#I'm very sorry for your loss and if I got some details wrong.

[inhales-agressively]

Motorcycles are dangerous. Wear your helmet. Keep your headlights on. Wear reflective clothes. Be careful when you're driving in the dark, there could be bikers in the road you can't see. If you think you hit something but you're not sure, park the damn car and look around. This should go without saying, but if you see an unconscious teenager on the side of the road please call emergency services.

Somebody died today. He graduated high school in May 2024. I don't know all the details, and I didn't know him personally, but I knew of him through the outstanding reputation he left behind with his teachers.

When he left middle school, they put up a meme in a classroom that said "R.I.P. [his name]" because of some inside joke. And now he's actually dead.

Drive safely <3

[oh-no-its-bird]

Obkk modern au where where Kakashi and Obito are online friends who have never seen eachothers faces. It's a years long friendship (and mutual silent crush) where they've helped eachother through what was truly the darkest parts of eachothers lives.

But irl they also happen to know eachother from childhood due to having gone to the same schools and shared the same classes, and they fucking DESPISE the other. You can not stick them in a room without someone starting a fight.

When they interact irl, play into specifically the early dynamics of obkk, with kind of superficially happy/dumb Obito and a "follow the rules to the letter" grumpy overachiever Kakashi

But when they're online, play more into the older obkk dynamic.

Where Obito shows that he has a pretty big mean streak/humor and a serious talent for playing dumb; where he overlays his happier side irl for just social reasons.

While Kakashi shows he's actually super lazy and imperfect with most other factors of his life outside of work/school (and ofc downplays his actual work ethic when it comes to work/school, framing himself as doing bare minimum when he should really do more (bc he genuinley believes that)) and has a pretty wicked sense of humor himself, a love of over-romantic, fluffy porn, and a habit of using endless "cute" emotocons

Kk: Did my proposal today, it was so bad... I really slacked off this time on it. I was so nervous they'd tell me no (｡﹏｡")

Kk: I guess the other presentations must have been pretty bad too because they picked mine anyways? I feel so lucky (╥﹏╥)

Ob: it's ok even if you tried your best!! Im proud you were able to do even as much as you did.

Ob: I'm glad you got it, at least one of us won their proposal today. That jackass had a fucking 30 slide detailed slide with 6 DIFFERENT PIE CHARTS and a scheduled water break inbetween. Fucking kissass

Kk: nooo im sorry ( •̯́ ^ •̯̀)

Ob: it's whatever. Just glad you got the thing :)

Ob: want me to kill your boss tho.

Kk: lol

Kk: I'll help hide the body ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧

And then one day Obito does some sort of very mean prank on Kakashi. And it goes uhh. Badly.

I mean, badly for Kakashi. Obito thinks it went great!

That is till he gets home and finds his best friend for a decade, and crush for even past that decade, texting him about a very specific mean prank that got pulled on them.

Wait. No. Wait. WAIT. FUCK.

So like. Obito is a bit conflicted now. He doesn't know what to really do here??? Like. What if it ruins everything with his best friend??? But also hey best friend why the FUCK are you such a BITCH.

But also also, suddenly Obito is recontextualizing SO many of their interactions— from Kakashi suffering the devistating loss of his father when he was especially annoying, to explanations of why he reacted certain ways. And oh my god Obito is... also a kind of a bitch???

Obito has NO idea what to do and is just swinging so violently back and forth on what are really his only two options.

And sometimes he's like gleefully feeling vindictive bc after arguing with irl Kakashi, online Kakashi is ranting about "that same asshole again" at work, so Obito is like "I KNEW it was getting to u, haha you're NOT better than me after all!!!"

But then later he feels kinda bad about it bc like. Aw wait no he actually might have genuinley hurt the person he loves. And also he doesn't want to lose getting to see the real Kakashi, a mix of both of his masks, by fucking this up and choosing wrong.

Anyways Kakashi finally somehow figures it out on his own, they fight, they make up, they make out.

The end yay happy ending

There's an alternate universe where neither of them every found out about eachother and continued to be friends online and hate eachother to escalating degrees offline. But one day they start to slowly shift in dynamics. Irl they get closer and online they get so much angrier and more distant. Till we've swapped and now online they just have this GIANT fallout but offline they're actually in love now. And this continues till they're about to get married/no longer on speaking terms with eachother. And so on their wedding day they reach out again online but ONLY to hate on eachother like "oooo fuck you I'm so happy rn I just got MARRIED."

"Oh yeah you bitch??? So did I. And my husbands better than anything your ugly ass could ever pull"

"FUCK YOU MY HUSBANDS FUCKING AMAZING AND YOURS IS PROBABLY LOOKS AND ACTS LIKE SHIT"

"OH YEAH????"

"YEAH!!!"

"PROVE IT!"

And then they very sharply turn and take simultaneous photos of eachothers furious faces and then angrily, instinctivley press send.

And then they stop. And then they have a moment of dead silence.

And then they begin to have an actual, physical fist fight in front of the uncut wedding cake with ALL of their friends and families watching. And the photographers with their very ready cameras.

There was a lot of cake.

Yeah that was ah uhh. Interesting

The good news at least is now they have a photo of them fist fighting like they want to kill eachother while covered in wedding cake in a frame that says "happy marriage <3" on it, and they like to joke about it (to many, many peoples horror)

The end yay happy ending x2

If I were to write this fr I think I'd legally have to write both versions bc both are excellent

[moonchild033]

Aswini Nakshatra 🐎❤

Nakshatra ruler: Ketu 😌��

Symbol: Horse 🐎💕

Ever wondered why people with the same star can be so different and their lives too? Here's a short intro to aswini nakshatra observations in all the four padas (Divisions). 🤧💙

This post is for your moon sign's nakshatra. Refer the planetary details table in your vedic chart, find out which pada your aswini moon falls in. Hope u enjoy the read! 🤩❤

General Observation🤗:

Aries people are short tempered and outgoing but Aries moons born in Aswini star are more reserved and focused into their own work. They rarely share their issues even with their best friends or close people. They usually have the habit of isolating themselves when things go wrong. They can be in a relationship with someone who is authoritative or famous in their field- Like a politician's sister or a famous company owner's close friend.

🧡Pada 1🧡

Pada 1 gets vargottama as the moon falls in the same aries house in d9 chart too. Individuals born in this pada can become surgeons, work in healthcare or in scientific research. Transport business can benefit them in gaining more money. Their parents could've suffered financial losses after their birth or their mom could've got sick. They generally avoid talking too much, they're much better listeners and answers back in single sentences. Their friends could get annoyed with them because of their isolating tendencies and one word answers.

💚Pada 2💚

Pada 2 aswini moon falls in Taurus in D9 chart. They're the most different among the people born in this star. They always keep themselves presentable, try to find more ways for multiple incomes, and can be self-centered at times. They love attention and compliments for their looks or dressing style, spend money on luxury or beauty products and often treat themselves to make themselves happy always lmao (like going to spa or buying chocolates for no reason). Their mom can be controlling, they love their mother so much and often have difficulty in disobeying or doing something opposite to their saying. They can obtain wealth or support from mom's side relatives. Food products, agriculture and makeup industry related businesses can be beneficial for them. They have a very sweet or flattering way of speaking and some people are talented singers too. Few of them can experience anxiety or a confused mental state where they have difficulty in making/sticking to a decision. (Sorry that I wrote comparatively more for this Pada, I just know more about this one lol).

💙Pada 3💙

I'm feeling sad for this pada. These people can undergo so many ups and downs in their lives from childhood. As the moon falls in Gemini in d9 for this pada, the moon is an enemy to Gemini's ruler mercury and the moon falls in the 12th house from its own house cancer, these natives face many struggles and can be mentally drained or exhausted most of the time. Their mom's side relatives won't be supportive and can possibly be involved in back biting. Very few people can even lose their mom at the end of ketu mahadasha (This doesn't necessarily have to mean de*th, it can also be separation), if other planetary placements are not positively aspecting the moon ( Don't take this to ur heart, whole chart must be analyzed before saying anything, this was just an observation). It is better to avoid business and to work in companies, you sure will reach a higher position. They're warriors, they come out successful in their career after facing lots of competition.

💗Pada 4💗

Moon falls in it's own sign in Cancer in d9 chart for this pada. They are blessed with a good education, they can even study up to a PhD or more than that. Their mom can be very affectionate, family oriented, protective and an epitome of embodying feminine qualities to the core. They are often seen as cheerful or bubbly, they have an unwavering mindset, not changing their decisions often. If they want to have a side business, they can try their hands on water related businesses like aquaculture or milk supply.

Note: People born with their moon in aswini nakshatra should check for the strength of their Venus placement. Venus Mahadasha (Major planetary period) is for 20 years and they will get it during their crucial age from school to career or sometimes till marriage. Hence if it's afflicted, their peak life stage can be with ups and downs. 😌💛

One more note: Please don't feel bad if you read any negative points. I do not want to sugarcoat/hide anything, at the same time, do not want to hurt anyone's feelings. We all have ups and downs, it's just one placement, your whole chart decides your fate, this is just for knowledge. *Sending positive vibezzz only* ❤😍❤

Feel free to comment down your thoughts/questions! 🤗

Let's Learn and Grow Together 💅💋

With Love- Yashi ❤⚡

Here's my Masterlist! 💖

[pablitogavii]

I'm sorry..

Summary: It's your birthday and you ex boyfriend (Pablo Gavi) crashes the party desperate to get you back.

Pairing: Pablo Gavi x Reader

Warnings: slight angst/ slight smut/ fluffy ending I promise <3

It was your eighteenth birthday and all of your friends came to celebrate at your house making a big pool party with music and the whole light show. They really tried hard to make everything perfect in order to show you that you are never alone.

You haven't been the best recently, especially with your latest break up with your boyfriend of three years. Things got intense, he started losing games and all that pent up frustration was causing your relationship to break...caused him to break it.

Flashback:

"I can't do this right now! We are losing very game and I keep having to deal with this relationship! I can't!" Pablo was yelling after a terrible loss at El Clásico and you just stood there taking it despite knowing you didn't deserve any of it.

"You're acting like.." he interrupted you while growling angrily

"Acting like what?" he challenged

"Maybe you just want me to be as unhappy as you are..." you sigh feeling his hand taking yours and hold it tightly.

"I would never wish that on you..I want you to be happy but I don't know how to make you happy. Recently, I can't do anything right!" Pablo said letting go while Pedri observed the whole thing knowing that his friend will be absolutely miserable without you.

"It's over, isn't it?" you say as tears fall down your cheeks and Pablo kept a cold exterior although his heart was shattering into millions of small pieces.

"It's over.." he said and you left walking past Pedri as he sat down where you were some moments ago seeing his friend drying his own tears.

"Pablo, why did you just do that?" Pedri asked

"Because I love her..and I can't make her happy" Pablo said through gritted teeth as his friend hugged him tightly letting him cry into his shoulder.

You were dating the new guy after five months of daily grief but even now you go to sleep thinking about Pablo's arms wrapping around you. You knew it's not fair to your boyfriend but you couldn't help it..nobody will ever be what Pablo was to you.

"You look breathtaking Y/n.." Luca said and you smiled kissing his lips feeling immediate guilt only seconds later..this was the first birthday without Pablo by your side..it felt wrong..everything felt wrong since he left.

"He's here..just wait and we will ask him to leave" Ana, your best friend, said and you felt your breathing stop as your eyes filled with tears. Luca wanted to go with her but you stopped them both saying that you needed to see him, be the one to ask him to leave.

You walked down the stairs while Pablo was being held by Pedri looking up with big red eyes taking in every detail from your tight red dress, to your curls cascading perfectly down your shoulders and perl necklace around your neck..you looked heavenly..he couldn't breathe.

"What are you doing here? I need you to leave Pablo.." you said after finally standing across from him seeing his eyes filled with tears which broke something in you but you had to keep a strong exterior..your heart was pounding hard against your chest.

"It's your birthday princesa...it's my princesa's birthday" his voice broke and you could tell that he was drunk holding onto the wall as your head became heavy at the sound of that nickname.

"I'm not yours anymore.." you said and that exact moment Luca walked down pulling you to his side making sure you are feeling alright since you were really pale.

