened so I wanted to come. When I found out that Indianapolis University was building a campus here, I decided to do this. So the moment my course started on the new campus I transferred.”

“You plan to live here? After college?”

“I don't know. The plan so far is to live here while studying. After... Not sure yet.” You find a big, flat rock on your left, walking there and sitting on it. From here, you can see the cliff, and part of the water down there. “You?”

“The moment I finish High School I'll drive back to California.”

“Oh, you're from Cali.” Crossing your legs, you look at him with a smile. Billy stands next to you since the rock isn't big enough for both of you. “Did you live near the beach? I always wanted to live near the beach. I think I'd go every day, it doesn't matter the weather. Just to look at the ocean.”

“Yes, I did.” There's a smile on his lips, the type of smile that tells you a story by itself. California is his home, and he can't wait to return. “It's beautiful. We wake up and go to sleep with the smell of salty water. The summers are very hot, so the beaches are full of people until late at night.”

Hearing him say these things makes you feel like you're there. “It sounds amazing. But why did you come here? California and Hawkins are completely different.”

“Neil's new wife.” He sighs, and you can feel the anger irradiating from him.

Grabbing his forearm, you offer him a small smile when he looks down at you. For some reason, you don't like to see him sad. Well, you don't like to see anyone sad, but this time is different. There's another feeling on top of that, which will remain unnamed since you don't know what it is. “What matters is that you'll go back.”

“I guess you're right.”

“My brother would like to live near the ocean. He wanted to work with whales and dolphins so I think he'd love to live in California.”

“What was his name?”

“James.” You say with a smile. “He was a nice kid. The moment he was born, he was my baby.” Chuckling to remember him, you look down at your hands. “I wasn't a very responsible child, but with him, I was almost an adult.”

“Why do I have the feeling you want to have kids one day?”

Biting your lip, you nod, getting up and gesturing at the bottom of the quarry. “And speaking about that, we should get back to them.”

“As you wish.” Billy starts moving to the car, and you're quick to follow.

You can't help but notice he drives much slower than before. Maybe it's just a kindness after you two shared part of your lives.

The rest of the morning goes by slowly. You and Billy chat more, watching the kids. It's almost midday when they're done, and Billy drives you home after dropping Dustin and Lucas off.

You leave the car after waving at him and Max, but when you're halfway to the front door, you notice him following you.

“What?” You ask, resuming your walking and stopping by the door.

“Nothing.” He shrugs his shoulders. “Just wanted to say that I had a nice time. At daylight. Even though the kids were involved.”

“We just spoke about sad things.” Playing with your keys, you mutter.

“Yeah. I never spoke about my mother with anyone. Ever.” Billy gets serious, so you look up at him. He really meant what he said.

“It took me years to speak about the accident. About grandma or Jimmy.” Sighing, you put a strand of hair behind your ear. “I couldn't even think about it. Couldn't get inside a car, couldn't see anything that reminded me of them, and, well, everything reminded me of them. Mostly Jimmy because he lived with me, so... I don't even know why I'm telling you all this. It just feels like–”

“Like we can share our pain with each other because we both know exactly how it feels to lose someone?”

Weakly, you nod. You never thought Billy Hargrove could be this... Deep. He comes out as an angry guy, who hates everything and everyone, getting all the girls he can just to show he can. But there's another side of him, more... Human. “Yeah. I....” You gesture at the door. “I gotta go. I have paperwork to finish today and I'll go out with some friends tonight, so...”

“Have fun. But don't do anything too crazy.”

“I won't be with you, so nothing crazy will happen, Hargrove.” Giggling, you take a look at the Camaro, finding a very curious Max looking at you. “We're being watched.”

“That little piece of shit.”

“Hey!” You immediately snap. “Don't say that about your sister.”

“She's not my sister.” He justifies, looking back at you.

“It doesn't matter. She's your sister now and it's your job to take care of her.”

“My job?”

“Yup.” Nodding, you unlock and push the door open. “See you around, Billy.” With a smile and a wave, you close the door.

Being finally out of his sight, where these blue eyes can't find you is good. But weird. You also had a good time, and you weren't expecting that.

The truth is you were expecting him to act like a teenager, rude and superficial, and you were waiting for the right time to talk him out of... This. But the time never came. Actually, you completely forgot that was your plan in the first place.

“Dear God, what's going on with me?” Breathing out, you go for your phone, dialing Tanya's number.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Tany. It's (Y/N).” You say, leaning against the wall. “Think you can come over a little earlier? I need to talk.”

@aunicornmademedoit @alexa4040 @goth-cowgirl-03 @nyctophilic0vitnir @minispice-1

[thorraborinn]

tumblr rec'd you to me and i pleasantly surprised to find a fellow Heathen in Lenapehoking/NYC! what are your thoughts on the local pagan/polytheist/Heathen communities?

So I don't actually live in NYC, I used to spend a lot of time there but rarely for heathen stuff and I don't think I've set foot in it since 2019. But there are a lot of cool heathens there, and it's actually a very young scene (NYC used to be basically run by Theodish and it was so toxic that it turned the scene into a smoking crater for years, but the people who eventually filled the gap are entirely different) that has been good about keeping away folkish and other bigots from the very beginning instead of needing to kick them out like a lot of other communities in the US. They used to have a lot of public events, partially so they could vet people and make sure they're not racists or transphobes or whatever before letting them get closer. I haven't really kept up with them though so I don't know what's going on these days, but if you wanted to make contact, I'd expect they'd be at Pagan Pride day in September, and if you don't want to wait you could get in contact with the NYC Troth Steward (you don't have to be Troth or interested in them or whatever).

The broader east coast regional community is fairly similar. Heathen social networks around here are mostly informal, but a major focal point is Northeast Thing in eastern Pennsylvania (previously East Coast Thing; there's also a separate thing now called East Coast Thing), a yearly gathering that whether or not you actually go has a big impact on the scene because it's forming and refreshing connections. That means that its rules about inclusion and Covid safety become the de facto standard for the area.

There used to be a much heavier folkish presence, and I assume they're all still here, but as far as I can tell all their stuff is word-of-mouth only now so you don't really have to worry about running into them by mistake. PA and northwest NJ used to be overrun with AFA but I don't think any of them still have public-facing presences (though they are definitely still around). Anyway the point is, you're very unlikely to have any chance encounters with racists these days, you should still vet people but it won't take a lot of work anymore and everyone will make their position unambiguous.

The whole area used to be very anti-Loki but changed very rapidly over the course of a few years. A very small handful of people locally are cool with Fenrir but the community at large is not. It would be very difficult to find people who are okay with, like, Surtr. The Troth just changed their policies to be inclusive of these figures and there's a bunch of whining about it happening locally. I have no horse in this fight but it's important to some people so I figured I'd mention it.

Personally I get very jaded when I do too much in-person heathenry outside of my close friends. I have pretty extreme philosophical and political differences from the average heathen and my religious beliefs are so intertwined with those that I usually end up feeling more alienation than connection. Really, this is my fault for having unrealistic expectations, but I honestly don't feel like I'm missing much anyway. I think maybe in-person heathenry is built around serving needs that I don't actually have myself, and I'm glad others find something in it even if I don't. My religious impulses are satisfied when I'm with my anarchist friends, and I do have close friendships with heathens who I met through the scene that transcend the problems I have with the scene in general.

I have had very little contact with non-heathen pagans and I can't really say much about them.

[letters-from-alex]

Wednesday, May 17, 2023

Dear V,

I had to bury my dog this morning.

My dad barged into my room, "Bobby."

"Hmm. Wh-what's up, Dad?" I responded, disoriented and confused as to why he would wake me up so abruptly. The sun wasn't even out yet.

"Zoey's dead."

I let out a deep sigh. "Shit" was all that came out. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't expecting this, but she was twelve years old and very sick. She couldn't jump anymore because of her obesity. She couldn't go outside on her own through the doggy door. She'd wheeze and cough every half-hour and constantly have accidents inside the house. Last Friday, her wheezing and coughing got noticeably worse. "I'll call the vet today," my dad said. Later that afternoon he said, "Her appointment is on Wednesday." I couldn't help the immediate thought that washed through my brain: she's not going to make it by then.

I looked at the clock-- 6:31 AM. "Can you come and help me pick her up? I don't want your mom to see anything."

"Yeah. I'll be right there." He closed the door behind him as I sat up to find my shoes. I put them on and stepped out into the hallway that led into the dining room area. I turned to my right, straight ahead, in the living room, I could see my black dachshund laying lifeless just three feet from the backyard door. A memory of when I picked her up just when she was exactly six weeks old flashed before my eyes. I remember going to this woman's house. She would only breed dachshunds. My dad let me choose which of the three that were left that I wanted. I chose Zoey because she was the smallest of the three, but she still liked to put up a fight. And how when my dad was driving all of us back home and how she was so small that she fit in the palm of my hand. And how on that first night together, she insisted on sleeping with me instead of her own bed. She was so tiny that I thought I would turn over on top of her and suffocate her, but she found a sweet spot when she laid her entire body across my neck. I was surprisingly comfortable and slept soundly with her. My subconscious must have known she was there because I did not move once throughout the night.

"She didn't even make it to the door," my dad said with a low monotonous voice. I stayed silent. I didn't know what to say. She was laying in a pool of her own urine, mouth open, purple tongue glued to the ground, and a pile of stool at the end of her anus which was all I could smell.

My dad and I went into the kitchen to grab a trash bag and slip on some nitrile gloves. As we walked back to the living room, my dad noticed the bedroom light was on in his room. "Hold on to this," he said as he handed me the trash bag. "I'm going to tell your mother not to come out and leave the dogs in there." I nodded.

As he got my mom up to speed with what was going on, I took the time to be by Zoey's side. I caressed her body from head to abdomen and told her that I wished I could've been there for her while she took her last breath. It kills me a little inside that we were all asleep while she was dying. "You're not in pain anymore," I said, still petting her. "You're going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. And I already miss you, but I hope I see you again someday in my dreams." I choked up a little and held back my tears. "I love you, Zoey."

My dad walked up to us and put on his gloves. I mimicked his action. He took the bag from me and opened it up and laid it across the ground next to her. "Can you pick her up? I can't with my bad back." I cleared my throat. "Yeah."

I've had my fair share of dogs dying in my life, but this was the first one that I witnessed that wasn't laid to rest by the hands of a veterinarian and stuffed in a box so I wouldn't see the bodies. No, this one hit different. Picking her up, something so lifeless and such dead weight, made my heart clench. I had to support her neck as I lifted her, urine dripping off her body as I placed her on top of the bag. My dad closed it up, sighed, and asked me to open the back door as he carried her outside.

Walking up to the burial site was like a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's like we both knew where we were going without telling each other because it went without saying that she would be buried next to her siblings. And that's when all my bottled up emotions hit me like a tidal wave. Not only was I living in this moment, but I was living in two different exact moments from my past: March 26, 2011 and December 10, 2016. It's hard to explain the exact feeling. It was like living through déjà vu, but only it wasn't. It's like I could see myself from outside my body. I watched myself dig a hole for the third time.

