#I've been struggling with digital art recently

[hezraela]

I haven't seen this combo so you get it here

[thats-a-lot-of-cortisol]

I know a lot of people have drawn Astarion in the Fallen Angel pose but I think it suits Wyll just as nicely, especially considering his story arc & relationship with his father

[boxfullaturtles]

And Donnie didn’t let him go. He kept holding Mikey. He hissed at the rest of the family to go away when they came running at the sound of Mikey’s loud crying. He rubbed Mikey’s shell and leaned his cheek against the top of Mikey’s head. He held Mikey until Mikey had exhausted all his tears and was gasping and hiccuping and taking shuddering little breaths.

Little scene from the end of Another Man's Poison.

I've been struggling with digital art recently; just haven't been able to finish anything I start and I'm not happy with anything I work on. It's been kind of frustrating... But the traditional art's been fine. Scratches the itch. So I've been making do.

[kozachenko]

Here's a digital sketch dump of some pose/anatomy practices and some 2hu doodles, I think from now on if I don't have any big final piece to post, I'll just post sketches I liked that I did digitally (might also reblog some drawings of mine that I want more people to see, maybe idk).

Artist's Notes:

Ok so after the recent Hifuu fanart I did, I've been hoping to experiment more with how I draw faces, how I render, as well as how I stylize things. In some of the earlier sketches I did, I had an idea for a pose that I wanted to try drawing, so I took a ref pic of myself doing said pose (the leaning one btw) and then did a sketch over top of it just to get an idea for the shapes, negative space, and silhouette. After that, I wanted to do some simpler breakdowns of the shapes so I can get better at simplifying the body (these ended up being the bottom right sketches in the post). I also did some experimenting with how to push certain parts of said sketches to create a different body type (via liquify and then a more refined version based on that sketch), as well as figuring out what makes a pose feel natural and not stiff. This was also a bit of a foreshortening practice just so I can get more confident with it, and I ended up using the arms from the liquified version for the coloured Zanmu sketch I did since I liked them so much (dw I'll get to that).

The next thing I wanted to try and draw was Hisami, mainly because.... I am very bad at drawing her in my style. Last time I drew her I made her look really creepy and spindly, and it is my headcanon now that she can switch between a more human, and more creepy look whenever she wants. I'm liking where the face is going a lot, might have to refine a few things about it in the future, but it's cute (I also made the blush purple which I think is what I'm gonna do with her face from now on). I also like how her hair in the sketch turned out a lot, but the outfit..... not as much... Ever since I started changing my style to something less cartoony, I've had a hard time drawing her outfit in my style. Especially the flower veil thing she has on, which, I did try to find a way to draw, but I ended up deleting that sketch because I didn't like it. I'm also not a fan of using the colour purple, like, pure purple, magentas are fine, indigos are fine, but not strict purple. I also have a hard time with drawing all the little pattern details on her dress. I also need to find a way to draw the flower veil in a way that looks good because everytime I try it ends up just looking off (very similar to whenever I try to draw Zanmu's blue spears). I think the only solution to this problem is to do what I normally do and make my own version of the outfit, but with adjustments to suit my style while still trying to keep core elements from the original design intact (like I do with Zanmu and Keiki, and yes I am going to get to that Zanmu drawing just gimme a minute).

Ok next up is Keiki, my favourite Touhou character who I haven't drawn since the beginning of the year. Since my style has changed a lot, I wanted to just do a face sketch of her to get a hang of drawing her again, and I..... really really like how it turned out! When I drew her eyes, I realized that a good way of keeping faces too same facey can be via varying the sizes of their pupils, so that's an idea I'm gonna keep in mind from now on. I had a lot of fun with her hair, I initially was gonna do it like how it is in the official art, but I ended up not liking it, so now I'm gonna draw Keiki with wavy heir like this because it's fun and it looks nice. I also included my base sketch for Keiki's face since I was initially struggling with drawing her bandanna, and in the coloured sketch I added some more detail into her hair.