"Get off her! Hijo de puta! Don't touch her! She is mine! She..she is mine!" Pablo was trying to rush towards Luca while you were crying and Pedri pulled him back trying to sober him up.

"We should leave hermano..let's not ruin her birthday..you want her to be happy, don't you? I know you do..come on..let's go..lo siento amiga" Pedri was pulling Pablo's helpless body but just as they arrived at the door he pulled back now absolutely enraged.

"Ask her! Ask her if she loves you!? Do you!? Do you love him? I know you don't! And you know you don't! You're still shaking when I get close ...when I touch you...you're still mine in here!" Pablo said touching your heart and Luca was looking down at you expecting you to say something..to say anything but you were silently crying before Pablo turned around and left with Pedri.

"Is he telling the truth? Y/n!" Luca was yelling at you now and instead of this being one of the happiest days, it quickly became a nightmare. You were so overwhelmed and hurt that you don't even remember the words leaving your mouth.

"Yes! I love him! I can't stop! I..I'm sorry.." you cried rushing upstairs to take off your dress and get underneath the cowers while your friend told everyone the party was over and they left the house.

"I cleaned everything up..I'm sorry baby" Ana said kissing your head before heading home herself leaving you alone to think on everything that happened.

Your birthday was almost over, it was ten minutes till midnight, and all you could think about was the way Pablo looked at you as you walked down the stairs..those eyes showing you more emotion than Luca's words ever could...Pablo loved you despite all the complications that cluttered your relationship...he loved you.

A knock on the door brought you back from your thoughts and you walked down seeing him standing in the hallway with the largest bouquet of red roses in his hands. Your heart was beating fast and you felt your tears fall down your cheeks again.

"What are you doing here again? I don't have the energy to rehash tonight's hysterics..you won..Luca left..and I'm alone..I think you should leave" you said coldly still feeling anger than he selfishly ruined your birthday.

"I'm not here to apologize for what happened tonight.." he said giving you the flowers and you still took them waiting to what he had to say.

"Then...what are you here to apologize for?" you say smelling the roses smiling weakly before looking back into his sparkling eyes.

"Everything else...I'm sorry for losing my temper the night after losing El Clásico..I'm sorry for not calling you for months...I'm sorry for treating you like property..I'm sorry I didn't tell you I loved you when I knew I did..most of all, I'm sorry that I gave up on us when you never did.." he said and by that time you were already crying surely looking like a crazy racon with smeared mascara.

You sighed in relied giving him a small smile while holding roses tightly like your life depended on it.

"Thank you..' you said in a quiet voice putting flowers on the table as he slowly walked towards you almost like he was checking if you would walk back..but when you didn't his hands found your hips and he pulled you into a tight embrace.

"All I needed all these months is to be in your arms again...to feel safe" you whispered while you were till standing there hugging one another feeling Pablo's hands rub your back soothingly just like he knew you loved.

"Please come back to me princesa...I can't function without you..I don't want to learn how to live without you" he said and you moved back looking up at his tearful eyes before your gaze focused on his lips instead.

He leaned down crashing his lips on your and you kissed him back snaking your arms around his neck and pulling him closer as the clock hit midnight in just the right moment.

"My birthday is over.." you said as you pulled away from one another resting your foreheads together for the next few moments.

"I think I still need to give you my gift.." he said and you opened your eyes to look at him giggling a little when he swopped you from your feet and carried you upstairs bridal style back into your room giving you something you both craved since the night you separated...

[refinementofacourtesan]

when i first created this blog, i made a post about the importance of being healthy/getting your body right;

so i guess it's rather fitting that my journey of refinement starts here.

i have a history of digestive issues. going all the way back to my childhood. years ago, i was diagnosed as having IBS, but lately it has gotten worse and the usual remedies haven't been working as well.

ironically, they got worse right around the time i started a weight loss journey.

i was airing my frustrations to Grey while also telling him what my plans were to deal with it when he suggested that i stopped guessing what was wrong with me and go to a doctor.

so i took my ass to a functional medicine doctor/nutritionist.

BEST DECISION.

after an appointment that lasted over an hour, and completing a very lengthy medical questionnaire along with a food diary,

she diagnosed me as not having IBS but actually having SIBO along with chronic constipation (sorry if that's tmi ya'll lol)

and the reason why it's gotten worse is because *drum roll*

i've been eating healthier [because of my weight loss journey].

apparently when you have SIBO (which stands for small intestinal bacteria overgrowth), some food that is healthy, actually isn't healthy for YOU because of the bacteria.

i won't go into detail what SIBO is (feel free to google it) but once she explained it my symptoms made sense and everything just *clicked*

so now i'm on a special diet and my natural, herbal medicine is on the way.

we're going to give it a few weeks to see if there are any *positive* changes and then adjust if necessary.

[suosage]

they got rid of a lot of things and that affected so much of ch 123-125's storytelling to me...:

i was surprised bocil rin's monologue was put at the beginning. ch 123 had bl11's meeting put before it, so we first had rin's hall scene; and it's so important to me bc his line there set up the rest of the narration for the chapter... the climax of the chapter was framed as the conclusion for rin's line that was left hanging, "just you watch, shitty brother. I will...": in the consequent scenes, bocil rin said he wanted to be "strong and cool just like him," and he wondered "if I can become the world's best striker" just like sae's dream... to me this says a lot about rin's attachment to sae even now, after night snow happened

that line actually set up the storytelling for the rest of the flashback right until the very last line of it but we'll get to it later

this panel was supposed to be highlighted idk I might've missed it

sae's eyes Speak is what I'm trying to say. I just don't sense it throughout the episode n I need to cook myself two packs of indomie over it

they got rid of itoshi parents' parting lines. it's very sad.

especially since itoshi dad told him to take care of his health. might need to check the manga raw for this but that's the line in spirit. that was a departure scene it just felt a little too empty for me...

BUT WHATEVER RIGHT. THEY GOT RID OF RIN'S LINE ABOUT SAE'S WEIGHT LOSS TOO ANYWAY.

getting rid of rin noticing sae's weight loss was such a huge L too that was his nii-chan GIRL . I'm sorry. I just don't sense the same depth of brotherhood from anime saerin than the manga I'm so sorry

like its so awkward too without that bridge 😭😭 the conversation Was supposed to be a little awkward but the flow of the conversation still feels more like... natural... in the manga. sae only brought up about the world competition after rin brought up about his weight loss, like he's averting the conversation even if the next topic isn't necessarily more comfortable...

I was also expecting rin-chan to be more excited to see sae, especially since sae was supposed to arrive a day earlier than scheduled... but they also got rid of that detail........

also sae's eyes remaining static when rin was complaining is so 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 just whatever man

they added a new line too for some reason. and by throwing away sae's line "soccer is a battlefield," at that, that rin copied in i think the 1st selection.

"we're half-baked, you and me both" like........ this is just me but i don't think sae would speak of his defeat outright like that.........

why did they change that omg

it just feels like sae's anger has more depth in the manga like his frustration was conveyed so much better, he said "did you think I'd try to console you?" to rin who's about to give up when sae went home early to make peace with his own decision, he sounded his disappointment on japanese soccer, he drew contrast on how rin saw him and how he saw rin, also "don't get the wrong idea just because you happened to be born after me" is just too good to be discarded..

anyways. the build up for rin's snapping is just... guys cmon.

another line that's not included "so then, all that kindness... was it all just a lie, because I was useful?" this should've tied back into bocil rin's monologue in which he called sae the no. 1 kindest in the world and in extension v u-20 rin's contemplation like it just makes it more cohesive. and it's not included...

Speaking Of.

as I said, rin's line "just you watch, shitty brother. I will..." wasn't just setting up the progress for ch 123. it also ties neatly into the end of the flashback in chapter 125, where rin said "sae itoshi, you ruined my life... so I'm gonna ruin yours."

and! You Guessed It!

they deleted that latter line!!! too!!!!!!!!!!!

it's incomprehensible to me. why would they do that. the chapter's title is literally Ruin. rin's core character is about destructive impulses. What

in conclusion Well. at least manga chapter 123-125 will always be there.

And we had extra scenes from additional time too rin-chan sounds very cute there's not one single thought in his head ☺️ he's like a nephew to me

[shadowrabbits]

i never talked about this anywhere publically mostly bc i used ig and twitter and all that strictly for work/with a tiny sprinkling of personal stuff but earlier this year i lost someone incredibly close to me. like... they felt in many ways as close as i ever thought i might get to having my own kid.

all the details are really fucked up which was awful enough to deal with privately but very soon after, bc of the circumstances and bc they were a minor, a local news station broke info about their death. and then... it just sort of spiraled. i was barely holding it together in the first place but like a week after they passed i started getting phone calls from numbers i didn't recognize and i had recently gotten an email for a potential illustration job from a MASSIVE company and was like holy shit this is it like what a weird combination of some of the worst news of my life combined with what might be the best.

it wasn't that company. it wasn't a job offer. that local news story got picked up in a big way by larger media outlets and that first phone call i realized after looking at my voicemail was from a journalist from the Washington post. and then for the better part of a month my phone number got out to these people and for the better part of a month my phone exploded with phone calls and texts and then i started getting emails like "hi i'm so sorry for your loss but i'm a producer from CNN or msnbc or i write for the new york times etc and we'd like to talk to you on air/on record and talk about how devastating this is for you and your family"

the phone calls and emails eventually stopped but sometimes i still see things online. sometimes i still see reddit posts about them, sometimes i still see tiktoks. and sometimes it really upsets me, sometimes i'm seeing people on the wrong side of the whole situation flinging some really disgusting remarks about a child but sometimes i see stuff that makes me feel idk better, sort of?

i've seen a random person i've never met before in my life and who does not know me at all, post about a memorial photo of this family member i lost that they found set up in a small shop in a state across the country. i've seen their name and their photo posted in random RP bios online encouraging donations to funds like the trevor project in their honor so stuff like this doesn't have to keep happening.

initially, i hated having to share my grief and sometimes it feels eerie to see their name and their face in so many unexpected corners, shared by people who never knew them but i like that they're being remembered

[spaghettificationandpretzels]

A Voice Through the Nothingness Part 4

I have my final Uni assignments to finish so the next update might take a little longer, rest assured, I'm working on it when I have spare time.

Series Masterlist

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Contains: Angst, very brief mention of suicide, fluff, nightmares, discussions of trauma, flirting through being protective.

4.4 K words

Comment if you want to be tagged or follow #a voice through the nothingness.

"But I can have spiders in my head as long as I don't let them consume me.” - T.J. Klune.

Knock knock

Billy knew what was coming, he had tried to put it off but he could only give so many excuses before the doctors started to fuss, his first appointment with the physiatrist was today. 

"Hello Mr Russo, can I come in?" Despite his frame, Dr Charles was the least intimidating person you could meet. 

"I don't really have a choice." Billy didn't think he needed this, he was doing fine. 

"Well no, part of your plan is talking to someone about what happened to you, we can't let you leave until you're cleared and there's no way you'll be able to return to work either, but maybe we can make the best out of a bad situation." 

Billy waved his hand, "fine, but don't expect me to do much talking and I want to be done by one so I'm not late for rehab." 

Dr Charles smiled, "I think we can manage that." 

"So what do you want to know doc?" Billy's fingers were tapping absentmindedly.

"I want to focus on what you want to know, you much have questions about how you got here?" He was very aware that Billy needed to take this slow, this wasn't the eighties, he had no intention of making him relive things his mind wasn't ready for. 

"I know I got blown up, I know that it was because the guy were protecting was dirty and I know something happened to my face. Other than that, everyone's been a bit light of the details." Light on the details didn't exactly cover it, the answer he was given every time he asked was some variation of "you got blown up." 

Dr Charles nodded, "I'm sorry about that, when coma patients have been through something that causes serious memory loss, we are always hesitant to overload them but I'm happy to ask any questions you have." 

Billy swallowed, "I wanna know what's wrong with my face, I've been awake for five days and no one's let me near a mirror. I can tell something wrong." 

Dr Charels took a deep breath, "You have some scars, I brought a mirror if you want to look but I want to go over some things first." 

Billy felt rage build inside of him, now, when he got angry, he felt like he was going to explode. "Fine, ask your questions, it doesn't matter to me." 

