#I've been getting actual gender euphoria lately

[ablednt]

God though I have a complicated relationship with womanhood like growing up I was afab and by the time I hit puberty I so very much Wanted to be a girl but like. I never felt like one and I never was really treated like one either. Because of my disabilities because of my executive dysfunction I was seen as a girl not in the way a human woman can be a girl and more like how a dog can be a girl.

And that would've done enough damage on its own but all of this took place in a fundamentalist cult setting in which afab people's entire worth hinged on their ability to fit "ladylike" standards. Women were objects in this culture but I was a useless object, I would only ever be the thing doomed to perform gender it is not allowed to have and be mocked for it the idea of anyone actually viewing me as a girl or a woman was out of the question. None of that was ever explicitly stated of course and everyone dangled the idea of me just trying a little harder and actually becoming a real girl was dangled over my head and I spent my teenage years chasing it relentlessly and never succeeding.

So then I stepped into queer spaces and for a while thought I was a cis girl and just really miserable being a girl mostly because I never wanted to transition to anything else I just wanted to get any semblance of self-actualization you know? Becoming a lesbian helped a lot, I stopped feeling ashamed of having bodyhair and in acknowledging my attraction to girls was because they're beautiful and I want to kiss them and not because I'm sad how much more human and girl they are compared to me, my self esteem slowly improved.

But I wasn't there yet because my only tie to girlhood was still the misogyny I experienced, no one made me feel like a woman no one treated me the way other girls I knew were treated, but I had to bear the full brunt of fundementalist misogyny. Not only was I female but I was, in their eyes, defective and deserving to be punished for not being a real woman to them yet being female. Spending a lot of time around exclusionists and cryptoterfs wasn't helping at all because they equated being a woman to that same suffering that I wanted to recover from. I felt unsteady because I was less than a girl already and then I was told that being a girl is just suffering and I felt trapped.

That eventually led me to becoming nonbinary (which, I still am I haven't stopped IDing as that) because finally I was offered an out. If girlhood was a treadmill I was forced to run with broken legs, the nonbinary community turned it off and bought me a wheelchair. I didn't Have to be a girl and I wasn't worth less than "real girls" and outside of the binary there weren't really any standards. Sure hyper-androgyny was expected in a lot of queer spaces but I wasn't really that out as nonbinary so I could just kind of relax and figure myself out.

I spent a few years coming to terms with that and I started to get dysphoric over my body mainly because whilst I'd escaped cis-feminine beauty standards people still saw my size and disabilities and treated me badly and I thought that if I tried to be more boyish I'd at least be seen as a disabled boy instead of a disabled girl (as a little person I still look and sound like a child and unsurprisingly people give young boys a lot more independence and ask a lot less questions than with young girls) but despite having a flat chest I could never pass as masculine very long at all so I grew to resent my body and my voice for not being masculine not because I actually hated being feminine but because I desperately wanted to be treated like a human being. I didn't know anything about disability rights at the time or even that I was disabled so I just identified the dysphoria and struggled with it. I do think it Was gender dysphoria but it was just really compounded by internalized ableism.

Interestingly once I'd spent enough time in my nonbinary identity to take notice of some glaring issues re: cis women's treatment of transmasc people in "inclusive" spaces and started to talk about it all the women who treated me like woman-lite and insisted I perform that toxic femininity for them realized they could not allow me to say "as someone who's woman-alligned I'm calling bullshit on your transphobia" so people very aggressively started misgendering me as masculine. A lot of them were terfs and a lot of them just assumed I was amab because I disagreed with them and it was really distressing to fall right back into being gatekept from womanhood but now very blatantly "you can't be a woman because you're not Like Us you're a man or something else but you're not one of us".

So i unpacked some of my trauma with growing up afab but not Really A Woman and realized I had a lot more underlining dysphoria and resentment towards femininity than I realized. At that point I said "well if you don't want me to be a girl then fuck it I'm not at all a girl anymore. Why would I care to fit into some bullshit standards anyway?"

That lasted a little while until I made friends with other trans and nonbinary people who were happily feminine or woman alligned. Mostly it came in the form of a lot of light hearted "girl power" jokes and just making girlhood something light-hearted and free of any actual standards and that really gradually healed something in me. I was discovering a femininity and womanhood that was genuine and desirable, girl can mean anyrhing a girl wants it to mean and that was something new it wasn't the gender I was assigned at birth by a fucking long shot.

The past year, even though I'm still definitely nonbinary, I've become completely comfortable calling myself a girl again and using she/her in addition to they/them and now I know the problem was never that I didn't want to be a girl but that girlhood and most cis people's idea of girlhood are just different genders entirely.

