#I'm very unequipped to talk about myself

[beevean]

(1/2) Unpopular opinion: While it is a problem, as seen with so many villains being woobified and others being stripped of their edges, I think the criticism about judging characters by whether they're likable is only one half of the scale, since you have characters like Lanolin being praised SPECIFICALLY for being an unpleasant asshole with no other traits on the basis of "we need more cynicism uwu, you just can't handle a woman being real and honest uwu".

(2/2) And that's not even going into other current year female characters who are written similarly and for similar reasons, or the continuing trend of derailing idealistic characters because the writers consider them boring or unrealistic. Bad or contradictory character writing comes in all shapes and sizes, and I fear that Tumblr's focusing solely on just the one type could lead future writers to learn the wrong lessons, and instead triple down on OTHER bad writing pitfalls via overcorrection.

I think it's all a matter of trends coming and going.

Sonic is a good time capsule. At first, Eggman was the main villain, the only villain even not counting minor spinoffs, and he was always depicted as a goofy guy who nonetheless could be a serious threat. As we all know, the very name was considered too silly for the Western audience of the time, so he got renamed Robotnik and given an edgier redesign in cartoons.

Then come the 2000s, and Eggman isn't good anymore. He's too goofy, too stale. We moved onto cataclismic gods, whose appeal was how scary and dangerous they were, with little to no funny qualities (intentionally ofc). This is also the era where Sonic, the quintessential '90s mascot, was unofficially replaced by 2000s mascot Shadow.

2010s, we're going back to appreciating the Classics, Eggman is once again the star of the show and the series takes again a lighter tone, in hopes of recapturing the series' lost magic. (Sonic was far from being the only one, shout out to Mega Man 9 ofc)

And now the 2000s are en vogue again, but with a distinct nostalgic "hey remember when we were cool?" flavor, and the desire to have "deeper" stories - this is where IDW and its pseudo-moral dilemmas thrive. On top of that, fandoms have become more... socially aware, let's say, and they grew tired of the tired old sexist tropes, so now it's time for new sexist tropes! Such as the tough, no-nonsense, harsh #girlboss who is just as good as any man, and if you dislike her then you are just sexist! "you can't even handle [insert mildly controversial female character]" and all that. Before, women were only "good" if cute and demure, while now, women are only "good" if they're aggressive and strong in combat.

We got used to the idea that the best characters are the "morally grey" ones. Asshole heroes, woobie villains. Soft, cute men and brash women. And these characters are absolutely allowed to exist, but in the worst cases the "subversion" is the only appeal, and they simply lack charisma. Presence, style, a reason to root for them that goes beyond their tragic past. I don't care about Lanolin's potential trauma being conveyed in an unsympathetic way that might be #relatable to some if she's as interesting as a rock and her only purpose in the plot is being frustrating.

I find myself a bit unequipped to talk about this, but I'm reminded of this very good video from Mr. Enter comparing the OG Fairly Oddparents with A New Wish, and how trends have changed in 20 years:

Two points jumped to me: the difference between Timmy being "the average kid" and Hazel having her own unique quirks, and the infamous meanspiritedness of the OG show that was all but retconned in ANW, because we generally grew tired of it and no longer find it a joke.

[bright-eyed]

.

So I was freaking out the other night because i had like an awkward 30 minute conversation at the bar with my favorite old professor. She told me that i was a good writer, and asked me why i wasn’t writing. I was just like “idk, i’m watching youtube.” (I didn’t exactly say it like that, but basically.) Then she was like “why are you doing that?” and i didn’t know why.

I felt so overcome with guilt/shame/regret. But also i felt like a piece of shit because idk how i will ever be able to make myself change or overcome this fear of failure/ego death and do better with my life. It’s stopped me from trying for so much of what i want since i was like a little kid—and the thought of not being able to stop myself from giving up before i even start makes me viscerally hate myself… I feel immature and weak for finding it so difficult to do anything more than what I’m already doing. And I hate where I am! And i know i could do other things and be much happier.

But I also know I should probably give myself grace because for years I was working my way out of deep depression, and i did it on my own, and that was its own accomplishment even if it might mean I’m a little behind on accomplishing like ambitions or dreams. I guess? For so long i just had to be focused on not dying or blowing up my own life that i couldn’t focus on that, and i guess i’m still in the mindset of assuming it’s impossible to do more than get through the day, or at least im not practiced in that.

But i’m so phenomenally frustrated with myself that it makes me feel sick and trapped in my own body. The entire world is weighing down on me—all of the things I feel like i need to do and be, all at once, all the time. It feels like I am utterly unequipped to have dreams, so instead of me fulfilling my dreams, they haunt me instead

I guess part of me also resents that i never had any real support. When i was talking about how i only ever really applied to one college, and only did that because it had an easy and cheap application process, Professor asked me why my parents never pushed me to apply for more—she seems to be under the very mistaken impression that i could have gotten into a lot of colleges—and i just told her they just didn’t really involve themselves in my life very much, especially when i was a teenager. Until I said that I’d never even realized that it might be weird for your parents to not push you to apply for colleges, or even really know anything about your life or school experience or ambitions or anything. I just got so angry

And that feels like such a big thing that i’ve had this huge blind spot for this whole time, like why didn’t (and don’t) my parents care ? Where would i be if they had (or did)? Would i feel more empowered and confident enough to try new things, or was i just born weaker than most people? Will i ever know?

What if im not inherently this way but i still can’t undo the damage years of failing and being failed has done to me? Does it even matter if i’m not doomed by nature if i never manage to escape it anyway?

I started writing this post the other night and then ended up talking to my best friend on the phone for two hours which helped. But I'm going to need to transform this frustration with myself into action sooner rather than later because I can't keep living like this and I know on some level it would be so easy to. You know how the time will pass anyways.

Thinking about how much time ive already lost and how much time i might or might not have left to lose makes me feel already halfway dead. I know this resembles a grave but isn’t, but i might stay here long enough to make it one. I keep misstepping back into it. I keep crawling back in and pulling the lid back over to block out the light because I can’t bear it I feel like this is turning too poetic but i can’t explain how i feel in anything but images i guess. I just wish I could be different without having to do the work to change because I don’t trust myself to change. I wish I could be perfect because it’s the only way I feel like I’ll be okay. It’s dumb but idk that’s how I feel

[isfjmel-phleg]

August 2023 Books

The Unselected Journals of Emma M. Lion Vol. 1-6 by Beth Brower

Although I had to fight myself a bit to ignore anachronisms, I did enjoy these! The earlier ones more than the later ones, but I will definitely be continuing this series as more come out.

And I know it's setting us up to ship, but am I horrible for thinking that none of Emma's potential suitors are a good fit

Towers in the Mist by Elizabeth Goudge

I normally like most of Goudge's books, but I regret I had a hard time getting through this one. As ever, the prose was lovely, but I struggled to get invested in the characters.

Deep Secret by Diana Wynne Jones

I liked this one on the whole, but it took me forever to finish for some reason! I've started the sequel and am finding that it's more approachable, or maybe I'm just reading it at a better time.

Father's Arcane Daughter by E. L. Konigsburg (reread)

This is a bizarre book, but I love it and keep coming back to it. The characters may not be easy to like, but what's behind it is evident, and the emotion very poignant. There's also a TV film adaptation (titled Caroline? and it's free to stream in a few places) that's pretty close to the book and well-done.

Beyond Authority and Submission: Women and Men in Marriage, Church, and Society by Rachel Green Miller

I don't read a lot of books like this, but someone around here recommended it, and I've been struggling for a while with this issue, so I picked it up. Miller makes a lot of good points and I really appreciated what she had to say (and wish I could share this perspective with some churches I'm familiar with).