My eyes got watery, but I didn't want to cry in front of my dad. And it wasn't because I was ashamed to cry or anything, but I thought if I did, then he would and I guess I was just trying to be strong for him. He was closer to her in the end than I was and even in this moment as I write this to you, I have no idea exactly how he's feeling. As much as I wish that we were closer than what we are, we're not. We don't ever ask each other how we're doing, but that's something I'm still trying to find the courage to do...

We stopped and laid Zoey down by her soon-to-be gravesite as my dad went into the shed nearby and grabbed a shovel. "I've got this. You go inside and clean up." I nodded in acknowledgment. I had a feeling he just needed his alone time to mourn.

I followed his direction, walked inside my house, and stepped toward the kitchen to grab the cleaning supplies and a fresh pair of gloves. As I walked closer, I could hear my mom going through the cupboards. She turned to me, her face droopier than usual, her eyes puffier than normal. "Pobrecita," she said.

"Yeah. I know." I sighed.

I opened the cupboard underneath the sink to find the bleach, but as soon as I opened it, for a moment, I forgot what I was looking for. I ransacked the cupboard and couldn't find anything worth using.

"Are you looking for the bleach?" My mom asked.

"Yeah."

"It's right there, honey," as she pointed to a bottle right in front of me.

"Oh. Thanks."

I grabbed the bleach and turned around to grab a roll of paper towels and walked hastily back to the scene of the crime before my mom could try to console me which I knew would result in tears.

Once back, I stood there where she once laid, on this pool of urine and stool. I froze and thought to myself, this is the last time I'm ever going to have to pick up one of her accidents.

---

I don't mean to burden you with my day, V. You see, when tragedy strikes, I push people away. I keep to myself and I pretend like everything is okay even when I'm burning with sorrow on the inside because the last thing I want on a day like today is somebody feeling sorry for me-- to pity me and only make me feel better because "Oh. Poor Bobby lost his dog today. What should I do to make him feel better?" I can't handle that thought. And although I push friends away and I avoid phone calls and text messages, when tragedy strikes, I can't help but only want to talk to you, to be serenaded by your voice. I can't help but only want to be with you, to be blessed by your presence. I just can't help it and I fucking hate it.

I miss you so much V and someday one of us is going to be buried before the other. And if I die before you, I'll die wondering if you'll even care if I'm dead, much less go to my funeral. And if you die before me, you'll die never knowing how much I truly loved you even after everything you put me through. You won't know what it meant to me that I got to be with you for a short time of my life and yes I was upset for almost five years that you left without saying goodbye, but I don't hate you for it. I could never hate you. You left the way you did because you thought it was the best for the both of us. And maybe it was, but here I am, six years later still waiting for you, hoping we could go back to being friends instead of the strangers we are now.

It doesn't get easier... losing a loved one. No matter how many people or animals or things you've lost in your life... it just doesn't ever get easier. And I hate to admit, even after today, you're still the hardest thing I've lost in my entire life and I'm living in a constant battle of letting you go or waiting for you to come back. I never know what to do. Not when it comes to you.

I'm really sorry for all this. I haven't written to you in a very long time because I am trying my best to get over you, but you still cross my mind every fucking day no matter how much mental effort I use to push you to the back of my brain. If only it were that easy, right? Then I wouldn't be writing this letter to you and wasting my time on someone who doesn't even care to read this, much less check up on me to see how I'm doing.

still holding my breath, bobby

[allylikethecat]

Sleepover Saturday (Sunday)

Tell me about how you got into the equestrian world! I know nothing about horses and what being an equestrian entails

Happy Sleepover Saturday (Sunday) (but now really Monday...)

Thank you for sending this in! I'm sorry for not getting to it yesterday! I do think it's funny though because your question is about me getting into the equestrian world and I didn't look at any asks yesterday because I was at a horse show 😂 I apologize for this being SO LONG horses are like my favorite thing lol.

Anyway! I've always been obsessed with horses, but didn't have the opportunity to ride super regularly as a kid because I grew up in a metropolitan city. I had a neighbor growing up that would take pity on me and let me tag along to the barn with her, and take lessons / ride her retired mare but I never got to compete or really advance as much as I wanted to. My parents are NOT into animals at all and were very much just not into the idea of it? I was dumped into literally every other sport / activity as a child (I actually sailed competitively for a little bit in high school and for fun a little bit in college and also was super into scuba diving for a bit there before I blew out my ear drum lol).

After I graduated college I moved to an area for my job where horses were a lot more accessible and the first thing I did with my adult money was start taking regular riding lessons. From there I met my wonderful trainer and also Pop and ended up impulsively buying him. Which, don't recommend BUT it all worked out for me. He is my absolute best friend and is so down for every ridiculous idea I come up with and I have been lucky enough to be able to travel and show him at various rated shows in the Western half of the US. He is my heart horse and the absolute love of my life and I don't think I would have made it through all the covid lock downs without him. 🥰

I usually try and ride 5-6 days a week (the barn is closed one day a week) and he lives at a full care boutique show barn which means his "people" handle all of his day to day care (cleaning his stall / feeding him / turning him out every day / riding him when I don't / managing his vet care and farrier schedule / his magnawave appointments because he's spoiled). Days that I ride I'll go up after work and groom him, tack him up and either hack him on the flat (he's getting older so we do a lot of bending to keep him loose!) or have a lesson. I usually try and take one flat lesson a week and one jumping lesson (he doesn't jump more than once a week unless we are at a show). If the weather is nice I also try and take him out on a trail ride a few times a month. Then I'll cool him out, groom him again, and then we'll hang out either grazing or eating treats and getting pets in his stall.

Thank you so much for sending this ask and indulging me in my horse girlness! I'm excited post the Equestrian AU after I finish the Christmas fic! I hope you have a very happy Monday and a great week!

❤️Ally

[crystalelemental]

Today has been an absolute fucking shitshow.

I want to preface this with the knowledge that this cat is the first pet I've really had. My family had dogs, but it was...let's just say it was not a good situation, and we tended to get rid of the dogs before they were in a position to be put down. So a lot of this is new to me, I don't know what's normal, and every time we talked about the situation to people, we got the same response: "You're doing this right, it's better to go a day early than a day late."

To jump to the conclusion: babycat is still alive. The vet did come over, and talked about how all things considered, she still seemed in decent condition. Super lethargic and a little raspy, but apparently the fact she's still eating is sufficient to say she's doing okay. But he checked her lungs too, and apparently they're surprisingly clear? So like. Okay. Strongest diseased lungs. Far surpassing expectations on life expectancy. He said she would likely survive through New Years, into the week they'd be open again.

So okay, now the fuckery.

This was scheduled for 12-2. Somewhere in there, hard to say exactly when given schedules run late sometimes, but in that area. We get a call at 12:20, asking when we're bringing her in. ...no, you're coming to us. That was the entire reason for scheduling this, was that she's scared to go to the office and scared to go in her carry case by association. We're not doing that to her. After some apologies and an explanation that they don't usually do in-home for cats (but do for dogs, go fucking figure), in addition to my wife cancelling because I couldn't talk I was crying so hard, and them calling back to offer coming out after hours due to the mix-up, we were back on for this. Only for him to show up, look at her, and ask us what made us think this was the time. As if you didn't tell us we needed to schedule in advance for in-home.

So at this point, we're not doing in-home. This is the only local vet, but to be honest, this was a disaster. He doesn't even seem to remember that he scheduled this appointment for us personally with this condition in mind. And when we talked about options, and how the in-home could be scheduled again but if something happens before then, what do? My bottom line was, if we needed to, we could bring her in. All I would ask is that we be there with her.

And we could not get a straight answer. He didn't say no, but he sure didn't say yes. If anything it sounded like the expectation is drop off the pet and he'll do it between appointments. Which. No. I'm not bringing her, leaving her, alone and scared, until they decide they can sneak it in.

We were so clear about all of this. I cannot stress enough that we spent that entire appointment doing nothing but talking about needing to be there and therefore doing it at home. And it fell through spectacularly. Worse than I could've imagined. And now we're being told that, if we don't schedule in advance for the home visit, that we may not even be able to stay with her when they do have to put her down? No. No, we will travel the hour to an urgent care when it's time, and we will be staying with her. I'm so done with this. I'm so mad.

The good news is, cat remains. Her diseased baby lungs are still powerful, it seems. She's definitely on the decline, but we get more time, and we're not agonizing over whether it's too soon or whatever. We're going somewhere they'll let us stay with her. I don't know how long it will be. She declined quickly and this may come on quickly. But I am far, far too tired now to think about this. My baby is still alive, and as long as she is, we're going to take care of her. And when it's her time to go, we're going to be there with her, no matter how far we have to go to make it happen.

[hollow-knight-husbandry]

Hello,first of all I want to say that you're a godsend to this community filled with people like TPK.

Second of all, sorry for the upcoming long post...

I've been a proud owner of a Silky Hornet (named...Hornet bc I suck at names) for almost a year now and she is a very happy girl (in Hornet standarts..lots of noises and brooding).

Since I have the space for it I made her a huge enclosure at my backyard similiar to the enclose she has inside so I can take her out to get some sun and have a change of pace while I work in my garden (don't worry I check the encosure everytime I take her out to make sure nothing got in or out) but lately there has been this..bug that visits her whenever she is in her outside closure.

At first my Hornet seemed..agitated or even angry towards this bug so I chased it away a few times. But it kept coming back and my Hornet got used to it and now they look and paw at eachother through the glass and chase eachother playfully around the enclosure.

I think it even tried to break my Hornet out from her enclosure, and my Hornet bought some of her berries for it to eat, but due to glass it couldn't take them.

For the longest time I wasn't able to fully see what kind of bug it was bc it always ran away when I approached it but after leaving some berries for it I managed to catch a glimpse at it.

It kinda looks like a mushroom?

It's fully white with a black face and it's head resembles a mushroom and honestly looks quite cute. Ever since I started leaving berries for it, it became more docile and even let me pet it once, so I think it might have had a owner before, I want to catch it without scaring it so I can take it to a vet for it to get checked for anything and possibly adopt it because both it and my Hornet seem fond of eachother.

Do you have any info on what kind of bug it is and how should I proceed with all this?

Sounds like a feral white lacehead! White laceheads are a domesticated insect that is rarer than other domesticated bugs, but very pretty. They can cohabitate with hornets, but remember that hornets can be territorial so if you keep the lacehead she should have her own enclosure. They can be together on neutral ground though!

When they’re together, keep an eye on them. Laceheads like to spar for fun, but your hornet may not understand (especially since they’re different species) or want to partake in a play fight. Learn to tell the difference between a play fight and a real fight—a real fight will make a lot more noise and they’ll try to hit each other’s bodies, as opposed to play fighting where they’ll merely hit each other’s weapons together.