Now to finally talk about the sketches for Zanmu. Good lord was I having a tough time with her face. I also did this sketch before I figured out how I wanted to draw hair, so that's why the rendering on her hair is different (I did this soon after the Hisami sketch actually). Since I changed my art style a lot, I had to find a way to translate her face from my more cartoony style to my more detailed style, so while the face shape, nose shape and mouth was fine, I was really struggling with the eyes. I did get somewhere eventually though, and I am super happy with how it turned out. I wanted to lean more towards the androgynous side of the gender presentation spectrum, mainly because I think that makes sense for her character. Also made sure to include the silver hairs and some wrinkles just to bring some signs of her aging into her face because those are just staple features of how I draw Zanmu at this point lol. You will also notice that I gave her some scars on the right side of her face, and that's because I am a Zanmu-with-scars truther, I fucking love it whenever I see someone give Zanmu visible scars like that it just adds so much omg (I also tried to put a wolf bite mark on her arm in the full body drawing but idk if it reads well). While you can argue that her not having scars sells the idea of her being this "powerful, untouchable mastermind who is impossible to defeat," I'd say that instead of those scars representing times she got injured, they represent everyone who has failed to defeat her.

As I was drawing Zanmu's face, I referenced my sketch of to help with contrasting their features since I made Keiki's face more traditionally feminine. I also didn't mention this in my commentary on Keiki's face because I wanted to save it for here, but giving Zanmu scars also plays into the fact that she used to be human, wheras Keiki doesn't have any scars because she's a god who doesn't follow the rules of normal human biology. Plus I'm thinking about the two of them interacting again (return of Zan/Keik??? (I'm a multishipper btw) maybe???) so drawing their faces together will definitely help me in the future if I wanna draw them together (again, maybe as a ship? I've kinda been ironing out the kinks in their potential interactions (romantic and non-romantic) for a while now so idk maybe expect that in the future lol).

And now for the full body drawing, when I was doing the face sketch I did this little snippet of an outfit, had a vision, and the made it into a reality. I'll admit, part of me was worried that it would end up looking too much like Yuugi's outfits in the spinoffs and mangas, but I feel like I made enough changes to differentiate them. I tried to keep a few of the major details in Zanmu's design (i.e. the red tassles and yellow lining on her shirt) while putting a new spin on it. I also dialed up the scars to 11 since without them the whole thing kinda looked incomplete. Also, while I could say that the leaves on her kimono are "a nod to the fact that technically she should be a tengu because back then people belived that corrupt monks would turn into tengu but no Zanmu is an oni and they're maple leaves because...tengu...ahahahaha" what really ended up happening was that I looked up clothing patterns from Sengoku era Japan, liked the leaves the most because the red picked up on the red from the rest of her design and just ran with it. I also always had the idea to put Zanmu in men's clothing from Sengoku era Japan and while the accurate thing to do would be to put her in a Buddhist's clothes from that era.... from a character standpoint, I don't think Zanmu is pious enough to strictly wear the proper monk uniform, and also since she's basically the king of Hell, she would probably dress herself like royalty from that era. TBH, I probably could've been a bit more historically accurate, but again, this was mainly for conceptual purposes because I had a vision and I needed to see it through.

If I were to draw her in this sort of outfit again, I should probably try and use more references, although now that I look at it, if she were to wear it properly this would maybe, probably look a bit closer to a Kyūtai sugata (a very huge stretch, but it just kinda reminds me of that) just without the layers under and over the main piece of clothing (In the website that I searched up to try and compare the outfit in my sketch to, they name the outfit pieces but don't label them on the image, so I don't know 100% what everything is called) so I will definitely have to use that style of clothing as a reference going forward.

Also, I was kind of inspired by the ToTK design for Ganondorf since I have finished the game a while ago and I absolutely love what they did with his design (it's just so fucking cool omg) and I thought that sort of look would look good on Zanmu, so yeah got some inspo from that.

And those were all the notes for each of the sketches, I'm motivated to draw rn but kinda art blocked, so doing these little coloured sketches helps a lot.

[the-blue-tempest]

Thanks for your support!! Here's a special autograph for my greatest fans~ <3

I recently hit 3000 followers on the Cursed App and wanted to celebrate with something special. And it's been almost 3 years since I started doing digital art. It's incredible how far I've gotten and... how much improvement there's been. Seriously those first drawings are the ugliest things on this planet but I'm so glad I never stopped.

Also the support here has been amazing!! Sorry for the silence as I struggle with uni assignments and my mental health. I'm still here and I still love what I do.

Anyways I'm terrible with words so... thank you for everything. Let's conjure up the next storm~!

[pyrajanison]

����💜PLEASE BUY ME A KO-FI💜💙

Edit 10/26/24 - Hey all, stuff is hectic again. Currently struggling to get enough to support myself. Calling upon goodwill and art commissions to get me through the next few days before the first of November. Currently trying to get up to $750 for rent, though more would be welcome. My Commissions are open, here is some examples of my digital Psychonauts themed work featuring my OC and other characters.