I'm not detrans or anything especially considering I never had any sort of transition other than the pronouns I still use but I have that experience of "when you question your gender you unlock your original gender 2.0" and it's really pleasant is the thing.

[prettycottagequeer]

ok maybe I'm a little late to this BUT I'm gonna do a to-do list motivation thingy because I've had the worst two weeks since I started college :)

SO these I should start on asap:

50 I make the snack I really want but I haven't had the motivation to make

100 I clean my dorm. another thing I've been meaning to do for a week

150 I do the presentation about mid-victorian fashion I've been putting off (due Monday)

200 I start memorizing the monologue that was due a week ago (now due Tuesday)

these can wait longer:

300 I spend time outside. It's so nice but I'm getting stuck scrolling because I feel like shit. vicious cycle ect

500 I start setting a better weekend routine (aka getting up before noon)

1k I start working out again. I was doing a routine to get more masc and build muscle and I liked it but life hit me like Crowley driving the Bentley and I've missed like 3 weeks

2k I buy my first binder. I've been coping with sports bras for almost a year now and I haven't been able to justify spending $50+ on a binder even though I know I'd love it and use it everyday.

Do I tag people? I don't know but I'm going to. @the-globe-theatre-maggot @weirdly-specific-but-ok @howmanyholesinswisscheese

here's just some context if you want to read, feel free to skip. some of this I've talked about in the maggot server, some I haven't, but I really just need a place for this to go that's out of my head. tw homophobia, transphobia, car crash(??)

How I Have Been Run Over By The Bentley Going 90 In Central London What Feels Like 50 Times In The Last Two Weeks

I'm going to college about 4 hours away from my parents, and it's been really nice. They.. suck, to say the least. transphobic/homophobic ect, super traditional conservative catholic, racist, all of it. so i tried to move somewhere where I wouldn't have to think about them and I could be myself and do what I can to be happy. March 1st was the start of my spring break, which meant going home because the dorms close. I was already not excited, but I was prepared. the problem with being away from home is I forget just how bad they are. My optimism gets the better of me and I think maybe this time they'll be better. so I decided to not hide my septum piercing.

that was a mistake. it starts a whole fight where they say we know you're trans, you're actually a girl and you always will be, we have the bones argument, they think I'm being influenced by demons or something (if only they knew about crowley) because I want to change my name, and they tell me that going on t will completely ruin my body and give me cancer and other things. They're also mad about my dyed hair, septum, and general style, and say I'm setting a terrible example for my (5) younger siblings and make it a point to tell me just how much of a disappointment I am. I think I'm pretty cute and fun but y'know, whatever. very fun time. I lie so much, don't give them any more details about my identity, and say I'm not planning to go on t to save my ass. which is all on instinct which makes me feel worse because if I'm really trans I should be able to stand up for that, right? maybe I'm faking the dysphoria.

the next morning I wake up really sick, and spend the rest of the week sick and feeling like shit because I'm home and back in the same place and situation I was a year ago that I thought I escaped. at one point I pretty much lose my voice but also kind of get gender euphoria from it. it's weird.

On Friday it's time for me to drive back 4 hours to school, and I make it about 3/4 of the way when google maps takes me on a random gravel road and I crash my car, really crash my car, like sideways-in-a-ditch-windows-broken-crawling-up-out-the-door crash it in the middle of nowhere. (I was fully paying attention to the road, it was raining and super slick) I call my parents because I have no one else to call and I sit in a Subway for 3 hours while they drive to get my car. when they get there they're (understandably) really mad, and they tell me that I'm not mature enough to be going to school so far away and I need to get my shit together and stop depending on them. which. is probably true. but made me feel even more stupid about the fact that I crashed my car. I get back to school and I'm still Very Sick with no energy or motivation to do anything. So I've spent the last week trying to get better and honestly to do anything. it hasn't really worked. I'm a lot better health-wise (Not emotionally), still sick but I have a lot of work due, so I really need a push to get started

[chqnified]

Had physiotherapy for the first time, and I will say, it has done wonders so far. I mean, the pain is coming back, and boy I feel it. I guess it demonstrated how much pain I'm constantly in and not realising, because I was relieved of it for an hour,,,, it's hurting like shit now it's returning.

Also never felt more comfortable swimming. Not just because there's no one around to judge, but because I could wear what I was comfortable with wearing. That being a binder and shorts.

The binder actually slays. My older brother did tell me that you could go swimming in that branded binder? But I had to check obviously to make sure, and the website said you could too. It actually worked so well.

Anyhow, if it's going to be a regular thing, I might buy a binder specific for when I go for physiotherapy etc, that way I don't wear out my day to day binders.

[cyanide-latte]

Honestly the most gratifying thing about my undercut that doesn't have to do with gender is that now I actually get genuine compliments on my hair.