Laceheads aren’t my specialty, but a visit to a lacehead-savvy exotic vet is a very good idea.

Fun fact: While the first captive hollow knights originated in the long-fallen Hallownest civilization of Australia, domesticated laceheads are from another civilized area called the Pharloom. The people of Pharloom are doing well to this day, upholding their culture and their faith as best they can. They were introduced to the silky hornet a very long time ago, which found its way into their folklore, and they worship it as the goddess of silk and song, two things they consider very important. (This is where the Silksong myth started!)

[allwaswell16]

Welp I have 6 fics written in 2021 that I tagged as "Fav" when I bookmarked them (I've read a LOT of fic this year so far and so much has been really great) but these are the two I've already read more than once:

no good unless it's real by fackinglouis (I literally read this one again immediately after finishing it)

baby, let me love you goodbye by ohpleaselarry (LISTEN I couldn't stop thinking about this one and sent the link to a bunch of people I may have to read it again today)

<333

lollll okay Gillian we're putting all yours together in here! (She sent a few more via dm haha) Thanks for sending in these recs! ily

no good unless it's real by fackinglouis / @fackinglouis

“Here,” Harry says, pulling a strap off his shoulder so he can dig his phone out of his bag. “We can get each other’s numbers.” Louis shakes his head. “I have the practice’s number already,” he tells him. “And my number is definitely on file somewhere.”

Harry pauses, smile quirking a bit as he stares at Louis. The sun is still in his eyes, though, with his sunglasses pushed up onto his head still, so Louis credits his funny face to that.

“I’m trying to give you my number, Louis,” Harry explains around a breathy laugh.

“Oh,” Louis blinks, processing that. He scratches his temple, moves a piece of longer fringe back behind his ear, and then nods. “Okay.”

Or: Louis is a very busy farmer who’s just trying to make it to his next nap and Harry’s the new hot vet that’s determined to infiltrate every area of his life.

baby, let me love you goodbye by ohpleaselarry / @ohpleaselarry

Daddy, he’d almost said. Daddy. That’s, that’s porn shit. Dirty and as far as he’d always thought, cheap and vaguely gross. He’s never wanted to say it, let alone even thought it. He doesn’t even know why he almost did. Isn’t sure which part made his fuzzed brain throw it out.

He can’t think of himself genuinely saying something like that. Not in bed. Not with Harry.

Not with Harry, fuck. His—his Harry. His friend with benefits?

OR

Louis almost calls Harry daddy. Cue denial, feelings, and way too much dirty talk.

But If This Ends by nonsensedarling / @absoloutenonsense

Harry’s life as a vampire is routine. He spends his years moving around from place to place, learning as much as he can, and falling in love whenever the universe sees fit. When he tries to move his casual relationship with Louis to something more, it all gets turned on its head. As they navigate confusing thoughts and complex emotions, Harry finds himself torn between the love he feels for Louis and everything he thought he knew.

The One Who's In Control by QuickedWeen / @becomeawendybird

Harry—single and alone with her thoughts—gets an idea. Develops a fantasy. Then, she finds a way to fulfill that fantasy.

a yuzu grows in brooklyn by stylinsoncity / @aliensingucci

harry is a recent implant in new york and a young chef opening a restaurant called yuzu. louis, a music teacher and broadway lover, has been around the block for a while. in a city that's so fast-paced, they're slow to catch on to each other.

Among Lavender Fields by homosociallyyours / @homosociallyyours

At twenty-one, Louis Tomlinson is more than ready to shed the girl next door image that's been with her since her entry into film in her childhood, but with a mother and father steeped in Hollywood tradition it's felt impossible. Meanwhile, Harry Styles is a young, struggling musician new to London, friendless yet eager for the next phase of her life to begin.

When French director Marie Coutard casts the two of them in her film, it's a chance for both to break away from the people they've been. Together, they struggle through an acting process that's new and unfamiliar for both of them, learning more than they could've imagined about themselves along the way. As they spend long days picking lavender and long nights sharing the things they've never been able to tell anyone else, their love blooms.

Will the flower fade, or will the love they make among lavender fields be one they carry with them to the end?

Send me your favorite fic from 2021!

[tuiccim]

Santi (Part 3)

Pairing: Bucky X Reader

Words: 4538

Warnings: Fluff, flirt, Smut

Summary: While the team is still gone on their mission, you (Santi) and Bucky get called on for your own. 

Santi Masterlist

You managed a few hours of sleep. When you wake up you see the knife dried with some of your blood on the nightstand. You slip on some shorts and take the knife with you to the kitchen, wash it, and then start making coffee.

"Good morning." You hear from behind. You turn to see Bucky in a tank and grey sweatpants looking rested.

"Good morning. How did you sleep after…?" You leave the question unfinished.

"Best I've slept in a while. A long while. Took a lot of effort to get out of bed." He smiles and your heart flip flops. He looks so content.

"I'm glad."

"What about you? You seem like you're still tired."

"I'm good. I've never really been able to sleep well." You shrug. Bucky notices his knife on the counter, picks it up and looks at it, then looks at you. You raise an eyebrow, "Thought you'd want it back."

"Yeah. It's my favorite." He twirls it in his hand.

"I figured. Being under your pillow and all." You smirk, "Boys and their toys."

"I stabbed you." You hear the sadness in his voice.

"Buck, it's fine. I'm fine. And that stays between us."

He looks at you but his face is still sad.

"Besides," you continue, "Nat's been telling me I needed a good stabbing lately. Course, I don't think that's exactly what she had in mind." You laugh darkly. 

Bucky's face is unreadable as you turn to pull two mugs down for coffee. When you turn back around you are blocked by a wall of Bucky. You look up into his stern face. "It was just a joke, Bucky. You can laugh."

"Why'd you pull away last night?"

You knew exactly what he meant but something in you wanted to be coy, "I didn't. What do you mean?"

"Fine. Why'd you pull up, then? Kissed my forehead."

You bit your lip, "I… you...I had just imbued you. It can be confusing. For everyone."

"I wasn't confused." Bucky was staring a hole through you and at that moment his eyes flickered to your mouth for just a moment. 

"But I was." You said quickly, "I wasn't sure if it was the emotional high or the fear from the nightmare. My empathic abilities have wreaked havoc in the past. I want to be sure a kiss is about me, not just the heat of the moment. And I...I couldn't tell."

"What about right now?" He says. Those blue eyes challenging you while still remaining soft. You could scarcely breathe. Bucky had moved closer and closer as you had talked. There was barely an inch between your bodies. His face hovered just above yours.

FRIDAY chimes in, "Agent Delarosa." 

You take a deep breath. "You're timing sucks, FRIDAY." Santi says, keeping eye contact with Bucky

"My apologies. Priority One communication."

Separating yourself from Bucky, you smooth your hair before saying, "On screen."

Maria Hill's image appears, "Agent Delarosa. Sergeant Barnes."

"Agent Hill." You say suspiciously, knowing only one reason could be behind a call from her. You had a grudging respect for Maria but the two of you had never been overly friendly.

Hill begins immediately, "A top priority mission has come up. We believe we've found a Hydra base containing operations intel. Security looks minor. The two of you should be able to clear it. I've sent the information to you. Good luck."

You glance back at Bucky who nods affirmation of acceptance. "Yeah, sure. We'll go. Sounds like fun." You say sarcastically to Hill. 

"Is there a problem, Agent?"

"Captain Rogers is gonna be pissed."

"Can't be helped. Check in. 36 hours"

"You got it, kid."

"Ag…"

"FRIDAY, Screen off." You cut Hill off. Doesn't hurt to remind her you have 20 years more experience occasionally. You turn to Bucky, grabbing him by the tank, you pull him flush against you. Looking up into his incredibly blue eyes you say, “Conversation to be continued?”

“Yeah, Doll.”

“Good. We've got a mission. Suit up. Quinjet, 20 minutes."

"You're kinda hot when you're all business." Bucky surprises you by saying. 

“Only kinda?” You say with a smirk before heading to your room to change. 

15 minutes later you board the quinjet. Bucky is already there and has begun preflight. You stow your gear and head towards the cockpit. Bucky looks up and gives you a slow once over. He’s not seen you in your tactical gear before which include a tight suit, boots, holster with guns at your hips and a selection of knives. You give a slow turn to ensure he gets a full view. 

“Do I pass muster, Sergeant Barnes?” You say with hands on hips.

Bucky’s eyes say it all but his gravelly voice is even more telling. “Definitely hot when you're all business."

You let out a small giggle. "Let's hit it."

Once in the air and the autopilot set, Bucky relaxes in his chair. You look over to find him staring at you. "Nervous?" You say.

He rolls his shoulders, "I'm…I'm not sure."

"I'm always a little nervous." You say looking at your tablet. "Hopefully, the intel is right. It doesn't look like more than half a dozen guards. The base is small." 

"Do you have a schematic?"

"Yeah. Looks like our best point of entry is to go through this side door. It leads to the center of the base and connects to the main corridors."

"What is the main target?"

"Computer system at the center of the base. Then a general sweep for any unknowns. We should be able to turn and burn. Probably beat the team back. Speaking of, I should call Steve. He's gonna flip."

Bucky gives you a look that clearly says better you than me. You dial Steve saying under your breath "Don't pick up, don't pick up, don't pick up." Bucky chuckles as Steve picks up on the third ring. 

"Hey, Santi."

"Hey, Steve. How's the mission going?"

"So far, so good. We are still on track to be home tomorrow. How is Bucky doing?"

"Hey Buck, Steve wants to know how you're doing." 

"Tell the punk I'm fine." Bucky grumbles good naturedly.

"He says he's fine, punk." You laugh.

"Sounds like the jerk." Steve says.

"Yeah, so, gotta call from Hill."

"What? Why?" You can hear Steve's mind go into overdrive 

"Quick mission. We are heading to grab some intel." You breeze.

"What!?!" Steve's voice is hard.

"I heard that all the way over here." Bucky smirks from the cockpit.

"Yeah, he's heartbroken that I'm taking your virginity on this one." You sass to Bucky and hear Steve practically choke through the phone. 

"Santi!" Steve says in his aggravated tone. "Why did you accept?"

"Oh, yeah, like there was a way to turn it down. Plus, Barnes is the one that accepted." You say.

"Me?" Bucky reacts.

"You nodded. It's all your fault" You call to Bucky before turning back to the phone, "He takes full responsibility, Steve. Steve?...Steve I can hear you pulling your hair out over the phone. Stop!"

"What's the mission?" Steve asks.

"Don't worry I'm taking it easy on the first timer over here." You say grinning.

Bucky pipes up, "Hardly my first mission, Santi."

"I'll be gentle with him, Steve. I know how hard the first time back in the saddle can be. I'll return him without a scratch." You give Bucky a shit eating grin while he shakes his head.

"Santi!" Steve's aggravated voice.

"Small base. Turn and burn. Intel sweep. No biggie. Chill. I got your boy. I'll check in tomorrow. Bye."