If you would like something like this, please commission me on my Ko-Fi via the link below. I'm doing a two for one, commission one piece, request one of equal or lesser value for free. You can also donate to get a sketch request that I'll draw at a dollar a minute ($3=3 minute drawing, $10= 10 minute drawing, etc)

I also just got a new commission type for short fics that are pay what you want starting at $10. I've been getting back into writing recently, and if you want to read some of my stuff you can check out my AO3 here.

So, if you can, would you kindly buy me a ko-fi or make a commission? Every little bit helps. I'll also be opening animated commissions in a bit.

💜💙COMMISSION ME ON KO-FI HERE💙💜

💙💜VIEW MY KO-FI GALLERY HERE💜💙

(probably will repost this so it gets more traction)

[galaxycurious]

Whoa... posting on tumblr for the first time. Was too scared of IA scrapping net for art to actualy post anything (here or on Instagram, anywhere really to be honest). I've been browsing the site for a long time. All right, first - fanart of Summer from Spiritfarer. That game really broke my little heart. I've done ilustration of some charcters traditionaly last year. Recently I am trying to get better at drawing digitaly and decided to redo this drawing to test new inking brushes and play around with layer settings. I wanted to give her more cell-shaded look. Been struggling with this style of shading a lot in digital, so it could be a good exercise.

[fobnsfwdoodlesbackup]

Hi y'all, I just wanted to talk a little about the behind the scenes of what I've been up to, to give y'all a little transparency and to open myself up for any tips or input! 🙏 Thank you for your continued support and for taking the time to look at my art 🫶

First and foremost I wanted to give some transparency about my art capacity.

As og followers may remember, I started this blog when I was doing art full time. Eventually my living expenses grew and I had to go back to work. I find myself in a cycle of "I'll make more art soon, once I get a job!" And "I'll make more art soon, once I am done with this job!" I lost my most recent job suddenly, having had an extension waved over my head until the last day(October 7th). Now I'm excited to have more time for art, but I am also feeling a rush to get a new job ASAP as I've been living paycheck to paycheck. I dream of doing this work full time, I'm just scared it's not quite there yet and I worry that I come off as scammy or dishonest when I anticipate more stability around the corner.

Second, I've been struggling with the Patreon. It's taken me a while to come to terms with this, but from what I've seen Patreon is not intuitive at all from the creator end. It doesn't do a good job of organizing addresses, emails, showing who or who isn't subscribed to me, or organizing and displaying the work I put on there. I've been really shocked by this experience, since lots of big names use Patreon. It's been a great way to streamline support, but it's been unhelpful in every other regard. I would like to continue using it, but I will most likely post more wips or process videos there in the future.

Which brings me to my third point, zines. I love making zines so much, it feels personal and fulfilling and fun! However the Patreon issues make it harder to keep information in order about where to send zines, or even where to message folks about them. In addition to this, the post office has been a big barrier to me, oftentimes only being open at the same time as my dayjob. Making zines can take days, then sending them out is a whole other monster.

This work is so important to me. Drawing peoples fantasies, representing body types, creating work around sexuality and the human experience feels like what I'm meant to do. I've made comics since I was a kid. This is the dream to me. The friends I've been able to make through this work are so important to me, and the conversations have been invaluable. Not to mention fun! I wanna doodle, I wanna draw hot stuff, I wanna thirst over these dudes! I want to play!

But I also just want to be transparent about the barriers I'm working around to share that experience. I'm completely self taught, both in art AND in running shops, building websites, running 8 accounts, etc. I take a lot of time to learn the logistics of these things, and try to make them make sense for my relationship with y'all (I do not want to paywall my art!! I don't want to!!!). This year my desktop broke down (the main one I use for all paintings and digital art). I've paused my Etsy shops and my Patreon to try to catch up with things. Trying to learn to paint in a completely different program. Then lost my job with no savings.

At the end of the day I don't want anything to come between me sharing my art with you. I wish I could doodle a thing, take a picture, and post it here. No third party site, no shop, no subscription. Just sharing my art with you. I promise I'm trying to figure out how to stay as close to that as possible, and I want to thank y'all for sticking with me as I untangle all of that.

So, what can you expect in the near future?

I'm working on a couple of painting commissions right now, which you should be able to see in the next couple of days! I want to catch up on kinktober and get those posted as well. There's a comic commission in progress which I'm very eager to work on, and which I think y'all will be excited for! To ease the weight of the Patreon I think I may do less zines/polls there and more wips and process videos! If possible, I want to do more full colored work too.