I have naturally very curly hair. It is also very dark but has been steadily turning white since I was 15 (I'll be 35 in October.) I've had it long before, and most often in my life I've had it cut very short in a boyish style.

And my entire life, the comment I heard most was "is your hair naturally curly?" (always said with a dubious tone even when I was little, because I guess other 5-year-olds must have been getting perms) And it's usually always followed by "I wish I had hair like that, I'd kill for your hair" or some variation thereof.

I was told this was a compliment. As an autistic child who hated my curls for the longest time, this frustrated me. It never sounded like a compliment, it never felt like a compliment, and if they wanted my hair so bad, they ought to find a way to trade with me.

As I got older, into my late teens and early twenties, I made peace with the curls, even though I still got those same "compliments". But since I'd been getting increasingly white hair since age 15, they were now accompanied by people criticizing my "highlight job" and my choice to "mix in blonde". Looking people square in the eyes and saying "I don't have highlights, my hair's just been going white since I was 15" usually got semi-gratifying results when people backpedaled like hell, but a lot of them also would then criticize me for not dying the white to hide it.

I was constantly trying to alter my style for my hair my entire life and I don't even like styling my hair, but it caused me no end of upset to hear these things. I figured I was always doomed to be miserable about my hair. My body is already sensitive as hell to so many things I can only use specific products on my hair safely, but it hurt that my mother and grandmother tried so hard to help me understand people did like my hair, when the comments I heard sounded like criticism and an insinuation that other people deserved my hair.

And then 2020's COVID lockdown meant I couldn't get my summer cut to shorten my hair so I wouldn't overheat. At least, the person I usually went to couldn't do my hair.

So between desperation to find a way to keep all the weight of thick, heat-trapping dark curls off my neck and shoulders, and the desire to try something new as a subtle means of better expressing my gender, I decided to try an undercut. My partner and I looked up photos for reference, used an electric razor that was typically reserved for his hair, and decided what to do. Several layers underneath in the back would have to be shaved off completely (more than we initially anticipated, believe it or not,) and I wanted the shave to come around my left side. Just shave the left half of my head, because for some reason heat would constantly get trapped there as well as at the back of my neck. (Dunno why that didn't happen the same way with my right side, but hey, we've established I'm pretty odd.)

It was a relief, both physically and in terms of gender euphoria when I looked in the mirror and heard my partner's loving exclamation of "oh! there you are!" And it was also a relief when my mother and grandmother loved my new hair, especially when my grandmother said "that suits you best of all. You should always keep your hair that way." (Grandma passed in February of this year, and she never wavered in her love of my new hairstyle.)

But then, it started happening. Not just with family, friends and coworkers, but random strangers, at least once a week, often more than once a week. Someone would come up to me and say "I LOVE your hair! It's so cool!" I'd never heard that before.

I have quickly learned an added benefit of the undercut is that, with the left side of my head being shaved, it's incredibly easy for people to realize that my hair IS naturally curly, and to see my white pattern where my hair is growing back in on that side. And I've gotten compliments on that too! Both people talking about how dynamic my curls make the undercut, and several others telling me that my white pattern is beautiful and they hope I never think to dye it.

It's slowed down a bit since then but it still happens every couple of weeks. A little while ago at work, a regular [teen] patient came in with her mom, who approached me to ask about my undercut because she (the mom) has been hesitant to let her child try an undercut, but on seeing my hair, she changed her mind and wanted to know about my experience. Said kid still doesn't have an undercut yet, but they've been changing up their hair and presenting more queer in their dress, and they've started shyly waving to me when they see me. And yesterday, during grocery shopping, as I was waiting for my partner to get back from grabbing something, an older lady slowed down, came over to me, and just said "Excuse me, pardon me, you just have the most beautiful hair. That style is so striking, and your curls are wonderful with it. That's all. I just wanted to tell you you have gorgeous hair" and then she left.

It's so strange how that impulsive choice to take a shot on a new style not only became something I love for me and my personal expression of self, but is the thing that finally, truly has brought me compliments on my hair for the first time in my life. Real compliments that make me feel good.

So I guess what I'm saying in this overly long ramble is 1: I'm forever grateful this has happened and is happening to me, 2: for anyone struggling with similar, this is a reassurance that things can and will get better, 3: change can be terrifying but this is a very good example of a drastic change that wasn't going to have harmful repercussions for me personally, and the fact it turned out so well is both a confidence- and courage-booster. It's worth taking a shot on, because so far it's brought me nothing but joy. Sure, it requires frequent maintenance to keep up with the shaving part because my hair grows fast, but it's a small price to pay for a cooler head (in more than one sense!) and the positive interactions that have resulted.