"Be safe." Steve grouses.

"You got it, Cap." Ending the call, you turn to Bucky. "That wasn't so bad."

"That mouth of yours." Bucky chuckles.

"What about it?" You say innocently.

Bucky looks at your smile for a minute before his eyes flicker up to yours. "It's gonna get you into some dangerous situations."

"Oh but it gets me out of so many. What can I say? I have a very limber tongue." You say with a knowing grin. 

"I look forward to testing that out." Bucky shifts in his chair. 

"Uncomfortable?" Your eyes linger on his thick thighs.

"Let's just say the space is getting a little tight in here."

You chuckle, "Well, as much as I would love to continue this conversation we best get back to work. We need to go over everything and agree on tactics."

"You got it, Doll." Bucky shifts again in his seat but turns his attention to the tablet you're holding. Two hours later you're in the back of the quinjet triple checking the supplies. Finding everything in order you head back to the cockpit. "How are we looking?" 

"Closing in." Bucky says.

"You've got the landing coordinates in?"

"Yes."

"Is stealth ready?"

Bucky eyes you, remaining silent.

"Sorry." You say taking a deep breath. "I start to get keyed up and tend to micromanage."

"It's cute, Doll. Everything's ready. Is it me making you nervous?"

"No." You say with a shake of your head.

"Because I know we've never worked together before."

"It's not that. It's just me. I'm always like this before a mission. I'll mellow out by the time we get there." You flash him a nervous smile while bouncing on the balls of your feet. Might as well let him see your quirks now. "You should have seen me the first time I was on mission with Clint and Natasha. They were like a well oiled machine together and here I am a bundle of nerves. I think Nat might have tied me to a chair if Clint hadn't been there. Nat will tell you the story at some point but she says before we got there it was like I'd never been on a mission before and it wasn't until after we landed she saw the seasoned vet come out." 

"Well, we're almost there. It’s a trek to the base once we set down."

"Everything's ready." You felt the quinjet adjust trajectory and knew it must be approaching the landing space. Bucky turns back to the controls and watches as the jet approaches a clearing in the heavily wooded area. As soon as you land you both begin securing the jet and then carefully step out onto the terrain. After ensuring the area is secure Bucky nods his head in the direction you need to move and you follow.

After a while you spot the base and make out the entrance you had indicated on the schematic. One guard stood sentry by the post. Looking over to Bucky you see him take aim at the guard with his sidearm but you hold up your hand with a slight shake of your head. Instead you take out a small taser disc he immediately recognizes. However, Bucky looks at you, shakes his head and motions with the firearm. You stare at each other for a minute. A battle of wills going on before you fling the disc at the camera over the door. The guard looks up surprised and Bucky takes his shot. Together, you carefully make your way to the door. 

"Thought we should get rid of the camera before the guard." You smile slyly at him.

"I was going to take them both out with one shot." He grins at you for just a moment. 

"Right." You say while rolling your eyes.

Bucky hauls the guard up and places his thumb on the door scanner. It flashes green allowing your entrance. Inside it's quiet and dim. You take the lead and slowly make your way down the hall. Nearing the main corridors you spot another camera and fling a second disc at it. You round the corner and find yourself suddenly flying through the air slamming your right shoulder into the opposite wall. You fall to the ground stunned. The behemoth that threw you looks down at you but suddenly drops as a bullet tears through his skull.

"Santi, are you alright?"

"Fuck. Are there any more coming?" You struggle to your feet.

"No. Are you alright?" Bucky says insistently. 

"My shoulders dislocated. I need you to put it back in place." You grimace as your arm dangles.

"Shit." Bucky eyes your arm. 

"I'll be fine. Just gotta get it back in." You grab one of your knives and bite down on the grip. Nodding to Bucky, he takes your arm and expertly snaps it into place. You internalize your scream as much as possible. After a few moments you take the knife from your mouth and put it back in place, breathing heavily. Bucky has one arm holding out his gun to protect you and another holding you steady as your breathing returns to normal. "Fuck, that hurts everytime."

"Shit, I'm sorry." Bucky says.

"It's fine. It'll be completely healed in another minute." Rolling your shoulder, you wince and grab your gun. "Two down. Let's go."

Bucky nods and takes point. You make quick work of the remaining guards but remain on alert. When you enter the center of the base you cross quickly to the computer bank and begin work. 

"Know what you're doing?" Bucky jokes.

"Vaffanculo." You smirk.

"The mouth on you." He laughs.

"This is gonna take a few." You murmur as you work through the intel. Bucky remains vigilant while examining the rest of the room. 

"Got it." You say pulling the thumb drive from the port. You click through the security feed to see if any threats or areas of interest pop up. "Bucky, there's something in storage. Off the southwest corridor." 

"Let's go." He says. Both moving quickly you head to the storage room and find it lined with boxes. Bucky breaks the first one open and you look inside.

"This is all Chitauri weapons and armor." 

"You sound disappointed." Bucky says.

"Would've preferred something interesting." You shrug.

"What should we do with it?" Bucky asks. 

"Destroy it." You say. "We'll hit the base from the quinjet. Take the whole thing out."

"You sure?" He says.

"Standard order for finds like this. We don't want it and we don't want anyone else to have it." You head out the door and Bucky follows. Back at the quinjet, Bucky fires everything up while you set coordinates for the base destruction. The quinjet lifts off and once you reach a fair distance you see the base become a ball of fire.

"Turn and burn." You say as you and Bucky watch it for a moment. Bucky sets the autopilot and you both sit back in the pilot chairs to relax for a few minutes. You turn to him, "Congrats on your first mission."

"How's the shoulder?" He asks.

"Did something happen to my shoulder?" You ask mockingly.

"You heal but it still hurts, huh?" Bucky looks over at you.

"Yup." You say quietly.

"Is there anything you can't heal?"

"Not that I've found yet. I've been shot, stabbed, poisoned. Even took a bullet to the heart and still healed." You shrug. "Never been shot in the head though. That might be the one thing that can end me. I don't know." 

"Let's not test it out." Bucky raises an eyebrow at you.

You laugh, "Not planning on it. I'm starving. You want some food?"

"Yeah. That'd be great."

You head to the back of the quinjet to rummage around for the protein bars and two plums you had thrown in your pack. Bucky smiled as you handed him two of the bars and a plum. 

"Sorry it's not a nicer dinner." You say as you take your seat again.

"It'll work for now. Maybe I can take you to a nicer dinner?" Bucky blushes a bit as he looks over at you.

"You asking me on a date?" You smile at him.

"Yeah, Doll. You accepting?"

"Yes, sir, Sergeant. I'd be delighted." You grin at him.

"Steve said the team will be back tomorrow?"

"Yeah."

"How about the next day?" Bucky cocks an eyebrow.

"I like the way you think, Sargeant. Give time for everyone to debrief and settle." Good God, looking at the man was making you hot. You question if you've ever been as attracted to someone. Not jumping him was gonna be hard. Your tongue darts out to moisten your lips and you bite down on your lower lip as you look into his eyes.

"Doll, don't do that."

"What?" 

He just stares at your mouth for a minute.

You smile wickedly. "This?" You repeat the action and he groans."Why, Sergeant, are you having impure thoughts about me?"

"Doll, I've been having impure thoughts about you since I saw you bite into that plum when we first met."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Good. Me, too."

"Really?"

Quickly, you maneuver yourself onto your knees in your seat and, leaning over the console, pull Bucky in for a kiss. Your mouths meld and tongues dance as fire rips through both of you. When you manage to pull away, you're both breathless for a minute. "Really, really." You whisper against his lips.

"That mouth of yours is gonna be the death of me."

You grin, "Don't worry I know mouth to mouth." You both chuckle as you pull together for another kiss. 

After a minute you pull away and sit back down with a stupid grin on your face. Looking at him you're a little scared of the feelings welling up in you and whether Bucky was feeling the same way. You had gone from 0 to 100 quickly. Was it too fast? The old temptation to slip into his mind and decipher his emotions was strong and you had to fight it. It wasn’t right. Not without his consent. It was a violation. You didn’t care when it came to the enemy, but it was a matter of trust when it came to friends. He was staring out the windshield as you sat there pondering and studying his profile. He is so beautiful. Take it as it comes, Santi, you remind yourself. 

“You gonna fall asleep on me? “ You joke. 

“I’m a little too worked up to sleep.” He says with a wink. 

“We have a little over an hour left til we’re back. I’m gonna try to get the mission report done if you have no objections.”

“Doing the paperwork for the mission? Nope, not gonna object at all.” He grins. 

You laugh, “You’ll still have to read and sign it.”

“No problem.”

You get to work and by the time the jet is descending Bucky has reviewed and signed off on the report. He jokingly comments on your omission of your shoulder dislocation and glowing description of his work. 

“I figured I’d make you look good since it was your first mission as an Avenger.” You smirk.

Once the jet lands, you grab your gear. Going over to the console on the wall, you insert the thumb drive and upload the intel that was gathered. 

“F.R.I.D.A.Y., call Maria Hill please.” You say. 

“Yes, Agent Delarosa.” F.R.I.D.A.Y. responds. 

“Hill.” Maria’s face is on screen. 

“Hey, kid!” You smirk.

“Agent Delarosa.” Maria deadpans.

“Intel is uploaded. Mission report is filed. That must be a record.” 

“Good work, Agent, Sergeant.” Hill nods at both of you. 

“Seriously? That’s all you got? Come on, Hill, you gave us 36 hours and we finished in less than a third of the time. Gimme a little love. You know you want to.” You sass Hill and despite herself you see a little smile form. 

“Maybe next time. If you stop referring to me as kid.” Maria sasses back. 

“You should have more respect for your elders, young lady.” You blow her a kiss and wink as you say, “F.R.I.D.A.Y., screen off.”

Bucky looks as if he is holding back laughter. You smile at him, “Okay. I’m ready to get out of this gear, have a shower, and find some real food. How about you?” 

“My shower or yours?” Bucky raises an eyebrow. 

“Nice try.” You smirk as you head to the elevator. 

“You’re breaking my heart, Doll.” Bucky smirks back. 

Forty-five minutes later you meet Bucky in the kitchen and together make a quick dinner. After eating, you both settle on the couch.

“Whatcha wanna watch?” You ask.

“Something funny?” He says.

You smile, “I was thinking the same thing. Have you ever seen Bad Boys? It’s a mix of comedy and action.”

“Sounds good to me.”

You start the movie and within minutes Bucky has grabbed you by the waist to pull you to him. You lean into him and curl your fingers around his metal ones. It feels so right and easy. Bucky seems to love the movie. He laughs and enjoys the action sequences. Occasionally, he murmurs a question in your ear about different references. You had to pause for a minute to explain to him about the show Cops and the song Bad Boys. He seems to appreciate your willingness to explain and patience. When the movie ends, you look over at Bucky to find him staring at you. 