"How do you think a change in your appearance might make you feel?" Dr Charles knew he was going to be met with bravado. 

Billy huffed, "my line of work doesn't exactly rely on me being pretty." 

Doctor Charles nodded, "yes, but that's not what I asked. I asked how it would make you feel." 

Billy's fingers drummed faster, "I don't need to look good to like myself, you don't need to worry about me offing myself doc." 

"This isn't about suicide Mr Russo, I would have asked outright if I thought you were a risk. We all want you to get better and part of that is knowing what might cause setbacks." Dr Charles knew Billy wouldn't have been used to this kind of thing, all the military cared about was keeping men in the war. 

"So you don't care how other people see you? Most people do, even if it's just a little?" Dr Charles was impressed, things were going well.

"The people that matter don't give a shit how you look. Some of my men look like they've survived a horror movie and they don't have problems, why should I?" Billy just wanted to get this over and done with, Dr Charles was making it seem like he had lost half his face.

"Alright then, do you want a mirror?" He could tell Billy was getting agitated.

"What do you think?" Dr Charles reached into the pile on the side table and produced a rectangular mirror the size of a medium book before holding it in front of Billy's face.

There was a moment of shock before it sunk in, then he was hit with waves of different emotions all at once, rage, pain, sadness, loss and to his surprise, relief, it wasn't the worst thing he had seen, "getting blown up is right."

"If I'm being honest Mr Russo, you're taking this better than I thought you would, hell, you're taking it better than most people would." Dr Charles didn't know if he should be concerned, Billy was hard to read.

"Yeah, like I said, I don't need to look good to like myself." The rage was still bubbling at the surface, "you got any other questions doc, because I'd like to be alone right now."

Dr Charles shook his head softly, "no, not right now. I'll be back tomorrow Mr Russo."

Billy sighed, realising this was going to happen whether he liked it or not, "call me Billy, I guess we're going to be seeing a lot of each other."

Dr Charles smiled, "well then Billy, call me Daniel. I'll be in the same time tomorrow, good luck with your rehab today."

Billy managed to hold on until he couldn't hear Dr Charles' footsteps, then he couldn't hold on any longer. He couldn't recall the last time he cried the way he did once he was sure he was alone.

****

"Hey."

Billy felt a mix of feelings when Hazel walked into his room, "hey, I like your scrubs."

She smiled, "elephants are awesome, did you know that when they're babies, they don't really know what to do with their trunks?"

Billy shook his head, "nope, but I do now."

"You doing ok? You seem a bit deflated." Hazel knew Billy had seen Dr Charles early that morning, he had spent the last few days complaining about it.

"Is there a reason no one told me about my face?" His demeanour made sense now.

"Yeah, we were told not to. It's kinda hard to tell someone that they have a whole bunch of scars on their face and doing it wrong is really really bad so we like to play it safe and wait for a shrink to do it." Hazel took her place by his bed and took a deep breath, "do you have any questions? I'm sure you've got so many things running through your head?"

Billy swallowed, "what the hell happened, how did this happen?"

Hazel thought for a moment, "If you like, I can go over your chart with you, we can go through each injury and you can ask all about it, how does that sound?"

Billy's fingers began to drum, "yeah ok."

Hazel popped up and grabbed his chart at the end of his bed before sitting back down and opening it to one of the early pages, "vertical laceration with horizontal branching of the right cheek, two vertical lacerations of the forehead with left laceration extending into the hair line, long vertical lacerations from temple to cheek on the left side, two horizontal lacerations to the nose bridge, shrapnel starburst wound of the left cheek. Glass removed from six of seven wounds."

Billy's fingers continued to drum as he took in the information, "so that's what they saw when you first came in. Your chart then talks about all the surgeries you had and how all the damage to the muscles and nerves was repairable because the glass made clean cuts. I'm guessing you were facing a window or glass door when it happened and the explosion sent everything flying at your face, a bomb tec will tell you the rest."

Billy huffed, "Have you seen the video of those stab proof shirts?" Hazel nodded, "when we have high risk clients, we wear them. The only thing that was unprotected was my face. I got off lucky, had the glass been different, I might not be here. I don't want plastic surgery, make sure they know that."

Hazel placed her hand on Billy's forearm and the tapping stopped, "that's your choice and I think it's the smart one, you've already had a lot of surgery and your body has been under a lot of stress. If you can feel and move your face and the scars don't matter to you then there's no reason to even think about it."

"Do you think they matter?" There was something sad in Billy's tone.

"Nope, not one bit. You work with guys with facial injuries right, do they still live full lives?" She could see Billy sorting through his mind.

"Yeah, they do. Hell, one of them is married to a model and they met after he got burned." Hazel could see the resolve coming over him, like he had found a solution to all his problems.

"There you go, if anyone cares Billy they are not worth your time or effort and if a client cares, then you should take them for all their worth. I know this won't mean anything, but you don't really notice them after a while, I'm not looking at a scarred face, I'm looking at you and I'm alright with that." Billy's chest felt funny, like a mix of butterflies and bravado.

"You're good at making people feel better." The smile Hazel gave him only grew the feelings rumbling under his ribs.

"Well I'd hope so, that's what they pay me for. But you're going to have another session with Dr Charles today because as much as I can talk to you until the cows come home, I'm not qualified to for that kind of making people better." Hazel's tone made it clear he didn't have a choice.

"You really think it will help?" Billy trusted Hazel completely, no matter how hesitant he was about talking to a shrink.

"I do, and I like I said, I talk to him once a month too. It will be worth it and you don't have to talk about the explosion, you can talk about anything. I'm not going to claim to know how fighting overseas has affected you but you had to have seen some shit that keeps you up at night, maybe if you talk about that you can kill two birds with on stone." She sounded a bit like Curt trying to get him to come to group.

"You've missed your calling a UN negotiator." Billy didn't know why he trusted her so much, maybe it's because she was always so genuine with him.

Hazel made a face, "Those assholes are useless. I got my skills getting five year olds to take their cough medicine, they got theirs failing to convince warlords to not be monsters."

Billy laughed, his face spilling into a grin, "that's what I'm saying, if you were with us the Taliban would have tossed in their guns on day one."

Hazel sighed, "you can butter me up all you like, I'm still paging Dr Charles when my two hours are up."

Billy shook his head fondly, "there's no getting anything passed you."

"Nope. Now, I have some major gossip about that new military contracting company and you are going to want to hear it." Hazel had a suggestive smile on her face.

"By the look on your face, it's either a sex scandal or the mob." Billy,knew they weren't a threat but he was happy for the leverage.

"Oh it's a sex scandal and it's real juicy." Billy could tell she was busting to spill the beans.

"I'm dying to know."

****

"I'm glad you asked to get me back here Billy, what made you change your mind?" Something about Billy was definitely different.

"Look, Doc, it's not that I don't believe in this stuff, my buddy runs a vet's group that does amazing work, I just don't think I need it, but I know I'm not getting out of here with the all clear and I can't do my job without a gun so how do you do this?"

Dr Charles smiled, "you seem like the type of man that does best when you have a mission, I'm guessing that's how we got here?"

Billy nodded, "you can take the man out of the Marines but you can't take the Marines out of the man and you're right, once I was awake enough to have a goal to focus on, that's all I did."

"That's real good Billy, it certainly makes my job easier. Therapy isn't much different to what you've been doing, if you can give me a goal, we can find a way to work towards it." Judging by the bags under Billy's eyes, Dr Charles was pretty sure he knew the answer.

"Sleep, I can't fucking calm down enough to sleep at night." Billy sounded fed up.

"Yeah, I noticed you're only getting two hours a night, you got an ideas about why you're having trouble other than not being able to calm down?" He knew the answer to that too.

"I'm worried about nightmares, I get flashes sometimes of what I think it the explosion but I've been through it once, I don't need to go through it again." Billy's voice was a mix of fear and anger.

"That's fine with me. We'll start with a sleeping pill, something really mild and we'll go from there. How does that sound?" Dr Chrales was growing more hopeful but the minute.

"I don't want to be stuck in a nightmare Doc, I've been there before too." Billy's fingers started to drum against the bed.

"That's fine with me too, if you get them tonight, I can give you some Prazosin. It's not a permanent fix and we'll have to deal with the cause of the nightmares but it will let you get some sleep and we'll handle the rest when you're ready." He could see the relief on Billy's face.

"You know Doc, the last time I couldn't sleep, I went to a doc at the VA and he told me that I have to learn to deal with the nightmares. He wanted to dose me up and make me go through them every night so I could expose myself to them." Billy was proud he could still read people, even with a scrambled brain, because Dr Charles was angry.

"I'm really sorry you had to go through that Billy, we don't do exposure therapy anymore, we now know that exposing people to their traumas before they're ready is harmful and it denies your ability to choose your treatment. If one day you decide that's the way you want to go them we can jump in with both feet, but until them, let's just make sure you get a good's night rest. How does that sound?"

Billy smiled, "that sounds good Doc."

****

"Come on Bill, you're getting old, don't you want to find someone and settle down?" Frank sounded like a grandmother. 

"Like I keep telling you man, I'm doing my duty, I can't leave the beautiful women of this city with cold beds." Billy had seen what Frank had gone through after Rawlins killed Maria and the kids, he wasn't one for setting himself up for heartbreak. 

"You think she won't like you once she gets to know you Bill, you don't give yourself enough credit." Billy sucked on his tongue, Frank didn't need to go dragging shit up. 

"You tell Karen everything we did over there, how the CIA sent us after Rawlins when he went bad, about all the shit that keeps you up at night?" Billy already knew the answer, he was just trying to shut Frank up. 

"You bet I did, we're still together, aren't we? It ain't as scary as you think it is. The right woman won't care." Frank sounded so sure of himself. 

"Alright Frankie, I'll take your word for it but right now, I'm just sharing the wealth." Billy hoped that would be enough for Frank to let it go. 

The shrill buzzing of an emergency ringtone cut Frank's reply. Billy watched as Frank listened to the person on the other end, his face slowly becoming a mix of anger and worry, there was a pause and Frank looked around, the phone still glued to his head, before his eyes went wide. 

"Get away from the wind......" 

Billy's eyes shot open, his heart racing in his chest as he tried to get his bearings. His whole body hurt but it was a strange pain, like fantom claws ripping into his flesh, he managed to raise his arm but before he could touch his face, his shoulder crumbled in agony. 

Parts of the nightmare faded, leaving only his conversation with Frank left. As much as he hated the lingering panic in his chest, he was grateful the memories were returning. 

****

Knock knock

"Yeah." 

Hazel wandered in with a smile on her face, the blue of her shark scrubs making her brown eyes look like obsidian under the bright lights, "for a man that clearly hasn't slept a wink, you look happy." 

Billy nodded, "I am, I saw Daniel this morning, he thinks I'm making good progress." 

Her smile widened, "really? That's great."

She took her spot by his bed and he reached his hand out for her to take, Hazel's hand sliding into his, "you're right, I didn't sleep last night but the doc's going to give me some drug to help with the nightmares and the bonus is I remember some of what happened."

"Prazosin, it's an amazing drug. I was on it for about four months after I was attacked." Like usual, Billy was grateful for her openness.

"Did it work?" Billy could see Hazel was thinking about her answer.

"Yes, they didn't go away entirely but I didn't wake up in the middle of a panic attack and it gave me time to heal so I could get to the root of what was causing them without worrying about falling asleep every night. Coming of them was a bit of a bitch, I had the weirdest dreams for about six weeks but I'm better now and when I have nightmares, I use the techniques Dr Charles have given me to feel better." That burning anger was back, it struck Billy how fierce it was.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that, I'm not sorry you shot him." Hazel squeezed his hand as her thumb stroked his skin.

"Neither am I. But enough about me, tell me how the news about that scandal has spread." Billy smiled, Marines gossip worse than school girls and he was more than happy to take part.

"Oh, you're going to want to strap in because it's a wild ride."

Two Weeks Later

Billy knew what he was caple of, he had already pulled himself up from the dirt once and he was going to do it again but right now, all he could focus on was the blinding pain in his limb. It came hard and fast and he had cramps so bad they wrapped his body in agony and pins and needles that made him feel like he was being dipped in a pot of boiling oil.

