#I'm the big bad scary avoidant attacher instagram hates

[likeabxrdinflight]

the funny thing about me is that, despite being a therapist, despite having plenty of close and meaningful friendships, despite having a mostly healed relationship with my parents, and despite everything I will ever say about attachment theory being far more complex than just sorting people into four discrete categories- I do, when that attachment system is highly activated, lean avoidantly attached.

avoidant attachment styles get demonized because to the person on the other side of that, it often looks very dismissive and cold. people with strong avoidant tendencies who lack insight into that pattern have a habit (broadly speaking) of running away and deactivating from closeness and intimacy. I mean it's right there in the name- avoidant. we're avoiding something.

what people miss, however, in discussions of this attachment style is what the person is running from. there's so little empathy for what the avoidant-leaning person is experiencing when that wing of the attachment system gets activated. and when it comes to someone who lacks insight, I kind of get it why it might be hard to empathize with them- directly asking someone what they're afraid of when they're freezing you out might not get you an honest answer if the person in question doesn't know, or isn't even aware that they're afraid of anything at all.

but I'm not unaware, and haven't been for some time. I have far too much training and theoretical knowledge, I've been in far too much of my own therapy, and I've come too far in my own journey to not recognize the pattern when it arises. and I finally, finally have a clear sense of where this pattern really comes from and what kinds of relationships are most likely to activate it...

all this to say, and I'm not going to elaborate on the details, is that there is a relationship in my life right now that I have badly needed to heal for some time, and I'm finally taking some steps to do that. but taking those steps is also badly activating this attachment pattern. the temptation to turn back, to return to the previous status quo and avoid the increased intimacy that I both want and need for this relationship to move any further is so strong. this is someone I was previously only talking to a couple times a year, and now there's been a pretty significant increase in communication (and that's a good thing,) but oh man am I sitting in a lot of anxiety about it right now.

and it's so tempting to pull back. everything inside of me is screaming at me to to run, to distance myself again, to avoid. and I know what's underlying this, I know exactly what it is I'm afraid of here, what memories are being activated, why I associate certain kinds of closeness with certain kinds of people with these memories, and what it is my body is trying so hard to avoid. but it's not so easy to convince your nervous system that something is safe when getting to that feeling of safety requires sitting in the very situations that made it feel unsafe in the first place (with an an entirely different and abusive person, mind. still, lizard brain doesn't see the difference between the person who hurt you and the person who won't). but there's no other path forward. I know this. this doesn't ever heal if I don't fix it.

still, it's hard not to fall back into old patterns. it's very hard not to assign outsized meaning to the anxiety, to fear that it will never go away, to not think of it as a sign that this is the wrong choice, that I do need to return to the feeling of safety even when it was unsatisfying. even when I wasn't happy with the "safe" status quo of this relationship. it's easy to convince myself that that was better, because I didn't feel nauseous about it, because I wasn't losing sleep over it, because I wasn't thinking myself sick over it. everything, everything inside me is screaming to run.

I can't run. I'll never move forward if I run now. this will never properly heal. I have to learn how to push through this, how to settle into a new status quo, a better one that works for both of us. I have to learn how to be close to people and let myself love and be loved and not fall back into old fears and doubts. and running away now is letting her win, which I really cannot abide.

and I just challenge some people to think of this when they want to act like everyone with avoidant tendencies is some kind of pathological narcissist (another word I take some issue with but that's another post). I am fighting through so much fear and anxiety right now, I'm fighting against the memory of the person who has been my biggest shoulder demon for the better part of twenty years, and trying to come out on the other side of that. that's not any easier because my personal traumas manifested as more of an avoidant style rather than an anxious-preoccupied one. it's not any easier for anyone else like me, too.