Thank you again for enjoying my work, and if you have any input or tips my inbox is always open 🙏🫶💕

[magicalblerdpenn]

So this year, I'd been struggling to embrace being alloplatonic. I'm already genderqueer, bi, and grey aro-ace so you'd think it'd be easy.

Except that I didn't know alloplatonic was an identity until I learned about aplatonic people on Valentine's Day this year.

Ironically, it was several years back on Valentine's Day that I realized that I rarely experience romantic or sexual attraction, and experience aesthetic attraction more.

Yet I struggled to embrace being alloplatonic for several reasons:

Being raised by a Dad who made me feel like I couldn't be "just friends" with someone of a different gender than me. Since I was AFAB, any friendships I had with boys were assumed to be related to romance or sex.

Struggling to make friends, even though I wanted them. In high school, almost every potential new friend I made ended up changing schools or schedules.

Being bullied made me scared to make friends b/c what if I try to make friends, but end up bullied again? I also felt like I wasn't good enough for friends b/c of this trauma.

The unexpected death of my Dad made me scared to get close to anyone. I considered my Dad a friend as well as my parent and losing him hurt me deeply.

People being dismissive of internet friendships

This past Sunday, my closest internet friend Jaz, gave me a shout out in their upcoming book. It touched me deeply; I cried for ten minutes. They are a Black trans friend & we've been internet friends for six years, bonding over our identities, our writing dreams, music, and more. We've kept in touch through social media, email, and chat apps and become each other's source of peer support.

Over the years, our friendship grew stronger little by little and I felt a strong platonic love for them. I loved reading their newsletter, chatting with them, seeing updates about their life and career that they were willing to share. I loved having them encourage and reassure me, and doing the same for them. I loved their empathy, when I told them about my trauma or troubles. I loved how their writing helped me learn something new about myself & the world around me. I've shown my appreciation for our friendship through poetry & digital art and they love it.

Yet, I struggled to fully bask in our friendship until very recently b/c the trauma I'd experienced and the heteronormatvity and allonormativity I'd been taught. I didn't think my strong platonic attraction was normal b/c people dismiss platonic love in favor of romantic love. I've seen this on tv, movies, and online fandoms. I also thought I wasn't worthy of friendship b/c I felt I had to be a certain way & be flawless to have friends.

My friend Jaz, repeatedly proved me wrong, but it didn't sink in until I saw these words in the Acknowledgement section of their upcoming book: "To my internet friends, whose bonds are as deep as any other. To Penn; love you!"

With this, all my fears and doubt washed away with my tears of joy.

And now, I can finally say that I love my friend Jaz. I even wrote them a poem to do so and they enjoyed it very much.

TL;DR I am alloplatonic & proud and no one will take that away from me. I love my friend Jaz and they love me platonicallly too.

[doshiart]

ART TAG

thank you @deathclassic @suzy-queued @kiennilove for tagging me!! <33 it's hard to be social, but it sounds so cool and interesting, so here i am!

Have you always been interested in creating art?

i guess so, but sometimes it's really a struggle thing. i've always liked it, i've always tried to draw, but after any failure i dropped it. i started drawing more consciously in 2020 and i got a tablet. now i'm proud of my skill development, even though i'm not good enough and i know nothing, but i think that's everyone's trouble

What's your favorite medium to use? If digital, what programs do you like?

digital, clip studio paint, i love textured brushes

Do you create outside of fandom?

yes, i draw for myself. i have oc's in two different universes, somethimes i draw YCH's and adopts for sale

Share something you haven't finished and/or never got around to posting.

1 - it was jan 24. i wanted to draw gallavich on a bike, but it didn't work, so i just dropped it

2 - recent practice sketches

3 - feb 2. it was a masquerade of gallavich fic, and i volunteered for prizes, so i had a sketch for snowballs and sneaking out by @gallawitchxx 🖤 i thought it was very raw, so i never showed it,,,

Favorite piece you've made?

1 - my oc's from the fantasy universe // june 3, 2024

2 - hitoshi shinso from bnha // feb 25, 2023

and i have a new fav drawing with my oc's that i drew recently and i'll show it bellow

Draw your icon in a minute or less

An underrated piece you've made in your opinion

i don't know, maybe this. i like the lighting here and this scene. illustration for camp bullfrog by @sickness-health-all-that-shit and @heymacy

Do you do art in a professional setting?

no and i don't think i'm capable of being in professional settings. i've only worked on personal commission with other people's oc's

A piece you don't like but did really well on social media.

i wasn't really happy about it, but when i read 7 minutes in heaven by @crossmydna based on this art, i was very happy