None of that mattered, all Billy focused on was getting better. Rehab became a mess of tiny improvements and waiting for the misery of pain to ebb back into the background.

Billy forced himself to hover at the edges of conciseness, waiting for Hazel's daily visit. Today's physio session had been almost unbearable, but that didn't stop him from asking for more. Right now, he was psyching himself up to ask for more pain meds. He was having at least one session a day with Dr Charles and it was sinking in that it was ok to ask for help, that he didn't need to cope with pain, if only the nurse would hurry up.

He popped in, clicking his pen and Billy considered killing him with it, only to be handed two pills and have a cup shoved in his face. Billy lifted the drugs to his mouth and took the cup from the man, "I can do that myself now, it should be in my chart."

The man gave him a fake smile, "sorry about that, I'm only a student and they've just giving more responsibilities, I can't keep track of everyone."

The glare Billy gave the man had him think twice, "right, I will be back in an hour to see how you're feeling."

Billy blinked, an hour seemed like an awfully long time.

****

"Billy, holy shit are you alright?" Hazel sounded so worried and he hated it.

"I'm fine, the meds aren't working." His voice was tight.

Her eyebrows wrinkled, "that doesn't make sense, they've been working fine so far." Her face as she read his chart told him all he needed to know.

"Lizabeth, get in here now." She sounded enraged and Lizabeth seemed to pick up on it as she came racing in.

"I just heard my government name in front of a patient we've both known for months, what is it?" Hazel handed her Billy's chart and if he thought Hazel looked scary when she was angry, Lizzy was something else.

"Fucking Tylenol? I'll go get him, he's been a problem since he got his med privileges. Knight will have him on his ass after this." Lizabeth left for a moment and returned with the nurse who had come into his room before.

"Do you know how to read a chart?" Hazel was already up and shoving the chart in the student's face before returning to Billy's side.

"Yes, I do." He sounded pissed.

"You clearly don't. 'The patient is to be given Tizanidine at first request and Tramadol upon second request. On call doctor may exercise discretion if stronger drugs are needed.' This cocktail has been working since Billy woke up, is there any reason you went over the heads of five doctors, the head nurse and his two personal nurses? Keep in mind I have nothing to do with this, he's not my patient but I still agree with this plan." Lizabeth didn't step in to stop the hell Hazel was about to give him.

"These drugs are addictive and Mr Russo is going to be here a while, he needs to learn to cope with his pain." There was a pause and Billy could see Knight getting nervous.

"You got a name?" If Billy was in less pain, this would have been a sight.

"Jared Brooks." Jared had the face of a man who didn't know what was coming to him.

"Well Jared, you've only been working in a hospital for six months and you've only had the privilege of handing patients their meds for two days. You are not allowed to give them anything not listed in their chart, you are to get them from your med cart. You're lucky you're not on my ward, my head nurse would have dragged you to the stress herself. Lucky for you, the head nurse for long term care is doing the right thing and at a conference for new treatments. What do you have to say for yourself?" Billy was ready for Hazel to kill him.

"I made a mistake, it won't happen again." He was still as smug as he was when this started.

Billy watched Hazel carefully, he knew what was about to happen, "You make a mistake, a mistake? Oh no, you made more than a mistake, you mistook your ego for medical care and risked the mental, physical and emotional health of a patient to prove a point about something you don't even understand. You didn't make a mistake, you made what could have been a fatal error in your judgement. You are the worst student nurse I have ever met for a teaching hospital, that's saying something. I can only assume that you used the fact that our actual staff were busy to take advantage of the people that needed you the most. I have no words to describe…"

Billy reached out and grabbed her hand, "you're going to make the poor man cry. I'm not mad, everyone makes mistakes Hazel. I'm sure Mr Brooks will be dealt with."

Lizabeth spoke up, her voice hard, "Get off the premises now or I will have you removed, you can expect us to call your academic board within the hour." She turned to Billy, "we will let you get some rest and the meds you need. This is the second time he's done this today, he won't be coming back."

Billy eagerly swallowed the handful of pills Lizabeth handed him and rested back on the pillows while she closed the blinds and quieted the room, "I'll hang here and give him the good news."

Lizabeth nodded, "thanks Hazel, buzz if you need anything."

Lizabeth left and Hazel relaxed into her chair, "I was coming in to tell you something wonderful so I'm sorry you got to see me Hulk out."

Billy laughed, "you kidding me? If you ever need a job at Anvil, it's yours, I thought you were going to hit him."

Hazel huffed, "I fucking wanted to."

The tension was leaving his body by the second, "tell me the good news."

He could hear the joy in Hazel's voice, "long term care and the peds ward share a state of the art rehab room. Now that you're in the low support section and we've got you sleeping, you've been cleared to start your rehab over there."

Billy's chest felt funny, "does that mean I get to see you in action? I know the nurses take their patients and help out, Dr Charles said it was something about continued support."

Hazel nodded, "yep, we pride ourselves on not only having support networks within wards by within wings too. We go where your patients go to the best of our ability. Now, I can't say it will be easy but it's not like you're not already going through it so you'll be fine."

Billy grinned, the pain almost gone, "I get to see you work, not just hear about it from everyone. You know Lizzy and Dr Charles say you're one of the best peds nurses they ever met?"

Hazel broke eye contact with a slight smile on her face, "I know, they've told me. But I've also been told I'm a big meanie, we end up sharing a section you might change your mind."

Billy smiled, "I'm looking forward to it. I get to see where all my tax dollars are going."

Hazel shook her head fondly, "get some sleep Russo, you're going to need it."

Part 5

[daylander1000]

Hi, I've recently discovered your fic and I absolutely love it! I'm currently reading chapter 8 and Aemond's list is such a great idea. He reminds me of Arya, but your version of him is even more interesting and likeable imho. Just one thing, I believe that the bastards born in KL/the Crownlands are called Waters, so the names of Aemond's nephews on the list would be Jacaerys and Lucerys Waters, not Rivers. This is not a criticism or anything, just a tiny detail a nerd like me noticed😅. Anyway, I'm in love with your writing and would like to know what is your opinion on Alicent in HotD. Her interactions and characterization in SWHHW is just what I imagined her to be as a mother, especially to Aemond after the eye loss. As for the show, I mostly liked her characterization until episode 8 and the whole "you'll make a fine queen" thing. After that I had mixed feelings about the route they decided to take with her.

Also, how did you get introduced to Rhaemond? Hints from the show, Tumblr...? It is an interesting ship with a lot of potential, but sadly not as popular as some others, at least not yet. Thanks in advance for your answer and for giving me something good to read:))

Nerds together, strong!

(sorry x1000 for taking so long to respond. Exams are done but I picked up an eyestrain 😒 This was half-answered in my drafts for a week? Very sorry.)

Criticism is fine! It's good! I mean, I would love 100% total praise, but I am honestly amazed that people love this. My ego is well pleased. 😅 Thank you (and everyone) for reading! Like, I would love to say that I write for the simple joy of it, but no. Readers make it worth doing.

I will confess that I didn't research this properly. I went with Harwin Strong > Riverlands > Rivers, but yeah. I've been out of the fandom for a minute and did not think it through. I have to edit this when I'm done so hopefully I remember to fix it. Will make a note.

My view on Alicent... Honestly, I'm almost at a point where I feel like any criticism of any non-Rhaenyra character is unfair because imo the writers aren't actually trying to create characters, they just contort everyone else to fit whichever role they need for Rhaenyra's plot, but okay, pros and cons? What I like versus dislike?

She's too apologetic, for one thing. I like the green dress scene, but it's so rare to see her show some teeth. I get it, that she really doesn't have all that much power, especially after Driftmark when she's watching her husband try to get their son to snitch on her so that he could have her tongue cut out, or have her tried for treason or killed or set aside or whatever Viserys was angling for in that scene, but I still wish she had a more proactive personality. More like Cersei, Catelyn, Margaery, Brienne, etc.

No way is Catelyn being gaslit into apologizing for being angry that Bran got pushed through a window, you know? Cersei might apologize but she'd also probably leave half the city blind by the time she's done getting her vengeance. I wanted some of that.

Half the fandom hates her for wanting Aegon on the throne instead of Rhaenyra and my problem is that she's not doing enough to make that happen. Everyone's living the grimdark life, playing the game of thrones, while she's a high fantasy damsel queen. They make her a sort of 'Trapped In the Wrong Genre'/'Not Built For This' character like Sansa and it's kinda hard to watch tbh.

I mean, she's more of a Good Wife™ than Alicia in the actual show named Good Wife. Rhaenyra wants to put Jace on the throne, and presumably Daemon, the family serial killer, would want to have his own son take the throne, either way, all Alicent's children and grandchildren will have to be killed to fully secure the throne since Westeros plays by Best Claim Wins but also Keep What You Kill rules. Why isn't she leading the charge to prevent that?

From her perspective she has witnessed the destruction of House Velaryon. Laenor, Laena and Vaemond dead, Baela and Rhaena, Daemon's own daughters disinherited and dismissed for Luke, the boy who cut her son's eye out without so much as a slap on the wrist. What does she think is waiting for her children and grandchildren under Queen Rhaenyra, King Daemon and then King Jace and Master of the Tides Luke?

It's not like she doesn't know how Rhaenyra feels about her children. When someone calls for your still bleeding child to be tortured - there's not a lot to misinterpret about that. Fans can be like "No, that happened a whole episode ago. Get over it! She meant to say gently questioned with cookies and tickles! Rhaenyra would never!" but Alicent isn't supposed to be a fan of Rhaenyra in the show.

Post time-skip, she's like “water under the bridge” when only minutes ago they were accusing her of poisoning the king. You cannot "water under the bridge" your enemies throwing you, your father and your children into highway traffic at every opportunity.

It's like they wrote her to be the show's butt-monkey. Daemon and Viserys literally laughing at her when she's just trying to be cordial, Rhaenys of all people gets to give her that "you have failed feminism" speech, Rhaenyra gets her “now they see you" moment...

Not even sure if butt-monkey is the right trope. She might be more of a Chew Toy? I don't understand why they're this determined to make her a permanent victim. With Sansa, there was the sense that she was being punished in a way for getting Ned killed, for being naive, childish, etc... Ned gets punished for his rigidity... People get "punished" in asoiaf world, but it's like Alicent's being punished for "seducing" grown ass Viserys? For not buying in wholesale to her Hightower inferiority and the natural order of Targaryen supremacy?

I don't understand the desire by the writers and the showrunners to keep kicking a character who is down and has never been up.

When you have one opponent being OP, the other one is usually powerful in some other equivalent way. Like superman has physical power but Lex gets social power and genius intellect.

Dr Manhattan is near omniscient/omnipotent but Ozy is smart enough to plan for that.

You would think it's supposed to be Aegon v Rhaenyra because they're both Viserys' Dragonrider children who stand to inherit, but S1 is entirely Alicent v Rhaenyra where Rhaenyra has

physical power in a dragon,

political power in being the named heir and Viserys' clear favorite with Corlys in her pocket,

childbirthing power (5 sons to Laena and Aemma's 0, and Alicent's 1, 2 or 3 depending on how you count it), and

social power with Daemon and Rhaenys killing for her without hesitation (or repercussion). Even Baela who barely knows her eagerly wants to go fight for her.

What does Alicent have to balance it out?

Instead of giving her the cunning tactician card, they make her dependent on Larys the Clubfoot with a Foot Fetish™

God, I'm ranting again.

I hate how Laena was written too, as a "Daemon's trying his best" Good Wife™ but it's hard to think about them as actual characters outside of simply being Rhaenyra's foils so of course I had to fix it up a little in swhhw.😅 It's mostly a fix-it fic for Rhaena, but if I were doing one for Laena or Alicent, I don't think Rhaena and Aemond would have even been born. I'm talking about serious murders from Day 1. 🤣 As soon as Aegon was born, we're going directly into a Queen Regent Single Mom Era and Vhagar is being fed on pedigree prince meat.

I hate HotD with the passion of a thousand sons, but I have a soft spot in my heart for the black characters and the ND/disabled/maimed characters.

Alicent already had my empathy from the beginning. I don't nail pick, but I hair-pull (BFRBs are a bitch) so, it's near impossible for me to be on the side of the Kool Kidz laughing at her, just personally speaking, regardless of how inconsistent/incoherent she's written.