“What?” You say smiling. He doesn’t answer but leans in for a kiss. You respond immediately. His lips are so soft and you lose yourself in the feel of them. He shifts closer to you and you feel his hand on your waist pulling you in. Your tongues seek each other almost desperately. Arching into him, he groans. When you finally separate moments later you are both breathless and staring into each other's eyes. 

Bucky is the first to speak, “You know you’re pretty amazing?”

“Yeah? You’re pretty amazing, too.” You press a soft kiss to his lips. Standing up, you hold your hand out to him and he follows you to the elevator. As you hit the button for your floor, you say, “The team will be back tomorrow.”

“Yeah.”

“Wanna have a sleepover on our last night alone?” You look at him feeling nervous and bite your lower lip. 

The elevator doors open and Bucky backs you into the hallway wall. “What did I tell you about biting your lip like that?”

“Do it whenever I want to get my way?” You smile at him. 

He kisses you. A hard stamp on the lips. “It’s, um, it’s been awhile since i’ve had a sleepover.”

“I’ll go easy on ya.” 

“Not too easy, Doll.”

You lead Bucky to your room and pull him in for a kiss as you back both of you to the bed. He brings his hands up to cup your face and pulls away to look into your eyes. "Are you sure, Doll?"

Wordlessly, you lift your arms up so he can easily remove your shirt. He tosses it to the side and pulls his own off. Gently, he lays you back on the bed and melds his mouth to yours. Your hands travel over his hard chest feeling the muscles ripple before making their way to his waist where you pull his body even closer to you. He groans into your mouth as he lifts you slightly to unfasten your bra and slip it off your arms. You lay back with your arms above your head as he stares down at you. 

"You're gorgeous, Doll. All of you." He says before lowering his head to take a nipple into his mouth. You suck in a breath as he lavishes attention on your breasts. 

"Ohhhh...Bucky," you whisper as he slowly moves his hands to the waistband of your leggings and pauses, "yes."

He pulls your leggings and panties off as you reach to undo his pants. Pushing his pants down his legs he is already hard and you’ve barely touched him. You put a hand to his chest and push him down onto the bed. You devour him with your eyes and slowly slide hands down to his cock. He hisses with jaw clenched when you touch him. Unable to resist, you wrap your lips around his head and swirl your tongue. His hands go to your hair as he urges you on. You take him as deep as you can and listen to his moans as you work your tongue against him. Wrapping one hand around his base to work him and using the other to palm his balls, you continue to work him. 

“Fuck, Doll. That mouth of yours.” Bucky groans as he gently pulls you away and devours your mouth with his. His hand trails down your body and he presses against your core feeling the slickness. “So wet for me already.” he says as he presses kisses along your neck. His fingers slide across your slick folds skimming your clit before moving down to press a finger into you. Your breath hitches and you whimper at the sensation. Encouraged, Bucky adds a second finger while using his thumb to press your clit. 

“Bucky.” You moan his name as his lips wrap around your nipple. 

“Doll, want inside you so bad.” Bucky says,, “Can’t wait.”

“Yes.” You say quickly.  Bucky removes his fingers and rolls himself on top of you with a searing kiss. You feel him line up with your entrance and then agonizingly slow he pushes in. 

“I thought your mouth was going to kill me, but you're so tight. So wet.” Bucky groans.

You slide your hands to his ass and press him forward encouraging him on. “Feels so good, Bucky.” 

Once he fully buries himself he stills for a moment pressing his forehead to yours. “You okay?”

“So fucking okay.” You wrap your legs around him and encourage him to move. He begins to slowly work himself in and out. Each thrust nearly takes your breath away. You feel the pleasure coiling inside of you. “Harder.” you whisper to Bucky and it’s as if he needed the permission to let go. His hips begin to slam into you. “Yes, yes.” You can’t stop the moans escaping your lips. Bucky’s fingers dig into your sides as he continues thrusting. 

“You’re so perfect, Doll. So fucking perfect. I’m so close.” Bucky groans into your ear as he fastens his lips to the side of your neck. His words propel you over the edge. Your body clenches around his cock and you cry out his name. His hips stutter as he reaches his own release with a moan. 

Bucky rolls to his side and pulls you to him pressing a kiss to your temple. 

“Was I gentle enough?” you tease. 

“No, I think you broke me.” He laughs. “That was uh, the first time in a while for me. I didn’t mean to be in such a hurry but you got me so worked up, Doll.”

“Hey.” You kiss him. “I didn’t mind. You got me all worked up, too.”

“How long before I can get you worked up again?” He asks, nuzzling your ear. 

“You just say the word, Sergeant.”

“Now.” 

“Thank God.” You push him up against the headboard and straddle him. He seals his mouth to yours. Feeling his already growing arousal against you, you know you're in for a long, satisfying night.

Part 4

[kinokomynx]

WARNING[S] ; Talks about uncomfortable things that may trigger you, such as suicide scars and disorders. Please don't continue if you don't like being scared or upset.

Okay so, story time!

I go to therapy every 2 days a week to help with my severe anxiety and thoughts of suicide. I've been in therapy for about 9 years in total. Today, is my last day which I'm so happy cause I've found out scenarios that trigger me into an panic attack or a tendency of cutting myself and how I can stop those things from happening.

So today, me and my parents whom I haven't seen in months cause of Covid-19 and college. They decided to take me out to a cat cafe and order me whatever I want, which is really nice.

I love cat cafes as they help sooth my anxiety and thoughts I have 24/7. Especially the cafe I go to, like every other week always smells like coffee.

I've suffered with body dysmorphia for a long time, and I still am. Especially when I was going through my middle/high school time. I was diagnosed with Maniac depression and GAD [Generalized Anxiety Disorder] when I was around 9 and 11. Later on my life, I was also diagnosed with PTSD, Dyslexia and Acute Stress Disorder when I was around 15 as I'm a sexual and physical abuse survivor.

I also have my dog, named Harper which is my physical and mental service dog that helps me when I'm going through a bad episode of a panic attack.

The lay out of the area of the cafe, so here you go!

So, since were at the cafe. We all starting eating, but I noticed a sign on the door that said "All cats here are able to get adopted!" I asked my parents if I could look or even adopt and they surprisingly said yes [they helped paid for the cat] I got super happy and since, my last cat named alucard, we usually called him Al. But, ever since his death. It's been hard, because he helped me throughout my anxiety and depression episodes.

So of course, I looked and looked and finally found a cat that was really cute. But the cage that the cat was in, there was a sign that said "Please do not touch or pet, very aggressive!" I didn't believe that because the cat who was sitting in the cage was shaking like it was scared.

I found out that cat was a she, and her name was Punkin. Which I though was cute but didn't fit her. So, I decided to ask the owner to pet her, the owner was hesitant but agreed as long as someone was in the room with me.

I agreed, but they let her out and she ran into a corner in one of the rooms. One of the thing of owning a cat or wanting to it like you, is not rushing it. So I sat on the other side of the wall and just waited.

Maybe around 15 minutes go by, she finally starts to go up to me, smelling me and hissing cause she doesn't trust me. But, I'm patient so I allow her to smell me. Finally, she allows me to pet her and I could tell she's never been touched by a loving hand. She was purring and allowing me to pick her up and cuddle her.

Soo...I TOOK HER HOME AND SHE'S THE MOST ADORABLE CAT EVER.

I came across a name I liked! Her name is Jakob and she's a 5 year old cat which I recently found out. The owner of the cafe told me she was abused and was gonna be used as a breeder, but couldn't cause of all the stress she was put in.

I got all her vet checks up and next week she's gonna get her nails cut shorter and a grooming. So happy I got herrr!! She loves her new home already, but boy is she clingy.

Use the bathroom once and if I shut the door, she'll claw at it like it's her toy post. She's very talkative as well! I love her so much and I hope you do to!

Have an amazing day!!

[stephaniesramblings]

My relationship with sports/athletics has always been an interesting one. Competitiveness runs in my blood. I get it from my Dad. He had two stories he would tell about himself and sports. 1 was how angry his Dad got when he was in high school and the coach didn’t put him in as point guard in the state championship. They lost. The other was how when he was in little league his coach told him to crouch down so he would get walked every at-bat. Yes, my Dad was a short guy. In basketball they called him “Mouse”. He had a lot of spunk. He was scrappy and he could get heated when he was in the midst of battling on the basketball court, or in any other sport he played.

Well, I think I get it from him. As a kiddo, my greatest sporting accomplishments were:

1st grade field day, I earned 1st place in the sprint. I was always proud of this, but became even more proud when I was in my early 20’s. I received a message on FB from a guy I had gone to school with. He had done track in college and took it upon himself to message and tell me that I was the only girl that ever beat him in a race. I guess I should have been offended, but I wasn’t.

The other was my short-lived soccer career. I think I was about 7. I had never played soccer before. How hard could it be? During the try-out I won yet another sprint. So, I made the team. I would pick it up as I went along, right? Well, I was able to get the ball just fine and I could kick it SO far. The only issue was that everytime I kicked it with all my might, it went out of bounds. To the point where I was put in goal, or told to hang down by our net and get the ball away from the other team. Hopefully with all that field in front of me I could just kick it to the coach’s son. It went ok.

When I got to middle school, I tried again. I signed up to play basketball. The school I was at was a small private school, so the girl’s team went from 6-12 grade. I was a benchwarmer being in 6th grade and having little to no skill. It had its ups and downs. One of the first and maybe only times I was put in the game, I got so flustered, I shot on the other team’s net. The entire place was yelling “NOOOOO!”. It didn’t go in luckily, but I was on the bench for a while after that. The times that I felt like I contributed were always on the defensive side of things. I was scrappy like my Dad. I could steal the ball. I angered some of the girls on the other team. Even one time having a girl yell at the ref when I stole the ball from her. A foul was not called, and I let her know about it. It should be noted, Dad always came to watch me and to cheer me on. Even though I mostly rode the bench. He loved it, and of course thought my coach should have put me in more too.

Well, that was kind of the end of it when it came to me and sports. I played a little basketball and floor hockey with the youth group, but never really felt very good at it.