[barbthebuilder]

Hello hope you're having a good day!

I just wanted some advice on understanding if I'm nonbinary or genderfluid. I like wearing short shorts and looking feminine from time to time. I like wearing makeup and I like my reflection but it doesn't really seem like me. I don't know if I'm making sense right now so I'm gonna try to explain it better.

I like girls and when I look in the mirror I see someone that I'd be attracted to but I'm just not sure that it's me. I like looking pretty but I don't like being pretty. I'm also really confused about it.

I don't like identifying as a girl but I like being “girly”. I love getting my nails done, I love putting on mascara before going out, I love being someone's girlfriend but I don't like being seen as a girl.

I hate it when someone addresses me as a girl but sometimes I don't really mind and I'm not sure if its because I've been in the closet for so long or its because I'm actually genderfluid.

If you have any advice on how I can figure it out and what you think it could be I’d be really happy to hear your thoughts.

Also, I want to thank you for your blog it really makes me feel better about my identity.

Love ❤️❤️

First of all, sorry for taking this long to respond!! I had so much going on lately and I wanted to give the best advice I could.

I think we will start with identifying that is gender expression and what's gender identity.

Gender expression is someting external. It's how you choose to display yourself, express how you feel. Things that can be considered part of gender expression: painting your nails, having specific hairdo, your name, your body language, pronouns you go by, the way you speak, your voice, your clothes, jewelry etc.

Gender identity is how you want to be preceived by yourself and others. It is who you are. It's more internal.

You described you like being girly (gender expression) but you don't like being called a girl (gender identity). It's important to understand that those two things can exist and don't contradict each other. You can be a feminine man or a masucilne woman. Nothing weird about that.

You said you don't know whether you're genderfluid or you're just used to being called a girl. I would recommend trying to get in touch with your internal self. What do you feel when people call you a girl? Would you rather be called differently? How would you like to be preceived? You can check that every day and see if it changes. I recommend writing it down somewhere. If you want to get specific with your emotions I recommend emotion wheel - it's a really good tool for naming and specifying what you experience.

If you're afraid your parents are going to find yozur graph and question it you can make it a code. Be clever.

Rememer, that labels are for you. They serve to make your life easier so don't let the concept of labels make it harder. If something feels right, go for it. You don't have to perfectly allign with other people's experiences and you probably won't. Ask yourself - what label makes me happy? What presentation feels right?

Also, if you want to go deeper with the "like looking pretty, hate being pretty" bit you can do this trick: write down what are the differences between those two concepts. Which of them is internal? Which of them has to do with how others preceive you? Which of them has to do with your identity?

That's all I can think of to say for now. If you have any doubts, feel free to dm me or send another ask :) good luck on your journey. May the gender euphoria be upon ya <33

[mooncello]

Get to know me tag game 🍂

Thanks for the tags @drowninginships and @ileadacharmedlife!

Favorite color: obsessed with that golden yellow of candlelight. I can basically stare at fire all day and not get bored.

Last song: I've been digging 70s vibes synth stuff lately, so La femme d'argent by Air.

Currently reading: I just finished the Unwritten Rules series by KD Casey (baseball m/m romance let's goooo) and the Penalty Box series by Ari Baran. Next up: The Prospects by KT Hoffman and The Pairing by Casey McQuiston. Tons of manga, can't list them all (tho My Noisy Roommate is getting a special shout-out).

Currently watching: Baseball division series! ⚾️ NHL season just started, and I'm somehow watching hockey again after, like, two decades. It's entirely @fatalfangirl 's fault, and Shane and Ilya, and I'm not complaining.

Currently craving: gender euphoria, and in this exact moment maybe some peanut butter straight from the jar

Coffee or tea: nope, not choosing. I'm a both/and maximalist bro. (Sidenote: why the FUCK is the pumpkin creme cold brew from sbux so good??)

Hobby to try: I've had a pair of roller skates chilling in my closet for two years, and a coworker that plays roller derby. I won't go that hard but I wanna go skating. 🛼

Current AU: ok, so I'm like @valeffelees with my brain having 500 AUs running around my brain at any given moment. The ones in actual writing stage: DeNiall (my beloveds), dark weird Neverland, celebrity snowbaz. I've also got a lavashipping AU which is gonna crack 100k words soon. 😬

no pressure tags @best--dress @iamamythologicalcreature @artsyunderstudy @brilla-brilla-estrellita @monbons

@you-remind-me-of-the-babe @bookish-bogwitch @skeedelvee

[fr0zenballs]

Small Rant/Vent

Cw/Tw/Mentions: Genitals in a Nonsexual Manner + Gender and Species Dysforia

Aaghhhhh this is probably going to sound really weird but I genuinely think I would prefer to have a more realistic werewolf sheath (with or without a shaft nub I don't care) packer than I would a usual humanoid realistic packer.