The Aviary by Kathleen O'Dell (reread)

The initial setup and atmosphere of the book are great, but I regret that I didn't enjoy this one as much on the reread and probably won't be visiting it again.

The Edge of In Between by Lorelai Savaryn (reread)

I reread this one as a refresher while researching the TSG paper and was able to put more of a finger on why this one doesn't work for me, either as a story or as a retelling. It's not just that Savaryn completely changes the themes and focus of the story she's retelling, but the result is heavy-handedly allegorical. Reminders that This Is A Metaphor For Grief are everywhere. Characters feel less like living humans than representations of things. They're oddly self-aware of their problems and all their causes and there's a lot of talking like a grief counseling session rather than ordinary people. It feels like A Message that happens to have a story rather than the other way around. Even in a middle-grade book, there should still be room for the reader to independently think about and analyze the themes rather than have everything spelled out, and I didn't get much of that here.

Wintle's Wonders, Circus Shoes, and White Boots by Noel Streatfeild (reread)

I was in a shoes reread mood, and a bit curious if the British editions (as two of these are) differed significantly from the American editions. White Boots seemed pretty similar to Skating Shoes, but Wintle's Wonders has a noticeable amount of material that's cut from Dancing Shoes. Mostly details that flesh out the world and characters a bit more, but there's also a conversation between Rachel and her uncle about her late father (his brother) that furthers their bond and should have been left in.

I love Streatfeild's protagonists. A lot. Even though most of them are unusually talented in the arts or a sport, they feel very real. Rachel Lennox is important to me because she's a very rare thing: a quiet, shy, bookish fictional heroine who isn't also perfectly nice and sweet but angry and frustrated and understandable for it even when she's mistaken and it's relatable. I want to protect poor exploited child-celebrity-in-the-making Lalla, despite her occasional obnoxiousness. And Peter and Santa's weird isolated upbringing that leaves them unequipped to handle the real world...strikes a chord, even if the way Streatfeild plays out their arcs doesn't always work for me.

Also apparently circuses in the late 1930s did have whole families of performers who lived and traveled with the shows, if the portrait that Streatfeild offers of that life is accurate. It lends a bit of surprising plausibility to the background of a certain famous fictional circus child who debuted in 1940.

Speaking of which...I've read a lot of comics in the last few weeks.

Damage (1994)

A rather obscure series that didn't get to live up to its potential because of an early cancellation. It's got its share of clichés (like a girl whose personality is basically "love interest" and who gets fridged) and dated stuff, but Grant is a compelling character who's worth reading the series for.

Various issues of New Titans

I was just here for pre-Alabama Bart and Grant. No idea what's going on with anyone else, but these boys were robbed of a promising friendship.

Titans (1999) #1-19 plus a few others

I was mostly here for a continuation of Grant's story after he got stuck in canceled-book limbo, but I also got sucked into all the Drama with the five original Titans, who are all on the team when the book begins. There's not a lot of Grant, but what's there is well done. Some weird elements in this series, and some plotlines I didn't love, but I appreciate the overall character-focused approach.

Jason's (re)introduction in Batman, A Death in the Family, and Under the Hood

I knew the gist of all this already but actually reading it all...yikes. Sad about this forever.

Superman: Last Son and The Third Kryptonian

I want to be familiar with all the kids in the superfam, which means I need to meet Chris. More of these to come. So far there hasn't been much done with his character. But he meets Tim at one point and they have some cute interactions, which I appreciated.

The stories that focus on the action aren't so much my thing, but I like that sometimes the series slows down to allow the characters to take a breather and bond. There's an issue that's just the family going to a beautiful other world/dimension to have a picnic and chat...and that's basically all that happens, and it's refreshing.

The Life Story of the Flash

Silver Age comics were wild. What even were some of those storylines. But the narrative does its best to ground the mythos's established ridiculousness in the humanity of the characters, which works.

Why don't we have any adaptations that give us this book's characterization of Barry? He's analytical, methodical, scientifically-minded, and a neat freak. He proudly wears bow ties, a crew cut, and a pocket protector. He's a certified Iowa boy and a comics nerd. He doesn't want a reporter to take his picture after he solves a case at his civilian job because he isn't the story. He considers himself boring and when his girlfriend tells him she finds his analytical mind attractive he coughs an entire lemonade through his nose. He's late to everything except the time he shows up five minutes early to a date because he's going to propose (on top of a Ferris wheel, no less). Bless his heart. Very different from the reckless, hyperactive speedsters who would succeed him, and the tension between his temperament and his powers is a fascinating contrast. The recent TV series was sleeping on some excellent material to work with.

[antiquery]

I’ve been a longtime mutual of yours, but I can’t keep following you after the article you reblogged. Perhaps it’s an odd stance to take, that one article would lead me to unfollow, but I’d encourage you to think about the way that article denigrates the path to Palestinian liberation and assumes some kind of equal responsibility to being civilized and polite in the face of genocide. Conversations have never ever stopped colonialism from its violent occupation of the global South, and I find the tone of the article quite callous. “The Palestinian case for self-determination—like any stateless people—is bulletproof, even if Palestinians themselves are not.” Don’t you find this to be a cruel, callous statement? Why is the two state solution propped up as the most civilized and practical decision when an active genocide is happening, when real estate sales are occurring for Gazan land? Moreover, his article is inaccurate: I’d encourage you to look at the Intercept article interrogating the NYT’s claims of sexual violence. I hope you don’t see this as an attack, but I couldn’t stop myself from sending this ask as someone who really respected your opinions.

so, a couple things. first, John Aziz, the author of the article, is a Palestinian expat, and in that context I don't find his phrasing at all callous. I don't particularly care to tone police someone writing about his own oppression, and moreover everything else in that article (and everything else he's written) makes it clear that he cares pretty deeply about the conflict, dark puns or no.

second, I did read that Intercept article when it came out (here if you're curious, and here is the NYT article it's responding to). though I didn't find it particularly damning (especially given that that publication's reporting on the war in Ukraine has been…dubious at best, I'm not inclined to give them much benefit of the doubt), what interested me in Aziz's piece was that his argument isn't a moral one-- it doesn't actually matter what happened on October 7, if we're talking about how well violence has served the Palestinian cause. the fact of the matter is that Israel is a wealthy nation with well-developed state capacity, and the Palestinian territories are brutally impoverished, fragmented, under-resourced, and just generally completely unequipped to face a hostile power period, much less one with Israel's capabilities. if there is a pitched us-or-them fight between the two, Israel will win and it won't be particularly close-- if for no other reason than the fact that Israel is a nuclear power, and Palestine is not. this isn't a moral judgement, a state being powerful certainly does not make it good, but anyone seriously interested in Palestinian statehood has to contend with the facts on the ground.

given that, Aziz's argument is that any violent Palestinian offensive is doomed not only to fail, but to leave the prospect of a Palestinian state in a worse spot than before. Israel will retaliate and destroy large fractions of what paltry state capacity the territories have, immiserate the population, and when pressed by the international community point to the fact that they were attacked first and you can't very well expect them to make peace with people who have demonstrated that they are not interested in peace. then, they will impose harsher restrictions on the territories, probably causing thousands more deaths in addition to the toll of the military offensive, and create conditions that radicalize the population and set them up to launch another disastrous attack in coming years. this will happen even if the attack in question is a disciplined military action that targets only combatants and follows the rules of war to a T; if the attack is anything else, it will only worsen the severity of the retaliation.

