#I'm tired of destroying myself just to be ignored over and over again

[oh-koenig-my-koenig]

comforting him

(cw: age gap 25/41; nightterrors, scars from injury, könig is having a shitty day, smoking, a bit of angst maybe, smut nsfw, mdni 18+)

the part before: going for a walk

It isn’t always fun and games, like the first time König had nightterrors while I was sleeping next to him.

The scream that woke me up. My disorientation until I knew what’s going on. His big body shaking next to mine. His arms trying to hold onto something. That something being me. And I talked to him, trying to get him grounded in reality again. Soft words, whatever came to mind.

After a while he calmed down, but he didn’t want to talk about it, which is… understandable.

And it happened again today, his pained shouts pulling me from my sleep. My smaller body hanging onto his bigger, trembling one, almost shoving me off me him when he snaps out of it.

I have to tell him at least five times that I’m okay, that he didn’t hurt me at all, that nothing happened to me. And even then, he doesn’t seem fully convinced.

We both don’t sleep the rest of the night. Just sitting in the living room, listening to music. I get up every time to change the vinyl or flip it to the B-side, then snuggling back into his lap.

He looks exhausted and I just want to take his discomfort away, but I don’t know how. So I just resort to softly stroking over his shoulders and back, calming him like that.

I try not to see the scars that adorn his body, cutting through the tattoos here and there. Sometimes destroying the motive that already was there. Sometimes seeming like they were worked into the design because they already were there before. My hands caress over his warm skin, trying not to linger too long in one spot. To not think about all the injuries, or about him going on another mission. Probably sooner than later.

He always holds me close to him when I sit on his lap. Just tonight it feels a little bit more like he’s holding onto me not the other way around. Not to slip away.

In the morning, I go to work, König slipping back under the covers while I get dressed.

"Get some more rest, hm?", I tell him, caressing over his cheek before giving it a little kiss. "If you can." I don't know what else to say.

He just looks so tired, dark circles under his eyes. For once looking his age – or even older.

He grabs my hand, pressing his lips to my knuckles, grunting softly instead of an answer. I press his fingers before slipping out of his hold and leaving the bedroom, quietly closing the door.

I drive myself to work, yawning a little more than usually while answering emails, getting myself an extra coffee. My mind coming back to him every so often, sighing. Remembering the panic on his face, the empty look in his eyes afterwards. Cut off, inwardly suffering, silent.

When I return home, looking to hug the big guy and give him a big kiss, ask him how he is doing, he is nowhere to be found.

"König?" I call out.

Where is he? I check all the rooms, kitchen and living room at first. There isn't a trace of him, no food cooking on the stove, his glasses set aside next to the book he's currently reading.

Mimi is sleeping on the couch, the little kitty basking in the sun that is falling in through the window.

I think for a moment, almost running upstairs, but no. He wouldn't be up there, he doesn't use the office and I can't hear the shower. So I head downstairs, to the home gym. Usually, he works out while I'm at work, already showered and fresh when I return. But I don't know where else he would be. He surely would have texted me if he had gone out.

I crack the door open a little, peaking my head in. And there he is, wrecking the punching bag that's hanging from the ceiling.

Thud thud thud.

Thwack.

His fists hitting the leather repeatedly, before smacking the palm into it.

The headset is sitting fast on his head, his hair loosely tied together. His shorts tight around his thighs, his muscle shirt sweaty like the rest of him. And I try to ignore how good he looks like that.

His movements come to a halt, seeing me in the corners of his eyes, only doing a half-turn in my direction.

"Hey, how are yo-", I start, but he interrupts me, pushing one of the headphones back.

"What?", he says, louder than necessary and the impatience in his voice startles me.

"I was just-", I repeat, but the look on his face shuts me up as he finally meets my gaze. I feel like I'm intruding, disturbing him when I shouldn't be, and for a moment I don't even know what to say. Startled.

He doesn’t say anything, just stares.

My mouth drops open, hoping the right words come out, but they don't. The way he looks at me... I can't deal with. The simmering anger, the arrogance the way his chin tilts up, the brows more furrowed than I've ever seen them before.

I shake my head, breaking the eye contact for a moment, just to get away from his stare. "Uh, just- I'm sorry for disturbing you.", I finally press out, slipping back, heading out the room again.

Before I turn around, I see the anger on his face dissipate into frustration and something else I can't put my finger on it.

I rush out the door and up to living room, pacing around until Mimi comes up to me, and I pick the kitty up. Snuggling the little furball. Contemplating if it might be better to pack up my stuff. Give him his space.

I shake my head. No, that would be shitty too. Running away because he has a shitty day.

I sigh. I feared that something like that might happen when I was hesitant to go stay with him. And it's not like he shouldn't be allowed to have shitty days. I just don't really know what to do about them. Yet.

I hear steps, heavy thuds on the stairs, coming to a halt, and I turn to look.

He just stands there, on the top stair, almost hitting his head on the staircase above. The headphones around his neck, his hair falling down into his face. Just looking at me, his arms hanging to his sides, his shoulders slumped down. The distance between us too great, but he doesn't dare come closer.

"I'm sorry, Liebes.", he says, his voice hoarse, the words quieter than I would have thought. Defeat and apology in his expression.

I just stand there, looking at him. I mean, I knew he had troubles. The self-imposed lonesomeness. And I'm not talking about staying home a lot, preferring to be by himself. The stuff about his work that he doesn't want to talk about. The nightterrors, just like today. I don't fully believe him when he says, he doesn't have them often.

The scowl on his face when he thinks I'm not looking. The simmering anger that's seemingly always there. Directed at himself rather than the people around him. Well, most of the time at least.

"It's okay.", I finally say.

He shakes his head, making a step forward, just a small one. "It's not." He sighs. "I'm usually better at hiding... it." Another step. "I'm not angry with you, I swear."

I sigh too. I knew that but apparently, I still needed to hear him say it. A soft sad smile stalks onto my face as I come closer until I'm standing before him.

"You shouldn't need to hide it.", I say, snuggling into his chest, pressing myself against him, still holding Mimi.

He closes his arms around me, embracing us both. He's sweaty, but I don't care right now. I need this closeness.

"You're here because I broke your bed, not to babysit a manchild.", he says flatly, but the edge in his words jabbing at himself is still obvious. And I don't want to point out the flaws in them. I’m not here because he broke my bed. This isn't at all what this is about, but he still seems to be in whatever spiral he was just moments ago.

"I'm not.", I answer. "Something is troubling you, that doesn't make you a child nor does me asking you about it make me a babysitter." He doesn't say anything, his arms only hugging me a little tighter. "So... You wanna talk about it?", I ask.

I can feel him hesitate and then shake his head. "No, I'm..." He breaks off. "I just have to deal with it, okay?" He softly strokes over my hair. "You don't need to worry about me."

"But I still do.", I say, softly, finally looking back up at him. I can't stand the defeated look on his face. He averts his eyes, hugging me closer.

And we just stand here in the living room. The three of us in a hug, only our soft breaths cutting through the silence.

Before he breaks it. "I actually got the information on the next mission.", he says, his voice steadier now.

I perk up. "And?"

"I'm leaving next week.", he answers.

I swallow, hard. "Which day?", I want to know, so I can count the days.

"Wednesday." So six days, including today. Shit.

"Okay." I press myself into him, Mimi still in between, and she meows. Tearing me from my dwindling thoughts.

"Oh, I'm sorry, baby.", I coo, pressing a kiss to her head, and she meows again, freeing herself from my hold, jumping down to the floor.

He takes the chance to pull me flush against him. "Me too.", he mumbles into my hair.

My arms wrap around his waist, my hands stroking down his back. Hugging him back, thinking about what to do.

If he doesn't wanna talk about it, then maybe a distraction will help ease his mind. Or at least take his mind off things. And mine too, now that I know he’ll be leaving.

"Some, uh, friends of mine asked if I wanna go out for some drinks.", I start. "We could join them if you want to." The tips of my fingers brushing over his lower back. "We can also stay home, of course, you know – whatever you prefer. But they actually wanted to go to the pub where we met." I smile up at him, remembering that moment when he got my attention with a simple compliment of my bandshirt.

"That..." He hesitates, but returns the smile then, although meekly. "That actually sounds like a good idea."

I get onto my tiptoes to finally get the kiss I came looking for earlier. He meets me halfway, kissing me, and the way his lips feel against mine sets me a little more at ease.

"Shower first?", he says then, his eyes intently on mine.

"Yes, stinky.", I quip which makes him laugh a little before I pull him with me up the stairs.

I hear him sigh behind me, a deep defeated tone, and I stop in my tracks again, but he just lifts me and carries me to the bathroom.

After the shower he looks refreshed, in a fresh band shirt and his favorite pair of cargo pants. Smelling like his usual shampoo, and he even put on a little bit of aftershave.

He's looking a bit more like himself. Especially when he puts on his leatherjacket, flicking his hair back with a trained move of his arm, so it isn't stuck in the collar, but falls down his shoulders.

The frown on his face is still a little more etched in than usually. It lightens up a bit when we sing along to Slipknot's "Before I forget" on the drive to the pub, and even more so when we join my friends there.

After the general introductions we get some drinks and settle down at the table. My hand in his, underneath the tabletop.

"Can I try? Just a sip." He points at my drink, an orangy-red liquid, more sweet than sour.

I pull one eyebrow up. "Sure, but I'm not sure you're gonna like it."

But he already took my glass and gulps half of it down.

My jaw drops. "You said just a sip!", I complain, loudly.

He smiles at me, a lop-sided apology, the smile that never lets me be mad at him, before his face contorts into a grimace. "You were right, I don't like it.", he comments.

The nerve. He sees my exasperated expression and laughs. His big hand grabs the back of my head and he pulls me in to press a big kiss to my cheek, and the public display of affection makes the butterflies in my stomach flutter and my exaggerated exasperation disappear.

"I'll buy you a new one, okay?", he says, pulling away, getting up and heading to the bar.

I shake my head, rolling my eyes, unable to keep the grin off my face. Looking after him, my eyes are panning from his broad shoulders down his back until they land on his tight ass as his hips sway. Blatantly ogling him, but I can't help it.

Robin’s hand on my forearms pulls my attention to them, and they start to tell me about their newest obsession: little, tiny octopuses. They’re showing me pictures and videos of the cute and small creatures when König gets back. He sets the new drink onto the table in front of me, I glance at him, mouthing 'thank you'. And he just winks.

It doesn't take long until he joins the conversation with the younger guys at the table which quickly turns into a trip to the billiard table. And my friends come in all shapes and sizes, still König towers over all of them. His tall stature bending down over the side of the table to line up the ball, sinking it in the right hole with precision. He is an insertion specialist after all.

Robin and I are laughing and giggling, making the stupid jokes we always do, and I’ve almost forgotten about the troubles today, getting myself another drink.

I look over to the guys again and König’s talking to Dan. Bits and pieces I pick up are telling me that they're talking about some soccer teams and matches. I grin to myself because I know how glad Dan must be that he finally got someone around who's interested in that, because none of us are.

He catches me staring at him, the corner of his mouth tipping up in a smirk. I blow him a little kiss before I take my jacket and head out the front door for a smoke.

Moments later, the door behind me croaks and I turn around. The big guy is standing in the entryway, the slightest hint of a smile on his lips.

“You smoke?” His deep voice fills the silence of the breezy night.

I sigh, juggling the bag of tobacco, rolling papers and filters in my hands. “Used to, but sometimes when I’m out with friends… or stressed… I still go for a smoke.”, I answer, a wry apologetic smile stalking onto my face.

He nods like he understands, putting his hand in his pocket, leaning beside me on the wall. A simple gesture, but when it comes to him, I find even the most minute of movements hot.

“Me too, especially when I’m at work… or having one of those days. Like today.”, he says, the smile turning lop-sided, and after a pause adds: “So… Can I have one as well?”

I chuckle, hiding my slight surprise. “Sure. Should I or do you know how to roll one?”, I ask in return.

His extended hand, the palm turned up, and a little tilt of his head are his only answer. I hand him a filter and a rolling paper with some tobacco, getting myself the same items before I put the tobacco baggie back into my purse.

When I turn to him again, my attention gets pulled in by his hands that softly take the little paper, putting the filter on the right side, pushing some of the tobacco in. Taking it between his middlefingers and thumbs, rolling it up in a swift trained motion. The ease with which he does it is impressive, even more so considering how tiny the cigarette is compared to his hands.

Then he lifts it to his mouth, his tongue darting out, licking over the paper in one swift go, to make it stick.

My eyes go wide, my breath halts in my throat, and I have to remember myself that I need to breathe.

He sees my expression which pulls a laugh from him. “Never thought you’d be jealous of a cigarette, hm?”

That pulls me from my trance, I laugh and playfully smack his arm. “Oh, stop it.” I shoot him a look, my eyes sparkling at him while I tease: “I know, I’ll be getting that as soon as we come home.”

He lights his cigarette with the zippo he always carries in the right outer pocket of his cargo pants, taking a drag and blowing the smoke into the air. “Don’t you know it.”, he says, the devilish smirk coming out. His hand drops down, pinching my butt playfully, and I yelp a little bit, almost dropping my unrolled cigarette.

“König!” But he just grins down at me.

Then I finally manage to roll it, stick the filter end between my lips and search for my lighter.

“Here, let me.”, he says, holding out the zippo in front of my face, the clank of metal and then the familiar snap, before a little flame burns at the top.

I shoot him a thankful look and lean forward until the flame catches on and the cigarette burns. I take the first drag, inhaling it deeply.

He puts the lighter away again, and I fall against him, resting my head against his chest while his arm drops around me, pulling me into him. Sharing this moment together while we smoke our cigarettes.

“To think that this all started because I complimented you on your shirt…”, he says, seeming a little bit caught up.

I laugh, the light sound getting carried away into the quiet night sky. “Is a little crazy, right?”

He sighs. “Yeah.”

We fall silent, puffs of smoke inhaled and exhaled. Soft noises from inside the bar making it less quiet. The air around us is thick with things we don’t say.

I think, I like you more than I ever thought I would.

I might even be falling in love with you.

And that scares me.

We excuse ourselves a little early because honestly, I'm tired from not having slept all that much tonight, and the few drinks I had made me a little tipsy. And he kind of promised to eat me out when we get home.

We get to the car and – as so often – he opens the door for me. I smile at him and climb into the seat, but he steals another kiss. One that has me panting a little harder. He pulls away and rounds the car to get into the driver side.

I sit back, turning on the music as he starts driving.

Looking at him. The streetlamps light up his face every so often, casting the one side in shadows.

Wondering what might be going on in his head, the stoic expression not giving anything away.

Whatever went on in his mind today seems forgotten about, he seems like his usual self again. But maybe he’s just hiding it? Or it helped going outside for once, and I ask myself if maybe the time we first met, he also went out to distract himself.

And I don’t even know why, but my heart starts hurting a bit.

How is it like when he is alone at home? Does he talk to nobody?

“What is it?”, he asks, not taking his eyes off the road.

I look away and shake my head. “Nothing.”

“I’ve been around long enough to know that it’s never nothing.”, he says with a little sigh, an understanding smile on his face.

“Just thinking.”, I say plainly.