I've been getting pretty bad bottom dysforia lately and one of the things that has been comforting me is calling my bottom growth my sheath and my tip because of the way it feels in my hands. And that makes me feel so much better because it makes me feel way more like a t-fueled werewolf that's growing his sheath in rather that a sad human with the wrong set of genitals (even though I am technically both a sad human and a happy werewolf).

Plus the idea of having more werewolf oriented genitals gives me both gender euphoria and species euphoria, as someone who is both transgender and a canine!!

But it's not like I'm saying that I wouldn't be over the moon with a typical packer!! Quite the opposite actually, the idea of having a normal penis is still very appealing to me, hence why I plan to get bottom surgery in the future ^_^

Sorry if this rant(vent?) was weird or offputting, I just really needed to get my thoughts out of my head!!

P.S: If anyone knows where I could get something like I described please let me know!!! I probably will end up making my own at some point but It'll take a lot of work and sewing on my part-

[abyssalzones]

Hey um. I'm not sure if you still draw that stuff because I just found your blog BUT ... your fiddauthor art and specifically like the consistent undertones of transness and gayness bring me a lot of very intense joy. Giddiness. Jovial whimsy if you will. Like idk how to describe it but the way you draw is just very cozy and comforting and FE E LS very queer-inforned with every stroke, idk if thats weird??? An d I love how your comics just REALLY emulate the gravity falls style of humor, like ford needing to learn "something about the soviet union" and the singular sock getting permanantly lost in the bottomless pit while everything else comes back up like. Stuff like that is so distinctly gravity falls and it also makes me cozy and happy. The way you write and represent fidds and fords relationship feels so tangible and realistic and also its all just. So cute. You really nail it. Thank you sm for sharing your art with us :') ❤️

Also the way you draw young fiddleford gives me gender euphoria

man thank you. I do still create gf/fiddauthor stuff quite a bit as, other than original work, that's the main thing I enjoy drawing, but I've actually been in a really terrible art rut lately so this was a very well timed message :] I suppose all of my art has trans and queer undertones due to... my Being transgender and queer/bisexual. I find art is cooler and more interesting if you are disgustingly indulgent with it, and gravity falls is a very good canvas for me in that respect.

I'm also glad to hear you think I'm good at emulating gravity falls' comedic style! I do make an active attempt at that with stuff like ad astra per aspera (my big ol' comic) but also I feel like a lot of it is subconscious... due to having seen the show more times than I can count... even if I have my own comedic style now I think even non-gf projects of mine in the future will probably feel a little influenced by it because of how foundational it was to my sense of humor and story writing as a whole. hopefully in a good way!

but yeah I will continue to make my weird transgender art about this show, probably for a very long time as it continues to make me happy :J and I'm always glad to hear it continues to make other people happy as well!

I'm just on art vacation right now. so stick around

[multiplicity-positivity]

I actually have afew questions, I hope you don't mind!

1)I just recently saw your post about Sophie and "tulpa" and other variants of the word being harmful. I was wondering if you could give me some other terms for tulpa/tulpamancy/tulpagenic/tulpamancer/etc, especially using the terms "Willow/willowgenic"!

2) I've felt less valid as a system because I have Aphantasia and I can't hear my headmates. We speak through opinions and emotions because that's the only way we can. Do you have any ways I can work on communication with my Dudes?

3) Lastly, I've been super confident lately! But when my male/masculine presenting Dudes are near front, their dysphoric emotions probect onto me. I was wondering if this was normal and if it had a name!

That's about all I have, if any of my questions step out of your boundaries/comfort zone I'm so so so sorry!

Have a lovely timezone!!! <3/p

we don’t mind, that’s what we’re here for :)

1) here are some other terms you can use besides “tulpamancy:”

parogenic/parogen

paro/paromancy/paromancer (this is what we use!)

thoughtform

willogenic/willomate/willomancy/willomancer (though we have seen issues with this term, as some paros (tulpas) were never willed into existence and function more like walk-ins)

2) communicating through emotions and opinions is totally fine - these are definitely valid ways of communicating, especially if it works well for your system.

we know aphantasia may complicate things, but we do have a post on establishing contact with headmates. you can check it out here. your system may benefit most from spending time working on external communication, and we have a section in that post on how to do just that.