is this "right" in some absolute sense? I don't think so; Israel is a powerful state and to some extent it's their responsibility to deal fairly with what is essentially a stateless population under their sovereign authority, regardless of their worries about what that stateless population might do. they demonstrably have not done that! but "fairness" has little to nothing to do with effectiveness, and Aziz's point is that the morality of violent resistance is at the end of the day a distraction from the fact that violent resistance has been a disaster for Palestinians. Sam Kriss has an excellent piece on the same subject, and he puts it far better than I can:

Whoever’s saying it, the fact remains that there is no military path to a free Palestine. This fact is inconvenient and unfair and doesn’t leave much room for the optimism of the will, but that doesn’t make it any less true, and if you think there’s an exemption from unfair truths that’s awarded to especially just causes then you are wrong. Israel has nuclear weapons: it will not be overthrown with small arms and explosives. I don’t think I have the right to condemn violent resistance altogether—but I can reject violent resistance that’s doomed to fail, that achieves nothing and produces nothing except violence for its own sake. Hamas and Palestinian Islamic Jihad claim to be fighting for an Islamic republic, in which Jews will be free to live peacefully as long as they don’t dispute the sovereignty of Islam. The PFLP claims to be fighting a revolutionary people’s war for a liberated workers’ state. Their critics say that both are actually fighting for an unlimited genocide, the death of every single Jew in Israel. But what difference does it make? This is all make-believe! None of it matters, because none of it is ever actually going to happen! They’re not fighting for anything at all. They’re just fighting.

I've had a number of arguments with friends about my general utilitarian bent, especially when applied to politics. when Dobbs came down there was, briefly, talk about getting Congress to pass a national abortion ban at 15 weeks-- maybe with exceptions for rape and incest, but maybe not. no bans from heartbeat or from conception, but no blue state 20-something week limits either. I was strongly in favor of this. why would I want something so manifestly unfair, something that would almost certainly cost innocent women their lives and their freedom? because the alternative was worse. yes, I supported a sexist proposal; my hands are not clean. who cares? I have no interest in ideological purity or judging political decisions in any terms other than the lives and welfare of human beings. being "right" means nothing; being "fair" is pointless. the only question worth asking is what is the best action to take now.

[iri-vail]

Some mdzs novel thoughts, under a cut because it's mostly rambling.

I'm currently reading the fall of Lotus Pier chapters and man, I'm just so fond of Jiang Cheng. It was bad in the show, but the way he is just completely, utterly unequipped to deal with anything that is happening to him in these chapters is heart-wrenching. I love how he goes from furious to empty to furious to empty, how he goes from blaming Wei Wuxian to knowing that it's unfair, back to blaming him. How he's completely dissociating, and how he keeps looking back at Lotus Pier as they start towards Meishan. I love that he (as a character) is allowed to react in ways that are neither rational nor directly beneficial to the plot. I am so fond of him it's unreal. The emotional breakdown, the drama of it all. I wouldn't be normal ever again after all that either.

On another note, I've been finding it kind of hard to connect to Wei Wuxian and these chapters have finally made it obvious that he is just so good at compartmentalizing that even you as the reader never really get a clear look into his emotions until he literally can't keep them in anymore - not allowing himself to look for Jiang Fengmian's and Yu Ziyuan's bodies among the others; managing to keep putting one foot forward until breaking down in anger while chasing after Jiang Cheng back to Lotus Pier. Until now, I found him funny and likeable enough, but I was also really annoyed with him, because I am allergic to characters who are always above everything and always know everything. I get the feeling he'll be struggling some more soon though lol.

Back to Jiang Cheng though because I really can't help myself: In the previous two novels, I got the feeling that MXTX really... didn't care that much about him as a character? Like, he's there in most scenes, but I never got the feeling the narrative was overly invested in presenting him as anything other than "guy who's always there and says a mean thing every now" and then or "guy who mxy!Wei Wuxian keeps talking about even if there's zero reason to". Starting to suspect that's also due to the novel being narrated by Wei Wuxian because to him, Jiang Cheng is just the guy who's always with him (in the past) or the guy he is putting conscious effort into avoiding (in the present). In the past, this obviously changes as Lotus Pier falls and their (up until this point seemingly pretty settled and secure) relationship gets tested. Don't know whether this was the intention but I think it's neat, I hope he'll get some more focus now. I am so looking forward to the time frame after Sunshot where Wei Wuxian is still going to banquets with him because that little glimpse we got during the Nie Mingjue empathy sequence was delicious. That confrontation with Jin Zixuan? They are so clearly both a mess.

One last thought: Madame Yu slaps in the novel. I'm sorry she's clearly awful most of the time but wiping off her hands after slapping Wang Lingjao?? Queen shit, get her ass. I can't believe there is such a persistent fanon that Madame Yu actually pressured Jiang Fengmian into marriage herself. Really, we're trusting Wang Lingjao on this? When the narrative said it was her clan who pushed the negotiations and she clearly very intentionally kept her maiden name? Okay.

[naranjapetrificada]

The timing of this poll popping up on my dash is really interesting because in our last session, my therapist asked if I would be okay sending him some of my ofmd fanfic.

For context, this isn't an entirely left-field request for him to make. First and foremost, he has every reason to delve into my relationship with media that effects me, and specifically about writing, because of my history.

I have an incredibly fraught relationship with creative writing thanks to the decades I spent convinced I "had" to do it because I had a "gift" (read: I was regularly told this in so many words and I have strong language skills).

I coasted my way through writing in undergrad and predictably hit a wall when I tried and failed to complete an MFA, after which I spent a few years barely able to read much less write.

More than once in my life when I've struggled to explain myself or something I was feeling, I've literally gone over to my bookshelf to show whoever I was talking to a highlighted passage that said the things I couldn't.

Since I started the show, we've been talking at length about the effects it and its fanworks have had on me, the questions that have come up, the useful examples it has provided, the role of narrative in our lives and how we live them, etc.

He has experience with creative therapy modalities, though that's not been what we've done in the years I've been seeing him.

I made a point to mention once that I've had conversations with other people who write fic (inside and outside this fandom) about how reading and writing it has been a useful way for them to process their emotions and trauma in ways they find engaging.

I can see how in his situation he would be curious, but because the question came up towards the end of the session we didn't really have time to get into it. Specifically why, although because we've also talked about struggling to identify concepts that are hard to name, I suspect he thinks it might reveal something useful for the work we're doing.

I'm not ashamed of the meager contributions I've made to this fandom. There's no plot to speak of in either because I'm allergic to plot. They're strings of images inspired by a specific image that popped into my head, with the absolute minimum amount of connective tissue required to prop them upright. And that's fine, because thankfully the genre conventions of fanfic allow these things to work because well-executed fan works don't require plot to draw readers in and have meaning for those readers. The very "I love _________ and want more of it" motivation to seek out fanworks gives us a space for creativity with different rules than we might be used to and allows people who otherwise wouldn't to enjoy and benefit from being creative.

A few months into my MFA program I finally admitted to myself that I should be writing poetry instead if trying to make fiction work, but at the time I didn't have the emotional fortitude to write good poetry, which would have required the years of therapy I didn't have at the time to face everything that would come up. Not that fiction isn't emotionally demanding of course, but as unequipped as I was to deal with the things fiction would require of me, I was even less interested then. But even with all this in mind I don't think my therapist will find what he's looking for in my writing for a lot of reasons.