So it was kind of surprising when I was 29, I was working in a lab and two of my coworkers started talking to me about roller derby. As with a lot of derby player’s stories, I saw Whip It, and thought it looked awesome. I wondered if that sort of thing existed, but I didn’t pursue it. My coworkers “Kenya Diggit” and “HK” (I don’t remember what it stood for) would tell me how great it was and how it is quite a commitment. It was not just a sport. I am glad they warned me! I think in my head I considered a sports league like a bowling league or something. Pay your dues, show up on whatever night. Not derby. Other than feeling very down on myself and wanting to get some exercise, I had no other reason to do this. I had tried skating at a few birthday parties at Roller Kingdom growing up. I would switch between skates and blades and usually ended up on the rollerblades, but barely keeping myself up. Why would I do this? Well, I needed something. And they told me that they teach you everything. You just need to get the gear and show up. So I got myself to the skate shop, spent a LOT (to me) of money on all the gear, and figured if I do this, I won’t quit! This proved to be true. I showed up for the 1st night petrified. My friend who still skated, Kenya was a vet, and they were in a different area. I had to put myself out there. I am not a social butterfly, so this was more than just putting myself out there athletically. I had to talk to strangers! I had to try something I knew I would be terrible at, and all the while not knowing how everyone else around me would do. Well, it was a mixed bag. The overriding factor though was that we were all supporting each other at whatever level we were. We encouraged and cheered for each other when we got the thing we kept failing at over and over. I cried over this journey. I thought I would never get crossovers (still wish mine were better) and that I would never be able to transition, therefore I would never pass assessments and never make a team. I didn’t give up though. I don’t know how or why I didn’t, but I didn’t. At some point as I was progressing I watched the sport I was learning to play. Go figure. It only took me almost a year to check it out, but it changed the way I saw everything. I saw the strategy in it. I saw the reason each and every skill was important. It lit a fire in me to keep trying, and to play to my strengths. I never gave up on making my skills better, but they will never be perfect. I accepted myself though and felt pride for where I found myself. And yes, the Morrison competitiveness came out. I was and am a bully on the track. I still like to ruffle my opponent’s feathers. My brain is still geared toward defense. I found though, that I had confidence for maybe the 1st time ever in a sport. It changed me. I found myself on the travel team and going to tournaments. The bond with my teammates just got stronger. From the ones that watched my progression and trained me that were now my teammates, to the people I walked in with on that 1st night, we had a history and we celebrated each other getting it. We had highs and lows too, but we kept showing up and working to be better.

My mom told me the other day that the biggest change she has seen in me has been since roller derby. I love my mom. She always encourages me and tells me awesome I am. How I should be proud of what I've accomplished. It’s so funny to me that she said that because I’ve gone through career changes, marriage, separation, moves, family illness, divorce, you think those things must change you, and I’m sure they did. How funny though that something as silly as a sport or a league could literally give you the confidence to make decisions in your personal life that help you grow. To feel like you matter and you are strong enough to get through whatever obstacle is in front of you. There were nights I dragged myself to practice crying the entire way because of everything going on in my life. I would leave there feeling like I left the weight of the world inside Roll On America.

My Dad was so proud of me because of roller derby. He would always talk about it even in the last few months that I had with him at home. “When are you going up to Maine to play?” My big brother also came to a game the last season before the pandemic. I won MVP that game. I think he had tears in his eyes after. He was so proud of me too. I cried after he left in front of all my league mates that were there. I got all the derby hugs 💚. The beautiful thing is that you don't even need to tell your team what you're going though. They just know how to be supportive in all the little ways. I'm so thankful for these last 8 years and I'm not quitting anytime soon.

Roller derby saved my life.

“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”

[doctordaddysir]

This isn't very d/s related but hoping you have ideas for me. I'm starting to date a new man and I'm terrible about falling fast without thinking things through, do you have any insight on things for me to stop and think about before falling?

Oh that's a tough one because I have always fallen fast in the past and I've gotten burned because of it.

I always tell anyone I know getting into something new, d/s or vanilla, go slow. Don't rush. We all want to like someone and want to be liked but we have to take time to understand why we like them or why they like you.

Pay attention to his compliments and words. Is he only complimenting your looks? Is he actually complimenting other things about you instead?

Does he remember things you've told him? And if he remembers does he seem to dismiss them?

If you go I out to eat, pay attention to little details, how does he speak to employees at the restaurant? Does he treat them well or make smart comments or talk about them as if they are there to serve him only? Does he ask you questions about foods you like and seem to pay attention?

As you get to know him does he tell you that every past relationship was horrible? That every ex was crazy? Does he make it seem that he was never at fault for his past relationships? If he's been married before how does he speak about his ex wife or his kids? Watch for red flags. Watch for things that point to a lack of responsibility on his part.

I will tell anyone I'm getting involved with , past ones included, that I was married years and years ago and I failed my first wife. I wasn't ready to be a father or husband. We divorced after only a couple of years and it was honestly 80% my fault. That was many many years ago and I learned and grew and have a very amazing one now but I was never afraid to admit my faults.

In d/s I do the same. When I'm talking to a new play partner , sub, little, etc I'll admit I have messed up in the past, that ive hurt people by accident and triggered things from lack of communication. I am very confident in myself, but do not believe I am anywhere close to perfect.

Look for those types of signs. Understand how he treats others reflects on who he is and how he's gonna treat you once he feels comfortable that you're in it for the long haul. Gas lighting, manipulation , and just arrogance can be hard to spot and so can the good guys. Don't go in cynical but don't wear rose colored glasses.

You said it wasn't d/s so I won't get into vetting, safely meeting in public places, etc but you can do similar things in a vanilla dating area too. Dont drink on the first few dates, keep your wits so you can see things clearly. Don't let him try to get you drunk, etc. If he's worth anything he will not want you to feel pressured.

Don't let him talk you into sex until you are a hundred percent ready. That should be obvious but I can 100% tell you knowing men the way I do, if you make that part too easy you open yourself up to manipulation much easier. Be safe.

In summary, be patient, don't let him push, look for warning signs in the way he treats people, what does he say about his past relationships, children, etc, and do not be pressured into anything that doesn't allow you to keep your full faculties, no drinking, no drugs, etc.

Good luck and I hope these all helped a little.

[quokkalatte]

Affinity pt.2

Part 2

Category: Series

Pairing: Street Racer!Hoseok x Cat Hybrid! Reader

Warnings for this chapter: slight tiny mentions of blood and past abuse, slight language

Author's Note: Honestly this is mostly a filler chapter so it's just not that.....good? idk but I hope you enjoy ♡ as far as posting goes, it may be a bit before I get the next chapter out out I go back to school tomorrow and I'm working too so yeah XP

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× × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × ×

Hoseok waited patiently for you to finish your shower, sitting in the living room to get his heart rate down. He assessed the situation, he was now the owner of a hybrid, not only a hybrid, but one that has been through a lot and still manages to be completely innocent. He also assessed that he had absolutely no clue how to care for one. We're there regulations? Special diets? Oh no did he have to take you to get fixed? The actual thought of taking you to a vet had him experiencing waves of anxiety. He was so worked up that when you walked into the living room he didn't even notice.

"I'm finished" you say, and he jumps and looks up at you. You were clean, ears still slightly damp but had a small shine in the black and grey. Your tail, sticking through the baggy grey sweats, flickered nervously. Now that it was clean, be could see where the clumps had been pulled out. Some pink patches poked through and Hoseok's heart clenched uncomfortably at the sight, and he has reminded of your hands. He licked his lips, a nervous habit, and stood up and walked over to you. You watched him curiously,  and he hands came to your own, and you flinched slightly, but he turned them over.

The skin was a pale red color, the skin still freshly aggravated and probably caused pain. There were slight droplets of blood, but nothing to serious. "Does it hurt?" He asks gently, and you avert your eyes, staring down at your hands.

"No, it doesn't" it was a lie, that was obvious. Hoseok frowned, how many times had you had to keep your pain from Yeonsoo, afraid of being punished further.  

"It does kitten, and if you're hurt you should tell me. You won't get in trouble I promise" He says, and you nod. He let's go of your hands, and goes into the bathroom, rummaging under the sink and pulled out a med kit. When he returned to the living room, you were still standing  where he had left you. He gestured to the couch, taking a seat. You hesitantly sat next to him, your tail curling around your waist securely. He opens the med kit and sets it on the coffee table.  He takes the opened box of gauze and antibiotic cream, and a couple of alcohol patches. You frown, seeing that everything had been used before.  

"Do you get hurt too?" You ask, looking up at him. Hoseok shrugs, ripping open the paper of the patches and pulling out the potent cloth, the smell making you wrinkle your nose as it stung your nose.

"I get scratched a lot when I work with tools. I work as a mechanic and I'm bound to get cuts and bruises. This'll sting a bit, but it'll help" he says and presses the pad to your skin. You hiss, ears pressing flat against your head and tail clenching tightly. A small whimper followed as he wiped the other. Hoseok whispered out a couple of 'sorry' and 'it's okay you're doing great' and applied some antibiotic cream to them, which soothed the burn instantly. "I also used to race motorcycles, and I got road rash a couple of times" he added. You listened intently, your eyes looking up to his concentrated face. He wrapped your hands in the gauze, and when he finished, he gave you a small smile, which made you let out a small purr in thanks.

"Thank you master- I mean Hoseok" you correct yourself quickly and he laughs.

"No problem kitten. Now, there isn't much I can do for your tail, it's already healed" he says, and you glance down at your abused tail, and it flicks self-consciously. "But I'll ask Namjoon what I could put on it. His cat hybrid Jimin used to scratch his as a nervous habit before he was adopted, and Namjoon put something on it to heal the bare patches" he babbles.

"He would pull it when I wasn't paying attention" you told him, and he frowned

"Yeonsoo?"

"Yes. I would daydream, and if I wasn't listening or answer him, he'd pull it to get my attention. Or he did it if I messed up or did something wrong" your voice was quiet, and Hoseok wanted to comfort you, but he feared you'd flinch away if he tried to pet you.

"You don't have to worry about that anymore Y/n. Yeonsoo won't get his filthy hands on you ever again, not if I have anything to say about it" Hoseok says firmly, and a spark of warmth crept up his spine when you smiled radiantly at him. He returned a small one back."Let's get you to bed"

You had instantly curled up as soon as you fell on the bed, pulling the blanket over yourself and closed your eyes. Hoseok stood in the doorway for a moment. You looked so small, and the baggy clothes didn't help either. You just looked so fragile and he had the same urge to protect you like he did the first time he saw you. A lot has happened in in the past few hours. He made sure you were firmly asleep before walking down the hall and into his own bed to sleep.

There was a dilemma when he dressed for work in the morning. You'd be left alone, and he wasn't sure if he liked the thought of that. You laid out on the couch, stretching out in a cat-like way as you watched him throw on his uniform and pour coffee into a thermos as he rambled on about leaving you at home alone. He was a very interesting human, one that could keep his cool and act nonchalant one moment, and completely be flustered and inadequate the next.

"I don't mind staying at home alone Hoseok, honest" you peer at him from fallen on your face. Hoseok glanced at you, buttoning the navy shirt of his uniform and a piece of bacon dangling from his mouth. You giggled at the sight, and he quickly chewed the rest of the bacon.

"Are you sure? I feel guilty, I could take you in with me" he says, a bit to himself. You wrinkle your nose in distaste.

"No offense Hoseok, but the thought of spending the day in a shop that reeks of motor oil and sweat isn't my idea of a fun time." He laughed and you sat up, taking a piece of bacon and chewed it happily.

"Alright alright, I'm just nervous"

"Really? Couldn't tell. I'll be okay, I've been left alone plenty of times" you say, and Hoseok sighs, and nods

 "Okay kitten." He nods, and walks towards the front door, but freezes and turn back around.

"What do you eat?" He asks suddenly. You cock your head at him, confused.