The smile gets a little wider. “Hmm, thinking, that’s a dangerous thing.”, he says, sounding earnest and joking at the same time.

The corners of my mouth tilt up, of their own volition. “It is.”

His hand lands on my thigh, squeezing it, and the little gesture soothes me. Pushing the thoughts away as I relax into the leather seat.

His thumb grazes over the sensitive inside of my thigh, and I shoot him a look. The small grin is the only hint that he’s doing it on purpose, only getting wider as he brushes further up until his hand is between my thighs. My fingers clasp over his, but I don’t pull them away. Shamelessly grinding against the palm, relishing the delicious friction and paying him back for his cheeky move. Now it's his turn to shoot me a look.

The sleepiness is almost forgotten about, and the slight tipsiness does nothing but make me even hotter and hornier.

Parking the Mercedes at his usual spot in the garage, he cuts off the engine and I jump out the car before he can even get out and open the door for me.

I take a few steps back, biting my lip, trying to hide the grin that stalks onto my face as he makes his way around the car. His gaze is on me, looking at me from under his brows, unbridled desire in his eyes.

His broad shoulders seem even wider with his signature leatherjacket, his hair moves, the long strands falling down his shoulders, while he comes closer with long strides until his boots bump into my converse and his arms close around me. He almost towers over me, leaning me back in his embrace. His lips crash into mine while my hands grab him, trying to get even closer to him.

We don't say anything, but I can feel the simmering intensity as he deepens the kiss and picks me up, making the last few steps into the house. My legs close around his waist when he pushes through the door, and we're both not breaking the kiss, desperate for more.

I think back to the first time we hooked up, how he carried me upstairs to my flat. How the anticipation and excitement simmered in my veins back then, and his touches still consume me and make me wanna devour him, but it has become so familiar at the same time. How his fingers press into my thighs, grabbing the soft pillows. How his nose nudges against mine when we kiss. How he swallows up the soft noises I make, tasting every single one of them. His chest against mine, the plane of muscles warm and pillowy.

His scent, his taste. How the long strands of his hair feel as I run my fingers through them.

He sets me down on the dresser in the hallway, pulling my shoes off, kicking his boots away and getting rid of the leatherjacket. He doesn't have to say it, I know what he wants, and pop the button on my pants, lower the zipper. His hands grab the waistband, helping me get it off. My pants and panties fall to the floor before he drops to his knees, his eyes fixed on my pussy as he spreads my legs and places them over his broad shoulders.

He pushes his hair out of his face and dives in, his mouth pressing against my lips, and I moan as his tongue darts out and licks me for the first time.

My hands hold onto the surface beneath me, my body slumping back into the wall, the sensation of the cold brick against my shoulders,while he starts to eat me out. Soft groans and mewls drop from his lips, getting lost in the slick and warmth. His lids are closed, his lashes adorning his cheeks, seeming almost solemn. The stern expression he usually wears on his face nowhere to be found, the frustration that was plaguing him today slowly dissipated throughout the evening and I can't find any of it left in his eyes when he looks up at me. Finding mine, holding the gaze.

His nose is buried in the soft curls as his mouth closes around my clit, sucking, licking over it with his flat tongue, coaxing moan after moan from me.

My hands dart out, the one grabbing his fingers that press into my thigh, the other caressing down the side of his face.

"Fuck, can't get enough of you.", he breathes, licking me again. Lapping up the wetness, desperately tasting me.

My eyes turn up, breaking the eye contact, my thighs are starting to shake and I come on his tongue. His hands are steadying me, so I don't fall off the dresser, my body writhing, my head pressing against the hard wall behind me. My moans resound in the small space around us, the stimulation making me lose my mind.

He doesn't stop until I grab his hair, pulling him up to me. He grunts, reluctantly breaking away from my pussy, capturing my mouth in a searing kiss that I answer with the same frenzy. Tasting myself on his lips.

He hastily unbuckles his belt, freeing his erection that has been straining against the zipper, hard, the tip smeared with pre-cum. Breaking the kiss to look down between our bodies. He grabs himself by the base, slowly dragging it over my pussy. Finding the entrance and dipping into the wetness.

His eyes are intently on mine, my mouth falling open as he stretches me, my eyebrows turning up. His jaw drops, his expression mirroring mine.

He's so close, our panting breaths intermingling. A choked moan rising up my throat when he fills me, the tip pressing up against my cervix.

My legs close around his waist, pulling him closer. He lifts me off the dresser, but we don't get far as he presses me up against the wall, steadying me with his arms. Fucking into me, his hips pushing forward.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck.", he curses, the desperation in his voice sending a pang of need between my thighs.

I hold onto his shoulders, my back pressed against the wall behind me, meeting his movements.

"So tight, Liebes.", he grunts. "Driving me crazy."

A little laugh shakes me before him bottoming me out makes me moan again. "What should I say, huh?", I shoot back, teasing him.

He halts and captures my face between his thumb and pointer. "Oh, but you always take me so well.", he tells me, knowing what those words do to me. And they don’t miss their impact.

I shake my head, trying to ignore the tingle running down my spine. “Fitting together like two puzzle pieces.”, I joke, which pulls a deep hearty laugh from his throat.

“Well put.”, he says, with a twinkle in his eyes.

He hoists me up again, making our way to the bedroom. His dick moving inside me with every single one of his steps, and I sigh as I snuggle into the crook of his neck.

He slips out of me and almost throws me down into the mattress, quickly getting off his clothes, and I pull my shirt above my head, fully naked now. I lie down, my belly against the sheets.

The mattress dips down as he drapes his body over me, his warm skin against mine. I look back at him, propping myself up on my forearms. Inviting him in, and the hurry drops away again.

He brushes my hair out the way, looking into my eyes, as his dick slides between my thighs. My mouth falls open, little panting breaths dropping from my lips, when he drags him himself back and forth, his length pressing against my slick pussy.

He slips into me, filling me up again, and I relish the feeling, familiar but still intense every time. He pulls me up, his hand grabbing the back of my head, kissing me. His lips softly against mine as he backs off and presses into me again. Slowly, savouring how I take every inch, until he's fully seated inside me. Rolling his hips, almost lazily.

Soft, so soft.

“Feels so good.”, I mumble into the kiss, thrusting my ass back, meeting his languid strokes.

Losing myself in the hazy pleasure, the slow and sweet fuck. Moving in unison until his hips are rutting forward, stuttering, as he loses the rhythm. Still kissing me while he comes inside me.

"Ngh, Liebes...", he grunts against my lips, pushing in one last time, slumping down on me, and I feel his weight on me for a moment.

I cradle his face, my thumb coasting over his jaw, wiping away a drop of sweat. His panting breaths fill the room, and I can't help but smile. Pressing another kiss to his lips, a small sweet one.

It seems to stir him awake and he doesn't stay slumped over me, propping himself up on his hands again, smirking down at me.

He pushes into me again, my mouth shaping into an O, my eyebrows turning up, and I can feel the wetness seep out of me as his dick fills me up again.

The question on my face must be clear when I crane my neck to look up at him.

"Didn't think it was over, did you?", he drawls, starting to fuck me harder. "You can give me one more, Hexe."

"Oh fuck.", I mumble as his hips snap forward, colliding with my ass. I hold onto his arm, steadying myself, my nails burying into his muscly forearms.

I remember how he was careful with me at first, afraid to break me. How he doesn't have such reservations anymore. Thrusting into me at an almost punishing pace. Trusting that I would use my safeword if it in fact was too much.

And I remember how I imagined how fucking him must be before we did it for the first time, and how it compares to reality.

Me splayed out on the bed, my front to the mattress. Him kneeling over me, his knees framing my ass as he's buried balls deep in my pussy.

Grabbing my hips, positioning me to fuck me even deeper. Sliding in and out of me, bottoming me out which pulls whimpers from me every time. Making me lose my mind quickly.

His hair whipping back and forth when his hips snap forward, his groin pressing up against the soft pillows of my ass repeatedly.

“Good girl, oh fuck.”, he praises me. “Taking me so well…” He lets go of me, his hand coming down on my butt, and I cry out at the sting.

Alternating between my left and right cheek, reddening the skin with every slap.

My hands are fisting the sheets beneath me, and my eyes are rolling back, lewd sounds getting pulled from my throat, as he plunges his dick into me again and again.

"Fuck, König...", I sigh, his name getting swallowed up when my face gets pushed into the sheets again.

"Say it again.", he grunts, but the hard thrusts of his hips unintentionally shut me up as he leans forward again, pressing me into the mattress. "Need to hear you say it, Liebes."

And I do say his name as I come once again, the sounds turning into uncontrollable moans, and he is not stopping until I'm a writhing shivering mess beneath him and he is pressing sweet kisses to my face again.

He pulls me with him as he rolls off me, bringing my body close to his until I'm draped over him. Basking in the afterglow, pressing myself up against his warm chest, our heavy breaths intermingling.

I remember how we joked about him keeping up, him making a comment about how I should be concerned to keep up with him, and most of the time he's right, but seeing him a little out of breath after we just had sex. Just like right now. It makes me feel all kinds of things. Deliciously dirty and heartwarmingly fluffy ones.

"Fuck, I'm sorry, I'm feeling so sleepy.", I mumble into a yawn. The sleepiness caught up and is taking over me now.

He pulls me closer, pressing a kiss to my temple, his arms engulfing me. "That's okay, Liebes, just sleep.", he whispers, and I close my eyes, pressing my cheek to his pillowy chest.

"G'night..."

"Gute Nacht."

~ more in the Masterlist ~

[matthewswifeyx]

Im tired (02)

Pairing- Y/N & Fratboy!Chris

Summary- Y/N and Chris are in a situationship and she is tired of hiding her feelings and she wants to be something more with Chris.

Warnings- angst, crying, arguing

Requested?- Yess! By @loveparqdise <3

"I'm tired of this depressing routine for me Chris. And if we want different things, in whatever you call this relationship, then maybe we can't do this anymore."

Chris sat upright on the bed. His hands covered his face and he rubbed his eyes, he dragged his palms down from his cheeks.

"I don't know what you want from me Y/N. You know that I don't want anything like that." He said.

"Well what we do in private doesn't say that!" I spat.

"Y/N, it's complicated." He huffed.

"Well Chris, I'm not accepting this 'love' you have for me because I don't think I deserve it! I deserve more. I shouldn't have to settle with attention only at parties! I shouldn't be ignored if I see you in public with your friends. God, why are you so scared?" All of these words are just flying out of my mouth, without time to process them. But he knows it's all true.

"I'm not scared! I just don't want to get into a relationship where it's one-sided." He declared.

"So your saying if we got into a relationship it would only be me saving it?" I asked confused. "The thing is Chris, you say you don't want anything. But you can't lead me on like this! I am always thinking about you! The only reason I come to these stupid frat parties are for you! And now i'm realising that I would do that for you, but would you do that for me?"

Chris just sat there in silence, again.

"This exactly proves my point." I say. I grab my bag and then head for the bedroom door. Then I head for the stairs.

I had ran out the door in a hurry, I didn't want Chris coming after me. Oh wait he wouldn't do that!

I know i'm being harsh but he has to hear me out, he can't expect me to just suppress these feelings until the end of college. He might be able to do that but I definitely wouldn't last.

I'm on the sidewalk now waking away from the noise of the music. And i was crying. Why was I crying over him? The tears had destroyed my makeup, the mascara covered drops had created black lines down my face. Maybe it represented my broken heart?

I stumbled over to a wooden bench and sat down. I looked up at the starry night and I tried to calm myself down. But I couldn't, all of these unanswerable questions filled my thoughts.

"Am I really that unlovable?"

"Why did Chris use me?"

"Why did Chris waste my time?"

"Does he even care?"

"Does this even bother him?"

I tried to focus on my breathing. It was a breezy night, and goosebumps grazed my skin. I held my arms in my own embrace and I just let my remaining tears fall. I felt doubt rush over me. Was I unreasonable? No I couldn't have been.

I leaned back on the bench and tried to relax. The trees swayed behind me, it gave me a sense of peace, but I was far from it.

God, why can't Chris just love me back?

Banner credits to @issysh3ll <3

Hey guys! I hope you really enjoyed this fic! If you have any suggestions/requests please do not hesitate to send me a quick message, and i will try and get back to you asap! <3

[skyyguy]

beg for the vampire prompts perchance

Prompt beg: your muse begs my muse to turn them into a vampire. NGL I still misread this as you telling me to beg you to send me a prompt 😭😭😭

It had been a bad day. For both of them. They were both tired, hungry, cranky. John's hand ached and Gale's whole body screamed in pain. Nothing quite as loud as his head and his heart, so Gale ignored the physical ache. Instead, he pulled John's burnt hand into his lap and worked on gently unwrapping it.

"Buck, I'm fine," John tried to insist, but he didn't pull his hand away, letting the human continue to unwind the strip of cloth until the burnt and destroyed flesh was visible.

"Like hell," Gale snapped in reply, "you went into the sun, you're not fine," he continued. John couldn't tell who Gale was angry at, just then.

"Not the first time, won't be the last," John said, shrugging, his mix of accents catching on the words. Gale had once asked where the accent was from and John had simply stared, unsure how to answer. You live long enough, you move enough, you pick up accents from everyone you've ever loved, you make them your own. That's what John had done, before he learned to stop loving, before he learned to stop trying to live. He wasn't living, wasn't alive, would never be, so he stopped pretending, stopped preening, retreated from the vibrancy of life to the shadows. Until he met Gale. Gale had told him once that the shadows, the black and white, the dark didn't suit him. John knew he was right.

"It better be the last," Gale replied, stern and unyielding as always, "if I catch you darting out in the sun to protect me again, I'll kill you myself, sun be damned."

"Hey now," John started weakly, knowing he had no real ground to stand on. He shut his jaw with a click at the look Gale gave him, holding up his uninjured hand in surrender. He was lucky it was only the one hand that got fried, it could have been a lot worse.

"If…" Gale started, though his voice was barely more than a whisper, "if you turned me, we wouldn't have to—"

"No," John cut him off, voice harsher than he meant it to be, and Gale flinched at the threat of violence in his tone. John took a deep breath and tried again, "no, Buck, I won't turn you. You don't know what'chour asking for. I won't inflict this curse on anyone else," John's tone was softer now, but still held firm, and Gale looked down at John's hand, cradled in his own.

"Maybe I don't know all of it, but I know I'd be with you," Gale said, turning red as he caught wind of his own cheesy words, "and you'd never have to risk the sun to save me again, since I wouldn't go in the sun either," Gale rationalized, rubbing his thumb over the damaged skin, "and you wouldn't have to worry about hurting me by drinking, either," he continued, glancing up at John through his eyelashes. John groaned at the thought of being able to taste Gale's blood, to freely drink without fear of killing his lover. Gale had split his wrist and forced the cut to John's lips before and John had savoured every sip of blood, but the fear of draining too much and hurting the blond human had forced him to stop, had ensured it was a one-time thing.

"Gale, please," John whimpered, begging Gale to stop. He only had so much self-restraint.

"Bucky," Gale muttered, leaning and pressing a kiss to John's wrist, where the flesh was still intact and uninjured, "John, please?" it was a perverse echo of John's plea, "I want to be with you. Please, John, turn me. Make me yours. Make me so completely yours," Gale begged softly, breathe warm against ice cold flesh.

