#I'm stuck in that trapped feeling again. it's always bad on Mondays bc I have to answer phones on Mondays
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the weight of the world has crushed me flat on this fine afternoon
#that is extremely fucking dramatic of me to say. it's not. that bad. I guess. I don't know#I've had intermittent FMLA protected leave at work. for a while. and I found out that it actually ended on January 1st#so I've been taking leave for two literal months without job protections. and payroll and/or hr didn't let me know?#you'd think if someone keeps using FMLA leave on their time sheets. you should check their FMLA status. I don't know.#I don't know if that was on them or on me. in any case. I emailed them and I guess we'll fucking see.#ALSO! there's layoffs happening! the good thing is. I would just get bumped down to my original position. which. would be a pay cut.#but that's better than just. not. having a job. idk.#everything is happening so much. I'm having a (sort of) panic attack in another room. just put up my meeting sign at my desk#having a meeting with myself! haha. I want to die#my therapist is the one who does my FMLA paperwork. he can fix it. but. I have to start seeing him again regularly. and man. I don't know.#I don't know. there's too much. which is all the more reason to see him. but like. I don't know.#wish I could scream in here but I fear they might call me an ambulance or something in response. lmao#I'm stuck in that trapped feeling again. it's always bad on Mondays bc I have to answer phones on Mondays#which means I have to stay at my desk all day. in case the phone rings.#but now it's... all of it. being conscious feels like being trapped right now. and I can't even like. have emotions?#like I feel like crying and I think it would be helpful to cry right now but something is stopping that from happening and I hate that.#so trapped in myself that I can't even cry? god. how do people deal with stress normally?? I want to.. idk#I want to hide somewhere. run away and hide forever. disintegrate into ash and blow away.#anyway. fucking dramatic. as always.#will delete later probably. I just needed to be dramatic for a minute.#hand on my stupid heart.#(decided to put this back on my blog bc I've had plenty of breakdowns on Tumblr so why should this one get hidden lmao)
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