First, I don't feel like I necessarily "put myself" into anything I write, at least not in that sort of simplistic psychoanalytic way that's assumed. While of course you still manage to tell on yourself in certain ways based on what you say (or don't say) in any context, I literally don't think my fics will help him much there. The first one was the world's mildest reunion smut born out of a specific image, with a first draft completed in one sitting. The second one is a "character study" I guess, born from another image that may have been especially inspiring because writing it (again in one go) allowed me to put off something else that I very much did not want to be doing that day. In both cases, revisions and getting them posted too less than 24 hours after the initial draft.

Let's also look at the animus behind writing fic. Like there are loads of reasons to do it, but with me the experience has always meant being struck by an image writing it down so I don't lose it, and following it down its desired path to see what else comes up. I wrote what I wanted, how I wanted, and experienced some creative satisfaction in doing so. It's been an outlet in some ways, but that's just as true of other things I do sometimes like streaming games or even like fucking exercising.

Were I to decide to share any of it it wouldn't be like linking my ao3 account or whatever, which to be clear isn't what he was even asking. He'll respect that I don't want to share them, and we'll discuss what he was hoping to learn when we meet again this week. I was definitely thrown by the initial request, but beyond all the privacy and ethics stuff, it just doesn't feel like it would be a good use of anyone's time?

Tbh if anything is gonna come from this request it will likely be a) talking in detail about the fics I've read that have profoundly effected me to identify the stuff it brings up or b) him urging me to try poetry. Which like, okay, the thing you don't want to do for the reasons I can feel in my gut that I don't want to write poetry can often be the very thing you absolutely need to do, but ugggggh. That's the hypothetical conversation I'm dreading more than anything else to do with this.

[suckerx]

2023 was the most intense year I've experienced and I acted like everything was fine infront of everyone else.

It started when I felt abandoned because of the way I behaved out of self loathe. Why can't they be there for me like I was for them? They tried but they got tired. Just because I processed pain slower than the rest, I was left behind and everyone else ran out of patience. Being negative will eventually land you into spreading negative energy, being in a toxic environment will eventually poison you. TLDR, it did.

I made an enemy at work. People who has never met me in person were gossiping about me - for the way I dressed, for my grooming, for my "personality". My photos and videos were circulated amongst people who I haven't spoken to, who barely knows me. What did I do? Nothing. Treated it like white noise. Blamed it on the industry.

I just started a career where I thought I could finally break the ceiling with. Hope. It consumed me. I wanted to be liked, that's the only way to make it, or so I thought. I had no one teaching me what to do, had to figure myself. In the medical industry where terms are foreign language, everyone important disregarded me and thought I was a bimbo. I was. Nurses and receptionists shouted at me, even if they didn't, they gave me a look that I wasn't welcomed. I was thrown out of my first solo OR case. Surgeons didn't give me any time of the day, even if they did, I was told that I was unequipped. So I studied. Slowly I picked up the ropes, saw some progress but the journey was interrupted because of how many eyes were on me and I was always told that I doing something wrong. Eventually the rumours from people who I've never crossed paths with led to my boss. A video of mine was sent with a snarky comment of "You hired someone like that?" I eventually got fired in April just when things were just picking up. I was ridiculed by that enemy in my face. However, this termination of work was merely on the papers, I could work in secret so long as my enemy in my company doesn't know. Everyone else in the company thought I would have left to better companies where politics weren't against me. I lied to all of them saying I've sent countless of resumes out. I applied to none. I barely even looked. I had 1 goal in mind, to prove that I was worthy. Sales were picking up.

This was also the time where help was offered to me. I did bend my ways to get whatever help I could get. I had nothing else to lose, I started being myself. "What's the worst that could happen, what, I'm going to get fired?" Eventually, sales picked up. I forged great relationships with surgeons and nurses, I could see that the very eyes that were once disdained became respect, some even excitement. I even made my biggest competitor a best friend at work. He taught me more than my mentors, my boss did. He even gave me leads. I gave them what they wanted in exchange for what I wanted. People in the industry were talking about my product that I launched from the scratch - "you're going to be the next big thing" "you have so much future here" - Little did they know that I am a 'mistress at work' (working in secret, that once I'm caught, this is done) I was robbed of opportunities because I couldn't attend conferences and be seen in public. I enjoyed work here back then - I attained the salary I've dreamt of, I created a community amongst my competitors. Eventually, I did so well that I was being rehired. On papers.

It was a huge pat on the back. But was I happy? No. I hated myself. I did things out of self loathe. I wanted to be chosen so badly. I fell for someone mid year but he led me on more than he should have. I got over it after because I didn't want to break the rules - don't eat where you shit. The same offer was presented by someone else and I took it, out of self hatred. I broke it.

Fast forward, I still wasn't chosen.

I also haven't gotten remunerated fully.

[keefwho]

October 11 - 2023 Wednesday

2:21pm

Oopsie, remembered some minor trauma and realized it's wider implication. My dad and brother used to do this thing where individually they would man handle me and pin me down, sitting on top of me restricting my legs so they could tickle me. It was supposed to be some good old fashioned simple parent-child playful bonding but I deeply hated it. I didn't like being tickled and having my legs unable to move really freaked me out. I'd always end up crying and running to my room when they did it but they would still do it every now and then. If I didn't cry then it would ruin my mood and I'd verbally shut down before going to my room. Even thinking about it now hurts because it doesn't seem like a big deal but I'm remembering just how awful it was to experience. It was definitely a huge violation of my boundaries, maybe not the first time but all the times after when it was clear I didn't like it.

Naturally I'm also thinking about when Rousso visited and how terribly it went. I think about this a lot, usually when I remember unrelated bad past experience because this event is the most recent. I think I keep wanting a resolution to the entire situation or I wish I could somehow undo all the pain we both experienced from it but the fact is I can't. It happened for well understood reasons. I can't beat myself up about it either because I was never acting out of malice. I was completely unequipped not just for the meetup but everything that happened. I think because I was more or less socially undeveloped. Yeah I'm 27 but there are so many experiences I missed out on, especially at a young age. It's why I've always been the weird kid. And it's for reasons I couldn't control. All I can do now is make an effort to learn as I go like I've been doing. I don't think all is lost, its just frustrated having to try extra hard just to keep up with people my age and get through situation everyone expects me to be ready for.

Also I'm choosing not to ruminate on these memories because I have a nasty habit of ruining my own day when things are going well. Im still well aware of my personal kind of toxic behavior. There is no reason for me to be wallowing about the bad things in my past. It isn't helpful to anything I'm doing today. Its important to note I'm not suppressing, I'm just not acting based on these memories and their associated emotions.

10:56pm

This morning mom was outside when I took Sporticus out. I told her I wanted to try vaping THC instead of edibles since it hits quicker and goes away quicker. She agreed to take me tomorrow morning if I feel like it. Breakfast was a bologna sandwich and some beans, but I threw out the beans because they smelled and tasted like that old chalky disk candy for some reason. I ate a granola bar with my sandwich instead. It also tasted weird so maybe it was just my taste buds today.

I decided not to stream today because it feels very monotonous and I guess I kinda wanted to be alone. Problem is I couldn't focus on work like I wanted and I really wanna get better about that. I ended up only doing half the commission which is okay because it's paid double.

My workout today was splitting wood and I went pretty hard. It also rained while I was doing it which felt refreshing. When I came back in I shaved my body, clipped my nails, and touched up my hair a little. I took a nice hot shower and moisturized.