"No," John gasped out, his resolve wavering slightly, evident in his tone, "no-not yet," the moment the promise left his lips, John knew it was true. He would turn Gale. Just… Just not right then. Not now. Gale looked up at him from beneath his lashes again, lips parted in shock at the whispered promise. A smile replaced the shock after a moment and Gale sat up straighter, wrapping a hand around the back on John's neck and pulling him into a searing kiss.

"Okay. Okay, I can wait," Gale muttered against the vampire's lips, knocking their foreheads together, "but I'm not a patient man, John."

"I know. I know, doll, I know," John whispered the words into Gale's mouth as he caught him in a kiss, moaning into the warmth of the living mouth, "your birthday. I'll turn you on your birthday," John promised. It was four days away. It felt right. It would be Gale's last birthday, the last time he technically aged. A day for celebrating a new life. A day for celebrating a new death.

[kasagia]

Our little game pt. 3

~Part 1~ ~Part 2~ ~Part 4~ ~Part 5~

Pairing: Klaus Mikaelson x witch! reader Summary: Thomas has been trying to mend your relationship all weeks leading up to the wedding. You must admit that he was a true, sweet gentleman, but… something was wrong. You didn't feel those butterflies (or moles as Kol used to say) in your stomach when you were close to him. You thought that maybe after bachelorette party and wedding you two would again get along with eachother and everyting will be fine. But drunk you had a completely different idea to solve this situation. Warning(s): smut mention, swearings, I used the thread from "Friends", I don't regret anything (I guess) Word count: 4,6k

*Two months later*

"I can't believe it has gone by so quickly, I feel like I just arrived in New Orleans." I said to the girls while we were putting on our dresses for the party.

"Yes. Me too. I feel like Elijah proposed to me yesterday, and now the four of us are going to my bachelorette party."

"Actually five. I invited Cami." Rebekah corrected Kath while fixing her makeup.

"Since when have you exactly been friends with Klaus' therapist?" I asked, not believing for a moment in her good intentions toward the bartender.

"Since she's trying to talk you out of the ridiculous idea of getting back with your ex."

"Hey! We all agree that we're not going to discuss that topic. Today is about Katherine. Only her."

"Take it easy, Y/N. We're just worried about you."

"There's no need, Katherine. I can take care of myself. Also, I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do with this mess around me. It's enough that the Mystic Falls gang put me on their blacklist a week ago. I don't need more complications."

Yes. Officially, Damon Salvatore has become my enemy because I refuse to help him bring Elena back from her "sleeping beauty state." At least Bonnie stayed my friend.

"Well, I saw both of you in that new restaurant. You two seemed quite enjoyable with your company." Rebekah snapped me out of my thoughts.

The original vampire spent the whole two months trying to force me to set up with her brother. It was getting pretty tiring to the point that I decided to avoid Klaus like the plague and not give the blonde a chance to put her plans into action. I loved her with all my heart, but I will not allow anyone to meddle in my affairs and try to set me on a particular path. Not even one of my best friends.

"Yeah, like one meeting was a declaration of true, unconditional love." I replied sarcastically, turning my attention back to my reflection in the mirror. I started putting on my makeup, being careful not to accidentally gouge my eye out with mascara. "Thomas and I spent half life with ourselves. It's obvious that we're feeling good together when we know each other better than anyone else."

"That's what we're all trying to tell you!" the woman snatched the mascara from my hand and turned to look at me in the eyes. "You don't love him anymore! He is like an old, favorite movie; you watch it because you have a soft spot for it, not because it brings you new, amazing emotions. You got used to having him around. And you're afraid that my brother will destroy your idea of loving Thomas. Even if it's obvious to everyone that you don't have any feelings for him. You fell for Nik, finally admit it to yourself!" she burst out, reproaching me again.

"Rebekah, enough. You're crossing the line." Freya stepped between us, wanting to reassure her little sister and trying to lighten the atmosphere.

"You want me to finally make a decision? Fine. Right after the wedding, I'm going back to Thomas. You don't have to wish me luck. I already know I'll be very happy with him." I replied, staring furiously at the blonde over Freya's shoulder.

"You have to be joking?! Seriously? Are you doing it just to spite me?"

"I'll meet you all downstairs. I promised to call Tom before we went out all night." I said, ignoring Rebekah's angry look at me.

I left the room quickly before any of the vampires (or the witch) could stop me, heading for the only place I could get some privacy.

Klaus' art studio.

The guys had already left the mansion an hour ago, teasing Katherine that they would make one last effort to find someone better for Elijah before she "ringed him with a golden muzzle," so I was sure no one would find me there. Who would have guessed I was hiding in the "cave" of a big bad wolf?

I was walking in a dark room, lit only by the moonlight. I took my phone out of my dress pocket and dialed Tom's number. I put the device to my ear, staring at the unfinished painting on the easel. Klaus must have been pretty pissed while painting it. I hadn't even seen so much intense red when the hybrid returned covered in blood from one of his "preventive missions."

"Y/N?" Thomas's voice snapped me out of my thoughts about the original.

"Hi." I replied with a little smile, sitting on the piano opposite the easel. Klaus went all out designing his studio.

"Hello, honey. Are you going out with the girls?"

"Yes. So don't bother calling; I won't answer, and even if I do, I doubt I'll be in a good condition." I replied jokingly, smiling wider as I heard his laugh.

"Ha ha. You know what they say: You are the truest version of yourself after alcohol."

"Is this your way to tell me that you're waiting on a drunken love confession from me? It isn't quite romantic, don't you think?"

"I don't care about it as long as it's true." I smiled. I wanted to respond to his taunt, but I froze in place as I saw someone's all-too-familiar blue eyes in the darkness of the studio. As our gazes met, he went out from the shadow and stood right in front of me. "Y/N? Can you hear me?"

"I have to go. I'll call you tomorrow, Tommy." Klaus wrinkled his nose at the "cute" diminutive.

"Have a good time, honey. Don't drink too much or I'll have to pick you up." before I could answer, Klaus snatched the phone from my hand.

"You don't have to worry about her. She will be in my excellent care, Timon," he said maliciously before aggressively hanging up.

"Seriously? Don't you have a brother to drink up instead of messing with my boyfriend? By the way, his name isn't Timon."

"Your boyfriend?" he laughed incredulously, shaking his head. "Since when? If I remember correctly, he left you for like... two years ago?"

"So what? You're not better at all."

"Unlike him, I was interested in your fate, love."

"Sending your minions to follow my every move is stalking, not caring. And stop calling me that. It's disgusting." I said, turning towards the exit, but the hybrid blocked my way as usual. The look of displeasure on his face instantly made me feel much better.

"They didn't follow you... most of the time. I just wanted to make sure you're okay and you're not putting yourself in unnecessary danger for the sake of those imbeciles."

"Did you know that there is an ancient gadget called the telephone? You could have checked for yourself if I was alive."

"You changed your number." I blushed at my stupidity. He was right. Right after breaking up with Tom, my phone suffered minor damage due to my sudden emotions and relative lack of control over my magic. I just don't know why it hurt so much that he couldn't text me. It's not like I've been waiting for his call all these years... right?

"Well, we can't go back in time and change that anyway. There's no point in dwelling on it." I finally replied, looking away from him to hide my true feelings.

The man wouldn't let me get away from him so easily. His left hand went to my chin, forcing me to look again into his blue eyes, which gradually began to give way to his night-black pupils.

"So that's it? You want to go back to him as if nothing happened? Like I didn't send you a thousand bloody letters to beg you for a little piece of your attention like a desperate fool, that I am every single time you look at me!" he exploded.

His jaw was clenched in anger, and his other hand was clenched so tightly that it seemed to me that droplets of blood were dripping from it. But my stupid brain could only process one goddamn thing in this improbable situation.

"Letters? What letters?"

"Oh, don't play with me like this, love…" he tried to walk away from me, but I grabbed his arm before he made any step towards the exit.

"Klaus, what letters? I didn't get anything from you since you went." I asked, searching his face for any explanation.

"Don't lie to me. It's even beneath you." he replied contemptuously.

A red light went on in my head. The son of a bitch had no right to walk into my already messy life with his fucking shoes and accuse me of whatever shit he fancied. This is exactly what caused my agitation. Not the hostile look I couldn't take from him.

"Beneath me? How can you tell if something is in "my type" or not?! You don't even fucking know me!" his jaw tightened. In the next second, he pushed me into a wall and put his hands on both sides of my head. His eyes were enraged, mad, and... passionate.

"I know you better than myself. I spent months admiring you in the shadows until you decided that I was curious enough to be noticed by you. It took you a bloody year to warm up to me and to treat me like something more than a monster. And when we were apart… I've never missed anyone as much as I have missed you in the thousand years I've lived. You told me here months ago that you would be the one to burn me. You were too stubborn to admit our connection that much, that you, love, didn't notice I was already burned by you a long time ago."

"You're lying. You wouldn't even have come up with that stupid excuse if Thomas hadn't shown up. You want me to lose my chance at happiness, don't you? The moment I trust you, you'll stab me in the back for your own amusement."

"Is your beloved ex-boyfriend, as I would like to point out, clouding your mental clarity so much?"

"Maybe he's my ex, but unlike some people, he really cares about me, not my power."

"Did he? Because if I had a chance, which you gave him, I would never, ever leave you. Not even if I could rule all of this damn world."

"Please, it's impossible that you could truly love…" he cut me off, pulling my face closer to his lips to shut me up by kissing me.

I imagined that moment so many times in my head, but nothing conveyed the true feeling of his lips on mine.

I moaned as he bit my lips and opened a way into my mouth like that. His treacherous tongue slipped inside like a snake, catching mine in his snare.

The sounds of brushes and paints falling were my only warning before he grabbed me around the waist, set me down on the table, and made me his height to (surely) kiss me dead.

The moment one of his hands started wandering toward the zipper of my dress, making me shiver every time his fingers touched my exposed skin, was a time when the warnings of my mind shouted over the dark, hidden desire of my foolish heart.

*SLAP!*

My hand left a small red mark on his left cheek for a while before his vampire power healed it. He slowly turned his head towards me, with his own hand on the place I slapped him, shocked that I (a little, mortal witch) was that dumb-brave to do this.

I breathed heavily as I stared into his impenetrable oceanic iris.

"Don't..."

"Why?"

"Because I�� you… we can't…" He leaned his head down toward mine so that our noses were touching. Our lips were disconcertingly close for me to express any logical thought that wasn't related to HIM.

"Y/N!! We're going to be late! Hurry up!" Katherine's voice made me jump out of the hybrid's embrace, scared of what might have happened in the art room if she hadn't interrupted us.

Before I left the room, he grabbed my hand and turned me to face him. I fell straight into his chest. His second hand grabbed around my waist, making sure I wouldn't go before he stopped talking.

"Have your fun, love. We'll continue this discussion when you return." he said as he tucked my hair behind my ear. 

"Y/N! What could possibly be taking so long?!"

"We have nothing to discuss." I growled, yanking myself out of his grip, and went out without even looking at him.

I need vodka or I'll completely lose my mind.

~•♤♤♤•~

"Ha ha, I can't believe it!" I was laughing so hard when Rebekah finished her story about Klaus and Elijah running from bees when they were humans.

"I swear to you, they came out of the river drenched as ducks, only to meet some "huge and terrifying wild beast" and roll in the mud to let him lose their scent. They screamed like little girls as he approached them and growled at them. Kol was bursting with laughter, but in the end our mother's old fur fell off him and he had to run away from them."

"All right! How do I look?" Katherine emerged from the dressing room, making an impressive turn in front of us to present her dress (not a particularly successful one, given how much alcohol we had consumed).

"I like it, but you look much better in your real wedding dress." Freya commented as she adjusted Cami's fake veil.

Yes. All five of us decided to put on white dresses and continue our evening dressed like this. I have no fucking idea how it happened.

"I know where we should go next!" Rebekah screamed, threw my legs off her and got off the couch. She ran over to Katherine, showing her something on her phone and whispering conspiratorially. I shrugged, grabbing a bottle of champagne.

Freya snatched the bottle from my hand, handing it to Cami. The barmaid drank the rest of its contents and sat down next to me. I put my head on her lap so she could comb my hair. I closed my eyes, feeling a little relaxed for the first time in weeks. The quiet whispers of the vampires in the background and the slow, calming movements of the blonde's hand were a wonderful sleep aid.

"Don't fall asleep, sleeping princess! We're going dancing." an enthusiastic Rebekah nudged me gently on the arm, trying to pull me out of my own world.

"Dancing? Where?" I asked, opening one eye to look unconvinced at the blonde.

"You will see. Come on, the night is still young, and we're not drunk enough." the vampire grabbed my arm and dragged me down the stairs to the waiting limousine.

The five of us drank chilled champagne from the limousine in seconds, continuing to talk nonsense until we were at the door of the club Rebekah wanted to take us to.

If I had seen its name better, maybe I would have realized that this is the same place the guys went to celebrate Elijah's bachelor party, and maybe what happened later that night wouldn't have happened at all.

But we all went inside and lost each other in a sea of other people.

I looked around the crowd until I saw a familiar face at the bar. Instantly, my heart warmed, and the unreasonable desire to approach him overcame the rational side of my brain. I ran towards him, doing my best not to step on the white dress. Without knowing why, the people around me immediately let me through, so I didn't have to push through them.

"Nikkie!" I screamed when I saw the hybrid. I made a few steps toward him, and I fell into his arms, tripping over my fake wedding dress. I could hear Kol chuckling in the background. "I've missed you, love."

"You know I can get you two married at any moment, brother? Just say a word."

Kol took his beer from the bar as I leaned dangerously close to him, threatening to accidentally spill the alcohol down my dress. Klaus held me closer to him so that I wouldn't wobble from side to side, checking to make sure my drunken walk towards them didn't injure me in the process.

"Shut up, Kol. She's drunk."

"Hey! I'm not drunk, but you're ridiculously hot when you're mad." I giggled as I cupped his face and kissed a crease between his eyebrows. "And so sweet when you're confused." I said, chuckling after he gave me an incredulous look.

"The offer is still valid." a vampire muttered under his breath, teasing his brother.

"For bloody hell, Kol, I'm not gonna marry her!" he growled at him. Suddenly, I felt very sad. Tears came to my eyes from nowhere.

"No? Why? You don't love me?" I asked, sobbing. His eyes immediately fell on my weeping form in pure panic. Nik gently pulled me to him and cupped my cheek, wiping away my tears with his thumb as he looked at me softly.

"Yes, Nikkie, don't you love her?" Kol interrupted our moment, much to Klaus' annoyance and anger.

"If you want to live to see tomorrow, get out of my sight. Now."

"Have fun together, Nikkie!"

He followed him with his eyes until he disappeared into the crowd of others. His eyes softened as he looked at my tear-stained face.

"Love, why are you crying?" he asked softly, wiping away my tears.

"Because you don't love me at all!" he sighed, hugging me tighter and kissing my head tenderly.

"Of course I love you." he whispered timidly into my hair.

"You do?" I moved away from him, placing my hands on his chest so that I could hold onto his body the whole time while looking into his eyes.

"It's impossible not to, love. Can we go home now?"

"No. Say it again."

"What?"