"Uh, food?"

"What kind? What do you like? Is there a certain thing I should he feeding you?" He asks

"Lots of kinds. I like fish, but not crabs. I can't have regular milk, the fat content makes me break out into hives and I get a belly ache. Ma- He always complained I was expensive and cost him money to feed. I like almond milk even though it has a weird after taste." You say. "And they have supplements for hybrids, like vitamins but I don't need themas long as I get plenty of meat and liquids" you say. Hoseok repeats this under his breath, and nods.

"I don't have any almond milk, but I have fish sticks somewhere in the freezer. But help yourself to the fridge kitten what's mine is yours" he smiles at the way you grin. "I should be home around 5 okay?"

"Okay Hoseok" You yawn, already prepared to take a cat nap in the patch of sun that peeked through his blinds. Hoseok chewed his lip, still unsure of leaving you alone, but you looked content enough, so he grabbed his car keys and headed out to the garage.

 "I'm telling you Hobi, it's a piece of shit. I don't know why you continue to drive it" Kim Taehyung scrunches his nose when Hoseok pulled into the shop. "And it's hideous as well" Hoseok rolled his eyes, stepping out and running a hand through his hair.

"Tae, your specialty is muscle cars, not race cars.  So shut up about my baby she's doing fine" Hoseok pats the hood of his beloved car. No, it wasn't the one he raced with, but it was an older car, and he was attached to it, he better be he fixed it from the ground up. Sure it likes to stall when turning on and the paint needs a new coat, but it was his child. Taehyung chuckles at Hoseok's words, taking a drink of his Pepsi.

"If you call two seconds away from falling apart 'okay' then sure, it's just peachy"

"Don't you have someone's oil to change" Hoseok says hauntily, and Taehyung huffs and slinks back to the back of the garage. Hoseok pulled the buliten down from his desk, checking the recent repos and bring-ins of the week. There had been at least 20 cars repoed for missing payments, which meant 20 angry phone calls he wasn't ready to deal with.

He worked diligently, the garage kept busy with fixing cars and getting them out to their respectable owners, and Hoseok was busy trying to negotiate with angry customers about getting their cars back.

"All you need to do is go to the Repo office off of Dowchien Street and file some paperwork, and pay the fee to get your car back" Hoseok sighed as the old woman cursed him about how she was missing several doctor's appointments and having to take the bus to go to the store. "Ma'am I just take and hold the cars, you need to go to the head office to get it back" Hoseok pressed his knuckles against his skull, rubbing the area as he was cursed out more before the lady finally realized that he wasn't going to give her car back without visiting the office.

"She sounded delightful" Namjoon grinned at Hoseok in the doorway of his office. Hoseok glared up at him, standing and stretching.

"Oh yeah, if you like hearing about irritatable bowel syndrome and bunions needing to be removed" Hoseok shivered and Namjoon laughed. "Put me in a car and on a road any day this day job shit is killing me" He groans.

 "You're the one who wanted to use the shop as a cover Hobi" Namjoon so wisely pointed out. "And you don't hate it either so quit your whining"

"No but I do hate angry people yelling at me for them not making car payments" Hoseok walked past Namjoon and entered the back of the garage. Taehyung and a couple of other employees bustled around repairing different aspects of the cars.

"Hmm if only everyone could see Seoul's Drift King now" Namjoon teases and Hoseok flipped him off as he reached into the mini fridge and pulled out a water bottle, taking a long drink. "So how's your kitty doing?" Namjoon asks

"Okay, I think. She's really jumpy, but she let me dress her hands, does that mean something?"

"Means she trusts you. Took me 3 months before Jimin would be in the same room as me. "

"She still flinches when I touch her though" he frowns

"Can you blame her? I'm not sure she's had a kind touch in awhile.  Give her time Hobi"

"You're right" Hoseok sighs.  "Do you still have that stuff you used on Jimin's tail?"

"Sure, I always keep some in case his anxiety acts up again. Why?"

"Yeonsoo did a number on Y/n's poor tail, she's missing clumps of fur"

"Asshole." Namjoon mutters darkly. "You should have seen him when you left. He got out of his car and vowed to exact revenge or some site evil villains say in the movies. But I'll bring a bottle over for you"

"Thanks, and I'm not too worried about him. I can handle him" Hoseok says.

"If you say so. We've got a new, ah, 'shipment' coming in on Tuesday, are to ready?"

"Aren't I always?"

Hoseok was relieved when he went home that night. He wondered if you were okay. Sure you've been left home before but it didn't feel right just leaving you to your own devices for the whole day in a new place. He stopped by and grabbed take out, not in the mood to cook anything for dinner. He parked in the garage and grabbed the take out, unlocking the door and entering the house. When he stepped in he sensed immediately something was off. It was too quiet. He frowned, glancing around the dimly lit hallway "Y/n?" He called out, inching into the living room. A creak had him on edge and tense. He grabbed a the baseball bat that leaned against the garage door, gripping it tightly as he entered the living room.

You were standing there, wide eyed and chest heaving with breath. Your fur was fluffed out to the max, and your eyes laid on the baseball bat. You wailed, throwing yourself to the floor in front of his feet and grabbed his legs. Hoseok yelped in shock, staring down at you.

"I'm sorry master I'm so so sorry! I w-was just walking and my tail hit it and it fell over! Please forgive me I know I'm a bad cat" you cried, pawing at his shirt and burying your head into his hip.

W-What? Y/n what are you talking about" he frowned, still confused. Your body wracked with sobs, your words incomprehensible. Hoseok set the take out on the counter and dropped the bat to the floor, the crash making you jump and squeak. He pried your hands from his shirt, and knelt down so you were face to face.  

"Calm down Kitten, just tell me what happened" he says slowly, and you whimpered.

"The vase. I broke it. I'm sorry" you say, cheeks puffy and tear tracks down your face.  Hoseok looks over your head and sees the vase that had been sitting on his TV Stand was smashed on the floor in a thousand pieces.  His eyes widened and he immediately began searching your body.

"Are you hurt? You didn't cut yourself did you?" He asks. You hiccup, frowning

"W-what?"

"Did you cut yourself on the glass?" He demands,  checking for any sign of blood.

"N-no I- you aren't mad?" You sputter, frowning. You were sure you'd face punishment for breaking his possession. You hadn't even been here long and caused an accident, and you thought for sure Hoseok would be angry and throw you out.

"No I'm not mad Y/n" Hoseok sighs in relief. "I'm just happy you aren't hurt."

"But....but I broke your vase" you frown at him.

"To be honest, you saved me a terrible story to explain to my sister why I got rid of the ugly vase she'd gotten me for Christmas. Now I can say my hybrid accidentally knocked it over" he smiles and you frown

"So I'm not being punished?"

"No it was an accident Y/n" Hoseok frowns and you nod your head in understanding. "Are you hungry?'

"A bit" you admit.

"Good. I brought home take out" he says, standing up and grabbing a broom and dustpan before sweeping up the broken vase, careful not to miss any pieces that could imbed themselves into any soft fleshed feet. You watch him as he worked, still slightly expecting to get yelled at, but after a few minutes you relaxed when it appeared it wouldn't come. Hoseok pulled down two plates, piling on steamed rice and chicken and vegetables and a bunch of assorted foods he always got when he ate take out. He pushed the bigger plate towards you, and you eye it doubtfully.

"Why did you give me your plate Hoseok?" You ask, pushing it back to him. Hoseok shakes his head, pushing it back.

"I didn't. It's yours."

But there's more food on it" you frown

"Yes, I'm not too hungry tonight, and I got extra for you"

"All of it?"

"All of it" He says firmly. You nod, still unsure but when you began eating, it was difficult to stop with all the tasty things he had gotten you, but you didn't touch the gross smelling stuff on the side of the plate. Hoseok noticed this, as he ate the very thing you wouldn't. "You don't like Kim Chi?"

"No. It's gross and vile" you say firmly and Hoseok pouted.

"I'm not sure how we'll get along from now on, I love Kim Chi" he says, and affronted look on his face, but a glimmer in his eye showed that he was kidding,  and you giggled.

"I don't know, guess you'll just have to stop then" you smile mischievously at him and he laugh

"I don't think so kitten" he snorts and continues to eat. Oh god, he thinks, I think I can probably handle her.

[aimee-does-things]

The Big Easy Decision

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." - Ferris Bueller

The whole world can change in a week. We've seen it happen over and over again in 2020. We started the year with the devastating loss of our cat Soggy. He was a stray who showed up at my doorstep when I moved into my last apartment in mid-2019. He would greet me whenever I got home, rolling over to show his belly. He was always happy, and because of the constant rain in Florida, always wet, thus the name, Soggy. When Hurricane Dorian was on the way, I got worried about the little cat that seemed to live on my front porch. I took him in, bathed him, treated him for fleas, and let him ride out the storm in my apartment. Once the storm had passed, my boyfriend George and I took him to the vet to get his shots. He stayed with us for three months. One fateful day in January of this year, I walked into the hallway and noticed a trail of feces. "These damn cats!" My first thought was to grab the paper towels and bleach. But why would they have pooped all over the floor? 

I looked toward the bedroom and saw Soggy's tail twitching. "Soggy?" I said nervously as I peeked behind the door. There, curled on the floor, was Soggy. Mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes fogged over, twitching. We were immediately in the car driving down the street to the vet. We were too late. The vet said she thought it was a stroke. We buried him in the back yard and spent the next week in tears. We had lost our baby, and the year had just started. It was devastating, but we were optimistic; it was January, and we had plenty of time to make happy memories for 2020. February and early March were sprinkled with good and bad. George lost an old friend to depression, but we got to see one of his best friends get married, and we took a trip with his Nephews and my son to the NBA Experience in Orlando, Florida, and had a fantastic time.  

In mid-march, COVID-19 had become a worldwide pandemic, and we were in lockdown. George is an actor, so he was entirely out of work, and I was worried that I'd soon lose my job. The bad of 2020 certainly seemed to be taking over. In June, I tested positive for COVID-19; even though I hadn't gone out (I had even been having my groceries delivered), I was supposed to paint a sign for The Riverside Children's Arts Center, where I work. I had been delaying it because I didn't want to go to the hardware store to buy the supplies I needed. On June 24th, I decided to wear a mask and get the stuff. I walked in, stealthily dodging people, staying ten feet away from everyone I saw, went straight to the lumber section, grabbed my piece of wood, and did self-check-out. I got back to my car, doused myself in hand sanitizer, and went straight home. Later that day, I realized that I couldn't smell anything. I was hesitant to tell George because I didn't want to be locked up in a room by myself for 14 days. But I did the right thing. I quarantined myself and got tested. It took ten days for my results to get back to me, but I was sure I had it. I was coughing, had shortness of breath, going to the bathroom made me feel like I had run a marathon. I had so much resentment for that stupid sign. 2020 was totally sucking, but I am happy to say I have made a full recovery, including regaining my sense of smell.