I try to really avoid a lot of the discourse on hotd because of how ableist it is, but you still see so much of it. All the r-words thrown out for Aegon and Helaena, all the eye jokes on Aemond and the idea that Alicent has inferior/disabled children and grandchildren who should be killed... Like, in 2023, it's just sad that this is still a thing, but I'm always going to be team weirdos (endearing).

And being Team Rhaemond... I have a longer post where someone else asked me about it but it generally boils down to Tumblr and AO3. Basically:

The fanart on here... The Aemond fanart and headcanons are hilarious. Rhaena fanart is harder to come by but it exists.

The dinner staredown gifs. I completely misread that scene. I honestly thought Aemond was looking at Rhaena because I thought the kid was Joff. (I am moderately faceblind and I couldn't really tell them apart on first watch). I was also just kinda generally confused by how they were all sitting down to dinner to feast after Vaemond's murder earlier that day.

Rhaena's is painfully underwritten. I've never seen a character more in need of fanfiction than Rhaena.

This pic: (not mine, I just found it on Google but the original has Aegon in it. it's like a fanart "cover" of a real behind the scenes photo of Ewan and Phoebe and Bethany... )

The lack of Daemon-free Laena fics. I went to AO3 looking for Laena fics but I can't read Daemyra. I tried, but I can't and maybe 90% of Laena fics are actually Daemyra fics, so to avoid that I had to filter out daemon and Rhaenyra so I was left with nothing. And then I tried Baela, but they were only Jace x Cregan fics with more Daemyra. And then searching Rhaena led me to Rhaemond, and there were like 20 fics or so and I read them all, and then I came here for more fics but realized that between the Sirius Black tag and the Velaryon Strong!Reader tag and Visenya lives/Daemon's OC daughter that it would be near impossible to get an actual black reader, Velaryon reader, Rhaena, Baela or woc OC fic, and I was like "FFS, how did this fandom get worse? This is 2023!" and I decided on shipping rhaemond out of spite.

[ilikeyoshi]

hiiii sorry about last night! i got some pretty scary news from the doctor at about 6pm, and over the course of the night it all was just kinda sinking in and i got very upset and scared. i'm feeling much better this morning, and i'll be starting a new medication soon to help prevent the issue from escalating, so i'll be okay too!

that's all i wanted to make sure everybody heard, but if friends are interested in more specifics, i've talked about it more under the cut.

<3

the short of it is, i found out last night i have a significantly elevated risk for strokes and heart attacks, at age 29. you can imagine how scary that is to find out from a blood test you AND your doctor expected to come back with nothing interesting, lmao.

it's serious enough that my doctor wants me to start a new medication immediately, without even seeing me in his office first. i've agreed to this after a cursory bit of my own research on the to-be-prescribed medication, as well as talking to my mom, who also happens to take a medication in this category.

i usually prefer to discuss new meds thoroughly with my doctor or psychiatrist before starting them, but of course, the fact i'm being offered the option of starting immediately, and the nature of what it's meant to prevent, kinda more than justifies throwing that standard to the wind. i do have an appointment with him next month to talk about the overall situation in greater detail, and i intend to discuss how the meds are treating me by then as well!

as is apparently a theme in my family, i have these risks without any significant signs of the overall conditions that would normally cause them. my father went through the same thing, via lung cancer despite never smoking and never having significant asbestos exposure in his construction career—obviously lung cancer can happen anyway, but lacking any of the common causes for it is rarer. naturally, i have achieved a similar issue; the elevated risks i have would most commonly be associated with diabetes and hypothyroidism. obviously, i intend to look into both of these with my doctor more, but so far nothing indicates signs of either condition.

sooooo basically: i'm okay! nothing that's an emergency Right Now, but something that could BECOME an emergency basically any time. i'm already looking into memorizing the early signs of heart attack and stroke in my body type, and i'm considering taking a CPR class in the near future and inviting my mom and sister, as they're the people i'm most likely to be with should something go really wrong. fortunately, i was at the doctor in the first place for a physical, and my heart sounds great!

i have another round of bloodwork scheduled in march to see how much the new meds are helping. i'm also, on a slower scale due to autism and strength loss complicating things, working on adjusting what i eat and how i exercise. because of the aforementioned reasons, i can't just switch as promptly as i'd like to, but that's why i'm so eager to start this medication. :)

thank you for reading, and for the well wishes on my posts from last night! things are gonna be okay. one step at a time!

[herbgerblin]

Hi Herb!! I was wondering if you had any advice on opening commissions? I enjoy your art immensely and you were one of the first people I thought of to ask since I know you do commissions on occasion

Sorry if this is totally weird, I am just at a complete loss! Thanks for taking the time to read this!

These are things I wish I had figured out when I started selling art commissions. Also, feel free to use my current commission form to pattern your own. (also if anyone >.> wants to commission me, I am open <.<)

Step 1: Write a Terms of Service

Good terms of service will manage the expectations of your clients, establish a level of professionalism, and protect you if someone tries to argue something already made clear in writing. You can keep your ToS really simple, but it's good practice to include the following:

What kind of art you will/won't do (I don't do nfts)

Estimated duration of the project (2-4 weeks is my M.O.)

Number of revisions (more than 3, I add a fee)

When and how often you will update the client

Rights that you retain as an artist/permit to the client

Note: This mainly applies to personal/non-commercial work. If you are approached to make art for a game/magazine/website, do a ton more research. You will need to write out a contract that makes things Boringly Clear, and you will want to retain all of your rights as an artist.

Step 2: PRICES (scream)

Everyone starts out underselling. I'm underselling (I'm trying to get better.) Just go at your own pace. Look at what other artists are offering, but don't just look at the quality of their work. Think about your turnaround time, your style, and your target audience. If you are a fast worker or very detailed, that's worth a pay bump. Niche communities will pay solid money for artists to cater to them. So for example, if you draw fetish art, you have more room to charge higher.

ALWAYS GET PAYMENT UP FRONT. You can offer half upfront and half upon completion. If it's a big or long-term project, it's okay to go 30/70. BUT NEVER START WORK WITHOUT SOME SORT OF COMPENSATION. I just had a client that has not paid me the 2nd half and they are blacklisted. This rarely happens but it does happen.

Once you think you've got a price chart you feel comfortable with, add $20. Do it, even if it feels wrong. You may have to pay transaction fees, or the work (often) takes longer than expected. It'll be a small mercy to yourself to account for these things. Raise your prices a little bit each year because you are growing in experience and inflation (scream) is a thing that affects the arts too.

Step 3: INTEGRATE AND AUTOMATE

I wish I had done this step years ago, but I slacked off, and therefore staying organized was a nightmare. The less "business" stuff you have to do manually, the more time you can focus on "creative" stuff.

Make a google form. Make it as easy for the client to input information as possible. In the settings, set it so that responses will go to an excel file. The questions you ask will be the titles of the fields, so keep them short and easy to read. Reference image attachments will save to google drive.

You can set it up so that you will get an email whenever you get a new response (you might want to make a separate email account specifically for commissions.) Prewrite confirmation responses and save them as templates so that you're not writing the same email to clients over and over again.

Set reminders for responding to clients, requesting payment, and finishing work. This can be through google calender or some other app. You are responsible for facilitating communication. Even if the email is just, "Hey, just letting you know the work is still in progress, I will send you a wip in 1-2 days." Client assurance is high priority.

I use paypal invoice for payments. It means I have to pay a transaction fee, but I factor that into my prices. It also ensures that I have clear documentation for orders, I can send reminders easily if I haven't been paid, and it just looks more professional overall. You can use whatever service feels most comfortable, just make sure you practice good bookkeeping (*stares at my taxes in horror*)

Step 4: Mockups and Descriptions

Provide examples of the work that you are going to. Make a mockup of busts/half body/full body, etc. Don't include anything you don't intend to actually produce.

Make sure that your form includes room to answer EVERY question about the commission that you might have. This will reduce the amount of back and forth you need to have with your client. You want to be able to get that request, confirm it, send that invoice, and jump on it ASAP.

Step 5: Start small, be honest, be firm

If you haven't done commissions before, have a limited number of slots available. Take break time after you've finished a certain amount. Don't languish over an art piece. At some point, it will be as done as it can be. Send it to the client, and keep rolling.

If you feel like you are getting overwhelmed, tell your client. It's bad practice to go on hiatus and not notify them while they're waiting on an update. If you genuinely forget to touch base with them, do so as soon as possible. Apologize, then finish the work as soon as you can. Refund if you think that's the most polite route, but completing the task is usually more appreciated.

Be cordial, but firm. People will try to bully you over little things, but don't give in. Ignore folks who say your prices are too high. Make it clear that if they ask for more than what is agreed, you will charge a fee. If you feel like a request is sketchy, get a second opinion.

obligatory paypal link: help me pay kravitz jr's vet bills

[definitelynotafurinasimp]

helloooo can i request kujou sara, yae miko and ei x reader where the reader is always happy and never shows any negative emotions but they recently lost a loved one so they come up to them and just hug them & asks to be hold without saying anything? sorry for the detailed request and have a nice day!! i love your writing very much btw💖💖💘💘💘💕💕💕

Them comforting a reader that's usually always happy

characters: Kujou Sara/Yae Miko/Ei x gn!reader (seperate)

warnings: Hurt/comfort, mentions of death

a/n: I'm starting to get the feeling, that I'm getting the hang of writing for those three characters, at least I hope so, since now it would seem even more stupid if I wrote them the wrong way. Also, this isn't the oldest request I got that wasn't finished yet, so for those that reqeusted something and have to wait a little longer, I made a small anouncement here. So check it out if you're interested.

Anyway, hope you enjoy!

Kujou Sara

The general knew all to well how it felt to loose people close to you. Regretfully that was part of her job. At the same time, seeing soldiers break because of it also wasn’t a rarity. But when she heard of one of your parents death, she somehow foolishly expected you to handle it in the same way you handled every bad situation fate had thrown you into, so when she opened the door to your shared home and saw you wrapped in blankets, while crying on the couch, she froze.

When you heard the door creakingly open, you face instantly turned in it’s direction and you quickly tried to hide your tear-stained cheeks. But it was to no avail as seeing as Sara had frozen up was enough evidence that she had seen you cry. When she slowly and a little awkwardly approached you and sat down next to you, you didn’t waste any time to hug her as tight as possible.

“I’m sorry, I can’t really comfort you with words, but if there’s anything that I can do for you, please just say so”, Sara offered after a long period of silence, before placing her chin on your head. You simply shook your head before answering.

“Just hold me, that would be enough.”

Yae Miko

The last time Yae had lost anyone important to her, was when Ei decided to shut herself into her Plane of Euthymia, but that was different from your loss. The Archon didn’t die and eventually came back, but humans tended to stay dead. When she had heard that you came to visit her at the shrine, she instantly went to greet you. And while she planned to privately tease you as she always did, when she saw your face full of grief, her playful attitude quickly died down.

Miko had no time to react as you threw yourself at her and instantly hugged her tight, you eyes still obviously being red from having cried earlier. You didn’t care that the two of you were still in public, you just felt as if you wouldn’t be able to take it any longer. Yae quickly took you into her room where the two of you sat down. Your grip not loosening for even a second.

“You have some nerve to hug me in public like that”, she said and while her words may have sounded harsh, she somehow managed to say them in a caring voice. But your grip loosened nonetheless.

“I’m sorry”, you apologized once you calmed down a little bit and trusted yourself to not break into tears again, only for Miko to tighten her grip on you and softly pet your head.

“I never allowed you to apologize. You humans tend to get emotional in moments like that, but you’re my human, so I’ll allow it.”

Ei

Ei had lost people important to her much more frequently than she would like to, but unlike her, you didn’t have an entire dimension to lock yourself into. Not like she would want you to do so, since she had finally decided to leave the Plane of Euthymia behind and face the future. So when she hadn’t seen you for a couple of days and started worrying about you, she decided to visit your home, only to instantly get tackled by you. Just instead of it being a joyful one, like she was used from you, this one practically screamed for comfort.

Ei had just managed to close the door before you had embraced her in a tight hug. She didn’t need to look at your face to know how you were feeling, since all the tissues lying around made it evident that you were crying for days. Instead of saying anything, she returned your hug and started petting your back.