"That you love me."

"Y/N. You're drunk, just come with me and…" I cut him off by catching his stupid, beautiful lips in a kiss.

At first, he stayed there, shocked, not even making the slightest move. I got a little irritated after a while, so I cupped his face in my hands and pulled him closer, biting his lower lip until it bled. I moaned in a kiss, as I could feel his sweet, addictive blood on my tongue. Without knowing why, I felt "the alcohol mist" in which I found myself begin to slowly leave my body. In the next moment, that annoying man finally started to respond to my affection. His arms were all around me, reaching into every part of my body.

In an attempt to regain control, his lips began chasing mine. We fought with each other, giving all our hidden passion, anger, and frustration into that kiss. But it still wasn't enough for me. And he knew this.

"Don't be such an asshole and stop teasing." I groaned, breaking away from him for a moment.

"Never." he whispered against my lips, skillfully avoiding mine.

"For the love of God! Kiss me right or…" I moaned as he interrupted my threat by biting into the sensitive skin of my neck.

He was drinking from me.

Klaus. Fucking. Mikaelson. Was drinking from me.

And it felt amazing.

I gasped, pulling his hair with one hand and grabbing his muscular shoulder with the other. After a few minutes, he pulled away from my neck and kissed me again, this time complying with my request. During our demanding kiss, I felt a trickle of blood running down my neck to my chest. The wound closed in a matter of seconds.

I summoned my magic to teleport us to his room. More specifically, his bed. I started to rip off his shirt so as not to interrupt our kissing session. But hybrid has other plans.

He pulled away from my bruised, tingling lips and grabbed my hands just as I was about to get to the waistband of his pants.

"We need to stop, love."

"Why? I thought you wanted me."

"I do."

"Then shut up and kiss me."

"No. We can't. Not like that." he sighed as I started to bite and make hickeys on his neck. He grabbed my hair, pulling me closer.

"Don't act like you didn't dream of it. Like you don't wanna feel my hot, naked body on yours. Like you don't wanna drink from me while fucking me and leaving marks on all of me to make it clear to everyone that I'm yours." I whispered against the skin of his neck.

"Y/N. Stop." he growled, pushing me away from him when he felt my hand dangerously close to his pants' fly.

"Why? Give me one good reason why I shouldn't finally get this damn feeling out of our system!"

"That's not how it works and you well know that."

"God! Why do you always have to make things so hard for me?!" I started gathering my things, intending to leave the refusing-me hybrid.

"Where are you going?!"

"To Tom! Maybe he will be a man and fuck me, if you don't want." I found myself instantly in his strong embrace. He was breathing rapidly, his pupils so dilated that his blue irises were almost impossible to see. He desired me. If he wanted me too, then why didn't he use his chance?

"Be careful what you wish for, love."

"Let me go. I wasted enough time for you." I groaned as I tried to break free from his grip.

"You're not going anywhere."

"Why?" I asked, lifting my head in challenge.

"Because you're MINE. Mine to touch, mine to kiss, mine to fucked from your mind every single thing that isn't me. We belong to each other. And you hate it. So much so that you can't accept the feelings that are between us. This is why you gonna go back to my bed and sleep by my side so I can make sure you're not going to do something incredible stupid tonight."

"Don't act like a protective boyfirend, if you don't care about me." I choked out, taking advantage of the fact that he doesn't look me in the eye and instead places small kisses on my face.

"You stupid woman, don't you see how much I've already done for you just to keep you safe and happy?"

"You wanna make me happy? You wanna satisfy me? You wanna make sure I'm only yours? Then shut up and finally let it happen." I kissed him, pushing him on his back, so I could sit on him.

I started to strip myself, looking straight at him. His chest rose and fell at the speed of light, black pupils completely replacing his blue irises. I take a moment to appreciate his tattoo and kiss every flying bird.

"Lie that you love me." he said, after turning us so I was under him.

"It wouldn't be a lie." I thought as he kissed his way to my underwear.

"I know it's part of your game. Just... pretend for a moment you really feel something for me Y/N."

"It's not a game anymore. And since our first meeting, I have felt for you... everything."

"You win." he said, kissing me with all of his desire for me, and trying to get any response out of me.

"You win.'" I thought, letting myself get lost in the feeling of his skin on mine. "And I'm fucking terrified of it."

~•♤♤♤•~

Consciousness begins to slowly return to my battered, relaxed body. I sighed, snuggling into something warm and cozy beneath me. I put my head in a more comfortable position and took a breath of the amazing perfume.

Klaus' perfume.

I froze in place, afraid to make any move. After a few minutes, I finally decided to hesitantly open my eyes and lift my head slightly.

My fucking God.

I slept with Klaus Mikaelson.

With my brain overheating from the new information, I had the opportunity to take a closer look at the unconscious hybrid. He looked so... innocent when he slept. And carefree, even blissfully, judging by his gentle smile, which I could see despite the darkness in the room.

The disheveled hair on his head only made him even hotter. It was also helped by the fact that I was probably the perpetrator of his messy look.

I tried to slowly put myself out of his arms to get the phone, but Klaus instantly held me closer when he felt from his sleep my littlest move. I carefully placed my head back on his chest. I let myself hear his beating heart and smell his addictive perfume for the moment.

Curiously, I looked around his room, enjoying as much as I could of what little peace I had left before my partner woke up. For a moment, I could imagine that Klaus was my boyfriend, we led a dull, safe life together devoid of anything supernatural. Hope lives with Hayley for a week, with us for the second, his family comes over once a month for dinner together. And above all, no one wants to kill us, we have no enemies from whom we must defend our loved ones. Maybe we'd even get married and have children of our own?

Married.

Wedding.

"OH MY GOD! Klaus! Hey. Nik. We have to get up, or we'll be late for the wedding! Oh, come on! You can't sleep that hard! Niklaus!" I screamed. I tried to pull his arm to wake him up, but his eyes were still closed. "If you don't wake up, I'll smear your room with all those expensive paints you have."

"Shh, five more minutes, love." he mumbled, turning on his side and pinning me to his bed with his arm. He pulled me closer, burying his nose in my hair.

"Katherine is going to kill me if we miss her wedding." I said in panic, unknowingly brushing his hair with my fingers.

"I won't let her do this." he tightened his grip on me, still in his semi-conscious state. "You might as well not mention her name in my bed."

"Klaus, I'm serious. Move. We have to get together."

"Vile woman, have you no pity on me?"

"Not even a little. Now get off me, you're heavy." I moaned under him, trying to move his body.

"I have a better idea of how to spend the day than being at my brother's wedding with the devil. I think you'll like it too. Last night, you did. Very much, considering the moans of my name coming out of your beautiful, alluring mouth."

"Yeah… talking about last night. It doesn't change anything, right? I mean… we're… we not…"

I stopped as he placed his head close to mine so he could lick up the dried blood from my neck. This man would be my death.

"Penny for your TRUE toughts?" he whispered against my neck, pulling away from it to look into my eyes.

"I just..."

"Yhm?" he leaned closer to my lips, but before he could kiss me, I pushed him off me and off the bed, sending him crashing to the floor. I took the opportunity to wrap myself in his duvet, running into the hybrid's bathroom before he recovered from my unexpected move.

"Dress up. We have to be there in 10 minutes. Don't forget the wedding rings!" I screamed, knowing full well that he would hear me through the closed door even if I was whispering. I listened for a moment, standing perfectly still, until I heard his grumpy mumbling and footsteps walking away.

With a sigh, I leaned against the door, sliding myself down to the floor. Memories of last night started to slowly come back to my mind, including his half-drunk "I love you."

What the hell have I done?

[elementoftheeye]

eat more mosquitos.. This had been put into my queue, with only a few words. but I want to edit and vomit some words here after last night and this morning. My parents visited yesterday, mom was having a particularly difficult day... I pray my friends and family don't have to deal with dementia or the likes of that with me or any other person. My dad is crushed, tired... but mostly lonely... living with a person that is physically familiar but no longer mentally. I do get sucked into a depressive state at every weekly visit with them. My emotions are worn pretty close to the skin on a normal day, but after any time with them I am beat, on edge... and just don't know what to do... sometimes I stop and buy some junk food on the way home... last night I decided not to do that. Just come home and watch TV and internalize... or maybe an better word would be ignore the feelings that crawl over my skin. I watch a video from a photographer...[Shoot On Film -- by Ari Jaaksi] Last night his video pinched me pretty hard. "Photography as a means of finding yourself" honestly I will have to watch it again because of the mental frame I was in... but at this time I would say 10 years ago I felt pretty good about myself, my artistic journey, but for I bet must be 7 years I have gone down a bumpy road, so bumpy that I have lost focus, and as much as I try the squiggly lines are still everywhere... I try and find that smooth road, that hard packed clay that is smooth like glass... that comfortable glide... but it doesn't seem possible. I have thought about throwing in the towel and just saying fuck it... but I can't do that either... This morning I watched the trailer for the movie "Lee Miller" I don't know if I will ever watch this movie about this Iconic photographer... Woman. I'm afraid it will emotionally destroy me... I know everyone can't be a successful photographer, model, business person, artist, mother or father... Maybe I feel sorry for myself or even for people that know me, I am all over the place... I will keep trying to just be a little better.

[drchenquill]

Foliè - Chapter 15

[it took me a while because I had a mini writers block, whoops]

Confessions

Trigger warning: hinting to suicide and abuse

Our march was silent, both lost in thought. Both silent. Both looking ahead. It felt like we were walking side by side, but not together, and that worried me. Was she really right and the dead man had doubts about me? So what if he was, I was a deity, I couldn't care less about the opinion of a puny human.

“It sounds like a lie to me.”

It wasn't a lie. He was human, I was the personification of madness. He was nothing compared to me. His opinion was nothing, just a piece of scum. I let my eyes wander to him for a moment. His gaze was so distant, as if he too was lost in his thoughts. Why did it bother me?

“Thank you again. Without you, I probably would have been turned into the next dinner.”

He jerked his head toward me as if I'd just pulled him from his thoughts.

“Don't mention it.”

He said half-heartedly. Now it was really bothering me. Something was going on and it bothered me that he didn't want to share it with me. Why didn't he want to share it with me? I grabbed his hand and forced him to stop. “What's wrong?” I asked, ignoring the tingling in my hand as I felt his soft skin. 'I'm a deity, for fuck's sake, get a grip. “Nothing, just… thoughts.” he sounded tired. I looked up at the sky and saw that the sun was setting. He was human, he needed sleep and after what had happened today, he needed it badly.

“We should lie down,” I said. He smiled with relief and nodded. “Yes, we should.” We both looked around. We had barely noticed, but we wandered back into the village in silence. I could recognize Agatha's house. I shuddered, so I turned around. I could still remember when I had given her husband the Madness, back when I was still “The Madness”. I had enjoyed watching people suffer back then, watching them destroy what was most important to them. Back then, that was the only thing I had. The only thing that gave my endless life some light.

“Do you want to spend the night in one of these abandoned houses or would you rather sleep outside?” the dead man asked. I pointed to one of the houses and we entered.

This house, if you could call it that, had no furniture left and the few that were still there were completely destroyed, as if a wild beast had run rampant. Cobwebs decorated the now unusable fireplace that adorned the living room. The large window that let in the reddish light of the setting sun had been smashed, the shards of glass scattered on the wooden floor. The dead man spotted a staircase and pulled me gently behind him as we walked up. I had my eyes fixed on his big back. A back that seemed to carry so much suffering.

We entered the bedroom. The bed had no covers, just a ripped open mattress. The wardrobe was on the floor, tipped over. The bed was lit up, but not by the window, but by the hole in the ceiling. Groaning, he let himself fall onto the mattress, the frame of which squeaked loudly. How long had it been since this mattress had last felt the warmth of a human being? I sat down slowly and stroked the fabric of the bed. “I wonder what happened” I asked quietly to myself. The dead man turned on his back and stared into the now night sky above us. “Madness has taken the inhabitants.” he whispered. “Just like it took Agatha's husband.” "Agatha's husband. One of many of your victims." “But Agatha was still pure when she died,” he explained. I turned my gaze to him, but he was still looking at the ceiling. “Why do you mean that?” I asked and lay down next to him, my eyes fixed on the sky. “She wasn't smiling.” Smiling? I turned my head towards him. “All who are gripped by madness die with a smile on their lips, as if relieved to finally be released.” Why did he know that and why was he so sure about it? I had never cared how the people I poisoned died. I didn't know that. “Did you… did you see it a lot?” I asked quietly. He just nodded. I swallowed hard as I asked the next question uncertainly: “Did… he smile too?” I shyly pointed to his face, the face of his victim. “Like a child…” he whispered. My heart collapsed. I felt guilty. I hated it. “I think she's out to take everything from us, everything we hold dear. She wants to see us suffer… She wants us to stay lonely and abandoned.” That hurt. It hurt to hear the hatred in his voice. It hurt to know that he didn't even know that I was the one who had destroyed his life.

“He was…” he began. I saw him swallow hard before he continued in a shaky voice. “We grew up together, in an orphanage. We were like brothers, inseparable. The orphanage was no paradise, we often suffered at the hands of the older boys and the adults didn't have time to take care of that too. The director of the orphanage had been taken by madness, so everything went down the drain. We didn't get a new director because everyone was afraid that they would also be taken by madness.” The room was filled with silence as he had to collect himself. “It wasn't a nice time. We often had to suffer from the adults' outbursts of anger. And when they were calm, the older children were violent. It was hell, but we had each other. As soon as we were old enough, we left. We did little jobs here and there and earned enough to rent a small apartment together.” I saw his dark eyes slowly fill with tears and he chewed on his bottom lip. ���Everything seemed to be going uphill. We carried wounds with us, but we could help each other heal, at least I thought we could. I didn't know how much anger he carried, how much hatred tainted his heart.” Hesitantly, I took his shaky hand in mine. He reached for it without thinking. “You know, he was one of the skeptics. He didn't believe in the madness, he thought it was scaremongering and nothing more. He didn't care… or maybe he wanted it to happen, I don't know. I never said anything when he left the house without a mask until…”

“Until?”

“Until he started being weird. He babbled uncomprehending things, he did things he never did and he talked about the orphanage. He hated the orphanage, he would never talk about it. Then one day he didn't come home. I looked everywhere for him.” I held my breath, because I could only guess what happened next.

“He had returned to the orphanage and… got his revenge. I was too late. He had killed the workers, no, slaughtered them. The children, oh God, the children. He wanted to play with the children. He wanted to make up for the childhood he'd missed out on because of abuse. He had brought out the toys and asked the crying children to play with him. It was horrible to watch.”

I stroked the back of his hand with my thumb, hoping to calm him down after seeing the tears slowly streaming down his face.

“I killed him… saved him. I don't regret it. I only regret that I didn't stop it.”

“There was nothing you could have done.” I whispered to him. You couldn't get rid of madness. Once you had it, it would follow you to your death. He laughed bitterly, as if my words had just been a bad joke. “I should have forced him to wear a mask. I shouldn't have let him out of the house once I realized he was acting differently and now I've lost him. Because of her. All because of her. She ruined my life, she took everything from me, so I want to take everything from her.”

I felt sick. I knew people hated me, I knew I was the devil in many eyes, but this was different. I felt the anger, the sadness, the helplessness. And I was to blame for it, only me.