3) we’re not sure if the phenomenon of experiencing another headmate’s dysphoria has a name, but we can definitely say that it is very common for headmates to feel the emotions of other members, especially if they’re blended or cofronting together. i know i get species dysphoria and sometimes our resident human alter will feel that dysphoria when we’re cofronting together, even if he still identifies as a human. our gender dysphoria and euphoria are all over the place, and it’s very normal in our system for us to feel each other’s emotions when we’re fronting together.

we hope this helps to answer some of your questions. thanks for reaching out :)

🐢 kip and 👻 ghost

[disko24x7]

self-discovery

[ cw - Sex mention (for a small side-joke) ]

I'll be honest, the idea of transitioning has been on my mind for the past few months...

I'm still hesitant about committing to transitioning - mainly because I can't tell if I actually have gender dysphoria or if it's simply just body dysphoria - but that hasn't stopped me from exploring this potential new avenue, giving it a prod from time-to-time to see if it sparks any euphoria within me.

So I've been working through my own Trans bucket list, from trying on clothes to participating in a local Pride March for the first time. Sometimes there's euphoria, sometimes there's none, but every little experience opens me up to new ideas/avenues to explore (even got some cute suggestions from fellow gals that I still need to try).

Even if it's all for naught, I've been having a wonderful time getting in-touch with my feminine side. I personally don't vibe with modern male culture (I'm not competitive, I don't give a hoot about "hustle grindset" or boasting about my fastest speedrun time in the %climax category) so getting to fully embrace my softer, more emotionally-driven side has been comforting (and sometimes, incredibly euphoric 💕)

Happy (faaar too late to the party) Pride Month ^^ 💖

[pochqmqri]

This weekend was Katsucon, and I had a really fun time hanging out with friends and wandering around.

I didn't cosplay since I had no real good ideas, so one friend told me that I should still "wear something cute," which gave me an idea.

Most of the people at the con are in costume, people of all different genders wearing various costumes. If I wore feminine clothing and presented myself as my actual gender, even for just a short bit, I won't have to worry about being judged.

Until now, I never really presented myself like this in public, so it was a bit nerve-wracking at first, but I'm glad I did. Rather than a sense of gender dysphoria, I felt moreso, euphoria, you could say. I wore two different outfits for two of the three days of the con. I would have done three, but my wig didn't come in until Friday afternoon.

I wish I could have shown off my full face more, but I'm extremely dysphoric about my facial structure, and while I have been on laser for several months now, there are still parts of my face that I'm conscious about at the moment.

This year marks about a decade since I came to the realization that I'm transgender. I haven't really made much progress for most of it, not coming out to many people publicly, almost getting outed to my parents in late 2017, and the pandemic making me slack on my physical appearance. But in the past year, I've started to make more progress. I hope to go out more like this soon!

[shirogane-oushirou]

AAAAAAAAAAA RO!!! BESTIE!!!! YOUR TAGS ARE DESTROYING ME RN /POS

I just had to send you an ask in response because oouughghghhhh... my feels... 🥺💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

I actually never realized how much I look like Java until I put our faces next to each other on that moodboard!!! The resemblance between us is so uncanny - but maybe that's why they've been giving me such good gender vibes lately ☺️ Amber resembles me quite a bit as well according to another friend, which is awesome to hear as an aspiring non-human shapeshifting critter!! Seriously, I'm so thrilled that you guys see it, too!! My gender euphoria levels shot THROUGH THE ROOF when you told me that...!!!

YOUR COMPLIMENTS ON MY PHOTO TOO... *SNIFF*... 😭🫂💖 I really love how my glasses look on me!! Last time I went to the optometrist, I tried to pick frames that I felt suited me, and that happened to take me into the men's section!! My mom was a bit confused by it, but those frames spoke to me right away 🥰 I didn't care that they were supposed to be frames for prescription sunglasses!! Besides, my lenses tint in the sunlight anyway so 😎✨️✨️✨️

I saw the tags you left on my art comm too, and I SO AGREE WITH YOU. I TOTALLY GET IT. I have a ton of Rockstar gifs and screenshots saved to a folder, and I adore the shit outta them all, but... ever since I discovered my guy's gender identity, if he doesn't have scruffy facial hair or a fuzzy chest patch, or those soft, hairy limbs... or his precious top surgery scars that he's so proud of?? He feels kinda like a different Cookie to me LOL

Basically, if he ain't hairy, transmasc or genderfluid, then he ain't my husband 😌💖✨️✨️ I think my version of him really suits the voice he has in C.R.K too!! A rough, rugged old man with passion and energy to spare, but who's finally starting to settle down a bit, too... he's not quitting the rock scene, not by a long shot - but he is a bit more inclined to blow things off and disappear if Java needs him (or if he misses them enough ☺️💖). He's an absolute menace in such a playful way, and I'm so attached to him, honestly... my handsome rock beauty 🥰💖💖💖💖

AAAAAAAAAAANYWAYS. This has been my involuntary Rockstar Supremacy ted talk!! Thank you for attending since you had no choice 🤣 /lh