Post an old piece and compare it to your most recent, what are the similarities?

omg exactly three years ago. what are the similarities? pretty guys with cigarettes. i guess eyes and noses, but better now, love for backgrounds

oct 4, 2021 // neil josten from aftg

oct 4, 2024 // my oc's dave and cas

Have you ever collaborated with another artist/s?

yes! one and other one

What piece has the most notes? Are you surprised?

this art got the most reach and i don't know what i feel about this, not that i really don't like it, but i don't know… there's something wrong

Who/What is your favorite subject matter?

i love to draw characters and showing their existence

Show us something not from fandom you've made

commission for mental health supporter Rho on twi

Where do you like to create?

sitting at my computer desk, and preferably with the door closed because it helps me focus

Do you have a tag that you use to group your creations? Tell us so people can follow it.

all my art // gallavich fanart

Give yourself a shoutout, where can we commission/buy/follow you for more pieces?

commission info // bsky // twi // inst (don't like this app)

for commission me you can just use dm here or discord (doshiart)

tagging @konaiiro @heymrspatel @spookygingerr @lingy910y @michellemisfit 🖤

[gatorpond]

i hate to keep asking for help but i don't have other options. anything helps. please please please share this.

ko-fi link (for art sales + donations)

long story cut extremely short: i've had the worst yr of my life & was unable to work for months. i am a disabled trans person in arkansas. things were already hard. my youngest brother died unexpectedly & traumatically in may. my grandfather died soon after. my aunt is dying, likely within a month. the only family members that speak to me are also struggling & cannot afford to help me. my father, who is affluent, disowned me for being trans yrs ago & hasn't spoken to me since the funeral.

i am the only person in my household making any money. my partner - also disabled to the point it makes working from home necessary - is applying for jobs. she was hired as a contract editor recently, but they haven't sent her any actual work. having hope, then having that just snatched back destroyed me all over again. i have applied for ebt. i have applied for rent assistance. i have been denied for both twice. i say this just to emphasize i'm exhausting avenues for help.

in addition, my car broke down twice so i had to ask for help with that. i've been doing some delivery driving... but it's not enough at all. esp since my car's mileage is suffering bc of old spark plugs. i'm trying to replace those asap.

i have woodburnings, stickers, adoptables, & p2u lineart up for sale in my ko-fi shop at the link above. i have a premade fursuit up for sale on thedealersden for a massively discounted price. i spend every minute i can function working. my tablet died, but a new one should be here soon, & i will be taking digital art comms as soon as possible. i'm trying my hardest. i swear i am.

thank y'all for any and all help, sharing, etc. i appreciate y'all more than i even know how to say. you've kept me alive during this time, & i'm not exaggerating at all. i'm sorry to keep needing so much help. i'm trying to get back on my feet. this yr has just been hell. thank you.

[northwindow]

love your blog so much! and im wondering how you archive/document your day-to-day life and the information that you take in — whatever form: books, lyrics, trees, etc etc — ? im struggling so much w forgettttttting

i love this question! i’ve always longed to have a beautiful and consistent journal, but it’s something i struggle with maintaining organically so i’ve tried some different structures over the past few years. long-winded answer under the cut 💗

back in 2021, i was making a monthly journal on google slides which i really liked because it's so natural to integrate images. i just made a month of it public here as an example of what it was like.

from 2022 - now, i've been doing a new concept where on the last day of every season i write long, list-y answers to these prompts:

art that has been resonating with me (includes music, books, movies, visual art, anything really). i'll usually write a few words about it... "Decision to Leave dir. Park Chan-Wook—the eye shot! the eye shot with the ants crawling on it" or "'Train Ride' by Ruth Stone: 'Release, release; / between cold death and a fever, / send what you will, I will listen. / All things come to an end. / No, they go on forever.'" or "Chunky misshapen pearls and other organic, shiny shapes"

my favorite memories from the season... examples from past lists include "Swimming hole with Zoë where I stuck a twig in my hair and we waded around on our hands like crocodiles" and "Walks in my snowsuit at night, one in particular where the Gemenids meteor shower was just starting"

a checkup on 5 of my current projects/goals. currently these are 1. learn to lift weights, 2. write 50 "identical" poems, 3. write a new syllabus, 4. practice mindful spending, 5. improve at woodworking.

a checkup on 5 of my core values. currently these are 1. adventure, 2. connection, 3. play, 4. sensuality, 5. sustainability.