“And then, once I've gotten my revenge on her, I'll follow him.” My heart stopped as I stood up abruptly. I felt myself break out in a cold sweat. He was going to him? He was going to leave me? “But…” He shook his head, not giving me a chance to speak further. “The only thing that keeps me going is my desire to kill her. I have nothing to look forward to. This world has no place for me anymore.” Now I felt the sting of tears threatening to roll from my dark eyes.

“But it does.” I whispered to him. He looked at me in surprise. He had already planned everything, from murder to his own redemption, but he hadn't counted on a deity whose heart he had made beat again. “What do you mean?” he asked uncertainly. “I'm alone, I have no family, nothing.” he added. This time I shook my head. “That's where you're wrong.” I leaned down to him, his face so close that our breath mingled. “You've got me.”

Then I kissed him.

~~~

chapter 14/chapter 16

Foliè tag list: @theink-stainedfolk , @frostedlemonwriter , @leahnardo-da-veggie , @rivenantiqnerd

(if someone wants to get added or taken off, just tell me~)

[dib-thing-wannabe]

The Villain's Untold Moldings - Chapter Three

<<<prev

(Reminder: Robot doesn't have his canon design in this fanfic, he has the more human design made by @taxlthomas / @itsalldownhillfromherehoney so I highly advise that you go take a look at their design of him before reading any of the chapter's of this fanfic. If needed, I'll happily tag you in their art if you can't find what I'm referring to.)

Memory log 3,693 - Date: Oct. 19, 2015 - Time: 00:42

Romeo was in middle of setting up another machine as I overheard the Pj Masks make a plan as to stop him. Honestly, I see a very easy way as to how they could stop him. The machine he is currently working is simply just to transfer all the power from the city to another device which would trap the city in a dome, and effectively making it his. The device for the dome is practically indestructible, but if they destroy the part that causes the transfer, not only would it completely put the plan to a hault, but it may also destroy the machine that creates the dome as well. From the looks of it, only Gecko recognizes this, and is trying to tell the others.

"Guys, look!" He whispered to them, pointing at the transfer. "We don't need to focus on the big machine just yet, we need to focus on-"

"Hush Gecko, we're trying to come up with a plan." Catboy cut him off, speaking sternly yet quietly.

Gecko had a shocked look, but simply stayed quiet for the time being.

"Maybe we can unplug it! Then the dome can't be built!" Owlette spoke up excitedly.

Gecko gave her a confused look before softly speaking up. "Um, actually, it doesn't have a plug, it has a-"

"That's an amazing idea! Let's do it!" Catboy told her, cutting Gecko off once again.

As both Catboy and Owlette dashed towards the machine, Gecko let out a tired sigh before following behind them reluctantly. This goes on for around an hour more, where Gecko tries to tell his teammates this vital information that's definitely needed yet they instead ignore him. This isn't the first time that I've seen this routine happen, and I doubt that it'll be the last time for a while. They have gotten better at listening to him from what I have seen, but it's still obvious that they don't listen to him as often as they should.

After a while, Romeo eventually captures both Catboy and Owlette as they had gotten ahead of themselves again. Gecko is hiding from Romeo's vision, yet I can see him still. He looks... tired. Tired and frustrated.

"Let us go, Romeo!" Owlette cried out.

"Unhand us this instant!" Catboy growled at him, trying to escape.

Romeo let out a teasing laugh before speaking. "Oooh, but why? You both are much less annoying when you're like this! It's so nice!"

The two continued to bicker at him and even at one another, with Romeo taunting them about how he's going to take over the world and there's nothing they can do about it and they demanded for him to let them go. Out of the corner of my robotic eye, I see something green moving towards Romeo's machines. I turned and saw that it was Gecko, who is at this point ignoring his teammates, I'm guessing because he knows that they aren't in any danger at this time.

"Hold on, what are you doing-" I say to him, walking towards him as to stop him from presumably destroying it.

He quickly shot his head in my direction and spoke in an annoyed tone. "Something that I have been trying to tell my friends that we should do for the past hour."

I froze as he spoke and as I saw his face, and more importantly, his eyes. His body language, his voice, his determination, it all read off as angry and frustrated with everything, but his eyes.. his eyes show deep sadness and tiredness, just wanting to be listened to for once and not be ignored by the others. A look that I'm all too familiar with because of Romeo.

I could only bring myself to look down at him as he turned back towards the machines and continues walking. Quickly, he made it to the part that transfer's the power for the dome and grabbed it.

Holding up the part with one hand using his Gecko super strength, he turned towards the three who are still talking and whistled loudly towards them. They all looked at him, with his team looking confused while Romeo went wide eyed, realizing what he was planning.

"WAIT, DON'T-" Romeo cried out, reaching his arms towards Gecko, ready to run at him.

*CRASH*

Gecko threw it directly below him with all his strength, the gears, bolts and nuts flying everywhere. The power to the city was temporarily cut off, as the part was connected to it, but it only lasted a second, basically having it only seem like something minor. With it also being connected to the machine that was in middle of forming the dome, not only did the dome dissipate, the machine also started making noises that were clearly not something that was good. Gecko gave Romeo an apologizing glance before looking at his teammates. By the looks of their faces, they could definitely see that he was angry with them, but even underneath his rage, I could see that he is just trying not to cry in front of his friends.

*WARNING: UNCONTROLLED FIRE IN AREA*

The machine, from the inside, had caught on fire. This, after not being able to move out of shock, caused me to grab Romeo and start running away from the area, trying to not get him hurt incase of an explosion.

"ROBOT, WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP HIM FROM DESTROYING IT?! YOU WERE RIGHT THERE!" Romeo yelled, slamming his fists into my metal shoulders. This was something he did often when he's upset, considering that it couldn't hurt or damage me.

"Sorry, Master. Something else had caught my attention before I could."

Memory log 3,698 - Date: Oct. 24, 2015 - Time: 01:36

"Master, you need to go to bed. You can continue working on your next plan in the morning." I told Romeo sternly, trying to get him to comply with me on this for once.

"Come on, just a few more minutes! I'm so close to perfecting it!!" He said, still writing it on a whiteboard for himself.

"You said that 15 minutes ago. It's time for you to sleep." I told him, picking him up.

"Wha- come on!" Romeo whined, though he didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around my neck when I placed him on my back.

"You heard me, Master. Now, let's get you ready for bed."

"Hngh..." He reluctantly complied, resting his head on my shoulder.

After a few minutes of walking towards his room, I could feel his head lift up from my shoulder and turn towards the window.

"Wait, put me down, I need to see something-" He said, trying to get down from my back as I held him.

"No, Master. I'm not having you try to run off to avoid sleep."

"I'm not this time! I promise I won't! Please, put me down for a moment!" He cried out, pulling at my shirt as he continued to try and get down. I could tell he was genuinely trying to get a closer look at something.

"Fine, but it's not going to be for long." I told him, putting him back on the ground. He quickly ran over to the window and looked down.

"What's he doing over here? Luna said that she was going to be on the other side of town.." He whispered to himself, looking puzzled.

My own curiosity got the better of me and I walked over to Romeo and looked where he was looking. It was Gecko, sitting down against the brick wall of a building, his head resting on his knees while he curled up.

What was he doing over here? He doesn't look hurt at all, at least not from up here. And his team is on the other side of town, just around where Luna Girl was, I saw that for myself. So why?

After a moment of silence between us, Romeo spoke up, backing away from the window.

"I'm going to see why he's over here."

"No, Master. You need to go to bed!" I told him sternly, turning towards him.

"I need to see what Gecko is doing! I promise I won't be long!" He cried out, looking up at me with those big blue eyes of his.

I mean, should I? Sure, he could just be using him to get out of going to bed, but he seems to be genuinely curious. And I can't say that I'm not curious either.. or maybe even concerned. But I can't experience that emotion, or any human emotion... Can I?

I let out a defeated sigh before answering. "Fine, but don't make it too long. I'll prepare you some tea and clothes to sleep in for when you get back."

"Ooh! Okay, thank you Robot! I promise I'll be quick!" Romeo yelled out as he ran off towards the door that leads outside.

25 minutes has passed, and Romeo still isn't back. I couldn't help but wonder if he just ran back to his lab after talking to Gecko, as it would be a good time to do so. I decided to go back to the window where we first saw him to see if either Romeo or Gecko was actually there. As I was looking down, both of them were sitting on the ground, backs against the brick wall of the building. Gecko looks to be yelling and going off, but not at Romeo or about Romeo. Just in general, as his arms were expressive and his hands talked along with him. Romeo was clearly listening very closely, occasionally joining in and making a statement of his own, which Gecko would stop his rant momentarily to listen to him and agree. Still curious about what happened, I decided to open the window to maybe hear what they're talking about.

"AND IT'S JUST- IT'S LITERALLY NOT THAT HARD! JUST GET OUT OF YOUR OWN HEAD FOR MORE THAN A FEW SECONDS AT A TIME TO ACTUALLY HEAR ME OUT!!" I heard Gecko cry out, holding his arms out. "THAT'S ALL I ASK FROM THEM, BUT NOOOO, BECAUSE I AM YOUNGER THAN THEM, STRUGGLE WITH SCHOOL, AND EVEN STRUGGLE WITH THINGS LIKE SOCIAL CUES, THEY JUST THINK THAT I HAVE NOTHING IMPORTANT TO SAY!!"

Romeo simply nodded his head in agreement before speaking up, letting out an annoyed scoff as he rolled his eyes. "Tell me about it! Night Ninja and Luna Girl think the exact same thing about me! It's so hard to actually come up with a plan when I work with them at any given point!"

Gecko let out a chuckle as he took in a deep breath. "Well, at least you don't have to work with them 24/7 like I do! Or heck, even really be friends with them! You could just be like a co-worker to them if you want!"

"Yeah, true. At least there's that for me! But hey, unlike me, you could at least have a chance to correct them without needing to get physical at all or raise your voice!" Romeo chimed in, giving him a soft, genuine smile, which he rarely gives out to anyone except me.

"You aren't wrong on that, but it feels like that's the only way to get them to listen to me! Just simply talking to them doesn't seem to work for more than a week!" Gecko yelled out, holding his arms out again.

"Ooooh-ho-ho, don't even get me started on that!"

As I listened in on their conversation, I quickly noticed just how similar they were. They both have trouble getting others to listen to them, they both struggle with school and the social aspects of life, and their ages are the youngest of their respective groups. Both of them are tired of not being taken seriously, but they handle their situations very differently. Romeo often just makes them listen to him after so long, ranging from restraining them or just straight up hitting them until they do as he says. From all that I've seen, Gecko just sits backs and stays quiet about it, and the few times he does speak up, he just yells at them about it. Nothing more. Romeo shows anger with his issue, while Gecko shows sadness with his.

After a few minutes of listening to them, something in my metal chest just slowly started to feel what humans describe as an ache. Not a physical pain, but something similar.

Why am I feeling like this? Nothing is wrong with my internal system or anything, but why do I feel terrible? All I did was listen to those two and their struggles, but it shouldn't make me feel like this. It shouldn't.. yet it does. Seeing them just rant about their problems, not even looking for a solution for it as they have already tried to, it just.. The looks of tiredness on their faces, the anger yet sadness in their voices, I just cannot- I can't-

I closed the window, trying to get whatever this supposed aching feeling was in my chest to stop. I walked away from the window and started to clean up a few things to take my mind off of them and their conversation.

Around 10 more minutes pass by before Romeo comes back inside, rubbing his eye as he let out a yawn.

"Hello, Robot. Sorry about taking so long, got a bit caught up in conversation.."

"Hm? Well, what did you find out while you were talking to him?" I asked while picking him up again, as if I didn't already know the answer.

Romeo stayed quiet for a second before speaking up quietly, giving me a soft smile. "That someone else can actually understand the way I feel."

"... That's great, Master."

[pretty-chaotic-world]

if my BPD can scream

1. I wish i could have a normal love... but no, my brain wants to worship every little detail of you until it drives me insane

2. sorry i pushed you away i felt abandoned and suicidal 

3. I’m sick of going to bed and knowing things won’t be better tomorrow 

4. I'll ask you thousands times if you really love, please don't get annoyed

5. I'll create "drama" and mishaps only to feel like I'm in home

6. i’m afraid that one day my anger will overshadow the little love i still have left for the world

7. I feel numb. No tears, no anger, nothing. Just going through the same day again and again. I would rather just sleep without waking up.

8. I'm so tired of everytime one small argument or inconvenience breaks out I want to end it and self destruct, it's so draining. 

9. I want to stop feeling anything and when i actually don't it breaks my heart but I can't cry it out.

10. "its all in your head" well duh where tf else is it gonna be??? in my fucking kidneys????

11. I am constantly between wanting people to care about me and wanting them not to so I can hurt myself without feeling guilty 

12. Psychiatrist told me there is no cure for bpd and I've to change myself. Well why cant they just let me die then?

13. Until you live with bpd you'll never know what it's like to be too much and not enough at the same time.

14. i know im constantly too much for everyone but sometimes i just want to be enough for someone

15. if he will leave me, my next diagnosis will be of "sociopath"

16. im so jealous of all the people who see him and touch him and talk to him every single day it should be me me me me 

17. oh I got my hair coloured. why? because I can't hurt myself anymore 

18. "you're so distant" because you can't handle my abandonment issues.

19. My younger self disappoint me a lot. like why were you begging people to stay in your life? ohh no worries I know the answer

20. I wanna throw a plate against the wall, stab a knife through my hand, destroy my laptop with a hammer, smash my door in with an axe and spray graffiti all over the walls of my room 

21. Why shouldn’t I be mad? Why can’t I just be angry and be allowed to feel it? Why can’t I burn everything down?

22. I have to watch my mouth every fucking second to make sure I don't destroy every relation I have coz apparently social life matters!!

23. Isnt it fucked up how he got away with every horrible thing he made me experience and I’m the one who has to live with myself feeling absolutely fucking worthless 

24. I don't deserve food and love. im a horrible person.

25. this is how my eating cycle goes

feeling weak coz i haven't ate anything -> eat -> purge -> feeling guilty after purging -> eat more -> feeling guilty after eating so much -> cry coz you don't know what's happening

26. the diagnosis makes me believe I'm not insane just lil emo ig!! NOOOO YOU'RE INSANE

27. “don’t let it bother u” baby i’m gonna be bothered by this for the next 10 years 

28. if I tell you I love you its equivalent to I can kill someone for you

29. Actually upon further inspection that shit really hurt my feelings 

30. I don't dive into insecurity anymore, i drown in self-loathe

31. i shut up in between group convo coz I know I'll talk invaluable shit and nobody really cares what I say until it's psychology class

32. "if you are fully aware of yourself, why do you keep acting like that?" slapping self awareness on top of bpd only grants the ability to watch yourself self-destruct straight from the vip section thats all it does literally

33. “Where do you see yourself in the future” building a cult for mentally ill people 

34. ofc I've a praise kind i was ignored as a child

35. I'm much better than I was before. you know why coz I don't to air now and don't see monsters walking by side all the time

36. No I don't want to self harm anymore I need to kill that fucking monster

37. Don't mind me, I'm just casually sabotaging all my positive relationships with negative delusions because my life doesn't feel real unless something dramatic and destructive is constantly occurring 

38. i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care (im going to sob my fucking eyes out)

39. “Stop making your disorder your personality” I have a fucking personality disorder for god sake

40. turning my mental illnesses into kinks and calling it the BDSM-5 

41. "destroy something precious while you're in rage" ohh yeaa and then I'll do that again and again 

42. what I hate most about my BPD is the fact that I have started doubting every emotion that I’ve ever felt in my life, whether it’s love, my grief through multiple traumas, or my anger, & it’s so saddening. It has actually led me to start questioning my reality.

43. if I need medication to stay alive, am I really meant to be here?

44. it's either be alone without 75% of my symptoms, or be with someone and display the most horrendous unstable awful version of myself. why do i have to choose between love & happiness or peace & stability?

45. That fucking bpd rage where everyone's voices makes you want to scream and every noise around you makes you want to sh and you're so mad you can almost feel the cuts everywhere 

46. getting worked up to the point of becoming physically ill (throwing up/stomach issues etc) because you felt rejected/abandoned by your favourite person  

47. i wish my trauma made me kind as everyone says but i’m becoming what i fear the most- a monster.

48. imagine getting diagnosed with a personality disorder and the only visible representation of that disorder is an animated horse man, a sociopathic sitcom character from philadelphia, and darth vader

[lyon-amore]

*Special oneshot based on my story ‘What if…? Duskwood’ but you can read it without having read the story, about what would have happened if a drunk Macie went to Jake’s house. It may contain some uncomfortable conversation, so don't force yourself to read it if you're uncomfortable with sexual topics. I hope you like it.*

I had lied to Lian and Brian about taking the bus and going home to sleep. I wasn't going home, I was going to see Jake. I admit that at first I was horny and wanted to see him for a crazy night with him, but the bus ride reminds me of how angry I am and all the things I want to say to him. Why does he deserve for me to go see him happy and excited? Besides, he hasn't answered any of my messages. What does he think? He kicks me out of the house and on top of that he doesn't answer me. Really? He could at least tell me that what happened was a mistake and that we should forget about it, but no, the idiot goes and ignores me! Me! He's ignoring me! Well, it's not something new, but this time I'm going to tell him straight, he's going to find out.

    When I get to the stop, I get off, stumbling on my heels and Turing to keep my dress from getting caught in the door.

    I swear as I recover, striding towards the building. The only sound is my heels clicking in the alley and the cats moving away as if they know a storm of fury is coming. That's it, I'm furious. He's not going to get a sweet, understanding Macie, this is going to be the worst Macie he's going to see tonight, I don't care what he says to me, I'm not going to shut up.

    I stumbled so much that I ended up taking off my heels. Going up to the top floor in them is a real pain. I don't want to end up on the floor while talking to Jake either. That would be like crawling.

I knock on the door repeatedly and without stopping until he opens the door. He complains about the knock I gave him.

   “Macie?” He looks at me confused, with a pained voice while he rubs where I hit him “What are you doing here

   “I'm so sor—” I stop. What am I doing? No groveling, head held high “No! I'm not sorry!”

    I enter his apartment, pushing him to enter.

   “You haven't answered my messages!” I cross my arms, with heels in hand

    Jake sighs and avoids looking at me.

“Jake?” I call again, hoping he'll answer.

   “I do not think it would have been a good idea,” he answers slowly, as if he were careful with his words. “Besides, in your condition, I do not think it is a good idea to talk.”

   “My condition? What condition?” I look at him confused, not understanding what he means.

    He pinches the bridge of his nose and leans back against his desk. He looks dejected. Better yet, he deserves to feel bad after what he's done, to give me hope and destroy it.

   “You are drunk, talking to you in these conditions—”

    “I'm not drunk, I'm fine,” I stop him, tired of hearing him being so formal. For once I want to see the Jake who gets out of control like me over this matter, because it can't be that he is truly calm when I am dying because of what happened, “and since you haven't answered me, I'm here to tell you things to your face,” I put my arms on my hips, showing how furious I am.

   “Well… go ahead,” he makes a gesture with his hand, giving me permission.

    I like it that way, that he let me talk about how I feel.

   “Look, I don't know what you're playing with me, but everything you said, that you think about me, that you want to keep me so that I stay, that you reproduce my smiles...” I try to imitate his voice as a mockery, truly annoying “Fuck! I've had more intimacy with you touching your hand than with myself!”

    I watch as he shifts in place, blushing slightly.

   “I have never wanted to play with you—”

   “Of course not! You've only made me fall in love with you!” He blinks in surprise, while I'm just furious. “A guy who looks like he's falling asleep, looking like he needs a spa! And yet you're so attractive when you talk that you turn me on! To the point that you are the only man I have ever met who has made me feel this way! THE ONLY ONE! EVEN MY EX-BOYFRIEND COULD NOT DO IT! HE DID NOT GIVE ME A SINGLE ORGASM!”

    He puts his hand to the collar of his hoodie, as if he were adjusting it.

   “And if that weren't enough, you don't know how many times I've fantasized about doing it on your desk while I wished you would touch me with your hands to the point of begging you!”

    He steps away from the desk as he clears his throat and his light reddish tone changes to a more intense one, all over his face.

   “And what worries me the most is that while I'm thinking about how amazing you are and how much I like you,” I try to hold back my tears, not wanting to show that I'm falling into a deep pit of truly humiliating myself, “you must be thinking about another woman, Hannah—”

   “Macie—” he starts to approach me, but I stop him.

   “No, don't come to me with 'Oh, Macie, I'm sorry, Hannah is my only love, that's why I can't be with you',” so as not to humiliate myself, I try to imitate him again. He won't see me cry, “because I don't want to hear it, I already know that that girl is important to you and that I'm not going to be on her level, I know it, so save it.”

    I cross my arms again, ignoring his gaze. For a guy I'm genuinely interested in and he's in love with someone else. The world loves to laugh at me.

    Jake walks over and I glance at him out of the corner of my eye, feeling my heart race and my breathing hitch. Again that feeling of wanting him to make me his, but I had to resist.

    Damn... the way he looks at me it's like I'm the only one for him, I feel like I could throw myself at him right now.

   "Are you done yet?" he asks me in a velvety but concerned voice.

   “I don't know,” I shake my head while swallowing nervously, “there are still many things I want to say.”

   “I am going to... Make some coffee, maybe that will calm you down a bit.”

   “Yes please.”

    Jake walks past me and I bite my lip at the scent of him, he drives me crazy.

He walks over to the kitchen and pulls out the stove, and as I do so, I tilt my head to watch him.

   "Have anyone told you have a nice ass?" I ask sincerely

    I watch him juggle the glasses in the thermos, then lean on the counter and sigh heavily.

   “Macie…”

   “Sorry, but for someone who spends all day on the computer, I'm surprised.”

   I listen to him laugh, though it might have been another exaggerated sigh.

    Dizzily, I sit back in my chair, watching the computer screen go blank. Damn, I wanted to see if it had anything on his past.

   “It’s dangerous for you to be on the computer right now,” he says as I listen to the sound of coffee brewing. It smells great… “I do not want you to send messages to your friends by mistake.”

   “They don't deserve my angry messages, you do.”

    He finishes making the drink and walks over, sliding the glass over to me.

   “I already know that,” I look up, observing him. His green eyes are sad. Like the first time we met. There's something hidden in them, “so I do not blame you, you can tell me whatever you want.”

   “If you act like that, you're making things complicated for me,” I take a sip of my coffee, but I make a disgusted face as I drink it, “It's horrible!”

   “Bitter, I know, that will help you get over your drunkenness,” he takes his, arching his eyebrows, amused.

   “I hate you and I hope your computer blows up like a bomb,” I make the sound and he laughs, “and not only that, I wish your hair falls out, you don't deserve me fantasizing about grabbing it while I kiss you.”

   “Mhm…” he takes another sip, but with a red face this time.

   “But what am I saying? You don't deserve anything from me! Because you're using me to get your lover back!”

    Jake nods, agreeing with me like I'm a fool.

   “Let us hope you do not remember any of this tomorrow.”

   ‘I'm going to remember it, because I always remember everything,” I point out accusingly, “and I'm going to be mad at you until I die, I hate you SO MUCH Jacob Hacker.”

   “And I deserve it.”

    I nod and go back to drinking the disgusting coffee. I can't even trust him to make me one. He's an idiot! I'll hate him forever!

    I'll spend the night blaming him for getting my hopes up and saying that I'm not going to continue investigating with him to find Hannah. I let him do it alone, I’ll give up, I’ll live my life as usual and forget about him.

Get ready Jake, because I’m not going to shut up.

 

▀▄▀▄▀▄Jake▄▀▄▀▄▀

    I see Macie resting her head on the desk as she sleeps. The coffee has taken effect, calming her down.

    I look at her arm, she has goosebumps. I take off my sweatshirt and try to put it on her as best I can, hoping she will not wake up.

    When I try to pull the hair out, I brush my fingers against her neck, which makes her flinch, but she does not wake up. I, on the other hand, get nervous, because it is just an accident.

    I watched her sleep while I worked on programming the riddles in case I had to run away and tell her the truth. She deserves it when I am gone and I do not want her to feel sorry for me after seeing her angry. I deserve it. I know I deserve your anger for not telling anyone.

   “Hannah is not my lover,” I say even though I know she cannot hear me, “but everything you have said, I will not deny that I have fantasized about it too… You fascinate me.”

   “You fascinate me too…” she answers, but I think she is talking in her sleep.

    I blush. I have thought about so many things with her, bordering on the immoral. But not only that, but also what it would be like to date her without getting into trouble with the law, if I had met her before, to know if we would be able to be a normal couple, dreaming of a future together, who plan dates or stay up late watching series until one of them falls asleep and the other reproaches them for it. What would it be like to spend the night lying awake in bed, talking about what we did during the day and maybe, to maintain a moment in which we wish for each other as if the world were ending tomorrow.

    Slowly, I run my finger carefully down her cheek, stopping for a moment from working. She looks like an angel when she sleeps. So peaceful. So quiet. And it bothers me a little, because I long to hear her voice.

    She opens her mouth and sighs. Will she notice my touch?

I hear the notification sound. Her phone. On the screen, Aiden appears. He has sent her a message.

------------------------------------------------

Aiden

Macie, are you okay?

I heard you left because you were feeling unwell, you could have told me, I would have taken you home

Text me when you see this

------------------------------------------------

    That message brings me back to reality. We cannot... I cannot... But how long am I going to keep hiding what I really feel?

    I take a deep breath as I look at her. She should not be here, she should go home.

   “Macie?” I whisper her name, trying not to scare her, “Wake up, you should go home now

    She does not answer or open her eyes, she just sleeps.

    “Jake…” the way she says my name makes me feel a pleasant shiver through my body. It is a delicate voice, “Idiot…”

    And there is angry Macie.

I let out a weak laugh. I guess I have no other way to do it, right?

Within a few minutes I hack into her phone, looking at the address of her main WiFi.

    I put it into Google Maps and get up from my chair, putting on my mask and gloves, gathering my lockpicks for when I get back, and I carry Macie on my back while she sleeps.

    I am going to look suspicious, but I cannot just leave her sleeping here, not after what happened.

    I close the door carefully and go down the stairs slowly so as not to wake her. I feel her breath on my neck, tickling me. I can also smell her shampoo even though the mask is doing its job of blocking my nose. Or is it just me wanting to know what she smells like?

    I am getting nervous again. I cannot help it, she... Makes me think about things I never expected to think about, it distracts me. She makes me be myself. It does not bother me, because I have been alone for years and it is like getting a part of myself back, but I do not want to hurt her. What should I do?

    We board the bus that takes us near her neighborhood. Macie rests her head on my shoulder as we travel. I cannott look away, like that time she fell asleep in the writing room too.

    I smile at her. At least she is calmer.

I see that her hair is covering her face and I brush it away. I want to see more of her peaceful expression.

    I carry her like before and when I get to her house, I search for the keys in her bag. It seems like everyone is sleeping and that is a good thing. I already look more suspicious than usual.

    I walk in slowly and take off my shoes, leaving them at the entrance. I carefully place Macie’s on the floor, then wonder… Where is her room?

   “This is not good…” I tell myself while my brain processes what a bad idea it was to bring her. 

    This is the first time I have been to her house without her permission. I could get into trouble.

    I then decide to go inside the house, to the living room. There is a rather spacious corner with a fence, where there is a small rabbit sleeping on a small bed. That must be her “Son”.

    I carefully lay her down on the couch, carefully removing the sweatshirt without touching any part of her body, covering her with the blanket on the back of the couch.

    I crouch down to check on her, see if she is okay, if she needs any more help. I run my hands through her hair, brushing it away. I want to see her one more time like this, I know there will not be any more opportunities, I want to at least have this image of her engraved in my head forever.

   “Your computer just went boom…”

    I stop myself from laughing as I listen to her. At least she’s living in her dreams what she wants.

I stare at her, wishing I could at least place a kiss on her forehead. I lick my lips at the thought, then remember that she is in bad shape again. I do not want to take advantage of his condition. She would hate me.

   “I am so sorry for what I made you feel, Macie,” I rest my forehead on hers, at least, this kind of contact does not hurt either of us, “please hate me, it is easier for me to stay away from you this way.”

   “Stay…” She talks in her sleep again, I wonder if it is because of the stress that makes her do it.

    Hearing that word, even in a dream, makes me rethink everything. I want to do it. I want to stay by her side. I want to regain a small part of myself that I lost and that she is helping me to regain. With her I have hope that everything can turn out well.

    Instead of kissing her face, I take her hand and kiss her knuckles, as if she were someone important. And she is. She has become someone important to me.

    I stand up and walk back to the entrance, putting my sneakers back on. I hesitate for a moment as I place my hand on the doorknob, thinking about staying until he wakes up and finding out if he's okay. But how would I see her? I still do not dare have a serious conversation about what happened. I threw her out of my house without giving her an explanation. What could I say to her now?

    I open the door, mentally preparing myself for the fact that I will have to tell her someday. And I just hope I can do it before I have to disappear from her life again.

[crimsonlyinglilly]

Familiar Faces- A New Start part 2

AN- trying to find a balance that is including the important bits without making it a complete rewrite of all the episode.

also trying to keep Elijah both the one we know and also a teenager struggling with normal issues, and his special brand of haunted.

----

“I'm sensing Seattle, and he plays the guitar.” Bonnie says as they stare at the back of the new student.

“You're really going to run this whole psychic thing into the ground, huh?” she asks with a smile on her face, Bonnie had a way of lightening the weight on her heart.

“Pretty much.” Bonnie smirks back. 

Elena’s smile might have stayed if she hadn’t seen Jeremy vanish into a door over Bonnie’s shoulder, she could trust Caroline not to let Elijah retreat into himself, Jeremy had his own issues.

“I'll be right back.” she sighed as left Bonnie and followed her brother into the boy’s bathroom.

She finds her brother dripping eye drops onto his eyes. She ignores the other boy’s shouts to grab Jeremy’s face to check if he's high.

“Great. It's the first day of school and you're stoned.” she starts ignoring his complaints “Where is it? Is it on you?” she reaches to search

“Stop, all right?!” he tells her as he pulls back “You need to chill yourself, all right?”

“Chill myself?” she repeated “What is that, stoner talk? Dude, you are so cool.” she mocked

“Look, stop!” Jeremy shouts “I don't have anything on me. Are you crazy?”

“You haven't seen crazy, Jeremy!” she warned “I gave you a summer pass, but I am done watching you destroy yourself.” she lets all she been holding in, out before she could think better of it,  “No, no, no, you know what? Go ahead. Keep it up. But just know that I am going to be there to ruin your buzz every time, you got it?” she tells him. “Jeremy, I know who you are. And it's not this person. So don't be this person.”

”I don't need this.” Jeremy replies as he walks away, and Elena wants Elijah even if he had proven to be little help with Jeremy’s problem, back when it was just him smoking in his room.

Her brothers alway managed to have something that she didn’t, the same way she and Elijah had something and she and Jeremy had, even knowing that it didn’t stop her feeling she was missing something.

She’s thinking about that as she leaves the bathroom and runs straight into another’s chest.

She doesn’t recognise the boys she had run into, sure she would remember someone looking like that, she’s too busy staring she misses half his words

“Um...is this the men's room?” he asked, Bonnie’s wish was granted she thought as she took in the pretty boy.

“Yes. Um, I was just,” she stumbled over her words as she took in her situation “Um—I was just—It's a long story....” she offers, with a smile.

She moved, trying to get out of his way only for him to move with her.

And again.

It’s the third time before he turns to let her pass.

She thanked him as she tried not to think how embarrassing of a first meeting it was. 

It still didn’t stop her from trading glances with him when she finds him in her history class or smiling when she got a text from Bonnie.

HAWT-E. STARING @ U.

—-

Elijah made a point to sit with Jeremy at lunch, smiling as a warning when his brother made to leave.

“Look i’ve had it with Elena’s-” Jeremy started,

“I haven’t seen her since first thing,” Elijah cut him off as he sat at the table “you know we don’t have classes together.” he reminded him, he’s pretty sure the school had done that on purpose, since they hadn’t had a single class in common since they started highschool. “I’m just here to have lunch with my little brother, is that a problem?” he asked, smiling brightly when Jeremy gave in with a sigh and pulled out the sandwiches he had made.

He knew Elena was worrying about Jeremy addictions but Elijah thought that they couldn’t both be openly against him, so as much as he hated to leave his twin alone as Elena stresses over it, Elijah was keeping himself neutral so when Jeremy grew tired of it or needed help without judgement he would know Elijah was going to be there.

Elijah's dreams have shown him enough, they’re weren’t real he reminds himself but that doesn’t mean he can’t use them to learn.

Elijah won’t let Jeremy fall as far as the version of himself in some of his dreams, alone on the streets willing to do anything for something to dull the world

‘Tristan de Martel, but you will call me Sir.’ It had ended in pain he knew it would but the promise of another fix meant he hadn’t cared. 

Jeremy had him, Elena and Aunt Jenna to stop it going that far, and while he dabbles Elijah will watch him.

—-

She goes to mom and dad’s grave after school to write in her journal, after helping Bon to take- kidnap- Elijah to see her Grams. It was going fine until the bird and creepy fog, then she accused the new boy of stalking her while he was visiting his own family there.

Great Job Elena.

“Oh. Wow. Tactless.” she admits before she fails to stop the apology from becoming a rambling rant “I'm sorry. It's the fog, It's making me foggy. And then back there, there was this - this bird, and it was all very Hitchcock for a second. That is the bird movie, right, the Hitchcock?...I'm Elena.” she offers

“I'm Stefan.” he smiled back and it had started going well, like a normal conversion without the burden of anything, until he somehow noticed she had hurt herself, and she had pulled her pant leg up to show a bloody cut.

“Oh! Would you look at that? That is not pretty.” she said before she noticed the change in Stefab “Are you okay?” she asked as he looked away.

“You should go. Take care of that.” he told her, shr looked back at the bloodied leg, 

“Really, it's nothing.” She tells him only to find him gone.

—-

When Elijah had first started having tea sessions Bonnie hadn’t been that interested, it was odd that Elijah would be there for her grams and not for her with Elena but Grams had explained it was to find other ways to help him with his nightmares and episodes.

As they grew she did grow more curious but Grams had always insisted it was private, then Elijah had just stopped coming after the Gilbert's death, she thought he would start again but he didn’t, Elena had worried that Elijah rarely left his room when at home.

Caroline had promised to fix that and had, dragging him to hers after school, for practice, setting the boys on him during the summer.  

Bonnie had alway been a little fascinated by Caroline and Elijah’s relationship, sometimes closer than Caroline is with Elena or her, but it wasn’t until this summer that it really hit her that Caroline had basically adopted Elijah as her brother as well.

Or that Elijah had accepted it as well that he would allow the blonde’s bullying the same way he did Elena’s.

Now having sat through one she thinks Grams and Elijah had been playing mind games, she’s sure there was a discussion under their talk, one she missed completely, and she couldn’t ask him on the way to drop him home because he had insisted on running home, despite the warning of animal attacks.

—--

Elijah had gotten home while she was getting herself ready for the Grill, having walked home for some reason, she didn’t get a text from Bonnie so she assumed they hadn’t had an argument, she still decided to try to get him to come out with her tonight.

“Just the night at the Grill, please.” She pleaded with him from his doorway, all dressed up but making one last attempt, he looked up at her from where he was half laying on his bed.

“Can’t.” he pointed to the pair of cats, one curled on his stomach the other just below his knees.

“Come on.” she tries again.

“No thanks.” he smirked.

“‘Jah” she whined.

“‘Na” he copied her, she gave him her best pleading eyes only letting up when he sighed “next time, ‘Lana, alright i promise.”

“Teatime with Grams tire you out that much.” she asks after getting the admission, he frowned at her, “alright fine, next time, i‘m holding you to it.” she warned.

“You have my word.” he swore, hand going to his chest.

Her brother always took his word seriously, and it was the thing he took the worst when she or Jeremy ever broke theirs to him, and the reason he and Tyler got in half their fights. 

“Night then.” she called as she left, it was a good thing she hadn’t reminded him about the party in the woods yet since now that would class as next time.

She explained herself to Aunt Jenna before she left only to find Stefan on the doorstep, with her forgotten diary, finding out he also kept a journal and understood her was great, she decided to invite him with her when she came back to find him still standing at her door.

—

Jenna made a point to check in with Elijah every night, she had noticed that even if Elijah went to bed earlier than both Elena and Jeremy he’d be awake around midnight or some time after.

At first she had stood at the doorway but after a week he had told her to sit on the bed or a chair as he felt bad for her to be stuck standing.

So after that she simply sat on the edge of the bed and waited for him to talk, a lot of nights they were silent, sometimes he’d admit something of his nightmares, others he’d ask her a random question or just how she was coping.

She never asked to much just waited for him, like she’d never try to read either of the twin’s journals, not that any of Elijah’s were legible, she had seen them open on the table a few times, normally when he had been distracted by one of the cats, written in a collection of colours half of her think it’s code.

Before their lives had changed, the most she had ever gotten involved with her older nephew's illness was looking after Elena and Jeremy during the earliest times when Grayson and Miranda had insisted on taking him to the hospital.

He hadn’t had an episode since her sister’s death and Jenna was terrified when it would happen, but she wasn’t going to let him hide it from her, and she had learned enough that all three of her new kids weren’t the sharing kind.

She knew both the twins were trying their best to keep as much from her, but they shouldn’t have to, they were seventeen.

Elena shouldn’t need to scan both her brothers every time she sees them, and shouldn't be worried about Jenna’s workload or how she’s coping.

Elijah had spent most the summer hiding in his room but during the school term he had been up before her with lunch made, asking if she wanted something.

“You didn’t want to go with her?” Jenna asked as she entered the room, after Elena had left.

“No, I promised her the next time.” he offers instead before she could ask him why.

“The back to school party.” she says as she remembers her own, jumping in surprise at his reaction.

“What?!” Elijah sat up suddenly, hand moving to hold the cat on his chest as he did, “no-”

“You forgot.” she realised.

“Caroline would-” he cut himself off as it hit him “Caroline kept quiet on purpose.” he groaned as he realised she had been distracting him most the day with the threat of properly joining the cheer team.

“Caroline knows you almost as much as Elena, you don’t stand a chance if they're working together.” she smiles as he lays back down with a heavy sigh.

“Did I tell you she got me on the team?” he tells her with a heavy sigh.

“You weren’t already.” she asked, sure he had been part of it last year.

“Not officially, Caroline talked to the coach over the summer, they had me measured for a uniform today.” he complained.

“You're going to look so cute.” she couldn’t help herself, “it’s been years since you and Elena matched.”

“You're as bad as them.” he pouted at her before looking down at the small black cat on his arm “Kit you're my favourite.”

“She wasn’t always?” she asks knowing the answers but adding “what about poor Lucifer?” anyway.

“Luci knows he can be a favourite once he learns not to use his claws.” he sends a small disapproving glare at the large black and white cat that looked up and gave a flick of one of his ears.

Ignoring the fact that if the cat hadn’t learnt in the three years they had him, he wasn’t likely to start now. Still she smiled at her nephew while he wasn’t looking at her.

It was nice to see him acting like a kid for once.

—-

“How's Elena doing?” Matt starts and Bonnie has to bite back a groan, did Elijah have this during the summer, she loved her friends, grew up with them but really.

“Her mom and dad died. How do you think?” she replies, “She's putting on a good face, but it's only been four months.”

“Has she said anything about me?” he asks.

“Oh, no.” she tells him, “So not getting in the middle.You pick up the phone and call her.”

“I feel weird calling her. She broke up with me.” he confesses which she’ll give him is fair but-

“Give it more time, Matt. Besides, you could have talked to her when you were there for Elijah during the summer.” she adds.

“And give him an excuse to escape, you don’t know what he’s like, he’s nicer for you girls.” Matt complains. 

Bonnie would argue but Grams had caught Elijah three times attempting to escape the tea she had joined them for afterschool, when Bonnie hadn’t even noticed Elijah shifting the conversation to an exit.

Any more thoughts on boy-twin were shelved as Elena entered the Grill with the new boy by her side.

“More time, huh?” Matt said to Bonnie and she smiled sadly at him as she heard the pain in his voice as he left to greet them.

They all ended up at a table as Caroline to a lead to investigate the new boy.

While Bonnie felt for Matt, when Stefan turned to Elena to ask if he was coming she cut in.

“Of course she is.” in case Elena refused, she smiled at Elena, instead Elena surprised her when she added

“I’ve even got Elijah to come.” looking at Caroline as she said it, because of this Bonnie was the only one that saw as Stefan flinched at Elijah’s name.

“It worked.” Caroline beamed at her.

“He gave me his word.”

[womanpl3aser]

The arrival୨୧

it was a lovely silent night, no work, no stress, not anything. You were sitting on your bed listening to some music until u got a text from ellie

heyyy

it wasn't unusual for her to text you at night but it felt kind of different this time since she was still at work

hii baby how's work

U saw ellie typing something but then it'd disappear. U felt ur stomach tense up because of that, she usually answers quicker than the flash of light. The typing and stopping went on for 3 minutes until she finally replied

it's fine, how are ya love, did u eat something?

U felt kind of relieved because of her answer, you thought that something was serious because she kept on typing and erasing.

Yeah,I did infact eat sum and u? What'd u eat

Delivered.

That was weird.

15 minutes pass. no answer..

Another 15 minutes pass, still no answer.. you started to get anxious because she would never ignore u, would she?

40 minutes pass..

4+ notifications

fuck I'm sorry babe for not replying earlier something unexpected happened

replied to you (Yeah,I did infact eat sum and u? What'd u eat)

No I didn't eat hun ill just get smth from burgers king on my way home

babyyyy

did I upset u ml?

Im sorry for this sudden thing, I will tell u everything when I get home

I love you so much

When she texted you these you were blasting music thru your headphones to distract yourself from your thoughts cause that's what you'd always do. You heard some buzzes from your phone but u didn't spare a glance at it thinking it was from a useless app u had forgotten to delete.

30 minutes pass and still no ellie home. You decided to check your phone now and see if she texted u.

Ooh okay ellie, don't worry it's okay jus be safe, when are you coming back?

You replied to (I love you so much)

I love you more els pls come home I miss u already

And just when u hit send, that song started playing.

I am not the only traveller.. Who has not repaid his debt..

As the song went on images with you and ellie popped in your mind. How you and her would go to the beach and build sand castles and then ellie as a goofball destroying them, how'd she'd get u under the sand and force to stay in the until she made a mermaid tail at the end of your feet which you'd ofcourse giggle as she'd do,how she'd always make sure to get food from home even if u assured her that ud be fine, the way she'd untangle ur hair after getting out of the sea.

Ive been searching for a trail to follow again..

Oh take me back to the night we met.

You were so lost in your thoughts until u heard your phone ringing

"Elssss💍🩷" incoming call

You immediately picked up and rushed to talk first "Oh my gosh ellie I got so worried" was the first the u spat out

"Hey bun,don't worry about me you know I'm always safe, I just called to make sure u were okay and if u wanted me to pick up something from burgers king" Ellie said with some muffled voice from the backround that almost covered her own

"I don't need anything baby, thank you just drive safe on ur arrival" u quickly said "course I will princess, see you in 15" and with that the phone call ended and there you were, lost in the song's lyrics, reminding u how u met ellie at that local bar

And then I can tell myself..

What the hell am I supposed to do..

And then I can tell myself..

Not to ride along with you..

Before u could realize u were singing the lyrics, humming at some parts but mostly singing. One of the million things ellie loved about you, your voice. It'd calm her on her rainy days and replace those rainy clouds with the brightest sun in the universe. It would be like a lullaby to her, making her fall asleep whether it was on your chest or her pillow she had a strong preference for your chest.

15 minutes pass and u hear a ring, you basically trip over some chords and charges and even ur own the feet to open the door, u see ellie with a tired face but she always changed it when she saw ur little face

"Y/n, I missed u. Shit" Ellie said with the most tiring but expressive way possible as she hugged u tightly with the bags she held

"I missed u more,u can't imagine" u said as ud give her thousands of pecks on her cheeks and a big smooch on her lips, which ellie ofcourse accepted by rewarding it back to you.

"I got u some nuggies because I know u will get hungry later, so just incase babe. I always need to buy my princess something to eat" she said with a grin on her face as she kissed ur pretty face over and over again. It's like her duty to buy you something, if she doesn't she will fr explode.

"I love you els,so so much" u said while plastering kisses on her temples "I love u more babe" Ellie said "I will go undress and put my pajamas on and be right back" she said as she stroke ur hair and kissed ur head.

I had all and then most of you some and now none of you,

Oh take me back to the night we met..

SORRY IT WAS SHORT BUT ITS 1AM AND I GOT STUFF TO DO TOMORROW, HOPE U STILL ENJOYED THO🫶🏻🫶🏻

[aesrot]

doing this here bc if I send this to anyone my brain would convince me I'm being a bother later even if I'm not. and I don't want people to feel this is targeted bc it really isn't. feel free to ignore this, I'm just venting smth I'm not ready to talk to my therapist about, but that I will eventually, don't worry. heads up for a little trauma dumping.

but fuck toxic friends fuck cyberbullying fuck mean people who make fun of others bc they're different fuck them fuck them fuck them. it's been years, but I'm still so fucking destroyed by it. specially bc it happened twice (one at the age of 13 and the other at the age of 15/16). both times the very same thing. people I trusted, people I thought they're my friends having a group chat I was not part of and making fun of me bc I was "weird" and ugly and how they didn't really liked me and whatever other mean things they said that i didn't get to know, and honestly I don't want to.

it's been years and I made genuine friends that are so fucking good to me and I know I can trust and be myself recklessly without the fear of being judged (probably bc some of them are also neurodivergent so me being'weird' is the common between them) but still. I can't trust them fully. my brain will always convince me it's happening again, that they're faking it, that I'm being weird and a bother and no one will truly be my friend. I'm so fucking tired of over interpreting every single interaction I have and actively looking for bad stuff just to prove myself I'm right and that I should be alone, that I'm safer by myself. fuck this, man.

I'm sorry if I made things weird before to anyone. I'm really insecure about my relationship and when I say the rsd is bad I really mean it. pls let me know if I became too much. just please don't bully people just bc they don't fit into some social box and can't see patterns that well.

[draincode]

Pixel.

This is my final message in the hopes I'll ever get to talk to you. I know you are afraid of me, and it still hurts. Once again I am trying to say that I am sorry. Sorry for upsetting you, sorry for offending you, please stop locking me away. How long will it take? I've tried and tried and tried to own up, made fanfics that took me nights of not sleeping because I was so focused on them.

Please... I want to be able to love and play Raincode again. But if you're not happy with me then I can't bring myself to play it again. I told you that I'm very sensitive too, and I can't just learn that lesson and move on. This is constantly hurting me deep inside. Day after day. So I'm begging.... Please can we talk, just us two. I'll try not to make it too long or anything. I know now that you hate anything negative or too heavy. This eternal punishment is my lesson, one I've lived with for years. I've tried so so hard to find an online community to fit into.

As someone who is autistic, I talk differently than most people, that's why I don't know online etiquette or anything. I struggle to understand that stuff.

Here, this will explain my situation better.

Please....

Listen to me

I am tired of constantly getting out of my comfort zone to try and prove that I'm a real human being. That the person people have banned and ignored is someone who is constantly struggling to find a place to belong.

I cared about you. Stranger or not. I wanted to reach out to you because I thought you felt sad as you weren't being recognised by a community. Something I could relate to as it's been my constant life torture. I'm sorry if relating to myself was too much... And I've lived with the guilt of it.

I just want to talk to you. Instead of having other people talk for you. Because I've had that before, and it feels two faced... Like, not honest. I felt as if your friends were trying to push me further away from you and the community, even if politely. Like I was a constant threat.

This is really destroying my soul. Please pixel.... Just find some time to talk to me. I'm probably more afraid than you are, I'm especially terrified about what I can say to people online now. I'm praying. I need to believe that deep down you are a kind hearted person who does care about the people in your community, not all of us know how we should talk specifically online. We all should have the freedom to speak however we are comfortable. So long as it's not anything illegal or extremely offensive.

Yes. I did delete my Tumblr account. I couldn't handle it anymore. All the hard work I put into with trying to own up to you is all gone... I doubt you even saw it. I've felt too afraid to even look at your blog because of the guilt I've felt, I've not touched the game as well since. I hate annoying people, I want peace, to feel accepted. Without being seen as a pest. I loved Raincode so much, it was among my favourite games, and I was just settling into doing my own Raincode posts before all this. I aim to make people happy, and will constantly feel bad if I've said anything wrong. I may have said some harsh things but I instantly regret them. I've always wished that I could be a normal person so that I can talk properly like everyone else without screwing up.

Playing or even looking at anything related to Raincode would just remind me of my own mistake. I don't feel like I deserve to play the game when I've upset a loyal fan who means so much to the community. Compared to you I feel inferior, and i don't believe that I should exist on this platform or touch the game anymore if nothing is working. If you and the community really don't want me around. Please don't see this as a guilt trip... That's not my intention at all, I just need you to understand my situation over this matter. I don't want anyone's pity, or them to worry about me. I even prevent my friends from worrying about me because it wouldn't be right to get them involved in my battles. And yes, I was on my own during that incident, so I didn't have anyone to turn to. I'm used to it but it's extremely hard.

But I have a tiny speck of hope. That's getting more and more faint. This is the final time I'll try again. To reach out to you. In fact.... Please hear my voice for real.

I really am sorry.

I pray that you and everyone in the community had a merry Christmas. And will have a wonderful rest of the year. If you don't ever want to talk to me then I'll back away for life, I may never move on from it like the DQ community which I still have never played a Dragon Quest game to this day since being rejected from the community years prior. However, it was an honour to have met you, even if it was in the worst way. I wish we could be casual friends, or just people who can chat to each other about video games. Anyway.

Yours sincerely

Ice Dragon 19 (the perma banned)

[1d1195]

Omg Sam you’re so sweet😭 sorry to have worried you :( but still that’s so kind of you! If I had to take a VERY long break I would let you know in advance! BUT I KNOW I FEEL SO GLAD THIS QUATER IS OVER!!! Rip to seeing the hot TA though lol

YAY TO ONE MORE WEEK!! Hope it will go smoothly and you can start break on a good-ish note! And omg that sucks that got sick!! But at least it was because of you niece so it can be to bad especially if she’s so adorable! And Sam YOURE ALLOWED TO COMPLAIN IF ANYTHING LIVE THAT UP! I hope you feel better bestie and recover soon 💕

Oh I get totally being in love with fictional men lol girl do you even know how many times I’ve literally compared fictional to irl?! It’s crazy😭

I agree with it’s so gross being ill and hot!! I’m on your side for this temp war though lol

I bet your tree looks so cute!! I think I’ve mentioned before how I can see you be so good at decorating! But so real about the spending but like it’s the holidays lol do you have like a go to recipe when it comes to baking? What’s your fave to bake?

Oh Traditional Harry would so not care at all and it’s kinda hot lol and i obviously need HIMMM badly for reasons beyond his money lol

It’s really amazing though how much care you put into your students and I’m glad you all made it out of the trenches lol but seriously it’s most definitely means so much the kid that’s so sweet 😭

Not the Christmas lights😭 but omg I totally get you, and honestly that seems very healing! I think I’m okay like idk I’m just tired and perhaps I’m still ignoring stuff but I’ve been worse lol but I hope so too!

BESTIE I FORGOT TO MENTION THE MOON PART!! SHES SO ME BC SHES A MOON GIRL😭 I definitely do like this approach you’re taking with the flashbacks and all, it definitely gives perspective of how truly SLOW burn can be and sometimes this happens irl! Gonna be lame and mention how it reminded me of the lyrics from a song by Hayley Williams 😭 “Would I do it all again? Oh yeah in a second. Might taken 30 years. But I was always on my way to him”. Anyways lol it’s so cute that you have Christmas related part! Hope you can have time to write but please don’t stress bestie!-💜(this is gonna be a two parter agin😭)

Omg I dread the day that happens, but you never have to let me know! Things happen! OMG I lowkey FORGOT about hot TA. I imagine by now he wears his button down unbuttoned or was just half naked.

I have recovered mostly from my cold! I'm hanging onto some congestion and a dry throat but otherwise thriving. I'm fairly tired though and that's annoying. I know I've mentioned my brain functions best early in the morning so I like CANNOT write right now. I feel so bad because ALL I want to do is update The Lottery (but tbh it's kinda not hitting, I don't think I can write series; I don't think people want to commit to them) but I opened my doc just now and BLEH. Nothing. So I don't think it will get updated tomorrow (Thursday) :( but I will be able to update by Monday or die trying lol

I'm a chocolate chip cookie girl for sure (Massachusetts state cookie of course.) But I made brownies from scratch too. I just used a recipe I found online and I've done it before but I tested one of the brownies (and like seven scoops of the batter) and it tastes better this time around. I am also my family's apple pie baker. When we go apple picking I usually make like three or four pies for family/friends/coworkers. Then usually two for Thanksgiving and at least one for Xmas. I also make a few for my AP Stats/Calc students for Pi-Day in March lol. the recipe is from a cookbook my mom has had since the 70s/80s? Idk it might have been my grandma's lol it's old as hell and my sister nearly destroyed the book pressing her wedding flowers last year so I had to type it up finally to keep lol.

ANYWAY. Cookies are my favorite to bake from scratch. I've never tried cupcakes from scratch so maybe that'll be a project for myself. The series involving my Basketball bf, the following book was the one with the baseball guy/nanny that I had to wait to read so I could finish Honey, the main girl was a baker (and turned into the nanny). If I wasn't so smitten with my basketball bf I would accept him as my baseball bf but that seemed like too much. Gotta spread the wealth, ya know?

I too am a moon girl! I was staring at it all weekend since it was full! And Mars was right next to the moon this morning on my drive to work 😍 I love the sky 🥰

xoxo

[the-mortifying-ordeal-of]

The smoking cravings have been strong and I'm barely hanging on. I hear myself bargaining, just one, just one pack, I won't go back to it permanently. But I want to keep my quit date sacred, and I know my last one was stale but it was also so gross I didn't finish it, and I so often was nauseated and felt terrible afterward, I remember begging myself to quit. I hated keeping the secret, hated spending the money, hated the distraction, hated the coughing and the decreased lung capacity and numb fingers, hated the idea of dying like my grandma and dad.

But I want to destroy myself. My ED has never been this bad (is that true?) - maybe because I know exactly what I'm doing, I know it's not for my health, the orthorexia morphing into straight up bulimia, clear and intentional periods of restriction until I can't stand it, and then intentional secretive binges that physically hurt. I struggle to eat in front of other people, want to leave social situations because I'm sick from hunger and want to be alone to either sleep or drink or drug it off, or to binge. I've been wanting to drink to be numb, but I can't afford the cost or calories. I bounce between increasing doses of Benadryl and 5 calorie energy drinks to suppress my appetite. I refuse to grocery shop. I hate my face, clutch my waist, trace the lines of my collarbones. I feel weak, shaky, tired, and I've only been consuming as much as I need to in order to work my ass off at the house reno.

If I smoke now, I'll never stop. I'll buy a pack, melt into the bliss of the first drag, the snap of my lighter, the ritual of tearing off the wrapper and liner. I'll savor the peace of my crouch outside my door, nature and silence and music, an opportunity to meditate and burn. I'll want another, will want to binge while I can, not waste the pack, but then I won't be ready to quit after an even 20 and I'll buy another. I'll feel so much shame around sullying my quit date, knowing there will never be anything as meaningful, and I won't stop again until what, his birthday? I hear myself saying it won't count, like the stale half cigarette didnt count on that day I was stumbling drunk and terrifyingly suicidal.

Hmm, but the bargaining continues... I have my doc appt this Friday, will hopefully get anxiety meds, will have this week to smoke the pack and then get some fucking medicine for this angst in my blood.

I said it would be a one pack relapse last time. I know I lose control. I know this isn't recovery. I quit my therapist and I'm hiding it. Ugh fuck it no fuck it, I want to burn. I know quitting is excruciating and this will make it harder to stay quit, I've made it over four months, this is all psychological and it's gruesome to be physically chained... but everything hurts. I want to break. I don't care.

Edit: I bought the pack, struggled to rip off the foil, enjoyed the glimmer of scent that reminds me of the roof of the Union, and then lit one. I loved the ritual of lighting and placing it between my fingers, but immediately the taste was foul. I tried again, started to feel the lightest brush of a head rush, but the flavor worsened. I kept trying, inhale after inhale, but I didn't get used to the taste. It was awful and my stomach started to turn and my body felt dead and hot and gross. I stubbed it out halfway through and tossed the rest of the pack in the dumpster. What a fucking anticlimactic relapse.

So obviously I made cinnamon sugar toast and another cup of coffee. I want to ignore work and numb out with a book or fanfic but I guess I'll keep building these goddamn reports and showing up for life. What a crock.

[enha-ypen]

I Almost Wish We Never Met

We dated for about 4 months, and those months has taught me a lot. Back then I was too naive cause I was clueless about love I didn't know how much it would destroy me.

I thought he was my everything. And if I'm being honest I can't really move on from what we had before although it's toxic. I don't even know why I feel this way. Sometimes I would sit by myself and wonder what would happen if he was willing to changed himself for me but I know it's impossible.

I thought he would be the one to be there for me when I am at my lowest but turns out he was the only reason I was at my lowest which is so fucked up.

I thought if I date someone older than me it would be easier. But no it's all about being mature if I'm being deadly honest I don't care about age I just want a healthy and mature relationship.

His actions hurts me, his words haunts me. Everything he does was slowly destroying me, thank goodness I was brave enough to break up with him. It hurts me so much I couldn't bare staying.

Being in a relationship is not just about communication. You have to actually understand each other and willing to change yourself for each other. What's the point of communicating if you can't understand each other, nothing changed.

That nights after he saw me cry after he saw how much he hurt me I thought he would try to change for me I thought that after he see how miserable I am towards his action he would try and change so I wouldn't get hurt by his action. But I was wrong.

It was stupid of me thinking he would actually change himself for me.

It's not that I don't accept who he was, but it hurts me. I defended his name when everyone spoke so badly of him only for him to prove them right.

Up until today I'm still repeating those things you said to me in my head. It hurts me every single time we argue you would follow your emotion instead of settling it properly and try to have a slow talk with me you would swear at me spit all those harsh words at me as if I don't have feelings.

If only you knew how much i actually love you, how many time i forced myself to stay how many time i gave you a chance only for you to repeat the same mistake over and over again. I never really healed from what you did to me i just forced myself to swallow everything and forget about what happen about how dirty you did me.

With tears in my eyes and shaky hands i begged you to change for me, you promised you'll change you told me you were trying to change but everything still feels the same. No improvement nothing just me and my hopes towards you.

You try to break up with me twice and I was fine with it although deep down i know it hurts even my own brother saw how badly i cried. But when i try to breakup with you all of the sudden it's my fault.

You told me it's always you the one who apologize even though you did nothing wrong. You told me even though it's my fault you always apologize when in fact i don't even know what i did wrong, and when i ask you what i did wrong you wouldn't tell me. So tell me what exactly did i do?

I don't get you. We dated for 4 months yet i still can't understand you. You reposted on tiktok saying you accept who i am you accepted my mood swings and everything but when times comes you have to actually face my mood swings you decide to start an arguement over the smallest shit. Somehow everything i do could become an issue in your eye.

Every single time we argue i would shut everyone out and bottle my feelings. But you did the opposite, you would repost about how you are tired and everything you would harm yourself by doing the barcode and post it in your whatsapp status, you would post tiktok videos in your status how everything is messed up about how you felt.

I felt completely ignored, it felt as if you never once cared about how i feel it's always about you. You post all that shit it's like you want people to know about us about how we're arguing but you posting it makes people think badly about me as if i'm the bad guy.

For 4 months i lost myself while trying to fix us. I wonder if ever think about how dirty you did me, how you always gaslight me and manipulate me how you always think about yourself.

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aight that's all i could write for now :(

sorry for if i yap too much it's just been bothering for the last couple weeks.