It's been a prolonged year. It's August, and losing Soggy seems like something that happened ten years ago. Since March, George and I have started a nightly routine of drinking hot tea on the front porch in the evenings before bed. This past Friday, during our porch time, we came up with a crazy idea. What if we went on a road trip out to California and back? We talked for over an hour; I gushed about my love for California; it's my home. The next morning when I opened my eyes, George was already awake, he greeted me with his bright blue eyes and sparkling smile, "So, are we doing this?" I knew exactly what he was talking about, "Yes!"

At breakfast, we had a more serious discussion about it. Could we actually travel across the country with only a few day's notice? More importantly, could we travel across the country during a pandemic? I guess the even more important question was actually, should we travel across the country during a pandemic? I know that the most obvious answer is no, we shouldn't. But I had spent most of 2020 indoors, and our recent venture out to Americus, Georgia, had me aching to travel again. So I justified it like this: we want to go. That's it. Now, I'm not thinking that I'm immune to COVID just because I already had it, and I don't believe that a mask is going to protect me from everything, and I'm not one of those people that's like, "Fuck the coronavirus, I do what I want." But I am someone who wants to enjoy life, and see the world. So we decided that we would go, and we would be as careful as possible. As someone that's done a decent amount of traveling, I was very uncertain about how exactly we'd have a fulfilling vacation with so many things being different. So we packed our things, and plenty of hand sanitizer and face masks, and we headed out on the road.  

Our first stop was New Orleans, Louisiana. While I had been to Louisiana many times, I had never been to New Orleans, and George visited last when he was eight years old. So it would be a new experience for both of us. The first day of the trip included driving through Alabama and Mississippi. When I was younger, I looked really young. I mean, when I was in 7th grade, I could have passed for seven years old. I spent nearly all junior high feeling insecure, and like I was being judged for what I was wearing because my mom would dress me in matching short sets meant for 7-year-olds. I thought those feelings had long been forgotten until I wore a face mask in Alabama. At one of our restroom stops, there was even a man that looked at me, smirked, and stood so close he was touching my shoulder as he browsed the donut case. He let out a light chuckle as I immediately stepped away, not just because of COVID, but because, ew!

We arrived in New Orleans around 3 pm, and checked into our Hotel. We had a goal to try to spend no more than $50 per night on hotels and had managed to find a Motel 6 for $47 per night taxes included. I love staying at fancy 4-star hotels, which probably goes without saying, because who really is against luxury? That said, I'm not above staying somewhere cheap, especially if it means more money for my favorite part of travel; the food. It was everything you'd expect a $47 per night motel to be, no-frills, and pretty shabby. The room itself was okay; they provided us with two towels, a tiny soap, and sheets that looked clean, minus the cigarette burns. We wiped everything in the room down with disinfectant wipes (just to make sure.) After resting awhile and getting cleaned up, we headed out to check out the French Quarter about which we'd heard so much. I was delighted with the Creole townhouses and cottages that lined the streets, New Orleans Square was always my favorite area of Disneyland as a kid, and seeing the real-life version was very exciting. We decided to go for a walk down Canal Street and Bourbon street because as tourists, that was our job. It wasn't terribly crowded, but there were still plenty of street performers out filling the air with music and a sense that everything was fine, and life is entirely normal, which is everything I would expect from Louisiana in general. The city's downside was a massive homeless population and panhandlers that ask for money seemingly every few feet. We decided to risk going inside a restaurant for dinner; we ate at Olde Nola Cookery, which we found based on online reviews. We both had catfish, which was terrific, and the restaurant staff took extra care to keep germ free. They wore masks properly, gloves when serving food, and even had digital menus so that we didn't have to touch a menu used by anyone else. After dinner, we were exhausted from our trip and returned to our rented rat's nest to sleep.

We awoke the next morning at 7 am, and by eight we were out at breakfast. We chose Two Chicks Cafe because it was highly rated for breakfast, and it didn't disappoint. We had their special eggs Benedict, with a cajun hollandaise sauce, and a croissant instead of an English muffin. The croissant was decent, not the delicate thousand-layer dream you'd get from an authentic French Bakery, but far from a Pillsbury recent roll. It was a respectable croissant. The poached eggs were really poached eggs; they didn't use any kind of egg-poaching device, someone actually poached this egg with expert skill.

After breakfast we stopped by the Metairie Cemetery, these beautiful old cemeteries are something I've always wanted to see, and I was so happy that we got to stop. We're now on our way to Dallas Texas!

[topicprinter]

Hi all, long post incoming!After 9 months of hustling away and looking back to see that I haven't even made a single penny from my business, I'm starting to wonder if it's worth continuing to pursue at this point.Im 20F, based in London. The core function of my business is to source development land for property developers and home builders. There are loads of them in the UK, of all sizes, from large national companies to small, local independent developers. I know that there is definitely a demand for my service, because I've straight up had developers contact me with their criteria so I can bring them opportunities.Here's how I operate. I contact developers and ask them if they are looking for development opportunities. An overwhelming majority of the time, they say yes. I extract their criteria so I can know what exactly they are looking for. This is crucial. If I bring them a development opportunity that they're not looking for, they will straight up refuse to look further into it, so it's important I bring them exactly what they seek.Then, I go out and contact landowners. I introduce myself, tell them that I represent developers who are looking to acquire land to build on, and ask them if they would be interested in having their land looked at by my developers. If they say yes, I do some market research and perform a crude, basic appraisal to see if the land would make a desirable development opportunity on paper. This means that if a developer were to buy the land, build homes on it and sold the homes, would they still make a minimum 20% net profit after build costs and all other associated costs? (stamp duty, professional fees, finance, marketing, etc)If the answer is yes, I will then "package" up the deal by writing a small report about the development opportunity. This report gives important information about the development land, the circumstances of the seller, estimations of the post development value and proof to justify how I arrived at that amount, estimations of the development costs and estimations of the potential profit the developer could make. Obviously they would have to do their own due diligence, but its just to give them a general idea of what they could potentially be looking at.Then, I send the report to my developers, and at that point the ball is in their court. I wait for them to tell me whether they're interested or not. If they like the deal and they feel it's a good opportunity, I will connect them to the vendor, they will purchase the land and I will get 2% of whatever the purchase price is.Herein lies the problem. Again and again I've only gotten up to that very last part. I've found the landowner, got them on board, researched their land, analysed it to see if it would stack up as a development opportunity, "packaged" up the deal, presented it to developers. And then it all grinds to a halt. That's where the problems start. I've come very very very close to having a deal close, I've had developers express interest, only to have one thing go wrong and they decide to call it off. It's incredibly frustrating. And the thing is, I only get paid when the sale goes through. So often times I'll put in hours of work finding and vetting an opportunity, I'd get the vendor's hopes up, I'd do all the research to see if the deal stacks, and at the crucial stage things will fall apart. All the build up and all the work will just go to waste. I must have done this hundreds of times.Now, to be fair, I've learned a lot as a result of this process. I've learned more about property development than I ever thought I would. I've learned how to perform market research and come up with a post development value based on what nearby properties have sold for. I've learned how to find out the rough value of a plot of land (often times vendors are asking for waaaaay too much). I've learned how to estimate the build cost for a development. I've learned how to read planning permissions. I've learned what sort of profit margins developers are looking for (20% net minimum). I've learned the jargon; when I speak to developers I can speak their language fluently and they have some confidence that I know what I'm doing. I've had a developer tell me I come across as professional and put together. I've had a vendor told me she'd rather work with me than an estate agent.I've had all these tiny wins, built all these great skills, gained and all this knowledge. I've come so, so bloody close. In some ways, this experience has not been a total waste due to the sheer amount I've learned. But at the end of the day, I got into business to earn money. And so far I've made a grand total of £0. I'm facing pressure from my parents, who were never really confident about the idea of entrepreneurship anyway, to go back to school or get a full time job because what I'm doing now is bringing in no income. Its starting to chip at me. Especially on days like today where I reach out to dozens of vendors and developers and not hear back from a single one.What if I actually am wasting my time?I can't help but think that if I'm having such a hard time getting just one deal done now, how will I be able to turn this business into a recurring source of income?I've had ideas of how I could automate things, and I've seen some success so far. Previously I'd get developers on board by scheduling a call with them and asking them questions about their criteria. It was extremely time intensive as each call would take about 5-20 minutes. I'd do these calls everyday and would have to fit 6/7 in. It left me exhausted. Now I have a form of qualifying questions that I promote on LinkedIn via cold messaging or just by uploading a post to my 2k connections, and I've been able to get 50 new developers on board in 4 days just by automating that process. It was my first big win as more developers mean more liklihood of getting a deal go through.Victories like that give me reason to believe my business is viable. There's a healthy demand. I now have 60 developers who have given me their requirements and contact details so I can send them deals. This is a seemingly unexplored niche too, as I've noticed that not many people in my industry are really catering towards sourcing land for developers.I'm starting to understand that it's a number's game. I have one half of the equation with my increased client base of developers, now I just need a steady pipeline of deals, which I seem to be struggling with. I've had ideas to automate the vendor side of things by creating a website, promoting it through SEO and PPC, and then including a similar form where landowners looking to sell their land can input their details. If I can have both sides automated, with regular deals flowing in and a decent base of developers to send them to, all I'd have to do is focus on vetting and packaging deals and sending them to my developers. And with more deals out to developers, there's a higher chance that one might just say "yes".So that's my plan. If I can get to that stage that'd be a dream. It'd mean I'd have significantly more time available to me. Right now the large portion of my time goes towards manually looking for land, finding the landowners, contacting them via cold call, email or direct mail, and crossing my fingers for a response. Its slow and ineffective. Its frustrating when I don't get a response.I suppose the main takeaway from this long ass post is: I've been working on my business for 9 months. There is a real demand for my service. I'm making loads of mistakes but each mistake has taught me how I can be better. I do feel like I'm "failing towards my goal" by refining myself with each failure. But I've not made any money so far. And with how long it's taking to get one deal, I'm wondering how the hell I will be able to make a stable living on this business, let alone achieve the lifestyle I've always dreamed of. My goal is to be able to automate my business to the point where I automatically have deals coming in, and a decent client base to send them to, and the only duty I have being to package the good ones up and send them out to my developers on a regular enough basis where I have them closing consistently. I already have the developer side somewhat locked down, now I need to create the pipeline of deals.The thing I want to know is, how can I do this? I've been playing with the idea of creating a website and using SEO to capture leads from landowners looking to sell. I've also considered reaching out to local estate agents and asking them to send me deals before they hit the market. Right now I'm focusing on "push" marketing when my aim should be to "pull" in my deals. Any ideas I could implement to make this successful?And more importantly, can you see the viability in this business? I'm happy to keep on grinding and putting in the time and effort. I'd happy ring up every estate agent in the area if I have to. I'll learn SEO all from scratch if necessary. But only if there's a real chance that this will work. So should I keep on trucking? Or am I wasting my time?Thanks for reading if you made it this far. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts