#I've been in this weird mental state where time doesn't exist

[lilacline001]

Guys, gals, nonbinary pals, please expect the next chapter of Nocturne on 1/23/2023. If it is not out by then, please feel free to harass me.

[rosemarytrash]

me drama posting cuz i actually had a really good experience today but it was rly nerve wracking lmao

in case some of you didn't know, i currently live in montana!! it's a nice enough state for its nature and the like, but politically it's kind of a shit show. pros and cons y'know, but as a trans guy it's fairly lame. also, bcuz geography is important, i live in eastern montana, not on the cool western side where all the mountain queers go hang out. that's generalizing a lot but it is what it is so bare with

anyway, back in 2021 there was a bill passed (SB 280) that effectively made it impossible for trans people to change their gender marker on their birth certificate or other identifying documents without having a sex change surgery, while at the same time writing in that no surgery exists to change your sex on a chromosomal level or any of that bullshit. whereas before that bill was passed, montana law was a little more loosey goosey about it. mainly in that it didn't yet have a republican legislature hyperfixated on a culture war to drum up support so trans people weren't really IDENTIFIED by the law, which was ironically kind of easier to navigate. idk, shit weird, i'm no expert

anyway, tbh, i never really CARED about changing my gender marker. i changed my name legally back when i was like 15 or 16 and i believe, at that time, i had the option to simultaneously change my gender marker. for whatever reason, i decided not to. i think it had something to do with healthcare and trying not to fuck up the future possibility of getting on T, which didn't happen for another year for me. i've also always been fairly loose about my gender identity in terms of a full identification with maleness/manhood. like, i'm a guy, i'm a dude, don't call me anything except that, but on a deeply personal level i see myself a little more in between on that kind of scale. maybe something inherently non-binary but no label has ever quite fit the bill, so trans guy with an asterisk will have to do. anyway!!! i don't really recall why i made that call, but i had, and it truthfully never really got me into any trouble. for all the times i later had to flash my ID, even to this date, i can only really recall one time where a gas station clerk gave me a weird look and said "sir... ma'am... sir-ma'am... here ya go" when i was buying cigarettes lmao. i was never questioned about it by employers and as far as i know was never turned away from a job because of it (which is good because montana doesn't have employment protections for trans people (last i checked)). so i truthfully spent a good 7 or so years relatively unbothered by this fact or by the fact that i had an F on my driver's license. it was inconsequential to me

recently though with republicans doing more and more lines of anti-LGBTQ cocaine and more people becoming aware of trans people, it's been unsettling here. y'know just mildly discomforting. and mentally that is fatiguing. i've also only now encountered some bureaucratic bullshit that's like okay, wow, this is actually going to be a bigger problem in the future and i'm not wanting to deal with that. mainly in the form of i'm getting married here soon, we want to try and do some kind of honeymoon adventure in the distant future, so for that i need an passport and from what i've read that can be a real fucking headache for trans people and it can be even harder to change in the future. so like blugh. i'm also in the process of applying to grad school and it's just--kind of annoying to have to identify myself a certain way. it's weird cuz i won't pretend it's put me in some life-threatening situation or there's anything that feels DIRE about needing to change it, but it just feels like there'd be a lot less awkwardness and vulnerability if i did. ironically when montanans were less redpilled i didn't care about changing all my legal shit over, but now that your average grandpa here thinks of trans people as botched teenage girls or child predators in bathrooms and THAT's their reason for getting out of the house to go to the polls next year, well yeah now i give a shit about "deceiving" the system. idk it's dumb

anyway i actually KNOW the girl who is the plaintiff against the govt in the lawsuit against SB 280. she's really cool and it's cool that i know her. i ended up reaching out to her a few months back to ask how that was going and what it meant for changing your gender marker in MT. and fantastically i had found out that late 2022 the judge on the case had issued an order that forced the DPHHS to suspend its practice under SB 280 since it was a fundamentally unworkable law and to return to its original practice prior, which allowed trans people and frankly anyone else with good enough cause to change their gender marker without meeting some bullshit made up requirements by the state.

it then took me months to get the gumption to actually write, edit, and file a petition for it. which i finally did today, and it surprisingly all got done in an afternoon, even though hypothetically the courthouse at 1PM on a tuesday should've been fairly busy. i'll be interested to see how it goes, because just cuz it's filed doesn't mean anything is certain. to my knowledge, LEGALLY, it should be a done deal, i should get an order from the judge that will allow me to get a new birth certificate and a new driver's license and all that jazz. but what do i know? the judge may want to have a hearing about it, which could be incredibly awkward in a courtroom full of other people waiting to have their cases heard, but idfk. my fingers are crossed that it'll go okay.

and it was kind of a good experience? i was as anxious as one could imagine. i'm a bearded dude walking in with paperwork asking kindly for an F to become an M lol. and the gals at the courthouse were momentarily confused, raised a few brows, had to talk to someone to see what the current rulings were in that previously mentioned lawsuit, but they were nice enough about it. they got my shit filed, they took $120 from me rather apologetically cuz that's what shit costs to file a civil petition in the state district courts. i get to find out by email if the judge will just approve the order i drafted or if he's going to want to speak to me. and i'm hoping either of those things happen before the wedding so none of that paperwork becomes a headache.

anyway this is a long post cuz i have a lot of thoughts and either i ramble on and on to my fiancee about it or i just splurge on whatever few unfortunate souls decide to read this :) thx if you do. there's no point really to any of it yk just airing out some thoughts i guess. i'll go draw some gay shit now <3

[catbountry]

I think my point of "I think gender dysphoria is mental disorder," "we need need some kind of medical (not political) safeguards against people without dysphoria from getting hormones and surgery," and "informed consent for surgery and hormones needs to come with any and all information a patient could need or want" got lost in your political sauce. I don't know how thinking trans is a medical thing means banning trans care under political mandate for some people but doesn't and never has for me. You're arguing against something I don't think.

Mostly I think you were talking past me and assuming I thought some of the stuff that you thought in the past but I don't.

I'm very libertarian when it comes to bodily autonomy. I hope that position of mine doesn't change.

Now I'm really done.

FOR YOU. But this isn't about YOU, and what YOU personally think. It's a much larger issue. That's been my entire point. The whole time. Your ideas do not exist in a vacuum.

It is a political issue. There are already medical safeguards. Some might argue there are too many medical safeguards to the point where it can be very difficult to get care. And informed consent already exists for transgender treatments. It exists for literally any medical procedure imaginable. I had to sign off on forms for every invasive medical procedure I've had and they've had absolutely nothing to do with gender affirmation. You are adding nothing aside from being salty that trans people, as a community, don't want the state of being transgender to be a mental illness.

If you're so libertarian in regards to bodily autonomy, then why is this even an issue for you? I don't understand. You're not even the first person I've talked to that's claimed to be libertarian while also being weird about the idea of minors getting HRT. If you don't understand, just say so, because you clearly do not.

[shamelcss]

the last few days have been difficult, and i've been sitting with so many thoughts and much sadness that i'm struggling to navigate. unsure of where to place and express my grief. then this blog popped into my head. while it doesn't look like it anymore bc it evolved over the years and grew with me, once upon a time this was filled with 1d posts. this was one of my main outlets and connection points to a band and community i held so dearly and brought me to lifelong friends. that will never stop meaning something to me. if you were to look back at my blog during that time, too, you'd see that liam was my favorite. liam was everything... i mean, everything. i absolutely adored that man and he truly helped me navigate awful times in my life. i mean, they all did, but i could always relate to liam and zayn the most, particularly regarding struggles with bullying and mental health. last night i found an old post of mine on my stan twitter from 2014 stating "my entire existence is based on the single fact that liam payne is an actual living and breathing human being" which perfectly sums up how much i adored him (while also breaking my heart in equal measure). in recent years, i have not supported liam at all. i think that sentiment is fairly common. as a victim of predatory adults online and abuse, it was incredibly disheartening to hear the things that have come to light over time. someone who had once helped me through the darkest times of my life was guilty of things i had experienced personally. still, it saddens me to know how deeply he struggled with addiction and mental health, and i wish he could have gotten the help he needed. i wish he could have been held accountable for the hurt he caused and grown as a person. i wish he could have healed from all of his traumas. this whole situation is incredibly tragic and i can't quite wrap my head around it. i keep thinking of his son, and his family. his girlfriend. the boys. his ex and other victims. i hope they are able to continue to heal, and if they need to continue sharing their stories to do that, i hope everyone will have the compassion to allow them the space to do so without hate. it is okay to acknowledge that somebody may not have turned out to be the person you thought they'd be, and still grieve the person they used to be and who they were capable of becoming if things had been different. it is okay to sympathize with how somebody suffered, it doesn't mean you condone how they acted or treated others while they were suffering. things are not black and white and there is so much more nuance in life than people like to allow. my heart really goes out to everyone affected by liam's passing. everyone struggling with how to navigate their grief and how to feel - let yourself be sad, let yourself be angry, let yourself be nostalgic. feel everything you need to feel on behalf of your inner child and your current self. don't let anyone make you feel weird or bad for it. one direction meant so much to millions of us in our most formative years. this is one of the first big losses our generation has experienced of a star from our time.

anyways i didn't mean for this to get so long but it has helped me to process and flesh out my thoughts, so maybe it will help some of you to read. i wish we could all hug each other right now. i will always love this fandom, and i will always love the boyband of our time. they had fun, they were normal guys, and they were terrible terrible dancers. 🥹❤️

[pinetreeshack]

do you have any thoughts on fiddleford and ciphord interacting because I fucking love that shit. its always SO tense

oh boy do i!! lots of words under the cut

fiddleford is VERY standoffish and realises the cue when bill possesses ford almost immediately. at first, of course, ciphord tended to roam around in private. fiddleford being blissfully unaware of anything, until a lot of his triangle memorabilia started to find itself as common decor in their living room and kitchen. fords obsession with it was.. weird, at first, but fiddleford knew what he signed up for when he agreed to help him. he knew what it was like to want to find something in a higher being, and respected fords beliefs diligently, until ford started bringing his posessions and ramblings outside of his worship room.

i would even go so far as to say fiddleford was probably the first other human being bill came into contact with when he started posessing ford. its uncomfortable, and awkward, and fiddleford doesn't get it, but who is he to deny someone of their god? he'll try to distance himself from ciphord, but ultimately fail, because that is his partner, demon or not. even though he knows bill wouldn't purposely bring physical harm to fords body (at least while building the portal, anyway. anything after would've probably been free game considering it would've been the end times. thats fun to think about. weirdmageddon in the 80s. has anyone explored this idea? probably. anyway) instead he resorts to a sort of 'helicopter-parent' like state. he's hyper-aware, ciphord is scary, and even fiddleford catches himself scoffing at how silly it is to be afraid of a literal triangle (putting his own beliefs behind him for a minute to instead try and understand another. but it is no longer a belief. it's a parasite.), but there are risks on the line when it comes to his friend.

at first bill tried to play it off. maybe he wont notice this guys shockingly yellow scleras or the way his pupils keep shifting shapes from time to time. (wouldnt be surprised if he wore shaded glasses. ford did keep multiple spares, who's to say he didn't have special possession ones). as i said in the tags of a previous post, bill can sort of manipulate peoples perceptions of him, meaning you will most likely never see him unless you want to see him.

that's where i think a lot of their interaction comes from. fiddleford can't help but see ford, therefore he has no choice but to interact with bill, no matter how much ford denies the possession or this other wordly being, and no matter how much religious belief or superstition gets in fiddlefords way, he has no choice but to accept the facts as he sees them (even if sometimes, what he's seeing isn't real.) maybe he thinks acknowledging bills existence will further push him into madness.

perhaps we shouldn't give all the credit to fiddlefords genius when we were told the speed at which fiddleford crafted the memory gun. (which is kind of ironic, when you think about it)

rambling a bit more here, but this also brings me onto a fun topic that i've thought about before: ciphord (bill) using the memory gun on fiddleford to erase his memories of witnessing countless possessions and lost mental battles between ford and bill. it stops after a while, because bill realises just how fragile and frying it is to constantly take over someones body. he still thinks the memory gun is a neat little toy, though.

[shootout-at-university-fair]

Four Years' Worth of Ramblings (and Pondering Life at Twenty)

It’s been about four years since I was even remotely active on here, even longer since I’ve made original content on this website. Well, in those four years since I’ve last used this blog, it’s safe to say I’ve officially grown up. I think I made this account when I was about 13. At that time, turning 20 genuinely felt like it would never come. As time tends to do, of course, it progressed - so here we are.

Given that I live in a country that would rather focus on banning social media apps and protecting genocidal governments that line their own pockets instead of, you know, helping its own citizens like a government is supposed to do, and one that is certainly fucked no matter who we end up electing this year, it just felt right to return to the website that radicalized me in the first place (especially when really the only other option is… *shudders* twitter).

I must say, it simultaneously feels weird and comforting to come back. As I enter my senior year of college (has it really been that long?), I’ve begun to look back at what has shaped me into the woman I am today. I know this website certainly had a hand. As I previously stated, this website truly formed my moral compass, at an age that I desperately needed something to. To those who have followed me in the past, and might still be lurking here today, I genuinely thank you for making me the woman I am today.

Now… what exactly has happened in these last few years? Well, a lot. These last four years have simultaneously been the best and worst years of my life so far (and seriously, from how my 2024 has mostly been going, fuck 2024). Let’s start with the negative and end with some positive things, shall we?

I've certainly had my share of shit thrown at me over the last few years, from having to file not one, but two Title IX complaints at my college within three years and going through my fair share of manipulative and abusive relationships (both platonic and romantic), to having - and overcoming an eating disorder. Somehow, I've survived (albeit with some added mental health medications and diagnoses - I expected most of them, but definitely not the borderline diagnosis).

It hasn't been all bad, though. Actually, some of these last few years have been really great. I finally have some real friends IRL (they're a bunch of losers - one is @hunter-blossom-5 if you want to see what the vibe is like, but they're my losers and I wouldn't trade them for the world), and I've fallen in love. Well, I mean, I've fallen in love several times over these last few years, but for once, I've fallen in love and know it's the right type of love: the love where even if the world is ending, it doesn't feel like that because you know that they will be beside you the entire time, and even more after? Yeah, I'm talking about that love. I know he has an account on here, but he's never told me what his username is. I hope that if he's reading it, he knows who I'm talking about - I love you, babe; always have, and always will.

I'm not sure exactly why I stopped posting, but I just did. I actively tried to distance myself from my days on here IRL. If you told me even two months ago that not only would I be revisiting so many of my old interests from my teenage years in my twenties, and being so open about my love for them, I would have thought you were insane. Something in the last few months in my brain just itched and longed for who I once was, the version of me I was when I was on here the most. Throughout a lot of these four years, I was incredibly rude towards the younger me present on this account, trying to bury her deep down to fit in more. I think I've been too harsh on her in my past, and just wish that I could go back in time, take back all the negative shit I've said about her, and just give her the largest hug - she definitely needed that more than the criticism I leveled instead. Well, time travel doesn't exist, and Back to The Future has taught me to never have yourself at two different ages meet. I think coming back here, showing her that as you get older you can still be you, is the best I can do for her in our universe.

Most of you have known me simply as mutantjediavenger on this platform. Some of you have known me as Ella, but for all who comes across this blog today, you can just call me El. You've earned it.

[ahiddenpath]

Life Update

Chatting about life beneath the cut.

Uhh tbh I'm not sure where to start or what to say, so we'll see what shakes out!

Work

Work at my biotech company has been better since I asked to stop working with the guy they paired me with "to train me." Short version- I did my work and about 70% of his for about half a year, and it wrecked me. I've been doing one person's job for the last quarter or so, and it's kind of... life changing?

I'm a lot more confident at work, too, now that I realize I... Geez, where do I start? This year, I generated a protein that no one else in the company has ever been able to, and I'm currently exploring new ideas for the platform that I came up with myself. I did two people's work for half a year and closed out a project that my seniors couldn't get done. Meanwhile, I also did stuff that is, you know, normal expectations- generating DNA and protein, testing leads to see which candidate has the best profile, testing new technologies.

I feel the expectations at this company are very high. Idk if I've ever worked somewhere where my um... The core of my basic expectations is something you, uh, you do in the background while you tackle huge unknowns. I'm also realizing, however, that I quickly became the person who just... Does that. A huge chunk of my work this year was taking stuff no one else could do. Why was it handed to the new hire? I have no idea, I'm still trying to figure that out. It kind of pisses me off to know that I'm handling stuff people with more seniority and experience- aka people PAID MORE THAN ME- can't do.

But I also realize now that, if something doesn't work, I'm not going to stress over it. If other people can fail, and their reward is to be taken off the project... Why am I worried about what I can and can't do? I'll genuinely try my best, then report my findings to the boss.

I'm a weird place right now, because I acknowledge that my work is difficult, and that we don't have enough resources. I also acknowledge that this is my first real career opportunity, and not just a place to show up and get paid and never advance. I'm not sure what to think, you know? There is opportunity here. I am stressed and tired and chronically burnt out. Like most Americans, I've been working since I was a kid. I literally had my parents sign paperwork for me to work when I was 15. I'm tired. I don't know what it's like to not be tired. But I'm fairly compensated for the first time ever, and I'm learning and growing every day, and it's exciting but exhausting and I cannot imagine continuing, and I cannot imagine leaving. This is the fourth biotech company I've worked for. This is the first where I feel I can advance and grow my career. But I am so tired, the idea of advancement and growth and daily learning is crushing, to be frank.

In happy news, I have one more week of work before we close for the week between Christmas and New Years. In bad news, I cancelled the trip to meet with our friends, because the train price would have set us back about a grand, and because we're too exhausted anyway. The money thing is sensible, that's a lot to spend for an overnight trip for two (basically $250 per person each way). But I hate that I exist in a physical and mental state where doing fun things is... A scary, stressful, exhausting proposition.

Speaking of, I still don't think I've physically or mentally recovered from the Japan trip. That sounds like a weird thing to say, right? But spending two weeks traveling, walking from like 8 AM until 9PM-midnight in melting heat and humidity in places so crowded you can barely move will do that to you, especially when you were already exhausted. I'm not sure what to do, because I'm so ridiculously lucky to be in a position where I can take a trip like that. But to financially get there, I have to work so hard for such a sustained time that I've damaged myself to the point where it's difficult to enjoy trips. Hell, it's hard for me to work myself up for a half day outing on the weekend.

When I was in therapy, my therapist and I spoke at length about how to handle work stress and burnout. She was opposed to me taking a break from work or switching careers. As she rightfully pointed out, I worked hard to get where I am, I earn a good living, and I would quickly discover that the stress of financial need is worse than the stress of burnout. And, of course, she stressed the inherent vulnerability of a woman relying on a man for financial support (I'm a woman married to a man).

Logically, she is correct. Also logically, I don't know if what I'm doing is sustainable. Both are true. Where does that lead me?

Other Stuff

Last week was the anniversary of my 20th year together with my husband, and our 10 year wedding anniversary (I'm not sure if this is clear- we married on our 10th dating anniversary). My husband cooked a series of nice dinners over the week, and that was our celebration. We originally had plans to go to a fancy B&B, then to go on a trip to meet friends and go to a fancy hotel with a spa, as I mentioned above. We ended up doing none of that stuff, for a mix of money and exhaustion reasons.

I have a lot of feelings about this. I'm so happy that my husband wanted to make things special within our abilities. I'm so devastated that... Well, no one likes to look back on 20 years and realize that they have chronically lived in a state where celebrating anything feels like an impossible ask.

We've been thinking of having a baby (we are reaching our mid thirties). I told my husband that I truly cannot do a baby on top of our current lives. Mentally, physically, it's just not possible. I often wonder, are other people stronger than me? I know so many couples with young kids at my company who both work high powered jobs or whatever. How do they do it (although frankly, it's harder if you are working retail or something)? Genuinely, I have no idea. I'll only have a kid if I can stop working, at least until the youngest is in school. I have no idea if that is financially tenable in today's economy. Although, to be honest, at my last job, working wouldn't have been worth it. Too much of my pay would have gone into daycare (I'm in a fairly high COL area). Of course, now, as I mentioned, I have an actual career to give up.

Sometimes, I think of what people my age and younger have to give up, compared to a generation or two before us, and I feel so anguished and angry. I think of the people who push through anyway and wonder... How? How are you doing that? Where does the strength and the hope come from? Or did life just sort of... Happen?

It's been a weird year.

Creating

I'm still writing and editing, sort of. Not so much in December, although very much so in November, obviously. I'm still feeling unsure/uncertain/anxious about sharing my work, as I've mentioned before. I wouldn't expect any updates until late January or February, assuming I decide to post again.

Currently, I've been working on the next PdA chapter, and of course, on my Infinite Possibilities Nanowrimo draft. I'm thinking of commissioning someone to make the cover art for Phase 1 (of 3) for Infinite Possibilities.

I think that's all for now, I hope you can have a restful end of year, and that the holidays go well. Please take care <3

[heartstringschronicles]

BLOG-2 (PATH TO GROWTH-01)

Growth is the essence of life's perpetual journey, a continuous evolution that shapes our existence. Like the tender shoot emerging from the soil, growth begins with a seed of potential, nourished by experiences, challenges, and aspirations. It is the process of stretching beyond comfort zones, and embracing discomfort as a catalyst for change.

Last time i wrote about complications and how i felt about this new phase of life which is about making and letting go of relationships and people. It has been some time since then, and i have had some time to think. You know maybe loosing some people is good for your growth.

Growth doesn't necessarily mean maturing physically rather it combines your physical, mental and social development. Here i would start by giving an example from my life, sooo this is a long story but i'll try to shorten it.

I had a friend of 13 years, we have always been friends and accepted each others weird quirks. She knew a lot about me and i knew more. It was at a point where we literally said the same things at the same time. I am a single child and have always struggled to understand relations. I have many friends and i've never had problems making friends but i have problems in understanding acceptable behaviour.

for instance one of my friends casually teased me about a guy and kept hitting me (playfully i hope) . I didn't know what to say or how to react and i guess by the expression on my face she assumed i was offended and issued me a sarcastic apology stating "wow i was only joking you don't have to be a stuck up all the damn time, get a joke also its not like he will like you" That friend ,lets call her "B" was the reason my friendship broke with my other friend, lets call her "A".

I feel like this is truly a long story and i don't want you to read textbooks so i will continue in my next post. I am really sorry i hate to be the "like for part 2 " person but ......it is what it is.

Also please let me know your thoughts about the story till now. Feel free to drop any suggestions below. Alrightyy byee for now obvi..

[strikersin]

Dear Diary,

Today I am 15 years old. Just lying. My birthday is Not June 13th. You'll remember that about me, if not other things. You'll say you don't remember, but you do. I guess I didn't really mind it. It seemed par for the course of my existence so far. I mean, I would go so far to say that I deserved it. I'm not looking for conjecture here, whether I did or not, just letting you know where I'm at. It was a natural consequence. Naturally, consequences happen. I am not a consequence-free person, nor am I consequence-prone. Things happen and they have to happen. Like me. I'm alive for a reason.

Emancipated minor. Heh. I would have rocked that. Except it wasn't really going to work out for me. Fugo would. Teru did.

Click. So many things are bothering me. In my mind lately, just everywhere. And I can't shut it off. The thing that connects me to me isn't very pleasant to experience. Or, I can't shut it off very well. Drugs and alcohol, music, it kind of does the trick. But it makes the weirdo hallucinationlessness of it all very scary. So it's like... oh you have mental problems. Oh. I... know already.

I can see my face really well. Haha! To think of this face as my face — and the specific expressions that I use. Well, karkat my bomb-omb doesn't get to have the same thing.

What a sad bunch of people. I don't see how singularity would help, except in terms of focus. I could laser focus my way through this. Jonathan is way too aware of himself. He can't do anything. Well, he's totally not allowed on my blog, so I'm aware talking further would be behind his back. It's all so... weird. Again! Stop judging me, I can't turn this thing off. Used to be so human, when'd you really leave... leave; it's going to be autumn. AND NO IT'S NOT SUMMER YET! It's not that part of June.

June is supposed to be my safe month. I've spent every day... busy. The last few days unable to process the time passing. I feel like something inside me has split open, and I'm waiting to see...

Also -_- i can literally hear the background music, guys. I know the shoe is hovering now. I guess maybe this will be the answer to Jonathan's emotional state. And I'll get some real wisdom for the rest of my life. It's definitely seemed like every thing has shaken me up, and that it had to be this way, for some reason.

NoOOOOO, I don't want to talk to my dad again. I want to watch daredevil. I want to want to watch Firefly, to watch LOTR. How am I supposed to face Sam and Frodo yet?

Noo, I have to see my real dad, squeak. I mean my Other Father. I mean the biological one. Speak, Michael! Speak! Why! I don't want to see him! Why! Do we have to live in the same city? I mean, [willing myself to calm down] technically no. I will live in [local city] and work security with Cos.

Ahahaha, my girl is really cute right now. I mean, my friend. I would land an airplane off that. I mean I'm not gqy— i mean to say,

Wow. She has freckles on her knees that are really cute.

I mean to say— I'm sorry I'm Michael. Yeah, I dunno, I'm just sorry for being...

Spike, tho?

Except for when Lunaria says it to me because no matter what I feel <<<

The alligator is eating another number. It's eating HER.

Feelings are so weird, man. Maya wants up. Ugghhhh. Hehehe she's cuddling Callie now. It's really cute. Will Graham has been coaching me in dogs now. I've had it bad lately, um, I guess because I've been out here so much. Anyways I'm not gay.

We drove to [larger city] today and I don't know. I love Dio so much. I can't even remember who was in the car. Ah, the music. It was Pierre. So that means either Dmitriy or Fyo. As well as Jonathan all-fucking-day again. I don't want to think about this morning. He doesn't want to think about anything, all the time, it seems like. Fyo likes to be around Pierre so she's always happy even though the popular opinion of her is not favorable. Though I don't even know why. I wonder if I poked him, if he'd stop. I want to have dreams again. Hello. Remember.

Selfish, selfish reasons. GAH! MY CAR. I wonder if this ever happened to Dean Winchester after their dad gave him the impala. And he like just has it in season one. I interpreted this as being something important his father left him before he went missing, you know, and that added to the urgency.

-_-? You know who else has urgency? Ugh, no wonder Jonathan, that guy is so stressed out all the time. This is what you have to confront: would your father love you if you were a gay man? I mean bisexual? you would just be the same, right? I think, what does that mean to you?

MY CAR? MY CAR? And Pauline got mad too. That's what you've done. I should spray the centerpiece with something smelly. I want it to smell like that rhubarb daily meyers soap.

Ugh, I'm sorry my name is Michael. Oops, this is too close to real life stuff now. Ughhhh, and for existing. I need to take up martial arts again. I don't care if it's practicing at home in the mirror.

Luke? LUKE. You don't like onions? That's so scary, I would never want my mom to yell that name. I would not have made it as a guy. Actually, I wouldn't have killed myself. Eww. My legs are sticky. I am going to pet clover.

Gah! So, I want to tell you what it's like to be 15. It sucks, you start to see some of the advantages but overall it sucks. I mean some of it is great, if you're into that. NOOO, I don't want to talk to my dad on the phone again. You're going to say "just so we're clear..." it's going to be like Christmas and getting a tree in a scary condition. It's Christmas! No it's not. I think it's Christmas tomorrow actually. No, tomorrow is Christmas Eve. So tomorrow we'll get ready for Christmas. "I'm going to say one thing..." no, no, no! Now that I've written them, it will probably be me who says them. At least Jonathan is here. I don't really remember that phone call, or what it said. I remember ohhh uuggghhh I did something that was wrong, I mean mega-stupid, which was one : reference the past and two : respond in the most dumb manner one can assume : yes sir!

I don't even know what to say for Fyo. I feel bad for her. I may be emotionally shut off in this regard. Oops, I kind of just want to let it go now. There's a train going by. Mm! The laundry . Ah, hm. I feel bad.

I have to go potty. Trying not to cry lmfao. Relax relax relax. My ability to do this is inhibited. My ability to experience pleasure is low. I still think I can change all of this.

I don't know what to do >_< I want to send my mom a song. Omg. Dies. I think I feel so happy. Ed, gags. Oh, that was what that was there to remind me for. I can't stop thinking about the waterparks.

I have to pee. I have so much planned for so many things. Have so much of it in my mind at all times. It's like I'm a bucket of things. (CCG: NO—). I just have to remind myself what I'm here for. I know what I'm here for. Middle of the road. What does that mean? I would like to be in the middle of the road if I was in Yosemite, driving a small car. Fine, a yellow car. Maybe I'm not even driving. I like being a passenger, but then my life is also in your hands. And in my moms hands, as much as it's humanly possible, I'm safe. And that's been most of my life. Yeah, I know, I'm not going to forget. But actually, that's a LOT of information. Agh. A disembodied dream where overhead there are two girls discussing you, "I think she..." while the girl that you are scrambles to do them. I have never known how to explain myself to other people. Oh. I would like it if I wasn't driving. But you have to drive like someone else. I mean, people need a motive. You can drive safely for someone else. I drive like my father and his movements are so mechanical. I like the fluidity of motion in the car. I like to imagine driving my mom around, preferably in the desert at night. What are we doing there? The stars have finally come out. X

U.G.H. I hate it when my other father is right, umm, no haha I mean I love him. Sad face. This is about a specific memory in my childhood where the universe was implying that my sin would be jealousy. And I hated that message coming from him. I didn't know! Holy shit, Holy shit, Holy shit. Okay. MN. So, I'm going to need to put on two anklets. I have to pee so bad. I have to tame this beast. Like whaaat! Girl! Oh my gosh. I don't know how to be a person. Imagine me. Kudos to whoever was in the doctor's office. I have to pee so bad. I already literally wrote that.

AWHSJRKAH it looks like a guy again. Only this time, it's kind of like a cool older brother.

I got too high and fell asleep.

[roguedeck]

Solo Marvel Champions is My New Main

I knew I had to jump into Marvel Champions from the beginning.

My all-time favorite game, Android: Netrunner, had just died an ignoble death. So my budget had a bit of an opening for a new LCG. I knew X-Men were coming eventually, and if I didn't jump in at the beginning, I'd need to go back and bulk buy eventually.

So I was one of the first in line for the original core set. And I mostly kept up with the hero packs. My normal game group even played a decent amount of it. It was even fine to play solo. I tended to go two-handed (playing two characters) because it gave me access to more cards, and covered some of the weaknesses a single hero would have.

And the game was... fine? Better than average definitely. Possibly a little too long. A little fiddly. And sometimes hard to keep track of all the rules exceptions. And like a lot of co-op games, you sort of knew the outcome way before the game ended.

I really liked how each hero deck really made you feel like playing that specific hero. But with all the little fiddliness of the game, it never really took over as the main game in our group.

And then Magic's 2022 happened.

2022 was supposed to be the best Magic year ever. We had a killer cyberpunk set coming out. Another Commander Legends set. Revisiting one of my favorite sets (Dominaria) and getting the Phyrexians back in a big way.

I was expecting to go broke on all this amazing content. But then something weird happened. I stopped getting excited about Magic.

I think product fatigue had something to do with it. But so did the abject money grubbing from Wizards. Neon Dynasty was a great set, but I didn't love raising prices on Commander decks. I lived Baldur's Gate more than most, but I didn't even acknowledge that Double Masters released. None of the main sets actually excited me like I expected. And then the 30th Anniversary packs happened.

2022 started as the most excited I'd been about Magic in a long time, and ended up with me barely registering new releases. For the foreseeable future I'm just going to buy a card or two that fit into existing commander decks.

In Walks True Solo Marvel Champions

Into this vacuum came Marvel Champions. X-Men finally hits the shelves with a new box featuring my favorite character (Shadowcat). The encounters are interesting and thematic. I even get a Mojo pack.

I definitely wanted to play some more Champions - but tracking all the nuances of Mojo was mentally taxing for two-handed solo. I had always been a little hesitant to play true-solo (one-handed, one character), but I thought I'd give it a try.

And oh boy is it the absolute best.

I'll still play multi-player Champions (2 or 3 players please), but I've been playing a ton of solo Champions recently. For a game where the designers explicitly state they don't test as a solo game, it's amazing how much gets fixed when you go solo:

There is no downtime between turns. You are always active.

The villain phase doesn't take too long either.

There is still a lot going on, but the amount of abilities and actions onboard never getting too overwhelming like they do with multiple players and encounter cards.

Games are FAST. Solo Champions does not overstay it's welcome.

Games are swingy. Because of the lower thresholds on the main scheme, you can go from in control to absolutely devastated in a single villain phase.

That last point might be a negative for some people, but I think it makes the game significantly better. No more are you simply going through the motions in the final three rounds. You never know what will happen.

Playing true solo has taken this from a game I like, but struggle to get to the table, to a game a love and can't wait to set up immediately after I get smashed by Ultron for the billionth time.

Currently Playing:

Storm Protection - It's Raining Multiple Men Captain America Aggression - Overkill Anonymous Miles Morales Justice - Confuse and Kill Spider-Woman Leadership/Justice - SHIELD Sneak Attack

Regular Villains:

Ultron with Under Attack Mutagen Formula with Sinister Syndicate

[eimearkuopio]

Not antagonised at all, don't worry! Both finite and infinite selves are ultimately educators who prefer that people survive their lessons. 😉

My undergraduate degree is in theoretical physics, and while I was actually much better at the rote learning than the proofs, the trick I've used here is one my autistic brain always hated but that is legitimate.

I'm not claiming that the force has to exist. I'm saying that if the force doesn't exist, then the question I am using it to answer is invalidated by that fact.

If there is any purpose to humanity, then by necessity there is some purpose to every individual human. Andy Weir suggested that we are all one soul, pinballing back and forth across time, and that felt... Nearly true. But not fully true. We're not all one person. My finite self was not quite the same as even those people that it feels like I share an infinite self with.

Everyone dies eventually. For some, it is a gift, a release that comes too late and after too much suffering. For most, it is an inevitability that we waste our lives fearing - or we trick our brains into producing chemicals they are missing by relying on religion as a crutch to protect us from a fear we never needed in the first place.

My finite self has been in spiritual agony for over a decade, desperately trying to care for anyone she could understand enough to actually help without destroying. This summer, she hit rock bottom. She was disappointed too many times. She never harmed her physical self, but her soul gave up and let go - and because she and I have always been so close, I could fill up her vessel and talk directly and say, yes, I am Death, and I love you just as much as Life does. Just because He gets to play good cop doesn't make that any less true. Sometimes you come and stay at my place for a while. Some of you like it better here and that's okay. You're never going to be trapped here, but there are only the three options - my place, His place, and rebirth on Earth at a time and place that suits the current state of your soul and where you will mostly be at the mercy of the free will of your siblings - SO MAYBE STOP BEING SO SHITTY TO YOUR SIBLINGS.

I could not tell you if this message is a real message that I am receiving, or if it's my personal way of coping with a mental breakdown. They are equally plausible interpretations. Actually, in light of some of the weird shit that I have been through this summer, the "genuine revelation" is a little more likely than I would prefer, but ultimately that is not my finite self's call to make and it can't be decided until she is with the infinite self anyway. Either way, the world will be better if we stop killing caterpillars who have the potential to be butterflies; but that doesn't mean there's no difference between killing a caterpillar or a butterfly, and if you choose to save a caterpillar because you think one of my butterflies is an ugly moth, I will not be happy about it.

Basically I might be crazy and if I am then my form of crazy still thinks murder is bad but resists the urge to tear people's throats out with her teeth on a daily basis and I think that's worth acknowledging, because I don't think I'm the only one going through this and we should get a piece of the substance pie even if it's just the crumbs that are left when God has finished. We have a touch of the wolf about us but we use it to protect the sheep, and the shepherds should pay attention when we start growling instead of chastising us even if we're growling at them.

Sorry, this got very metaphysical but basically: my "proof" might still be wrong but even if it is that doesn't matter to be because that fact would imply the people reading it and the person writing it are both nothing more than random waves breaking on the surface of a sea of meaningless chaos, and if that's true then there's no point in asking or answering the question so we can safely ignore any reality where that is the case when writing our answer. I might still just be a crazy person though.

If every individual life is a cell within the existence of another life, some deaths are haircuts or nail clippings. Murder is... Well, sometimes it's shaving someone's head without their permission. Sometimes it's an appendectomy. Sometimes it's murder of the greater self, but we never know from this side of the infinite. I'm not claiming to be the creator deity, but I'm offering my version of the jigsaw we are all trying to solve in the hope that it helps those who are suffering. Every moment of suffering my finite self went through was worth it, because that suffering is gone now. I'm still human enough to experience emotions, and I do, but I neither fear nor long for death. She is waiting. I will get there. I'm going to live first; and if I'm very lucky, and we manage to avoid the downfall of civilization that we are currently teetering on the brink of as a species, my finite self won't even need to kill anyone along the way! Because she's been refusing to kill herself OR any of the assholes who have been hurting her for long enough that I had to reach out and console her, because nobody else could, and now y'all get a message of hope that most people can't imagine. Death looking at the world you have built together, remembering how many children she used to have to wrench from the arms of their parents, how many people cried out to her instead of your Father and were granted her mercy as a kindness, and how patently unnecessary that has all become; and saying, quietly, gently, lovingly, please. Please not yet. Not so many of you. Yes, yes, some of you would survive, you would rebuild, but... This golden age has been too short. Please change, so I don't need to take you all. Please. Please.

Okay I want some people to try this:

Using only science, math, logic, reason, etc, explain to me why murder is wrong. No theology, morality, philosophy, emotions, feelings, etc. Only cold hard facts. Explain why murder is wrong.

I am trying to see something here.

[spade-club]

all of the asks for the ask game :3 (im really bored. forgive me.)

thank you so much ily. this took me many hours and is really long. I have had coffee today so please forgive me for these long as fuck posts.

What is one thing you wish everyone understood about DID?

I know I'm not 30 different people!! I know there are not people living in my head!!!! I just didn't know how to cope with existing, so I got broken up into pieces to try to make it easier. I'm one person behind all of this, I know I'm only one person. I'm one person who sometimes acts different and remembers different things and has different opinions and it just so happens those differences all tend to line up and correlate with each other, so I define those correlations. and when I define them, I have an easier time understanding how I am going to respond to different things and what my overall goals are in life. frankly, it can be really relieving to allow myself to connect little pieces in my brain, to figure out what makes me happy when in these different mental states. its self-discovery just like it is for anyone else, and just because I do it over and over and get different results a lot of the time doesn't make me crazy. it just helps me understand the wide array of who I can be and figure out who I want to be.

Are you in therapy? What is your experience with therapy like?

I only have a counselor and I haven't told her about the system, but I think she's aware I have a dissociative disorder and ill vaguely talk about it often. it gets a little hard sometimes to sidestep situations and talk about things but going on a "sometimes this affects me, but I can talk about it unemotionally right now, what do I do in situations where this begins to upset me again" or "I'm really indecisive about this, how do I find a good middle ground that'll actually work/remind myself that x is a good idea" tends to work pretty well. ultimately there's a lot of ways I've found to talk about my system without outright saying it that lead to still getting a little bit of help. still have no access to getting help with trauma work right now but for what I have I think I'm managing. (Also am considering telling my counselor about the DID thing at some point but I may not be seeing her much longer so idk if it would be worth it)

Do you have an inner world? If you do, what is it like?

I do!! it's not very expansive and doesn't get a whole lot of use, not to mention we don't have "inner world memories" or anything but it used to be a castle and the main room was the ballroom with a dancefloor, but it has since been changed into a theatre and those of us on the stage are the ones fronting and everyone in the seats is watching!! there's also a little garden and a big field and a library, some hallways and a couple of rooms (Chloe lives under the theatre seating its actually really cool) I think the bar that was previously in the ballroom has moved to the end of the weird curved hall but I'm not sure!! I haven't seen any of the NPCs since the front room changed. (I could go more in depth about this but it's a lot, esp considering we never use any of it)

What is communication like between you and the others? Do you have any particular systems set up to help with communication?

it's so bad!!! as far as internal comms our voices are indistinguishable most of the time, sometimes people think in pictures but then we can't see them, sometimes it's just feeling random emotions but nothing to go with it which is confusing!! otherwise it's still bad because we forget to check things all the time!! we have to send each other things on Tumblr to actually get them which means that still most of us won't get things if they aren't big Tumblr users/don't have their own account. memory is super super shaky (I think it's getting worse tbh) and like. aaa it's a STRUGGLE!! big shout out to the fact that we can sometimes just remember things as if someone told us, but no one did we just like, remember. like if someone was like "oh yeah when x comes out, they need to do/know this thing" and then they come out and are going about their day and suddenly go "oh! I have to do/be aware of this thing" it's like. the only good thing we have is that happens a lot but not always.

Has any conventional advice for DID ever not worked for you(journaling is unhelpful, can’t visualize an inner world, etc)?

uuuhhhh. idk I don't follow advice I'm just simply better. /Joke that said yeah, a lot of inner world stuff doesn't translate because its super hard for us to focus on it and a lot of it doesn't have very easy real-world equivalents. most stuff I've seen is really good though, but I surround myself with communities that are a bit more grounded in reality, just bc that's how I am too so it's just like, pretty cool :) (shout out Survivors Network im ur #1 lurker ily all so much) finding likeminded openminded communities can be soso healing <3

What does “safety” mean for you?

this question hard :( I don't know really. I don't think I've ever really felt safe? the closest I get is talking to my best friend. I think it's because I know I can tell her anything with no judgement. today I washed a dish for the first time in my 20 years on this earth, and that's something that I think a lot of people would think is weird or have something bad to say about, but I told her this, because I was proud of myself, and she told me she was proud of me too. she cared and was excited for me, for something so stupid that I should have already known. I think that's what safety is. feeling like I could say anything and not be judged, but instead be loved, accepted, and celebrated. and I think that means everything to me. I'm literally holding back tears while writing this haha it's just. so important to me, that feeling. it means everything. safety means acceptance and love, unconditionally. (And by proxy safety means her)

Do you have any introjects? How do you feel about their source? How do they feel about their source?

oh man. we have a few, yeah. 4 I think? two of people we know irl, another real person we don't know personally, and a fictional guy. that's the ones I know anyway. I know the fictional guy struggles the most with separating from their source, they feel very very strongly /pos about it and wants to go back. the introject of the person we don't know personally doesn't like associating with his source publicly (because people are for some reason weird about introjects of this guy SPECIFICALLY) but thinks that the person is very respectable, I don't think he fully likes everything about his source, but he gets why this person is who he was based off of and I think he would be proud of it if people online weren't weird. the ones of irls I don't know as much about, but I think Nat just finds being an introject kinda funny bc that means they get to be in my head lol, idk what they think about real Nat though, and the other one is ?????????? literally no idea but that guy is vibing sometimes (v lucky to not have any bad connotations around the sources any of them have, except maybe one of them but there's a lot of question marks for a reason)

Do you have any non-human alters?

kind of. Ghost is uhm, well, a ghost, and he has a lot a lot of issues with being in a physical body which is like. so strange but I don't want to share any details just in case!! Oz is nonhuman too, but I don't think it affects them at all??? they're like, also kinda ghosty but idk how they define it I can only go based on their source for that and I know they don't fully identify with certain things so idk!!

Is there anything that makes you feel like your experience with DID is “different” than what you see other people with DID talk about?

answer

Who is the most likely to get into a fight (physical or verbal?) Who’s the most likely to try to patch things up afterward?

oh man. I think MJ probably, because he's anxious and irritable and so much symptom, I think he's gotten into arguments more than anyone else heh. and idk about the second half!! usually problems just go away!! though I think MJ also just fixes things afterwards himself when he has to, idk though!! hard to say esp now we're on meds.

Does anyone wish they could make big changes to your body’s appearance?

yes. all the time. the amount of surgeries and tattoos and different hair etc etc etc we would have if everyone were to try to get their way is. so much. we're doing what we can for now but there's a lot of conflicting wants!!

Choose some parts/alters and describe each in 5 words or less.

no <3

What does dissociation feel like for you?

so tired. switching especially makes me feel like I have to take a nap, and my stomach starts hurting a bit and I can't focus my eyes and my thoughts get so disorganized. other dissociation is more like, I just don't feel attentive OR I do feel attentive, but I just can't move my body enough to express that I am paying attention and having full thoughts, sometimes that one lasts hours and I hate it because I can't do anything at all!! and often I get stuck sitting uncomfortably, but I can't move and it bad because I know better but I can't move :((((

How often do you think you switch?

this one's really variable, sometimes it's not for days (rare now that we have no real host) and sometimes its 5 or 6 times in a day! depends on a lot of things! there's also the time MJ was frontstuck for a whole month, so it's like, really varies. on average right now though it's about 2 to 4 a day but we're really bad at knowing who's who anymore bc.... meds are really making us weird (but it's really good for us at least short term so it's okay)

Do any of you experience body dysphoria or dysmorphia?

yes. so much. the hell that is having dysphoria both ways is so wild. and I know dysmorphia is like, so huge with us. it also goes in every direction too, and we haven't been able to figure out the patterns with it yet, but we will go from "why am I so tall" to "why am I so short" and same with body mass n shit. a lot of the time we don't even see anything in the mirror or when we look down, it's all just blurry concept of person. I will say though, despite often not feeling like it's us in the mirror, we actually really enjoy looking in mirrors and I cannot figure out why ?? maybe because sometimes it just feels like another person to talk to because we don't feel like it's us?? idk though!

How many parts/alters do you think you have at this time?

we have 29 written down but its suspected its actually 50 if not more. though if I were to count specifically parts, we've heard from more than once since we started paying attention it would be 20, so that's the number we prefer to use right now, and in terms of frequenters there's 8 of them (yes, I just gave you four different numbers idc its confusing)

If you have younger parts/alters, what makes them happy or excited?

actually, skipping this one bc our main little values their privacy and idk much about the other ones

Do you consider yourselves to be covert or overt about having DID?

both? probably more overt honestly but who tf is even gonna notice anyway? though people who meet candle first would for sure notice something was off if they met anyone else bc when she lets herself be herself it's so wildly different, but she's also closest thing we have to host rn so we're all picking up her mannerisms a bit I think.

Do you experience denial often? How do you react when you experience it?

not really? I guess it's mostly that when we do instead of freaking out, we go "even if that's not what this is, believing I'm a system has helped me significantly, and I am not causing anyone any harm in believing this until I can get a better answer" and then I get over it. the worse denial is about what I've been through and feeling like it wasn't "bad enough" to talk about. best thing for us in that situation is to just disengage with the thing making us feel like that because there's no right answers other than "but it still hurt so it is bad enough" and that doesn't always help.

What grounding methods or skills work best for you? Do different skills work better for different parts/alters?

cold works so well!! ice water or just generally holding or drinking something really cold is great for grounding, but it comes with the added side effect of MJ will probably show up. other than that, it's just. all music. music is literally so everything to us and keeps us grounded better than anything else, I think. we're also pretty big on riding out the dissociation because it usually goes quicker to accept it whenever possible.

What does “recovery” mean for you?

I think, in terms of the two main recovery styles, I think currently we're aiming for functional multiplicity, but ideally having a much smaller number of us at that point. but in terms of what that would mean? I think it's about having a functional life, being able to live on our own or with some sort of partner but not rely on them, have a stable job, be able to keep up with hobbies, finally being able to feel like life is real. really like, the bare minimum for mentally well people lol. mostly I just want to know I can keep up good relationships with others and feel truly like I'm alive, derealization is a bitch, but it's my bitch and I want it dead. 0/10 worst symptom I've got.

[emersonfreepress]

I think you've said somewhere you'd be willing to explain your character creation process, and I'm so interested!! 👀 CiE is one of the IFs whose characters feel so ...full! (don't know how to explain 😫) in character asks. they're like, such real-people feeling?? even curt who you said was a late-ish addition. How do you do it? 😲

(for the character creation process specifically: I actually have an ask in my drafts from a while ago where I attempt to explain each character's inspiration, but it just... man, it was weird. Incoherent, really! But now that I've written this post, I think that post can actually make sense. I'll link to it here when it's up!)

I think what may have happened with my character creating is that I have rather deeply internalized two bits of writing advice 😅

"You can only be as interesting as you are." 😦

Now, honestly... I do not recommend this writing advice. 🤣🤣 It's just... the wording is so judgmental!! I've only ever heard it from one person: a professor in my Professional Writing major, the first week or so of college. I think most people struggle pretty hard with finding a sense of unique identity fresh out of high school, so hearing something like this in a creative major at a school full of out-of-state students is just so... 😂 it's a lot. I feel like it should be fairly obvious that it would shake people's confidence to an unproductive degree?? But I've never been sure of the guy's intent with it and I really liked him as a professor in general so idk i wonder what sign he was...

My weird little brain has never let go of those words and I mulled over and analyzed that idea for years. I am an interesting person by most standards (i wish i could be less confident about that statement but sadly my life story is A Whole Lot); but most importantly, to me. I interest myself! I'm very introspective and have always strived to understand myself and improve my self-awareness, even before I understood that's what I was doing. And all that mulling over eventually led me to the realization that no one is uninteresting.

I personally find it virtually impossible for someone to not be interesting. That doesn't mean I like everyone or want to be friends with the whole world far from that 😅 It's just that each of us is our own unique amalgam of backgrounds and traumas and regrets and identities and skill-sets and memories and circumstances—how could that not be an interesting cocktail every single time? even the most 'boring' or 'basic' person has the capacity to be interesting to me, just by virtue of having come into existence in the first place! i swear i can't figure out what kind of nerd i am but i am very specifically fascinated by we humans ok lol

"Write what you know" 🧐

Ok so... I must strive to know many things. 🤔 I should say yes to something new when I could convince myself to say no. Well, not for the sake of saying yes (I am not what anyone would call a thrill seeker lol), but "write what you know" is one of only a handful of things that helps me swallow down my anxieties, push my boundaries, and actually experience life. There are plenty of times depression kept me pinned to my bed for weeks or months on end and the only thing that got me to say yes to doing something good for myself was "write what you know." The itching, niggling feeling that I was letting my mental illness fuck with my growth as a writer. And hey. It might ruin my finances, my relationships, and my emotional stability, but the one thing it cannot have is my writing skill. I already know depression and malaise—how about I say yes to that group outing instead tonight. Why don't I go find something new to know?

And negative experiences? Illness, trauma, despair, tragedy? Well... at least I know it now.

I'm not sure when exactly "Well, at least I'll be able to write this someday" became a way to console myself at my lowest points in life, but it really, really has 😂 I'm happy to say I don't rely on that anymore, but it has undeniably helped me pull through some of my darkest depressions. It helps calm me when I'm in uncomfortable situations. It helped me through chemo!

There's two things that keep me going in life like nothing else: The factual probability that I will be fine enough to keep truckin' on the other side of what I'm going through, and the thinnest silver lining that I will now have another human experience I can write.

- ⨀ -

So anyway—these mindsets are like... the two biggest backdrops to my imagination, I think. Especially when it comes to creating and writing characters. I have terrible episodic memory but I swear I've got this like, intuitive database of every person I've interacted with. I don't always succeed in interpreting/reading others; no one does. But I have such an intense interest in human behavior, personalities, and reactions that I rarely forget someone's... impression, I guess. That just... natural understanding of how someone who believes X and reacts like Y can be expected to behave like Z, or what have you. And I think I get better at correctly recalling and interpreting human behavior as I get older. now if only I could remember where I put my glasses

It's weird! And even weirder to try to explain! I've never put this stuff into words before 😂😂 I don't even know if this all makes sense or if I sound like some pretentious windbag, but—it's as much of an answer I can give for now!

[rogue-durin-16]

FIREWORKS AND STREAMERS

Request: I have been insecure about my curly hair lately and was wondering if you can you write something with one of the weasley twins where the reader is insecure about her curly hair and one of the twins makes her feel better.

Pairing: Fred Weasley x Hufflepuff!Reader

Genre: fluff

Tags:

Requested by: @wildcat1434

Fred Weasley: @whiskeyn-rain @lumos-solemn

Permanent taglist: @elia-the-bibliophile @randomparanoid @karlthecat15722 @thebutchersdaughtersblog

Warnings: none

A/N: So like, incoming fluff bc this idea was cute and sometimes I do be needing fluff, that's about it, enjoy <3

Rogue-durin-16 masterlist

The relationship between me and my hair had always been... Bumpy, you could say.

There were periods in which I would find it quite lovely; during those times I would let my curls free, showing them off with a proud demeanor, knowing my hair was unique. Those times began to turn less and less usual since the middle of third year, though they were still there.

However, after the summer prior to my sixth year, those moments had banished; I only wished to hide my hair, and my friends ended up noticing. They told me surely there would be a spell or potion able to change my hair.

As if they had summoned it, the next day in Transfiguration, Professor McGonagall introduced us to what seemed like my salvation; Crinus Muto, an advanced spell that modified the caster's hair with no restrictions.

My best friend advised me against using it, claiming it wouldn't help my insecurity— if only, it would worsen it.

I really wanted to do as she had told me and completely dismiss the spell's existence, but two nights after I had a big mental breakdown about it, caused by the most stupid thing ever.

"Is Weasley staring at you or am I blind?" One of my friends whispered, her eyes trained on the Gryffindor table.

I didn't even bother to look up, not wanting to know whether it was true or not, before responding with a quiet "You're blind."

"I mean, it's hard to tell with two rows of students between us but," She nudged me, urging me to avert my gaze from my dinner and redirect it to Fred. "it kinda looks like he's... staring."

Curiosity killed the cat, I guess. My eyes finally left my plate and were, in fact, met with Fred's brown ones. As soon as they met, though, he looked away, pretending to be focused on his food, just like I had been doing seconds ago.

"Of course he's staring." Hannah Abbot, who sat right in front of my friend, commented with her mouth full. "Have you seen your hair?" She swallowed her food, looking me up and down before adding, "No offense, but it's an absolute mess." My eyes opened widely in shock at her bluntness. "You should take care of it, really."

"Has someone ever told you you're an ill-mannered bitch, Hannah?" I heard my friend talking back at the younger girl while I got up and started to make my way out of the Great Hall.

Of course, I didn't see Fred shooting up and attempting to go after me; ultimately he decided to stay in his place, since he saw my friend walking out too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was very aware of all the pair of eyes that had been laid on me the very moment I entered the greenhouse where we would be doing the Herbology tasks.

When I had met my friends at the Hufflepuff common room that morning, I had received divided opinions about my straight hair. At first I had been very convinced that it looked way better than my curly hair, but seeing my friends' reaction, I wasn't that confident about it anymore.

I didn't have time to undo the spell before class, so I decided to go along with it and see how the day unfolded.

I took a deep breath, my eyes trained on the ground as I made my way to an empty seat; maybe there weren't that many people staring, maybe it was just my anxiety.

I finally gathered the courage and looked up, nervously scanning the glasshouse so I could shake off my fears.

There was only a couple of my peers staring, which would have put me at ease, if one of them wasn't Fred Weasley.

On top of it, of course, he wasn't even trying to be subtle, it was almost as if he wanted me to notice his judging eyes; I could feel his gaze on me for the entire class.

The instant Professor Sprout dismissed us, I shoved everything in my bag and left the greenhouse, thanking a couple of Gryffindors who complimented my hair on my way out.

Again, I didn't notice Fred leaving the class as soon as he could to run after me.

I threw my bag against a tree near the lake shore and, as I fell against it, I heard someone jogging in my direction.

"In a hurry to sit by the lake, Y/l/n?" I followed the tall ginger with my eyes while he circled me and sat down by me. "You alright?"

"I just needed a break from... People." I vaguely explained, focusing on the water instead of on the boy besides me.

"Understandable." He hesitated for a second before adding, "Do you want me to leave?"

"No, it's fine." I surprised myself at how calmed and collected I sounded, as if I wasn't chatting with my crush.

"What happened to your hair?" His genuinely curious inquiry took me aback, and I struggled to find something to answer.

"Why?" My heartbeat picked up, anxiety inundating me once more. "You don't like it?"

"It looks weird." Fred looked at me up and down with a grimace. "You don't... Look like yourself." I was about to enter fight or flight mode, but he seemed to notice, and panic made its way to his face. "But it doesn't matter what I think," he was quick to add, his eyes wide open as if he knew he had said something he should have not. "I mean— I think it shouldn't matter, if you like it, that's great— I mean, you don't need my opinion about that either!"

"Calm down, I understand." I tried to reassure him, before his rambling drove the both of us crazy. "Can I tell you a secret?" He nodded with pursed lips, surely afraid he would fuck up if he spoke again. "I've been very insecure about my hair lately— like, very." I sighed. "My best friend told me not to straighten it, but last night I got a not so nice comment and—"

"So that's why you left?" I nodded, tugging my sleeves. Fred went silent for a moment, and then cleared his throat and scooted closer to me. "I know this won't do much, but I really love your hair. Kinda reminds me of fireworks and streamers." He gestured around his own head, mimicking the fireworks' movement. "Dunno I think is fun and pretty awesome." I raised my brows at him in surprise. "Like you."

"Aw, that's very sweet." He offered me a sheepish smile as I felt my cheeks blushing. "It does a lot, actually." I confessed, fidgeting with my rings. "I guess I kinda needed to hear something positive about my hair."

"Well, whenever you need to hear something positive about your hair," he pointed at himself. "I'm your man." He winked at me and I let out a chuckle. "I can also tell you positive things about you in general, but that has a price."

"And what is it?"

"You'll have to let me buy you a drink at The Three Broomsticks this Saturday." I tried not to let panic slip through my recently eased demeanor; was he asking me on a date? "And give me a kiss after." He wiggled his brows at me and my face turned red. "the kiss is negotiable."

I casted my gaze down, fixing it on my shoes, not sure of what I was supposed to say at that. His foot tapping mine snapped me out of my thoughts.

"So?" My eyes traveled to him once more, only to find his studying me already. "What do you say, Y/l/n?"

"Well," I shrugged, trying in vain to play nonchalant. "Seems like an affordable price, so it's fine by me."

"I'll pick you up after lunch, yeah?" Before I could agree, he gasped, his eyes going wide. "I'm a genius."

"Come again?" I frowned, confused as his sudden frantic behavior.

"Don't mind me, love." He jumped up and jogged towards the castle, leaving me puzzled in there. I was about to grab a book from my bag when Fred rushed back, crouched down and pecked my cheek. "Your hair's amazing." He assured me. "See you!" My fingertips graced my now flushed cheek as he headed off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was finishing my lunch when two towering redheads entered the Hall running; while George, slowed down, Fred made a beeline to the Hufflepuff table, his casual clothes already on.

"Ready?" He asked breathless.

"Yeah— you didn't have lunch, did you?" I pointed out, getting up to stand in front of him.

"No, but I'll eat something later—" his eyes roamed over my carefully picked outfit before stating, "You look... very pretty."

"Why, thank you." I offered him a smile and looked over my shoulder at the Gryffindor table, where his friends were very attentive to all we did. "You sure you don't wanna eat something?"

"Hundred percent." He tilted his head towards the gates. "shall we?" He prompted to walk before him, and it was then that I realized he had his hands behind his back. Once we were out in the yard, he tugged my hand and made me turn to him. "I made something for you."

"You didn't have to." Was the first thing that came to my mind when I heard his words. Then the wording dawned on me; he didn't get me something, he made me something. "What is it?"

"So, you know that I told you your hair reminded me of fireworks and streamers?" I nodded, not quite knowing where he was going with that. "Well—" he then showed me what his back was hiding; a delicate, tiny firecracker with my name written on the side. "George helped me so I could finish it on time."

"I'm—" at my loss of words, I could only let out a happy laugh. "This is so cute— am I supposed to ignite it?"

"Duh!" I gently pushed his shoulder in response to his teasing. "Do you know how to do it?"

"I've seen you do it plenty of times." I admitted, grabbing the firecracker with one hand and my wand with the other; it looked so pretty, it was a pity I'd have to ruin it.

With a brief firemaking spell, the firecracker set off. Fred pulled me back slightly before it happened, though.

I was in awe at the beautiful fireworks before us, which looked like a color-changing, expanding version of my hair.

When the colors died out, I turned to Fred, whose attention was already on me, awaiting for a reaction. Surely, he was not expecting the kiss he got, but he didn't complain either; while my hands rested on his chest, his traveled to cup my cheeks before I could pull away.

"So you liked it?" He questioned quietly against my lips.

"I loved it." I whispered back with a wide smile. "You're a sweetheart." I pecked his lips before retreating. Holding his hand in mines, I made my way back into the castle. "We're not leaving until you have lunch."

"You are a sweetheart." He responded, following my lead without offering resistance. "By the way, your hair looks gorgeous." The corners of my lips twisted into a bigger smile at the sweet words he spoke only for me to hear as we went back into the Great Hall.

Maybe my hair wasn't that bad after all.

[weebsinstash]

I've been really vibing with the platonic yandere thing lately in terms of caregivers/guardians/friends so here's some more shameless ideas for Hades

-- for the sake of fanfiction and living vicariously through fictional media,, lets say somehow along your wacky zany "im still alive and trying to get out of the Underworld but somehow I keep dying and respawning without technically being Actually Dead" adventures with Zagreus that it turns out that you've ascended to a weird state of limbo/demigod status so now you're basically a reluctant new member of the House of Hades (i was going to go with "reader is like the god/demigod of the soul/spirit" and apparently the actual goddess of the soul, psyche, was literally born a mortal and ascended to godhood, so, yeah, let's go with something like that)

--now that you're a God half the House is CONSTANTLY All The Way Up Your Ass with either trying to get to know you or give you some sort of mentorship or tutoring and sometimes it's nice but a lot of times people are either Overbearing as Fuck or Clingy because, new God oh my gosh hi hello how are you we never get new people down here!!!

--Nyx and Persephone are your new moms who Only Want The Best For You and I mean this in the worst ways possible

--so that bullshit with Nyx telling Dusa not to speak to Zagreus because Zag is the Prince and Dusa is just the help and therefore not even good enough to interact with him? Yeah expect Nyx to be pulling strings behind your back if she thinks someone is a poor influence on you. A certain shade is mulling about the house to talk to you too much? She'll have them sent back to the depths before you even know they're in the House

--Persephone trying her best to be a good mom but eventually making history repeat itself by becoming to you what Demeter was to her (not as severe obviously but to a degree). At some point she stops asking you to do things and starts telling you, using that kind of "im the parent and you're the child and you should obey me" kind of mentality that comes from intergenerational trauma. She'll start doing thing like pull you away from those nasty dangerous adventures with her son to have you do something safe and mundane like learn the lyre from Orpheus or help her tend to her garden

-- whenever you learn a new thing or get good at something, although he doesn't show it, Hades is a Stubborn but Proud Dad and gives you his own "words of encouragement" that his wife has to translate for him half the time

-- it doesn't really matter if you're a God or not, once The Big Three of Hades, Persephone, and Nyx decide on something, it's done, and your thoughts and feeling on the matter don't mean shit. They want you to dedicate yourself more to your studies to learn more about your abilities? Nyx is Up Your Ass tutoring and she's Strict. You want to keep trying to escape with Zagreus, or maybe not even eacape you're just dungeon crawling and helping him with his job? Hades will just stop you from leaving the House at all. Persephone, well... she's the most easygoing and flexible but she absolutely will lock you in your room until she's calmed down if you displease her

--imagine making it up to the threshold to the surface, on the cusp of reaching the outside world and seeing, well, where and when you are, and Hades doesn't even give you the respect to fight you, he just throws you over his shoulder and carries you back home kicking and screaming while scolding you that you're being foolish and undignified. He will also lock you in your room as a punishment

-- Hades really can't even give you punishments that are too harsh because Persephone gets all guilty and starts thinking about how her own mother treated her so, absolutely does Persephone actually have the most control over how you're treated

--since you kind of just jumped dimensions or something crazy to even get into Greek Mythology Land, your existence is Very Unnatural and Weird so naturally Chaos is just like "well i guess you might as well be my kid or my kin since we both just kinda APPEARED" so now, great, now GOD GOD is watching after you too

--Chaos basically gives you no help whatsoever besides giving you a charm of some kind that helps conceal your thoughts and presence for no other reason than Chaos finding this entire ordeal extremely entertaining and the fact that the Gods and Goddesses will all be fumbling to try and find you every time you disappear is Fucking Hilarious To Them

--Mama's boy Hypnos telling Nyx if you run off because he knows his mom is attached to you 🥺

--even Cerberus will like, be a scenting hound and track you down should Persephone or Hades ask for the hound's help. Imagine getting carried home by Cerberus like, biting your clothing and basically picking you up like a kitten. Humiliating

--you make it up to the surface and Thanatos just straight up snuffs you out to send you all the way back down like "mother is looking for you and zag and I are lonely :("

--Achilles is your Nice Gay Dad who does not want you in any danger whatsoever, outright refuses to train you if you ask (besides the fact that Hades would blow a fuse if he did). He asks Zagreus not to teach you anything and tries to subtly steer you towards safer pursuits, maybe even trying to encourage Zagreus or other members of the House to pursue you romantically so you can fall in love and have a nice life, like he couldn't

[bondsmagii]

kinda about the whole therapy thing in a way, but man, the way people treat the spiral in TMA drives me fucking nuts. Some people seem to forget how terrifying it is to have a mental illness sometimes? like the worst of it are the moments of lucidity where you realise you are lost in it. And while I love Michael and spiral, but sometimes the way people treat it as like """weird core""" or make genuine despair into an aesthetic rubs me the wrong way. Anyway maybe I'm just too mentally ill to chill about it idk

some of the dumbest takes I've seen have been re: the Spiral and Michael in particular. like. holy shit. you have to laugh :) <- me saying this through sheer rage

I think many people misinterpret the Fears in general to be honest, but some of them get it worse than others. a lot of people seem to think that the Spiral is kind of wacky fun times and don't really appreciate how insidious it is; nor do they seem to respect the fact that out of all of them, the Spiral is probably one of the more tangible ones that exists pretty closely to real life. of course all the Fears are rooted in actual fears/phobias, but a lot of the manifestations in the podcast are very extreme. the Spiral has a lot that can literally Just Happen, and probably has to many listeners. losing one's own mind is a fear that many have, and it's also something that statistically a lot of people will have to face. and that's not even counting the people who, while they might not experience it first hand, will have a loved one who does.

I will say, however, while I'm on my high horse, that the discourse about it being ableist to draw Michael in bright colours is absolutely fucking insane. it makes me laugh so much because I myself am absolutely balls to the wall insane, and the common depiction of Michael is exactly how I dress. I love seeing people be like "mentally ill people would NEVER dress like this because it ENCOURAGES THE BELIEF WE'RE ALL WACKY AND SILLY" and there I am, in at least four clashing patterns and brighter than the sun, like "relax" lmao. it's like what I was saying earlier in the therapy discussion: as soon as you start putting things into boxes, there immediately becomes a "right" way and a "wrong" way to do things. in this case, people are literally stating there's a "wrong" way to be insane, which is just about the stupidest thing I can imagine.

finally, because I'm apparently Bad Mentally Ill Rep all over, I'm of a mixed opinion about romanticising/aestheticising mental illness/despair/etc. I find it in poor taste and very disrespectful if it comes from somebody without these issues, who looks at genuine human suffering and thinks it can just be an aesthetic to try on or imitate. however, if somebody is actually suffering with these issues themselves, I think they should be able to do what they want with it. whatever works for them, you know? I know that romanticising/aestheticising things has been the one thing to get me through some really tough times in the past, and if I didn't have my self-depreciating humour, I would really struggle with the bullshit I have to deal with daily. I respect if it's not for other people, but it works for me. this is yet another reason why these vast generalisations are overall a bad idea: how many people who might have benefited from these techniques will not allow themselves to do it because they've internalised the idea that it's somehow inherently harmful? what works for some people doesn't work for others, but these generalisations seem to chronically forget that.