I couldn't do today's request because the guy I picked was at work and couldn't give me his details so I have to do it tomorrow. I worked on the world instead, intent on doing as much as I can even if it eats into my evening free time. I tried hanging out in David's server while I did it but there was a guy that I've never met there vaping very loudly and otherwise being noisy in other ways. I couldn't take it so I went to work on it alone. I felt pretty dreadful for a little bit only because there were no streams to watch and no one I wanted to talk to. I felt isolated for maybe an hour, trying to make my environment more comfortable and enjoy the alone time. Also my tummy started becoming active which I didn't appreciate. Daisy called at around the usual time. She was smoothing out her fursuit head which she did really well on and she sketched a unicorn for the world. We also watched Zelda some more before bed time. We had a good chat while she was in bed, I'm glad I can just enjoy our time together and not be in my own head. Before bed I put a little bit more time into the world.

[clownishpossum]

Answer the questions, then tag other people.

I was tagged by @lux-rae, thanks Sky!! c:

You can call me: Aja. Or Capra. Or Cap. Honestly, call me just about anything and it’ll make me soft. 

I’d describe myself as: I mean kinda a mess. But a mess who cares a lot? Who laughs a lot at stupid stuff and can’t take anything seriously, gets way too obsessed with stuff, and has a tendency to cry about friendship…?

Fictional characters that I identify with or am fond of: Izuku from bnha, N from pokemon. Kvothe from kkc. Alibaba from magi. Usopp from one piece. ///BarryLupMagnusAngusTaakoKravitz adventurezone because I can’t pick just one in the obsessive flurry I’m currently caught in

Three random facts about me:

1: My first word was doggie

2: I was reprimanded by my RA for having too many posters on my dorm wall but I have no plans to take any of them down. I also have a stinky pumpkin on my desk that I probably shouldn’t. 

3: Less of a fact and more of a brag but. I’ve taken three science tests since the beginning of college and I got 100% or higher on all three *finger guns*

Something little about my appearance that I kind of like: A lot of times my hair dries shitily but when it dries nice and it’s all soft and curly and fluffy? Or when it’s freshly cut or dyed? 10/10

An outfit that makes me feel powerful: I mean I’ve been feeling crop tops, heart shaped sunglasses, and hawaiian shirts recently. The most official ~outfit~ I can think of right now that makes me feel powerful is a white crop top, a black jacket with a rainbow across it, black ripped jeans, and my rainbow holographic doc martens. Which I realize makes me sound like kinda a ridiculous person. Like, that’s the type of wacky fake outfit you’d hear described in a wattpad fanfiction. But uhh. Here we are. 

An object that is special to me: I have a minccino plush that I treasure in particular because I got it during a rough time it’s very comforting to me. 

A compliment that made me feel warm inside: Lots of people have been telling me lately that I seem like I���ve gotten more calm and confident since coming to college, and that makes me 👀👀

Something I love about myself: Uhhhh lol. I know lots of scientific animal names...? does that qualify sjhjsdhs

Something I’d love to buy someone else: If I could I’d buy my friend who moved to away plane tickets so she could visit all her friends here. We all miss her. Also I’d love if I could buy me n my former emo friends tickets to the fall out boy green day weezer tour bc hot damn what a group of bands. 

Something I’d love to buy for myself: I’d love to get a portable blu-ray player, or just like. A tv and blu-ray player. So I could actually watch the movies I brought to college with me. 

Three things that make me really happy:

1: Looking at my TAZ graphic novels always makes me really happy...

2: Talkative affectionate cats

3: The feeling of being around friends you know and trust implicitly and can just completely goof off and release your inner dumbass around

Something I enjoyed recently: Yesterday my roommate and I went to the gym then got boba and went back to our dorm and watched star wars. And honestly? Ideal night. 

Songs stuck in my head recently: My head’s been rotating between This December by Ricky Montgomery, Good as Hell by Lizzo, and Gone for Good by The Shins. 

Something adorable I came across recently: The other day I was walking home from the bus stop and shuffling through the leaves and kicking them around and stuff, as I tend to do. And this group of girls heard me and turned around to look at me. And I had a moment of, “oh god. They’re gonna hit me with a condescending look.” But then they started shuffling through the leaves too and making piles and laughing and having fun and it was really wholesome,,,, 

If you wanted to know me better you should check out these things: Geez I feel like this is kinda a big question...? Definitely pokemon mystery dungeon explorers of the sky. probably pokemon black version too. The movies labyrinth and guardians of the galaxy...? Any of the shows/books/podcasts I mentioned characters from earlier. Uhh... Mustelids? Go check out mustelids. Get a good look at some stoats and martens. You’ll feel better.  

Something I can/will do to take care of myself in the coming days: I really want to get back into doing yoga! It’s been difficult because it’s just sorta awkward to do when I’m in a new place and I have a roommate sharing close quarters with me, plus I’ve just been really busy. But I feel like it helps me to relax and focus better... So I wanna start doing it regularly again. 

And I’m gonna tag @help-is-on-the-way @cazstiell @thelonelyabsol@shaggyturtlestudiostotallyradbro @ellixt-m @sunshineandshitpostss 

I know this is very long so I 100% get it if you don’t wanna do it skskjfhsd

But if you do. Cool! And if anyone else wants to do it...? Consider yourself tagged c:

[dribs-and-drabbles]

Thoughts on the costuming of Bad Buddy (a thread*)

Episode 11:

After all the red in episode 10, I wondered if this episode might have a greater lean towards blue, mainly because of the reveal that the family conflict originated with Ming's actions, and I actually I think in the first half, blue does feature a lot. However, I think this is more because Pat and Pran are at the beach to indulge Pat's need to run away and forget their real lives for a while. Later red, brown, and green come in...before eventually returning to the blue.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I won't write much about the beginning and end outfits, since I already touched upon it here, but in summary they seem to represent the 'real world' versions of Pat and Pran - which they shed temporarily to live free from the adversity they face but then have to return to when they return to their families.

I loved the below scene, the first meal with Tong, because it felt unequivocally Pat and Pran - first, they're wearing their colours (Pat's shirt has yellow too), Junior is also in blue, Tong has a red scarf with yellow stripes, and Tong's wearing mint green (which I maintain symbolises their union). Not only that, I LOVE the blue anchor above Pran's head and the red ends to the wind 'chime' in the foreground. I was going to try to write something about how Pat is Pran's anchor but I read a short fic by @loooreleii earlier which does it beautifully:

All his life, Pran felt like a little boat lost on the high seas, unequipped for its vastness, and too small to withstand the crashing waves and raging storms, the world seemingly too chaotic for his anxious mind. So he plans, sorts, and organizes; anything to combat the constant feeling of being pulled under by a force of nature far greater than himself. But Pat is his anchor, tethering him to the ground, breaking the waves for him, and keeping him afloat even in the worst of tempests. 👩🏽‍🍳💋

Helping with the fishing and there's more blue. And a bit of mint green in the foreground... I've already written about the genius that is Pat's elephant shirt (he's doing all he can to forget their lives in Bangkok and to avoid talking about it) and a little about Junior's t-shirt - which links back to one of Pat's t-shirts in ep 10 - which has red and blue separated by yellow on the print. Pran's white t-shirt and pants could signify that he's also set aside his connection to anything to do with his 'real life', whilst the dark blue shows he's there for Pat, indulging in Pat's fantasy for a while.

I'm not sure what to think about Junior's mum's colours - the black could be a nod to the fact that this conversation is being used to give Pran an alternative perspective to the situation with his mum (so opposite to his white) and the teal (which is usually used in a positive way) borders on the angsty green...maybe because she makes Pran think about his own mum and amplifies his longing to go back...which would cause a rift between him and Pat...?