reevaluating projects and values to focus on next

since you mentioned wanting to remember things-- when i'm putting this together i draw extensively from my tumblr archive/likes, calendar, photos app, recent playlists, and letterboxd and storygraph accounts. curating this kind of ephemeral data into a more permanent and thoughtful record is really satisfying to me. i privately call this method "wrapped" a la spotify... like i'll have a big entry for "fall 2022 wrapped" and then "winter 2023 wrapped" and so on. i do all this on the app notion and file the seasons on one big page so it's easy to click into one and remember what i was doing and thinking about. (i also converted my dream journal to a notion database. i've logged about 300 dreams in here and love that i can tag by character/feature.)

over the years i've also kept a more classic diary via text documents that's less structured, just spitting out whatever's on my mind with the date at the top. i tend to do this frequently for a while, then ebb off, then restart another doc, rinse and repeat. i also have a few physical notebooks (including these two) but the digital stuff is way more extensive as i prefer to write on the computer.

if i were going to recommend any of this, i would say the visual format of the slides journal was really compelling because i liked the aesthetic freedom but i also love the "wrapped" lists because they seem to cut to the core of an era's texture. in the future i'd like to try to integrate these aspects together! 📓

[cerealmonster15]

not 2 be dramatic but also it is my blog where i can ramble about what im feeling whenever i WANT!!! anyway i like. feel like something is fundamentally missing from my entire being or w/e lol. like. i mean there's a very high chance i have adhd which does explain a looooooooot of The Way That I Am and my struggle at doing and focusing on stuff and things and my rapid rotating around short interests in things. but like i also feel like [and maybe this is part of adhd idfk, i havent been Officially Diagnosed just a lot of therapists and friends with adhd all tell me i probs do lol] i just dont feel motivated to do things. and ive been this way i think a lot of my life. i realized a looooong time ago that i was not so motivated by passion but by fear!!!!! fear of failure or whatever!!!

fuckin adding a readmore bc i ended up talking forever lmao

like in school. i got good grades but i never really felt smart exactly. i was able to work really hard and spend a lot of time doing homework and whatever because i feared the consequence of failure. i didnt wanna get bad grades [not even from like a threat from home or anything, i just was afraid of the system lol like i didnt wanna fail and then snowball into ruining everything for my future or w/e. like i've always been kinda 0 to 100 in things like that lolol]

but like i remember going into college like "well i am interested in physics and compsci so i guess ill declare double major til i decide which one id rather do" but i didnt really have a clear goal. physics i dropped first because as much as i like the concept, the classes were still hard and i didnt have any idea of what i'd do with it if i did pursue it. comp sci i at least was like "well i like video games i could do something with that probably" but then i nearly flunked and dropped the class lol. my fault for skipping an intro class bc i was like "Well i learned a lot of the basics in high school" bitch u did not retain any of those basics. anyway i ended up swapping to digital arts under that same "well i like shows and games maybe i can do something with that" and that did ultimately lead me to grad school for game dev and learning what tech art is and all that. and i was employed as one for a lil while!

but then i got let go. and in the midst of a really Hard Time to be unemployd for gamedev bc of the mass layoffs ALSO happening over and over and over and over, so despite the fact that i have some industry experience, i have a significantly harder time even getting interviewed. but a lot of it is my portfolio - unfortunately the nature of the jobs i had didnt really net me much in the way of tangible portfolio work, and a quality / updated portfolio really is what matters in this field

and thats where i hit my problem. i really am not self motivated or like, creative. i dont really have ideas. a lot of my portfolio was school assignments <- stuff i had to do. stuff people told me to do. even now, i sometimes do vfx to help my partner with his solo game hes been making for years, and thats my main portfolio addition source because i need someone to tell me what they want. and then i also struggle to see the vision of that sometimes like ive been SO STUCK on a specific effect im making for the game bc im not understanding the vision and also im not really around other tech artists or vfx artists much anymore. not like in grad school lol. even at my prev job i was the main vfx person so i was kind of on my own floundering around to figure stuff out- and a lot of times i couldnt. there was no senior to guide me if i got stuck.

so when i'm just alone in a vacuum with nothing forcing me to do things i just dont. i LIKE vfx and shaders and even python, but if i dont have a thing where i have to follow specific tasks i just cant think of anything interesting or unique to do myself. even a lot of the python ive learned recently was from a udemy course, which helped a lot bc it was structured with little assignments, explanations i understood in small bursts, and specific projects with specific goals. one of those i did kinda expand on based on what i learned to make a portfolio thing, sort of. it's out of place on my artstation bc it's not really gamedev related at all but its python and it's SOMETHING. python is a tech art skill at least. i can replace it sometime if i have more relevant things but i just dont right now. i dont know what to make. i have no tool ideas, or even if i have a vague idea i just go "i dont really know how id do that" and dont feel motivated enough to figure things out or to make that vague idea even somewhat interesting. vfx i just go "i dont know how to make this look more interesting" and get stuck at unimpressive points if anything. i dont have the designer or passion part of the brain that i kinda need to survive this and it scares me. i like the structure and stability of being employed because someone tells me what they need. i dont know what i'm supposed to do on my own but im supposed to figure it out otherwise my portfolio stays stagnant forever!!!