And as always, I appreciate your tags and comments on my stuff!! I get so happy and flappy when I see that you rbed my stuff cuz I get to read all your awesome thoughts, hehe 🤗✨️

♡• @rockstars-babe •♡

NO IT'S SO REAL THO!!!! i pogged when i saw your face next to java's akjsndfkjnsf like?????? oh they're LITERALLY just reffie ok ok ok LMAO. and i can definitely see you in amber too!!!! idk i just feel like your s/is fit you so clearly despite having such drastically different designs, it's Wild!!!

god, i really need to take that approach when i start looking into getting new frames sometime soon ;;; that's such a nice way of thinking about it. like. if you're going to put that much investment into something you're expecting to wear for a number of years straight, may as well get some that are cool as shit KJNDFKJN and have the most comfortable vibes, gender be damned.

it's so odd, bc i've mostly known rockstar through you, and 90% of the time it's been CRK rockstar... but as soon as you really 'discovered' him, it's like a switch flipped ksjndf. it just fits him so well!! and i'd especially trust that view from someone who knows as much about him as you clearly do, from all of your talk about the new game >:)

and the voice thing!!!!! that's so odd too!!!!! when i was doing that "give me a series and i'll find an f/o" ask game, i listened to a couple of his voice lines for curiosity's sake. and his voice was like... it felt like it could grow on me, but his visual image and his voice were just a little... out of sync? if that makes sense? they weren't quite lining up w each other. but as SOON as you posed the topless comm of him i was like :0 OH. THIS IS WHO THAT VOICE BELONGS TO. JKNASFKJN.

i love reading your gushes about him; you have SUCH passion for him and for everyone who makes up your cookie family with and around him. 😭 it's why i like to really consider what i say in the tags; i want to match that energy! and it's why i look forward to when YOU rb stuff!!! you put just as much passion into appreciating everyone else's ships!! you just have so much passion in general and it's something i admire about you 🥺🥺🥺

(though i would 100% be behind if you decided to not pressure yourself so much KJNSDKFJN ;; you're dealing with so much outside of selfshipping, and you should feel able to come on here and Just Chill without feeling like you have to put 200% effort into replies and tags ;w; )

[youredoingkinwrong]

Hey, I'm currently questioning as fictionkin. The thing is, I am a very very nonspiritual person--I don't believe I was this character in a past life or anything. Whatever sort of attachment or relationship I have, I blame as being the result of trauma and neurodivergence. Most fictionkin stuff I can find resources on are for the more spiritual side of things, so I wasn't sure where to turn for this advice.

(That being said, I think the spiritual explanation is perfectly valid--just as I won't argue with religious beliefs as an atheist, I won't force alternatives upon that side!)

I hope you can help despite that, since I've been having trouble finding active blogs for answering these questions. If you could point me to any other blogs, I'd appreciate it.

I don't believe that I am somehow this character in a literal or spiritual way. She's more like a part of myself instead of the entirety of me, but much more so than just a comfort character would be. (Not sure how well I explained that? But because I default to a scientific reason, I know I'm not the type to embrace fully believing I am her.)

My girlfriend is a fictive of a character shipped with the character I think I kin, but wasn't originally a fictive--she thinks she may have become a fictive in the same way that I came to kin this character.

In fact, some of the fictives in my gf's system describe their relationships to their canon much more similarly to how I feel about this character than a lot of fictionkin resources I can find describe it. I am 100% certain I am a singlet, however, and so I know that that isn't the explanation.

Things that make me thing that I may be fictionkin:

I sometimes have memories of the character from her point of view, which are frequently distressing (intrusive thoughts related to her trauma, that sort of thing).

On several occasions, I forgot I wasn't her (I woke up thinking "wow, I went through that and it didn't hurt me as much as in this fanfic about her that I wrote," then remembered I didn't actually go through it; similar things a few times while fully awake sometimes).

I get a similar sort of euphoria to cosplaying her that I do from gender euphoria, feeling like it's more right than whatever I usually wear.

I go by her name at times.

I know I'm not voluntarily choosing to do this--why would I want a fictional character's trauma on top of my own?

It is definitely more significant than the "heavily relating to her/identifying with instead of as" thing that the word "kin" is frequently misused for.

Sorry for the long ask, I've just been thinking about this a lot lately. Do you have any thoughts one way or the other?

-- Lore

(signing in case you have anything further you'd like me to clarify in another ask)

Hello Lore,

While I am comfortable in my identity as a spiritually-identifying fictionkin, I heartily support all psychological 'kin, so I hope I will be able to be of some help to you.