“Sorry for how it looks right now”, you apologized in a low voice once the tears finally stopped rolling down your cheeks and you were able to form a coherent sentence again.

“That’s not important. Let’s focus on making you feel better, I wont leave until I see your typical smile on your face, a genuine one. If I have to, I’ll be here until the end of eternity.”

[milkymoon2483]

The Blue Elephant

Push & Pull - Episode 1 Frank Castle X Plus Size Jewish OFC

Series Masterlist | Next Episode

Summary: DBF but dad’s dead. Your’e going back to your small town for your father’s funeral and Shiva. You know you’re about to face family drama but what worries you the most is that you’re going to see HIM.

Disclaimers: 

This episode mentions a 14 year old girl having an UNRECIPROCATED crush on a much older man. HE SEES HER AS A CHILD at this point. 

I’m Jewish (and plus size) but I do not live in the US, so there might be some differences in the way certain things are done and some inaccuracies. My apologies. 

Yes this is self indulgent because I’m feral for this man.

I’m secular and will not be discussing Judaism in length. Will explain some basics though that are mentioned in the story.

Rating: E.18+. MINORS DNI.

Warnings: Teenage crush on a much older man, Mentions of alcoholism, divorce, trauma, plus size reader, insecurities, age gap, violence, sex, food, and probably a bunch of other stuff. This is a little dark. WC: ~3300

Thank you my lovelies. @romanarose @hbc8 @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @boysddontcry @imaswellkid

The blue elephant.

Your phone rang in an ungodly hour, waking you up from a dream you had forgotten as soon as you opened your eyes.  8:15 AM. Who dares calling you this early on semester break?! 

"Hello, am I speaking to Hannah Friedman?" 

"Hi, yes, who is this?" You answered, barely recognizing your own voice that was hoarse with sleep.  

"Miss Friedman, my name's Michael Katz, I was your father's attorney. I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm calling regarding his will." 

Confusion flooded you, and for a moment you were sure the man calling had the wrong number.

Suddenly your heart dropped, the true meaning of his words not fully sinking into your skull just yet. 

"Miss Friedman….?" His voice tried to break the long pause. 

"Yeah, I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

"I'm calling regarding your father's will, since he passed away…" 

"Shit. Sorry, I just…I didn't know. Shit. When did it happen?" 

Your father was dead.

Michael Katz, bless his heart, apologized profusely for the terrible way you had to find out. He proceeded to explain everything in great detail, making sure to schedule a meeting with you as soon as you got into town for his funeral. He died in the early hours of the previous evening. Cirrhosis complications after years of excessive drinking, that’s what finally did him in, a part of you was surprised he lasted that long. 54 years old at the time of his death, Saul Friedman was a sick man, and not much of a father to begin with. A recovering alcoholic at the best of times, he rarely called or took much interest in your life, despite living 45 minutes away. 

When you turned twelve things changed for the better, after bumping into you on a trip to a local supermarket with your mom and her new boyfriend, he suddenly felt an urgent need to get sober, and get to know you better. Your mother agreed, she took less convincing than both of you had anticipated. You ended up visiting more, and staying for a few weeks each summer, the community pool around the corner being your main incentive. Your relationship was never able to fully recover, but you both tried your best. You’d often say you loved him but sometimes didn’t really like him. 

Your mother was his second wife, and after three years of marriage and one kid, they divorced, very much non-amicably, leaving a trail of wreckage behind them.  You were thankful that you were just a toddler, too young to truly understand how deeply they've wounded each other clawing their way out of what your mother described to be the ‘worst three years of my goddamn life’.  You'd often wonder, had she not been jewish, would she be saved from the displeasure of ever marrying him in the first place. Your grandparents must have insisted on him having jewish children, and according to Halacha*, their mom had to be one. 

You remembered the last time you visited him, the visit was cut short when you caught him drinking again. “ You don't get to preach me” he lashed out at you,  “You’re a bitch just like your mother”. 

You left abruptly after that, not willing to take more of his crap. At that point you were visiting for him, because you felt obligated to do that. That sense of obligation was gone.

He called to apologize a few weeks later, but the dry conversation left much to be desired. Since then you’ve called and texted occasionally, but you never came to visit again, coming up with various excuses to avoid it. 

Now he was dead.

"At least he knew when to die.." you later told your best friend, Grace. He had the sensibility to pass on right at the beginning of the winter break from college, giving you a good few weeks to deal with it before coming back to school to finish your final year. You could share your appreciation for your fathers morbid timing with Grace, but there was one thing you couldn't. A thought so shameful you smacked it back to where it came from as soon as it surfaced. You refused to acknowledge it, refused to name it, there would be no talking and no thinking of him. Not right now.

It was about as effective as telling yourself not to think about a blue elephant. You kept playing the game of 'whack a mole' with your brain, and kept losing.  Your father was dead, and it took you mere seconds to realize that you’re going to see him.

Summer 2013

You looked at yourself in the water- damaged mirror, it was crooked and filled with specks of rust, large stains of disilvering ate away at your reflection. The one piece purple bathing suit was wet, clinging to your form, accentuating the awkward lumpiness of your chest and belly under the harsh fluorescent lighting. Your mother picked it out with you, from the sale rack in TJmaxx’s women’s department. That miserable shopping trip almost made you cry. Most of them did. Your adolescent body didn't look right, didn't feel right. It was all too much, too round, too full. You’d follow your much smaller mother around the shops, gradually losing hope with every one you passed, settling eventually on another trip to Starbucks. An iced vanilla latte was sure to cheer you up.  You took solace in your sunglasses, rimmed in a bright red thick frame. The ones you nagged your dad into buying you, they made you feel cool. As cool as you could, that is. A piece of 'coolness' that belonged to you. You placed them on your nose with a slight sense of pride, heading out of the bathrooms. 

Your eyes searched for him immediately, finding him lounging on one of the sun-beds. Alone. Walking as inconspicuously as you could, you sat on the bed next to him, pretending not to notice him. You dove head first into your bag, looking for your phone. don’t look at him, don't look at him. Your thoughts raced, desperately hoping that he would be the one to look at you.

You've known Frank for a couple of years, as your dad's friend and neighbor. He would often join you for Shabbat dinner, bringing a bottle of a non- alcoholic beverage or some fruit. He was younger than your dad but you weren't sure by how much.

You’ve always found him hot, it was impossible not to, with his sharp jaw and boyish smile. He was tall and broad and handsome. You nursed your little secret crush on him, getting excited and giddy every time he came to visit, not daring to mention to anyone that you even found this old man so attractive.

This, however, was the first time you’ve seen him shirtless, and your fourteen year-old self could not handle the sight. You gawked at the grown man uncontrollably, your gaze hidden only by your ‘cool’ sunglasses.  The biceps, the pecs, the broadness of his shoulders and the way his torso tapered into his waist. The dip of his spine, the muscles of his back, the way the droplets of water clung to his skin and made it glisten…it all made your brain short- circuit, melt under the fog of hormones.

“Hey kiddo, I like the sunglasses” He suddenly said, in a tone more cheerful than you’d expected.

“Thanks” you muttered. It took your poor brain a few attempts to signal your mouth to smile. You hated it when he called you ‘kiddo’. You wished it would be ‘sweetheart’ or ‘darling' or ‘doll’.

“Can I try them on?” he smirked.

You handed them to him without a word, scrunching your face at the sun. Youv'e learned that it is often better to say nothing rather than risk embarrassing yourself. 

Frank put them on, they looked ridiculous of course, the bright red cat-eye was in sharp juxtaposition to his purely masculine features. He chuckled and pulled on the temple tips behind his ear- bouncing them on his large nose, causing you to giggle. 

"There she is! Don't be so serious all the time, kiddo. Have some fun" he smiled and handed them back to you, the tip of his finger brushing against yours. Never washing my hands again. You decided, as he got up and headed towards the pool. Your eyes followed him as usual, admiring the broadness of him. 

The water was buzzing with activity, and all you could think about is how much you'd love it to be empty. It was far too crowded to swim, but it did allow you to keep staring uninterrupted. 

The friendly game of 'throw the ball as hard as you can and cause the biggest splash' was on. Your dad had your cousin  Jacob on his shoulders, the scrawny nine year old was doing quite a bit of damage, landing a throw so accurate it splashed violently all across Frank's face. 

Frank shook the water off, spotting you in the corner of the pool, and swam right towards you. "Come on Hannah banana, I need your help, let's get em' " he smiled widely, and before you had a chance to respond he dove underneath you. 

The gravity beneath you shifted as he began lifting you up from the water. You yelped loudly and grabbed tightly at the head that popped up between your legs, trying to steady yourself. 

You haven't done this since you were seven, when you were light enough to be held on anyone's shoulders, but Frank lifted you up effortlessly, like you weighed nothing, like it was no trouble at all. 

Your thighs squeezed against his neck and shoulders. The ball somehow landed in your hands but all you could think about were franks palms, gripping your legs tightly, keeping you firmly on him. A heady mixture of emotions stirred in your belly. The fear of falling into the pool, mixed with the exhilaration of Frank's hands on your thighs. You could see his large fingers pressing into your flesh, and it was making your head spin. 

You threw the ball as hard as you could, landing a pretty decent splash on your aunt's face. She laughingly demanded her son 'avenge her'. A few more splashes and Jacob came face to face with you, attempting to push you off Frank's shoulders. The poor kid clearly underestimated your determination, and promptly landed in the water, ass first. Frank cheered you on, patting his large palm on your leg before letting you fall into the pool with a little nudge. You emerged from the water laughing, the adrenaline coursing through your veins so potent you could not stop, giggling almost uncontrollably as it sizzled through you.  "Yeah! We win! suck it!" Frank's arms wrapped around you in a tight hug, your body reciprocated before your mind had a chance to catch up, squishing your cheek against his chest. It was over before you even realized. A quick innocent congratulatory hug, that pressed you against his solid frame that towered over you, sending your already overstimulated brain into a tailspin.

*******

You remembered that day vividly, in detail, every part of your visit to the pool was etched into your mind. It was like a switch flipped, or a wire was plugged in, sometimes you likened it to a detonation of a bomb.  It confused you at first, you were flooded with something so potent that it took you a while to recognize what that was. The tingling sensation between your thighs was familiar, but it was never this intense.  The deep shameful truth was that from that day forward, Frank Castle was responsible for the vast majority of your orgasms, without touching you once. It horrified you at first, especially when you learned that he was 19 years older than you. You were disgusted with yourself, with the thoughts that kept getting increasingly more explicit as you aged. It didn’t matter if you were touching yourself or having sex with someone else. It didn’t matter how it started, it would almost always end with him. His voice, his hands, his face, thinking about him was the sure fire way of making yourself cum. 

You hated yourself for thinking about him right now, on the way to your fathers fucking funeral. It was like a pavlovian response you could not shake. You were equal parts hoping you'd see him and dreading the thought of facing him. It’s been three years since you saw him last, and something changed that day.

Hanukkah 2019

The snow was piling outside, a wintery scene in complete contrast to the heat in your dad's kitchen. You were with your aunt Deborah, Jacob’s mom.  She always loved it when you came to visit, she loved it especially when she got to spend time cooking with you. Being a boy-mom, they never took interest in her cooking. You however loved it, your mother was never much of a cook and this was your chance to learn from a true expert. You were making Sufganiyot* for Hanukkah. The jewish bakery made them well, but Aunt Deborah’s were divine. Something about adding buttermilk to the dough.

When Frank came that day it wasn’t planned. “Deb, are you making the jewish doughnuts again? I can smell it all the way across my yard, you’re killing me” his voice boomed as he entered the house. Your heart skipped. You were in your apron, covered in flour, and very much unprepared to see the man you harbored a weird sexual obsession towards. 

“Come in Frank, they’re still hot” Deborah replied as she met him at the door, and Frank's heavy boots marched straight to the kitchen.

“Oh, hey there Hannah banana” he greeted you fondly, giving you a small wave. 20 years old, and still "Hannah banana"... 

“Hey Frank” you waved back, not taking your eyes off the man. 