so many times people will like. have a side project. they learn from those projects. they have a vision they want to see completed and they pick up skills for that thing. my partner is a big example with his game hes making - he could already program but hes learned a lot of the art needed to make it work, because he wanted to see the game made. people have like their comics or animations or games or whatever they do, hobbies, anything that they feel passionate about and i feel like i just lack that passion. scared that i like the idea of doing things more than doing them even if i do enjoy doing the things when i do them, but not enough to like, get myself motivated to lol. if that even makes sense.

like idk. i at least have martial arts - i did aikido in college and i do capoeira now- but it's stuff i can only do bc i have a regular group i pay and go participate in with other people. once i dont have those group settings i dont do it on my own.

ive tried to get myself to learn musical instruments so many times but once i stopped taking lessons for sax or piano bc i got busy with school, i mostly just dropped them. i cant motivate myself enough to practice on my own even tho i did learn enough fundamentals that i probably COULD if i just. cared enough i guess. i always had in the back of my mind that it would be cool, IN THEORY, to draw comics or make a dating sim/visual novel of any flavor, a virtual pet, a farm sim, whatever. but i dont actually have the vision for it. i dont have a story to tell. i'm not motivated enough. ive looked up several times ways i might be able to use python to make a lil tamagotchi project to practice but i just never do!!! maybe i know enough python from the udemy now that i could but would i?? idk!!!

people always say you learn best by just jumping into it. find something fun you want to make or do and then learn as you go. but i dont have passion. im in a vacuum. even with my fics, i still like writing my fics!!! but i slowed down so much on those. because before, i was writing them to share between my friend and me when we were first getting into twst and based off a lot of inside jokes and ideas bouncing off of each other lol. fics, aus, doodles, whatever. and we still talk twst but she isnt caught up to main story anymore and it's not as much of a thing we talk as often or deeply about. i think my doodles got a lot more boring as a result and ive had less ideas. but i do still love the characters so so so so much and i do have fics i want to write... but it slowed down and i dont WANT it to slow down. i get excited over characters and games, and it doesnt really help me in terms of trying to fuckin Get A Job or Learn A Skill or whatever but. like at least it's something. i feel like my doodles got more bland too like i just kinda redoodle the same stiff generic things over and over and over again forever

there are so many things i can just do a little bit of but not enough to be like. impressive. or hireable. or helpful or smart or knowledable or whatever. like i can crochet a little bit. i can sew a LITTLE bit to get some simpler cosplays but nothing fancy. im not motivated enough to push those further to like "make my own clothes" or a more ambitious cosplay even tho i like the base level stuff. i can program a LITTLE in python but cant motivate myself to figure out what to do with it. i used to know a little hlsl and i know some node based shader stuff but not enough to be super deep with it. like more than a non tech artist i guess but not enough to make things that really look all that good 😑 i used to do tech theater in high school, but only really knew the basics of the woodworking and lightbooth stuff, not enough/not kept up with where i could do anything with that now even though i enjoyed it then. i was in chorus in school for like five years in middle/high school and i took some basic piano and saxophone lessons but every time i try to go back to something like that im dusting off the cobwebs. i also have always had huge anxiety so i coudnt ever have considered a performance thing with it anyway. whenever i was in school chorus production musical things i was only in ensemble parts or at the very least singing with a small group of other people because i never had the ambition or desire or bravery to try and stand out lol. i liked being backstage. i started learning to rollerskate but i only ever really got to a point where i could move around without falling over and then as soon as i started capoeira i never touched the skates again. even though it was fun! i studied spanish for years and used to practice with my father but i barely ever do now, even thought i knew enough to go to spain on a school trip we still were in an english comfortable environment and i really could just fumble my way through simple conversations in spanish. i dont keep up with it enough to like, be able to smoothly translate more casual dialogue or whatever and as much as id really love to practice that more, i once again dont have the motivation or drive or even ideas for it. i have a few times thought learning portuguese for capoeira or japanese for just generic enjoyment of japanese games and anime and stuff would be cool but i do. not. stick. with. it.