Psychologically-identifying 'kin simply have a different reasoning for their identities. You can absolutely say you are 'kin with a character for reasons other than spiritual ones. It's just one explanation of many, and though it is perhaps the most popular explanation, it is by no means the only one.

What you want to do with that identity is up to you. If you want to call yourself fictionkin, you are more than welcome to. If you don't, that's fine too. It really is up to you, since it's your life that's being lived. The only really thoughts or notes I have for you are that you would not be the first person to potentially identify as a fictional character for non-spiritual reasons, and you would not be the last. And that you are of course welcome to be whoever you are.

[ugw-dead]

"GENDER EUPHORIA: a powerful feeling of happiness experienced as a result of moving away from one’s birth-assigned gender."

-Laura Kate Dale

I woke up earlier than usual, and actually go out of bed. Like every day, I started off my morning with a heroicly large bong hit. I mean, who doesn't? This ended in a coughing fit, and getting way more high then intended. But, it also ended in me spending close to 20 minutes just staring at myself in the bathroom mirror. I've struggled a lot with my body image lately. New meds made me gain weight, and it's not something I've ever been used to. I struggle with an ED, on and off purging, restrictive eating, all the really fun stuff (sarcasm). But something about this particular morning, and the way the weed hit juuuust right, had me really feeling myself. I was feeling affirmed in how I look, both in general, and as a queer person (not that you need to -look- a certain way to be queer, but I am no stranger to gender dysphoria). It was a very euphoric moment for me, for sure. So here's this really poorly shot photo I took in the bathroom mirror, when I was so high I thought it might be the end for me.

[punalippulaiva]

I've been thinking a lot about my gender recently and I thought I would finally try to put them to words.

I was assigned male at birth, I have the matching genitalia and for almost my entirely life I have grudgingly accepted being a cis male (excepting for brief period in my late teens when I identified as what would be today be labeled non-binary). But it's never felt quite right.

I've never experience any kind of body dysphoria – at least not related to gender, impossible beauty standards are a different matter – and today I'm very comfortable with my quite masculine body. That said, I have never experienced gender euphoria either.

And of course, a lot of what gender is and isn't is about culture. Men are expected to like, enjoy and be interested in certain things – be it cars or beer or military history – and the vast majority of these things are such that I am either indifferent to them or actively dislike them. I have my "acting like a cis guy mongst cis guys" mode that allows me to fake it amongst cis men to a degree, but for the most part I am simply failing in the performance of masculinity.

For official purposes like passports or what my kid calls me yes, but whenever there's a registration form or a quiz asking for my gender I pretty automatically choose the "other" option if there is one. And of course I have also thought about "what if I am actually a trans woman and I haven't realised it yet?" (including taking a bit of time to reflect on that while writing this)... but that feels not-right just as being a cis man feels not-right.

A while back I did a "what your gender identity is?" type of quiz and I scored something like 75% on agender, with cis being the only other notable result and... I guess that has a point... but I don't identify as agender either. And of course, I have looked into things like demiguy as a gender but, again, not me. Every label I encounter feels like it has a bit of truth to it, but none of them feel like the whole truth.

If gender is a performance, then I am a man, albeit one who often fails in the performance of masculinity. But if gender is something you feel inside, I'm a nagging feeling of not knowing what you are. "Top" and "masc" are the only meaningful gender-adjacent labels I feel 100% onboard with.

This has been the nocturnal gender ramble that I needed to get out of my system. I'm not sure if it brought me any closer to understanding myself but... at least it's good to reflect from time to time.

[your-bigender-big-brother]

I have a question about labels and figuring out which one is most fitting for me... I haven't used tumblr in almost a decade till a couple weeks ago, and after being gone so long I have no idea who to ask... I hope I'm not asking something you arent comfortable with, or anything like that!

But like, I dont know anyone who presents the way I do, and I have no idea what I actually am. I've been using genderfluid for a few years, and only cuz it's basically the only one I was familiar with at the time.

I basically spend a couple weeks fem, then a couple weeks masc. And I dont have really any community to spend time with, so I get all my euphoria from dressing super fem or super masc depending, and switching my pronouns and name even.

Um, sorry if this is kinda outta nowhere ir isnt something you feel like you can answer! Just looking for any advice I can.

Sorry for the late response! Lots going on this month.

I'm comfortable with answering any sort of ask, so you never have to worry about that at all! /gen

If genderfluid isn't the label for you and you're unsure otherwise, I suggest that you find communities online that you can get involved with. It really helps to be around those who might share your experiences. You can learn a lot about yourself by learning about others, and they may be able to point you in the right direction if your goal is to find terminology that fits your gender.

Otherwise, take comfort in the fact that not knowing simply leaves room for a lot of exploration. I don't think it's as fun when we have all the answers and don't have to question anything. - 💙💚