The next day we get the black and white again but this time on Pran, perhaps showing the oppositional pull he feels inside, with staying with Pat on one side and thinking of his mum on the other. Pat, on the other hand has very dark pants (possibly brown) and the first red top. @transpat wrote a great analysis of how Pat may have been feeling in this and the next scene -> it's a moment when Pat realises he's hurting Pran, the one he doesn't want to hurt, and he understands that Pran needs to go home, eventually sacrificing himself yet again for Pran. (Note also the mint green blanket underneath Pran on the chair.)

I'm going to jump to Yod and Tong for a moment...and the combinations of red and blue on their shirts at the bar. The first time just red and blue but later when Pat and Pran have decided to go home and face the music, there are also shades of greens. In addition, with the musician in red, Pran's wistful gaze at him whilst he sings is not only because of Pran's desire to play/make music but also it suggests the longing Pran also feels for his mum/family.

And now jumping to the Morning After™...and there's more blue! Pat's pants, Junior's mum's top, and Junior's top. Incidentally, Junior also gets the red scarf from Tong - implying that those 'colours' belong together. However, Pran's pants are the dreaded angsty green - which perhaps foreshadows the coming break-up...? Returning to the Night Before™, Pat and Pran's white/light shirts for the kiss might be symbolising how they have put aside anything that connects them to their families or their life in Bangkok (hence no or very little colour...I mean, apart from the pants...but whatever). (And I already wrote about the bedsheets with the theory they used two sets...but having seen the bts photos, I think they are the same set but with different lighting...still cool though).

You know, as heart-breaking as it is, I love that once Pat puts the red shirt on, he's wearing both of their colours as he finally faces reality and they break-up. He's showing that despite what they have to do, they're still absolutely united. I also think it's beautiful that Pran is in the white top during this, because he's still willing to keep up the pretence for Pat. There have been some wonderful analysis and thoughts about the red by @keelpay and in an anon ask to @ohmpatwat -> with the former suggesting that Pat and Pran wear matching shirts for the first time that episode to symbolise how they're finally on the same page about their situation...and the latter offering the theory that the red is adding to the marriage symbolism we've seen in the last few episodes. So many layers. 😍

And finally, back to the end and the last bit of blue, saying goodbye to Tong. I see this as hopeful after the red (as well as with Tong's words). We/they've gone full circle - not only in coming back to their own clothes but in the blue of Tong's.

And I can't finish before touching on the tiny snippets of the friends. I've already written about Ink and Pa (they're wearing their colours!) but it's interesting that Korn is in Wai's red - a bright, vibrant red, no less - and Wai is in front of Korn's blue - the rich blue lights behind...(and is that a minty green I spot in between them? 👀)

[Ep 1] [Ep 2] [Ep 3] [Ep 4] [Ep 5] [Ep 6] [Ep 7] [Ep 8] [Ep 9] [Ep 10] [Ep 11] [Ep 12]

[rhythmic-idealist]

Okay, I'm making this post, and it's 1-person anecdotal but I think that's enough. I believe I last checked out the site in 2020 but it might be older info than that, but I'm still sharing this. I invite people to correct me if I'm wrong and there has been some kind of massive overhaul of the very core and culture of the site.

7cupsoftea (7cups.com) is not a reliable website, the volunteers on it are not adequately trained or supervised, and I don't advise it. It is unsafe for listeners and members (people seeking help) alike.

7cups offers ways to contact therapists, and I've never used that feature, so I can't comment.

I used to volunteer at 7cups, both as a teen and as an adult. Training can be completed in one day. There is (last I checked) no supervision period. Listeners are encouraged to keep checking in with people they've spoken to previously, which sounds like a good support model, until you're 17-19 years old and feel responsible for a situation you are not equipped to manage.

It's hard to talk about this, by the way, because I do not begrudge that person and I would do it the same way again. Parting was weird and bad as I made an abrupt exit from the site, and I love(d) them, and I'm not sure if I'd want to excise that part of my life unless it means they get better help sooner. I still need to make the rest of this post about how the site shouldn't exist in its current form.

Since then, I volunteered at a different crisis support line, and (while it had its own problems) was supervised and supported by more experienced listeners for months before I was in a position to lead other new listeners. It made me realize how laughably bad 7cups training is.

As an adult, I went back to find someone to vent to myself, and the listener with whom I connected immediately told me (in words smothered in empathy, blink-and-you'd-miss-the-problem) that my friends aren't supporting me, I can't trust my friends and family, and that I should be their friend instead. I hadn't said anything about my family or friends.

I laughed in their face and told them exactly how they were abusing his position of social power in this space, but that's only because I am almost comically not vulnerable to that kind of common and effective manipulation. As it happened, I felt super supported. But they brought it up because they're aware that many people looking for anonymous help don't have many other people to listen to them.

Last I checked, the volunteer listener half of the site has only decreased in quality since I left it. There were some experiences there I was grateful for, but that later experience made it clear to me that this place was built in a way that makes abuses of power extremely easy, and made me reflect on how easily I could have done them myself had I been so inclined.

tl;dr

The core goals of 7cupsoftea were good. I'm willing to bet that extremely unethical move that listener made, telling me I should be their friend, was probably even not intended to be manipulation, though it was (and needs to be not given any slack every time, because one time, it will be someone who means to do abuse).

But encouraging listeners to follow up with people they had helped in the past sets up a bad situation for listeners and members alike. Training is insufficient. Supervision is either insufficient or nonexistent, I can't remember. Listeners can come to other listeners for support, but most are also unequipped for that position. Rules are easy to ignore.

Please use the Crisis Text Line (not sure if I have firsthand experience with this one) or Lifeline Chat (which I CAN recommend firsthand).

If you prefer speaking out loud, but are not suicidal, calling the National Suicide Hotline and saying "I am not suicidal, but I really need a number to call for a lower-level crisis, do you know of any broader crisis lines I can call?" worked well for me when I needed it.

---

Closing note:

When I signed up, people as young as 13 could register to be listeners, a policy designed to keep adults from creeping on teenagers in need of help, but maybe they should have used... any of the strategies other helplines use to prevent this, instead. I'm unsure if this is still the case. The bulk of the post didn't need it and it proved distracting, but it should be pointed out while I'm here. They were not equipped to make that work and I'm not sure any online system ever would be.

[pasiphile]

Hi Pasi! I've had a lot of time to think about life the universe and everything lately, on account of being unemployed and all :P And I have a weirdly personal question for you, as someone who was unemployed for quite a while and now is not. Are you like… happier now, now that you have a job? Like, is it fundamentally better? Or is it more like, "I know I'm on a path that will get me to where I will be happier than before?" Or something else entirely? (1/2)

Please don't feel obliged to answer my awkward prying questions if you're not comfortable with it! Hugs! c: (2/2) 

So when I got that question I initially felt a bit unequipped to deal with it because I didn’t really have that much professional experience, all things considered… 

And then I actually thought about and realised that apart from my current job and the unemployment, I’ve had another 4 job experiences that are each wildly different from the other ones, for a whole lot of reasons. So buckle up, because this is gonna be a long ride...

Job number one: Student job at a furniture shop for three weeks.

I hated it. Really really hated it. Especially near the end it was a kind of grit-your-teeth-eyes-on-eternity-carry-on-only-a-few-more-days thing. Multiple reasons here. For one thing, the work was mindnumbingly boring - and that’s actually saying it wrong because for the most part, there was no work. Furniture shops aren’t the most visited. When there weren’t clients to be helped, there was basically nothing to do. But you couldn’t just sit around, read a book, because that would give off the wrong impression, so instead you had to pretend to be busy. Just one example of how deeply annoying this is: at one point I got so damn bored I started rearranging the pillows some of the clients had put back wrong. Only afterwards I got told off about it by my colleagues because those pillows were actually supposed to be arranged in a different way, By Chain Store Guidelines.But it wasn’t just the work, or the absence of work. It was also the colleagues. We didn’t get along. They thought I was weird, I thought they were weird, I had no idea how to hold a conversation with any of them and one the whole, we kinda ignored each other. 