i do notice lately that the other thing. next to the fear of failure motivation. it is the community thing. i do capoeira not out of fear but because there are other people i go and do it with. i pay for the classes, i enjoy the classes, i do the classes with other people. when i was in school i had other classmates doing the same things with me. when i was in tech theater or chorus clubs i had clubmates. music instrument classes i had the instructor / it was something my mother was paying for me to do / the instructor would give me homework to practice and i had to be able to report to that person the next week so i would have the incentive to do it [another failure thing i guess but still lol]. cosplay i do alone as i make it but then i see other people at cons. i hadnt done new ones in a long time tho because i wasnt going to cons, and the only one i made recently i also had the motivation and deadline of a con coming up that a friend and i were going to go to together and our cosplays connected. theres community. but right now i have no job to worry about failing at, and no coworkers to bounce ideas off of. personal projects are in such a vaccuum i just dont have the motivation or self discipline. even the udemy python thing, some lessons are more interesting than others, and it's general python stuff so rn the recent stuff is like, good dev stuff but not gamedev stuff; but i have learned enough where i probs could take it and run but i dont know how or why or what to do with it!!!

i dont know if im even making a point here i think ive just had these thoughts swirling around my mind and overwhelming me for. well kind of forever LOL

[aikea-guinea]

This post isn't about Nadja, I just wanted to share this pic because it makes me happy and I love my cat so much. 😻😍

So recently (within the last three months) I realized that I'd been struggling with my art for so long because I was trying to be something I'm not. It turns out I never was and never will be a digital artist. Through therapy I discovered that it's just too much for my perfectionism and ADHD, that infinite layers and undo-s (undoes? undies??) paralyze me. I can erase forever without worrying about ruining paper or wasting supplies, but without any boundaries nothing was ever finished. Hell, most things were hardly started! It could always be "more perfect." I was trying to change my style to be more like what I see online, but it wasn't working.

It wasn't really until I'd finished the piece for my sister that I realized that, even though I'd sobbed my eyes out several times while working on it, there was something there still, something I'd been missing with digital art. When I paint with watercolors, there's something else there that's spontaneous, something I can't control, and that was leading to some really cool results! When I painted the wolf for my brother in law, I was actually excited to see what the paint would do. Playing around gave me an awesome effect in the background that I would have overworked to death had it been digital.

All that is to say, I've accepted that I'm analog. Or, maybe a bit of a hybrid in a way since I use my iPad for sketching and then transfer that to paper. Definitely not anywhere near fully digital though. (That's not to say I'm not good at certain KINDS of digital art [my catalog of Sims creations speaks to that!] but yeah definitely way more analog.)

My brain reset...

Edit: WAIT THERE WAS MORE!

Now that I'm getting back to being more comfortable creating art again, I'm going to be pushing myself to do more of the art I know is still inside me somewhere. Ghost Lady is the first attempt at trying to stop being so damned afraid of letting my darker side come out. I'm so annoyed that I'm so scared (OF WHAT?! being mocked??) to be who I am and let that show.

Good thing I'm in therapy.

[iregreteverythingpleasehelpme]

green doodle

I am a traditional artist, but I wanted to try digital art recently so, here is a drawing of green. I've kinda been struggling to figure out digital art, but I want to make it look good, so if anyone has any requests(preferably pokemon or pokespe) I will probably draw it just so I can get more practice in. Thanks!

[palmkatzchen]

Help Ilya stabilize after getting their bank account terminated

I went into debt moving out of my narcissistic mom's place years ago and worked myself into burnout trying to repay it. I've been on sick leave for over a year now and my bank has decided to terminate my account, because the irregular payments from my health insurance made it impossible for me to repay the installments at the right date. I always did, just a few days later.

Now I'm kind of stuck between bank accounts, have no access to my old one (where my sick leave payment is currently 'held hostage') and a new one that will take at least a week from now to set up.

Because my debit card recently got lost, and the letter from my bank that was supposed to give me a two months notice never turned up at my place, I kept using my digital card, which now ended me up in 245,97€ PayPal debt. 

I've been thinking of asking for support for a while now but never felt justified to do so, but I'm in too tight of a spot to not do so anymore.

In return, if you include your social media handle in the message, I'd like to contact you for offering you a sketch in return. I've been struggling with art block, and getting some requests of any shape or form might help me, too. (That also counts for those who can't or don't want to give right now. Just shoot me a message!)

I will reblog this with some sketches, too

I’m collecting 250 € until 10/23/2024. Can you help?