He plucked a fresh warm Sufgania off the tray, covered in powdered sugar, with a little dollop of red jam on top. “Mmmm come here baby” he growled and stuffed his face into the soft dough, taking a huge bite, muttering “oh my god” and rolling his eyes back in pleasure. This man will be the death of you.

Frank chewed in delight as you tried not to laugh at him, his nose was covered in powdered sugar and jam. He looked back at you, fully aware of the dire situation of his face. “What? What?? I got something on my face?” he smirked, prompting you to giggle.

“Come here Kiddo, you have to taste this”.

He began to slowly advance towards you, before fully chasing you around the kitchen with the Sufgania in hand. You squealed, ‘trying’ to get away from him and ‘failing’. When he finally caught you and cornered you against the wall, he stuffed the remaining dough in your face. You laughed hysterically while attempting to clean your face from the sugar and jam, wiping a small drop from the corner of your mouth with your thumb, and sucking the finger, looking up at Frank through your lashes. Your eyes met at that exact moment, and for a beat you both got quiet. Too quiet.

His laughter faded into a polite smile almost instantly, as he backed off and walked out of the kitchen. 

He never touched you again after that day. He was not even around for the rest of your visit. You saw him once more, just when you were leaving back to college. Instead of the usual goodbye hug he settled for a wave and a “Bye kiddo”, shortly disappearing back into the house. 

Maybe he saw something in your eyes, something inappropriate that shouldn’t have been there in the first place. Maybe that’s when he realized that every time he touched you was like pouring gasoline into a raging fire. Maybe things could have been different, if only you were older, thinner, sexier…not just Saul’s chubby awkward kid. 

It only took a second, one fucking second for Frank to notice what was right in front of him this whole goddamn time. One look into your soft eyes, One flick of pink tongue on your finger, and it was all clear. The thought traveled so fast from his cock to his brain he barely stopped it in time, running out of that kitchen as fast as humanly possible. You were just a kid, Saul’s kid. It was obviously sick to think about you in any other capacity. 

He remembered the time you all went ice skating, how he held your little hand when you kept stumbling and falling. The time when he took you for your first unofficial driving lesson just before you turned 16, in the empty supermarket parking lot. The time when you called him looking for your dad, he told you he’s probably asleep, and you began crying because you knew what that meant.

Were you looking at him like that the entire time? You had no fucking business looking at him like that. How dare you look at him like that.

*******

You had just a few hours to get ready and make the trip back into your hometown for the funeral the following morning. Knowing how jewish funerals worked you weren't surprised, most are buried within 48 hours of passing. 

Just a 3 hour trip from college, it felt like a different planet. You looked out of the frosted car window as Deborah was driving you both to her house, where the shiva* would be held. The snow fell softly and the storefronts decorated for Christmas gave your small town a charming cozy atmosphere. You could almost forget where you were headed. 

Beth Moses cemetery was eerily foggy, the two dozen people who had gathered for your father’s funeral were murmuring almost silently to each other. 

“You shouldn’t have worn that. And take that lipstick off, this is not a party.” your mother whispered as loudly as she possibly could, not taking into consideration that her voice carried. “Cover yourself up, here take my scarf” , you let her drape the back scarf over you, covering the dark gray sweater dress you were wearing under your coat, the one she deemed inappropriate because it showed some cleavage and clung to your belly a little too much for her liking. 

“Well, thanks for the kriah* I won’t be wearing this again after this week, mother” you replied sarcastically. Even though sarcasm never seemed to work on that woman, she was immune to your snide comments, nothing could penetrate the thick layer of self righteousness she wore like her favorite garment the whole fucking time.

“Hey Han”  Your heart skipped a beat at the sound of the familiar deep voice. He appeared before you almost instantly, mercifully tearing your attention from your mother and her constant disapproval. He leaned in for a polite hug, the scent of his cologne flooding your senses, spicy and crisp. He looked the same, just like you remembered and envisioned thousands of times. Same intense dark eyes, same strong jaw, same boxer's nose that you adored. 

“How have you been?” he asked, his voice quiet and grave.

“Hey Frank, I’m ok, yeah..” you replied, robotically, still a little shocked to see him again. 

"Jackie…" he acknowledged your mother with a nod, before proceeding to greet other members of the family. 

The small crowd surrounded the newly dug grave, muttering “amen” with the rabbi as he read the Kadish*. The vapor from their mouths like a silent choir in the cold.

Sunshine broke briefly through the clouds as Saul Friedman’s casket was lowered into the earth. There was something pathetic about how small it looked, and your heart wrenched at the sight. Debora’s silent tears prompted your own but you sniffled, looking up, not allowing them to escape. “Shalom aba” you mumbled as you placed a small stone on the mound of soil that now covered him…

FIN.

Series Masterlist | Next Episode

Halacha - Jewish scripture. According to the rules in order for a person to be considered Jewish their mother needs to be Jewish. (according to Orthodox Judaism) Shiva - “Seven” - a period of seven days after the funeral when the family mourns the death. People often come to visit several times during the shiva. Kriah - “Tearing” - When a next of kin dies, the nuclear family members (parents, children, siblings) have their garments torn, to symbolize mourning. The garment is discarded after the shiva. Sufganiyot - (Singular: Sufganya) - Jewish doughnuts, served on Hanukkah. Traditionally filled with jam and topped with powdered sugar.  Kaddish - A prayer said during the jewish funeral.  Shalom Aba - “Goodbye dad” 

Comments and reblogs are always appreciated.

If you'd like to be tagged in this series or in general please let me know.

[firesign23]

I am so sorry you are not having fun anymore, is there anything we could have done? But thank you for the Heads Up and also thank you for the reminder to always immediatly download everything I want to keep re-reading! Are you absolutely sure you don't want to do the orphaning option, so more new people can find joy in your work in the future? And you don't have to curate anything, you can just ignore it! (I have no experience with orphaning my work, but I believe that's how it would work?)

So, first of all, thank you (and everyone else) for the lovely messages. This response might be a little long and I apologise in advance for that.

My reasons for planning this deletion are not, really, about not having fun with it anymore, because I am still foolishly besotted by these noble idiots. It's been on my mind for a few months for various reasons, and honestly the specifics aren't super important and until recently were outweighed by the good parts of participating in the fandom. But once that balance began to tip, I took a few days serious contemplation to make sure this was the route I wanted to take, consider alternatives, etc and reach the conclusion before making any mention of it, even to friends. Because the absolute last thing I wanted to do was enter into a cycle of… validation, I suppose? where I feel bad and people say nice things and then I kick the underlying issue down the line and repeat the cycle. A few very long time followers (well before JB) might recall exactly why this is on my radar. It's not a good or healthy way to approach fandom. I debated posting about the deletion at all, for fear of that same cycle, but as someone absolutely awful at downloading I have mourned so many fics lost to me and decided it's what I would prefer from another author.

As for orphaning, I am generally hugely in favour of it over the deletion. I am often the person making sure people know it's available, because it's a great option! In this case, the loss of control (we'll be coming back to this in a moment) over my work was definitely not the route I wanted to go. I considered anonymising them all instead, but that wasn't actually a solution to my specific problem.

Here's where it gets… well, I don't want to say interesting. 😂 But psychological, I suppose. I made this decision the way I usually make decisions. Matters were weighed up, factors thought through, I made sure it wasn't an impulsive choice. We've all got brain gremlins and this is how I make sure mine are not calling the shots, because they're dicks. And I posted yesterday very confident that it was the best option.

Enter: one asshole (my husband) (affectionate(mostly))

Because he pointed out (far less articulately than I am going to now, but damn if he didn't nail it) that if I really had been considering it for months and not yet acted, was I sure I wasn't doing this in reaction to the Grandmother Situation? My grandmother, beloved, died recently. Tumblr isn't the place for all the details, but suffice to say it has been a clusterfuck, as deaths in families often are, and it has been made significantly worse by the fact I am a continent away and have absolutely no way of dealing with the fallout. And, well, "Exerting control via social withdrawal to deal with the complete lack of control elsewhere" is… plausible. Having one's art shared, anonymously or not, is exposing. And usually that's one of the real joys of fandom, but when you're already exhausted and worn thin by Drama even a pebble in your shoe can be A Lot.

What does that mean? Honestly, I don't know. It doesn't mean that I was wrong in my conclusions. It doesn't mean that I won't delete the fics. It does mean that I will be putting a pin in the deletion plan until the Grandmother Situation gets a little less ridiculous and I can re-evaluate though, and I'm not sure how long that will take. It's really fucking ridiculous. Some real Lannister drama on a redneck budget.

I do still recommend people make sure anything they want to keep is downloaded in the near future, and if I do delete and you have missed a fic you're welcome to message me and I will send a copy. And maybe, instead, I'll find my equilibrium and not delete at all. That's going to be something I have to figure out myself. But there is some absolute joy in this fandom, and whatever I end up doing I'm very glad to share it with you all

[canirove]

Meu Amor | Chapter 9

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Masterlist

“Someone left this for you downstairs” Hugo says as he walks into the room where Taylor, Charlie and I are working, a huge bouquet of red roses on his hands.

“Charlie?” Taylor asks.

“Not me. Sorry” he says with an apologetic smile.

“It’s for her” Hugo says, leaving it in front of me. “There is a note too.”

“A note that has been opened” I notice. “Were you checking if they were from the mysterious guy?”

“Why would I do that?” he says, crossing his arms over his chest.

“You said he didn’t exist.”

“Well, it looks like he does exist. Enjoy your flowers.”

As he leaves, I open the note.

Happy Valentine’s Day

-🐱

“Aww, cute” Taylor says behind me.

“I don’t know where I’m gonna put them, there are so many… Do you want half of them?”

“They are your Valentine’s Day gift!”

“I know. But do you see me on the bus carrying them all?”

“I brought my car today. I can give you a ride if you want” Charlie offers.

“See? Problem fixed” Taylor says with a big smile.

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"Look at you, attending his games like wags do."

"I'm not a wag."

"Yet. I totally see him asking you to make it official tonight after the game. He likes doing things right, he takes it seriously" Taylor says while she drives me to the station to get my train up to Manchester.

"We are not meeting after the game, I already told you. We'll do it tomorrow morning."

"Then tomorrow morning, while having breakfast at his house. Because that is the plan, right?"

"Yes, that's the plan."

"You better share all the details when you come back."

"As if I could avoid that" I say, rolling my eyes.

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"Welcome back, my lady" Rúben says, opening the door of his house.

"Thank you very much, sir" I reply, giggling like an idiot.

"I've missed you" he says, hugging me from behind and kissing my neck, sending a wave of heat through my body.

"I've missed you too.”

"I got you your favorite pain au chocolat. Among other things" he says, grabbing my hand and making me follow him to the kitchen.

"Oh, wow. All that is just for us?" I say when I see the table. It's a spread like the ones you see on magazines or on Instagram, and we have everything you could think of, from orange juice, coffee and tea, to pastries, fruit and toasts.

"It is. But it's a post-match day, and they say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. So I don't think much of it will be left."

And he's not wrong. When we are tired of eating, only some pieces of fruit and the pastries are left. But because he didn't eat any.

"I must take care of this body, remember?" he says, teasing me. "Only super duper healthy things go in."

"Your loss" I shrug. "Rebecca and Taylor will enjoy them for you."

"I'm sure they will. But now that the sun is out... Would you like to go for a walk?"

"I would love that."

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"Rúben, are you ok? You haven't said a word since we left the house."

"I'm fine, don't worry" he says, giving my hand a little squeeze. "Just thinking."

"About what?"

"Us."

Oh shit.

"Us?"

"Yes, us. I was planning on saying all this somewhere a bit more romantic, not in the middle of the street but..."

Shit, shit, shit.

"In case you haven't noticed, I like you. A lot. And this, us…" he says, now grabbing both my hands on his. "I want it. I want to be with you. Like properly, like boyfriend and girlfriend. Because it's not just that I like you a lot. I'm also falling in love with you."

He said it. Holy shit, he said it. Someone send help!

"I..." I mumble, my brain still trying to process everything he just said. "I..." I don’t know what to say, so I kiss him. That's all I'm able to do. I kiss him as if he was air and I needed him to breathe.

"Should I take that as a yes, then?" he says when we are able to break apart. "Would you be my girlfriend?"

"Yes" I say. "Because I also like you a lot. And I'm also falling in love with you."