So. The combination of not getting along with colleagues, absence of meaingful things to do, and the absolute rigidity of the work, really fucked me up. I honestly think that if the choice was between a job like that and living off benefits, I would choose the latter (speaking as someone who lives in a country with a well-organised social support system, of course). If that was my actual job, I think I wouldn’t last for more than two months. It ate away at me and I was so relieved when it was over.

Job number 2: Student job at the government, 2 times one month

Now, this one was very different. Because of institutional nepotism I landed a student job at Internal Affairs (thanks dad), more specifically the Firearms Administration department. And I actually liked it. The work itself - I suppose most people would find it boring. It was pure admin. First time ‘round it was mail organising, account checking, that sort of thing. Second time they’d just switched to a new IT system and my entire job was putting files into a computer. I didn’t mind. The work might not be that stimulating but at least there was work. And it didn’t feel useless either: I could see the pile of folders slowly decrease day by day, which gave me a sense of accomplishment.The colleagues helped too, of course. For one thing, I wasn’t the only student in the building: there were five of us. So anytime I felt a bit stupid or did’t know what to do, it was a comfort to see the other ones with the same questions. And the people who worked there were nice too, the kind of typical middle-aged gossipy ladies you find in admin jobs everywhere. The one I got assigned the first time was friendly, but got a bit annoyed when she was interrupted by my questions, which made me feel a bit awkward - about the only negative thing about that time, I’d say. (Well, that, and the fact that the first three days I worked in an office all alone, because there was no room in the open office thing. I thought I wouldn’t mind that much - bit of a loner, me - but I did.) Anyway, the second time I got assigned to a different person and she was super friendly and also incredibly helpful, not minding questions at all. That really made for a nice working environment. And finally, we got some freedom. Our hours, for example, were flexible: as long as we were there between 9:30 AM and 4PM and worked 7,5 hours a day, we could start and end and take breaks when we wanted to. It might not seem like much, but that idea that it’s fine if you’re fifteen minutes later one day and the other day half an hour earlier made a massive difference compared to the we-open-at-nine mentality of the furniture shop.

So, that combination of nice colleagues, relative flexibility, and work that kept me busy, even if it was a bit repetitive, made for a nice job. Of course, it helped that I knew it was only for a month. I don’t think I could this for a really extended period of time.

(And afterwards, this was the kind of job I was looking for through interim offices. My idea at that time was to do a bit of admin for a few months, then be free for a few months, then work again… It wasn’t ideal but at least it seemed doable to me.)

Job three: intern at Couples Counseling for 6 months

Now, this is a tricky one. The work itself I enjoyed. I liked the contact with people, and once I got over the initial fear of it all I did like doing therapy, even though I did feel I was a bit shit at it. I also liked the surrounding bits - the meetings, the files, the updates… I really didn’t mind the admin-bits of it - especially because I knew it got combined with other stuff.But. The first few months were okay, but then things started to deteriorate. The team I was in consisted of three people who’d been working together for years. I felt like an intruder. Plus, they all had their different styles, and since I went along with all three of them, that got me a lot of conflicting information I couldn’t really combine. Then there was the fact that they worked pretty intuitively, not at all like the procedures I’d seen during classes… And it went wrong.  My mentors got annoyed by how distant I was, reading shyness and desire not to intrude as arrogance. They wanted me to open up more, talk about my feelings and my insecurities and doubts - which to insecure lil’ me, given that it was in the context of evaluation, was an absolute nightmare. The criticism I got wasn’t specific or helpful enough to me, so I started freezing up during therapy. Eventually it got to the point where they were seriously considering ending the internship early. Eventually they didn’t, but it was by now pretty obvious they considered me a problem they couldn’t wait to get rid of. Which is a horrible environment to work in. Those last few weeks I had to drag myself into work, everything inside me screaming how much I didn’t want to be there.

So. The work itself? Enjoyed it. But everything around it had gone so bad that the job itself became hell. I only lasted because I knew it would be over soon. I can’t imagine what it would feel like having to work like that for an indefinite period of time. If the choice was between unemployment and this job, the way it was at the end? I wouldn’t doubt for a second.

Job four: internship at an Eating Disorders for Children Institute, 1 day/week for 4 months.

The work here was similar to the other internship. Instead of couples counseling, though, here we worked with parents and kids up until about 13 years old. I liked the work, even though I still felt like I wasn’t any good at it - but I was getting better. And I liked the colleagues.Like before, it was a team of three. But this time, I had only one mentor; the other three were a doctor and a dietitian. They were friendly, and patient. My mentor didn’t mind answering questions, and gave me some good tips when I needed a bit of help. I pitched in wherever I could, and it was appreciated: in the final evaluation she mentioned how quickly how I’d become someone she felt like she could depend on. In the end she’d liked me to show some more imitative, but giving how useless and paralysed I felt after internship 1, I kinda understand that about myself. As for the work - once again I discovered I didn’t mind the admin. And there I did take initiative, for once. They kept everything in paper folders. Given that they were trying to get official and that having organised data would probably help, I shyly suggested if it wouldn’t help to have everything digitalised? Yes, of course, they said, but that would take time and they didn’t have enough of it as it was. Well, I could do it, no problem, I said. And I did. And when I came back about a year ago, I found out they still used the database I’d set up. That sort of freedom - where I can take initiative and not only is it allowed, but encouraged and appreciated... I’ve learned that’s something that I really want/need in a job. I need the freedom to do my own thing - and most of the time, if given the freedom it turns out better for everyone else involved too. Compare that to the job at the furniture shop, where I couldn’t even change the arrangement of the pillows... Yeah, no wonder I hated it.

So. Nice, friendly, supportive colleagues. Interesting work, which at least in part felt like I was good at it (the admin more than the therapy, which I didn’t get much experience with, all in all). Quite a lot of responsibility and freedom to organise myself the way I like. It all made for a very nice work experience, and it was this kind of job I was looking for when I graduated. Unfortunately, I didn’t find it.

Interlude: Unemployment (one year)

Now, what you asked me is how unemployment compares to being employed. And it’s tricky. I mean, if anything the above has shown that “being employed” can mean a whole lot of things, some good and some bad. But unemployment…To be honest, in and of itself I didn’t mind. I’m perfectly capable of keeping busy by myself for long periods of time. Some people aren’t; my sister-in-law actually flat out asked me, full of bewilderment, what I did, all day. Well, I wrote, I housekept, I read, I watched things… I think I missed social contact a bit, some days, but mostly I kept busy online and I met with friends often enough to not feel too isolated. There were a few days when I didn’t see anyone for the whole day, which felt a bit… weird, and I think that would have become a problem if that happened a lot. But on the whole, I was fine with having all my free time to myself.Downswing of unemployment: the job search. I have never ever been through anything as demotivating as that year of job searching. I kept an excel file with a list of all the jobs I applied for, colour-coded with categories for rejected letter; invited for interview; rejected after interview, and let me tell you, seeing that list of tried-and-failed attempts just grow and grow... It wasn’t pretty. The first few months, I didn’t even make it to the interview rounds. I kept writing letter after letter, describing my skills and accomplishments and motivations, and over and over again it wasn’t enough. Even when I broadened my search (from psychology-jobs to basically anything non-profit) and got to go to a few interviews, I never stood a chance. “Lack of professional experience” was the most often quoted problem, which is in one way frustrating - you can’t change it - but also weirdly reassuring: it’s not really me that’s the problem, after all.Still. What job hunting comes down is repeated and explicit rejection. You’re never good enough. It helped that I got a lot of support from my family (they never nagged) and my friends and my girlfriend, and it helped that I got appreciation for what I could do in another area (writing; this was when I was writing ridiculous amounts of words, and the comments and asks really were balm for my cracking ego). But it gets you down. 

(There’s also a bit of shame involved. Even with all the support I got, you still get some reactions that aren’t as nice. From what I’ve seen, a few months of unemployment are acceptable, but as soon as you cross the half-year boundary, people start looking at you funny. I tried not to care, and for the most part I succeeded, but it’s something you need to arm yourself against.)

Eventually, by spring (I’d graduated in July and started seriously looking for jobs in September) I felt pretty much hopeless. I didn’t see what else I could do. And at that point, I seriously considered just becoming a house spouse. My girlfriend was earning enough to get by, after all, and if I gave up on this stupid fruitless job search at least I could shut down that bit of constant stress in my life. It felt a little like giving up, but on the other hand... Wouldn’t it be better if I could make myself useful at home, rather than spend so much time on a job I’d hate? Because the only jobs I could see myself getting at that point where the ones that other people wouldn’t want because they were too boring or annoying or unsuitable in other ways.

And then I got a job offer.

I… panicked a bit, to be honest, because it was a government job that I’d applied for mostly out of desperation and I didn’t really know what the work entailed. And it was in Brussels, an hour at-best away from where I live. And it was fultime, where actually I’d been hoping to find at most 4/5.

I also got in the last round of a different job, which was more suited (I thought) to me because they asked specifically for a degree in psychology - the other job was open to any generic bachelor’s degree. And for a while I thought that given the choice, I’d take that one. But then they called me up (suspense, panic) to tell me I hadn’t got it (confused relief). The reason they quoted was that I’d been too dominant and aggressive during the group exercise (which is hilarious and made all the people who know me laugh when I told them) but in between the lines it became clear: they didn’t have the time to train someone, so they actually wanted someone with experience. Even though it  was explicitly stated in the job posting that experience wasn’t necessary. Well, fuck you then, I thought, and I went with the other job. Which is…

Job five: “planning officer” at the government selection agency, 6 months and counting

I love it.

You need to realise how unexpected this was for me. I was looking for a halftime/part time job in the social care/healthcare sector, and I ended up in what looked like an admin job for the government. I fully expected to hate it. I had to repeat a little mantra of you can just quit if it becomes too much to make it through the weeks leading up to my first day.

And I ended up loving it.

Multiple reasons for that. First off: my colleagues are wonderful. They’re friendly and open to questions, they work hard, they’re appreciative when I work hard, they’re funny and patient and for the most part quite kind. My mentor, especially, was a dream in those first few weeks, exactly the kind of person I need as a teacher: he made it very clear that I could take my time, that I could ask anything I wanted to, that it was okay if I made mistakes, but at the same time he also gave me a lot of responsibility and freedom right from the get-go. He trusted me to do a good job, and when I did fuck up he helped me fix it without a word of blame. Plus, he’s a bit of a nerd and we’ve got the same taste in movies, and we’re both kinda control freaks - it’s surprising how much that compatibility of personality matters, really. Or maybe it’s not.Then there’s the work itself. Theoretically, I’m responsible for planning and organising the test-on-computer rounds of every government job selection that happens - which is a pretty complicated thing of its own. But in practice, I’m a bit like a fixer. Because of the planning thing, my colleague and I get in contact with basically everyone in the organisation. Which means we’re the ones who hear about problems - and we’re the ones fixing them, or contacting the people who can fix them. I spend a large part of my job just gathering info and spreading it around again - and helping people out. I’m everywhere, hear everything, and along the road I try to smooth out bumps and fix breaks as much as I can.It’s hard to explain why it suits me so well, really. The freedom plays a big role. Practically, I can work from home up to two days a week, and my hours are even more flexible than they were at the government student job. And content-wise, my job description is so badly-defined that I can basically do whatever the fuck I want, as long as the organisation benefits from it. A lot of my job is just helping people with problems, which is something I like (and which I trained for, even though not for this specific kind of problems…). I get to be bossy. I get to organise things. I’m good at keeping calm in stressful situations, at looking at things and seeing how they could be more efficient, at keeping an overview on a whole collection of complicated interconnected stuff… And those are all things that are needed in this job.And what’s most important: I’m good at it. Plus, people notice that I’m good at it, and tell me so. There’s a lot of I can’t believe how you keep doing it and I could never do what you do. When I’m in the open office space with the other colleagues instead of the more secluded office I’m usually in, they’re amazed to see how often people drop by or ring me to help them solve something. And more than one team has told me that “things run so much smoother since you started here”. It’s the kind of thing that makes me glow with pride.

I don’t know if I will be able to keep it up for years, though. It’s intense: I get up at 6:15AM and get back around 6PM, if I’m lucky. I spent 2,5-3 hours each day on transport, and even though being in the train is actually quite relaxing, the whole voyage is still quite taxing. I’ve gotten used to it and it’s surprising how quickly something becomes routine, but even so, sometimes I really feel it. And it really is a stressful job. I mean, I like that it’s diverse, that it’s a challenge, that I never got bored because there’s just too much to do, but once or twice I’ve had a moment where I drop my head into my hands and try not to cry because it’s just too much.

So I’m not sure if this is a job I’m going to do for 10 years, or something. But it doesn’t have to be. My boss has told me quite plainly that they approve of me doing things that are actually completely no part of my job description, and that they’d like to see me evolve to a different role eventually. If I want, I can also change jobs and become a consultant, one of the people leading a job selection process. Not sure if I would like that, though. And if I want to apply somewhere else n the future, I can, because now at least I’ve got experience. We’ll see. ‘Cause that’s the thing here: right now, I really like where I am and what I do, and that’s what I’m focusing on. The rest, well, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

So, in conclusion: is it better to be employed than not? It depends, of course. A job that you’re good at is fun, and does Good Things for your mental health, I reckon. But even the most interesting job may make you feel like shit when you’re surrounded by people you don’t get along with - and that’s something you can’t predict. Job content, yeah, you can sort of see ahead if that’ll suit you or not (even so, remember that I thought I’d hate my current job, based on what I knew of it beforehand, and look how that turned out). But the people, the work culture, that’s something you only get to know once you’ve start working.

And unemployment… It’s not that bad, if you remind yourself that being rejected for a job doesn’t have anything at all to do with your value as a person, and if you make sure to keep contact with friends and family as to not get isolated. And as long as it’s financially doable, of course - I’m incredibly lucky in that I rent an apartment from my parents for basically nothing, that I have a partner who earns well, that I know I can fall back on my family if I’m ever in money trouble. Without all that, unemployment would become a whole lot more stressful, of course.

But on the whole? Society kinda wants us to believe that we’re nothing without a job, that being employed has to be the end goal of every adult. But that’s a lie. A job you enjoy and you’re good at and where you’re appreciated for it is amazing, and does definitely make you happy, I reckon. On the other hand, a job you hate or you’re bad at can be extremely damaging.

It’s always a risk, starting a job. You never know beforehand if it’s going to turn out okay or not. But you can always quit if it turns out not to be okay. And being unemployed... There’s a lot of stereotypes and misconceptions around it and you’re inevitably going to bump into those but to me, not having a job (or even not actively searching for a job) is in no way a less valid choice than being employed. If you can afford financially to be unemployed, and if you find a way to have meaningful-to-you ways of spending your time... Well, then why not?