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After a making out session in the middle of the sidewalk, we go back to his house, both us being on cloud nine.

"I should probably go do a little workout and some stretching, I don't want your friend Pep to be mad at me" Rúben says.

"Can't we stay like this on the sofa for a little longer? Just cuddling?" I say, hugging him tighter.

"We’ll have time for that later."

"But my train leaves at 6."

"We'll have plenty of time after lunch. We can even have a siesta."

"Do you also take siestas in Portugal?" I ask.

"In my family we do, yes. Now, can I get free of your koala hug and go get changed?"

"If you want to be free, you must pay first."

"And what is the price?" he asks, giving me the Simone Biles smile.

"Oh, just a kiss. But it must be a really good one."

"I'll do my best."

Spoiler alert: it was a really good kiss.

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"Instead of staring, you could join me" Rúben says while doing some ab exercises.

"I didn't bring work out clothes. And besides" I say, leaning on the door's frame. "Staring is more entertaining."

"If you say so" he says, getting up and moving to another machine. Who knew watching someone work out could be this sexy.

"I thought you said it was a little work out and then some stretching" I say when I see him changing his mind and moving to pick up a couple of dumbbells the size of my head.

"This is a little work out" he says. But I barely hear him, my eyes focused on his arms and the way his biceps are popping. If it wasn't because I'm leaning on the door, I'll probably be on the floor. "Are you sure you don't want to give it a try?" he asks again, putting the dumbbells down and walking towards me.

"I'm fine. I'll stick to my yoga."

"We can do yoga next time" he says, stopping in front of me.

"I've always wanted to do couples yoga. I'm sure there are routines or exercises on YouTube."

"Sounds like a plan. But before I keep going, can you help me with something?"

"Anything.”

"Can you help me take off my shirt?"

"I'm sorry, you want what?" I think my brain just had a short-circuit.

"I want my girlfriend to help me take off my shirt. I’m too sweaty and I'm starting to feel a bit uncomfortable."

"Can't you do it on your own?"

"I can. But I want you to do it for me." He wants me to do it for him. Me. Me! "Are you going to help me or not?" he asks, arching an eyebrow.

"Of course, boyfriend" I say, my body and brain finally remembering how to work. I try to take his shirt off without touching him too much, knowing that if I do, I'll probably faint. But it isn't as easy as I thought, the fabric sticking to his skin and his muscles. His muscles. Like those chiseled abs he has and that can't be real. Though they are. They are very real, and I'm touching them. With my fingers. I am touching Rúben Dias abs with my fingers.

"Thank you very much, girlfriend" he says once he is completely topless, going back to another machine.

"Anytime" I say, his t-shirt still on my hands. And because all of that wasn't enough, the machine he's chosen now is one where you do those chin ups or whatever you call them, making me see his back in all his glory.

"You are a walking thirst trap, Rúben Gato Dias" I say under my breath. And he knows it. He definitely knows it.

[moonlit-imagines]

Pent Up

Helmut Zemo x reader

warnings: death, slight self inflicted injury to reader, anxiety attack, blood mention, alcohol

a/n: i FINALLY got around to writing this HELLO and sorry it took FOREVER dhshhshsh its 3am as i am starting this lets see where it goes

prompt: anonymous: “Hello, Zemo anon here ! Resending request, hopefully this has more plot details Could I get a one shot please ? Details/Plot stuff/ : This takes place during TFATWS ( the falcon and the winter soldier ). Reader lost some of their family members after some bad guys went after them, Zemo, Sam, and Bucky for revenge. Reader is obviously shaken but they don't have time to grieve properly because they could be in danger. Since reader didn't/doesn't have time to properly grieve for what they lost, they just shove their emotions aside. After the threat is averted, Reader has so much bottled up emotions that they have an anxiety attack/breakdown. They head outside for a walk to try and clear their head but end up punching a wall impulsively. Their hand isn't broken but just swollen and bruised a little. They head back inside ( to zemo's safe house ). Zemo is the only person awake and he immediately can sense that something is wrong. Reader tries to tell them they are fine but he isn't convinced. He, out of pure concern, follows them to their room. He notices they are favoring one of their hand and he goes and gets an ice pack. He comforts them afterwards. Okay, if that's too much, then I'm so sorry omg. My brain can be very weird sometimes. ~ 🖤”

You sat in silence on the jet after hearing the news. “Troubling” was the way you outwardly described it, only because you knew how much was at stake right now. For now, you would only stare down at your feet and wait for the next horrible thing to happen. After a while, Sam had rested his hand on your knee to let you know he was there, but you desperately needed to be kept on track. You couldn’t bare think about it because if you let yourself begin, you’d picture the whole scene, every painstaking moment up until the end. What they saw, what they felt, how you failed them.

You had only been gone from home for a few days, but that was enough for your enemies to know your family was unprotected, completely exposed. Your enemies wanted revenge and they’d gotten it at the worst time. Although, any time would be considered the worst when you lose everything.

You kept trudging along despite the burning pain in your chest from all the emotions you wouldn’t show. Sam, Bucky, Zemo, they could surely imagine your pain. They’d lived through loss, but right now you weren’t interested in any comfort. “Y/N? You wanna talk about it?” Bucky asked you, bringing you back to Earth.

“I don’t need you sharing your therapy tactics, Buck.” You snapped at him and he glanced over at Sam, who just shook his head in an effort to get him to cease. But Zemo wanted to take things into his own hands. This was a pleasant trip for him, he couldn’t let you bring it down.

“You know, y/n,” Zemo turned around and looked at you, who was fighting back tears that would not escape in front of him, “the Avengers murdered my entire family. I know that it hurts, I know you are angry, but you must think clearly and make wise decisions in these next few days, weeks, months, even years.” He explained with some alluding to his own experiences.

“Yeah, I’ll make sure not to frame a war hero for terrorism and murder in order to further my revenge agenda.” You calmly but fiercely replied to the Sokovian and Bucky stifled a laugh, making Sam swat him.

“Alright, enough from you, Zemo. No more talking about murder.” Sam prematurely ended the conversation and just went back to the normal bickering between the three of them to keep the heat off of you. He knew you needed space more than anything. Sam had lost people during his service in the Air Force. It really does sting, and this job doesn’t leave much time for grieving, but this wasn’t the military, you’d get your space and your respect for the time being.

You were quiet for the most part, just letting that blanket of stillness take you over and let you believe that everything would be fine for now. Bucky and Sam kept a good eye on you, making sure that you didn’t lose yourself during this mission.

When you landed in Latvia, you found some solace in the unfamiliarity and calmness of the streets, making private walks your temporary thing and starting immediately. During the walks along the intricately laid stones, you reflected on your mistakes, regretting taking up this mission and feeling guilty for the pain you caused your family.

You made your first round of exploration and went back to Zemo’s safehouse, and upon re-entering you saw Sam and Bucky waiting for you in their usual comforting way.

“Hey! How’re you feeling?” Sam asked you for the tenth time, knowing you wouldn’t answer honestly. He just needed you to know there were people there for you.

“We got you some food.” Bucky handed you a plate of random snacks he’d pulled from the cupboards and walked it over to the table along with a glass of water. “Just sit and eat for a minute. It’ll be good for you.” You sighed and obliged him, sitting down near Zemo and getting crumbs all over his couch.

“You’re—” Zemo nearly commented on said fact, but Sam butt in quickly.

“Ah, ah,” Sam cut him off with a raised finger, “stop talking. Right now.” Zemo rolled his eyes and you continued your snacking for a few minutes, casually asking questions every once in a while.

“Guys, any mission updates yet?” You perked up to ask them and they simply said “no.” They were telling the truth so far, but even if there were, they were a bit hesitant about you joining up. Now, after some things went worse, like the new Captain America finding you four and causing a giant scene in Latvia, you became even more distressed.

You watched a man get executed in front of a crowd. It only reminded you of how your family was hurt and your friends knew it. Sam and Bucky pulled you near as you stared at the scene in shock, clenching onto one of their arms as your pain finally hit you. You had to go and it had to be now. “I’m gonna go take a walk.” You bluntly told them and they both stared at you like you were crazy.

“Right now? Y/N, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.” Sam tried to protest it but you just walked straight away from the bloody scene and they let you. You could handle yourself, for sure, but they still worried for you and your safety. And they had good cause since you ended up having a massive anxiety attack that you simply insisted on walking off. They tried to contact you several times, but you just turned your comms and tracker off and told them you’d be back when you were ready.

You walked dozens of circles around the area until you had felt stable enough to come back, but on the way, you went from anxious to angry, resisting the urge to scream into the night and instead balling up your fist and launching it into a brick wall. Your judgment was quite clouded and throwing your hand into the wall was anything but a good idea, but for a split second it just felt good. The ache afterwards did not, though, as your knuckles bled slightly and your hand began to pulse in a light swell. You stuffed your one hand into your pocket and marched back to the safehouse in a new mood, not much better than before, but at least you were feeling.

You expected them to all be asleep by now, especially considering the day you all had. But Zemo was still awake, sitting beside a small lamp with a glass of whiskey as he watched you enter the building.

“Huh, I thought we had locked that.” He looked into his glass and rocked the ice in it back and forth. “Would you like a drink?” Zemo offered like a true host.

“No.” You growled and tried to find a room to stay in for the night. He noticed the fresh bloodstain that came through your pocket and deduced what may have happened.

“Are you sure? It may help you feel better.” He suggested and you stopped in your tracks, slowly turning to him.

“I. Am. Fine.” You sternly tried to convince yourself and Zemo sighed, setting his glass on a coaster and standing up, cautiously heading toward you as if you were some feral cat he was trying to catch. You took a deep breath and angrily stared at him as he drew closer. Zemo then gently took your hand from your pocket and inspected the irritation.

“You are not a great liar. I’m surprised you used to be a spy.” Zemo poked fun at you and held your hand up in front of your face as you turned your gaze away. “This is not a good idea. This is self harm. I am sorry it has gotten to this point.” He genuinely offered that apology to you and headed towards the refrigerator to grab an ice pack originally meant for his children. That explained why it was shaped like a princess crown. “This should help the swelling. You know, I understand that there are not always bad guys to punch, but the walls of this nice town are not a great substitute.”

“You’re idea of coping is literally bombing UN meetings, don’t comment on my coping mechanisms.” You snatched the icepack and set it on your beating hand.

“I know. I wasn’t saying it was right.” He agreed with you and took a seat back on the couch, right where he left an indentation. “As I mentioned before, I know what it’s like to lose family like that. Suddenly, violently…without a proper goodbye. I’m sure they knew it wasn’t your fault.”

“It was my fault, I was supposed to keep them safe.” You told him as he poured you an optional glass.

“These were adults, as well, right? Ones capacity of defending themselves and their home?” Zemo tried to reason with you, although it was a bit rough. “I figure a smart person like you had a handful of backup plans, as well, just in case you were ever to leave the home in times of trouble like now.” He pointed out and you looked away from him, assuring him that he was on the right track. “Please, sit.” He tapped the couch seat and waited for you to join him willingly.

“Just because there were backups doesn’t mean I can’t feel responsible. Guilty.” You told him as you took the seat he suggested and grabbed the drink.

“I never said you couldn’t.” He replied.

“You implied it.” You shot back.

“I certainly did not mean to.” Zemo frowned. “I felt guilty when my family passed, even if it wasn’t directly my fault. They were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. It hurts to think that, but I had no power after leaving the house.” He explained his grieving process to you a bit, making him feel more human to you. “Grief is not going to be a linear path, and no one can tell you how to grieve, but people will be there for you. Barnes and Wilson, they are here for you. They have shown that.”

“And you?” You looked him in the eye once more.

“In a way, I suppose. It seems I’m your only option in this hour.” Zemo smiled and refilled both of your glasses. “I’d like to add that just because no one can tell you how to grieve does not mean you cannot do something wrong. I am not proud of my actions in Lagos. Barnes was trying to hide and live a normal life away from what he was forced into. Although I do hate you heroes and would very much love if you all died, I took innocent lives that day and I broke up a family. My grief only caused more pain.”

“Glad you see it that way.” You clinked your glasses together and downed the next supply. “I’ll…I’ll get through it. Without killing any innocent people, thank you very much.”

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